We Hate Movies - S6 Ep260: Episode 260 - Con Air

Episode Date: July 26, 2016

On the season finale of We Hate Movies, the gang gets together one last time this summer to chat about a real We Love Movies selection, Con Air! Is Cage's character using Doritos as currency in prison? What's with that Dave Chappelle puppet? And why bother hyping up Buscemi's character so much only to do absolutely nothing with him? PLUS: Wilford Brimley watches Con Air, his favorite diabetes-related action thriller! Con Air stars Nicolas Cage, John Malkovich, John Cusack, Ving Rhames, Colm Meaney, Steve Buscemi, Mykelti Williamson, Dave Chappelle, Danny Trejo, and Big Daddy himself, M.C. Gainey; directed by Simon West.Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

And on today's program, it is the season finale. Oh, no. Of We Hate Movies. That's right. Yeah, well, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we're going out with a bang. We're talking con air. I'm Andrew Jupin.

Stephen Sadek. Eric Ciska. Chris Gavin. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies on the Side Show Network. Thank you for tuning in. As always, it's like we got senioritis around here. It's the end of the year.

Summer breaks upon us. It's not going to all. Although we will have made you a couple live episodes this August. Scattered about. So I'm just trying to say there's going to be new content. We'll be keeping you warm. Stay tuned to the feed, everybody. Yeah, keep watching.

Don't unsubscribe with that. What are you doing? Don't unsubscribe? By the way, when we get to this cliffhanger at the end of the episode, you're going to be really excited. Oh, yeah, you're going to be refreshing that feed every day. Oh, man. Wait, is King Shark going to be on?

I wish. The mystery of Who Shot Cabin will go on for the whole summer. You'll love it. And we won't get the answer until the end of season, Seth. That's right. Oh, it's dead. Oh, we'll figure it out. But until we get to that hilarious cliffhanger,

today we're talking about Simon West's Conair from 1997. It's a pretty good movie. It's a fun movie. It's a stupidly fun movie. Really, really stupid movie. But to your point, the senioritis thing, this is kind of like the movie they show in the last week of school. You know what I mean?

Oh, big time. If you're playing board games, like, I don't know, put on Conair. Yeah, just say, all right, Conair. Look, don't tell your parents. You're all under 17. You shouldn't be seeing R-rated movies. Was this R? Of course it is.

Oh, yeah, they're saying, fuck up and down this movie. Can I tell you guys a senioritis story? I thought you're going to say, can I tell you guys a secret? A sexy story. Either way. Tell us a secret first. My last day of junior high. they had you know at the end of the year they have like a little like

when you're transitioning from junior high to high school they have like a little auditorium thing our middle school was like seventh and eighth grade and then when you went to ninth grade there was a little lame like moving up ceremony oh wow what is the giver yeah i didn't get that i just got a guy pat me on the back to jump out of the airplanes well you know it was like a uh it was like a participation trophy yeah like congratulations you did two years out of school That's really weird. So me and my quote-unquote bad boyfriends.

Ooh, your bad boyfriends. Everybody's had him. Chris Cabin's bad boyfriend decided to skip the ceremony and go see Batman and Robin. Oh, nice. Yeah. And because we were so bored, we went out, this was at the old deer that me and Andrew worked at, went out and dropped our tickets because back then they didn't think about this, dropped our tickets to the second level,

friends took our tickets to come and join us. So I watched Batman Robin twice on my graduation day. Wow, the perfect cry. So this movie's like the Nick Cageiest of movies before you went crazy? It's like right before you had

like what we'd call caging out. Sure. And I love it, man. I love all cage. Oh yeah. It's like proto caging out though. Yeah, he's building up. he's he's pretty jacked in this movie he's got a terrible haircut well it's not a hair it's a lack of a haircut well yeah that's yeah he's got a terrible wig on or extensions whatever uh this is the movie for anyone who doesn't remember or maybe you haven't seen it because you might be like 13 or something

pause the episode and watch con air immediately yeah first thing's better taste to me uh this is the movie where, wow, wow, wow. Is that the secret? Is that the secret? Well, I thought we all agree this would be a we love movies episode. The secret is Chris hates it. No, it's okay to hate a movie. It is okay.

This is the movie where Nicholas Cage is getting released from prison for defending himself and killing a man for standing his ground. Exactly right. Your limbs, boy, are designated as deadly weapons. That's right. And so he's getting out of jail to see his dog. And then John Malcovic and all his buddies take over the plane and hijack it. Oh, sad.

With the plan of, what is the ultimate plan getting to Mexico? Yeah, there's some like drug dealer they have to pick up at the next airport. It's Mr. And Dufrein. We are like barely talking about like Malcovich's end game throughout this movie. It just is there. It's such an afterthought. We're going to San Juano. me and my goatee are going to San Juan Teno

It's a bad look for John Malcovich Because it's like Well here's the question Like how do you make John Malkovich a tough guy The answer is trick question It's impossible He looks so ridiculous Maybe he's maybe a mask

Maybe we have him yell a lot Yeah You're in trouble Yeah no that's not going to work Because he kind of just looks like a less intimidating Heisenberg Yeah. He looks like a high school principal.

He's had enough of Cameron Poe and all of his buddies pranking people in the school. Khan Air High. Ooh, I like that idea. Well, there's a lot of memorable characters for Con Air High. I mean, this is, it was a movie with a big cast. Like, this is a deep loaded cast. So we got John Cusack as, is he DEA or he's working for the justice system? I think he's part of the direction.

He's a U.S. Marshall. Yeah, okay. Oh, right. And in Conair High, he's the health teacher. What's he telling him how to use a condo? Yeah, you know, you don't want to go in there. So, yeah, John Cusack, you got Dave Chappelle. A very young, Dave Chappelle.

As pinball. Binball Parker. Is this pre or post half-baked? It's probably right over the same day. Same exact day. Released. Theatrically the same exact day. And then, of course, Ving Rames.

What's his character's name? Diamond Dog or Nathan Diamond Dog. Nathan Diamond Dog. I don't know if there's a last name or... There probably is at the beginning. The dog family? He does list them off at the beginning. Yeah, well, because everybody comes with a nice little story.

It's like, all right, let me sit down. Listen to which this character did. What that character did? Oh, my gosh. Now this character's showing up. Here comes Steve Buscemi as Garland. Green. Oh, man.

And you name your kid Garland Green. You're asking for a serial killer. Absolutely right. And then here comes Gary Oldman is Jean-Betis Emmanuel Zorg. I wish. Remember that movie, Fifth Element? Yeah. Yeah, that's different timelines.

Right. Yes. Still fun. I think it takes place in the same cinematic universe. If you watch Tom Air, you'll see a little hints of that for Philthelment still to come. Is the future after this event takes place. In the textbooks, they have, like, oh, this crash landing in Las Vegas. That was like their 9-11.

The turning point of society. Yeah. Exactly. The con air of 1997. Which gave us the Space Opera Society that we have in Fifth Elementary. That explains the large bronze statue of a shirtless Nick Cage in Bethelma. That's right. That's a total sense.

Yeah, Garland Green, he's like the world's most famous living serial killers. He is an adorable serial killer, isn't he? We love him. We do. Yeah, of course. You got Michael T. Williams As, what's his name? Not Bubba Gump.

I have diabetes, so make this movie happen. Dude, that's, so let's talk about that. This is one of the biggest plot points of this movie. Is Nicholas Cage... The only, maybe. Possibly? I think it's the only plot point. Nicholas Cage needs to get Michael 2 Williams, like, insulin.

And we are saying insulin. A hundred times at least. At least 100 times at this. movie. We're looking for it in all the wrong places. Well, because the movie is John Malcovic taking over the plane and like all of that stuff and which guards were killing which are we not. And then you cut back

to Michael T. Williams is like, oh man, this diabetic shock is really coming soon. And it's like, well then let's just have it. The trains are coming. Because here's the thing, as far as the two major story arcs of this movie, which are the people who take over the plane and the people who stop them from taking over the plane,

this insulin thing is not helping either side of the situation. If he dies, nothing will happen either way. If he gets it, nothing will happen either way. But the movie spends the majority of its focus on this fucking diabetes issue. That's what the movie is.

It's a secret diabetes, like, infomercial? Yes. Oh. There's an epidemic in this country, Andrew. And Simon West cares about it. Diabetes. My epipin. I need my epipen.

producing a movie about diabetes called Conair you switch you switch Michael T. Williams with Wilfrid Brimley he's the old timer Oh yeah insulin goddammit

You're gonna lose another goddamn finger God damn one Can't even fire a rifle no more Here's the difference though That he is definitely killing himself When he thinks that he is like being taken over Oh yeah Yeah he's like

Nope I'm just gonna let myself do it Lost my gun finger's going to have, goddamble, going to have to use my toes to shoot myself in the face. No, I think it's definitely, oh, yeah. Still got a cyanide capsule stuck in my tooth from Korea, goddammit. I ain't got no qualms about taking myself out. Here we go. I'm just going to loosen this molar here.

I do like keeping that in just in case. Look, yeah, if it's in there, eventually I might need it. Here's the thing. It could be used for anything. Like, say you're about to be trampled to death in a black fried. a Walmart stampede pop that shit right out dude dead you know accidentally

eat at Thanksgiving I was gonna say do you know of any dentists that might give me this because I'd be kind of into it you'd need a crooked dentist like a dog dentist you know what I mean how the mafia uses like veterinarians oh like horse doctors right yeah you need like a horse dentist

yeah dude you can find a horse dentist that's actually a horse like Mr. Head Dr. Ed oh I'll do anything you want Dr. Ed DDS, the price is right. I got a ton of cyanide here in my A. Put the money in the trough.

Don't ask me how I came about. Oh, the cyanide. It's top secret. I do secret surgeries for the mafia. Figure that out. My daughter gave me the shirt. Yeah, you're going to be okay. We're just going to bring you to the horse doctor.

See you right up. An actual horse. He's the horse, doctor. He's a horse and a doctor. Stay still, I'm all hooves. Oh, yeah. Hey, Todd Vito, you want this guy alive or what? I feel like this could have been a vehicle for BoJack Horse.

Yeah, I think so. He's in heat. To be fair to this movie, and Steve, you mentioned this while we were watching it just now, but like, we get right into this con air business. Well, we do take a little detour. We have to praise the American military. It's the beginning of a of a pro-comer movie. That's right. It's the same thing of like, I think the rock opens this way

with like the military in action and planes taking off. A lot of just B-roll of the military be-hawes. Which is fine. And then Cameron Poe is a U.S. Marshal. He goes home. He takes a boat to a bar, which Chris really enjoys. That's how they do it in Mobile, Alabama. That's what the movie's telling.

in me anyway. I'm certainly never going to go there. He was shipping with the perfect storm crew before he touched down because he wanted some action before he got home to his wife and kid. There could be other Cameron Poe movies. Oh, I would love him. Yeah, I mean, I think there's plenty of open.

Like him fishing for a while on the open ocean? Oh man, Cameron Poe, Colin Swamp Detective? Yes. That's a movie. You could do it now with Cameron Poe, you know, Nick Cage obviously now, like 20 years later, he's taking his daughter to college

and the college gets taken over by super terrorists moving day Cameron Poe in moving day I like it I thought you're going to say he's picking his daughter up from prison Or is it also true She also like defended herself outside of a bar And shove the cartilage It's the son of that guy Yes oh yeah

Oh just copy Diehard 3 exactly And then like he the school becomes The college becomes like a battlefield right At the end like because it's like moving day, you know, at the end, there's an orientation. Yeah. And then Cameron Poe has to lead the orientation at the end. So here's a, we got to learn each other's names.

A couple icebreaker games here. My name starts with a C, so I'm curious Cameron. Now, sweetheart, just fall back. I'll catch you. Don't mind that I'm covered in blood. That's just those terrorists. My tank top got all bloody trying to save this school, help. Mind the smell.

All your RAs are dead That might be a better title Cameron Crow and all your RAs are dead That smell ain't me It's the horse doctor So he He goes to a bar And this guy who is a regular at the bar

Is in love with Monica Potter His wife Trisha Sure And I guess he's been waiting All summer to make his move And the best time to make the move Is when her Green Beret husband comes in and is having a sensual

dance with her. And you, you know what you want to do as this towny, flunky guy? He's an Army Ranger, by the way. Army Ranger, I apologize. Please, please. Please apologize to the armed forces right now. What you just did. I do apologize. All right, carry on. And this dude, like, sees him, like, of course

he's going to show up, like this boat takes him right from, like, base to the bar, right? Base to the bar. That's another Cameron Poe adventure. And he's all day. out, like, in his dress greens and whatnot. And then this dude's like, yeah, I'm going to fuck with this guy. Let's start insulting

this human weapon. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Is that Leanne Rhymes? Just, oh, I'm going to fuck him. Is that a veteran? Let's go spit on him. I mean, it's outrageous. This dude's just like, you fucking pussy Army Ranger boy. And it's like, yeah, what really, dude?

He's like, you're the reason we lost Vietnam. I'm like, you're like 31. I don't know. You don't know what that is. Yeah, so after some random veteran bashing, they have a nice night of dancing to Leanne Rhymes, and then it starts raining, and on the way to the truck to drive home,

he gets into it with this veteran hater and two of his veteran-haten buddies. Yeah, he's good old boys, man. And he pushes this dude's nose right into his brain, which is the way I want to go out. Oh, because it's instantaneous. Did you know that? It's like lights out.

Lights out. That is awesome. It's like flipping a switch, Eric. You don't even know what happened. That is cool stuff. You just see Nicholas Cage's palm coming towards your nose. That's what it should be. If we have to have capital punishment, which I am against.

Yeah. Steven Seagal goes into a room with a serial killer and pushes their brain their nose into their brain. And if that piece of shit can't do that anymore. Yeah, I was going to say, is this in the 1990s or now? Well, yeah. All right. Now we get Dave Batista. They're right.

He's physically fit. Yes. I don't know. I don't think you would botch the job like Segal today. That would be the end of every ultimate fighting, ultimate fighting, ultimate fighting pay-per-view is like, and then now the execution. Oh, yeah. Push it in a dude's nose. That's what it is to get people to stick around until the end of the pay-per-view.

And then maybe Thano shows up. Could someone push his fucking nose into his brain already? Just leave him. dead on that space scooter he's got that's the first like he's about to say something in Avengers Infinity War and Thor just does that credit the dude is fucking him he's hunched over dead in his little dumb scooter and it's going around in circles he's leaning on the fucking pedal with his whole bat foot fuck Thanos that I mean that guy's an asshole all the all the infinity stones just drop off into oblivion they're just everywhere dude that would be

Awesome. And then the Avengers just go on a totally different adventure. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You know what Marvel? Think it over. Put the Infinity Stone back in the box. So, yeah.

So he goes to jail for like seven years or something like that. Seven to ten years for manslaughter. But the judge has to point out, because you're an Army Ranger, your body is a weapon, boy. That is weaponized. Even your dick, son, is a weapon. Your body is a weapon land. So then we. go through like he's right and also your left cheek

is a weapon so is your right that hole's a cannon oh my god he kills someone with his turds oh dude he just like farts lethal gas oh shit like man's best friend like dog that peas acid it's the same

thing funny enough had too much mustard at the barbecue I rewatched a man's best friend this week just for fun oh nice the pilot is in man's best friend The pilot of this movie. Oh, really? Little connection.

Oh. MC Ganey or like the legit pilot? The legit pilot. Yeah, he's like her ugly boyfriend. Fair enough. Sure. That dog does pee acid in that movie. Yeah, it's great.

Pretty fantastic. So, yeah, so whatever, flash forward, a bunch of letter writing, nothing more exciting in an action movie than watching correspondence. My daughter is five years old. Thank you again for the Cool Ranch Doritos. They have made me very popular in prison. Man, all over this movie. Hey, cool rags, when they're coming in?

Letter Day is tomorrow, my friend. You will have to wait in line for your one cool ranch Dorita chip. Each ever sale in the prison block gets one cool ranch Dorida chip. And the warden gets the dust. Well, I'm wondering, like, doesn't he just trade it for two cigarettes at some point? Oh, yeah, he's not eating those Doritos every time. No, look at him. He's physically fit the whole.

There's no way. Do you guys think he's getting Doritos every day? No. This is going to be like a regular package. Once a month. Once a month. I don't think they let any more Doritos through the front door. It's contraband, Po.

Well, no, that's why it's the small bag. That's the thing. They have a little chart when you go to the prison. It shows you what size of Dorito bag you can bring in. How many times I have to tell you that you got to tell your dumb-ass daughter to stop being sending these big old Doritos? 50-cent bag That's it

Can't be putting this family-sized bag of Doritos in here, Paul What do you think Sinbad's in here? She's liable to start a riot, son This is a prison, not a Super Bowl party And didn't I tell you before It can only be cool ranch, not cooler ranch

Tell your stupid daughter I just sent back her spicy Nacho Doritos Getting fucking fancy on me, Po It's the Taco Bell ones or nothing So he's about to be pardoned. He does get pardoned. He's got a, his friend is Michael T. Williams,

whose name is Babyo, which we said before, that's fun. Babyo, man. Why not? They're about to be, he's about to be transferred to a different prison, and wouldn't you know it? Cyrus the damn virus shows up. Man, Cyrus the virus, John

Malcovich, yikes. That sucks. Michael T. Williams does call him Cyrus the damn virus. Likes to brag that he's killed more men than cancer, which is impossible just makes them sound like an idiot. Hey Cyrus, are you killing someone right now? Then you're

not killing people more than cancer. Are you exactly 15 gangas cons? 15 and no less. Also featured in this movie is Danny Trejo as like Mr. 23. Johnny 23. Because that's the number

of women he's raped. Although to hear him tell it, he should be Johnny 600, which is weird. A, not only that, but because he's got a tattoo of 23 roses on his arm But if you were bragging about it Wouldn't you have 600 roses, dude?

Well, tattoos are expensive Yeah, he's going one of the top All over his face and fun He'll have fucking rose bush They call me Johnny Rosebush Johnny 600 sounds like a pretty cool Like a cyberpunk name Oh yeah

Oh yeah, that could be That's a hacker Cool Zero One of Decker's guys Yeah Cool Ranch also is another Awesome Cool Ranch Dust 420

Great Cyberpone No Cool Ranch Dust is definitely a drug In the Oh right Yeah The Philip K Dick future I feel Yeah And so is Newk

From Robocop Two Two I think Three Yeah two I think The good news is The threat of sexual violence Prevades

Throughout this whole movie Oh yeah pretty important because we've got a we've got a lady guard on the plane here so she's just that threat from Danny Trejo the entire time everyone has a more scary movie going on you got the diabetes scare you got this thing yeah and then you got Nicholas Cage it's like I'm going home can't wait to see my daughter what is this voice he's it's a it's a gator bait accent Batman. Camer Poe in Gator Bate? I like that idea.

Oh, no, there's a Super Gator Lost in the Woods. I better go get it. I'm going to go spin kick this Super Gator. And now I know what you're thinking. All right, we mentioned Gator Bake. That's a real movie. That is. Gator Bate 2 is better. I'm just going to say watch Gator Bate 2.

I would say. I have a vague memory of that being true. Yes. I like the idea that you think that someone in the world knows about this movie. Oh, this podcast is garbage. Well, listen, all right. If you're a normal person, do not watch either Gator Bates. That's a great idea.

Do not stay far, far away. So, basically, both Cyrus DeVirus, Diamond Dog, and all these other people go in special cages. And then Dave Chappelle is in a different, is in the Gen Pop airplane part of it. Right. Where he throws up a condom with a bunch of gasoline in it and a match. match and he lights this Native American dude on fire. The casual racism in this movie

and it's an equal opportunity offender in air quotes. Yeah. Oh, this is why... Put that on the poster. I mean, this is why this movie is that uncle of yours's favorite movie. You know what I mean?

Like, holy shit. Just kick back in your like leather bark a lounger. You've got a Coors light on both cup holders. Strap in to watch Conair on HD DVD. This movie's kind of like a long...

He picked the wrong format. Oh, that uncle's always picking the wrong format. He's got that beta deck in his garage. Yeah, it's definitely your brother-in-law's favorite Sunday movie. It's like a shitty Facebook post,

this movie. It's... Well, it's a... You know what? It's a pretty good shitty one. I mean, this is not good... No, no. But, man, I've seen some stuff on Facebook.

Turn your hair white. Yeah, I guess that's true. Yikes. Did you ever go to high school with somebody? No. Did I ever? And I got proof of it. Lordy Lord.

So he lets a student on fire. That distracts the guards. And then Cyrus takes over the plane. Pretty much. It's pretty efficient. Pretty quick. We're not, you know, doing too much here. We haven't gotten to Colmini yet.

Oh, of course. As Sergeant Hardcastle or whatever his name is, Miss Miss Miss Miss. Oh, yeah. Big Hard Apple. Yeah, fucking, you know, Lieutenant Grit Whistle. I mean, he is doing his best, like, as an Irish guy to be an American gruff actor, Griff McRib. I mean, it is outrageous. I love Colmini on Star Trek.

And Hell on Wheels. Well, you love him on Hell on Wheels, as we've discussed several times on the show. I like him in the winning romantic comedy intermission. It's just a winning little film. Speaking of movies, that'll turn your hair white, man. I like that movie. Okay, Chris, where do you love him? Welcome back to We Love Colby.

I think it's, isn't he in Voyager? No, he's in Deep Space Nine. Him and Keiko. Oh, Keiko. My wife, Keiko, teaching gardening on Deep Space Nine. I might have just opened up a door here. Sorry, everybody. Opened up a K-K-H-O-door.

So he drives a car that says an ass kicker on it. Oh, A-Z-Z-Kicker, man. This guy's got a Facebook account, I'll tell you what. Oh, Dirk Mick Muscle? Yeah, he does. It's all pictures of that, and then some iffy political stuff. Pictures of that car, man. People love putting pictures of cars on Facebook, I learned.

Oh, totally. Hey, look at this car. Look at this car. I came here for faces, but. Did you see that car, though? Hey, you know, that radio station I listened to is pretty racist. What is with that? Why are you even the radio stations race?

I don't know. And there's something in the air. There's something in the air in America in 2016, and I don't like it. There's like a book, a marketing book, a social media marketing book, that informs radio stations. And radio stations only that your social media guy has to be 81 years old. I don't care who you are. That's funny.

they're trying to get information on something so they put an undercover agent who looks like a monk on the plane I think it's because there's that Colombian drug lord Yeah okay got I got got to get into South America or whatever So yeah call me and he like puts this dude in

Undercover gives him a gun Which is what you want to do Sure you want to put a gun on a plane With the world's worst super criminals And he also strapped to him has And I don't know if this is just a sign of 1997 and I wasn't aware of it or this movie might be a period be's

although John cell phone's leather cased cell phone kind of gives it away John Cusack you just called him John cell phone I guess John Cusack's cell phone case his leather cell phone case might give it away John's cell phone I just took over the

sung glass hut at kiosk in the mall if you want to buy a cell phone case come to John's cell phone it is 1997, my name is John Celfone. It is the What a time to be alive. It is now 2016

and that cell phone kiosk did not go well. I don't even remember where I was going with the time period thing. That John's cell phone flub ruined me. His cell phone looked weird or something. It looks like it's wearing a leather dress.

This might be a period piece. I think you were suggesting this might take place in the 80s or maybe like an alternate timeline. I was going to say like early, like maybe like a late 80 situation, but now I don't remember what the reasoning was. The thing is they should put all these criminals in the magnetic super prison from Face Off. Oh, that's a good idea. Well, obviously. They get the Mario Brother boots.

They stick them to the floor. Yeah, these people actually should be in that prison, other than the accountant Thomas James. Who, is there any white collar crime on Conair or it's just like the real bad dudes, right? The real bad dudes and then whatever the fuck Michael T. Williams and Nick Cage are doing on that play. Right. Well, yeah, you don't really know why Bubba Gump is in jail. Oh, I killed 30 school children. Now, can I have that insulin, please?

He saved my life. Please, please save my life. I'm a notorious. He will. He's a notorious child killer, but that doesn't mean he deserves to die from diabetic. Well, yeah, Cameron Poe is just four. the common man. I'm just trying to keep him alive until we get

well, we're going so he could be strapped in the electric chair. I'm just trying to see justice served. Exactly. Those families deserve it. So we got to touch down for the first of several times touching down in this movie. Because there's like

another pickup they have to make. And this is where they're going to get the South American drug guy that's going to do something. Right. Like bring them all those safety in his jet with money for John Malcovic for breaking him out of prison I think is the idea yeah yeah I guess

yeah protection money system yeah yeah yeah so we touch down we're now pretending that some of us are guards kind of a situation including Cyrus the virus walking out there with his mask down like you're famous

we're told we're told endlessly that this guy's like a famous criminal like you imagine Charles Manson doing this being like what's with that swastika in your way You've got to get these prisoners back. Oh, ha, whir-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-old. All the world's most notorious criminals.

Right? The worst we got. That's the real-life suicide squad? Edward Snowden, Charles Manson. Putting the band back together. The ghost of Jeffrey Dahmer. Oh, yeah, definitely. He's involved.

Oh, yeah. Do some black magic, have a seance. Bring old Jeff Dahmer back. Like Enchantress or whatever her name is. Yeah, sure. She can do it. What? There's a lady in the suicide squad called Enchantress.

And what does she do? Magic. Enchance. Necromancy? Maybe. Now, what does Slipknot do? Apparently there's a guy named Slipknot, according to. some poster i saw i think that they were literally like he's like an obscure villain from

whatever he's a noose dude or something but like i think that they were like all right we want this movie to be as metal as fuck oh damn this dc book of superheroes as a guy named flipped on it i don't care he's in the movie we want this movie to be as metal as fuck and then in the trailer we're going to play a queen song sure man arena rock so you know kusack and uh uh cal meanie are kind of like budding heads in this movie is the idea because he's a liberal whatever or something that's like the thing oh you just reminded me after my embarrassing flub with kisek's the guy that they have undercover like i couldn't tell the time period because he's wearing a wire and he's got the biggest tape recorder i've ever seen like tucked under his armpit it's a real to

real tape recorder it's outrageous it's a boom box like all right yeah we'll slip a small gun in his sock but we'll also put like I don't even know what like crap's last tape in his shirt this wire's too big we're gonna have to put him in a fat suit it's like waddling to the plane so

this guy does pull his gun out and tries to fire on everybody and then like he just gets murder which is so stupid like the instant he's being let out of his restraints he pulls his gun like you could have tried to gain you were there to try to gain confidence of people like you are

Do your cover. Do your mission. And you know what? If you see the opportunity to kill whatever. John Mavich? Yeah, sure, yeah. Sure. But like,

don't immediately pull your gun. What a bone head. And he's shown to be like skittish even like earlier in the movie when Calmini's strapping him in and whatever. He's just kind of like freaking out and being like nervous and stuff. And so he loses it and dies. And at some point like Nicholas Cage catches John Malkovich's eyes like, oh, good work, Po. You're a good man to have by my side or something.

Because he helped him kill him. that guy. Yeah, he kind of does. He's not too upset that this guy gets murdered. But that's, Nicholas Cage's character knows that's how you go undercover, man. No, because he makes a face

like if you had to, like, if you got a root server at a restaurant when this guy dies, just like shakes his head, like, yeah, last thing this guy, like, have a little compassion, Cameron Poe. Well, you know, he, it's a DEA. Yeah, I don't like telling people more than once.

he tried to help him out man oh i thought gary buzzi was showing up no no sorry i had to put the horse teeth back a little bit there oh yeah we were doing a horse earlier yeah no getting all these uh great impressions mixed up the best i hear best in the biz that's true now get ready for my john cell phone impression

it's gonna be wild stuff it's just a ringtone so whatever yeah like john john malcolm is walking around this tarmac with his face wide open to everybody Dave Chappelle takes the transponder And puts it into a Whatever they're

Tourist plane Uncle Bob's tourism rides Yeah, a little biplane Show you the canyons Oh geez hon That looks like a lot of fun Going on Uncle Bob's tourism ride Oh geez, look at that

How pricey it is Isn't that majestic Oh no, hon It's just a big hole to me Is that one of them con airs out there. Have you heard about that, hon? They're just fly prisoners all throughout the country.

Hey, Uncle Bob, I know you're flying there, but is that one of them con airs next to us? You know, I read the back of a New York magazine and they were talking about something like that? The back of a New York magazine? Well, I wasn't going to buy it, hon. A little pricey. I've got magazines these days, hon,

are about New York prices. I think I see Cyrus the virus on the tarmac there, hon. Oh, jeez, honey, you know, he's one of my top ten favorite criminals. Yeah, everyone knows who these criminal are. They do. It's ridiculous. Like, they all have playing cards with these nicknades. Fucking Garland Green. That's just dumb. Billy Bedlam. Oh, Billy Bedlam.

What in the world? Billy Bedlam. Like, what is with all the alliteration? Yeah, all the alliteration. It's insane. It's crazy. It's one of the rules of good writing. Don't use annoying alliteration. Right. I'm curious, Cameron.

Whatever, man. I'm Danny Diabetes. We're your orientation leaders. As a reminder, all your RAs are dead. They are still currently dead, but the orientation must go on. I couldn't throw you into this college atmosphere cold. Now this. We need to play these games.

The social science is building. Don't worry now. All your RAs may be. be dead, but we did not call your parents. We are staying and called. Or the police. Let them handle their own thing.

So we're like getting ready to take off at this point because like the fuzz catches wind. So we're trying to get back up in the sky to get out of their sights or whatever. And Dave Chappelle's like running after because he's like hitting on this woman by the biplane. Sure. He's been in prison

for him many years. Yeah. And so then he's like running after it. And he gets like scooped up in the landing gear. Yikes. Yikes is right. They do a stupid thing though, like where he's running alongside the plane and he's like yelling. It's the Native American dude that he set on fire and he's like yelling at the guy from outside. Like, hey, sorry about lighting you on fire? And like, you can hear it crystal clear what's going on.

It's not how planes work. No, not at all. I was happy to see that that guy that got lit up got medical attention. Yeah, he does. He has bandages all over his face, is someone a crooked doctor? Is Richard Kimball on this flight? Maybe. He's one of history's greatest criminal, too. He'd be in my suicide squad. No, they probably killed him because he's like, I didn't kill my

wife. I'll fucking kill that guy. I don't want to hear that. His superpowers, he's a master of disguise. Oh, that's right. Yeah, he can dye his hair and everything. Love that fake nose. And a master forger as well. Mm-hmm. And living in Polish women's basements? Pretty good at that.

Would that make Deputy Gerard, Rick Flagg? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I like it. Better movie. Probably. So we're back up at the air and they're doing this thing where they're like, oh, man, you know, we're going to be there in such or such a time because we're supposed to be going 220 miles an hour, but we're only going to go in 208 because the landing gear didn't go up. Why don't you go check that out? And like so Ving Rames goes down and he makes Nicholas Cage get in there and see what the deal is. and what's revealed is that it turns out Dave Chappelle didn't get run over by that plane because Dave Chappelle's puppet got run over by that plane.

This thing is the fakesst fucking dead body. Why not just use like hire Dave Chappelle for one more day and use like, you know, dead makeup? Think about the amount of money that would have gone into making a puppet. Like you have to, you probably got like measurements and everything because they probably try to do it as close as possible. So like...

The biggest disappointment is we never see this puppet again. No. Like, they should have saved it for cranky anchors. Was he on that show at all? You must have done at least one little stint. Like I've said before, I'm not entirely sure that I didn't have a spot of the cranky anchors. Everybody was on it, man. But, yeah, like, it would make...

You're in there somewhere. It's a bunch of puppet-looking things and this weird, like, dead Dave Chappelle doing a little routine. Yeah, wouldn't that be great? So Cage writes, like... John Kusack's name or whatever. Vince Larkin. Yeah, like the undershirt of Chappelle puppet. And it's like so long.

It's like, Dearest Deputy Vince N. Larkin. I've been gone to Fortnite now, and I do become my worst enemy up here. Today's my little girl's birthday. And secondly, June 14th. That's right. That's right.

Shirt I'm talking to. The days grow longer every day. this is one hot summer Fing Rames is like Hurry up trailer trashed Oh okay He was like I'm on some type of con air up here Oh by the way

We're landing at the Lerner Airfield Thank you So he drops him out of the sky And this puppet goes flying And it lands on this car And I mean this dude If you fall off a plane Yeah

You are dust You turn into red dust Like in the old Batman movie when everyone turns it all the congressman turned into dust that's what's left of you is dust and boots not a t-shirt that you could read and tell people

what airplane you're landing on it's like not even not only would it be drenched in blood it'd be beyond that it would be destroyed for sure but also like all those inner guts like all the like all the black fluid running through us sure like all the bile

shit yeah it's all over that tank time That's what you're saying. You can't read Nicholas Cage's loving note to John Kucet. What we need is a scene like immediately after that where some dudes like there's a piece of that tank top and there's a piece and there's a piece and there's a piece. And this dude like puts it together. They have to take some special frequency picture of it because it's just covered in blood. Enhance, Enhance.

It's like Manhunter. I don't know, Riley. I think we got scanners. I think we've got scanners here Oh yeah So this massive car accident happens When this puppet hits the car and everything It's pretty great

So then John Cusack Oh by the way like this Colmini wants to He finds out his guy is dead He wants to shoot down the plane Oh right So he gets to the plane He gets into like this

Apache attack helicopter Sure And wants to shoot it down He almost shoots down the Bob's tour plane Which is cute Oh hey hon we almost got murdered By the DEA there Well, this is a

Bruckheimer It's kind of a Michael Bay move But they kind of ape it in this That like Here comes the big explosion But here's the cute moment Right before it Yeah totally

You're just missing like a dog in this plane I don't know It made me smile So yeah Like Cole meeting's whole thing Is like he killed my buddy So I should just take down this plane Worth of 20 other people

And like John Cusack's yelling at him So he steals his car Yes, he steals calm me and he's ass kicker car. It's going to be at Lerner Airfield, and he has to drive there very fast. Very fast. So you need a very fast sports car to set up this gag that makes any trailer great. It's like eventually we, you know, we remember this. The plane falls from the, or the plane pulls the carp in the air and then it falls.

Pretty hilarious. Pretty delightful is what it is. It's a nice moment. It's a great trailer moment. And all the while. We've got some grade A fart rock guitar solo happening. Holy shit, this movie's rotten with it.

It's the only movie scored by a guitar that I've seen. It's scored by an electric guitar. You're totally right. Bad boys. Oh, well, yeah. Bad boys has a lot of big guitar. Was that a Bruckenheimer? That is also a horse of a-hiker. He's just fucking stealing left and right from his buddy Michael Bay, huh?

Beur-de-o! I mean, it's, and there's like sad versions of it. there's action versions of it romantic yeah dude oh yeah some sexy guitar solo that's definitely a mandolin a little bit of a guitar that leaves you ooh this is a little bit of danger here

dangerous guitar a little intrigue guitar here I like it there is a very flamboyant character in this movie sure when they land by the way he immediately like runs into this store looking for a dress to put on

sure because that's what this movie's Well, this is a movie, again, that you're, oh, this, that's, that's what they would do. Oh, yeah, he can't even be on the ground two seconds without looking for a dress. Woof. Woof town, man. Yeah, they landed this, like, dusty old field. By the way, MC Ganey is the pilot. Swamp thing.

The great MC. Ganey. Great, great. And Chris just reminded me when we were watching the film together, which is a rare treat when we watch a film together, that MC Ganey shows his. nude parts It's penis It's penis Penis

Flops around in your face And sideways Is that what it's called? Yeah dude That's what that thing's called Yeah Oh great I just saw swamp things

Dick Oh man He was fucking my friend's wife And it was in sideways It was in the end of sideways Yeah You don't come back from that Oh man

It's gonna haunt my dreams Like this is me before I saw it hi my name's paula giamatti now this is me now mc gaities dick'll change you i'm gonna have to look that scene up just to go to mr skin yeah oh yeah wait would that be a mrs skinner possibly oh i was going to ask does mr skin bother with the fellas i think he should

it's 2016 i think mr skin needs to you think he's an equal equal opportunity offender. I would love him to be. Hey, untapped market, I say. Exactly. I mean, there's, there's plenty out there. Can't just be Kevin Bacon in wild things. But if it had to be, I'd take it. And Jeffrey Russian quills. Oh, yikes. Oh, how about you? And McGregor and everything. Oh, my God, Harvey Keitel in Bad Lieutenant. Oh, that's a good one. He's dancing high. And also the piano. Yes. I thank you. I'm so glad you're back, Chris, to confirm. all these dick siding. I was about to say the piano, too, but I was not sure. Or Franklin Ella and the Lolita remake. Oh, is that in there?

Oh, yeah, he's running down a hallway fire and a gun, and that robe is just open. You sure that's not Frost Nixon? Get back here, Frost. And another thing. I'll show you a thing or two about asking questions. Well, it's just tapes. You didn't know what was going on.

Harumph. They're making a movie out of what? what a boring premise for a film so at this point Nicholas Cage leaves the plane and like he keeps it's kind of like the unpopular kids in the lunchroom

form their own little clique you know what I mean well you know everybody finds each other it's him the lady who's chained up and Danny Traill keeps going like looking at her and smelling her hair which is nice sure that's what I want And Michael T. Williams is like, oh, my God, insulin, insulin. So I was like, all right, I'll go down and find the insulin on this barren airfield.

It's like a weird ghost town situation that we're in here. Isn't it just a dump? A scrap yard? Yeah, there's a junkyard vibe going through this. Yeah, I would say. A couple of junkyard dogs, too. Oh, cool. It's a hospital.

Like, what do we talk? Why would there ever be insulin anywhere near this airfield? Well, he's going to look anyway because that's his best friend in there. Apparently, and now I know in the film, we saw insulin destroyed. But apparently he's just looking for a syringe. Oh, right, right. He asked an old man after a bunch of explosions happens. Yeah, because there was one vial of the insulin actually left,

but he needed, like, a syringe. They broke all the syringes. They needed the syringe, right, yeah. So we're looking for that. We're going around this, this, I mean, it's not a town, but it's, I don't know. A former airport? I guess so. It's all dusty and weird and...

Ghost Airway. Ooh, I like that. Oh, yeah, ghost plane? Totally. Flying the unfriendly skies. Transylvanian air. It's around this time, by the way, that we get the biggest time suck of the movie,

Steve Bouchemey's field trip. It's also the most... What are we even trying to accomplish with this? You're just trying to show how bad and twisted this totally inconsequential. character is. Yes. Could be.

Yeah. Like, he doesn't do anything in this movie. For such a hyped up Hannibal Lecter treated guy, nothing comes of this. He gets the most heavy medalist intro of the mall, by the way. It is like machinery crunching against it. It's almost like the fucking Terminator theme song when this guy comes out. Garland Green.

He's also like got a mask that he looks like one of the drummers from Slipknot. You know, you're right. You're right. And in case you were wondering, Slipknot has multiple drummers. I wasn't, but thank you. Oh, is that why it sounds so bad? So, yeah, it's just him having a tea party with a little girl, and they keep cutting back to it, you keep thinking that he's going to kill her.

It's a weird, like, this, it's like a trailer, but they've got an in-ground pool. It looks like one of those fake towns they launch A-bombs outside of. Yeah, yeah. And I'm like, is he- Or a tool video? I'm like, is he having, like, a tea party with a ghost? Is this like an invisible, like, baby ghost that he murdered? Thank you for bringing up the ghost angle,

because I have a ghost theory on this scene that is different. Oh, please. Cameron Poe actually got the electric chair, and this is all in his head. I'm a friendly ghost that could skin, that can spin kick people or skin them or that. I know. I wish it was that, actually, because that sounds pretty good.

That's a great fan theory. I was thinking that Garland Green actually does murder this girl viciously. And then later on we see her like wave at the plane. Oh. And that's her ghost. Goodbye to my killer. Like he kills her. Thanks for setting me free.

Yeah, from this fucking hellscape. Or does she not even know it? Because if you get killed fast enough guys. That's true. You don't even know. You don't even know. You're dead and you don't even know it. That could be a ghost right now.

That could be a ghost, Mark. I will be soon, Mark And then you'll be sorry Curse-plat, boo First it goes the career You son of a bitch That's certainly dead My career that goes

Yeah Jay Leno gets everything But no Because do your point Like they keep cutting back And eventually it's just him alone You're like oh he must have killed that girl Right But when the plane finally takes off

She's like goodbye everybody Hi Connors See you next Christmas What's this useless? Why is this movie two hours? And also with the way that it is played up until that point You never see him like get close to her He doesn't produce a weapon

It's just him walking back from the house And he's holding a doll Yes You could just leave her dead Like it's fine He doesn't have blood all over him or anything I'm almost positive this is like Well those pickup shots like after a test screening

You get that girl back to that trailer park fucking film her waving at that plane god damn it we unkilled you good i could come back for the sequel but i mean back to boat oh i like it conboat cruise control totally

con boat convict control oh yeah that's even worse and they crash into boat trip yeah with sexy results isn't boat trip no i haven't seen boat trip but i heard it's got It's a gay panic movie. Yeah. Okay, good. That's what I heard.

Yeah, oh, big time. Roger Moore's in that movie, you know that? What? Yeah. Wait, like, as like a corpse? When do they wheel them out? He's a floater. It's true. Mr. Skin, what time code doing? Roger Moore naked in Boatrick.

So eventually then, Cameron Poe is like fighting all these Colombian drug lords. This is when you get a really cool spin kick. this is when him and Cusack finally team up. Oh, they team up, yeah. You're like, why would they even care about each other? Wonder Twins, activate.

He's like, QSach's like, hey, are you the guy that wrote that very long, eloquent note on that dead puppets tank top? Yeah, I am. Are you Vince Larkin? I am. Well, I guess we're little buddies. Come here, brother. I'm your uncle, there. I'm a little buddy of yours now.

could you imagine an action in the year 1980 something like if you were in 1980s like hey you know there's going to be an action movie a huge action movie with John Cusack and Nick Cage oh man yeah I wouldn't believe it no way what the string bean from say anything

yeah he's going to be an action movie and that weirdo from Vampires Kiss I mean good luck with that and then they'll both go on to decades worth of direct to DVD movies that no one even knows about John Cusack loves Netflix. He's like the king of Netflix.

Oh, dude, yeah, totally. The reigning king of Netflix. Cage is kind of the same way, though. I just watch some movie where, like, Cain's... Cage's... No, sorry, Cage. Nick Cage. Like, his kid gets, like, kidnapped by ghosts or something. Oh, you mean pay the ghosts?

Pay the ghost! Wait, what? Yeah. Stop everything. Turn the podcast off. It's like... Okay, all right. It's off. Yeah. There's a movie called pay the ghost. That's right. And it stars Nicholas Cage. Nicholas Cage.

As a guy paying a ransom to a ghost? Well, you'd think that. There's no... Just like you ask ghost in small bills. Small unmarked bills. With a lot of ooze after it.

No, like he takes his kid out to like the village Halloween parade and the kid vanishes and then it's like cut two a year later and spooky stuff is happening like Nicholas Cage becoming a tenured professor of literature. That is.

scary you know what you just did sold me on this movie because i'm seeing it tonight it's kind of not great though i wanted it to be fucking crazy yeah it's kind of just like a movie it's too late erin drew it's too late he's gonna watch it tonight but i'll just say this it's not a horror movie it's like a shitty family drama with a ghost in it oh okay and it's like we're tracing the history of this witch okay oh man mcgady just pulled this plane right up i'm trying to trying to save you Saturday night, man. Nick Caj and Ghosts, you got to see it. I'm going to see it now, too.

Yeah, I mean, it's kind of worth it for the last 10 minutes now that I think of it. But I don't think anyone's paying shit, though. Yeah, Andrew, let's start the podcast again. Click. All right, so this is kind of also around the time. The drug dealers, like, get hip to what's going on, and they're like, let's get the fuck out of here. And they try to, like, ram the plane out.

They've got their own, like, jet that's hiding in a bunker or something. And also, like, the military is, the National Guard has come, and they're, they know where everybody is, so, like, they're going to drive in and kill everybody. Yeah, there's, like, tanks and, you know, RAV-4s. And all of a sudden, I don't, I missed where this is, where, like, where John Malcovich gets all the guns in the world. That is, it's, like, underneath the plane. Oh, there's, like, a cargo hole. Yeah. It's, like, all the, like, prison guards, shotguns that they need.

But then why is John, why is John Cusack, like, oh, you can't. Take the world's tiniest gun on this plane that has all of the guns in the world on it. Because that dude is undercover. He's saying, like, they're going to find your gun. Because I think it's a thing where the prison guards on the plane don't even know that this dude's DEA is the thing. Correct. Yeah. I think you're going to say that they didn't even know where the guns were. Nobody knows what these guns are.

They didn't know where the guns were. They did not know how to pay the ghost. As you might have expected, I'm pretty sure one of the guards says a casually racist thing to him. Oh, I'm sure there's a couple of things. There's a lot of casual racism. It's 1997. So, yeah, there's like a big shoot at that happens. This plane comes out and the guy like gets out.

There's gasoline dripping everywhere because, of course. And he's like, I promise John Malkovich, we were just coming around to pick you up. And Malkovich lights this guy on fire. Well, this guy says, sigh, because that's, you know, Cyrus. Oh, right. And then he goes, Anara. Oh, right. This is the cigarette into the road.

And thankfully, I mean, what's more exciting than a man burning to death is finally this guy can get his insulin shot. Oh, right. I mean. Yeah. So he gets it. What happens five seconds later? Bubba Gump gets shot in the gut. Correct.

Right after he started to walk again. Oh, God, I can't watch this movie. I'm on the edge of my seat. Is he going to get it or is he going to get it? Oh, he got a shot. God damn. Oh, now he got shot. God damn.

That was all for naught. Mother, get in here and change the channel. I don't have a, I don't need a remote control. I got a wife. This is no longer a diabetes adventure. Mother, get in here and change the diaper. And the dial while you're at it. Mother, make the volume a little louder.

No, that's too much. Mother, why are you taking that pillow? No. Oh, my mom. mothered by my mother. Who's also my wife? Figure that out. So then we're back up in the air again after some tricky business with M.C. Ganey

getting this plane off the gun. This is where we're dragging Kalmini's car behind the chain, by the way, because Cage ties that up nicely. And why can't we just stay in the gosh darn air and con air, man? Because there's not a lot of space for Jerry Brockheimer to run around. Yeah. You need to blow a lot of stuff up You can't blow that much stuff up in the air But Steve's right

It's con air Not con land That's true And you know honestly if It's like the movie Passenger 57 A great action movie That also has a lot of casual racism in it Where it's not so casual in that one

No no it's pretty over It's not so great Gone We spent in the last 20 minutes of Passenger 57 At a fairground That's the thrill of the hunt, though, Steve. I think it's the same fairground that we spend in the last 10 minutes of Childs Play 3. Relatively.

And Beverly Hills Cop 3. Oh, that's just a whole, that's a whole, that's a whole time in that fairground. That's an amusement part. Yes, you're right. That is an amusement or a theme park. They should have used Wally World for it. What a cool crossover. Yeah, if the Beverly Hills Cop movies took place in the vacation verse.

Yes, totally. That would actually kind of make sense. It does. Jim and Cousin Eddie? Oh, yeah. Cousin Eddie's murdered right in the street. Shot like a dog in the street. Totally.

And then Axel has to go and solve the case. Clark Griswold teams up with Axel Foley and pretends to be a cop on it. Coffin's full. That joke doesn't make sense. But you laughed. I thought, I got it. So we're back in the air now. At this point, John Malcovich does realize.

realize that Nicholas Cage is in on it or has been trying to file him this entire time. He does shoot Michael T. Williams in the chest. Sure. Sure. Whatever. And he's like kind of holding on. It's like, oh no, buddy. I'm going to get you new heart

transplant. Yeah, really. I'm going to search around for a baboon heart to put in you. Well, it's ridiculous because like there's definitely a shot at one point in the movie overhead and he's totally just lying there dead. Yeah. And then later in the movie, when the plane's back on the ground, He's like, oh, man, my gunshot.

Oh, do you think that was another test audience change? It might be. It might be. I think this thing got, you can tell with this movie, they really overthought everything. Because also, Nicholas Cage does not have, like, a goodbye scene with him. No. And you'd think you would with your best, you know, insulin, bud. I mean, you're doing Bubba Gump again.

It's the motivation for the whole Dern movie, you know what I mean? Yeah, totally. That should be the point of it. Did we talk about how Nick Cage kills poor Billy Bedlam? Oh, no. just getting a fight because Billy Bedlam finds like his release papers or whatever. Right, yeah, yeah.

So it turns out he wasn't staying there for, he wasn't in prison for 15 years like he had claimed. Oh, his cover story. Yeah. He's getting just, he's just getting a transfer as it were parolee. Right, so he's dead. Also, like, he leaves Billy Bedlam dead on the plane. Like, you chuck

that guy. Write another message. Like, oh, by the way, I'm getting closer to the airport. Oh, God, it'll be great. P.S. We are now. Now en route towards Las Vegas. I have never been to Las Vegas. Neither has my baby girl, Casey. Her birthdays today, June 14.

July 14. Oh, July part. Oh, my God. Let me just scratch that out that I wrote June 14th. I'm sorry how messy this shirt has become. No, let me turn him, turn this cadaver over. You don't start again. Continued on the next back.

I'm going to draw you my favorite ninja turtle. Can you tell which one it is? I know the color's not there, but, you know, once he hits the ground, maybe you'll realize it's Raphael. Here's my rendition of Turtle Sutherland. I took a class through the mail in prison. I'm a drawer now. Oh, wait, the plane landed and we're in Mexico,

but let me just start all over. Change of plans. Dearest federalities. I hope you like this photo of Turt. I hope you like me writing on someone's underwear now. At one point, Nicholas Cage takes back control of the plane and says something about, like,

I'm going to show you God does exist and he just starts, like, fighting people. Well, then because Michael T. Williams is like, oh, man, I'm going, man, I'm going to die. I don't even believe in God anymore. And I'm like, what movie am I watching? I will show you that God does exist. By spin kicking the life into people.

Spin kicking the Lord into the world into the world. Welcome to Godair. Be gone, demon. I'm going to spin kick you out of this body. Kiyuck! This movie needs to come with more than one spin kick, by the way, because that's like a mid-movie spin kick. He's kind of just like Chuck Norris in this. It's like a Chuck Norris movie with more money

and Nicholas Cage. If that beard was a little longer, he's a dead ringer for Chuck Norris, man. Without question, he looks just as gross. Oh, so where are we now? So basically heading towards Vegas, I believe. Yeah, M.C. Ganey, he makes M.C. Ganey, he gets to the front of the thing. Right. This is where, like, Cameron Poet also tied a rope around a post.

Obviously, that's a dumb idea and doesn't work. And it attaches itself to the Colmenis as kicker car. Correct. Which Vince Larkin drove, U.S. Marshal, Vince Larkin drove to Lerner Airfield. And it is a kaput. Right. So you see it fly. in the air and it's beautiful and it falls down

and it. Called me as one of those like, my car. Yeah, it was a classic like any movie. So yeah, like Cameron Poe's just like all right, you're going to land this plane right the fuck here. And Nipzig is like, whatever you want, Big Daddy. It's just kind of a great line

no matter what. Ed calling people Big Daddy is so awesome. Let me tell you, you got to be a confident guy to call someone else Big Daddy, man. Oh, you have to be of a certain stature for sure. Absolutely. You do not with, like, if you're not that kind of guy, you don't know where that's going. You don't try it. Don't do buddy.

You know, it's not a buddy. It's Big Daddy. Let me get a pack of Marbreds and a magazine there, Big Daddy. Forty bucks. So we go into Vegas, basically. Yes, sir, Big Daddy. I'm marrying your little girl. We're going to go right to the Vegas Chapel right now.

Why don't you make that stick medium rare there, Big Daddy? No, fill her up with regular there, Big Daddy. Come on, Big Daddy, this performance review isn't going anywhere I wanted to go. Can you put the butter halfway through the popcorn, Big Daddy? Can I put more on top? Concession popcorn. I think that's a perfect way to use Big Daddy. You can get away with it there.

Just do it kind of quick. They might not even notice it. Starbucks a Starbucks bathroom Are you done in there Big Daddy or what? Oh yeah You hold up the whole line Here's a thing to do

Is tell the Starbucks server That your name is Big Daddy Just like You got Yeah just put Big Daddy on there Man they hate gag names It's not a gag name I'm Big Daddy

Ask anyone here I have a frosted Frappuccino for Big Daddy That's me No because you can't do that's how you get arrested for like sexual harassment you know what I mean like that's what it's like you're telling people to call you big daddy I guess so all right so so so tell them your

name is McGruber when you order the large Tazzo Tee but then you when you use it thanks for the thanks for it big daddy I think college just casually call them you little big daddy is just all right that works you know it's not it's a good point it's not in print they can't prosecute you so we crash land in Vegas we break through the hard rock cafe here's something that's important so like They get back into Colmini's Apache helicopter, and they're about to shoot it down. Oh, right. I see to shoot it down. But, like, John Cusack's like, no, Cameron Post has been helping us the whole time.

He's the, him and one guard, because I think all the other guards are dead, or maybe there's two other ones, whatever. Yeah. It's like three people and, like, 20 criminals that have killed a million people and are getting away. Acceptable loss. Shoot him down. Take the shot. Kusack says, no, don't do it. He's like, okay, he convinces his Colmini.

So what happens next? Is this plane crash? lands in Las Vegas. Right on the strip. Hundreds and hundreds of people are dying. Oh, it's crazy. I mean, this is a massive plane just wiping out the Vegas strip. Way to go, Kusak. What a call. Hey, there's one white man who's only killed one man on that plane. We got to save him. And this thing just keeps going. I mean,

it came at the same year as Speed 2. It's the same thing as that boat, man. It's not stopping. There's not so many, quite as many gags of like, oh, Let me put on my glasses. Oh, a large plane. No, because too many people are busy dying instantly. Propellers are going every which way but loose. And also, that's the directorial touch of Michael Bay. Oh, sure.

In which? Because this is directed by Simon West. Well, that's what I'm saying. Sir, so I do say this is directed by Simon West. Why this doesn't have them is because Bay didn't do this movie. Do you do speed two? No, but it's also like a Bay trope. It's a Bay-esque, yeah.

Now I'm thinking, Michael. It's in the Bay Area. yeah. Bravo. Michael Bay is like, all right, man, you're going to jump out of this

exploding car. Whatever you say, Big Daddy, it's your movie. Yeah, he is Big Daddy for sure. Michael Big Daddy Bay. Ew.

Someone, you know, we need enough people to do it. Change Michael Bay's IMDB name. Oh, those Wikipedia page.

Just peppering as many big daddies as you can. Make it subtle. Don't let them catch you. Don't ruin this first. Put it in like his early. days in college, it was said that

his friend's NYU film or whatever. Called him Big Daddy. Called him Big Daddy. Big Daddy's next movie will be Transformers, Revenge of the Fallen or whatever. Transformers 5, we're still doing this. So then like, the plane comes

to a stop, like, rams into the sands or some other hotel. Sure. And like we're kind of getting some people out. And then like John Malkovich Bing Rames and another guy and MC Ganey and Big Daddy himself steal a fire truck and keep going And also who could care

Because as far as Cameron Poe is concerned Yeah who could care And Cameron Crow also Cameron Crow cares? No he doesn't But like no police There's like a thousand police there at this point They're kind of cleaning up

They're taking out the dead bodies Including that of Johnny 600 But how does no one see them steal this fucking fire? John Malcovich is literally riding on top of it. The fire truck's there because a plane crashed. Aren't firemen using it? Hey, hey, the fire's not. Oh, no.

Cyrus killed all those firemen. You're going to need to send another truck down here, Big Daddy. At one point, Malcovich is like spraying cops on motorcycles with a hose on the fire truck. Which is pretty cool. Yeah, it's cool Nick Cage is about to give the bunny to the little girl and he's like, oh wait

John Malkovich is leaving so I better go chase him and him and Cusack Don motorcycles and have this like renegade to renegade's friend head nod thing. Oh man this nod is pretty cool. You know what? At that moment they're both

Big Daddy. The fart rock has gone to 13 at this point. I was kind of expecting like in Predator Arnold Schwarzenegger Call Weather to Oh yeah Totally

Those handshakes Yeah that would be pretty great But yeah But you're doing it with John Cusack Yeah It's like a wet spaghetti You just nod and say Hey little buddy

That's what we need We need John Cusack in the side car Oh yeah Sure yeah He puts goggles on He's got a little oozy He doesn't know how to use So we're flying down the strips

still in this fire truck. We're catching up on motorcycles. We're spraying people with water. Sure. Basically, Nick Cage puts his life, again, like, dude, just go home to your wife and kid. You were unjustly in prison for seven years. Your day is done. They're on the land

now. There's cops that have cars. Yeah, you handle the Big Daddy. Also, the military, I mean, with the, what, thousands dead. You're right. The military is going to be there in a minute. They're going to find, though, and kill them. His Grand Theft Auto Star, off the charge. Oh man, it's at five.

Yeah, dude. Yeah. And then, like, it's this ridiculous thing where Malcovic is, like, on the ladder, and Cage, like, makes the ladder start, like, moving up, like, it's tilting to the up position. Right, and he handcuffs him to it. Oh, right. Yeah. On a scale of one... No getting out of that, Big Daddy. On a scale of

one to flying, how impossible is it to hold onto a ladder of a speeding fire truck? Like at top speed, at this speed, and then move around, and then someone's going at your hands, and you still have the force to hold on. It's impossible, but it's not cage impossible. Yeah, I couldn't do it when it's parked.

Teleporting? Yeah, it's closer to teleporting than anything else. I'm not going to teleporting. On that range scale? So then QSack is like up on the front of the car, and he's putting an axe through it trying to get MC Ganey, and he puts the fire hose in and starts drowning him. Which is great.

I can't breathe, Big Daddy. Oh, wow. I'm going under Big Daddy. Define irony. Swamp thing drowned in the swamp. Because it's like a swamp in there. I don't know why. Maybe he's dirty.

That's right, because Steve Bouchemmy is a genius and everyone's dancing to Sweet Home Alabama. And he's like, Define irony. A bunch of juggalo's dancing on a plane to a band that famously died in a plane crash. I'm in this movie for some reason. so whatever man like they go under whatever man they go under this overpass and the ladder slams into it and malcovich goes flying and i think he goes through a portal at this point yes because he instantaneously cuts from the vagus trip to some sort of like oil field or construction site or something outworld or something he went to badlands all of a sudden he falls onto electric wires you know you're like power lines, and he gets electrocuted.

No, he's not dead yet, because we're on a cartoon. Yeah, he goes in under this, like, smasher thing, which I think this thing was invented. It's like a conveyor belt of murder. Why is this there? It's precisely for smashing skulls, I think, is why this is it. And watermelons, welcome to Gallagher, Inc.

This thing's going to put me out of business. That's the new special Gallagher in, this thing's going to put me out of business. Maybe it's a, he goes to, like, dystopian timeline or world where Gallagher runs the show

and this is like Gallagher's guillotine. It would be. Absolutely would be. This big thing comes down on Malcovich's head and kills him. Cut back to Cage and his family. Cue the Leanne Rhymes. And she's not like oh dude, why did you just put your life

in danger for food? I had to kill more people. I had the taste ever since I shoved that nose into that brain. I had to say it my favorite man, Babyo. Yeah, he will be put to death pretty quickly now. I only kill people when it looks like I can get away with it.

It's justified. Didn't work that one time. Just that one time I slipped up. But you should have seen me in the Army, Sugar Bee. Kee. Killed a lot of people. And by the way, this is after fucking Nick Cage has fucking fished this fucking... Oh, disgusting bunny. out of the sewer

filled with Las Vegas street sweat and Steve Bouchemy's seaman at this point Lord knows what was going on at Con Air when there was a bunch of spin kicks happening So yeah He's like here you go sugar bear

Here's your disgusting rabbit And she doesn't want it And Monica Potter the mother is like You take what your daddy gives you And I'm like not this time No because this is a terrifying looking person Coming up to your child He's bleeding.

This dude is bleeding from his eyes. And he's just like, I just got the thrill of killer people. I look like the crucified Christ. Why didn't Nicholas Cage ever play Jesus Christ? Oh, well. I mean, it's still not too late. He almost played Superman. That's kind of close.

That's, yeah, that might be as close as it gets, actually, now that I think about it. Yeah, so she takes that rabbit. It's disgusting. They have a big family hug. Is hepatitis contagious? Yeah, the child is still. sure about this family group hug but she's just got a deal with it because she's like seven

just do it and then like him and Monica Potter just making out to Leanne Rhymes. End of movie almost end of movie. Oh yeah this is a stinger scene here. A little slip up there Mr. Bouchemmy Garling Green hitting the craps table. Like he was everybody's

I mean like he was fine. It's Steve Bichemy in the height of Steve Boucher Mishamie. He was I'll tell you what. He was everyone's favorite. But he was a serial killer. This was a star making performance. That narrowly stopped him killing. I remember seeing this in the theater and then seeing that scene and my eyes lit up and it was like, anything is possible.

It was a fun scene. It was like, wow, that's nice. He gets like a Mai Tai delivered to him and he's like, yep, I love gambling. He also says in the middle of the movie that he drove through three states with wearing a woman's head as a hat. Oh, yeah. I'm wooing for this guy. Woo, Garland! Garling Green, man. If this movie was made, like, nowadays, there'd be, like, a Garling Green mini movie

on the DVD extras, you know? Or, like, that full tea party scene. Some bobbleheads. Or, yeah, yeah. Ah, yeah, that is the action-packed con air right there. And then we get what Steve described as a victory lap. Oh, the victory lap, yeah. New term coined.

Sweet Home Alabama starts. Of course. It's every, and it's like, Colmini is agent, whatever the fuck, and we go through the whole, and I mean the whole cast. Every last one of them. And it's just like,

it's bad sitcom looking font too. And everyone's just like, a lot of people are looking at the camera and laughing. And I'm like, what movie did I just watch? That guy's a serial killer. He's out there. It's a movie that they had fun making.

If at the end of Silence of the Lambs, they did this victory laugh and it's like, Sweet Home Alabama, Ted Levine, and like Anthony held and everyone was just smiling Frankie face Yeah because I'm having a friend for dinner Where would it be?

So no goodbye horses for that victory lap? No, you can only do a victory lap Two, sweet home Alabama. Oh, okay. I could have done so much more. I could have this watch This watch. It even goes over.

when they were visiting the grave. Turn it up. Well, no, there was the two options that Spielberg had was the really poignant and incredibly moving scene where all the Holocaust survivors go back to the grave or the victory left to Sweet Home Alabama. I say split the difference.

I say split the difference. Welcome back to the Titanic. We've been waiting for you. Turn turn it out. You notice at the start of that song, he says turn it up. Oh, absolutely got to turn that shit up, man. tell you for like 10 years i would have been i was convinced i was like he says tomato

listen to the way he says turn it up yeah that's done it's not it's not like tomato tomato it sounds like tomato i always heard turn it up and i did you say turn it up i say tomato paul is dead tomato all of rock and roll's mysteries tomato tomato tapato turn it up yeah i could see it happening now i'm going to go back and check i actually will please do please do it's there would anybody recommend this movie i would it's super fun uh it's two hours long which is a little bit long yeah and like if we stood in the air i'd be a lot a lot happier but it's fun it's it's what i like this period of shitty bruckheimer movies like this the rock is actually a really good movie but like those kinds of action movie totally this is a big

recommend i mean come this is this is this is a classic 90s cinema i won't say classic cinema because that's terrible to say. But for the 90s, this is like, this is a little time capsule. Oh, sure. I would say light recommend. I really don't need, like, to Steve's point, like, I, the rape again is a very heavy spice.

Oh, there's a lot of weird stuff in here, man. But that and the kid stuff specifically, I was like, no, not here, guys. Yeah, no, it's, it's rough. But it's still other than that, it's, it's, it's weird spices in this. stew man some weird stuff i would say i could use this as a hangover movie of course um and just like kind of nod off and try to dodge all that casual races and other uncomfortable things yeah that'd be nice and just like kind of wake up for the explosions sure you know spin kicks too oh and the

spin kick yeah that's one or two spin kicks not nearly enough not enough that's con air from 1997 directed by simon west if you want to get a hold of us check out w hmpodcast or find us over at sideshow network.tv. Like us on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter. We are at WHM podcast and of course right into the mailbag. We all hate movies at gmail.com. Right and review

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See, look at that. And that is it for season six of We Hate Movies. Stay tuned for several weeks of reruns and live shows. Live shows. Don't go live shows. And live shows you've never heard before. Yes. So there will be some new stuff. And we're going to...

A predator 2 episode. Yes. And Jupiter's Sending and potentially others. But there's also going to be reruns guys. And a lot of people have been saying, like, I want to get whatever old episode. So some of these older episodes that you might not have been able to grab,

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So until September, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Seda. Eric Cisca. Chris Gavin. Take it easy. You're going to be.