We Hate Movies - S6 Ep262: Episode 262 - Jupiter Ascending (Live)

Episode Date: August 16, 2016

Recorded live in Brooklyn, June 11th, 2016 On this episode, the gang heads to Union Hall in Brooklyn to talk about the insane space debacle, Jupiter Ascending! What's with these half-humanoid, half-animal creatures? Did the film need all the incest themes? And look at those silly space roller blades! PLUS: A surprise guest takes the stage! Jupiter Ascending stars Mila Kunis, Channing Tatum, Sean Bean, and Eddie Redmayne; directed by the Wachowskis.Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I love New York City. Oh, yeah, New York City. Oh, yeah. New York City. New York City. Oh, yeah. New York City. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's awesome. You're making me nervous.

Sit down. Sit down. I was getting my notes out of my pocket. Pardon me. Yeah, that's too gross. Brooklyn, how are we doing this evening? All right. It is good to be doing a hometown show.

Yeah. I am Andrew Jupin. I'm Eric Siska. Hi. Whoa, wow. That's my guy. Fan favorite Eric Sisker. I'm nobody's favorite, Stephen Sadeg.

Yeah, you see what you do is you get them. Yeah, you stack the deck. Yeah, he's like, oh, nobody would like me. Sick pity vote, by the way. Oh, dude. Does anybody get a load of this shirt he's got here? It's a bunch of boats. I'm loving it.

No, I'm embarrassed. Why? Look at it. You look beautiful. This is my new yacht rock look. Oh, yeah. You're going to an indie rock concert after this to play. You play bass. I do. You're like a hotel painting come to life.

I love it. I will be playing a rock show in a hotel room later tonight. It looks like they gave us an extra microphone, maybe. There's only three of us in the show. Oh, amateur. Yeah, I don't know what that is about. What's that? What is that?

Fight for the rights of every man. I am a real American. It can't be. That's Chris Cabin's music. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It's Chris Cabin. It's Chris Cabin.

It's Chris Cabin. Back to the stage after a year away. My God. Oh, wow. Oh, you guys, stop it, please. Christ, man. Come on, stop it. When should we let Channing Tatum out?

Should we do that later? We'll keep him waiting. Let him breathe a little bit, I think. Yeah, we don't do that. Someone had to take him for a walk. Oh, did you leave the windows down? Oh, no. If anyone didn't get that joke, he plays a half dog in this movie.

Yeah, because he's dead in a car. By the way, the movie in question, is Jupiter ascending. Now, how many of you guys, how many of you guys watch this in anticipation of the show this evening? Holy shit. Unlucky, unlucky, unlucky, unlocky.

You're welcome, Warner Brothers. How many people understood it? No. All right, all right, yeah. If anyone was like, yeah, that person's a dirty liar. We have Channing Tatum here. He didn't understand it. He didn't understand it when he read the script. He didn't understand it when he made it. No.

You said the dialogue. So what is this movie about-ish? Who are you putting that question on? Anybody. Anybody can... Anyone? Let me just start doing that. Well, all right, so it's a space opera. Sure.

That's one detail. It's kind of like Milakunis inherits the planet Earth. Because she's a clone of a woman who was murdered by Eddie Redmond. Oh, pardon me. The recurrence. The recurrence is the word. Because we're making up fake, like, science fiction terms for things that we could just say in real English.

My favorite of which is blanked is when they do like men in black stuff when like basically aliens. When they do men in black stuff. That sounds gross than it should. No, it's basically when you don't, like you want everyone to forget aliens exist.

You blank the world? Yeah. Which sounds like match game. Well, I'm the oldest man in the world. Well, judging by that retirement neighborhood shirt you're wearing is like who you are. Yeah, we're good.

You know, you got a job working for vans, and you didn't tell me. I'm actually very jealous of that show. You should be. He's all right. He gets out for a walk every day. So, yeah, they're, so she's basically cleaning toilets. Her dad gets murdered for a telescope. Yeah, there's dumber things to be murdered over, but the telescope's a pretty stupid thing to lose your life over.

Wasn't that, like, her grandfather or something? Did it belong to fucking Galileo? Like, why do you care that much about it? I care about the facts. And we're going to get to the bottom. No, not you. I just mean, like, why does the character die for a telescope? Your pregnant wife is just there, and you let go of her to grab the telescope.

Well, because the secret police or something is stealing it. They might be super robbers. Oh, I see it. Well, because this movie starts in Soviet Russia. Spooky. It also starts with a really awkward piece of narration where she just goes, technically, I'm an alien. It's the first thing you hear in this movie.

It's kind of like a Nickelodeon narration. It's like that crazy summer. Technically I'm an alien. And now I'm starting high school. So yeah, she's a professional toilet cleaner. Yes. She comes from a long line of toilet cleaners. Yeah, she's like a cleaning lady.

It's like a family business of cleaning people. And she's the toilet commando. I've never seen so many shots of the same actor. cleaning a toilet in one movie and they're all pretty clean already I'd be like no that's good you can eyeball a toilet and be like that's fine yeah

well that's right away you see what's going on here this movie's saying something it's right away we're attacking like classes but like if you have a toilet lady I want that toilet to be wretched before she gets there just let it loose

or maybe just nothing to lose and if nothing happened you're going to bring mustard in there just because Oh, wait, wait, wait, hang on, I've got to get this ready for you. You're just shaking cinnamon all over the room. Oh, that is difficult to get up. That's unfair. That'll keep ants away, actually.

Yeah, which is good. It's a good idea. So in this family business is a cousin who tricks her into selling her so he can buy a flat screen TV? Yes. And in Xbox, too, I think. Oh, well, that's a package, too. Yeah, yeah.

Xbox One. Oh. Top of the line. Well, the weird thing is, he had the money anyway. He just needed to know that he was going to get recouped for the expenses?

I think he signed up for a Best Buy credit. Oh, I think. That's one of the few deleted scenes in this two hour and ten minute movies, this guy at Best Buy.

In the application, did he write that my cousin's selling her eggs and I'm getting the money? That's acceptable at Best Buy or Walmart. Oh, really?

That's a really invasive credit. Store credit. You can get store credit for ladies' eggs? Do you think Best Buy will take your eggs? Best buy we'll take your eggs.

F.Y.E. won't. And that's why they're out of business. Yeah, that's why they went away. That's why there's no more FYE. So, yeah, that guy's a scumbag. So, Channing Tatum is a dog person. A like intent? Yeah.

Not a werewolf. Again, you can't just say werewolf. He's a werewolf. No, he's a like intent. Do you have to license that, though? Can you just say a werewolf? Who owns a werewolf? I don't think he's like related to dogs and stuff?

Well, it's not because it's space. So it's not like a dog like we know dogs, but he says like space. It's closest to what you'd call a wolf. Well, he kind of looks like if Elroy fucked Astro on the Jetsons. I'm not going to beat this, but I was going to say a handsome guy Fierry. Wait, wait. Have you... That too. I was going to say a sexy version of John Candy and Spaceball.

He's the closest to barf, yeah. I was going to say, have you been on deviant art lately, Astro? He sure has. The answer is yes. His page is now accepting paper. PayPal Donate. There's some interesting Jetson stuff. I bet. I bet. With that robot.

He gets her egg application and smells it so he knows that it's her because he's got dog sense. Right. But it's like space dog sense. So yeah, it's unexplained, confusing, and gross. And he's all at once. He's being followed by these bounty hunters from

Martle Combat 3. Or Mortal Kombat 3. Martle Combat 3. That's how he said in Ireland. Martel combat. Yeah, I think. Cano's in this movie. Everyone's got an extra eyeball or a blue hair.

There's definitely exactly one sneaker pimp that I noticed. And the sneaker pimp is the only one that's riding a flying motorcycle? Why aren't they a gang of flying motorcycle people? Yes. Why does she just get one? She's top dog. Or not top dog? No, there's only one top dog in this case.

It's Channing Tatum. So basically they're trying, she's the queen of earth and they want to murder her. listen to us try to crack this yeah I just so there's all right so there's a royal family okay it's Eddie Redmayne another guy who may or may not have been in a hunger games

or some other YA thing seems like more of an allegiance to me I think that's a YA so divergent all that the divergent series yeah that sounds right have been in there might have been there maybe a vampire diaries oh yeah he could be a vampire diary

is he number four or no No. I am Alex Pettifer. Okay, got it. What was it? The snowman and the Hutzman? What was that?

Oh, that was Thor was that guy. Oh, okay. So he's a, he's a guy. He's a handsome man. And then they have a sister. And everybody's fucking everybody. Mm-hmm. You get that vibe really hard in this movie.

And they're immortal so-and-so. They're the Abrasix family. Abraxious. Someone say abracious. Yes, they're the abracus. My ears are burning. He wishes he was in this movie. It's eerily similar to

Abraxas Garden in the universe. Similar enough for our use. Because he's been alive. All we need is a little door to talk about Jesse Van Duren. We'll kick that fucking thing in. We'll kick it right in. These people have been alive for eons.

Eons, we're told. And Abraxas, Jesse Ventura, was alive long enough to spend 10,000 years on the police force to see himself become the villain. I think this is a shared cinematic universe. Oh, and maybe they changed his name in Ellis Island because it was a brassix

and then they were like, oh, a Braxis. Yeah, that doesn't make it better. No, it's just an equally confusing last name. It was a typo. And their mother's dead, and she used to look like Milakunis. According to a lame statue we see at one point, I've made better-looking statues in this thing.

Kind of, like, the statue looks like Chloe Graf Moritz. I'm just like, oh, my God. Wow, she was really the one the whole time. Yes. She was the fifth wave. Yes, she was. She was the fifth wave. There's some, I don't know, I didn't see that one.

There was a virus. There was a trailer for that. There may even been a whole movie. I didn't follow up. I see no evidence of it. So they're about to take her eggs and then gray aliens like... Like actual gray aliens. Yeah.

I couldn't believe it. You got so excited. I did. I got so excited. And then when I was done watching the movie, I forgot. they were in it because of all the other crazy stuff. Well, it's like gray aliens, and you're like, all right, so that's the grays and the humans.

And then, like, this wave of gleep-glop monsters and nonsense happens. And they are, like, trumped by all these other monsters. Yeah, there's an elephant man. And I'm not talking about John Merrick. I'm working for you now, Eddie Redmayne. That actually kind of sounds like Eddie Redmayne. Yes. He's been nominated for Academy Awards.

He's won them. I think this is the only movie of his I've seen. So you missed the Stephen Hawking one. Yeah. You missed the Danish girl. I missed it, yeah. Le Miz, you missed? I missed it.

Oh, he was singing and getting killed in that movie. But it's kind of singing in this movie, too. For some reason, his character has been punched in the scrote, like, right before he talks. Every time. Oh, it's fine. No, I'm okay. Everything is good. he has eaten so much scenery in this movie man

I think after every shooting day he had to go to the hospital and get his stomach pumped what with all the scenery he was eating the doctor's just like you again my god I couldn't help myself it was just a buffet of scenery

so delectable so the greys were trying to kill her while they're like because she set up this egg harvesting thing and that's just a front. It is. It's just a front to kill you. Yeah. Look at it, Best Buy. And then so Channing Tandib runs in on my favorite part of the movie.

His anti-grabb roller blades? Holy shit, that's stupid. Are we sure this wasn't a Nickelodeon movie? Like, they just aged the characters up? It might have started off that way, because these are some rad skates that he's got on. He saves her he starts grinding on

things. Well, the funniest thing to me is that he has to wind them up like he has to kick the air like 20 times to fucking actually fly because he used to have wings now he's a dog person right remember that

he's half dog half dog but he's got clipped wings falcon wings we come to see because he used to be a space cop and then like he bit somebody I think no Steve Steve he was a skyjacker skyjackers shut up You stupid movie, say Space Pirate.

Everyone else says Space Pirate. Fucking Skyjacker. Yeah, I can't deal with it. That also just sounds like airline terrorism, by the way. How did that slip into this movie? Wait, is that how he got kicked off the force? I don't know. Rough, land this plane in Cuba.

If his skyjacker code name was Rough. Bravo. Ruffles? Carlos the Jackal, the first skyjacker. Oh, I got that. I want this prequel. movie now. Was D.B. Cooper part dog?

We'll never know. No. So basically he kidnaps her and he's like, by the way, you're the space queen and something or other, and then Milakounis is just like dead-faced forever. And then the aliens try, this is

the big chase scene, right? This is, I will say, an impressive part of this movie. The thing about this movie is it's terrible, but it looks really pretty. Because it's the Wachowski's. They do that. Yeah, totally. They don't write movies. They just make them.

Design them. I mean, the lasers are nice to look at. The lasers are nice. Chicago getting beautifully blown to bits, I guess, is pretty impressive. Kind of. It's getting zapped all over the place, and you're told later, like, oh, don't worry, all these people are going to get blanked. They're not going to know about aliens.

But, like, what about the people who die? Yeah, there's no mention of necromancy. Yeah. It's just like these aliens are fixing the Hancock Tower really for. Yeah, and this is where they blank people, right? Yeah, they're blanking left and right. You know what, at least in men in black, they have the common courtesy

to show Will Smith, putting on sunglasses, pulling out a little thing, and doing it. He's just like, as they drive away in a rental car, which I don't see them yet. No. He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're just blanking people back there. Don't worry about it. And she's like, hey. Because there's no process.

Like, he's just like, yeah, that's what we do. You can't just say you're blanking a city. Do you think there's a deleted scene where they go to Hertz, like Milakunis and Channing Tandem as a dog? Yes. It's a moment for comedy because she's like, like, the attendant behind the counter is like, do you need pet and Sharon?

And she, like, looks over at him like, do I? And he goes, burr. And then they blank them. Oh, you think they just stole that car? Is it hot? It's hot. I think it's a hot car. Nice.

I think it's a hot car. I think, but I do think the attendant, played by Josh Gad. Oh, nice. Nice. Pretty sure. So they go to Sean Bean's house Now Sean Bean

I didn't know this until I watched a movie twice And then I read today on Wikipedia That he was half B the whole time The whole time? The whole time he's half a B What in the world? He doesn't look like a B? But that's the thing

And that's where this movie starts to unfold Because after we realized that And you went back There's clues along the way He's got like spiky hair like bee stingers. Just like a bee. The back of his head is shaved in stripes like a bee. Yeah, that's a bee's haircut, for sure.

He's got like little like yellow eyes. I'm not saying he looks like a bee. These are traits that's like, hey, it's a bee. Hey, it's a bee. You're missing the biggest one of all. His name's fucking Stinger. Oh, yeah. Is he a rescue ranger?

Like, what the fuck? Where's Monterey, Jack. Oh, Monterey Jack should have been in this movie. You get a morbidly obese guy who's half mouse. You call him Jack. It's not as far fetched. He's got a mustache and he's useless to the team. As you'd think, because there is a half mouse person also in this movie. And they're half rat as well, right?

Wait, really? Half mouse and rat? No, there's a mouse and a rat. There's a mouse lady who's like a sexy assistant to Eddie Redmay. Oh, right. And then another one of Eddie Redmayne's many assistants is this rat dude. Oh, the weird kind of like creepy. Yeah, I thought he was like a half goat. I mean, he could have been

a B, too, I'm not sure. I didn't check the Wikipedia. Spoiler alert, it totally doesn't matter. You never see this guy like eating a can. Which, also, if they're all from space, why are they all earth animals? Great question. Well, except for the dragons.

Oh, we'll hit those dragons and exactly the dragons. We don't want to lose Sean B. All right, yeah. I'm sorry. So he is? Well His house is rotten with bees

It's disgusting They're just lazily hanging around Like they're not going to sting him Because he's a bee And I guess his daughter is a half bee On her father's side Well that makes her a quarter bee A quarter bee

Because he's And then there's just how we're doing this And there's honeycombs Just sticking out of your fucking attic And here's the thing It's disgusting And it's not like Oh well they're just like my people

So it's fine Like as you pointed out earlier today Chris you wouldn't want to live in a house where you've got like a thousand roommates. No. It's your family. You're half-bee. There's a bunch of bees around. Oh, you think they're talking to him?

Probably. If you're half-bee, you can understand him, I imagine. I never see him. Channing Tatum doesn't talk to a dog. It's unconfirmed whether or nothing telepathic, I'm saying. I'm not sure that... See, they were thinking. I'm not sure Sean Bean's performance was informed by the fact that he was half-bee.

He didn't know he was half. I think he might have ignored. He ignored that part. Yeah, they're like, oh, here's your antenna, Sean Bean. He's like, no, we're not doing that. Well, how about this cute little Stinger? No, we're not doing that either. I think they were too terrified to even bring up the Stinger possibility. It's like he shot down the antennas and was already really mad.

We should have led with Stinger. Here's a bowl of honey. No, no, no. But the bees, whether or not they're getting telepathic communication from Sean Bean, also respect Milakunis as queen of the world apparently bees can can like sniff out

royalty. Just sniff it right out. Does that mean like McCauley Cokin and my girl was like a prince? Oh! No, with what they did to him he was like an enemy of the story. He was talking shit about princess die

and then they killed him. He was a turncoat. The guy was a turncoat. Was Sean Bean referring to all bees? are just like these magic beings. I think it's all bees. Just all bees. I mean, these people are like fertilizing the earth. We come to learn that earthlings, also known as humans,

exist elsewhere in the cosmos. Oh, yeah, we didn't start on Earth. No, we're just the food bank, you know? Like people are going to swim in our juices later on to revitalize themselves and come back to life. So we're just using... To just breeze through that. We're using people as fuel again. Again.

Watchowski's. Again, people as food. I'm just afraid that they're going to turn a couple people into jelly. You know what I mean? Like eventually the Wachowski's in all the money that they have. Real people?

Yeah, they're going to just grind up people and make them into jelly because I think they believe that works. Do like the Heisenberg like barrel thing. Oh nice. You know, and then like take it out and can it and, you know, put it away for a while and let it age and you got some like, you know, Wachowski brand people

jelly because in this movie a hundred people is like an energy drink it's like a big fat red bowl that keeps you young is the idea yeah it looks like that a pretentious brand of water boss you ever seen that show I'm always afraid it's shampoo

like I know it's water but it looks too much like shampoo for me to buy it yeah are you supposed to drink this stuff or bathe in it only is it like a bath mom more than I think they may I mean you can drink it Are we talking about people or the Voss water?

Oh, I was talking about the people. The people. The people boss water. But I feel like if you get some in your mouth, it's not that big of a deal. It's not like drinking chlorine. Well, some people like take shots of it and other people like Eddie Redmayne

bathe nude in it. Oh. Because he's like mega rich. It reverses the aging process. Yeah, because in the beginning he looks like Reed Richards for four minutes and then like he gets younger, which is whatever.

You're spending all this money to make this movie. How about it? putting some space bucks into this age makeup. It's so bad. The age makeup is the worst of all of it. We should just agree as a society to stop doing age makeup. It's never been a thing that's successful ever.

Just like, you know, some like baby powder in your hair and that's kind of it. Bigger glasses, maybe? Yeah. Then I'll look at the guy from up. It's got so sad right now. Yeah, whatever. But, so Sean Bean,

Those are all of the stuff. Careful, I did that already, and they turned on me. I love it. Well, apparently humans killed the dinosaurs, like space humans? Oh, that's right. Yeah, this was supposed to be a dinosaur planet all along. Right. But now they needed a farm to harvest to go swimming.

So wait a second. This royal family, these three siblings, inherit planets. They're all, like, entitled to a planet. And these, it's like when someone in a family dies, and then all, like, the petty children fight over their bodies. belongings and stuff. Yeah. They're fighting over Earth is what this means.

Yes. And as long as Milakunis is alive, technically the mother's still alive so they don't get shit so they're trying to kill her so they can harvest Earth and eat everybody. And they also named Earth. They named Earth and somehow that made it to us. Yeah. We also called Earth. They put it in the textbooks.

I don't know. They got in the textbook marker, you're saying? I think they did, yeah. Okay. That's one of the things. So in the middle of this looper house that they're in, all of these, like, space bounty hunters come and start busting it up right yeah right before this though I don't want to lose this because how do you do something like this in a movie Sean B has a daughter and this this girl

she's maybe like 17 she just goes hey I'm gonna go to the grocery store and get some food does anybody want anything and they go you're not a character and she goes okay and she gets in a car and drives away and that's the last time you see this character she drove too far out of the movie Oh, she left movie town. That will happen. Wrong turn. I'm sure there's like some graphic novel the Wachowski's wrote about her trip to the grocery store.

Yeah, you've got to buy like an animated DVD short. It loops into a video game you don't want to play. Yeah, all of it. It's all called B grocery store. The game is like, how fast can you like check out through the self-checkout? Well, that level's called buzz off. So they're like laying waste to this house.

Channing Tatum has his shirt off because he was injured in that battle. Sure. And Milakun has put like a maxi pad over him to sort of stop the bleeding. Yeah. And basically like all the bees attack the bounty hunters and so on.

We find out what crop circles are, everybody. Crop circles are these invisible planes when they take off. They leave little cute crop circles, which is... So Wonder Woman? Yeah, Wonder Woman leaves crop circles all over in her wake.

she's an alien so this is the first or the second of four times that she's kidnapped in this movie yes and like so we go we're gonna go like sibling to sibling and they all tried to sell her on like turning over the rights to earth to them it's kind of like the tootsy pop commercial like go ask mr owl like she keeps going to everybody and eventually she'll go to the good one I guess no the last one's Eddie Redmond oh he's the worst yeah it gets worse and worse it's first goes to the sister and the sister like kind of hits on her a little bit and he's like hey watch me take a bath and in people, and it's like, I guess. I don't really want to. She doesn't say that it's people yet. I feel like if you're going to make someone watch you bathe in people, that is up-front information. Yes. Like, you may think this is just a pool, but it's like a pool of people. But she also says, like, you look just like my mother, and then proceeds to hit on her.

Yeah, also a lot of weird incest overtones. There is at least one room that is only candles. It's completely dark, just full of candles. They never go out. They're always on. They're space candles. That's the technology we need. We have them.

The little flameless candles that flicker like a little light. These are better. Oh, all right. Did you watch the movie? Sort of. Sort of twice, which equals one, yes. So while she's doing this,

Channing Tatum, I guess, is a stow away on her ship. Oh, no, I'm sorry, he gets kidnapped, or what happens? Hey, let's go with Stowe away. He stows away. And he saves her. Then she gets kidnapped. kidnapped again by the brother.

And in the middle of this, Eddie Redmayne and his field of dragon people that he's got. It's like a dragon Gestapo. Because they're wearing leather trench coats. Yeah, it's pretty stupid. And they're all talking, and he's talking shit to these dragons. This whole movie. Like, he is dressing these dragons down.

Well, he's like the ruler of them, so you've got to show him who's boss. Okay, dragon. I'm going to burn your fucking family to the ground. If you fail me again I'll steal all the gold from your keep dragon I'll sneak up to you whilst your sleeping dragon

and light a flame under your nose I'll burn you alive from the inside out dragon I will hard boil your child's eggs and eat them this is like the most fucked up shit you could say to a dragon it's really offensive dragon stuff but it keeps them in line Because the dragons keep failing, because they're just henchmen.

One gets murdered, that's pretty fun. Oh, man, that dragon gets torn us under. He was, like, tortured first. Yes, there's, like, pizza cutters that come down on it. And it's awesome, because it's just this bad cartoon, like, Duh! And we were laughing. And, you know, like a Gumba from Super Mario Brothers

could just walk into this movie, and you wouldn't bat an eye. No, no way, you're totally right. Well, that's the unicorn could show up in this movie. I'm like, hey, cool. I don't know. Like, Alan Alda should show up. I'm okay with that. That's a bone-chilling alien.

Look, it's death himself. And then the baby from Baby's Day Out as well. Oh, yes. Yes, absolutely. I wouldn't blink. Yeah, that baby's doing laps in the pool. So they kidnap her family because who could ever care. They keep going back to this, like, my big fat Russian family or whatever.

Oh, God, it's disgusting. They're all just like one-linering Like they really want to be on a t-shirt And the thing is This movie takes place in 2014 or whatever 13 And like They're all talking about Stalin the whole time And I'm like

They're like using They're like invoking Stalin as like a curse word Yeah she's like oh Stalin's balls on you What the fuck? Communism fell a long time ago And Stalin fell way before that Also true And his balls before then

at least like Yeltsin's balls or something sure I mean 2013 Putin's balls my god yeah you can go for it and so she gets kidnapped by this guy the brother who looks like a really sexy Robert Zadar kind of he's got a big face

he's got a huge face it's a jaw that's like so perfect you're just like you're not a person and like he's hitting on his mother like you would and he's like hey He wants to marry his mother. Oh, sure. Well, they all do.

They all want to marry mom. Don't we all? That's endgame. Wait. What? Sorry, I just got a reel for a second. What's going on at the Vance Factory? What I wanted to say, though, is we're, like, introduced to this brother in the best way possible.

I think you could ever introduce a character. A zero-g-orgy. Yeah. This guy is just, like, laying out, like, Jesus, and there's a boss. of people just touching him. And this woman comes in, what is the line, you have it? Only good news in here.

Yeah, yeah. In other words, if you have something bad to tell me, stand out in the hall and wait until this is done. Otherwise, hop in. We have a system. Give me the light, and I'll come out eventually. I bet, like, Saturday nights, this place turns into the event horizon.

Oh, well, people are holding their eyeballs in their hand. Oh, yeah. It's kinky, yeah. Okay, sure. Some chains. Just a real mixed animal house of horrors. And is this where she applies for citizenship that takes forever? Oh, man, because I need to see all the red tape that goes into getting, like,

your registration number on your arm, by the way. Yikes. Whatever. It takes, they have Terry Gilliam in it because for whatever. He's like cosplaying as Tom Waits. It is terrible. It's just her going from room to room filling out forms, and I'm like, I thought this was a space opera.

You can't have robot people and half-dog people in the same movie. Those are two different movies. Not alone half-dragons. The half-elephant in the room. So it's not that big of a problem, then? No, it's a half-size. She's like going around with this robot that's like Jude Law from AI. Yeah.

And like Terry Gilliam's like, flattening a penny at Disney World essentially that's how you make her specialty number for registration or something because eventually yes now she owns the earth and this guy wants to marry her so he can have the earth and like she believes him

like he's like oh my whole family are evil space vampires but I'm not an evil space vampire I'm the good one yeah they mention that like the legends on earth are because of us being vampire yeah taking credit for vampires okay Royal alien family

Yeah, you're just regular people that like to go swimming And how would Bram Stoker know one thing from another? I think Bram Stoker was one of these people Oh shit. Half bat. Yeah.

He probably was Eddie Redmay. Oh. Because they've been alive for so many eons, we're told. I'm going to Earth and writing scary stories for a while. Yes, that's right, Mother. That's what I'm doing.

with my life. I'm the Prince of the Galaxy, and I want to write spooky tales on Earth. I just like to scare them. Mother, now zip up my back. I'm going to be a Sasquatch. I always wanted big feet. I'll come back as R. L. Stein next time.

Maybe a half dog is giving me goosey. giving me goose bumps. So whatever. Oh, yeah. So, like, they have this stupid wedding scene, right? Well, he's like, listen, the best way to get out of this jam is to marry me. And she's like, well, all right, that checks out. Sure.

Sounds like a great idea. But he does this in this room filled with thousands of people in these jars, and she, like, almost throws up and, like, drops the thing. Wouldn't you? Yeah, I don't. If I'm holding a thing that I think is Voss water, and he's like, there's a hundred people in there. I just throw up all over it.

100 people in one little bottle, that's gross. Well, you throw up, but then you let it, like she does, she drops it and it crashes all over the floor. I'm like damaged. I just killed 100 people. I wasted them. Well, you wasted them. They're definitely dead.

They're definitely dead. You could also clearly see it's been filtered. So what are you afraid of? I guess so. He's just like, Well, there's more where that came from. Oh, by the way, I'm not evil. Like, it's just like, I have a million people behind me, but I totally,

and I kidnapped you, but I want to marry you for real reasons. She's, like, being reminded every 15 minutes that this dude is not an evil overlord. All he needs is the piano to be really evil. To play the tunes of an evil person? Yeah, like a Phantom of the Opera situation, you know. Yeah, I thought you meant like Billy Joel. He's like, where's this going? Come out, Virginia, don't think you're doing it.

Drinking people? I think Billy Joel was in it. That was Eddie Redmayne also. We didn't start the fire. It was always burning, since we started your world turning. God, I wish he was dead. Eddie Redmayne? Yeah, sure.

Certainly not Sir Billy Joel. No, no. No, you know what I didn't. Whatever. They have this wedding that looks like, I don't know, a Greek nightmare, right? Well, there's all these, this is like, and here's the perfect sign that this guy's evil. He can't get anyone to actually attend this wedding, so there's like 200 people in this thing, and they're all robots. I think he calls them Sims.

Does he really call them Sims? I don't know, maybe I was wrong. I think like Synthetic. I just thought this. Sins. Sins? Yeah, like synthetic. Oh, okay.

Oh, I see. Oh, I thought he meant Sims. I thought this dude was a gamer. a 1996 gamer We gotta get married with all my video games Mario's here and Link and Donkey Kong all my friends

their Wario would definitely be there Oh of course Wario Waluigi They attend together I think Eddie Redmayne could win an Oscar for playing Mario probably right I think he's more of a Waluigi Yeah you're right

Yes I am Wau Luigi He's kind of like also almost crying the entire time. Well, you just got punching the balls the entire time. Which reminds me, though, there's definitely one part in this movie where he does get kicked in the balls. He should talk normally,

like, oh, you fixed it. And then he gets kicked again, and it goes back, like a cable guy. You know, you can't kick... He does get kicked in the balls once, I counted. You can't do twice because then you're officially an earnest movie. Like, once you have the second ball kick,

it's like, oh, now he's going to be... fixing a toilet or cleaning it. Hey, Vern, what's going on on the space opera? So, Channington meets up with this other group of space pirates called the Aegis and a lot of people just have fake robots. They got a little

bored at this point. There's a lot of like robot parts here, here, here, wherever. Cyborgs. Yeah, and the elephant man is there who's called Nash. Who looks like an elephant. Right. So it's like a reference to what Ganesh. Yeah, that's great. That's really like spiritual, man.

Yeah, no, dude, this movie is deep A.F. And I kind of imagine that there would be probably, like, eventually, like, he's about to die, and he's like, I'll never forget this. Right? He's an elephant. Come on. Now they're turning on you. Yeah, nobody. Not even that shirt will save you now.

So, Eddie, Channing Tatum comes in and blasts up this wedding or something. Oh, yeah, he skates right in on those hip blades. And he goes, I'm taking her away now. It's a real like my planet needs me situation. Because he's about to blow away this evil prince and she's just like, he's not worth it. And I'm like, yeah, he is. He's an evil prince.

You should kill him. You want his corpse. Yes. Ready to go at any time. Just shoot this little weiner in the face. Like, that's what this movie needs to do. They should be killing everyone. Yeah.

This whole house of Abraxas should be brought down. My whole family was murdered by a half dog. I'm out for revenge. Against House Secundus. House of Brexas and House Secundus have been feuding for years. This summer, it blows over. He needs to be in this movie. He does.

This is when her family gets kidnapped by dragons. And dragons show up, and no one has a heart attack. If a dragon came in. Dragons show up, it's like the house from family matters. They just, like, break through the roof. These are regular people. They're not accustomed to Eddie Redmains and dragons. Nope.

They would shit and piss and die. There's like a hundred. In that order. Oh, yeah, of course. And then shit again. There's like that hundred-year-old grandma who's like stirring the sauce at the beginning of this movie. Oh, she might have seen a dragon. She just goes, you again.

But like I would turn into stone and crumble. A fucking dragon in my living room? Nobody faints. Nobody even faints. I'm not just a dragon, a dragon wearing clothes. Yeah, and totally talking to you. That's a totally different situation. That is.

Maybe I'm into it now. Well, see, the thing is you can't faint like that because that's like too comedic, like, ah, yeah. You know, like my medication. That's like a bad... Your heart would explode in your chest. Or, like, what are the odds

that those dragons don't stomp on one of those people? There's like eight people living in this tiny house. This movie needs more death. Yes. Step on one of these people. Or a dog, maybe. Step on a dog. Do we know whether or not these dragons can actually spit fire, like these dragon people?

Not yet. No. Well, guess what, not ever. I was thinking they're probably actually more, like, related to dinosaurs, right? Oh. Because that's what they were originally on Earth, apparently. Sure. So school tells me.

I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. But, yeah, so they kidnapped this whole dumb, my big Russian family. And then they fly. Milakunis comes home and, whoops, there's the rat guy there. And he's like, oh, we kidnapped your family again. Like, this is, like, way too much. We're just quickly going back to Earth.

Like, it's just down the street. Like, she's just popping in, like, a kid coming home from college too much on the weekend. With her dog boyfriend, like everybody did. That's not going over so well with her weird Russian uncle. is he orthodox or what But yeah Like I've already been to space man I've seen the wonder of the fucking whatever

That's where you were Chris I was like is he talking about himself You've been to space No No but like Dude you do that And then you come back And you stick me in the middle of King of Queens

And like I don't give a shit I never gave a shit This movie could have used Jerry Stiller Don't make me think about that Because now that's all I can think about The Kevin James Casualty. Like, he's the dude, like, they're

cable company cousin or something. And he comes home from work and goes, Dragons, blah, blah, and just dies. Or maybe he's like a half pig bounty hunter, maybe? Oh, that's how we're thinking. Sir Oinks. Channing Tatum needs a team

of dog soldiers, right? Yes, yes. Yes. Why is it just him and Sean B? Don't, and the elephant man is there, too. I'm sorry, you are acting like this elephant man is some huge fucking character in this movie. There's approximately four shots of the elephant man.

It's impossible to have a favorite, Andrew, okay? And that was my favorite character. Each shot is him behind a console going, D-Dh! It's like a literal Porkens-type monster character. But the weird thing is they spent so much money. The nose is going up and down. Oh, they worked real hard to get that nose as realistic as possible.

So, like, there's like a romance ruin between Milakunas and this dog man. Oh, God. You better believe it. And he's all like, do you like dogs? Do you like dogs? It's really weird. No, he's not into it. He's like, oh, you know, I have more in common with a dog than one of your people.

He's prepping her for the Red Rocket, dude. Oh, no. I mean, that is, it's the biggest question of the movie. Read between the line. How much time we got left? It's the biggest question of the movie is his genitalia. I understand that it remains unresolved. It was a real save-it for the sequel.

You're not going to believe this. A bunch of people are fucking in this movie. He's not, and he's talk, he's doing that dog talk. What, dog? Was he barking at her? He should sniff some asses, too. Totally. It's gross because he's like, I have more in common with dogs than people.

And she goes, but I love dogs. Wrong answer, lady. Wrong answer. It's like the start of a fucking Bobcat Goldthwaite movie. No, but his beef, though, is not that he's a dog. He may say that, but the beef is that he knows that she's royalty, and he's just like this dog grunt soldier kind of thing. Snobbs versus slabs kind of a situation.

And he doesn't want to set himself up for heartbreak, so he's like, I can't even start this kind of a thing. And he's like, yeah, it's because I'm a dog. Sure, sure, sure. It's because I'm a dog. So this wedding's broken up, and then she gets kidnapped a third time, maybe? But no, this is when she, like, agrees to go to Eddie Redmayne's planet, which is Jupiter, where he's got his factory.

Yeah, he's sort of like, is we all know Jupiter to be a gaseous planet, but there's like a thing set up on the inside. There's an infrastructure that he's built with his gaseous planet, because why the hell not? Sure. It's pretty. It kind of looks like the thing at the end of episode three, that lava planet.

What was it? Mustarfa? Mustafa? You know what? I'll take your word for it. All of you. I'll take all your words for the name of it. I'll take your word for entire audience. And it's like, it's at the third. time someone just like tries to sell her a timeshare it's like turn earth over to me and you know

eight weekends a year you can come hang out here well he's like it's Eddie Redmayne who's the most evil man in the world and yes dragons it's like oh if you uh he's doing that villain double talk which i'm glad she's able to speak through he's like oh if you if you give you earth to me i'll make sure your family gets exactly what they deserve yeah it's like do you dealing with a genie. Like an evil Twilight zone gin kind of a thing. Yeah.

And her family stuck in the floor at this point? Well, they're about to be turned into like Voss water food. Yeah, goop. At least that cousin has to go. That weird egg stealing TV buying cousin. This family's been nothing but a burden to her. I say goop them all.

Because this needs to be a movie where it's like I hate my family. Now I'm on a space adventure and I never think about them ever again. Yes, they might as well be goop to me. They should be like the gross family from Harry Potter that he leaves. Yes. In which I do think there's a deleted scene where he burns that house down,

right? Like he goes back and learns all the spells. Yeah, oh yeah, absolutely. Oh, yeah. He puts his friggin' broom across the door handle. Yeah. Oh, yeah, dude. And Bursaday Dursley just burns to the ground. Richard Griffiths is in the attic window trying to smash it.

Yes, exactly. And the house just tips over. Ron just hands him a cigarette next to him. It's next to be cool, right? Watch it burn, dragon. Yeah, and he's like, yeah, I mean, at the very least a little fat cousin should turn into like a five-hour energy drink,

probably, right? Yeah, at least one. Oh, the little kid? Yeah. Oh, he don't know no better. Turn them into an animal or something. Oh, that's good. I want to see someone turn into an animal.

Oh, like it's spliced, huh? Yeah, I'm on live TV. Well, that's the weird question, because, like, they make a point of saying that Channing Tatum's character was human and was bred for like war, because he's a dog person, which is great. What's the deal?

I know I'm going to go back to it. What's the deal with the elephant dude? Why does he do it? Maybe space Atila. Wait, what was this? Attila? No, not Attable. Hannibal. Yeah, Space Hannibal. Oh, he wanted to be a general. You could cross the space alps. Well, I think, no, like the elephant guy,

your favorite character in this film. Yeah, absolutely my favorite character is all right. He's like the navigator, though, so he's never going to forget where they're going. Oh, I see. That joke will never work. comparatively. We're going to try it. We might try it one more time. Yeah, so it's this whole thing where it's like, I

promise, if you sell me Earth, you'll just go back there and then I'll harvest it like way later. Like you and all your dumb family will be long dead. You'll be gone. And then I'll do it. Just don't worry about just don't worry about it. Just sign the paper. And she almost signs the papers, which is like a weird

like steampunk iPad. She's got to like put her hand on this stupid thing. Yeah, there's a lot of bad looking stuff in this movie. Well, it's all like when you go to like a club, like your little tattoo highlights up basically. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, black light stuff. So she realizes that it's a whatever and she kicks him in the balls. And then the dragons show up. The dragons show up and try to like get her in Channing Tatum. There's a great line though where she's like accusing Eddie Redmayne of like genocide and he just goes,

I create knives. Well that's he's got two speeds. It's ugh and just find somewhere in the middle for most of this dialogue. Well, my favorite one is the first one where he's just talking, talking, talking, he's like, okay, and go do that. Go! And that's it.

Yeah. He really wanted them to go. Yeah, go, hurry up. Pick a speed because otherwise you turn into Al Pacino real quick. And then he's just in trouble. This is when he talks about how he killed his own mother and it goes, that goes up for a while. Well, it turns from like, you know, like it was my mother.

into like, now you're my mother. And those lines just turned into one gross line. And he's like getting ready to, you know, bang mom. What? That's... Look, I didn't write the fucking thing. I'm just

talking about what happens. It is what happens. It's gross. And like they fight for a while. And then the dragon people are fighting Channing Tatum. And Channing Tatum, like, you know, rides a dragon. He does kind of ride this dragon. He's like breaking his wings. It's kind of brutal.

It's pretty awesome. He's got like one broken wing and like he can't breathe fire and he goes like, you hurt me, says this cartoon to another dog. He bites him and I'm like, I'm so pissed

because I didn't know the dragons were biting people. It sinks into a... Yeah, a big chump. I'm sorry, dog or human, you're dead. I'm surprised his head didn't fall off. You were bit by a dragon.

We could use that. If that's a McConnornehy movie taught me anything. The egg cousin. The egg cousin. should have had his head eaten. Or the elephant guy. Let him get eaten.

Oh, Steve would start crying. How about the bird dude? That owl man we didn't talk about. Oh, the owl man. What, Matthew McConaughey would be? Dallas Byers Club? What happened? Is there dragons in that? I'll tell you all about what happens if a dragon bites you.

Oh, wow. Yeah. It was the... You made up whatever you wanted to me. Just talking about fucking dragons. No, rain of fire. Yeah, yeah. They're riding dragons in that movie.

Yeah, and they're, like, fighting or whatever. And, like, he basically, there's this weird floor thing where the floor can turn see-through, and then the dragon gets decapitated, sort of. They were, like, strangled at hung? Strangled by a floor. Yeah, because he, like, turns the floor back on too quick. This is a big child. I don't know why they have this.

And it gets them right in the neck. Yeah, and you know what? Channing Tatum needs a line here, something, anything. Like, a line, like, you know, you've done your last one. Whatever, Dragon. Like, that's flooring for you. Now, there's no real... I think they probably poured over it, you know,

like, what the puns. Oh, don't lose your head's not going to work. The head doesn't fall off. Yeah, you want that. You do want that. Actually, you want the body to sort of like pop off and fall, right? Yeah.

Doesn't happen. But that's a real hazard, though. It's like a Murphy bed, right? Like, that's not I'm afraid of what happened to you in a Murphy bed. I think dozens of people have died that exact way in a Murphy bed. I would say so.

It just flips you up like a cartoon That is what inspired the movie. Well, the Wachowski's were in, like, a really bad hotel, and they were like, oh. Yeah, back in the day, they had to stay in some dive. Oh. They let their pet chameleon go for too long. Oh, problems happened. So, fitting of a movie that, you know, you think of maybe a lightsaber battle between Eddie Redmond and Millicunis or some sort of thing.

No, they fight each other with pipes. Dude, he starts... He's doing, like, this mafia beatdown with you. This pipe. He is laying pipe. Well, that's, you know, if he can see. Oh, there's Discaheads out there. Now it's just getting fun to make them do that.

But, yeah, they're just, like, beating with pipes, and it's like, there's, like, gizmos and gadgets all over this stupid planet. Anything. No. Steel Channing Tatum's laser gun, like, pull it out of your shirt, secretly. And because Eddie Redmayne weighs 40 pounds, Millicoon is just kind of like Hulk Hogan's the pipe, and then beats the shit out of him.

That way we would be awesome If she's like waiting to sort of hear it from the crowd And then all these like dogs and goat people Start cheering her on like they all turn on Eddie Redmond Like fuck it do it we hate this Oh even a dragon oh yeah the dragons definitely start doing It's like the final hours of a cult They all sort of turn on the leader

Like yeah kill him Yeah totally and then like this platform falls apart And he just like falls into the abyss Yeah you don't fire I need to see a scary skeleton at the end to this. Like, I need to see him burn up. And then, like, still coming after, like, little charred skeleton, because he had too much, like, life juice that morning. Oh, I like that idea.

So he could walk around, like, an argonaut. Exactly. And he, like, fuels it the entire time. So it's like, oh, that hurts. Oh, it hurts to live. Or he's just like, wow, my voice is regular now. I'm a skeleton. I kind of want him to have a quince death, like one of the dragon people, gets him by the legs and just slowly eats him. Oh, yeah. I like that idea. I want that one. How do they not have, like, the secret weapon, which is, like, a huge dragon? Oh, nice. Like, a real, like, bruiser dragon?

That would be awesome. Like, unleash that dude, and that guy does it, right? The Quint dead. Well, because you know he's treating him like shit. Oh, sure. We've had it. We see that. They've had it up to here.

So he's dead. Yeah. And then they kind of just go home. They drop everyone off. Everyone in her family gets blanked. There's a moment in this movie where Chan Tatum is, like, moving around her unconsciously. Conscious relatives? Yeah.

He's like moving on my furniture. This is like in the climax of the movie. He's just like, all right, I've got to float this body over. He's like packing them into a van. Got to put grandma up here. Oh, they tie grandma out of the roof

that she dies on the way back and then they drop her off and where it was like Santa Fe. They just leave her outside someone's house. It's a spaceship with all those like curtains you put up to not ding anything with people basically. Yeah, yeah, you know. And like that's what's obnoxious about.

movies there's no like real great finale it's like we pack a family in a in a bus yeah and someone falls down a thing and that's kind of it at the end they buy her a fucking telescope congratulations movie all this she finally got that telescope she's been to space who cares you know you're kind of right like i'd be like oh yeah thanks for the telescope by the way i'm leaving forever yeah and she's got like rocket boots she could go to space whenever she wants yes she's still cleaning toilets at the end of this movie and she's like thrilled about it but she's secretly queen of the earth you know when she gets drunk that's that's

coming out right I'm fucking queen of the earth you don't tell me what to do I tell you what to do that's what happens when they try to cut her off yeah exactly you can't keep me out of this club I'm queen of the earth if you're queen of the earth why are you cleaning toilets

I'm good at it because I choose to best toilets ever and they're having like this great family meal or something. It's like you hate all of these people. Rightfully

so. Rightfully so. And then they meet at the end he gives her rocket boots which is nice. Well they go on a date and she announces this to the family just like oh I'd love to stick around tonight and use this telescope but I have a date and they're like oh finally with my dog

boyfriend. Oh okay and yeah it ends with her just like kind of flying around Chicago and he's got these wings. He's got his wings back. That's stupid. Are those real wings or what?

Oh, did they cut it off some bird person? Oh, no. Take this from somebody else? Yeah. He's like a Frankenstein now. Oh, that's pretty cool. Too bad we'll never see anything from this franchise again. Are we sure did this movie make money or no?

No, tanked horrible. Oh, really? But Sean Bean doesn't get like his bee wings back or anything like that. He also makes it through this movie, which is a bit of a problem. Yeah. They're now doing that shit because we expect him to

do that. That sucks though. He could add a great... If the bees turned on him somehow and killed him. Or he got his head stuck on the floor. One of the other. No, it's a stinger scene which is after the credits and he gets decapitated. Yes. Yes. Yes. God damn, that's great.

Yeah. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. So, Would anybody recommend this movie? It's kind of fun, stupidly, right? It's like two and a half hours, but it's okay. It's a good hangover movie. It's a highover movie. Yeah, oh yeah, it's a highover movie for sure.

Boy, I disagree with all of you. This movie is horrible. Well, it's horrible. I would never watch it again, even if I was on over. That's asking for death. T&T could stretch this out to five hours clean, though. I'm not seeing the end of it, that's for sure. So we're just about out of time.

So we want to thank all you guys for coming out. You guys have been great. Thank you to Union Hall, of course, for having it. We got some posters in the back, y'all, from Chris Walton out in Seattle. So pick those up, should you choose. We want to just close with one little thing. Good of writing about this movie. Is that from the IMDB Tribune?

It's from the IMDB Tribune. Hot off the presses. Okay. Because it turns out some people really liked this movie. So, the subject line, what the hell is wrong

with all these keyboard cowboys slash girls? Sets the tone. Yeah. If you're curious, 10 stars out of 10. Flawless, huh? Just totally not even a problem with it.

100% perfect. And then The Godfather, too. Yep, yep. That was a 9.5. I watch movies to be entertained. Escape reality. And see how far CGI has progressed. Oh, he's just coming and check back in?

That's pretty good. Oh, those Ninja Turtles do look better. Okay, good. To the Internet. That being said, I've seen this film, and I like it. I love pretty much anything that Whatchowski brothers do. Not keeping up with their personal lives, though, apparently. Yeah, not a super fan, really.

Well, he's just checking it. She's just checking in, yeah. The Matrix Chilogy, V for Vendetta, and now Jupiter ascending. Is storyline and plot important? Of course. But we have lost sight of the fact that we go to see movies to be entertainment. Is this a society gone mad, no? Like, we've lost sight of what movies are supposed to be.

This guy... Dog people! He just can't even fucking believe it. He just can't even believe it. Uh-huh. I was entertained. That's the goal of any entertainment medium, right? Right.

Well, right, everybody? Let's hear it. Who's writing him back? Like, he's going to answer this guy. We are. Instead of saying something like, I gorged myself on a tub of fattening popcorn and candies while I watched this effects extravaganza.

I read stuff like, oh, the plot was bad. It would have been better if they did this, et cetera, et cetera. Eddie Redmayne's terrible. Dot, dot, dot, dot. Notice how he's not even talking about this movie at all. No, it's just, it's fun. It's fun. It's entertainment.

I was entertained by lights. I got to see... There were lights on a screen, and I laughed. Don't you like dogs? Listen, there was a ball kick. Chad stars. If it would have been so much better, then why didn't they ask you to write and direct

since you're so well-versed in the subject matter? It's time to let movies be what they are. All capital letters, entertainment. Pure and simple. Have capital letters fun. when you go see it. Or keep your $10 and shut up! This guy sucks.

I mean, if you're such a good critic... Now, prick up your ears. This is slamming you heart. Okay, I got it. I mean, if you're such a good critic, why aren't you getting paid to do it instead of whining on the internet? It's really a great question.

I should have tried to put in my dog man script with the dragons fucking pot calling the kettle black about whining on the internet by the way whining on the internet just saying man I hate that that's the worst part of it is

just saying I will continue to watch all kinds of movies no matter what anyone's opinion is rebel because I like to be Capital letters. Entertained. Yeah, right?

Right? Now, this is what got me good. Trump, 2016? Is it Trump 2016? That's the second best thing this dude could have ended up. You ready? Can't wait until Batfleck

totally blows your minds, too. Thanks a lot for coming out, everybody. We hate movies. Good night. Yay! Thank you.