We Hate Movies - S6 Ep263: Episode 263 - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (Live)

Episode Date: August 30, 2016

Recorded live in Rochester, July 16th, 2016 On this episode, the gang treks out to the Little Theatre to chat about the completely worthless sequel, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III! How could they cut the budget for these turtle puppets? How was no one concerned about the space/time continuum? And are we still talking about turtle genitalia in these movies? PLUS: An audience member gets publicly humiliated close to their birthday! Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III stars Paige Turco, Elias Koteas, Stuart Wilson, Vivian Wu, Sab Shimono, and Corey Feldman; directed by Stuart Gillard.Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Thank you. Rochester. How are we doing, everybody? Hey, everybody. Yeah. That's what I like to hear. My name is Andrew Jupin. Stephen Zedak. Eric Sisko.

And Chris Cabin. Yeah. He's alive. Yes. We are We Hate Movies from New York City. Quick show. of yelling at us. How many people are familiar with the little

show we run on the internet? Who's here for air conditioning? Also woo's around. Yeah, deafening woos. Cool. So how many of you guys I'm not going to single out these people but if you don't know who we are and why

you're here, if you were sort of walking by and you're like well, that sounds cool. We're an online cult. Recruiting for the summer solstice. We believe that God is a crocodile. There will be punch later. No, we are a comedy podcast that takes a bad movie like Ninja Turtles 3.

And sort of makes fun of it in a very casual and, you know, usually profane way. Sure. So fair warning for folks who were unfamiliar with this, you know, it might get a little blue. We're going to be going to lose around for getting a little blue. That's code for turtle genitalia is going to be discussed. Oh, it's got to be discussed. It's got to be discussed. We will get to that.

I like that we're teasing it. No, no, no, no, we'll get there, no worry. Just dangle it in front of them. Oh, that's a terrible thing. No, no, stop that. It's a stick with teasing. Wait, that's no tail. God.

I just want to hear a door slam. Like, yeah, that guy left. Be good money for what? So before we get going tonight, we got an email. Late one night a few days ago, it had like the little red exclamation mark that was like, read it now, someone's dying, and someone with a request. So we don't normally do this, but we thought in this instance, man, this will be embarrassing. So what the hell?

So this comes from someone named Tara So if you know someone named Tara Prick up your ears Door slam Terra did what Hey guys, I have a favor And I don't even know if I can ask a favor of people I don't know But I figured it was worth a shot

Sure, oh he's worth a shot Doesn't hurt to ask My man friend Tim Yeah yeah well they explain I hate the term boyfriend because I'm 30 and it's childish. Sure. Tim is a huge fan of yours.

I'm pretty sure he has listened to every episode and got super stoked when he found out you were coming to Rochester so he bought tickets. I'm not your boyfriend. I'm your man friend.

That's just saying it's more intimidating a little bit, right? Not coming out of your mouth. But that's how you keep them. Yeah, okay. Keep them around. That boyfriend shit is over. I'm your man friend.

I don't know. I want to hang out with your version of Tim. Anyway, Tim's birthday is next week And I accidentally Booked a trip to Turks and Caicos without him Yeah, I accidentally book Expensive ass vacations all the time

Manfriend, accidental vacation without Yeah, we're putting these pieces together And I fly out on his birthday I even looked at my calendar And saw the date and it didn't click I could go on and on about my excuse for this epic fail but truth be told I was just a selfish asshole

and there was no coming back from that so he is going to be celebrating his birthday solo this year but hey isn't that what turning 31 should be okey dokey I kid oh I should have read that part more quickly

let that hang just dangle it in front of them more dangling it in front of them sorry my hopes were that if your Rochester show on Saturday, at your Rochester show on Saturday, you could do a birthday shout out to Tim. I know I still need to do more than that

for completely forgetting his birthday and booking that expensive vacation without him. But I think it's a good start, and he would be so effing happy. Plus, I think this is way better than his name on the Jumbotron at an amateur league baseball game. I guess so.

It's a birthday shout-out from his favorite podcat hook. cast hosts. Oh, that's nice. Does it get any nerdier than that? Nope. I hope you didn't delete this email before getting to my request, and I hope you will consider helping out a total fucking stranger. Girlfriend of the year, Tara.

Well, Tim, happy birthday. Happy birthday. Is Tim here, by the way? Where's Tim? Tim. Yeah. Tim, come on up here, Tim. Come on up here. I was convinced this was an online hoax. Did you think we were getting catfish? I thought we were getting catfish.

pod fished Signed Slender Man XXXM everybody Tim All right Happy birthday Tim

There you go Tim And happy birthday No no You should throw it out There's a garbage can In the back by the lobby Very good

Tim everybody And we should say That was a priceless VHS copy of tonight's topic of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3 from a Wegmans. From a Wegmans. Yeah. So there you go.

You guys love Wegmans. So thank you for coming out. That's it. Good night. So Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3 from the grand year of 1993, directed and written by Stuart Gillard. How many people have seen this movie before? How many people saw this movie just in preparation for this show

and not more recently. Yeah, that's the way you wanted to go. It's unfortunately on Netflix right now, so you kind of had no excuse. It's the only turtle property that's on Netflix right now. It has an alternate title. Turtles in Time?

Yeah, colon, turtles and time. That's not what it's called. No, it's just Ninja Turtles 3. It's a big fat three. Three, colon, who could care? Colon who asked for this? Colon, who put this together? Turtles in time.

Yeah. So, for those of you who made... be missed out on this gem of a picture, either you know, in 1993 or in preparation. In any of the intervening years? Any of those years that you had a chance to watch us. This is the movie where

our four teenage mutant ninja turtles travel back to feudal Japan for some reason. I don't understand. How did we run out of ideas for four fun, loving turtles to get into, right? You didn't. Where's the Iraq King? I just want to... Thank you. Thank you. It's a rocking movie. Crang is right there.

There's all sorts of different... Right? It's great. It was right there. It was right in front of their face. You get, like, David Cronenberg's team together, you know? Oh, yeah. It's a really gross wet crang. It would be really wet. A lot of, like, suckling noises.

It looks like it's always about to pop. And any second crank could explode all over you. I'm going to explode. Or we can go in a different direction. What if there's a new aggressive strain of H on the streets, right? You know, and, like, the turtles need to stop it. Mikey gets addicted, maybe. Oh, my God, I'm sleeping, but I'm scared to sleep because I might not wake up.

He is the party turtle. He is the party dude, as the theme song from the cartoon tells us. The panic in Turtle Park. Here's to feeling good all the time, bros. Mikey, wake up. We got to... Mikey? Oh, no!

That would be a nice, like, call back to the first one when Raphael's in the bathtub. Now we got Mikey in the bathtub. But he's just long dead. They're just keeping it on ice so it doesn't smell. Yeah. Don't want to stink up that farmhouse anymore. So we start. Well, then you can time travel.

Oh, that's what it is. We've got to go back in time before you ODs on that sweet Mexican brown. Ralph! It's about Mikey! He's dead! Yes, that's way better. Or, I mean, it doesn't have to be drugs, but like a turtle could get killed, right? Or Splinter gets killed, because who could possibly care?

Splinter just hit by a truck. I pay money to see that movie. We got to go back in time and pull them back on that curb. My question is like, is this the stupidest reason ever to go back in time? Oh, yeah. Is it dumber than Back to the Future, too, because your kids turn out to be not so great? Yeah, I mean, you know, a lot of people hate their kids. Yeah, it's just like, um...

Your kids are underachieving, Marty, you have to go in a time machine. Like, I don't know. Like, give them better goals. Yeah, like, thanks for the heads up. Uh-huh. I'll work better from here. and make sure I straighten it out in 30 years. I think it's one of those situations where Doc Brown kept on going back

and further back because they didn't give a shit up until there were teenagers. Like, oh, we have kids? That's how you got to the Old West. So we start this movie with something that is really confusing for me, and I don't know if you guys noticed this. Ninja Turtle Dancing. These four guys are just dancing all over this subway hanging. out that they have. I mean, it's kind of

they're like, they're shut-ins, right? They have nothing else to do. They're the only of their species. Sex is out of the question. Let's get dancing. Like, what else are you going to do? They're the wolf pack. Oh, wow, you took the words right out of my mouth. They're the poor Wolfpack kids. Anybody see that sad documentary? One person? Cool. Check it out. That's a sad family.

And the waves of applause were deafening for that obscure documentary. I don't know. Like, I guess I'm just of the mind that, you know, I'm okay with my Ninja Turtles having fun. Sure. You're crime fighters. Let's get serious for a second. All this choreographed puppet dancing.

I don't need it. They don't fight any crime at all in this, do they? Well, feudal Japanese crime. Right. Kind of. No, but they're fighting like a legitimate head of stage. Yeah, that's true. Oh, yeah.

Are you saying this is way more of a political thriller than I thought it was? Yes, yes, yes. The turtles go back in time to arm the rebels. I don't know what they're doing. should stay out of it. They should keep their turtle beaks right out of it. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3. Stay out of it. That's the problem, though. Nobody acknowledges the fact that they are totally fuzzling with

the space time continually in this movie. All of these kids and villagers, they were meant to burn, man. That's the way it happened. Don't mess with that. Like, you know, then what happens? Nintendo doesn't get invented? That's right. Or maybe the Nazis win the war? We get a turtle in the high castle? Oh, shit, that's terrifying. Any single time travel scenario, the Nazis eventually win. Any time you fucking, that's the thing, you go back to, you go to the future because your kids are losers. Oops, the Nazis won the war.

In the future, you could do that somewhere? Oh, yikes. Any ripples in time. Hitler was that close. We really dodged a bullet then. Some day, it can ripple back. Oh, because as Matthew McConaughey taught us, time is a flat circle. That's right.

Or whatever he was gibbering on it. about on that show. Time is a bookcase? No, that's the other time travel talking about true detective. Oh, right. That's where he's just wasted and he's just talking to you about nothing. Just rambling endlessly. So yeah, the turtles are dancing. They're having a really great time.

It's like, this is what you know right away. We have to get into this because it's kind of like the most distracting part of this movie. So this movie came around. They were like, you know, probably a great idea is to slash the budget of this film tremendously. Turtle Mania had run its course. Oh, yeah, that was on fumes, huh? We were doing, like, those lame concerts that they had.

Oh, man. Find all that stupid shit on YouTube. So it's like, what's the first thing to go? Well, you know, these main characters of ours, they should look as shitty as humanly possible. Fire Jim Henson. This is what they decided to do. They fired them, they got new puppets.

But don't you own those costumes outright? Like, did those burn up in a warehouse fire? What happened? No, Henson doesn't sell any of that stuff, man. That was in-house puppeteering. Are you kidding me? So he'd rather it go to waste than be in your silly movie. Is that the idea?

Maybe he read the script, and he was like, nope. Nope. Jim says nope. Actually, this was 92. Is he dead already? He's got to be dead. That's a bummer. A hero of so many childhoods was dead at this point.

This is what's great about doing it live. We can ask you who's dead. Yeah. I don't have to bother hearing about it on the internet two days later but so what these turtles look like instead and like let's not get nuts like they were never amazing looking

what are you talking about I think you can sort of see like the decrease in you know sequel after sequel because finally that fourth movie they were like fuck it it's got to be a cartoon we can't do this anymore well they were smart in the first one they didn't turn the lights on they're like yeah

oh it's dark and gritty it's like don't don't put a light on that turtle Don't make excuses for that poorly lit film. Well, I do think it was like, can we get worse than Tokon Razar? Yeah, let's do it. Yeah. Let's do it. No, so these puppets, I mean, they totally shit the bed on these things.

It looks like the prop department robbed like a closed chucky cheese in the middle of the night and stole that shitty animatronic jam band out of the dining room. All shred, all splinter is is just like a shaved bear from one of those things. Dude, that is a waste-up. puppet if I have ever seen one. He looks like he should be taking my order at the at the Rainforest Cafe. And you can tell they, like, loop the footage.

Like, you can only go like this. And he just keeps doing it. It's like, he's sitting in, like, a window of this subway car. Like, he's a fortune teller. And he used to be, in the first two, he was done by embattled puppeteer, Kevin Clash. But they cut it out, and now he's done by Joe from the prop department, I guess.

Like, in between smoke breaks? Dude, it was a coin flip as to who is voicing this shitty rat. Frank, the intern took care of that way. Oh, good, thank God. Oh, boy, my big break on Ninja Turtles 3. So they look terrible, is what we're saying. They have, like, they all look like the turtles anyway.

They look like they had Jokerfish. Like, they have these terrifying grimaces the entire movie. Oh, the teeth. The teeth! My God, the teeth! They're just like this. The Haltire is just like, and they're like, the whitest teeth you've seen.

seen the biggest teeth you've seen it's disgusting man show me a turtle with teeth like this are they using human toothpaste do you think well as opposed to what turtle tooth paste yeah I don't know mud raw sewage oh brushing with raw sewage huh that might be

that's a kid and pearly no I feel it's got to be human toothpaste okay turtle gate what are we thinking Colgate or well that's what I said turtle gate oh no that's not you wouldn't you're a human it's about ethics and turtle journalism

The turtles were caught Breaking into Shredder's campaign headquarters Or blogging Oh no, we're totally going down for this Man, these like scumbagged drug dealer laughs that they have They really do Like you know, like, and you know You guys will know what I'm talking about

When your drug dealer is trying to be friendly with you And it's a lot of like, hey man, do you want to stick around and just try some of this? You know, I got the new Game of Thrones season on Blu-ray. Oh, Calisi, right? And you just want to go home as quickly as possible? You also seem like he's selling you a bad bag. He's like, oh, right, man, enjoy that.

Yikes. Oh, wait, you're still here? Yeah, because they're just chuckling this whole time. So April is going on vacation because she needs to, right? I feel it's a thing where it's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm going. going on vacation. She's broken the lease. You know, she's sold all her possessions.

She's not telling the turtles where she's going on vacation, by the way. She's like going to L.A. and never coming back? Never coming back, man. That's a good move. Going the wrong way on a one-way track. Because how could you have an adult relationship if you hang out with four Ninja Turtles all the time? The closest, like, adult friend do you have is that semi-homeless Casey Jones. Who, at the end of that first movie, by the way, they're making out pretty hard.

They are. Then he's not in that second one, though, so I don't know what happened. Things fell apart. He wanted to move in really quickly, what with the homelessness? She's like, oh, let's stay at your place. Let's not. Oh, wait, you got some turtles in there? That's fine.

Yeah, more than merrier. Is this couch open? The shelter I'm at doesn't allow women. Yeah, okay, let's break up. She has some line, by the way, because she comes in and she's, like, been shopping for them at a flea market and she's like I'm going on vacation. She says here are the keys to my apartment. You're letting

the turtle's house in? Are you kidding me? Everything's covered in sewage then, right? Oh yeah. Just the pizza boxes everywhere. They'll just think about how a turtle's bathing, right? They're not getting the back of the shell. No, no, no. It's getting gross. They must have to smell like shit, right?

They have to smell like shit, right? That's got to be a thing. They live in a sewer. That's where shit goes. Yes, they smell. The apartment has to smell. and, like, the smell has to, like, turn you inside out, like, that Simpson's sketch. Oh, yeah. Oh, here comes that gas that turns everybody inside out. So, yeah, and she buys Splinter a really expensive artifact.

I don't know what... She's trying to, like, buy his favor for something. A year's salary, at least, for this thing. It's insane. She's like, oh, Michelangelo, here's a lampshade. Oh, Donatello, here's a shitty computer. Nobody's wanted since the late 80s. Splinter, here's this priceless artifact.

And she's like, I don't know, it looks like some sort of Japanese, something or other. I'll give it to the rat. Man, splinter on Antiques Road Show with this thing. Oh, dude, and he finds out it's totally worthless? Those are the best moments on that show. The heartbreak in those desperate people's faces. Well, I got it from my human companion. Yes, well, she ripped you off.

It definitely has a lot of sentimental value, though. You ever see any of those rubs, have their heart broken on that? Oh, yeah. Oh, Lord. Anybody been conned on the Antiques Road Show themselves? You ever see one of those best ofs? And then they're updating it. And it's like, boop, it went down in price.

Yeah. It's not even worse for them. Or it's like, let's check in with this person who, you know, this antique vase was actually a phony. And it's like, oh, he burned his house down and killed his family. He was really counting on this vase to be worth a million dollars. And then life insurance kicked in. Yeah, you spending that vase before he had it, you think? Now it's his urn.

So she's like, oh, cool. There's this awesome little lanterny thing. We're calling it a scepter, sure. We're calling it a scepter, but it's a goddamn lantern. Let's use words properly, please. And by holding it, she gets transported back into feudal Japan, 1609, I believe. 1605. I'm sorry, I was way off.

Because some guy in Japan touched it at, at the... the same time? At the same time. That's the thing, dude, time works. Time's a flat circle. I guess so. Everybody's doing everything at the same time. Time's a flat piece of horseshit, I guess.

Because that doesn't make any sense. No, it doesn't. But, you know, this is what we're working with. And Donatello surmises that it's a magic lantern and uses computers to derive the magic. And we should mention at this point, this is Corey Feldman's triumph, return to the franchise. Yeah. And to hear this man say this scientific. mumbo-jumbo. Talking about

a bad string of H, by the way. That's why he came back. Oh, totally, dude. Get that turtle off his back. And it's just like, oh, yeah, look at the flanger levels on this thing. And he's just like science talking. But what he says is the reason

she was, and a guy who's the emperor's son or the daimo son gets transported back in her place and the old... In her clothing. Yeah, the old switcher And it fits perfectly. Yeah, he's looking great in those mom jeans she's got.

Equal mass displacement. So the turtles are going to go back in time and like, I don't know, they must weigh like 250 pounds each. Oh, a big mutant turtle like that, of course. And they're teenagers, man. They're growing like every second? Yeah. And they're jacked.

They're all jacked. Yeah, jacked. They're juicing those turtles. Who knows what's going on in that shell? It's got to be very heavy. Yeah. So you would think like bigger dudes than these. Small Japanese men that replaced them

Would, you know, appear. That'd be fun for a sumo show up? That's a funny game. Oh, yeah. It's just like four sumos hanging out with Splinter and Casey Jones for the 95 minutes of this movie. I think this is the only time we've had time travel dependent on weight. I think so.

Yeah. Well, what about Star Trek 4, though? Scotty was pretty big, by then. Oh, is that why they were going out for the whales? Yeah, I think so. No, it's because they were extinct or some shit. I don't remember. I just want to see Scottie in that tank now.

Going for a swim captain. Oh, how was the show? Who's good? They were body-shaming James Duhan? For some reason? He was pre-mated years ago. He doesn't weigh a thing anymore. They shot him up into space.

He's weightless. No, he's sharing a vase somewhere. You think they're just putting them all in the same vase when one of them dies after the other? The Forest Kelly's in there? They just put Nimoy in? Think about how priceless that would be. Oh, yeah, you get that on... Get that on Antiques Roadshow, man.

These aren't the ashes of the Star Trek cast. Just a bunch of burned fire pieces from a... Shatner's definitely not going in, though. He refuses. I get my own earn. Oh, it doesn't have Shatner. That's not quite desirable. No, I would desire it without Shatner.

Yeah, right? Like, oh, it's Shatner free? Oh, yeah. $10,000, sure. What a morbid gift. So a weird thing that. The four of them go back in time. The guy who comes back, his name is Kenchi, I believe.

Sure. And he's like, oh, you know, there's this big crazy war. There's going to be these priests that are going to hold it. And, oops, it turns out to be the Daimus Honor Guard. Yeah, they're just like a bunch of rough and tumble security guards, I think we can call them. They were holding this magical lantern for, question mark. Yeah. Turns out it makes no sense.

It was on the floor. No, they're in the middle of a battle. And everyone just gets transported on horses Because I always wanted to see a ninja turtle Ride a fucking horse No, I didn't You didn't? No, I didn't

Oh, all right I thought it was kind of cool Why aren't we fighting robots? That's a great question Wait, in feudal Japan? Well, no, just any time Send them forward to Terminator Tutah Yes

Oh yeah Get Arnold on board, you think? Sure, he's kind of like a ninja turtle In what ways? He's got weird dimension Yeah, that's true. Talks funny. Juiced, yep, all the above.

Oh, no, it'd be cool if they did travel back in time and they're in that weird Terminator sphere and their ass is hanging out. Oh, yeah, just like turtle ass? Totally. Oh, like the shell doesn't come with? Oh, dude, yeah, the shell's staying put. I think a turtle, like, dies if it comes out of his shell, though.

Maybe not a ninja turtle. What with the mutation? Yeah, probably. The rampant mutation. So they're on horses. Michelangelo goes one way, everybody else goes another. Yeah, well, he is riding the horse backwards for some reason, which is just endless comedy.

And he immediately blurts out that this is just like Shogun. Yeah, you guys remember Shogun that late 80s TV miniseries? The pop culture references in this movie are useless. I'll tell you, watch it, man. Those new movies ruined my childhood because Mind Turtles make offhanded references to 1980s minis series. That's right. Right, that's right. These new turtles don't do that at all.

And commercials from 1991. I mean, we're talking about like, I'm a turtle and I can't get up. That's one. I just want to leave. I don't want people to look at me when you say that joke. Why didn't, I'm quoting the film in where a turtle says that because it's hilarious. There isn't, I'll be back, by the way. Raphael utters, I'll be back in a shit of Arnold Depression.

Yeah, the worst ADR you ever see. The puppet's mouth is. totally just locked clothes. And he's like about to jump in a hole and it's like, I'll be back. I just like the idea of someone being like, this movie's terrible. What if one of the turtles said, I'll be back once?

This movie's great. Like, that didn't fix anything. I mean, we were just a year, you know, removed from Judgment Day, man. So that shit was hot. Everybody was saying I'll be Bach. Sure. Even Ninja turtles.

I'm sure the Looney Tunes played around with it a bit. Maybe. tunes, you know, animaniacs probably. Oh, yeah, they loved it, sure. The point is a Ninja Turtle shouldn't be saying it. Because here's the thing, when's a Ninja Turtle having time to go to the movies?

Well, it's on basic cable at that point. You're living in a sewer. You're catching up on all sorts of movies. In the cartoon, they would always put on those trench coats and go to the 42nd Street Theater. Yeah, but, dude, those movies aren't playing at those 42nd Street theater. Yeah, think about what they're seeing.

You have sex pictures. Ninja Turtle taxi driver, you think? Oh, yeah. See that turtle up there with my wife? Michelangelo takes April to like a Swedish porn out. She's like, I don't want to see this, Michelangelo, okay? I thought it was an art movie. Raphael wants to murder a guy that's going to be the president, maybe.

And Albert Brooks is still in this movie. Oh, nice. I like that. Albert Brooks kind of looks like a Ninja Turtle. Yeah, he does. A little bit. Older he gets for... Calabunga. It's an Albert Brooks impression.

It was okay. Yeah, it's just fun. I give that Albert Brooks impression four and a half out of six shells. So, yeah, they decide to... They find April pretty quickly in some sort of dungeon. So basically...

Oh, by the way, the Daimaux is dealing with this British guy. Yeah, this dude, Walker. Yeah. Not to be confused with Walker, Texas Ranger. Or the Alex Cox movie. Or the Alex Cox movies. starring Ed Harris.

Both better things than this movie. He's kind of just like, what you're going to call it, from Jurassic Park Setback Time? He's got the... Oh, he's Muldoon. He's Muldoon back in time, right? He's got the Lord Funtleroy thing going on? Yeah, he looks pretty stupid.

I mean, they're... They're supposed to be like, what, pirates? They're like a gang of pirates, maybe. Gun pirates? I don't know. Gun pirates? No, Chris, what is a gun pirate? A gun pirate, Andrew, is a pirate that has guns.

So a pirate. Home run. In his defense, there are plenty of sword pirates. They've seen the sword pirates. Also true. They're also staff pirates. So these pirates, led by this one dude, Walker, right? He's trying to, like, sell this ruler on guns and cannons.

And he's like, you know, these swords are so old, man. It's 1605, baby. Get with the gun love. And the guy's like, I don't know about this. And he's like, you watch one day. a gang of mutated turtles are going to storm this village and your swords aren't going to be able to stop them

you're going to wish you had a cannon then and then you know boy is his face red here come the turtles and then one day you won't be able to do this blam town so yeah like basically like April's got a walk man that's a little bit of fun fish out of water stuff oh sure they're frightened by it they think she's a witch

yeah of course which they should move right away to burning her at the stake sure quickly just to be sure. Like, if my son, you know, you'd do that thing, you know, they witness the old switcheroo, and then she's got this box with people singing out of it. It's actually Gloria Stephan, right?

It's the, uh, do that tango? Let's do that tanga. But it's like the remix. Oh, even worse. Yeah, someone's rapping over it. Which, you know, okay. The Mario Boys or something like that? The Rio Boys, yeah, yeah. You guys remember that tune? Nope, let's move on. Neither did we. We had to stay through the credits.

So she gets put in a cage and, Yeah, like you would. There's a dungeon. There's an outright dungeon. There's a bunch of extras that are, like, totally hung to the wall and stuff. It's like a Mortal Kombat level. Yes, it's like the set of a Mortal Kombat scene. The turtles don't save any of these guys.

It's April, and they're out of there when the time comes. They can't mess with the time continuum. I assure you, they are not concerned about the space time continuum. You know what this movie needs is a couple of time cops. Oh, nice. Right? J.CVD comes in, shoots those four turtles in the head before they can do anything. Oh, no, it's time-driving turtles.

Again. I would just love that. He's somehow already dealt with them for some reason. Well, time is a flat circle, man. He's always dealing with those turtles. I feel like I have always been here, turtles. And so on and so forth. That would be a great karate fight, though, right?

Oh, J-C-V-D versus turtles? Absolutely. Yeah, and he could do like four-on-one with those turtles. Yeah, kicking those rubberheads in. Ripping those puppet faces off. Well, that's why you can't have him there because those things would just fall right the fuck off. So Elias Codius comes back for this movie, right?

Which everybody was excited for. The studio audience in the movie goes, whew! And he's Eddie Murphying two roles? Yeah, oh, he totally is. That's right, because he's playing, like, a descendant of Casey Jones, big, fat question mark. Big who cares?

Also big who cares. Yeah, that's true. Japan Jones. would you not mean Casey Jones before hockey exists is a Casey Jones I don't want to meet I don't want to know it

No I really don't want to know it If he doesn't have a mask right there Ready to go I don't want to know him Well also he's doing this accent Which I don't know about you guys But it's like Unearthly

Oh really? I loved it Did you? Yeah Tickled you in all the right ways I mean he's so can't do it though But this other character That he's playing this guy wit I think it is right

He can only say like four words at a time before the like the whole accent just derailed and he just stops talking well he jumps he jumps around it goes from Australian British to Polish at some point yeah no there's a little bit of Polish

he's a world traveler oh yeah that makes sense he's been with the gun pirates he's been fucking gun pirates man he's been out acted by fucking ninja turtles man whoof yeah

these are Digit turtles that are, like, these puppets will go on fire at any minute because the animatronics are so bad. That's what I want, by the way, like a DVD extra where it's like, well, it was raining on set today, and the camera just like pans over, and it's all these melted turtle skulls and sparks are shooting out of their eye sockets. Oh, and that's the one day the director's son came to visit. And it's just a kid crying. Yep. All of this will be yours. Yeah, you'll inherit those teenage mutant Ninja Turtles

Three Empire They made toys out of this I had them all I had all of them So yeah They wind up going on the road They landed a pile of shit That we're not saying this shit

Just say it's shit Yeah They're like ew mud Oh look at this mud And they clear it up by the way Because later the guy who runs It's just like throwing slop down there Yeah they try to cover it up

But you know what's going I mean they're taking this mud out of their mouths Yeah Yeah, no, it's gross When you watch it as an adult It's disgusting They're picking it out of their teeth

They are, they're big fucking honking teeth Why with the teeth? I mean, look, I understand the turtles Any turtles don't have teeth, right? That's a fact, a biological fact We can all here agree at this council I don't know, Jack Hanna

Does it anyone have a turtle in the audience? It was B-Y-O-T, by the way. I don't know if anybody got the tweet about that. But what did they, I mean, I guess obviously to eat Italian pizza, but like, whatever. You can gum some pizza, man. In that first movie, they're eating

nothing but dominoes. In that second movie, nothing but dominoes. You can gum some dominoes, dude. No pizza in this movie. Not a lick of pizza. What are we doing? Yeah, Boo is right. You want to get upset about Lady Ghostbusters. Ninja Turtles without pizza's

unfucking natural. What are we even? Like, how do you mess that up? Like, they're watching the movie. Like, oh, no. You know what we forgot. No one's chowing down on pizza. There's a moment where Michelangelo is trying to make a pizza and it doesn't work.

In feudal Japan. Yeah. It was futile. Now I'm just imagining like, craft service had all these pizzas and this guy's like, oh, it's lunch for the teamsters. And they eat it. It's like, no, that was for the shoot. Oh, no. There's no money left in the budget for journal pizza.

We had $120 for pizza. Wow, $120 for pizza. In 1992, you could buy a thousand pizzas. Especially if it was Domino's. Yeah, absolutely. Dude, Domino sells you three large pieces for $599, 2016 currency. Can you imagine the pizzas with that budget? How do you mess that up?

You idiots. Fucking zero pizza. By the way, not one turtle on. There's Calabunga in this movie. They leave that to the soon-to-set-on-fire splinter puppet. Do we get a turtle power? No, we don't. Oh, man.

We do kind of get a mumbled, boy I love being a turtle at the end. Yeah, because, yeah, it's mumbled is right. Boy, I love being a turtle for the third time. Hey, we are again. How old do you have to get? I guess it's like right when they get out of teenage hood when you kill yourself as a turtle. Oh, yeah. I don't know about it.

You know, maybe it's fun to dance around. around, you know, but how long do you want to live this life? Dude, turtles can live for like a hundred years. Yeah, but do you want to be a hundred-year-old mutant turtle living in the sewer? No, you don't, dude. Maybe they're just waiting for society to accept them. Oh, yeah, that could be. Have you got a hundred years just kind of, you just kind of wait it out?

You're like, check it Twitter, you're like, no, still no. How do you check Twitter for that? Does society still hate? Mutated Monsters. I think you upload a picture to Hot or Not.com. That's the way to do it. Dude, are we as a society

still using Hot or Not in 2016? Anybody on Hot or Not? Ask the audience. Everyone. Oh, that gentleman was stretching back there. I thought for a second that someone was on Hot or Not. No one's going to admit to that. Yeah, I guess what am I talking about? No one's going to raise their area.

Tim? I'm kidding. He's just browsing. He's not on it. He's raiding the turtles. We're going to make you feel like shit but give you a $1 VHS. Good deal, right? Yeah, so they're like whatever farting around.

They find Michelangelo. They run into basically the rebel class led by this lady whose name I don't know. I don't know, but she's the woman from the pillow book. Anybody's seen that film? Oh, that's a steamy picture. It's the exact opposite of Ninja Turtles 3 It's her and Obi-Wan Kenobi Yeah, you and McGregor

Oh, they're nude like 96% of this movie Painting on each other Wait, a movie where Ewan McGregor shows his penis I won't hear of it Yeah, no Don't tell me it didn't happen I rented it, it happened How many times did you rent it?

Once, it was a rent-to-buy-buy- Okay, gotcha, got you. You go back You're like, I really want this one They're like, all right, 20 bucks. It's two weeks late now. Yeah, no, there was some late fees on my pillow book, VA Jones. Two weeks with the pillow book. This might not be the time of the place for this,

but I remember when Time Cop came out. Yep. What did you say? By the way, it turns out it's not the time of the place for this, but continue. I went to Blockbuster to buy Time Cop. Yeah. And the guy told me it was $100.

Was he just trying to get rid of it? me? No, that was like that. Get out of your fat kid. It's a hundred bucks. Yeah, I'll sell it to you for a hundred bucks, stupid. Did you pony up?

No, of course not. Well, I don't know. You really like Time Talk. I got to have it every day. There's that period where it's like, it's still exclusive to the video stills and that's why it's $100.

Yeah, I mean, that's a whole different America, man. That's a dead time. You're all too young to remember those days. I don't know about that. So the village is on fire because Smoking. Walker is burning everyone alive.

And I think that this is the genocide that like has to happen probably for history. That's what I'm saying. These people need to die. Okay. And the turtles are saving everybody and just messing with time. I don't like it.

Not one bit. We should see what's happening like in present day because of their shenanigans. People just like vanishing off the street. The Empire State Building just disappears, comes back. It comes back. There's like a big dome on top of it. It disappears again. It comes back.

It's made of pizza. Guerrilla president? Question mark. Gone. Permanent King Kong fixture attack at the top? Hey, that would be pretty cool. Let's take that idea back home and pitch it to the mayor. But what we do get is Bill and Ted's excellent adventurer when we go back.

Oh, let's talk about the other side of what's going on here. It's called Killin' Time, because this has to be a full-run feature film. See your way to 97 minutes. Yeah, yeah. Oh, just, isn't it right, Chris? Just second by second. We're stalling to get there.

So it's Casey Jones, Splinter, the Half Puppet. And Casey Jones's wig is there as well. Yeah, wow. That thing's looking pretty, huh? All right, there. It's like from my discount. It's an animatronic character. Peat, peat, teat, teat.

I mean, this thing, is from like a discount Halloween store, off-season, by the way. I think it was the bottom half of Splinter, maybe. Oh, that's what they did with him? Yeah. They plucked all the fur off his little legs and made a wig out of it. Yeah. Look, times were tough for Ninja Turtles 3, man.

You shave that robot. You shave that robot and get me a wig. Dude, and that's someone's job, by the way. Shaving that robot, that sucks. It smells like Chucky Cheese still. I work in the movie business. I shave robots. Live in the dream, mom.

I went to college. Technically, I'm a robot shearer. Well, technically, I'm the first assistant. Yeah, you got to learn a trade. Yeah, that's right. You're not just top of the heap quite yet. So it's the two of them, and they have to keep these other Japanese dudes at bay.

Entertained, essentially? Well, yeah, distracted, if you will. Uh-huh. Because if they touch this lantern, like the stupid thing, start smoking again or something. Sure. You know, the turtles are busy fuzzling around and doing their whole thing. Well, they save a child back in the old days, right? Right, Yoshi.

It's kind of like that scene in the outsiders when they save all those kids. Oh, yeah, that's pretty heroic of those kids, too. Yeah, and then, like, they have to do CPR and Leonardo's doing CPR. Jesus. Jesus. Christ. These turtles don't have lips. They can't form a tight seal. No. That's not how that works.

I think about like a human is big against a child, but this giant, this giant friggin' head just going down. It's like engulfing the child's head. It's like he's going to eat him. And this village is totally cool with it. They're like, well, that's all right. Yes, and this speaks to the greatest fundamental problem with this. It's something that happens over tons of movies.

The idea where if your main characters are monsters, such as the Ninja Turtles, and a human beings see them, and what they do in the movie is not, like shit their pants scream and run away or throw up or just start vomiting right instead it's like well they're kind of weird but let's see where this goes right like no one is terrified of these things they think they're like some you know ancient like you know japanese demons that have come back but some of them can be good so they're totally cool with this but then on top of that this woman is totally cool with this turtle sucking face with this boy and he's got like his whole tooth in the kid's mouth and meanwhile like the woman like try

at first she's like i don't know and april's like no no no let him work why don't you step in other human being there that'd be a smart move knows what cpr is and like you know what happens in like a week like this kid's got a curse or something you know what i mean like if you're going to burn this kid at the stake yeah no because he's got like the demon inside of better kill this kid

speaking of the demon stuff we do get a few scenes of these people like well also the turtles finding out that they are kappa or whatever yeah capa is the name of these things You know my favorite joke is When the Kenchi sees Michelangio goes Oh, Capa, it goes Cappuccino, I'm not that tired. Yeah.

Listen to those crickets. Because that's like, well, sorry, but that was just like 90s humor, right? We loved yucking it up about weird fancy coffee drinks. I like the idea of like Michelangelo watching Frazier learning what cappuccino is, but like drinking garbage at the same time because you'll never know what that is.

He's just, like, gently sipping it, like, they're talking about the opera again. Somebody threw away one of the little cups, and he just, like, I bet this poop juice tastes like sherry. Hey, Niles! Raff's like, what are you talking about? So what I was saying is that they find out

that they're supposedly demons from a ninja scroll. Oh, yeah. There's a straight-up ninja scroll in this movie. not that kind you perverts tricked him and it's like this weird scroll with literally just drawings of ninja turtles what are the odds

apparently like the ruler like his ancestor was defeated by ninja turtles in the past so time is a flat circle wait a second what happened to that guy of ancestors he said it's like ancestor like totally beefed it with these turtles and it didn't work out

did he learn that on ancestors dot com. Oh, my family was, I'm a little bit Irish. Oh, my grandfather was beaten by Ninja Turtles. I have a feeling there was some like tremendous like military cock up and it's like a point of shame. So that's the story that they made up was like, yeah, he was defeated by monsters. Who could defeat monsters? That's understandable. Let's just make them turtles, the most vicious animals. Like here's the thing Again, a message to this prop department Like, I get it

They have to sort of look like Ninja Turtles These are like just ripped from the comics, man Make them look a little different I believe there's even like Red Orange, Purple, and Blue Yeah Stop Just stop

And they're like Oh look, it's our ancestors No, you were made in a laboratory You're our ancestors You're a mistake! I'm sorry, For stupid accidents. You know, I try to love the Ninja Turtles, but they really just make you work for it.

God, it's obnoxious. So at this point, they're like, oh, the Time Scepter's missing because someone stole it and like, how are we going to get back? Let's make our own Time Scepter. Bullshit. Again, it's like, yeah, why don't we make our own Time Scepter?

That'll just kill another five to seven minutes. Do you have the magic horse that enchanted it? No, so whatever. I imagine a magic horse was involved. Now, if they're, they go to the length of trying to make this thing. Yeah. They should try to also embody it with that spirituality by going up the mountain to find that magic horse. Yeah, that's the adventure.

Yeah. That's what it is right there. Have the wise horse bless the lantern there. Now you get yourself a two-hour turtle picture. Oh, nice. An epic adventure. No. The two-hour teeth.

No. You don't want to see Four Turtles talking to a talking horse? Or just hike up a hill? No. Oh, you finally made it here. Let me bless this piece of shit you made. Now get out of my house. Oh, no, it's the gun pirates.

Which brings to mine, by the way. We're talking about, like, the shoddiness of this production, right? Oh, God. Now, they're riding a lot of horses in this movie. Okay. it's 1992-ish we're making this movie. Just how many? What's a ballpark number you guys want to throw out there

for the amount of dead on-set horses we're talking to this movie? 54. 54 dead horses. Holy God. Seven dead horses. That's acceptable. I mean, because they killed like 20

on the HBO series Luck, right? Yeah, well, that was a lot of like Dustin Hoffman was starving. Four of those luck horses were lunch. The alternate title for that HBO series was The Glove Factory. Dude, I would watch a show called The Glove Factory starring Dustin Hoffman and Dennis Farina. You'd bet you're sweet-ass I'd watch that. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, man. Just plugging horse brains, man? Here's the thing. It's like a mystery. Like the first season, like you're leading up to it, like, what's going on in the glue factory, right? And then it's like the season finale is like someone, you know, let's say, I don't know, Shia LaBuff. opens a door, and it's just a bunch of horses falling into a thing, and they're, like, cutting back and forth to, like, his horrified face, and these horses drop and, like,

no! And then it's just, like, hard cut to black, glue factory, season one, directed by Carlton Kuse. Think about the sound of all those severed hooves, like, all falling out that door. Hell yeah, dude. Now, who saw our picture in the city paper and thought this is what you're going to get? Zero, right? Yeah, sorry. We did have to, like, okay, at the end of the credits, you know,

they always have, like, no harm was made to these animals and anything. This one starts with every effort was made. Oh, man. Nice try, movie. We tried, we really tried. Listen, we did our best. A lot of elbow grease went into this one, but. Look, I'm not Superman.

What am I going to do? All these horses? Look at all these. horses. I'm one man. What am I going to do? I'm one guy. One guy, 47 horses in this movie. And they ate all the pizzas. What am I supposed to feed these people with? I think, I honestly think

eight dead horses is acceptable. You think about the number of horses we had on said versus the eight that thine. Pretty good. Very good. Look, every effort, I swear. Just read a great script for a new show called Luck. They made him change the title. He used to be called The Glue Factory. All we got to do is change the

name of Donatello to Dustin Hoffman and we got something here and listen to this opens with just one slow shot of Dustin Hoffman eating a horse leg oh hell yeah you think Game of Thrones is big get ready for the next year's the glue

factory so they are oh right this movie they're about to go they think they have this piece of shit that they made in like an hour and they're like oh let's let's use this travel back in time and like Doc Brown is spinning in his grave

because he's dead at this point probably. Oh yeah, he was shot in the back over a matter of $80. But in the future in the future, what was that, the 1800s or something? 1885. Right, and this is what, 16? 05. All right, so he's not dead yet. Time is a flat circle. He's been dead the whole

time. And that's a fun motion because we're all already dead. Oh, yeah. And we're all living and we're all just being born. Sure. That's pretty beautiful. So they drop this piece of shit down a well, and they're like, oops, that was 20 minutes of the movie gone. They'll literally throw the idea down a well. They're like, ah, fuck it. It's so stupid.

They're just, who can hold it? Is what the argument is over? Now, here's the thing, though, and this goes against, like, the integrity of these characters, right? Because Donatello, the genius, should be like, you know what, you idiots, this isn't going to work. You can't just put a bunch of sticks together and make a time travel device. Well, he's too busy yucking it up, you know? Oh, he's having a great time in feudal Japan. That is the problem, isn't it?

So, like, whatever. Raphael befriends this kid, and this kid's like, oh, by the way, thank you for the yo-yo. You crafted me with your gross turtle hands. Oh, yeah, he's like, hey, kid, I made you a yo-yo. This kid's like, ah. You're still a monster. Is it haunted? Oh, man, the haunted yo-yo.

That would be canceled. can movies get canceled This one should have That Outer Limits episode Yes that got canceled So they wind up The kid had it the whole time And then like the grandfather comes

Who said nothing up to this point No but he turns out to be like You know a really important character Crucial to the plot And he's like oh by the way I just wanted you to fight the guy Because whatever And what selfish nonsense is that by the way

Like you guys are trying to get home You already saved a bunch of people from our burning village. Now I'm going to trick you and make you, like, miss your little window, so you'll fight these people. Well, listen, you were destined to die, okay? This is not Quantum Leap. Dr. Sam Beckett is not here. Just suck it up and die already. Dr. Beckett leaping into a turtle.

Oh, boy. That would be cool. That would be great. Oh, Ziggy. Look at this. Look at this ninja turtle. He looks in the mirror, and it's got back a little. with a mask on?

Al, what am I? What am I here to do? Oh, yeah. See, he should have leapt into like an alien or something. That would have been cool. That'd be something else. That's the problem, though. He can only leap, like, within his lifeline, though.

But his lifeline includes the ninja turtles, so it would be great. Oh, yeah, that's true. Try to fiddle with those weird dildo fingers. Try to, like, just be, try to live that life. Yeah, that's true. Living the life of a mutant with. dildo fingers. They do at multiple points in this movie

give people wet willies, which doesn't work because their ear cavity is this big and their fingers are this big. It's just like, wet willie, uh, turtle power. It's disgusting. It is disgusting. Oh, wait, speaking of disgusting things they do,

because we promised you guys we'd be talking about turtle genitalia one way or the other. So, who's turn these boys over? There's one point. part in this movie where this poor actress playing April is just like in these big robes like outside wherever they're filming and it's got to be hot. So she's like, oh, I'm going to like rip off part of it

and like she shows a little leg and these turtles are like whoa, whoa! And she's like, hey, it's hot and shut up about it or whatever. I'm on vacation. Oh, I'm on vacation. That's the line she uses. And these turtles are just like, oh, that's cool. Show wing. Dude, do not invoke the Wayne's World

Boner joke in this movie? Don't, let's have no boner jokes in a Ninja Turtle movie. Let's, that's a radical idea. For once! For once! Because it keeps happening. Yes. That first Michael Bay movie is 45 minutes

and I'm talking about their shells getting tighter. Are you serious? I got kids here. You fucking perverts at Nickelodeon. Well, the weird thing is, though, like, there's a lot of, like, shots of them, like, I'll call it turtle taint, you know, like, whatever? And it's like, it's a hard shell area.

So do they, like, to go to the bathroom, do they take the shells off? I don't know. Are they just, like, men under there? No, they're not. Okay. First of all, no, they're not. Okay. Yeah, second of all, note to the cinematographer of this movie, when the turtle is going in

for the high kick, let's just kind of tilt up a little bit, huh? Because, again, I've got kids here. Remember, it's just a diaper they're wearing, essentially. It would be good if it was just blurry. Oh, man, pixelated turtles. Yeah, exactly. Get those high kicks in, it just goes. Fuzzy.

Oh, man, it's fuzzy down there? Wow, pixelated fuzzy. Well, it was the 90s? So, was it? Was it the 90s? As far as I know. So is that, like, green fuzz? Yes, yes, it is.

Oh, whatever. The final... Showing! Don't. Just don't. What other Saturday Night Live bits do you think those turtles are fans of? It's Pat.

It's Pat. They loved It's Pat the movie. No, it's that Rob Schneider bit the, you know, hey, it's April O'Rama and all that shit forever. All the copy guy? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

You know what? Yeah, they love all the really obnoxious ones. They loved mango. Maybe when they're, like, injecting each other with steroids, they're like, you like a bit juice? You're like a bit juice? Well, actually, no, how much

you bench. Yeah, oh, how much your bench for sure. Is Splinter doping these turtles? Yes. Probably. Yes. That's a hard yes. Without question. Well, there's no Olympic committee down in the sewers, I guess. Oh, yeah. There should be, though. For the Turtle Olympics.

So, the final fight, it's the Daimaux and his people and the gun pirates. You're welcome. Thank you. Thank you very much, Steve. They are there. And they're all fighting outside. and Leonardo goes, finally we get a sword fight, Leonardo and

finally, and the emperor or whatever this guy's name is, right? And he's like, and I will say this, this movie is terrible. Uh-huh. However, one thing that it has over the last movie is the fact that they're allowed to use their weapons in this. Sure. We've got the size getting thrown,

sword fights, bows are going, and chak-who's happening. Nothing happens. But at least they're using it. They're not hitting people with sausage links. But, listen. Like that last one, are you kidding me? This is established as a samurai film and that needs at least one severed limb. Yeah. Oh yeah,

that's true. Or like a sick decapitation, how about, right? Well, that's what's about to happen. He fights the guy to a standstill and he's got him. He's got like the two katana. He's about to cut his head off. Oh, it's like Christopher Lee in episode three. Yes. Just waiting for it.

Yeah, it would be great about it. Do it, Leonardo. Good, Tuttle, good. Let the race. They would fit seamlessly into the Star Wars. Oh, absolutely, dude. You put a trench coat on them or some sort of hood. It's just another one of those gleep-clops in the canteen.

Of course it is. Oh, there's a werewolf. There's a Ninja Turtle. And there's a coffee maker. Dude, seamless integration. Without questions. So what is he doing? Is he going to cut this guy's throat or what?

He's about to, but then he cuts his hair off. And it's like a funny joke, but like, dude, that guy's got to kill himself now. Like, that's kind of how that works. That's, you know, as was the passion at the time. You get humiliated by a ninja turtle in a battle. It's like, Sepaku for me, baby. Like, it'll be one thing, right? If it was those demons and it's like, well, Jesus, they're demons.

Like, we get it, buddy. But then it turns out they're just like four party dudes. Yeah. Like you got bested by a party dude? Suicide time, pal. They're laughing at you the entire time. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that guy should kill himself.

The cool end of this movie. That'd be a great, like, during the credits, you see it. It's a bunch of bloopers, and then that dude just kills himself? Yeah, like this slow ceremony of him committing Subbuku. Yeah, and the turtles are still just laughing at it. Michael Angelo comes out, look, are you still here? The movie's over. Go home, dude.

Ew, that guy's dead. Oh, my God, a suicide. Calabunga! Finally, we get a cowabunga. Yeah, it turns out it's just after the suicide in the credits. We missed it. So the turtles are all surrounded with guns. All the gun pirates reveal their guns.

And I'm just going to look at you every time I talk about gun pirates. No problem. Yeah, thank you. And, you know, they start to taunt the dude, like Walker, like, oh, you know, you don't have the balls to shoot me, you coward, right? Yeah. And he shoots Leonardo with a cannon and, like, he puts his head inside of his shell. It's the first time we see, like, turtle biology. Yes, finally.

He just like shrinks into that shell And again, laughing in this man's face too Just yucking it up Well, that's why Walker Runs the gun pirates Because he's the cannon pirate Oh yeah That's like the end guy

Yeah, he's the final one You fight all the gun pirates You fight the cannon pirate It's the shitty video game I don't want to play But like all these guns are drawn And he's like oh no my cannon didn't work Better run no no fire And then they're all dead

Right fire, there's like 20 armed men trained on these turtles. It'd be like sunny Corleone man, like just on that causeway those four turtles on that causeway dude, they're trying to pay the toll and they just get fucking shot to death. Oh yes.

I would love that. Can you imagine all those turtle squibs going off? Oh yeah. Dude like little pieces of shell flying. Oh, totally. Totally. It's like the opening saving private Ryan. Where's my shell? Where's my shell?

Oh, dude, they accidentally time-traveled to Normandy? Borgas. Well, no, I like the idea of them dying, and then, like, the guys in the future grabbed the scepter, and these four dead turtles come back. And, like, Spudder's like, no! No! Then he's definitely killing himself.

Just closed the whole operation at that point. Not only are my son's dead, but the Nazis won the war. this was all your fault splinter yes oh we could get both both suicides in the end credits like simultaneously one side in the past or one side in the present dude that puppet kills himself and a bunch of sparks are shooting out while it's happening hell yeah then you bring all those puppets back to chucky cheese by the way you go back in the night and put them all back in and they're just covered in squib blood and torn to pieces. One of them shaved.

The manager to the Chucky Cheese opens up to place. Like Charles Entertainment Cheese himself comes in. What happened here? What happened here? He's crying because he's ruined. Just one little note. These worked great. Thank you.

That's why Chucky Cheese had to rebrand. And he's got like rollerblades on now or whatever. That was a thing. That corporation was like, we got to like read. imagine this brand of Charles Entertainment cheese. What's popular in the mid-2000s? Oh, I know rollerblading. Put that rat

and rollerblades. Whatever. They have shitty pizza. So Walker goes on top of a castle. He's about he throws the Scepter. They catch it. And then to fulfill his destiny, Casey Jones murders this guy too.

Now, if you remember from the first movie, Casey Jones chewing gum and whistling kills shredder in the garbage truck and like crushes him to death. So it would make sense that this ancestor then is like I too get pleasure from killing. He uses a catapult. I don't

know where that was aimed for. Well, that was the guy that was above the cannon guy. That was the catapult pirate was the thing. It's very important. That was the big cheese. I didn't even see him. He's on screen. He's played by Robert De Niro in a cutscene.

And it happens? He's like a phantom menace, this pulling the strings from behind the curtain. Totally. Better movie. So he falls to his watery death. They're like, finally we can end this fucking movie. Now, wait a second, again, because we have to

keep talking about just how wretched the production is on this movie. So this guy is like fake dual screen falling and yelling, right? And then like, because they can't do like water impact? They're not filming on a mountain. No. Like, Steve, could you hold this water bottle like up in the air?

So like this is the guy falling, right? And so then Like, they animate the water, and it just goes, oh! Like a cartoon mouth pulls this guy into the water. It's kind of like a little sarlack. It's like a little, you like fell into a little sarlac. You know, I went to the movies the other night and saw that new teenage mutant Ninja Turtles movie. Think we got a lawsuit on my hands. That ocean looked very sarlac to me.

Sue them, boys. why not so he's dead yeah I'm long dead they're laughing they're kind of what is there's some line that the turtles have oh that's what it is so this man has been murdered

he's fallen to his death and the turtles are all like just staring with their stupid puppet mouths and their perfect Tom Cruise teeth and then Donatello has to break the ice and he's just like whoa bungee jumping

without a cord totally unsafe What the fuck are you talking about? That man's dead No, he was just trying to have fun by jumping off that cliff Oh wait, that guy was Abraham Lincoln's ancestor Ew, that's a whole mess of problem

Yeah, absolutely, very well could be Don't want to get into that Uh-huh, so he's dead And the turtles go back in time Well, they're about to But like Oh right, there's conflict Rafael's like, hey man, I'm not living

surrounded by my own shit and Michelangelo's like, I second that. Why are we going back to the sewer? Yeah, like they keep commenting about like how beautiful it is and look at all this clean water and this perfect air. Michelangelo wants to lay a little pipe. He does.

He does. Because what else is new? What else is new? Why would a Ninja Turtle's movie be without bestiality everybody? What would it be? Good question. A fun family time at the movies. That's what it would be. Okay. Michaelangelo Ninja Turtle, he's killing people in the past, right?

Uh-huh. Yeah. He's traveling back in time asking women what their sign is. Yes. I'm thinking he might be the zodiac. Oh. I like that. I like that idea.

Look out Ted Cruz. Here comes Michael Angelo. Maybe it was a tag team. Oh, yeah. Oh, he wasn't working alone, man. You're totally right. Oh, because they found Ted Cruz in the sewer. That's right.

And they went back in time with him. Dude, Eric, let me tell you this specifically, future case. file. But to be, to be fair to the Zoddykiller, though, he could have been a Ninja Turtle because he's got that... No one ever, by the way. Because he's got that big mask on, like that big Jason

Voorhe's pillowcase. Why else would you wear that unless you were a Ninja Turtle? That's true. That's the only reason you would wear that. I agree. Yeah, I agree. But what does he expect this woman in 1605 to say in response to what's your sign?

Well, at the end, he's like, oh, are we going back. I got to stay here with you. And she's like, ew, gross. She actually says, like, my boyfriend's that other dude. I want him to come back. Please go away from me. I have a boyfriend in another time. Yeah. Oh, you didn't know

that? Yeah, he's pretty cool. Things are just getting serious. He's in Canada. You don't know him. His name's Griff. He's great. So they wind up going back, but at the same time, Michelangelo, there's like this

bullshit last minute like I'm checking my watch one more problem like oh no Michelangelo didn't go back with everybody whatever and you know it is a whatever because it's resolved about two and a half minutes later I was expecting you know Joe Flaherty to come out like Raphael

the turtle I have got something for you it gives him a letter it's Mike's in the Old West they go back and they dude I mean that that would at least be a classic I've been laying pipe in the old west I'm happy here.

Don't come looking for me. I'm in a pretty committed relationship with Mary Steenburgeon. Shot in the shell over a matter of $80. Trying to explain to someone what pizza is. That's a lot to write on a dead turtles tombstone, by the way. What do you want in your tombstone? Oh. Did they have pet cemeteries?

That's far back. Bravo. Nice work. No, can't get that turtle from here A pet cemetery in the Old West was called Stu Also, like, I have a feeling And I'm no Stephen King Pet Cemetery scientist But like, it works on a cat, right?

It works on that kid because he's little It works on the dog in that terrible sequel But a big fucking ninja turtle man, I don't know Sometimes dead is definitely better If you're a ninja turtle, it's always better to be dead. The ninja turtle's like sneaking up on Fred Gwyn and cuts his tendon.

Oh, no, it's a ninja turtle. He's killing me. He's killing me. Didn't know we had them this far up in Maine. Turtles don't normally go this far. Water's too cold for a turtle. Sweeters can't fit over those shells. Now, dead chipmunk, on the other hand.

Oh, yes. Resurrect Alvin Simon and Theodore and a pet subject. You know what I just realized, speaking of Stephen King and Ninja Turtles, are, is Pennywise, just a Ninja Turtle? He's calling from kids from the sewers, right? One of them, Michelangelo just gets tired of it, right? Yeah, he flips out, he puts a bunch of clown makeup on.

Yeah, I could see that. That's definitely Raphael. That's not a Michael Angel. That's true. That's when, like, his rage gets fully out of control. He sees, like, the John Wayne Gacy of the group. I believe, yeah. He's hanging out in all those seedy movie theaters and stuff.

Who knows what's going on? Walking around Central Park after dark? Like a creep. So, Michael Angela comes back and he's sad, right? He's sad at the end of the movie. He's bummed, man. This is a totally bogus situation for him. Well, he's like, oh, growing up is hard to do.

And I'm like, I don't even know what your development is. You're a ninja turtle. Yeah, like, how old are you? We say teenage, but that's kind of like a great term. Well, that's the thing. Like, are we talking like a hard 19, right? Or like an iffy, like 15? Like, how old are these turtles?

because we are talking about laying pipe all throughout these movies. I'd like to think it's a hard 19. Yeah, yeah. Just because, you know, legality. Totally. No, I hope so. Listen, I'm praying that these turtles are of age. Every night.

Every night. I'm just saying, please, Lord, make these turtles legal. You get into your nighty. You get on your knees. The rosary's out? Oh, yeah, dude. And if not, forgive me of my sin. I think you whip yourself to sleep.

No, because otherwise, Splinter's going down, man. Yeah, that's true. This operation is all his brainchild. Okay. It is. He's their, you know, leader, the father, they're calling him dad in those new movies. Yeah, that's gross. It is gross.

So, he's, like, sad, and then, like, Splinter puts the fucking lampshade on his head and starts talking about Blue Hawaii, and I'm like, I'm fucking five. I don't know who Elvis is. Man, no one cares. No one cares about Elvis who's watching this movie. Nobody cares about Elvis's movies who's watching this movie. No. And no one is laughing who's watching this movie.

And then the turtles just start dancing again. It's like, well, you know what? I'm not sad about that woman who now that I'm back in 1993 has been dead for centuries. The love of my life has been a skeleton for centuries. Let's dance. And by the way, the credits start before they start dancing. Oh, these credits couldn't get out fast enough. These credits were just waiting like, start dancing.

start dancing already we gotta go oh man and that's that's ninja turtles three you guys so much fucking dancing singing and hootin and hollering now here's the I mean here's the real question what anybody recommend this movie

no no I thought that even I didn't like that new one but that's like at least kind of what I want to see in a ninja turtles movie the newest newest one Yeah, the first new one. No, the newest, newest, newest one with Crang who looks like shit. But it still is okay.

It's better than this movie. I would never recommend this movie. Yeah. Yeah, this is terrible. I'm going to echo Steve's... No. No. You know who I'd recommend this, too?

A surly gang of gun pirates. They'd get something out of it. Yeah, they would. They'd be mystified. Sunsales. And they'd love seeing themselves portrayed on the big screen. Right? They're a better gun pirate movie.

Captain Blood That's a good one Arrow Flynn I think the Seahawk has a bunch of cannon pirates Oh You're right They're just pirates

I'm sorry It's going too far They're just pirates Some have swords And some have guns Just end the fucking show man Well I'll tell you this We do have to start

Rapping things up here So we would like to thank the little for having us out here this evening. You should buy this beautiful poster that's out front there. $10, not bad, right? We'd like to thank all of you, very kind people, for coming out here this evening

and spending your Saturday with us. It is Saturday. Yeah, it's a... You're going to get a drink, right? Is that the idea? We will be... Where is it called? It's called Matthews, I believe.

It's around the corner. Yeah, somewhere around here. You guys are probably more familiar with us, but we will be there for a little bit. Drinking beers, talking about Turtle Taint. I hope not. We can talk about other stuff, too, if you want. See me after class

But before we go We do We've sort of fallen into this nice routine Of just, you know, sort of combing the internet and You know, because everybody likes stupid stuff So, you're all here

You're all Proof in the Putt Fucking gun pirates Now Now we found someone who really liked this movie on the internet. We wanted to read you what this person had to say. Now, bear in mind, none of us wrote this.

It was written by a man named G. Balser 14. Posted on October the 24th, 2009. So this guy was catching up to the G. Wait, wait, wait. Didn't that guy write Dubliners? Oh, you mean James Joyce? No, he's not... James Joyce isn't on the IMDB message board.

You fucking gun pirate. Was James Joyce a gun pirate? No, he wasn't. No, he was an Irish pirate. Oh, yeah. A quill pirate. So, G-balls are 14. Rated this film nine stars out of ten.

Now, there's absolutely no punctuation in this whatsoever. So I'll read some of it like that. But, you know, we'll have to stop and sort of comment along the way at what Mr. Balser 14 had to say. To be honest, this isn't a bad movie. I love it. It turtles. I mean it lucky enough to be turtles. Not some crappy one, which is not the fight scenes, are that great. Are you reading this backwards?

Nope. This is all forwards, brother. Okay. But still, there weren't very many fight scenes in the first one, nor the second. but give it a chance I think this Turtles movie is for major Turtles fans only I always hate that idea

where it's like the shittiest thing that you're like thing that you like could do is only for the fans yeah no that's what the term general audiences was invented for like the preview doesn't come on and it's not like this preview's been rated for only fucking super fans

God looking at you Batman versus Superman fucking wet sata farts that movie is okay wow an applause break and besides they go back in time how cool is that

even though it not like the game turtles in time it stills a movie that has great laughs and not only does it have great laughs Marty, it's about your kids. They're coming and you're on the message boards on IMDB. Say the turtles have great laughs.

They don't know how to read, Marty. Go and travel through time and teach your kids how to read. Marty, you have to get your kids off of homeschooling. Oh, where are we? Oh, great laughs. Not only does it have great laughs. It does have good battle scenes. But the only thing that was not good, the only thing.

The only thing. One thing. The singular thing that was not good about this movie was that Leo looked like he got punched in the face. Don looks like he got older. Well, we all get a little older, don't we? Now here we go, everybody.

Rath looks like he become a pussy. What does he be talking about? Because he befriends that kid? He's not getting sexually aggressive with everyone. Do you think he was watching He's like being nice to that kid who almost died And he's like that fucking pussy turtle That stupid fucking pussy turtle

Getting so mad Mashing his keyboard with disdain That's how he knows flying everywhere Where were we pussy And Mikey Well he just Mikey Master Splinter on the other hands Now

Again, none of us on here wrote this. Master Splinter, on the other hands, sounds like he has a cock in his mouth. What are you talking about? And some of the acting, well, is just plain horrible. He's a puppet! It's a puppet! Well, maybe the puppet wasn't, like, dancing around

like the rest of the puppets, and he was getting pissed. Still, I don't know how that sounds like you have a cocky. I don't know. I think this guy's a jerk. Yeah, no, this guy's a real jerk. Just possible. We're getting there. Where were we? Oh, yes.

Okay. Some of the acting roles just playing horrible, like some of the Japan people. Oh, the internet. But overall, this Turtle's movie, to me, gets a nine out of ten. Only because I love TMNT and the games,

and I can't wait for the new TV. TMNT coming in 2011. Well, we hate movies from New York City. Thanks so much for coming out, everybody. Have a good night. Bye-bye. You know, and we're going to be.