We Hate Movies - S6: On-Screen: The Friday the 13th Franchise

Episode Date: October 30, 2015

On this spooktacular edition of On-Screen, the gang ranks the entire Friday the 13th franchise from best to worst! Going off of Chris Cabin's column on Collider, Andrew, Steve, and Eric go through their favorite entries and most hated sequels one by one! When trying to sum up some of these films, Steve puts it best with, "It's like, oh, would you rather eat dog shit or cow shit?" Find out which shit sequels we find most delicious! And be sure to check back with Collider.com for more Chris Cabin dispatches! Happy Halloween, gang! Stay safe out there! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

We all go a little mad sometimes. You know, it's Halloween. I guess everyone's entitled one good scare. Sometimes, that is better. Zombies have entered the building. They're at the door. They're coming in! It is time to keep your appointment with the Wickham Man. They're coming to get you, Barbara. He's sick for fucks. You've seen one too many movies.

Now, sit, don't you blame the movies. Movies don't create psychos. Movies make psychos. We're a fucking woman in the back. It's an excellent day for an accident. Welcome to WHM on the screen, everybody. I'm Andrew Jupe. alongside Stephen Sadek and Eric Sisko.

We are here talking about the Friday the 13th franchise. And I should say, oh yeah, dude, that's sexy, dulcet tone of Jason whistling in the woods. No, Eric's going full on maniac murder, so he's going to kill everybody. We are recording this right before we do a live commentary here at the Jacob Burns Film Center. We're going to be doing a commentary track on Friday the 13th, Part 8. Jason takes Manhattan. However, we thought, inspired by our brethren, Chris Cabin, who's overseas maybe now. Isis?

Yeah, I think he's fighting. I thought it was Hydra. I heard Hydra. Oh, yeah, that's true, too. The point is Chris Cabin's whereabouts are unknown. But he did publish an article on collider.com a couple weeks ago. He published a little, first of all, go to collider.com, look for Chris Cabin. He's an associate editor there.

He's got a bunch of great stuff that you can read. the website's fantastic. Yeah, he's keeping busy over there on Collider. But so he did a thing where he ranked all of his Friday of the 13th movies and his movies, the movies, in his order of... He wrote and directed them all, little known fact. Yeah, that's... You know,

he's such a busy beaver. No, so he ranked worst to best Friday of the 13th. So we thought we would put out our order. Right, because he was wrong. And we have to

get to the bottom of this. Yeah, he was dead wrong. No, so we respect Chris's opinion and we're going to give ours now. And also, I've never seen any of these movies before. I only saw the two we did for the episodes, which were part five

and part nine. And then eight, because we did a commentary, I was like, you know, I might as well fill in them gaps, which is what I did in the last two weeks. I was like, hey, some of these are pretty damn good. Yeah, you went Friday the 13th crazy. Well, also, and then you had to watch Freddy versus Jason for the episode. Oh, that piece of garbage, too, yeah.

Yeah, it's so bad you just forget all about it. So, so how, Steve, explain how we're going to do this. Okay, we're going to, everybody get out a piece of paper at home. No, no, no. What we're going to do is we're just going to go chronologically from the first movie all the way through the newest and kind of all kind of talk about it and call out where we had it on our respective list and probably do a list round up at the end just in case you don't have a piece of paper handy. Right, right, which, you know, I don't want to make you do work at home.

So it's fine. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy. And odds are you already turned it off. So congratulations. Yeah, no one wants to hear this. And if they do, the one guy that listens to this is going to be like, well, they're all wrong. Exactly. They're all wrong.

Jason goes to hell is the best one. All right. So we'll start with original, the first ever, Friday the 13th. Yes, with Mrs. Voorhe's doing the killing. Yep. With Kevin Bacon doing the dying and the spliff smoking. And this has got Tom Savini in it, which I think, El To me, elevates it pretty high on my list.

In it as an actor? No, no, in it doing the... Oh, he's doing the effects. He's the one that figures it out. He only did it for two of the movies. And I think that kind of matters to me. It absolutely matters. And I'll tell you something else.

If I ever get the privilege of being killed in a horror movie, I want the master Tom Savini to be doing the makeup on it. If I ever get killed in real life, I'd like Tom Savini to do it. I want Tom Savini to murder me. Dude, how about this? Tom Savini's coming at you with like a huge. huge machete you have to yell out come on sex machine you really do

right before he lays the death blow I should also mention by the way there is a Jason Vorhees mask on this table Eric is wearing a Jason Vorty's Christmas sweater it's just it's a beautiful celebration of the franchise we have going on here at the Jacob Burns Film Center

just putting that out there and I you know I just feel like this is it's a cool one I really like Mrs. Vorhe's sweater She's got it See, that's the sweater They need to be selling I do think the atmosphere

Is pretty good here too Honestly You've got all that dirty camp You know You get the shots of the woods The lake's got some steam Coming off of it It's probably the most atmospheric

I think so too It is It's the one that well It's kind of a real movie almost It's pretty much a real movie No it is And you know The other thing about it is

Why I like it to You only get this I think with the first two You're pushing it with three It's still the early 80s And that means It's feeling like the 70s, and everybody looks like garbage, but they look great at the same time. Also, the first movie, it has the dude who's trying to, like, revitalize Camp Crystal Lake is just this Richard Dreyfus-looking motherfucker.

Yep. You know, I haven't seen this guy before or since. He's like a redhead Jerry Garcia. Like, you know, I don't know what this dude's deal is, but he's great. That's creepy. He's kind of getting coffee throughout most of the movie. Honestly, like. A lot of Folgers crystals in this movie.

Like, I guess I should get back to that camp. Meanwhile, his dream is in ruin. Folgers Crystal Lake. Oh, wow. Oh, man, that's the new movie. The Folgers Corporation buys the lake. Oh, yeah. And then they just make instant coffee out of the lake.

And then Jason's defeated by all these beans get dumped on them. Oh, no, beans. I'm in a coffee silo. So where's everybody rating part one? I had it number three on my list. In terms of the third best of these movies. Okay. The third, I mean, and best is kind of weird.

It's kind of like watchability comes in there. Watchability. I do you think this is probably like the best of the movies maybe, but it's just the three on my list of like favorites. Yeah, I mean, it's subjective. And obviously, I think most people would be like, well, this is the best one. It's the first one. But, you know, some of us are watching these movies for different reasons. Sure.

And I'm watching it to see a grown hulking man throw teenagers through windows and whatnot. So I am reading it fourth. Fourth, all right. I know, it's down south. I'm sorry. I've got it at number one. It's great. I've got it at number one.

I can watch this movie twice a year, you know. I mean, I get it. Like, Jason's not around, and it's totally fine. I kind of like that all these people are being murdered by a middle-aged woman. It's just nice. It's the whole mommy thing. It's realistic. Yeah.

Well, you know what Mrs. Voorhees is not getting that. Arrowhead through a mattress and Kevin Bacon's throat. No. It's kind of Lori Metcalf syndrome. I just love at the end, man, she is just a fucking lunatic. She was a great actor. And getting decapitated on that beach is pretty funny. It's pretty great.

I do love how long the cat and mouse goes on between her and the lady. Like, it goes on and on. And it's like, let me go. It's like the last 20 minutes of the movie. Chris Cabin had it number four as well, Eric, actually. Oh, there you go. On his list. And you're always going around saying you and Chris don't have anything.

in common well next time i see him we'll have something to finally talk about that's long last all right uh get out your pillowcases gang here comes number two oh man this movie he's just it's it's the first appearance of jason he's wearing a potato sack with one do you think he was planning on cutting two high eye holes in it but was like oh did i hear something better get to work only one eyehole he's kind of he's dressed a little hipper in this? He could go to a nice bar right now and like kind of hang out. I mean, potato sack and all, because he's got like

a nice, like, Western shirt on, a nice pair of jeans, I believe. He would do well in two places, like a Crystal Lake Roadhouse, which they go to in this movie. They go to a Crystal Lake Roadhouse, but also a really hip bar in Brooklyn. Yes. He'd be able to pull off either location. You know, I do think like

by next fall, the baghead, it's going to be a trend. It's going to nippy, it's good chilly out there in the fall. who needs a beanie and a scarf when you could throw a bag over your head and I mean you get a nice little you can tell if like 80 bucks you put it like a really specified hole

for your earbuds to go through oh absolutely yep get those things just clip the little holes that's the thing you get that bag and then you can clip all the holes you want for all sorts of things your mouth you know what else but anyway any notable

other actors in this week I don't think so this one doesn't have anybody like a burgeoning actor that like kind of broke big afterwards. No, but it does have one of my all-time favorite franchise deaths, and that's that poor bastard in the wheelchair that gets the machete in the face and then

goes backwards down a staircase in the wheelchair, which in all these, like in some of the later sequels, it actually finally stops at number eight, but all these series recaps, they get their money's worth of this wheelchair shot. You see this poor bastard fall

down the stairs in like five sequels. that's the guy who's like desperately trying to not have sex with that one woman that's like hey dude let's figure it out hey dude let's figure it out is it you want to arm wrestle you want to play video games and she's like no I want to have sexual intercourse all right so where did this land for you guys uh this was number hold on five for me I wasn't too crazy about it pillowcase didn't really do it for me but I mean fine's still pretty high if you think about it there are 12 of these well yeah it did make top five for sure right uh it's fun um yeah that the machete the uh wheelchair that's pretty damn good and i do like um the ending with her and she's like puts on it i like that he makes a shrine to his mother and that awesome sweater is there oh yeah the sweater is there that decapitated head is there yeah did you do it jason jason jason no yeah it's

the thing that's funny about it is like they said it up that she's like a psych major yeah at the beginning of the movie. It takes a genius to figure that out. Well, naturally, at the end of the movie, you would think, like, put that sweater on, assume the role of the mother and just start yelling at him. I mean, that is also great about this movie. It adds that to the mythos that anyone

Crystal Lake should have, like, a training course for Jason. Everyone, like learn a Mrs. Voorhe's impression. Everyone's got to half a down pat, and then he can't do anything to anyone in the town. You get that sweat. Everyone's wearing that sweater. It's like when Ned Flanders takes over the world, you know?

Yeah. Well, Steve, this is also five for me. Okay. And I do enjoy it. I do like the baghead and I do like the kills and I like the thrills too. Come for the thrills, stay for the chills. I'm number two. It's the start of the Jason Borges lore. All of these are going to be. It's just right in order. I have the most boring list of all time. No, I don't know. It's just it's the start of that. That wheelchair death's hilarious. It also has the death. One of my other faves. That dude who kind of looks like Scott Bayo's doing that handstand. Oh, yeah.

It's a post-coital handstand, and he gets a machete right down the old crotch factory. Yeah, he has sex with... Crotch factory. I like to visit that. He has sex with not Sarah Jessica Parker.

Yeah, she looks a lot like her, yeah. Yeah, this was still around. This was, well, this was before square pegs even started. Before that monster was let loose on the earth. And Cabin had it number five as well, Eric. So we're three to one error, Andrew. So you're wrong.

Overruled. Turns out I'm wrong on that one. All right, fair enough. Number three, this is finally when we get our hockey masks. I love it. Yeah. We've got Shelley in this one. Shelly.

Someone I want to see fall into a vat of boiling acid. Because this dude's death, which is just like getting his throat cut or whatever. Off screen, by the way. Off screen death also. Well, he comes in his. Oh, right, yeah, he does sputter in there. Like, this dude is the most annoying character in cinema history. Yes, he's responsible for the Jason Mask.

But I hate the pathetic loser jokester. You know what? How about you give up the practical jokes and just start trying to be nice to people? You know what? I will see your, what was it, loser of the franchise here, and raise you the guy from number five, the big, the fat kid at the halfway house. Yeah, Mr. Chocolate face. Chocolate Barman, yeah.

Joey. I believe. Son of Roy. This movie is so much fun. And it's one of the few movies that 3D actually kind of works. It's weird to say that I got the whole set. I got the 3D glasses. And I seen this a couple times and I watched it in 3D.

And I was like, this is going to be dumb. And it is kind of dumb because there's certain shots that are just like, oh, oh, the knife is coming right at you. Right. The yo-yo and all that stuff. Oh, the yo-yo. Yes. Oh, it's so obligatory.

but it's kind of fun in that cheesy way and the a guy gets his eyeball shot out of his head Oh yeah Oh it's the squeeze Is it the first franchise skull squeeze? Yeah, it might be Yeah, that eyeball pops right out

That's really good The harpoon gun goes right at that woman And then just the hockey mask And it's like just thinking of the influence This movie had Oh yeah I'll also say I really think that Probably this is the best unmasked Jason

The way he looks he's got that perverted smile throughout it like he's like really excited to kill that lady and it's like it's very creepy uh this movie also has those great uh it's like that biker gang yeah and they're like messing with the dude at like the general store and the guy like backs over their motorcycles and he's like a total nerd is it shelly that's it's yeah yeah and he's like this'll get me laid take that motorcycle gang uh so all right so where'd you guys have this one This was number four for me. Number two for me. Wow. I am at number five. Wow. For this one.

Chris Cabin at number three. Three for three. Look at Cabin. Taking the easy way out. Yeah. The anaglyph 3D makes this a lot of fun. I will also say. All right.

So number four, Friday the 13th, the final chapter. Wrong. Yeah, first of all, wrong. Second of all, we've got this. is the fell dog makes his appearance as Tommy Jarvis. Yeah, this is another, like, as terms of the, you know, three, you get the hockey match.

This, you get Tommy Jarvis. Right. Now we're off to the races. Yeah, he becomes like a franchise staple for a couple of movies. And this one's just really, I mean, it's pretty epic. And Jason is throwing everybody

through Windows in this movie. I mean, Windows meet Jason. Windows v. Jason, Jason the Victor. Oh, I always thought he hated teenagers. Turns out he hates teenagers. Turns out he hates windows. He really does. Dude, he hates windows way more than he hates teenagers.

Goddamn glassophobe. And there's that weird guy. It's kind of great this guy that amounts to nothing who's like a Jason Hunter. Oh yeah, because like Jason killed his sister or something. Yeah. And then Jason just gets this dude too. Just in seconds. It's not like you figure he's going to be the guy at the end that's going to, it's a nice little fake out.

Is he supposed to be related to someone from three or two? I think it's three, I think. I think the main girl, I'm making that up. Oh, that's fair. You're just lying on the event. I haven't seen some of these in a few years. You just rewatched them. I did them all, yeah.

Exactly. Yeah, I'm, uh, memory not so great. It's just in FYI. Not so great. Yeah, that guy's great. You got the, oh, you know what you got in this is the whole like, moms getting murdered in front of the kids thing? Oh, yikes.

Because the Feld dog has like an older sister who's like the teenage connection to the rest of the cast. And it's, if I'm remembering, right, it's one of those, like, they live next door. And it's like, those rowdy people over there are being loud and whatnot. And then this woman just gets murdered like by Jason in that house.

The dog lives through everything, though. God bless. You better not be killing dogs in these movies. What I do, also, we haven't touched on it. Eric, your favorite actor of all time. Oh, yeah, one of many. Crispin Glover is in this film. Probably the greatest pre-death line of the franchise.

Ted, where's the corkscrew? Ted, where's the corkscrew? The corkscrew! I don't know what vowels he's hitting in that sentence. It's fantastic. There's some he's hitting, some he's adding. Like, he's really taken that sentence for a walk. He's reinventing the language.

He's doing that dance, reinventing what we think dance can be? I mean, this guy's a Renaissance man. He really is. And there's that weird part. like he's got that creepy buddy that keeps calling him dead dick or whatever or dead fuck or something you're like oh yeah you're a cold fuck is that one of those things and he's like watch it they're watching like old-timey pornography that they find at some point that's just in this rental cabin and you're just like well that's an amenity some eight millimeter nudie films from 1937 yeah why not i mean it's it's a it's a nice feature it's a nice way to put in uh lewdness without you know

I mean come on guys in the cabin and woods yeah this stuff happens and Tom Savini came back only for this one this is the other one that he did you know again the effects are great and you know

Crispin Glovers cleaver through the head is fantastic oh man take that what were the Corey Feldman Rod and Jason putting that knife into his head oh yeah that's great too the whole thing that's weird is like Cory Feldman making himself up to look like young Jason

that is a little weird right like how is it that he knows what jason look like as a kid there's some picture somewhere that he gets there i don't remember clipping the weirdest cori felman thing that chris touches on in his great collider piece that you should read uh is the part when cori feldman's watching the girls across the way and he's jumping on the bed giving himself a boner oh yeah totally it's like it's you're watching this kid like that's the first moment he realizes all sorts of possibility yeah it's it's so we have this movie with Jason running around, killing people, and then we have this young boy's sexual

awakening. It's a coming of age story, really? It is a coming of age story. So where did you guys have this one? Numero uno for me? Favorite Friday the 13th movie? It's the most enjoyable. I think I'd watch it again tonight if you wanted to. I think a lot of people

have that opinion. Let's mix it up for a second. Where did the Great Cabini put us? Chris Cabin agrees with me, which means I'm right. Oh, wow. I put it at number three. Number three, well. And I'm number four. Wow, wow.

Yeah. I'm surprised. Yeah. I'm a little hurt too. Sorry. So now we start getting into some murky watery. Oh, boy. This is the first of a few that we've done an episode on.

This is part five, the new chapter. And I think one through four, or a new beginning, rather, excuse me. Yeah, we did this as an episode, Roy the movie, basically. One through four, I could watch any old day of the week. And I've just seen these movie in the last week. and they've really endeared themselves to me. Yeah. Five is complete trash.

Yeah, it's down there. Yeah, it's dumb. You get, like, unlike every other movie in this franchise, you get mostly POV shots of the kills. Yep. And of the murderer's point of view. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is stupid.

I mean, because it's not Jason, so we can't like. But it's like building up, like, could it be Jason? And, you know, it turns out to be Roy, who's dressed like Jason, but with a blue paint on his, Hockey Mask instead of red. Right. Why not just show him killing people like a regular Jason movie? And you know what?

I might have enjoyed this. Because no one's going to be like, well, say, that hockey mask looks different. Like, no one's going to care. No one gives a shit. Because in like half of these movies, Jason just picks one up off the ground. And Jason looks completely different in every movie anyway. Like, you know, like his skin color changes, the bulk changes, the actor changes. And then if the twist at the end's like, oh, holy see this, Jason has.

red paint on his house. It would be like, oh, yeah, you're right. Wow. When we watch it, I'll pay attention to that. Yeah, exactly. I mean, we did see our episode for a lot more than that. But where did everybody have it? I have this at seven. Matching. Yeah, that's that seven for me as well. I have it. Oh, boy. I have it at 10. 10. You match Chris Cabin. We're in a dead tie. Oh, wow. Look at that. I just, you know, I get edge it over a lot of them because it's in the 18. I really do. I think that, yeah.

I kind of like, you know, some of that scene with, oh, baby, hey, baby. You mean when the dude is, as Cabin pointed out, serenading a woman while taking a shit in an outhouse? Yeah, it's kind of fun. If there's anything that says young love, it's a toilet serenade. And that you've got like the weird goings-on of that, like,

weird commune they're on and this. Well, that's what is weird about this is because for most other, all the other movies, it's like, you know, Just teens out having fun, getting laid, smoking weed, you know, drinking beers and whatnot. These are like damaged kids that need assistance. Yes. They're troubled.

They're abused. They're sick kids at this halfway house. And we're just getting them killed left and right. I will say it has my favorite song in any of the movies, which is the one that they girl robots to. Bells all mine with no life in his eyes. Yeah, that is pretty sweet. It's pretty great. Yeah.

There's only one other song in the franchise. that beats it and we'll get to it. So now we go to 6, which is a kind of a, what do you call it there? A return to form? A return to form. Jason lives. Now this is where he's finally revealed to be undead or he wakes from the dead. I think this is where he's turned into a zombie.

Yes, this is the one. He's risen from the dead. Because Tommy Jarvis, the third actor playing Tommy Jarvis. Right. Who's now like 20-something. Yeah. So he jumps ahead in time. And Horshack.

Ron Polillo or whatever Horshack's in the beginning, right? Yeah, it's Horshack. He doesn't make it out of the prologue, but he's there. Well, I guess he, because I think he's supposed to play somebody else from the mental institution. That's why he's probably a little older. Oh, yeah, that actually makes sense. Horshack looks crazy. Come on.

This movie's got some great kills in it. You got Jason picking up someone in a sleeping bag and hucking him against a tree. Yes, that happens. You've got, well, you have the great ones that are like almost at the same time it's uh the woman getting her face smashed against the RV toilet wall oh yeah goes out the other side and then he goes up and murders

uh the court who's played by john travolta's nephew uh he stabs that dude and then court flips the RV which is great it's like good like you've got a lot of car crashes in friday the 13th movie this is also like he's getting really like superhuman strength yeah oh well because there's a good head crush in this as always which is what you want he bends that dude backwards the sheriff who looks like John Carpenter yes

it's a I really have it's funny too like the jokes actually land it's trying to make jokes and they land jokes there's also you know what's great is this is the first time I believe that yeah we've seen Camp Crystal like be opened for business like there's kids in peril

in this movie and there's that great scene where it's like Jason's walking through and like they're all being quiet or whatever and he doesn't hurt any of the kids but these two kids are like we are so dead or something like that which is fucking hilarious there's that great line of oh what did you want to be when you were growing

when you grew up like you know it's like we're fucked and he's like you know like oh my god is he gonna do something and then he hears someone outside and he turns and leaves and runs oh right right because it's like you know Jason and it's hard he feels for these little kids he's like a little kid and he's like a little kid in his mind right and he's like

oh man you had shitty parents that sent you to this camp listen don't go swimming so yeah I got a bombshell where I rated this we also have our fantastic come on Jason your pussy all right when he's like trying to get him to Tommy Jarvis yeah beautiful I put this is number one oh wow I have hold on your hat clock and in it number two for me actually it's number three for me

it's two for Cabin as well cabin and I have the first one and two in the same spot there you go um yeah no i think this is one of the more rewatchable ones this is also it ranks sort of higher for me too sentimental value this is the first friday the thirteenth movie i saw i ever saw i saw it edited for television on like spike tv or whatever spike tv was called in the early 90s tn tn't the super station oh no tnn wasn't that what it was called maybe i don't know it's the right brothers channel the right brothers had their own tv channel and they uh they were the first they figured it out

first in flight first in the air on the air then we go to 7 which is the new blood aka Jason versus Carrie and this was originally supposed to be apparently Freddy versus Jason and swapped it out for a girl

with telekinetic power kind of might be an episode by the way a lot of these might be stay tunes the ones that we're not doing this franchise so some of this is we love movies too you know like this is some of these are beloved but still trashy enough Um, this is, yeah, I mean, it's, it's kind of two different movies for me. It's like, she's got her story and Jason's doing his thing. Right. And at the end, they kind of meet by chance. Well, they're, like, they are really amping up this girl's backstory, which I just don't give a shit about it. I don't care about her work with Dr. Terry Kaiser who's, like, exploiting her to, like, mine the telekinetic ability. Yeah. You know, like, I don't give a shit. It's a weird path to go to him.

Yeah. Next Man, you know what I mean? I don't want to watch an X-Man fight Jason. Jason in the school, what is that? The Xavier School for a Gifted Younger. Yes, I was at the school for scoundrels. And I was like, that's not it. I know Hugh Jackman's hanging it up, but Jason versus Wolverine.

Yes. I think, I know people would hate to hear this, but I think Jason might be able to take the Wolfmarine. Diderly possible. Now, Jason, if you're going to be staying at the Institute, there's just a couple of rules. we need followed around here. Mr. Data will show you to your quarters. Oh, now I'm getting franchises confused. Wow, that would

be a great nexus. Is every single Patrick Stewart world is combined? Yeah, in that movie, Cyclops would die first because everybody fucking hates that character for no goddamn reason. Oh, I hate him. Oh, you're wrong. He didn't get his due.

He didn't get his due. You know what? Here's how you can tell if I hate an ex-man. How useful? how useful are they in video game form and he sucked in that arcade game you know you're getting me angry but that's fine

what are you going to do go berserker on me Wolverine style he might there's a Jason mask on this table right now you never know who's going to who's going to dawn the mask I had this as number six well me too me too

oh look at that oh six six six on Halloween Chris Gavin had it as number eight Oh, cabin, you fucked it up. What an idiot. Now we go to eight, which is the reason we're here tonight, which is Jason takes Manhattan. It is 63 minutes until we hit New York City. So that's some bullshit false advertising.

Nothing is taken. Someone just sort of blows through town. Yeah, it's a boat trip. Jason runs a muck in Montreal, more like it. Vancouver. It's boat trip. Cuba Gooding Jr.'s in this movie. Horatius sends like,

gay guys. Oh, yeah, that's all that movie is. Yeah, I mean, this movie is like, we're taking the senior trip on a boat excursion from Crystal Lake, New Jersey area, up to Manhattan. Somehow. Somehow along the way, we're

hitting the high seas, like pirates. I mean, I think we were talking about this thing. I could use Jason versus pirates. Oh, absolutely. But they're like Oh, versus Somali pirates. Oh, man. I'm the captain now. Machete. They both have machetes. Oh, they would cross

swords. That would be beautiful. Or maybe he'd join up with the Somali Pirates. We could use someone like you. Yeah. Of sex trafficking. Getting this iron container. They'll just have like a catapult to shoot Jason onto a boat. Oh, man. I love that idea. Oh, wow. That's how you weaponize Jason, by the way. You just drop them into locations. Dude, if the U.S. government could figure this out.

A day before you drop a Teen Beat in a Teen Beat magazine, in his little container get him all revved up I mean if Jason existed the thing to do would be to drop him on the ISIS caliphate Yeah totally dude Those borders will be back to normal

In a day Oh he'd take care of that shit in six seconds Don't worry about it It's a stupid movie It's certainly not my favorite No I had it at 8 as number 8 8 o'clock in an 8

Oh wow I had it at 7 Number 9 You match Chris Cabin Nice, finally. Number nine is our episode, Jason Goes to Hell, finally. This is us

cross it in the 90s because I think 88 is the... Correct. Takes Manhattan. It's already getting 90-ish. You know, some of those people look like, today we were watching it, look like they're on Beverly Hills 902 and O.

Now we're finally full on in the 90s. It's full on 90s. This is where it just falls on its face because this, like early 90s, Gore and terror is one of the worst things in the world. And as I believe Chris pointed out in his column, this is like

we're trying to do Cronenberg body horror too, which is fucking horse shit. Jason exists as a worm, I guess, in this movie or something. Yeah, the little monster thing. Listen, you start talking bloodlines, that's where I'm tuning out. I'm looking at you two, Halloween franchise

and the nightmare franchise where we're talking about Freddie having a kid, the fucking the dream child and all that shit, nothing. These things, these monsters, don't have families. Also play by your own fucking rules. Don't have Jason become a ghost that can possess people and do his own

jasoning in different bodies. No, I want that reanimated corpse or nothing. Yeah. Why are we waiting until, if that was true the whole time, why are we waiting until the ninth installment to start talking about ghosts and goblin? Because it's crap. Also see our

episode on number nine for a lot more than that. Oh, yeah, absolutely. I had this at number nine, which is low on the list, but also not as maybe as low as some other people. I'm shocked, yeah. I mean, I kind of, I give it some leeway A, because I love when the FBI takes Jason down. I love that idea.

I love Jason on America's Most One, which he totally would be on. I also love when that doctor eats his heart. I think it's great. Oh, man, that guy's just going to Chow Town. But that's just me. Ooh, last for me, number 12. Wow. Me too.

Okay. Yeah, too. And Chris Cabin had at number seven. So higher than even I. That's shocking. That is shocking. That's shocking. If you're listening.

Chris, if you're out there, I just want you to know that that's shocking. He doesn't listen to the show. I do a podcast. So number 10 is a little different. We're going in a little different direction. Oh, yeah. Jason and space. Space trucking it.

It's been like 10 years, right? When did this come out, 2001 or 2001, something like that? 2001 2001 okay yeah this is Jason in the space this is he gets frozen by David Cronenberg

and some other people and hundreds of years passed by it's so hokey I mean it's just like a research facility is now occupying crystal oh yeah the Crystal Lake research facility can we all just shut the fuck up

like come on well it's like oh that's the cheapest land in New Jersey I guess is the idea Oh, I thought you were going to say that's a line from the movie. It should be, it would be great if demolition man got unfrozen as well. And that's now it's Stallone versus Jason. That would, yeah, Stallone would just kill him, though.

Or Jason, no, Jason would destroy Stallone. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So, yeah, number X, where does everyone have this one? I have it at 10 at 10. So do I. I have it at 8. Because while it's stupid, so is almost everything in this franchise.

And I found it kind of fun because I did a huge series we watched them all in order. And by the time we got to 10, I was just like, oh, brother. Yeah. So it was like, I can eat popcorn to this.

Yeah, like a little pallet cleanser kind of. I also saw this one twice in theaters, by the way. When it came out in theaters, I was like, nope, that is the dumbest idea.

I was so against it. And then when I finally sat my little cheeks down to watch it, I was like, hey, you know what? Not as bad as I thought. Well, I think also just like for me seeing it twice in theaters, one, I was seeing it for free, but also like I'd never been able to see a Friday the 13th movie in the theater before.

And while this is like just a sort of a Friday the 13th movie, I was like, I'll take it. I was a big fan of the franchise at the time. And so this was the first one I could go to, you know, and it was just like, oh rats. And then I saw it and it was stupid and then my brother was like, you're going to take me to see that. And I was like, oh, rats again, fine. Yeah, Chris Cabin had it all the way at the bottom number 12. Wow, okay. I mean, it makes sense.

It does. It's perfectly fine to have this at the bottom of a list. It's true. And then the next movie is just recently done on We 8 movies. Freddy versus Jason, 2003. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, we just did an episode on it this month. Yeah, so we don't have to go through it.

But I had it at number 11. Oh, me too. Right second to the last. I'll tell you what. The list I'm working off is a list I made like maybe a year and a half ago on letterboxed. And this was before we even thought to do an episode on this. And I embarrassingly, and I said I wasn't going to rework my list. Number one, huh?

No. Well, it's number eight. It's number eight, which I think after doing the episode on it and rewatching it again, like, I mean, it is a dog shit movie. And if I were to redo this, like I'd put it lower. but I don't know how much lower I'd put it. I mean, this is murky water. We're getting the bottom of crystal layer. Yeah, it's murky lake water at this point.

It's like, oh, would you rather eat dog shit or cow shit? It's like, um, maybe cow shit because he ate grass. And then a year later, the question comes up again, and you're like, I don't know, dog. It's smaller. Exactly. Exactly. It's not a whole pie. Chris Gavin's surprising he added to number five.

Right now. Tweet him nastily on, on, on, on, on, on, exactly. on the Twitter there. At Crabbin. The last one is one of the drunkest I've ever been in a movie theater. It's the absolute drunkest I've ever been. We were all, we, what happened is we all went to some weird

firefighter bar. We got so hammered and we were like, Andrew, you asked the bartender something, interesting. I convinced this young woman to sell me a bunch of beer without opening the beer cans, which in this state is against the law. Sure is.

Sure should be. And we were, you know, because we were getting ready to leave. By the way, this is the Friday of the 13th remake. Oh, yeah, 2009, the reboot, whatever. The platinum dunes remake. And to answer your question, yes, we were too old to do this for sure. Oh, absolutely. But it was one year before we had movies started.

So this was like we had movies junior, little W.HM. We didn't know any better. The movie theater was right across the street from the bar, and I had a backpack on. And I was like, look, can you sell me like four beers? and she was like I can't hope I have to open them it's the law

I was like come on and she's like yeah but my boss I was like come on please look at these eyes I go

well yeah look at these baby blues right now I go look we're going to see the new Friday the 13th movie and that's what sold her

she was like oh okay she totally understood so we go we go to the movie we see it hammered I'm drinking

I'm drinking these beers I may have told this story the problem is when you're in an an adult person and you start drinking in the afternoon things, the field, your capabilities as a person changed. Oh, yeah. You're like a half step from a caveman if you start drinking before five as an adult.

I distinctly remember when the credits came up on this movie, I started having the most pounding hangover. It was like, but like, boom, boom. I went up to go to the bathroom because I pounded four extra beers, like before the movie really started. And we got there late. I think I told the story at a different ride

of the 13th episode, but who cares. Movie starts. I have to go to the bathroom. I get up. I go to the bathroom. We were late, so it was really crowded.

It was opening night, of course. Theater was virtually sold out, so we're in the front. I come back from the bathroom. I don't remember where we're sitting. And it's this huge theater in Manhattan. And I'm standing there,

and I'm looking around. I'm like, I don't see those guys anywhere. Where are these egg heads. And then I look, and there's an empty. seat. And I'm just like, you know what? It's not like we're going to be talking anyway. And I go up to this girl and I'm like, excuse me, excuse me. Is this seat taken? And I scared the shit out of her. Of course he did. And she's just like, no. And I was like, okay. And I just

sat down and I fucking passed out after like 10 minutes. And I was kind of like waking up intermittently and just being like, ah, the movie's still on, huh? Back to bed. I'm sure you really made that girl's night oh i'm sure i did and i you know the funny thing was when the credits hit i opened my eyes and i could feel that like my head had been tilted back for a while i was guarantee you snoring in oh no yeah uh i had this at the bottom you know why because jason digs holes around crystal lake and he's a master tactician in this one you can fucking keep it he's got an ongoing chess match yes exactly i'm advancing my troops no no no No, you know, just remakes in general.

It's cynical. I don't like it. What I really hate about this movie is you replace your typical somewhat realistic teenagers who get slaughtered with like perfume models. Yes, yeah. And like this guy who like belongs in the Abercrombie commercial and not in this movie. Oh, there's all sorts of hunks and babes all over this movie.

Which they always do, but it's a little different. And then, you know, in my opinion. I mean, given all that and you know what, honestly, it could be rated lower than it is on my list but at the end of the day it was murder and murder is nice are you saying some of these movies don't have murder no they do but there's dumber murder

this is I mean don't get don't get me wrong Jason being tactician is stupid but I put it at number nine okay that's fair because I just five Freddy versus Jason and goes to hell I dislike slightly more by here

I understand it's at it's a dog shit test. I have it at 11. Okay. That you match Chris Cabin who has at 11. Yeah. You know, Jason goes to hell. I just hate that much more because it's the first one of movies we shouldn't be making. We shouldn't be making this. We shouldn't be making X. We shouldn't be making Freddie versus Jason and we shouldn't be remaking it. But that fucking Jason goes to hell was the first time we shouldn't be still making

these movies. But yeah, no, I rewatched it again after I wrote this list and maybe it would be like, a tiny bit higher not by a lot but the kills are all boring in the movie first of all except for the moment where you find out Jason is a master archer because he totally

shoots an arrow through the dude from Veronica Mars head like while he's driving that boat to be fair he's always a master archer he's like he could beat green arrow like anytime he's he's using a harpoon gun forget about it he split Robin Hood's arrow in half at the archery contest

in Nottingham Mary and fell in love with him? Oh, I remember that one. That's a good movie. That's a great one. I could go for Jason Warhe's time travel. Why not? Let's start it up.

He kind of time travels an X, though. Exactly, but let's go back. Let's have him start killing... Go the other way? Yeah, like sort of Army of Darkness. So let's do a quick little list round up. For me, I have number one is best to worst.

Four, six, one, three, two, seven, five, eight, nine, ten, Freddy versus Jason, then the remake. Right. All right. Number one is six, and then I'm just going to say that. Yeah. So six, three, four, one, two, seven, eight, X, remake, five, Freddie versus Jason, and number nine, Jason goes to hell at the bottom. Ah, okay, so I am best to worst.

one, two, six, four, three, seven, five, Freddy versus Jason, eight X remake, Jason goes to hell. Did I catch a nineer in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie? And for Chris's list, please go to Collider and read his wonderful article. Right, yeah, Collider.com. He recently tweeted it and his Twitter handles at Craven. Now, we are supposedly coming into a new Friday the 13th movie in 2016.

Oh, really? It's still slated to be released. Right. They pushed it back recently so it could be released on Friday the 13th, which makes sense. Yeah. It's done already? It's been filmed? I don't think so.

I don't really know because the thing about it is I stopped giving a shit about like set news and all that shit. So it's like when a movie comes out is like when a movie comes out and like when it's done, it's done. I will say if you go to projection list.com, which is an amazing website for like release. lease schedules and companies that are putting out movies or whatever. They have it here as Friday, May 13th, 2016. Paramount is supposedly putting out a new one and it's listed as being in 3D, which I mean, that's an ambitious release date too. Usually these are August-y or you want to go Halloween or early, you know,

wintertime movie break. Yeah, yeah. It's interesting to go summer with it. I mean, is it? I think that means they're, you know, they're putting some, I don't know. Thought into it. I was going to say thought, but it's really just. just money.

Yeah, money does not equal thought. Well, Eric, you still had the best idea for a Friday of the 13th movie that hasn't been made. I read that they might be doing it. Oh, really? This might be it. I don't know. I think they're doing it. Setting it in Crystal Lake, but during the winter.

Ooh. I mean, listen, Crystal Lake freezes over, right? Yeah, man. You know, a couple of these jerkoffs from town decide to play hockey on the lake. Oh, my God. It's right there. It's always been there. Listen, you just wrote 10 pages of that script.

You know what's actually interesting When you think about it These movies are so scratching They're beating their head against wall How do we make it different? There's never been one in the winter And you know That's the only thing you need to change

Is a goddamn temperature Now Jason's in a parka Yep That's so terrified Maybe it's more sparse Because it's more of a summer destination Oh see that's the thing Crystal Lake

Aside from being the Myrtle Capital of the world Is a summertime Doe off season resort town one of my fave places ever That's awesome Jason versus the townies Jason versus the townies Listen you get a little

Small Town radio DJ in there Cast me as the small town radio DJ Snowstorm Jason versus car trouble Not that he has car trouble But someone else is like Oh God hey buddy give me a hand with this Because you know he's a Hulk and dude in a jumpsuit Hey you extra from the Mentos commercial

Come lift my car Hey, Chip, Chet, Kip, whatever mechanic name you got. Come, please look them to the hood. And just, you know, if you want to hire an ostracized pervert living on his own, I'm available as well. Look at Paramount Pictures. You got it all right here at We Hate Movies. I could play a snowman. That's WHM on screen talking Friday the 13th.

Email us your franchise ratings, gang. We All Hate Movies at gmail.com. Until next time, I'm Andrew Juppin. Steven Tadack. Eric Sisko. Take it easy. Ch. We all go a little mad sometimes.

You know, it's Halloween. I guess everyone's a title of one good scare. Sometimes. That is better. Zombies are in the building. They're at the door. They're coming in. It is time.

to keep your appointment with the Wicterland. They're coming to get you, Barbara. A sick fuck's using one too many movies. Now, Sid, don't you blame the movies. Movies don't create psychos. Movies make psychos. More creative. Put the fucking ocean in the back.

What an excellent day for an exorcism. Ted, hey, Ted, where the hell is? arts crow! Shhh!