We Hate Movies - S6: WHM Mail Bag: Bad Movie Taste, Elderly Theater Patrons, and too Much Long John Silver's

Episode Date: June 30, 2016

On this edition of WHM Mail Bag, the guys welcome friend of the show, Ben Worcester, to read another round of zany letters! This time they're dealing with tales of rude, elderly movie theater patrons, Buffalo Wild Wings waiters with terrible taste in movie comedies, and dudes who eat way too much Long John Silvers before going to the movies! If you want your wild stories read on the air, or have questions for the gang, write into the Mail Bag: [e-mail]!Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Welcome to W.HM Mailback, everybody. I'm Andrew Jupin alongside Stephen Sadek, Eric Siska, and our good pal, Ben Worcester. Glad to be back. Yes. Hi, Ben. On the air greetings What are you doing here? I don't know

So we're going to read some letters Oh my God You're all right What is going on? We're just saying hello Just greetings all around, huh? That's a two all in your podcast Everybody's saying hello to each other

Well, traditionally on this show We read letters Oh my God Is there an ejector seat there If I shoot you through the fucking ceiling Let's get right to it because we got a lot of them. Steve Say it like, you want to take the first one?

Sure, it starts. The first word is, hello all. So that's good. Just wanted to drop the line about your comment in your review of Speed 2. First of all, these aren't reviews. I just want to really get that out. Yeah, you know, some people say that.

A lot of people say the reviews. Yeah, these aren't reviews. These are reviews the same way, like, what's that stupid Drew Carey improv show? Who's line is it anyway? The Drew Carey show. Well, it's like how whose line is anyways Like a game show

No, it's not It's like how Drew Carey's a comedian Oh, come on Oh, he was Drew Carey's a funny guy, man He just got stuck hosting the prices right All right, so I just wanted to drop a line About your Speed 2 episode

As the way we like to call it About the Fox logo sounding out of tune The Fox logo is re-recorded for this film Because the director wanted a seamless segue From the Fox logo into the main statement of the speed theme. Your comment that it was out of tune is close. They use the traditional arrangement,

but it's different tempo, different performers, and it's not the same piece of music that gets slugged in front of 99% of the Fox films. Ooh. One interesting note about the Fox fanfare, which I guess is the name of the track.

Like, if you buy the album, it'll be called the Fox fanfare. Oh, did you get the new Fox fanfare? It's 13 tracks of Bap-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-ha. Every year they release the same one over and over again until you got the year of Speed 2. Yeah.

With that different track. I will say... It was worth it. Star Wars still just didn't feel entirely right without it. Yeah, it was weird. You're talking about New Hope? Or Force Awakens. Oh, they're the same movie.

Ha! Oh, nice Freudian slip, you fat podcaster. I fucking got you now. I'm commenting on a message board. It's the same movie. Oh, that's our other guest is Paul W. Reddit is here. Hi. Yeah, he's sticking around.

You know what, Steve, that's a keeper. Paul W. Reddit. I'm sorry. Fox Fanfare is written by the film composing legend, Alfred Newman, who is head of the Fox Music Department for 20 years. His son's David and Thomas are also composers.

Wow. And Uncle Randy Newman is a national treasure. This is fascinating. Wow. Is a national treasure that's the get the fuck out of it. Also, you don't like Randy Newman?

No. He doesn't like short people. He loves L.A. Fed a Monica Boulevard. Hollywood Boulevard. It's insane. It's just like this crazy, weird man that got money. I don't get the love for Randy Newman.

I don't. Thing about Monsters, Inc. Everybody needs a friend. This shows you that Wesley Willis should have really gotten further, right? It's the same thing. Minus the headbutting. Headbutting is a big plus. Oh, headbutty you don't like Tor Story.

You know, I was headbutted by Wes. Willis. Were you? Yeah. I saw him live in concert one time. One of the single biggest waste of time in my life. The other one was meeting Pope France. Yeah, that was real time

suck. No, if you met Pope Benedict, that's a waste. That guy was like a fucking nothing Pope. Yeah. He was a real lame duck Pope. Yeah, he was. In and out of their one term. Anyway, Welcome to Pope chat. The interesting thing

is the Newman Estate actually controls the logo usage. So a Fox wants to fuss with its own logo. They have to get permission from the Newman Estate to re-record it. It's a rare occurrence, but it happens from time to time. Other tweaks to the Fox fanfare are an Alien 3. Elliot Goldenthal

did a really creepy arrangement of it. David Newman also rearranged it for War of the Roses. Who could care? And Rio Rio 2 did a samba arrangement of it as well. Well, I would have missed that because who's watching Rio 2? Paul W. Reddit loves that.

It's a better movie than the Force Awakens. By the way, did you know that Jar Jor Bing's actually a Sith Lord? I still believe that. He was. He's the best character. Download this PDF that I have on my Tumblr tells you all about it. At least Rio 2 didn't have a Mary Sue.

It had a toucan. That toucan at least learned what it needed to learn by the end of the film. And you believed it. He had a good character arc. Maybe you should look it up. We're still finding Paul W. Reddit here. I love the show.

Thanks for ripping it to a lot of movies I've worked on over the years. It's fun to relive them. I'm not going to sell what this guy works at, but his name is Chris. Thank you, Chris. There you go. All right, Eric Siska. All right. Andrew Jubin.

Hello. You have to read. Oh, hi. Hello. Hey there. Crushes and Crushed Hopes. That's the subject line. Hey gang, first of all, I want to thank you guys for providing so much entertainment over the years.

You're welcome. You've made my 9 to 5 data entry hell a little bit more bearable for about four years now. I can definitely say that my two favorite moments from memory are the Jim Belushi open letter to the GPS navigation programs at the end of the taking care of business episode or the quality letterbox reviews Eric pulled for the end of grownups too. Those episodes were both pretty damn jokes. Hold on, that's not in the letter. Eric just made that up. Just sneaking in compliments. I would like to say that Eric Siska is the greatest podcaster that's ever lived.

Eric Siska is the best. All W. Reddit. Anyway, since there seems to be a theme of questionable movie choices and dating partners in the recent mailbags, I figured I would throw my hat into the ring. Up front, I want to tell you that I am a gay gentleman who, at the time of this story, had an amazingly poor gaydar. In the state I live rhymes with Bexas. Oh, Ohio. Yes, man. It's a rough road. Oh, I think it's actually pronounced. Bejas. Asking a rando dude out without knowing if they bat for your team can lead to a homophobic

earful if you're lucky is that that must be a new that must be a new thing oh the homophobic earful yeah oh oh man they just developed that yeah i think it's uh no i think that's uh i think that's older than time itself probably tale as old as time so when i tell you that i was ready to ask a guy out on a date know exactly how much i was willing to risk the guy i was crushing on was a waiter at the local buffalo wild wings you can stop right there pal Just move it along. That'd be great if it turned out that this story had nothing to do with Gainar, and it was just he realized he was at a Buffalo Wild Wings.

That is hell. Listen, I went to a Buffalo Wild Wings precisely one time. It was in the middle of Nowheresville, Virginia. You got hot dog nuggets? Dude, they got hot dog nuggets? They have hot dog nuggets. No, I just got chicken wings, and they were really spicy, and I thought I was going to have a fit because there was like 30-9.

TV's playing at once and they all had different things on. I wanted to die. Buffalo Wild Wings. Not future sponsor. We have standards. Cute stocky, tan-skinned

friendly and he always had his hair in a Mohawk which was a plus in my book. Now we're talking. I went that night with my best friend for support. This was the night. Real quick. He probably doesn't mean like full on mohawk right

this is a faux hawk this is got to be what they'd call a fashion hawk yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah the fat guy fohawk commonplace about circa 10 years ago or circa Buffalo Wild Wings

anytime in the present it's timeless there's a photo like Jack Torrance in the Shining but it's a fat guy with a faux hawk hey bruh you've been here the whole time You're waiting for your fucking cheesy Parmesan wings the whole time.

Man, chicken wings that go away from like the Buffalo sauce formula, just shut the fuck up. Yeah, I mean, we figured it out. Why experiment? Dude, I don't need these fucking garlic parmesan wings. It's disgusting. Don't want to have it. None of it. Maui pineapple, sweet onion chicken wings.

Fucking stop. What? Dude, that's a thing? Buffalo. Wild Wings has, like, varieties of chicken wings. Well, this is the wild part, huh? That's where the wings get. The wild wings.

Sorry, I keep interrupting to complain about chicken wings. Oh, hello. Hello. This was the night. It was going to happen. While we were waiting for our server to get there, we began discussing some of our favorite dialogue in films. Lo and behold, my crush was our waiter that night,

and he arrived right as we were finishing chuckling about some of the snappy dialogue and kiss kiss bang bang great movie yeah it's good good good movie he asked he asked us what we're talking about and i tell him oh just a funny movie just funny movie lines in in my dumbstruck kind of way so i think i delivered it probably right because i was stumbling over the words he responded with oh i'm a huge movie fan that's oh this is a dubious proposition just like who says they're fans of Movies, the wrong kind of people. I am a fan of a movies, and I can tell you that that movie is the same as this movie. It's just like someone saying like, oh, I'm into music. Oh, are you? Do you also enjoy breathing air? Do you have ears? My friend said that my eyes immediately lit up, and then he watched as the light slowly drained into sadness and despair as he kept going.

He said, oh, yeah. I love comedy movies, especially stuff like Starsky and Hutch and Your Highness. Oh, man. Well, maybe I could salvage this. Show him some good comedy movies. Open his tastes up. And then The Killing Blow landed. Oh, my favorite movie of all time is The Love Guru.

Oh, no. That's a guy that goes to Best Buy and just buys like three movies a week just to have them. And he hasn't seen him yet. He's going to get him. He's these people that blindly buy DVDs. Never blind by. No. it's a mistake also i'll say i think your highness is kind of a funny movie i i kind of agree with you

david gordon green it had me laughing ben worcester i never saw it nope starski and hutch on the other end is fucking stupid yeah it's like a phoned in ben stiller thing yeah yeah yeah yeah and your highness by the way several pictures of water oh without glasses in a whole group that little like stoned puppet that's in that movie that thing's pretty There's like a dollar store Muppet thing that they have. It got me going. It's not a great movie, but I don't know. You're just a movie fan, Andrew.

Oh, that's right. Just a fan of the movies. I just love movies. I just love movies. I respond. Okay, now he just, now to bring us back to speed, he just said that his favorite movie was the love guru. That's a death fucking. I responded with, oh, that's good.

cool. I think we're ready to order. My garlic parmesan wings never tasted. Oh, no. They ordered the garlic farm, man. Wow. Four years later, I'm... Well, he does say they never tasted more disappointing. Yeah, that had nothing to do with that social interaction. It was just that you were eating

garlic parmesan chicken wings from Buffalo Wild Wings. So he upright abandons this pursuit of this gentleman. Eject button. Four years later, I'm dating a wonderful guy who shares my taste in film and chicken wings. Well, as long as you're Happy, pal.

Jake from Dallas, Texas. Maybe that's the nice... Why'd you say it rhymes with Texas and then sign it? I mean, what'd you say rhymes with Bexas? You're trying to... Oh, I get it now. He had me bamboozle. But I think that that's the good move.

If you feel like you're in a situation where maybe like someone's interested in you and you're just for whatever reason I'm interested in them, be like, oh, you know what my favorite movie is? The Love Guru. And then that's... That'll just put water in that situation. But dude, what happens?

if that person responds in kind like if you're trying to use this as an out and then you get this guy the Buffalo Wild Wings waiter and he's like oh me too oh no then you gotta marry him yeah you're obligated to it's true because you found the only other person on the planet

whose fucking favorite movie is that shit ass Mike Myers love guru you know what you can say what you want about the love group but at least it's got an original plot and it's not just recycling something from 1877 and you know the thing about it too is that Mike Myers is just going to all sorts of deeper levels of comedy with every viewing.

With every viewing, I find something new in the nukes and grannies of love guru. You know where I didn't find that? Force Awakens those fucking creatively bankrupt fucks. Check out my Tumblr for more. I love that guy. All right, Ben Worcester. Was that still Paul W. Reddit? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I think so. Yeah. It's all the same guy. It's three guys talking as if it's one person. I primarily use Reddit, but I dabble in Tumblr. We are legion. We speak with one voice. We are Paul W. Reddit.

Careful, you get a little Ventura there. That's a little bit. All right, Ben Wester. The hive mind. Penis Giff. Oh, my word. Fortune. Oh, ew. Fortune.

My personal favorite is the dick butt. I don't even know what you're talking about that. Yeah, it is. That's some dark corners of the internet. Deep wrong word. It appears in very popular jiffs. Oh, hello, Ben. Oh, hello.

Hi, Eric. Hey, hey. All right. Letter number three. Showdown at the Angelica. Big Apple, 3 a.m. I just played that last night. It's a great game.

Huh? I played that last night. Played what? Turtles in time. Oh, is that what that front? Yeah. Oh, excuse me. It's the Baxter Stockman level.

Big Apple. 3 a.m. Oh, cool. Is this redder? Sorry, Ben. Showdown at the Angelica. Dear, we hate movies mailbag. Oh, this is a big one.

It's a heart of man. Get reading, boy. I wanted to share with you an incident that happened to me a few months ago back at everyone's favorite NYC movie theater. the Angelica. Booh. Yeah, he's being sarcastic because it's the worst movie theater in the city.

Yeah, if you like listening to trains totally in your movie. This dude does go on to specify, though, that he was in the only theater that you can watch movies in there.

You know, they should only show the Luminare brothers. Or the taking of Pelham, one, two, three. Yeah. Oh, man,

the surround sound of this. You know, both versions. Oh, totally. That way. Bunghole, motherfucker double feature. Oh, yeah. Little Walter Matt, though.

Oh, you know, they did... Speaking of lick my bunghole, motherfucker, they did that Shia LaBuff marathon there. Oh, that's right. Yeah, those people are responsible for that. You know what? Good for them, because that's the only way to see those movies is it a bad situation.

What was that? Was that like a performance art thingy? It was. Yeah. Supposedly, yeah. And the idea was that you're supposed to just watch him. No, the idea was that he was that he's watching himself.

Right. All right. It's about him. But then you go there and you watch him watching himself. Oh, my God. And then everybody jerks each other off and leaves. That's. And posts to Instagram about it.

I didn't know it was that kind of a movie thing. Oh, I'm allowed to jerk off door and holes. Finally. Man, I was always partial to the Battle of Shaker Heights. Oh, yikes. Project Greenlight, man. Oh, yeah, man. His, his hair was nice and fruffy in there.

sorry bad oh i had been enjoying an early matinee showing of michael moors where to invade next great movie i was lucky enough to be in theater five so there was no no gentle rumble of the subway passing every 10 minutes i didn't know there was a yeah if you can get the theater one of the two theaters that's under the escalator yeah good did that sound great by the way you could be under the escalator and not hear the train. Well, it's not like Harry Potter's closet. It's a fucking movie theater. It might as well be Harry Potter's fucking bunghole, motherfucker.

Oh, wow. Figuitticus. Another fortune comments. Click send. Little did I know that entirely different interruptions were soon coming my way. A little over an hour into the screening, the door at the back of the auditorium opens and stays open. letting a ray of light in to illuminate the theater.

What is going on here? I wonder. Sorry. No, I like it. The light is just, it's interrupting his movie. Then I noticed the door is being held open by an elderly woman while her even older friends waddles in with a walker, which she's having extra difficulty with as she's balancing a big tub of popcorn in one of her hands.

Oh, come on. America. This is when I, my favorite thing to say in New York when I get fucking livid is figure it out. Oh, yeah. When you'll find people on top of the subway looking, they have to wait until the top of the subway to see which one they want to get on. I just say, figure it out. I need to pick that up because I've just been muttering curses. People respond negatively to profanity, I've found.

Oh, wow. But a good figure it out, yeah. Figure it out they don't know what to do. it's kind of worse than saying go fuck yourself oh yeah because you're like you're insulting their brain at the same time but if you're in a movie theater somebody's holding the door open you go figure it out and then they're like okay oh i guess i better figure it out well that's something gave me a job it does it does sound like it's a confused old woman

yeah so no excuses probably look you don't want me to be ageist figure out that fucking door situation lady how about that you can't have it both Yeah, get pushing up daisies if you can't figure it out. Exactly. Either figure it out or don't get mad when I tell you you shouldn't be leaving the house. All right. Let's see what our friend, oh, no name on this one. Wonder what's going to happen.

The balance in the popcorn. The film was playing on two screens. in the theater. So clearly this was a case of confusion with the two women wandering into the wrong auditorium. Ordinarily, I don't like to interrupt any film-going experience to converse with a stranger, but

perhaps more had inspired me to feel a little heroic. That's a little dangerous. Careful. Liberal warrior here. So I stood up and walked to the woman who had been holding the door to inform

her of her mistake. First of all, engaging people to think. Excuse me, I said. This is the 1230 showing. I think you're probably here for the two showing. That's Theater 1. Expecting a thank you. I paused and waited for a response.

Ooh, this gets salty here. Instead, she leans toward me and says, mind your own business, sir. Sir. shocked I respond with I'm trying to help you you're in the wrong theater

this showing will be over in about 20 minutes there's another one that is just beginning she she then hit me in the arm and shoved me a painless encounter she was old

he sounds a little upset about it he does and shouted at me don't bother me they'd be great if she shouted figure it out See, the problem is these old people with the movie houses, right? They come from a time where you paid like a nickel and you could sit in a movie theater all day.

And just fucking shit on the floor. You could just fucking put up camp, man, and just sit there, watch newsreels. Yeah, watch the boys come home in boxes. And then a cartoon to cheer the mood. Totally. And then Charles Chaplin made you laugh. Yeah. But that's the thing.

They don't care about like when, because there weren't. Show times. Like, you just paid and you walked in. So it's like, people didn't give a shit about, like, at what point they watched, you know, the movie from. And there was a guy playing the piano up there. Oh, yeah. Or if it was...

If you felt generous, that's a lot of money. If it was a really nice place, that dude was playing a pipe organ. Like a real big palace. So this is a flapper then that's wandered into this movie theater. Yes, that's what I was getting at. She's a retired flapper. She's getting flapper pension? Flapper pension

She gets money from flapping Back then When we had like social programs And probably Let's hear she's grandfathered in I'm flummoxed and so He's just been shoved Oh right back to the shove

By an old lady I'm flummoxed and start to back away But not before saying to her You're the one bothering all of us, madame, by noisily hopping into a movie, 90 minutes late. Enjoy the ending, you old bag. Did you think this guy just said madame, like, in real life, or was he dressing it up for the mailbag?

And then maybe you're writing that, you're like, maybe I'll put a madame in here. He's inventing a courtesy. I bet it was ma'am. Yeah, ma'am. And then he was like, well, I got to sound good at the weird. movies gangs. Oh, yeah, these classics.

What is, what is, yeah, let me fill that out. What it is, because of the full. It is separated. Written out here,

it's got its own paracomas separating it out. So it is kind of up on a pedestal. Couple, couple commas there. Well done, by the way.

I appreciate a good madame. Yeah. I mean, you'd see some of the punctuation we get in these emails. Actually, guys, it's madame. Wait,

madame. no that's that's something else maybe that's what this lady retired from being oh I'm a madam Hollywood madam yeah shit dude no wonder she's so aggressive Angelica cat house you know in my day

this used to be a cat house we walked in whenever the fuck we felt like this statement while a little cruder language than I'm known to use. Wow. So he, this is a real polite person. Well, does that mean he edited it for our benefit to make it a little less intense or that this was intense? No, this is like when Ned Flanders says darn and then apologizes for using salty language.

Oh, okay. So this is, we got a real, like, class act person here. A gentleman, yeah, a dandy. There you go. I appreciate it. It garnered applause. Wow. I'm another attendee sitting not far away.

Nice. All right. I know that this is the kind of situation that was made for finding a manager, but knowing the staff of the Angelica is not always on their toes, I decided to just sit and watch the rest of the film. You might as well get a fucking train conductor. They're going to help you better at the Angelica than it got him. Yeah, open the fire eggs and it goes out in the fucking subway station.

He's also, he's basically saying he wants to go tattle on this old lady. Yeah. Oh, that is a great A tattling. Can you imagine, like, going up to some take-a-taker who doesn't care? This 90-year-old woman just shoved me. Listen, for several years as a youth, I was one of those ticket-takers, and believe me, we didn't give a flying fuck. But does it happen? What?

People came out and tattled? Yeah, yeah. It's like, oh, yeah, yeah, I'll be right in. Do you have to go escort any elderly people out of the theater? No, I would kick kids out from time to time. Like, kids were being disruptive. One time this dude came up and he goes, hey, I know the like 645 screening of Oceans 11 is sold out,

but my family's already in there and they didn't get me a ticket. I'll give you $20 if you just let me in. I was like, yeah, sure, buddy, go right in. Little did that guy know. The screening totally was not sold out. Yeah. I like it. It's been 20 bucks off of that roob.

you've been grifton ever since I got a taste for the grift oh where are we where are we in this book essay however I'm mostly I believe however I'm mostly watching the woman

who hit me who starts scrolling through emails on her cell phone immediately after sitting down no I'm getting a little worked up good God well you can't cut coupons on a cell phone I'm staring her down so much that I completely miss Michael Moore explaining why America could learn a thing or two from Tunisia

That segment was about women's rights Just remind that guy Okay Yeah Okay This is why you listen to We hate movies Yeah so wait So they've got better women's rights

Well they're talking about how like women in Tunisia had finally fucking had enough of the dickarchy and fucking rose up in a revolution. Is that a real term? No, I just made that up right now. But I thought it sounded pretty sharp. Is it like a sicko where he goes to different countries? And he's like, wait, are you telling me you don't have universal health insurance? Or you do have universal health insurance?

What? And he goes there to every single country for about hour and 45 minutes? Yeah, but it's like different issues. He just goes there and he's like, how do you handle? You're prisons, and they're, like, much better than you. And he goes to another place, and it's like, how do you handle school lunches? And they go, well, much better than you. And so on.

So this guy, my mind is filling with ideas of what I'll see. He's just stewing. Stewing in his seat over here. So I killed her. The next thing I know, I come to it, and she's dead on the floor. That's why popcorn is everywhere. That's why I didn't leave his name. because he murdered.

And I'm holding up the B train which is trying to come through the goddamn theater. I escaped on the train to Tunisia. My mind is filling with ideas of what I'll say once the film ends and I can give a

proper I told you so speech without disrupting anyone else's movie experience. But about 10 minutes later the woman somehow realized her mistake and she and her friend, get up and noisily scuttle out of the theater. Great word. Scuttle.

Old people do scuttle. Yeah. It's their brittle bones. Yeah, it's practically an exoskeleton. The little Independence Day alien. I do my best to lock eye contact with the woman as she passes by me. Yeah. Do that stinker.

Once I catch her eye, I gleefully wave goodbye with a a flapping wrist and a toothy grin. Oh, yeah. He is a dandy. The film ends not long after that. After being thanked by a few other audience members on my way out, I contemplate going into the other auditorium, showing the film and suffocating her.

Finding the two women and taking a seat next to them to show them what it's like to be on the other end of someone ruining a movie. But no. But no. That's how it's written. Uh-huh. Standing alone. I decide I'm better than that and will remain the hero this time.

Hero. Right, now this is going to his head. Like, it didn't like a half hour ago. And just envision a day when the elder film disruptors are preemptively dealt with and some Logan's run-esque euthanasia. Whoa. I agree with this. You can technically.

I think it'll be too old to go to the movies. But here's the thing, it's like once that happens, then you realize, wait a minute, now I'm the old man in the theater. When will they come from me? Well, I would know the age restrictions, and then I would just sit home with Blu-rays. But I can't see the new X-Men movie.

Oh, yeah, you're the old guy sitting around with those Blu-rays? Like, you're not using like eyedisks or whatever the fuck we're doing in 2030s. Yeah, that's actually true. just put this disc in your eyes it'll happen have you ever had a particularly

aggressive or violent encounter with someone at the cinema asks this fellow although has this been specified that it's a boy or a girl is it a gentleman? Is it a gentleman? Yeah I think it's a gentleman thank you for all that you do there are others out there with similar shows to yours

thank you all right But nobody does it better than all of you. See, wait till the end of the sentence. Oh, and here, this is the capper here. Keep up the good work, comma, gentle sirs. Oh, yeah. Now we're talking. When these gentle sirs get together, there's a gentle rumble.

It's like a train going by. I will say one thing about the, you know, when you get all worked up and you're trying to work up the courage to say something. By the time that fucking comes out, it's all backwards. upside down. It's like, yeah, that's right because you're an ass. It's like, what did you just say when you run away? Yeah, it's never right. Like I said on the, our previous episode on the movie SWATs, right.

These two old, an old, an elderly couple were making derogatory comments for, you know, me eating popcorn. What? And my response was to tell the old woman to go fuck herself. And it turned out they didn't like it. It's a pretty good one. Yeah. But see, it's tough, though. For the rest of that story, you can go to the episode.

Yeah, it's tough, though, because in that instance, someone talking shit to you about doing something as ridiculous as eating popcorn, figure it out doesn't work. No. So there's got to be another figure it out-esque. Oh, my God, because after I said the fuck yourself and they were getting angry, it was like, everyone's now looking at us. Now I have to start narrating to the audience. Like, you're yelling at us for eating popcorn? So I'm like, I'm trying to get everyone on my side. You have to.

You need public opinion on your side in those situations. Because otherwise, to a third party, it's just two assholes yelling at each other. It's like, you know, gladiator combat, the roar of the crowd. You need it. You need the audience. Win them, you win your freedom. Right, Ben? Is freedom popcorn?

Yes. All right. Here we go. And the promise of more popcorn. What have you just said, figure it out and threw popcorn at them? Figure this out. That would have been a better one. A better way to handle it, I think.

All right, here we go. Thanks for the spoilers, Dad. Dear Andrew, Stephen, Eric, and the ghost of Chris Cabin, R-I-P-D. Huge fan of the show. I was just turned on to your podcast after your Batman v. Superman yawn of justice episode. I like that. That got me going, too. I bet it did.

And I have subsequently burned through the back catalog. I have a question regarding movie spoilers. Flashback to the pre-internet age. All right, let's go. Oh, my God. There's no internet. It was the school holidays, and I was settling down to watch Star Trek the Motion Picture. Nice.

Being a huge fan of TNG, and having the TV to myself and an afternoon free of the tyranny of my little brother, I relished the opportunity. Fuck yeah. The already daunting for a 12-year-old runtime was made even more daunting by the addition of frequent commercial breaks, but I was determined to absorb this classic piece of sci-fi filmmaking.

I was 12 years old, so don't judge me too harshly. Hey, I like that movie. I do like it. I didn't like it as much when I was younger, but I feel like it's gotten better with age, at least for me. Yeah, it's distracting, though, because that one dude's now admitted pedophile. Wait, you know, William Shatter?

Stephen Collins Yeah the young guy Yeah that piece of shit I was in the middle of a 7th Heaven rewatch When that happened Why I don't know I watched a shitty television Are you convicted too?

No I wait and by the way Rewatch as in you had seen 7th heaven before It wasn't it wasn't airing at the time Oh so you were going through like a 7th heaven cherry pop Yeah yeah yeah Yeah I didn't say that word But you said it I said it and then you agreed It tricked me into it is what happened here.

I think that's what Stephen Bones said. That guy sucks. But that movie, I think, is pretty great. I do too. It's a classier science fiction film. I mean, they're basically using 2001 to rip off, but, you know, that's fine. Anyway, I was mesmerized by the visual effects and the rich, full-bodied hairpiece that William Shatner was wearing. You're not wrong there.

This film had it all, and nothing could possibly ruin this for me. that was until my dad entered the room bringing me some lunch and said I've seen this it turns out that Viger is actually the Voyager 6 probe and walked straight out I learned a valuable lesson about disappointment that day I was wondering if you guys have ever had an experience

similar to mine That sucks. Regards Andrew from Nottingham England well you know your dad's an asshole but I get that I didn't have a spoiler that by the way to start track the motion picture by the way Oh, whatever. It's a fucking 40-year-old movie. I'll say this. It didn't happen to me, but hilariously, one time we're sitting around,

and again, this is like 40-year-old movie, so it shouldn't matter. But somehow, we're at my parents' house, and one flew over the cuckoo's nest came up, and my mom goes, oh, you know, it's so sad in that movie when Jack Nicholson gets the lobotomy at the end. And my wife goes, yeah, I haven't seen that. Come on. Well, first of all, it's not a lobotomy, right? It's the shock treatment. No, I think it's...

What, they don't cut into them, do they? I thought they did. They take a little brain? They do. Oh my God, I got to rewatch it. Yeah, I think that they get shock treatment and then they escalate to... Oh, yeah. Because he's going to tell, he's going to tell on Ratchet, man.

Oh, it turns out I was watching Sucker Punch. My bad. How dare you? Yeah, I mean, like, that just sucks. I do think that you shouldn't lead with pop... Like, I mean, there are statutes of limitations. It's a hard one. Well, the thing is, like, if you have a 12-year-old kid that, come on.

If you haven't shown him Star Trek the Motion Picture, he hasn't seen it. Yeah, clearly he has not yet carved out time to watch Star Trek the Motion Picture. I'm on your side, Andrew. Not you, Andrew. Other Andrew from Nottingham, England. That's right. Question. Yes, Ben.

Does the fact that, because I'm playing this line over in my head in an English accent, And it doesn't, it makes it seem not as bad. Like it's just a little British quip and then, off he goes. Answer, that's how they talk all the time. I don't know. It's still the same, it's still communication. Yeah, it's still spoiling the movie. It turns out British was English the whole time.

Okay, this is me, a real life invisible child. Hi, me. Oh, God. Hey, Steve. Hi, Andrew. Hey, gang. first of all I want to thank you blah blah blah I do a little bit of traveling for my job

and we hate movies is perfect for those long car trips thanks so much which brings me to this story geez way to be fucking sarcastic Steve this person's being genuine in their email I mean seriously they're pouring their heart out to you just being a real fucking Viger about it why don't you probe this

oh man a fucking Viger I was on the train there's like three Vigres just as past week I was driving from Cincinnati back home to Pittsburgh and he gives this whole address which is about five and a half hour drive so of course I had a few episodes of my playlist but this story starts when I was returning to the rental car I pulled up to the rental place and an older couple pulls in behind me

they were returning a rental too they were pretty obviously well off financially but the husband had hair that reminded me of Doc Brown and back to the future. That's how I'd look if I was rich, not giving a fuck. Was he also wearing ridiculous sunglasses and a radiation jumpsuit?

He's putting garbage in his gas tank. I need fuel. We got to go back before the internet. I should have done something that was right up after that. The woman gets my attention, apologizes for the gum in the back seat.

She says that she and her husband had a vehicle last week and their husband was chewing and their daughter was chewing gum and they got some on the back seat. I assured the rental place must have cleaned it and I went to fill out my paperwork. While I'm in there, the couple apologizes to the staff for the gum in the back seat

and stressed the fact that their daughter is young and really doesn't know any better. I found it a little weird that this couple who were definitely in their late 50s or early 60s seemed to have a very young child, but I brushed it off. So wait, this couple apologized to this person thinking that they worked at the car rental place? Yeah.

Is that the idea? Yeah, I think that they're just going up to anyone who will listen. Oh, yeah. Sounds about right. Where they take that kid from? We'll find out, Eric. I bet it's a kidnapping. I finish all the paperwork and get a ride back to my house.

As we're driving, I mentioned the fact that I didn't notice anything wrong with the car, so it must have been cleaned between uses. The girl's driving me home goes silent for a second and two. Then something that freaked me the fuck out. They don't have a kid. They mention her all the time. but she doesn't exist. There was no gum on that seat.

Oh, my God. They're harmless otherwise. Bones, chill. My antenna is going up right now. This was a real Invisible Child. That's what the thing said, yeah. I know that during your episode, Invisible Child, when someone asked who could come up with this,

well, here you go. The reality of the situation is that a rich couple in Pennsylvania that rent scars all the time has an invisible child. Maybe that'll inspire the lifetime to film Invisible Child, too, the Quickening. Oh, I like that, killing all the other Invisible Children? Cutting their Invisible Heads off? That's creepy shit, man, though.

That's a creepy story. Thanks for all the best, John. That's so fucking creepy. Wow. It's even creepier that someone at a rental car place gives you a ride home. Never had that before. So our final letter tonight. We've got to join hands for this one, guys.

Throwing up The Day After Tomorrow Ooh Dear We Hate Movies Your Last Mailbag Highlighted a story About a really bad movie day Pizza Roll guy

Oh, that dude was a monster I don't think I can top that But I've got a story that Top that Top that Hi Ben Hello You may get

A chuckle out of Okay When I was a senior in high school Anyone going to the prom Was allowed to leave at lunchtime in order to get ready for that night sick prom night guys oh yeah dude starring jamie lee

Curtis and Leslie Nielsen yeah you get out early to sharpen your knives set your traps hang out in an abandoned school absolutely I had no plans to go to prom go figure but I did want that sweet sweet half day

hell yeah you deserve it man or lady so I just left along with everyone else and nobody was the Nice. The perfect crime. I mean, I don't think anyone gave a shit. Did you have to show the hall monitor your prom ticket before you left the building? All right, you better come back on the tuxedo or else I'm being duped. Mother, a 17-year-old boy fooled me at work today.

He wasn't at prom at all. I'll show him. I'll pick him up at him. eight. Now you're going to the prom with me, Buster. Get in the back of my car, young man. Get in here. Oh, no, it turns out I'm the prom knife killer.

So he kills this kid, and that's the end of the story. A short one. No. I am juggling. I just read ahead a second, and a certain food franchise name just churned my stomach. Oh, oh, oh, all right. Okay, here we go. Here we go.

Here we go. Just the buffalo wild wings? No, this is, yeah, this is worse. Oh, it's, this is work. This is dog food. This is under sizzler, my friend. There was a movie theater within walking distance of the school and a Long John Silver. No, man.

I had my afternoon all planned out. No, you didn't. Yeah, you did. This is it. Listen to the plan. This is great. This is like running through a big plan in a war movie. Here we go.

I'd go to Long John Silver's. Chow down. Pardon me, Long John. We're cutting out of the silver here. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. This is a frequent visitor. He's on a casual name basis.

Which, by the way, why would you want, like, to conno with your eating establishment, like, musty underwear? Like, that's what long, I think, like, a long johns. Winter underwear. Yeah. Yeah, they keep your legs and ass warm. Not just that, my friend. I'd go to Long John's, chow down, then go see the day after tomorrow. What an awful day.

Which had just come out. It was that opening weekend, guys. Oh, wait. I'm doing the math on this one. I think I know where it's going. Do you? Just fucking get ready. Hey, Eric.

Hey, Steve. I was a pretty unhealthy kid back then, Steve. Oh, wait. Now let's get back to the letter. I was a pretty unhealthy kid back then. I didn't really care about eating well. so I proceeded to order the eight-piece family meal deal. Hachy, machi.

This was my mistake. It came with four pieces of fish, four pieces of chicken, hush puppies, and two sides. I got fries and clotheslaw. Man, those Long John Silver's hush puppies, by the way, those are like little grease balls. I've never had. You've had it? Oh, yeah. It's just like fried, it's like a fried outside and just like raw cornmeal dough on the inside.

It's disgusting. It's disgusting. Soilent green. It was a hot May day. And out of shame for what I was eating, I got my food to go. I walked to the movie parking lot, found a secluded spot, and started chowding down. How is that worse? How is that better than eating inside?

It's much worse, because now you're just a weird fat kid eating an eight-piece family meal in the parking lot. Next to the garbage, I would imagine. Oh, yeah, you're behind a dumpster. You might be under a tree, but you're all. Also behind a dumpster. We used to frequent tall glasses of water outside of a Taco Bell there. Oh, yeah. That's what Taco Bell parking lots are for.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I've been there. You're waiting for drug dealers and then you're sampling the product. Also, I mean, the Taco Bell is right there. It's one-stop shopping. An OB-Skunk had frequented. I've never seen a skunk. Is that a variety, bro?

Is that one of the street? Oh, man, I got that OB skunk. No, no. All right, I've got some fun. fucking sick diesel fruit loops. I've got some of that new OB fucking skunk, I got some long john silver. Some long johns.

No, this is a 38 pound skunk. Oh, what? Eating fucking, like, you know, chalupas. And you saw this thing in the flesh? Yeah, man. It was, it was harrowing. You're positive it wasn't a little fat kid. What a weird-looking little fat kid he would have been.

They're out there. Oh, check that. Check that out, man. All right. So is that it? That's the story. So nobody got sprayed. You just, your story is you saw something.

I saw a fat skunk. Moving on. Stop. Hey, stop. Hey, hey, hey, that story stunk. Yikes. Wickewild. Wickewild West. Hi, Eric.

Why are we saying? that. I don't know. Hey, Ben. Puzzling. So, Ben, yes. Oh, wait, this gets even worse. Keep going. Yeah. So, Ben, I, I, uh, you know what I did? I, I downed an entire meal in about 30 minutes. Sounds reasonable. And I washed it all down with a two liter of mountain dew. A two leader of mountain dew. No. It's a lot of long time. This is irresponsible. Yes. Yes. I realize now how insanely bad and stupid this was. Well, sure. I had about 3,000 calories in one sitting, not to mention all the grease that

started churning in my guts. At this point, you're a bag of Long John Silver's. You're not even a person anymore. You're a meal of Long John Silver. Long John Silver's chicken, by the way. Excuse me, are you guys disparaging

the good name of Mountain Dew? Sorry, Paul W. Reddit. Mountain Dew keeps the internet running down vote. and with the extreme heat the coleslaw had already started to smell a little funky as I finished it but I was committed to my plan

and walked into the theater the cool AC made me feel revitalized so I grabbed a small Sierra mist to drink during the movie a small it was a small which in the movie theater is two liters

there were only three other people there an old couple, another kid from my school who must have had a similar plan. I don't know about that. Did you see him at Long Johns? I feel like this kid had a sandwich and that was the end of it. Oh, no, but maybe that guy went to like a Pizza Hut lunch buffet.

Oh, God. Those are unstoppable. It's $8 all you can eat Pizza Hut. That sounds disgusting. Oh, it's filth. It's fucking filth. It's the filthiest way you can spend $8. You've never been to.

the Angelica Cat House before. I sat down and felt fine as the preview started. This changed pretty quickly since the air conditioner in this specific theater wasn't working. The room was already warm and started to grow hotter. He's sweating cold slo-n-nay-nays

out of his skin. I began to sweat. My stomach started gurgling and my vision started to go foggy around the sides. I burped a few times and felt marginally better. So I stuck with this. Disgusting.

Burr-woo. Yeah, you're right. His burb sounded like a Siemens foghorn with all the long John Silver's in it. I'm just imagining. And, you know, thank you for writing it, by the way. I assume you have some degree of self-humor in this since you said this is. Oh, of course.

He said that he was. This is all past tense. We've all had disgusting times. Oh, you want me to talk about some gross stuff I've eaten? But I'm imagining the other kid that, you know, skipped prom to go see day after tomorrow, which is like, oh, what is he doing here? And he's like, oh, I see. Once he starts burping, you're like, oh, I get it.

Yeah. He's doing the old Long John's multiplex two step. I got it. So what we're saying is, look out. He's going to capsize. What I'm trying to say is. We've all been there, buddy, except for Ben, who's never been there. No.

You haven't lived this life? No, no. I've never been to a long, John's. Then we got to the scene where the astronauts on the space station see the storms. And then something about it just set me on. Yeah, blame the movie, pal. My vision went, I mean, it is a bad movie. I'm going to sue this movie.

I'm coming for you 20th. Century Farr. My vision went all black. My legs felt like they fell asleep. This might be diabetes. My John's will do that, you. My stomach felt like it was trying to force itself out my mouth. I puked.

I voided the entire contents of my stomach from the seafood feast before all the way to the pop tarts I had for breakfast. Come on with the pot tarts. He came hot out of the gates that day. He came out swinging, huh? He woke up and went. You know, my plan today is to vomit in public. It was, of course. This is like under the volcano with food.

Excellent movie, by the way. Oh, yeah. It was, of course, projectile vomit. Of course. And I think it shot at least three or four rows in front of me. Good. Splatter zone. Oh, God, they're in a Gallagher show.

Yeah, kerbarf. I can throw up in public, mark. Thank God nobody was hit by it since it was a small theater, but the smell and the sound made three people instantly stand up and leave. Oh, of course. Only three? Are you? I would be so gone.

I think only three people were in the theater. I waddled out of there myself considering telling someone about the mess, but then just left anyway. Good move, by the way, because honestly, how could you tell someone that you just project I just threw up all over your theater. Because here's the thing. They're going to have to clean it up either way. There's no reason to implicate and humiliate yourself further.

Unless you're ending that sentence with a period that is a $50 bill that you're handing that person. It has to be one $50 bill. Talk about a disaster movie. That's still one of my most shameful moments and I feel bad who ever had to clean that place. it was an underpaid teenager by the way anonymous yeah no shit um that was something yeah and uh you know we've all had our disgusting moments and that's okay um maybe uh i assume you've learned to control certain habits oh well and that's and that's that's good you know it's probably one of those things that we're like you know if you get like sick off of something you eat you're

like done with it yeah like that dude probably probably never revisited a long johns i think long johns is rock bottom yeah it's kind of what we're getting at here i'd rather eat at a hearties than long john silvers i've never seen a hearty oh man they're out it's gross it's gross isn't that just carls junior yeah it's kind of just the same restaurant restaurant so i guess that's the mailbag huh that's the mailbag for this month of june we learned a lot of things had a lot of laughs we blew a lot of chunks For more WHM, check out our website, wHMpodcast.com.

Oh, by the way, we also have, for making fun of Paul W. Reddit for so much. We have a subreddit. Oh, right, of course. God, what is it? Slash R slash we hate movies. And hey, guys, we're just playing around it, right? Don't take it so seriously.

I don't need to get doxed. Yeah, I don't need your fucking downvotes, buddy. Long John Silver's family meal. Oh, man, forchis. If you want your... We don't have a fortune. I don't even know what that is. I don't even know what that is. I'm going to keep it that way.

I think you ought to, like, kill somebody to get on a fortune. Yeah, I think you have to be like a Russian gangster or like a really, really mean 12-year-old. One or the other. If you want your weird stories read on the air, or if you have a question for the WHM gang, right into the mailbag. all hate movies at gmail.com. Until next time, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Seda.

Eric Siska. Len Worcester. Take it easy.