We Hate Movies - S6: WHM Mail Bag: DJ DEA Agents, Listening to WHM in Class, and Things Not to Do with Italian Dressing

Episode Date: May 27, 2016

On this round of WHM Mail Bag correspondence, the guys read letters about gross arcades getting raided by the DEA, creepy dates with dudes passing off dubious movie trivia as suave lines, and a certain obese action star being a total ass to kids! If you want your crazy stories read or WHM-related questions answered on the air, write in to the WHM Mail Bag: [e-mail]!Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Welcome to W.H.M. Mailbag, everybody. I'm Andrew Jupin alongside Stephen Sadek and Eric Siska. This is the May 20th. 2016 edition of the WHM mailbag. So may we open the bags? We got to open it right up. We got some good ones here this evening. The Memorial Day mailbag, right?

Yeah. Shuffle through your notes. Get all your papers out. All your letters. These are the physical letters. Yeah. To Santa. We get, you know, we get physical mail around here, which is interesting. All right, I'll stop.

I was going to say, you got them all. All right. Steve Sadek, start us off. I'm glad that we have to do this now. Arcade story. No pee your poop involved. You know what? I like that preface.

It means your email isn't getting instantly deleted. I think we've reached critical mass with the peas and the poohs. See, I don't know. No, that's true. I'm good with some more. Yeah. Well, you know what? Then save them for your pee and poop podcast.

All right, here's the thing. If it happens in the next mailbag, the only way another letter is going to get read is if a wolf's doing it. if the wolf's reading the letter I mean a story about a writing the letter like a wolf shitting like a wolf shitting like you saw a wolf shit

Yeah Oh I see I'm interested in that Especially if you saw a wolf shitting in an arcade All right go ahead Hey guys love the show When I was in college There was an arcade called buttons

Welcome to buttons Yikes And on Friday and Saturday nights After 10 p.m. All the games were pushed aside and local DJs would come out for mini raves. Then it becomes

welcome to buttons. Yeah, I'll push my buttons. Oh yeah. There's definitely button pushing and two for one drink specials. Oh, and there's a joystick if you keep looking. Buttons. Ew, the idea of keep looking by the way. It's there. You got to look for it.

If at first you don't succeed, keep looking at buttons. Yeah, you're going to have to fish around a bit. All right. Oh, yucks. My friend and I loved EDM and decided to go check out some local talent. Cool, man. Since buttons only serve dirty water dogs and sodas, either 16 or 18 plus.

Gross. What's a dirty water dog? That's a hot dog. Sling for hot dog, yeah. People often refer to the ones in New York City carts as dirty water dogs. Brett hot dogs. Oh, that's cool. People tended to bring their own refreshments.

Uh-oh. Here's a typical night. At the entrance, my friend and I show ID, then a fat kid baggy pants, a baseball jersey, and gold chains, and a sideways hat yells out, Hey, Shorty, Gotney Beans? Was he looking for coffee?

My friend and I were suitably confused and wet inside. All the games were pushed aside to make a dance floor the stickiest, grossest dance floor I've ever seen with a ratty couch at the corner and next to it on the floor two teenagers having sex. Only at buttons. Oh, man.

Oh, you find it yet? You find the joystick? Oh, man. Imagine that the next day your quarter rolls under the machine and you try to fish for it. Oh, what's that? Genetic material. I just kind of imagine

like this is going on behind somebody's back. You know what I mean? Like the top level owner of Buttons, which was like Harvey Buttons. I was going to say 86 year old Earl Buttons, but yeah, maybe his son Harvey Buttons is taking over the business. Either way, neither Harvey nor Earl know anything about this and all it's fucking Earl's gross little pervert grandson, Jason Buttons. Oh, man. Everybody knows that guy's a fucking scumbag. I thought he was king shit until they finally brought him down.

It's one of those guys that like what he gets bust. with child pornography, you're like, oh, obviously. Totally. I fucking said it about Jared Fogel. Did you? I called it. Wow. No, I did.

A little while later, a middle-aged man with a pot belly and a bald head and a lead Zeppelin t-shirt asked me where he could buy the drugs, to which I replied, oh, I don't do drugs, sir. Man only at buttons. That is a nark in a hat. The drugs. A little while later, my friend and I discovered another teen passed out behind the speakers. Only at buttons. Is this the plot of the movie Go?

The teen was played by Scott Wool. His friends had left him there, so he woke him up and got him some water and babysat him for a while. That's nice. Well, you're at an EDM concert. You take him over to the chill-out tent, get him an orange slice. This is buttons. There's no chill-out tents, all right? Man, only at buttons.

There's a bathroom. There's a dirty blanket in the corner of the bathroom, too. The ratty couch serves as the chill-out tent. It's the chill-out. ratty couch. Also, who would the world is serving hot dogs at a rave? Only at buttons. Despite all these issues,

we went back a few times because the music was really good. Man, how good was this music? Because this sounds like a fucking living nightmare. Yes, it does. This music better have blown you. A few weeks later, we heard that buttons got raided. On a night,

we didn't go, oh shit, buttons got raided. So, man, fucking shock of the century. Dude, that's somewhat, that is someone's lifetime story entitled The Night Buttons got rated. It gets good. Apparently, one of the DJs was working for the DEA. No, he wasn't.

DJ DEA. There's your movie. Yeah, this is a 2000, this is a movie that could have only been made between 99 and 2004. Yes, but you know what? By 2004, you could have had it star Ryan Reynolds. Oh, I feel like Ryan Reynolds is the perfect guy to cast in DJ DEA.

Really not DJ Qualls? No. He wouldn't have to change his name. And DJ Quirles as Jason Buttons. And he was working for the DEA in Breaking Bad. There's so many connections. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's right.

What I would like. Shared cinematic universe. That fat kid from, uh, uh, what's that football movie? Sandlot. No, the football movie there. The big green? No. Well, that's the same fat kid.

No. Sean Astin? The fat kid. from the James Vanderbeek football movie. Oh, Farsity Blues. Varsity Blues. What happened to that big O? He lost a bunch of weight.

Billy Bob. He lost a bunch of weight. What's he doing now? Not acting. Okay. He's a button. He's working at the door at buttons. But no, he would play the fat kid asking.

You're totally right. Ask him for the beans. What's the beans? I don't know. Pills? A friend was told that, okay. So one of the DJs. is working for the DEA.

A friend who was there told us that all at once all the dealers dumped their wares on the floor and the teens started shoving refreshments into their mouths by a handful. What the fuck? That's drugs.

Yes. Well, yeah. All right, I'm just letting everyone now. Everybody's following along. We heard that the owner was arrested and reportedly charged with one counterpossession with intent to sell for each pill found. buttons was closed

my one regret is I did not go to the property auction and buy the burger time game oh well keep up the great work that's a dude that's a property auction I want to get it on it on man Oh yeah fucking drug busted arcade

You know that shit's going dirt cheap Yes great stuff Oh here's this burger time tower It's going for 25 cents Because it smells like weed And is covered in 9000 layers of cum Oh wait here's the old X-Men game Oh, remember when Colossus goes,

Oh, there's a dead baby inside it. Some woman put a baby in a garbage bag. Oh, that's less fun. I guess I'll just take the couch then. So that's the end of that letter, right? Dude, the buttons couch. You could put that shit in the fucking Smithsonian. That was from L, by the way.

I'm not sure if I said that. All right. So the next one is called movie theater story for mailbag. Perfect. Perfect place to put it. Put it in the bag. Hey guys, my most eventful movie theater experience didn't have until last year, but I thought you might enjoy it.

A friend and I went to see the hateful aid at the Village East Cinema in Manhattan. Oh, all too familiar with that theater. Oh, yeah. I saw, that's where I saw the hateful aid. Maybe I was here. Maybe this is about you. Did I write this letter? So we could see it on film.

Right after we sat down, an older foreign gentleman and his presumably wife sat down, sat down right in front of us before the movie began they were texting and talking a lot but I assumed that once the movie had started they'd stop um they didn't here's the thing and this is a thing this is a you know we talk about movie theater etiquette all the time on these mailbags yeah it's tough do you I get can we as a society like make a point to like a very like a non aggressive like tap on the shoulder and just talk to say like hey dude I know you I know you're texting right now it's totally cool because the trailers are on But once the movie starts, that shit's going to stop.

You got to watch it with touching people. No, I get that. I'm just saying, I'll be tapping shoulders. No, I got, I could tell you something. Now, that is very, it seems appropriate and reactional. Because today I went to a deli. Yeah. As one does it a deli.

What are we talking? Chicken salad or what? Chicken cutlet. No. It was. Why is that so improbable chicken cutlet? Because I wouldn't order that. It was honey turkey.

Oh, okay. Yeah, it was really good. I think there's a pepper jack on there. Anyway. So I'm saying this deli, and it's a narrow deli. And. Were you at the Hello Deli? I was at the Hello Deli, and Rupert G did take my order.

So, and I made him fucking do the punch card, too. I'm going to get my fucking 10th one free. That's right. So anyway, an older man walks. Oh, thanks, Eric, for the punch card. You sure do love that honey turkey. someone is on a diet oh wait there's pepper jack on it never mind well and then uh the 10th one Christopher Lambert can officiate my diet so unbeknownst to me I'm kind of blocking the

the the soda you know the not machine but like the case the case full of the sodas and stuff so an older like businessish man walks up behind me I don't even know what's happening and he grabs my like hips. Oh, that happens sometimes. To like move you out of the way. Oh, wow. Was this fucking jaw wired shut and he couldn't say excuse me? No, it wasn't. Pardon me, honey, turkey. Can you get out of the way of the soda?

So I basically, you know, my, my hips and lower back was kind of caressed by an older man and I just had to sit there and take it. That happens too often. That's, you got to, and it's got nothing to do with gender, it's got nothing to do with anything. Shoulders. We're just tapping shoulders.

You got two, you got fucking say excuse me. None of the shoulder tapping, none of this fucking hip tossing. Just excuse me, I have to get to the soda. Use your mouth. You're fucking animals that can talk to each other. Use your mouth. At a loud bar playing EDM

and somebody's fucking at buttons, you tap the shoulder, is what I'm saying. Well, buttons, yeah, buttons, you're definitely tapping shoulders. Because if you get your shoulder tapped at buttons, you're looking out. Sorry, Eric. Yeah, okay. So, let's get back to this guy's story. Sure. So, as I was saying, they didn't stop texting and whatnot

when the movie began. Right. So they started up being very sneaky, but cared less as the movie went on. That's a problem. Yep. Near the last half hour, they were literally passing the phone back and forth talking about what the other had texted. Oh, what? Man, and cheese, man, this is in Manhattan. Where the standards? Out the window. So finally I had enough. And when the phone was in his hand. I kicked the back of the seat. He immediately turned around and started hissing, what is your problem? Very loudly at me.

Trying not to make a scene and disturb everyone else, I whispered back, dude, I'm just trying to watch the movie, to which he responded very loudly with his hands in the air. And this is how you tell me! He then leaned over and finished the text, which

seemed to take five minutes, before turning completely around and giving me the evil eye. Oh, see. Yeah, finet, a movie or... He pointed his finger at me, saying, Watch it! He then sat back down.

Wow, I guess he stood up for that. Oh, wow. Yikes. Yeah, by the way, this guy was trying not to cause a scene and started trying not to cause a scene by kicking the back of a chair. That's what the shoulders are for, buddy. Yeah, you kicked that shoulder.

He didn't text or talk for the rest of the movie. Overall, the movie was great, but the last half hour, was kind of lost on me because in the back of my mind I kept thinking, am I going to have to fight an old man? Been there. When the movie ended, we

casually walked out of the theater, hearing some possibly Polish. Now, where you are in the East Village, you could get some Polish. You also might be getting some Ukrainian. So just FYI. Swear words being muttered in our direction, but that was all. I've loved the show for years, and I've started

listening while working on an assembly line in college. Nice. And you guys make Tuesdays actually mean something. Well, Tuesdays mean something. Yeah. It's one day closer to Friday.

Thanks a million, John. Wow. Assembly line is somewhere, I guess, in the New York area. Oh. Wow. Drug assembly line. I'm sure he meant drugs.

He's making all the drugs for buttons. Well, he's... What's going on in the hell's kitchen and Daredevil? It's all those people. You're underwear. Yep. Well, he states that he went to the villages

to catch the 70 millimeter road shows. So he could have been coming from anywhere. But Eric, Eric knows a little bit of Polish and actually got us out of a sticky situation because of it. We were trying to get an apartment. Eric, Chris and I before we moved to Astoria, were trying to get an apartment

in Greenpoint. And it was like this weird apartment. Which is a Polish neighborhood in Brooklyn. Becoming less and less Polish by the day. By the minute. Wherein this old nun had lived there? I'm not sure if she killed herself or not. Dude, no, no. Either way she was haunting the place.

Wasn't she like... Maybe she was haunting the place because I think I remember her washing dishes while we were looking at it. She was. And like, this guy's like showing us the apartment.

It's a three bedroom and one of the bedrooms is a closet which was like kind of the reason we didn't get it. But this guy's talking to his buddy in Polish the whole time and when we get out of there, Eric. They were saying some negative shit.

I can't really remember what it was. They were called this foolish and like fat, I believe. And? I mean, I wasn't there, but and? Yeah, I wasn't good. Yeah. I can't remember the specifics, but what?

You know what, though? Here's the thing. Yes. Here's the thing. Those Polish gentlemen don't talk shit to you guys. You guys take that place instead of moving to my neighborhood of Astoria. We don't hang out all the time. Talk glasses of water watching bad movies.

Boom. Yeah. No, we hate movies. Thank God that ghost nun kept us away. all right here we go oh so this is an interesting thing so we were asking some folks after the 250th episode some of their favorite w hm moments highlander too so this uh this episode or this email is indeed entitled favorite w hm moment oh that's nice hey guys my name is hunter from south carolina i've been listening to the show for roughly

four years now my first episode was the ghostbusters two episode but my favorite moment isn't remembering that New Year's Eve listening to your program for the first time. I also discovered Blame it on Outer Space that night. Wow. Boring New Year's Eve. Listening to our programs should be out at a party. It happened this year. I was listening to an old episode of Animation Damnation, the Sonic Child Malestation episode. I don't know about that. Well, so we did an episode on Sonic the Hedgehog. I don't remember what it was really about. Anyway, and I was an environmental science. class doing work listening to the show when it got to the more you know part the more you know part

of the episode i couldn't help but laugh out loud in the middle of a surprisingly quiet classroom well you know you know you pay attention in class yeah you know you know you're the future way in the future way of the future uh the future's calling john z riley's just getting nervous in the back of the classroom uh blah blah blah blah I then heard my teacher say, well, Hunter is listening to something funny today. This teacher doesn't have a problem with Hunter listening to anything, but, you know. She asked what I was listening to, and I told her I was listening to We Hate Movies and told her you guys were a stand-up comic group. I know you guys don't do stand-up.

You sit down and eat pizza and drink Diet Coke, parentheses, can't even get the regular Coca-Cola. Wow, Hunter, you got our number, man. Hunter, I'm drinking a mason jar full of red wine right now. I'm drinking a room temperature Beck's beer. I'm eating a whole pizza. You got me. While talking about a movie, I just wanted the conversation to be over. I get that.

I do love oversimplifying things for people. Yeah, just to get it over with. You're like, oh, what are you watching? Robocod. Yeah, it's about a guy who's a robot. It's actually kind of how I described this show to my parents. Uh-huh. Yeah, we talk about movies.

She didn't send me to the principal's office. That's a good thing, sure is. And then we went on spring break later that week. When I came back to school, the same teacher told me when I got in the class that she listened to your podcast over the break. Now, this surprised me because he's a 69-year-old woman. Think about a 69-year-old woman listening to your podcast. Keep up the good work and try not to give a nice old woman a heart attack with your show, Hunter. Well, here's the thing.

It's a big tense party. We got plenty of older folks listening. We got plenty of young folks listening. Totally. I don't think it's outside the realm of plausibility that she's a super fan. Totally. You could be listening to EDM, eating hot dogs. Just like at buttons, just fucking on that dirty couch.

It's all possible, man. Anything is possible. And, you know, that's the thing. It's like you're a young man going to school and you see these old fogies and you're like, oh, brother. but believe me they've lived a life she's done unimaginable things oh yeah not just of that nature

well she's like teaching your class by day fucking EDM buttons fuck couch at night possibly I thought you might she might have something to do with Kennedy possibly oh yeah second gunman maybe was she grassy knoll in it

I don't know she's only 69 years old though well when was she trying to make this assassination attempt I don't know I don't do math but you know what fair enough time travel might play a part oh yeah that's possible all right next one hodor uh favorite moment and this story about working at a record store in the late 80s now we're talking i just want to skip to it right to there all right uh hey guys i just wanted to chime in with my favorite moment in w jem podcast history i picked up you guys

from the poison ivy episode and i've been listening to every there since that's a long time um My favorite moment is when you guys reacted to absolute horror and you sure know how to drive a baby wild comment on Blame It on Rio episodes. Yeah, that was shocking. Second, I would like to include a story from what I worked at a local record store here in Kansas City in the late 80s. Hell yeah.

That sounds like a Pulitzer Prize winning novel, by the way. Or a really awesome fucking cult movie I'd want to watch. Oh, yeah. Either's great. It's just called like Spin City. Well, no, that's a sitcom. Oh, yeah, you get Richard Kind in there. Oh, sure.

Yeah, dude. Oh, how about Richard Kind as Earl Buttons, maybe? Or would it be, what was Harvey Buttons? Harvey Buttons, yeah. He could play Harvey Buttons. Earl's got to be a little old. Kirk Douglas. Yes.

Yep. This Reagan story is still located in a questionable area of the city. We used to have quite a few homeless-slash-neigh-neigh-neigh-neigh-in-lawed that frequented the store as well as a few prostitutes that worked in the parking lot of the liquor store the next day.

Next door. One evening, I was working with my now brother-in-law and we had one of our local widows come in. Hey, everybody likes music, man. I mean, if you're intoxicated while you go to a store, you're kind of a wino.

Oh, man. Dude, I went to the grocery store drunk last week. I was going to say, note to self, I don't have to run out to the bodega after we're done here tonight. It was embarrassing, actually, because this woman was like, it looked like she was trying to get away from this, or like push this cart out of the way. And she was holding like a melon or something. So I was like, oh, man, this is probably my cart. So I grabbed the cart to move it.

And it was like, that's my cart. Oh, now you're just a man. So I'm just some drunk guy taking your fucking car. Steal it are melons. Yep. Was there a line get your hands off? off my melons. No, there was not.

Damn it. It was actually, we had a good little rapport after that. Oh, well, she was drunk too. It was drunk too. Yeah. He was usually a pretty mellow guy

that would come in and look at the 12-inch singles. Fucking cheapscape. And the records. Oh, okay. That night, if I recall, he was pretty drunk. Long story short,

while perusing the A-1B. I'll be sure. I'll be sure, I think. Oh, I'll be sure, records. He, he proceeds. This is why you don't write his emails on a fucking cell phone, because that's just something that doesn't make any sense. I'll be sure, records.

He proceeds to whip out his member and start urinating on the floor next to the records. Oh, man. My brother-in-law walks over to him to tell him to stop. That's a shouting situation. From a safe distance. Yeah, you need to respect the perimeter there. Outer range. The guy was finished by this point

And threw a record up the floor My brother-in-law was shocked And he bent over to pick it up No, that's a lost record And the guy, when he did, the guy probably kicked him in the ass By the time he was done with that The police were walking through the front door He was arrested and I never saw him again

I still visit the store from time to time Great work and thanks for keeping my day's parable Chris in Kansas City That's a, you know It's a seedy story It is. I like it. But again, like, you're making a pretty cool movie out of this. I think it's probably like I'm picturing the neighborhood from Tough Turf.

Oh, yeah. You know what I'm talking about? Like, there's a cool movie in this story, man. Just saying. Especially that kick in the ass. That chaplain-esque kick in the ass. Or, you know, this could also be, and remember the last mailbag we did that story of the Game Master? Maybe this could be part of that world.

Oh, yeah. You know, because that was supposed to be in a bad. part of town as well. So maybe you go to the record store at one point. You could call the Game Master's Arcade buttons. Oh, fuck, dude. Yeah. We've kind of got a series going on here.

I don't know. Netflix, call us. So the next one is called Love the Show and a Story for You. All right. We hate movies. I'm writing in to tell you how much I love the show. And thank you for all the laughs over the Oh, that's nice.

These email's not all in capital letters. Oh, all right. It's not written by Zod. I may not agree with you all the time. I think Batman versus Superman was the best superhero movie since Winter Soldier. Cool. Let's move on. And I also think that Wes Craven's New Namemare is the best friendy movie.

Hachy, machi. You know, it's okay. It's all right. But I love to hear your opinions on movies since you're both so funny, since you're both funny and informative. Oh, thank you. I also have a funny story you might get a kick out of. I've always been a movie buff

and I gravitated towards horror and sci-fi stuff. I started seeing a guy in college who considered himself a film expert and who claimed to have excellent taste in movies. Got to watch out for these weirdos. Yeah, that's what I mean... Starting all sorts of podcasts. After a few weeks, I went to hang out

at his apartment and watched some movies together. Unfortunately, his actual taste in movies is exactly what you expect from an average male college student. He had a giant Boondock Saints poster taped over his bed. Oh, boy. Over the bed, by the way. Norman and the boys

can see you. Like, but here's the thing that I need clarification on. Are we talking like on the wall above the bed or over the bed as in taped to the ceiling? Because you know what? Big difference. I had a Boondock Sam poster in college. Yeah, I know you did. It wasn't taped to your fucking ceiling. No, no. The Saints didn't watch you sleep.

And that was in the common room, right? Yeah, it was a common room situation. Yeah, you don't put that above the bed. And had hand-carved the words Fight Club into a bar of soap that he nailed into the wall. Oh, boy. That is scary stuff, man.

This is, that's when you know you've got to get out. This is, I mean, saving for the spooktacular. It looked as shitty as you're imagining right now. I was already getting second. thoughts, but had enjoyed my previous dates with this guy, so I shouldered on. All right. He reached under his TV to pull out a box, which was overflowing

with DVDs. Ew, a DVD box. Why don't they go on a shelf like everyone else's DVDs? It's like a dumpster full of DVD. He's probably like kids' teeth in there, too. That reminds me of the bucket of porn in zoo,

which is a bucket full of DVDs that has animal porn in it. When the fucking Federalis are chasing You down, dude? He presented me with four movies to choose from that night. I remember Chris Cabin was a big fan of the pick a movie, like out of this option. Oh, yeah. I mean, and we've all lived with Cabin for so many years.

Yeah, yeah. At one point in our lives or another. And at one point in your life, he's told you to pick from four movies. He does. He only starts it with want to play a game, which I always think is weird. What I'm trying to say is I miss you and love you, Chris. Wherever you are, buddy. So, okay, now here are the four movies.

Oh, God, I made the mistake of reading ahead. Boondock Saints. Obviously. The Butterfly Effect. Fear.com. Saw it in theaters. And see no evil. Saw it in theaters at a midnight showing.

I have not seen those two movies. Yeah, I've only seen the first two. You know what? Listen, Spooktacular. research, man. Stay tuned for both, you thinking? It's possible, yes. I asked if he had anything else in the box. What else is in the box? Yeah, at that point, you'd be

thrilled to see Gwyneth Paltrow's head. This is a relief. But he just told me that we'd save those for later dates. Oh, what a presumptuous. For another date. Those movies are for another date. This is the box for the third date. Third date, first home date. While I was picking, he, quote-unquote, made dinner for us.

He heated up a box of pizza rolls, stuck them on a paper plate, and covered them in Italian dressing. No! I'm puking up on my insides. I kind of imagine where we are right now is the set of 10 Cloverfield Blaine a little bit. You know, that like creepy bunker? John Goodman's pulling out a box overflowing with DVDs. Pick, pick out of these four. movies. No, no, those are for later

dates. Oh, you're going to go to Paris one day, aren't you? Oh, hey, Mary Elizabeth Winstead. Those are for later dates. You're lucky that I saved you by bringing you here. I really enjoyed that movie. I loved it. Yeah, it was a good time.

A really good movie. Yeah. Better than all four of the movies we're talking about right now. Also very true. Fucking Italian dressing. Dude, what the fuck. Are we talking creamy Italian or that fucking wet shit, because there's a difference. Probably like oil and vinegar. Oh, I hate

that. Really? I like it. Listen, regardless of whether or not you like it, you don't cover pizza rolls with it. And also, you don't eat pizza rolls. Also, a great rule. Don't eat pizza rolls. Hey, Totinos. Man,

that fat kid and that commercial gets me every time. I chose. Is there ever a time you can eat a pizza roll and not burn your fucking mouth? The answer is no, correct? Well, unless you like leave them out and then they're cold and then you're just eating cold, soggy, wet fucking Italian dressing

pizza rolls. What this dude probably did when this woman inevitably left. Well, we'll see if she leaves. Oh, yeah, let's read on. I chose Cino Evil since I've never seen it or heard of it before. Good idea. I'm kind of in the same boat.

What America said about Ceno Evil. If you aren't aware, it's, oh, we're aware, right? I told you I saw it in theaters. It's a W.W.E. horror movie starring pro wrestler Kane, and it's really terrible. The entire movie, the guy kept pawn at me and trying to get me to take my shirt off. Kane? Oh, this pizza roll guy. Yeah, I think Dr. Pizza roll guy is a tough one.

That's a tough one to live down. At one point in the movie, a woman is eaten by a pack of wild dogs. Nice. He then busted out some trivia and claimed that they used an air. dead body and fed it to dogs in this scene. You know what gets a girl really going when you're watching a wrestling horror movie and you start talking about dogs eating a dead body like it's fucking cool knowledge. You know what really gets a girl going? Pizza rolls and lying.

And just the most obvious bad lying you could do. Why would dogs feed on a corpse? Vince McMahon's not signing off. for that. Come on. My bullshit detector went off, but I didn't want to get into an argument during the movie. Well, you didn't want to miss anything. After the movie, he asked me what I thought,

and I politely said, it was okay. He then spent 45 minutes going into extreme detail with more of his trivia. Oh, God. I assumed it was all bullshit, since it included facts such as Kane had to be locked in a trailer because between takes, he stayed in character.

And a proposed sequel, where Kane's character in the film, Jacob Goodnight. Yep. Came back to life and attacked a WWE event. Oh, getting meta, huh? Uh. And the movie would end with Kane fighting Jacob Goodnight through CGI and Body Doubles. That was just the climax of this dude's fucking fans, gripped, by the way.

This dude was, yeah. I'm imagining his pants were baggy enough that she couldn't see his boner, but he had a boner. None all the same. Well, he was trying to get her shirt off. Yeah, that's true. And then in the last crucial minutes of the fight, an unnamed hero breaks in and sprays Jacob Good Night in the face with Italian dressing, saving the day for one and all.

And then a dead body gets eaten by dogs anyway because that's pretty cool. He opens up his other basket of DVDs. It says Jews. The whole time he kept talking faster and faster, He was so excited telling me this. Oh, definitely has an interaction. I still like this guy, and I know it's okay to like bad movies and taste its subjective. Again, I like Batman versus Superman, but this was getting to be too much.

I asked him if I could look through the box and pick a movie for our next date. I told myself, if I saw one movie I liked, then I'd give him a chance. That's not. This is way too many chances. This is a lot of chances. tons of red flags. I thought I had that moment when I saw the Jurassic Park logo

until I saw the number three right next to me. Careful. Careful. Don't want to get tripped up. We had another date after that night, but I... What? I agree with you, Steve. I'd please hope it was out in public. But I had lost that initial attraction

to the guy, obviously. And I realized it would never work out. There is a happy ending, though, for the both of us. We stayed friends. on Facebook and about two years ago he posted a picture of himself meeting Kane in person.

He, well, was it Kane or was it, Jacob Good Night? Oh, good question. He looked like a little kid meeting Santa Claus. He's also engaged so he met someone who could love him even with his unique movie taste and weird love of fake trivia. Fake trivia, I love

that. I've also been seeing guys since January. He invited me over for a movie night at his house after a few dates. We watched time bandits he didn't paw at me and he doesn't have any bars of soap nailed in his house thanks for reading and keep up the amazing podcast all the best rebecca all right that's it yeah um i'm glad that you got away from that man i'm glad you survived yeah i mean you know he didn't paw at you you had to sit through time bandits but all right i liked time it's time bandits is

one of those movies that if you didn't see it as a kid you can't possibly care i don't know if that's true terry gilliam man he's like Four for a hundred, but those four are pretty turned good. All right. Here we go. I love this email. All right. Dearest Andrew, Stephen, Eric, and Chris Cabin, parentheses, RIPD.

He might come back eventually. You never know. John Snow, that motherfucker. Totally. I love the podcast and wanted to share a story that you and hopefully your listeners will learn an important lesson from. Uh-oh. Teaching time. Growing up, I was a huge fan of Stephen Seagal.

He ticked off all the checkboxes that you wanted in an actor. He had a black belt, fought in every single movie, played the guitar, and owned a dude ranch. That was a checklist. His movies, even back in the mid-90s, were all really stupid, but I was just a dumb kid and ate them up. You eat movies? They were fun. I'm such a dumb kid. I'm eating dapes.

Here's four to choose from. Which one do you want Italian dressing? I think I would rather eat a fucking VHS tape of the Glimberman the Tostino's pizza rolls and Italian dressing. Then came the day where I met him and everything changed.

What? I grew up in Kentucky and Seagal was unknown to me at the time filming fire down below at a state park that we would go square dancing at on the weekends. Don't judge, it's a big tradition. Hey, you didn't hear a word out of us.

One Friday night, my parents drove myself and my sisters up to go square dancing, but when we got to the stage, it was all closed off. There were wooden saw horses everywhere, 18 wheelers parked everywhere, and a whole lot of electrical equipment all over the place. Oh, my God. This is, you know, this is an iconic scene. This is the scene where Seagal plays slap hands with Mike Starr, Mr. Big Man with the Big Balls. Oh, yeah. This is one of Stephen Zagal's most famous moments.

Sorry, I just got really excited when you realized what it was. Yeah, I was like, oh my God, it's that scene. Some guy started yelling at my dad to turn around and leave, but my dad parked the van and got out. While he was talking to this guy, my gaze shifted over to the stage. Stephen Seagal was standing there. I would have recognized him from a hundred miles away. He was standing all by himself, holding a bunch of papers. I realize now that he was probably rehearsing his lines and was really focused.

Mr. Big Man with the Big Balls? You're Mr. Big Man with the Big Balls. You are Mr. Big Man with the Big Balls. Slap my hands. Come on. Come on. Slap my hand. So what happened next is a bit more understanding. Somewhere, by the way, Michael Cain was being drenched in tar.

His hair was being drenched in tar. I freaked out. I freaked out. Opened the door and ran up to Stephen Seagal. This is like a bear man You can't just like run up to a fucking wild animal You spook him I wanted to say that I was a huge fan

And to ask for an autograph But I think what I said sounded closer to I'm a big fan I'm an autograph He stepped back Looked me up and down Got down on one knee And leaned in close to me

I expected him to shake my hand Or give me some words of advice What he said instead Stuck with me for the rest of my life quote, you're a real entitled piece of shit kid. Can't you see we're busy here? Why don't you go fuck off somewhere else?

What? I mean, we should at this point say this is allegedly what happened. I think this is true. Yeah, I mean, he's known for being an asshole, right? Yeah. Oh, famously. He's also probably litigious. You missed a big podcast, big balls.

I felt my stomach dropped down to my testicles. My face got hot and I started crying there in front of him. Oh man! By this point my dad was yelling for me to get in the van so I ran off as fast as I could and buried my face in my arms.

My parents kept asking what happened but I couldn't even form words yet as we turned around and drove off Steven Seagall flipped us the double middle fingers. We were a pretty religious family so at 10 years old this was the first time I'd seen someone in real life

flipped the finger, let alone the double deuce. And with the previous usage of shit and fuck, my entire worldview was shattered and I felt disturbed on a spiritual level. Awesome. Where was God this day, kid? Well, he met the devil.

When I got a home, I tore down my under siege poster and threw it the trash. Since that moment, I've never watched a cigar, movie, an appearance on TV, or anything even tangentially related to it. Well, that gets easier and easier every year. That's true.

When Fire Down Below came out on VHS, I used to go to the rental store, take the copies off the shelf, and hide them behind other movies. The video store clerk probably wanted to kill me, but I felt like this small bit of rebellion was stopping Seagal from making any more money. He broke my heart as a kid, and it taught me a valuable lesson. Wow. Never meet your idols. Wow. Yep. That is just heartbreaking.

God, it is heartbreakingingly hilarious, though. How could you be such an asshole to a young kid? To a kid. It's so shitty. What a piece of shit. To anyone, really. I mean, just that fucking ponytail's choking the common sense out of his brain. What a piece of shit.

Anyone ever meet a celebrity that went wrong, aside from Gene Schallet, flushed a turlitt? I drunk and. accosted Todd Barry once on 2nd Avenue and he got spooked and jumped into a cab were you guys there when we were with Chris Cabin at the IFC

Center and we just saw actually we didn't see it but there was Al Franken was showing Oh his Pennabaker Doc? One of his documentaries Yeah and we were hanging out of the bar there our buddy

Victor used to bartend there and Al Franken was there and drunk. Yep. And we were there and drunk. Were you there for this? No, no. I remember this tale, though. Oh, right.

So a great moment is, you know, we're sitting there kicking back drinking. And Al Franken stumbling into Chris Cabin while we're sitting at this bar. Oh, really? Yeah, like a whole like over the shoulder thing. Oh, wow. Yeah. And I shook his hand. I told him I liked his movie.

I didn't see it. You always got to do that, man. Yeah, but it was pleasant enough. I'm trying to think of, like, the biggest asshole I've had to ever, like, deal with. And, uh, not coming to me. I mean, I'll tell you that a certain star of fight club and death to smoochie wasn't such a nice person. Yeah, and he was there for a really boring period piece no one cared about. I'll tell you this.

You know what's a fun time? A drunk Oliver Stone. Oh, well, yeah. Oh, he was a ball laughs for a Q&A for World. Trade Center. That's a real yuck fest. It was honestly the most impressive thing I've ever seen because he was, you know, he'd had a couple

cocktails. He was having a good time, right? And then the second he goes to like go out on stage to do this Q&A for this movie, right? He like kind of like stumbled a little bit to go out on the stage and I was like oh, here it comes. And then like turning off

a light switch like he wasn't drunk anymore and conducted this great Q&A, like, spoke very eloquently about his, like, thoughts on the film, and then just, like, got in a car and left. It was, I was so impressed. Not behind the wheel, right? No, no.

The NYPD doesn't believe that light switch theory. That's before. No, he indeed had a car. Here's my question about our story that we just got here from Steven Segal. Yeah. You know, my favorite scene in maybe cinema history, not top five, really.

You got quite tickled when you realized what it was. Was he all cute? up in that scene from that exchange with that kid. So like maybe that informed the performance. So when he's like really giving it to Mike Star he's picturing a nine-year-old little kid. Yes.

Like yeah, I want you to hit my hands, you little child. Yeah. Oh, totally dude. I think you're right. I think that was some life creeping into the art in that instance. There you go. Learn something new every day. Now we know how Steven Sagan gets ready. He attacks a little kid. He verbally abusing.

children and then you know does it take man what a scumbag that's w hm mailbox for the month of may if you want your stories or questions answered on the air right into the mailbag itself which is we all hate movies at gmail dot com until next time i'm andrewing

stephen say that eric cisco take it easy Thank you.