We Hate Movies - S6: WHM Mail Bag: Kids' Birthdays, R-rated Movie Sneaks, and Late-in-Life Masturbation Discoveries

Episode Date: July 29, 2016

On the final WHM Mail Bag of the season, the guys read letters from parents pondering whether they should see the gang live in Los Angeles, folks sneaking into Will Smith movies over lame Star Trek sequels, and one individual who witnessed a man admit, in front of 4000 people, to discovering masturbation at age twenty--yikes! If you want your strange stories read on the air, or have urgent questions you need the gang to answer, write in to the mail bag -- [e-mail]! We'll see you in September!Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Welcome to W.HM Mailbag, everybody. I'm Andrew Jupin alongside Steve Zanak and Eric Siska. Howdy? We're talking letters. We've got some letters that we're going to read. read for you? How are you guys feeling about these letters? I'm feeling good. Good to great. Good to great. I'm feeling lukewarm. Oh. In, um, hey, the water's fine. That's true. It's like a nice lukewarm pool. Yeah, it's like swimming and pee. And I'm going to waddle into these

fucking, these fucking letters, man, like I'm swimming because it's summertime. It is summer. We just came back from Rochester, New York, had another great We Hate Movies Live show. Great show. If you missed it, you missed that on a time, man. People have been coming up to me on the street. And I can't tell you, I can't go down the fucking street without somebody to being like, Hey, Sadak! You make these... Blammo!

And I get shot in the chest and I die. But my name is Resurrection Man, and I'm a short-lived DC Comics series from the late 90s. Yikes. Exactly. Sorry, that's funny. No. People are like, hey, man, you make these cool posters. I can't get them.

I live in wherever the fuck America, you know. But now you can. They're all on the Etsy store. Check out W.H.M. Podcasts on Etsy. We got the Rochester poster, which is Us as Ninja Turtles. That's right. You've got a Jupiter ascending themed poster from New York City, the great city in New York. You've got a Predator 2, one of my favorites, from Chicago.

And you've got the D.C. one, which is us in front of the White House. There you go. All done by Chris. Walton, who's a great friend of the show, C. Walton, at C. Walton 73 for more info on him. But you should check these posters out there pretty dope. Yeah, there it is. And it's a great way to support the show.

Just an FYI. Just an FYI. Now, I'll get off my soapbox. You know, it'll take it down. We'll put it off to the side there. Now, come in here with me into the letter pool. Oh, wow. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's a little dingy. It feels like someone peed in this letter pool

already. All right. Sorry. I will start us off. Okay. The subject line of the first email this evening. Quandry. Okay. Dear W.HM crew, in a bit of a quandary here. I got pretty stoked on hearing of your recent plans on coming to Los Angeles for a live show.

Oh, September 22nd. That's correct. 8 p.m. at the Hollywood Improv. That's correct. That's correct. We'll be there talking suburban commando. Tickets are still available now when we record this. Right, but they're in short supply, so act fast.

I would say so, yeah. Yeah. Just like those Etsy posters, supplies are limited. So let's see here. I've been a big fan of the podcast for a while and never thought that I'd be able to see you guys live and possibly meet the hateful Trinity. Chris Cabin's back on the show, by the way.

I'm from Bakersfield, California, so it's just a two-hour drive to see you guys. The problem is that September 22nd, uh-oh, happens to be my son's ninth birthday. I've never been more tempted to ditch the knucklehead and bail on his birthday. Deadbeat move, I know.

I'm screwed either way of seeing or not seeing you guys. I'd like to hear your opinion on my dilemma. Love the show, Gary. Yeah, I mean, it's not a 10th birthday. That's what I was about to say. Thank you. It's about as useless as a 20th as a 22nd, a 17th or a 19th.

We're talking a 9th birthday. And here's the thing you get... They don't remember anything until they're 10, right? I don't think that's how that works. But I mean, like, you get the kid a video game. You know, the show's not until 8 o'clock at night. It's a two-hour drive. You show...

Four o'clock, you play the game with them all morning, all afternoon. Dad's got to go to work for the night. He doesn't know that it's watching a great comedy podcast show. I'll tell you the other thing, by the way. This show's on a Thursday. You're not having a fucking birthday party on a Thursday. It's going to be a break. Anyway, the clowns coming on Saturday, man.

You'd be hard-pressed to get a non-sexual clown on a weeknight. Non-sexual clowns. I love it. I'm going to say something a little different. You know what? Go ahead. If, you know, if this, if September 22nd is important to you and your family and, you know, it's your son's birthday and you're having this dilemma, maybe. maybe spend it with your son.

I'd rather you come to the show. We're trying to sell out the improv here. I know. Don't need your hand holding. You know what? I know. Not to get on my soapbox again, but if anybody knows of any sexual clowns in Los Angeles, I will be there for a couple of tays. Please DM me on the old Twitter.

No, don't do that. I'm just saying logistically, you're not pulling off a kid's birthday party on a Thursday night. You're going to do it either that Saturday after or the Saturday before. Exactly. I mean, what are you going to do? Sit at home. That's true. You know,

and you know, Thursday is so close to Friday and Friday's more fun. So, yep, yep, to your point, maybe have the party on that day. To Steve's point, just say you've got to work. Also, I don't know no better. What happens when the kid is listening to this timeless podcast in the future? Right. This timeless mailbag, you mean? Yeah.

When they're listening to this in like 2037 on the unemployment lines and hear this and like that's when everything went south. I bet you anything, dude, there's at least 12 Gary's in Bakersfield, California that got a nine-year-old kid with a birthday on September 22nd. Just putting it out there. Here's my question to you, Gary. And only you can answer this. And no one can hear you. Are you a divorced dad? Because that's the thing is like

Is Thursday your day with this kid then? Oh, well you don't want to get a judge involved. You definitely don't unless you got a sexual clown judge Which he's judged jury and sex executioner I'll say that one Speaking of clowns, maybe not sexual Let this session come to order Let's say hey

Hey for your birthday we're going to Los Angeles How exciting Oh, wait, it's going to be, you know, you take them to maybe Disneyland or something that has clowns. Sure. That aren't sexual. Right. And then, you know what? Oh, it's time to go to bed.

And then you run off to the show. Oh, leave them in a hotel room? What is this, fun home? No, leave him in a hotel room with a non-sexual clown. Okay. Or a sitter or someone, you know, another family member maybe, make a family trip out of it. Sure. And you leave for the night to step out and see a comedy show?

You know what? Any of those sound great. Point is, come to the show, Gary. Yeah, exactly. Bring a sexual clown, please. Let's do the next one there, Steve. Caught watching R-rated movies. Rutt Row.

Dear, we hate movies. That's us and Chris Cabin, who is still alive. Right, he's kind of back on the show, right? Yeah, he's back. When I was six... He's just not here. I know he is back. He's just not on this right now.

He's on the show. Dear, we hate movies. When I was 16, my parents and I went to the mall. Sounds great. Yeah, exactly. Wow. What a gripping opening. Oh, come in a...

We're going to not get any more letters now. No, no, no. My dad and stepmom dropped me off at the movie theater so I can see the new and exciting Star Trek insurrection while they went shopping. Yikes. agree. I'd rather be going to that Lane Bryant or Dick Sporting Goods with your

parents than watching that in the theater. That sounds like a much more sensible trip to me, Mr. Data. This movie is terrible. Say, Mr. Data, let's go to Lane Bryant and follow it up with a trip to the food court. Either that or you could watch

Picard lay game on an immortal woman. Captain, what is a free sample? bend over and I'll show you, Mr. Data. My butt is ballooning up for you. Oh, man, I forgot about the butt balloon in that movie. You may proceed, Captain.

My dad, blah, blah, they dropped me off at the entrance and gave me some money for the ticket and snacks. And as I got to the ticket counter, I realized that Star Trek had already started. Bummer. Thinking that my parents would never know the difference, I got a ticket for enemy of the state, which is rated R and a much better movie. That's true. Not by much. I mean, much is a tough one.

What's enemy to say that? Will Smith, Gene Hackman movie? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's a better movie. It's a better movie, but much is kind of, you know, debatable. It's not like it's a great movie. Yeah. You got Jason Lee in there.

I do love the Rolls Gold pretzels that Gene Hackman is eating at the end of that movie. You read they're incredibly smart. Or incredibly stupid. Remember how everyone was like, hey, man, it's like. a fucking secret sequel to the conversation. Yeah, whatever. I don't know about that.

You know what? Both movies have in common, Gene Hackman's got fucking headphones on for a time. That's true. I don't see any fucking saxophones in that movie. I'll tell you that much, not a goddamn lick a saxophone in that movie. Speaking of which,

since we are an educational program. Yeah. That's what the E is for is what I'm telling people for weeks. The E on the side of the podcast is for. I just want to tell people to seek out Francis Ford Coppola. The Conversation. Excellent film. It's my favorite Coppola.

It's, to me, I'd say, I like it better than The Godfather, but I'm a crazy band. You just hate Italians. Yes, also true. I hate him so much, I'm married. Yeah, that's like the best, to me, the best non-Mafia-related

Francis Ford Coppola movie. You know, like the outsiders? No, of course not. All right, let's quarantine here. Uh, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. I looked over 17, so I got to take without any questions, because it's America, man. You could do what you want. Totally.

This was the perfect crime. My parents would never know. I enjoyed the movie. And also, what is that movie rated R for, really? I don't believe there's nudity. Maybe there's like a flash of nudity. I think there's like an F-bomb. I mean, there's a couple of F-bombes because it was the 90s.

Yeah, I didn't think that was rated R, but whatever. Is using a green-tinted camera mean that it has to be rated R? Yeah, that's fucking filthy. I don't know. I want my kids seeing that. For implications of voyeurism. This is the perfect crime. My parents would never know.

I enjoyed the movie, walked out of the theater, and got into my parents' car, which had been waiting for me. I greeted my parents, and my dad said with a gruff, Which movie did you see? I told him Star Trek, and my dad yelled at me, Which movie did you see? Which movie did you see? Turn it off.

Turn it off. I sat my movie in there. Knowing I had been caught. But I told them the truth I proceeded to get yelled at for the whole ride home. Wow. Jesus Christ. I was such an idiot for thinking I could get away with it. I don't know,

man. I would do that move. Like, what are they going on to do? My parents would be like, all right. Yeah. That's the end of that. Uh-huh. By the way, I just did nerdyly. I went on the Tribune compared some run times. Half hour difference. Oh, half hour

difference. And here's the thing. That dad, that dad is not pissed off that this kid saw enemy of the state. That dad is pissed off because that dad has been sitting in the fucking parking lot with the motor running, waste of gas for 30 goddamn minutes. God damn it!

Gass ain't fucking free! Sitting a car with your mother! Why don't you fucking try that? Yeah, that's why that dude was upset. Enemy of the state. You're the enemy of this fucking car. Any of my wallet. That's my favorite And this is a parent thing

When they get to fucking When parents get to 11 When they start like Making up irrational comparisons to things Oh sure That's that's Oh yeah I think I've told the story before

But not a parent But a teacher I was wearing a Bart Simpson t-shirt That said a cooier Jets man once And this religion teacher Who was a total maniac In sixth grade yelled at me right to my face

No I will not cool my jets man like lost it like adult losing it on a kid it's so fucking enemy in the state oh it's so fucking funny had to go to Elaine Bryant

what are we going to do in Elaine Bryant I hope you like the fucking mother we had Applebee's reservation but they're fucking kids so now we know it as Applebee's it's gonna take a coffee

Kulawa it's family fucking meal ruined by enemy of the state. Welcome to Applebee's. We're full up. Do you have a reservation? I did. But then I was Star Trek insurrected into my own fucking car. Reservations at Applebee's re-evaluate your life right now. Without question. That's a 911 for a life reevaluation. Obviously, since EOTS started later, it was going.

to end later, my parents aren't stupid and figured it out. Have you ever been caught by your parents or theater staff trying to watch an already-in movie while underage? Andrew, when you worked at the theater, did you ever catch somebody? And if you did, did you not care? Oh, I cared. I cared a whole mess.

Wait, did you? Oh, dude, there is no greater high than kicking kids your own age out of a theater. I'll tell you, I'll tell you what, this is the... You're a jerk. Oh, I'm a big jerk. I'm a big jerk, but here's the fucking single, biggest grade A jerk off thing I ever did.

So there was a dude who started working at the theater one time, didn't particularly care for him, knew that he was under 17 years of age. And the whole thing was like, hey man, when you're off, you can go see whatever movie, whatever. Nobody gave a shit, right? I said to this crotchety old manager, I was like, hey, that dude's in whatever movie,

that movie's rated R. That dude's under 17. This lady went in and fucking kicked an employee out of a movie. movie. Oh, wow. You narc. You garco. You are terrible. Dude, it's fucking high on power, man. High. That is a kite on power. That is awful. Oh, man. You are Netflix Narcos right now, man. Netflix presents Narcos at that movie theater.

That is unforgivable. Conversely, though, one time me and my buddies were trying to sneak into Gladiator. This was before I worked at the... Wait, wait, wait, wait. Gladiator was rated R? Oh, yeah, dude, of course. There was blood and guts all over that thing. For the crispy critter family that he's got hanging up there? At the very least, man.

So this was at the same movie theater. Any movie in 2000, it had Oliver Reed, and it had to be rated R. Just for Oliver Reed. Graphic Violence had Oliver Reed. So it was the same theater I would later go on to work out. I wasn't working there yet. Gladiator comes out. I mean, I was working there like six months later or something.

But Gladiator comes out. We wanted to see it. we're going to sneak into the theater. This dude who was the biggest fucking dickhead manager at this place was like we bought, we tried to get tickets. It was the thing. We showed our hand, you know, beforehand. We were like, a bunch of tickets for Gladiator, please.

And he's like IDs. And I was like, you're checking IDs, man, whatever. So we bought tickets for U571. And I was like, hey, first things first, I'm definitely not seeing U57. So the theater was sort of shaped like an H And it had like a connecting middle hallway So it was like we're gonna walk to the left To go to U571

Go through the middle hallway Check back into Gladiator Dude we're walking through this middle hallway This dude's sidesteps like John Wayne into a doorway Oh wow Caught us red handed and he's like Where are you going? And we were like oh we're going to the bathroom

He's like If you're not in that fucking U57 1 in 10 minutes You're getting the fucking out of here. That's insane. So that's how I saw U-5-7-1 in theaters. I'm just imagining Columbo is his manager. He's like, hey, what movie

did those kids go take? Just one more question. Nobody wants to see U-5-7-1 in theaters. They bought a ticket to what? You better go sidestep out in that hallway right now. I got a similar thing. The year,

1999. Oh, man, post-apacola. Something like that, anyway. We open on a coconut. You know what? It might have been 98. I can't really remember. We still open on a coconut. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

I want something else. Sorry. I try to buy a ticket at the local theater. Right. Sure. For, oh, hi, I'm an adult man. That, you should have started with that, by the way. That throws the whole thing.

One for American Psycho, please. Oh. Yeah. So that didn't happen. I got shut down and buying a ticket for American Cycle. American Cycle is like 2000, by the way. All right, 2000. Yeah.

I think it was like, it was one month. Still opening out of coconuts. There's not a lot of inventory, but it's still a coconuts. One month from my whatever birthday that made me. Oh, right. Because my birthday's in May and it came on in April. It's 2000, right? Yeah.

How old was I in 2000, Andrew? I don't know, Eric. All right. Hold on a second. 16 years ago. Do the math. Oh, I'm not going to do. No, I've been like.

I got to do it back from my birthday. What are you talking about? You might have been exactly like 17. You were like, you were right there, dude. Anyway, whatever. I was right at the precipice of R-rated cinema. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. So they said no. Uh-huh. And I was like, fool these dumb fucks. One for keeping the faith. Oh, you're not a keeping the face looking guy.

It was like the same star time. And that movie... Excuse me. me, ma'am. No one wants to see Keith. Is that kid going to see a movie where Ben Stiller's playing a rabbi? And he's friends with a Catholic priest? Wait a minute.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. They're both fighting over Jenna Elfman? Track that fucking kid down right now. I think we got an American psycho in this. So, okay. Now, what happens next? You wouldn't believe.

Oh, my God. Click to the next page. It's after the jump cut. All right. Okay, so, you know, I buy the ticket for keeping the fate. And then this fucking dude, because it's like the manager running the ticket. Oh, man, that's the last thing you need. Exactly.

This fucking schlubby dude with a beard that hates life. And he's just like, was I working on that thing? No, no, no, no. You in the future, time travel paradise. Oh, did he grab your cheek? You're going, sloppy dude with a beard there. And curse you to become him. No, dude, this dude pulls out like a walkie-talkie.

He's like, we need a security of here. Oh, whatever. Dude, I am fucking two men escort me to the fucking theater to watch keeping the faith. So they leave. You had a security detail on a romantic comedy. A religious tinged romantic comedy. I get into the theater for. keeping the faith. The trailers begin. Like, this is my break. American Psycho is probably

already started. I got to get out of here. I got to get out of here. I go out into the hallway and one of them's out there. Oh my God. I run back into the theater. I watch Ben Stiller have his whatever's and I'm like, huh. That's when I was like, oh, wow. I didn't know rabbis could have sex with women. So you learned something. I learned something. I learned something. thing in Mazel Toff. Keeping the Fade's pretty good hangover movie, by the way. Really? It is a pretty good. I've rewatched it recently.

I've never seen it since. I've never seen it since because I've hated it because of that experience. That's some understandable bias. I was in the Bronx, so nobody cared. I bought a fucking ticket to 8mm, and I was like fucking 12 years old. This dude has some postscripts in this email. Oh, does you really? Yeah. Okay.

One summer, P.S. One summer when visiting our mom, my older brother turned 17, and we went to see. Air Force One in theaters. Cool. Since we was 17, we considered him my guardian, and since an R-rating means no children under 17 unless accompanied by a parent or guardian, when my mom found out all she said was, I don't know if I approve of that. It's not an Air Force One.

Yeah, it's fine. Get off my plane. It's R-rated because that movie's a little more violent than it needs to be. We're just shooting terrorists, but that's about it. Is that a Wolfgang Peterson movie? I feel like if that movie came out today would probably be PG-13. Like, I feel we've gotten a little laxer with the violence. Well, yeah, but that movie would be made like a Olympus has fallen.

Oh, I see presidential violence. Right, yeah. Threatening situations involving a president. Excuse me, ma'am. PPS, wow, two postscripts. When I was in college, I used to binge watch the office on Netflix at Eat Taco Bell. Now whenever I see the office on TV, I get hungry for time. Taco Bell. What are you, George Costanza with

Sex and the Sandwiches? I am the same way with the movie The Abyss and Rolos. Really? Really? Yeah, man. What the fuck? Both are interchangeable. When I see Rolos, I think of the Abyss. When I think about the Abyss, I want Rolos. That's fascinating.

Yeah, man. I feel like I've got those. I don't have one off the top of my head, though, but I kind of know what you're talking about. Road Rash 3. Road Rash something. Excuse me? And Geneva cookies from... From beverage farm, those pair like red wine and red meat, my friend. Actually, I just thought of one.

If I'm playing, no, so there was the perfect combo one year. Video games is a thing, because that's like a, you just chowing down. I think I may have made this joke on the show before, but I think I could successfully travel back to 1997 if I simultaneously played GoldenEye N64, listen to real big fishes, turn the radio off record, and had the smell of Tommy Hilfiger Cologne in my house. Oh, yeah. Because it was like one Christmas and I got all of those. And it was just like, that's what it was. If that happened, I might successfully travel 20 years into the past. We'll have to do that.

We'll figure it out. Okay. You're up. All right, Eric. All right, Eric. Oh, that was Brian and Jacksonville. Oh, I apologize. Brian in Jacksonville.

All right. Is this, are we up to sexual integrity week? I think that we are. We are up to that. All right. Here we go. Here we go, everyone. Hey, by the way, I'm getting a live news ticker update.

Our in the field correspondent, Chris Cabin, has just sent a message to us because he's just sitting around watching movies. Purge election year is just as good as purge anarchy. Oh, that means it's a great movie. Maybe even better, says Chris Cap. I'm so excited. Live time movie updates from Chris Cabin. That's the thing. People are like, oh, you haven't seen Ghostbusters yet.

I'm like, yeah, I want to see Ghostbusters, but I really. really got to see purge election year. Yeah, I'm kind of excited for purge election year. I haven't seen Perge of Anarchy. I saw that first one. That's it. That's your weekend, man. I just, you know what, don't make me make your weekend for you.

Sorry, Steve. I'll have you stop writing my schedule from now on. So I'm working my way through the W.H.M. Back catalog. When I get to cyber seduction, his secret life. Ooh. Listening to it, I realized that I realized that I, I've heard this story before.

Okay. The inaugural sexual integrity week, which was held in my sophomore year at a prominent Christian university in Texas. Oh, God Almighty. Yikes. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I did 12 years at Catholic school. I was so ready for a state-run college, man.

Yeah. But you did, you know, I mean, Northeast bitter, cynical asshole Catholics is a bit. That's true. This is like. Christian Bible Belt. Christian. That is, yeah. What does sexual integrity We can tell, you ask? Well,

a lot of useless brainwashing bullshit. Sounds about right. There are presentations all week. A week! A week! A week! At our daily assembly in the basketball arena, which seats about 4,000. Wow. So you've got

4,000 presumably horny kids. Just P.T.L. in there, man. P.T.L. Praise in the Lord. I did not know. Excuse me, man. What is P.T.L. Bend over and I'll show you. Colombo. Long dead Columbo.

Knock my glass eye out like that. Oh, man. Popping that magwai. Oh, my God. Now I'm thinking of something else. Of course you are. Yeah. Of what he can do with that. Oh, no. Following what I considered a tasteless skid about date rape.

What I considered. Well, personally, everyone else loved it, but... Or being a slut. Yikes! I'm not really sure. A young man stepped to the podium. Okay, so they had offensive, weird things going on, as you might imagine. Sure.

And then a young man cautiously walked up to this podium. And then he spoke about finding his roommate's playboys. and really liking them. Playboys, what year is this? Playboys gave way that this is 1979. The hustlers, uh-oh. Just one more question. Was my Sharona by the knack?

The number one's thing. Playboys gave way to more graphic magazines, he started saying. I'm wondering where is this going? Mm-hmm. Then it went where I was hoping it wouldn't. He told us, all 4,000 of us, that his junior year, he discovered masturbation. Junior year. Of college?

Holy shit. Did everyone just be like, what the fuck, dude? Wasn't you going to draw you a diagram? 4,000 people laughing and pointing at a 20 to 21-year-old person. That is insane. That is crazy. I mean, obviously, start masturbating. earlier.

Yeah, absolutely. Please. The worst part was that it was porn-induced masturbation, which is, I guess, a sin? Was that on one of them stone tablets, Steve?

No, but the kid, everyone's like, your body is a temple. You shouldn't abuse your body. Body is a wonderland. But you know what, dude, like... If your body's a temple, you've got to fucking mop that shit. You can't let crud just sit around.

That's totally true. You've got to flush the pipes every so off. You're goddamn right. Podre? Hold the phone there now. Don't tell the Padre about it. Listen, on the stone tabs, man.

Yeah. On the stone tabs. Yeah, with them ten little notes. On the stone roses, it says, do not cover, covet your neighbor's wife. Yeah. Right. So you can't jerk it to your neighbor's wife. Specifically no.

Anyone else is fair game. That's what I've heard. What constitutes neighbor, though? Are we talking next door? We talk in the whole neighborhood? Listen, I think. Same zip. No more and no less than 40 cubits from your host.

I think, okay, let's translating it to a house, I would say it's anyone next to you or maybe, you know, anyone on your street. So in New York City, I'd say anyone in your building, you can't check it to. Okay. Then you're going to hell. But, you know, if you've got a neighbor down the block, that's fun. Yeah, that's what? Down the block. So the word.

Okay, so point-induced masturbation. He went on and on. Apparently, this guy was beating it at the drop of a hat for at least a year until, well, you know, Jesus or some shit. Anyway, for the first time in my life, I really truly felt embarrassed for someone. Apparently this guy is, apparently this guy or one of the 4,000 students or faculty that were in there that day, wrote a lifetime movie and I was there at the moment of inspiration. I think he's just saying this reminded him of a cyber situation. But, I mean, again, we're talking Playboys. This has to be in the mid-80s.

Yeah, because we're not talking about internet pornography. Hold on. Well, this is a Christian school. They control that shit like North Korea. That's true. So that internet's probably down. And you can only access Jesusfish.com. Right.

So you need them high-gloss photos. Yeah, you need that hustler. Oh, shit. Larry Flint's going to bring you a hustler. Don't worry, kids. I'll save your college experience. I'm Larry Flint. I'm a large

fish in a wheelchair. That is so what he is. It looks like a large fish. And he just goes, bha, bha, bha, bha, bha. Like when he talks, he looks like King Hippo from Puncho. Yeah, bha, bha, bha.

It's a trap. Oh, man, Admiral Aqvar as played by Larry Flint. Or either or. I think Bona. Oh, no, Courtney Love's tired in a pool. Now he's just turned it to JR, but... Careful there.

JR had nothing to do with that. Courtney Love, that pool, that bathing suits a trap. Well, or bath. That's a free idea, Star Wars sequels. So this fellow goes on to write, you guys make me laugh. Oh, thanks. Keep up the good work, Josh. Well, thank you, Josh, and I'm sorry that you grew up in Texas.

Can I tell you my biggest regret of my high school days? Here we go. We went all... It was an All-Boy's Catholic Academy. We went on a retreat, and all of my friends decided... It was just some religious retreat, an overnight thing. Everybody I knew... It's never just some religious retreat, Steve.

Well, it was something. It was like Jubilee, something or other. Ooh. The X-Men were involved. Some like half Japanese chick was shooting fireworks out of her hands. Absolutely. Now we're talking. But everyone I know, because it was the early 2000s,

did X-Denai. Oh, right? And they were doing some cool... Wait, whoa, whoa. Everyone you knew. All of my friends. Are you serious? All of my good friends.

I only knew grass wolves growing up. But that's the thing. Everybody was rolling, and we're all sitting around a fire, and everyone, all of my friends' eyeballs are popping out of their head. And I'm like, man, you fucking coward, you know? I got to listen to this religious horse shit and everybody else having a really cool time next to me. Everybody's talking to me.

Exactly. Never did ecstasy. Yeah, I missed the boat, too. Of course, man. Dindigo Rowland. Doing that sweet K. Who's turns this? Oh, this is mine.

WHM College slash bad impression. This is part of a chain, actually. The first line of this, when you say it, say it. We'll say it. Never mind, I am just a student and did not realize the complexity of setting up a visit. Now, this is actually in reference to a gentleman student had reached out to us and was like, like, hey, man, I love your show. A bunch of my college buddies do.

You should come play my college. And we were like, oh, awesome. How does that work? And he's like, never mind. I thought you were a legitimate, like, representative of the student government. Right. Like, the major activities coordinator. The union.

But here's the thing. We hate movies. We'll play your college. We will play your college. If you're a college student, you like this show, you have enough friends. Just any, like, we get in with the young youths. Exactly. Exactly.

we would love to play college as step one tell an adult Yes Go to your student union Get that sweet sweet Mandatory Student Activation fee Because that's the thing Well it's a student activity

You're not activating anything Steve student activity Turn the key Look your parents Your parents are paying for this shit now Pull the string You're gonna be up to your fucking eyeballs And debt paying that shit off

Till your 50 years of age If you look at that statement There's a little thing Mandatory Student Activity you're paying it anyway man exactly might as well go to us if you are interested in having us come to your college which we will do get in touch with your student union representatives we will of course do w hm live at your college email we all hate movies at gmail dot com with the proper representation right any college yeah i'll say it any college we'll even do that crazy ass fucking christian college they probably won't want us no likely not no problem with a brush with death You got your Jerry Falwell motherfucker chasing me across a football field

If we're getting that mandatory student activity fee I'll take it Step one is tell an adult Get the student union involved Step two when they're like Oh can I listen to an episode Don't tell them to listen to this episode Give them another episode

And maybe like a safer one We've been talking about a lot of like Animal fucking and checking off recently Maybe something from season five or lower Yeah Without the anchor of the the the

homegrown down to earth gentle spirit that is Chris Cabin we have been fucking pigs for the last few months rolling in

rolling in pigish behavior okay so that's actually fucking pigs and the former PM of Britain and advertisement but seriously yeah go do it

go do it we'll do it so anyway we'll continue on with the letter now so he goes on to say that

I actually have a mailbag question for you you guys have lamented how annoying people doing the Borett voices. Very nice.

Yeah, yeah, that's the one. I recently listened to a podcast where someone had to do a fat bastard impression. Oh, my God. Here's a question. Yeah. Are we talking to soundboard or does somebody? I guarantee you it was that good dude,

my belly. Someone was like, get in my belly. Well, no, am I pressing a button on my computer? No, I think this is, this is, I bet, because this is an impression. I'm doing an impression. Oh, all right. Fat bastard impression. Yeah.

I mean, a soundboard is bad enough, but an impression is worse. They did that, and then they followed it up with the classic line. I got a turtle head pork in eight. Oh, that's so funny. Millions of dollars, he was paid for that. Hey, Andrew, you should be a comedian. Hachy-Machi. Growing up with that movie in theaters, I heard that impression way too much.

You and me, everybody. What are some other awful, overly done impressions you guys have heard? I ask you guys also to point out how funny and out of the ordinary you guys are with the impressions of Jesse Ventura, Jim Belushi, and Nick Nalty. Thanks, Joey. Yeah, I mean, I guess growing up, when I did, I got in my grade school anyway, there was fucking Jim Carrey kid. Oh, I think everybody had a fucking Jim Carrey kid. I saw someone come down with a serious case of Jim Carrey kid. Every time a new movie, when the mask came out, it was smoking and all that shit.

somebody stop me That's a fucking horrible one He took it to about liar He took it to about liar liar And then I think he aged out of it Because I think that's sort of where it stopped All together There weren't catch phrases

But it was like Something about There's that I can teal in the line It's like put some stank on it That one was something there But hit me again I could put some stank on it He was saying in the hallway In a Catholic grade school

Kind of weird FYE But you never E at least we never got the I'm a number 23. I am playing a saxophone. Yeah, that never happened. Oh, the majestic needs funds or else it's going to close Martin Landau?

Or whatever. Bruce Almighty. Yeah, maybe. He's doing a lot of shit in Bruce Almighty. I will say another thing that, you know, I know this is considered a cult classic by some. I saw this movie in theaters opening weekend and wanted to fucking commit suicide in the parking lot. And it became very quotable was that goddamn Napoleon Dynamite. Oh, waf.

Oh, tauts. Oh, my tots. People fucking do Napoleon dynamite impressions. That was a thing for a good long while. That's a movie that's kind of, like, I know you guys hate it more than I do, but that movie is ruined by the fan phenomena. Oh, the culture, yeah. I think one of the most overdone impressions I've heard is Christopher Walken.

Yeah, that's a bad one. That's one of those, like, now... It's one that anyone can do. Right. I mean, and listen, we are more... more than aware that what we're doing here is just silly shit. And we're usually cribbing from other comedians as well. The George Bush is totally Dana Carvey's George Bush.

That's all it is. That's all it is. And we're just admitting that right now. Sure. We're not, you know, claiming to be impersoning. We're not, you know, the three of us may weigh as much as Frank Caliando, but we don't think that we're all Frank Caliando. Whoa! Dude, you ever watch that guy's rotten TV show he had for five minutes?

Frank TV Where he would walk into a house Like you know Because it was that time when it was like You know Dave Chappelle would come on stage And talk about a comedy bit And then it would come on Right

So we were all doing that But it would be like Frank Calliando In this weird house Where it looks like He had the family tied up in the basement He's like Now I'm gonna do comedy for you guys Holy shit

No you know why I never watch Frank TV Because I didn't trust my veins And my arms Not to open up on their own It's why I never tuned into Frank TV Very honest and specific impression of

what if what if Al Pacino ate Robert de Niro? Wouldn't it just sound like Al Pacino? Why would the voice change? No, it's just that he's bigger. Oh, I thought you were saying this was

an actual Frank Calliando bit that he did. No, I'm fat shaming him. Oh, gotcha. What I love about the Frank TV thing was because that's what this letter's about, right? Frank TV? But it would be like, oh, it must have been such a rotten experience because not only do you have to like hang out with Frank Kelly into all day. He's playing all the parts.

So like you as the film crew is like, all right, let's do the Al Pacino part. Yes. And then we'll do the Charles Barkley part where he's fucking talking to Charles Barkley. Yeah, you got to do your, what? Do you play Charles Barkley? Yeah. That dude loved Blackface. FYI.

On TBS. On TVS, man. TBS. We know Blackface. God. Well, you know. And just to get back to my fat shaming, I'm fine with, you know, we're all fat. Yeah.

I just want to let people know. You know, come to the L.A. show, tickets are still available. See how fat we are. Get a good look. I'm just saying, like, I'm not, like, trying to specifically target anything. You know how you can tell that the love guru was a failure, though? You didn't have those same kids walking around going, Mariska Hargutte. Oh, dude.

Mariska Hargettee. Over and over again. Thankfully, society had moved on. We, as human beings, said thanks but no thanks to the fucking love guru, man. All right. Moving on. This is a little, we got a little bit of a We Hate Movies Reddit going on. Big Reddit community on the We Hate Movies subreddit.

Right. That is Reddit.com slash R slash we hate movies. That's correct. And there's over a thousand strong bunch of people talking about the show. Good way to talk about every episode we put out and all that stuff. So there was a Reddit thread that spurred up spontaneously. I think this was from Lady in the Water when we were talking about, oh, it's just getting good when like the lights cut out and stuff.

Oh, sure. So this was a Reddit comment from a thread called movie theater mishaps. Got three points. I don't understand the points on Reddit. They're called upvotes. So three people were like, that's cool, ding. Yeah, exactly. That's cool. Ding.

That's cool. And you'll see, like, even on our little sub, sometimes, you know, we'll get like 40 up votes on a topic. That's fun. I'm just learning, all right? I'm just learning. So somebody named Palantine, don't know if it's a man or a lady. This is my favorite one. Maybe it's a dog writing.

It could be a dog with a blog. Maybe it's a politician running for office in 1976 New York City. We are the people. See Martin Scorsese's taxi driver. I went to see Police Academy 5 by myself Oh, yikes, right away, yikes. Which one was 5 is that? That's Miami Beach.

That's Miami Beach. It's Miami Beach. Good thing to see alone, I guess. A friend bailed out on me. You know what? Then you're not going to the movies. You know what? The whole plan was like, oh, go to the movies on Saturday.

Oh, yeah, cool, blah, blah, blah. Talk to you later. How, hey, what are we seeing on Saturday? Oh, Police Academy 5, talk to you later. Oh, I got something. And I remember being so bummed, realizing that Mahoney just wasn't showing up. And I was a big Bobcat fan at the time, and he wasn't there either. He's back in that balloon.

Oh, no! Anyway, during the fanboat, chase at the end, the screen cut to black and four other people and I sat patiently for 15 minutes for the movie to start up again. Sad, pathetic moment. Oh. Yeah, that's what that is. That's tough. Yeah. The good thing is, though, with that, you could

definitely get a free ticket. You're getting a comp. You want the comp. Without question. Did I tell the story where I met Joel Schumacher on this television, on this podcast? I wish it was a television show. I get the cameras going. Yeah, well, well, we're doing

live show in Los Angeles. Make it happen, Hollywood. I'm all schmooze. Now that I'm best buds with Joel Schumacher. So please tell us your story, your brush with Joel Schumacher, director of Bowling Down. I was unemployed last year, so I got to see a lot of movies during the mid-afternoon on weekdays. That's when you want to go. And Specter was just out. And I was like, oh, I'll check this movie.

I was like two weeks after. I go in, I get my popcorn, get my soda pop. Spector's about to start, and I'm like, oh, fuck, I think that's Joel Schumacher. And he's down there, he's by himself. Obviously, that's when, if you're a luminary, like Joel Schumacher, you're not going to go with the schlubs and the plebs on a Sunday night showing. No, no. You go during the day, so nobody, you want to see Spector like everybody else. And you want to keep your anonymity because, you know what, that ponytail sticks out like a sword phone.

No ponytail this time around. Get out of town. Yeah, he's got a good Bob going these days. Oh, shit. Cut it's a little bit like Andy Warhol. Oh, that's a movie I'd watch. I can appreciate it. I'm convinced this is just some random dude.

It was not. So the movie... Who's wearing a T-shirt that said, I'm Joel Schumacher on it? We set through 20 minutes of Maria Minuto's shit, and then 40 minutes or whatever the fuck trailers I had to see. You're right. And it's James Bond, and it starts up and it says, Boston, 1979. And I'm like, hold on. This is an odd turn for James Bond.

And it's like just people talking in a Boston accent and a police station And I'm like, yeah, I don't know if James Bond is showing up But every, there's like seven people in theater One of which is Joel Schumacher And everyone does that thing where you like poke up like groundhogs And you're like, is everybody else seeing what I'm seeing? You look around like it's going to do something

But you want to make sure that you're not fucking crazy Yes, that's the biggest thing Is everybody seeing what I'm seeing? It's a big thing I could see James It would be interesting, let's reboot James Bond in 1970s Boston. Oh, in Southie, you think?

Yeah, he could be, he could be, you know, a Boston guy. He could have a Boston accent, and he could hate people of other races. Oh, well, he's definitely hating the Irish. No, he would be Irish. He would be Irish. Oh, he would be Irish. He'd be against, like, school buses and stuff. Right.

You can't bring them in here and all whatever else happened in the 70s. Right. Thank you. That's exactly what I was going for. Yeah, so maybe that's a Ben Affleck movie. What you just described is if Ben Affleck was James Bond? Oh, Affleck Bond. It might happen. He's Batman. Bond Fletk. He's Debenair.

Wait a second. Can I wager what's going on here? What's up? Was someone accidentally playing Spotlight? It was exactly Spotlight. Oh my God. What an error. Oh, my God. James Bond versus the Catholic Church? Dude, that needs to happen. I would go.

That's how you'll get me to the Hiddleston movie. It's him versus the Catholic. Well, dude, you're filming in sexy Rome, Italy? Is that confirmed? No. Tom Hiddleston? No, not confirmed at all. All right.

So, we all kind of do this thing. And everybody, all six of us are, it's like more like 14. All six of them. Including Joel Schumacher, get out. And this is what I really get a good lot. Like, only fuck, it's Joel Schumacher. I wouldn't even know what he looks like. And he's like, this is fucking ridiculous.

And I was like, yeah, Joel Schumacher, you're right. And the manager comes and she's like, oh, I'm so sorry, blah, blah, blah, blah. Just give me 10 minutes. I'll change the reel. And then we all kind of just go back in the theater. I hold the door open for Joel Schumacher. He says, oh, what a gentleman.

I'm like, that's pretty cool. That's definite Schumacher, man. Classic Schumacher right there. Yeah, so he gets in and she comes in and the spotlight's going on for like five minutes. She's like, look, I apologize. We're going to get your movie who started right now. And then Joel Schumacher being a theater comedian,

very rare for Joel Schumacher. It's like, well, I think you should get everybody free popcorn. And everyone clapped? Well, to be fair, it's six popcorns. And nothing happens. We did get free tickets. I would love to watch Joel Schumacher redeem that free ticket. Oh, because he's telling the full story.

There's no way he's redeeming that ticket. At best, that's a bookmark in the Schumacher house. So that was my run-in with Joel Schumacher last year. Oh, bravo. So Eric Siska, take us out on our final email of the evening. Of the season, by the way. Yep, this is the season finale of emails. Hello from a silent fan base.

Ooh. Dear, we hate movies. I'm writing in to express my admiration for your podcast and let you know about a large and mostly silent fan base of yours. The inmates of the Eastern Correctional Facility. Hey, now we're talking. Before you freak out, yes, I'm writing. from a maximum security prison but no I'm not a murderer

who close call you know what man people make mistakes that's all I'm saying you downloaded the show by mistake yeah that's the only way you'd be listening that's how the prison community got turned on to us when someone accidentally downloaded it anyway your podcast has become a huge hit

here and has brought in some much needed levity and humor to what can be a long and boring routine we get a limited amount of internet at time, and one of my fellow inmates discovered your website. They're a group of us who have proceeded to burn through the entire back catalog, and we anxiously await each new episode.

We don't get all the pop culture jokes. I've been in here since 2004, so you can imagine I've missed some things. Well, we reference a lot of old-timey things that are actually way before you. The 10-year rule was instated for the prison pop. That's actually very true. Well, now I'm imagining all of our coconuts jokes. He's like, wait, does something happen to coconuts? Guys, guys, something happened to coconuts.

I got all these gift cards at home. Are you telling me I can't go to an F.I.E. anymore? It turns out a lot of people wrote to us that, yes, there's F.Y.E. All over this great land. Which is insane. In the Purple Mountains and all that stuff. And also, I don't care. The Purple Mountains.

Meanwhile, in Purple Mountains, America. But I love your impressions and your sense of humor. I especially love hearing actual New Yorkers. Oh, there you go. Yeah, unlike some other podcast. All those fake New York shows. That's just me saying that. Yeah, oh, I know it is.

Your podcast is a small window of freedom for a lot of us, and I hope it continues for many years. I get jealous hearing about your live shows, but maybe if you're still around in 2020, I'll be able to finally see the gang in person. you also get some huge laughs in here with all your mob mafia jokes well you know as we say and we will constantly say we hate movies as a mob friendly show

pro mafia and you know what I want to expand why make enemies anyway no of course not I want to expand that to the yakuza just because why not just in case well I guess we won't expand it to the area and no we'll leave them out you know what man that's a little little too rough around the edges The mafia is fine If you ever need a favor

I'm sure we can work something out Ha ha ha just kidding question mark Be good to each other And stay the heck out of prison Anthony Tony Quote unquote Tony is the nickname Okay well Tony thanks so much for right I'm almost I kind of

Is this an internet hoaxer I don't know if they I hope it's not because I do imagine If this election goes the way I don't want it to go all three of us are going to be in debtor's prison anyway and we're going to need friends on the inside. That's very true. But we're all lumps of dough

ready for fucking actions right now. Oh, Lord. No, we are not. If you were listening to this from prison, I'm lifting weights right now. I will say this. Thank you very much for writing in. As always

when we get letters of this kind, we are happy to be doing our part. It's constantly insane to us that this stupid show that we started many years ago has brought you know so much joy to people all over the world in all sorts of situations

and you know what you're in prison man it fucking sucks you'll be out in a few years stay strong keep listening to the show and you know we don't talk about this often because it doesn't come up all that often but people do write longer emails about like my parent died my whatever

those aren't fun for mailbags but you know you know rough all over Yeah, and condolences, everyone. Literally everyone. But also, like, we've had emails in the past. I don't know if we were doing mailbags yet, where soldiers stationed in Afghanistan had to listen to this show, made a, like, a little game out of it.

And, you know, that's sort of like prison as well. I've always said, if we could get on that USO bill, I'd do a live show for the soldiers. Oh, what if you get double build with Frank Calli Ando and he's mad at us. Oh, shit. Well, we could compare impressions. I'd be like, hey, Calliendo, how's your Nick Nulte?

And he'd be like, oh, wow, you're really talented. Oh, shit, that dude's really talented. Shit. That is the final WHM mailbag for WHM season six. Can you believe it? And some people have been confused. Just want to clear the air. Sure, go for it.

Clear it up. Oh, okay. Okay. There will be new mailbags starting in September. Yes. There'll be a new bunch of stuff starting in September. August, we take a little break, but there will be three brand new episodes that are our previous few months live tour. Live recording. So we got Predator 2, live in Chicago.

We got Jupiter ascending, live in Brooklyn. We got Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3 live in Rochester, New York. And we've also got reruns. There's so much content. Why would you ever unsubscribe or stop listening? These reruns, by the way, gang, everyone's like, you know, I was on the internet. And I found out this episode didn't work because it's 25 years old. I'm like, yeah, I get it, dude.

I'm not going to fucking break my ass. Tony wasn't even in prison yet when these were coming out. Exactly. Tony was just still doing hits. But no. No, I'm not sure what Tony did. He said he's not a murderer. Either way, we're pro, Tony.

but a lot of these episodes that's what these reruns are they're all episodes that are not on the main feed as they as it stands right we recorded there's like 5% new content maybe a joke is in there right yes we'll we'll introduce them

briefly and you know I think we're kind of going for mostly an all horror theme this August I think we're gonna try to do it so it's like an August spooktacular almost I like that idea yeah horror in the summer like Freddie Krueger going on vacation

And all I'm going to say is if we don't get enough downloads We're not coming back So you know Oh that's true You got to treat these like new episodes Or else we're not coming back We can see those numbers There's a line drawn in the sand

I see you sleeping Canada Let's get on it And that means I better see some downloads From the Eastern Correctional Facility And also have your board Right into the show That'd be great I just want to you know

Hey prove it town me If you want your strange stories read on the air Or your questions for the WHM gang answered Right into the mailbag We All Hate Movies at gmail.com Until September, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Seda. Eric Sisko.

Take it easy. Thank you.