We Hate Movies - S6: WHM Mail Bag: Peein' at the Arcade, Dirty Diapers in the Theater, and One Ticked Off BvS Superfan

Episode Date: April 29, 2016

On this episode of WHM Mail Bag, the guys welcome friend and special guest, Justin J. Case, to read letters about a guy who was almost beaten by video game hustlers, a person who wet themselves due to excessive Dr. Pepper intake and a real love of Tekken 3, a (former?) listener who was upset by our Batman v Superman Colon Dawn of Justice episode, and much more! Do you want your crazy stories told or questions answered on the air? Then write in to the Mail Bag: [e-mail]!Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hello, everyone, welcome to the W. Hi, it's Andrew Jupin here alongside Steven Sadek, Eric Siska, and our good friend Justin J.K. Hey. Welcome back to the program, sir. Now, you were here. We just recorded an episode on American Dreams with a Z. That'll be coming out in a couple weeks. But you're lucky enough to sit in on some letters that we got. From all sorts of people that write us stories. And we're going to start with one about a fella who was none too pleased with our Batman v. Superman Call and Dawn of Justice episode.

Which was his right? First, off come the pants. This is kind of, we hate movies after dark, all right? That's the way that these mailbags always get. So, Steve, get into this one. This is, let's just say it's a lengthy email. All right, take your pants off. We did do a Batman v. Superman episode. You know, we got a lot of crap.

We got a lot of good stuff, a lot of nice comments. We got a lot of crap because we did it. We were a bit raw. We'd just seen the movie. Yeah. You were wearing a leather jumpsuit and saying really offensive things by today's standards. Track 2 on Steve's album. of us being raw about Batman

is something you can't say and shouldn't. This kind of encapsulates a lot of people's negative feelings about our Batman v. Superman episode. They're called parodemones. I'm a huge fan...

Is that the subject or the first sentence? Oh, that's the subject. And the first sentence? The first sentence will be now. Read a damn comic. You guys don't know a thing. I love it already. I'm a huge fan of the podcast,

but I have been able to listen to you because of your BVS bullshit. Sorry for the language. Podcast that curses all the time. Well, don't use it then. Yeah. You could hit delete. You could go back in an email, you know.

He wants to let you know he's a... He's steaming man. Yeah, he's a passionate man. Sometimes you have to use that kind of language to get your point across. I tried to sit through it and listen to why. You hated it, but I can't believe you guys are true D.C. fans.

So let's stop you right there. I care about comic books like 47% of the time. I'm not a true fan of anything. I'm a fan of movies. I'm a movie fan who sometimes kind of loosely read comic books that I loan from people. That's it. I don't think it's ever been like a profession of like, we're all D.C. heads. No, no. And I'm kind of almost in the same boat there. I like movies. Sometimes I like movies based on D.C. properties.

Sure. I've read a bunch of Batman comics. I like them. I didn't get to the part about interstellar demons or whatever. Well, believe that's on the Superman side of things. Okay. Well, not a big soup guy. Just J.K. Well, I'm a Marvel guy through and through, but my thing is more poetry. Yeah, always bringing up Byron. expert. I read Star Wars Comics, buddy. I'll get into me. I believe this movie

is made for the true fans. It did have elements of the BVS comic storyline along with it being a secret death of Superman movie. By the way, there is no BVS comic storyline. So shut up. This movie is made of nonsense

and it uses some tent poles that D.C. has used over the years, me being a DC comics fan. This movie's made of nonsense and held together by bubblegums of bullshit. So shut up. Is it, is

that, um, is that kingdom? Is that like kind of a BV.S storyline? Kingdom come? I mean, Batman's you know, you get two hunks in a room. They're going to start getting down to fucking and they're getting down to fight. Right. That comic book ends with them eating in a diner. It does. It didn't live. It's 1,000

percent does. It's kind of a planet Hollywood. Yeah, they're getting in a planet Hollywood which I still wish existed by the way. Oh, right. It's like a Superman themed thing, is it not? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I remember that name. It was never meant to be a Batman movie, and that's why it works well, because it shows

the hatred Batman has for Superman ever since the beginning. That is a period, but it should have a question mark. I'm cutting out a lot of this. I know you won't read this on the air. Think again. But as a the through and through Batman fan.

This was the ultimate Batman personification, the best Alfred interpretation. Subjectivity exists and I'm fine with it. I'm not even going to comment on that. You enjoyed it. Congratulations. Which, I don't know if you stomached the episode all the way to the part where we talk about how we thought Batman and Alfred were the best part of the movie.

Yeah, we enjoyed it. So that's, that one's not a slam against us. Throughout the comics, and this is a slam. Oh, shit. Batman was called man Other things other than Batman Many of the villains don't call him Batman outright The Joker calls him batsy

If you're looking at the cartoons Not so much the comic books And later on it gets into the comic books But that's fine But the movie isn't called Bats versus Superman It's Batman! The Joker calls him Batsy

The Bat the Bat of Gotham The Penguin is known for using other names He's just known Hold on a second. I think he meant to go back and find out what those were. The thing is, if you're a true D.C. fan, would you do the research? Yeah. Yes, you just know.

Why can't you reel this stuff off the top of your head? Yeah, Drew Believer. Exactly. What did Catwoman say? What did Egghead call Batman? The caped crumb cakeers. You know? He always had those two, the alliteration.

Yeah, yeah. A crummy crusader. The child molest. The child molest. or what? No, I don't do that. Jeff, Jeff the bat. Man, that would be so upsetting

if Batman shows up you start calling him Jeff for no reason. Or maybe, like, Penguin was thought, thought some just random. He's like, I finally discovered who Batman is. It's Jeffrey Price down the street.

And it's not really, but then he just starts calling Batman Jeff. Around the office, I guess. Hell, it's even showing, that the Joker burns down Wayne Manor, and I'm sure you missed that. I'm sure, too, because it's not in the movie.

Yeah, what are you talking about? I mean, maybe, like, they show the Robin costume that gets jacked up in, like, 39 seconds of a split of a second. I don't know what happened to Wayne Manor. It's not really established. Sorry. See, that's the thing is like, listen, you can love DC Comics as much as you want.

And I do. And all those stories involving demons and burning. They're called paradeemans. But. Well, so that's like paranormal demons. So ghosts of demons, but demons are ghosts? No, paradoom demons, meaning that they can fly, meaning basically like a paratrooper. Oh.

Right. They're like bugs from outer space. I always thought like parallel. Again, I am more into poetry, but paradevan, they're from parable. They come from a different dimension, don't they? Right. Yeah, I always thought it was from parallel. No, it's apocalypse.

You know, why can't we just say Gleepclop? That's a real, you know, catch-all. But what I was trying to get at is the world of the movie that is being established needs to explain those ways for a general audience. I, as an average moviegoer, should be able to understand what I watched, not say, hey, was that a random time traveler coming through some portal to talk to Bruce Wayne? What the fuck is happening? Yep, yep, it just happens and it's not explained.

Yeah, you don't make a whole movie for the fans. Also, when things are referred to as this one was for the fans, that's generally implying that it's shitty and only fans would like it because it's shitty and general audiences don't like it. And oncores. Also, oncores. Also, there were comics in which Batman did kill people with guns. I'm too lazy to use Google to look up the issues. Whoa. All right.

Name that comic. Yeah, I mean, dude. Beat the geeks. I'm sure it does happen, but that's not the traditional story telling of Batman. I would love to see what his answer is on that, because one of the things I don't, no, that's not it. No, it's not what I mean, elseworld sure, maybe a flat. Oh, yeah. You want to do some elseworld stuff?

I don't even know what the hell you two were talking about. Flashpoint. Oh, yeah, he's like, oh, like, what if? Like, what if Batman killed a lot of people with guns? Oh, that's not like canon to the regular stuff. Yeah, that's like, what if? what's the other one? What if Spider-Man was

black? That's the one. Yeah. That's the what-if game that Marvel likes playing. Right. Oh, okay. I'm too lazy to look up these issues. I'm sure, I'm not sure you guys ever read the death of Superman. I did. But this isn't the interpretation of that

summer event of 1992. Actually, it's not. Because doomsday's in 20 minutes of the movie and doesn't wear a cool space outfit and doesn't fight the fucking Justice League. One by one by one and yeah it's not what that is steve's turn of as red as this t-shirt oh man uh uh and and then uh i i wanted to state that because you kept calling it nine eleven which is highly offensive we live in new york city and that first scene has nine eleven imagery up and down

and up and down yeah if you don't think that this movie and dozens of other of these comic book blockbusters are aping people's memories of watching towers fall down. That's what these things are. It's 9-11 porn, and that's what we mean by 75-9-11s, because it's a comedy show. The joke is the destruction is like as if 75-9-11s happened. That actually gives me a very clear concept of what, like, yeah. I mean, it's over the top, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's excessive, like this email's length. The camera guy you missed was Jimmy Olson who got shot in Africa. Spoiler alert, Justin. Yeah. Don't worry. I know. Somehow I know everything about it. But I know more about what happened to Jimmy Olson in this movie than anything else. But you wouldn't know it's Jimmy Olson if you watched the movie. None of us did. Professor D.C. over here that wrote this email likes to think that he pointed that out right away.

That's how you're writing that sentence. And that's impossible because nobody knew that watching the movie. It was in the end credits, which I'm sorry, we left. Also, if I had to make a, if I had to make a case in front of the Supreme Court why Zach Snyder hates D.C. and hates Superman specifically, it's, it's, my, my number one piece of evidence would be shooting a nameless Jimmy Olson in Africa in 13 seconds for no reason and calling that a fun Easter egg. You fucking jerks. Oh, you are, uh, yeah, you're getting wrong. here too. Yeah. We're in the leather suit and everything. Whatever. Going on a long time.

You miss that this is the new God Superman. You missed you fucking miss Darkside's presence. I didn't miss it. It's not in the movie, man. Also, what happened to curbing the language? Oh, now. I bet he's had a couple. This is why the fuck you hate the movie.

You complain about the parents' death scene but when it's not force-fed to you what's going on, you complain it's a horrible movie. Spoiler alert, This does not happen, but Superman fights dark side. Spoiler alert, this does not happen. You know, spoiler or something doesn't happen? No, like, yes, Superman fights dark side.

Superman fights fucking bibbo sometimes. Superman fights a metallo. None of these things matter because it's not in the movie. What is this guy smoking? Where can I get them? Seriously. I think a lot of people give this movie a hard time because they were very loose,

they want a very loosely, version turn the page of a comic that they never read if you couldn't tell I'm listening to this thing as you speak and it's worse than watching sucker punch sure honestly I feel you guys

want to find a movie like everyone else but this is Zach Snyder's best work up for debate I hate you guys for hating this movie I honestly love this year because this is the best comic book adaptation of a multiverse DC being brought to the camera. So basically, if you throw them all into one movie and don't explain any of it, that's the best

version of the multiverse. Oh, I thought he meant like the cinematic universe that they're attempting to set up. Could be too. You need a decoder ring for this. This movie is an Easter egg of treasure chest. And I'm reading this word for word. Treasure. This is an movie is an Easter egg of a treasure.

treasure chest for true fans. I don't care. The treasure chest full of Easter eggs. Yeah, or either Roar or any exactly. Treasure chest full of Easter eggs it is. I kind of want this guy, you Andrew to be like hanging out

in front of, you're chasing this guy down a hole with a gun and like he's standing in front of a waterfall and he yells out, Jimmy Olson got shot in Africa. And you go, I don't care. And he's I try and shoot him.

Oh, whatever. Hopefully I can forgive you guys for this sin. I hope so, too. I hope so. Sin. Yeah, sin. You know, you don't need to write a resignation to a podcast. You can just kind of let it go.

Yeah, you can just tune out. I don't care. It may take some time. Keep up the horrible work. Hopefully, one day, I can listen to my favorite podcast again. Favorite. And I'm not kidding you, what are the next couple of things? I'm not making up.

Side, Kenny G. Sent from my phone. Sent from my phone. Also, the flying peeps are parodemans. You make me sick calling yourselves comic book fans. You make me sick. Dude, all right, here's the thing about the parodemans thing, because a lot of people said that. And a lot of people tweeted, like, oh, by the way, those are parodemans in nice ways.

You know what? That's how to do it as a nice thing. adult. By the way, it's a parademon in case you care, but you might not. Which I love parodemans. I love the new gods. I love the JLA story Rock of Ages where Green Lantern gets turned into a parodemon. I knew what a

parodemon was going into this movie. Well, fuck me sideways, Steve. It sounds like you read comic books. But if the movie doesn't... Oh, he's faking it. If the movie doesn't actually integrate or tell you what you're watching and shows a dude with wings,

I'm not going to just assume it's a paramedaman. I might have missed there might have been a dark side flag or some horseshit, but it's done poorly and I missed it and I'm a fan. So whatever. Yeah, he was the one sniffing out all them Easter eggs, Kenny G. Steve was looking. I was looking

I'm always looking for paramedians. I just want to say to Kenny, like, you know. Kenny G. Excuse me. Oh, yeah. I would like to say to Kenny G. I would like to say to Kenny G. I was going to say that You know, it's okay that you like that movie, and I understand you have passionate opinions, and that's fine, too.

And I honestly don't hold any ill will against you or people who like that movie. Sure. It's not for me. Yep. Come back to the fold, Kenny G. Any old time, we had a lot of fun. I don't know, Kenny, if you just want to never listen again. Alternatively.

I don't care if you pick up the show. I mean, look, yeah, it's okay to like a movie. It's okay to like that movie. I just didn't like it, and it's okay that I missed some stuff. Yeah. Also, save yourself the time and don't write long emails like that. I had fun with it. All right.

Next letter. All right. Larry the Cable Guy, high school alumnus. Ooh. Hey, guys. Larry the Cable Guy is a bit of a local celebrity in Florida. In fact, he's an alumni, alumni, alumnus of... My private Baptist Christian high school in South Florida.

I'm convinced his honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker is a shout out to the many Christian values that seem to stick on him like so many pieces of toilet paper. That's an email. Apparently he's from Florida, question mark, and now he lives in Nebraska. The Dan's the way around. Yeah, I thought he was born in Nebraska.

Well, this is someone claiming that he went to high school in Florida. Oh, I'm just trying to get... It's plenty of years to move before high school. Larry the Cable Guys' Ancestry.com. He's cool. Just look at him. He's a skunk cape. Where was I?

Toilet paper. And moon pie crumbs to his southern body. I went to his high school. A Hispanic Catholic from New York, three strikes against me. Already at the bastion of southern values. These strikes are nothing compared to the faux pause of admitting that I am not familiar with the comedy stylings of Daniel Whitney. Oh, yeah, that'll get you killed down there.

You're a Catholic, and you don't know where any cable guy is? Everyone in my school looked at me as if I was a cultureless carpetbagger. I don't think anyone thought you were a carpetbagger. I'm pretty sure they didn't. as they him and haught at me stuffing moon pies and mountain dew into their gaping maws this guy doesn't like his classmates no well who does what a shit we eat buddy my friends in school told hey hey man don't worry you will get to see him live he's coming to the football game he spawned he's coming to a football game period oh my god wow he sponsored our team

Get Her Done. Wait, they're the Getter Duns? It's not capitalized, so I can't help you out. I'm just curious. Oh, like the mascot was the Getter Duns. Oh, here come to Getter Duns. It should be even Florida. It should have been Gators.

It should be Gator Dunn. Oh, Gator Duns. Oh, Gator Dunn. Jesus, come on. Oh, that's my new animated series on Netflix. I play Gator Dunn. Dude, he could guest spot on BoJack Horseman and play Gator Dunn. It's the perfect.

character name for him. It really is. Forget Maider. Gator Dun. Oh, does he ever say Maider Dun in those movies? Please write it into the mailbag. Because I'll never watch him. I saw that first one in theaters and was thoroughly unimpressed.

Is that like Paul Newman's last movie? We're one of, right? It's either that or Road to Perdition. What are he playing at a Volvo? I don't know. That's some broke down piece of shit car. No, he probably had a handsome old man car.

A Rolls-Royce. Oh, okay. No, I don't know what he was going to say a woody. Remember those cars? Were they had wood paneling on the sides? Sure. Love them. So what's going on at Larry High?

Let's see. Well, meanwhile, that following Friday night, we went to Under the Lights and waited in anticipation as this pseudo-celebrity would appear. The unfortunate thing is, no, he's a celebrity. He's an honest of goodness. You're on Prelis who goes, you're a celebrity. Yeah, yeah. Well, he was 30 minutes late. The game delayed.

People became restless. What? To wonder, has our favorite local son abandon us. Hey, sorry, I'm late, everybody. The drafter line at Arby's was crazy. I was taking his shit. Everyone applaud. You're forgiven, Larry.

Oh, well, he did it again. He was shitting. You're the parts of hard, your back crack. And everyone goes, yay. Come on, man, you got to keep the words. I was ready to home when all of a sudden, like a bat out of hell, a cameo golf cart screeched on the field. And there he was in his sleeveless glory. Oh, wow.

Camouflage golf guy. Again, period. He came out, who didn't holler, said, get her done about five times. And then let the whole school in a prayer thanking Jesus for all of our success. Yeah, all of our success. And eventually football victory because everyone knows J.C. loves football. Again, poetry. After the prayer, he said, God bless America.

God bless our football team and high school. And then said, well, I got to get out of here. Got a, I got my own Super Bowl to get to. It's the toilet, because he's got to take his shit again. That's what's going on. Get her done, then drove away is Toby Keese, red, white, and blue, putting in the background. I was floored on that night vowed to move above the Larry Dixon line and never look back. Sorry for the long email.

Thanks for all the last guys. Thank you. Gabe. Oh, thank you, Gabe. I think being named Gabe in a school where Larry the cable guy shows up. A bad idea. Yeah. Oh, of course you give me this one.

Well, it's got you written all over it. I cannot give you this one. I like telling a bunch of high school kids you have to go to take a shit. Like, that's your thing. No autographs, kids. I got to take a shit. This is my own Super Bowl.

Praise Jesus. Taking the shit now. Give me five minutes. I'll come out here with a brown pen. You ever pray so hard, you wreck, cracks. Okay. Oh, this is what you thought had me written all over it. Messing myself at an arcade.

I thought we were done with shit stories. No, there's more. You explicitly asked for none. Well, this might not be shit. Let's see. Let's see. Let's see. I shoot myself at an arcade.

Dear, the We Hate Movies crew, and the ghost of Chris Cabin. During your recent The Wizard episode. Is that you, Justin? Chris Cabin didn't die though, right? No, dude, he's missing. Yeah. He's in my name.

He's presumed. Yeah, I presumed that, yeah. It's sort of like where Errol Flynn's son, Sean, went missing in Vietnam as a war photographer. Yeah, it's the exact same thing. He never got found. Exact same thing.

During your recent the wizard episode, near the end, you asked viewers to write in with any experiences about shitting themselves at the arcade. No, we asked for stories about the arcade. You filled that part in, Bell. It works. I'm fine with it.

You then tried to immediately backtrack on that, but it's too late because memories of an unfortunate 1998 experience came hurling back into my brain, and it must be shared with the public. I believe what it was was we said stories about the arcade not about messing yourself. There was no backtracking. When I was six, my parents had been broken apart for numerous years,

and we're both trying to get back out there in date. My mother began a relationship with a tall chain-smoking furniture mover named Rob. Rob. Get her done, Rob. Rob, cared for my mother very much and wanted to get on my good side, but because I didn't care for sports, parentheses, on account of the fat. Been there, Rob. No, this is Coda.

Sorry. Rob is the... Rob is the step... Well, the boyfriend. Oh, yeah, the boyfriend. Excuse me. Because of the fact, he found a different way to bond with me. Video games.

My earliest memories of him was sitting down to play Star Fox and Mario Kart, only for him to give me his Nintendo 64. Well, Rob was growing up. It was time to shed those video games consoles, right? He was off to a good start. But we also used to frequent a local arcade by the name of Loco Joe. which had everything from diehard arcade to centipede to a smoke-stained wall from the bar that was attached to it.

I like that. One afternoon, I decided to dump numerous quarters into my favorite game at the time, Tekken 3. Favorite game at the time, Tekken 3. That had some stuff. You could fight as a panther-headed guy. Oh, yeah, that was kind of cool, yeah. I mean, it was a...

But Tekin was never anybody's favorite. Yeah, it wasn't... This person. It wasn't my favorite. That's... Yeah, it's not for me. respect your opinion. I didn't enjoy playing fair,

so I picked the giant snake slash dick-armed monster that was cheap and vastly improved my experience. Okay, all right, I need to play Taken 3. Oh, man, imagine all right, Liam Neeson character

in Tekken. Now we're doing that. That's a video game. I've got a very special set of skills, guy with a dick-armed monster. You've taken my daughter. Panther-headed guy. They're all Albanians or something, yeah.

Hey, robotic samurai guy. Stuff. Messing with my daughter. Unfortunately, I wasn't one to be shy from two to four cups of Dr. Pepper at a time. Oh, man. At a time. Often slamming them down between fights. What is he fucking forest gum?

With two, too many settling in my bladder. Bladder is capitalized, by the way. That's nice. I knew I had to pee, but couldn't walk away from all those quarters in the machine. And despite loving the game, I had an irrational fear of the you lose screen. So I did what I had to do. I think your fear is in line with other people's fears. I finished my rounds, and just as I was about to finish,

I broke down and pissed my pants. Come on. As soon as I was done, I ran over. As soon as I was done. What? Pissing or fighting? Both. I ran over to Rob loudly proclaiming, I'm sorry, I thought I could hold it and finish the game, but I couldn't.

Do we have an age on this? I forgot that part. When I was six, he says, six or eight, that's fine. I mean, it's not great, but it's fine. Jesus Christ, God damn it, he yelled. What the hell did you do that for? I did not have any understandable explanation, and never having been a father before, he was not ready for this kind of emergency. So he did the only thing he could.

He drove me to his mom's house and borrowed a pair of her sweatpants. Oh, this is humiliating. I was embarrassed beyond belief. Oh, man, you know it's worse? So you pee yourself right in an arcade in a public place. Then you got to go to some unknown old lady's house and then put on her pants. That's how you get a complex Yeah, that's either like something that really freaks you out

Or the only way you could shoot from now on Shoot? You know what I mean I don't have enough quarters for that I was embarrassed beyond belief And this day did a pretty good job Representing our future relationship He went on to become my stepdad

And has since been so for the last 18 years And if you're wondering, yes This was my first peak at the beginning of Tom Berringer's stepdad neither he never let it up nor did the arcade manager who made note to ask me not to pee on his floor

that sucks that's a dick that guy's a dick even when I came in on my birthday for my party with friends you kids play but you don't piss on that floor with piss and love Cota from Des Moines

gross Cota that's humiliating peeing your pants is tough like shitting your pants it's a little it's almost better right because here's it it definitely is

because here's the thing hiding it usually is a little easier and it happens that it's over with peeing your pants like oh it's happening ah shit

oh oh oh oh oh it's like it's that moment of like it's the double dare moment like right like you're running around with a chick without a head and then it's over with also like

don't pump that many quarters into the machine yeah just one at a time it why you're loading it up like a jukebox That's a good point. Don't pump fast.

So this next one... Pump responsibly. This next one's called Video Game Story for Mailbag. Oh, perfect. Hey, perfect. It's appropriate. Are you guys you would fucking comic book fans?

This one's got Eric written all over it. Morning, gang. On your recent episode on The Wizard, you joked a bit about betting on video games. I'm writing in. to tell you that I lived through something like that back in the summer in 1994 when I was

16 years old. What a time to be alive. This is the magical summer starting right here. Oh, yeah. I worked at sideshow pizza. Three sex and candy, by the way. I worked at sideshow pizza, which was

a cut rate Chuckie cheese. Oh, Charles Entertainment Cheese? Yes, I just found that out too. Was this middle name Entertainment? Yes. Oh, wow. I didn't know. Charles Entertainment Cheese

Why would you even bother? Do you think like his father or grandfather's first name was entertainment and it's kind of like honoring the family? Yeah, I'm Entertainment Cheese.

Well, it's probably Entertainment Cheeslovsky and then they cut it down at Ellis Island. It was in a bad neighborhood. Okay. The place was starting to fall apart and there was a pending lawsuit

from a family of a kid who fell off the indoor ferris wheeler earlier in the year. Oh, Lord Almighty. You're asking for a lawsuit with an indoor ferris wheel. You are. You really are. Any indoor version of outside carney rides, that's a big problem. You know why? Because indoor implies you couldn't afford something.

You're totally. And that's not the base I want my carnival rides to be built. I don't know. We're a little short. Better bring this roller coaster inside. I fucking worked at a place with an indoor roller coaster. It was terrifying. Because if it got wet, it would fall apart.

I don't know. If it gets cold out there, I don't want to be on that roller coaster. Let's bring that sucker inside. You don't want those pipes to freeze. The kid didn't die or anything. But it was still a major blow for the place. He just became a quadriplegic. I was working there as a janitor, four-hour shifts every day after school,

and an eight-hour shift on Saturdays. Oh, God, six days a week. Perfect work for me as a lazy high school kid. I only did about 20 minutes of real work. Sure. And mostly just played arcade games, smoked sigs in the parking garage, or unsuccessfully hit on girls.

Now we're talking. My boss caught me playing Gallagher one time, and I thought for sure I was going to get fired. But instead, he just talked to me for a few minutes about a new idea he had. The arcade games brought in big crowds, and he thought he could get even more money off of it if the kids had a challenge.

So I would set up at a random machine each night and set the game master score for each machine. Oh, what? What is the color of money? Let's go on. Yeah, dude, 16-bit money. If any kid could beat it, they'd win 100 tickets.

If they could beat the score, then find me. I wore a jumpsuit that said, the game master on the back. Oh, man. Were you still unsuccessfully hitting on girls at this point, Mr. Game Master? I challenged them to a two-player competitive game. If they beat me there, they'd win 500 more tickets. So I guess like he saw him and saw talent, right?

He wasn't just tooling around. I guess this guy's pretty good at video games. I guess so. Yeah, but like so you win 100 tickets and then 500 tickets. You got enough for what, an oversized comb? What a fucking racket. He told me to set up a score that was beatable, but only. by playing multiple times.

Well, all right. Hey, I don't know what that is. I don't know what that is. Hey, can we stop right now? I don't know what that is. Well, then you're fired. You're clearly not suited to be the game master.

Yeah, that's true. I'm not the game master. God, read a fucking comic book. You make me sick. Fucking sick. Yeah. Fuck you, Steve. Someone needed to say it.

And I wasn't supposed to hold back on the two player games. I was the game master. Yeah, really. decimate those kids I had to be tough to beat then joy of joys he gave me the keys to all the machines so I could play

for free oh that's unlocked final level it's well the toilets are a disarray because the janitor became the game master and no one then became the janitor who's got the janitor

written on the back of their jacket just keep promoting people but you're not backfill in those positions yeah exactly exactly you wonder why the fucking roly coaster went to shit it's because that guy

became the fucking game master too for about a month the plan was win win the kids had fun I got paid for playing video games and the crowds were bigger

than I'd ever seen them before my paycheck jumped up a lot too oh shit this is the color of money so we must have been finally turning a big profit

in all that time only a few kids beat me at the two player games so the game master It became a legendary figure. Oh, man. To whom, sir? You don't become legendary by getting beaten a bit.

Speaking of being beaten a bit. Then one night I was walking to my car after work and somebody jumped out from behind the dumpster. He was wearing a ski mask and had a tire ironed his head. No, he did not. This might be a little fantastical. This might be a hoax. Okay.

I only had a punch and it kicked. I kicked to throw at him. I was all out of throwing stars. Then I figured out Select was jump and I beat him. I kept hitting the punch button, I turned electricity, and I won. He threatened me with it, then said that I need to lose tomorrow or else he'd, quote, unquote, do a number on me. Oh, no.

I was pissed. So this is being asked to take a dive. Yeah. I was pissing my pants. It was fear. Sure. Talk about messing yourself at the arcade. Exactly. And he agreed to.

Then I had to go to Rob's grandmother's house and put on her sweatpants. My boss came walking out shortly after this, though, and had a shotgun in hand that he used to protect the place. Holy shit. I told you it was a bad difference. He put the gun on the guy and he called the cops.

Long story. For a hundred tickets, you're going to fucking threaten someone's life? I guess so. Stay tuned, Steve. I've read ahead on this one. Long story, sure. Turns out this guy had started betting actual money on my competition and merely lost $19,000 in a month. You fucking loser.

He kept thinking I would lose and even brought in a ringer at one point. A kid who had a Super Nintendo and played Street Fighter 2 constantly, which was my game of choice for the two. player challenge. I still beat the kid, which I'm proud of to this day. How could you not be? I ended up quitting as Game Master after that. Everything went sour, huh? Dude, there's nowhere for

the Game Master to go after a scandal like this. Oh, I got this kid he's playing fucking Street Fighter 2 morning, day and night. He's going to beat that game. Also, who's going to take that bad? Who are he losing this money to? Kids? Yeah, no, some guys, it's like, yeah, I'll take the

action on that. I bet the Game Master will win. Dude, people, this is the thing. People will gamble on anything. Anything. It must be all people with gambling problem. I think what you're betting on Street Fighter, too, you definitely have a gambling problem. Oh, yeah.

Like, there are people that will bet, like, how long it'll take you to take the subway from my house back to your hotel tonight. There were people, they would take action on them. Just get that thrill, huh? Because they're degenerate gambling. See, but that number, that story is incredible. And what, I like it so much, but the number, $19,000. It's insane. And you know, you know the thing about it is, 19 grand down, dude?

That's probably on like four bets. Like, this is like high money betting. I thought Blanca was going to go down, man. I didn't know Chunlee had that kick move, man. I want to see this. He just keeps crouching and sweeping me over and over. Oh, don't cheese are you jack? No, cheese.

Because of there's six cheese. This should be like a short film by Scorsese. So there's a little more. You know, you ended up quitting. And then so he started working for Burger King, which sucked. But at least he didn't get a tack in the parking lot. The sideshow pizza ended up shutting down while I was in college after being hit with several fines for selling alcohol to minors. Sounds about right.

But before it shut down, I had a chance to visit it. during my freshman spring break. I didn't expect anyone to recognize me. Nobody did, but I went up to the old Gallagher machine and found my high score was still on the top. Oh, yeah. Thanks a lot for listening, and I love the show. All the best, the Game Master.

Oh, fuck, yeah. He earned that sign off. He earned it. Yep. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah. What a story. Yeah.

19 grand, huh? I like a good yarn. I like a yarn. barn bar like a good yarn bar you want to go to the barn yard I was going to say yarn barn that I got to twist it up all right Steve Zadak last one

so well there's two more oh I pause sorry everybody they're quickies hello mailbag story aon flux changed my life okay hello WHM crew in 2005 I was dragged by a friend to go see aon flux that's what they all said

Yeah, we are no longer friends My owner led me to a local theater Where Anflex just happened to be playing We are no longer friends by the way I had seen the cartoon Detail I don't need Sorry I had seen the cartoon and it was curious

But I was hesitant because the last movie He had dragged me to as Attack of the Clones And we all know how that turned out Yep Anyway, the movie had been out a week already So our showing was pretty much empty Albeit for us a couple of small groups And some lone woman there

with a baby. The woman decided to sit in the road directly in front of us in a near-empty theater during previews and the baby started crying. You know what, everybody? That baby didn't need to see Aon Flux. Or did it? I mean, that's a pretty sexy cartoon. Like, I don't need to bring a baby to that.

Well, it's like a baby, you know, they don't know what they're watching. It's like... If it was like an infant, right? Yeah. They're not even looking at the screen. It doesn't matter. They know they don't like loud explosions. Yeah, that's a... Yeah, that's true. The woman did not take the baby out, which...

Do you mean kill it? Joke that baby out. Take it out. Take the shot. Take the shot. This baby's ruining aeon flux for our audience. Take the shot. The woman did not take it out, which really irritated me. Eventually, the baby stopped crying as the movie began.

Nice baby. That makes one of us. Low and behold, 30 minutes into the movie, I started to sort of. of tear up. Not because it was emotionally engrossing, but without the warning, the baby decided it was time to fill her diaper with the most foul-smelling

shit I had ever seen. Well, at least this is... Someone, it's appropriate. They're shitting their pants anywhere in public. Yeah, that's true. I tried my best to ignore the stench, but thinking that this woman would take the baby out again... Take it out! Now definitely take it out.

Take a shot. To change it, but... So I did not say anything right away. Five minutes to go by, and the woman is still sitting there with a baby who must have been eating actual feces in order to create such an odor. So I took my friend who has his shirt up over his nose but continues watching the movie. Like this is normal to him. Realizing I am going to have to step up and save the nine or so other people in this theater, I lean forward and politely ask if she can take care of her child's

situation. She looks at me and just turns back towards the screening of my request. I look back at my friend with a can you believe this bitch look on my face wow also how engrossed was this woman in aon flux the movie also we're all just watching aon flux trying to get through the day so let's all relax we're all in this theater together wow you're watching baby shit you might as well smell uh and she he does not even look at me already furious at this point because i spent nine dollars to this awful film and the previous crying incident and lean forward again and say listen you stupid fucking C word

Jesus Lord it's the nuclear option You take this baby out of here right fucking now or I will take you out What? Take the shot She immediately stands up horrified

At what I said and leaves the theater Triumphant I turned back To my friend Triumph Congratulations Who only gave me a brief glance Before uncovering his face And went back to watching the movie

10 minutes go by and I get the horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach it was not for something I'd eaten but from the way I had talked to this woman oh everyone's learned a lesson today feeling awful I get up to go out and look for the woman so I can apologize

because you're watching Aeon flux dude Yeah you can step out for a post-slur apology When I left the auditorium I was not expecting her to be sitting on the bench directly from across the exit apparently waiting for me this is the first time I could really see her

from the dropped it but I see her and she was dropped dead gorgeous the moment she sees me she sits down the baby from the bench gets up and quickly and starts quickly coming towards me I realize this woman is about to punch me and I made every effort to avoid the punch

I failed after punching me square in the forehead where I now have a tiny scar from one of the rings on her hand I love this she tried to swing at me again this time I was more ready and caught her arm than the other

oh like the terminate I will terminate you. Nice move, Bruce Lee. I know. I will take the shot. I gave her a second or two to calm down that I apologized for what I had said, and we sat down for a talk. After Tong Nur for a bit on the bench, I actually was enjoying a company a lot and asked for her number. We started dating shortly there, after. And I am proud to say that 10 plus years later, she is now my wife. That is a meat cute.

The baby with the foul-smelling shit Is that my 11-year-old stepdaughter Who I love like my own Our life is great together How could it be That's my note, not his And I still cannot believe How we got together sometimes

When we tell people how we met They are always quite stunned The only downside of this story The only downside Whenever we get into a fight, she brings up how I called her a stupid fucking C word the day we met and I end up for apologizing for it for the rest of the darn night.

Like, yeah, obviously. For the rest of death. Yeah, for the rest of my life. I've been apologizing for that. Take my wife out of Aon Flux, please. I will leave you with this. The movie ended that night without either of us seeing it though through to the end

we have seen it on TV and my god my daughter's diaper that night was more pleasant than a film anyway thanks for all the work you guys do making me laugh for the last few years Matt I guess that's a happy ending congratulations that's as happy as it could be

lucky son of a bitch Smith that is don't try that at home folks no yeah that's not how you rule a one in a million shot million a one shot doc million to one take it out take out the baby take the shot uh all right this is our last one here we go here we go ran out the night

nes got me laid repeatedly hi gang i went on a date with a mysterious internet stranger one snowy night in 2012 well that's one way to start an email he was moving uh he was trying to move a uh a couch inside of a van Q. Lazarus blaring. He wasn't very talkative and at first I was sure he hated me. Did he have that cast on his arm or what?

She's a great big fan person. After a couple of beers, we got on the subject of comic books and how both Alan Moore and Frank Miller are nut jobs and things started to warm up a bit. Can I ask you a question? Have you ever read a fucking comic in your life? Are you a real D.C. fan?

What? What? I mean, my question is they're talking about Alan Moore and Frank Miller, why aren't they talking about parademons? That's where the convo's at, baby. That's what gets you laid. Parat demons got me laid, comma, never. Now, I'd just

broken up with my partner of five years, so I wasn't really looking for anything in particular. I was very inexperienced with dating, and even less so with hooking up culture. But when he asked if I wanted to go to his place to watch shitty movies, play video games, and drink, I somehow said yes. I don't know, about that somehow.

Sounds like a pretty fun night. No, not a fun night to any of you. It just seems a little bit nerve-wracking. I don't know this. I don't know this dude from anyone. I don't know this dude from Alan Moore. I'm not going anywhere with him. I don't know this dude from Buffalo Bill.

You got to get the high score. You die. He went to his bedroom and came back with a ski mask and a tire arm. By the way, you ever see that movie? You die in the game. You die for real. Click, click. Now, if Sonic, it loses all his rings and then gets hit by the,

that bumblebee, you're going to get shot in the head. And by that I mean stung. Oh, you made it. You better hope you're good at Zelda. Welcome to Donkey Kong Country.

Things run wild in Donkey Kong country. We went back to his place where he proceeded to watch we proceeded to watch two of his favorite films, Streets of Fire. Parentheses, stay tuned. No, that's a fun movie.

And I'm not going to do an episode. It's a fun movie. It's a weird movie. And House to the second story. Spooktacular. Stay tuned. Now that's a possibility. While we drank homemade apple jack, an alcoholic concoction of apples, vodka,

cinnamon, and what I could only presume was arsenic. You know what? You're not too familiar with danger culture. Goodbye, horses. Oh, I made you this drink. Let's play some video games. This is a picture of my dead mother. I'm going to leave it out now.

It helps me play video games. This is her dress I'm wearing. When we were well and truly plastered, well, at least you were. He was emptying it on the plans. That's when we decided to break out his NES and play some Chippendales rescue rangers. Now we're talking. Great game. We got to do that on animation damnation, by the way.

A video game? No, Chippendale, you fucking idiot. Did you read a fucking comic book, you stupid fuck Steve God? Fuck you. You make me sick. Sick, I say sick. You call yourself a kid of the 90s. A piece of shit.

I sucked hardcore since I hadn't played in years, but he was surprisingly good at the game. The night had gone so swimmingly that we, as Andrew would say, got down to fucking. All right. Wow. Quotable. Here's the question.

Are we pausing the game? Are we like on a, not on a load screen? I guess it depends on what the game master was. Well, were they playing on an NES or did we have like an emulator kind of thing? Yeah. I don't know what techies got down in the dungeon.

That's the problem. We don't have eyes and ears in the dungeon. Take the shot, Eric. And trust me, when I say, that was very unusual for me. I trust you. But those NES and shitty movies were such a turn-on. How could I say no? Listen, I watched Streets of Fire.

I've watched it twice this year. You want to get down to fucking with that movie. Well, dude, William Defoe is wet that entire movie. Oh, for sure. But he's getting it wet. It's great. You got Diane Lane looking like all. all get out? Oh, yeah, man.

Streets of fire. Michael Perry, breathing through his mouth the entire movie. He's one of the worst actors of all time. Oh, man, we've now been married three years. Well, all right, it worked out. He didn't kill you. Yet. It takes, oh, it's taking a long

time for that apple jack to work. Better Marrier. That arsenic and that applejack hasn't kicked in. Better Marrier. Doing a dot impression, by the way. Yeah, oh, yeah. Well, this is nice.

They've been married for three years. He has an unhealthy fascination with Nintendo Power Gloves. Oh, okay. He owns at least five, which he mods with LED lights and sometimes sells on Etsy. They're so bad. The line from the wizard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you've got to clarify, though, because she sent a picture, and it looks pretty cool.

It does. I'm sure if you searched modded Power Gloves, this guy's the only guy doing it. I meant bad ass and bad ass. Yeah. Should read a fucking comic book, Andrew. I'm so sorry. I make myself sick. So fucking sick.

Fuck you. I'm going to stop listening to my own show. He specifically asked that I saved the wizard episode to listen to you together. Oh, that's nice. Smiley emoticon. I think I'll keep him around. Anna. Oh, that's very sweet.

That's very nice. I'm just glad this didn't end with I got murdered and this is a ghost. writing an email. My goodness. Creepy pasta. It would be, dude. I went on a date with a mysterious

internet stranger one snowy night in 2012. What else do you need for you? He didn't say much and then he gave that I went back to a secondary location

where he made me a drink that he created himself. From scratch. Storm's getting pretty bad out there, I hear. No, no, no. You sit down and play Chippendale.

No surprise that their mutual interest was this show, huh? Well, it's very nice to hear stuff like that. It's actually hard to hear, Justin, from that ivory tower. Well, my podcast is doing so well. You've got to use Monterey Jack to throw the apples at that box. Hey, you look at a little light on that drink. Let me fill her up for you. Throw another one.

Throw it. Keep throwing them apples. It looks like we're snowed in. Oh, man. Sounds like you're staying the night. I'll lay out mother's gown. Trust me, it keeps you nice and warm. It's the good one.

I'll be right next to you if you need me. There's two places you can sleep. One is a crawl space. You want another crawl space. I'll be in whichever one you are. We've got to huddle for warmth. The snow is coming down. We'll keep the NES on for warmth.

That little red light on the power button. We'll keep us warm. We'll put four power gloves between us. Oh my God, I'm going to kill her. Oh, my God, I'm going to kill her. Oh, my God, I'm going to kill her. How do I close this deal? Oh, by the way, I love power gloves.

I'm playing in cheek. I'm sorry. I know. I just hope. They still listen to the show after this mailman. Oh, it's just a gentle ribbing. I just want to emphasize that we're ribbing all you guys for our pleasure. Or your pleasure.

Your pleasure. Shut up. That's the W.H.M. Mailbag for April. For more back catalog mailbag episodes, check out WHMpodcast.com. Until next month, I'm Andrew Jupin. I'll be reading a fucking comic book. No, you won't. Eric Siska here.

Just in case. Take it easy. Thank you.