We Hate Movies - S6: WHM Mail Bag: Puke, Podcast Bonding, and Porno Tape Mix-ups

Episode Date: November 19, 2015

On this month's WHM Mail Bag, the gang reads some fan letters sparking a chat about accidentally returning porno to the video store, Freddy vs. Jason sex play, throwing up at the movies, as well as a letter from one happy couple who found love with the help of WHM. If you want one of your crazy stories read on the air, or have a question you need us to answer, write in to the Mail Bag - [e-mail]! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hey, gang, welcome to what I'm going to be the November mailback, what turns out to be the November mailbag here. We Hate Movies. Get all your turkeys together, everybody. Oh, yeah, gobble, gobble. Gobble, indeed. I'm Andrew Jupin alongside Eric Siska and Steve Sadek. We're here to read some letters. Maybe have some laughs.

And maybe some stuff. Steve, let's get right into it. You have the first one. Hi, guys. Love the show. I thought I'd share the time I vomited in a theater and ruined my dad's night. You know what, guys? Let's start out with a mission statement in our emails.

Let's that's the... Now I know I know. I got to read the whole thing. Exactly right. You're not burying the lead like some of these emails. When I was 10, my dad forced me to see AI

artificial intelligence in theater saying repeatedly, it's an important film. I had a bad feeling, I had been feeling really ill the whole day and I knew it would only get worse as we were getting it

in our seats. And I saw one in front of us drinking what smelled like Indian curry out of a plastic 7-11 super big gulp container. Oh Lord. This sounds like a Stephen Sadek story.

Yeah, I know. The smell filled the whole theater. It was like my homeless woman on the subway story. Smells filling places. I had been feeling even worse as the movie went on on something about watching that little robot boy shovel spoonfuls of spinach into his mouth and the overpowering smell of that curry made me start to vomit all over the theater.

All over the theater. My dad grabbed me and started yelling to everyone. He doesn't normally do this. He doesn't normally do this. do this. Which I love the idea that someone would turn and be like, looks like that kid normally does this. Oh, you're the father of

the puke boy. Puking everywhere. As we were driving home, he told me, I can't believe you did that. That was an important film. Did your dad know that you were watching fucking AI, dude? I've still never seen the end of AI and I can't smell curry without feeling sick.

Kevin from Florida. Curry's delicious, Kevin. Yeah, it is. But the only thing you're missing from the end of that movie is the frozen, fully intact world trade center. And then you're also missing a bunch of gleep-glop aliens fucking finding that robot years in the future. You're just missing Steven Spielberg diddle with something that he shouldn't have been diddling. Yeah, you know, everybody knows Kubrick would have made that movie a lot differently. Sure, would have. Oh, man.

Yeah, I mean, anyone ever throw up in a movie theater throw up in a... Have I ever told the... Speaking of the holidays, the time when I threw... grew up on the first Christmas. My dad made ham. Oh, because he said he baseded it in soda. In Pepsi. And I've vomited everywhere. You're going to offend some listeners. I'm sure that's a delicacy somewhere. Well, we had, like, you know, Cabin and I have stories of over the years people at the multiplex just fucking booting every which way from like drunk people. Like we had a drunk guy come in one time and vomit in the women's room. Kids would vomit. You know, there was like, whatever the holidays came around, whatever. it was like the horse shit grinch movie or any of those things there was always just little shits throwing up everywhere and you just got the fucking uh stuff that you poured it on and it kind of turned the puke into sawdust and then you just swept it up well here's the thing yeah

that's not an important film the grinch thing no AI artificial intelligence well that is actually that's a good uh round the horn have you that that does happen you get wrapped up in a movie like oh my God, this movie is going to be so important. Yeah. This is going to change filmmaking. And then you see it, you're like, oh, no, it's AI, y'all. We had a friend. When we saw that movie, we would watch the movies like the Thursday night before they came out on the Fridays.

And this one time, Cabin and I brought a bunch of friends to the theater and we were catching AI. And it was this thing where like, there was a ton of people seeing this. It was like, you know, for the bigger. you know, directors, the bigger movies, everybody always kind of came out the night before. So it was like all the employees and everything, filled theater watching this movie with friends. And the audience definitely turned on the movie, except for this one friend of ours who is this big Spielberg fan and was just kind of sitting there like pissed off that everybody was making fun of it, including the people that brought him to the screening. But man, we

turned on that movie so fast and I never looked back. I always thought that was like a B-minus that movie like it's an okay one it's like a b minus c plus movie i've watched it since then it's like not as bad as we were roasting it to be that night yeah i think that was a one and done for me i think it was more that c plus turf all right eric what do you go oh well i got a mailbag story for you oh yeah it's gonna turn me white at it yeah turn the lights down at home gather around the radio Switching tapes at the video store reminded me of a tale from my days as a video store clerk. Uh-oh.

Every once in a while, we'd get a case returned with the wrong tape inside. Usually it was a movie belonging to the family's kids that was accidentally put inside. But twice while I was there, it was porn. I'm guessing they just popped whatever was in the VCR into the case not realizing it was part of Dad's Stash. I don't know. I think some people would be like, I'm going to rent the Careberry. movie and I'm going to put hardcore pornography in it and I'm

going to put it back in the video store. You know what? There should be some kind of fine and that's what I'm curious about with this letter. What was supposed to be in those cases? Because I think that makes all the difference. Yeah. If it's die hard with a vengeance and you're accidentally slipping porno back in,

someone probably like 17 year old or rented that movie and watched it. If it's kids movies, uh, yeah, sex offending nine and a half weeks, upgrade, hello. clink, clink, clink, clink, clink. Then all these little kids are going to watch this happen. Oh, it's going to be great.

They're not going to see it happening and it's going to happen. That's going to get your fucking five to ten, brother. Sure. Yeah. And you can't even see it while it's happening. So what's the point? That was an awkward phone call to make to the family. But we always had to wait a day before letting them know.

See, a manager decided that he would take the porn home with them overnight. What? To make sure it was legit. Oh, that guy's a fucking scumbag. Yup. Super gross. That's what the email says. Right, right.

But in the end, it was all worth it to see the customer have to walk, do the walk of shame back into the store to retrieve his lost porno. Love the show, guys, Rich. Well, thank you for that enlightening tale. What kind of porn rule are we talking here? Are we talking? Is it like train spotting? Is it a home video we're talking? well it is oh oh wow you know what that makes all the difference yeah you fucking attended it

we need to know amateur is it POV is there a tripod involved is it produced and if so tripod you know what yeah there is a tripod involved any dolly or crane shots we need to know those aren't in actual pornoes they don't have that kind of equipment and was it non-sploitation. I need to know these things. What's going on and how? You need to know. Because, you know, there are people out there, they'd be like, oh, that chained heat, that's just pornography. That's not really pornography. It's not at all. That's not I mean, it's sexy or whatever. Yeah, yeah. If it's just a like a sultry little movie, that's not pornography. No.

It's just exploitation. Martin Cinemax the third, classic, or is that actual pornography? All right. So I'm a doing this next one here on the list? I think you are. Yeah, okay. It says, WHM is the way to a girl's heart.

All right. Let's see here. Dear W.H.M. Gang. That's us. A little over two years ago, I was introduced to We Hate Movies. A guy named Jason that I was acquainted with

through the interwebs for a few years. And I decided to finally. Oh, my God. That's what we needed that new Friday the 13th. Jason's on a chat room. It's mathematically linking me to someone else that I can spend my life with. Well, isn't that nice, though? That would be nice for Jason to finally...

Like, that's how he could communicate with his fingers. Yeah, that's true, actually. Let his fingers do the talking, finally. He would definitely be all caps. Oh, man, that would be great if they're all emails and caps. Yeah. If in one of them, Friday the 13th sequels, they got Jason, whatever Stephen Hawking uses to talk. Oh, yeah.

I have come to kill you. Wow. Instantly much less menacing, by the way. Kill, kill, kill, kill, Kai, Kai, Kai, Kai. Kill, kill, kill, Kai, Kai, Kike, Kikai. I love it. Let's see here. They finally decided to hang out in person.

Goes on to say, a friendly get-together for a few tall glasses of water at his place. We got along famously right away. Well, now we're talking. As the evening wore on, conversation turned to podcasts. With both of us being fans of the medium, it was a natural topic to land on, he asked if I'd heard of We Hate Movies. I had not.

He very excitedly insisted that I had to. He proceeded to queue up the Boondock Saints 2 All Saints Day episode. I laughed so hard and was hooked both on the podcast and on the Now, I got to tell you, what a risk. What a humongous risk, buddy, putting our dumb asses on, trying to impress this lady. There's nothing less sexy, by the way, than these voices. Oh, not at all, yeah. It's not Barry White where you're sitting the mood.

You get some fat little nerd wheezing at you about Superman or whatever happens on this show. Or whatever happens. Oh, man. Fast forward, we continued to hang out when we could and talk daily. WHM also became a staple of my podcast listening schedule. Then he joined the Army. This took him out of state, but we stayed in constant contact, and WHM was a source of bonding. We'd sometimes sync up and listen to episodes simultaneously,

and we would text each other WHM quotes and jokes all the time. Jump ahead about another year. We live together now and can finally listen. to WHM together. He's an amazing guy that I am so lucky to have in my life and not just because he gave me the gift of We Hate Movies fandom.

Keep up the good work. We'll be listening, Larissa. What a nice story. That's nice. And Jason, thank you for your service. Yes, thank you for telling people about the show. That's the only thing I'm talking about.

And joining the army. We forgot about joining the army. That was also pretty nice. Defending my right to make a podcast. Yeah, he made a sacrifice so you can be a big fucking idiot on the internet every week. It's true.

It's in all serious. And I'm sorry, we're all big fucking idiots in this room. So very nice. That's great. You know, three cheers to Larissa and Jason. It's great to hear the show

bringing people together. One day I want to open the old mail bag when I'm a little older, you know, and looking through, there's all these WHM babies. Oh, man. Generations have been influenced.

Here's a question. Has this ever broken up a relationship? Guarantee. to hear that story. I want to know what that's all about. Right into the mailbag, you know it happened. And you know what? Say, give us a fake name at the bottom of the email. We won't say what it's that.

We won't read the name from your email address. No, of course not. I just really want to know how it happened, because don't tell me it didn't happen. I saw it happen. Speaking of Jason. Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, Chi-Chi-Chi-A-A-A. Kill, kill, kill, kai, kai, kai. BORAT Very nice

This one's titled Sexy Jason and other costume shops Madness Oh gross Hello Andrew, Steve and Eric And the ghost of Chris Gavin I'd never forget I love the show and I thought it contributed something

To the mailbag's tradition of showcasing Slightly unsavory aspects of modern life Yeah, that's what we use this for In case you're wondering, there's a U in unsavory. So I think we got someone from across the Atlantic. Okay, continue. Your recent discussion. Maybe it's just a really classy person, by the way.

Maybe not. Maybe not. I don't know. Is you supposed to have a U in a tune? No, I'm being a jerk. Oh, boy, these American poop-black schools. Oh, man, you're with the, what's, but why, oh, you are, Excuse me, Queen of England.

A little fancy there. Sounds like someone's got all their teeth. Your recent discussion about the relative fuckability of Freddie Krueger and Jason Voorhees reminded me of this experience. See our Freddy versus Jason episode for that disgusting conversation. I used to work at a costume shop run by two women in their 60s who were fraternal twins. I was their only employee, yeah. That's terror.

Wow. That's like a Project Greenlight movie or something, man. Did they go as the fucking twins from The Shining every Halloween? It'd have to. They did, right? I did a lot of random stuff at this store, ironing, repairs, pricing, etc. But mostly suggesting costumes for people who had absolutely no idea what they wanted to be and would come in five minutes before the stores are going to close.

Highlights include dressing a big blonde. handsome guy as a handsome cop guy as a Wonder Woman in front of his cop buddies because apparently he'd lost a bet that's what they all say

yikes by the way I bet a lot of these are I have to dress like X because I lost a bet and you have to do it for me dress me before you ask no I did not

catch anyone doing any sex acts in the store damn it you figure that's a fucking given the smell I mean the smell I want every costume store I've ever walked in

I'm like somebody's doing smells like some fucking all right because it was a pretty small place even if it was essentially a library for costumes oh did I mention the heating didn't work in the winter I wore gloves and a hat inside

you know what how about maybe start thinking of for looking for another job you don't have to do a two month job don't quit the costume shop and then I mean while you're working for these crazy serial killer twins who own a costume shop

also look for another job. Burger King might be hiring. You need to help me dress. I need somebody to step on my nuts. That's my costume. This guy with crushed nuts. I clearly can't go to this costume with regular nuts, so you have to step on him.

Everybody's going to tell. I lost a bet, by the way. I wrote on this little weird piece of paper that I lost a bet. Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars. This place was an old school small business There was no calculating till or computerized system We filled out every higher slip by hand And I was paid in check

Check with a U by the way Hello Oh my God, it's the president of the Oxford English Dictionary This is in 2012 by the way I'm sorry to anyone listening not in the U.S Check with it C-H-E-Q-U-E like what the are you talking about what the wild world of sports how you spell a chick that's just crazy they spell it

right they do as a consequence sales representatives would come from door to door and sell directly to us because what else were they going to do facts and orders question mark uh anyway uh the store just so happened to be in the industrial zone for my city the industrial zone was part of the city zone for the sex industry. Hey, now we're talking. Sales reps from costume companies would come and sell us things like fake moustaches and fishnet stockings and Jason masks. However, the sales reps would also went to sex stops and sold them stuff like sexy nurse costumes and fishnet stockings. After work one day, I went to one of the sex shops. I'd just gone straight there after we closed, so of course I ran into immediately into this couple that I just served at my work. I can't remember

what they got. Understandably, I smile awkwardly, avert my eyes, and immediately walk away only to find that the corner turn the corner and find the costume section which contained a whole lot of Freddie and Jason gear. So obviously this is someone's fetish.

This is a sex shop that has Jason and Freddie costumes right next to each other. So someone's doing it. Someone someone's not only fucking a Jason or fucking a Freddy. there's a Freddie and a Jason fucking probably.

Exactly. And let me tell you something. The year 2003 was the most successful year for that sex shop. Oh yeah. When that movie came out. Freddy versus Jason. Oh, there was a sex thing. There was a lot of versus happening with these costumes. You put those generals together.

It's a versen. To make matters worse in the sex shop, I also saw a poster for a top gun porn parody and it wasn't even gay porn. That is bullshit. Come on. What are we doing? The actual.

movie is gay fantasy. That's the ironic twist is you make it a heteroporno parody. That's the parody. The heteroporne should be the porn parody of hot shots and this should be gay porn. Cheers Louisa. Well, thank you,

Louisa. That is magical. That's something that I didn't want to know about actually. No, well, you did. Actually, this last one we have to read this is i know we're we're doing a lot today but oh this one sounds good did you want to take it or did you want me to i'll take it i don't care yeah you want you want to take it it's another sex oh fuck oh man i remember this email hey is someone over there like is it from america or other places tell me what the you situation is in the in the grammar there steve i'll tell you

this one is painfully american so american that i it's foreign to me okay so uh You know, here at the We Hate Movies podcast, you know, we like going out on a high note, especially with these mailbags. And, well, here we go. My bizarre son of the mask, sexual purity experience. I got to go catch a train, so I'll talk to you guys later. That's my line. Eric, Stephen Andrew. I know I'm 10 episodes late with this story about son of the mask.

Listen, there's never a late letter for the mailbag. No, not at all. Write me a letter about something that has to do with the pack. I don't care. That's episode three, baby. Or nookie. You know you want to. But I just listened to episode 209, and it dredged up a very bizarre memory for me that I hadn't thought about for a good decade, and I had to share it.

Not to sound overly confident in my life experience, but I believe I have watched this terrible movie under circumstances stranger than any other human being has watched it. I mean, stranger than the circumstances of watching it for the we hate movies podcast. Or because you wanted to see Jamie Kennedy in the math? Yeah, have you paid to see it in theaters? Or because I am Jamie Kennedy. Oh, no, wait. Or you're Jamie Kennedy's girlfriend, ew. Oh, come on.

Oh, ew. Imagine, ew. Why would you do that? You know what? That's an annoying existence. Oh, come on, babe. Let's go see my new movie. Oh, wait a second.

I read ahead. This guy does win. Okay. I was 17 in working at a Bible camp when the son of the mask came out on DVD. The staff tradition was to end each week of camp with a movie night, and some genius decided to drive into town and rent Son of the Mask that week. I presumed very rightfully that the movie would be terrible,

so I excused myself from the movie night and went back to Staff Quarters to read a book instead. About 30 or 40 minutes later, one of the staff members, a grown-ass 30-something man, showed up in the staff quarters asking me to come watch Son of the Mask with him. Why? Because it had gotten too sexy. for the rest of the staff members and everyone else bailed on the movie. Okay.

Now the question is... Too sexy. Is this the version with the sperm or the version without the sperm? Oh, this might be the sperm version and it got everyone all hot and horned. Oh, yeah. Well, also, too, someone gets pregnant in this movie.

That's pretty fucking sexy. But they're married. That's Bible okay. That's a proof of the Bible. But is it okay for us to watch that? Oh, what about the sexy dancing at the Halloween party? Oh, that's pretty sexy.

That's a sin. That's a sin. People turn into sexy costumes a little bit. Yep. That's a sin. Kind of against their win will. That dog with a green face, I think that's taken a false idol. It's also pretty sexy. That's a sin.

Alan Cumming, that's pretty sexy. That's a paddling. However, this guy really wanted to see how everything panned out because he inexplicably got emotionally invested in the characters and he wanted me to be his purity witness. What? Well, he explains. In case you weren't raised in fringe Midwestern evangelical circles.

New York City Catholic right here. Man, Irish Catholic. It's bad. Eric's a wildling. That is true. He worships the moon. Yeah, we didn't have purity witnesses. We just had a lot of guilt

and old people yelling at you. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Purity witness means verify I'm not jacking off. Wow. So I ended up watching the last 30 minutes of Son of the Mask because an adult man wanted a teenage boy to tell everyone he did not masturbate to the movie when a CGI baby pisses on Jamie Kennedy. Thank you, gentlemen, for your time.

This was a lot cheaper than a psychiatrist, Michael. First of all, great way to end an email. Yikes. I want to know, like, what the, what would you call it, the epilitary? of this tale is. Everybody believed that that story was above board? I bet.

Yeah. You think so? What do you think? What do you think? When South? Well, I don't know. You get the buddy system and they're like,

they were both. Two dudes were jerking off, yeah. But it's like, the son of the mask. Why would one person be jerking off to son of the mask? No one, he's saying that it was so, that the movie was perceived sexy

in this backwards community. Right. Therein he needed someone just to be like, look, man, it's going to be weird if I'm watching it by myself. Because everyone's going to think I'm jerking off to the movie they all thought was too sexy, but that's what I'm saying, what's to stop the rest

of this crazy community? From saying these two guys were jerking off watching that sexy movie. Yeah, burn them right to the death. Well, Michael, I really hope that you and maybe, you know, I hope you just broke the lock off that gate and got out of there eventually.

I mean, I think you are since you're emailing us from presumably society. But, man, that is nuts. It's like you go so far into the Bible, you become a, it's perversion again, you know? It's like, not even the Bible at that point. Like, it's just like some workbook that I wrote

wherein all this stuff's illegal. Oh, yeah. That's, yeah, that's completely good. You don't got to read the Bible. I read it. Here's a workbook about it. Right. It's like how Soviet Russia got so far

and perverted way from communism that it wasn't what it's set out to be to begin with. Yeah. Yeah. That sounds exactly. like what happened with the son of the mask. Joseph Stalin masturbating to the son of the mask. Yeah, potato, potato.

Loki! Are you jerking off with my mask? I think that's what it was. It was Bob Hoskins. Some weirdo is like, man, this movie is way too sexy, you guys. And I was like, what are you talking about? Just look at this beard that Hoskins has. He's got one eye.

I mean, you know what that means. Wait, what? Loki. Stop jerking off on that beach. That's WHM Mailbag for the month in November, gang. If you have strange tales or questions for us that you need to air on the air, as they say, right into the mailbag, we all hate movies at gmail.com. And, you know, I'll just throw this out there.

Christmas or holiday themed ones for next month. Yes. Front of the line. You can always write about anything. Please do. Sure. Don't hold out. But if you've got a fun holiday story.

Yeah. I mean, we appreciate the weird gross stuff, but weird gross stuff plus the holidays. That ain't eggnog? Yes. That ain't eggnog indeed. Hashtag that ain't eggnog. And we promise not to be as ignorant as we were this episode. Everyone from all corners of the globe, please write in.

That gag was because we were playing stupid Americans. Yes. You obviously knew what that was. Stop apologizing for being. funny. But Michael was in a cult. Yeah. Oh, that's without question. Oh, yeah. You too. So until next time, I'm Andrew Jupin.

Eric Siska. Loki! Take it easy.