We Hate Movies - S6: WHM Mail Bag: Sweet Valentine Tales, Larry the Cable Guy Fandom, and Failed Summer Camp Hook-ups

Episode Date: February 18, 2016

On this month's Mail Bag, the guys read stories about romantically sweet Harry Potter dates, aggressive judgements about Larry the Cable Guy fans, and one disastrous screening of an Oscar-winning film that also botched a potential orgy. PLUS: Steve's regret over developing another classic WHM line.Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Welcome to W.H.M. Mailbag, everybody. I'm Andrew Jupin alongside Stephen Sadek and Eric Siska. We've got some correspondence that Kevin Costner just pulled up on a horse and gave us. Now we're going to get to reading some of it for you, Steve Sadek. You'll start us off. It's kind of a Valentine's Day theme. Oh, a little romantic. Not all of them are Valentine's Day.

I'm going to start off with the sweet one we got because it gets gross towards the end. That's kind of like the we hate movies, Cretto. It gets gross towards the end. Lies, second dates, and Harry Potter. Hi, guys. My story

involves a great second date that was based on lies yeah hell yeah that's like all dates that's how you do it after a terrific first date a guy i was seeing asked me for a second date well hey that's terrific he suggested we check out the new iMacs theater opened up not far from where we lived hey nice uh he listed a few he uh listed a few movie options and harry potter and the order of the phoenix was a choice that's uh part five i believe is it not and that's four is it yep that's after ascapan i think five is half-blood Prince. No, the four is the goblet of five.

Oh, shit, you're right. Order of the Phoenix is five. I got a good story about Orther of the Phoenix, but we can keep going. Well, you better say it after this. Being a Harry Potter fan, I suggested we see it. He agreed we made plans to meet up for dinner before the show. Dinner went well, and we had fun in the theater, laughing about how ridiculous we looked in the 3D glasses.

After the movie, we went out for some drinks. He was a great guy, and I was really enjoying my time with him. later on to our relationship one evening we were reminiscing about our early dates the topic turned to our second date and he said he had a confession prior to the date he had never seen a harry potter movie nor had he read any of the books oh no is that is that a crime because i think i need to go to jail right now when he suggested the movie i had assumed he'd seen all the all the others he told me that right after we made our date plans he had younger sister, tell him everything she could about Harry Potter.

Because I think Wikipedia was still in proto mode. That poor little sister. I'm sure she was great. Oh, what? Yes, Jeremy. This is, get me iced tea. This is going to take all night. Hey, Jeremy, how much time do you have?

Exactly. I picture this is all taking place in line for one of those books. and then, and then, and then Harry Potter gives it to her. Dude, that'd be great. No, but you should do that if someone's like, hey, man, I'm in a real bond, you got to help me? I don't know why I'm doing Bill Clinton, but.

Oh, man, I got a date with a 19-year-old chick, and she wants to me to see the Harry Potter movie. Quick, Chelsea, tell me everything I need to know about Harry Potter. It's that or it's, oh, man. No, we got to appeal to young people after New Hampshire. We got to start dropping all sorts of Harry Potter references Hill, get reading. Chelsea? All right.

Trump's like Voldemort, am I right? Yay, votes. Here are votes. Anyway, this nice date, he told me right after the bubble, blah, blah. I'm sorry. You got to the part where this relationship was disintegrating. I had spent a good I had spent a good portion of our second date asking him questions about the movie

Without a clue as to him not knowing anything about the books or the previous movie Wow so this dude pulled it off huh After his confession I had to reveal my secret Uh oh A few days before our date I had already seen the movie with some of my girlfriends Oh no Long before he was in the picture The girls and I had planned on seeing the movie together

But then you suggested it Just leave it off the suggestion list. How about that? Make things a lot easier for everybody. It seems like you did nobody any favors. I want to know what the other movies on that list were. I know. Well, we could probably do some research.

We're not going to do any research. Not at all. We're going to look up what was in the theaters next to you. We're going to trace your IP address. Maybe it was just that or the sum of all fears. And she was like, you know, no. Man. Was it that, is that movie that old?

No, I don't know. The Goblet of the Phoenix. Is that old? No. Some of all fears, I think it was like, 03, that Harry Potter movie came out way later. Like 08 or something. I saw some of all fears in theaters and took

a thorough nap. I didn't want to break the plans, so I figured to see the movie with just the girls and then just enjoy seeing it the second time. I didn't want him to know I already seen it and act like I was watching it for the first time. I actually had to remind myself to jump at the Dementor part in the beginning just to pretend to be scared. We laughed at the fact that we

both really wanted a second day with each other. The thought of him having to sit through his sister telling him all the details about Harry Potter the Harry Potter world made me laugh and as it did me. This past September we celebrated our fifth year of marriage. Now we're talking and in

May we'll be celebrating our first son's birthday. He better be named Harry Potter Jenkins or whatever your last name actually is. No, it's Harry Potter Jenkins and then whatever their last name is. Hyphenated lies. One of the last name is lies.

We still love going to see movies together And we love to listen to your podcast together Thanks for a great podcast Erica Now when it gets gross later on Just remember how nice Erica's experience There's a reason we read this nice sweet Sacrini email

Thank you Both of you guys for listening to the show And there was an interesting Romantic interlude there Yeah totally What was your order to the Phoenix story Oh I went to see it with a good friend of hours and

it was up on the theater that's on like 86th and seconds, real fucking dump up there and we're sitting there and these dudes were talking through the whole movie and our buddy turns around and he goes, hey, you shut the fuck up. Like just

just straight up, shut the fuck up to these people, right? And these dudes were like, hope you know that when we get outside, you're going to get your fucking ass kicked. That's why it's No one in this room that said that because we're all coward. Hold on. Hold the phone.

We're watching a movie about little kids doing magic. Well, it's the fifth movie, so they're like teenagers and people are dying left and right. Oh, the people on the screen are teenagers, not the people threatening you. These kids were younger than us. But by this fifth story, they're like teenagers and people are getting murdered and whatnot. But so there I, and this is like the first 30 minutes. into this movie. And all those movies are like pushing three hours. And I'm just like,

great. And I'm sitting there through this whole movie like, so is there going to be a rumble? Like what is happening? You know. Is there a knife involved? Yeah. And we get outside. And by the way, so 86th and second, this is the Upper East Side. Sure. It's very hoity-toity

money side of town. Yeah. So did they give you a bad loan or something? Yeah, they sold as a crooked mortgage. No, we get out there And these kids like just get in my friend's face And they like kind of talk for a second And I'm kind of standing off to the side

Just like whatever happens happens I mean if things go down I don't even know that guy Yeah, you know I'm mortally terrified of having a fight like a 17 year old kid Like because not even They got energy, they got nothing to lose There's no way for me to win that fight

It's like oh yeah I'm a 32 year old man I just beat this shit out of a 17 year old kid Or more than likely, a 17-year-old kid just knocked my glasses off and made me cry. Either way, you're going to jail for some. Exactly. The 17-year-old kid knocked my glasses off and made fun of my Sandman t-shirt. No, and so then I'm kind of like, do I try to hail a cab? You know, like what's going on?

And then I see them like, it's a bullshit, like, shaken hands. The other thing was like, this kid was like, see those guys over there? And he, like, points to, like, a bunch of tall gentlemen, like, just standing out of the way. He's like, those guys got my back too, right guys? And they were like, fuck you kid, kind of a thing. So, like, nothing came of it. But, like, I had to see the movie again because I couldn't concentrate because I'm, like, sitting there the whole time. Like, yeah, Harry Potter's up there, but am I going to get murdered in fucking Yorkville?

Like, you know. So it was shitty. Anyways. Next, next piece of correspondence. Good gravy. Yeah. Well, this one, the subject line I can relate to, movies help me. Be a conceded jerk.

Original title of this program. Yeah, that's true. It was too long. iTunes said no. Yeah, it got rejected. Dear W.H.M. Hey, guys. I'm a huge fan of the show.

Thanks. Because it's February, I want, you're welcome. Because it's February, I wanted to share this romantic story mishap here. Uh-oh. Back in high school, I was hanging out with two friends. We were each texting. girls that we were respectively interested in.

Because the movie theater was nearby, we all made plans to go see a movie. I was excited to spend some time with this girl that I liked. We had not agreed on a film until we arrived at the theater. I mean, okay, okay, fine.

This is, you always caution against this. I fucking despise this action. There's no way this ends good. Or well, actually. Good. No way this ends. Good, right, Geach? Oh, man, this ain't going to end good at all. Oh, shit, we got to get the votes.

The discussion happened outside the theater. The choices were slim, but I suggested seeing Ice Age 2. All right. How slim are we talking? Some of all fears? What are we talking about? Was it some of all fears slim? Hold the phone.

These are children. Okay. The girl I was interested in suggesting to see Larry the cable guy, the movie. What is that? That must be like health inspector. That was the one. That's the closest one. Because that's the one where his name's in the title.

It's Larry the cable guy, health inspector. So yeah. Is that? Yeah, I guess you're right. Which is really bizarre because you've got two professions in the title. And he's playing a health inspector that's not a cable guy. Yeah. I would like to at least both.

Although it's been a while. I've got to go back and stay tuned. Stay tuned for sure. Can I tell you a quick. I'll save it. for our Health Inspector episode. I have a story involving Chris Cabin and Larry the Cable Guy Health Inspector.

Oh, that sounds terrific. Yeah, it is. It's great. I and my friend declined. That's the nice move. Thinking that the movie would not be funny. Now, now, she reassured me. Why that voice? I've already seen it. It's hilarious. I don't care who you are. That's funny. I don't care who. That's funny.

I did not speak to this girl for the rest of the Nice. Well, at least besides the most minimum acknowledgments, holy shit. Jesus. Cold shoulder, man. Totally. I don't even think I sat next to her in the theater. You were interested in this girl?

You were interested in this girl? Oh, man, we got to get the votes. What's that Harry Potter talk about? There's a magic mountain. What can I say, Chelsea? Chelsea, what the fuck's an Avenger? them kids to lock the rings or what more to our motherfucker what what what happened with these people oh my goodness because of her liking that movie i dropped her like her like a hot iron

i get back on this memory wondering if i was justified or i was just being a huge snob either way i blame larry the cable guy do you guys have any other similar experience is regarding movie tastes sort of getting in the way. Keep up the great work. Corey from Louisville, Kentucky. Corey, I'll tell you this. That lady could have been your wife.

Sure could have. You can make exceptions for people, man. That's the fun of it. But when you're sort of courting somebody, she's like, oh man, you know who's hilarious? Larry the cable guy. I kind of feel like Corey might have been right here. I feel like, all right.

they're in high school maybe she doesn't know any better and also maybe you're not going to be with her forever anyway necessarily or maybe she's not going to like Larry the cable guy forever yeah she could grow out of that and become a big Jeff Dunham head oh what's wait what's worse what is worse a Jeff Dunham super fan or Larry the cable guy super fan I would say Jeff Dunham yeah yeah okay as long as we're all in agreement Jeff Dunham is more overtly racist at the very least so the cable guy's just a lot of the cable guy's just It's like stupid racist. His character is just dumb. Right. And Jeff Dunham's characters are just racist. And then there's... Let's dispel with this fiction that Jeff Dunham doesn't know what he's doing. He knows exactly what he's doing.

Wait, what do you mean? He wouldn't know what he's doing. Like, the puppets are taken over? Let's dispel with this fiction that Jeff Dunnum doesn't know what he's doing. He knows exactly what he's doing. He knows exactly what he's doing. I just think that's funny. I mean, and also, he's...

Here's the other thing with Larry the cable guy v. Jeff Dunham. There's no fucking puppets I have to look at. Like, you know what? At least I got to look at Dan Whitney do an incredible impression of a fucking stupid person. Hey, cool, it's my puppet. Ahmed the dead terrorist. Oh, fucking man. Larry the cable guy, Jeff Dunham mash up.

Oh, my God. That's like fucking, that's like, that starts the apocalypse, right? Like, he puts his hand up that dead terrorist ass and Satan fucking comes out of the hell mouth. You knew this would happen so soon. Right when his fingers go and the Omen soundtrack starts. But I think Larry the Campbell guy's puppets are the crumbs on his shirt. I don't care who you are. That's funny.

Now we're going to hear from my friend mustard stains. What's that mustard stain? Yeah, I am starving. What's that right male developed breast? Wow. Where are we? Lactating. Oh, here we go.

The subject of this mailbag question is mailbag question. Dear, we hate movies. I love all your recent talk on Star Wars lately. The Attack of the Clones episode, one of my favorite, one of my all-time hated movies, Force Awakens, and the Sithmentary for Revenge of the Sith,

which, while the movie may not be great, has enough action in Palpatine and lamps to cover the spread to help make up for its shortcomings. By the way, you should pick up that sithmetry, cdbababy.com. Yeah, we have a syncable commentary track to the film, Episode 3 Revenge of the Sin. If you're a new listener, you might not know that. A friend of mine who is a huge Star Wars fan and a Lucas fan has had the biggest hate boner for Force Awakens and J.J. Abrams. Why is there all this backlash towards a good film, one that did take me a day. or two to sit on my mind but good nonetheless and why why do people want Lucas back making Star Wars

because it's it this is like um stockholm syndrome they've been held hostage by this terrorist for 16 years or 15 years and they don't know they couldn't tell you what color the sky is anymore uh is there no pleasing fans some days p s yes i would agree that force awakens takes a lot of Broadstrokes from a New Hope, but I don't let it bother me too much. I got a feeling they are saving the good stuff for the next film. Thank you and have a great day. And speaking of Lucas,

I hope Red Tails makes an episode one day so we can get some more Lucas impressions, John from Wisconsin. Well, there's plenty of episodes where we're doing George Lucas, that's not a George Lucas. For no gosh, during reason. So you don't worry, that'll happen again. I think that the problem

with the Lucas thing, it's the most surprising thing to me, you know, that everyone's Oh, man, why doesn't George Lucas come back and set this franchise right? God damn it. And that stupid petition went around. Oh, my God. It's been a while since we did our little Force Awakens podcast there. Yeah, that was a while ago. There was that petition going around that got like eight.

Was it like a White House petition? No, no. There was like... No, because people do dumb-ass things. It's like, get Obama to sign off on it. He'll make George Lucas the next president. Well, it was for him to do episode 8. No,

10, 9. Oh, you know, episode 8's already filming, but like, have George come in to finish the trilogy of? Get that Trevor doctor out there, which, or Colin, what's his name? Colin Trevor. Colin Trevor, yeah.

Well, the thing that I'm interested in is how old these people are. Because I think that, no, seriously, because the biggest thing is that if you grew up on the prequels, you don't have a problem with them. That is what this is. They couldn't recognize a good movie

that hit them in the face. it's true listen at the end of the day what it comes down to is some people like things and some people don't and that's just the way of the world and we had a lot of fun on that Force Awakens episode

making fun of people and I do think some legitimate valuable actual criticisms for people being fucking ridiculous with some of the things with this movie but you know it's okay to not like a movie that's true but this is it's sort of like how

I don't know fans of Star Trek Enterprise We're furious with J.J. Abrams for whatever. Like, listen, some shit's garbage, guys. Some stuff's not. And maybe you don't recognize that. And maybe you do. And maybe you just like the fun spectacle of the prequels or whatever. And that's fine. Also, final thought. But you're wrong. Here's the thing. Just a tip for the next time some sort of pop culture things fucking burn in your ass. a petition's not going to do anything. And by the way, he got $4 billion.

And let's take a step out of Star Wars for a second into the real world. Okay, please. That's a lot of money for him to stay the fuck out of it. Yep. And he took it. And secondly, who cares? You know, like a lot of people have directed Star Wars movies that are not George Lucas. Irvin Kirchner.

Yeah. Irvin Kershner directed the best fucking one. Exactly. I'm not involved in this next Star Wars movie and I didn't get any billions of dollars. I've got no billions of dollars right now. But don't worry. They want you to stay the hell out of it. They really do.

And at the end of the day, Star Wars is Star Wars and you're going to go see it. And if you're like, how do I say, I didn't enjoy the prequels at all. But like, part of that is me not letting myself have fun. and part of you not liking the Force Awakens is you not letting yourself have fun. I mean, I, yeah, I don't like those movies for weird reasons that are valid. Go see all of our episodes we've done on this.

I'm a flawed character, you're a flawed character. If I could change, you could change. It's just a movie at the end of the day. Hey, Chelsea shit, the kids like Force Awakens or not, I can't figure it the fuck out. We need the boats. Wait, what is this? Ebo?

Kyle O'Renn, is that? I don't even understand any of those words, Chelsea. Oh, Chelsea, is emo back? Should I be buying bright-eyes vitals? Let me know. Oh, shit, I can finally whip out my Texas as the reason t-shirt. Oh, here comes the movie life, Chelsea.

Should I have a Collo Wren t-shirt or a Yoda fighting people t-shirt? Okay, this is a really long email, so everybody's strapped in. Oh, sorry. Holy fuck. People named Trevor. I knew a guy all through high school named Trevor.

He went to prison sophomore year for stealing gasoline. Prison sophomore? Wait, this is high school? Yeah, I think so. So that's juvie. Yeah. He went to prison sophomore year for stealing gasoline from the local gas station and bragging about it. Twice. Colt.

End of email. Cult, you're awesome. You know, good for you. Well, we were busting on the name Trevor on some episode, I think, is where that comes from. Anyone that shares the namesake with the Wunderkind behind the whitest kids, you know, well, you know. That's, you know what the great thing about, that's so funny because I was thinking about the widest kids you know the other day. And I was like, they're gone forever. Yep.

That's great. What a great thing. You remember the whitest kids you know, Eric? I don't, I'm not too familiar. Exactly. They did have a television show. show so they outrank us. Oh, right, right, right, right, right.

Put down your arms, gentlemen. Summer Camp Lovin! Oh, now we're getting hot and horny. Dear, we hate movies gang. That's us. We are a gang. We fight the Van Buren boys on 80-second and second. I heard your call for Tales of Love at the movies and had to share this with you.

A few years ago, I was working at a. sleepaway Christian camp. Meo. Sounds like this is going to be a beautiful story, you guys. Right? Since we had to watch the kids 24-7, yikes. He didn't say yikes. I did.

We had very little time to hang out with fellow counselors. However, on the nights I did have off, I usually snuck over to the day camp to hang out with the other, to hang out with the day camp counselors in the, in their A-frame, I don't know what is going on. That's a deep camp lingo right there. Is that like an A-wing fighter pilot? Oh, shit.

Should I be saying Y-wing? Day camp. Fucking on the night camp. Bravo. I'll do it. You'll fuck on the night camp. Oh, fuck on the night camp. Oh, fuck your night camp up, motherfucker.

Oh, Lord in heaven. Rock out the boat on Barbara's back. You know what? It's been like two weeks. I totally regret saying Barbara's back. Really? Sometimes you think she's like a 90-year-old woman. Yeah, exactly.

And she's been a 90-year-old woman for 20 years. Anyway, so what's going on with this pervert or whatever's happening? Being in the middle of a farm. of the forest with nothing to do. We tended to watch movies on someone's laptop that we had picked up at Walmart's $5 bin on our rare trips to civilization.

Civilization being Walmart. But man, by the way, the Walmart $5 bin, you'll get some deep cuts and that thing. And you sure will. I think it's like all Son of the Mask. Like everything you pick up is Son of the Mask. I think the day Son of the Mask came out on DVD, Walmart just immediately put all the copies

in the $5 bin. And that's not even just the ones with the label like you can buy the watcher in the $5 bin and then you can take it home put it in your laptop and suddenly the son's mask is playing oh my god on the night in question the whole gang was there in a rare instance of all of us having time off together we were a touchy feely group of friends yeah okay okay sorry that's stopping me we were dead in my were you just like oh man wish i worked out of summer camp well i mean i don't think i have no one in this group has ever been part of a touchy-feely group of friends no no no actually in fact

people would actually go out of their way to say don't touch me uh we tended to cuddle pretty close during movies oh cuttle time sure yeah this is like christian camp dry hump and stuff oh yeah like uh so he was pretty good looking Good. And who I was not averse to getting close with. Oh, right. Now, listen. Now we're talking.

This is what happens at day camp. The atmosphere in the room was charged before the movie, and people hooking up was clearly not out of the question. This is, I've never experienced anything like this. Steve Sanex stars in getting jealous over an email. No, but it's just, it's like, where did these summer camp, day camp, Motherfuck Yeah, this is This is foreign turf for I think all of us

None of us had seen the movie before This is an orgy? Is she like saying I'm waiting for this powder keg to go Okay This is this is I feel it's going to break out of it Oh God I hope so keep going This is getting good Sure is

Hey Bam bam bam Keep reading that story This is getting good Now's the part where This email needs our full attention, because it's getting good. Before Bam Bam Bam Bam pass away, Bam Bigelow would read me sexy emails over the phone. He'd always tell me about the tens that were in the stories. For six straight years, it was the only way I could go to sleep on my own.

One time Bam Bam Bigelow read me, the Princess Bride, and he wouldn't stop talking about how sexy Princess Buttercup was. it was pretty hot that's the only reason I cried at Bam Bam's funeral was because I couldn't hear that sexy dulcet tones ever again I was like Fred Savage and Bam Bam Bigelow

was sort of my Peter Falk and I said no Grandpa keep reading they both were blind in one eye strange cosmic coincidence But they knew how to target the heartstrings. If you get my drift.

Oh, man. One of us... Keep going with this orgy email. We bought it earlier that day, only knowing that it was some critically acclaimed Oscar-winning drama. So we were all getting comfortable with each other, waiting for someone to turn the lights down and start the movie. Oh, shit.

The movie, of course, was the three-hour and 15-minute-long Schindler's list. Someone email on us an episode of Seinfeld? An orgy during Schindler's list? I'm not entirely sure about the veracity of this email. Well, this is Christian Day Camp. I wouldn't be surprised if they're tugging and whatever to the Holocaust. I'm just saying not everyone's good. Well, not everybody knows.

I can't imagine a person being like, oh, let's get it's sexy movie night. Hey, Johnny, go pick something up. Oh, I don't know. Schindler's, Liz? How do you not know? How do you not know? That's where I'm in a little. I guarantee.

Come on. Come on, come on, folks. There's probably a swastika on the DVD menu. Probably not. Really? I don't know. There might be a fucking flag or something.

I'll check when I get home. Maybe on the criteria. I own it on DVD. The criterion released with Frank Miller art has a slastic on it. That guy put swastika's on everything. As you can imagine, no one hooked up that night. No, because everybody was fucking devastated.

Or any other movie night afterwards. Oh. And the night ended with Ian comforting a girl who was crying. While I walked back to my cabin alone in the dark, thanks for dredging up that memory and keep up the good work. Good job not signing your name on that one. Holy Toledo. Wow. Now, that is, yeah, listen, have a cursory knowledge of history or film before, I mean, it's your hookup night.

You could have been doing all sorts of sin. Just think of the things that would have been exploding left and right. You were at day camp, motherfucker. Yeah, Jesus can't get you. He's a night dwell. He's a vicious night spirit, right? He makes sure you don't jerk off at night, but in the morning, it's cool. He can't get you in the A-frame or whatever you called it.

Yeah, the A-frame. That's, you know. That's like, probably like, I imagine that means they drew like a pentagram around the camp in a certain way. Sure, maybe that's what that means. That meant that Jesus or any of that magic could not penetrate it. It's Christian camp. They talk about that stuff. Also, by the way, if you're renting a movie where it's like, we're going to be fucking and suck until the sun comes up so it doesn't matter what's on.

Yeah. I think one of the things. that shouldn't need to come into the equation is a... Well, it was nominated for a bunch of Academy Awards. Also, $5 bin at Walmart, Schindler's List, pretty good deal. Oh, Schindler's List, I know right where this needs to go. You know, that's when you get... I'm sure it was like, Schindler's List, son of the mask, the movie The X with Zach Brath.

You know what I mean? Like, pick up the Zach Brath movie. every time. Yes, that will get you horny. Dude, three words. Weekend and Bernies. Yeah. My God.

One or two. Teen wolf. Teen wolf. One or two. Both of them are in that bin, man. What are you taking Schindler's list out of that for? The last one. I'm mad at these kids.

I just want to, I mean, I hope that they didn't send that same kid back to the Walmart. That dude failed at picking up the movie. All right. Is this the last? last one? It is the last one. The last email of the night. The subject line, literal actual romantic movie

criminals. Here we go. Now, remember, we said this was going to end disgustingly. Hello, W.H.M. Longtime listener, first time emailer here. Well, thank you. I discovered your show several years ago, and since then, my life has improved immensely. Wow.

Mine has gone the opposite direction. I felt encouraged by the last email, by the last mail, bag to write in for February and share my tale of horrifying and definitely illegal cinematic romance. Oh, crap. I shouldn't have said it was illegal.

It's too hot today. Lord, I wish I want so fat. Oh, different guy. Different guy. Same obese cartoon from the Simpsons. Oh, crap. I live here by his second run theater, which picks up movies several weeks to six months after they've been released

and shows them for $2 matinees, $3,000. after 6 p.m. I'm glad we got the price structure here. A few years ago, right around this time of a year, they got the original The Girl of the Dragon Tattoo. My mother is a huge fan of the books, and I decided to take her to a show since I figured we

would both enjoy it and appreciate the value of the showing. Nope. Weird. Nope. Weird. Weird. Why is that? Because have you seen those movies? I have not. But I've seen cruising with my mother. Yeah, I know. Let's go on. You're like a cosmic exception to this. You and Chris Cabin. Chris Cabin. Chris Kevin watched happiness

with both of his sandwiched between both of his parents on a couch. Thank God I didn't do that. Yeah, I mean, like, the raciest thing that I watched my mother

is maybe my cousin Vinnie, you know what I mean? Well, you guys, I wish I had your blessed little lives. Eric, what he means when he says hips or lips is. No, don't worry, I got the whole explanation.

All right. We went to the theater expecting a competent depiction of Steve Larson's first novel, and luckily, only I wound up with a tragic experience that my friends and family still enjoy to this day. I picked out some seats in the second to last row, since when they had their film projectors, the focus was best near the rear, and at this showing, a man and a woman on an apparent date decided to sit behind us. I could not help overhearing their conversation before the preview started, where the man loudly proclaimed how he never read the books.

Like it was a mark of quality somehow. I never read the books. Since it wasn't my business, I tried to ignore the inane chatter up through the previews until the picture itself started. To my relief, the conversation stopped about 20 minutes in. That's a long time. I'm saying something by then.

Although the loud rustling of fabric on fabric behind me was still quite a distraction. Not a make-out movie, everybody. Nope. you're into that. Well, it's got to be better than Schindler's list. Yeah, you know what? Yep. Content

with not hearing any more confused questions during a foreign language movie, I gave them the benefit of the doubt and tried to focus on enjoying the movie and the popcorn, up until one of the more controversial parts of the movie began. For those that haven't

read the books or seen either the Swedish or American version of the movie, There is a brutal depiction of a sexual assault against the main character, Lisbeth, by her financial guardian. It's a disturbing and upsetting scene and is an integral part to the plot of the story. She kicks a dildo up this dude's ass at the end of the movie, so it's great. That's pretty hard. She gets a revenge. However, right as that scene started, I heard the unmistakable sound of a zipper being pulled down.

Strap in, guys. Zip. The very same. gripping the armrests of my seat in white-knuckled terror I very, very slowly turned my head to make sure what I thought I heard

wasn't what I actually heard, but my God, it was. I was sitting in a showing of the girl with the dragon tattoo with my mother while a couple behind us in the near deserted theater were currently crossing third base. Great movie to bring your mother to.

I almost found religion at that point The longest moment of my life Trying to separate my soul from my body And only the powers that be kept me sane My mother never noticed She was so engaged with the movie And its subtitles And the sex offenders decided to leave

Almost immediately after the scene of it is Not of that You're not getting on a list for that No I mean but Well if you're Fred Willer you are No well if you're getting jerked during a kid's movie, maybe. This is the girl of the dragon tattoo.

It's a little weird, though. I mean, like, come on. It's unacceptable. I would say it's unacceptable, you know, but like, come on. Let's, uh, you know. Like, here's the thing. If you're getting jerked off to Happy Gilmore, whatever, you're just getting jerked off to whatever.

Sure. But if you just happen to have TBS on on a Sunday. Exactly. But if you get jerked off to the girl with the dragon tattoo, something's going on and I don't like it. Yep, totally. Uh, I was thankful they were gone since I could enjoy the rest of the movie without any further shenanigans, but also kind of upset,

since they would not know about the revenge pegging and branding that Elizabeth would inflict on her own attacker. Yeah, she kicks that dula up his ass. So this guy already went and they left, I guess. Yeah, I think it came for one reason and one reason alone. Yeah, just a little bit of the old, hey, Jay, tug and leave. It is cheaper than a hotel. That's true.

All I'm saying is maybe you make hotels cheaper. And then you go get some disco fries? That's not a bad night. That's like not a bad night. Not at all. You go to the diner, gets a disco fries going? Sounds like the perfect night.

I can't imagine these people are over the age of like 18 or whatever. You know what I mean? Like you're not like 40 years old getting jerked off at the movie. You might be. By your girlfriend. The goddamn kids won't leave the house

and I got to get jerked off. Mother, we're going to the movies. And we're getting disco fries afterwards. I'll tell you that much. Now, here he goes again with the post-jerk disco fries. You're so fucking fat, Larry. My friends and family eventually heard of my adventure During a time when we shared embarrassing stories

But man, was it a hard one to tell? I still go back to that theater on a regular basis To catch a bargain showing of a film I can either enjoy or give a good hate watch But nowadays, I always make sure to sit in the rear Or at least make sure there's no one behind me Wait a second, the rear is where they were doing it Sit in the front, the back of the back of the room is where all the bad kids go

I love the show and pick up all the merchandise and posters when I can Thank you for that I heart crabbing Miles We heart crabbing too So this happened to me pretty recently actually Oh do tell So what movie did you get jerked in I didn't get jerked

So who did you jerk Is that our favorite bar In Williamsburg Brooklyn which I will not name Because it's not a advertisement an advertisement for this. Oh, no, no, no. Plus, I don't want people going there. Maybe it would turn it to a We Hate Movie Shrine if we mentioned it.

I don't think so. People burning candles. One fat guy does not a shrine make. Tell that to Buddha. Dumb! Yes. Good for you. I was about to say it.

Damn, that's good. Assume of my fiancé were just hanging out at this bar. It's like 2 o'clock in the after. We got movie plans afterwards. Having a couple drinks. Playing some Scrabble. They got some board games at this bar. Keep the details light, my friend.

Don't want to give away the bar. Every bar has Scrabble these days. Not as many as you'd like to think. So we're playing Scrabble. But it's important to the store. We're playing Scrabble. And like, I'm facing the rest of the bar. She's facing towards where the bathrooms are.

We're in a booth. There's a bunch of boots behind us. And I see this couple start making out by the bar. And I'm like, oh, that's whatever. I'm like, it's a little early for that, by the way. It's like, two o'clock. A little early for making out, mother. Why do we come out?

All these kids make it out. So, two o'clock. It's two o'clock on a Saturday. The makeout crowd comes in. Shouldn't they be at the library, mother? There's some young kids sitting next to me. They're making out, and they decide to sit. behind my fiance

and they're making out hardcore and I'm like oh well that's just weird and I have to like watch this shit go on and I'm trying to play Scrabble You got all vowels Yeah exactly it's a bad time Towards the end of the game She goes to my fiance goes to the bathroom

And I start to notice That her hand goes under there Yep And this guy's getting jerked off Oh man And I'm looking around like Is someone good? to stop this.

And the only, the only letters you had were C-U-M, right? And like, I'm trying to understand. We're in the middle of a heated scrabble game. I'm trying to see what chivalry dictates. So it's like, so I was like, all right, I guess if I move to A shield, my fiance, I'll be, I'll be on, because like, you're sharing the splatter zone? I was, I moved myself into the splatter zone. Wow. Yeah, and we completed our game, but she noticed immediately what was going on when she got back and was like white-faced and we finished the game and then like we walked to the other part of the bar and everybody's talking about it.

I'm like, and the bartenders are laughing and I'm like, you know what, guys, someone needs to say something. Hey, Chelsea, your kid's jerking off in bars or what? We need the bones. Are they playing Scrabble or jerking off in bars? Which is which? Can't do both. I'm trying. I'm just trying to talk Hillary into a jerk at a bar in a swing state.

Come on, babe. We're in a swings day. Oh, well, this is going to go, yeah, this is going to go bad. Any other public jerk stories or thereabouts? I mean, you know, back in the day of being an usher at the old multiplex, you know, you sort of. So who'd you jerk? Gene Schallett It's got Oscar written all over him

Lush, you give him a blumpkin all right? Come on! Hey, come on, man. We're going blue on this thing. We're going to be on the Opus and Anthony show in a second. Remember when we started with that sweet Harry Potter email? That's why we started there. So what happened?

Who did you jerk on? No, it was a third. thing where, you know, it was like a 10 screen theater, you know, so you had to, it was the thing if you were the usher, you had to walk down the aisle. This is like taxi driver. Some nights I had to clean up the blood and the come from the seats.

And it's just like you walk down and like, I would, I never gave a shit. Like my thing, you know, I was more concerned with like, is everyone being quiet and is the movie in focus and the fucking volumes on? You know, it's in frame. Sure. Like here, is the air conditioning on?

Fine. You know, And so this one time, it's just like, I'm walking up the aisle, and I'm like, oh, they're getting, like, pretty cozy. And, like, this chick's kind of like on this dude's lap and whatnot. And I'm like, well, nothing's really going on. They're just sitting there watching the movie. You know, any idea what movie it was? I don't remember. That's fair.

But so the thing was, the policy was, for each set of screenings, you had to do it twice. So the second time, go back through. It's late. They're both completely taken. Yeah, they're just. Just fucking. To Schindler's list. And, yeah, I'm walking up, and she's still on this dude's lap.

They're fucking while watching monster. Kids won't leave the house. And, you know, so I just, I remember looking at this one couple this one time and was like, was she? Nah, that can't be. Cut to cleaning the theater. Oh, no. And then you go up. And, man, there's just a fucking.

used condom laughing at me on the floor. And here's the thing. If you're going to be fucking in public, which, you know, whatever. That's your problem. It's what you got to do. I don't give a shit. Don't be leaving condoms all over the fucking floor. The barbacks were all fighting about who had to clean that in the bar.

They're like, okay, if you're going to, you know, jeez in public. Right. If that's good. You know, you pick up after your stuff. Curb your come. You pick up after your pet that you took after the day. I was watching Schindler's List with Bam Bam. No, I'm not going to do it.

You know, I almost went there, but I didn't go there. That's W.H.M. Mailbag for the month of February. My goodness, that got gross. We apologize. No, we don't. Who are you apologizing to? Why are you to Joe Pantleana? Yeah, I don't know.

Hey, what are you apologizing for? Hey, you daredevil. Hey, they do that in the hoboken all the time. Well, I don't want to trick me off on my little pants, so what? I feel like we might have offended people tonight. You know, we've had talks of Christian camps, Mormons, Schindler's List. Hey, J's, Ventura's. Oh, what an episode.

What a mailbag. Yes. It's a little blue on the mailbag sometimes. You know, the Clinton campaign and what you know? You got to give the updates from the campaign trail. I guess that's right. well as always gang keep the letters coming we love doing this mailbag it's a lot of fun and we'll be back doing it next month we all hate movies at gmail dot com questions for us

lewd salacious tales or just some weird stuff that happens to you at the movies man we want to hear about it that email again we all hate movies at gmail dot com until next time i'm and jerjupin stephen say that and i am eric sisco take it easy Thank you.