We Hate Movies - S6: WHM Mail Bag: Theater Tag Alongs, Embarrassing Movie Moments & Crucified Muppets

Episode Date: December 28, 2015

On this month's WHM Mail Bag episode, the guys read stories about obnoxious movie theater tag alongs, horrendously embarrasing movie moments (and the friendships that are tested during them), and one extreme example of eating healthy. PLUS: Was there a Muppet in The Passion of the Christ?   If you want your weird stories read or questions answered on the air, write in to the WHM Mail Bag: [e-mail]! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

Hello, Hello, everyone, welcome to another edition of WHAG, I'm Andrew Jupiter But alongside Eric Siskin, Stephen Sadek, we're here to read some letters for the holidays. They're not letters to Santa. They're letters to We Hate Movies. Which is kind of like Santa. A little bit. I think we're the collective weight of Santa, at least.

Why is it, Buddha, huh? He's enormous. Oh, yes. Santa was a big boy. Yeah, so we've got some letters here. Eric, do you want to kick things off? Oh, boy. I haven't looked into these letters selections, so I'm kind of interested.

Neither have I. Oh, what are you just printing blindly? Oh, no, this was compiled by my assistant, Stephen Sane. Fair enough. The first one, subject line, Spite Watch. Spite Watch. Yeah. Oh, like watching something out of spite.

Absolutely. Okay. Hi, guys. After going through some old mailbag episodes, which are a real treat, BTW? You know, a lot of people saying that, getting a lot of positive feedback from these mailbag episodes. Yeah. We're going to let our hair down in these. Yeah, totally.

I don't have shoes on. Regarding terrible movie theater experiences, I recalled one of my own that I wanted to share. When I was in high school, my two best friends and I went to the movies frequently. We all had similar taste and usually agreed on what we wanted to see, often well in advance of actually buying tickets. That's a good way to do it.

I mean, I grew up, hey, what's in the theater? Yeah, but you'd have those. At the box office, though? Yep. Wow, you're a fucking madman. I was a man. Read a fucking newspaper. Get those times.

Well, I did that for important stuff, but sometimes I'd see something twice or something else. I think that's how I saw that second Mortal Kombat movie. It was like, me and a couple of buddies showed up. Hey, there's another Mortal Kombat movie. See, exactly. That's exactly how I saw that too. You get those people that they get up to the window, and it's their turn to purchase a ticket. And it's like, hmm, what is playing?

like they're at McDonald's. Right, yeah. Sorry, continue. I just, oh, that fucking steams me. All right. That's an interesting thing. Wow. We're letting our hair down.

Someone's in the fucking holiday spirit. He's in the holiday spirit. On this particular trip to the movie, someone suggested inviting another friend on our outing. Uh-oh. That's always dicey proposition. Yes, someone outside the circle, but is in someone else's circle?

Dangerous chemistry. Friend experimentation is nasty business. Yeah, don't do it. Never talk to anyone. I got enough friends. I'll call him Frank. I couldn't stand, Frank. What are you doing sitting in the middle of the road, huh?

Oh, wow. You're a fucking idiot. That's Donnie Darko? That's Donnie Darker. I thought it was Keanu Reeves for a second. That dude sounds like Keanu Reeves. You're right. It's the same kid from Independence Day.

Russell, what are you doing? It was just cans. The last one was Keanu. Oh, man, that's a great game. Dude from Donnie Darko or Keanu Reeves. Ciphered through a bad impression. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right. I couldn't stand, Frank. One of these somewhat handsome. Oh, shit. Yeah, Frank. But mostly obnoxious center retention guys. Oh, yeah. Hey, Frank.

Did they put Frank's number on that? First of all, letter writer sexed me, Frank's number. You know what I'm saying? Man, handsome but slightly obnoxious. It's like hanging out with we hate movies. Yeah, that's not very handsome. Man, all you two want for Christmas is some fucking self-esteem. I'll take it.

But both of my friends were completely in love with him. Frankites. Yeah. Frankophiles. You know what Frank was trying to do? Angle that threesome. Oh, yeah, you know it. And then you get, you know why?

Because here's the problem. Here's Frank's problem. I'm going to tell you this from Frank's perspective. Yeah. I'm like, oh, cool, those two ladies that are into me. I'm going to go out to the movies of them. This third friend shows up. Well, we don't know they're sexes?

Yeah. I do. I read the letter. Oh, okay. I didn't know they were all ladies. They probably are. Okay. All right.

Continue. Whatever. I'm sorry. But I'm just you. The problem is going with your sex fantasy. When you're trying to angle a threesome and then a fourth person comes in, it turns into an orgy, which is a totally different set of planning. You need like another month's prep.

I sucked it up. And comfort myself with the fact that at least I would go see 30 days of night. What, whatever. Pertheses, I know. Look, everybody, I know. It was almost like they knew we'd be mocking them. Yeah. Well, yeah.

I mean, people know what they're getting in for. That's true. It wasn't until we got to the theater that someone realized she forgot her ID. Oh, man, isn't that the worst? Hence, it would not be able to get into the R-rated film. Frustrated but not beaten, we went through our other options, and I suggest we see Nightmare Before Christmas in 3D. Great idea.

I guess so. In 2007, mind you, 3D was still halfway enjoyable novelty. My vote was quickly overthrown by Frank, who said that we were too old for that and suggested the game plan. If you don't know, if you don't recall, this is a. Disney film starring Dwayne Johnson as an NFL hot shot living a high life until a little

girl appears claiming to be his daughter hijinks ensue. It's like Big Daddy with football. I fucking forgot that movie existed. I never saw it. It was kind of like... You probably saw it, didn't you? Creep. No, I haven't seen it, but I remember when it came out because it was post-Scorping King so it was like, oh, the Rock can do both

things. Yeah, comedy now. He's a movie star. Yes. This movie cemented the Rock as a movie star. You may remember that adorable poster that featured the rock back to back with this tiny girl and a tutu. I do. Their arms crossed and eyebrows cocked in a classic

How is this going to work? Pose. I remember a joke in the trailer where she bedazzles a football. I strongly suggested we choose something else. Desperate to win this douchebag Frank's approval. My friends ignored my protest. Oh man.

Outvoted on your own fucking movie outing? This is bullshit, Frank. I'm getting pissed. And suddenly we're all settling in to watch the game plan. Also, Nightmare Before Christmas. Better movie than the game plan. By the way, you're too old to go see Nightmare before Christmas. You're going to see the fucking game plan.

Fucking fuck you, Frank. How about that? That's kind of the problem with some of this shit. No, it is. This is a diaper movie if I ever heard one. The game plan? Little girl, how is it going to work? Because you get...

When you're in high school, there's that weird, like, adult. I'm no baby, so it's like, I'm not going to watch a fucking cartoon movie. But meanwhile, that movie is kind of like a timeless classic at this point, and who the fuck gives a shit. And fuck you, Frank. And also, we're all in our 30s. Most of what we watch is cartoons and fucking animated gleep-clop, this, that, or the other. Yep. Grow up, Frank.

I'll speak for yourself. We were literally talking about Star Wars rebels an hour and a half ago. Yup. Don't destroy the illusion. I'm trying to be somewhat handsome. I was furious and vented my rage the only way... Yeah, and tried to vent my rage the only way I knew how by talking, by taking it out on the movie.

I see through the whole thing, resigned to hatred before the opening credits. I think the only sound I made was one loud, sarcastic, in response to a particularly flat joke. I realized I could have easily walked out, but instead I decided to punish my friends. I would sit through the movie Stoneface only to ridicule them

with a biting review on the way home. Oh, geez, it's like going to the movies with Darya. Or Chris Cabin. Oh, totally true. Oh, God, we love you, Chris, if you're out there. If, we'll find out. Yeah, we don't know. We got to get a frequency radio, then we'll find him.

It was the end of that season, and he got abducted by aliens. The movie wasn't actually that bad, merely unremembered. remarkable, but as a matter of principle, I took merciless, merciless notes throughout. I wanted my friends to know the depth of their portrayal and foolishness. Wait, I'm like pen and paper? No, I just didn't brain anything. Mental, I hope so.

If you're busting out the pen and paper, I don't know. It's a little weird. Why are you bringing them to the movies in the first place? I mean, that's what Chris Cabin does. Well, he's a professional critic. Exactly. They all do that. It's his job to be snarky.

and they were in for quite a heckling once the credits rolled. I didn't account for the fact that no one takes movies as personally as I do. Yeah, oh, I've been there. I've always been there and I feel like I'm just now going to, who gives this shit? Yeah, you're getting past it. I'm getting mellow in my old age, man. Totally, dude, you just got to chill right out with that. Nobody gave a shit about my snotty comments or my hurt feelings.

And the rest of the evening went on without any mention of the movie. we had just seen. So basically, I punished myself and this kid's movie out of pettiness, and it didn't even pay off. I wonder if any of you guys have watched something out of pure spite or if you've ever hated an okay movie based on circumstances around in your first watch. I mean, yeah, probably plenty of times. The only one that jumps to mind is something I've already talked about. I think on the last mailbag was like when I saw AI, that was the case. Like, AI is a good, it's a C movie, but I just MST3K. right in that theater for no reason.

You know, one thing that comes to mind, just in this loud, sarcastic, ha, was kind of my move for a while. I remember being kind of drunk watching Kickass with frequent collaborator, private cabin, Sean Wiener. We were hanging out watching, you know, opening weekend.

We were like, oh, this movie could be kind of cool and it just kind of stunk. Yeah. And like, there's just a lot of cheesy jokes and we're just kind of drunk in the middle of it. So, like, we were both, like, kind of trying to out-haw each other, and people were getting mad about it. Oh, sure. Not the greatest crowd to be doing that in.

No. Also, you know, the thing is painting movie experiences, and it's happening now that my bladder is, I guess, constricting. Like, the race to the bathroom is turning into a problem. You know, it's just like that these movies get longer and longer. And I'm like, come on, James Bond. That's the thing. Solve this specter. That's the thing.

Because I got to go to the bathroom. If I have to go to the bathroom during a movie and I hate getting up, I will sit there. And then I'll realize that my physical condition at the time ruins the moviegoing experience. I got stuck waiting outside at the New York Film Festival to see Inherent Vice. And it was pouring rain. And so I sat through a two hour and 40 minute movie just drenched. And like I liked it, but I realized I was being harsher on the movie than I would have. I rewatched the second time

Bone Dry and like really loved it But that was one of those like I knew as it was happening I was like in a funk about this movie Cool Nothing from you Not gonna participate in this Actually I think when you and I

I think you were there Because I think I remember your jerky comments And I think I probably had a few myself I think Mission Impossible three Oh yes! Where we kind of For some reason we were just like fuck this You're totally right

But honestly I really like it now When we did the re-watch this summer, you're right. Yeah, I heckled the fuck out of that movie. We both did watching it. We were just young and stupid. Jerky 23-year-olds. You know, that happens. P.S., I don't have those friends anymore.

Oh, my lord. But I haven't since come around to the charms of Dway. But I have since come around to the charms of Dwayne Johnson. Oh, I love Dwayne Johnson. I haven't seen that movie, though. Probably won't. No, that's fine. Fuck it.

Hey, fuck it. Can't get enough of the show. Riley. There you go. All right. Well, thanks so much for listening. And thanks for sharing your experience. All right. What's the next one? Oh, no. This is kind of like Russian roulette.

I was hoping I didn't get this story. But here we are. Here we are. Most embarrassing movie date. Oh, I remember this email. Oh, hey, folks at home. Put the kids to bed. Hi, WHM guys.

I'm writing to share my most embarrassing incident of my life. Good use of embarrassing, which occurred in a movie theater. I'm in my 30s now and just typing this is causing me to sweat in my stomach to twist into knots. I haven't told my husband this. Last name will be withheld.

August. Nope. I'm joking. No one ever has to worry about that, by the way. Yeah, we just don't say the last day. We never said the last. Because listen, if we start outing people, then these fucking crazy tales stop coming into the mailbox.

That's true, yeah. So you can trust us on this. Definitely anonymous as shit. August, 1997. August 1997, I'm at the movies of the group of friends to see the Alicia Silverstone, Christopher Walken,

flop, excess baggage. Never saw that. It's something about a fake kidnapping and is that also the one with Adrian Grenier? I don't, or maybe not. I think Benicio is in that way. I also get that mixed up

with that Danny Boyle movie is a tripped up kind of life or whatever the hell's going on or Oh, it's a tripped up kind of life Or a slipping down kind of life Or whatever the fuck that one The Ewan McGregor, well, the Danny Boyle, Ewan McGregor movie, no, it's one where

I think Cameron Diaz is in it I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, an ordinary, a lifeless ordinary. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I never saw it. To this day, I couldn't tell you what the hell that movie is about. A bostrophic kidnapping question mark. Anyway, sounds about right. Yep.

Anyway, I didn't care too much about the movie because this is a boy girl group date. Hello 8th grade. Now we're talking. It was a weekday afternoon before the school year started. That combined with the fact that the movie wasn't that popular and shorter that a grouty group of obnoxious

young teenagers had the theater virtually to ourselves. I hadn't been feeling well earlier that day but I powered through because I knew my crush John, hello, was going to be there. I was beyond excited because this is the last time I saw him. We had made out to a Pearl Jam album

in his basement a plus fuck yeah yeah that's a 10 was it yield were you making out to yield I was joking that it would be 10 well that was one of their albums

yeah yeah right or maybe you just you're making out and then oh where oh where could my baby be like oh this is kind of weird we would stop making out now huh Jeremy spoken yeah

that would be a weird music video to make it too. That's got to be kind of weird. I mean, not that like Pearl James and now I'm just thinking like, what? Oh, no, just in from the internet ticker. So excess baggage. Yes, Benisiel Dautoro. Yes, Chris Wachan, yes, Alicia Silverstone. Directed by a dude named Marco Brambia. Do you want to know what his other major and only work is? The Paraselt and Sex tape. I'm going to go with Eric on this one. No, four years before Excess baggage directed Demolition Man. Ooh.

Better movie's favorite. That's going to be a we love movies one of these days. Oh, absolutely. So I sat on his lap and we chomped winter fresh and kissed hardcore for nearly two hours. Wow. I made myself ignore the pains in my abdomen and achy feelings in my lower back. Anyone guess what's coming? Hey, Steve, spoiler alert.

When the lights come on, I sheepishly slid off him upon standing, immediately realized. something felt very wrong. I glanced down and saw the front of his jeans was soaked with blood. Ooh. It took me three sickening seconds to realize this horror. Those pains were cramps.

That was my blood. Oh. I had gotten my first period on the lap of my crush in a public space surrounded by 10 friends. Oh, boy. Oh, man. Why don't teleporters exist?

You know what I mean? Like, that's the end of the story. Oh, shit. Boo, boop, pop. God. Teleporters are honestly the fucking man in black neuralizer. It looked like I had knifed the guy in the thigh and crotch and severed several major arteries.

Then it turns into a Stephen Seagall movie. I mean, this sounds like a better movie than the movie you were watching. I was paralyzed by embarrassment and began to shake and quietly cry. My God. My girlfriend stared incredulously, wordlessly, frozen for what felt like an eternity. Now this is, I'm sorry, friends of this person. This is where you've got to step up.

Exactly. The lady friends, get in there, swoop in there, fucking solve this situation. You got to pull a Billy Madison in that scenario and be like, bleeding on your boyfriend's the coolest. And like grab some of the blood and put it on your lap. Oh, God, Almighty.

Oh, well, if that's cool, consider me Miles Davis. I mean, this is like the fucking fall of Saigon. Get out of there. Yes, exactly. Before those helicopters go. The other boys we start were with started laughing and screaming, which is shitty, but you know, it's eighth grade.

You know, I don't know. It's tough. It's tough all over. Yeah, boys are terrible. They always have been. And poor John turned every shade of red and stammered with what is it, what do I do? What should I do? the usher came to see what the noise about quickly assessed the situation started laughing and ran back down the stairs

and out of our lives fuck that guy yeah that dude should be fired your dad should have come back the next day and straighten that kid out oh man a lot of fingers in the chest oh yeah that dad would get to poking I love a good poking

finally a friend says guys it's 330 I bet our rides are here oh man everyone scattered while I watched John remove his long-sleeved t-shirt and hand it was the 90s and hand it to me

what's this for I managed to ask tie it around your waist your butt is all bloody I can't really hide this and he's pointing themselves I imagine he said motioning to the carry prom massacre on the lower half of his body

Bravo in this email oh it's well written it's a well-written email beautiful I didn't even attempt to use the restroom I knew the only thing fixing this for me was a shower, a trash can from my clothes, and relocation to another

country, God willing. We wordlessly walked through the lobby together where, of course, a day camp hold on, where of course a day camp field trip was filling up the afternoon screening of Airbud. Oh, damn you, Airbud! We heard a little kid scream, that guy is all bloody, look.

Hey, are you okay? You know what? Those kids didn't care if he was okay. No. It was a sarcastic, hey, are you okay? Jesus, this is just getting worse and worse. What else can happen? Were they filming an episode of Wild and Crazy Kids?

Is Donnie Jeff Code going to make an appearance in this email? Wild and Crazy Kids. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wild and crazy kids. Wait, did I hear this right? They were filming Air Bud? No, they were going to see it. Oh, God. suddenly the eyes of about 60 kids and counselors

and coordinating t-shirts and name tags were upon us. I can't remember what else was said because we booked it towards the exit. It did not stop sprinting until we were at the curb. I started sobbing again when I realized everyone else had been picked up and I had no ride. My friends had left me. Dude, these friends. Listen, the last letter writer was like BTW don't have those friends anymore. Listen, ma'am,

I certainly hope you do not have these fucking friends anymore. Or if you can call them that. John proved to be the very definition of a gentleman. He sat down on the curb next to me. He handed me a stick of gum and asked with a grin, so how did you like the movie? I laughed. I was terrified. He was going to embarrass me further.

If that was somehow possible by asking me questions about my period. No, you're not going to do that. As if reading my mind, he said something along the lines of, I'm sorry about your, you know, in the theater. I was just shocked. and those guys are stupid. It's really no big deal, right? I have a sister. You'll feel better when you get home. It'll be okay. How did these two kids not get married? Seriously. Some 13-year-old boys are just nice people. Who knew? His mom drove us home, but she was done too happy. Well, yeah, because that's the problem. The evidence is everywhere that, you know, how did that get on there? You know, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you know, yep, yep. I'm sure that's what she was doing. Oh, yeah. Mrs. John knew what was going on. Because, you know, half of her is like, you know, the maternal thing of like, oh, this poor girl. So she needs a mother right now, but also the fuck you're doing it on my son's lap.

You fucking tramp! You fucking trap, ma'am! Like, half her wants to throw maxi pads at her like Harry. Half her doesn't. It's a big, very, very, a lot of emotional detail in this story that I love. Totally. Who do? His mom drove us home.

She's not too happy. And awkwardly dug a big blue plastic tarp out of her trunk and placed it across the back. seat. Wow. Just keeping tarps in the car, huh, lady? Oh, uh, the, uh, Louise Gacy driving to get home. Oh, I can take with a John's tarp. Well, yeah, it's John. You're right. Wow. John Wayne, why are you bringing this bloodied up girl in the, oh, my word. Uh, no. It wasn't the 1950s. Maybe John Wayne Gacy, young John Wayne Gacy's a time slider. That also could be. Or maybe it's a John Wayne Gacy Jr.

situation, kind of like James Bond Jr. Oh, wow. Oh, dude, it's our little critters. Yes. It would be, oh, it would be the sequel to Litter Critters. Like when they did like older Rugrats, it would be like Critters Jr. Nice. Yep.

Selling it. Now they're kissing. Kissing critters. Kissing critters. She put the tarp across the backseat for her to sit on. I think I blacked out from him, uh, embarrassing. She made him set up front with her With her for some unknown reason

And would not let him turn on the radio You gotta put That's time for some CCR Oh sure It ain't me Run through the jungle We made it We rode home in silence

And every time she made a sharp turn I would slide on the tarp And we'd make a crunchy crinkle noise How am I not? Sharp turns because she's getting her home quick How am I not dead? Good question The teasing from my terrible friends didn't last too long. FYI did not get pelted with Maxie Pads later at school.

And though John and I didn't have a lasting romance, I'll always remember his kindness in the most awkward moment of my life. If I had the courage to, also, I guess she's still friends with these people, huh? I guess so. Bullshit. Yeah, total bullshit. If I had the courage back then to submit this to Tramorama on the back page of 17 magazine, I'm sure I'd be the reigning undisputed queen.

Ask your wives or maybe don't Thanks for all the laughs And free therapy Melissa Holy fuck No no comment So I'll tell you what Here's my comment

This whole time I've been listening To read this tale I've been making like The 1990s set short film In my head Oh yeah that's a good movie And here's the final Here's the final shot of it

Kind of stealing from the graduate But stay with me It's three people in this fucking serial killer's minivan This poor girl's on the tarp like he goes to turn on the radio it's your ccr song for two seconds fortunate son plays mrs wayne gasey's like no music and turns it off and they're just driving and then because it's the 90s they're sitting there in silence for a little bit rocking in the minivan as they drive

their ford wind star and you just hear somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me and fucking smash mouth takes you to credits but that that has all of it's not even a uh uh uh uh uh short film, it's kind of just like a freaks and geeks episode, right? It's got all, like, the emotional longing. Yes, like, yeah. It's got the right period details. Mm-hmm. We need to...

Wait, of like the time. Well, no, I mean, the freaks and geeks from the 70s or whatever, but I'm saying, like, it's like a 1990s set freaks and geek. Do you just understand that you said period details? Oh, oh. I didn't... I wasn't thinking there. Yes, I said period details.

We should be hired to make freaks and geeks set in the 90s. Oh, yeah. Oh, yep. And then one episode, someone could be watching freaks and geeks. Oh, shit. Think about it. And we could be, like, you know, like, funny with and be like, this show is going to last forever. I can't wait to see what they do next season.

All right. Final letter here to take us home. This is Muppets in Passion of the Christ. Dear W.H.M. Like some of you, I worked at a multiplex in my younger years, primarily cleaning theaters. That was me and Chris Cabin. Chris was primarily cleaning theaters, and I was primarily a projectionist. It was good, honest work and lots of exercise, and if I won the lottery, I'd probably clean theaters 16 to 24 hours a week just for something to do. When the Passion of the Christ came out, it was very big for our theater. We played it on five of our ten screens opening weekend. My goodness.

I spent a lot of time looking at the credits waiting for people, many of whom were overcome with emotion, waiting for them to get the hell out so I could start sweeping. Eventually, I noticed that there was someone in the production who was credited as Muppeteer. I was very amused by this and pointed it out to as many strangers as possible. I didn't see the movie for some years, and when I did, I kept my eyes peeled. But I didn't notice any Muppets.

You all know quite a lot about movies. So I ask you, where are the Muppets and the Passion of the Christ? Where are they? IMDB backs me up on the accredited Muppeteer whose name is Philip Farah. Thanks for everything. Also, Eric, I know you have stairs in your house. John in Baltimore. What is this stair comment about?

I don't know. Just so you know, John, I currently do not have stairs in this. You are currently without stairs. In the past, I have had stairs. Someone is trying to use context, to get your exact address and you just gave them you just dropped a big fat domino

it's like guess who yeah he tricked you do you have stairs in your house tick tick tick tick tick tick tick yep yep starting to add up just like a bunch of circles on a map like all right no

I would I would wager the Muppet thing is like you're fucking you're dead people on the cross making a move but why would you call it a Muppet a Muppet's a very specific thing right I think if you're

I mean, if you're hiring out Henson Workshop people, that's a Muppet, dude. Bloody Jesus or a fucking frog, it's a Muppet. Yay, Jesus is dead. I would love. I mean, you ever watch those veggie tales things where it's all like,

not especially, but I know what you're talking about. Christian cartoons. Yeah, it's something else. The Muppets should do like the passion. Like maybe it's not, who should play. I mean, it's got to be Kermit, right? Kermit's got to be Jesus. Yeah, right.

Fosier's Pontius Pilate. Fossey is Ponce's pilot, eh? Yeah, I mean... Or maybe Fonzie's like Fossey, I mean, geez. Once Kermit's whipped and put to death, you know, Fossey Bear could be like, Waka, that's a tough act to follow. Like he has to do his show or something.

The Devil, played by Gonzo, probably. Yeah, because he's the most devious, sure. Oh, right. Or maybe a member of the crowd putting him the... You know what I'm saying? the Malt Gibson angle. Stop whipping my Kermie. Wait, so who's she?

Mary Magdalene? Well, that's the toss-up. There's only two ladies she can be. It's either Mary Magdalene because they're kind of boyfriend, girlfriend. Right. Or she's Mary Mother of Jesus. Well, that's not going to fly.

Because everybody knows the pig and the frog are fucking. The other question is, who are the humans? You get Will Farrell in there as, I don't know, somebody, right? Now, that's a Pontius Piled if I ever said. Yeah, oh, yeah. And maybe, what would snuffle up against? Judas Sure

Is Judas in the passion? Of course he would have to be Oh he's the traitor No he's not in the passion I guess it's post No I think they show him Hang himself Oh man a Muppet hanging from a tree

I like this movie already Snuffle up against he's breaking the tree That was a quick one I lied there's one more There's one more letter here Does anyone else want to read it Or I'll just get to it real quick Go for it buddy

All right Oh because this is I mean it's technically a Christmas episode of the mailbag. Sort of. Here's a holiday related one, sort of. Green is a Christmas color, right? Sure. The subject line. Hey guys, this may be a little late, but in your James Bond Jr. episode of animation damnation,

you briefly proposed the idea that Dr. Noe got his green skin from that weird drink he made. From my own unique personal experience, I can tell you that this is in fact all too possible. I went through a year or two phase when I became a pretty hardcore gym rat. Yeah, me too. Really?

No, no. I worked out every day and read the fitness and nutrition blogs. One day, I read an article about how a chemical and spinach has been found to act like a steroid, but without negative side effects. The article concluded that while spinach is good for you, unless you have access to a lab that can extract this chemical in order to gain any benefits, the average-sized male adult would have to eat a full kilogram of spinach a day. I read this as I guess I have to eat over a kilogram of spinach a day. After converting from metric to Imperial, I rounded up to

an even three pounds to be on the safe side. Jesus is some Papa shit. Oh man, Popeye shits must have stunk like... Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus. Seafood all the time. Seafood and spinach.

That's a splatterball. Wow. Wow. Oh, olive oil. Better get the plunger. Wimpy banging on the door. Are you finished yet? I'll gladly trade you toilet time on Tuesday for toilet time now. I got to take a grade A meat shit. I mean, that's a problem. That's strong. Oh, man. And then you get bluto eating God knows what deer every day, I guess. And olive oil drinking olive oil? Why are all these characters sharing one toilet, by the way?

They all live in the same sea shanty. This is like, oh, Wimpy's got the meat farts. Save me. Save me. Andrew, this is just life in the Navy, man. Exactly.

After two or three days, I found that eating three pounds of spinach was taking up too much time and that my jaw was hurting from all the additional chewing I was now doing every day. As a result, I purchased a blender and started to,

drinking my daily three pounds of spinach. I'll be honest, this tasted even grosser than you are currently thinking. Yikes. I like spinach, but not that much. There are limits. Well, I'm sure it can be argued that any gains I achieved

over the next three or four months were from a placebo effect. I'm fairly confident I can say the increasingly green tint my skin was showing was not. For a good long while, it wasn't really all that noticeable, and I was able to doubt that it was happening at all.

Then, a heat wave hit, and my AC broke, and I could no longer deny that any areas that have sweat issues, such as the armpits and feet, but mostly the crotch, were undoubtedly, objectively, kind of green. Oh, mistletoe alert. Get under it. Get under it, olive oil. Oh, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, what do you say? Get under it, your back, oh, well.

Good blue, though. After seeing a doctor and having him laugh at me, I immediately put an end to my daily three pounds of spinach and my skin cleared up in two or three weeks. That's kind of, you know what? It must have been like the guy, a green guy comes and it's like, oh, my God, it's like a doctor house thing. And then, like, he asks, you know, you know, sexual stuff, blah, blah, blah, drugs.

And he's like, what's your diet? Like, well, I do eat three pounds of spinach a day. And it's like when Homer's got his hands in the two vending machines. Homer, you're just holding on to it? And all those firemen and are laughing at it. Like, that's what that is. It's, yeah, oh, man, this is humiliating. If I'm being honest, part of me wonders just how green I would have gotten if I really stuck with it.

Three or four months. I don't know how much you might just die, right? Well, this is the question. Are you, Aaron, subsisting solely on three pounds of spinach a day? Probably not, right? Yeah, so he's eating other things on top of the other things for protein. You're probably, if you're going to look at you, right? Lord, Lord Almighty. Got to get that grilled chicken.

Oh, man, it'd be great if Magneto showed up. And it was like, you've got too much iron in your blood. Oh, and sucked it right out the pores. Oh, Jesus. Right out the crotch. I noticed your green crying. as Magneto. But as Elijah Wood once said,

and he's referencing the film The Good Son, I guess I'll always wonder, but I know I'll never ask. Merry Christmas, Aaron. Merry Christmas to you indeed, Aaron. That's something. You know the only thing I can sort of compare this to? A couple weeks back, I had a cold,

and I was like, we had like the show coming up like the next week, and I'm like, I'm going to blast this fucking cold right out of me. And I was just going to town with vitamin C stuff. You know what that does? It gets you real shaky. It was like I had way too much coffee. I was like a hummingbird.

I'm just going around the office. I couldn't concentrate on anything. You're also in the can a lot. Speaking of Popeye's toilet. So what color? What color did it turn? My skin? Nothing.

I will say. What about your crotch? That stayed about the same, as far as I could tell. A body morphing thing. My brother, Mark, who's on the... Pokemon. Pokemon and Draynard episode, yeah I'll shame him

In his teens You had contacts And really didn't take care of him And by that I mean He would sleep with him on Oh, that's a big no-no He wouldn't take them out Like he would put them

They would be in for days and weeks And like You know And one morning He's like tried to open his eye And he couldn't And like the contact Was like had popped out

He had a cat eye Like it was I saw it I remember It's the freakiest thing I've ever seen Like, his eye was just this weird slit, and it was this big red puffy thing. And I'm like, oh, that's disgusting.

The optometrist said, or ophthalmologist probably, said that if he kept it in one more day, he would have lost his eye. Oh, my God. Lesson for the day, folks. Not that much spinach and take out those contacts. Clean them up. Yeah, your body is a temple. Remember that out there And listen land

Let's go get some Burger King No We can't We tried We could tell that a quick story Oh yeah We were on the road back from D.C And we were like

We're gonna reward ourselves We had two good shows We're gonna have a frozen surge of Burger King We had all these people Tweeting us pictures of it And we're like Oh my God I want to make me thirsty

I want to try it We go to the first Burger King pulling off the highway entirely, by the way. This is the search for Burger King. This is how bad this is. And Christopher Lloyd is running a foul of everybody in this one. We get to the first Burger King. Huge sign on like the Milar menu that just says closed for business.

Thank you. Drive like another few miles down the road. We get to this ghost town Burger King. You know, like a mine had closed in this town. And the only thing left was the Burger King. we go in we're like here we go cold icy surge in like slurpy form gonna get some buffalo chicken fries well yeah a couple of fat guys are not gonna not get food i'm not just going into a burger king for a beverage no so we order all this food and each of us gets a frozen surge and only after the transactions are complete does this manager turn around and say hey guys my slurpy machines busted oh now we're just just eating chicken fries. Yes, so this guy had only hot surge in the bag.

Boiling hot. Piping hot, man. That's irony for you. That's the devil's irony. So to this day, the cast of We Hate Movies still zero for zero. Or I guess, oh for two. We've tried. O for two on Frozen Surge.

Dare I say, I don't think any of us, I can speak for myself, I guess. Haven't had surge since it got brought back. I haven't. I haven't either. And you know what? Like, let's just fucking. put it in a can go to a bodega like a normal person. Exactly. You can't get a fucking can of

Surge with my sandwich. Not this fucking order soda off of Amazon horseshit. No, I don't need it. Come on. I got three bodegas right across the street. I can be swimming in Surge. Nope. You got to wait for that trickle-down economics. That is the

W.HM Mailbag for December, gang. We will be back after the new year with your letters and your weird stories and your questions for us, which we swear, all anonymous. We're all above board here at We Hate Movies, right into the mailbag. We All Hate Movies at gmail.com. Until next time, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Seda. Eric Sisker. Take it easy.