S6: WHM Mail Bag: Theater Tag Alongs, Embarrassing Movie Moments & Crucified Muppets
00:00Hello,Hello, everyone, welcome to another edition of WHAG, I'm Andrew JupiterBut alongside Eric Siskin, Stephen Sadek, we're here to read some letters for the holidays.They're not letters to Santa.They're letters to We Hate Movies.Which is kind of like Santa.A little bit.I think we're the collective weight of Santa, at least.
00:42Why is it, Buddha, huh?He's enormous.Oh, yes.Santa was a big boy.Yeah, so we've got some letters here.Eric, do you want to kick things off?Oh, boy.I haven't looked into these letters selections, so I'm kind of interested.
00:55Neither have I.Oh, what are you just printing blindly?Oh, no, this was compiled by my assistant, Stephen Sane.Fair enough.The first one, subject line, Spite Watch.Spite Watch.Yeah.Oh, like watching something out of spite.
01:13Absolutely.Okay.Hi, guys.After going through some old mailbag episodes, which are a real treat, BTW?You know, a lot of people saying that, getting a lot of positive feedback from these mailbag episodes.Yeah.We're going to let our hair down in these.Yeah, totally.
01:29I don't have shoes on.Regarding terrible movie theater experiences,I recalled one of my own that I wanted to share.When I was in high school,my two best friends and I went to the movies frequently.We all had similar taste and usually agreed on what we wanted to see,often well in advance of actually buying tickets.That's a good way to do it.
01:50I mean, I grew up, hey, what's in the theater?Yeah, but you'd have those.At the box office, though?Yep.Wow, you're a fucking madman.I was a man.Read a fucking newspaper.Get those times.
02:04Well, I did that for important stuff, but sometimes I'd see something twice or something else.I think that's how I saw that second Mortal Kombat movie.It was like, me and a couple of buddies showed up.Hey, there's another Mortal Kombat movie.See, exactly.That's exactly how I saw that too.You get those people that they get up to the window, and it's their turn to purchase a ticket.And it's like, hmm, what is playing?
02:28like they're at McDonald's.Right, yeah.Sorry, continue.I just, oh, that fucking steams me.All right.That's an interesting thing.Wow.We're letting our hair down.
02:40Someone's in the fucking holiday spirit.He's in the holiday spirit.On this particular trip to the movie,someone suggested inviting another friend on our outing.Uh-oh.That's always dicey proposition.Yes, someone outside the circle,but is in someone else's circle?
02:57Dangerous chemistry.Friend experimentation is nasty business.Yeah, don't do it.Never talk to anyone.I got enough friends.I'll call him Frank.I couldn't stand, Frank.What are you doing sitting in the middle of the road, huh?
03:09Oh, wow.You're a fucking idiot.That's Donnie Darko?That's Donnie Darker.I thought it was Keanu Reeves for a second.That dude sounds like Keanu Reeves.You're right.It's the same kid from Independence Day.
03:21Russell, what are you doing?It was just cans.The last one was Keanu.Oh, man, that's a great game.Dude from Donnie Darko or Keanu Reeves.Ciphered through a bad impression.Yeah.Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
03:37All right.I couldn't stand, Frank.One of these somewhat handsome.Oh, shit.Yeah, Frank.But mostly obnoxious center retention guys.Oh, yeah.Hey, Frank.
03:49Did they put Frank's number on that?First of all, letter writer sexed me, Frank's number.You know what I'm saying?Man, handsome but slightly obnoxious.It's like hanging out with we hate movies.Yeah, that's not very handsome.Man, all you two want for Christmas is some fucking self-esteem.I'll take it.
04:13But both of my friends were completely in love with him.Frankites.Yeah.Frankophiles.You know what Frank was trying to do?Angle that threesome.Oh, yeah, you know it.And then you get, you know why?
04:27Because here's the problem.Here's Frank's problem.I'm going to tell you this from Frank's perspective.Yeah.I'm like, oh, cool, those two ladies that are into me.I'm going to go out to the movies of them.This third friend shows up.Well, we don't know they're sexes?
04:38Yeah.I do.I read the letter.Oh, okay.I didn't know they were all ladies.They probably are.Okay.All right.
04:47Continue.Whatever.I'm sorry.But I'm just you.The problem is going with your sex fantasy.When you're trying to angle a threesome and then a fourth person comes in,it turns into an orgy, which is a totally different set of planning.You need like another month's prep.
05:02I sucked it up.And comfort myself with the fact that at least I would go see 30 days of night.What, whatever.Pertheses, I know.Look, everybody, I know.It was almost like they knew we'd be mocking them.Yeah.Well, yeah.
05:19I mean, people know what they're getting in for.That's true.It wasn't until we got to the theater that someone realized she forgot her ID.Oh, man, isn't that the worst?Hence, it would not be able to get into the R-rated film.Frustrated but not beaten, we went through our other options,and I suggest we see Nightmare Before Christmas in 3D.Great idea.
05:40I guess so.In 2007, mind you, 3D was still halfway enjoyable novelty.My vote was quickly overthrown by Frank,who said that we were too old for that and suggested the game plan.If you don't know, if you don't recall, this is a.Disney film starring Dwayne Johnson asan NFL hot shot livinga high life until a little
06:02girl appears claiming to be his daughterhijinks ensue. It's likeBig Daddy with football. I fuckingforgot that movie existed. I never saw it.It was kind of like... You probably sawit, didn't you? Creep. No, I haven't seen it, but I rememberwhen it came out because it was post-Scorping Kingso it was like, oh, the Rock can do both
06:18things. Yeah, comedy now. He's a movie star.Yes. This movie cemented the Rock asa movie star. You may rememberthat adorable poster that featuredthe rock back to back with this tiny girland a tutu. I do.Their arms crossed and eyebrowscocked in a classic
06:34How is this going to work?Pose.I remember a joke in the trailerwhere she bedazzles a football.I strongly suggested we choose something else.Desperate to win this douchebagFrank's approval. My friendsignored my protest. Oh man.
06:52Outvoted on your own fucking movieouting? This is bullshit, Frank.I'm getting pissed.And suddenly we're all settling in to watch the game plan.Also, Nightmare Before Christmas.Better movie than the game plan.By the way, you're too old to go see Nightmare before Christmas.You're going to see the fucking game plan.
07:10Fucking fuck you, Frank.How about that?That's kind of the problem with some of this shit.No, it is.This is a diaper movie if I ever heard one.The game plan?Little girl, how is it going to work?Because you get...
07:23When you're in high school, there's that weird, like, adult.I'm no baby, so it's like, I'm not going to watch a fucking cartoon movie.But meanwhile, that movie is kind of like a timeless classic at this point, and who the fuck gives a shit.And fuck you, Frank.And also, we're all in our 30s.Most of what we watch is cartoons and fucking animated gleep-clop, this, that, or the other.Yep.Grow up, Frank.
07:43I'll speak for yourself.We were literally talking about Star Wars rebels an hour and a half ago.Yup.Don't destroy the illusion.I'm trying to be somewhat handsome.I was furious and vented my rage the only way...Yeah, and tried to vent my rage the only way I knew howby talking, by taking it out on the movie.
08:09I see through the whole thing,resigned to hatred before the opening credits.I think the only sound I made was one loud, sarcastic,in response to a particularly flat joke.I realized I could have easily walked out,but instead I decided to punish my friends.I would sit through the movie Stonefaceonly to ridicule them
08:31with a biting review on the way home.Oh, geez, it's like going to the movies with Darya.Or Chris Cabin.Oh, totally true.Oh, God, we love you, Chris, if you're out there.If, we'll find out.Yeah, we don't know.We got to get a frequency radio, then we'll find him.
08:49It was the end of that season,and he got abducted by aliens.The movie wasn't actually that bad, merely unremembered.remarkable, but as a matter of principle, I took merciless, merciless notes throughout.I wanted my friends to know the depth of their portrayal and foolishness.Wait, I'm like pen and paper?No, I just didn't brain anything.Mental, I hope so.
09:12If you're busting out the pen and paper, I don't know.It's a little weird.Why are you bringing them to the movies in the first place?I mean, that's what Chris Cabin does.Well, he's a professional critic.Exactly.They all do that.It's his job to be snarky.
09:24and they were in for quite a heckling once the credits rolled.I didn't account for the fact that no one takes movies as personally as I do.Yeah, oh, I've been there.I've always been there and I feel like I'm just now going to, who gives this shit?Yeah, you're getting past it.I'm getting mellow in my old age, man.Totally, dude, you just got to chill right out with that.Nobody gave a shit about my snotty comments or my hurt feelings.
09:51And the rest of the evening went on without any mention of the movie.we had just seen. So basically, I punished myself and this kid's movie out of pettiness, and it didn'teven pay off. I wonder if any of you guys have watched something out of pure spite or if you'veever hated an okay movie based on circumstances around in your first watch.I mean, yeah, probably plenty of times. The only one that jumps to mind is something I'vealready talked about. I think on the last mailbag was like when I saw AI, that was the case.Like, AI is a good, it's a C movie, but I just MST3K.right in that theater for no reason.
10:27You know, one thing that comes to mind,just in this loud, sarcastic,ha, was kind of my move for a while.I remember being kind of drunkwatching Kickass with frequent collaborator,private cabin, Sean Wiener.We were hanging out watching,you know, opening weekend.
10:45We were like, oh, this movie could be kind of cooland it just kind of stunk.Yeah.And like, there's just a lot of cheesy jokesand we're just kind of drunk in the middle of it.So, like, we were both, like, kind of trying to out-haw each other, and people were getting mad about it.Oh, sure.Not the greatest crowd to be doing that in.
11:03No.Also, you know, the thing is painting movie experiences, and it's happening now that my bladder is, I guess, constricting.Like, the race to the bathroom is turning into a problem.You know, it's just like that these movies get longer and longer.And I'm like, come on, James Bond.That's the thing.Solve this specter.That's the thing.
11:20Because I got to go to the bathroom.If I have to go to the bathroom during a movie and I hate getting up, I will sit there.And then I'll realize that my physical condition at the time ruins the moviegoing experience.I got stuck waiting outside at the New York Film Festival to see Inherent Vice.And it was pouring rain.And so I sat through a two hour and 40 minute movie just drenched.And like I liked it, but I realized I was being harsher on the movie than I would have.I rewatched the second time
11:51Bone Dry and like really loved itBut that was one of those likeI knew as it was happeningI was like in a funk about this movieCoolNothing from youNot gonna participate in thisActually I think when you and I
12:05I think you were thereBecause I think I remember your jerky commentsAnd I think I probably had a few myselfI think Mission Impossible threeOh yes!Where we kind ofFor some reason we were just like fuck thisYou're totally right
12:17But honestly I really like it nowWhen we did the re-watch this summer, you're right.Yeah, I heckled the fuck out of that movie.We both did watching it.We were just young and stupid.Jerky 23-year-olds.You know, that happens.P.S., I don't have those friends anymore.
12:33Oh, my lord.But I haven't since come around to the charms of Dway.But I have since come around to the charms of Dwayne Johnson.Oh, I love Dwayne Johnson.I haven't seen that movie, though.Probably won't.No, that's fine.Fuck it.
12:46Hey, fuck it.Can't get enough of the show.Riley. There you go.All right. Well, thanks so much for listening.And thanks for sharing your experience.All right. What's the next one?Oh, no.This is kind of like Russian roulette.
13:02I was hoping I didn't get this story.But here we are.Here we are.Most embarrassing movie date.Oh, I remember this email.Oh, hey, folks at home.Put the kids to bed.Hi, WHM guys.
13:16I'm writing to share my most embarrassingincident of my life.Good use of embarrassing, which occurredin a movie theater. I'm in my30s now and just typing this is causing me to sweatin my stomach to twist into knots.I haven't told my husbandthis. Last name will be withheld.
13:34August.Nope. I'm joking.No one ever has toworry about that, by the way.Yeah, we just don't say the last day. We never said the last.Because listen, if we start outing people,then these fucking crazytales stop coming into the mailbox.
13:48That's true, yeah.So you can trust us on this.Definitely anonymous as shit.August, 1997.August 1997, I'm at the moviesof the group of friendsto see the Alicia Silverstone,Christopher Walken,
14:02flop, excess baggage.Never saw that.It's something about a fake kidnappingand is that also the onewith Adrian Grenier?I don't, or maybe not.I think Benicio is in that way.I also get that mixed up
14:16with that Danny Boyle movieis a tripped up kind of lifeor whatever the hell's going on orOh, it's a tripped up kind of lifeOr a slipping down kind of lifeOr whatever the fuck that oneThe Ewan McGregor, well, the Danny Boyle,Ewan McGregor movie, no, it's one where
14:28I think Cameron Diaz is in itI don't know what you're talking about.Oh, an ordinary, a lifeless ordinary.Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I never saw it.To this day, I couldn't tell youwhat the hell that movie is about. A bostrophic kidnappingquestion mark. Anyway,sounds about right. Yep.
14:46Anyway, I didn't care too muchabout the movie because this isa boy girl group date. Hello8th grade. Now we're talking.It was a weekday afternoon beforethe school year started. Thatcombined with the fact that the movie wasn't that popularand shorter that a grouty group of obnoxious
15:02young teenagers had the theatervirtually to ourselves.I hadn't been feeling well earlier that daybut I powered through because I knew my crushJohn, hello, wasgoing to be there. I was beyondexcited because this is the last time I saw him. We hadmade out to a Pearl Jam album
15:18in his basementa plusfuck yeahyeah that's a 10was it yieldwere you making out to yieldI was joking that it would be 10well that was one of their albums
15:32yeah yeah rightor maybe you just you're making outand then oh whereoh where could my babybe like oh this is kind of weirdwe would stop making out now huhJeremy spokenyeah
15:45that would be a weird musicvideo to make it too. That's got to be kind of weird. I mean, not that likePearl James and now I'm just thinking like, what? Oh, no, just in from the internetticker. So excess baggage. Yes, Benisiel Dautoro. Yes, ChrisWachan, yes, Alicia Silverstone. Directed by a dude named Marco Brambia. Do you want to knowwhat his other major and only work is? The Paraselt and Sex tape. I'm going to gowith Eric on this one. No, four years before Excess baggage directed Demolition Man.Ooh.
16:18Better movie's favorite.That's going to be a we love movies one of these days.Oh, absolutely.So I sat on his lap and we chomped winter fresh and kissed hardcore for nearly two hours.Wow.I made myself ignore the pains in my abdomen and achy feelings in my lower back.Anyone guess what's coming?Hey, Steve, spoiler alert.
16:40When the lights come on, I sheepishly slid off him upon standing, immediately realized.something felt very wrong.I glanced down and saw the front of his jeanswas soaked with blood.Ooh.It took me three sickening secondsto realize this horror.Those pains were cramps.
17:00That was my blood.Oh.I had gotten my first periodon the lap of my crushin a public space surrounded by 10 friends.Oh, boy.Oh, man.Why don't teleporters exist?
17:11You know what I mean?Like, that's the end of the story.Oh, shit.Boo, boop, pop.God.Teleporters are honestly the fucking man in black neuralizer.It looked like I had knifed the guy in the thigh and crotchand severed several major arteries.
17:27Then it turns into a Stephen Seagall movie.I mean, this sounds like a better movie than the movie you were watching.I was paralyzed by embarrassment and began to shake and quietly cry.My God.My girlfriend stared incredulously, wordlessly,frozen for what felt like an eternity.Now this is, I'm sorry, friends ofthis person. This is where you've got to step up.
17:50Exactly. The lady friends, get in there,swoop in there, fucking solvethis situation. You got to pull aBilly Madison in that scenario andbe like, bleeding on yourboyfriend's the coolest. Andlike grab some of the blood and put it on yourlap. Oh, God, Almighty.
18:08Oh, well, if that's cool,consider me Miles Davis.I mean, this is like the fuckingfall of Saigon. Get out of there.Yes, exactly.Before those helicopters go.The other boys we start were with started laughing and screaming, which isshitty, but you know, it's eighth grade.
18:28You know, I don't know. It's tough. It's tough all over.Yeah, boys are terrible.They always have been. And poor John turned every shade of red and stammered withwhat is it, what do I do? What should I do?the usher came to see what the noise aboutquickly assessed the situationstarted laughingand ran back down the stairs
18:49and out of our livesfuck that guyyeah that dude should be firedyour dad should have come backthe next day and straighten that kid outoh man a lot of fingers in the chestoh yeah that dad would get to pokingI love a good poking
19:04finally a friend says guysit's 330 I bet our rides are hereoh maneveryonescattered while I watched Johnremove his long-sleeved t-shirtand hand it was the 90sand hand it to me
19:18what's this for I managed to asktie it around your waistyour butt is all bloodyI can't really hide thisand he's pointing themselves I imaginehe said motioning to thecarry prom massacre on thelower half of his body
19:33Bravo in this emailoh it's well writtenit's a well-written emailbeautiful I didn't evenattempt to use the restroomI knew the only thing fixing this for mewas a shower, a trash canfrom my clothes, and relocation to another
19:47country, God willing.We wordlessly walked through the lobby togetherwhere, of course, a day camphold on, where of course a day camp field tripwas filling up the afternoon screening of Airbud.Oh, damn you, Airbud!We heard a little kid scream,that guy is all bloody, look.
20:08Hey, are you okay?You know what?Those kids didn't care if he was okay.No.It was a sarcastic, hey, are you okay?Jesus, this is just getting worse and worse.What else can happen?Were they filming an episode of Wild and Crazy Kids?
20:25Is Donnie Jeff Code going to make an appearance in this email?Wild and Crazy Kids.Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wild and crazy kids.Wait, did I hear this right?They were filming Air Bud?No, they were going to see it.Oh, God.suddenly the eyes of about 60 kids and counselors
20:41and coordinating t-shirts and name tagswere upon us. I can't remember what else was saidbecause we booked it towards the exit. It did not stop sprintinguntil we were at the curb. I started sobbing againwhen I realized everyone else had been picked up and I had no ride.My friends had left me. Dude, these friends.Listen, the last letter writer was like BTWdon't have those friends anymore. Listen, ma'am,
21:03I certainly hope you do not have these fucking friends anymore.Or if you can call them that.John proved to be the very definition of a gentleman.He sat down on the curb next to me.He handed me a stick of gum and asked with a grin,so how did you like the movie?I laughed. I was terrified.He was going to embarrass me further.
21:22If that was somehow possible by asking me questions about my period.No, you're not going to do that.As if reading my mind, he said something along the lines of,I'm sorry about your, you know, in the theater.I was just shocked.and those guys are stupid. It's really no big deal, right? I have a sister. You'll feel better when you get home. It'll be okay. How did these two kids not get married? Seriously. Some 13-year-old boys are just nice people. Who knew? His mom drove us home, but she was done too happy. Well, yeah, because that's the problem. The evidence is everywhere that, you know, how did that get on there? You know, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you know, yep, yep. I'm sure that's what she was doing. Oh, yeah. Mrs. John knew what was going on.Because, you know, half of her is like, you know, the maternal thing of like, oh, this poor girl.So she needs a mother right now, but also the fuck you're doing it on my son's lap.
22:12You fucking tramp!You fucking trap, ma'am!Like, half her wants to throw maxi pads at her like Harry.Half her doesn't.It's a big, very, very, a lot of emotional detail in this story that I love.Totally.Who do?His mom drove us home.
22:28She's not too happy.And awkwardly dug a big blue plastic tarp out of her trunk and placed it across the back.seat. Wow. Just keeping tarps in the car, huh, lady? Oh, uh, the, uh, Louise Gacy driving toget home. Oh, I can take with a John's tarp. Well, yeah, it's John. You're right. Wow.John Wayne, why are you bringing this bloodied up girl in the, oh, my word. Uh, no.It wasn't the 1950s. Maybe John Wayne Gacy, young John Wayne Gacy's a time slider.That also could be.Or maybe it's a John Wayne Gacy Jr.
23:08situation, kind of like James Bond Jr.Oh, wow.Oh, dude, it's our little critters.Yes.It would be, oh, it would be the sequel to Litter Critters.Like when they did like older Rugrats, it would be like Critters Jr.Nice.Yep.
23:22Selling it.Now they're kissing.Kissing critters.Kissing critters.She put the tarp across the backseat for her to sit on.I think I blacked out from him, uh, embarrassing.She made him set up front with herWith her for some unknown reason
23:36And would not let him turn on the radioYou gotta putThat's time for some CCROh sureIt ain't meRun through the jungleWe made itWe rode home in silence
23:51And every time she made a sharp turnI would slide on the tarpAnd we'd make a crunchy crinkle noiseHow am I not?Sharp turns because she's getting her home quickHow am I not dead? Good questionThe teasing from my terrible friends didn't last too long.FYI did not get pelted with Maxie Pads later at school.
24:10And though John and I didn't have a lasting romance,I'll always remember his kindness in the most awkward moment of my life.If I had the courage to, also, I guess she's still friends with these people, huh?I guess so.Bullshit.Yeah, total bullshit.If I had the courage back then to submit this to Tramorama on the back page of 17 magazine,I'm sure I'd be the reigning undisputed queen.
24:31Ask your wives or maybe don'tThanks for all the laughsAnd free therapyMelissaHoly fuckNo no commentSo I'll tell you whatHere's my comment
24:42This whole time I've been listeningTo read this taleI've been making likeThe 1990s set short filmIn my headOh yeah that's a good movieAnd here's the finalHere's the final shot of it
24:54Kind of stealing from the graduateBut stay with meIt's three people in this fuckingserial killer's minivanThis poor girl's on thetarp like he goes to turn on the radio it's your ccr song for two seconds fortunate sonplays mrs wayne gasey's like no music and turns it off and they're just driving and then becauseit's the 90s they're sitting there in silence for a little bit rocking in the minivan as they drive
25:17their ford wind star and you just hear somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me andfucking smash mouth takes you to credits but that that has all of it's not even a uh uh uh uh uhshort film, it's kind of just like afreaks and geeks episode, right?It's got all, like, the emotionallonging. Yes, like, yeah.It's got the right period details.Mm-hmm. We need to...
25:43Wait, of like the time.Well, no, I mean, the freaks and geeksfrom the 70s or whatever, but I'm saying, like,it's like a 1990s set freaks and geek.Do you just understand that you said perioddetails? Oh, oh.I didn't... I wasn't thinking there.Yes, I said period details.
25:59We should be hired to make freaks and geeks set in the 90s.Oh, yeah.Oh, yep.And then one episode, someone could be watching freaks and geeks.Oh, shit.Think about it.And we could be, like, you know, like, funny with and be like, this show is going to last forever.I can't wait to see what they do next season.
26:23All right.Final letter here to take us home.This is Muppets in Passion of the Christ.Dear W.H.M. Like some of you, I worked at a multiplex in my younger years, primarily cleaning theaters.That was me and Chris Cabin. Chris was primarily cleaning theaters, and I was primarily a projectionist.It was good, honest work and lots of exercise, and if I won the lottery, I'd probably clean theaters 16 to 24 hours a week just for something to do.When the Passion of the Christ came out, it was very big for our theater.We played it on five of our ten screens opening weekend. My goodness.
26:58I spent a lot of time looking at the credits waiting for people,many of whom were overcome with emotion,waiting for them to get the hell out so I could start sweeping.Eventually, I noticed that there was someone in the productionwho was credited as Muppeteer.I was very amused by this and pointed it out to as many strangers as possible.I didn't see the movie for some years, and when I did, I kept my eyes peeled.But I didn't notice any Muppets.
27:26You all know quite a lot about movies.So I ask you, where are the Muppets and the Passion of the Christ?Where are they?IMDB backs me up on the accredited Muppeteer whose name is Philip Farah.Thanks for everything.Also, Eric, I know you have stairs in your house.John in Baltimore.What is this stair comment about?
27:45I don't know.Just so you know, John, I currently do not have stairs in this.You are currently without stairs.In the past, I have had stairs.Someone is trying to use context,to get your exact addressand you just gave themyou just dropped a big fat domino
28:02it's like guess whoyeah he tricked youdo you have stairs in your housetick tick tick tick tick tick tickyepyep starting to add upjust like a bunch of circleson a map like all right no
28:16I wouldI would wager the Muppet thingis like you're fuckingyou're dead people on the crossmaking a movebut why would you call it a Muppeta Muppet's a very specific thingright I think if you're
28:27I mean, if you're hiring outHenson Workshop people, that's a Muppet, dude.Bloody Jesus or a fucking frog,it's a Muppet.Yay, Jesus is dead.I would love.I mean, you ever watch those veggie tales thingswhere it's all like,
28:41not especially, but I know what you're talking about.Christian cartoons.Yeah, it's something else.The Muppets should do like the passion.Like maybe it's not, who should play.I mean, it's got to be Kermit, right?Kermit's got to be Jesus.Yeah, right.
28:55Fosier's Pontius Pilate.Fossey is Ponce's pilot, eh?Yeah, I mean...Or maybe Fonzie's like Fossey, I mean, geez.Once Kermit's whipped and put to death,you know, Fossey Bear could be like,Waka, that's a tough act to follow.Like he has to do his show or something.
29:18The Devil, played by Gonzo, probably.Yeah, because he's the most devious, sure.Oh, right.Or maybe a member of the crowd putting him the...You know what I'm saying?the Malt Gibson angle.Stop whipping my Kermie.Wait, so who's she?
29:33Mary Magdalene?Well, that's the toss-up.There's only two ladies she can be.It's either Mary Magdalenebecause they're kind of boyfriend, girlfriend.Right.Or she's Mary Mother of Jesus.Well, that's not going to fly.
29:44Because everybody knows the pig and the frog are fucking.The other question is, who are the humans?You get Will Farrell in there as, I don't know, somebody, right?Now, that's a Pontius Piled if I ever said.Yeah, oh, yeah.And maybe, what would snuffle up against?JudasSure
30:00Is Judas in the passion?Of course he would have to beOh he's the traitorNo he's not in the passionI guess it's postNo I think they show himHang himselfOh man a Muppet hanging from a tree
30:10I like this movie alreadySnuffle up against he's breaking the treeThat was a quick oneI lied there's one moreThere's one more letter hereDoes anyone else want to read itOr I'll just get to it real quickGo for it buddy
30:24All rightOh because this is I mean it's technicallya Christmas episode of the mailbag.Sort of. Here's a holiday related one,sort of. Green is a Christmas color, right?Sure.The subject line. Hey guys, this may be a little late,but in your James Bond Jr. episode of animation damnation,
30:41you briefly proposed the idea that Dr. Noe got his green skinfrom that weird drink he made.From my own unique personal experience,I can tell you that this is in fact all too possible.I went through a year or two phasewhen I became a pretty hardcore gym rat.Yeah, me too.Really?
30:59No, no.I worked out every day and read the fitness and nutrition blogs.One day, I read an article about how a chemical and spinach has been found to act like a steroid, but without negative side effects.The article concluded that while spinach is good for you, unless you have access to a lab that can extract this chemical in order to gain any benefits, the average-sized male adult would have to eat a full kilogram of spinach a day.I read this asI guess I have to eat over a kilogramof spinach a day. After convertingfrom metric to Imperial, I rounded up to
31:33an even three pounds to be on thesafe side. Jesus is somePapa shit.Oh man, Popeye shitsmust have stunk like...Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus.Seafood all the time.Seafood and spinach.
31:47That's a splatterball.Wow.Wow.Oh, olive oil. Better get the plunger.Wimpy banging on the door.Are you finished yet? I'll gladly trade you toilet time on Tuesday for toilet time now. I got to take a grade A meat shit.I mean, that's a problem. That's strong. Oh, man. And then you get bluto eating God knows what deer every day, I guess.And olive oil drinking olive oil? Why are all these characters sharing one toilet, by the way?
32:25They all live in the samesea shanty.This is like, oh,Wimpy's got the meat farts.Save me.Save me.Andrew, this is just life in the Navy, man.Exactly.
32:41After two or three days,I found that eating three pounds of spinachwas taking up too much timeand that my jaw was hurtingfrom all the additional chewingI was now doing every day.As a result, I purchased a blenderand started to,
32:55drinking my daily three poundsof spinach. I'll be honest,this tasted even grosser than you are currentlythinking. Yikes.I like spinach, butnot that much. There are limits.Well, I'm sure it canbe argued that any gains I achieved
33:11over the next three orfour monthswere from a placebo effect.I'm fairly confident I can say theincreasingly green tintmy skin was showing was not.For a good long while, itwasn't really all that noticeable, and I was able to doubt that it was happening at all.
33:30Then, a heat wave hit, and my AC broke, and I could no longer deny that any areas that havesweat issues, such as the armpits and feet, but mostly the crotch, were undoubtedly, objectively,kind of green.Oh, mistletoe alert.Get under it.Get under it, olive oil.Oh, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, what do you say?Get under it, your back, oh, well.
34:05Good blue, though.After seeing a doctor and having him laugh at me,I immediately put an end to my daily three pounds of spinachand my skin cleared up in two or three weeks.That's kind of, you know what?It must have been like the guy, a green guy comes and it's like,oh, my God, it's like a doctor house thing.And then, like, he asks, you know, you know, sexual stuff, blah, blah, blah, drugs.
34:28And he's like, what's your diet?Like, well, I do eat three pounds of spinach a day.And it's like when Homer's got his hands in the two vending machines.Homer, you're just holding on to it?And all those firemen and are laughing at it.Like, that's what that is.It's, yeah, oh, man, this is humiliating.If I'm being honest, part of me wonders just how green I would have gotten if I really stuck with it.
34:53Three or four months.I don't know how much you might just die, right?Well, this is the question. Are you, Aaron, subsisting solely on three pounds of spinach a day?Probably not, right?Yeah, so he's eating other things on top of the other things for protein.You're probably, if you're going to look at you, right?Lord, Lord Almighty.Got to get that grilled chicken.
35:12Oh, man, it'd be great if Magneto showed up.And it was like, you've got too much iron in your blood.Oh, and sucked it right out the pores.Oh, Jesus.Right out the crotch.I noticed your green crying.as Magneto.But as Elijah Wood once said,
35:31and he's referencing the film The Good Son,I guess I'll always wonder,but I know I'll never ask.Merry Christmas, Aaron.Merry Christmas to you indeed, Aaron.That's something.You know the only thing I can sort of compare this to?A couple weeks back, I had a cold,
35:45and I was like, we had like the show coming uplike the next week, and I'm like,I'm going to blast this fucking cold right out of me.And I was just going to town with vitamin C stuff.You know what that does?It gets you real shaky.It was like I had way too much coffee.I was like a hummingbird.
36:02I'm just going around the office.I couldn't concentrate on anything.You're also in the can a lot.Speaking of Popeye's toilet.So what color?What color did it turn?My skin?Nothing.
36:13I will say.What about your crotch?That stayed about the same, as far as I could tell.A body morphing thing.My brother, Mark, who's on the...Pokemon.Pokemon and Draynard episode, yeahI'll shame him
36:27In his teensYou had contactsAnd really didn't take care of himAnd by that I meanHe would sleep with him onOh, that's a big no-noHe wouldn't take them outLike he would put them
36:35They would be in for days and weeksAnd likeYou knowAnd one morningHe's like tried to open his eyeAnd he couldn'tAnd like the contactWas like had popped out
36:47He had a cat eyeLike it wasI saw itI rememberIt's the freakiest thingI've ever seenLike, his eye was just this weird slit, and it was this big red puffy thing.And I'm like, oh, that's disgusting.
37:01The optometrist said, or ophthalmologist probably, said that if he kept it in one more day, he would have lost his eye.Oh, my God.Lesson for the day, folks.Not that much spinach and take out those contacts.Clean them up.Yeah, your body is a temple.Remember that out thereAnd listen land
37:24Let's go get some Burger KingNoWe can'tWe triedWe could tell that a quick storyOh yeahWe were on the road back from D.CAnd we were like
37:36We're gonna reward ourselvesWe had two good showsWe're gonna have a frozen surge of Burger KingWe had all these peopleTweeting us pictures of itAnd we're likeOh my GodI want to make me thirsty
37:47I want to try itWe go to the first Burger Kingpulling off the highway entirely, by the way.This is the search for Burger King.This is how bad this is.And Christopher Lloyd is running a foul of everybody in this one.We get to the first Burger King.Huge sign on like the Milar menu that just says closed for business.
38:10Thank you.Drive like another few miles down the road.We get to this ghost town Burger King.You know, like a mine had closed in this town.And the only thing left was the Burger King.we go in we're like here we go cold icy surge in like slurpy form gonna get some buffalo chicken fries well yeah a couple of fat guys are not gonna not get food i'm not just going into a burger king for a beverage no so we order all this food and each of us gets a frozen surge and only after the transactions are complete does this manager turn around and say hey guys my slurpy machines busted oh now we're justjust eating chicken fries.Yes, so this guy had only hot surge in the bag.
38:56Boiling hot.Piping hot, man.That's irony for you.That's the devil's irony.So to this day, the cast of We Hate Movies still zero for zero.Or I guess, oh for two.We've tried.O for two on Frozen Surge.
39:11Dare I say, I don't think any of us, I can speak for myself, I guess.Haven't had surge since it got brought back.I haven't.I haven't either.And you know what?Like, let's just fucking.put it in a can go to a bodega likea normal person. Exactly. You can't get a fucking can of
39:24Surge with my sandwich. Not this fucking ordersoda off of Amazon horseshit.No, I don't need it. Come on.I got three bodegas right across the street.I can be swimming in Surge.Nope. You got to wait for that trickle-downeconomics.That is the
39:40W.HM Mailbag for December, gang.We will be back after thenew year with your letters and yourweird stories and your questions for us,which we swear, allanonymous. We're all above board here at We Hate Movies, right into the mailbag. We All Hate Movies at gmail.com.Until next time, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Seda. Eric Sisker. Take it easy.
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