We Hate Movies - S6: WHM Mail Bag: Unruly Audiences, Projection Mishaps, and Straight Up Messing Yourself

Episode Date: January 21, 2016

On this month's Mail Bag, the gang reads letters from folks who want to become professional wrestlers, had their Hateful Eight audience lose its cool, frequented a multiplex with wretched projection, and even, oh boy, shit their pants at the movies! If you want your questions answered on the air, or have some strange tales you want to tell--or just need to work through some trauma from your past--write in to the mail bag: [e-mail]!Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Let's get ready to rumble. Fumble? How is it not a movie called Let's Get Ready to Fumble? A football boxing movie. Oh, yeah. I was thinking of the scrap. What if you got to play football but you punch people? I was thinking more of like a necessary roughness, football scrappy losers comedy.

I mean, both are. Listen, both are great. Let's make them both. Welcome to W.H.M. Mailbag, everybody. This is the first mailbag of 2016. We got your letters here. We're going to read them. So answer some questions.

Tell some stories as is. the tradition here on WHM mailbag. Steve Sadek, kick us off with the first one. Andrew arrogantly challenged all the listeners on the Russell Madness episode to dare them to say, why would you ever want to be a pro wrestler? But somebody wrote back that they would want to be a pro wrestle. I legitimately was curious. I know.

And there was no jerk, you know, jerking meant to it. Jerking. I'll just keep drinking. You read the email. Hey, guys. I love your show. You guys are much better to listen to the DJs on the class. classic rock station who keep ranting about political correctness to the station. You know, here's a tip in general. Don't listen to classic rock radio.

I mean, it's unfortunate in New York, the best we got is the Q. We got no Q104-3. I'm writing you guys because you wanted to hear from people who wanted to be pro-wrestlers. I have thought about how to describe it as best I can, but I don't think I can do it without sounding like a new age. guru talking about how we all are one with nature. Well, give it your best shot, pal. I loved

watching it since I was in the fourth grade and always wanted to be a part of it. I want to say it's no different than anyone that's wanted to be an actor, a comedian, or a musician. There is no better feeling in the world than seeing a match between some of the best wrestlers in the world and for 15 minutes, forgetting

pro wrestling is fake. I finally took the plunge around my 27th birthday. I was on unemployment at the time. Hey, me too. and felt miserable because I had nothing going on in my life. Hey, me too. Other than sitting in front of the computer all day. Sounds like Steve's going to be a wrestling.

Oh, man, the littlest wrestler. Get ready for it. Can I just say, by the way, he enjoys watching 15-minute wrestling matches? What wrestling are you watching? That's my biggest problem with today's wrestling. I checked back, what was it me and you watched? Was it last year's Rasselmania? Yeah, I think it was.

We're talking like 25 minutes these matches. Come on, man. Most of it's everybody laying on the ground, reaching for the ladder or something. Reaching for the ladder. To heaven. So I found a place really close to me that was run by Joseph von Schmidt. Sure. Sounds fake, but that's fine.

If you asked what his character is, he would tell you it's a combination of Darth Vader and M. Bison. Ooh, I like that. So, like, Raul Julia meets James Earl Jones? I like the idea. Yeah. You ever think they had dinner? I bet. Right?

Let's talk about acting! Yeah. I bet they did. You know, I was up for the role of Gomez Adams one time. Hollywood's just not that progressive in 1993. It was a thing where it was going to be me and Felicia Rashad. And she dropped out. And I said, no Felicia, no Vader.

I like the idea of. James Arnold Jones referring to himself in the third person as Vader. 100%. That's how he answers his personal line. You got Vader. Make it quick. You have Vader here. Everyone else would say his character was a Nazi. He was a very good guy and a great teacher

whenever I messed up or made a move in the ring. He got mad at me. He always told me to not be so hard about myself to be hard on myself because I was just starting out and not in the level of someone like Triple H. Triple H is great. I stopped a few months ago because I'd gotten a job at the post office and eventually hit a point where I no longer had the energy to continue training and work.

I'll tell you what, job at the post office. There's your wrestling character. Oh, man, the postman. Yeah, I like it. Did we ever have that in WWF? No, not really. They also got cute shorts. Yeah, you already got the shorts.

Like, you know, like the mailbag is something you could do to somebody. My God, he's reaching for the mailbag. You know? And so on. Oh, he's going postal. Going postal. Oh, shit, he's got him in Columbus Day. No letters are being delivered tonight.

You know, something like that. Oh, of course, they aren't, you fool. But I hope to get back to it soon, since I've been feeling that spark again and that I thought 10 hours of delivering mail all day had be put out. So he's getting back into it. Right.

I hope this answers your question. Like I said, there's still more, sorry. But I hope to answer your question. Like I said, something I don't think I can quite explain to someone who doesn't feel the same way. You just see a ring, wrestlers, performing, and you think, I need to be in there.

Love the show and hope you guys have a great 2016. Love C. Thank you, see. You know, honestly, that's a really nice thing. Yeah, thanks for answering it honestly, you know. And it was, it's interesting to have that slice of life. And by the way, congrats on the job at the post office. Seriously, that's a real good gig. It's a nice, nice pensiony deal.

And it's a great, you know, like, we need mail. We need deliveries, man. And most importantly, I would like to state that Steve is an asshole. Because I legitimately wanted to know, and someone legitimately answered. And I get what he's saying, though, because the thing about it is, like, I think, like, you know, you think about, like, putting that candle out, right? Yeah, sure. For us, it's like, how about just try not doing comedy, right? And you can't, it's hard to, like, program your brain.

So I totally get what C's saying. Absolutely. I just, I've always been curious if there was a moment where you just. saw like the ram jump off the top turn buckle and you were like buck and there it is. I knew a dude in high school who did all of it. He did the backyard stuff. He went to Japan for a bit. He does stuff now. He's like a real deal amateur wrestler. I'm not going to out him because whatever, but like he's a... Don't out him. No, but I mean like he's an amateur child pornographer. No, no, but I don't know if he wants the whatever, you know. No, you're right. It's a stage name. You don't want to say his real name. But like it's like, you know, he's a

a really well-known amateur wrestler. He had like a tattoo. Some dude got a tattoo of this guy's wrestling character on him. Get the fucking out of here. Wow, this guy's, you know... We have yet to have W.HM tattoos mailed in. Yeah, I would feel like... Hey, let me tell you, we all hate movies at gmail.com.

If you're thinking about getting it, a couple of ideas, the image from our DC poster, if you picked that up, possibly the WHM Mount Rushmore, get all them ugly fuckers tattooed on your back. Absolutely. Just listen, just some ideas. Just throwing it out there, just seeing what sticks. Or our stage names. Thank God no one knows our real names. Oh, no, yeah, we're all fake. All right, here we go. What's the next letter?

Hootin and hollering during the hateful eight. Oh, Jesus. Hey, gang, I saw The Hateful Eight recently at a 2 p.m. matinee. As I walked in and I observed that the theater was about a third full, mostly of old folks and 20-somethings with nothing better to do on a weekday. about 15 minutes into the movie Jennifer Jason Lee bounce off with howdy N-word.

Yeah, should I say that? Should I say the N-word? No, you're not Quentin Tarantino. But I'm quoting the beloved Quentin Tarantino line. I think we're good. You know what? I think everybody at home is caught up.

No one's in Confederate dress. I think it's harder to swallow when you're not looking at somebody in Confederate dress. I always dress in Confederate undies. Oh, meundice.com. Confederate style. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What.com? Meundies. We're not doing an ad for them. No, I know. Can you make custom underwear? Well, they're a very, they, they, they, you just went to reach into your pocket. I thought you were about to show me your underwear right now. No, no, no, no. They were, they're a big podcast sponsor.

Oh, I see. Well, they didn't sponsor this show. Right, no, they did not. Whatever, let's just keep reading. By the way, I was going to say Confederate underwear, that's the only thing fit for That flag is skid marks. Excellent. Wow, bravo.

The theater erupted in laughter about the beloved line. There was one guy whose laughter was a little too raucous. You'll get that in a quitting screening. Oh, man, will you get that? Like racist old guy raucous. I quickly realized that this was not a racist old man, but instead a 20-something who could not contain his enthusiasm for the movie. Wow.

Steve, were you there? That was not there. Oh, you're right, you're a 30-something now. Probably because he had enjoyed a few tall glasses of water in the parking lot beforehand. I mean, allegedly. Allegedly, we don't know. This gentleman and his friends were quite vocal throughout the movie, often piping up with, oh, shit.

Oh, wow, that sucks. foreshadowing moments and oh my god and what the hell and like at the shocking parts not to mention loud and boisterous belly laughs throughout now because i had also enjoyed a few glasses of water in the parking lot before and we've smoking up with these guys they were in the same car it's also two o'clock in the afternoon what's going on on a weekday oh dude listen you know what sometimes you just take a day off of work. Or I smell my unemployed brethren just live in it. I'm not... Listen, I'm

in a position to judge. No, it's certainly not. Their rowdy behaviors only enhanced the movie for me. Okay. I find myself laughing and vocalizing louder than I normally would have at movies. I'm sure the older folks at the screening were not impressed by the hooting and

hollering going on, but for me it made the theater experience fun and a violent Tarantino movie even better. my question to the WHM crew is this when is it okay to vocalize a public theaters and when does it make you an asshole love the show keep up the good

great question actually it is a great question thank you Andy that is a good question I would say like you're doing a midnight show or like something that's like build as to be fun to react to yeah I'll tell you here's when you're an asshole in a Quentin Tarantino movie

like sorry No. Yeah. You know, no way. Not during that movie. He enjoyed it more than he would have because of it. But he doesn't know that. He said that.

He said that he enjoyed it. Unless he saw it twice and the other time it was dead silent in the theater, he doesn't know that. And the other thing is the other people in the audience clearly didn't enjoy it as much because people are hooting and hollering. The theater has to be either 100% in the red or nothing. Yeah, I agree. You got to feel the audience. You got to feel the room. Like, yeah, to Eric's point, like a.

midnight movie. Or like a big cult movie. Like, oh, we're seeing the Big Lobaskin for the 50th time. Exactly. You're going to go. You're not expected to hear every line of dialogue. A brand new Quentin Tarantino movie, probably not a good idea. Also, like, hootin and hollering at the N-word. Even at my screening, the road show screening in Villagest, people were laughing a little too hard at Jennifer. Jason Lee? Jennifer, Jason Lee. I don't want to say Jennifer Tilly for some reason. She's certainly not in that movie. Jennifer Jason Lee getting punched in the face and that kind of stuff. and it's like, yeah, it's not the movie I want to watch.

Yeah. I mean, I, you know, I kind of had the best possible way to see that movie. It sounds like from everyone else that I've heard who went to see it. I had a good experience. Did you, I mean, it was dead silence. That's awesome. Like the first showing of the day, like 11 a.m. It's what you want.

They don't get any assholes that are like who, like elbowing each other hard through it. Yeah. Like, I went to the exhibitor screening and those are always like kind of just totally dead. And it was like, it was me and six other people in a screening. room above Robert De Niro's restaurant downtown and it was like it was awesome it was a big screening room and is that by the good coats or are they further back oh it was up the stairs man dude let me tell you walk into Robert De Niro's restaurant this is ridiculous I'm like I think I have no booze I'm making that up or is that no it's the Tribeca grill okay and he I thought it was a

coat situation man because I'm like I got the address right but this is clearly a restaurant yeah and I walk in I'd never been to the screening room before and I'm like where is it and there's like the kitchen and I'm like what is going on and there's this tiny sign it may as well have been handwritten that just says screening room with an arrow up the stairs and I'm like uh-huh and then you get up the stairs and it's there's like kitchen and there's waitstaff everywhere and like one little door and it was like a movie theater it was so weird but it was like dead quiet I feel like that's where you need to watch this movie have you ever been to the weird bizarro screening room in the back of the planet Hollywood in Times Square no I don't even know if that

might be gone by now i've never been uh w hm legend chris cabin brought me there we both saw i think it was southland tales oh like a press screening of it there and that was bizarre because you're walking through you know old hollywood oh to go watch southland tales and chicken wings and tenders that's weird but yeah i do think that you do need to to answer you do just need to smell the room know what the the release is like yeah to Eric's point, if it, if it is a midnight movie, or maybe a horror movie, you could be a little more boisterous, have a little more fun. Depends on the title, but yes, I totally agree with that. Or like a comedy. Like when we all, I mean, we all saw it separately, but Borat, for instance, was like a phenomenon in this movie. Everything was going ape shit. You're, you're calling back

and whatever. And that's what it is. You just, I feel like you know what's going on. And if you're in a, if you're in a Saturday screening with a, or a weekday screening with a bunch of old people that aren't enjoying it, you gotta seed the room to them. Yeah. Cabin and I had the best bore at, by the way. We went and saw it at Bam and Brooklyn. I don't want to hear it. What?

No, no, no, no. No, but very nice. Very nice, indeed. No, we saw it at Bam in Brooklyn, and the row in front of us was Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams. Oh, nice. Heath Ledger, I'll never forget it. He was, one, he bought, like, tons of snacks for all his friends, and they were like, no, and he was like,

yeah, no, no, I got it. I'm Heath Ledger. He, like, bought everything. And then during the movie, hooting and hollering. The two of them laughing their ass on. Kick them out of the theater. All right. So here we go. The next one. The theater of 1,000 projectionist errors.

Ooh, that sounds bad. Hello, W.HM crew. I've been a regular listener for a few years now and owe you a number of life debts for all the times your podcast has kept me awake on my long drives to and from work. We'll be cashing those in shortly. Don't worry about it. I wanted to tell you about theater where I experience I wanted to tell you about a theater where I experienced a number of problems

during movie viewing. Oh, was it the Regal Kaufman Astoria? God, fuck that theater. And a strange one that maybe Andrew can shed some light on. Growing up in rural Wisconsin, my friends and I had one seven-screen cinema that we frequented

as we had no other options for theaters within a reasonable distance. In late 2003, a new theater opened in a city that was roughly the same distance as a usual stomping grounds. naturally we decided to try it out as we had not experienced stadium seating in a movie theater before

we quickly fell in love and it soon replaced the older stickier floored theater as our movie going place of choice however I began to experience a string of problems that I don't know if I can even chalk up to coincidence or not it started with Hellboy where I swear the movie was out of focus the entire duration of the film entirely possible

my friends it's not to get a little tutorial to tell you that much I can keep a movie in focus Oh yeah he can focus a camera it's very easy to keep a projector out of focus. My friends didn't know what I was talking about, but I kept checking my glasses every 20 minutes or so thinking that if they weren't seeing it it had to be me. I left the theater with a headache

hoping I hadn't suffered a mild stroke seeing as how my friends denied noticing the blur. Another film I can't remember ran with a black screen for the first five minutes before something finally fixed it. Another totally common problem. Or maybe that was imaginary

as well. Maybe this is like my mind is going. My mind is a movie theater Harry Potter and the prisoner of Asgaband Stopped Dead 30 minutes in opening weekend And I was certain I was going to see my first public lynching Let's get ready to fumble everybody Still the manager announced

Everyone was going to get a free movie pass Yeah I've been there At that point I was fed up and wanted to go back to our old theater But friends and family alike Wow friends and family alike Telling this dude to go fuck himself Said I was overreacting and that they can't screw up.

We like that stadium seating. Oh, my God. They have hot dog nuggets, you idiot. You're not my son. So, using my free movie pass, my friends and I saw the late showing of Dodgeball the next week where the strangest thing happened.

Was it a ghost? Yeah, the ghost of Rip Torn's a character in that movie. he's amazingly still a lot I thought it was odd that there seemed to be no music during the opening credits but didn't give it a second thought then during the training montage

ripped torn press play on a boom box and no music played the actors just proceeded to finish the montage with no soundtrack just ripped torn shouting obscenities my friends and I looked at each other agreeing something was off it soon became obvious to everyone else

in the theater that there were stretches of silence where music should be making dodgeball the most eerie film I've ever seen in a movie. Again, back when you were running 35, it's a common problem, sound channels, it depends upon your sound system.

It's a thing that can totally happen. I do love the idea of seeing the movie dodgeball with the steely confidence of no country for old men. You know what I mean? Like, wow, this movie's really headshore. And like, oh, it's really making me uncomfortable. Where's the music?

This movie doesn't need music to make me feel things. It's just dialogue. It'd be great if, like, even the bouncing of the balls were silent. Judging by the lingering crowd in the lobby After the movie, a number of people were looking to get a refund or a free pass Turns out the manager had left for the night. What the fuck?

Leaving a wide-eyed 16-year-old working the snack counter to take the heat from all the pissed off people. No, I'll tell you what was going on. That manager was hiding in the back. Hi-tailing it. We stopped going to that theater, and I still wonder about how the movie could have played with dialogue but no music. I know you've talked about your terrible theater. experiences before but what are the oddest ones you've had more in line with what happened to me

keep up the great work you guys taylor that stuff happens all the time i mean it was more prevalent when you were running 35 millimeter and there was like you know it's a whole slew of things that could have you know just press it a computer file essentially so so the death of film is good says i i will say the worst theater in new york city is the angelica um okay that's it's a bold claim but okay if you go downstairs you're sitting right above a subway and that thing will rattle every so often so if you're trying to get there's one theater where it doesn't happen though and i want to tell you this because you and i talk about it all the time because when i went to see shy rack listen i also hate going to angelica yeah it's it's not fun when i saw shy rack there if you go down

the escalator and take a right that back corner theater the little tiny one it's like theater six or something no one outside of the city is not above the f train it's not no no And there's no, there's no trains. Yeah. So that's it. But the other part, the other thing about it is there is no stadium seating. There's no dip whatsoever. You're just kind of sitting.

You know what? The thing is like, everyone loves stadium seating, but like I just moved and the new theater by me doesn't have stadium seating. It's a new, it's a new theater or new to you? New to me. Yeah, new to me. And I'm kind of digging it. Really? Digging the non-stadium.

I like non-stadium, man. Give me that slant. I'm a short gentleman. And I need a little bit of a. dip here, man. And the funny thing is I realized that I needed glasses by being at Angelica. Yep. Andrew and I went to a screening

of the lives of others. Great movie. And almost nobody was there. I think it was right after it won the award. It was probably before it won the award, actually, for best foreign film. Oh, it must have been. I see all the movies before the Oscars. And it's a foreign language movie's German movie and it's got subtitles and we

get seats all the way in the back because it's the Angelica and that's a good idea. And I kind of movie, by the way. It is a super great movie. And I can't read the subtitles. So I kind of like, I'm doing the better, worse to myself by going row to row because no one's there. By the end of it, I was like right up front. Like, aha.

Got it. That was an instance of me being a real jerk because you were like, I can't read the subtitles. Do you want to move closer? And I was like, nah, you got it. When I saw Castaway, the fire alarms started going. off and like it was during the scene where the FedEx plane is crashing. Oh, so I was like, oh my God, the sound is amazing. It's amazing.

Zemecas, how'd you do it? Wait, I have to leave? Wow, Zemeckis, how'd you make me leave this theater? Yeah, so I thought, and it was kind of a bummer because then I'm like, oh, geez, I got to go watch the first half of fucking castaway again. Yeah, yeah, that's tough. Actually, so this, what this person, this Taylor was asking, I think I, I had to one. It wasn't a public screening, but

we were running down the print of signs, the Sharmelon movie. And we're watching the movie like after hours, big crowd of friends in the theater and everything. And it's right after the video

footage of the kid's birthday party. Oh, that part's terrifying. Yes. When the alien runs past the alleyway, immediately after the alien is out of frame, that huge brown out happened and the theater lost power and the emergency floodlights came on and then a real alien walks on. Dude, we were all shitting our rompers.

It was so amazing. Everybody was like, what the fuck's going on? It was the best timing for anything like that ever. It was really cool. Awesome. So we got another one here. Oh, yeah. Steve Sadek. What do we got here?

This is, when a movie ruined my relationship. Uh-oh. Hey, gang. Let me just start by. gushing and sing and enjoy the podcast something something we don't believe you first of all I wanted to buy a poster I wanted to share with you the story of when a movie ruined my relationship

a relationship I was in I was a sophomore in high school and a pretty awkward nerd join the club I was sitting in band class yep when a junior girl slipped me a note and ran off I opened up in the flowery girly writing I said would you go out with me I think you're very cool fake story that is pretty cool Fake story, by the way.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm sorry it was very touching. No, it is touching. We, no one dated in high school, right? No, we started dating and it was great. Suddenly, I was the cool guy among my friends for dating an older girl, especially because she could drive and I wasn't even old enough to get my learners' permit.

Was she a teacher? SVU. I just watched that one. That one's terrible. Yeah. And we had a lot of fun in that awkward high schooler way. We were eight months into the relationship when disaster struck. I was over in her house and our whole family decided to watch a movie together.

The movie was The Master of Disguise. Oh. Which, if you don't know, is that Dana Carvey starring vehicle. It's like 76 minutes long. It's like Happy Madison movie. Him doing like impressions and shit, right? Yeah, for a half hour. Like, this is me as Scarface.

Now I'm a turtle man. Yeah. It's like a feature length Saturday Night Live audition tape. after you'd been on Sirent Live for 20 years. Yeah. I don't need to tell you how funny that movie is, but you can't imagine how awkward it was sitting through it. That movie is nearly unwatchable.

Yeah, you know what? I think we could add this to it. It's never going to be an episode. Oh, really? I'm never going to watch it all the way through. I saw it. I've never seen it. I was drunk as hell in my living room.

Yeah, by that makes sense. So far, the story checks out. And it was just like, and I kept looking at him, you know, being like can we stop watching this I know we're all having a good time but can we stop and it just kept happening it just kept going um

how funny that movie is like how awkward to sit and do it her parents laughed at everything mighty mighty gufals even at the dumbest jokes I sat there stone-faced unable to muster a polite chuckle at the end of the movie

they asked how I liked it and I lied and I said it was pretty good when I went there to the next week and her parents were watching the movie again. I think these people are aliens. The silent majority, everyone. My girlfriend, I'll make America great again. My girlfriend and I went downstairs to hang out on her futon and started.

Fuck yeah. And I started joking about how bad. And I started joking about how bad the master of disguise was. There was a lot of R-related language in my rant words I had been careful not to use around her parents. Oh no, the intercom was. I went upstairs to grab some of the drink later and was met by her father. Oh, no, the intercom was on. I heard that you said.

You don't like the movie. I just froze there. And I don't allow cursing in my house. I think you need to go home. Wow. My girlfriend ended up driving me home and it was the most awkward silence ever. I didn't even get a good night kiss. My parents just asked what was up and I said,

I don't even know A few days later She called me That we needed to break up So she could focus on getting into a good college What? What? What, clown college?

Fucking impression college I didn't see over the rest of the summer And when school started in the fall She avoided me I can't prove it But I think my master of disguise rant Ended the relationship I could prove it

I just read your email And dude is all there He was so loud that they heard or was... I guess he was getting a little overzealous in his... I think, yeah, he used to it a bit. You know, you get to do a bit, man.

You get wrapped up. You're trying to talk up a pretty lady. Yeah. And he starts screaming. Especially because his rant was filled with your fucking idiot parents. I guess I kind of dodged a bullet, though, since that was a really terrible movie.

Hope you enjoyed my story. I love the podcast. Can't wait to see what 2016 has in store, John. Oh, thank you, John. Oh, my God. You did dodge a bullet there. I mean, you know, that's... is tough though like um and chris cabin was always really bad at this um yeah yeah he will fight

people on movies when it's not time to fight people on a movie like when you go home for thanksgiving and your mom's like oh i really like the terminal what you do is you say oh yeah i didn't see it or oh i thought it was fun yeah and you leave it alone chris cabin will fight an old lady tooth and nail on a fucking sacker and stephen spilberg movie like oh no no no you're wrong. It's stupid and you're stupid. It's like, dude, when did this happen? He would always tell these stories like, I went home and I got to a fight

with somebody's grandmother about whatever movie. And it's like you've got to just back it up a bit. For example. Oh, good. You got one. For example. There we go. One night, we found ourselves at my parents' house. It was me, my wife,

other assorted relatives. Sure, sure. Sure. One relative. to we're really enjoying a spoof movie try to keep it as vague as possible I don't think my family listens but you never know and I don't want to deal with that

but two members of my family were laughing tits at this movie sure and the rest of us just sat there stone cold just let the movie play let the laughter flow they left and we launched into it

how it was so unbelievable that you could find this movie funny but it was after they had left the property you know what I mean? I'm not punching old ladies in the face yet Chris Cabin will drag a veteran to the ground yelling about movies I lived with Chris Cabin for a number of years

he dragged you to the ground quite a bit yeah we would talk long and hard into the night about cinema well here's the difference though and I you know it's interesting because we would get together a purchase and, like, you know, gather in our apartments. You want to rag with your buddies? That's cool. Just getting into fights.

Just fucking movie fights, bro. Oh, dude, the movie fights between all the, like, all our, like, the friends in our program and people, like, that we lived with and whatnot, like, just getting in and really just yelling and fucking fighting. You can't do that with people outside the circle. You know what I mean? Because this person's like,

well, I did like the master of this guy. What is why you're a fucking moron. Exactly. And the R-rated. Grants, by the way. Yeah. Not a good idea. You got to keep it in check. Our ratings are for podcast language. And with your buddies in a bar.

Yeah. All right. Eric Siska, you got another one. You want the Rudolph one? Yeah, it's really cool. All right. I didn't read. I'm just making sure it's good. It's good. And the next email. Rudolph, a shiny new year awakens. Oh, shit.

So I was listening to your latest animation damnation. Rudolf Book of Mormon or whatever I mean you just wrote the title in the subject for speaking of yelling about movies oh you everything got a movie fight with somebody who's not even here fucking yelling about tunes so I had no idea this existed or so I thought and I'm listening to you guys talk about scenes from the movie and characters and I start to feel clairvoyance as I knew what you would say next and and see exactly what the characters would look like in my mind's eye. Then, like a repressed childhood memory.

It's like Spotlight. Mark Ruffalo is about to walk out in the hop. Man, he gets so mad at Michael Keaton in that scene. It's great. There's some great hoffs in that movie. You know what I mean. Let's get ready to fumble. All right.

Get it together. Don't fumble through the scene now. then like a repressed childhood memory brought on by the smell of skin lotion an uncle used to wear hold on a second I did not realize it was going to get this close to spotlight I was hit with a wave of memories from childhood

I have seen this movie in a basement thanks for bringing up a lost memory from my child that didn't result in me pointing at a doll in court so he got it was a good memory He gets that we would talk about Spombe. Yeah, well, our audience knows us. Love the show and listen all the time.

Several episodes multiple times. Keep them coming. P.S. Dahl pointing is hyperbole, but the Rankin awakens rush of memories is true and happened while I was driving in traffic, no less. Francisco. Well, thank you for listening, Francisco. So I guess the question would be, like, those weird sense memories you get with either a movie or something. What are you talking about?

Like for me, I remember seeing the movie Abyss, The Abyss. Oh, yeah. And I had a bunch of rollo candy with me at the time. Oh, Rollo. And they're terrible. I don't even know if they... Yeah, you certainly did have Rolos. Yeah, you better run, Fat Boy.

And I, every time I look at Rollo Candy, I always think about the movie The Abyss. similarly milano cookies always makes me think of the uh the video game road rash but this is just looking at them oh yeah no just thinking about it you think about the taste it just puts you in that place this oh so but this has this this dude had the smell yeah i mean but it's kind of the same area here's here's i know exactly what you're talking about i don't have it with a movie but i have a feeling if i ever experienced these exact settings again i might be able to travel through time uh because I know exactly what you're talking about. One Christmas, I received...

When Magic Christmas, it was just one Christmas? No, it was just one Christmas. I had a really great childhood. Not like the fucking losers in that movie. All right. One Christmas, I got a golden eye on Nintendo 64. Nice. A bottle of Tommy Hilfiger Cologne. Okay. And a CD copy of Real Big Fish

Turn the Radio off. Uh-huh. Right. And that entire winter break was listening to that album, playing that game. Drinking the bottle of cologne, right? But no. But like, so whenever I smell, like that standard, whatever that first Tommy Hill figure cologne was, when I smell that, I think about the record and I think about the game. When I see the game, I think about the record and the cologne. When I call it's all the record. But I haven't since like the mid-90s ever had those three happen again. And I've always hypothesized that if that happened. And I might just be zapped back into like 1996 or whatever it was. That's terrified. With your brain now?

Or would you be reverted back to those memories? I think it would just be my consciousness would take me back in time. I wouldn't physically travel. Because if you could go back in time with what you know now, that's huge. I would totally, dude. I would just say be careful because you could butterfly affect me into being either a goth or I don't know what else happens. So you want to go like a situation. go back and un-butterfly me from being a goth.

Do your best. Oh, man. Done deal, dude. Yikes. Well, no, I didn't wear makeup. No, whatever. Everyone went to Hot Topic in the 90s. Come on.

That's what you did. All right. Last one. It's a dozy, too. Dozy is one word for it. It's a poosy. Let's get ready to fumble. Oh, this is a let's get ready to fumble.

The subject line. Yep. I can't believe I just finished my drink for this one. In which a grown woman poops herself. Strap in. I like where this is going. Go ahead, going, going, going. Hey, guys, absolutely love the show.

Provided me a ton of laughs. And usually when I really needed some, in terms of embarrassing movie experiences, I have a doozy. She does. A bunch of my friends had decided to see the movie 300 for a midnight showing the night before it premiered And since one of my best guy friends And the guy I had been head over heels in love with at the time

Was going I decided I could handle a complete butchering of Greek history If maybe I got to sit next to him and wow him With my quick and snarky remarks throughout the movie Because that will reel him in, right? That's not my commentary That's this woman has a strong grasp on reality

and as she's... Seven years later, knows what's what. This bro is strapping in for oiled up homoeroticism. He does not want you jumping in there, right? No, he doesn't.

He's paying attention to those pecks. And here's the thing... Gerald Butler. Oh, yeah, breaking Greek knicks with Gerard Butler. You know, when he was on the Golden Globes, he made a joke about how he couldn't read well. Yeah.

That's not a joke. Don't just make statements, Gerard Butler. I cut to read. Also, I don't care about who writes in about this. 300 is a terrible movie. Agreed. Okay. Agreed. Not sure what I ate that day to make me feel so sick to my stomach earlier in the evening.

Does this story need a spoiler alert at this point, she says? But once I got to the theater, I needed to go to the bathroom. However, seizing the opportunity, one of the girls said, quote, you go ahead and go to the bathroom and we'll go in and save you a seed end quote realizing if I went to the bathroom at that moment I would miss my chance at making sure I'd get a seat next to Sam

Oh he sounds like a prize piece Man listen Shit is a heavier priority It has to be Poop always comes first I told them Well I guess in the sense that it's number two It comes second yeah

Poop should be number one though Yeah I gotta go take a number two by that I mean a peeve. I told them I do like to put that tooth. We can make it happen if we can't put that toothpaste tag in the tube, man. That's like, that's like saying, you want green lights to mean stop and red lights to mean go. It's not going to happen. I do.

I told them I didn't have to go that badly. And into the theater we went, me telling myself I wasn't five years old and could control my bowels well enough through a two-hour movie. Madam, this is what the trailers are for. Yep. Put your coat down where you'd like it to be. That is a great idea. Next to your boy crush and then you go away. Stephen Sadek with the life hacks.

As they say, the pride cometh before the fall. I was so focused on meditating my way through my stomach pains that I didn't say one word to Sam the entire movie. He messed out on those quips. Yeah, you did. He missed out on those quips. And there's plenty of them. Like, why is that guy naked?

Why is that guy naked? Hey, why is that guy naked? I guess it's hot in Greece. I guess it's hot and grease. Wait, how is this movie homerotic and homophobic all at once? Wait, how is this movie homerotic and homophobic all at once? It figured it out. And was too scared to get up to use the restroom during the film

in case it started a, wow, she's been gone a long time comment while I was gone. It's so easy to come back from that, ladies and gentlemen. You come down and be like, oh, my God, this bitch was it. And she was taking up all this time. And it took me forever to even sit down. Oh, my God. I had totally a normal pee, but then she was. This disgusting woman was in front of me, or whatever.

Or get this, there was a huge line. Yes, that's it. And one of them were out of order. Out of order. Can you believe it? Exactly. I agree with you. All right, the movie's on.

Out of order. I didn't want to force Sam to associate poop and me ever. What a square of this guy is. Sam's not like, Sam's not like Donald Trump where he's like, that's disgusting. A woman took a shit. That's disgusting. A woman went to the bathroom. That's disgusting.

I don't know this guy. Is he dead yet? No, he's still running for president. Oh, Sam? Sam grew up to be Donald Trump. Weirder things have happened. I was only focused on getting through the evening and making it home. When the movie was done, I was going to run to the bathroom on the way out. But then Sam started a conversation with me, which carried over until our smallish group of friends were all milling about outside the theater, talking and joking around.

we're heading home for the night. While laughing at something one of us said, you know, there's that phrase, you know, bros before hose, and then, you know, women rightfully inverse it, hose before bros. Sure.

Universal non-gender poos before yous. Because anything has to happen. If you got a poo, it comes before you and everyone else you know. That's true. Just put that. All right, so guys, this is the second act of this email. Okay, good.

while laughing at something one of us said and before I even knew what had happened I had shit myself Good gravy a decent amount I was in such shock I couldn't even remember if it made any noise when it happened

so I looked frantically around it my friend's faces to gauge reactions and it seemed as though nobody had noticed yet thankfully we were all standing around in a circle so nobody had a clear view of my behind Since nobody had yet noticed the person standing next to And across from them was currently pooping in their jeans like an invalid

I quickly had to think of a way I could extricate myself From this situation unscathed I couldn't run back into the theater to use the restroom Because that would involve drawing attention to myself A and B I would have to turn my back to the group to do it Escape Route number one was out My question is what color of jeans are these

what you know I do I do need some more detail that's why I always 365 wear brown jeans Wrangler Browns man I was gonna ask you about those Brett Farve endorses I just If you got a jacket or something Or like a big old sweater

Yeah you do you tie it around the back right Like you're a casual cool kid in 1989 Yes And then you're really like catch you later bros gotta go drop a deuce by the way in case you're wondering go to that bathroom

we'll get to it because I have a story to cop this with you're sweating like a maniac at this point like you know what I mean like you're not like you're not as casually cool

like oh I don't notice the poop in that person's pants that person didn't poo their pants you're sweating like you're being interrogated yes I couldn't simply walk to our cars with them because the longer I spent

next to them the harder would be to hide what was currently happening down below so escape route number two was out. I figured by the amount I had shit myself Good Lord, madam. This is like my saw. If this happened?

You got your arm off or not? Yeah, this is a nightmare scenario. I had tops two minutes until the situation was beyond salvaging. I quickly pulled my phone out of my purse, waved it around a bit, and proclaimed, Hey, my mom called me a few times while in the movie.

I better call her back. You guys go ahead. Ace move, by the way. This is a good one. I like the first right move of the evening. This instigated their leaving while giving me an excuse to hang back without having to turn my back to them either. They could just simply walk ahead of me while I fake chatted on the phone to my fake concern mom. You know what I'm a fan of?

A fake phone call. Oh, yeah. Oh, a fake phone call. What a lifesaver. You know, right when there's a chance. chance, right? When you left, they were like, did you smell? Did you guys smell that? Right? That was shit, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. People were like...

She stuck like shit, right? We saw the movie at an outdoor mall, which the theater was at the center of. Blessings from Heaven, someone in my group said, actually, we're all parked in the other direction, so we'll just say, by now and see you later. Nice. This meant I could actually make a clean escape. Well, not a clean escape. Once they were a good 25 feet away in the opposite direction I turned my back to them

and began waddle sprinting to my car That's the only way you can walk in that situation Hey Hold on I hear someone yell behind me That's it I thought I gauged my distances wrong I'm so stupid and they could totally see the back of my pants

When I made a run for it Did you drop this? And this is it Drop this up to There we go on sorry And this is it. This is when the, did you just shit your pants question happens. Oh, mercy.

Good God. So what the fuck happens? Well, I'll tell you. I'm actually parked where you are, so I'll walk with you. It was Sam. Why? Why, why, why? Cool was all I could muster.

I quickly turned around to face him until he caught up with me. Then once he passed me walking, I turned around again, stealthily making sure my back was never to him. I knew the smell was starting to carry, so I walked really slow pretending I was still on the phone and simply too distracted to walk at a normal pace. We came upon a bench, and I quickly sat down and proclaimed, I got to listen to this voicemail. It's really hard to hear. I'll see you later. Nice. But that's also kind of super weird, right? Like, if somebody said that to you were like, what, did you shit your pants? I don't think shitting your pants is the first thing you would go to. But you were like, oh, this person doesn't want to talk to me. Yeah, yeah, they're not interested. Yeah, yeah. He looked at me quizzically, then slowly stalked away to his car. I sat on that bench for 20 minutes more, not wanting to risk any chance of him waiting for me or any other reason he wouldn't have just gotten in his car and left.

Oh, no. By this point, my pants and underwear were well and truly ruined, as was my pride and feminine mystique. I waddle walked the rest away to my car, and I cried the whole way home, wondering how this even happened and how my in-the-moment escape planning could have possibly. even worked in a closely situated group of seven people. The next day I called one of my best friends who laughed her head off at what happened and promised me in a year I would find this hilarious and thankfully I do even years later. I'm not sure if anyone in the group I went with ever knew what happened that night

because nobody ever said anything to me about it. If Sam ever knew, he obviously didn't care that much since we started hooking up a few years later. All right. Oh my God. Now we're talking. Thanks again for all the laughs. you guys are the best keep it up good for you you know honestly it happens it you know that's the thing that's the thing no one will tell you in the cold light of day that happens adults shit their pants

oh really i will tell you um right now you know we just got that nice email from from another fan uh i can't uh relate to menstruating in a movie theater or in public you can't but i can relate to shitting your pants in public sure uh back here we go Read the entourage episode We talked about Chris Cabin's Old Sunset Park Apart We're talking a lot of Chris Cabin As we always do

Oh well you gotta keep the Storytelling going As is the tradition Keep him alive You know we must have been He's not really dead No He's not dead at all

Thankfully He was living at Sunset Park in Brooklyn Way down in Brooklyn I was living in the Bronx Which is in the North Bronx the last like pretty far up it's you know by public transportation standards

you're like three hours out of your day exactly so uh you know we all hung out that night uh got wasted probably had fucking really bad food at four o'clock in the morning passed out woke up and chris is like we weren't brunch types back in 2007 it was like hey who wants to get

some greasy shit pizza and I'm like you know what that's a great idea before I got on a three hour train ride so I have two slices of pepperoni and I say you know what And it's Sunday, and I'm like, you know, doing the math in my head. I was like, that's a three-hour ride. Like, it's time for me to go.

I want to get home before the sun goes down, et cetera, et cetera. Yeah. I get on the, get on the R train. I'm not feeling great. I switch to the end, and I'm feeling even worse. And like, we're getting around Times Square. So we're in Manhattan at this point. And I'm like, man, I really got to go to the bathroom.

I got to take a number two, right? And I just, I'm feeling. It's number one to Eric's metrics. We're switching it up. But I'm start being vain. And I'm like, you know what, Stephen? It's going to take you so long to get home. By the time you get out in Times Square where there's a ton of bathrooms you could use by finding a bathroom, by asking for the bathroom code or whatever the situation may be, it's going to add another 45 minutes onto this incredibly long trip.

And you just want to be home, right? So I hold it out. switch over to the five train at Lexington and on the way we get up to Harlem and it's really hitting me and I'm like dude

you're a grown ass adult and you've got this because this is the story the thing no one tells you in school you think you'll never shit your pants until you do that's true our lady listener there was like

you know what I could just ride this movie out I've gone two hours without taking this shit it's fine but when it when your body is screaming at you you'd better listen. Oh, sure. And it goes away around 1.25th Street. And I'm like, oh, cool. I don't have to go jump out in Harlem. Again, there's a lot of bathrooms there. But I'm like, I don't want, it's the same situation, but it's even worse because it's less

bathrooms. Like, good. I can make it. By the time we cross over to the Bronx, I'm like, oh my God, I have to go. And I start doing the dump walk on the train. Like the up and down. Oh, here it comes. Here it comes. And like, at this point, may I point out that anybody who was in this train car with you was like, look at this fucking short, crazy person. Swaying back and forth. Got the dump sweats like you wouldn't believe.

Probably talking to himself. Oh yeah, like, come on, come on, hold on for me. And is he blaring incubus out of this earphones? No, it was too late for incubus. It was probably Nick Drake. Just cooling me down. Man, what a catalog to shit yourself to. I run out, it's Grand Concourse.

And I'm like, oh man, I just got it. get to a and it happens and it happens and i'm as surprised as anybody else you know what i mean like because you don't expect it to happen to you until it does and i'm sitting there in standing there in public and no one can see like i'm wearing like loose enough jeans yeah um but i'm also worried about rollout which you have to worry about with loose jeans like like you know i mean i don't know that was the style back then yeah exactly like this thing could i don't want to leave a trail as i'm I got a little I got a little story about rollout.

Uh-huh. Are you done? No, no. So it's terrible. I'm dejected. I turn white. I run upstairs. I'm in the middle of nowhere now.

There's no McDonald's. There's nothing. I need a bathroom. I can't just go home like this. So I go, I find an optometry college that is closed because it's Sunday. Holy shit.

And the security guard really doesn't want to let me in. And I mean really. And I have the sweet talk about. little bit. Can I please use your bathroom? I apologize. I'll be just a minute. And he looks at me and he's like, ah, come on, man, you're cool. And I'm like, big mistake, pal.

Just like go into the bathroom. And I feel like washing your pants. Yeah, I'm washing everything. I throw the underwear out in the garbage in there, which that guy probably had to clean later. No, he didn't. Security guards and janitors are two different jobs. I walk out.

I get a cab. I take a $30 cab ride home. in jeans that I will later throw out and I just felt like shit for the rest of the day because it does happen. Yeah, that is

a scary story. This one didn't happen to me. Okay, a little rollout. Yeah, a little surrogate. Barrick Fisca is going to show up. No, no, no, no. I actually, no, I don't do that because that's filthy.

But a friend of mine worked at a Barnes & Noble. Uh-huh. And apparently, for a long time, this dude would go to Barnes & Noble repeatedly, and he would take a shit in his pants. Every time? I guess every, whatever he struck. I don't know if it was every time he was in the store. But what he would do, he would take a book off of the shelf, open it up to, like, the middle of the book, and do like a rollout turd.

I mean, this guy's got, he probably had great fiber. He was probably taking supplements to get this to happen to be like a nice purse. Oh, yeah, like a rabbit pellet. Or whatever it was. But it was, and then what he would do is he'd close the book. No. So the turn would be smushed into the book and he put it back on the shelf. So then you'd buy like a shitbook.

And people want to know why Amazon.com is taken over the world. Yeah. Fuck that. That's disgusting. That's, yeah. Well, I won't not participate. Because Steve's right. This is something they don't tell you in training.

to be an adult at some point in your life you were going to shit your pants and you know what eric you're sitting on a high horse and you're like you know what that'll never happen to me until it does I mean I've been at like you know you you're like no I've been on the

on the urine end yeah yeah sure like it's like yeah you there's a lot of times you're like I shuck enough it has been shook I was I was hosting a screening in college of the Lolita remake

The Jeremy Irons one? Irons, Frank Langella. And so we were taking it, it was a Kubrick seminar like adaptation. Because all the Kubrick's movies are adaptations of previous writing. So it was like you read the thing and then you watched the movie. So this was like an extra screening, watch the Lollita remake and talk about it, whatever. So I get this thing going. And it's in this huge lecture hall, huge lecture hall.

There's only like 10 people that showed up. It's a little bit of a remake, by the way. Hence why no one showed it. And so I'm thinking, great, I watched it the night before. I'm just going to go in the back and conk out. And this was a lecture hall that you and I had had classes in. Oh, I know that. That's a good place to snoozing.

They bent right at the perfect part in your back and you could just have the best sleep of your life. Was this natural sciences? The natural sciences lecture hall. It was perfect for sleeping. We've all slept there. And so I was like, cool, I'll sleep in the back till the movie's over with. Then I'll lead the discussion and, you know, then we'll get out of there. So it was also like, it was senior year.

I'd been working on my thesis. I was on like pain meds because I've been having like back problems from like sitting and riding. All the backyard rassling you were doing. Yeah, I had been thrown through a car windshield the weekend prior. And I'm like, and it's college by the way. So I'm in thin pajama pants. no yes and so i'm hepped up on all these as was the style at the time as was the style of the time wear thin pajama pants get hepped up on goofballs and then go out in public to host a screening

this is what college kids did at the time yeah so i hightail it to the back of this lecture hall and i'm sitting down to get the best sleep of my life and i break wind and as i break wind as i'm sitting, it happened. Because I'm just loose. I'm on these muscle meds. I'm loose. Who knows it's going to have? I'd say that is the biggest danger and maybe the biggest perpetrator is like, is it a fart?

Oh yeah. Is it a fart, man? You don't know. You don't know. And I didn't even question it. And it's as I'm getting ready to sit down in this chair and it happened. And I knew it happened. The second I sat, I was like, this is over with. Everything is over with. I bounced back up. I sat on attack and just ran down the stairs of this lecture hall, like skipping steps at a time in these thin pajama pants.

God, do you got any rollout going? No rollout. Thank God no rollout. The floor was carpeted in that place, if you remember. Yeah, you're in trouble. Oh, man. So I get to the restroom. I ditch those boxer shorts.

They were useless. And then I just went home. I was supposed to lead a discussion after the street. No, no, no, no, no. I didn't even go back to pick up that DVD. I don't know what happened to it. I just went home. I took a shower. I threw those pants out. They were very nice pants, by the way.

And then that was the end of it. Because you know what, ladies and gentlemen, at the end of the day, it happens. If it hasn't happened to you yet, it's definitely going to happen to you in the future. And you know what? A good visualization technique, which I think helps a lot in these situations. Oh, my God, what's going to happen? If you're going to fart, you need to picture Edward James Olmo. in Battlestar Galactica on the

on the bridge right or in what's it called the opera room the I don't I don't the situation whatever whatever it was the war it's like and like you know and and and Ty is like Captain

we got something coming up is that a fucking fart and it's just like and you know you just think about it is like it's that a fart or a shit Saul I don't care if you're drunk or what I need to know what's going on on that ship Because it's like a sylon.

Are you letting a sylon into your life? Or are you just going to fart? It's true. It's hard to gauge. It is hard to gauge. And when you're thinking like, oh, it might not be, then imagine Adama breaking that model ship into pieces. Because that's what your life will look like afterwards. It's true.

And listen, I commend this woman for writing this email because this is something adults don't talk about outside of a Larry the Cable Guy special. And I don't care who you. are. That's funny. That's W.H.M. Mailbag for this month, everybody. For your February edition, I will say this, how about some romance at the movies? Oh, I like that. A Valentine's Day mailbag. See what shakes out, if you will. We'll light a candle and we'll read your love stories. Totally. So if you have some questions for us or have some loving stories you want right on the air, right in the mailbag. Love gone wrong as well. Oh, love gone wrong, of course. So either way, Right into the mailbag, we all hate movies at gmail.com.

Love gone wrong, like that dude's master of disguise rant, that definitely ruined that relationship. Yeah. We all hate movies at gmail.com until February. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Zeta. Eric Sisker. Take it easy.