We Hate Movies - S6: WHM On-Screen: The Star Wars Holiday Special

Episode Date: December 14, 2015

On this special WHM On-Screen rerun to kick off Star Wars Week here at WHM, the gang revisits the time they traveled to a galaxy far, far away around the holidays and found The Star Wars Holiday Special! Remember this beloved holiday conversation as Andrew, Chris and Eric chat about the potential of a Vince McMahon-run wookie football league, Chewbacca's humble domestic goals, and the possibility of using this wretched special as a sonic weapon at Gitmo! The Star Wars Holiday Special stars Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Anthony Daniels, Peter Mayhew, Kenny Baker, Bea Arthur, and Art Carney; directed by Steve Binder. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies

It's the holiday bumper. Well, whoopty-do. Welcome to a rebroadcast edition of the WHM. Was it an on-screen of the Star Wars holiday special? It is, and it might as well be an animation damnation. There's a large cartoon sequence in this. I totally forgot about that. Oh, yeah.

There's also, what was it, Chewbacca's family's hanging out? Oh, Chewbacca's family, man. That's some of the worst shit you'll see. It's better depiction of Kuybock's. or whatever this is called than in the prequels. As I say, speaking of Chewbacca's family, you'll listen to Chris Cabin on this episode.

That's right. Chris Cabin is on this episode. Now this was a thing... Distant cousin of Chewbacca. He is a woodland creature. This was back when we were putting out stuff just on the Libson app which we don't do anymore.

If you haven't noticed that, we don't do that anymore. And if only because We're gearing up to start a Patreon at some point in 2016, so that's that. But we wanted everybody to be able to enjoy the Star Wars holiday special conversation. It's a perfect time to do it. We've got Force Awakens coming out on Friday. It is the holiday season. So, you know, you've got to get all this stuff out there.

It's a perfect, a mixture of this. Right. Although we won't have a Hoth Christmas this year. Yes. Because that's the white Christmas of it, right? Yeah, that's true. Right? Yeah, no, we've got global warming summer Christmas.

Right, yeah. It's a tattooing Christmas. Man, WHM presents a tattooing Christmas. I'd sign on. Sweeting it out in Tunisia, man. All right, so continue enjoying WHM Star Wars Week. Hashtag. W.HM. Star Wars Week.

This is us talking about the holiday special. Steve Sadek has one more announcement. If you haven't already, you should go and download our, and purchased, by the way, our commentary on Revenge of the Sith, because it's out there, it's awesome. Yeah, it's the Revenge of the Sithmentary. It's out now. And at the time of this recording, let me just say,

as far as I know, and it will be available to other places, but right now, as of this moment, only available on cdbaby.com. But eventually, in the coming weeks, depending upon how long, you know, different websites delivery systems take, you know, it'll be available wherever digital music is sold. But for right now, cdbaby.com, search We Hate Movies. All our commentaries are there,

including our latest one. It's the best and fairest price you're going to get, first and foremost, right? That's true. Yeah. That's pretty true. So cdbaby.com, WHM Commentary, Revenge of the Sithmetry, out now. So you make something so bad, and it's so universally reviled that you say on a talk show, you wish you could find every copy and set it on fire.

It's the one time I'm agreeing with him. It's the one time I'm in complete agreement. with him. He should pay the money to do it. Well, shouldn't you have said that again about episode one? I even forget, like, I mean, that would take a lot of money. Well, no, actually, I mean, he could probably cut that up for cheaper,

but to find every, like, because there's probably VHS copies, it was probably like handed around at some point, like, you know, bootleg tapes. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, this was a big, it's like that Mr. Show sketch, right? Where they do the, um, it's

the service for bootleg videos. It's like you call a number, and then Brian Possein shows up like, hey guys. And it's like, when you hear, hey, guys, turn around and your bootleg video delivery boy will be like, this was one of those tapes that was like, hey, guys, I got the Star Wars holiday special. It kind of reminds that really great documentary, shut up little man about the tape in San Francisco that went around. It reminds me a little bit of that. Welcome to WHM on screen, a special holiday edition, right in time for Chris. and the New Year and all that good stuff. We're chatting about the Star Wars

Holiday Special from 1978. Directed by Steve Bender sitting here. I'm Andrew Jupin sitting here with Eric Siska and Chris Cabin. I got to say, I got to tell you, I got excited for a second. I thought you were going to introduce Steve Bender

to the program. That would be pretty great. He actually, didn't he direct something kind of big? Oh, I have no idea. I mean, this is quite a splash. I mean, his name sounds familiar, but I don't know for sure on that one. I kind of want to find it because I thought it was something

and I was like, wow, this dude kind of directed a thing but then he also directed the fucking Star Wars Holiday Special. I mean, that happens all the time. I mean, and this I mean, you call it the Star Wars Holiday Special. It really should be the infamous Star Wars Holiday Special. The word infamous or notorious

should be in the title, I feel. Hey, so he directed something well before this in 1964 called The Tammy Show if you can ever check this out it's an amazing it's like a TV broadcast that they just they compiled on this DVD

it's all these old musical acts classic acts like when they were really young just performing on this show and it's like the Beach Boys Chuck Barry's doing a thing James Brown does an amazing performance so that guy directed that and then he directed the infamous

Star Wars holiday special Now, Eric, do you want to try to explain a little bit about what happens in this? Because this is, it's like a variety show. It's a Star Wars Brady Bunch variety show. It's classic 70s mold. You've got to have, you know, you got to have your comedy. You've got to have your song and dance and stuff like that. So your animated interlude.

The premise is basically that Han Solo and Chewbacca are being fought by recycled footage from the first Star Wars movie. They're being fought, they're being attacked by C-roll. Yeah, the Empire is a hot pursuit again and again and again using the same shots. And then they got to get down to Kish. I don't know if I'm pronouncing. There's like seven K's in this name. There's three Ys in a row, which I just don't know what to do with. And my last name is Siska.

Yeah, if you can't figure it out, nobody can. So they're going. Probably a name that only like Bjork could sing. she should really she should have a song about life day and the the uh wookie home world it's probably like

kushki rain yeah no you know what it is it's a fucking sigger ross lyric chuvacca comes from a sigger ross song yeah yeah 20 minute track so anyway so they're trying to get there they're trying to get there for life day which is basically um the Christmas

of wookies where all their family members have to get together and like stay under one roof for a day because Chewbacca doesn't really care about his family he's just right around the universe but what's crazy about this movie is it like it introduces it's like and introducing Chewbacca's family get the fuck out of here he's got a wife a kid and his goddamn old man is still living around the house his toothless father named itchy fuck you George Lucas are you kidding me and his kids named lumpy oh man and i'm pretty sure that mrs chubaca is just chubaka recycled with some with some like mascara on dude it's it's chubaka's costume with lipstick on

her name is mala by the that i remember am i the only one who like always thought like of course i'm not the only one because it's fucking obvious but thought of chubacca as alone Yeah, and he had like his tribe back at home, but he probably just like mated with several different other wookies. I don't just dude, he's just getting down on Kirsch. Well, that's what he's doing. He might have been, you know, I mean, I think this is one theory. Now, I don't know much about Chewbacca, but I think there is some people who say that like, oh, he was like an imperial slave at one point. Uh-huh. Because like they're strong.

So you're going to use. And obviously a fascist government. just resorts to slave labor immediately. So he's a rebel, like a loaner rebel. Right, exactly. So Chewbacca is kind of like a Jean Valjean started situation. Yeah. But like,

class it up. I honestly never thought of him coming home to like a roasting Bartho steak or whatever the fuck they're making. Yeah, no way. I never thought of that. Really. I got to see Chewbacca's shitty house he has that he's kind of behind on the mortgage on. Yeah, it's not a great pad.

It's not. It's, you know what? It's kind of a little bit bigger than like an EWox apartment. He's just got like this desk in the corner just covered with paper. He's trying to find out if he's got the budget for a jacuzzi. Because with Chubacca, dude, he's one of those guys where it's like the little things in life. Yeah. Right. So like, you know, you go out in space. You're traveling around the galaxy, getting all these adventures to try to make some money. But when you're home, all you care about is like, you know, maybe you'll, you'll, get to take the space RV down to the shore, do some casino gambling maybe. Chubac is a guy that's got a lot of Marl

miles, you know what I'm saying? He's trying to save up for the boat, like the Marlboro boat. So yeah, he wants a hot tub in that shitty tree house. He just wants to kick back and watch the wookie bears against the like Kirschkind giants or whatever the

fuck. He just wants to be left alone, do his thing, because he's been out with God damn Han Solo hopping around the universe. Speaking of which if they would just televise Wookie football here, I'd be a huge fan. Oh, man. I would know

nothing about sports. I would know everything about that sport. Note to Vince McMahon, who I know is listening. Sure, the XFL failed, but you ever think about the WFL, the Wookie Football League? I don't even need to be real wookies, frankly. I could just have people

Chewbacca suits. Big old motherfuckers in Wookie costumes. That's really all I need. Now that Disney owns Star Wars. Come on. Right for it, man. How about the SWF or whatever? Dude, it's like the Wookie League, like, goes up against like the Storm Trooper League. Yeah. That would be pretty sick.

Oh, yeah. And then there'll be a team of Boba Fats, a team of Darth Vader's, you know? Hey, so one thing I did not expect to. going into this was to see a comedy legend slum it harder than I've ever seen a comedy legend slum it before. I saw that. I was like, I wish he died before this. Here comes

Art Carney. Art Carney, ladies and gentlemen, as some sort of like a trading post operator who's also... He's friends with the Bacca's. He's like a human who's like, I'm going to live in the frontier in the native wild like i'm going to open a trading post next to all these savages it's kind of like

wilford brimley in that battle for endor just living out there fucking that rabbit you know away from the laws of man yeah get get your hands off my space bucks like that's art carney's kind of like the same thing like yeah yeah i'm gonna live out here now that's but at least our carny seems to be productive yeah he's got a store he kind of is like contributing to the society he's all Also very low on the totem pole, but he is involved in the resistance. Or so he says to Princess Leia when they Skype for a little bit later in this. This fucking thing, by the way, 90 minutes with commercials. How dare you?

How fucking dare you 90 minutes of my life sucked away with this? Like, you just get, like, it could have been five hours, honestly, because you're just, you're stuck in it. And you think it's never going to end. I didn't, I, I purposely did not look at the time. code on my computer because I was like, you know what? It's going to be one of those things where like you sit in a room with the lights turned off in the

complete darkness and then after like 10 minutes, they say you have no idea how much time has passed. That's what this is like. Watching the Star Wars Holiday special, after 10 minutes, you have no idea how much time has passed. You don't know when it's going to be over because there's no real story.

So it could end at any point. We should put it on a loop for like terrorists. and prisoners. Dude, Guantanamo. Hey, George Lucas, here's what you do with it.

You sell it to the United States government. We played on a loop in a fucking torture chamber in Guantanamo Bay. They're going to use my film as a weapon. Well, do you think that's the one thing Disney was like, okay, not having? Yeah,

he was like, I'll throw in the rights to the holiday special for free. We'll pay another billion just not to have it. We're not putting our name on it. Apparently this never made it out of VHS. Sure. When you never made it on to VHS? Like people just recorded the broadcast.

It's interesting that it never was released like in any medium. Yeah. Well, he he totally disowned it right after it aired. It only aired once on TV. So that was, I mean, that was it. Like what the version I watched was taped in 1978 off the TV by some dude or lady in Baltimore. Mine had a lot of tracking. Mine was.

Oh, really? A lot of like dials going. up and down in the recording it was something mine was from Iowa look at that the Baltimore one's great there's a lot of amazing pro-union commercials on it there's a GM thing where they're like and it's

it's amazing because you think about this shit now like you'd be accused of being a fucking communist for airing this but it's like there's like a pro-union like GM commercial where it's like general moaners we stand by our product but even more importantly we stand by our workers

And you're like, wow, holy shit. Fast forward. Oh, no, they're slit in their throats now. I don't care about their workers at all. There's a great one, though, from, let's see. Oh, man, what is it called? It's like the United Women's Undergarment Workers Association. It's amazing.

It's a union for, like, bra makers. And the commercial is, like, this musical thing where they sing a song about how strong their women's undergarment workers union is. Oh, my God. And nowadays, they're, how far away the bras are made from America? It might as well be on Kishka. Yeah. It's so outsourced.

It's on a Star Wars planet. Look for the union label. When you are buying Michael's dress for balls, remember somewhere our union solely our wages go in truth be the kids and run the house we work hard but who's complaining by till the I and he were paying

our way so always look the war on the union label it says we're able to make it in the USA It's totally true Star Wars. That's where it is. It is left reality. Also, there's a great, like, local news thing where they're, like, talking about someone made a deal with the Soviet Union to activate a neutron bomb. And it's like, news at 11th, neutron bomb. And the lady, it's like new enough in the neutron bomb's existence, I guess, where she was like, and by the way, that's the bomb that will kill people. But Lee, building standing at 11

now back to the Star Wars holiday special but first a much more sinister atrocity I'd rather be turned to fucking dust than have to watch this again yeah neutron bomb me but you know I think a neutron bomb is pretty cool right

like wouldn't it be great just to neutron bomb a city and then everyone everyone all your people can just move in it's really bizarre i think that's what lucas's plan is is that he's going to get all of the copies like into just a city that nobody you know he can easily evacuate maybe it will be just like minnesota or something like that and just throw the new trump just make sure it's gone but that's what's amazing though right is in today's technology he's never going to be able to do this once something's digitized and it's out there dude like he's fucked like it's going to

live on forever you can take it off of youtube as many times as you want people will find a way to get it out there we had three different copies of it that we watched for this it's it's in the cloud you can't steal a cloud george can't happen it's done it's over with this weather machine that i'm downloading uh i'm developing uh you'll uh you'll see chris cabin i'll buy the cloud stephen talking my friend stephen spielberg his buys most of the stock in clouds here's a great thing that this uh holiday special does though inside chubacca's house you get to see like you know like chubacca's like kitchen's living room and whatnot this movie this holiday special clearly not movie caliber uh predicts a a use of flat screen

televisions in a domestic setting chubacca's family has a flat screen tv it's amazing that's great it's so great it predicts that it does predicts skyping that's how they communicate with princess leah it also predicts uh sex machines let's talk about this for a quick second so art carney comes in he's got like a bunch of life day presents for everybody and then he goes up to uh itchy chubacca's father itchy if we haven't mentioned that yet itchie bacca yeah itchie vaca and he's like uh oh hey itchy uh i got a real sweet present for you pal here i uh help you put it together and it's like he set up this chair and I'm like what's going on here and he's like all right uh wife's out of the room it's probably a good time to set this up have a lot of fun with it and he puts this visor down over this fucking wookie's face and I'm like wait what's going on and then this woman well no first it's like all these trippy images right and I'm like oh the 70s this is fantastic I'm watching it and I'm like kind of getting sucked in and then out of nowhere this lady shows up and i i guess she's some some big singer uh diane carroll i'm not too familiar

with her work but yeah she's she's clearly been around i guess she does some white collar she's on that program yeah but yeah she's she's been in some stuff anyway she appears and she's like well how you doing itchy and i'm like wait what yeah and she starts talking about like his desires and yeah she's for him and like i was built for you it's all about it's it's a fuck machine man it's a jackpot vr fuck machine straight up virtually virtual reality right in the future everyone's gonna have it's like a it's like a daft punk-esque fuck helmet it's kind of like uh it's sort of like the thing in demolition man but they're not like doing with anybody it's the three seashells

no i mean no he's not wiping his wookie ass he's jerking off no that's our trough. Give me a break. The wookies, plumbing, really? You really think this is happening. Dude, you just shit out a hole in that tree house and it falls 3,000 feet to the ground. Go on the balcony, take a leak. That's all, you know, Chewbacca's pissing off that day.

Oh, absolutely. Do you think his family tells him not to? He like hits him. Oh, yeah, no. Mala or whatever is like, you know, we'll stop, stop pissing off the balcony. he gets so fed up with it he's like he's gonna go out for a pack of beer right or a pack of cigarettes case of beer whatever yeah and then he just never comes back do you think that's initially how he got on board with rolling with solo yeah was like he was just like at the fucking can'tina one night and he was like bitching about his family life i think it's definitely a harry dean stanton and in paris texas thing going on here you think so i think that's what we're talking about here he's just this lone wanderer just went away, then, like, I don't know, like, it's, so his father, oh, yeah, his father, like, married instead of, you know, Harry Dean Stanton. It's the guy from Quantum Leap, who I'm being an idiot for not remembering the name of Dean Stockwell. Yes. So, it's the, it's the Star Wars holiday special. It's a bullshit fake thing. Total cash grab. You expect the wookies to be the main characters. You expect people like Chewbacca and C3 and R2D2. to all appear in this thing, which they do.

You do not expect Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, and Carrie Fisher to be in this thing. But lo and behold, all three appear in character in this. I mean, Harrison Ford has been known lately for doing the cartoony rage. If you want to see the real rage,

if you want to see him taking out a baseball bat and go into your family's house, you bring up this special to him yes i do want to see that bring up this special to this is when his soul died like there's a moment in this if you freeze frame it correctly i bet you could see like a like a twinkle forever leave his eye yeah like it's you think it's just like the crappy video quality and it's a glitch but it's actually his soul going out his eyeball this is when he just lost it right this is when he wanted like after doing this and seeing how crazy and sellouty

and insane Star Wars got like that's when he wanted Hansel let him die like he didn't want because didn't he not like want to go through the whole I think like there's maybe I'm mistaken but I think like by return of the Jedi he didn't even want to come back well Jedi I remember there was some nonsense

that I mean he kind of rightfully so argued that the script was like too family friendly friendly and he didn't want to be having any of that he could have just stayed in that carbonite could have happened yep you know what That would have been a kind of cool That would have been fine

As far as like alternate Star Wars realities go That one I would have gone for Oh I'm sorry he was frozen and what Oh carbonite Oh yeah sorry dude You can't get people out of carbonite I believe that

Well I can get him out But we'd have to chip away at it And he would just be in pieces And dead anyway So you know what Put it in the living room Put it in Chewbacca's living room It's totally fine

Next to the sex machine Yeah like instead of having an urn on display. You got a gigantic sheet of carbonite. Exactly. I mean, these appearances that they have are really terrible. I mean, the

set of this Millennium Falcon, it's wretched. It's the cockpit only. It's really terrible TV. It's the cockpit from Plan 9 from outer space. Yeah. They're on like two wooden chairs and there's like a curtain behind them. And you can see

Harrison Ford is really doing a lot of like, Oh, the ship's moving. Like, he's moving. It's like one of like the Rushmore plays of the movies. Yeah, it's, it's really bad. It's so fucking cheap. And like, that first movie had been out. This is before, well, clearly it's before Empire.

Like, it takes place between New Hope and Empire. Right. Because he's not frozen carbonite, obviously. Yeah. But, like, that movie was a success. You know you're going on to make the next one. like put any amount of money in this. Like I know you're modeling the TV special after like other 70s variety shows.

But this is Star Wars, man. You know what? Have some pride in what you're doing. Because it's as far as a holiday special. I mean, like, I understand you're trying to, you're literally creating a holiday here. Yeah. But there's nothing very other than like sitting around and like making food and watching television. There's nothing very holiday-ish about this.

It's closer to a wookie Thanksgiving than it is a wookie Christmas. It's very much, I believe it's almost the same exact trajectory as Garfield's Thanksgiving. Except a little old lady doesn't talk to Garfield about her dead husband. No, I want to fucking kill myself. Oh, that's sad. Yeah, it's a, it's a, it's a, you know, a Christmas special that takes the Christ out of Christmas. Yes. And it's just, it has nothing to do.

with real, you know, it creates a whole new thing. If they made, this came out today and Star Wars is so, such a big thing still, like people would be furious, right? Like, oh, they'd go through the fucking, well, I mean. What would Wilford Brimley make of this, right? Well, here, here's the thing. Okay.

I was in a movie called Battle for Ender or some, some what business? That movie had nothing to do with Christmast, and I was fond with being in it. But, My God, I discovered something my grandson showed me off of something called a bite torrent. And it was a video of a Star Wars Christmissless Christmas special.

You're trying to tell me, with all the goofy shit that Georgie Lucas made up, can't think up a Santa Claus planet. A planet for a cent. You can't think it up. Now, God damn it, what is so wrong with a planet full of Santa's? or for that matter you got that tat in the ween desert planet there so much why not have a couple Romans there

and maybe tell a nice story about Jesus Christ come back from the dead why can't Han Solo go mono a mono with the king of the Jews that's what I want to know God damn what Leah she could talk to

Mary Magdalene for a while try to get her on the right track Han Solo and Chewbocker could be smuggling some frankincent and mer through right through Imperial Judea look you already got two of them god damn it you put a bleep blooping robot in there it's the three Guasman it's not hard why am i Wilford brimley right in your george Lucas crosslessless Christmas movie now my favorite movie moment of the last decade when they kill Hitler and then goryish bastards. Now, that was a beautiful moment.

And I respect history and everything. But think about this. You got Boba Fett assassinating brutish. Could you imagine, like, if Star Wars, like, did this and it was like, Judea was a imperially controlled area, and, like, Darth Vader washes his hands of the decision of killing Christ and leaves it up to the people, like... pretty powerful it's yeah that would be crazy at the end of the day vader would have to respect jesus christ because he's a jenni master jesus is the original jedi master yeah because i think what

you have here patient zero this is a god damn x mask special that's what that is i'll be at walmart doing my last minute christmas shopping everyone in my family gets one gift god damn what Yeah, it's definitely, definitely a Christmiss. It's a hard tea. There are some things that go along with us to make it a TV special. Like a, like a variety show TV special. So you have your loose story. Chubacca's trying to get home for Life Day, right?

You've got this family fucking around waiting for him. Art Carney's like giving updates, right? there is a thing where the little the little kid lumpy lumpy right he turns on some cartoon it's well yeah all right let's talk about the cartoon we got to talk about the cartoon because what's great about the cartoon it's a it's a story about han solo luke skywalk or princess lay all them they get to this this one planet called like pana or something that's it's like a moist planet and and there's like a lockness monster on it yeah boboffat's riding the

lock in this monster. This is first appearance ever. Someone say moist, goddammit. Oh, never mind. Don't touch those brownies. Get out of the kitchen, your asshole. The old walrus. So it's

this cartoon, yeah. But what's great about it is Art Carney set this up for Lumpy to watch and then you're realizing wait a second. In the Star Wars universe, this cartoon about the Star Wars characters exists. So I guess the rebellion is so, so famous.

It's so famous that they're making cartoons about it. Yep. And Boba Fett's like, hey, yeah, you know, sure, like put me in the cartoon. Like, like, yeah, I'll appear in your thing. Oh, you managed to contact me at the corner of the galaxy that I'm on my whatever hit squad mission. Yeah, you can use my likeness in your cartoon. Yeah, you could say I basically work for the empire, sure. I mean, not many people know this, but Hannah Barbera did make.

a series about Castro. Could you imagine if Boba Fett had a lawsuit against this cartoon? It's defamation of character. The thing that's hilarious, though, is this cartoon is the, far and away, the best part of

this special. Yeah. Yes. It made me kind of want to watch like a Star Wars cartoon. Yeah, I could be behind that. Like the way they had that Star Trek cartoon and it was all like the original cast. Oh, that's probably prime for animation. Damn. Oh, yeah, you're right. Oh, good. Let's take a note.

Well, but that's what this is. It's all the original actors doing their voices. So I was like, man, that would be a rad thing to have a Star Wars cartoon like that exists. But the style of it reminded me more of like the Beetlejuice cartoon. It is kind of that. And like mixed with a heavy metal kind of thing. It's really weird. There's some mixed tones with this animation.

But that's why it's badass. Because yeah, it does have like the playful. light kind of like uh you know like their eyes are bigger like they kind of were in the beetle juice cartoon like that's a good animation example but the material is kind of like pretty serious like uh yeah it turns out that boboffetz's working in tandem with darth vader to screw them over yeah he does totally like they realize he's you know out and out griffs luke skywalker yeah yeah it's great it's good because he's just like you know they get arrive on the planet and Boba Fetz is like

I take it you have no love of the empire friend and Luke Skywalker's like no I don't he's like no neither do I and it's like they immediately trusts him and like it's his whole it's this whole it's BobeFec it's a great con con over them it's amazing it is pretty sweet

and he gets in and out he's just like well fuck you guys what I love is when what's his name Spunky Lumpy Lumpy sorry Spunky's when he does gets to be a teenager.

Now, Spunky is what Itchy's called after he gets out of that helmet place. When Lumpy's watching this thing, it's like on some sort of Xbox set of thing. No, actually, that's Krusty. Oh, come on. Sorry, I need to interrupt to throw that in it. Go on. So when he goes to watch this thing, it's amazing because what's happening in the Baca household at this point is a bunch of stormtroopers and, like, Imperial Guards have come. to their house for some reason they're like going door to door right yeah because the empire is like

everywhere now and it's it's it's really a weird like nazis searching for hidden jews well that's all the empire ever really no i know but you don't get any kind of real domestic situation like this in any of the movies it's like this imperial guard telling the stormtrooper like you know don't leave any door unopened like i want you searching every inch of this house it says he Dina Papyr and Bitta. The Frank girl. There's... Vois the Frank girl.

He just got a bunch of Ewarks under the floorboards. Yep. And they take them out and they Then there's a pile of dead Ewax on the lawn. I mean, speaking of the glorious bastards are just looking up. Yeah.

Well, because the guy is like it says on your registration form there's four EWarks registered in this house. Oh, the census strikes again. oh my god the census they just want to know where you all are and it's just three ewarks and art carney in this house and the guy's like hey uh you look like honeymooners legend art carny you're not a wookie and he's like that's right uh i'm just a friend of the baca family i'm just here for uh give it away some life day presents and they're like where is this fourth wookie and they're like we're gonna sit here until this fourth filthy wookie gets home

but the empire is very right because that fourth wookie is like running gun running missions against the empire I mean they're really kind of justified in their

searching of this household this is what doesn't make any sense though so the end of a new hope right they all get their medals from Leah it's the dumbest

scene in that movie they all are there's a big ceremony they all get medals everybody's a hero fantastic but It's very clear that the, the rebel alliance, this resistance, this uprising is still in its early stages.

Like, there's so much work to be done. You know, Han Solo, we still need your help. Come on. You got to continue to help out, like all this shit. But the beginning of this special is basically Han Solo dropping Trubacca off for fucking Thanksgiving break. Like, that's what's happening. He's like, oh, I'm really happy to give you. this ride for your life day celebration buddy it's like you know what there's an uprising here

and shubaka whether he likes it or not is really tied into it so you know what he's not coming home for christmas this year that's just what it is he's you know you got to think the bigger picture here like you know what we have all these imperial guards coming down and screwing with our everyday way of life on cash so like hey there might not be a life day next year all right frankly i'd rather the dutch-esque adventure that is chubaca yes and fucking hans solo trying to get home for fucking life day dude i would love if there's a scene in this where fucking harrison ford's driving the millennium falcon and chubacca puts on the mess around and he starts dancing and and harrison ford's getting pissed off and pissed off and then he looks over and chubacca's

just turned into the devil and he's laughing at him because this could also be playing trains and automobiles And they stop at a space truck stop and... On Solo shows them a nudie deck. Yeah. They pick up some nice young, young girls because they're, because, oh yeah, Ord Mandel. Well, we're going that way anyway. It's on the way to Kishka. And then it's just like Harrison Ford, you know, the Han Solo is just like,

the wallet's gone. My next, my wall. Chewbaco, do you have your wallet? Goes through his fur. He should have. All that money on fireworks. They got conned by a bunch of call girls. Hussies.

Hussies. Tramps. Tramps and hussies and trallops. Or another variation on where this movie could have gone. They stop at a truck stop. And Harrison Ford and Chubacca have been kind of button heads for a while. And Harrison Ford is sick and tired of being around Chubaca. And he goes into the bathroom while Chubaca goes into the convenience store.

And he looks in the mirror and he tries to. to weigh his options. And then Han Solo comes out of the bathroom and he sees a lumber trucks pulled up, a lumber space truck. And he talks to the guy for a minute. You don't see what he says to him. And then they both get in the lumber truck and drive away. And as they drive away, Chubaka comes out of the convenience store like Karen Black at the end of five easy pieces. And he fucking left him in the parking lot. I would love it. I could picture it too. That'd be great. Lumber spaceship, we mean. yes it's a lover's spaceship excuse me i would love it i would absolutely love it i want that movie

rather instead i have another there's another musical interlude with some guy with a super long am i the only one who had this what what is it this guy he sings a song i had it don't yeah there's this guy who sings this super long song in the middle of this i think it's right before or right after i mean it is advertised there as a i think it's supposed to be a performance by jeff Jefferson Starship or something. Oh, it is. Yes, it is. That's another thing where...

Oh, this is the point I was getting at with the cartoon also, but it happens with the Jefferson Starship music video that's in this. Yeah, build shrug there. Yeah. Every time these things have to come up, all of the fucking, like, Gestapo that are in the house are like, hey, what are you watching? And they all gather around the idiot box and either watch the Star Wars cartoon.

they watched the entirety of the Jefferson Starship thing. And what's amazing is when they're over with, it just cuts back to Chewbacca's living room and no one acknowledges what they just watched. But no one has any opinion about like, oh, that was fun or anything. It's just like, let's pick back up where we left off. It's so insane.

It's like, wait, it's like an Imperial officer just watched part of a cartoon where Luke Skywalker was a hero and stuff. He's just like, oh, it's like, yeah. It's like, yeah, this Imperial officer just watched, like, rebellious. propaganda. Yeah. It was fine with it. Yeah. Like, that

kid should have his fucking neck broken for watching that shit. It is life day, sir. All right, we'll come back and kill him tomorrow. Yeah, okay. Here's your potato. We're coming back. The traditional potato. The traditional life day potato.

Speaking of cooking, there's a five-minute scene where you watch a fucking space cooking show. It's terrible. Harvey Corman and some get-up. I don't know what the- He's supposed to be like a four-armed alien Julia Child. And he's like a fucking Futurama joke. Yeah.

Yeah, it was that Salazar or whatever. It was like Emerald parody? Oh, yeah. I forget what it was. Yeah, I forget the guy. But this is like a Julia Child thing. And, you know, Harvey Corman, who plays like three different characters in this special. It's, I mean, ladies and gentlemen.

And I mean, Harvey Corman is fucking fun. He was great, man. Carol Burnett Show. Fucking hilarious, dude. And you know what he's. Not in this fucking show. Funny. At all.

Yeah. There's not a laugh to be found. At one point. And it's like Chewbacca's wife is trying to get like the recipe to make like a Bantha steak or something. And it goes on forever. It's over five minutes of you watching a character watch TV. Watch a fake space cooking show. This is what you wanted.

This is what you thought the American public. It sounds like you're rubbing George's nose. I really. Like, I, this is the one I don't understand. Think about the scrub of his neck and rub his nose. I really did. I would, like, boot in the back of the head, smell it. Whoa.

Jesus. And like, because what, on what planet are you thinking that somebody is going? Anybody is entertained by space Julia Child. But without any jokes. Not one fucking joke, dude. But you know what we are entertained by space be our thing. Oh, this let's, let's end the conversation. on this sequence so it wouldn't be a a festive holiday special without going to a little

canteena on a little desert planet called moss isley which by the way is also presented as as a broadcast on the television in this house yep it's like it's a tattooing transmission that's like showing the world how terrible it is on tattooing without the empire or something. It's some weird thing like it's a propaganda thing. It's like it's a pro empire

propaganda. Exactly. It's like the it's like the wire or something it's like look how oh my god look at this. Look at this wretched high of scum and villainy. B. Arthur's so here's B. Arthur right and like she's fucking I mean she was great she was great. Be Arthur was fantastic

but again I mean Someone who's made me laugh countless fucking times. Like, growing up, man, I watched a lot of golden girls. I totally did. I even watched a little bit of Golden Palace, which I don't, was she on Golden Palace? What the hell is Golden Palace? It was a spinoff where some of them opened a hotel. Are you fucking kidding me?

It sucked. I remember Golden Girls, and I remember there being a Golden Palace, but I remember who was. I have to see if B. Arthur was on the Golden Palace. But so she basically is the sole proprietor of the Moss Isley Cantina. And the fucking penis headband is back. They're playing their one song. Because the unspoken thing, I guess, is after the events of the first Star Wars film, and there's a dude with his arm cut off in this bar, Grito gets shot to pieces, this poor bartender.

He just had enough. He just fucking, he's like, I'm selling the place to be, Arthur, and I'm moving. I'm getting out of here. Oh, by the way, I corrected my suspicions about. the Golden Palace, 1992 to 1993. Only one season's worth of episodes, but it's

just Rue McClan, Betty, Betty, because at the end of Golden Girls, if I remember right, Ma, what are you doing? He's going off to open a hotel? Come on, Ma. Because B. Arthur, B. Arthur. Yeah, that's pretty good, B. Arthur's character gets married to Sam at the end of the show.

I believe his name was Sam. So she couldn't open this fucking dumb hotel. I remember somebody got married, but I didn't. know who it was so okay she's working at the canteen right and it's like she's like the sassy bar matron and whatnot and you know the

the penis head bands playing their tune and it's it's not great okay it's distinctly not great perhaps an off night for the canteen a band not really not really killing it Don Cherry didn't come in tonight

yeah it's really bad Don Sherry in the dick penis headpiece bands he says sometimes every once in well it just comes in um so the way they kind of make this you you feel the squeeze of the empire here is so they decree there's like an announcement that comes on the tv and here's this imperial commander who we see a little bit throughout the rest of the show and he basically says like listen uh there's there's too much um mustn't and fussing going on down down on your shitty planet so we're instituting a curfew effective immediately every tattooing resident has uh every every every mass isley resident

uh has to go to their house like you're done you can't be outside so the gag is b arthur's trying to get these drunk aliens to go home and they're just not listening to her so she has to sing a song about going home after after After begging them all, too, like, come on, remember, I've done so much for you. Oh, yeah. No, she has assorted history with all of these different aliens. Like, oh, remember that jam I got you out of? You owe me this favor.

It's like, what is she doing for these aliens? And she's also like, oh, my God, just seeing her, like, pouring a drink for, like, a hammerhead towed alien. Oh, God. And she's, what's great is, like, be Arthur, always the consummate professional. it's like going up to like these werewolf looking things and like fucking petting them and hugging them like you know oh i'm gonna miss you too you know and all this shit and she's singing this song that i want to believe yes it's called good night but not goodbye is the name of this tune and she's just singing to these things and then it's to the music of like it's that but like slow down jasify by Cole Porter

Yeah It's Cole Porter's fucking canteena jingle And what's amazing is this by the way this sequence lasts way longer than the canteena sequence lasts in the first movie But what you realize is this little penis head clarinet band only knows this song. It's the only song. This song. The set list is just one song. Get ready to hear the fucking

over and over and over again. Because this scene does not end and these guys only have the one tune. And then they got to slow it down so B. Arthur can sing. Do you think she's paying them for this? Or is this like an open mic?

I don't know. They're not getting tips. That's for sure. It's probably just a standing gig every Saturday you know yeah Tony Scott and the penis head trio are in here Tony Scott he went on to direct some stuff

oh yeah I guess that was a bad fake name to make up that was a real name of someone who committed suicide oh god I forgot about it yeah well anyway you know what I mean there's a there's a band leader he would have a name and then they're the the penis yeah really you really brought me down man now I just have this on my here you know what it's suicide here I'll I'll

bring you back up here's a little bit of b arthur's song just one more round friend than a homeward bound friend don't forget me in your dreams just one more song friend and then so long friend the nights get shorter it seems just one more rhyme friend yeah It's a crime, friend. But you know time, friend, time can fly. So it's midnight, friend. Good night, but not goodbye. Doesn't that make you feel better?

it's just it's so terrible she convinces everyone to leave the the the bar she buys them all another round oh that's yeah there's a there's a wave of applause there's one round on her and also by the way it's not like this bar's being condemned they just have to go home until the curfews lifted but it's like it's also like wait so they're showing this transmission to show how terrible life is on tattooing that the empire is shutting down this gleep-glop alien bar? Yeah, they kind of get a little bit of a mixed message thing going on here. Yeah, exactly.

Because that's what this whole thing is. It's like, let's say something, play something, and then it'll be completely different. Or unless what they're saying here is like, see, you can have a nice time out at your local canteena. But if you get too shitty and disobey us too much,

B. Arthur's going to sing a song. Sanctions. Curfews. You're getting it all. you know you're gonna start or it might also be like oh boy i mean aren't you glad you're here where you have to only deal with one weird looking alien race look at this planet god damn they're all here that's a real melting pot of the shitty aliens and werewolves devil heads yeah i love that guy fucking like but again like cops the bar on a holiday special like what is this grumpy old men like it it doesn't make any sense

and like you would want and by the way after this they wrap up the fucking wookie thing and it's nothing it's totally nothing oh yeah like they come home like they get there like solo gets chubaka there and they fucking kill all this like one stormtrooper gets like tossed off the fucking thousand foot tree yeah then they they're like oh who's 12 who's tree did that who's tree was he dead outside of, oh, the Chewbacca family? Oh, well, yeah, sent some reinforcements. Yeah, they'd burn it down. They should have been a, there should have been a scene of Han Solo and Chewbacca,

like throwing that corpse in a swamp. Get his head down, Chewy. You know what? This is great. This is great. Got the life day sacrifice right here, ready to go. Yeah, we got our life day roast. What do you think our religion is on?

What's amazing? I mean, the Harrison Ford acting especially in this scene is he's doing his best holiday special tone of voice because it's a lot of like you and your family are like family to me pal I'll always love the Baca clan you know and all this shit he hates himself so much dude I bet he was in a contractor he I was going to say he went into his trailer but there weren't any trailers on this he went into wherever dressing room at the studio and punched himself in the balls repeatedly until it was time for him to do a take again yeah I mean it's kind of like it feels like he's just kind of like trying to do what um andy coffman did when he met howdy duty like whenever he's talking to one of the fucking wookies he's just like boy i'm so happy to have met you this has been such a great time can i go now it's so dude it's so useless and then

like they all what's this is so stupid so like they all all the wookies i on cash walk into this big red ball spaceship thing you know i deal with this thing it's like it's heaven's gate promotional video it's the red matter yeah yeah they walk on the red matter and then it's just this huge room where they're all standing around and they all brought their life day presence with them and they're all done all over the place and then hansolo who's left the movie comes back leah's there skywalkers there they all roll in the fucking robots are there the two droids and the droids are about to like preside over the life day ceremony when the humans all walk in and they're like oh hey chubaka we were all worried about you but i guess uh you got

back safe and you can have your glorious life day and then carrie fisher treats us to a tune of a day to celebrate she just sings a song while they all stand there staring fucking blankly at nothing great holiday yeah and then it just like there's so much like we could do so much on There's layers. It's like an onion. It's the stinkiest most disgusting onion. And when you get to the end of this disgusting onion center, Carrie Fisher just sings a song.

Ugh. Oh, no amount of drugs in the world. Oh, yeah. I can't even imagine what joy you could ever extract from this. I'm sitting right here saying, like, it's a definite recommend. Like, you have to find this on the internet.

Because I, what I. But you got to find more, more the more drugs than in the world yeah i mean get all the drugs get all the drugs yeah do them all at the same time easy on the barbiturates like spice that's a big drug in dune and star wars right because hans solo got busted for dumping a load of spice at the first side of an imperial cruiser what a loser what a fucking amateur hour here's here's a deal if it's from the ground take it down That's what I'm saying. Do that and then find the Star Wars Holiday Special.

Let's preface that, you know, let's say only, we mean that only for residents of Washington and Colorado and the Netherlands and Uruguay. Uruguay and apparently the city limits of Portland, Maine. Oh, and I forgot, North Korea. That's right. It's legal. I'm just saying it's legal. Anyway, I mean, either that or Chuggababon. of whiskey like this it's you can't watch it sober because it's not going to hold your attention

you have to be spaced out in some way yeah i mean if you pay oh god help you you try to pay attention to it well because here's the thing right and this is what i i texted you about it eric when i watched it last night but it's like oh the first like feeling you have is because i'd never seen it before and i was like oh wow it's a new star war story with hansolo and chui and they're in the millennium falcon i mean that lasts six seconds and then you realize like the quality of it is so terrible that it's not going to be worth it anyway. And then all the recycled footage from the first movie is just there.

And you're like, oh, it's really that bad. But I mean, this is a seeing as believing. I mean, it's a rock and a hard place situation because yeah, you should see it. If only because George Lucas doesn't want anybody else to see it. Yeah, yeah, you have to see it out of spite. That's

the first thing. But here's the backlash on that. Uh-huh. Think in the future when, you know, when Well, no, when George Lucas has like fucking robots in his blood and he can live till he's 300. Definitely happened. And this kind of stuff happens. And we're in the minority report

future. Yeah. And you can like look at what people have seen their heads just to make sure that he gets rid of every trace of it. He'll start assassinating people who have seen it and are talking about it. So I'm telling you Oh, he's going to delete this

episode one day. So back it up on your head. Yeah. Make some copies of this. Hide it in some subfolders. He'll come for you. Yep. Don't think he won't come for you. He's coming for me. He's got nothing better to do. I'll gobble the world if I have to, Stephen. Buy him out, boys. And he

just breaks my computer. That's the Star Wars holiday special on this special edition of W.H.M. On screen, for more information about our several shows, check out our website WHModcast.com. Until next time, I'm Andrew Jupin. Chris Cabin.

Eric Siska. Take it easy. We're going to be. I don't know I'm going to be. Thank you. Thank you.