We Hate Movies - S6: WHM Summer Rerun - Addicted to Love

Episode Date: August 4, 2016

Original Air Date: April 9th, 2013 As the guys take a few weeks off, WHM goes into Summer Reruns! First up: an episode from several years back on the insane romantic comedy, Addicted to Love! How are we supposed to feel sympathy for Ryan and Broderick's characters here? Will anybody be wearing anyone's skin any point in this film? And poor, poor Tchéky Karyo! PLUS: The guys are on vacation, but it sure is hot in the Asphalt Jungle! Addicted to Love stars Matthew Broderick, Meg Ryan, Tchéky Karyo, Kelly Preston, and Maureen Stapleton; directed by Griffin Dunne.Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Check all the crowd of holly La la la la la la la la la We're so excited to be jolly La la la la la la Hey gang big news in the world of We Hate Movies live appearances In this one Well you better get your holiday code on

Because it's not happening until December We're so excited It's actually a hometown show for this Jersey boy Only you Jersey City's beautiful White Eagle Hall We hosting the We Hate Movies podcast and we're going to be talking about a Christmas movie. Eric Siska, what is that movie?

Oh, my God. It is the Santa Claus, the original film. I don't know. Is it original? Yeah, it's original. The first one. Tim Allen, yes. Finds a fat so false office roof.

Yep. We're going to be talking all about it on December 7th, which is a day that will live in infamy at the White Eagle Hall. I mean, it incidentally lives. We're going to be able to be. I'm going to be able to be. I'm going to be. You're going to be able to be.

Well, it sure is nice being on vacation, being away from the grind of recording a podcast every week. I am making. Right this second. Probably. It is summer. It is a delicious vacation where I can still work 45 hours a week. Oh, man. Making that hustle.

Loving it, dude. Loving it. Sweat and sack on the streets of New York. That's that boy, the city just boils. Spending my life on a train. Oh, yeah, dude. But you know what? We're here to introduce the WHM summer reruns.

Oh, I love these. These are so nice. Sure. These are previously released episodes from years ago that a lot of people have written in and say, hey, like, can we get this on the main feed? Can you highlight this again? Yeah. This was a gangbuster.

So here we are to kick off. Oh, Gangbuster, like the early 1980s comic book from DC Comics, Gangbuster. Yeah. We'll take your word for it Someone's been enjoying vacation Oh man I got a little sweet comic book It's a big stack

I'm gonna get through them all So speaking of creepy nerds It was addicted to love Starring Matthew Broderick Correct and Meg Ryan Remember her And hey remember Chris Cabin This is a Chris Cabin episode

Oh right of course Chris Cabin by the way There's a little bit of rumors on the internet Like oh is he going to be in the next episode He was, you know, at the end of the last episode, Eric gave him that lightsaber and he didn't say anything. It was kind of weird. Yes, very confusing. The new season will start right when that picks up.

Exactly. No, no. It's, he's back for good. Yeah, he's back. But he's on this episode. This is kind of, this will be a horror-ish summer rerun month. And this is a fucking horror movie. It really is.

It's the scariest one of the bunch. I mean, this is a movie. It's a horror movie fucking. waltzing around Hollywood as a romantic comedy, and I won't stand for it. This is scary as fuck. It's some Buffalo Bill shit. It really is. So don't stand for it.

Sit for it and listen and enjoy. That's right. So enjoy addicted to love, and we'll be back afterwards. It's just, I mean, the problem is, I love the 90s. And I'll revisit them any old time I want. On VH1 or other ones. Other avenues. but this it doesn't even employ it's a wonderful 90s setting aside from really like outrageous

haircuts and clothes that really don't make a whole lot of sense women wearing goggles on their head for no reason it's like half this cast just like raided lenny cravitz's wardrobe because it's just like there's these jackets everywhere these hair is all tied back in different ways it's that and every shirt the 90s is like that simsons line uh and i think this racing It's pretty sharp because there's just a stripe on something that doesn't necessarily need a stripe. By the way, the film is addicted to love from 1997, have not mentioned that yet. Actor Griffin Dunn's directorial debut starring Matthew Broderick and Meg Ryan right before she lost her marbles. I mean, because that's just, it's right there.

You can look at the timeline and you're like, oh, man, all that's left is you've got mail, and then she threw her life away. I mean, yeah, she lost her marbles, but she never really went to, like, you know, when you lose your marbles, you usually go and look for them. Yeah, now she didn't bother. And she just was just like, nah, no, I'm fine.

She's John Cougar Mellencamp. It's like there was a bad breakup and then, like, just nothing else ever worked for her. And just, but she's been freaking Ryan, like, figure it out. Totally. You had to have some offers from something. You know what, though? She did that fucking terrible plastic surgery.

That'll get you every time. Yeah, I kind of imagined that were, that, that played out like that scene in Batman. It's just, I did the best I could do, but these utensils. She's just laughing in a mirror. Peter Laurie did her plastic surgery. That's what you're saying. That guy's doing a Peter Laurie impression. Yeah, he definitely is.

So the gist of this movie is Matthew Broderick is an astronomer who is dating Kelly Preston. He's very comfortable living in normal Ohio. She moves to the big city for an opportunity to. teach or something and she leaves him for somebody else he moves to the city and creepy hijinks occur creepy hijinks okay this thing strikes fear in my heart because you think someone might be doing it to you right now if it's possible that people could do this like i'm i'm shaken to my very core well this is pre like advanced internet you know so if anything people can do a whole lot worse, a whole lot easier

these days, you know what I mean? Yeah, you don't have to send away for an astronomy kit. You just need to, like, you know, log on the internet. You don't have to bring, you don't have to bring a camera obscura to a shit house in New York. All right. So, you know, we start off. Matthew Broderick is, he's not

like the head scientist at this observatory, but he's pretty up there. He's the hot shot. He is the hot shit. And it's like, it's very clear. Like, he's, like, his boss is just like, what do you doing? Why are we looking at this galaxy? It's boring. And he said, no, no, wait, there's going to be a supernova. And he's like, well, that doesn't make sense because we chart that shit. We would know that. He's like, oh, there it is. And it's like, oh, well, you know,

what are you using magic? Like, how do you figure out a supernova of what a computer can? Yeah, the guy's clearly like, yeah, I understand it could go supernova. But I mean, it could happen now or it could happen 100 million years from now. And he's like, well, actually, it's going to happen right now. You're welcome. Check the air temperature. Yeah, it's going to raise. There's going to be a supernova for sure. I discussed it with God

last night and he told me actually that tomorrow is supernova. Now what is the start of, you know, you sort of see like the seed planting of all his little creepy, creepy creepiness. I don't even know. It's, I mean, it's fucking creep town,

creep city, creep fill, the whole thing. He uses the resource as he has at this observatory to spy on his girlfriend and children? Well, it's a cute thing. At first, it's like, oh, he's like, it's 12 o'clock. And everyone in the Reservatory, by the way, this observatory is staff to the gills. People are running up and down. There's like 30 people like, oh, hey, Sam, it's 12 o'clock.

Here we go, 12 o'clock. And he goes to, he rearranges the entire freaking thing to look down at Kelly Preston. And she's waving. She's like, hey, Sam, happy 12 o'clock. See you later. No, yeah. Are we being led to believe that this is an everyday thing? Yes, it is an everyday thing. And this boss is outraged. She's like flabbergasted. Is this the dude's like first day on the job? How does he not know about it then?

I don't know. He's just, I don't think he's in the observatory. I think he's like back at the office doing all the, you know, administrative work. Oh, I see. He's like the district manager of the observatory. And like, well, he's like running the class trips when they come to like look at the star. domes and all that stuff. Yeah, after 89, he started riding a desk because things got a little too heavy. Over at the Observatory. So I won't too many supernovas.

You know, I was just like you, Matthew Broderick. Hot shit astronomer. Then one day I started using my high-powered telescope to start looking at people in the town. Next thing, I knew I was riding that desk. My pension was erased. You better watch it, son. You better watch it.

Brian De Palma's the watcher. God, I'd love it. your telescopes writing checks your body can't cash or something you're gonna burn out before that star boy actually that would kind of be the whole that's kind of like body double you just see some girl get killed with a drill yeah you're man I wish someone got killed with a drill in this movie I would say all got killed with the drill so Kelly Preston's like hey man I have this job opportunity of sorts it's not like a job offer it's like I'm gonna go be it's like a teacher exchange program just just listen to this explanation remember i told you they were going to pick a teacher to represent the district of the school in new york new york you yeah that's great so you're like you won a contest to go be a teacher in a new york city school representing what it's 40 seconds into this movie and i'm like okay she's a teacher got that and now i'm going to new york bye oh go hold on wait wait why is she going to new york what is the con

What did she write a lesson? Was it an essay thing? This is written by Leslie or something? Why I want to teach at a different school than the one I already did by Kelly Preston. Ugly children. Period. Lick and stamp. Well, she does wind up working at some school that's like right off of Washington Square Park.

So like it's a nice area. Yeah, I want to teach affluent children. These poor kids are just boring. I'm sick of these corn husk and mother. And it's like, oh man, it's been my dream this whole, my whole life. And he's like, you know, I'm an astronomer. There's not a lot of places to do that.

I can't really just pack up and go to New York for two months. So I'll just see you when you get back. And that's, that's okay, right? I'll just see you when you get back. Well, he makes she's like, if you say, if you tell, I've been in love with you since we were in elementary school. And if you tell me not to go, I won't go. Yeah. Don't go.

Yeah, grade school sweethearts, by the way, as if that's not a fucking recipe for disaster. Nothing else. You know nothing. Well, I guess that's how Matthew Broderick wears him down. He's the first guy at that party. Well, I was actually thinking about this because, you know, Matthew Broderick, obviously, Ferris Bueller is his biggest movie.

But what Sam, that's his character in this, what he is, is what he's worried, Cameron's going to become in Ferris Bueller? Yeah, just a dude who does. He doesn't want to leave his town. He's just going to have sex with one person. Yep. And then he's going to run his life around that person. So, yeah, she leaves for New York.

There's a really ridiculous pre-9-11. Like, he's driving on the runway after the plane. As if what, Matthew Broderick? She's going to jump off. The last thing you want to do for your sexy girlfriend as she goes away for two months is show her how needy you are. Like, you want to be fucking cool cat, cool. you know what I mean? Totally. Like, all right, it's cool. I'll see you in two months.

Yeah, no, I love you. That's fine. I'm really happy for you. Not like, come back. Come back. Come back. Come back. Come back. Yeah, I got the guys. Maybe, you know, maybe we'll get drinks with you dean at the office. I don't know. I'll just see what's going to happen. You enjoy that two months, though. She's already stepping out for a breath of fresh air for two months. You don't want to also be like, yeah, you're right. It should just be her being, like her leaving and him being. at the airport maybe a flower like a kiss on the cheek yeah this shit is ridiculous well i mean because so i mean they're probably what like in their early thirties and they've been in love since grade school so she's all he's known and vice versa for like what 25 years like just take a little bit of air everybody but he just won't have well he probably has to face it he

is addicted to love for sure you might as well face it yeah i did it so In the first round of shittiness of this Kelly Preston character, she sends him a dear John letter as he's like getting the whole town ready for her return. Like he's having some city manager hang this banner. Like, it's a bit much. They're Dimley's favorite children. Like, we're fine. Don't worry.

We're the future of this town. But it's also an I'm done with it a gram because. Because she sends her father to, like, and of course he's known, Matthew Broderick's known him his entire life, apparently. Oh, yeah. And he just walks in, like, the father's weirdly already sitting at the dinner table. Like, he kind of just walked, it's kind of a walk-in. It's a walk-in. But, I mean, you know, it's a small town.

He's definitely not locking that door kind of a thing. And the dad's just like, ah, hey, listen, she gave me this letter to read to you. So I'm going to read it now. And it's basically like, hey, I met someone else because it's the first time I've been away in ever, and I realize what life can be. We're both adults, and I'm sure you're going to get over this very soon and find somebody who loves you and could live this life with you. But like, fucking have a backbone lady, all right? Like, just at least if you're going to send the letter, just send the letter. I don't want to have to deal with your dad while I'm doing it.

You know what I mean? Like, no. Especially now that we're broken up, I don't want to see your dad anymore. And, you know, something like this happens to a person. that's when you just put on the big old eat shit okay and you just you know what fine you're going to do that and then you're going to

send a letter about it informing me that you're doing that fine I'm going to go out find the first piece of strange get involved in that really just start trying to erase you from my life all of those observatory interns are getting to know you is this for credit

yeah yeah it's for credit no he's going to the nearest like big city and finding some weird prostitute, some Matthew Broderick prostitute, whatever that looks like. Whatever it may be. Whatever it may be. I'll leave at that. But instead

he hops on a plane immediately to New York City. The dad still read the letter and he's like, I'm packing my bags. I got to go. I'm going to find her and kill. I mean, I got to find her and talk to her. I'm going to bring this knife. I'm just going to bring this knife. I'm not going to use it. Look, this rope is just for

safety. I don't want to get lost in the big city. I'm going to tie myself to her so we don't get separated. It's a big town. He's a leader of cyanide enough. Is it, uh, okay. I can never remember how much it takes to knock a full grown adult out. Yeah, but she is pretty thin. Ah, leader's fine.

And so he goes to New York and through a completely unbelievable, implausible means, tracks her down. This is a mismanaged monologue. I'll tell you that much. Like, the next four scenes, like it's like all different parts. in New York and like nobody knows it's just music and he's like talking to people they're like pointing at things like pointing at things like

how are you finding this woman he goes to the hotel she said she was staying with for staying at for like the first couple weeks I think yeah and then it's just yeah it's like the bar that she goes to and some lady at the hotel somehow knew

what bar he was talking about like and let's be clear okay in New York city we don't meddle in other people's business like you come up to me like oh hey you're staying in this hotel why yes i am oh do you happen to know this woman that was also state no no i don't get away from me please that's not even a new york thing that's just a life thing if some guy comes in all out of breath like hey you know what this woman is you just go you know i don't think i do i don't think i don't think i don't appreciate your tone right now lunatic do you have a badge or a subpoena of some sort let me see some credentials So he tracks her down miraculously, and she's living in Soho, with this Frenchman played by what is the dude's name? A Czechic Cario. The bad guy and bad boys. He's also the Russian general and golden eye.

He's Mel Gibson's French friend and the Patriot. Oh, that's right. With the weird ass Napoleon hat. Well, that's what they wore back then. every single one of them and like and this is the setup for the rest of the movie

is like he's gonna go and talk to her and like this is it's that thing right where it's like it's a movie so like actually them talking is it a good idea because we don't have a movie

because you're like you know you're just kind of Matthew Broderick and I don't want to fuck you anymore so he rings the bell and the bell is broken and it's like this really awkward thing that he hears this guy

so he runs away like a little kid the next day or an hour later you just knock at the door and be like hey what's going on like that's yep that's the human being thing to do but instead he finds this like flop house across the street and decides takes it upon us to break in so he's a better view of what they're doing in there let me just I could go knock at the door but I just want to see what's going on across the street and it's a total home alone two situation like this is just a dilapidated empty house and like I'm sorry yeah There's a building like this in 1997 Soho, and there's not homeless people and tweakers just shitting and fucking in this building.

Stop. Just stop. First night, he's getting shived. Oh, yeah. Oh, absolutely. And that is the optimistic idea of what's going to go. And of course, like, because this is a dumb movie, by the end of it, he's kind of living in a pad that's sort of enviable. Like, it's obviously still disgusting.

But, you know, I've kind of visited worse apartments in New York City than what this turns out to be. Like, he really gets settled in. I mean, you look like Matthew Broderick and you sleep in a dilapidated building in New York City. You're lucky if you don't wake up in Albania. You don't know what's going to happen. There are people looking for you just all the time. Your name is Lisa now. Repeat after me.

Lisa. Oh, no. And you have nookiness. what a mistake that one guess I should have got over her oh well so he starts just spying on them and he's got some binoculars

that he's using and you know because remember everybody he's an astronomer and he loves looking at magnified objects well it's all this pattern bullshit like he's got he has an actual table of smiles.

Yeah, it's like, oh, if she has like a full smile, you know, I'm going to check box one. If she's got like a straight smile, it's box two. And it means that she's thinking this while she's doing it. Oh, boy. I've been mounting this research since we first met. Yeah, exactly. Like you, that is.

And by the way, that's why she left. She found the smile chart. I got to go to New York for vague reasons. Don't talk to me again. And, you know, we're going to. get to it more, but the alternative title for this movie, and what it may have been called in like Turkey or some shit, is Buffalo Bill the motion picture, because there's going to, we're going to get to all sorts of things of this movie where he just might as well be tucking his dick

between his legs and strutting around this apartment. He's terrified. It's a terrifying situation. He's got all sorts of graphs about what their emotions might be. And he calls his friend at the observatory. He's like, yeah, I'm not going to go back to work for a while. Hey, Ted, can you do me a solid? And this guy sends him like a million dollars worth of observatory equipment. It's a camera obscure, which is a thing that, you know, takes in light and, you know, reflects it through a series of mirrors and projects it out onto a different surface. Fine. So he sets this up and calibrates it perfectly in this flop house. And he points it at the report. apartment and starts watching them

on the wall. I would kind of love it if like and just every once a while in the scene like you're watching the scene of him like putting together this camera obscure just in the background you start seeing like people come up and like are like slowly shambling towards him and like just

you don't have to do anything with it necessarily but just to know that like this place is infested with the homeless people and at night they're just touching him and fucking playing with the obscura. Okay, I'll tell you how you make this movie better, right? It's like, you're watching, you're watching the French dude and Kelly Preston, like, you know, canoodling around this apartment and whatnot.

And then it cuts back to Matthew Broderick and he's like on the couch with popcorn like, oh boy. And then it goes back to them. And then when it cuts back to him with the popcorn, there's just that midget and the little boy sailor suit from insidious. Just dancing like it does in that movie is the fucking creepiest thing you've ever seen. in your life? Like, if you just kept adding characters from Insidies, the red-faced demon fucking Darth Molls standing there? That's what that movie just lost me.

I think that movie's a great horror movie, but once Darth Moll shows up, I'm like, all right, everybody. No way, dude. When it cuts to Patrick Wilson and Darth Molls just hanging out behind him, I shit my ever-loving pants. No, when he goes to his layer, though, when he's playing the piano.

He's sharpening his nails. Yes, when he turns out to be the funk, of the op-roll. Yeah, yeah, no, that it lost me when they go to a hell dimension. But everything before the hell dimension is phenomenal. Addicted to love. But so at this point, he's just watching his girlfriend and he's just waiting it out. I'll just stick here and make sure she's dead.

I mean, make sure she breaks up with this guy. And like, their house gets broken into and he's like, oh, no, wait a minute. I think I want this to have. Yeah, because the possibility of like, well, maybe he'll just kill them and I can go home and start watching the stars again. And it's like some, it looks like maniac cop, by the way. It's like an all leather outfit with a motorcycle helmet and you're like, oh, that's weird. But it's this motorcycle figure that he has seen before. Like he sees this person right when he gets in, like the motorcycle pulls up into the intersection in front of the building.

and it's like a hurr okay speeds away encounters this the next day through a kind of a creepier thing there's like someone on the roof and he's got the audacity to be like now get out of here I've got to shoot you it turns out this is Meg Ryan

she sees him looking at her from across the way oh you're right that night she just comes right in because it's an abandoned building how lucky is it that the person that challenges his flop house ownership is Meg Ryan because that's the only person

he's more physically intimidating them like that's it. She would kick his ass though in this movie but statistically speaking okay you are laying down in this fucking Soho flop house all right? The odds that the

person breaking in through the skylight is a beautiful Meg Ryan and not some homeless dude that's like all right I'll leave you alone you just got to let me piss in your mouth. It's so astronomical that it's a pretty lady. What an economy that is. All you got to give me is half your teeth.

Not half a tooth, just half of all your teeth. Are we clear? Delicious. So Meg Ryan like, you know, swoops in from the ceiling. Yeah, she matrixes herself down. It's hard making that one a verb. It sure was. And she's trying to play it like cool and weird.

So she pops in, takes the helmet off. You're like, oh, Mel Gibson. Meg Ryan, that's cool. And then she starts like, she has swung down with like an electrical cord that she's somehow wired outside to whatever. And she's like, like, screwing in light bulbs, give some light from this place. And he's like, hey, what are you doing here? This is my fly pass. And she's like not saying anything to him and trying to be real creep about it.

And what we learn from all of this is that the French guy is her ex-fiance that he left her for Kelly Preston. And she's been stalking him and then he's been stalking her. So they're bound to be in love with each other. And the key difference is, whereas he won't admit that he wants her dead. Meg Ryan's like, you know, screw this guy. I'm out to ruin his life. He's a pig, blah, blah, blah.

One thing on the Buffalo Bill checklist is, He's saving all these cockroaches, which is a two-prong. Well, it comes into play later, but it's also something that-Gryffin-Dun smartly shows you very early. And he's like, look, this guy wouldn't even hurt a fly. Like, that's what it's, it's trying to show you like, this guy ain't going to kill her everybody. It's just kind of a wacky situation. Right. We've got, he wouldn't even hurt a cockroach.

And to be on the safe side, when all these times he's, like, peering through windows and telescopes and camera obscuring. and probably jerking off. Oh, no, he's rear-windowing this entire thing. The whole time, though, we have this score that's like, like, bum-pum-pum-pum-pum-pum-pum-bun like the most playful humdrum mouse-hunt score. Just so you know, he's not going to kill her and wear her skin. It's literally by Daddy Elfman's mentally challenged brother, Chauncey Elfman. It's just almost Daddy Elfin's.

but it's just a little stupider. So they team up, and it's like, all right, we have a mutual interest in being creeps here. So let's start observing what's going on. And then Meg Ryan's like, also, by the way, I've got this plan to start fucking with him a little bit.

And then they, they sit on a couch in front of a wall for almost the entire movie. Well, he's, he's already certain that they're going to break up because of his smile chart. and he's like, no, they're going to break up tomorrow because my friend, the Lord, told me.

Some word-ass shit. They're going to break up tomorrow because the death-head moths told me so. You ever look at butterflies the way I look at butterflies? When she's a great big fat person? I just need help getting those couch in this van. You might help me with my poor broken arms. You're about a size 10, right? You don't know a fucking dog alone

You don't fucking hurt my dog You don't know what pain is So That's our Ted Levine Little interlude So Meg Ryan has said Oh hey man By the way

You've got this camera obscure thing going on Well I'll one up you on this I have a satellite bug pointed At their apartment So now we can also listen to everything that's going on How'd you get that? Who cares? She steals money from him

Ooh, that burns me That's what it is Because they're on the roof And she's setting this up And Matthew Broadwick's like No, this is wrong I could watch them But I'm not listening

And he takes this two by four And he's about to Jim Doug in this thing And she's just like Hey, I wouldn't do that You paid for it And he opens his wallet Like a little moth flies out He's like, oh no, you robbed me

Don't worry, I rob everybody Aren't I a wonderful character Don't you want to get behind me for a hundred minutes? 100 minutes. My goodness. So the first example of like just how powerful this bugging equipment is. She's sitting there with headphones on and he's like, hey, what are they talking about? This is wrong.

And she's like, oh, they're just talking. It's fine. He's like, I want to hear it. And she fucking undoes the headphones and it's them just having some loud sex. When she says, of course, oh, no, she's being murdered. Yeah, it's like, you just don't know what good sex sounds like. And he says exactly this. No, she's not like that.

She likes to make love quiet and slow and gentle. Ew. Right into the W.H.M. Mailbag. If you would like, slow, quiet, pristine. unswety sex. It's the kind of sex that wouldn't make a ripple on a lake if you did it in a boat. She only loses one piece of clothing when we do it. Most of the time, it's a sock.

It's the equivalent of dropping a cotton ball on a big shag carpet. Won't make a noise. Isn't that sexually exciting? So he is like holding his ear. like it's some sort of like zero dark 30 torture room thing and then she's like this is really messed up because yeah he's like seizing and she's like oh yeah cheese and she's like taking his picture he's like no flash new a flash and he's just flipping the fuck out and then she's she uses this to be like see it's not as innocent as you think it is and she loves it so then that sort of gets him on board to be like okay i'm ready to mess with them too i guess i'll murder him too just kill them both hey ever see wonderland so cut to they uh kelly preston and and the frenchman uh whose name i just can't

Anton, and who is Kelly Preston's character? Oh, who knows? Object face. Because the whole problem with this movie is like, if your girlfriend cheats on you and then does whatever, and it's not with somebody that you actually have a binding agreement, like a friend or a parent or something, it's all on your girlfriend.

Why do you hate the other guy? It's not like, I mean, you don't want to hang out with that, dude. But at the same time, like being like, oh, that man stole her away from me. Exactly. Like, listen, that dude, while it probably wasn't entirely on the up and up, but like, that dude's not the film. This dude didn't do anything. This dude is just living. Yeah, exactly.

Be upset with Linda. Well, the thing is, is that, like, the movie takes the same, like, weird tone as Matthew Broderick. Because Matthew Brochrick still thinks she's like this angelic thing. Like, it's just this intangible thing. And it must be Anton that's corrupting her. And the movie doesn't do anything to be like, no, he's kind of a fucking lunatic. So instead of just like

making this as weird as it really is, they're just like, oh no, she's just kind of perfect too. Yeah. Oh, yeah. She was led us straight by this dirty Frenchman. So they decide Linda and Anton, they're going to go to the Hamptons for the weekend. And this allows Meg Ryan and Matthew Broderick

to break into their apartment and conduct probably the weirdest Burglary in human history. It's not even a burglary. You wish it was a burglar. Yeah, honestly, I really wish they just robbed them out of house and home, but that is not what happens. Yeah, if somebody gave me a, like, a choice of what happens right here and then somebody taking all of my possessions, I'd say take all my possessions. But it's just so much worse, because Meg Ryan's...

I'd be out $800. $800 and a whole lot of comic books. So Meg Ryan's whole plan is like, listen, if we can... can make it look like Anton is a philanderer to her. She'll leave him. His life will be ruined and you can get Linda back. So they go to the apartment and they're like, all right, you know, let's

plant some things to make it look like they're having an affair. Let's fucking Michael Clayton this place real quick. First of all, they're wasted. Or no, Meg Ryan's really wasted. Matthew Brad is like, ooh, brown whiskey. It burns. You know, like Meg Ryan's like three sheets

to the wind, ready to get into some trouble. And he's like, oh, I think the whiskey went bad. Is it the big boy drink? And so they're wandering around. Big Ryan immediately takes off her underwear and hucks it

at Matthew Broderick and she's like stuff it in the couch. Hey, I got a great idea. Put that in the couch. And Matthew Broderick's looking at these panties like, well, what am I supposed to do with these? I can't wear them or can I

say? Hey, better put him in the couch like she said. And then she's like going around. By the way, they have encountered Anton once on the street already in a pretty sweet grift pickpocketing situation. Well, that's, at this point, I was like, oh man, is this movie going to be them wearing a bunch of disguises, which I'd kind of rather, to be quite honest.

I've never desired disguises in a movie more than I have here. Well, because if you're going to do the whole quirk factor, go for it, man. Go straight for it. Do it up. You're right. Like he plays a Texas oil baron or something And he's up Let's sit down now

Let me tell you something Yeah like the gags that are in like the latter oceans movies Yeah Oh yeah Like fucking you know Where Matt Damon's wearing a really big fake nose Or George Cooney's got that fucking ridiculous Fake mustache in that third one

And you know it's funny It's a real lucky thing that the cast The characters in trading places Are really good improv comedians They all just They all rise to the occasion. This guy that's been like a buttoned-up banker is doing this Jamaican accent. Like, what the fuck happens in the last hour of that movie?

So not to get off track to this really, really gross burglary situation. What they do is Matthew Broderick bumps into Anton on the street and they pretend to have some words or he gets in his face. And Meg Ryan, you know, steals the old credit card out of his wallet. And then Matthew Broderick. sucker punches them in the face because it just got away for me I'm just real sorry so that's what happened so they use

his credit card to buy all these flowers and jewelry and this that and the other thing and she's like stick the receipts all over the house and then she'll find them and by the way they're doing a real sloppy job of being in this house like she's knocking over books she's like she's wasted she's like she breaks that glass

like oh fuck well whatever maybe an angel did it and by the way like the problem is this woman's unbalanced and like she's really cute and quirky like this is the kind of woman that cries herself to sleep you know what I mean like why doesn't he love like this was a woman to get scary a lot you know well she had to train herself to become a pick pocket because people just can't do that no like she takes the wallet out of his pocket steals the credit card and puts it back in all while Matthew Broderick's like oh you shouldn't have bumped into me and whatever like

she went through some real trouble after this break up. Well, I mean, this is obviously post-institute for her. Which time. Which, I mean, it might be post-institute for Matthew Broderick as well because we don't get much of a backstory. No, but she's clearly already been the girl interrupted. And so they're walking around this apartment. And so she's doing most of the, like, I'm going to make him look like a philanderer because Matthew Broderick is too busy hanging out in the bathroom, smelling all the things that Kelly Preston puts on her body.

And he's like, oh, oh, oh, oh. And it's really, really a good. And he starts putting on her makeup. He takes this huge huff of her fucking, a lufa. Oh, my God. The lufa is like, he thinks there's a soul trapped in this. And the only way to extract it from the lufa is to suck it up through his nose. There is that little ball in the middle of the luf and he's just like, wait, it's got a break.

It's got a break. I mean, it is a two-handed, and, like, Matthew Broderick is acting really cartoony right here. And then he's like, he's just putting her makeup on. He's got like a, like a, like a, some sort of like powder applicator. I don't know what makeup things are called, but he's like brushing his face with it, like, oh, it tickles. And it smells like her. would you fuck me I'd fuck me

oh yeah that song should be on and he starts dancing around he finds a skirt of hers on the bathroom floor and he like puts it on in front of him and he's like dancing around in it like oh yeah

my girlfriend used to be so hot when I'm wearing her clothes I'm kind of like her he does that thing that Buffaloville does where he pulls his shirt out his nipples They're just like both pierced for some reason. I mean, it's so weird. And Meg Ryan, I keep you saying Mel Gibson.

Meg Ryan, like, kind of steps into frame at one point. And he's looking through the mirror. And it's like out of focus, a long-haired blonde. It's supposed to be Kelly Preston. And he's like, oh, no, she's home. Turn around. And it's Meg Ryan just wearing one of her, like, 90s and whatnot. And she's just like,

What's going on in this bathroom? I had the best idea. I'll make a woman suit. That'll show them. That'd be swell. It would be great if he just like he trades in the camera obscure for a sewing machine. And she's just like, how is this supposed to help a spy on them? Don't worry, you'll see.

If you're my disguise, I'm going undercover as Linda. I'm going under your, under their skin. By the way, what is Buffalo Bill's end game? You're making this woman suit. Are you expecting to go into a regular bar and people like, Auga, look at that deformed monster. Hear there, gentlemen, see anything you like. That is so funny that you said that because watching this last night,

I had this same thought because I was thinking about silence of limbs because this movie's terrible. And I was like, yeah, what is Buffalo? bill doing also is it just going to be like one lady suit or like a whole wardrobe is he trying to fill a walk in closet like or is it just the one and if it is just the one it's going to get worn out eventually well because you do see the shot of it at towards the end of that movie uh-huh and i mean like if i were to touch that thing i know it's not real skin right you're not like, oh, it's L. McPherson. That's right.

It is El McPherson. This is the texture of like John Madden's skin. I don't need this. Is she a great big sports announcer? So to cap off the creepiness of this little break in here, this total vertigo moment. It's really unsettling. They put on their clothes and fuck each other in their bed.

They put on the clothes, like he puts on his clothes that I'll be Ed Todd for you. If you be Linda for me. And they start making out and you realize like things are going where they're going to go. Like they fall onto the bed. And it's like a, it's fading to black. And you just hear him say, Oh, she'll end up. I hate you, Anton.

Oh, well, that is just adorable. Griffin done no way get ready lay back Meg Ryan for some quiet Matthew Broderick sex quiet quiet quiet there it is I can't concentrate if you're looking at me don't be looking at me like that all the lights need to be on isn't that romantic no music no music nothing. Hold this life bomb here. Just don't be seen. So

she wakes, they wake up, it's like the next morning, because they sleep over, by the way. They are so fucking comfortable. I mean, it's a good thing. The other two didn't have car trouble and had to come home. And this is really heinous for Matthew Broderick's character because he opens

his eyes like, oh, what a great night that was. He opens his eyes to Meg Ryan's staring down frowning at him like a real wish i could wipe that one from the books i thought i had a lot of wine didn't have enough wine didn't have enough wine to get me where i'm going and then erase it right after it happened and she's like all right listen uh let's clean up because we threw a lot of the stuff all over the floor and made a huge mess of this place and he's like well listen i thought you know we should probably talk about what happened and she's like no no that is not going to

happened because nothing happened we're not talking about shit and this is kind of her character train it's like at one point she was this wonderful doe-eyed woman and then all of a sudden this guy came and ruined her and now she she can't let anyone get close and like they telegraph it so like that's matthew product's epiphany that happens an hour and 37 minutes into this movie yeah exactly telegraph it so clearly for minute fucking one you're like come on everybody well the scene she does the whole she tells the whole story about how he'd been he got with her to get his visa to America and the whole thing or majigger. Which, okay, I'm sorry for you this character.

But you know who's not just getting with Meg Ryan for a visa? Everyone who could ever have a chance at getting with a 1997 Meg Ryan, not believable whatsoever. If you're not American hero Dennis Quaid, no, no, no, there isn't. I can see like a hot Ukrainian woman getting with the dude who played Radar O'Reilly on MASH. That's a green card situation. Absolutely. Not this like hunky French dude and Meg Ryan.

Like, no, not a thing. He's kind of like a French Harvey Keitel. He's a French Harvey Keitel. It's a, it's a Harvey Keitel mixed with that dude, the English actor David, something. rather from the omen he's the dude that gets decapitated oh yeah uh oh david warner yeah yeah that's the guy anyway that's what he looks like um so the next part of this movie is what the movie with the writer the director you know the story tries to make happen is to really vilify this anton character and you know how they decide to do it by explaining to you the audience what a super american

success story this dude is like yeah what a real scumbag everybody he's i mean it's like it's the french like lethario stereotype of like oh my god they come over here and steal our women and like you know like that thing and like but he he runs this really great restaurant he like he's like i came you like matthew broadwick applies to be a dishwasher right and he's like oh you're homeless i let you come into my house he's like i let you come in and he's like i once had nothing but i worked really hard and i got what i needed Like the audience is going to be howling at the screen. He doesn't make love soft quietly.

He fucks her, like three times in this movie. And it's like, it's so pointedly that he's like much better at sex than Matthew Project is. Like they spend way too much time on this, making him into the perfect man. Which also they do. And like, they said Megron, Meg Ryan's even like, oh my God, that was some fucking premiere sex. She mentions that his penis is the size of Godzilla's tail, by the way. She says the only way that Kelly Preston is leaving him is if a blast of semen catapults her over to the other house. Yes, she would be shot across the street and through presumably two different sets of windows.

And I hate to break it for all of you at the end of your seat, but they get together at the end, Meg Ryan and Matthew Broder. and like for that to not be a really bad relationship he didn't still take a class or read a book on like how to pleasure someone like with all the force of a hiccup here I come well I think what you're supposed to buy by the end of this movie is that

you know he's left normal Ohio and he's been living in hardcore New York for so long that he's you know he's been really stepping up his game in the fuck department you know what I'm saying Yeah, you're just living there It's New York City You live in Soho

A mean fucking streets Manhattan represent Like it's just I mean he is supposed to be like From this to this Like it's not that much of a bump up But it's a little bit From zero to point five

Now I just have it in my head That New York would have like A Brazil type Buck Department The NYFD Congratulations You're Registered the fuck in the five boroughs.

Way to go, Broderick. Here's your fuck card. It expires monthly, so remember to re-up if you know what I'm saying. Go Yankees. God. I hate fake New York movies, man. It's just the worst. So this dude's got this great restaurant.

He hires Matthew Broderick as a dishwasher because Matthew Broderick, you know, is just like, I'm looking for work. I'm such a nice guy. I'll take a chance on you. And you're like, ha-ha, take that Frenchie. You fucking frog. And so he's doing a good job and everything.

And one night he's like mopping the floor. And the dude's like, by the way, I remember you. And he punches him in the face. And he's basically like, listen, you know, you punched me in the face for no reason. Like we bumped into each other. It's New York City.

It happens all the time. I'm not going to fire you like I have the total power too. Yeah, exactly. Like, listen, I punched you now or even. I respect you like we're on the same level. And I understand where you're coming from. Yeah, like you said, Steve, like he mentions that he used to be homeless. And it's this great thing where he's giving this speech in the kitchen one night.

And he's like, you know, listen, in France, I was just a dude. And he makes like an analogy to Superman living on Krypton. When Superman's on Krypton, everybody's Superman, and he's not special. But he came to America, and he was different than everybody else, and he used that to advantage. AKA the American Dream, the fucking melting pot of the world. And this movie's like, oh, my God, isn't that just disgusting? Look at this villain pizza shit. Frog bag!

Frog big. It's just like, oh, my God. I mean, this movie could not be any more wrongheaded in its attempt to create a villain. Like, you know what? You want to do this? Make this dude, like, hit her a little bit. Maybe not hit her, but push her around. Yeah.

Maybe he's openly womanizing, like, flirting with people. That's what you need. And, like, they do, they, like, they don't do that, but they, like, really lightly insinuate. Like, he's kind of flirtatious with one of his owners that is always, like, buy his side. But, like, that's what we need is we need, like, women every night. He's like, he's got, I got to stay late and, like, we got to get the new menu ready or whatever the fuck. Right. And he's just got women coming in and out. But instead of that, really his biggest thing is that he pleasureed his woman better than he did.

Yep. It's a big problem. Huge problem. Can we get to the monkey scene really quick? Because it's actually kind of important. It is important. Sorry, you spit that coffee all over your desk, everybody. But there's a monkey scene because it's the 90s.

There's got to be a monkey. I think it's always the same outbreak with a capuchin monkey. Yeah. That guy had a lot of credits. I think because they're probably kind of on the cheaper side of monkeys. Like, you don't want a gorilla running. So, you know, the first step in this whole process is we're going to plant some panties and some receipts throughout the apartment. Next step is we have to find out a way to get lipstick all over his collar.

So let's do it in the most roundabout, ridiculous, impossible way you could ever think of, which is they go to Washington Square Park and there's a, there's a dude on the street, like a street performer dude with the monkey, played by a, House of Cards actor Larry Pine. I've never seen a monkey in New York City. This isn't like fucking 1920 with like Chappetto and his friend a little monkey. Oh, my little monkey's going to dance for you. I watch him and use the grindy and the monkeys are going to dance. That doesn't happen. No, it doesn't.

And this guy's like, hey man, I'll give you 50 bucks if we can rent out your monkey. And he's like, sure. Say, sure. I think the line is Matthew Broderick says, how much to put lipstick on the monkey and the guy's like fella you got yourself a deal all right you want to fuck my monkey i ain't gonna stop me like how long you're gonna be i just i'll go to the coffee shop i don't want to know nothing i'll do that for 40 for 50 you get my room i'm so sorry priscilla red's tight it's the cost of having a monkey in new york city who

new I know I said the last time was the last time but this is definitely the last time the guy walks away with everybody everybody's talking that day pipping out my monkey for some change did you ever see those

series of videos that the Criterion Collection put out when they were doing that Robert Downey box set and it's videos it's on YouTube I think like Robert Downey Senior with P.T. Anderson. I don't remember which movie it is, but there's one of the movies where, like, it's just this chick who's, like, kind of stoned. And there's, like, a monkey running around this bedroom. And Robert Datties tell this story about how this dude, like, oh, and the monkey was like, so how's everything going with the monkey? And, like, Robert Downey was like, oh, it's great. Like, I just need the monkey to walk around. It's kind of like an avant-garde. I'm not going to explain it to you kind of a thing. But she's on acid, and the monkey's just walking around. And he's like, okay, I'm glad it's going good. Hey, uh, you want the monkey to fucker?

And he's just like, no, no, I don't need the monkey to fucker. I feel like if you have a monkey that you're trying to rent out for all sorts of commercial purposes, that's definitely not off your radar. It's not, especially in the days of Craigslist now, you want the monkey to fucker. Like, it's coming up. now the question you as the monkey owner I hope you're saying no to those Of course I mean come on It's a poor little monkey

Well I mean you hope so but there are those Craigslist and they wouldn't keep a coming If they weren't being satisfied beforehand Yeah that's true there would have just been the one monkey fucking ad And then they would have ceased to exist Because then it would just go back into you know the cellar or wherever That these arrangements are made I'd love there to be some guy in Craigslist that keeps going to the purse of the lads It keeps going to M for M and it's disappointed

It's not man for monkey? I thought this was going to be man for monkey. Sorry. Sorry, everybody. Would you say she was a big, great fat monkey? Wait, manatee? Really? You can fuck a manatee.

You can't fuck a monkey. Amy, good gorilla. Oh, man, Buffalo Bill using Craigslist. He's a dude who loves Craigslist. That's the thing. That guy was only five years, like, you know, 10 years too early on his woman. He would have found somebody that would give him that woman suit a good home.

Oh yeah, totally. See cannibal cop in New York City. So addicted to love. So this monkey... This monkey just... This monkey just... They put the monkey... Lipsook on the monkey. The guy's walking through Washington Square Park. And the monkey jumps on his collar. Like,

unprovoked. There's a crowd of people cheering this monkey. Well, like... As if John Bon Jovi was doing a fucking concert in the park. These people are watching this monkey. I mean, now, Washington Square Park, for those of you who don't know, it's down on the NYU campus. And there's certain things you find there.

Maybe some students playing some jazz, some skateboarders, a couple of Jamaican guys that'll sell you some rip-off weed. A couple? But I mean, you're not getting a crowd of a thousand people like they pack into this thing for a dude with a monkey and he's wearing a top hat. And, like, the second, if I'm just walking the street, a monkey jumps on my shoulder, I am fucking throwing that thing. Oh, yeah. And, like, everyone's laughing. And Anton just takes this shit in strides, like, oh, yes, this monkey. Oh, hello.

He's waving, like, I'm glad you enjoyed it. I love this country. Talk to you later. And this is the heyday of Richard Preston. There's fucking diseases everywhere. I am fucking killing the monkey. amazing Richard Preston reference Holy smokes

And like honestly This happens again later in the movie Like I think Kelly Preston So he goes back He's got lipstick all over his collar And she's like Anton what are you doing

I'm a character in this movie And he's like Oh my God Kelly Preston I was totally molested by a monkey By the way That's a really shitty French accent It's monkey lips

I'm like Were you fucking a child? Did you paint up some kindergartner? What is this? Anton, I really want to believe that it was a monkey, but let me introduce you to detectives Benson and Stapler. Detective Tutu'll is here for no good reason. Damn, this is a nice place, Anton.

Don't you like fucking monkeys, a fucking children? the way you're coming with us. You is sick. I fucking love ice team. There's nothing better than that episode would fucking, uh, Dan Florex hugging that orangutangutang! It is.

You go Google, Google, Google image, Dan, Florek, Florek, and orangutan. You're having a good time. That is the spinoff that Dick Wolf never got. Cragan and the ape. Craig it in the planet of the apes You maniacs, you blew it all up

Go to bed He's always telling everybody Go to sleep in that show Well, because as one of, you know, the captain of a police precinct, especially sex crimes, everybody's working around the clock To catch these people

And you got to have sleeper, You're not going to catch them. There's a lot of like big cool out. You need to go sit down and take a break, Elliot. Olivia, want 40 winks. All right. We're going to crack this case, but not at the expense of your beauty sleep. Munch, wake up. Nap time's over. Benson, you're on the couch. So, what's going on of this movie? So the monkey thing happens. And she's like, well, that's almost ridiculous enough.

So, I mean, you can't just make that up. Like, you answered very quickly, well, it was a monkey. You're like, all right, fine. I don't believe you. It's a monkey. Next step in the process, they pay off a bunch of kids to fill their squirt guns with perfume and then they attack him and cover this dude with perfume with everything else that was going on this movie like collecting cockroaches and everything I really thought it was urine because she just has this like eye dropper with yellow liquid I'm like is that piss because that's sick shit give it a kid's piss Anton you came home smelling like urine are you having an affair with a homeless woman and so again he's got to go home be like these kids attack

me, they molester me with the square cons of full of, full of, full of whatever it is. No, I do not like the golden shower. And I mean, honestly, again, like, he gets spreaded with these water guns on his way home through Washington Square Park again. And, like, he's like, oh, you rascallian kids, like,

if you want to make a valiant, you're, God damn it, you fucking kids, I'm like, he's trying to hit him, you know? Yeah, exactly. You got to grab one of these kids by the shirt collar and ask where they got the perfume from. But the other thing is, listen, I'm walking through the park. I get attacked by a monkey? I'm taking the

route around. The park isn't that much of cutting your time off, okay? So the big element, this is how they really get Anton is Matthew Broderick's just creepily working at his job, like, I'm really close to you, Anton.

He's like, Anton's walking down a dark hallway and like Matthew Broadwark's like almost touching the back of his hair. I work so close to you that sometimes I can smell Linda of you. You're like, these new night vision goggles you should i bought them on your credit card do you know how you would make a well in your basement i do because i need to know say i wanted to make a well in my living

room so then yeah the next step is anton's like holy shit the big new york city food critic that works at the big new york city newspaper yeah this dude's coming to eat at the restaurant. And here, I mean, this is, again, this wrongheadedness of this screenplay. This dude, this like work hard immigrant guy is like, oh my God, like this is it. This is what's going to make me take off. Like, he's pretty successful, but this dude giving a good review. Like, this is it. And he goes back into the kitchen. He's like, listen, everyone just has to be on their game tonight. That assholes out there. Like, and he even says, like, this guy is an asshole. But we need him for the good of the restaurant. And this is where you see this full kitchen staff. And this is where. When you think about it, you can really start to weigh just how shitty it is what Matthew Broderick and Meg Ryan do. Because there's like 20 people working in this kitchen, not including the wait staff, not the bartenders. Like, there's a ton of people in this restaurant family. And everybody, when was the last time that everybody in the fucking place loves the boss? Exactly 100%.

Like everyone's like, yeah, finally, we're going to do it for him as the boss. Like, what did he give it his Superman speech? They're cheering him on. They're laughing. they are loving this guy and then meg ryan jumps up on the window where matthew broader's washing the dishes and hands him a paper bag and she's like oh my god i didn't know you were up for this now you're getting as crazy as i am and he's like yeah it's time i escalated and he's got a bag of these cockroaches and he just lets him loose in the restaurant and the dude eventually sees them one's on his fork a woman starts screaming it's chaos in the restaurant and then the next thing you know This dude is just out of a job. The restaurants closed by the health department.

And this whole group of people are out of jobs. Fucking on the street looking for work. Finding a way to pay the rent. And he's like, eh, take that, Anton. That'll teach you to have sex with my girlfriend better than I do. And Anton is now drowning in debt. Because then, yeah, he's, the way they justify the whole credit card thing is Meg Ryan has a throwaway line of, he'll never know that we're using this credit card because he doesn't use it he only uses his platinum card so the the bill comes and he's like oh my god well all right i'll try to pay this oh i have no money in my checking account either because she's also been withdrawing money out of ATMs throughout this entire movie she's just systematically ruining this guy's life for really like you want to look somebody cheats on you you want to fuck them up you know either like fight them physically or like ruin their next relationship

relationship, I guess, if you're a real lunatic. Don't go through their career, their finances, salting the earth. I killed his mother last month. That'll teach him for cheating on me. This guy's Kaiser Soze. He's taken out all of them.

They're kids. People who owed them money. Everything. You're going to be the last one. You're going to watch it all happen. And then I'm going to do you too. And like that, I'm God. And like, the next scene is this fucking like it's a beautiful scene it's fucking he comes home and he's like I'm ruined I've been through all of the shit I like I can't I can't support you anymore you're your teacher you don't have that much money and like he's so like genuinely worried about the future and what this woman's going to think of him and she says it doesn't matter I'm in love with you and they get engaged and the fucking scene is played as if you were getting stabbed into heart

it is they're both like oh they both have that like no no no no no like they're freaking out about this and it's like at this point if you can't put it together you guys like just let them be happy you guys already had sex one time and it worked out okay you know Meg Ryan you could probably teach him a thing or two about a thing or 12 you know that kind of a thing

but it's just like no now we really have to ask But first we're going to take a break and detour, and Maureen Stapleton's going to visit the movie. Ladies and gentlemen, Maureen Stapleton, like a little big applause. And I mean, I love Maureen Stableton. We were talking about how great she isn't done. Johnny Dangerously, also with Griffin Dunn, acting. He's a good actor. So she comes in and she's like, hi, I'm Meg Ryan's grandmother.

And they go out to a diner and kind of hang out. And she's kind of like, you know, one of those cool grandmas that swears and says tit and, you know. The great thing about this scene is like, she's like, oh, let me take a picture of both of you. And say, give him a kiss on the cheek. You could do better than that. You could do better than that. And they start, like, make it out in front of this old lady. She's just taking their picture.

Yeah. Yeah. She's just reloading the camera. Keep going. Just keep going. Don't stop on my account. I'll be right back. Oh, I didn't know we were in reform.

school touch her a little bit it's like that seated primal fear go on david help her help her god oh man that just makes my skin oh yeah counselor so

what they the whole point of this is that Maureen stapleton was at home before Meg Ryan and Matthew Broderick were and she overheard on the bug system what she thought was a radio because she's a cute old lady

she heard this radio so popper about these two people arguing, and he admitted to having an affair. And they're like, boy, we got to get back and continue our mission of ruining their lives. And what I guess winds up happening is Anton just finally, I guess he did. He was sleeping around with the manager. It was the woman that you saw him with the whole time. And it was only one time to keep my restaurant, you know what I mean? Like, it's like late Miserables over there.

Like, he's one mistake away from the gallows, I guess. And I mean, it's not explained what the timetable is. So it's possibly a thing where he was like, listen, my restaurant got shut down. I thought I had seed money because he is very successful. He's like, I thought I had seed money to start another restaurant. But for some reason, I'm broke and I have all this credit card debt. So I had to essentially whore myself out to this woman in order to see if she would like kind of back this new restaurant deal. Like he is at wits end.

And like this woman. made him get a haircut by a boat or some shit. That's another Les Miserab, bro. Sleeps in a casket. And yet another weird thing about how we don't know exactly what Kelly Preston's game is here. The father has to fly from Ohio to New York to give Anton another speech about how his daughter is breaking up with. Like, I want the interview of this father. Like, I want this scene where he's like,

I don't know what. I don't know where I went wrong with this girl. Like he just walks into their parlor back in normal Ohio and he's like, Mother, she asked me to go to the Big Apple to read another one of those letters. Again. Well, you're not going to go, are you? Oh, mother, I have to. She's our only child.

But she's got to deal with her life at some point, right? Don't want her getting murdered by some of them New York City chuds I saw that documentary about. Daddy, will you hit him for me? Daddy, will you hit him for me? And he punches him. And you know what? I'm like, you know what? Fucking fool me once movie. You can do that one time where this old man is doing this, dear John. But no, no, no. He does it twice. And it's hilarious.

And then Meg Ryan really tries to kill him. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Because, well, at this point, like, Kelly Preston leaves, and it's, it's that part in these movies where it's like, okay character. You know, you achieved your goal of getting your girl. but I guess me, you're either your tomboy friend or your friend at work or the girl that you've been stalking somebody with. I guess now our time is through and she like kind of preemptively kicks him out. He's like, what are you doing? And then, I mean, there's so much bullshit. This is, all right, where we're at right now in this movie, if you were to pause the DVD, there's still 35 minutes left.

Well, they haven't taken quite as many law and order tangents as we did. So, I mean, long story short, Matthew Broderick then be friends Anton while he's on hard times. They hang out a bunch. They get drunk. And like, he's hanging out in his place and, like, he looks over at their, you know, his old place at Meg Ryan. And the window breaks. Like, she's having like a real Mrs. Havisham freak out. She's going down to blaze of glory in that wedding dress.

She's going absolutely nuts. And he's watching it like, oh, no. Oh, dear. And he's trying to, like, when Anton's not looking, like, signal to her, like, just stop it. Please just stop it. Oh, no, I've driven her crazy with lust for me. She must be addicted to me. My slow, quiet friend of sex.

So she's going nuts. And, like, he winds up, like, crashing on Anton's couch. And she breaks into his house again while everybody's asleep. And she puts strawberries all over Anton's. face because he's fucking allergic and like and then she wakes up Matthew Broadwick and goes

slit your throat and walks away you say anything and you're gonna die you know what I'm capable of and then so the next day like this dude's like holy shit I've got this rash all over my face better button up and go to the doctor like so

they have ruined him financially professionally romantically romantically And now he's starting to look like Ron Perlman and Beauty of the Beast. Like, he's just got all these jackets and hoods on. And he's wandering the alley at night. Like, yeah. It's, imagine you just, like, stab one somebody right in the stomach.

And then you were just like, yeah, they're going to die. I have some salt, too. Fuck it. And then, like, he's about to go and interview for a new job as a chef. He's going to just be a sous chef. And, like, he's humbled. Two, this motherfucker is humble. He's like, you know what?

You got to start from the bottom again. That's just how it goes, man. And you know, I can do it here. I can do it here in America. I did it once. I can do it again. And here's this skin rash. Domer didn't deserve it this bad.

You know what I mean? Like, Dahmer, maybe you want to do this to Jeffrey fucking Dommer, maybe. The dude had a family-sized pack of dicks and heads in a refrigerator. And honestly, this is a bit much for. Jeff Dahmer, okay? In the punishment department. I mean, this is outrageous. And then, by the way, to top it all off,

Matthew Broderick thinks that Meg Ryan on her motorcycle is about to run this dude down, and he pushes him down a basement stair thing, like the storm doors are open. He pushes him down this thing and breaks both his arms and all of his ribs. He Robert Altman's the players him. take that you no-name screenwriter

and the dude the next scene is of course he's in a hilarious body cast and Matthew Broderick takes him back and then like they have another blowout him and Meg Ryan like why did you do that blah blah blah and she's like I didn't have anything to do with that you thought I'm capable of that and he's like what is it going to take and there's pictures involved before this he finally realizes oh my God I'm in love with her because again it's the same thing with like

it is the thing with my tomboy friend where he's like describing the woman of his dreams but that's not Kelly Preston that's Meg Brian and Anton again greatest guy in the world is saying like all these wonderful beautiful things about what he feels what he felt for Meg Ryan

and how regretfully is and all this shit and he's just like oh yeah but um I like short hair and I like good I like punkish makeup up. I love Meg Ryan. Oh, my goodness. And like, you know, the end of this movie is so, like, you know, they get to this big hilarious fight where Matthew Broderick, I mean, because this guy's a tough dude, Matthew Broder can't even beat this guy up in a full body can't. The guy has two broken arms and

no ribs that are in one piece. And he beats the piss out of them. Which is kind of satisfying to watch, especially after all this crap. This despicable character that you've been sidled with the entire movie because he's unfortunately the main character and he's just getting his ass walloped and you're like oh man oh oh you know what

I gotta watch this a second time rewind oh yeah it's this and Maureen Stapleton those are the only bright lights in this whole damn thing and like he's choking his lights out because he finds out that he's responsible for all this stuff

he's like Meg Ryan's agent of chaos and like he's choking him and he's like but I'm too good a person I will not take your life even though I'm totally justified in doing so And he lets him go And he's like, I'm sorry, McRoyne, I'm sorry

Matthew Broderick, I am sorry America I apologize to anyone of French descent or has been to France Or has seen a Romaine Douris movie or anything I apologize I said it right before this like his whole thing Is just an hour long French waiter joke

Is this whole strand of this movie Is that what Griffin Dunn's trying to do He is one Zoutelo away from fucking Peppy Lapewue it's ridiculous so like you know he Matthew Broder's like I've got to tell Kelly Preston the truth and you're like finally now we're gonna see the like this is where the movie began it's their relationship it's kind of their journey like this is the scene we need to make this movie make any kind of sense and that scene happens and the camera and all the boom mics are outside of the building and we just look in on it and don't hear a goddamn thing it's check Cancy Elfman, time to shine. This shitty score is just playing. And then the camera just like climbs up the building and then just tilts up to the night sky.

And all you see is like he says something. You can't hear him. She gets upset and shoves him. And then we're like, all right, what's going on in heaven? And that's it. And she, by the way, that's Kelly Preston. That's a wrap on Kelly Preston, everybody. oh wow that's a great job you did nothing in this movie it's not your fault but you did nothing in this movie

because like they don't even let her like do that thing you know like um and it's kind of it's a hilarious thing in the 90s when a woman punches a man right out i'd love to see that but she's doing like that like i'm trying to punch you but i'm so like a fat that i can't even like make a bald fist like yeah you can't punch that guy in the face the dick anyway how about a sick nut shot everybody and this is within a year of fucking jerry mcguer where she actually punches his lights out so she can do that she's capable of doing it man but that's it she's out of the movie and then he just goes there's a scene where meg ryan comes into the apartment like while this is happening comes back into anton's apartment and it's like uh it was strawberries under your pillow you're a moron how you doing and like that's it that is their reconciliation of some kind and then matthew brother's like oh i better continue that life that i had where i was kind of a you know i had a real specified job and like I kind of you know

went to all sorts of school to get it better go back there and do it and he gets on a plane back to normal oh-h you know and he's on the plane and there's an episode of lassie playing which whatever movie fine lassie's playing I'm not even going to fucking bother lassie's on great

then he sees it and we sees watching it it's affecting him somehow we go back to the Soho loft and there There's, you know, Meg Ryan, and she's packing up the gear, finishing her Buffalo Bill Assemblage that's on the wall. Oh, yeah, she's been doing this collage. And I don't know what for.

Again, what was Buffalo Bill's end game? What is her end game with this thing? It's just this big wall, and it's like a Joker face with a bunch of different, like, typeset magazine clippings all over the place. Why isn't she, like, and we discussed this right before, too, we need more character we need more sideline characters some prop-ups really

and like what if she was like an artist for a local like she has a show coming up and she wanted to go somewhere weird to do like her her collage work that's what this needs and like she has like a sassy gallery owner friend or some like that seriously where are your Judy Greer's

where is your Michael Rapaport's like these lower level character actors to kind of populate your New York based movie like let's figure it out there's a million starving actors in this town. You couldn't put up a flyer saying, hey, you want to be in the new Meg Ryan and Matthew Broderick movie? Stocker Channing as like the elder, like, wiser friend to Meg Ryan.

Oh, man. Adam Goldberg as like a barista. Like, these are things you could do. And Bronson Pinchot as the snooty gallery dealer. Oh, of course. Why are we helping you out with this Griffin done? Like, what are we doing? Oh, God.

damn it. So then he comes back and he's like, oh, hey, I got off the plane because Lassie was on. And it was this, hilariously, apparently it was an episode where Lassie was accused of murdering somebody, which if that's a real thing, I really want to see that episode. But he's like, it's

this whole thing. He's like, oh, everyone got mad at Lassie, but then the little boy, which how big of a Lassie fan are you, Matthew Broderick? They don't know. His name's Timmy. He's like the little boy is trying to send her away and to do that. He makes her feel like he doesn't lover, but he really does.

He says, I hate you, Lassie. Now scram, and Lassie's upset. But then Lassie realizes what he was really doing. And then Lassie comes back to the little boy. You get it? I'm Lathy. And then it's ridiculous, though, because then Meg

Ryan has some line where she's like, so, uh, did Lassie get it on with the little boy? What the fuck? Yeah, she's like turning on sexy. He's like, yeah, what did Lassie and Timmy do then? Oh, really? Well, at first, Lassie left all the lights on it.

And they made sex with the force of a spring breeze. Tinney made sure the radio was turned all the way down. Blew the candles all the way out, all across the apartment. Got right under the covers. Better wear three condoms. Never know. so i mean and then the end of it is they're just making out and we have this ridiculous like we're shooting through the camera obscura and bouncing off all the mirrors so then we can get shot out across the street and the two of them are making out on the side of the building and they both reach up and pull down a fictitious curtain because it's just a transition to pull down the end title card oh geese i mean and that that's the last we didn't mention this at all but there are three different iris outs in this movie.

And one big old-fashioned George Lucas Star Wars wipe just for good measure. This, you know, we didn't mention it really, but this is a very poorly edited movie. Like, there's a couple of cuts before sentences are finished. A lot of, like, you know that? Like, there's the scene where Matthew Broderick goes to first go into the building to ring the doorbell, he gets in by this woman's trying to back out with a baby carriage. and he holds the door open for her and this woman clearly turns

and is starting to say something to him and it just smash cuts into him walking up the stairs it's pointless to complain about the technical flaws of this movie because this is just one of the most insane screenplays we've dealt with on this show

it's also just like frame bro like and I kind of got the feeling that Griffin Dunn like he must have seen like some Vincent Cassell movie or something and he was just like Like, I can make a French romantic comedy in America. Yeah.

I could do it, like a little creepier one, like, deals with, like, more, like, weird sexuality. I can do that. Except for, in those movies, they'll make the point of showing how creepy that is. And, like, they'll be like, this is a little weird, but it's going to work anyway. Whereas this, it's just whenever they're doing something psychotic, they put on, like, a bubbly French, like, pop song. And apparently it's just okay. thing is it's and you want to get to whether would I recommend this movie? I wouldn't and

trying to start with start your directing career with a black comedy is like I never really took up a language let me try Chinese like it's just the hardest one in the book to try you're right you're absolutely right. To get that tone right like black comedy to be is such

a specific thing and like very very few people could do it really well and Griffin done ain't it and this movie is just tone deaf left and right I mean to a degree you know, and I'm not recommending this movie, but to go off on that, like, if you want

this to be that successful black comedy, the characters that are doing the crazy shit have to be like, oh man, this is fucked up. But we're doing it. We're doing it. We're acknowledging that it's a little off-kilter. These people have no problem with this. And it just makes these characters

so daft that they're just not characters. They're just two little crazy vessels. What about you? You're going to recommend this? I mean, I've seen this movie a lot. I had it on a beach when I was a kid. Um, and I remember, I remember liking it because I liked McRine at the time. Uh, but like, no. Now, now me seeing this again, uh, it's really like, and it's also just like, you want to talk about bad casting decisions. Other than, I would say, like, Chickie Cario is pretty good in this. He's the best part of it. He is. Um, him in

Maureen Stapleton. God, yeah. Oh, God. The best. God, rest her soul. But, like, okay, this Sam character is a sick ticket. And if he, if he's going to be that kind of sick ticket, it can't be aw shucks Matthew Broderick. No, no way. And the same thing with Meg Ryan. Meg Ryan is like, at the time, she's just like a bouncy, like, really, like, nice girl. Like, you want to like her.

But she's playing this horrific person. And you just, and they don't do anything to help you into that state. there's no point where she's like man I feel bad about this like again like I know this is messed up I feel bad about it but you know I have to do it because I'm whatever I've been driven to this

nope she's like hey this is going to be fun and it's not Meg Ryan thanks anyway yeah that's terrifying shit yeah they're just watching people and ruining people's lives in that movie And Cherokee Cario is the good guy, man.

He's so the good guy in that movie, that poor bastard. His life is torn asunder by these people. You know, and here we are in New York, sweating ass, you know, you know. Oh, let me check. Yep. What are you doing this August? Talk out loud. I'm sweating ass, man.

Sweat and ass ruining pair after pair of underpins. I want to have a conversation with the audience. What are you guys doing this summer? Oh, that's pretty cool. Okay, all right. Oh, that sounds damn. I'm sorry about your dad. How do you even put that on?

So as, you know, we will keep tradition here now that we're not, you know, teasing episodes and whatnot. We are just flat out telling you what the next episode is. The next episode of Summer Rerun will be Dracula 2000. Oh. So until next week with the Summer Rerun of Dracula 2000. I'm Andrew Jufin. Steven Seda. Eric Sisko.

Take it easy. Thank you.