We Hate Movies - S6: WHM Summer Rerun - Dracula 2000

Episode Date: August 11, 2016

Original Air Date: August 21st, 2012 The guys continue their summer break from production, but offer up a rerun on the totally ridiculous, Dracula 2000! What's with all these silly super burglars? Why does Dracula need to go to a Virgin Megastore? And hey, is that pop music sensation, Vitamin C? PLUS: Andrew squares off against Fred Durst. Dracula 2000 stars Christopher Plummer, Jonny Lee Miller, Justine Waddell, Colleen Ann Fitzpatrick, Jennifer Esposito, Omar Epps, Danny Masterson, Lochlyn Munro, and Gerard Butler as the Prince of Darkness; directed by Patrick Lussier.Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Thank you. You know, I think the second week of this summer break that we're on, I've sweated off about 10 pounds. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's your Dracula lab? Dracula. That's right. This week's W.H.M. Summer rerun is the fan

favorite episode, Dracula 2000. Can I say something a little personal about this episode? Yeah, sure. This is my favorite Eric Siska joke of all time. What? Oh, yeah. Actually, it's mine too. Yeah, it's where you peaked, and honestly, I keep waiting you to ascend back to that level, and you never

have. The Elliot Smith remark. Wow. It's classic. So, listen to this episode and hear when I was good on the show. no it's a very funny episode we were having a lot of fun on it talking about you remember the virgin megastore the super burglars oh and this is actually i think the first time in show history because i think i've done it like two or three times where i tell the story about me getting booted out of an aisle by

fred durst's body you know what honestly if you've only told that story three times that's like six times two less because that's a great story and here's something else West Craven has passed on I haven't listened to this episode in forever Yeah Sometimes we do this show weekly We do this show in context at the time Of the minute

Of all the information we have available At the time Minute by minute Right You're not going to go back and edit stuff And I'm talking specifically about the she's all that episode Look Paul Walker died We were making jokes about him

Before then Yep After that we didn't make jokes about him If we make jokes about Wes Craven in this The dude's a master of horror He's an amazing director this was a shitty thing. Let's all relax. And, you know, that goes fucking double and triple for our episodes on Vampire and Brooklyn.

Yep. And especially Wes Craven's new nightmare. Exactly. And all Jim Balushi movies, stay tuned for his death. Now we're going to have to fucking caveat the rerun episodes as well. Oh, but seriously, I loved West Craven. Yeah. And so if we're making jokes about him this, I don't remember, but it's entirely possible.

Sure. Yeah, so that's what it is. Yeah, why don't you, the audience, find out. There you go. Enjoy Dracula 2000. The film is Dracula 2000 from, appropriately enough, the year 2000. Oh, man, I remember I caught this in the theaters. Ouch.

Yeah, Ouch is right. I was disappointed then. I was disappointed now. It's one of the problems I find with Dracula lore. And that's why, like, I don't care for a lot of those hammer pictures that are, like, the nth incarnation of Dracula and he's hanging out in the 1970s and whatever. It's like, Dracula should be left with fucking horse-drawn carriage culture. And that's it. Once the automobile came around, Dracula's done.

He just walked, he willingly walks out into, like, the public square and gets burned by the sun. Or hit by a car. Henry Ford finally slayed Dracula. Do you think that's what they wanted that shitty Jeff Bridges movie to be about? Tucker, a man in his dream? Yeah. His dream of killing Dracula?

Jeff Bridges is like, well, I couldn't figure out how to kill him, so I'll just put out this line of cars. So, right away, you know, you're in for trouble because this dimension film logo comes up, and you're like, that's cool. They put out Scream. What's different about this? Oh, I know.

It's fucking. Blood Red. Thanks a lot for setting me up, Miramax. This is a very influenced by Scream. This is one of those last movies that used the Scream box cover. Yes. Where like it's every... It actually just said Scream on it. Please rent this.

They used to trick you back in the old days. I mean... The old days of the bait and switch in the video distribution market. No, no. They would do... It was always the same thing. Like, since Scream, it would be like... Headshots of all of the major characters kind of... I guess, like, going into a vanishing point.

Like, it would be always like eight people, like, headshot out into each other. Yeah, Scream did that. Scream, I think, started it, but then Mimic did that shit. Phantom certainly did it. Uh, wasn't there another one in there? Maybe I'm just thinking of mimic again. This reminds you of when I married it? No, when I rented Dracula 2000.

I now pronounce you, Man and Shitty Movie. That's eventually going to happen to me. That's what happens out in International Waters. Man and cow. But it was so cool in Blockbuster when the new movie would come out. You'd have that cool. It would always get a bookshelf to itself. And it made it feel important that you were renting it, even if it was Dracula 2000.

Yeah. If I walked into a video store and there was just the wall of the same thing, I was like, wow, this is, I'm really here for something. I always hated that because I was just like, oh, they're overcompensating for the, like, I'm trying to make it the biggest movie ever. Like, I would only go to Blockbuster once in a while. We had this small, like, mom and pop video store. And it was always just like, it had like four or five on the shelf and that's it. And it was not like a huge ceremony for a movie to be released on video. That's, yeah, that's cool.

I would always go to, I went to Blockbuster like every chance I could. And I was like hiding movies for when I wanted to rent them later. I would just switch around like a real fucking piece of garbage. I was a little snots. I was a video store outlaw with that shit, man. It was that. And then also my sister and I had a nice game of switch the tapes in the box, which most famously occurred uh during pinocchio the disney movie and pinocchio's revenge that shitty horror

movie we swap those fucking tapes out we warped some kids brains and now they're they're killers so this movie right away by the way it's again you get this red dimension film's logo and you're like god okay that's whatever but then there's a boost of hope west craven presents and you're like okay it's still two thousand he has not soiled his red reputation yet. Yeah. It was like a comeback time for him, right? I mean, yes.

When would it scream come out? First scream was 96. Second scream was 99, but then I think this... Actually, you know what? I'm going to correct myself on this. I think this was right when he fucked himself because Scream 3 was also the year 2000.

Yeah, that's the end of it. That's a wretched movie. So we start this flick. Useless Dracula flashback. It's just, yeah, it's the credit sequence, and it's a bunch of... You think you're about, like, it's going to start out in the olden days because it's like Dracula's on this. It's a boat and everyone's dead.

And there's like a coffin. Yeah, there's some dirt around. Because, you know, that's how Dracula sails around the world with Earth. He needs Earth, right? Yeah. And then you're like, oh, this is cool. This is how the movie's going to start. And, like, he finally gets the shores of London.

He's, like, standing in a catacomb like Jack the Ripper. And then it's like, London, 2000. Like, what the fuck just happened? It's such a tease. And also, we should get right into it. This movie is one of those shitty things where it's like, oh, yeah, that Bram Stoker book, Dracula, that's such a bunch of hooey.

And it's like, I hate that because it gives you this false idea of like, well, that's just a stupid book. But this story's the real deal. Does that make Bram Stoker a journalist? Like, what? Was he field reported Dracula? He was embedded with the Dracula. I love the trend.

And this is, you can catch a lot of these on Netflix, the whole trend of like, if I just put Bram Stokers in front of whatever the fuck vampire movie, cha-ching, and it's some of the worst shit you'll ever watch in your life. Like Bram Stoker's Dracula's garage sale? It gives a shit. Breb Stoker's Dracula party? Yeah, and it's like he fucking did one of these and no one cares. But that also happens in Hook, too, is like, Maggie Smith is like, oh, that nice man, J.M. Barry was across the street. Oh, did he spit a tale about us? It's like, no. Didn't they presuppose on that movie that J.M. Barry was also an orphan and she had raised him? It's so crazy. It's like, I don't like when the fiction is real. And like, just pretend in your world that book never came out. And like, so it's a surprise to everybody.

It just makes no additional, like, positive. It doesn't make your story any stronger that, like, that was the fake story. And this is the real thing. Like, it's so fucking useless. So the person taunting the fact that, you know, his life was based off of whatever is Christopher Plummer, playing what you're first introduced as a descendant of the real Abraham Van Helsing. Yeah, Matthew Van Helsing, he calls himself. Great.

And, you know, if I recall correctly, when I saw the movie for the first time in the theater, I was like, well, he's just Van Helsing somehow. Like, I don't know how they're going to rope this in, but he's definitely just Van Helsing somehow alive in 2000. And what a fucking shock. Well, because he's introduced Johnny Lemiller as like his assistant or whatever. And he's like, oh, Matthew, we've got this great new crossbow. And he's just like, isn't this interesting? And he's like, yes, put it in my private collection. Like, oh, you're Abraham Van Helsing, man.

Is that we're saying? Yeah, exactly. That's where you put all the things that you remember from 200 years ago. All the stuff you pawned back in the day. Mm-hmm. Absolutely. You think it's like the inside man with Christopher Flover where he's got all those like terrible Jewish war bonds

or whatever the fuck evil shit he was up to in that movie? Yeah, I don't remember what exactly they were trying to scheme out of that. I just remember the end of it is Clive Owen hides in an air duct for like two weeks or something. That's a movie that has a surprise Holocaust at the end. And you're like, oh, this is about the Holocaust? All right, fine by me, I guess. Just write it in, whatever. So we're introduced to those two,

John Lee Miller and Matthew Van Helsing. They're antique dealers. And one night, there's a break-in at the Van Helsing antique shop. And it's a cast of some of 2000's most lovable losers. As super burglars. Man, the whole concept of super-burglars, It is so annoying to me. It's a myth.

It's not real. It's like the giant squid. It's just a fake thing that someone made out. Those are just old stories. Ah, when that man wrote that book about super burglars. It's a bunch of hooey. But no, but it's because it always seems like you're spending too much money to steal things that are worth less than what you're spending to steal them. Exactly.

It's such a backwards. plan. Like, you're just, you're going to be underwater with this scheme before it even gets off the ground. You're in the red man. So, so this cast of characters is led by Omar Epps.

You got that 70s show and Scientology's Danny Masters. Oh, is he a Scientologist? Oh, that whole fucking family's Scientology. I think it's a Beck thing where they were like raised in the church or whatever. That's just a myth.

That's a bunch of hooey. When he wrote that book about Scientology. That nice Elron Hubbard watched our lives and wrote a book about it. I'd much rather read Bram Stoker's diatics or whatever that book. Dietic. When you drink seven blood fetads, your e-meter goes off the chart and you're impervious to sunlight. Man, I can't wait for that fucking The Master, by the way. It's going to happen.

That trailer is bone-chilling. I worry for our good friend, Paul Thomas Anderson. I don't know what's going to happen. You think people are going to camp outside his house? Something's going down. Phil Hoffman's going to have a heart attack on the premiere day or something. Mysteriously. And then Tom Cruise, he's fat.

He's not pure like me. When you're fat, you're not pure. So speaking of worst movies. So you got Omar Epps, you got Danny Masterson, you got Lockland Monroe. What? Hollywood's permanent fourth grader. See, I thought it was really funny that Andrew actually knew this character's name. Yeah, it's pathetic.

I mean... Actor's name, I mean, sorry. Well, he's a character. He's probably a real character on whatever celebrity poker show he's on right now. He's probably a real cut-up. Well, I know him... I've seen, pathetically, the first scary movie, like, a bunch of times. He's also in Freddy versus Jason, which I've seen a bunch of times.

And is he not... guy who they try to get to kill himself in Dead Men on campus? Yes, yes he is and I recently rewatch that. Does that hold up? No, I never held. Yeah, I actually never really helped much of the first place. That movie does not hold water. No. As my

cousin Vinny would say. So yeah, so he's involved. The dude from Save the Last Dance, whose name I can't remember. I don't know. Yeah. And then there's an extra guy with a ponytail there who this is the thing. If it's the year 2000 and you can point out the rest of those

actors? Guess what? That guy's the first one to get killed. Or so you'd think, take that Lockland Monroe, by the way. Yeah, he gets fucking ganged. And also, uh, Jennifer Esposito is like the inside man, again, uh, it's like the inside one that works with Christopher Plummer and kind of sets them up on this thing. So these are super criminals, right? They bust in, they knock out all these guards. Uh, the guy from State of the Lack stance is a super hacker. He's like, get the codes. Got to have the hacker. And they're not, like, it's a thing where it's like they're not there for the, it's like diehard, right?

They're only there for one thing. Don't worry about the top ten floors. It's just the basement we want. So they crack in, they go in there, and it's just, it's a ghoulish cavern. And, I mean, you brought this up, Stephen. It's probably the first biggest plot hole of this movie, right? The idea of like, you're spending all this money on gadgetry, on getting presumably the best of the best.

which is like with this crew really that's all you could muster but whatever uh you know you're doing all these things you're planning all this shit they don't know what they're there to steal and the whole concept is jennifer esposito's all hey i work for this old guy there's got to be a lot of rich antiques all over the place you're the inside person on the job and you don't know what's on the inside yeah how about a little fucking research everybody her whole her whole reasoning is like look you don't lock up all this stuff with such great security it was not worth a lot you might i mean like it's maybe it's personal stuff maybe it's child pornography i don't know what's going on like i'm sure there's some interesting thing is in vaults that don't have to do with money no exactly

and like it's something that's possibly just personal to you so you know your own blood toenail clippings hair urine samples yeah yeah i was gonna mason jars full of urine i think that's what i that's what i would keep down there maybe an eight millimeter this is where my favorite scene the movie takes place actually is because Omar Epps gets pissed off because they don't really know what they're there to steal yet and I mean, he shouldn't have been mad. He should have been mad a while back.

But not right go. So then like there are these like catacombs with Jennifer Esposita and then he looks, he grabs a skull out of the catacombs is like what do we like what's this crap? Like what do we hear? Like what are we just? He gets pissed off and he throws it on the ground. That used to belong to a human being's body.

He's like he's like, well I don't know what we're stealing but I'm going to desecrate some corpses. Now you're in the middle of a haunting. Congratulations, Omar Epps. Yeah, exactly. You may come out of here with nothing, but guaranteed you're coming out of here with a ghost trailing behind you.

And this movie, this is a missed opportunity because you don't often see a two-punch shot of Dracula and a vicious haunting, a good specter. Oh, yeah, totally, man. If, like, a vicious paltar guys teamed up with Dracula, or Dracula has to be like, my beef's not with you ghost initially Dracula doesn't even know what the hell's going on

like just books are moving up and down this guy's place and it's just like what is it that's not me is that you do you think do you have super cool powers too do you think a vampire condescends to a ghost because it's like well at least I'm dead and corporeal you're just a fucking ghost

I guess so because I mean like obviously Dracula makes fun of Frankenstein all the fucking time right I mean because that's like Well, that's something I think about sometimes, right? Like, what is the power structure of the monster party? Oh, Dracula's very towards the top. Yeah, vampires are probably on top. He's always the leader because he's like,

because it's always kind of the thing you most want to be, right? Because you look as human as possible, but you have crazy superpowers. You're kind of smart. You're bisexual, which everybody wants to be anyway. Right, everybody? ACDC. And so, yeah, he's at the top because, like, he walks the earth. He's got his wits about him.

he's got like we're talking a lot of experience life experience that's a philosophy right there and then like you know like a Frankenstein monster is basically just a reanimated corpse that's you know that's basically a zombie with feelings right yeah that's what you don't want to be I'd rather just be a zombie than a zombie with feeling and a ghost is like you know like yeah you know I could fuck some shit up a little bit but like I got my limits I'm not walking the earth I'd say the number two is probably a werewolf that's what I was going to say because Because you're, well, the werewolf's kind of the best of both worlds because you still get your sunlight. You get to hold down a nice regular life 29 days out of the month.

And then you fuck shit up for a little while. Well, it's kind of like probably being like in the ROTC, you know. He's the reserves. Yeah, exactly. You're in the monster reserves. But every once in a while, you know, you're probably like, man, you know, it's my weekend to be in the monster reserves. But there's a fucking concert coming to town that I really want to see. And I can't go.

It's like, I've got to lock myself in a jail cell. Stupid monster ROTC. after that you got your centaur I think the mythology hierarchy is a completely different pier It's a different table, yeah So Dracula 2000 So yeah so it's like it's a

They get there and all of these super criminals Are like, what the fuck man You know you told us it was going to be this thing You said there's going to be a lot of cash And Jewel's all over the place Also like let's just you don't know what you're You don't know what you're getting right Uh huh

Best case scenario it's artifacts You need to know people who are going to fence that shit And you can't just go to any Johnny fence You need to know the guys in the art world Depending or like people that could You know fence fucking Ottoman shit or whatever Exactly and that's what I never understand About these heists that are like

Art based or Jewel based is like So you're a crooked person and you have to You know do this crooked deed and whatever But then you've got to find a crooked person to appraise them Yeah, he's got to appraise it He's taken some off the time Then you've got to get a crooked collector Because like when they steal a painting out of a music

or something, you can't be like, you can't just tell people like, yeah, that's the original Van Gogh. Right. You've got to be the type of person that, like, keeps that to yourself, hangs it above your toilet and acts like it's a print. And it's like, that's not enough for me. Whenever I hear like, oh, man, someone stole the scream again. And I'm like, well, what the fuck are you going to do with it?

Yeah. There's never that next step in the, in the thought process. I'm going to go appreciate the hell out of this at home. Like, that's your only option, really. Unless you're like a super villain and you're throwing a super villain party, then you're You're like, and this is the original scream that I stole. And everyone's like, oh. Yeah, like a polite golf clap.

Yeah, totally. That's putting you up the villain's, you know, spectrum. You're getting the next level if they got some that shit. And just because we said screen before, we're not talking about the film. We're talking about the painting. Yeah, the Edvard Monk. We switched gears here for a minute. One particular line of dialogue that I love in this scene is so they finally opened this door or whatever,

and there's Dracula's coffin hanging out. It's big fucking steel coffin. And they're like, man, this is bullshit. There's just a coffin in there. And I believe it's Omar Epps that has the line. The skulls are to scare us. The crosses the coffin, all of it. It's a grand spanking mind fuck to scare off these.

If you make a killing, why hide it in a safe? When you can hide it in a coffin. Never once am I like, you know what? Look at all these valuables I have. How about putting it in a coffin? You know, that's what I say when I see bodies. Look at all these bodies. Why aren't I put this body in a cell?

safe when I can put it in a coffin. But I think at this point it's like, oh my God, I, you know, I wasted a month of my team's time. They're going to kill me. Like, it's all in the coffin, guys, you know, like that kind of a thing. Well, because the other problem with this is I think he's, he probably feels most responsible because he and Jennifer Esposito are an item in this movie. And he's like, oh, man, I listen to my girlfriend about hatching this plan. She swore up and down that there was going to be a bunch of riches in here. All these guys are going to kill me. Like, it's my girlfriend. It's on my shoulders. He's piss. And he starts like, it's

uncomfortable a little bit because he starts like throwing her around a little like you fucking said there was stuff in here and she holds a knife to her throat at one point well that's his greeting to her that's even worse before he's totally pissed off about this dire situation she comes up behind him and he fucking puts a knife right in her throat and holds it way longer than it needs to be but you see how intensely he feels in that moment that shows shows her that he really cares about her so that means I think that's how girls were okay i might be mistaken so they try to like jimmy this thing open or whatever and shockingly ponytail guy is not the first to go because this big wrought iron fucking spike fence

comes down and just kills locklin monroe flat out yeah right over his dumb head he's got the dumbest look on his face yeah he's just kind of mouth breathing all over this movie and then uh it's all it's almost a simultaneous death because another like spiked gate comes and kills ponytail guy at this point the alarm goes off and matthew van helsings like listening to like some sort of opera and he's doing this weird his weird weird ritual of taking dracula leeches that have been on dracula draining them and pumping the blood into his arm and it's kind like train spotting which is like it's a really like a really like gross ass arm yeah it's nice having that johnny lee miller connection oh yeah uh yeah so you're like how what's he doing here and

Again, I remember sitting in the theater being like, oh, all right, well, this is definitely how he lives forever. Like, there's no surprise to this whatsoever. Don't worry, they'll explain it to you in detail in 25 minutes. So he rushes down there. And at this point, they have somehow carried this iron coffin out of this cavern through a hole in the wall that they blow. Yeah. What the fuck? Are you kidding me?

This thing's obviously like a ton. And by then, the alarms have gone off and Christopher Plummers running his ass down there. and they get they pick up this giant coffin dracula and all and get it out of there before christopher plumber can even get down there which is nuts to me i mean i know he's an older gentleman but but you got you're carrying your two men down you're carrying like this giant metal casket speaking of uh christopher plumber by the way um watching this last night and the missus brings up a really great point about how christopher plumber always gets really pissed off when people

bring up his role in the sound of music. Oh, really? Yeah. And it's like, are you fucking serious, dude? You're in Dracula 2000 right now. And you've got a problem with people coming up to you about a classic movie. He's a Nazi in that movie? Is that what it is? No, he's not a Nazi at all. I noticed on that movie.

That was a shot in the dark. No, Captain Von Trapp, man. He's the father of the Von Tratt family. He's a good dude. All right. They escape the Nazi. How have you never seen this? How do you think they escapes? They collaborated. But can you just imagine, like, that's like, I don't know, that's like Roy Shider being pissed off that, like, someone comes up to him and is like, oh, man, I fucking loved you in Jaws, Roy Shider. It's sort of like Harrison Ford being mad at Han Solo.

Yeah, I just don't get that. And, I mean, maybe it's because I don't have an iconic role under my belt that I get harassed about every day. But, I mean, come on, man. Like, these people that take that shit for granted, I just don't get it, especially when you're doing shit like Dracula 2000. And Wolf. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. If I ever ran into Christopher Plummer, I'm bringing up General Chang from Star Trek 6, the Uniscovered Country.

He's the best part. I've seen Star Trek 6. I haven't seen The Sound of Music. Nice. I was waiting for another one of those to come up because you finally offcast and play. I did, yeah. That one got crossed off the list, but Sound of Music is up there now. So, like, Johnny Lee Miller comes up.

He's like, oh, and Johnny Lou Miller is using his real accent in this movie. And usually, like, he's either doing a really bad American accent or, like, Like, hackers. Or a subdued British accent or, in the case of trade spotting, a Scottish accent. But this is like his real talk, and it's just the most Uber British he's ever sounded. Yeah, he's really chimney sweeping it up in this movie. And he's like, oh, no, Matthew, what's going on? Where are you going?

And he's like, someone broke into my safe and I need to go find them. And he's like, all right, I'll go with you. He's like, you can't come with me. You have to run the business. What, they still are the safe? And he's like, nothing. Some things I've acquired Maybe not legally

And I'm like Are you a secret Nazi? Like if I'm working for a 70 year old man In Europe Who's got a secret vault that he doesn't want anybody to know about I'm like what's going on? Dude, that's totally the rape of Europa man He's got a bunch of paintings down there

That he stole from Jews I would always be fearful I mean now the fear of secret Nazis We're almost done with secret Nazis Yeah we're about Turn that corner I mean, given another, like, 10 years, Secret Nazis are over with. The clock is winding down for Secret Nazis.

Unless Secret Nazi Dracula. Eric Siskin presents Secret Nazi Dracula. Directed by U. Bowl. Oh, man, that sounds amazing. So the heist happens, and Christopher Flummer's like, I have to go on vacation. Watch my antique store. And he's like, whatever. All right.

Cut to. our heroine of the movie Mary Van Helsing who's having all sorts of nightmares about Dracula's and whatnot God, I hate the whole He's in my dreams Fucking thing Because it's happened to so many movies

And it's just like Just get to it Because there's only like five dream sequences Before the character meets the character And it's like Well I'm already bored with this Because I've seen it six times now Yeah yeah totally

So she's having all sorts of night terrors and whatnot And she's got her roommate vitamin C Oh man Who ever thought And I was sitting there I was like Who is this chick? She looks kind of familiar Kind of familiar

Oh that's vitamin C That's horrible Ew So they're roomies And she like comes in And she's like time for your coffee Rise and Shine Because we have to pick up our shifts

At the Virgin Megastore oh my god this is the most egregious product placement i've ever seen i mean what it's like and this is weird because this is a shitty movie and we harp on it because it's in a shitty movie but no one mentions this being a problem in the 40 year old virgin yeah that's true they work at fucking best buy best buy is all over that movie and it's the same thing here they work at the virgin megastory every chance they get key difference yeah one's a tolerable movie tolerable movie and One is not. Like, 40-year-old Virgin's fine.

It's got some, it's good, some good jokes. It's a decent, it's a watchable flick. This is not. No, it's not. Also, yeah, good point, Eric. Other key difference, one doesn't fucking transpose a character from classic literature and makes them thumb around a best buy. Like, Dracula has to go to Virgin in this movie.

Oh, these children of the nights and their compact discs. Time to buy the new disturbed record. DVDs. Oh, no, it's not in it. I lost it. Do you think the Stoker estate was like, are you serious? There's so much new metal in this soundtrack.

Dracula shouldn't listen to new metal. Like, the character of Dracula and the music of disturbed should never cross past. Dracula would not appreciate it. No, it'd be like, where's a violin on a rickety victrola? I feel like, if Dracula, If Dracula listened to anything, it would be like Annie DeFranco or something. Do you know what I mean? Why should you pick up chicks?

A little bit of that, but it's also like, it's all like piano-based. I can at least understand what this is. I remember when I used to feel. Reminds me of all the poetry I read in college. I got it, by the way. Dracula's favorite recording artist, Elliot Smith. He had such a poetic ending. And a steak to the heart.

Good gravy. You're totally right, though. Eric checks his calendar yesterday and figured out it was appropriate to tell that joke today. There's just doing his date in a big circle and a smiling face. It's time.

Yep. Listed needle in the hay all day to prepare. so they just work at virgin megastore for no reason this movie made me realize i kind of miss virgin megastore because i mean like you like to browse i do i love to browse man but they like they had a really solid DVD collection at least the ones in the city did i don't know about you know other chains of it or whatever i like record stores and music stores i mean like yeah it's a sad thing that those things are gone. I always love the I want to do an FYE that still exists

somewhere because I live in New Jersey now and there's still FYE's in New Jersey. And it's just, they still have like the CD sampling station. Really? Yeah. I was like, wow, this takes me back. I was in Rested Soul, the Virgin Megastore in Times Square one time back in like

the early 2000s. And I'm just looking through some CDs. It was a great time killer, you know? That's what the best part about it was just killing time. And I just feel this person behind me and I look and there's a gigantic like seven foot man in like an oversized black t-shirt

was it Frankenstein? No it was just this very angry looking man and he goes excuse me sir I'm gonna ask you to leave this aisle and I was like why what happened and he just looks me dead in the eye like he couldn't believe I even had the audacity to ask him this question and he just goes

Mr. Durst is trying to shop and I fucking look behind this guy and there is Fred Durst just looking at the back of a CD and I'm the only one in the aisle with this man and I'm like does this asshole really need a whole

aisle to himself? You should have pulled out a pistol shot up and yelled Sips SEP for Tyratus. That's what he was always afraid of. Getting assassinated. I saw him. I saw his face. Oh.

There's something wrong with me, you see? There's something so. wrong so like she's like oh i'm having all these terrible nightmares she goes to she's got a friend who's a priest so there's a lot of i mean like there's christianity in the in the dracula myth there's christianity in the vampire myth but this movie is like produced by kirk cameron there's a secret kirk cameron credit in this film somewhere yeah i think like if you went back and looked at it the e in west had like an accent over it's like waist craven it's like

fucking kirk cameron's gnome de film or whatever you know what i mean because they really start laying it on pretty thick like the love of jesus in this movie i mean like you know that's i i think christianity and horror goes especially catholicism and horror goes like really hand in hand in a great way the exorcist absolutely so you could do that and this movie just the divinci code absolutely and you know but this movie just misses whiffs on it big time well especially the big twist that they at the end of this movie, which we'll get to. And like, I'm like, oh, cool, Nathan Philean, like 2000, Nathan Filian, didn't know he existed back then, you know, I thought he was pre his season on Buffy, right?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because he was in the last season of Buffy? Yeah, which I think is like 2003. Yes, yeah, yeah. So this is like pre-firefly, pre-everything. And like, oh, cool, I hope he's going to, and like, he's a priest. I always kind of like priest characters that, like, get into trouble and start doing shit.

Uh-huh. They've been doing that lately. But you, like, lately, do you? You mean centuries? Yeah, I'm still in my Dracula clock. What is this new habit? They're all forming, by the way. It's horrible.

And it's coming from me saying this. It's too bad for Dracula. I'm a monster. Say what you want about Dracula. He believes in the age of consent. Dracula don't fucking fiddle with kids, though. I'll tell you that much. No, and that's the bit of bullshit in that.

interview with the vampire, by the way, like, Kirsten Dunst's character is all upset because she's, like, looking at that naked chick in the window, like, I'll never be that. Fuck you, Brad Pitt. Is he fucking that kid in the books? I mean, I don't know. Well, you know, if you could, if anyone wants to check out AudibleTrials.com. At W.H.m. And see if F.

Mary Abraham tells you. That he fuck the kids. Yeah. Yeah, right into we all hate movies at gmail.com if that happens. Because you know what? I'm just not going to read Anne Rice. I saw that movie and I saw the Aaliyah one and that's my only experience with Anne Rice adaptation. I think it's pretty probably heavily implied that they are, in fact, lovers.

But that they have, but probably by then she has lived a long enough that she's not actually a child in her mind. No, I mean, she's not. And that's the whole thing in the movie is like when she's at that scene where she's looking in the window. And she's like, I'll never be that because you turn me into a fucking vampire when I was 12 years old. old you bastard I don't know I haven't seen that is that a good movie

that's something that I wonder if it holds up I haven't seen it in a long time but I remember liking it I remember a low point of that movie

being Antonio Banderas we are the only real evil left and he does the fire of it that's uh yeah I saw it like three maybe two three years ago because I remember that line

uh it's not a great movie it's a totally watchable movie yeah it's not like a great vampire movie but if you know you kind of dig that stuff it's cool it's a better vampire of the movie than what we brought

to the table today. Yeah, at the end, Tom Cruise is driving around in a Ferrari. Well, because Chris, uh, what's his name? Slater. Christian Slater's driving around the Ferrari and he does like the pop-up from the back and see what guns and roses is a trade-up from fucking Lincoln Park in this. Very, very well-said. They're covering the stones. So there you go. Um, just before we put age of consent to bed. Uh, heaven forbid. This is a great way to put that, by the way. A thing about Dracula shouldn't be so high on his horse

versus the priests, I mean, because he is after girls who are like 18, 19, 20, when he's like 580 or whatever. Well, what are you saying? He's got to go for like fucking Chloris Leachman? Yeah. You want someone at least who can remember the Crimean War with you. I think Cloris Leachman remembers the crime. I mean, well, oh, she read about it.

I heard about Prussia once. Not the same conflict. So, yeah, so it's this whole thing. Like, Mary has made it very clear to vitamin C that she's having these issues. And instead of like seeking professional help, like she just talks to her ditsy roommate and vitamin C is just like, I don't know. I mean, I think you should probably just take some more vitamins and just get sleep and just, you know, why don't you meditate and do yoga? Hey, guys, remember graduation day? That was fun.

Friends forever God, that song But I mean, yeah, like the whole The whole thing is like, you know Oh, you have all these horrible problems Yeah And you're going to this friend of yours for advice It's horrible

Well, yeah, she goes to a friend And then she goes to a priest And that's no sort of advice No, exactly, you need somebody That can give you medication And she's to go to this priest She's like, well, what did my mother tell you In confession?

And he's like, you know I have these sacraments, right? And that's like big on that list. I can't just start gabbing these. about what your mother said in confession yeah like there's only seven of them like i have to keep that you know i already blew one of them leave that up to your imagination uh then we're on oh yeah go ahead one thing i want to touch on by the way is gerard butler in this movie as dracula that kenny g fucking mullet man this thing is like early 90s jerry seinfeld like it's really fucking big well i think what they're trying to imply is

he's always had this haircut. It's a timeless haircut. Like kind of like like a, like, you know, when Angel would, they flashback, Angel would have that huge mullet. Yeah, Angel did have that. Well, Angel, David Boreannis, they always made him look like Gaston from Beauty and the Beast when they did the Angel

flashbacks. I mean, it's just, it's really terrible. And you know, you want to get with the Times, Dracula, okay? Like, you're going down to New Orleans. It's like Mardi Gras, you want to be hip and whatever. And I know you can just like stare at a chick and she'll come to you and whatever. But like, I don't know.

How about just caring about your appearance? Like, you look so out of date. I think it's sort of like also like maybe kind of like a rock star type of implication. Like he's wearing all black. Yeah. He's got kind of long hair. He looks a little effeminate, which tises you a little bit. And, you know.

But the problem is this is like it's pre 300 Gerard Butler. It's pre-Rein of Fire, Gerard Butler. he's very tiny in this movie he's still got like those glorious washboard abs but like you know he's small in the shoulders small in the arms so with like that body the very thin face and that hair

he just looks like goofy Steve Coogan he's asleep with that he does well I'm sure Steve Coogan's done all right let's throw that out there but so like they're on the plane now like these super criminals have their own plane right they've made zero money

on this and they're like they're all Stead around this coffin, like, all right, Danny Masterson, you drew the short straw, get this thing open. And already, there's been this, like, kind of hilarious, it kind of reminded me of that scene in Hot Shots Part Dea, where, like, everyone starts getting cut open at the same time. And, like, they have to wrap it up because everyone keeps getting cut over on this coffin and the blood keeps going inside to Dracca can drink it. Yeah, which is so stupid. Here's the thing, right? You're Christopher Plummer. You're fucking Abraham Van Helsing.

you know what it will take to bring Dracula back to life, okay? You're putting him in this coffin that you made out of silver and whatever. Why is it blood penetrable? Yeah. How is the blood getting in there? How did you miss that? What is the matter with you? Are you supposed to be a professional fucking vampire hunter?

Why are there air holes in there? He's a fucking vampire. Maybe to keep the leeches alive or something. Yeah, maybe the leeches needed. Why am I trying to explain the movie? I mean, the movie failed to explain it. So, yeah, so, like, Danny Masterson, like, is trying to do it, and all this blood gets in there, and then, like, Dracula pops up. And he cut, Dracula looks coolest at this point, because he's all, like, uh, he's, like, all prosthetics.

He's got, like, long white hair. He kind of looks at the Tom Cruise at the end of interview with the vampire. Yes. He also kind of looks like, uh, if you ever played Castlevania Symphony of the Night, Alou Card? Wow. Yeah, that 10 nerds just cheered in unison somewhere. It's, it's, for those of you who don't know Alucard, by the way it's the cryptkeeper he looks like the cryptkeeper uh yeah so he pops out of this coffin

because danny masters has been bleeding all over the place well he does the whole thing is they're trying to of course get the coffin open because there's jewels inside of them and you know they he gets this coffin open it's like good for you danny master sin you know what though if there's a fucking body in there you know what i'm not doing poking and prodding it and pulling leeches off i mean that's what i was watching this movie it's like why wouldn't you just go and be like hey guys i got it open. Hey, guys, we completely wasted our time. There's just a body in here because it's a coffin.

Open the fucking hatch at the back of the plane. And let's just kick it out. We'll cut our losses. Hey, guys, I think he's got Byron in here. I don't know what this. I'm not entirely sure. It might be Byron. So, yeah, he gets bled all over.

And so he comes to life, kills Danny Masterson. And, yeah, then he comes out. He kind of, like, seduces Jennifer Esposito in front of Omar Eps. And, like, Omar was like, dude. And, like, he vampires her real quick. Yeah, he vampires her. Vampires Omar Epps. Well, he bites Omar Epps and becomes a vampire later.

Kills the shit out of what's his, or no, does he kill him or does he vampire him? Oh, the other guy. Or he vampires, all of them, actually. They all become, they all get a vampire. But it's a big, stupid, like, slasher on a plane thing for a little bit. So he eliminates them one by one. It also tries to set up some rules about Dracula because Omar Epps shoots a gun into the hull of the ship or whatever. Ship.

Ah, airplane. There it is. And then light comes in and he like, Gerard Butler can't go through the beam of light. Right. So they end up just flying into a thunderstorm conveniently. Well, that was a weird thing was it really appears like this thunderstorm was created out of evil.

I think it's a Dracula thunderstorm. I think Draculia. This is a thing that's a bit of bullshit. We've run into this with other things before. It's like these movies that make up their own rules for these things. As a matter of fact, vampire in Brooklyn, it's the same thing. Like, you're just making up shit that vampires can do. When the fuck has a vampire ever controlled the weather?

When has that ever happened? Ever. It's kind of like the scene in X2 and, like, storms making the clouds happen on the plane. Yeah, maybe there's like, because it's Dracula and he's like Mr. King vampire. Maybe like he just brings along the gloomy weather, Transylvania, everywhere he goes. He's like the John Cusack of vampires. It's just always raining on track you? Why does it totally rain on me?

So, Ben Helsing gets to New Orleans, and there's the most convenient news report in the history of news reports. It's unbelievable. Like, he's walking, like, he's just got there, and he's walking through the airport. And it's like, we have shocking footage of the presumed pilot. Sensitive viewers may want to turn away. He was bizarrely lashed to the yoke with radio cable and bound and twisted pipe. The remaining four victims, as well as an antique silver coffin, were removed to nearby Clark, where a tiny town hall has been transformed into a morgue tonight.

News report, a plane crashed, and there's all these bodies, blah, blah, blah. There's all these bodies, and like, it's Jerry Ryan from Star Trek Voyager. Yes, she's Voyager. And, you know, she's like, oh, you know, I'm here at the bayou when this happened, where this happened. And the plane landed here. This is some disturbing footage. And there's, like, shots of people dead in the plane? That would never happen.

Even on, like, today's disgusting 24-hour news cycle, they would never be like, and now a bunch of corpses. The parade begins. And she has this, like, really convenient line. And it makes no sense. And it doesn't serve the movie. I mean, it sits a stage for an action scene. She's like, and because it happened here, there's no morgue, so it's in a town hall instead. What, like, exactly?

What are you talking about? Like, all right, it's a small town fine. Like, you're just. just going to drive it to a hospital because you know what there's four people i understand maybe like a dc 10 goes down somewhere and there's like fucking 300 people you have to figure out then you're renting out the high school gymnasium then you're you know doing whatever there's like five people on this plane yeah you know it's just like drive these corpses to the hospital it's during marty gruff oh yeah everything's shut down for the weekend

We're never going to get to the traffic? There's just so many corpses already in there from Barney Grah. And partying, et cetera. So Van Helsing gets to town and instantly Johnny Lee Miller's like, hey, I followed you here, which is just so fucking dumb. There's a line somewhere where he's like, Christopher Plummer is like, how did you know where I was going or whatever?

And he's like, it helps to have a friend who works at Heathrow. Johnny Lee Miller's character is kind of like this guy. This, like, badass kid that was taken under Van Helsing's wing. Like, because later, when Van Helsen dies, spoiler alert. He's like, I owe your father. He made a man out of me. I used to be, like, a shitty punk kid. Now I deal in Antiques with him.

He really set me on the straight and arrow. So, yeah, they get to this high school of a gymnasium. And all these vampires start coming alive. And he's like, all right, Johnny, if you're going to follow me, you have to realize, trust your eyes because vampires are real. And he's like, really, vampires? If I'm working for a guy named Van Helsing and who says that he descends from the line that Van Helsing was fucking, I'd always

kind of half suspect vampires were around. Oh, yeah. And honestly, that would kind of entice me to stay around. We're going to shooty antique shop. Like, yeah, sure, I'll look at a bunch of old vases with you, because eventually one day vampires are going to come. And I'll help you fight vampires. The problem with these vampires, by the way, is they are so snappy with the ones. one-liners all this shit i thought fucking dennis miller was gonna come out of somewhere and it's that

fucking shitty what's that fucking movie he did bordello of blood where they're all vampires him and angie ever hard that's the title that might be if i can stay tuned to we hate movies near you well they're all it's all it's all really reminiscent of the buffy the vampire slayer movie you know what i mean like david uh david arquette like all the one-liners he has and paul rub it's like because the movie has the dracula 2000 has this really dower uh pace and dower like it's all dead and oh my god this poor girl whose mother's dead and all this stuff but these vampires that

aren't Dracula are fucking bebop and scatting all over the place it's because they're trying to make scream with vampires it's just like how what the movie they did in like the early 2000s cursed it's the same thing with West Craven's curse like he's just trying to recreate the vibe of scream

with werewolves yeah and it just it's so so terrifically unsuccessful you know I mean it's really embarrassing because you just you see right through that because one it's the same company but two you know it's only four years out and you're trying to write that snappy kevin williamson dialogue and all that stuff and it's just not fucking happening well but it doesn't work because magic is involved like once magic becomes part of your story everything changes it's

not kids that like are like you know obsessed with horror movies and blah blah blah blah self referential violence it's fucking vampires and dracula and van helsings i think to a degree and i don't i don't know i don't want to say this is a mandatory thing uh because buffy didn't do it this way and you know i don't care too much for the movie but the tv show i really liked but they didn't you know stick to this but i feel like for the most part with when you're dealing with vampires you need a certain level of class that you have to stick to like there's a certain level of, you know, like maturity that you have to have. Decorum

for vampires. Thank you. You know, and the fact that, yeah, as you put it, they're bebop and scatting all over the place, it's so, it just feels like square peg round hole. Uh, to point, to wit, uh, Danny Masterson's a fucking vampire. And he's just

be it Danny Masterson. Well, it's that and then there's uh, Omar Epps has something. Oh, this is a terrible line. in this the big battle where the two of them fight all these vampires

in the school gymnasium or whatever he's like what's his name Johnny Lee Miller is going around and he's like trying to think of all the stuff

he knows about vampire lore and what he can do or whatever and he holds up a cross this is a great part and fucking Omar Epps goes sorry sport I'm an atheist

like really atheism gags like fucking stop you can't if if a vampire doesn't believe in uh god which dracula believes in yeah but it just doesn't worry how why would it cancel it out you know what i mean like why would just him not believing god cancel out god's power of evil yeah exactly like they are products of like christian lore of some kinds yes you know i'm sure at some point dracula fucking nabda Jewish guy along the way, you know, and the rules

fucking apply, man. It's got nothing to do with your religious beliefs. Maybe even like a star David would hurt a vampire because it's got like a religious connotation to it. That would be awesome. That would be such like an affirming moment for Jewish people because it kind of always feel like in these movies, it kind of proves Christianity right at the end of the day? Because it's just like the cross works. So that means Jesus came and that means

that's the one true religion, right? Everybody? Folks, if you want to see some good, like, Jewish folklore, check out this movie called Dergallum from, like, 20s, German Expressionism. I think I'm pretty sure it's silence, right, Andrew? It's silent, yeah. And that is about a giant clay stone man that comes to life. And it's, it's like a Jewish European legend. Yeah, that's cool. But, I mean, I think the whole idea is, you know, like this stuff affects vampires because vampires are, you know, the anti-religion.

Like, they are, they're demons. So theoretically, yeah, any kind of symbol of religious good would fuck them up. And, you know, but in this case, in this world, it's all rooted around Christianity and everything. And to the point where Johnny Miller, Omar Epps is like, sorry, bro, I'm an atheist. And then Johnny Lee Miller is like, God loves you anyway. It's like this, it's like a snappy one-liner, but it's also like, come to church sometimes. We're pretty hip these days, you know. There's so much shit like that.

There's so much shit of like, you know, the end of this movie, you know, Mary. has all those lines about like he still loves you he still loves you count dracula and then it's it's like getting to a point where dracula's like no he doesn't and it's like oh my god kirk cameron waste craven so most of these vampires get slaughtered well at least danny masterson finally bites it here uh jennifer espizito and omar neps get away Well, Jennifer Esposito is arrested by the police Yeah And then she has this kind of awesome Like Terminator 2 scene Where she's like getting interrogated by detectives

It's Terminator 2 meets like Basic Instinct She's all being all sexy And she's just like Oh, you don't know what it's like to be Have this inside you And like I want you inside me And then she talks about like

That she could see the line of his cock Through his pants And I'm like, woo Yeah And the thing that's really annoying about this is like she's saying all this shit. And on the other side of this like, you know, double-sided mirror or whatever, there's like a couple of, you know, police detectives or whatever. And this one police detective is like a fucking wolf of it out of like a loony tune. He's like licking his lips like, oh my God.

What is she saying? Oh, the outline of my cock. You're just like, come on. How about a little professionalism? Like you let your guard down every time some fucking suspect starts saying all. seductive things to you? No, no, no, but it's Mardi Gras week. That detective

doesn't work vice anymore. They're like, you know what? You know what, Ted Homicide for you? But if Dracca comes in, Buster out, and he does have this really one cool line. Like, this is like the doctor is like screaming his head off because Dracca's

going to kill him. And he has this line. Dignity. Doctor. Which is kind of great. It's kind of badass. Like, Gerard Butler doesn't do a terrible job, except that he has to keep that Scottish accent at bay.

Yeah, which is, you know, that's like holding a lion back with a dog loose. It's really tough. And, you know, to his credit, though, I mean, he really does the best you can with a thick fucking brogue like that, man. Like, it's just, if he was just playing a Scottish vampire and not fucking Romanian draculia,

like, maybe we're getting somewhere. McLeod the vampire. I'd fucking love that movie Connor McLeod Of the Clan McLeod They turned me into a vampire on the moors So he kills the shit out of that guy Jennifer Esmer

Kills the shit out of that horn dog detective And like this is when Christopher Plummer sits Johnny Lee Miller down on his knee and is like All right now here's the story of vampires And like it's this long ass thing with flashbacks And he's talking like he basically like In the beginning when you see Dracula go to England, that's when

finally Van Helsing got the better of him and like they caged him, they kind of sort of killed it, but there's no way, in this world there's no way to kill Dracula. That's the big thing. And he's like, and I've been keeping myself alive through these leeches and, you know, some prime smack. It's been, it's been a great time.

All I had to do was push off once a night. I got sky high and I've been alive for 200 years. And now it keeps him alive. but it doesn't make him a vampire right like yeah it's never insinuated that he's a vampire right so it's just like you got to take vampire blood through like the subsidiary that is a leech and then funnel it into you that is your account that's how you don't infect yourself with vampirism i think about it the mindset of like the blade lore like vampirism is a virus yeah and a couple other uh vampire things over the years have done that

treating it like a virus kind of a thing so yeah like if he's directly in injecting the shit into himself like you're going to infect yourself well i need a blood transfusion but i don't want to get AIDS so i'm going to funnel it through a leech and then no AIDS right and he's like now he's after my daughter god damn it because like she's got a little she's like one eighth Dracula on her father's side right yeah exactly why is she related at all to who Christopher plumber yeah did i miss something he's he's he's her father why Well, because when a man and a woman love each other. But why do I need this in this movie?

Oh, no, yeah, it's complete garbage. Well, because that's the way, because, again, this is a new hit fucking Dracula. It's dragging a 2000, everybody. It's got to be, you know, it can't be, you know, stuffy old Van Helsing anymore. It's got to be this hot chick who's like the next generation vampire on her, Buffy, you know? Yeah, do you think Abraham Van Helsing is out there like every century or so? Yeah, I, you know, I knock up some chick, no big deal. I mean, I'm not going to leave London.

There's fucking Dracula in the cooler over there. But speaking of Dracula 2000, the best trivia on IMDB is good. Is whatever the writer was on this project or the credited writer now is got this call from Harvey Weinstein. He's like, Barry, I got this great project for you. It's called Dracula 2000. He's like, oh, yeah, is the script any good? And he's like, it's crap. He's like, why'd you buy it?

It's called Dracula. 2000. This is how the Weinstein brothers prepared for Y2K. All we got to do is release a movie called something 2000. The world will be saved. Right, Hav.

Right, Bob. You want to do Reservoir Dogs? 2000. That wouldn't make a... Let's do it. It's 2000. The English patient, 2000. 2000. Death race, 2000, 2000.

so yeah that's the story of how this movie got made Harvey Weinstein likes numbers that match with the year Harvey Weinstein's the last of the cigar chomping producers you know what I mean like the last guy there's gotta be big you know everybody lost 2000 it's gonna be huge yeah no like Kevin Smith once compared him he said he was like modern times Jack Warner which I you know like I just I love big suspenders cigar

just doing it you know Bad attitude. Very difficult and picky when coming to work every day. Probably could kill you and leave you in a ditch and, you know, that's just how it is. Oh, absolutely. You don't cross people like that, which is why this movie is a C plus. Rented immediately. From your local blockbuster.

It's on the wall. There's a whole wall of them. 40 copies. No one ever took them to this day. So, I mean, this is when the movie really kind of muddles along. Yeah. Because it's all a lot of like this, because our protagonist is this woman, this Mary woman, who's like, we say this about a lot of movies, which I always think is the worst way to have a protagonist in an adventure story where they're 10 steps away from the action all the time. Always.

Until like the last 10 minutes, which you realize Dracula's Dracula. And it's like, you know what, Mary, let's fucking pay attention for two seconds, shall we? like there's really not too much to put together here. Let me think, huh. My last name's Van Helsing. That's number one. And then there's vampires. Huh. Huh. There's that book that everyone keeps talking about. That silly fictitious account.

She must have gotten that growing up every goddamn week. I know the book's like selection at the Virgin Megastore was always the most pathetic part of that store. That's actually going to suck growing up at England and your last name's Van Helsie. to board it. Abraham Eelson, go slay me a vampire.

Like, throw an orange at her head. Jokes on them now. Yeah, there sure is. So, I mean, yeah, so eventually then they just kind of get on the case of Draculia. But it's weird because Mary Van Helsing and Abraham Van Helsing never meet up with each other. Never. Because he is viciously murdered by Dracula before this can all go down. Oh, this is a bad scene.

I mean, it's kind of one of the best scenes in the movie. It's not bad. I mean, it's a whole, it's like, you know, Gerard Butler's like, Abraham Van Helsing. I knew it was you or whatever. And he's like, now Draculia, not my daughter. And fucking Gerard Butler just picks up this old man and like tosses him like over his shoulder into this mirror. There's a lot of matrix spins in this movie because it's 2000. Yeah, there's a lot of wirework. And he goes right through it. And then like, I guess like Christopher Pollan, tries to, like, hide under a bed and he gets a glanced? Oh, yeah. It's a total Jason Voorhees killing. Like, they stick the big fucking pole through the mattress, and he's just a fucking

shish kebab. I was sorry. I was just going to say, by the way, this is how the greatest vampire hunter of legend dies. Like, he's been staying alive for so many centuries just to be knifed in a fucking pillow. Yeah, he dies under vitamin C's comforter. Speaking of, I don't want to live for it's forever.

I don't want to miss the scene when Dracula himself goes into a virgin megastore. Oh, yeah. Oh, man. Yeah. So, okay, so he goes into the Virgin Megastore because he somehow knows that that's where Mary works. But first, he stands outside the Virgin Megastor and watches a monster magnet music video for like three minutes. And you see that Dave Grohl-looking motherfuckers singing that horrible song. And I want to get the line right because it's really horrible.

He's looking at this video and he's watching. He just goes, brilliant. They're like, fucking seriously. You don't like Monster Magnet, Dracula. No way Draculia likes Monster Magnet. You know why? Because no one liked Monster Magnet. What a fucking misstep in the music industry.

And that's the thing about Dracula being in the top of the monster totem pole. He's a man of taste and culture. Trendsetter. And it's not even, but it's not even the monster magnet hit. That's the problem. It wasn't Space Lord Mother, Mother. Yeah, exactly. I've been stuffed in your pocket.

for the last hundred days. Yeah, I can sing that whole song. Last hundred centuries. I've been stuck in your crypt. That'd be the way. If I was Weird Al. Yeah, we need to do a Dracula cover of that song. How many songs did Weird Al do about Dracula?

I don't know. I've never listened to a weird L.C. I don't know. I just imagine. Oh, I guess I'm going to doctor to Mento or one of those people. Yeah, that's kind of all the same. But so he's going... Sub comedy.

my apologies to recording artists Weird Al Yankovic and Elliot Smith in this episode It's too late for Elliot Smith You're getting haunted Eric Siska stars in Burn Down the music industry So yeah So after you watch this

This sweet monster magnet video He goes inside this Virgin Mega store And he's walking around And it's like you know what I never need to see Dracula fucking perusing the new metal section Like, it's so stupid. Maybe he needed a sweet nightmare before Christmas poster.

Maybe that's why he's going in there. That will spruce up the crypt. But he's in this scene. He's also a killer Babe Magnet, man. Oh, yeah. Which is a ridiculous part in this movie is like, it's the middle of Mardi Gras. And this Virgin Megastore is filled with nothing but beautiful women.

There's no dudes looking for CDs that night. Like, it's just all these chicks. And they're all just like, Dracula. Oh, love that, Dracula. Yeah, I'm sorry. Virgin Megastor is where all the sweet babes and the immortal gods go to shop. Go to Virgin Megastor. You can see Sidney Crawford and Thor at Virgin, Virgin, Megastore.

You don't know. The New Orleans branch had fucking Dracula and babes. Mine just had fucking Fred Durst. What a disappointment. Yeah, New York really got the short shaft. So, yeah, so he's walking around. runs into vitamin C and she's like oh can I help you find a monster magnet album and he's like oh yeah I'm looking for Mary and she's like oh well I'm her roommate and she's not here right now

and it's instantly just picking this guy up yeah she brings it back to her house to Mary's house and they have this great they live in this crazy man the uh Gothic mansion for no reason yeah it's it's a movie house where you know vitamin C's got the fucking bottom floor and Mary's got the top floor two floors you're both working at virgin fucking records yeah the rent is 60 bucks a month and like she's like well yeah you can come in and wait for mary then and then she's just like once he's in her house she's like oh i forgot to ask your name yeah you did you just invited this fucking creep into your house and he's like uh frank dracula yes my name's angus dracula from the Dracula clan.

I mean family. I mean, oh, Dracula. Oh, Dracula. Mac Dracula. Mac Dracula. Angus Mac Dracula? Oh, God, I want that so much. That's a shitty comic book title somewhere.

So they then proceed to just get down to some zero gravity sex acts, by the way. Oh, they're fucking on the ceiling. having a party Because they're having regular sex And they go all the way to the ceiling They just have a They have a near miss with a fucking ceiling fan It's like if Peter Vankman screwed that

Sigourney Weaver flying chick there There's no Dana only Zool me If you fucked Zool man That's what the scene is, right? How tempted do you think Peter Vankman was To get that going? You know what? No, he is, I really love that scene because it's like, you know what, this woman's, it's like the best case against state rape.

He's like, this woman would probably have sex to be under different circumstances, but I know for a fact that she's not in her right mind, so I'm leaving it alone. He's a good guy. He is. He's a class act that fake you. He's all talk. Yeah, it might be kind of hard to resist, Zul, being honest with you. Ray's stance, on the other hand, is an inexperienced boy man.

Oh, yeah, he would do anything. That weird blowjob ghost scene? What I love about that, though, is the story is that's from a deleted scene where the Ghostbusters take a case at like a cabin in the woods. What? Yeah, I want to see the Ghostbusters camping trip because you know they're roasting stay puffed marshmaries. The Ghostbusters versus the evil dead. That is some fucking fan film if I've ever heard it. Shutter.

So, yeah, he fucks vitamin C in terms of. or into a vampire. And then, yeah, then Christopher Plummer dies. And then, like, finally Mary comes home after her shift or whatever. I mean, at some point, Omar Epps dies, but it's kind of a waste of time. He dies, and he's decapitated,

which is a big way of killing vampires in this movie. Yeah. And his head is thrown into a virgin megastore dumpster. That's the thing. It's like, there's so, like, all right. Even the dumpster is product placement on it. Exactly. Like, you have so many seats of the Virgin Megastore. I have it

forgot to go to Virgin Megastore and pick up this awesome soundtrack. Leave me alone. Honestly, folks, we are not exaggerating. Probably about one third of this film takes place at Virgin Megastore or in the parking lot of a Virgin Megastore. And if it's not at the Virgin Megastore, someone

is wearing their Virgin Megastore staff t-shirt. And what's great now, though, is like, if you showed this movie to like a 15-year-old kid, they'd be like, what the fuck's Virgin Megastore? Yeah. Because that shit's just done. They'd be like, what, the airplane company?

What are they doing? They sold C... What the fuck's a CD? Yeah, they're in everything company. They are in everything company. You think Richard Branson's going to the moon? Uh, we'll see. Because he wants to do that whole, like, tourism to space thing.

I kind of imagine he'll be, like, that guy in contact... About, like, William Hurt in contact at the end, and he's like, want to go for a ride? And he's got, like, all sorts of terrible cancer. Man, contact is a bad movie. I've seen it like six times I don't know why What business do you have Watching Contact 60

It's a very watchable movie Yeah because you know The aliens send us Hitler back Right or something They send Hitler broadcasts Yeah Whatever And you got

What was that Jake Bucci Oh yeah there's a lot of Jake Bucci Bigsy long hair is a nut Yeah teeth and around Who's proven to be right I don't know I mean at this point Like finally Johnny Lee Miller

meets up with Mary and takes her to the church as a kind of a safe house. They're like, we need to figure out a way to kill Dracula. Let's look at all these. It's like, it's the now we're looking at books in the library scene. There's a research scene, which again, Buffy did so much better. You know, I could sit there and watch the Buffy TV show research scenes for hours on end. Yeah, because it's fun, it's snappy.

And like, there's all these characters you give a shit about, good dialogue, interesting things relayed. I could never get into it. Really? Yeah. That's a bummer. It's lit reasonably well. This whole movie is so goddamn. bright because it's yeah like it's it's scream like the score is entirely scream it's all like

all over the place and like it's all bright like but that doesn't work for a fucking vampire movie no i need like if you want to get colorful the most you can do is some deep blues yeah that's it baby i you know come on how about some deep reds what about plaid how do what are your feelings about plot one thing i wanted to pop in before we get out of this research scene is when are exiting Mary's house after the oh yeah it's my favorite thing in the world Johnny Lee Miller like

gets her out of this house and whatever and they turn around and Dracula has turned into a gigantic wolf and he jumps out of this house and Johnny and Miller's got this gigantic like silver steak gun thing that Christopher Plummer gave him and he shoots this shit off

and it hits this wolf square in the chest and the wolf explodes into a flock of bats All right. Whatever you say, Dracula. That's all I can say. To this movie's defense, we have never tried to shoot a wolf with a silver state.

We do not know the effects. Modern science. It could turn to a bunch of bats. Yeah. We should get out into the field immediately and see what we can do about this. Get some conclusive concrete evidence. Become a video podcast where we're just killing animals. We'd get taken to jail pretty quick.

We hate jail time. We hate Peter, I guess. Eh, it sucks. But at the end of the research seeds, Dracula shows up, he's like, stop reading all those books. And like, what's that the Bible? Yeah, he's like, oh, I hate the Bible.

It's propaganda, it is. Yeah, he straight up calls it propaganda. You're like, come on. Well, in his defense, it does skew a favorable view of Jesus. So, like, he, Johnny Lee Miller's like holding Dracula back with the Bible He's like run Mary run away and she does And he goes and like Johnny Lee Miller opens this old

Like leatherbound Bible and pages shoot out like a projectile And they're like kind of like glowing orange Like they're partially on fire It's like I really want The page and the screenplay that describes this action Where it says And then the book explodes in the vampire beast's face Because what an exploding book, seriously?

I mean, it's as unwelcome and unknowable as Superman and Superman 2 thrown that cellophane ass. Like, it's just like, what power is this now? All of a sudden, exploding books? It's just nothing. And this phases Dracula for approximately half a second. It doesn't, like everything in this movie, the whole idea of like Dracula is unstoppable because he's the first vampire or whatever. Yeah.

It's such fucking bullshit. So they go to this graveyard and because it's in New Orleans so we have to go to a graveyard at some point. And Dracula's like dancing on top of all the fucking mausoleums

like running through this graveyard. Dancing on the graveyard. Having a party. Are you mixing up the Lionel Richie song with We're having a party? Maybe. I think that's what's happening.

You know what, man? Go with it. It's just rare Live it So there's a really shitty reference here Where Gerard Butler Like stands in front of this mausoleum

And what does it say? Spencer Hepburn Spencer Hepburn Which it's like This movie has no right Putting in things That's one of the filmmakers Appreciated

It should be like Christopher Hammer Like that's like Oh that's kind of cool Exactly like how about fucking I don't know Count Lagosie. Anything related to horror world, not fucking classic Hollywood.

What are you doing? Neither of those actors ever played a vampire. They never set foot in a fucking horror movie. Well, in my dream world, I would have cast Spencer Tracy as Dracula. Oh, man, he would have been a leather-faced Dracula if I ever saw one. Yeah, he's more of a lon cheney.

He could only play mummies, phantoms of operas and werewolves. Not swam vampires Yeah definitely not a sexy Dracula Did they set this movie in New Orleans To snag that Anne Rice fan base by the way I don't know I mean it's just a colorful hip location I don't know

In the American prism of viewing vampire lore I feel like New Orleans is the closest We can get to that Yeah yeah I mean yeah it's like You know A town obsessed with the dead It's like America's Europe You know

New Orleans America's Europe. I like that. They're going to change the name. So what happens is she gets kidnapped by Dracula at this point. And he brings it, of course, to like some church-ish thing or not a church. It's just like a building. It actually looks like the courtyard from Melrose Place without the pool. Like Johnny Miller, like what's really annoying about this is she gets captured.

Dracula explodes into a cloud of fog. Like you do. And Johnny Miller's left in this. cemetery, cut to Johnny Lee Miller walking down Bourbon Street with this huge gun and nobody's saying anything. And then, you know, the three brides of Dracula, which are vitamin C, Jennifer Esposito, and we haven't touched on her too much. But Jerry Ryan. Well, she doesn't do anything in this movie. That's true. She doesn't. She just makes a bunch of jokes about her huge boobs. And so the three of them are like the brides of Dracula. They're like seducing Johnny Lee Miller or whatever. And he kind of

has a shitty fight scene with them. Instantly kills Jerry Ryan, by the way. So flat out not doing anything in this movie. Yep. So tell me, do you dream about making it with a TV stop? And this sets up like the final standoff. And the whole thing is on this rooftop like greenhouse or whatever. And it's vitamin C and Jennifer Esposito tie.

Johnny Lee Miller. Johnny Lee Miller to a post or whatever, which this is so annoying. Because you know what? Just fucking kill him. You would have killed them anyway. because you're a bloodthirsty vampire. You're an animal. You're not eating anything today.

But there's also this thing where like Mary's obsessed with figuring out, she's like, there's something from the Dracula legend that doesn't add up. We're missing something. So I think at this point she kind of like lets herself get bitten just to know the unknowable. Right. But then it's like, so how does she know that the bite of the vampire will tell the story? Like, you know, like they do like a mind meld or whatever. And I remember when it happened

When I saw it in the theater And I wasn't alone in the theater There were shockingly a bunch of audience members There were like two or three Separate from opposite ends of the auditoriums Combinations of what the fucks And you've got to be kidding me When they revealed that Draculia's true identity

Judas Ascariate What? Like come on It makes absolutely no sense. It's the biggest dog shit I've ever been fed. But you're telling me that Vlad, the impaler, Count Dracula, was, is the same person as Judas betrayer of Jesus? And it's just, it's bullshit because, like, they show the scene and, like,

and, like, it's very sympathetic to Judas. And it's just like, I didn't know what I was doing. And I just, you know, I was playing my part. And, like, he gets, he gets 30 pieces. It's all, it's like the flashiest the movie gets because, like, all of a sudden, like, he bites her and then they're in this, like, white bedroom. It turns into those fantasy scenes from that Jennifer Lopez movie, The Cell. Yeah, it does. Like, because all of a sudden, Mary's just dressed in this, like, beautiful outfit and there's this, like, red silk, four-post fuck bed.

You get to DeNaprio's wearing a dress. Slowly walking out of a pool of water, whatever the fuck happens in that movie. that's a trippy flake by the way I would actually recommend that movie but yeah and then like you know he then we go back and we see like he kisses Jesus on the cheek and all this shit and then like

he and then it's just him hanging himself and all the pieces of silver go away and then he doesn't die that's the whole thing right is God steps in and he's like not so fast Judas no suicide for you and then you know like he just hangs

there till the sun goes down he doesn't fucking die. And that's how a vampire started. So God God is responsible for all the carnage. All the carnage. Back in 1800s, London, up until 2,000 New Orleans. All the carnage.

Thanks a lot, God. Hey, Judas, you betrayed my innocent young boy, Jesus. And for the punishment for that, I want you to stick around, betray some more people, hurt some innocent folk. Yeah, as your punishment, you get to kill, fuck, steal, and live on the

eye whores. For all eternity. How the fuck is that punishment? But guess what? No sunlight for you, buddy. You could do what you want, but you know, reasonable, you know, after dark. And you're doubting Thomas, you're going to be Hellraiser now. Like, what? I don't

know. What the fuck? It doesn't make any sense. How is that a punishment? I'd love to see the scene of doubting Thomas, like his beard and long brown hair just all pulled off and just pins getting shoved into his face. And God's like, One more pin, doubting Thomas.

Two more pins, doubting Thomas. And here's your orb, doubting Thomas. Now get at this cube, doubting, Thomas. Off to the hell dimension with you. Took me seven days to make her. It took me an afternoon to make all these boogeymen. Here's your new friends, doubting, Thomas. I call them the Cenobites.

Got a real monster squad with all these rotten disciples. Oh, Peter, you're going to deny Jesus, hum? What's the Frankenstein for you? Wait, wait. But Frankenstein wasn't around yet to be. No, no, no, no. He lived forever. You're wrong, Eric.

It'll come back around. They all live forever. And you marry Magdalene, Medusa for you. Not she's going to crease. And that's how... She's going back in time to become Medusa, by the way. time travel and snake hair for you and instead of

30 people to stone she turns with the pillar of salts Yeah that's right Because why not, why the fuck not And Pontius Pilate as Cloverfield I always feel bad For those two other dudes that got crucified Along with Jesus Well one of them goes to heaven

So he's got it good. But the other one's a rotten shit. Just is like, ah, fuck it. And Jesus turns him into Hitler. So it's okay. That's his punishment. That other guy's Ray Winstone from the departed. Oh, fuck it.

Crucify me. Fuck it. He kind of is. Because, I mean, like, here's the thing. If I'm being crucified next to this guy that's been saying he's a God and I don't believe in shit. And this other guy's like, hey, man, can you get me out of this jam? And he's like, and this day, you'll have. be with me in heaven. I wouldn't be like, ah, fuck you, pussy. Like, I'd try and get it on that sweet

action, just in case. Because, you know, as a lying, cheating scumbag, don't you possess the ability to fake the funk and give a shit about Jesus for two seconds? But in your mind, you're like, I'm not going to, you're my dying breath, I'm going to have some dignity. I'm not going to fucking beg a hobo for salvation. Thanks. Hey, buddy, we're all equal here. I got nails in my arms, too. You know, See me, right? Tell me, tell people to write a book about it.

Blasphemy. Fuck heaven. I want to be a vampire. Yeah. How do I become, how do I get into this vampire action? I just feel bad for those guys because, like, talk about getting screwed over on the world's stage, by the way.

It's like, wait. All right, so it's me and then this rapist. Okay, and who's that other guy? Oh, he's what? He's the son of God. And we're killing. Oh, this is going to be. really terrible. Yeah, there's a Pete best of the biblical age.

So Dracula 2000. I mean, the movie, this is the big fucking reveal. And, you know, now she's got this knowledge. And for some reason, like, that's the kind of, this is one of the things that this movie never nails down. Does being a vampire make you evil? Because a lot of, a lot of, most vampire lore nails that down. Sometimes it does. Sometimes you make the choice. Like the hunger gets and blah, blah, blah, doesn't do it in this movie. It's super ambiguous. It's super ambiguous, and then you've got...

Okay, I don't want to get ahead of myself. So Jennifer Esposito has hand-to-hand combat with Johnny Lee Miller, even though she's a fucking feral animal and just kill him instantly. Yeah. She decides to shoot him or try to shoot him with the steak gun. I don't know if we want to talk about the lip-biting scene. Is that something even worth it? Well, so Dracula turns Mary into a vampire.

And then, you know, they're like, all right, now you have to kill Johnny Lee Miller. That's your first fucking sacrifice. Just do it. Yeah, do it. Yeah. And she like, fake. Hey, yeah. Do it.

Do it. Yeah. Vampire action. Do it. Yeah. It's like the guy. Sounds like a rapist Joe Pesci. It's like the guy in, it's like the Nazi and falling down.

Give it to me. Give it to me. And then he gets stabbed in the heart. What's this? in there. That guy loves getting tortured and killed, which is weird. Come on, give it to me. Give it to me. So, yeah, so she like bites the inside of her mouth and just drools all over his neck and fakes, you know, biting his neck or whatever. But what doesn't make any sense about this is there is no preset plan for this. No. So she's just doing it. And Johnny Miller's like, ah, like screaming. How would he know that she's fake?

And like, like, I would be like, wait, what do you? Oh, this doesn't hurt. Oh, wait. Oh, it's a plan. Oh, I'm ruined. Oh, ow, that sucks. Ow! And it's like their old partners. They just met tonight. Yeah, this doesn't fucking rigs and murder. She's not like pulling on her ear and he's like, I get it.

Martin, I knew that when you went to bite my neck, you weren't really going to do it. I knew you were going to do it, Martin. So, yeah, so then, like, vitamin C's like, she faked it, the bitch. And then, like, they just start fighting. She gets decapitated. Oh, she gets decapitated right. quick and yeah so then so here we are and so it's dracula and mary they're having a dracula fight it's a big old matrix dracula fight and yeah this is when she she knows what's going on or

whatever and then of course wherever they are there's a gigantic uh neon lit fucking uh crucifix with with a very smug looking jesus drawing like he's just looking down like yeah okay he's got like a side smile it's one of the i i prefer these it's a very like uh um It's not a very Anglican-looking Jesus, which I like. There's some ethnicity there, and, like, he's super skinny and not, like, not your ripped Super Christ, which I'm not crazy about. Those are creepy. Yeah.

But in, in this movie, the flashbacks to actually Jesus Christ, because he's a character in this fucking movie. Yep. He's more of got of, like, a blondeish, dirty blonde beard or whatever. Yeah. I don't know. No, it doesn't work for me. He was like a dejected Baywatch cast member.

He had those sandy blonde hair back in Bethlehem. Mm-hmm. Yeah, and so, like, Johnny Lee Miller and Jenner, you're right, Jennifer Spacito's, like, trying to shoot him with his own gun. I was like, you're a fucking vampire. Yeah, just finish it off so you can double team this other vampire. Exactly. It's my first day. You're right, it is her first day.

Did someone date double team? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, she's absolutely terrible in this movie. She's awful. She's just a fucking rancid horn dog. And, you know, that's like, why isn't vitamin C acting like that? Why isn't Jerry Ryan acting like that? Like, she's just horning it the fuck up for no...

And, you know, I get it. Like, the wives of Dracula, the brides of Dracula, daughters of Dracula, you know, whatever incarnation they are. You know, they're supposed to be seductive and whatever. But she's just like, yeah. Yeah, yeah. She says, I like to suck twice in this film. She's making both of the suck jokes in this movie.

And both times I was like... Talk about just seeing a balloon deflate. And then Johnny Lee Miller cuts her head off with garden shears, which doesn't make sense because I thought the whole way you can cut a vampire's head off is with silver, right? I don't know. Maybe the really fancy garden shoes. This is America's Europe. Anti-card shoes.

So, yeah, so then it gets down to just Dracula and Mary, and she, like, wraps a bunch of wire around his neck. But this whole fight, she's trying to tell him how much Jesus loves him. Yes, yes, that's the whole thing, is she's like, he'll forgive you. he still will love you and he's like no no no no he won't fight about the woman and she wraps this wire around him and just like wraps her arms around him and throws herself off the building and it's like oh okay so the way you kill drachiel is to hang him all right and then like so that's happening and he's getting hung but he's definitely still alive and i'm like all right well

wait a second like what was the problem that christopher plumber couldn't crack and then the sun just starts coming up and dracula fucking dies and you're like no wait why why abraham van helsing like the ground zero of vampire hunters couldn't figure this shit out like for hundreds of years just put him in the backyard chain to chain them up like a goddamn dog and you're done he could have had a normal family life his wife and daughter wouldn't have had to flee to new orleans he wouldn't have had to be injecting himself for 200 years. Yeah. Maybe he figured it out, but he was

so, like, too addicted to the stuff. Yeah. He's just missing a secret. But the weird part about it is, and I mean, again, like, I don't, look, I was raised Catholic. I have no problem with Catholicism, Christianity, any of that stuff. But this movie is just

so pandering to Christian mythology where Dracula gets, like, gets into it at the end and, like, forgives Mary Van Helsing for killing him and, like, releases her from his curse. to turn the other cheek he does he's like all right you're right

maybe that maybe that old bastard I double crossed was gone to something I just don't is that a thing like I I've heard of the part of the vampire lore where it's like if you kill the vampire who made you sometimes the curse is

lifted right like the lost boys or something yeah but the Simpsons yes we kill Mr. Burns and he won't be vampires anymore but it's never I've never heard it like the Vampire, I can just be like, nah, we're cool. Yeah, don't worry about it. It's fine.

We're square. Yeah, exactly. All right, well, we're settled up. I'm going to die. I might as well let you go. And the last three minutes of this movie is so confusing. So, like, she has crazy vampire eyes. And then he goes, I forgive you.

And, like, her eyes turn white and then turn regular. And you're like, oh, I guess she's not a vampire anymore. And then he cooks up like you do when the sun happens. Yeah, he fries up in whatever. And then it's just fast forward to their back in London And there's this voiceover Of course, because every vampire hunter has to give a diary You just have to in the case that you yourself are slain

You know Long ago Judas Iscariat tried to die for his sins But he was denied Today the rope did not break And he was burned in the first light of dawn I am now the keeper What remains If the soul of Dracula still flickers in his ashes

I will keep it forever contained. For the first time in my life, I know who I am, and where my future lies. I am Mary Van Helsing. I am my father's daughter. And nothing can ever take that away. You know, she's talking about how I have the ashes of Dracula, you know, back with you.

By the way, they bring the whole coffin back. It's back in Christopher Plummer's, like, hiding place. Family heirloom. It's just an urn? Like, you just need an urn at that point, though. Why do you have a big fucking coffin? And also, though, here's the big mistake that she makes. Divvy up those ashes, man.

Fucking four corners of the globe. You know what I'm saying? Why keep them together? Exactly. So, yeah. So she's like, all right, you know, I know who I am now. I'm Mary Van Helsing. It's kind of like she's putting like the last chapter in her diary before she goes off to college.

Because she's kind of like, I'm so excited to start the new chapter of my life tomorrow. She's wearing leather pants. It's a very empowering scene. That's how you know she's down with the sickness, man. She's got those leather fucking pants on. But the last shot of the movie is her like, it's kind of like, it's you that this was a backdoor pilot for a USA TV series. Because she's like, and every week I'll fight the forces of the undead, doubting Thomas or no. Lady Van Helsing.

And the last shot is her eye turning into a vampire eye again. I'm like, well, what the fuck happened? Well, I mean, she's just got that shit going. through a blood man that gave her. So that's like, even Dracula saying we're cool, you know, that's like a thing, but no thanks. It's also potentially setting up Dracula 2001.

Well, they had A space odyssey. Oh man. Dracula in space. They did, this movie was directed by Patrick Lucier. He did this movie. He did Drive Angry with Nicholas Cage. He also directed the two

direct-to-d-d-D-Squels of this movie, Which I believe both, or at least one of them stars Jason Scott Lee who played Lou Kang. Yes, I think he's in both of them. Yeah. So that's a fun karate element, probably. I hope so. Vampires versus people who know karate. That's always fun.

Oh, man, this movie was not fun, though. Would anybody recommend this movie? No, there's nothing. I mean, like, it's interesting for the Judas element. But, like, it's just one of those things where, like, it shouldn't be a twist. It's got nothing. to do with Dracula. Let's be perfectly clear. I don't understand what you couldn't make. Like Dracula 2000. You're right, Harvey Weinstein.

That's a great concept. Let's just make Dracula 2000. Nowhere in there does it say Christianity's Dracula 2000. That's not the movie I need to see. The Holy Bible presents Dracula 2000. Monty Python and the Dracula 2000. Yeah, that sounds better than this. I would not recommend this. I mean, we watch so much. many movies for this thing and this one is just hard to get through for me I mean on top of you know I would not recommend it either on top of it being you know just a

shitty vampire movie a shitty horror movie it's a boring fucking horror movie man you want to talk about downtime I mean it's just slow as shit there's a lot of looking at your phone in this movie and you know if you're looking for vampire movies it's not like there's a short supply

like great stuff go to Netflix and find almost anything else I think the original Bella Lagosi's on Netflix. Yeah, the universe. There's a lot of the Universal Flakes got put on the instant. The whole monster squad's up there. Watch that instead of this. I almost don't.

I mean, the reason I watched them was because we talked about it on the show. But those Blade movies, like, I actually just rewatch them. And that's what Dracula 2000 is. It's like cool, sexy action vampire, blah, blah, blah, blah. With the year 2000, there's techno music. No Lincoln Park. That's kind of what I'm thinking. Yeah.

I mean, the soundtrack alone should put you off to this. And, you know, I actually, I said it at the end of the Spawn episode, I believe it was. And I'll recommend it again here. I would watch Blade Trinity over this movie. Blade Trinity is one of the worst movies I've ever seen in my life. And it was more engaging and entertaining than this movie. Oh, yeah, dude. A steak through the hard fucking funniest thing of all time.

Well, you're all welcome. Yeah, yeah, uh-huh. It's doo-do is my ringtone for a while. When you'd call, it would be a steak through the heart. A steak through the heart. When anyone else calls, it would be, I don't know, one of his popular songs. Miss Misery, yeah. A needle in the hay.

Oh, yeah, that's a real blast. No, it was actually, I had the graduation song from Vitamin C who's featured in the film. Oh, man, I keep waiting for that comeback of hers. Yeah, any day. now. Yeah, you can check the Wikipedia and there's actually documentation of her having recorded, I think, two albums

to come back to. Oh. And they just did they come out? No. You know, it's amazing. Johnny Lee Miller is just sitting on a brick of money right now.

Playing goddamn Sherlock Holmes. Dude, that guy is doing just okay. He's got it figured right out. I'm not going to say what you think I would say. Okay, yeah, you're about to put the curse on Johnny Meeville. No, no, no, no, no. Because especially because, man, that sequel's coming out. They're filming that sequel.

What's the sequel? To, what do you call? Oh, train spotting. Train spotting. Weirdly, train spotting is a summer movie for me. I kind of watch it all every summer. Get you the mood to go to the beach. Get ready for train spotting.

2000. So next week's summer rerun, as the rerun train keeps going. Halloween 3, season of, the witch. This is probably one of the all-time fan favorites episodes. We'll get to that next week. Until then, I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen, say it. Eric Siska. Take it easy.

Thank you.