We Hate Movies - S6: WHM Summer Rerun - Halloween III: Season of the Witch

Episode Date: August 18, 2016

Original Air Date: January 17th, 2012 On this very sweaty summer rerun, the guys try to cool off by reminiscing about one of the all-time fan favorites, the show's 41st episode, Halloween III: Season of the Witch! How hilarious is this alcoholic doctor? Isn't it pretty boss that this California warlock wants to kill all the kids in America? And YIKES! with that sex scene! PLUS: The birth of Muldoon's Public House. Halloween III: Season of the Witch stars Tom Atkins, Stacey Nelkin, and Dan O'Herlihy; directed by Tommy Lee Wallace.Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Thank you. Man, I got a bad sunburn. Ooh. Yeah. Oh, let me see it. It wasn't because I went to the beach, though. It was because I was sitting on a bus stuck in traffic. Because it's New York in the summertime, man, wrapped up in garbage bag.

I wish I was dead. That's the theme of every New York summer is New York in the summer, colon, I wish I was dead. You know, it's funny, I keep, because I think it just came on, I think it's Netflix, insomnia. And I haven't seen it in a long time. On the Chris Nolan one. And I'm like, I don't want to watch that because I know I'm going to want to wish that I lived in Alaska. But there is perpetual sunlight. Yeah.

Which is what it feels like in New York City. That's absolutely correct. Yeah, it contains the heat. You know what I mean? Like even at night you can't escape it. Dude, it's the concrete jungle, man. And we're just absorbing that heat all ding-dong day. Now, we're going to take you to California, which is a dryer heat I hear.

Right. Santa Mira, California. That's right. But it's got Irish warlocks, right? Is that what this is? Yeah, evil warlock toy makers and Halloween three, season of the witch. I think this is the last time we'll talk about this movie

because we did this episode. Correct. We did a live commentary, which was well received at the Jacob Burns Film Center. Correct. And now we're, I think we talked about it in that AV Club piece as well. We did, yes. And now we're talking about it here.

I think we've got to put it to bed, everybody. Yeah, I don't want this episode to, start running on fumes. I will say one thing, there is a little bit of a weird audio thing going on, whatever. Yeah, had some faulty XLR cables. We did. That's what happened. Back in the day. It's before we started making millions of dollars doing this. Big, fucking sick,

fat ass stacks, dude. So that I, yeah, we're making so much money that I can bust my ass commuting in the dead of summer. Dog days of summer. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Uh-huh. We're doing fine. If I had to make a top 10 list of, not necessarily WHM episodes, but of movies that I'd like to see that we've watched and done on this show,

this might be number one or number two. Because I really, really dig this movie. Halloween season of the which, it's a lot of fun. I have the entire Halloween series on Blu-ray in a box set. Oh, yeah, did you get to three and then throw the rest in the garbage? You know, I did a franchise rewatch last year, and some of those sequels are better than I remembered. Oh, really?

Not the Paul Rudd one. Stay tuned. Oh, totally. But yeah, so we had a lot of fun on this one. This was actually during the first ever listener request month we ever did. Oh, that's fun. Yeah, a little bit of WHM history for you. So please enjoy Halloween 3, colon, season of the witch.

So welcome to another week of our all-request month here on We Hate Movies. This week we're taking an episode from Brendan Conroy. He's from Amherst, Massachusetts, and he has. had this to say. Hello, gentlemen. My name is Brendan Conroy. I'm calling from Embers, Massachusetts with a lovely, lovely recommendation for you gentlemen that has absolutely nothing to do with the month of January.

It's a little something called Halloween 3, Season of the Witch. And it has not as much to do with January as it does to do with the previous two Halloween movies. It features probably the most unappealing sex scene slash romantic interests you could ever, ever see this out of a Joe Don Baker movie. I think you really owe it to yourselves and your immortal soul to check out the absolute unspeakable horror that is Halloween 3 Season of the Witch. Thanks so much, guys. Let me check it out. So Brendan, fine. We will talk about Halloween 3 season of the witch. Just hold us up to the fire, Brendan. Jesus Christ. Yeah, this is one of those ones that, I mean, I didn't have it, we didn't have it planned for this year at all, but it's always kind of been in the

back of our heads as like, eventually we're doing that Halloween 3. Yeah, yeah, it was kind of like, oh, well, someone suggested it, so what the hell? You see, this was always the Halloween that I kind of, you know, just kind of shoved in the closet because I heard beforehand that Mike Myers just wasn't in and I was like, oh, fuck that noise. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, okay, there's a, I had heard something about a menacing factory and that is it. And that's exactly what this is about. Yeah, this is the exercise equipment of the Halloween franchise, you know, it sounds. really cool on paper you get it in your house like oh it's great and then it's just it's a coat rack in your

closet and unfortunately you cannot return this after 30 days if you are unsatisfied with it because it's going to stick with you for all time uh so yes Halloween three season of the witch uh like we mentioned not having anything to do with the first two films not having to do anything with witches it's got something the word witch is used or witchcraft is used once yeah well it's all that shit about like pagan whatever's yeah well that's the thing is it's very misleading to say to call something season of the witch

but then have the witches turn out to be Celtic pagan businessmen yeah I was expecting more hocus pocus type territory yeah I mean if I'm looking at that poster and I see the kid in the hat it's a big old pointy hat and she's trick or treating or whatever that's a witch man that's a green face

wart-nosed witch there isn't a single mention of eye of new in any of None whatsoever. No wolf's bane. Just nothing. Bullshit. Zero cauldrons in this movie. But what we do have, like Steve mentioned, is a menacing Irish toy maker businessman. Whose great Halloween gamble is he's got all these masks that are going to kill kids. I mean, you know what, I'm going to actually object to your snore for the first time of this entire podcast's history. It only because he wants to murder all the children in the United States.

That's his end game here. He's not some run-of-the-mill slasher. You know, I'm going to carve up some beauties here and there. No, no, no, no, no. I want every child in America dead at midnight. And it's not even a very, like we talked about this a little bit in I Come in Peace. as far as like, what the fuck are you doing with your deaths, man? Can't you just kill somebody?

What the fuck's your problem? Because this whole thing, it mutates their face into insects and snakes. Yeah, Chris, I think you mentioned this plan was probably conceived while this dude was like on some sort of peyote trip. Oh, so then they're going to put these masks on, right? No, no, wait for it. Then a TV signal that I'm broadcasting is going to go on. It's a commercial. and they're going to hear a magic song.

And then their head's going to turn into snakes and worms and, oh, I don't know. Hey, what's that? A grasshopper? Yeah, they'll turn into grasshoppers. Well, yeah, there's a bunch of snakes. It's mostly crickets. Like, yeah, there's a lot of crickets. It's a pet, like, you know, the idea is the signal goes through and then, you know, some magic spell happens.

That makes the kid's head erupted bunch of cricket. Well, it melts the master. Like, everything just decays on the kid. and at one point a rattler comes out a huge fucking rattlesnake it's a big old texas ratler like that's exactly what it looks like i think that's phase two right like phase one the kids are killed phase two there's a rattler in your house who knows who that's killed look out family dog yeah which as we saw in the test run of this mask it totally just bites the dad in this family and he just dies from a rattler bite yeah he's he's making a lot of assumptions with this killing style because the the wife just faints and then gets bitten by a snake right and then the guy just gets

bitten by a rattler and they show it it's kind of creepy he's just getting bit the ankle and he's just a big fat guy and he's falling over like oh a rattler it's really bad man you don't really know much about Halloween you thought no further than the strange

custom of having your children wear masks and go out begging for candy It was the start of the year in our old Celtic lands and we'd be waiting in our houses of wattles and clay. The barriers will be down, you see, between the real and the unreal. And the dead might be looking in to sit by our fires of turf. Halloween. the festival of sawn the last great one took place three thousand years ago on the hills ran red hats off you're not becoming every other horror franchise where we're just going to run this idea

into the ground like this is a fast departure no yeah yeah i mean carpenter said something about how he wanted he kind of envisioned the halloween series as turning into a kind of like change up with every movie like it would be a new story about Halloween. Right, yeah, so they'd be linked in name only much like how Ryan Murphy just announced that's what American Horror Story is going to be. The second season

is going to have nothing to do with season one and The Haunted House and all that shit. It's totally an admirable approach. Yeah, it's difficult when you have an iconic character though that is Michael Myers. You've already done two movies with him? I mean, it's... Yeah, that's kind of where they screwed up.

I feel. That's the slip up. Like if you went from the first Halloween, you know, oh, he gets up at the end and that's the end of it. And then we've got this Mick Toymaker doing his thing. And it's whatever. You know, like, that's fine. But like you can't have a sequel. Like, don't give me that sequel, which is just Halloween in a hospital. And then I just have to transfer over to California, by the way, from Illinois. Like complete environment change of all that stuff. It's like the third season of Seinfeld was about Morty. Seinfeld instead of Jerry and all of his antics like no you can't do that on the third season I probably would have still watched that though if it was if it was just Barney what's his face the actor yeah yeah just kind of going around complaining about like prices of things in restaurants there are more than like five episodes where he's talking about bringing back the raincoat business and that one oh yeah he'd open like some sort of rain rain raincoat boutique or whatever the fuck yeah then it would been canceled and what would TBS have now think about that think about that where we're everybody it would just be 100% family guy and Tyler Perry programs so let's get into a little bit yes this hapless alcoholic doctor played by a horror

pseudo icon Tom Atkins you know him from Maniac cop I don't know he's kind of been around I just kind of refer to him as the stash yeah he's I mean he's like yeah Maniac Cop this kind of solidified this like horror reputation where like he's always

like he's always down to do some like gore hound horror movie that he could just pop in and everyone's like oh it's Tom Atkins I think he was in I want to say he was in that Rob Rodriguez Death Proof but Planet Terror but I might Yeah I think you're right on that maybe yeah

Like it's always kind of like stunt casting Where you know he you just pops And he's like oh it's Tom Atkins good for him Yeah totally well that was totally why he was In that new the remake of My Bloody Valentine That was totally that Quick side note on that I saw that in the theaters

and we're sitting there, and I didn't give a shit, whatever. It's a fucking 3D horror movie. And Tom Atkins comes on the screen. And in my head, I was like, oh, the dude from Halloween 3. That's great. And the theater burst into, well, a few rows, burst into thunderous applause. Like, I was sitting next to some real hardcore horror nerds. Yeah.

They were almost on their feet for Tom Atkins playing a no-good sheriff in that movie. That one motherfucker absolutely had a Fangoria t-shirt on. Yeah, a lot of Fangoria T-shirts in that theater, if you know what I'm talking about. So, yeah, he is this surgeon. The first two scenes of this movie, don't tell you anything of what's going on. The first scene is some guy running around a parking lot being chased by a businessman. Right. Seems a little cold.

And you're like, okay, I don't really know what's going on here. That's kind of like the start of a Michael man. Yeah. Like just a dark parking lot. But that's the thing is the scene's kind of good. Yeah. Like, that's what it was, I was kind of drawn into this movie because the first two scenes are very quiet, really nicely paced. Yeah.

And then Tom Atkins just fucking blusters into town. But to be fair to the movie, that's like 15 minutes in. Yeah. Because you got the dude getting chased around or whatever. Then he runs to that gas station. And it's just the, it's just the gas station attendant story for quite a few minutes. I love this guy. The day in, day out struggle of this poor old gas station attendant on this lonely.

Colorado Road. He's just... It's not Colorado at all, by the way. It's like saying Colorado. It's California. California, if you really want to go with it. California way. He's going California way.

Yeah, so he... I guess he's like, oh my God, they're out to kill us all. And what is he faint or something? Yeah, he just kind of falls over because he's just sort of an old man. So I think he just gets all tuckered out and takes a nap in this parking lot. Cut to where Tom Atkins is a fucking shit. father coming home with like uh he gives his kids some like 99 cent store masks like hey it's almost Halloween and they're like yeah this is garbage we're gonna use the masks mom bought for us

I found these masks in the fucking dumpster behind CVS here you go kids to be fair to this character it would be the dumpster behind the liquor store no because that's where this motherfucker is hanging out the scene with the kids by the way just reminded me uh last uh weekend I totally watched that Flick Warrior with Tom Hardy and Nick Nolte like that MMA movie or whatever. Surprisingly good, but so filled with awesome like Sad Sack Nick Nulte. And the kids, like Tom Hardy and the other guy just calling him a fucking piece of shit and like how he's just a fucking

terrible father. That's these kids when they grow up. They're like, oh yeah, remember that Halloween dad when you came home with those booze smelling masks for us to put on? And mom's boyfriend, Uncle Ted, bought us those expensive Irish guy mask. Well, fucking Cobras don't start fucking slivering out of their mouths first. Yeah, that's right. He is a responsible father. The funny thing about that is

I feel like every single Christmas gift, birthday present for all these kids for their entire childhood are liquor store impulse items. Whatever is in front right next to the register. Like, oh, a teddy bear, that sounds good. Wrapped up in a

crisp brown paper bag. The Zagget Guide to wines. Thanks, Dad. I'll be able to use this in 19 years. Wow, that's a pretty fancy corkscrew. Thanks so much. Lotto tickets, huh? Again.

So, like, you know, and I guess he's either separated from his wife or the divorced. Yeah. She's nasty to him. She's nasty because he wants to take them. He's supposed to take them trick-treating. She's like, you're a piece of garbage. This is never going to happen. But she's kind of in the right because he, no, because he breathes on her.

and he's like that and a doctor huh yeah he's just kind of a doctor in this movie and he's just a big old drunk and he gets beeped because this guy from the first scene passed out and he has to rush to the hospital for some reason I mean I guess he's just the doctor on call and maybe it's a small town situation and we're looking at it from that angle but his big old 1983 pager goes off maybe it was like a long lunch break scenario you know what I mean like he goes out to Muldoons for a couple of rounds starts feeling bad about the kids picks up some shitty Halloween masks and they're like where are you no that's the thing is that he he absolutely was at Maldoons and then like some commercial for some fucking Halloween movie comes on it's like oh fuck the kids fucking chugs the rest of his PBR and fucking beats it maybe it's the commercial that you see 19,000 times throughout this movie. So a little bit more of the bad guy plot here. The way he's going to transmit these killer waves into his killer masks that he has

is through this fucking commercial where they're singing some, you know, three more days till Halloween, whatever, like kind of jingle. No, wait, here it is. That's what we're dealing with Halloween Silver Shabbat That's what we're dealing with Halloween Halloween Halloween It's a hell of a Halloween

Silver Shepa That's what we're dealing with Like 19,000 times And you're welcome for that being in your head For the next five goddamn days This is a hell of a marketing campaign too Because they change it each day leading up to Halloween It's like eight more days to Halloween

Seven more days to Halloween It just keeps on going. By the way, which that is something that is so annoying in this movie. Like the first Halloween movie, we started off October 30th, 1978, the day before fucking Halloween, the titular holiday of this movie I'm watching. Great. This movie starts off October 23rd, really over a week before I get to the fucking day new mom. Are you kidding me? Yeah, that's really, yeah, it's like a movie about like the presidential election.

where you're starting at the primary and you're like come on let's get there yeah but even then you see like some like like he's me like like like say it was some like eyes of march where it'd be the rising ryan gosling meets george clean for the first time yeah and then they then you go fast forward to them all their old pals now but this is just like this guy passed out uh and now we get into the plot i mean there is a day that goes by where all that happens is Tom Atkins goes to the coroner's office and it's like it's like October 26 and he's like you have anything for me and she's like nope but he's like all right see you tomorrow and now it's Wednesday yeah it totally cuts it totally cuts and they're just using like the shining white text

business you know yeah I think was that in both Halloween movies up to that point where it's in the first one because they say what Halloween you know it's October 30th and then it goes into it does the same thing in this movie where it hits the 31st and it says Halloween the second one doesn't have that because it just takes up it takes up where the first one left off so it's still you know where you are yeah it's just it's just getting to mourn in that movie you see you see it seven times literally every single day that goes by it's a it's just fucking it's look atvent calendar it really is it's a shitty movie advent calendar tracking our progress through this whole movie so yeah he he gets there and like he's just like oh this guy's passed out the guy is like you know

a raving lunatic because he knows the master plan and he's holding this Halloween mask. He's like, they're going to kill us all. They're going to kill us all. He's like, all right, buddy. Oh, God. When does Muldoons close? That's a 24-7 bar, sir. I really wish there was a place called Muldoons and you walk in

and the first thing you see is a gigantic portrait of that Australian guy from Jurassic Park. And there's a little like sense around the door when like the door opens instead of a bell ringing. It's just clever girl. Clever girl. And The poor bartender has to hear it like 40 times a day. Yeah, exactly. And at 5 o'clock, instead of like the 5 o'clock whistle, it's shoot at all.

Everybody gets a bunch of shooters in the bar. Let's open ball, dude. Yeah, we got like an eighth of a business plan ready already. So can we talk about how not the character, but Tom Atkins and his physical appearance and how he's dressed in this movie, there's no way he's a medical. doctor. He's an alcoholic. He looks like an alcoholic. Tom Atkins, schlub for hire. Like, this guy, I mean, the most, the fanciest he's ever looked is in Lethal Weapon

1. Yeah. Where he was kind of a professional, although he's a huge fucking scumbag and heroin dealer in that one. But like, in almost every other movie, he's either a sheriff and a schlubby sheriff at that or, and in this case, a fucking doctor who is basically a detective. Yeah, why didn't they just make him a cop? It would make so much more sense that he's a cop. And you don't have to alter the story that much. All you have to do is

like, so, you know, is he shows up for the crime scene. It's like, I'm on the case. That's all. That's the only difference. Why? How many doctors get on the case? Aside from Dr. House, but it always ends with the hospital's visit. Yeah, Dr. House doesn't leave the fucking place that often.

Yeah, I mean, he goes home and makes the team do most of the work and whatever, but he's not like, hey, I'm going to on this six-hour road trip with this woman I just met and figured stuff out. We'll figure out his motivations in a bit. Yes. So, you know, he puts this guy to bed

and in the night, this businessman that we saw before finally catches up with him and kills the shit out of him. Woo, doggie, that's a murder. Yeah, oh boy, the guy's freaking nose goes straight in the fucking air. Yeah,

he just kind of pulls this guy's skull apart. Who's next? nobody except for him it's a quiet night I could use a nap doctor's lounge is empty wanna take one with me

so much napping in this movie he's running after this guy for what I don't know I mean I guess he was a brawler at his day or whatever yeah because he's like he is fitted to be a police officer

or a bouncer you know or a biker you know he could be on like fucking sons of anarchy No, he didn't even do a guest spot on Sons of Hattery. We haven't IMD beat it. We could have.

No, but, like, you know he's lived a hard life because hospitals definitely have rooms for their doctors to sleep for those shifts. Yeah. And he refuses to do that. He has to take a nap on the fucking grimy-ass sofa. Oh, yeah. It's just a gross couch. Like, people have received bad news on that couch. You know what I mean?

Like, it's just a gross couch. And he snuggles up like, ah, this is his good. as an alley whatever davis the overweight janitor has eaten many a hoagie on that one a lot of shredded lettuce in the crevices so yeah this nurse comes out and she's like oh man he just got murdered and he comes out like hey get back here and this business man just total cash yeah walks out to the parking lot gets in this car and you're like all right he's going to speed off nope total Tibetan monk protest Dallas is himself in gasoline and lights

that shit up. That car explodes. It's like a death wish sequel explosion. Like, it doesn't take a lot to get there and the car just blows kind of a thing. And it's got all those like little gasoliney bits like causing little fires all over the

parking lot. Little like fire tears. Yeah, I love those things. Oh, it's such a good fucking explosion. And Tom Atkins, starting the tradition of him not reacting appropriately to tragedy. in this movie kind of just looks like huh how about that

case closed yeah yeah well he really went up like you're a doctor like I know the dude just blew up in front of your eyes or whatever but like I don't know aren't you like kind of supposed to go over there and see if he can help like I know it's a gigantic ball of fire but at least you know inquire

no I think he called it a draw the old eye for an eye all right I can live with you that well off to moldunes whistling a jontie tune already missed my shooter for the day god damn work he's definitely got a muldoon's happy hour can bumper stick on his car definitely all of his t-shirts are from there the speed for muldoons the one time jim b did it like a promotional thing there he was there at 3 p.m he got all the t-shirts and he really thought that he was gonna he's gonna make it with the t-shirt girl yeah but it that never works out so the next day

he's just like my god that's horrible like we click over it's october 24th now because the sun came up and he's just still kind of hanging out the hospital and i i sort of feel like you can gauge how badly he needs a drink by how many buttons on his shirt are undone like the more chest you're seeing of Tom Atkins, the more he's really getting the old DT shakes. Well, that's the beer gauge, the whiskey gauge is the sleeves. Yeah, when those sleeves come up? Yeah,

then we're moving on to hard alcohol, everybody. Like, that's like, because when you roll up your sleeves, right, like, you fucking mean business, man, like that's what that means. So he means, I really need some liquor in me. And when he walks around in his socks, that means it's a red wine day. He's

comfortable. It might be raining outside. He's going to do the crossword. But he's still getting shit out. So in walks, the victim's daughter, who's like this 20-something-year-old, like, babe walks in. She's like, oh, my father, you know. Yeah, that's what it else will put a thumbtack on our age. We'll get to that in a minute. Yeah, yeah.

If someone, for whatever reason, was transcribing this episode, when we say 20-something, then there's an asterisk next to it. And they got to go read the footer that says check ahead to page 47 of the transcript. 1,000%. So she's like, oh, my God, my father, she's not really that broken up. She's, like, really surprised because, like, my father's skull was ripped apart. Yeah, like, she's legitimately like, I'm sorry. How the fuck does this happen in a hospital? Like, he came in here because he fainted and just was a little dehydrated, and somehow his face was torn apart.

Just a little thing that I want to start bringing it to this show, which is, hilarious extras. There's, the scene right before she shows, once the police are called, and like it's just Tom Atkins like, I think he's calling somebody for something. He's calling like his wife or he's just on the phone with somebody.

I think it's another like, oh, I'm sorry I didn't come home. Someone's face was pulled apart. She's like, you fucking scumbag. There is a guy to the left of your screen that is just this hapless fireman he's wearing like, because there's a bunch of cops moving in and out all with kind of things to do.

But there's this fireman extra that just has a silly, like, toy truck add on and like a little card with an F on it on the... It's like FD for Fire Department. No, it's Felt because it keeps flopping around. I mean, very fittingly with this movie, it just looks like a shitty Halloween costume. And he just does not know what to do with those arms. He's one of those, like... I mean, we will get a screencap up on the Facebook page for y'all. all the checkout but I mean

it must have been the thing where like the camera just started rolling and he was like fuck no one told me what to do I'm just like he's pretending to talk but like no one is in front of him so his little lips are just moving away I know exactly what he's doing

he's trying to get into the conversation with Tom Atkins and whoever's on the phone because he just keeps on shaking his head and nodding his head he's like yeah you got her no that's not right at all yeah he is totally like trying to get in like he's responding to tom atkins and what he's saying on the phone can you believe she said that so that guy's career never took off anyway so that's

i think that's the end of that day yeah we move forward to the 25th of october and then there's there's our there's our hero fucking sucking them down at the local bar interior moldoons yeah we finally get to moldunes and it is like Seedy. Like, the only kind of light bulb in Muldoons is red. Blood ass red at Muldoons. And he's like, he's of course

best buds with Jerry the bartender kind of a thing. He's the only one in there because it's the after, it's clearly the afternoon. Oh, he's totally the first customer of the day. Like, every glass in that place is clean when he walks in. And he's like giving the bartender's

shit about like changing the channel. Because he's pissed off that ha ha in joke the original Halloween's on the TV and he's like oh can't we change the station or whatever and then like he keeps changing it and like that fucking Halloween song commercial comes on again

and he gets all pissed off because it just reminds him of the shitty masks he bought for his kids what I paid $4 God what do these kids want they even smell like peppermint schnaps which to me is a benefit so

the girl comes in the the victim's daughter and it's just like yeah the hospital said you'd be here i just imagine the duty nurse like she's like do you know where dr adkins is and the duty nurse just looks at her watch yeah he'll be at muldoons right now yeah totally someone just unlocked a front door of a bar no i think there's a big list where she's like okay if he's not at rafferty's he's at joes if he's not at Joe's, he's at dingoes. If he's not at dingoes, he's at Maldoons. And if he's not at Maldoons,

he's out home underneath the couch. Oh, is it the first Friday of the month? Because the homeless shelter has a whiskey day. And he likes to do that sometimes. It's free. And even though he's a doctor, his salary's not that great because he's not

a great doctor. Surprisingly. I think the methadone clinic is open to this hour. So, uh, so, uh, So she walks in and she's like, look, I don't, you know, some, I don't know why, like, there are detectives in the town. There is a whole sheriff's department, but she goes to this doctor, who barely did anything to the guy. Like, all he did was, like, admit him to bed.

Yeah, he was just the duty doctor that night. Yeah, and she's just like, something doesn't add up. Oh, my God, what's going on? There's got to be some vast conspiracy because this isn't adding up. And he's like, yeah. And you could tell he doesn't really believe her, but he's kind of something. He wants to fuck her. Let's not fool around.

Well, I mean, yeah, that's the thing. He's like, in his head, he's thinking two things at the same time. One, well, this sounds like bullshit. And two, and it's total, like, fucking, look, if I help this babe out, maybe at the end of our adventure that we're going to have, if I'm still alive, God help me, I can bang this chick's brains out. And he's also, he could do the math. He's a doctor.

He's been around death a while. He's just like, okay, two days. after dad dies, huh? Looks like old man Atkins is going to be playing daddy from that wall. Yeah, that fucking like guilt windows open, the grief window, like the whole

thing is just getting going. He's got like a couple months to really milk this thing dry. I'm really sorry, but you should not be trying to bake the moves on somebody who refers to their father as Papa. Exactly. It shouldn't

be happening. And like, clearly he's in his 40s she's like we can get it she looks like she's 16 years old yet she's a very young looking woman the actresses name is Stacy Nelkin I believe chalked that up to never heard from again he looks a lot like

Pat Benatar yeah she does kind of look like Pat Benatar that's a good call you think Tom Atkins just saw the fucking video for uh hit me with your best shot and it's just like hey here we go so she's like you know something doesn't add up you want to come to me with my dad's

hardware store and he's like sure babe lead the way and you know there they go through his books and they find out you know he he was getting these Halloween masks from Cochran's or whatever which is just a local business a couple hours outside of town do you want to come with me and he gives this like cat ate the canary grin like sure to it's yeah sure I'll come help solve your father's murder or whatever what are doctors for What? I just got to stop by the local news and grocery for a moment here. The best cut in the whole movie. Yeah, it is a phenomenal cut.

You know, he agrees to go with her. And then, you know, cut to, he's on a pay phone talking to his wife. And he's like, no, I'll be back in plenty of time for Halloween. You fucking piece of shit. Yeah, exactly. I have my own life. You promise to watch the kids. All this is being on the other end of the phone, which we don't hear.

But he's just like, come on, lady. I got a hot. He makes up some doctor. conference, which I'm sure he's used that excuse three times this year. I totally forgot that. He's just like, yeah, it's just me and a couple of doctors talking shop. It's going to be so boring. And the best part about it is in the back, in the back of the frame, there is a six-pack

of Miller High Life cans. Oh, my God. It's total like, all right, I'm going on this long drive to the Silver Shamrock, whatever. the fuck factory. I got this 18 year old girl who just got her driver's license. Better get some road sodas so I'm all loose by the time we get to the motel.

Those are definitely road sodas. And like, she's like 17, so she's probably impressed by it, which is unfortunate. Ooh, he's drinking in the car. Oh, he's drinking all of them in the car. Have you ever had

one of these? Well, you're not going to now, because these are all for me I asked you in the store didn't I ask you in the store glug glug glug glug but it's just the best

cut because they are just on the top of that pay phone and when he hangs up that phone it's like a sweet basketball move where like some dude like pivots around a player and it's like one fluid motion of like he turns on that foot

and just grabs that six pack off like a fucking ballerina like it is beautiful and he's just in the car and away we go. I kind of wish I saw her turning down that tall boy fucking Cors original

that he offered. Well, you're lost more for me because I only have $4 in quarter so it's only going to get it so far in here anyway. You're paying for the hotel, right? Right? Right? You're paying for the hotel? Linda, I can't get out

of it. I'm really sorry. Ah, just a bunch of doctors talking about boring stuff. Linda, Linda, take it easy. I'll be back to take them trickers. treating i promise i caught no i can't remember the name of the hotel i'll call you monday i got to go bye so they go to the town and they're kind of you know they're driving around it's it's a very

eerie village of the damned feel everybody's got eyes on them right can i just point out it's like some like santa maria or some like santa mira is that what it is santa mirro yeah like some like northern California Coast Town with a Spanish name but it's just populated with Irish people like something doesn't add up there like right away Tom Atkins should be looking around like wait a second

I don't think there are many like you know ethnic Irish in California like just like the Irish didn't settle in California you know the Irish settled in New York yeah I don't know it got me swinging I've never been to California I kind of feel like he would be asking around so where are the Misty Moors

Because I got this girl here And I told her about the Moors Yeah you know I find it really surprising That there's just not any fog In this Irish coastal town here in California So they go there They pull up to a motel and you know They're greeted by the kindly old shopkeep

Whatever And you know They run into this other family Who's just showing up Because he's like The best salesman of these masks City has a plant trip tomorrow, and then there's this other old lady that is also a salesman that's going to be, that also needs to do a plant trip the next day to get her orders.

Even though it's two days before Halloween, how are you turning these masks around, lady? Yeah, this shit makes no sense. First of all, because we see like all of these gigando delivery trucks that are coming out of the Silver Shamrock factory, I guess, to deliver these masks all over the place. But then this one lady and this dude with his family and this. The dude, yeah, you're right. The dude's like the salesman of the year. The salesman who sold the most like Spencer's Gifts crap or whatever. Because also like on top of masks, like this guy sells like doodads and thingimajigs and all sorts of crap no one wants.

The other thing about this is as a supporting cast choice for these two characters, both the guy's family and this other woman, like the rest of the movie is populated by like horror movie tropes, the good guy, the hot babe, the bad guy. And then these people are straight off the set of better off dead. You know what I mean? They're all like these wacky, over-the-top cartoon characters. Yeah, it's way cartooning, especially this woman who's, like, complaining about how she had to come pick up her order and it's not ready and whatever the hell else. And she might as well sound like Fran Dresher on the nanny. Yeah, yeah. And then she's like, oh, my store that I have back in San Francisco, it's like, really?

because it kind of sounds like you mean to say Central Long Island You're a little consignment shop in San Francisco where you sell used clothes and trinkets of all kinds Give me a break Yeah but I mean you need your victims I mean they don't really leave room for that I mean it's a freaking dead town

It's just cameras and you know People closing their window shades the whole time Yeah well it's like it's a weird thing where not everybody's in on it It's not like that but it's like everyone's kind of of, I don't know, like not Stockholm syndrome, but they all think that this Connell Cochran who runs the Silver Shamrock factory is like this big genius

and he's like a hero who's brought like all this business to the town or whatever the fuck. So they all love him and they're all like totally behind him. Even to the point where when the the woman who's supposedly from San Francisco

is hilariously killed in her hotel room and like this dude's covering it up. This Conall Cochran. Like the guy who runs the hotel's like oh good evening mr cochran or just nothing to see here sir just a crazy accident like he's totally cool with it yeah he's always just

glad handling everybody you know what I mean this is definitely the Peter Fond of on Golden Pond everything's just fine and perfect so they go into the motel room and the girl is still under the foolishly under the impression that he's out here to solve her father's murder

yeah what an idiot she's just like well should we go to the plan tonight to ask, you know, we have a lot of questions to ask. It looks like there's a lot of people to interview. And he's like, look, it's getting late. And quite frankly, I need a drink. Like, this is exactly what he says. That recycling bins empty and that should not be.

Yeah, he is very upfront with her about what's going on. He's like, yeah, yeah, he's dead. But you know what? He's still going to be dead. I need a drink. Yeah, it's like, we'll deal with that tomorrow, probably after one o'clock when I get it, when I shake it off. So he goes out to the liquor store, and he's coming back, and he's just, like, singing, he's got a bottle of whiskey and a song in his heart. Like, he's in a great mood.

And he's just walking around, like, the guy at the start of the Lost Weekend, like, this is going to be great. I'm just going to hole up in my apartment. I'm just going to drink a little bit. I'm going to finally write this book. And this hobo stops him. Oh, man, it is a classic hobo. And he's just like, oh, that bottle looks pretty heavy. Need me help?

And Tom Atkins, both, again, you know, he's got two motives. One, he does, is a little interested in this mystery. So he's going to ask his hobo some questions. Two, he probably just enjoys a little bit of drinking company. Oh, yeah, exactly. This guy looks like a veteran. No, this guy gave him a reason to open it early. Yeah, exactly.

Hey, if I stop and talk to this hobo, I don't have to wait until I get back to the motel room to open this bottle of whiskey. I could just tell her that a hobo drink from it. She won't know I did, too. Again, by the way, Tom Atkins in fluid motions, the cap is off this whiskey bottle in no time. That hobo's just sucking it down. No, yeah, he is really, he's like the ninja of drinking. Oh, man, I wish I was the ninja of drinking. Oh, where'd that cap go?

It's in your ear. Glug. Whoa, she's. It didn't mean to scare you. I saw that bottle. I don't look pretty heavy. I ain't got no disease. Is you mind if I haven't drink?

god damn thank you hey uh just a second you have to know anything about this cochran so yeah he's just interviewing this hobo and you know he he's got no real you know he he's not learning a lot of information it's just like the creepy vibe idea yeah yeah he's like let's follow this leave my gut instinct or whatever and it's of course of the situation like if there's a town that's everyone's brainwashed by like the bad guy of the movie there's always the one person who's against him, but that person always has the broken ass life. And so that means this hobo, of course, has a real problem

with Connell Cochran. You know, I guess he applied for a job at the toy factory and this guy just didn't hire him. And do you think that's a thing where like, because this hobo, you know, he's dirty and whatnot, but, you know, he doesn't really look Irish, if you know what I'm saying?

You know, like, Conall Cochran ain't going to hire no Polack kind of a thing. There are no deletios on the Silver Shamrock Ross roster all right well it looks like fucking Giuliani runs this place because all the homeless are fucking dead yeah except for lone hobo not for long by the way and it's this thing where like the hobo's like you know what man this guy's a scumbag he's got the whole fucking town wired you know there's cameras everywhere and Tom Atkins is like oh yeah okay whatever

hobo glug and the hobo's saying he tells this hilarious plan like out loud about how he's Like, this is the last Halloween for the Silver Shamrock Factory, because I'm going to throw a bunch of Molotov cocktails through their windows. Great plan, hobo. I just imagine him finding this old scrappy notebook and just writing down his whole plan, Molotov Cocktail, Plus Factory, Equal Happiness. So he's like, all right, bye, and he's like, good night, gentle hobo. I'm off to fucking get some trim. So he, you know, the hobo, like, this response team is really good. Yeah, oh, they're not fooling around.

It's total 1984 standard. We still don't know exactly what's going on with these very big, burly businessmen that are doing all of, you know, Cockwood's dirty work. The second he turns the corner into his little, I think you called it a Hooverville. Yeah, it's a total Hooverville. These businessmen greet him and, you know, they never say a word. and they rip his fucking head off. It's awesome. I mean, there's like some good, like,

decapitations with broadswords and movies. Yeah. You know, that we touched on with things like evil speak or whatever. I mean, but this guy gets so murdered. It's amazing. The head just comes off. And it's a really weird thing where, like, these dudes aren't talking.

Yeah. And then, like, they kind of just, like, one dude comes up behind him and the other dude stands in front of them. And then they just get him down. on his knees and I'm like what's going on here and he's like oh come on guys you know I was just joking I love Mr. Cochran and whatever

and I just was waiting for the guy to be like yeah show me how much you love Mr. Cochran I kind of what I mean I was going to wait for him to say no teeth Jesus but you know a head rip is just as awesome as this dude being forced to blow this drone

yeah just as awesome that's one way to put it well this is right before like i i kind of like these decapitations where it's just they rip the head off and it's just a hole where the head used to be now they have like jagged organ stuff going on after you rip a head off yeah back of the day it was just a hole well this is like a mortal combat thing because like there's some fucking spinal cord on this piece he rips out yeah totally and there's you know to be fair to the the special effects department on this movie there's an awesome like spurt or two

yeah it's like a misty spurt you know like they really knew what they were doing with that head rip and now we cut back to the other woman who is complaining she complains to the girl the old the older woman with the shop complains to the girl like oh you know these these these durn shamrock

things are these masks are garbage because look the brand came off and the little disc we learn is where the magic center is yeah I just said that than I'm a grown man. Magic Center, by the way, sounds like some sort of candy advertisement.

The chocolate outside and then the gooey magic center. So, you know, she's in a room reading her Tom Clancy or whatever the fuck. It's, yeah, it's some sort of like grocery store romance novel. Like a drawing of Fabio on a boat is totally on the color. Clive Custler's latest. Yeah, exactly. Clyde Custler. And she's looking at that disc and she's like, that's weird.

It's a little computer chip. Let me use my bobby pin and really get it in there. And she is just scraping the shit out of this thing. Like, where do you get off? Like, what do you think you're doing? So, yeah, actually, I forgot this is set against the gross-ass sex scene. Yeah, it's an odd juxtaposition of scenes. And it's just like the second Tom Atkins comes in with that half bottle of whiskey, she's like, oh, hey, you're back, Papa.

I mean, Tom Atkins, you know, and they just start, he's putting her his mustache all over her face. Well, what is bizarre about this whole setup, right? Is that before he goes to the liquor store, there's a bit of a smooch. And it's just like they check into this motel and I don't know if it's a thing where like because, like, they're totally taking a page out of psycho, right? So they go to this hotel, they're checking the register and everything. And they're pretending that they're a married couple staying at this hotel. and then like they get in the room and I don't remember exactly if it happens this way but I'd like to think that Tom Atkins thinks that he's this suave where he's just like well if we're a married couple we have to play the part don't we two things yes one the exchange is fucking brilliant because it's so what should we do oh no what do you want to do and he looks at her dead in the eyes and he says this with real meaning that's a dumb question miss Grimbridge

and then they just start making out yeah yeah and which is hilarious because then he's like oh i gotta go to the liquor store hang on a second but the second thing is and this is what i was think the whole time they are in the rose of shannon motel is is the peter fonda character when he hears oh yeah we're just a merry cup is like gotta keep my opinions to myself yeah by the way when you say peter fonda you just mean it's an actor that looks like peter fonda peter fonda is not is not is not in this movie. He wasn't offered this movie. They didn't bother. You think someone for a split-second was like, hey, do you think we get Peter? Ah, fuck it. Anyway, what's next on the docket? Oh, this movie's going to last 10 days? Okay. Yeah, so you're cutting back, man. It's a caterpillar mustache is just crawling all over her. It's gross. He's like kissing. She's in like some nighty and like he's like sucking on her nipple.

It's just disgusting. Yeah, you know, here's a thing. Andrew Jupin's movie. gross outs. Number 378-C. Actors actually sucking on actresses nipples. Get the fuck out of here. When this old dude and his mustache is just on that nipple, you know what, it's not sexier than if he wasn't doing it. Yeah. Tom Atkins, it's not a bowl of chipped beef. Let's fucking calm down here. It's so fucking horrified. And we're not doing an Almodivar movie here, folks. It's Halloween 3. Just fucking get to the next scene already.

Where is the fucking haunted mask guy? Why am I watching this chick get her nipples sucked by an old drunk? I mean, that's how disturbed you know this chick is because, man, she packed that nighty. Yeah, she did. Oh, yeah, you're right. She's totally wearing a little negligent. Like, she comes out of the shower and you get a little, like, frosted glass nudity. And you're like, yeah, okay.

Yeah. And then she puts on. this hand towel, which like, is that the only towel in that bathroom? You think Tom Atkins, like, removed all the body towels? Yeah, you can dry yourself off with this four by six washcloth. He's tossing the full body ones out the window. Nope.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Too big. Little hand one. Yep. So then, like, she wraps herself in this, like, comforter or whatever, and she's like, burr, it's cold in here. And he comes back, and yeah, you're right. She stands up with that fucking comforter and just slips it off. And And it's like, where did this Fredericks of Hollywood piece of clothing come from? Why did you pack this on a trip where you're trying to solve your father's murder?

You twisted, sick little girl. So cut to this other woman is just fiddling with that magic scepter. And she gets lasered in the face and lets out a terrible scream. And like the girl, we come back to the sexy and the girl's like, what was that? And he's like, who cares? It just moves on the nipple number two. Sounds like someone just died in there. Whatever.

Doesn't matter. Got myself a mouth full of strange here. And let me tell you, in the vein of like that fucking head rip from earlier, this woman gets it. So like the whole thing we were talking about before how like the mask turns your your face into bugs and snakes, whatever. Yeah. This woman just gets it right in the mouth.

Like this thing shoots her in the mouth. And you cut back and like bugs are crawling out of her mouth. Her whole face looks like when leather face puts on makeup at the end of Texas chains on when he's getting ready for dinner and he's just got that lipstick on, but he's a crazy psychopath. So he's not that great at applying makeup. yeah i mean it's genuinely gross which i mean a little applause for this movie yeah totally there was a little grown man is going on absolutely it was more for the sex seed but i'll give that to you

so yeah they they you know then cochran shows up ships are off and it's like look we're gonna take you know he finally meets tom atkins like look we're to we have the best care in my factory we're gonna take her we have an emergency room in my toy factory we're taking her oh they're there. Yeah, he's like, he's like, wait a minute, I'm a doctor. Let me see this woman. And he's like, oh, don't worry about it. She'll get the best care at my toy factory. So cut to the next day, they finally get to this fucking toy factory because Tom Atkins, you know, he probably had a good brunch with some mimosis or whatever.

So he finally made his way out to do what he was supposed to do. Wake up. The endless bloody Mary's ended at 1130. We're off to this toy factory. So, and they run into the other couple, uh, with the kid. And they're just kind of walking around. It's the Willy Wonka tour for fucking novelties. Yeah, totally. And this dude, by the way, like the father who's like salesman of the year or whatever,

just knows like all the merch that this dude's made over the years. And there's like a really racist, like, engine Larry fucking music box thing that's just horrifying. And he's like, all. you see that there? Well, Mr. Cochran made that in 1947, right? And you're just like, you listen. I appreciate all that you're bringing to this movie, Fat Guy. But you know what? I'm here for the haunted masks. Let's get on with it. I don't want to hear your research on this guy. So, I mean, the tour kind of goes to that incident where we're introduced to what the factory looks like, you know? Yeah. And it's just, it's a big old fucking factory. and it's got there's a secret room that you can't go in yeah oh yeah which you know here's the thing about secret rooms in factories especially a factory that you're willingly going to give a tour to the public yeah like don't have your big secret room be a huge door that says like final touch room no one go in you can't see the magic that happens in here no this is supposed to be a room that you're only supposed to get to if you pull the book out of the bookcase, the spiral staircase happens, and then you tunnel through about a half mile, and then you're in this huge other factory.

Right. Well, because that's the thing, right? It's like, Tom Atkins and this chick are inept detectives. Like, they're just doing bad detective work. Well, because they're not detectives. Exactly. So the only way Tom Atkins winds up foiling this guy at the end of the movie is because he knows where the secret fucking door is.

If you just put a bunch of boxes in front of it and didn't label it with a bunch of a caution signed smiley faces and exclamation marks and a big dude standing there shushing you and getting you out of there he wouldn't have found it and he would have killed all the kids and it would have been awesome so they find you know on the way out she finds her her father's car you know what i mean like in the factory she's oh my god and then like all of the guys all of uh you know uh cochran's men the minions Minions just stop her or whatever And they cut back to the hotel Tom Atkins got a fucking A nice glass of whiskey

And she's like, I don't know what we're gonna do He's like, it's time to call the Marines Oh yeah, what is with that line You drunk idiot I saw it I know I saw it I think it's time for the Marines Way to exaggerate

How about just the police department Because they're actual detectives on that police force Unlike you, you doctor It's like Bruce Wilson in the siege. He just wants to declare martial law I'm having it over with. She's like, isn't there a couple of steps in between that? And he's like, no,

get me the director of the FBI on the phone immediately. Well, it's like playing Grand Def Auto. You're at Star 2 right now. Star 6 is the Marines, pal. Yeah, exactly. And so they just, I mean, I don't know, they take it upon themselves to like, she gets kidnapped.

Right, that's right. Yeah, she gets kidnapped by, they're kind of revealed at this point to be robots yeah because the whole thing is like he's just this big fucking toy maker and he's so good at making toys that he's made a bunch of realistic like disney world hall of presidents fucking animatronic robots that do his bidding that could just rip a man's head off or possibly force a man to blow them their prerogative well it's kind of it's kind of presaged by these phone calls that Atkins keeps on making back to Teddy, his swinging coroner.

Oh, yeah. Oh, God. That's a Z plot that nobody gives the shit about. That is all this lady is there for us to be every once in a while like, we're sifting through the ashes of, you know, that car that blew up. And we're only finding metal. Why is there only metal? Yeah, and it's like the whole big mystery. She's like, even if it was a gigantic explosion like this, you should totally be finding all sorts of bones and hair and whatever the fuck. Well, don't worry, she's repaid for

her actions by a drill to the skull. These fucking robots are some twisted characters. Totally. Like, listen, you're a big, strong robot. Whatever. You can just go around breaking necks all the live long day. Exactly. But instead, you're

pulling a skull apart. You're pulling a dude's head off. You're fucking drilling that poor corridor right through the old head and you know what you don't see it because it's from behind guaranteed that sinister son of a bitch

is getting it right through her eye too of course you know eye to brain shit these are just some hate humanity kind of robots which are the most dangerous kind yeah if you build like a sentient robot like that you want it to love humanity

you don't want it to be against humanity because that's when the uprisings start well I mean think of all the advanced programs they had to run. I mean, why couldn't you just put in the normal break neck program? Why did you have to do these advanced algorithms to make them split apart a skull in seven different places? Well, I guess it's because it was invented by a dude who's inherently evil. So he's like, oh, I'll upload them with all sorts of like great killing tactics.

But the weird thing is you're thinking to yourself like, how are these things understanding English? Like, what is the computer mechanism? And all Cochran really says, because what you see of them is just like a bunch of fancy gears and cogs and whatever. And then he's like, no, yes, it's much like creating any other toy. The hard part was the flesh, which is much like making a mask. And you're like, that's a little too simplified. These are actors that are real human beings that look nothing like robots, but they get punched in the gut and like green jelly comes out with like, you know, snot. That's really gross.

It's unnecessarily gross for this movie. You know, like, I mean, I'll, you know, you want bugs to crawl out of people's eyes. Fine, I'm on board with that. But just like robot goo coming out of people's mouth. I always kind of envision myself doing that. And like, you show up one day, like, here, Steve, you got to spit this out of your mouth. That's gross. Like, if you had to film that scene and they're like, here's some like yellow snot.

Yeah. Stick it in there, say that. I mean, it's probably stick it in there, Sadek, by the way. yeah it's probably like caramel or whatever but it's still disgusting yeah it's pretty gnarly the surprising thing is that the internal components were quite simple to produce really the outer features took much longer to perfect but then of course in the end is just another form of mask making so Atkins gets uh whatever Atkins gets uh kidnapped as well gets the real tour yeah he does get the real tour and then there's that you know there's

totally the Mr. Bond moment where Cochran sits him down and is telling him his evil plot, well, come, you want to see a demonstration of what my masks can really do? And it just, you know, you cut to this room on the facility,

this dumb, you know, this is like a family of sheep. You know, like, yeah, they're just like, oh, he's going to have us great commercials. That's going to be great. Like, how much of a great salesman of trinkets does this fact I think he is that this guy

is like putting his whole family up for multiple days and now he's asking his input on commercials get the fuck out of here like this is obviously a trap so you know the commercial goes on

the kid puts the mask on and finally we get one of the best child deaths in the history of cinema wow and I'll tell you what if I haven't mentioned it on the podcast before Andrew Jupin is a solid fan of child death and movies Because let me tell you, you got the guts to kill a kid

Like in frame on a movie You're a pretty gutsy filmmaker I first came up with this theory while watching Exorcist The Beginning where that poor little boy Just gets torn to shreds by all those satanic hyenas Or whatever the fuck I think my enthusiastic love for child death Really really was born out of city of God

that is one of the worst slash awesomest child deaths in the history of cinema also to take it back to john carpenter for a second because he did still serve as executive producer on this movie he did the music as well uh the very beginning of assault on precinct 13 is just this ice cream truck and this kid pulls up and he's like oh give me a chocolate or whatever and this guy's like here you go go kid and he's like hey this is vanilla I asked for chocolate and the dude pulls out a fucking hairy Callahan Magnum and just shoots this kid dead it is hardcore so yeah this scene is up

there in the pantheon of awesome child death because the parents are just arguing about who cares and the you know the song's going it's really this is one of the creepiest scenes in the movie by far and you know the kid starts like you know shaking his head there's something wrong

and then his face starts to melt a bit yet you see an eyeball where the eyeball like shouldn't be lined up kind of stuff and then just all these fucking crickets start coming out of that mask and then you like it's very much in stages because it's like the little crickets come out and you're like wow that's a lot of crickets and then there's like these little water snakes and you're like ew water snakes and then there's just the gigantic rattler that just appears where this child's head was and it's all this fucking pseudo-magic bullshit. Yeah, oh, yeah. Yeah, we skipped over the part where we find out that the evil in these masks comes from Stonehenge. Yeah, they just, and it's such lazy writing, too. He's like, he's doing the old parlor scene, and he's like, that's right. It's a piece of Stonehenge, the magic sacrificial circle or whatever. And then, like, you're thinking to yourself, like, how the fuck did this guy get this thing?

And he just goes, yes, getting it was quite a bit of adventure. Well, anyway, and you're like, no, wait a second, movie. How did he get the piece of Stonehenge? We spared no expense. Yeah, there's your answer. They spared no expense. Well, maybe it was like a Richard Kelly movie, and there's like a supplementary comic book that tells you how they got the rock from Stonehenge.

Probably not, though. The funny part about the parlor scene is it kind of goes on for a while because he goes on about like Celtic magic and blah blah blah and sacrifices and I just keep pictured like Tom Adkins being like you know it is customary for the villain to offer the victim a sniffter of brandy oh totally man blowfeld is always asking bond if he wants something to drink before that parlor scene gets going and he's just licking his lips like come on blow fell do it he's like uh Albert finney and big fish like I'm drying out the volcano

He's really trying out in that movie Where he's just looking for Cognac in the corner So the family gets horrifically We talked about that before anyway Yeah they're long dead They leave fucking They leave Atkins alone in a room

With the movie You know like at 9 o'clock This is gonna happen You're gonna get you know You're gonna get murdered like everybody else Atkins takes his mask off And like Huck's

at this camera it's such bullshit it is a ridiculous like movie toss yeah like he's sitting in a chair and he's like oh a security camera in the corner of the room flip and it just totally gets right up there

and the way they cut it it's like it's a static shot on this security camera and you know that it was like the 19th time someone just like flopped it up there and it was finally good to stay up perfect it looks like they had a bunch of magnets there they had like magnets

in the mask and they're just like, here we come on. Maybe it was, I didn't notice like that closely, but maybe it was like a reverse shot thing where they had it up there and they just pulled it off on a string and then played the film backwards. That makes more sense. It's

just such a perfect landing on that camera. It sucks. So Atkins gets loose and he finds the girl and he's running afoul of all these robots. Yeah, the honest to goodness robots, which apparently Like, we see, like, maybe five of them throughout the course of the film, and they're, like, you know, doing their kidnapping and murdering, whatever else.

But there's, like, 20 robots in this layer. And some of the robots are hitmen. Some of the robots are scientists. Like, I guess there's ranks of robots. You're either, like, ah, heavy, or, you know, a smart scientific robot. No, there's definitely a couple secretarial robots. He didn't want to pay the labor costs. In the middle of that, he calls his wife again.

And she's like, where the fuck are you? You know, you're supposed to take care of the kids. He's like, look, don't let them put those masks on. They're, they're fucking, they're evil magic masks. And she's like, God, you're drunk. And he's like, no, I'm not drinking. Like, he has to make a special point to say, I haven't been drinking today. It's totally like boy who cried wolf thing.

Yeah. She's like, oh, yeah, here again, another excuse why you're not going to take the kids trick or treating, you fucking booze hound. Linda, shut up, Linda, listen, listen, I have to get rid of the mask. The Sylvia, no, Santa Mera, and they killed Buddy Cufferin, his whole family, they killed him. No, no, I'm not drunk. Listen, you have to get rid of the mask. Just, you want me to, what?

You're just jealous because they're not a boy, let's. Go to hell. babe it's just there's an alien attack i swear to god i got corned cornered old dude she's in the bathroom i gotta stay here to watch him this is just like that christmas you gave me a box of chicken wings for my fucking christmas so you know uh he gets i mean it's pretty awesome how he fucking defeats the bad guy here yeah it's a good in he takes a box full of these magic chips you know yeah the old magic microchip and throws it in the air while the commercial is playing and like all these lasers are just lasering all these scientists by the way i love that lasering the verb that's a nice touch oh yeah you get lasered by these little things and you know

cochran is just like oh shit and basically there's this weird like magic ring that forms with all the lasers together. The lasers are like going through this like circle of television monitors that are all playing the commercial. It's a genuine laser halo. No, it absolutely is. Like what it's kind of like what you look at a, uh, it's kind of like when you look at a light too close and for too fast and then rub your eye. That's what you see. Yeah. So it's that thing going on. And I never get this in movies because it never makes any fucking sense. Cochran knows he's cooked. So, he just looks up atkins and gives him a little golf clap it's a total

golf clap but i'll tell you what that is and why i appreciate it it is because conal cochran the man is a class act yeah all the way all the way man and he knows that this slub ass doctor cop this drunk

has bested him at his own game and he says you know there's no point running around making this movie into some sort of redonculous cat and mouse scenario I'm finished Here's my golf clap Good night

And he gets He gets lasered Really bad I mean It's one hell of a way to go Because like not only Is he getting lasered From the circle of television

But also like There's just some lasering going on From the Stonehenge Rock And he's just caught betwixt the two Oh it's phenomenal That is from From fucking that television to God's ear. Like that's what's going on there. And he just

is gone. But that is where you'd think the story should end. And then he gets in his car and it turns out that the girl is now a robot which doesn't make any sense. And it's kind of like I have this beef with that shitty Stepford Wives remake where some of the Stepford Wives are like actual darn Tootin robots. And then others are, like, people who have just been kind of turned.

You know what I mean? Yeah, I mean, but this is kind of worse. I mean, the whole thing is, and we should mention, like, he is working against the clock. The commercial keeps saying, like, okay, boys and girls, make sure you tune in at 9 p.m. for our special giveaway and have your mask on. So, like, that's when the final broadcast is going to air, all that shit. No, absolutely. The panic button has been pressed.

Yeah, it's happened. everybody just has to go Atkins is like he should be double timing it and then like they're driving down the road and whatever he's like holy shit this teenager that I've been having sexual intercourse with is a robot that's unfortunate they crashed into a tree and then

he he rips her arm off and then it's just the business with the arm just goes on forever it's like I killed the arm no I didn't kill the arm now it's joking me again now it's not joking me again yeah it's totally like Bruce Campbell with the fucking hand in Evil Dead And so they're going on and on

And this whole time like you're fucking Working against the clock Atkins Just get back in the car And this is why I brought up the car And like whatever okay if he does run into a tree That's fine But they totally show a shot of this car And it's fine

It's perfectly fine And he just starts running his fat ass Down the road Get in the car You don't even know where you're going The as far as we know The entire population of children In the United States

lives hanging the balance here. Yeah, it's all riding on this boozehound's shoulders. Which also, we can get into this is a little weird because this movie takes place in California and at 9 o'clock this commercial is going to air, which, if you know anything about anything, means at

midnight on the East Coast is when they're going to air that commercial. What latchkey kids are up watching this commercial at midnight? Yeah, honestly, if you're looking to kill little kids, the farthest east you're going is fucking mountain time. Like, I'm sorry.

You're not getting the New York kids. Yeah, I mean, the East Coast is safe. Yeah. You're going to have to leave them be. Yeah, I mean, there's so many. I mean, some poorly managed kids are probably up. But, you know, the kids are shitty parents who, like, they wanted to go to a Halloween party themselves and just left the kids to their own devices. Like, there's some shitty older brother who's supposed to be home looking after him kind of thing.

But also, now you got all the, even on the West Coast, all the toddlers are asleep at 9 o'clock by this point. Yeah. He's just a stupid businessman as far as that time frame. You got to do it 7 o'clock right before dinner if you want to be killing kids. Yeah, exactly. And just to go back to, just to get back on the truck with the robot thing, do you think he was just still kind of like, do you think I could maybe use her head or something?

I have a feeling somewhere in the back of his mind. He was like, that hand can't be all even. So he makes his way to this gas station. And it's the gas station that we. you know, saw at the beginning with that poor old gas station attended out in the lonely dark road. And he said, you got a phone, you have a phone. Oh, God.

Everyone's going to say, I swear to God. I swear. And he's like, all right, pal, call your girlfriend or whatever and use my phone. And so he like somehow just knows the number to a television station. And he's like, do with you. Like, he's all

out of breath because, again, he didn't drive his probably functioning car down the road. He ran on foot. in the dark and he's just sweating and huffing and puff and he's like you gotta stop the broadcast no I don't have any proof but all the kids are gonna die yeah exactly it's like that scene in that simpsons episode where Homer is obese and he's like this is gonna be poison gas man there's gonna be real poison gas oh my god and for some reason they believe him so like and also at this point a bunch of kids just come into this gas station wearing the masks is

well yeah again with latchkey kids what parents are letting their kids trick or treat on some dark ass road at a gas station this is some shitty Halloween candy too it's those like doctor lollipops oh totally yeah well you know what that's what you get for trick or treat and at a gas station i'm sorry yeah so you know the first channel it's like we're experiencing technical technical difficulty's like oh thank god at work the kids like really want to see this commercial they switch again technical difficulty is like who and then last the last channel it's still going on and it's like stop it stop it stop it stop it's the end of the movie and it's awesome it's awesome because the plan works the plan totally works cochran covered his basis he's not you know you can't just do

NBC and ABC you got to get everybody you got to get you got to get the the we network or whatever you know if you really want to get them well it's kind of horrid shit though because he keeps on saying it into the phone. Yeah. And he's looking at this kid who is, I'm sorry, four feet from him. Yeah. Yes. And the television is going, take the television and throw it on the ground.

You're a drunk people who understand. There he goes again. Breaking TVs. Yeah, he doesn't have the microchip in his head. It's not like he's mesmerized by this thing at all. Either break the TV or rip the masks off the kids' heads or get him out of the store or something. Like, do something. You might not

be able to save the whole country, but there's three children whose heads are about to turn into grasshoppers and water snakes and rattlers. And you're just yelling into a phone. Do you think the message of this movie was to call your local congressman? And say what? Turn it off! Turn it off! Turn it Oh, by the way, I'd like to imagine that the one station still broadcasting this commercial was Fox. Oh, yeah, Fox would keep that shit on. Rupert Murdoch, oh, wait, he's telling me what? Cape it on. Cape, it's going to kill kids.

Cape it on. Well, I think it's more of a we don't negotiate with terrorists kind of a scenario. Totally. All right. $10,000 question here. Would anyone recommend this movie? 100%. I think this movie, it goes by really fast.

Yeah. There's great deaths peppered throughout. Watching Tom Atkins try and keep the DTs at bay is really a fun. It's a fun ride. Aside from the horrifically gross sex scene, it's kind of a, it's a great shitty movie. Yeah. It's very serviceable. It does exactly.

I mean, this is, I mean. That's on the box for the Blu-ray release. It's very serviceable, says Chris Cabin. Chris Cabin. Chris Gavin, we hate movies. No, I mean. Yeah, I mean, there are a couple things I'm, you know, I, I don't like, I don't like, I don't like the fact that he's not, he's not, he's not, there's no pit stains at any point in this movie. Yeah, that's true.

There's, there's really not enough sweating in this movie. No, and he would have them. But, I mean, yeah, exactly what Steve said, there's, there's good deaths. Um, it's shot pretty admirably, actually. It's a good looking movie. Yeah, it absolutely is. And, and the plot is just bat shit enough to kind of. to be like, you know what, let it go.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, there's plot holes every which way, but it's just, it's so big and so crazy that you got to love it. No, yeah. I mean, I wholeheartedly recommend this movie. And like, when I took the call, you know, I was like, oh, man, well, we have always kind of been wanting to do this movie. I do legitimately like this movie as like a fun, shitty sequel or whatever.

Production note, the movie we watched was Andrew's DVD copy. by the way. Cash transaction. I actually got it off of swapad DVD.com, by the way. I take that back. The third commercial, it's still a, please. Take off the third channel. The third channel, it's still running.

Stop it, please, for God's sake, please stop it. There's no more time. You've got to, please, stop it, stop it, stop it. Now, turn it off, turn it off. Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it. Oh, yeah, that Tom Atkins, he's just an al-gaholic, isn't he? He's fantastic. I will cry whenever God seems, deems fit to take Tom Atkins from us.

Oh, it's going to be a fucking tragedy. About a week from now. The way the 2016's going, man. I know. You know, Lord God, I know you're listening. It's like, instead of rolling blackouts, we got like rolling, oh, well, I guess they are blackouts. They are blackout. Yeah, dude.

Just turning the lights off, left and right. Please do not take Tom Atkins from us yet. I'm just imagining for no reason whatsoever. Alan Rickman pleading for Tom Adkins' life. No, Lord, don't take him. He's not done yet. He's got a direct-to-G movie coming out next month. He's got to do press for it.

No, he doesn't. Alan Rickman wasn't done yet. No, not at all, man. That was a bummer. That was a legend and a genius. So, fuck you, 2016. But the summer reruns keep rolling. I'm going to eat 2016's heart out with a spoon.

Yeah, totally. So the summer reruns keep going on here. We're still just sweat and ass on vacation. Quotations vacation. What are we got coming up yet, Mr. Eric, Mr. Eric Cisca. The Haunting. Oh, now we're going. Really old school.

Starring Bruce Sturing. And Liam Neeson. There you go. So next week, we're chatting about a big budget haunted house movie. Until then, I'm Andrew Juppin. Steven Zeta. Eric Sisko. Take it easy.

Thank you.