We Hate Movies - S6: WHM Summer Rerun - The Haunting

Episode Date: August 25, 2016

Original Air Date: October 25th, 2011 The gang continues their summer break and reruns a really old Spooktacular episode on The Haunting! What's with Owen Wilson's Gap sweaters? Was this really the best way for Liam Neeson to discover a cure for fear? And isn't Catherine Zeta-Jones so hip trying to kiss a girl? PLUS: Baby ghosts! The Haunting stars Catherine Zeta-Jones, Lili Taylor, Liam Neeson, Owen Wilson, Bruce Dern, Virginia Madsen, and Todd Field; directed by Jan de Bont.Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm going to be able to be. Greetings from Orchard Beach in the Bronx. I love Orchard Beach, man. Do you? No, you do not. City Island, dude? City Island's a great time. Well, this is the Bronx.

Yeah. Well, City Island is technically the Bronx, too, but that's an island. But Orchard Beach is on the shore of the Bronx. Yeah, no, you don't want to go to Orchard Beach, man. It's one of the only beaches we got, though. No, man, there was a diaper next to me last time I went there, man. Just floating around. I'll tell you what, though, man.

City Island seafood. Oh, you go to the lobster box, bro? Oh, dude, there's like four lobster brocks. They were all out there. No, my wife and I went Memorial Day weekend. We went out, City Island. You get some fucking fried seafood, dude. Oh, it's outrageously good.

Ooh, I like that idea. Really good, dirt cheap. Wish I was eating it now. Instead, I'm just fucking sweating balls going to work in the summertime. Eat, dirt on your workday commute. But we are here, of course, to continue entertaining. through the summer vacation we're not having. This is an old episode.

This is the haunting. It's a real old episode. We're talking like episode, what, 29? 29, I think so. You'll hear a lot of more hope in our voices? Yeah, we sound a lot younger. Younger, dumber, and, yeah. More sober?

No, I don't know. I don't know about that. For me, anyway, it's the exact opposite. Oh, yeah, that was a real problem. I was a problem. You're like falling asleep during taping. It was, it was, I can't believe, yeah, anyway. I can't believe you're alive right now, honestly.

Congratulations. The liver transplant worked in. Take that little orphan. Yeah, so this is, we're talking. Lily Taylor's mad mom, I believe, is like here in this episode. Liam Neeson talking to Todd. Oh, yeah. That's happening.

Owen Wilson, he's in this movie. He's getting decapitated. He's getting lost in hallways. wearing all sorts of gap sweaters? Oh, it's the year 1990, whatever, all the time. Catherine Zeta Jones is in this film.

Yeah, remember her? Anyone else of note in this movie? Oh, Michael Douglas' wife. Oh, wait. Oh, that's Catherine. No, Bruce Dern. Hey. Bruce Dern, man.

I love Bruce Dern. I met Bruce Dern. He's one of the nicest people. Oh, really? Smock and weed? Oh, schmucking weed, man. We're going to do this Q&A for Nebraska and then schmuck some weed. out in the parking lot.

He was a sweet man. He's in this movie for about eight seconds. That's my biggest problem with The Haunting. Not enough. God damn Bruce Dern. You know everything needs

a little more durn. That's true. So please enjoy our old ass episode on The Haunting. Yeah, incredibly lame pretty much sums it up, I think. We're going out with a, with a dud.

But we finally got to a ghost movie. Yeah, this is this movie spooky. It's very spooky. It's from the spooky year, 1999. The film is The Haunting, directed by Jan DuBan. Oh. That sounds really classy, actually, when you say it like that. Yeah, it does, right?

But then you watch this movie, and it's like, well, this guy can't have that much class. You're directing this movie. You're the fucking DP on Lethal Weapon 3 and so on. And Die Hard. He DP Die Hard? Yeah, and Leonard Part 6. What was that? Leonard Part 6.

Yeah. Oh, the Cosby Flick. Oh, that's like an infamous disaster. He also directed the Laura Croft sequel. Ooh, cradle of filth. No, cradle of life. You think of Lara Croft Boob Raider, which was on the Spice Channel in 1996.

The sequel, Cradle of Filth. Anyway, he also directed Speed and Twister and Speed 2 cruise control. Ooh. Yeah, those are some fucking lackluster credits. So the whole Tomb, quickly, the whole Tomb Raider video game phenomenon was just about people looking at a girl's butt, right? That's kind of the whole thing. But it was boobs too because that was like, that was like jumbo ones, right? Yeah, she had huge boobs spilling over.

And what it was was like, it was the first time video games were like, you know, like her boobs shook when she walked. Yeah, that's the big technological, the towering technological achievement for that. game. Yeah, it's pretty lame, but that's why people, they fucking ate that shit I didn't see the appeal. No, I never played those games. He was boring as sin. boobs jiggle in real life, too, you know. For that,

I'll watch Roswell, which I did. What's Roswell got to do with anything? Roswell had some ladies on it, had the birth of Catherine Heigel. Oh, well, then fuck that show in the mouth. So, the haunting. Steve, what are we dealing with here? Who's getting haunted? Why are they

getting haunted? It's based on a book by Shirley Jackson who wrote the lottery, who everyone read in high school. It's a fucking great short story. Why wouldn't you read it? That's a spooky short story. You want to talk about spooktacklers? That's spookier than this movie. Well, as is the book.

It's about Liam Mason plays a doctor who's kind of like a reverse Jonathan Crane from the Batman. He's trying to say that fear isn't powerful that we can get over it. So he's like, I'll get a bunch of people in this house and have them all afraid of, like, this fake ghost thing. And at the end, I'll say, oh, it's all faking in your mind and they'll realize fear is garbage, I guess, is the idea.

Well, that's the whole thing. He's trying to find a cure for fear. Which is, like, trying to get rid of survival of the fittest in a way. It's like, you're, or like, trying to eliminate pain. It's like, it's like eliminating stuff that you should have. There's certain situations you should be afraid. Yeah, exactly, because if you eliminate, like, the whole, like, concept of fear. from your brain when you're in terrifying fuck situations you're not going to realize it you're not

going to understand it you know i actually have the cure for fear right here glug yeah that's the cure for fear you know one time speaking of pain alcohol i saw i saw this dateline nbc thing about this chick who had some fucking mental disease where like she couldn't feel pain and it was fucked up because she couldn't feel things like when she bit her tongue and shit like that so she was like, well, my mouth's always bleeding because I can't feel when I bite myself and stuff like that. You need pain. You know, I saw a Dateline thing, but it was

to catch a predator. If you want to say, man, those guys, they have fear in that situation. That's terrified. Hey, just a little at-home guide to when an episode's about a movie we really didn't like. If we can't get into the plot summary, chances are the movies

are fucking done. I'm trying to bring it her back around because the major villain of this movie, the big, menacing, ghost that is also sort of the ghost house. Yeah. Hugh Crane. Hugh Crane. Crazy pedophile. Crazy pedophile. Yeah, you know, I was fighting you on this, but I think at this point

I'm going to give it up because what the whole thing is, is it turns out, you know, Liam Neeson's trying to find a cure for fear and whatnot. And it turns out they're in an actual haunted house, whoops. And the house is haunted by hundreds of

baby ghosts, as in ghosts of babies and children. And they're like, what, he had a bunch of babies die on him. So he apparently enslaved a bunch of babies. That's, I mean, yeah, he just, he really wanted babies. And then when his wife couldn't give him babies that, you know, lasted long enough. He just started stillborn. That's not lasting at all, really.

It's not stillborn, though, because they say, like, they just, like, some of them kind of, like, live for a little bit. Yeah, I think one of them was up to year 12 or something. Oh, that's a, that's a good. I'm sure, like, he broke him after a while. You know, you play with your toys long enough. So he needed more, and after, you know, his wife, his baby machine died, he had to get, apparently, I guess, children from his sweatshop or something? He owned, like, a mill, or there was, like, a mill in the town or some shit.

And so he was like, you know, hey, hey, mill children, come up here in my castle. This is, like, 1800s. Do you think that there was, like, a crooked, like, true? officer like just oh who was who was like rounding up the babies and bringing them in like a oh you skip into school off to the crane house with you like a like a pied piper for pedophilia that's got to be you know what that's got to be good pay and work what if you're if you're working for like the crooked baron uh oh yeah he pays well yeah because you're just throwing your morals out the window whoever's at the head of sexual slavery is making

in some bank, I would imagine. Oh, yeah, no, absolutely. Which reminds me of a better Liam Neeson movie, which is taken. But anyway, back to the haunting. So Liam Neeson says he's doing this study in an insomnia and Lily Taylor, Owen Wilson, and Catherine Zeta Jones

go to spend an indeterminate amount of time at this haunted house. I think it's just like a long fun weekend. Oh, like a three day. Yeah. You know, because Columbus Day weekend, nobody really celebrates a call out of this haunted house. Exactly. Everyone's just got that Monday free.

So, yeah, and so they're going to participate in what they think is the sleep study. They're all a bunch of like insomnia acts and whatnot. And, you know, he says, like, we're going to go out to this house so we can be secluded and we're going to do all these tests and we're going to get to the root of why you can't go to sleep and whatever else, you know. And then we're introduced the main character, unfortunately, in this movie. And I've never meant something. so much is when I say the word

unfortunately is Lily Taylor in this movie. She's the main character. We meet her first. Another just cinematic sad sack. She has made a career of sad sackery. That's why when I see her in something I'm like great

90 minutes of a fucking sob story. Here we go. Here we go. Exactly. Or it's just her like trying to just straighten things out. Like I'm kind of walking down the wrong path right now but I'll get there. I'll get there. She's just the fucking worst.

Whenever you see her, it's just a sigh. Exactly. Great. And it's no different to this movie. Yeah. It's funny thing we were watching this movie and I was defending her in the beginning. I was because I do like Lily Taylor and things, but guess what? She is not the main character of any

movie, nor should she ever be. No, do not hire her. Anyone out there who's making a movie right now and you're like, hmm, that Lily Taylor might be good to carry my picture. You're wrong and she's going to sink it. I imagine like a casting director listening to this right now and he's got like two names on a ledger

and it's like Lily Taylor and Nicole Kidman and he's just like, goodbye, Miss Taylor, cross it off. Thanks, we hate movies. Unpleasant details. What have I been dealing with for the past 11 years? I've cooked, I've cleaned, I've mopped up her urine, you call that an unpleasant detail. Hey, now we all know what you've done.

We're trying to help. Do not help me. So she's got all this fucking baggage. She's lived in a small apartment with her mother, who's an invalid. She's just died. And we meet her just after the funeral where her shitty sister, played by Virginia Madsen, is like, well, we're just going to sell this apartment, me and my husband. And she's, you know, oh, I'm getting kicked out of my home. And she's this, Virginia Madsen is this shitty kid that's just like fucking with everything.

everything oh that's a shitty kid he's he's got a face yeah like uh the mad magazine guy alfredie newman yeah he's got an alfredie newman face i've seen a couple kids with alfredie newman face and it's really fucking strange you just want to smack them yeah because they're ugly and they're usually up to no good also which is why you have to kill them all i mean i'm sorry you've ever seen a fucking picture of alfredi newman it's an ugly cartoon character and he's just smug he's just he's got that stinker vibe which i can't handle yeah like Look at me. That's exactly what's going on.

I don't need a stinker. Well, the thing of it is, it's a real fucked up situation because you realize that Lily Taylor is, you know, caring for her invalid mother. Like, that's been her whole life. I mean, she goes through this sob story a bunch of times in this movie. Oh, yeah. But the bare bones of it is she does this

and then she leaves her son-in-law as the executor of the estate. Well, that just shows, yeah, but that just shows like how much, also this mother was just like an evil shit to Lily Taylor everyone's just taking a dump on her face in this movie like her whole fucking family just takes advantage of her she's like the family dormant you know so she sees this study as like an opportunity

like I'm just going to reinvent myself I'm going to take this sleep study and who knows what's going to happen from there this is like her version of college my three days of sleep somewhere else. A sleep study. That sounds sexy and exciting. I'm going to come out a new

person. Speaking of sexy and exciting, can we talk about the fucking cock tease that this movie plays out with the whole like, Catherine Zeta Jones is like you know, she's like a late 90s. I'm a hot chick who's doing dudes and doing

girls and I'm going to tell everybody about it. I believe they call them bisexual. Is that true? No, but this is like lipstick bisexual. kind of a thing, you know. Not just that regular, my saying. Well, like, you know, it's this movie's totally doing, like, it's the fucking right on the heels of the whole Allie McBeal thing where, like, every female cast member

on that show was making out at one point for, like, ratings. That was how they fucking kept the fucking lights on in that show. Oh, no, absolutely. Every nine episodes, somebody might have kissed somebody else. Well, dude, you're not turning in for fucking Peter McNichol. I mean, come on. I should have watched Allie McBeal. But no, you should have.

I did watch Alibbibbill for that reason. I could tell. but so this this flick it's it's that's like the first thing out of her mouth she's like she's like hi people call me theo or whatever and then she's like well my boyfriend thinks so my girlfriend doesn't you could all live together but they hate each other and my boyfriend does this but my girlfriend does this where right out the gate it's like I'm a hot chick who fucks girls get ready movie the book uh I read the book uh I just picked it up. It was an engaging read, but I felt really guilty about it because

I felt like a scumbag because that's kind of, that's kind of how it is in the book as well, this character, like, you know, the Lily Taylor character is this kind of mousy person that's never been outside. And like, there's the worldly woman that's kind of sort of flirting with her. And I was just, I was looking for a good spook story. And I just, this happened. And I'm like, where are we going with this book? Turn the page. What do you think kept me going the first time I saw this movie? I mean, come on. You're looking for the centerfold in that book? Yeah.

The Shirley Jackson. He pulls out. The Shirley Jackson literary classic. The pullout. Yeah. No, it doesn't have. I mean, it's like 1950 something. There's no, she'd be burned at the stake if she put that in her book.

But with this flick, though. You can do it. You can do it, and they don't. And it's all Lily Taylor's fault that it doesn't happen. Because Catherine Zeta Jones' character gives. her some chances. There's a lot of like kissing her on the forehead

tucking her into bed rubbing her shoulder that kind of yeah. Exposing herself kind of not like no like nudity but like lingerie Yeah she takes her clothes off in front of her But that's the interesting thing about when Lily Taylor First meets her like it's just like She's like turning away while she's taking her coat off

And there's this like super close up on Kevin Zeta Jones, like, breasts, and Lily Taylor's like, hey now. Like, there's definitely a hay now moment. Well, yeah, because she then, she turns around. She's like, oh, don't look right at it. Yeah. Don't look right at Medusa's breast. Well, I think it's just probably, you know, living in that fucking piss-soaked, you know,

invalid's house is going to just fuck you up sexually for the rest of your life. No, I mean, I think it's fair to say she's never known the touch of fucking anything. Yeah, no, she's like a 50-year-old virgin in this movie. Is she 50 in this movie? I don't know her face looks aged. You know, she's weathered from all those years. It's just from a big shit-ass life. You sigh enough, your face looks like Lily Taylor.

It's one of those situations where, like, the grocery guy is dropping the groceries off, and she's, like, talking his ear off. And he's like, I have, like, four more deliveries to make. And she's like, no, no, just stay a while. Do you want a cup of coffee? I got beer here, anything, right? Goodbye. Hey, mom, the Swanson's guy talked to me for four.

Four minutes this afternoon. Oh, you whore. You probably threw yourself out of, you whore. Change my bed, pen. So Catherine Zena Jones and Lily Taylor, after there are some a little quasi-flirting there, they run around in the big mansion that they're staying in for this sleep study, thinking it's like, oh, this is so much fun.

This is amazing. And then they bump into the 1990s, which is, oh, and, Wilson in those in those sweaters it's like a 1990s like peacock like throwing its feathers all over the place there's so much fucking neon and bowl cut hairdoes going on it's like a fucking tony hawk create a character exactly no you're absolutely right and it's like it's early on enough in his career too where like he hasn't really found what we know owen wilson to be like if he's a fairly good actor i you know i see owen wilson in something and i'm like yeah yeah okay Yeah, I can get behind this.

This isn't what this is. That's, like, pre what we know Owen Wilson as. Aside from Drillbit Taylor, there's not a movie in his resume that I think is, like, truly terrible. Well, I don't know. Those movies he did with Jackie Chan are pretty awful. Oh, yeah, the Shanghai, whatever. Dune and Shanghai Nights. It was an I spy.

Do you think that... Oh, yeah, I didn't see that. Oh, yeah, I didn't see that either. That was Eddie Murphy. Do you think they ran out of the Shanghai things because they couldn't think of any more titles? They're like, well, we're out. Well, yeah. I mean, the second one's like a pun.

Yeah. Because it's like Night with a K. Yeah. You know, because that's kind of cute. Shanghai Dawn. There might have been a Shanghai Dodd script kicking around. You're bringing your insomniax to this house under false pretension. Because the experiment needs a credible cover story.

Calling it an insomnia study allows me to create a highly suggestive environment to investigate the dynamics of fear. You don't tell the rats. They're actually in a maze, Malcolm. So Liam Neeson. is it pretty reprehensible what he does in this movie like as far as yeah i mean i get the feeling this stuff happens a lot in the world of academia you know the old haunted houses no the bait and switch let's put them all in a spook house and see what happens science i mean technically now like this sort of thing is more like a fucking reality show social

experiment. I think the sci-fi channel used to have a show like this where it's like, let's see how long the people can stay in the spooky house. Like if you stay all night you win a prize. That was MTV's fear I believe it was. Oh, was that MTV's fear where they did that? Yeah, that came out of the Blair Witch Project.

You know, people like huffing and puffing into cameras, they're like, hey, that's a million dollar idea. Right. So they made a TV show about it. MTV Skins. I don't hop in a puffing it and puffing it. Sorry, just bring it back around to the the villain. Hey, yeah, the pedophilia.

That show got canceled for pedophilia, didn't it? More or less. I mean, I think it's one of those things where MTV could feel the heat. They just didn't want to deal with it. Like the UK, they're a little more, we'll just get, we'll step out of this arena. We're sorry, everybody. But the Liam Neeson thing, you do bring to mind a question I had that I wanted to put out to the group. And that is, you know, Lily Taylor sees this advertisement for this, you know, sleep study.

We'll pay you $500 for a weekend of your time. What a loser. Yeah, no, I mean, that's, like, how I'm, like, framing this question. Like, would you guys ever sign up for one of those things? I mean, if it was, like, 900 bucks for a sleep study, I'd probably do it. I have sleep problem. If I was already collecting unemployment, I would definitely do that. What about, like, what about, they always have those ones where it's, like, like, testing these new products for side effects, like, those kind of things?

Like, not necessarily pills, but, like, yeah, maybe pills or, like, new food products. Like, try this new energy. Bar. Hey, Mom, they're doing an energy bar tasting. Can I go, No, you whore. Change my...

You're gonna fill yourself up with the energy products. I know what that is. I know what goes on at Madison Avenue. Make sure you put all your makeup on before you go to your little

taste test, you fucking whore. I know energy bars just nickname for your boyfriend. I wish that this woman was a character in this movie. It would have been so much.

You mean the character we completely invented? Yes, yes, exactly. I'm telling you we could have written this movie a little bit. It would have been better, yeah. That would be the, if the house was haunted by this ghost. This is a real crotchy old bra. The fucking mom from throw mama from the train. There's a movie.

That lady's fucking ghost haunts a house. That would be fantastic. Speaking of starting out with a spook, though, that's something that we were talking about is like, this movie just starts right in with, like, Lily. Taylor's shit life and that's what you're dealing with is like this movie opens now here I am it's 1999 I want to go see a movie

on a Friday night oh the haunting I've seen previews for this it looks mildly scary yeah you know it's got a scary title at least exactly in the preview I saw something about a ghost so let's go check it out what's sad is that's what I did yeah you did see the theater right so first hand to count right

you're going to this movie and you're like all right here we go scare me and it starts out with this chick's shitty life like this movie needed a prologue of some kind maybe like a flashback of hugh crane killing these kids or something it needed something i actually remember seeing this in the theater back in 99 and actually going being like really bored with it yeah it's well it's a boring ass movie like a 14 year old kid being like wow this is fucking boring yeah but you know I stuck through it I mean because any any kind of good horror movie like

and you know I get it like it's not the fault of the movie that they're trying to like develop the main character and you know flush her out give her a little the backstory as terrible as that is and as poorly written but you shouldn't be doing it for an hour well yeah exactly you shouldn't you shouldn't open your fucking movie with the haunting and then it's Lily Taylor

like polishing a bed pan The one thing I do Before we close the door On the opening scene There's something really weird about it I was just thinking about Because as you said it's 1990 Yeah yeah

Show Jackson's book was written in the 50s And it did have this character That you know Took care of her mother And her sister was kind of overbearing And like she really didn't have any options Because she wasn't married Because that's what it was in the 50s

Right right And this movie like it's the same situation But it's in contemporary times There's like cell phones and stuff And she's just like, her sister's like, well, you know, you can either, you know, sell the house to us or you can come live with us and be our maid, you know? Yeah, what the fuck is with that indentured servitude? It's like, it's like, be on the street or be my servant. There are temp agencies out there.

Dude, not like you can work at like a Starbucks, you know, like all this stuff was totally around. Like, fucking Best Buy was around. Like, go get a job at Best Buy, Lily Taylor. Go to the grocery. store anything you don't have to be your sister's slave go to work at a nursing home and you'll get all fucking all sorts of old people pissing on you oh yeah that's what you're into great experience for that i think it's the only thing she had under her resume that would really fit piss pot that's what she did she was piss pot from 1978 to two to 1999 i'll believe it

but yeah that that only struck it that struck me as a little weird like one of those whole over is from the book that just doesn't make any sense. Yeah, there's no reason for that to happen. You're absolutely right. So we get to this haunted house, by the way, and the first person we're introduced to is the character played by Hollywood pseudo-legion, Bruce Dern. Yeah, he is a pseudo-legion. Actually, I want to amend that. Not pseudo-legent, but I would like to say Hollywood, oh, he's here too, Bruce Dern. He was like three career moves away from being Dennis Hopper and it just never happened.

Right. I mean, because he's kind of, he was involved with that crowd of like the Peter Fonda's and the Dennis Hoppers and all that stuff. He was even in a late Hitchcock movie. He was in Hitchcock's last movie, a family plot. Yeah.

Which is a fairly terrible movie. But, you know, I mean, he was a big, he was a big star. But yeah, he was involved in like the counterculture movement and all, you know,

all these things. And what the fuck happened? It just never happened for him. I don't know what it was. I mean, Maybe it's just because he looks like a cryptkeeper? Yeah. Yeah, I think that's it.

I think the balding and the amnesiated face took away from his leading man status. Yeah, when you're getting out foxed by fucking Dennis Hopper in the good looks department, you're in trouble. I always found Dennis Hopper to be quite handsome. But, I mean, he always just kind of took on these roles of like, here he is, the old crank, the old kook. you know the old crazy homeless man he's always just this weird little guy yeah or caretaker for a haunted mansion like in this movie you know and and the thing about

like haunted mansion caretakers is it's always an old ass married couple because Peter or Bruce Dern is married to like this old bat who's like given Lily Taylor like the tour of the house and whatnot and and I think I think the qualification for old married couple haunted house caretakers is that one is just like the nice guy

which is Bruce Dern but then the other half of that couple has to be just like eerily terrifying oh yeah she's all like you're out in the you're out the middle of nowhere and no one's gonna hear you scream and there'll never be an opportunity for you to scream because nothing's gonna happen for an hour and a half the odd portenta at the beginning of the film yeah it's like you forget It's a haunted mansion, and then the haunting start happening. So it kind of puts you in there. Like, you're just, after a while, I was just like, oh, what's this movie about this house? It's just a house?

And I was like, oh, there's ghosts. Wait, there's ghosts in this house. I know this movie is about a woman finding herself. Ah. Because ghosts come, like, you go to sleep at night, you go to sleep, and then you wake up. It's like, oh, my God, there's your ghosts in my room. Yeah. So this movie's like, let's put the audience to sleep a little bit.

Put him to sleep And then they'll wake up And there'll be ghosts This show is sponsored by Better Help You know, my 20s While being a lot of fun A lot of the time We're pretty rough

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Such a large number. And a lot of this money went to fucking late 90s, like the early ages of what we know CGI to be today. And that's what this is. It's just filled with shitty computer animation. All the ghosts are computer, all the little creepy ghost baby faces, you know, they press themselves up against curtains. There's so much fucking forms within curtains in this movie. It's out of the fucking troll. And it just all looks fucking awful.

And the thing about it is, like, it's impossible for your audience to get scared at something when its appearance is laughable. Yeah. You know what I think one part, the problem with that is, is it doesn't, the way they do, the faces and stuff in the curtains it's like full formed it's like there's my nose there's my eyes there's my mouth and it's like I put my face into a curtain

it's going to be sort of like a vague shape of a head which is scarier yes yes exactly it's like you know Lucas showing the monster in the cave and empire yeah totally I mean you're looking at something and like a face

that's not a face is so much more scary that's why like Jesus Christ the fucking like painted faces on the potato sacks and the strangers is horrifying because you know they're supposed to be faces but they're crude

For a second I thought you were trying to say that Jesus Christ didn't have a face So that's why he was terrifying Jesus is terrifying For all different reasons But but and also That's one half of why that CGI is terrible

The other half of it is That's fucking impossible Like you know what I mean Like you said if you put your face up to a sheet it's just gonna look like a vague shape you're not gonna see fucking nostrils unless the fucking thing is made out of

a saran wrap which it clearly is not but like so then what is this inferring that like the ghost is possessing the curtain instead of just pressing itself against it because they do it to like a pillowcase at one point like here's the thing is this movie possessed pillowcase

oh try to sleep well on me this movie can't decide what kind of like haunting happenings they want because it's the way I see it as far as haunted house movies are concerned you get it one of two ways okay the first way is oh it's a haunted house there's ghosts in it

the second way which this movie tries to fucking have its cake and eat it too is the house itself is like a physical like monster entity there's so much shit of like window panes and beams and whatnot like turning to look like a face it's just it's a you know what this happens in like when the house fucking contorts itself and shit

is like the ghost houses and like the Mario video games like super Mario world you gotta go in the fucking haunted house yeah like a big smile with like doors with doors his teeth kind of a thing yeah like a beam turns a certain way to look like a jagged tooth oh I would have loved little

skeletal turtles walking around in this movie it would have been so much Well, the thing about the ghost is, if you look at them, they stop. Yeah, right. There's also the, and this is what's legitimately creepy about this movie, but they fuck it up so it's not terrifying. The fact that they spent $80 million on it? Yeah, that's a terrifying thought that, you know, that money just fucking was flushed down the toilet.

But I'm talking about Lily Taylor's dead baby bedroom that she sleeps into the dead baby bedroom. Okay. She, they're all assigned to like their own private. private bedroom and whatnot. And Lily Taylor's room is just adorned with all these, like, creepy cherub faces. And she's walking around, she walks in, and the creepy old maids are giving her the tour. And she's like, this is your room. It's probably the last room you'll ever sleep in.

And she's like, these are beautiful. I know, I've seen him. It's a lot to dust. I've never seen this kind of beauty. You must love working here. But look how beautiful it is. Oh, you're so lucky to live here. Look at all the beautiful babies.

You're a fucking lunatic. She will not fucking shut up about how beautiful everything is. No, she thinks that house is gorgeous. I don't get it. I don't like faces in the room in which I'm trying to sleep. Not at all. Zero. I don't like dolls.

I don't want faces. I don't want an ornate fucking cherub babies looking at me while I'm trying to sleep. inches above my head. Yeah, there's like 50 in adorning the headboard. All these big fat dead baby faces. I have a question. Uh-huh.

Could you have sex on that bed? Not at all. Because you have all these dead babies looking at you, right? No, exactly. Maybe if you're a pinch. If you're in a pinch. Honestly, man, I'm taking it to the bathroom. If it's one of those things,

and like I'm trying to like, you know, figure out, like get things going and whatnot, and then I just look and there's a thing looking at me like, hey. Hey, I'm a dead baby. They do establish just like 80 rooms in this goddamn house. We only see about four, but... They make a point to say that another weird thing about this Hugh Crane character is that he just had this endless amount of money.

And, you know, whether or not the legend is true that he was luring mill kids into his house and whatever, he kept building onto this house. Like, he owned all this property, and they're just building all these rooms out of this house. So they established early on that there's, like, hundreds of rooms. And the exterior shots make this place look massive. Oh, yeah. This is insanely massive. Buckingham Palace times two.

Totally. Wait, what's great to is they talk about, like, the town lore, like, how he, that old man, Knaz has been seen in years. But pray tell, you could hear some children's voices coming from that castle here and there. Infinite amount of rooms in here, couches, beds, everything you want. House is children. but she continues to sleep in the cherub baby room that is the most haunted room of all the house That's the thing is Owen Wilson gets great sleep in this movie

Oh yeah he's fine Catherine Zeta Jones Here's like a couple knocks here and there Because she's the neighbor Right yeah but that's it And this room is like contorting itself And fucking the bed Like there's all these like posts on the bed That come down and like pin her to it

And that's getting a little weird And she's just like, well, I just got to keep sleeping in here because it's so beautiful. All the babies. I haven't been woken up once by a demanding old woman. This is the best place I've ever seen. And totally. She says they're talking about like at that one point they're all having like a let's get to know each other mixer at the start of this. Oh, can we.

Yeah. And they're talking about like, oh, well, Owen Wilson's like, I'm just, you know, my mind's always racing. So I can never get to sleep. And Catherine Zeta Jones is like, oh, and I'm just such a wild social life that my life just keeps going and I can't seem to get a night's sleep. And then Lily Taylor's like, well, it seems that you all have trouble sleeping because your lives are exciting and it's complicated and you think about it when you go to sleep. But I don't know, nothing's never really happened to me. So I don't have a reason to sleep badly. My life is just so empty and sad and nothing happens.

And I guess I just don't know why I can't sleep. You all just have such exciting lives, and I just have nothing. And she goes like, and she's like, and when you go to sleep, you try to think about, you think about your exciting lives, and that's what's your problem. I don't have that problem. I would just love that fucking ghost. Oh, poor you. I'm sorry. I'm so terrible.

I can't clean myself, Eleanor. I'm sorry you can't be galivanting out with the grocery boy. But whatever, I only birthed you. Yeah, it's one of those scenarios. But so she makes it, she makes it a point to say, you know, I just don't know what it's like to try to get a good night's sleep and just wake up to a cane banging on a wall because my mother would just incessantly bang her cane on the wall

when she needed something. You better not be sleeping. You better not be masturbating there. So, of course, she's the first night she's going to wake up and hear this fucking cane banging. I think her mother's around too. She probably was. She's probably old enough to have been with this guy, right, Craig?

Oh, we'll get to that fucking shitty twist in a moment. It's a shit twist, but yeah, let's keep going. The mixer you were talking about, the beginning mixer, there are some characters there that... Oh, yeah! Director Todd Field, who had a bit of a career as an actor, I think he still acts a little bit... Here and there, yeah.

For people who don't know, he directed Little Children. Little Children and in the bedroom, which won a lot of Academy Awards. I think Little Children's even... I think he might have been nominated for an Academy Award. Whatever. These are critically acclaimed films, whether you like him or not. Melodramas.

He was also in Twister, which Yon DeBant directed. So he's in this for like... He's part of the Yon DeBot stable. He had stable of actors of Yon DeVon. Exclusive club. Keanu Reeves. But it doesn't... No, no, no, he left for Speed 2.

Yeah, he fucking saw that sticker coming. He wasn't staying on that boat. The... Good one. They're in the beginning of this movie, but they just kind of... And, like, special attention is paid to Todd Field's character, like, in that he has to have a name. Yeah. He has to be Todd. He's Todd.

And they make it a point to really drive it home that it's Todd. Because every time Liam Neeson opens his mouth, Todd, can you do this for me? Todd, I need you to come over here. Todd, is it cold outside? Todd, get away from hers. Her eyes bleeding. Todd, pass the salt, please, Todd. And they're both, they're both, like, employees of, like, their lab assistance of Liam Neeson.

It's Todd and Mary. the other assistant and they're just they're having the opening night mix or whatnot and you see one of the little baby ghosts tight beautiful baby ghost the beautiful baby ghost tightens a string on a piano what a sticker that little baby ghost is totally and then so mary comes over and like you know whenever like a piano is opened up you know everyone's got to like drum their fingers along the the strings and she does this and it just breaks off in her eyeball yeah and really really just gets her good like right out of the bat i'm thinking like all right like here's some mischievous ghoul yeah exactly they're out for they're fucking up to no good we're gonna see we see some blood right

away because is this r is pg 13 i think this is pg 13 actually it's got to be pg 13 i can't see nothing fucking happens yeah no it's it's in pg oh this is a bullshit to the i mdb uh mp a rating rated pg 13 for intense horror sequences let's fucking scale back the i word a little bit P-A-A. He does not drop the eye bulb just yet? No, absolutely not. So, yeah, so Mary gets

this, like, piano wire in the fucking eyeball. And so Liam Neeson immediately springs to action and he's like, Todd, you have to take her to the doctor. Let's go, Todd. You have to get her in the car

and you take her to the doctor. You're going to go now. Do you understand me? You're going to go now. What's kind of funny about that sequence, I believe, like, Todd sort of gets there first initially, and Liam Neeson jumps in and he's like,

Todd, you're crowding her. Todd, I love you, but not now. Todd is just there to make Liam Neeson look back. I wish Todd was in this movie. I wish Todd came back. Leave Mary at the hospital. Rob needs to come back and take care of Todd business. But that's the thing that's so stupid about this.

It's a gigantic movie flub. Liam Neeson clearly says to Todd, Todd, you're going to take her to the hospital. And when you hear something about her condition, you're going to call me on my cellular telephone. And then they drive off and they're going to go to the doctor and whatever. But you just never hear her or see from that. ever again they're never mentioned in the movie

it's just gone to quote Doc Brown erased from existence like it's fucking nothing like how do you just drop two characters like that you drive to the border of a movie and like you pass that line you're gone but I would understand that do you exit the movie the 13th floor

you just go out and then nothing and I would totally understand that if this was a movie that took place over one night you know there's other stuff going on And then once the sun comes up, wow, that was crazy. But this movie lasts for like three days. There's a couple of breakfast scenes.

People are just drinking coffee. It feels like it lasts for three days, too. So they should come back? Like, how, what is she? The fucking, like, intensive care unit? Probably. You got kind of the eye with something. Todd has his own movie going on with this gripping medical drama.

Todd's got to go find an eye donor somewhere. We got to save Mary's vision. They get Jerry Orbach's eyes and plop them in there. Oh, my God. But I mean... Jerry Orbach. By the way, he's an eye donor. And if you've ridden the New York City subway,

you've seen a lot of ads that Jerry Orbach was an eye donor. I'm trying to clear that up for everyone. Yeah, that's not a known thing, Steve. Yeah, but that's such a weird ad to me. It's like, because I can't look at Law & Order, which I watch a lot. Yeah. Not knowing that Jerry Orbach's eyes have been popped into somebody's fucking skull at some point.

His eyes might be the same subway car as you. staring at you. It's just one eyeball per person. That's how that works? Because with that, yeah, with that, like, you know, like eye donor, stuff like that, you know, they're not going to get carried away. They've got to spread the wealth as much as possible.

Right, right. So you get one eye. Yeah, you're not going to restore like a blind person to full vision. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, no. Like you can have his best. Yeah, exactly. So there's two people walking around with Jerry Arbach's eyes.

Did they ever met? No. But can you imagine, like, if you, like, join them together or something like that, you kind of made, like, Lenny Briscoe's face. same space can't occupy the same I'm trying to do time cuff rules but that doesn't make sense same eyeball can't touch another eyeball

yeah although I think it can that eyeball by the way you know I watched dirty dancing not too long ago and there's that fucking weird abortion scene that Jerry Orbach's like has to clean up after yeah he's got to take care of that mess Mike the cleaner of dirty dancing

absolutely To touch back on the CGI for a second This movie also has one more CGI problem That was prevalent in tons of stuff When CGI was really coming out And they never got a handle on this So much so that I think for the most part Movies and TV just don't do it anymore

And that's fake breath Yeah When they're trying to pretend like it's cold in a room You know and that's when a lot of this haunting is going on It's like oh the room's getting cold My beautiful room is cold babies are cold get little parkers for the babies and they're just like got the worst fucking like like white foam is just shooting out of their mouths

it's so horrible and lily taylor's running her with doilies putting them on cherubs to keep them keep them all nice and warm tuck them in i don't understand her fucking fascination with like that is a woman that just you know just knows she's never going to have kids so like even ghost ghost babies is their best option right that's a sad thing That's the crusade she takes upon herself. Well, that's the thing. Like, if I can't have kids of my own, the next best thing is obviously caring for an army of baby ghosts. Can I just quickly interject with my favorite scene of the movie?

Because it doesn't take, it doesn't really involve these really huge characters like Lily Taylor and Catherine Zeta Jones. Is the scene where, uh, I was going to say Luke Wilson, it's, it's Owen Wilson, but he's playing a character named Luke. Right. That's the, quickly, that's the dumbest piece of IMDB trivia on this movie. It's like, Owen Wilson plays a character named Luke. His father's Luke Wilson. Here's the thing is, enjoy your day. That's what it is.

It's not trivia if it's something someone can just put together easily like that. Do you remember the trivia before the movie sometimes? That seems like one of those. Yeah, it does. Like you've got in like a regal theater in like the year 2000 and it's like, Corn facts. Owen Wilson played the name of his brother in what movie.

The haunting. You're welcome. Now here's the movie. This is so fucking stupid. I'm sorry. I interrupted you but please. But, okay, so Owen Wilson is walking down the hallway playing with his, he's just playing catch with himself.

And unbeknownst to him, Liam Neeson is walking down the other hallway And they collide, and then it's just, it's like a five minutes. It's like, ho, ho, ho, oh, bumped into me. Oh, God. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, you got to be careful. Are you all right?

I'm sorry. Oh, no, no, no, no. You just don't jump out. Are you all right? Yeah, no, no, no. What's for the glove? What? I couldn't sleep.

I was just insomnia. What's with? Oh, yeah, you got to be careful because I... I wasn't, I was just... No, I know, I'm shy. I just... Oh, interesting group, huh? Owen Wilson is, like, so jostled by this.

And here's why it's ridiculous. It's because neither of them are, like, running at a full clip or anything like that. It's very much just the bump into... Oh, geez, I'm sorry. Yeah. But it's Owen Wilson, like, oh, God, you can't. Oh, gee, you can't. Oh, wow.

Don't do a bum out of somebody like that. That's not... Oh, God, that's, like, really bad. to do, geez, you just can't, oh, like that, like that, it's really bad to do that. And Liam Neeson's, like, trying to cut him off, like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'll go the other way, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I got psychology to work off. Well, that's, that kind of is to a bigger point of, like, the way, how awkward that scene is. Yeah.

Because the last two people that should be in a horror movie are Owen Wilson and Liam Neeson. Yeah. It's very true. Because neither of them are. One is two, like, kind of funny and gee whiz. And the other ones, too, like, just, like, focus for you to buy that he's going to get hurt. Yeah, exactly. I can't picture Leibnison getting hurt ever. Or being afraid.

I'm punch on the face, ghost. Yeah, no, he'd beat the shit out of a ghost. He'd find a way to beat the shit out of a ghost. No, yeah, you're totally right. I think Owen Wilson more so if this movie was, like, kind of, like, creepier in any capacity. And it brings to mind around the same time that this movie came out, they did that House on Haunit, Hill remake. I think they might have came out the same year. It's quite possible. And you know, two House on Haunted Hills credit. And it's, it's a bad movie. Don't get you

I didn't see it. It's not good. I mean, I like the original, like the Vincent Price flicks actually pretty cool. Yeah. But this is just not that. I mean, like, to exemplify my point, Chris Catan's in it. Yeah, that's all you need to know. But, you know, it's at least got a creepier atmosphere to it everything about this movie is just so fucking dull and plain and baby faces there's not a scare

in it until like an hour and 20 minutes in and we are not joking no and it's very bright to be quite not like yeah it's very bright you can see everything ever it's not spooky at all because it's really I think it's more this movie specifically was more interested in showing off what CGI

I can do or whatever the fuck yeah no exactly and it's so dull that way because obviously what horror is I'm going to tell you audience is what you can't see what you know what you know what's going to happen on the corner there's never that moment of like well I you're looking at something you don't know what's going to happen in this movie's defense

I had no idea that Owen Wilson was going to bump into Liam Mason that is the unseen this just in from the internet ticker House on Haunted Hill did come out the same year is 1999 is there zombie Chris Catan in that movie or am I making that up? I don't remember him

being a zombie. I think he does get killed, though. Yeah. There may be some, like, ghost of him or something like that. Yeah. I mean, no, I don't remember him in, like, rising from the grave or anything like that. Zombie Chris Catan, see Corky Romano. These carvings are really creepy.

All these fat little cherubs and angels with furry animals. It's really bizarre, I think. I think they're the children he'll crane built. the house for. I don't buy that for a second. The Hugh Crane was this lovable old tycoon with a soft spot for kids. The guy was obviously running a sweatshop, had children working 16 hours a day. Then he builds all this crap as propaganda.

It's like those telitubbies. Those things freak me out also. So we're going on all these, these tendons and whatnot, because honestly, a lot of these scenes just sort of repeat themselves. A bunch of dull conversation in the kitchen or the sitting room, followed by a night of mild shock and terror from only lily tail like no one else in this movie gets haunted at all no no and that's like kind of the oh sorry but i mean that's the whole the whole kind of thing is like you know they they do eventually figure out that Liam neason's lying to them so the whole thing's like

oh well lily taylor's just this crazy person that you brought into the study because she's saying all these insane things yeah yeah yeah nobody believes are kind of a thing like if you want a haunted house movie make everyone get haunted like everyone eventually starts seeing shit like the you know the tail end of the third act and whatever honestly show me ghosts that aren't part of a curtain pillowcase

or some type of metal statue yeah no exactly and I pointed it out when the scene where they're walking around the house her being Lily Taylor and Catherine Zeta Jones characters are walking around the house like oh this is so fun it's a crazy fun house blah blah and they walk through a door that's

Like both parts of the door are mirror. Okay. And the camera holds the shot on the door. Like, they walk through it and the doors close. And the doors just keep closing and closing and closing. And then they close. And then there's nothing in the mirror. Like, that's, like, if you're making a haunted house movie,

yeah. Those doors slowly close. And when they close, you see the reflection of a ghost in a mirror. Like, that's how this stuff works. You don't just have a fucking shot of a mirror and not do something with it. Yeah. God, yeah. So, I mean, we might as well get into the heart of the mask.

they see you know they find a bunch of blood written on the wall well like welcome home yeah welcome home eleanor welcome back cotter and then oh man if there were a couple of sweat hogs in this movie that would be phenomenal we would just try to scare you mr carter we didn't meet no harm we knew you were trying to leave with your girlfriend so we just tried to scare you a little bit these guys these was just a joke i mean let's not get nuts and nothing this movie dissolves into a 70s sitcom, I'd be totally mad with it. Who'd have thought

they need you? Who'd have thought they need you? Back here where we need you. Back here where we need you. Yeah, they'll tease him a lot because we got him on the spot. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. So they find the blood and then like the haunting start to escalate. Liam Neeson gets tugged by like a giant statue. Yeah, he gets pulled underwater by a statue, a fountain statue. And then he gets pulled underwater. It's like this, you know, like, oh, is Liam Neeson going to bite the big one here? Yeah.

But, like, lets him go. And Liam Neeson, like, literally gets up, like, doesn't fucking say anything. It's just like, whatever. It cuts to him washing his hands, like, oh, that was close. Yeah. Like, and that's the end of it. That was a scary one. And I don't understand why this movie.

Too manly to be afraid. I was going to break that statue. was fingers. I don't understand why this movie, like, the script waited until the third act to, like, start doing stuff to anybody. Like, you have, you know, I get it. It's like a small cast. Like, it's mainly four people in this house, you know, for 90% of the movie or whatever.

But, like, either than, you know, populate it with some more characters here and there. So, like, they can be kind of killed. Like, why are all these people disappearing? Yeah. You know, like, that happens in these movies. Yeah. Well, but the thing of it is, because you have to. Two options.

And I mean, like, I think the book, there's an atmosphere. So it's a very small cast in the book. And, like, there's really no body count until the end. The main character actually kills herself, which is pretty awesome. And, like, you don't know if it's a real ghost or if it's in her head, which this movie totally spells up to you. That it's super real ghosts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, like...

And in the 1963 version of this movie, doesn't, like, the main character, like, jump in front of a car at the end or something like that? It's another type of suicide. Yeah, in the book, I think it's probably the same thing. She drives into a tree. Like, because she doesn't want to leave the house because she's so fun. fucking nuts at that point. Right. But like... Better ending. Exactly. That's atmospheric. So like, yeah, there's no, there's no

like, you know, big, there's no big, you know, body count. But, oh, wow, it's so creepy and tense. But there's no tension, no nothing. So you might as well have a body count at that point. No, exactly. And, you know, I'm not saying, like, I need a body count because I know it's perfectly fine. I fucking love atmospheric horror. Like,

I absolutely love that. I love that more than I love slasher movies. Oh, sure. And stuff like that. And I mean, I guess I'll just bring this up now because I wanted to give two options of actual good haunted house movies and both of them happen to be good atmospheric horror movies too the changeling with George C. Scott from 1980 and House of the Devil from 2008, 2009, something like that.

How about The Shining? That's another big house. Yeah, or The Shining, yeah, you know, everyone's seen that. Obviously. Well, yeah, obviously. But I mean, all three of those movies are successful not because there's a high body count, but because the filmmakers are incredibly successful at just creating this sense of dread in these houses.

I want to just add one more on to that, which is insidious that just came out last year or maybe earlier this year? Yeah, it was this year. I still got to see it. James Wan, who did Saw, and it's like a totally different mode. And it's, I mean, there are some echoes of jigsaw

and parts, and you're like, oh, no. But more often, more often, no, I just scared everybody off the movie. No, more often than not, it's just, it's one of the scariest movies I've seen in the TV. and it's there's no real body count it's just like really atmospheric haunted house dread and it's really cool totally i mean that's i mean i was blown away when i saw a house of the devil it's it's also partially a gimmick movie because the whole thing is shot and designed to look like it was actually made in the 1980s so much so that like when the flick came out for home release they

released it as like a DVD VHS combo where it had like the old clamshell case and everything but it's that same thing of like there's nothing happening but everything is happening yeah you know it's a great movie but there's no ghosts zero ghost yeah but it's just a scary haunted house no no exactly but but yeah i mean i i think this actually brings to mind the whole idea of like showing versus not showing and i think that's why because he's such a proponent of not showing anything he never showed the shark until he had to i wonder if this is why stephen spielberg eventually ditched out on this movie he was attached as like an executive producer yeah that the idea and he like walked away he has to be removed something like that yeah that definitely have but there's also there's also

rumors on the iMdb that's not trivia about luke wilson's name there's actually trivia saying that he possibly directed some scenes because he was so dissatisfied with the cut or whatever but that's that's never been substantiated one way or never i i imagine he just walked away from the project because it doesn't look like steven spielberg really had a hand in this no i mean No, I'm not saying in any way It looks like he did, but I'm saying that's why maybe You know, like, he took a look at this cut and was like, Are you kidding me?

Like, look how fucking awful this is. Well, Yonda Bonn, I mean, he's all spectacle, and that's the problem. I mean, like, if you look at his resume, it's Twister, it's speed one and two. Yeah, the speeds. The speeds saga. And, but look, look, those movies are all about like, oh, man, look at these, look at the big explosion. Well, yeah, he's the DP on fucking diehard. Yeah, I mean, that's, yeah, that's exactly.

what kind of school thought he's coming from i don't know how he got this project it's really a bad mismatch no it absolutely is um let's get into uh just to kind of start talking about the tail end of this flick here uh we teased it a little bit a few minutes ago but the shit twist there is a shitty fucking twist in this movie it doesn't even make any fucking sense no so so throughout the flick lily taylor's like piecing together this story about this child killer and all this And what I like to call Resident Evil cutscenes. Yeah, it's a Resident Evil cutscene. Explain what you mean by this.

Not the movies. If you ever played a Resident Evil game, especially like the original ones, you'll always go into a room and there'll be a book. And you sit down and like you have to flip through somebody's journal and certain words are highlighted. That's what I hate about those games. It's like, oh, pretty cool. I get to shoot some zombies. And it's like, well, now you've got to solve this riddle. Or move around this giant puzzle.

Oh, God. And it's like, let me kill things. Exactly. I was scared before. And I'm just fucking bored, dude. Totally. And that's, so she's got a big research scene. She, of course, pulls back a bookshelf and there's a, there's a hidden office that this, this fucking kid toucher.

Yeah, he's got his inventory of kids. Yeah. It is. It's like, he's like balancing his checkbook, but with babies. Could we call it a kid inventory? It is a kidventory. Absolutely. So she's like, uh, thumbing through.

the pages of this kid, Ventura, you know, and she's, like, becoming more and more horrified. Look at all these beautiful names. I've got to save these babies. Oh, Abigail lasted till 12. And she somehow, like, makes this connection that she was related to the wife of this murderer. Delusions of grandeur, I think, is how she connects them.

Yeah, totally. And she starts getting this whole thing in her head about, like, you know, they're not related to me but this is my family like these ghosts are my family now no they're not related to you and you know what apparently the house called her yeah the house oh that's right the house made a phone call that the house made of the house i guess just like hacked into the phone lines i guess whenever they wired this thing for telephone it went mad with power apparently uses leapparently leon's voice with the i guess that i guess he had passed by before i don't know how the house got Liam Neeson's voice to talk to you on the telephone to come in for this study. The house is doing a bad Irish brogue.

Yeah. Maybe she just got pretty called by a drunk Irishman. Do you all you want to participate to the sleep study, do you? Well, just come to here at this particular time and there's going to be people there to let you in. You don't want to be a modern day slave for your sister, do you? Come to the slave study.

But if you didn't call me, Liam Mason, who does? The house? It's such a glossed over deed. like it's in the middle of an action secret oh and wilson's trying to drive a car into the gate to like set them free because they all want to get out of the house and she's like why did you ever call me for this study in the first place or whatever and he's like i never called you for the study the first time i talked to you was when we met at this house and it's just like a weird like oh what but then it just turns back to him smashing a gate and no one ever mentions it again the best part about that scenario is like yeah a bunch the house gets a lot spookier towards you And as you might imagine, the first casualty of the movie is Liam Neeson's cell phone. At an hour and 23 minutes, the first death is Liam Neeson's cell phone shattering. But, like, yeah, they're trying to get out of the house. Like, holy shit, let's finally get the fuck out of this house, right?

Yeah, yeah. And she, you know, like, Liam Neeson's trying to go to the gate and like, oh, my God, it's locked because you have to be locked in for some reason. And, you know, instead of using Liam Neeson's car to break it, Owen Wilson runs to Lily Taylor's car for whatever reason? Just her shitty little like a you know Dodge Dart type whatever

This car's worth considerably less money Let's use it If anyone doesn't You know If anyone's not gonna miss anything It's this fucking car I'm gonna use a Mercedes Are you crazy?

I mean there's ghosts at all But get real I know honestly just real quick If you want to blame anyone For all the deaths That wind up happening in this movie Whatever blame Bruce Dern Oh absolutely

He locked that gate like a jerk he wears a tight ship goddad it would be great if at the end of the movie it was a fucking because honestly

Bruce Dern has this face if it was a Scooby-Doo ending and it was fucking Bruce Dern the whole time like he has the face if you ripped off a fucking they pull off his face and it was him

he was creating the whole time yeah the creepy innkeeper that you know like fucking because he was trying to make a development deal or whatever always a fucking development deal. Yeah, it's something to do with land. Oh, absolutely. How is it that you make so much money because a house may or may not be haunted?

Someone explain the fucking economics of that to me. The Scooby-Doo economics? Yes, the Scooby-Doo economics of fucking a house's property going way up because it's haunted. Well, no, I think it's that they're trying to do these hauntings so that they don't try to buy the house. Oh, so they drive the price down so they can get it on the cheap. I'll never sell to anybody. Like, that's always that's what it is. It's not the spookier the houses, the more it's worth. It's just these crotch-of-the-old fucks don't want to sell their houses to the land developers. I'm sure there's a market you can sell your haunted houses, too.

I'm sure there's someone out there that would pay good money for a haunted house. I was some fucking sick tickets that just want to live where there was like a mass murder. You move into Lily Taylor's old house. Stop fucking, you whore. You're not my daughter, but still I don't care. Can I return this apartment? It's not quite got the ghost I was looking for. It's more of a belligerent ghost, which I'm not crazy about.

This ghost doesn't turn me on. It's like that it would. I thought of errands. I can't handle it. You gotta go to the store. I need my milk. Get me the low-fat milk. If it's not the low-fat, I'll send you back.

Honestly, I would take a fucking Scooby-Doo twist ending over this. I'm related to. all the ghost's endings. Definitely. Because here's the thing. She starts, like, yelling at, like, the, so the, the Hugh Crane ghost finally comes out of his painting, and he's all pissed off. He's a huge ghost.

He's a big old, like, giant ghost for no reason whatsoever. Because he's got a giant house. Yeah. Spread out a bit. And he's also the end guy at the end of this fucking shitty video game, you know, Castlevania or whatever. So, so she's like, she's like, get away from all these kids. not this time grandpa blah like i'm back it's not about them

it's about family it's always been about family yeah it's about caroline and the children from the mills and you can hear their voices family family grandpa

and I've come home yeah she does she calls him grandpa and he groans at that just like I did Just like all the fucking not-packed theaters did when that line was given. Like, she's got this whole little monologue about like, I'm here and I'm not leaving.

You don't scare me. The babies need their mother. Here's the thing. And I know that Lily Taylor's character has very low self-esteem in this movie. And that's like pretty, like, that's like the first thing we have needs and says. He's like, oh, she has obviously clearly a case of low dependency disorder and low self-esteem. It's like, wow, that sucks. She'll be perfect for my experiment.

He didn't read that off her file. He just looked at her. He looked at her fucking shitty blue jeans. Like, oh, this girl doesn't care about herself at all. What a sad sack. She'll be perfect. But if I'm a living human being and there's just a bunch of fucking baby ghosts that need to be sent back to whatever, that's fucking spilled milk, man. I'm getting out of that house and it's the end of it.

I don't care. Right. I'm sorry. Like, I hope the next person. comes along as a better person than me but but here's why she also feels this attachment towards these baby ghosts is because she she makes this comparison a lot throughout the movie which is that she considers the time she spent taking care of her mother right this 11 years as i was living in purgatory so she can relate to all these ghosts that haven't been able to move on what do you

mean purgatory i'm not fun enough for you oh it was so bad living under my roof again Well, guess what? You did it for 19 years before that and didn't say a fucking peep about it then. You know, Lily Taylor, I think there's no cable in purgatory. We watched movies. The price is right. Don't you remember?

God, how much better with the haunting of been with this belligerent mother ghost in it? So let's bring it around here to wrap things up. So she is, she, she frees the, the kid ghosts because she instructs the house. Yeah, she instructs the house to unleash the demons that are in the doors. There's just some demons in the architecture. That take him to hell or like, which is really just shoving him onto a concrete wall, not concrete, like a metal wall and like he fuses to it and becomes like part of the demon wall.

Yeah, it doesn't make any sense. We're actually skipping over the one. only good scene in this movie. That is very true. Oh, wait, yeah, all right. We'll dog hear this discussion about the ending to just talk about the one thing that is worthwhile in this movie that I'm sure

you could just find on YouTube. Steve, you were the one who was seeing this for the first time tonight, so why don't you explain? Like, the whole movie, like we said, there's no body count. There's no, like, real atmospheric horror. So you're just like, what the fuck is going on with this movie? And just, like, why am I even?

There's no payoff to anything. except when Lou and they're like trying to break into they're trying to break out of the house they're like they're stuck in the house they're throwing chairs into the windows and they're getting stuck and like the ghosts are fucking with him so Luke Wilson just starts fucking shit up

and they put the ghost throws him onto a carpet and the carpet sucks him into the fireplace yeah and there's a previously set up like pendulum I guess you would call it right it's the it's the flu for the chimney oh I see I don't know if these work it turns one way it opens so air can get up

most people on this podcast aren't chimney rich the flu the flu is this big lion's head and it just like mortal combat just fucking knocks Owen Wilson's fucking head clean off oh it's a clean cut man it's bloodless too which is a big thing

and Lee misis just like looks away a little bit he kind of saw it coming for some reason yeah he's like oh the fool you know Like, that's, that's all he gives as far as grief is concerned. And, you know, I can picture all the, like, computer animation dudes on staff being like, so listen, Mr. DeBan, we've got this great thing set up where when the big lion's head flew hits him in the head and it rips his head off. There's this ridiculous amount of fatality-esque blood going around. And he was like, you know, fellas, why don't we tone it down a little bit?

Because there's just nothing there. And I'm sorry. Totally bloodline. If your head gets ripped off, bloodshot. shooting out of the stump. Yeah, but there's none of that, but what's funny about right after that, that's, I guess, intense horror scene is there's

the, the, for some reason it, like, explodes outward the fireplace and there's all these baby bones and skeletons just raining down. It rains baby skeletons. It vomits baby bones from the fucking little crypt there.

So that the big, bad ghost of Hugh Craig gets shoved in the wall, the little ghost babies get to fly away they all fly to heaven they all fly out and for whatever reason it's somewhere in this battle of wills uh lily taylor's body has been like pressed up against a door she fuses too with a door kind of yeah and then she like drops down and for kind of no reason she's just dead and her soul just comes out of the out of the body and she flies away with all a little baby goes to you know be a ghost with them oh good you're in heaven now now you can

fucking take care of me here. Finally, my heaven bedpan is filthy. She still has bladder problems in the afterlife. Nothing's white on this cloud. It is grotesque, but it's true. Because

a woman like that, not even in the afterlife, is she getting the fucking peace that one deserves? Because she's just that terrible of a person. Before we go around, I kind of want to do like an in defense of this movie. Okay. Because I read I was trying to, you know, because some movies, you know, people like and people don't. Sure.

So it's all subjective art. So I checked out IMDB's user reviews, and I checked out these two 10 of 10 star reviews. 10 out of 10. Was one written by Yon Dibon? No, they were written by Vortex 6 and Misty Ferry. Oh, those guys, okay. So I'll start with Vortex 6. He's more articulate.

This film has gotten some terrible reviews from their critics. Ignore them. This version of The Haunting isn't the best scary. movie I've ever seen, but there are enough genuinely hair-raising moments in the film to make it worth watching. The experience was believable with good chemistry between all the characters. The sets were to be experienced, not described. The music- What are you fucking talking about? Oh, please continue. We would go down the vortex. And the musical score did a wonderful job of supporting and argumenting the action on the screen. Some critics would go on

about audience laughing at the action on the screen well some parts were intended to be funny it was the whole thing it was here here's here explaining it it was like being on a haunted house ride at a county fair and should be enjoyed as such no that's not what i'm paying ten dollars to go see despite the occasional popcorn munching and general chatter the spooky moments popped out of nowhere and definitely got our attention when the specter of hugh crane the film's biggest baddie ghost comes booming out of his 20-foot portrait at the top of the staircase some of us almost came out of our seats some of us were always roused to sleep the effects of the final scene are worth the price of admission alone don't let a lot of bad press and jaded critics keep you from enjoying this film it's not classic cinema but it's still an enjoyable ride

nonetheless what an asshole you know what if i want to go to a fucking podunk county fair I'll go to a podunk county fair. Totally. Because that's... This is an 80 million poeot of county fair. It's the most expensive haunted house ride at county fairs ever seen. There is actually that one scare that we mentioned was very much like that. Like, it's the first time you see the baby crypt.

And, like, she looks in and a big skeleton sits up and I go, ah, ha, ha, ha, ha. Yeah, no. It's just like the shitty fucking stock noise. It's like because she opened it. It pops out. It's like an automated. yeah it was no it's a shitty jack-in-the-box skeleton all right what's this other this one's much shorter and it's it's kind of funnier okay misty fairy says

i'm a big fan of ghostly movies i've seen many while the haunting may seem low budget million dollars at all that's not by the complaint exactly i still think it's a great movie i've watched it over and over to see if i missed anything the first time around l-o-l what are you missing l-o-l by the way this movie slow is a fucking crawl it's It's not like it's flying by you. It's as a dead baby crawl.

The actors and actresses have done a great job as well. My favorite being Nell and Jake. There's no Jake. I think she means Luke. Jake. Maybe you should watch it one more fucking time. I think I would have to say that I disagree with some of the others. This movie was very entertaining and it gave information on a well-known house.

I'm not all that sure, but if this was, based on a true story but but if it is well i would love to visit that house and see if it's really haunted my and see if it's really haunted myself i plan on getting this on DVD so i can keep watching it thanks for listening l-o-l have a great day are you kidding me i guarantee you this person hacked in and put in the fucking luke wilson comment look have a great day i know my ideas maybe seem wrong to you but I have a lot of fun with this movie aren't movies fun some people should just

be banned from the fucking internet like that's that person is one of them uh all right so let's go around Steve would you tell anybody to see this movie no I wouldn't at all uh I would one more haunted house movie that I want to sneak in that's a really good movie which I almost want to do for this

podcast because it's so fucking batch it but it's actually a really good movie it's the entity uh it's like early 80s uh Barbara Hershey movie where she gets raped by a ghost and there's more to it than that but it's like a fucked up

movie yeah correct uh totally agree Eric would you recommend this movie no no not at all I would say check out ghost with Patrick's crazy yeah that's totally fair that's also a movie in where the bad guy gets dragged to hell by demons

so you're dead Willie you're dead Willie oh god that's so fucking great that fucking Willie Lopez. What a sleaze. No, I would not recommend this movie either. Fucking House of the Devil, the Shining. I definitely want to see Insidious. And The Changeling with George C. Scott

rent that movie instead. Still not enough Bruce Dern. Not even enough goddamn Bruce Dern in the conversation. We fucked it up too. That's the problem. I got a question. Have you been have you at home been

listening to this show since The Haunting? Right into the mailbag. Tell me what's your life flight. What changes have you seen since the haunting? We all hate movies at gmail.com. And are you still taking care of your invalid mother and did she die? And then did you go into a sleep study to see a haunted house or whatever? A fake sleep.

Oh, it's a fake sleep. Like rats and amazeric. I'm going to trick you all, you stupid fucks. You're going to be taken. In my con. I'm going to take you into my dreams. So... Oh, Liam Neeson is Freddy Krueger

Send me up. Better than Jackie O'Herling. Oh, of course. I love killing children. One, two, Freddy's coming for you. Oh, but I won't do any fucking one-liners. That's for sure. No way, dude.

No, it's a straight Freddy Grueger. What's not your daughter touched my penis? That's apparently a plot to a movie I haven't seen. Directed by Leonard D. Moore. Oh, yeah. Steve, I told you about this, right? It's like the good mother or something. Yeah, that's been on...

And Liam Neeson, like, are lovers. And, like, she's a divorcee. And, like, little girl has to touch my penis. And I said, okay. Yeah, it's one of those... It's like, we hate movies backburners. Like, would anyone listen to that? I don't know.

The answer is no. It's a Thursday release at best. It sounds disgusting. And I read it Ebert's review. Yeah. And it was like... And then Liam Neerner and said, I'm going to touch you.

Oh, Roger was writing in Liam Neeson's voice. I can't believe this movie got made. Three stars. Only three out of five stars. I wasn't taken with the premise. So our reruns keep going. They keep on chugging, man. Because we just, you know, as much time as possible

to just kind of lay easy, getting ready, getting amped up for WHM season seven. I'll see you in City Island, brother. You in that diaper. Stephen the talking diaper? There's a cartoon I'd watch. You don't bite the bullet. It's silver bullet.

Oh, next week we're talking vampires. No, we're talking werewolves. With Gary Busey, man. So next week, Stephen Kingtown. We're coming for you. Until then, I'm Andrew Jupon. Stephen Seda. Eric Sisk.

Take it easy. Thank you.