We Hate Movies - S7 Ep265: Episode 265 - The Substitute 2: School's Out

Episode Date: September 13, 2016

On this week's episode, the gang goes back to school with Treat Williams in, The Substitute 2: School's Out! Is he really bringing luggage to a funeral? How many mercenaries retire to become teachers? And is that janitor living in the school's boiler room? PLUS: Rudy Giuliani goes for The Dip. The Substitute 2: School's Out stars Treat Williams, Christopher Cousins, Susan May Pratt, and BD Wong; directed by Steven Pearl.Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Today on the program, We Hate Movies kicks off our seventh season by talking about the substitute to schools out. Oh, God. No. Here we go. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadek. Eric Siska. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone Welcome back to We Hate Movies on the Sideshow Network.

Guys, how was summer break? Oh, I lost so much weight and I gained it again. Oh, yo-yo, say that. Oh, yo-ya, that comes to play later. It does. Oh, that's right. This is our back-to-school episode. That's right for all you poor bastards going back to school.

And you said the subtitle. I guess is it a subtitle when they do a colon? It's the substitute to schools out. I don't know if there's a colon inserted anywhere. Why is it? Oh, it's like Star Trek into darkness. But why is it schools out? It should be schools in.

Yeah, school is back in session. No, because it gives them an excuse to play a terrible cover of schools out for the summer by Alice Cooper. My mother is that the worst thing that I've ever. ever heard. A quick note on the whereabouts of Chris Cabin because I think people are worried. Yes. We've been yo-yoing with people's hearts, by the way. He's back state side. He's back on the show.

He's going to be on as many episodes. We're mostly doing four-person episodes for season seven. Yes. But it's going to bounce around depending on availability. So sometimes I won't be here sometimes. Eric won't be here. Thank God. I love those episodes. Me too.

But the thing is, you know, Chris is getting settled back into life in the United States after so many years abroad. He's being screened on suspicion of being a terrorist. I thought he was... If you have to know. They saw his shoes and was like this refugee line right here, sir.

I think he's being quarantined like a dog. Like a dog has to say in quarantine for six months when you move to a different country? Pretty much. So he's going to miss a couple episodes at the top, but he will be back. He will be back. Just an FYI. And other things are changing too here on the We Hate Movies. Yeah, before we get into the substitute

to possibly call. possibly not calling schools out. Right. We got to reveal. M-Dash school is out. We got to reveal a couple things. Like, first of all, I've been a ghost the whole time. That is true.

Steve and I are the same person. It's just one body doing two voices when you've seen us live. One of them is an actor. Try to guess which one, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. The plants are alive and they're trying to kill you. That's a real thing that's going on right now. I just love the idea of it.

It's just one podcaster and a lonely ghost. that's so sad none of that is true however we do have a Patreon which is online y'all oh that's so cool that's like a real podcast they do that right now we're a real podcast

okay now we're asking for money now we're an ah real podcast yikes welcome to our real podcast my podcast about our real monsters I like how we make fun of things I double dare you to listen to that I like we make fun of things that are

exactly us It's just like, oh, man, imagine we were only slightly different. That'd be stupid. Man, minute by minute. Exactly. That's what you call riding on a high horse. Yeah, you should always punch down. No, it's punch up.

So we have this thing set up. Patreon.com slash we hate movies. You can go there. You can become a monthly patron of the show. And we just want to quick go over. And then we'll get to the substitute to call us. school's out. Literally no one in the world's like, when are they going to talk about the substitute do? Dude, there's, well, Treat Williams is listening right now and he's like,

I remember making this movie. Get to it. Uh, so anyway, so here we go. Here are the tears. You can again go to patreon.com slash we hate movies, but we figured we'd spell it out for people a little bit. That's such an easy link. Patreon.com slash we hate movies. Yeah, that's right. It's convenient. Mm-hmm. So $2 a month. Hey, thanks a lot. Thanks for contributing. Sincerely, thank you. That's for people who are like, I don't have a ton of cash, but maybe I want to, because people have said this to us. Like, I want to throw you guys money. We've had the donation thing up there. It's been like weird and people, we don't really plug it that much. It's kind of a little scatter shot. Yeah. But if you're like, hey, I like those guys. I just want to, you know, I'm going to take out what a two liter of soda costs and give that to these guys a month just because I enjoy the content. Good for you. And we do. This show is powered on two liters of soda. I don't know. Keep in coming. And it's a real sincere thank you for those people. And it's awesome.

It would be super nice if you did that. And you get access to a brand new feature, which is a newsletter. Yeah, a monthly, a monthly newsletter. It's going to have in-studio photographs of us. It's going to have sort of a what are we watching kind of a thing. Well, a little blur about what people are into these days and just some recaps and fun stuff. And, you know, it'll be a fun little newsletter for those. $2 a month, that's what you get.

So $3 a month, just for $1 more. You get all that other stuff, plus access to animation damnation. Yep, you don't know what that is, animation damnation. Once a month, we are talking about a bad cartoon, an episode of a bad cartoon, whether it's something from our childhoods that were beloved and now we realize are terrible or things we've never heard of. So anyway, that's tier two. Tier three, $8 or more.

You get all that other stuff, AD, the newsletter. the big thank you from the bottom of our fat hearts. And on top of that, month in advance access to each of the four yearly commentaries we will be putting out. That's right. We are now committed. We're going to be doing four a year, right? Poor commentaries a year.

So you get a commentary a quarter as it is. Yeah, a month before it goes on sale. And you're getting that for free as well. Obviously, we're not going to charge you for the commentary that you're already paying for. But there's also something else happening in this year, which is pretty exciting. Something new, something different.

A big new bonus show premiering Patriot exclusive. Yes. It's called The Nexus. And it's us talking about Star Trek the original series and Star Trek the next generation. Yeah. And what we're going to be

doing is it's basically a Star Trek Recap show, but the twist is we're going to do TOS and TNG at the same time. Each episode is going to have two episodes starting with the original series episode

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We're just going to go through every single episode of these things until we die. It's sort of like a Star Trek watch club, basically. So $8 a month you get the newsletter, the thank you, which is just kind of like a general thank you. you yeah uh uh animation damnation access to the commentaries a month in advance and this new show the nexus so as of this recording the patreon is live and went live september 1st it is alive it's ready to go patreon.com slash we hate movies now onto the episode the substitute to schools out from 1998 great year by the way the best uh directed by steve pearl not steve earl by the way

He was not directing bad sequels. Steve Pearl. Who's how Steve Earle? Steve Earl. He's a great musician. Jesus Christ. Wait, what did he do? He's a great like country blues man. I knew it was going to be country.

The name Earl just gives that right away, doesn't it? First or last name is going to be Earl. Well, regardless of your ignorance to Steve Earl. This is Steve Pearl, and this is the substitute to, this is the Berringerless substitute to minus a photo in some guy's wallet. I mean, it's kind of a spiritual remake. It's basically a remake. Yeah. We'll see what happens

is Tom Berringer goes back in time. Yes. And then the gang follows him through the portal. Oh, no. And then it like changes things, right? And then like Tom Barringer's dad dies earlier. So, yeah, this is Treat Williams at the helm, by the way. I like, I like Treat He is a treat.

I mean, he's a delight. He's also always kind of creepy, which is a good thing. It's a good creepy, though. And whenever I think about him, I imagine something. And then whenever I see him, he's 10 years older than I thought. It's like, I didn't think he was going to look this old in 98. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's an older gentleman.

He is. You know, there's a bad sign for this movie, like, right at the start. The company that, like, produced it, it's just live entertainment. And you're like, okay. I've definitely seen that on a movie. VHS. No, it's a big VHS. I mean, the thing I like about this movie, it's like an 90s indie New York movie. Like, it is. You think like Steve Bouchemmy, John Totoro, Michael Imperiali, or Richard Edson, they're just going to show up at any second. Oh, absolutely. Or they're making a better movie around the block. More than likely the cast of Little Odessa shows up. Michael Moriarty walked down from the set of Law and Order to see what was going on at the time. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, no, this is, like this is like a like a sea grade little odessa kind of movie can we get into how bad this cover

of the the alice cooper song is yes let's let's get into it it took me forever to realize it was even that and i was like because there's so much like jazzy fart synth piano in this it's fart rock it's a fart rock copper of alice cooper and it's distracting and it's the funny thing is it's not even real it's not a band that does this if you look at the end of the thing it's just like three studio musicians, they just shoved at this cover. Yikes. Like, learn how to play this in an afternoon. Could have used some Steve Earl.

Steve Earl would have made a fucking fantastic cover of schools out, parentheses for the summer. Just an FYI. I believe you. So, Treat Williams is another mercenary turned substitute teacher, which

I think in this universe there are no fewer than four mercenaries turned substitute teacher or teacher. Well, that's like the after, that's the retirement plan. I guess so. Like, it's, isn't in the first one, because it's the same universe. Treat Williams used to work with Tom Barringer on other mercenary missions. It's your classic, oh, hey, you just missed him.

Yeah, exactly. But doesn't he recruit, like, other mercenaries in that first movie to go undercover with him? No, but not all as substitute teachers. Like, one guy's like a cable guy or something. Someone's working for, like, the phone company. Louise Guzman is there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The dude who played Tucco on Breaking Bad,

Richard Raymond Cruz, whose character crosses over into this movie, but he does not. Oh, does it? Did they mention that Joey Six guy? Oh, that's not supposed to be. That's supposed to be Tucco. That's Tucco's character.

Oh, wow. Okay, that sucks. All right, hashtag, not my Tucco. Not at all. Okay, that I missed because it doesn't make sense because this guy looks a lot like Richard Edson to be quite honest. He's like a Z-grade Richard Edson.

That is the most disappointing news I've heard. All summer and fall? Yeah, that's the guy. You know what fuck that, dude. Well, actually, speaking of Breaking Bad, we open this movie with Ted Benicki getting killed. Oh, right. He's the brother who gets executed at the beginning of the movie.

Because it's, there's a car. I mean, like, this movie takes place in Seinfeld's New York where everyone's driving cars. Like, this high school is like Seinfeld High because everyone Well it's a little different. There's black people in this movie. Oh, that's true. That's not Seinfeld High. But it's like everyone's

driving to and from school. There's carjacking's are crazy all of a sudden. Well, this is the interesting thing about this movie and we were sort of talking about this off the air, but like this movie and all other movies like it. Well, all other movies like this movie, I should say,

it's always California. Yeah. But this movie for whatever reason is just set in Brooklyn. And it's like weird because all of those things like driving around the gang is always hiding as the auto body shop class which is what this movie is to

there's none of that going on here man like that's a Los Angeles or suburb thing I also think it was just like oh we're making the sequel how do you make it worse let's put them in more of a war so late 90s New York City New York City schools

oh I read the news substitute to I read the news. Ripped from the headlines. So this woman is getting carjacked. And Ted Benicki's, I guess, going home. He's just walking home. The grocery store?

Well, he's a teacher at the school. Okay. And he's walking home, you know, probably from like tutoring. Sure. Monitoring a light detention session. Maybe chaperoning a nice dance. Oh, that could be. A nice mid-afternoon dance.

He also just so happens to be a mercenary-turned teacher, as so many are. Listen, Steve, I don't know why you're like You don't want our veterans to have jobs When you get back First of all, mercenaries are not veterans Yeah, that's a good call I'm sure they are They just, they just stayed a little longer

Yeah Well, super seniors colon mercenaries Aren't mercenaries Generally like pretty loaded though Aren't mercenaries usually I mean they're always doing jobs for like 80,000 dollars Like how are you like

When you retire from being a mercenary How is it like you can't just retire you got to have a job. Gambling problem, probably. Oh, that might be. I'm sure the tax man's looking at. No, the mercenaries aren't paying taxes. I know, but the thing is, like, you got to look like you got a respectable job.

It's going to be on the book. I see. You know, you're, like, laying low. Right. So he shoves his fat nose into this fucking car. Like, dude, rule number one in New York, you keep walking. You see a car jacket? None of my business.

Yeah, no, that she's already dead. I'm sorry you're seeing this, but just keep going. Like, I will report a strange. bag left alone on the subway that's about as far as it'll report that carjacking from two blocks away oh sure i'll i'll run away and then call in some dude jerking off on the corner but i'm not going up to that dude like hey buddy quit jerking off over there i'm not even doing that i'm leaving a note what does it say someone was jerking off here that's not helpful that's just like saying oh there's air in the world there's somebody who's jerking off in new york city great thanks for

for the note. They do it all the time. Yeah, they do. People are jerking off left and right. On the trains, nonstop. So these two teens are carjacking this woman.

This guy's like, hey, buddy, hey, stop it. And then, like, get your damn hands off. And he's, like, doing the thing of, like, you don't have to do this.

You're going to throw your whole life away, which is fine. But then he grabs the gun and clearly gets shot in the chest like no less than 15 times. Yeah, there's, you know, there's also another huge mistake thrown in there.

He definitely says to the, to the, like, carjackers. Like, he lets them know that he knows their students from the high school. Big mistake. Like, what are you doing, calling these kids out? And then saying, like, they're throwing away their lives. Yeah. Like, no, dude, no.

It's just, if anything, it's a let the girl go situation. And that is that. But, yeah, grabbing the gun. Nobody needs to get hurt here kind of a deal. Yep. Which I wouldn't do. But sure, if you're a real hero. If you really have to play a hero, take it that far.

The real, real, real, um, The blame should probably sit on the woman because she runs away from her carjacking and then she gets shot for it. Yeah, that's true. That's sort of what starts everything because then the teacher makes a move. Yeah. To try to take these guys out. Yeah, she spooks him. You never want to look, somebody's got a gun on your hands up.

Let's just figure this out together. You know what I mean? Exactly right. So cut to that guy's funeral because he is just dead. This student, this high school student finishes this guy off too because it comes back. shoots him again. Yeah, it's like a shot and then the other kids like, what are you doing? You took this too far. We were just going to robber.

And he's like, oh yeah, well, fuck this guy. And it's like another four slugs in the chest. Well, he also says so long teach, which is just like, first of all, no one's called anyone teach since the days of Arthur Fonzarelli. You're not murdering a teacher in the street than calling him teach. What's his face wasn't calling Mr.

Hans teach at any point? Oh, Spicoli, maybe. Yeah, maybe, did Spicoli throw in a teach here and there? I'm not sure. I got to rewatch the adventures of Jeff Spicoli. I'm due for a fast time's rewatch. Or maybe, is Mark Harmon being called teach in summer school or not so much? Oh, that's a definite possibility.

I think chainsaw and the other guy might call him teach or something. That'd be a great opening to summer school, too, is Mark Harmon getting shot in the chest. Colin, schools out. That would be schools out because he's being laid in. a grave. And then Christy Ali has to put together the pieces. Oh, yeah. Wait, on the body? No, she has to like take down the gang.

She has to like reassemble to assure the EMS that this is a body. No, it's not just ground raw meat. It was a man. Wow, that is an assassination you're describing. It's like something from the exterminator in 1980.

So, yeah, cut to military funeral. Taps is going on. We're folding the And Treat Williams shows up just a little bit late. He's, dude, here's the thing. And, like, it's, it's a really loosely attended funeral. It's, his daughter who will meet, and this, this love interest who will also meet. And they're just kind of sad. And then Treat Williams is, like, coming up in the back and he has got a duffel bag.

Like, straight from the airport, Treat Williams. Are you kidding me? Do not bring luggage to my funeral. This is, this is my request to both of you. And anyone listening. Do not bring luggage to my funeral Like leave it outside the cemetery gate On the other side of the cemetery wall

Or just show up on time and leave it at the hotel Because here's the thing Travel shampoo should never enter a graveyard Steve, is it okay if I hide it behind your tombstone Like maybe if I get there a little early Yeah You know? Yeah Messenger bags too

You can't just like have you oh I want to read a book on the trade So I'm gonna have a messenger bag at your funeral How selfish are you? You got to think of me on the way home. Yeah, I would like some rumination. FYI, if any of us goes first, Chris Cabins bring in a messenger bag to our funeral. And a Diet Coke to boot.

You better at least pour some out of my soil, my fresh soil. One for podcasters fallen. Ashes to ashes, Dorita dust to Dorita dust. It's Spiritusanti and something in Klingon. Kalush Kalash. So he's late. He's got this luggage.

And then so he meets up with the niece and it's like, oh, I haven't seen you since before you developed into a woman, which is always fucking terribly awkward conversation. Sorry to derail here, but I had a great idea. And I think we should all do this. Yes. We should put our names in a hat. and whoever pulls it out pulls out the wrong thing has to do their funeral in Klingon

like a full Klingon funeral like so like draw on a short straw yeah draw the short straw it's like oh man funeral wow but what are like what are some of the traditions of a Klingon funeral?

I don't know because you can't you can't just have a Christian funeral in Klingon no it's probably like eating gross spaghetti whatever else they did there's definitely consuming live worms You might be cutting out my heart

and everybody has to eat a piece of it. That I think is kind of cool. But you're also being called a brave warrior, which is not too bad. Oh, that's true. It's also a lie. I mean, anyone's funeral there's a bunch of lies being thrown around.

It's true. I'm just saying God's watching. You might as well have a Klingon funeral. I would like Chris to have a Klingon funeral. Well, he's not here, so there it is. If you're listening, Chris. We've decided. Hey, Chris Kavan, FYI, when you go Klingon style,

maybe. My apologies to your mother in advance. They'll be startled when I show up in a dress uniform from the Cleon Empire. Oh, we're not doing this? Oh, man. So she's like, oh, you know, because you got to save it

for later, this little detail. Oh, yeah, you know, my dad was teaching me karate. And Treat Williams is like, oh, that's cool. Anyway, on with the movie. Well, no, it's hilarious. She's like, you know, you never call, you never write, you're never around, blah, blah, blah. And she's like, did you know he taught me karate?

And she gives him like a sidekick. And it's like, and he's like, yeah, whatever. So it's like he determines, you know, that his brother was murdered by someone at the school. So he's going to do the old substitute gag. Well, because again, he calls up Joey Six, who is this other guy, not Raymond Cruz. No, but he's familiar with the events from the first film. You think Joey Six is related to Tom Six by any chance, or not so much? The director of the human centipede movies?

Yeah, it's like maybe that's what he did after being a mercenary. Yeah, 50-50. Oh, you're saying Joey Six became Tom Six. Oh, that's entirely possible. That's entirely possible. He did, I bet some mercenary out there has made a human centipede. Oh, like a real one? Yeah.

Yeah, I guarantee you that's happened. Wait, I didn't see past that first one. Has anyone seen all of those movies? I've seen all three in theaters. And you know that. You just wanted me to admit it. Oh, I sure did. Oh, God.

That's disgusting. The second two are not watchable. That first one is not watchable. The first one looks like a master class in directing compared to the second two. So he was then, like, slowly becoming, like, Tom 5 and Tom 4. His directing powers were depleting. Now, is the centipede getting longer? Oh, yeah.

It's like 70 people. Yeah. Yeah, like it's always getting longer. And the second one, it's like a fantasy. It's like inspired by the events of the first one. It's some weird fat guy jerking off. And he's like, oh, that's awesome. Wait, so it was about the audience?

Yeah, it is kind of a fuck you. Oh, you like this movie, you idiot. Right. Because in the second one, is it true that like the movie Human Centipede exists? Yes. And it's someone like, the fat guy's like mimicking what he saw in the movie, basically. Fuck that. And then the third one, I think the movie's Human Centipede.

Both of them exist. And they're in outer Spain. Well, no, it's a weird southern prison that doesn't make any sense. Well, it's a comment on our prison industrial complex. That guy's a genius. So Joey Six comes to town, and it's that whole like, oh, man, haven't seen you since Nicaragua, or whatever the else missionary speak, they do. Not missionary. Well, I mean, if you were a missionary, you might not have seen somebody since Nicaragua.

We're talking mercenary. Oh, mercenaries. Excuse me. Missionaries and mercenaries. The ships that pass in the night. That's true. A lot of work for hire things. Why isn't that a movie?

I mean, maybe it is. Maybe like a mercenary goes to a missionary. Oh. Like maybe there's like... I feel like that could be the plot of a shitty Mel Gibson movie. Yeah. Like there's villagers that need killing for not respecting the Bibles. Oh, those villagers need kill it.

It's like, oh, you go to a village or missionary, you strike out. You're like, I don't know. if I get a mercenary here, put the fear of God in him. Exactly. It's Old Testament stuff. So Joey Six is like, oh, well, this thing that Tom Barringer did seem to work out, okay?

I guess you could do that. And I guess I'll be on your team. Cut to him like, oh, how's Tom Barringer doing? And this dude opens a wallet with pictures of Tom Barringer and his lady friend from the first movie. Publicity stills, we call those. Yeah, oh, without question. And like, Treat Williams is like, oh, you

always carry around other people's photographs in your wallet, which is a great point. They say that he's teaching in Costa Rica now. So what the hell is the teacher thing? It's like... It's happening.

Well, I think no, no, but I think that he's teaching like mercenaries at that point. Here's my hand-to-hand combat. What are the odds? You know what I mean? Like, it just so happens. The two mercenaries used to be friends and they both found their, the only way

to avenge their brother and or girlfriend was to propose as a substitute teacher in a public school and kill a bunch of kids and also kill somebody that's actually using the schools of front for a nefarious criminal organization. What are the odds? I would say

what are the odds to the nefarious criminal organization part? Because like Treat Williams is inspired by what Tom Berringer did. Oh, okay. It's not like he has the idea independent of it. I feel he's like, I heard that Berringer did that thing. Why don't I do that? Better Colin Berringer. What's

that a busy signal? Maybe I'll try Joey six. This is now turning into what human centipede two is. Maybe he watched the substitute one. And unlike human centipede two, we don't get a grosser looking Matt Little. We get a, we get Tree Williams. Who's a better looking Tom Berringer. That is right. Yeah, he's a handsomer Tom Barringer. That's for sure. And you can, you know what? When he speaks, you can understand him, which is great, nice and clear. I'm not big of a fan of that, though. What, understanding what Treat Williams says? Yeah, I kind of missed that Tom Berger.

No, but this is more like a, he's got like this Midwestern, like, creepy drawl. You ever see this movie? Oh, God, I can't think of the name of it. It's like Henry Portrait of a serial killer. Yes, I have. It's just Treat Williams trying to get like Laura Dern to go on a ride with him. And like, he's clearly going to rape and kill her. It's like, and like he's basically breaking into her.

It's like a home invasion. movie almost. Oh, this sounds vaguely familiar. I don't know that I've seen it, though. It's a terrifying treat Williams performance. Wow. Well, because he's, he is that subdued, like, I could blow at any second. And it's not like he's about to boil over. Like, it would be like flipping a light switch, and he would just become a mass murderer. Yeah, it's a secret Tom Berringer dad. Like, it's like a Tom Berringer dad you don't want to fuck with. So he's even more dangerous. Yes, exactly. I kind of like that. It's hidden in plain sight. So he goes to this lady that was

also having sex with his brother, goes over for dinner there in one of many dinner scenes. And it's like, hey, by the way, I want to avenge my brother. Could you, she's like, oh, are you a teacher? He's like, of sorts, which is like, yikes. But anytime anyone says of sorts, an answer to an honest question is a bit creepy to me. And in the instance of, are you a teacher, it's fired for dating a student. If the response is of sorts, of sorts, a.k.a. I slept. with a student and was fired.

Well, then she asks, oh, are you a karate teacher? And he says, oh, yes, on a much larger scale. Like what? Giant karate? Yes. I loved that line, sort of, but on a much larger scale. Global karate. I was just singing he's training in Cobra.

Oh, oh, my God, he might be working for Cobra. Mercenary, teaching karate, much larger scale. Much larger scale. Or at least I bet he's in New York City because he's on contract with the foot Klan. Oh, man. It's just passing through. Him and Sam Rockwell? Yeah. Dude, so

there's another iffy part of this whole situation at this dinner, which, yes, there are several dinner scenes because in these kinds of movies, it's important to sit down for a nice hot meal every now and again. Just collect your thoughts. Let the movie slow to a dead crawl. Yeah. Where he, like, he basically

lays out to her like, hey, so this is what I want to do to avenge my brother. I want to infiltrate the school that you work at. and pretend to be a substitute teacher. And she's like, oh, okay, great. And he starts going, like, so who's going to fill in for my brother? And she's like, they'll probably get a substitute. And he's like, well, you think I could be that substitute?

And she's like, well, we'd have to get you a teaching certificate. That would take a couple days. I was like a couple days. Isn't that a thing you have to, like, study for and pass exams for? I think this is another thing, like, in the first movie where they hacked the system. Well, they hack the system, yes. And you see that all play out. And part of Barringer's team, like, gets him.

him all those fake credentials where it's like, oh, you worked at the prestigious blah, blah, blah, and whatever. This one, they're like, ah, fuck it. We're just going to fill out of form. It'll take a couple days. What a downgrade. Cut to next day. He's still dressed. Again, he's dressed this entire time in like J.C. Penny

Edge, like, colon, the edge selection. Like, it's for mercenaries. Oh, nice. I like it. You know, it's a little baggier. Not necessarily because it's 98, but because it's like, he needs that mobility. Well, that's the thing. You've got to be able to whip a leg around really quickly

and you gotta have like some baggy is khakis you definitely have to have a corduroy jacket which he's wearing this entire movie like Bravo acing the substitute teacher uniform so he's this school is like it's not that bad

of a school but there's like an abandoned wing where they put all the bad kids like there's the high school where it's like eh like it's not that great it's just like an underfunded inner city high school kind of a thing but then there's another part that I think the wing is connected to like a haunted insane asylum

it's Arkham you think dude when he when he asks like where this room is like on day one they're like oh better get up and go through whatever and you know it's gonna take you while they get through security or something you're like what the fuck and he walks from it seemingly okay but shitty high school into like this hellscape where there's metal detectors and barbed wire it's night and day

And there's, like, graffiti on the wall for something? Wouldn't it be nicer if there's that much of security? Yes, there would be security there. Like, also, like, wouldn't the whole school need metal detectors? Why are some kids allowed to bring guns to school and others aren't? Well, that's the thing. You lost your privileges. The bad kids that are putting these, like, you know, put in this haunted wing or whatever

where the fucking frighteners took place. Like, they could go to the nicer part of the school with the guns and kill people. Yes. It doesn't. Oh, my God. It's so, like. There's like thunder crackling and someone's like screaming in the distance. It's really weird.

I think it might be the upside down. Oh, I see what's going on. Not Tom, but Tree Williams walked into like a tree vagina and came out into this scary version of high school. It's all cold for some reason. We've also kept B.D. Wong in this movie. I would call him Biceps D. Wong in this movie because he is jacked. He's so fucking. and jacked in this movie. He's lit up.

It's awesome. It's kind of funny to see B.D. Wong play a heavy, you know? Yeah, I mean, spoiler alert, he's the villain of the movie. Second build, by the way. Yeah, no, it's awesome. That's how bad this cast is. And he's posing as a good fellow. He's like a gym teacher or a shop

teacher or something. Shop and he's a coach and... Oh, that's right, he's the soccer coach. That's why he's just constantly wearing that whistle. Just in case things get out of hand. Just in case a soccer practice breaks out. And, like, he's telling Trude Williams to be, like, like, oh, don't get discouraged. Don't listen to these broken men who are, like, the other teachers in the school that just, like, hate the students.

It's your classic bad school teachers, what do you call their teachers' lounge situation. The teacher's lounge scenes where it's like, again, there's someone who's always sleeping. There's a person who's crying. Someone's putting liquor into coffee. Everyone's smoking. The bug guy, one of the bug guys from Silence of the Lambs is there. Paul Azar. I gave him a ride home.

one time. Oh really? Dude, so Paul Azar. Was he hitching? No, this is great. Paul Azar. He came to where I work to do a screening of And he was never seen again. Yeah, I killed him. You put him bug in his mouth. Because he's

in Bong Joon Ho's The Train movie. Oh, Snowpiercer. Yeah, he's in Snowpiercer. I was like, click, click, click, train. He's also in he's also in the host, Bong Joon Ho's the So we had a screening of the train movie, and he came up for it, Snowpiercer. It's a great movie.

With some other people, like, Bon Joon Ho was there and, like, did a Q&A. And then afterwards, it was like, oh, he had just missed a train. And I was like, I'll give you a ride back to the city, Paul Azar. And he was like, cool. Can you hook me up with like this train line? I was like, yep, I drove him to a subway style. That's cool. He's a very nice man.

That's very nice. In this movie, he's playing a teacher that has given up on everything except making fun of the dead. Yeah, he's really having a lot of fun at Ted Benedict's expense. He is talking shit about this guy calling him stupid for like caring about the kids, trying to make a difference. You see what it got him? Yeah. And then he starts awkwardly doing like the like finger gunning everyone,

all these depressed teachers at this table. I would have thought like this guy would come back because he's like a known actor and like maybe he gets killed or something. I don't know. Yeah, more than one scene of Paul Azar, preferably him getting thrown out a window for words earlier in the film. But he doesn't. So we get Treat Williams' teacher.

And it's always a weird thing in these movies where, and this happens in the substitute as well, like, what kind of class structure is this? Because he only teaches history to nine kids. Right. Eight minutes a day is what it seems to be. And shock of all shocks, it always somehow manages to wiggle its way back to Vietnam.

Yeah, it's just no matter what we're, dude, we're talking about the revolutioner. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Vietnam. Yeah, you know what, Vietnam was a revolution for America, too. Let's talk about that instead. You're just like, okay. There are certain people of that generation. That's all they want to talk about.

But there's no, like, hey, let's open our chapter to our textbooks to unit number one. Like, what were you studying before your teacher was murder? I'm not just going to come in and casually give you firsthand accounts of Vietnam. That's not actually helpful. But you know what? It's on the regions. Listen, he doesn't give a shit. You know what I mean?

Like, he's there to find out who killed his brother. Sure. The most history he can talk about is Vietnam. It's the history he made. Exactly. No, it's the same thing with Tom Berringer. That's why Tom Berringer is also talking about Vietnam in that movie. So he comes in, he's got a yo-yo, a metal yo-yo, by the way.

There's a bunch of kids in there. You know, there's one dude I did recognize from. the wire, the dude who played DeAngelo Barksdale. Yes, he's in this. He's the kid that like almost makes it in this movie and then gets murdered. No, he does make it. He makes it to the end of the movie. Oh, okay. He's the one that at the end

says to treat Williams like you look like you could need a vacation or like whatever that line is. You know, and it's like, oh, you're not going to murder me, okay. There is the person with the most uncomfortable death in American History X is in this movie. That's fun. The dude who gets

curbstoms? Oh, geez. Here's my question. Was that invented by that movie? I don't know. And then the real crimes are, it's like the human centipede. Well, no, I didn't know. Have people been curbstomped? Is that a thing that happens?

American History Act did not invent curbstomp. Oh, I see. I don't think. To you, thousands and thousands. Wow. Okay. Across the globe, are you kidding me? Okay.

I bet that movie wasn't the first instance where someone put their brittle teeth on a sidewalk. Oh, you can just hear it can. You just think about it. You can just hear it. The only thing that that movie does well is the sound design of when his teeth go on the sidewalk brick and you can hear it. God. Oh, it's horrified just thinking about it. That movie sucks, by the way.

There are people that will tell you that that movie's good. No, thank you. It's all right. It's a cautionary tale, Andrew. Don't get involved in that. First of all, any movie with Elliot Gould gets an instant two stars. That's A number one. Those scenes are great.

but the thing is like since we've started talking about it there's probably been someone current oh is that happening that often if you think about the population and the ratios and we should the way the world is going we might as well start outlawing doc martins then huh we should so yeah this teaching thing you know it's and it's the same in every single one of these movies this is the obligatory like i'm going to pretend that i'm talking about nothing but then like surprise them with a bit of something to let them know I'm not fucking around. Yes. Because he's got this

yo-yo and he's doing all these tricks and he's talking about Vietnam while like swinging this yo-yo around and whatever. And then he's like, yeah, what does it look like? It's just a toy. Except when a toy isn't a toy, it used to be used as a weapon in the

15th century or whatever and fucking 15th century. I don't know what he says. He's in the Philippines, but I don't know Oh, Philippine. Oh, that's what it is. Yeah. Same difference. I'm just picturing like knights in armor running at each other with yo-yo. And he flicks this yo-yo at this kid who's drinking like a 40 filled with orange soda. Sure.

And this glass just shatters all over this kid. Like mercenary substitute teacher or not, someone's getting a call about that. Yeah, of course. Glass went into my student's eyeball today. He assaulted me with a yo-yo. Goodbye, sir. You know, the funny thing is like I thought I hadn't seen this movie. And I was like, oh, no, I never saw that movie, you know?

And then I saw this scene and I was like, wait a second. You mean the scene that made me want a yo-yo? Did you buy a yo-yo after you rented, most definitely, this movie? No, I couldn't find the right one. First of all, this movie's been on Cinemax. So let's not call a shit or a shitter here. Well, that's true. I'm just saying when was the first time you saw this movie?

I must have been on cinema. I'm implying you must have been a child because it made you want to own a yo-yo. Yes, I was a very young child. Adults with yo-yo's, by the way, pack it up. Fucking put it away. It's time to grow up. Why don't you pay taxes like everybody else? You can't pay taxes if you have yo-yo?

No, because children don't pay taxes. But it could be a weapon. You haven't learned from the movie. Where are you finding a metallic yo-yo, though? I feel like that's an invention of the film. I don't know. Just like curb stomping was invented by American History X. That's my understanding of it.

It's just the first time. that you were exposed to it. Right. And human centipedes were invented by the movie. That's actually true, I think. That was invented by from the genius mind of Tom Six. The thing is, I'm thinking I'm thinking it was around before.

Oh, you think there's a couple of humans. Maybe back in the 15th century. Yo-yo's and human centipedes roamed the earth. Everything you could think of has been done. Sure. So then he decides he's going to do some undercover work with Joey Six. And it's like the middle of the night

We're going to follow this gang This is another weird thing With mercenaries in these movies There's like the main mercenary Who's out for revenge And then whatever team he creates He's like And by the way I'm gonna tell you up front Joey

There's no pay in any of this And it's like this dude's just doing it For the guts and the glory Or just to kill children Because that's what I mean literally Yeah it's fun to say That they're teenagers and they are But they're just children

So you're just running around A lot of these actors They definitely make a point to say at one moment in the film like yeah these guys clearly aren't high school students. Yeah but also that's the other thing too. These people are in a gang

that kills people, steals cars, et cetera, et cetera. Why are you going to high school anymore? You know what, let's get up the front. It's the same thing like in the principal. Uh-huh. They're dealing drugs from within the school so they're pretending to be students. Much like this is like you're pretending

to be a member of that auto body's class. Right. So you can be stealing cars. At least the first movie had like the mercenaries had promise of actual money because there was like serious money going around. Yeah, yeah. Right, right, right. And

what else happens in that movie? In the, in what? Oh, they have a bad mercenary to go up against jail. Oh, right. There's a dude who's crooked in the movie. Yeah, so it's like, come on. This movie could have used that. Yes. Well, there's so many mercenaries in this movie because not only is his brother a mercenary, he's a mercenary.

B.D. Wong's also a mercenary. Oh, that's right. They find out he's ex-Green Beret. How many of these people are walking around among us? There are more than you think. Okay. I'd say you'd pass like three a day. If you're a mercenary right into the We All Hate Movies mailbag, please. Yes, please. Secret mercenary. That's like a thing I listened to the other day on a podcast that said that statistically there's like two million psychopaths in the United States of America.

Can you believe that? Yeah, I'm surprised it's not more. No, Eric, I'm saying, like, right now, someone in your condo complex is a psychopath. You're looking at him. So, uh, he does, yeah, he, this midnight raid that he does. Because he's doing this like, um, back and forth with, uh, Joey six wherein, Joey six is doing all the research. May I, may I remind everyone. Putting up all the cash too, getting all these guns together. Basically, there was a guy that witnessed his brother's murder that the, uh, a leader of this.

gang who is played by guru as little B. Oh, guru, of course. And so he's got this guy held up by a string and he's like shooting he's erected a batting cage apparatus.

Yes, the thing that throws the balls in a batting cage and it's hit this dude in the chest. I think this dude is someone who works like security at the school, I think, is the thing, like one of the security guards. So it's like, oh, we heard you were going to the cops and we're doing this thing and then Joey 6 because again like treat Williams has to keep his uh cover as a substitute as a

substitute down so Joey 6 goes down there and like there's like some fun laser pointer action yeah like treat Williams one he starts sniping a couple people to like get the point across like some shoulder and thigh hits and then he like sets up this apparatus to make it look like there's multiple guns it's just all these like laser sights on one tripod kind of a thing if you know who killed your brother and that's the whole point lock the door and blow it up done but I think he's looking for proof though oh really well because we find

out the killer's not in that gang we find out a lot of things yeah no a lot of things you know Steve it's funny a lot of things uh are perfectly timed to great surprise reveals in this movie there's a lot of a lot of twists and turns in the substitute too oh wow it's almost like it's

a good movie wait no well it's not like an M-night shaman movie oh shit yeah a lot of bad twists uh yeah so like they let this dude go he kind of shoot some of these guys but that's like the end of it he just gets the point across that like there's someone in the rafters who's after you there's a punisher out to come and get you essentially and so yeah he's basically like dating this one woman treat williams is and like every time they're about to get down joey six is like hey we've got more reconnaissance to do well he's like hey remember what you came here for not for nothing

also he's like sleeping with his dead brother's girlfriend i believe is the situation and not raising his daughter that's the other thing too like if he's like barely paying attention to this girl who's like in real is he your legal guardian what's going on what the situation is she does have a line where she says that she inherited the house and i'm like oh it's like a 16 year old girl lives alone in this house or is she like 18 and about to graduate i don't that's entirely possible that might be yeah i really i mean i need to know the legalities of this stuff though they really need to take me they should

he should show up with luggage at like the reading of the will he just has luggage everywhere that he's got to be ready to go you never know you never know when the president's going to call hey there treat williams oh man we got a big mess in Brooklyn we need to

get you down to wait how many so how many of my mercenaries are substitute teachers right now I need someone to go to Kosovo, motherfuck. How many of y'all retired? Hillary, what is the retirement package for these men? I'm going to let these mercenaries write my crime bill.

So the next day of the classroom nonsense is the better of the two. The yo-yo's fine, but this is great because he comes in. There's a dude again just blaring this boom box. This dude Eugene Bird, who You've seen him in a bunch of stuff. He's in famously Anacondas 2, The Blood Orchid. Oh, is he really?

Famously? Famously? Yeah, he's also in like 8 Mile and a Dead Man and all that. A lot of stuff. Dead Man. Dead Man. Jim Jarmish's Snoose Fest. I love that movie.

Dead Man's a great movie. What are you talking about? I fell asleep so many times. I've heard people sleeping during that. But it is, it's a movie I really love. Okay. Yeah, so he's like got this boom box and he's blaring it and Treat Williams is like, He does the whole, like, we're trying to start class kind of a thing.

And he picks up this dude's boombox and throws it out the window. Well, he does this whole elliptical metaphor. He's like, we're at an impasse. And when you're at an impasse, there's the part where the greater force is going to. He just chucked this dude's fucking boon fog. It's like, blah, blah, blah. I'm going to fucking break your boombox, motherfucker. Yeah, no, it's a really great dickhead move that he pulls.

And this dude, like, freaks out. And then, like, he comes at him with a knife. And Treat Williams is doing the whole, like, lecturing while getting, like, almost stabbed, but you know he's not gonna, because he's a mercenary, and this is a stupid kid. So here's the, I just realized it right now, because the difference between Tom Berringer and Treat Williams' character, Shale, and whatever

this guy's name is. Thomason, Carl Thomason. Thomason is like, Tom Barringer famously, oh, my God, I'm going to kill him. Like, it's a seething rage that, like, can he barely keep down? It's like you see it on his face and waves. But like, Treat Williams is more terrifying because he just woke up, like,

set up stiff as a board one night, and he's like, oh my God, I can kill every buddy and like that's it and like that's his zero is like at any second it's just going to happen oh you want to cut me off in traffic huh I'm going to burn your fucking house down

that is really it oh iced coffee with a little too much milk and I said a little bit someone's not going to have kneecaps by the end of the day buddy yeah he's kind of unhinged it's really chilling because like Tom Barringer as you were saying like kind of like hurrah and he like

slowly morphs into like his murderous rage And this guy's just that at a constant. Calm as a cucumber. So he throws it out the window. And then this kind of spurs on. And again, like, if some teacher is giving you a guff at school, who gives this shit? You're a gang member. You've got all sorts of money coming.

You also are doing an illegal operation at this school. So don't make waves. But what they do is they bring the whole gang into the bathroom. Oh, yeah. One student fakes like a tummy ape. And then Trey Williams is like, oh, say, he's been in that bathroom a mighty long time. Let me go see what's going on. And like these dudes jump him in the bathroom.

They sneak into Arkham, basically. He goes to the bathroom, lets all these dudes and like six guys. And they jump. With weapons, by the way, which is silly. No. And bring a baseball bat. They definitely do the old, like, we're going to get him one at a time kind of a thing. Like each dude, one at a time comes out of a bathroom stall, like a bad video game.

Right. And it is, it is Arkham. So the calendar man is there? It's very weird. And he's just like breaking arms and stuff. And this is when the janitor, another mercenary turned school administrator. Well, let's not give the janitor too much credit. School administrator. He's administrating the toilets. He does a great job. Well, no, he does a bad job because the place looks like hell.

But apparently, apparently, he's a tunnel rat. Yeah, well, this is really, this is really, really stupid. Because he just walks in through a vent in the wall, like a small vent in the wall. It's my favorite shot in the movie. Like, the camera's facing Treat Williams, and he's like, right, because he just took out all these guys. Just beat all these tuffs. And, like, you're seeing all the dudes, like, in the background, they're out of focus. They're all, like, you know, falling on the floor or already dead or whatever.

And then, like, like, a horror movie almost behind Treat Williams, this great just opens. and you're like, what? And how does Drew Williams keep his cool and not, like, throw a dagger at this guy's heart? Like, come on, man. Yeah, nice try. Exactly.

That dude should have got, like, a tossed Swiss Army knife right in the eyeball. Yeah, and then he just tosses his back of the vent, seals it up, and he just, the school smells like rotting flesh for it. Well, that's a weird thing in this movie because, so, like, basically what happens is this dude slinks out, and he's like,

hi, I'm the janitor, I crawl through all the vents. I'm always in the vents. And he says, like, you know, you'd be surprised at the things you can hear when you're slinking around the vents in this school. Oh, yeah, that's really creepy. You're all right, Porky's the revenge.

First of all, he was, yeah, he was hiding in a wall listening in to the bathroom. Yep, uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah, no, this dude was jerking off and was like, hey, a fight starting. But what's hilarious about this is this janitor, then, like, he sells Treat Williams, and crawling around in this building, and they pull all of these bodies into the, the vent with them. Yeah.

So that when the kid comes back in, he's like, where is the gang and where's the teacher that they were going to kill? There's literally no one in this bathroom. Yeah. But then it's never addressed what they did with the bodies. No, it is. Is it? Yeah.

Like, did they throw him in the boiler? Yeah. Definitely. They burned him in the furnace. No. Later on, he's like, oh, let me show you my weird hidey hole, weird shit because I'm the janitor. Shit, does he have victims in there?

Well, no. He's like, oh, and by the way. People chained up. I call. He's like, yeah, all those. unconscious guys, I called the boys in blue and they took them right away. I'm like, in a world without

Batman, you just can't hand six unconscious people to the cops and be like, by the way, I took care of it for you. Just don't ask any questions whatsoever. It's like picking up garbage. Yeah, like making an appointment for trash to be

taking away. Again, the ninja turtles can do that because they're fake turtles in a fictional universe. But like a real, you had the cops at unconscious person. They're going to have a couple of questions for you. I think the garbage bag is probably where we were you mentioned. They probably cut these

men up and threw him in garbage bags. Yeah, that's actually true. He says he turned him over to the Boys and Blue. He doesn't say in what condition they're in. And he doesn't say what, you know, I left a note. I don't know. The garbage men were probably had blue jumpsuits on. Yeah, I left him to the Boys in Blue. I also brutally

stabbed them to death like the night of. In case you're wondering, yes, I am the Zodiac. I am a ex-mercernary turned school employee And I'm also the Zodiac killer Timeline checks out by the way Absolutely because he's a nom He's in the NAM

Right now he's fleeing from his Zodiac crimes To the East Coast Yes which makes perfect sense Yeah And he's got all these like military memorabilia down there He's got a- Yeah he's showing Treat Williams's hideout And he definitely has a creepy line too He's like you know what's funny

I used to be The only person that ever came down here, it's just me and now you. Oh, God. Yeah, Treat Williams is like nodding politely. It's like, you know, that is fascinating. And you'll sleep in this corner. But Drew Williams is never nervous because he's like, yo, I could just rip this guy's trache out right now, motherfucker. That's actually true.

He doesn't give a shit. He knows that that dude is not a threat. A cool zero all the way. So, um, the- Wait, question. Sorry. No, please. Because this hideout, it had me wondering,

is this janitor indeed living in the bowels of this school? Yeah, I think he is. I think he puts his mother's apartment on like the school records. But it's like, yeah, but that's where I live every day. Blah, blah, blah, blah. It's like Cab Calloway and the Blues Brothers. It's living in the bottom of that nunnery for some unknown reason. Free rents, free rent, man.

I don't know if you're not picky. If you got a cot and like brown wall. Why not? So, yeah, he makes fun of this janitor. The niece at this point is kind of harassed by the gang. Yeah, and she's also got a boyfriend. Oh, right, this little kid. They're making out at home at one scene.

Oh, yeah, let's talk about that. And guest director, Larry Clark shows up. Like, it's just... There's a couple different makeout sessions. The one at her place doesn't get as saucy as the one at his place. No, that's true. And, like, so now we're, like, getting down. and like I'm sitting here like

all right so this like teenage girls got her shirt off and I thought this was a movie about an ex-mercenary who pretends to be a substitute teacher for some reason this scene probably shouldn't be this movie you know what you're probably right

Andrew you know the substitute two schools out does not need teen sex and it's that it's that like first base or above in the substitute two schools out that's my guess also because we're going to do transparent Transparen't Brzears. And we're talking about

like first time situation. This dude's going for it. This dude comes out of the wall. I heard something. And she's just like... All the vents are connected. I could get through the whole city from here. I'm with ventman.

With my friend the Ninja Turtles. Here's a question. Where are the Chud's in this situation? That's a great question. And to that I'd say the film Chud takes place. in lower Manhattan and higher. I don't know that the Chud experiment made it to Brooklyn. Okay.

I think it's the situation. All right. So just like, oh, no. I think Tree Williams versus Chud's a movie I want. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but, you know, 10 years from now, the Chudds will be priced out of Manhattan. Oh, I know.

They'll make their way there because the Ninja Turtles took over their apartments. So, yeah, I mean, like, really, Chuds are living in Jersey City at circa 2016. Guaranteed. Yeah. As is Daniel Stern's character Who's with him By the way, I saw a report

That Chud's getting a Blu-ray release Commentary with the director John Hurd, Daniel Stern, and the dude who played Bosch. I heard Bud the Chud's coming out on something too. Oh, really? Yeah.

Yeah, a garbage can. Well, yeah, I think it's a four-pack. Dude, it's a real Chud Renaissance, though. The Chudence. I'm still itching for Criterion collection to put it out. That's not going to happen. So while these teens are almost having sex,

there's a great shot of a Super Nintendo Super Scope on the table. Oh, I miss that. Dude, it's ridiculous. Because what happens is, she says to the kid, like, listen, I want to have sex with you. I'm just like not ready, like not now. And he's like, fine, I'm going to go take a shower. And so she goes to, like, put this comically large stack of condoms, like, back in a drawer.

and finds like her uncle or no it's her father her father's mercenary badge well the funny thing about the stack of condoms is like I guess that's a very teed thing is like oh man I'm going to impress her with my large stack of condoms oh totally yeah this will be stacked sky high that'll look really fucking cool yeah look at all the sex I'm not having so she finds it and he comes out wearing jingo jeans with racing stripes on there

which are pretty sharp. Absolutely. And there's definitely a chain wallet situation. Of course there would be. And fucking follow the leader, motherfucker. They wind up fight. Like she's like,

oh, you, you fucked my dad, you want to fuck me? And I'm like, well, it's a, you know what? That's a bad line of dialogue.

Yeah. But, and that is like, wow, how crazy do you got to be, right? You're going to kill the father and, yeah,

that's like, that's Bundy shit right there. But this is the whole, thing, the whole reason for this whole horseshit thing is this kid got this fancy sports car and to pay

off the car he's framing the gang because he's not in this gang of like the backwards hoodie wearing guys. Oh right. It's like opposing as them. Yeah or something or this plot point is whispered in another room and is never really

fully addressed and it's what the whole movie is about. This is the guy that treat Williams is looking to find, and he never crosses paths with him. He's not even at one scene. And he's a paper thin wall away while while they're making out

at one point. So they're there. It's there. He's under his roof. He can hear the lip smacking. And that's it. And he's like, he's just like, that's just kids for you. By the way, Waltry Williams starts living in this house.

Uh-huh. This is for you. Next time you're going to watch this in 50 years you spot spot stuff in the background there is a lot of booze starting to show up in the background oh really like there's all these bottles on the table and i'm like wait what why well you know he needs like whiskey for his bum shoulder dark rum for his memories oh wow it's like a cook he's got like a coction he cooks up yes forgetty juice in order to stay normal and chipper while he kills Yes, exactly

You think he's going to class sober? I don't think so Let me talk to you about nom and yo-yo's Like yeah, this guy's fucking wasted Like, nice try, treat Williams Luckily enough, no one cares About this abandoned wing Of this high school

Oh man, what if they were all ghosts? What if they were all ghosts? Oh, that's great. Wait, but so when you say all, who is the person that's a human? just treat williams like he's like oh i'm going to substitute teach this one class but it's all ghosts oh the the class is all ghosts so like that girlfriend would be uh real yeah otherwise he's having intercourse with a ghost that's that's ghost buster that's that's dan ackro territory you don't want to

get in well mcgruber did it pretty well uh so then at the same time all this is going down the lady friend is confronted by bd wong because treat williams is like hey i kind of suspect bd wong's the actual bad guy in this movie he's second billed he hasn't said anything in this movie he's got to be the bad guy right he definitely makes a speech when they first meet about how like the brother was like the only teacher in this school that gave a dad and he was a great man and blah blah blah so that's all a thing so yeah she's asking too many questions bd wang reveals himself to be the bad guy of this this movie kind of works like a dream a little bit because you're like wait i thought we were going after the killer oh wait and then at the end he's fighting bd wong and i'm like what happened

Yeah, no, it makes no sense. But then so all of a sudden he's like crooked and he attacks this woman in this and this woman's on the take by the way. Her apartment has stairs. Oh, a teacher on the take. How does that work? She might be, she might be have another, she might be another mercenary running another scam in this school. See, that would be great if like, she's inevitably murdered in this scene. But like, like, like, he like pops her like two in the stomach with a silence pistol and then like her mercenary badge falls out.

And someone else steals that one? That'd be great. The principal calls it all hands assembly. And it's like, all right, how many of you are actually mercenaries right now running different scams? Some guy accidentally walks in with a ninja outfit on. Oh, shit. Because he's been like Mr. Downfiring, running back and forth. Mrs. Doutfiring.

Well, no, he would be Mr. Downfired, the ninja. The ninja geology teacher. Oh, I was married to a ninja. Yeah. He's pretending to be an elderly British woman teaching this, and then he changes into a ninja. Wow, that's some deep cover. I think it would be every teacher's a mercenary at that school except for Paul Lazar. Yeah, that would be, that's about right.

That'd be great, like a scene of him really shocked at all, like everyone's a mercenary. Oh, sure, that'd be great. And they'll turn around, like, how do you live off your salary? This is just like, and he's like, that's what everybody does, right? Everybody has a one bedroom in Queens. Like, no, no, no. I have a mansion. I live quite comfortably.

I live in Manhattan with the chuds. Chud roommate. Oh, God. That's a Craigslist nightmare. Yeah, so then, like, she's murdered. Treat Williams comes in, like, just not in the nick of time. Beiddywag evades Biggie's because he's just a little too tiny. Like, he goes in.

There's, like, a little broom closet. He goes, and he just. hiding behind it it's so funny because he's like walking out and they're walking in i i don't know why they're going to this woman's house though i don't know what report was given she's like oh i have the goods on bd wang i have this file for you oh but then so how does bd ywon find out what's going i don't know he just maybe he's got google alert set up on himself like a 1998 google alert i like me a netscape alert yes someone tried to netscape query me my geocities page has one more view.

He's looking at that Geo City's page scrolling down to the bottom to see the counter. Yeah, oh, the ticker down there, man. Website tickers, Bravo. Yeah, so that's what he's doing. And basically, this is kind of setting up the end of the movie. This kid, the kid, by the way, who kills

his brother, just kind of get side kicked into the closet, which is pretty dope because her father was teaching her karate. Which we learned, and that's the end of that chapter. Like, he just has to fix his closet he gets away with murder-free. Nobody addresses the fact that that dude took a life and Treat Williams doesn't succeed in his mission in finding out who killed his brother.

So she's like now telling Treat Williams as Treat Williams has like this lady's blood all over her. By the, oh yeah. By the way, Beattie Wong isn't wearing gloves. Like just turn him into the police. You know what I mean? Like that's the easy move here. Yeah. Like this guy, this guy murdered this lady. Like that's end of story. You see him like lazily wiping his hands on something. Nice try, dude. Yeah, no, he's all over that apartment. So she's sitting on the steps, and it's a blown line opportunity from Treat Williams here. She's like, you know, oh my God, this kid that I was in love with killed my dad.

I just, when is this going to end? And it's all been set up. All he needs to say is it ends tonight. And any time you get a chance to say it ends tonight. Oh, sure. But he just says, it's going to end soon. And he goes really soon. Which sucks because the fact that he doesn't say tonight, he says,

soon makes me pause the Amazon stream to see how much of this is movie. Wait, what do you mean by soon, Treat William? How soon is soon, Treat Williams? I want to go to bed. It's a real cloudy answer you just gave. So we get the gang now

because Bidi Wong is like I'm tired of this guy. I'm going to set the gang out on him. Right. And Bidu sends the gang to the school and Treat Williams, Joey 6 and the janitor creep jerk off guy is the tunneler.

The tunneler. They all kind of get... It's the end of the substitute one again at a different school. Also the end of the principal. Yeah. And there's some good shooting in here. Oh, it's a school under siege situation like all these movies have. And I mean, people get blown to high hell.

Guru bites it. Sorry, guru fans. Sorry, guru who might be listening. Please contribute to the Patreon guru. Oh, Guru doesn't have that kind of money. Well, let's thank Guru anyway. Yeah, yeah. Thanks to Guru for listening.

He's doing okay. Yeah, so he's dead. Endless amount of gang members are just murdered in various ways. The tunnel guy has knockout gas. Like, he's the penguin. Like, what are we talking about? Well, because that's his whole thing is he's like fully equipped. If someone is too pretty in the bathroom late at night.

Oh, yeah. They get the knockout gas. Yeah, that's true. That's a bit. creepy. Yeah, well, it sure is. A good old-fashioned grenade doesn't creep me out. It scares me, but a knockout gas gets me a little nervous.

Yeah, exactly right. He's ever been molested because of a grenade. Why do you have this dental chair down here? He has some weird line, too, where he says, like, he's been working on this, like, military paraphernalia collection for 20 years or something like that. He's kind of like the guy in falling down. Give it to me. Give it to me. Oh, well, that guy's got a whole wholesale store, though. What's this doing in there?

Luckily, this guy's African-American and not a Nazi, so that, you know, Edge to them is not going to team up with a Nazi. You know, the black Gestapo? You never know. That was a movie in the 70s. Well, you don't see any Nazi flags like the guy in a falling down. I feel like when you walk into this dude's basement hideout, there would be a big fucking, swastika flag

front and center this is my collection I'm a war collector eight out of ten war collectors you know you know yeah big time oh this is a really cool knife I want to show you oh awesome

it's got a swastika on it it was used it was actually used what else is in this pantry that has a think about it it was used I just like the hiss The history. Oh, yeah, exactly. The historical accuracy of it.

Oh, what a shock. There's a secret door in your house. Exactly. Get a load of this secret door. Check out this knob. It was used. It was actually used. Oh, it's just toilet.

You know what happened there? Think about it. It was used back by the Nazis. Millions of times. Millions of them. Hitler's toilet. Oh, la, la, la. He took shits every day.

Think about it. Think about how many shits? Oh, man, all that bratwurst? Oh, coming out the wrong way, right? Oh, yeah. Hey, you want to use the twelf for a while? I don't have to be here when you do it. I got a camera.

So you're good. Just maybe think about donating five bucks, though. Keep this collection flourishing. Oh, you support me on Patreon. Man, that is half a Patreon. so please support the good half Patreon.com slash we hate movies so then it's down to

a bare knuckle fight between Treat Williams and Beattie Wong this thing's awesome here's the fucked up thing so they blow they kill like nine to ten children the night before right and then the next day the school opens as normal

and shop classes going on insane no no incorrect and like Beattie Wong's like Oh, what are you doing here? Unless that janitor is really good, actually clean the whole school, put all those kids in tubs of lie in the basement. Oh, yeah.

Oh, wait a second. The school siege happens, and then it's the next day he gets in the five. It's during school hours. What is he doing in the off time? I mean, I guess going to sleep, having a nice breakfast. He's not going home and fucking that teacher

because she was murdered. That's true. Oh, maybe he's arranging that funeral, though. Yeah, I'm trying to figure out the best way to get his suitcase into the cemetery. Well, I do have another appointment after this latest funeral, so I want to have as much baggage on me. I'm going to bring my lunch as well. Look, I always get tied up at security.

The cab is taking me straight to the airport the second the coffin starts lowering into the ground. Oh, I better lay out my best flannel for this. Because he does not wear a tie to his brother's funeral. Another thing. No, no. Another thing, dude. Thanks, but no thanks. It's a very casual funeral.

Yes. So, it's the next day. The school is not under investigation or anything, blah, blah, blah. Well, there are no, and this is New York fucking city, Brooklyn in the 90s. It's Giuliani era. There's police everywhere. There is police officers on every corner for getting about 9-11. Dude, you know.

Where are the police in this movie? The weird thing is, I just let the schools run. I know there's so many mercenaries running those schools. I can't be bothered. Now we're some of these Times Square process. could become mercenary. Maybe we'd finally start cleaning the city up a bit. And I know what? What a fucking piece of shit little man he is.

Lord. But seriously, though, this school is not under siege with detectives and officers everywhere. Grenades were used last night. Knockout gas is like staining the walls. There's blood everywhere. There might be a Nazi flag in the basement. A middling rapper. was killed here last night. Guru was dead, everybody. At very least, people were walking by fresh bullet holes in the walls, and no one's doing anything about it. This wasn't here last time English class met.

So it's Beattie Wong carrying on business as usual, even though half his gang is dead. And he's just like, well, I got to go to work. I'm out of personal days. Got to teach these kids how to make wall sconces for candle holders. So Treat Williams interrupts him in the middle of class. and he's like, you know, this ends now, blah, blah, blah. And a pretty cool fight happens. Pretty good, damn fight, man.

The problem, though, is that Beattie Wong is so, so tiny. You know, the very little man, and Tree Williams is big and beefy. Yeah, it's a real slug fest, though. We're using a lot of tools we get, which is awesome. My lord, Trit Williams uses a muffler on this guy's face. It's pretty great. A muffler. He burns him with a naked light bulb, and his eye, that's pretty.

pretty cool. There's like some fun little makeup effects which I appreciate. B.D. Wong at one point definitely makes a blow torch. Yes. Biddywan the blow torch. Blow torch D. Wong, which I like. They throw them into a windshield. Oh, there's a couple of windshield hits in this, which is great too.

So at the end of this, and all of these students, we go out to the recess area, a crowd has formed and Trey Williams stabs him with this like enormous screwdriver right in the heart. He kills him with a fucking vampire. Oh, yeah. It'd be great to be turned to dust, that'd be fun. That would be pretty

great. Wow, yeah. That'll be a nice twist for the substitute to it. Set up Substitute 3 when they go to Transylvania. Yeah, Transylvania Exchange Program. Yeah. My brother was killed by vampires. I'm going to pose the substitute teacher in Transylvania. Dude, mercenaries versus vampires.

That's a movie. We're on to something. I'm sure that's got to be some shitty directive. Everything you could imagine has been done. I wanted to see that. I never saw that movie dog soldiers. That's supposed to be pretty cool. I saw that. Mercenaries versus where Werewolves, right? Yeah, and I think maybe some mercenaries are werewolves.

Oh, that's cool. I mean, it's all right. That's directed by somebody who did something better than that movie. I think that he did that movie. Is it the dissent? I don't know. But he also, he did, what's that movie with Malcolm McDowell that's sort of trying to be Mad Max-ish? Malcolm McDowell movie that's trying to be Mad Max.

He's like the villain and it's a female lead. Who's that? Oh, is it, Ten Girl? I'm pretty sure he's the... God damn. Oh, Neil Marshall, who he did direct... The Descent. Oh, you're thinking of Doomsday.

Yes, who starred in Doomsday? Neil Marshall's... So, I think maybe the main character. Oh, she's from Underworld, maybe. Oh, I have no idea. Oh, my God. Rona Mitra. Oh, really?

Yeah, she's kind of nobody, yeah. TV show. who's big on Boston legal for 20 episodes. All right. So, Beattie Wong gets stabbed in the heart in the middle of recess, right? And he goes, and turns into a skeleton. But the janitor has the balls to turn around to all these kids together and say, all right, shows over folks. Oh, you go back to class, too. And they do. They go, they walk single file. A man is dead on the sidewalk.

You know what, FYI, the show's just getting started. Thanks so much This show is Will go on Because that dude is I'm looking at a dead body Right now pal And he BD Wong's doing a great job

Of being like Slumped in like a human pile With this huge screwdriver Not enough BD I've not watched Gotham He's a villain on that Like I like BDWong He's Dr. Strange on Gotham

He's in Mr. Robot quite a bit Oh is he really? Yeah Good for him Yeah he's pretty much Off of SVU these days Yeah you'd almost have to be He's crooked in that terrible Jurassic World movie.

Oh, what? He comes back? He comes back as that dude, and he's crooked. Oh, that's pretty cool. He's, like, taking money from Vincent Dinoffrio's, like, stupid, like, military company to breed dangerous dinosaur soldiers. I like that idea. Sure. So then we have another...

There's another funeral, right? Or no, they're just walking in the park. Because this movie ends very terribly with just a park walk. I guess because there's no one left to say goodbye to. Because the teacher's dead. Joey 6 is like, I'll send you a bill. Like, yeah, right. It's like, hey, Joey 6, remember at the start of this movie when I told you there was no pay in it?

It's fucking sticking to that. And the janitor goes to just like take Bidi Wong's corpse wherever he's taking it. Yeah, because the show's just begun while he's getting the bath. There needs to be an end credit stinger scene of him just playing with a bunch of bones in the creepy basement. He's building a couch out of femurs. Yeah. So, but he's like, he goes as a girl. And he's like, oh, you know, he's got his duffel bag on.

He's like, oh, I got to get to the next port. Came here to do what I did. And the girl who's just lost her dad, it's her uncle, her only family in the world. And she's like, hey, man, you want to hang out for a while? I just inherited this house. And he's like, yeah, I'll stay at you graduate high school. Then I'm fucking gone. Yeah, totally.

I'm sorry. But like, if I'm, if I die and I don't want my brother necessarily to avenge my murder, I'd like him to raise my daughter. You know what I mean? Like that you're using your uncle skills a bit better that way. Well, you know what? He's not doing either because he didn't avenge that death in the first place. He's an idiot.

He just killed a bunch of random people. He just took down a gang that had almost nothing to do with his brother's death. All this gang was doing was stripping cars. That's it. That's it. He killed Biddy Wong in Broad Daylight, killed no less than 14 teenagers. Yeah. And let the one that actually did the crime get away and get a couple of smooches in.

And not to be a jackass, but, you know, that kid was white. The kid that gets away with it just so happens to be the only white bad guy in this movie. And he's not in the Arkham wing either. He's like in the regular wing. I don't think he even goes to the same school, does he? Oh my God. I don't even know. But he gets away.

You need to tell me that this kid goes to prison. Yeah. I need to see a police officer in this. movie. At least one police officer putting him into the back. The Bithian Times Square. Cleared it up. Try to push those prostitutes into the river.

Get a... Go, go, go, prostitutes. Go for a dip, prostitute. Oh, man, Giuliani would have the dip, wouldn't he? Oh, yeah, too. I'm going to kill this little shoe. And I talked like this. Oh, that's it, your little shoe. I'm cleaning up to a town now. All you little shoes are getting dipped. Oh, you stray little

shoes in the street. That makes total sense because he cleaned up Times Square for the Disney Corporation to come in. That's right. Yeah. Get out of here. Shul Mickey Mouth has to come in. Elmo, you watch yourself. You'll be next. Not putting up with any Jim Henthen horse shit in my Times Square.

You're getting a dip. Man, and that's just kind of the end of this movie. Interesting thing about this movie, though. I'm looking at like the amount of credits for like acting characters. Sure. The stunt double list is longer than the actors like by a country

mile though. Because there's a lot of little I mean we don't talk about it because the actions are not really like that funny but like there's some like you know good hand to hand stuff. Good hand to jumping around. There's the hilarious at the beginning of the movie where they're going to they pull a gun on them from the car and Treat Williams does like a forward roll and breaks

the dude's arm. Yeah that's pretty hilarious. That wasn't bad. Treat Williams went on to do two more of these movies. Substitute three, winner takes all, and then like a fourth one, like kind of more recently

than the rest of these movies. So, and it's different school districts. Yeah, he's just going around to different school districts each time. Avenging different mercenaries, I guess, that have fallen in the schools. The third one, speaking of falling down, there's some white supremacists going around.

Oh, is the fourth one substitute for Lamas class? Like, he's just teaching somebody gets killed and he's just fighting a bunch of pregnant women. Yeah, I'm the first. Lamas class's substitute teacher. Here's my yo-yo. He's like punching them but telling them to exhale for the baby's sake. Yeah, it's the very next year was winner takes all.

He's fighting white supremacist. And then, oh, I guess, no, it was kind of right in line with this. 2001 failure is not an option. Which I've never seen. Oh, that's him teaching improv. Is that what happens? Would anybody recommend the substitute to schools out? Yeah, it's a light recommend.

It's just kind of a fun movie. It moves at a decent clip. It's like 90 minutes flat. It's exactly kind of what you want. I'm into it. I would say, just watch the first one twice. It's just the first one twice. It's just that good.

No, I would totally recommend this movie. By the way, I realize I'm mixing up the plots. The fourth one is white supremacist, where Treat Williams is a cop for some reason. The third one is there's like a football team that's juicy. and he's taking them down. And is he a coach? I like the idea of him getting new jobs every town. The coach.

Like now he's the milkman. The substitute three, the milkman. Yeah. I would recommend this movie. I think this movie's a good hangover movie. It's not too long. You don't have to give a fly-in shit. You've already probably seen four other movies with the exact same plot,

including the first substitute. So I'm totally down. I feel like you could sort of just sleep through it and wake up and treat Williams as like kind of being still there. Just William's still there. Still at zero. That's the substitute

to schools out directed by Steve Pearl. If you want more We Hate Movies, check out WHM Podcast.com. Like us on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter. We are at WHM Podcast

right into the mailbag. We all hate movies at gmail.com. Remember, gang, the Patreon is up and rolling Patreon.com slash we hate movies. And one final thing. Next week,

we are going to be out in Los Angeles. Oh, say hi. We're going to be doing the live show at the L.A. Podfest preview event at the Hollywood Improv talking Suburban Commando. Which is sold out. It's sold out, but here's the thing. Steve, you're saying to yourself like, oh, bummer, I got sold out of the L.A. Podfest show. That is unfortunate. But there is a way that you can check out. It's being filmed. Oh, you just go into the vents, right? Then you watch it. You go, you sneak into the vents. No, L.A. Podfest is doing a cool thing where you can buy a live stream pass to the festival. Oh, cool. And you can see all the shows that are in the L.A. Podfest streaming live. Since ours airs before the podfest starts, ours is being recorded and then will be put up the next day.

Oh, cool. So that Friday, you'll be able to check that out. Exactly right. So you're going to go to LAPodfest.com and then scroll down to the bottom. They got all the passes you can purchase. You want to pick up this live stream pass. Now, get this gang. As a special offer to our listeners, you can get $5 off this live stream pass by using our promo.

by using our promo code movies. Of course, that's M-O-V-I-E-S. Get yourself $5 off this pass. You can stream all the shows at the L.A. Podfest and get our show. So before we maybe, maybe not, put out Suburban Commando down the road, you can watch us do it.

Pre-recorded show. You get to see our caporial beings. That's right. So LAPodFest.com, scroll down, get that live stream pass. Use our promo code. Very important to use our promo code movies. to get $5 off the live stream pass.

So that is the season premiere of We Hate Movies. Next week, we're going into the jungle. Is that right? Yeah. A little cult film known as Anaconda. Ooh, I like that movie. Oh, yeah. You got some John Voight in that movie.

Some J-Lo. You got some even more John Voight in that movie. You got a really terrible computer snake we'll get into it. And the puppet snake competing for screen time. Yeah, it's a real duel in the dicks. Oh, and John Boyd. So until next week with Anaconda, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Zedach.

Eric Siska. Take it easy.