We Hate Movies - S7 Ep272: Episode 272 - Ghosts Can't Do It

Episode Date: November 1, 2016

On this week's episode, the gang finds themselves stuck in a strange realm somewhere between the Halloween Spooktacular, A Side Order of Sleaze, and the closest they'll come to an election special, with the totally disgusting and ridiculous, Ghosts Can't Do It! What is with the way they're filming Anthony Quinn as a ghost? Is Bo Derek's character a Stockholm Syndrome-suffering hostage? And is that really Donald Trump? PLUS: In an alternate timeline, Donald Trump loses the election to the dancing chicken from Werner Herzog's Stroszek, who also happens to be a member of the Communist party. Ghosts Can't Do It stars Bo Derek, Anthony Quinn, Don Murray, Julie Newmar, and Donald Trump; allegedly directed by John Derek.Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

And on today's program, we thought the Halloween spooktacular was over, but the month changed and we just continued getting grossed out. This is one of the worst things we've ever covered on the show. It's called Ghost Can't Do It. I'm Andrew Jupin. Chris Cabin. Steven Seda. Eric Siska. And we hate movies.

You know, it's Halloween. I guess everyone's entitled to one good scare. Sometimes, dead is weather. Zombies have entered the building. They're at the door. They're coming in. It is time to keep your appointment with the Wicter Man. They're coming to get you, Barbara.

He's sick for fucks using one too many movies. Now, Sid! Don't you blame? Movies. Movies don't create psychos. Movies make psychos more creative. What's the fucking world? An excellent day for an exorcism.

Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies on the Side Show Network. Thank you for tuning into the program. As always. That's right. I used the spooktacular theme song into November. I did it. I did it.

Well, well, it's the start of November. The presidential election is upon us. It is a scary. corner. It's the afterbirth. It's the afterbirth of Halloween and all the goose and gob. Oh, Halloween's afterbirth, gross. Speaking of Halloween's afterbirth, I want to get this out of the way. On our Ernest, scared, stupid episode, we mentioned we would run a poll on our social media platform. Ooh, it's like 538. I like this. That's right. That's right. We're

like, uh-oh, let's see. Is Ernest going to win Arizona? So we... Hey, Vern, I took Mississippi. Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. In this election, anything can happen. So we asked, what is the best Ernest P. Whirl film? What about the Ottomans? Botswana Lumberjack. Oh, man. So we got 534 votes.

You know, this is always a problem with elections. Voter turnout. Yeah, not great. We didn't do much to get out the vote, to be quite honest. That's actually true. But I predicted correct that. Hey, go vote. The polls over.

I meant the other stuff? Yeah. The other stuff. Who cares about that. Now, Ernest goes to jail, one, with 32% of the vote. Wow. And then coming up in number two is actually Ernest scared stupid at 27%. That's heartbreaking.

That is crazy. That is crazy. People are crazy. And we got Evan McMullen with 18% of the vote. Very strange. People don't realize that Jim Barney faked his death, and that's just one of his characters. Dude, Evan McMullen would make a great Ernest movie. Ernest goes to Utah?

Yeah, dude. Ernest goes to a fucking multiple family wedding. Ernest goes Mormon? Yeah, that was my joke. Well, I'm trying to make you, trying to give you a better title. We're selling this, we're selling this to babies. You understand that? So Ernest goes

to camp was 26% that's so close. It's just 1% off. This is why you vote people. This is why you have to vote. Yeah, that's That's your Nader situation right there. Oh, the spoiler right there. That's Nader in a nutshell. Well, Ernest saves Christmas, siphoned off 15% of the vote.

Unbelievable. Siphon fucking unbelievable. I think that might be the spoiler. Yes, I think that is it. Oh, that's horrifying. That's your final results. That concludes our election coverage. No love for Ernest goes to Africa, huh?

I did not list it on the poll. I did not consider it. Didn't want to take your toe into that one. We're not getting into Ernest Goes to Africa. Which you want to talk about alternate titles. I read on the internet that was called Ernest does blackface at one. Oh, that's fun. Yeah.

it's not true but I guarantee you there's probably black face in that way. It would get more ass in seats. If there's brown face in his fucking Halloween movie. If that's just the title. Yeah. Well you can't call it Ernest does blackface and then not

have black faces. By the way anything to not talk about ghosts can't do it. From 1989 directed by famed pervert John Derek may he rest in peace. He's kind of.

What, rest in peace or famed pervert? Maybe. I kind of hope he's anxious. Because he's a famous pervert. He's not only a pervert, my friend. This dude was committing cry. Oh, you just described my death state which is rest in anxiety?

Yeah, because why should that stop by death's cold embrace? Steve Sadek's vibrating tombstone. Oh, man. You in the afterlife is making me uncomfortable. Just thinking of it. I really hope there's at least like a heaven and hell and, like, Steve goes to one and I go to the other

because I couldn't take it. But it's my coffin presentable. I think that eulogy was too long. They're talking about me again. Oh, man. Oh, no, she didn't break with the time I piddled in my day. Oh, they're telling all sorts of stories about me. That's me.

Why don't you bring me to the wake? So we can't just claim that someone's like a world-class pervert and not explain what. Sure. Who wants to take this? Eric Siska. I'm more than happy to. I want Susque to do this.

Gather around, children. I'll tell you the story. So, speaking of children, Bo Derek was a child at the time. I think her name was Mary Kathleen Collins or something. And she was a bright young 16-year-old girl who liked to spend her days at the beach until one day,

a lettuous old man sauntered over. And before... This is getting good. Yeah, before you know it, before you know it, She was dropping out of high school, and he was, they moved to Germany. This old man and her 16 years old moved to Germany in order to not be prosecuted by the United States for all the statutory sex. Goodness gracious, great balls of fire, man. Wow. They're not even cousins.

Stop. Stop right there. I have a contract for you. Martin Cinemax wants to be in the John Derrick business. Oh, yeah, Garin Bucin T. That was a blood contract. A six movie deal, you think? Well, I think the three that they made, they might have been more together. Right, but these. Between John Derek and Martin Cinemax the third? No, well, I mean, I'm sure these all were on Cinemax.

Oh, you mean John and Bo Derek? Yes. But I was reading about this a little, and it was so crazy. Like, there was a movie called like Fantasies, which is actually shot like, I think when she was under age. Yes, it was. And then they didn't release it until like the 80s when she was already a star. Gross.

And they put out a DVD of it very recently. Right. And then Bolero, did you read about this one? I've seen Bolero. You all. Oh, what? It is bad. Because she's, it's about a young woman.

Well, it takes the story you know about Bolero takes an hour to happen. Well, which I don't even know what you're talking about. So she's a virgin. She's a virgin and she seduces a Matador. I thought this was going to be a longer version of Madonna's Take a Bow video. Close. I mean, well, what happened. happens is they get together and he gets

injured in a bull fight and can't get an erection. Oh man the bull popped his dick. And then she goes on a mission to get his erection back. Right, because the whole She goes into the afterlife, like home like, she definitely like from beyond scenes

kind of. Oh wow. Oh, like from the movie. Yeah, like she kind of goes into other states of being just to find a dick. Yeah, just to get a hard dick. Quick, quick little mention that this is welcome back to we hate movies after dark

this is a side order slees basically also this is tangent town and all tangent town is always we're always in tangent town but like this is like I mean I feel like this might go into blame it on Rio territory yes so this is it's in that area and it's good to have this bedrock yeah this is what we call

advanced level we hate movies exactly now that was the filmography bringing you up to this movie unless I missed one I think the Tarzan movies afterwards I think it might No, no, this is the last one of them. Oh, really? Oh, is it?

Okay, so the Tarzan ones before this. Was he finally jailed? How erotic is that now? That one is quite erotic. It takes 45 minutes for Tarzan to show up. This movie is really just trying to, like, legitimize their relationship, I think, in a really creepy way. Because, Chris, look how great we are. I got a quick question, because I've asked Andrew and Eric separately.

Isn't there a line in this movie that they met when she was 14, or did I make that up? Something like, yes. Okay. Oh, really? And she eventually also says like she's never had sex with a young man. She's only ever had sex with an old man. Because let's mention it's Anthony Quinn is playing the standing role for John Derek. And they're leading this rich life.

And she's like the trophy wife that he apparently abducted as a child. So basically, it's pretty creepy. And he dies. It was a different America. No, no. Wait a second, though. He doesn't just die. I'm just trying to give the macro.

Oh, all right. Then we'll get into it. Okay. Yeah. So there's a lot. He dies and then wackiness ensues. He wants to have sex with her and they have to find a way to make that happen because guess what, Andrew? Ghosts Can't Do It Turns out Ghosts Can't Do It. And that's what the title is referring to. If you were wondering, it's about how ghosts can't fuck you. But I've read different info on that. And Ghostbusters told me different too. Right. And the entity and the whole incubus stuff. Oh, man. What if Ed? So later, Julie Newmark, Mark, and she's like his guardian angels. All right, Anthony Quinn,

you can't have sex with your own wife anymore. However, you can give all the blow jobs you want, man. That's just how that works. 24-7. I got an obese ghost hunter in New York City. He's very pleased. Oh, my God.

It's a shared cinematic universe. With Ghostbusters, I think that's what we're told. I'm going to take that form of a sexy lady and a blow dine acroids. I got to tell you, I've seen like Anthony Quinn in like Lestrada

and maybe a couple more movies I've never actually seen Larry of Arabia by the way I never got rid of it's good the big in there I watched it during Hurricane Sandy that's a great hurricane movie we keep having them so yeah oh yeah by the way right into the mailbag

about your own hurricane movies right we just had one down in Florida I hope everyone's okay but right in your story nobody's dead Yeah, but if you're not dead, write in and tells what you watch during the hurricane. But I don't know, man. He fucking sucks in this movie. And I don't know if it's like, because he was just really old at this point and he's got like no direction because it's just some letcherous scumbag is making this movie.

It's like a close up with soft lighting. What is this? 70% of this performance? Yeah. Yeah. He's just standing in front of a curtain reacting off of nobody. But I presumably probably just John Derek reading him lines. And he knocked this out.

bet you two days max oh easy yeah two days max he was in and out of this thing so let's so let's back up a bit so they live in like this big fancy ranch in wyoming it's got the world's weirdest credit sequence by the way sure which is just silence and this like these sepia pictures of them on horseback and like ralph stedman kind of font somewhere i thought i got the wrong file i was like is this like a billy jack sequel i thought like i didn't have like the audio wasn't working well no Because this is, guys, what you're failing to realize. These are all what they call in the business, artistic decisions. Oh, I see.

Like when it comes up, it says, Ghosts Can't Do It by John Derek, which that's the dumbest thing I've ever seen. Well, he's an auteur. Yeah, I know. And it's like from right there, that title card, you can just like tell how full of shit this dude was. And he thought he'd be up there with Franny Truffaut.

I know, dude. Oh, I know. Yeah, it sucks Because his wife had a nice body So we get to Yeah He thought to put it to film I saw a little girl on the beach one day

I'm gonna put her in the movies Legal ones this time He did he kidnapped her and put her in legal movies So they live in sort of like Captain Kirk's Retirement Dream I want to live in this place man It's a big snowy horse ranch in Wyoming This is a pretty nice establishment they've got

Too much Native American appropriation for my tastes. Yeah, yeah, well, that's not shocking. Rich white man just living it, living off the land, sort of. You can buy that jacket, but it can't be everywhere. You can't buy different versions of that check. You can have one of those jackets and then nothing else. Maybe a nice rug in the house if you want to. That's about it.

And it would be fine. Even if it was just for these scenes, that would be fine. Except for later on, when somebody's like playing a piano or something, they're wearing a fucking top at. And they have the strings around the thing with the multicolored stuff. And I was like, what the fuck is this doing here? Well, this was like, you know, I think in like 88, 89, this was like a big. It was like a big, yeah, it was like, oh, what's what's what's in right now.

I mean, remember, this is Donald Trump's America. Right. When he says he wants to make America great again. He wants to make it like this. He has a heart attack on this horse, right? Like, that's the first thing. Yeah. And like the sound quality is wretched in this movie.

I think this is like his doctor Someone's running up And he's trying to give him a shot And he's like, not my belly Don't put it in my belly I had to go looking for subtitles Yes To see what the fuck he was saying

It's like the rabies shot Don't give It's like a rabies shot I don't want it in the belly Oh give me a kiss my baby Give me a kiss Let me bite your lip Let me bite your lip in taste life

And she is calling I mean like the problem is this is written by John Derek So this should be Bo Derek's movie where she like kind of walks away from this creepy old letcherous man as he's dying. It's kind of like the hardest part of the jewel heist is when you, when you're waiting for your fence to come back with all the jewels. That's if you're a trophy wife waiting for your shitty husband to die. You're like, oh man, it's coming. It's going to happen.

It's just like a reservoir dog. It's exactly like that. She's doing this thing where she's like, oh, Scott, please tell me this is just one of your drills. again, and I'm like, drills? What kind of a life is this? It's dog tooth. I think it's dog tooth again. We're in a compound. We're not on an estate. This is a compound because she calls

him the great one. Not the great one constantly. Not like he's fucking Wayne Gretzky. No thank you, sir. Yeah, there's only one great one, by the way, and he's not in this movie. It was reminding me of Foxcatcher a little bit because it's like it's like this secret compound

where we wrestle. Channing Taylor's just running around perimeter. I would like a creepy little Steve Correll to shoot fucking Anthony Quinn in the head. That would be great. That would be great. It steady shoots himself in the head. Well, so yeah, so he has this heart attack and it's basically like, you can't

ride horses anymore, you can't fuck anymore, probably. His doctor who's on the compound wearing a gold jersey? Let me tell you, this dude went to Dr. Nick's Hollywood upstairs medical school. Holy shit. Dude, if you are having serious heart troubles and your doctor comes in to

give the diagnosis and he's wearing a gym a chain gym t-shirt seek a second opinion at least but yeah he can't you know no heavy meats blah blah blah and no fucking and he's like I can't live like a t-shirt

I'd want to die so he takes the cowards way out and fucking Kurt Cobain's himself dude now Steve Sadek often talks about shooting himself in the head in a horror franchise now if you couldn't fuck anymore and you had to get a shot in your belly

would you kill yourself? No, I'm fine. I mean, if I'm a billionaire, that's the thing. This is, and it's not like, he kills himself, it's not like he has, like, really debilitating cancer. He looks fine. That he's fine. Like, his heart will give out eventually.

Like, it's a heart attacks, like, a total, like, on the list of ways to go, that's pretty high up there, right? Like, as, as, like, as opposed to drowning, as opposed to, like, horrific cancer, as opposed to uh yeah i guess so but he's like he wants to be dr man like he's he wants to be immortal he wants to be dr manhattan you ever wants to be hung like him right i walk around the blue my balls i scrape the floor i think he quill as dr man i want to be a big blue giant man with a swinging vine dick

why won't you let me kill him i just want to destroy him is that him talking to roared I want to turn it at the raw shack to dust But also I don't get And this is a big fuck you in this movie And again it's because this scumbag John Derek's vanity project But like

I don't get him like holding the gun Like well Lucille It is now time to go Like none of that It's just like Bo Derek's like outside Like the snow is great and I've got nine horses. She's driving home with their adorable dog.

Yes. And then they just cut to gunshot. Yeah. And then she goes up there and she's like yelling at the mates. Don't look at me. Don't look at me. Well, the nurse is like, you know, you don't want to see this. And she's like, I have to see the great ones brain splattered all over that wall.

I have to eat them. I have to eat them. And then I have to save them for their children. Speaking of eating, the suicide note was really fun. Oh, really? The chair, the, yeah, he's like, I always thought you were the cherry on my cake. Turns out you are my cake. Oh, great.

A great suicide now. The cherry was my many mistresses. Because you know, you know that shit was going on. Of course. You know that. That's what you needed that funeral scene, by the way, is like his like three or four close advisors, her and then like a string of women standing on the other side. A vast ocean of escorts. No, it's like different

Like there's a 40 year old A 50 year old And a 60 year old Like yeah We got thrown out for you A VD personified showed up Hello What's also funny is now

This is when the haunting begins At the funeral Also give it a fucking day asshole Maybe a month Don't do it during the ceremony No But what I do appreciate

Is the dog can see him too Oh yeah The dog's like chatting him up Everybody knows that dogs, you know, can peer into the paranormal. All animals have a window to the nether realm. She's dressed like she's going to a funeral on Krypton, man. Isn't that thing crazy? Dude, I think she's wearing a Sasquatch pelt.

I don't know what the hell this thing is. Also, is it a Klingon funeral? Because there's like flames everywhere. Well, I think this is going back into some appropriation here. He's like, you knew the exact kind of a funeral I wanted. A Native American one. And you're like, uh-huh. Sure.

Burn me to a cinder. So he winds up in some hotel lobby with Julie Newbar, of all people. Yet another catwoman on the show. Oh, yeah. Oh, right. Oh, poor Eartha Kit. Who's slumming it more here? Eartha Kit and Ernest Cared stupid or Julie Newmar and this?

Julie Newmar and this. Yes, okay. We can all agree on that. But she probably got paid more. Who? Julie Newmour. I think so? I mean, John Derek is a swing.

and dick out in Hollywood. John Derek didn't have earnest franchise money. I don't know about it. I don't know. Yeah, you know, you never know. And he was around during old holly. He was an actor back in the day, right?

He was a classic Hollywood, yeah. Oh, that's right. John Derek did a bunch of earnest movies. It was like a one for them, one for me. Kind of a deal. Like, I'll do your earnest movie, but then I'll do my weird fucking having sex with a much younger woman. Here's the thing. It's just going to be one thing.

Uh, Bo has to, has to appear in it. She has to be naked. She has to be naked through the whole damn thing. No, I do understand where you come from, Mr. Vani, but she has to be naked. I do understand your point of view. That's Mr. Varnie, you. Yeah, you're all set for your meeting with Jim,

but don't call him, Jim. You have to call him Mr. Varnie. Okay, thank you so much. I'm walking. I won't do it. I'll call him whatever the fuck I want. Also, by the way, what an idiot. Like, you're in heaven or wherever

with an age-appropriate Julie Numar as your angel and what looks like kind of lingerie at points. See if you can figure that out before figuring out possessing someone and fucking your wife. According to the super book,

I believe angels don't have genitalia. That's true. Yeah. Oh, right. Dang it. Yeah, I guess you're just going to have to figure it out with the face. Or just move on. Yeah, a lot of face. We don't know what kind of. We don't know what what super book we're according to here because

I was raised Catholic and if you fucking blow your, if you fucking Hemingway yourself, you're going straight to hell. Straight to hell. So he's in purgatory. And apparently if you kill yourself, you can just be a sexual ghost.

Sexual ghost. Well, you do have a clock. You have like a week. You got a week? But that, you got like a week. This brings a point that I wanted to mention. This would all take so much longer than it at you.

Well, no, it's just that like he's, he's saying this like sort of vague like, I only have so much of time. And you're like, well, have Julie Numar be like, hey man, you got a week. But no one specifies anything. She's like, don't you want to try to get to the afterlife?

At one point he does say, I have three days. But then we're like we're fucking, you're going to Hong Kong. Yeah. Which is two days Oh my God. And Max. How's he even getting that info? Like, what? Has he got like email or something? He got the book for Beatlejews.

and he's reading it. I would appreciate that. A little bit. Set up the world a little better. So he starts contacting her. Anthony Quinn starts contacting Bo Derek. Now, I think... I'm sorry, Steve.

But it's very important, I think, that we sort of lay out how this looks while you're watching the movie. Because it's not like your average haunting romantic comedy where like Patrick Swayze is by your side the whole time.

I got a perfect idea. All right. So if you're at home, get a picture of Anthony Quinn, which you have. I know you have in your house. In the back. Take it out of the frame.

Get a clear glass of iced tea and put it on top of the frame. And that's kind of what you're looking at. Also, possibly any music video from 1983. He is just like staring at the corner of a floor. Like, because he's supposed to be looking down from wherever. Yeah. And then, like, he's standing in front of a curtain in a hotel lobby, like Steve said. They just hung a curtain, strewn a few lights about.

And then, like, she's just sort of, like, looking wherever, on location, onset, wherever she happens to be talking to nothing. Looking like a maniac. Screaming at the top of her lungs. And no one is, and this is fucking white privilege at its finest. No one is like, that woman is fucking insane. Commit her. I thought the twist was she was going to get committed or something, or maybe shock treatment.

That's what it should be, dude. We got to shock this fucking crazy out of her. I'd love to see her. But she's like a fucking, she's like a billionaire white widow. So it's like, ah, she's a lunatic, but it's okay. Ooh, the white widow. Is that Marvel? No, black widow.

Actually, I think there is a white widow. Probably, of course there is. Yeah, at some point she has. Now you got your casting. All figured out, Marvel. There's a white widow and there's a white witch later. Oh. Wait, in this?

Okay. Oh, there's a white witch. Oh, God, there's fucking outright witchcraft in this movie later on. So he's like, hey, don't the biso say, why you cry in my feud? She's like, dude, what the fuck? It's just so ugly. I do like this. Well, because that's the thing is like when he has a heart attack

in the movie, he's like, now what are our commandments? And she's like, I shall not wear black. I shall not cry when you And like, there's this weird like script they have going. They've been prepping for this man's death for 10 years. You'd have to release. No, because they've had

some plan that he's going to live forever. But it's this like big fucking production to do. And it's like tiring. It is exhausting watching these exchanges. I told you to freeze me next to Disney. What the fuck? What's with this Klingon funeral bullshit? Scoop out the

brain. Put it in the cylinder and freeze it. Oh, that would be great. See, that's what it should be. Not like this fucking soul horseshit. You wanted to be like Robocop 2? Yeah, dude. Consciousness. Just change it into something. Put them in a robot, right? Yeah, that's what you want.

Anthony Quinn robot. And then it's like a sexy bicentennial man. Oh, yep. So bicentennial man with nipples, I guess. Hard nipples. By dash centennial man. Now I go for both.

So long as you're yet less than a centennial old. The pleasure of the flesh. I'm your buggy man. Oh, gross. He's getting a all sorts of meat. So she's talking to him

and like, he's like, you have to go to your favorite place in the world. Is this Sri Lanka? Where are we going here? I think it is. Sri Lanka. Yeah, we could go to Sri Lanka. Quick thing, before we go to Sri Lanka, I just have to mention, because it's kind of a legitimately hysterical part of

this movie, but totally unintended. Please. He's critiquing the funeral, like we mentioned. You weren't supposed to wear black, but you are. You're crying. You weren't supposed to. And he's like, but I am a so happy my horse are good to be in the tendons. There's like,

if they got to this wide shot of like everyone standing around the grave and then a horse in mourning, Bravo horse acting. That's great horse acting. Also, can we bring up one more thing about

when we're with Anthony Quinn? The costume changes? Yeah, that's a great question. Sometimes he's dressed like Indiana Jones and sometimes he's not. What the quiet fuck is going on here? Like, why does a ghost need an outfit? Because he's got a Bogart raincoat at some point.

Dude, it is just because they're fucking filming with whatever he came in wearing that day to the holiday in lobby to film this shit. Well, what the fuck? It's raining outside. I got to wear my hat. No, I won't turn it off. Turn off your jackets. Shut up.

Yeah, I feel like that's a lot of like, hey, Anthony, you want to get closer to the microphone? I got to go closer your. fucking ass I get close to man Pisidio man don't you fucking forget it so we go to Sri Lanka also he loved that horse so much

why didn't he just like possess the horse oh because he's a dick who is not a big enough what do you think of that Chris possess a horse you know I think that's going to be a little complicated

yeah Chris Cabin Bronx medium some shitty spin off to long So, all right, so we go to... And zoo, of course. Oh, yeah. Oh, yes.

So we go to Sri Lanka, where they've got some fucking castle. Yeah, it's another place. She brings all of her jewels and she's like, oh, these give me happiness. It's like $1.5 million in jewels. She says something about like, because he's like, why do you take all these jewels with you?

And she's like, because I like playing with them. And he's like, they should really be in the vault. She has a fish bowl that's worth like a billion. What is this? Because there's some like Diamond inside it or something. Obsidian. It's like a circle of obsidian in the middle of it. It's from Davy Jones's

locker. There's like a whole thing about it. What is the line? It's some point where he's a ghost I believe which is most of the movie but he uses the line. I just wrote it down where he goes, real men don't eat kish. I wrote that down too. You know what that it's about.

It's about when she asks him. why didn't you just take pills and that's like heart medication no no no no like to kill yourself instead of like blowing your head off oh right right right right instead of Hemingway you just you know take some pills well I'm a man and you know what keesh is delicious yes but it's for soft men I'm a hard man I don't know if you guys know this but this movie takes place in a in a verse or time wherein this guy harkens back to an era when when men were men, okay? And men aren't men anymore.

You know, men are now women. Right. And I don't even know what women aren't. The pussy generation, as Clint Eastwood would say. Yes, exactly, exactly. There's another person who should have died off already. Well, he's been talking to ghosts, too. So we go to Sri Lanka, this house.

We sort of meet, like, the locals. She's kind of like, she's naked. This is the first nudity. Just total nudity. She's like, oh, I'm just Sunday. bathing on the beach there and some guy Fausto

Fousto Giuliani or what's his last name? It's me Fasto Oh look at this Bo Derek sitting on a beach Oh no you got to get her off the beach Can't show that body Get that beach body off that beach

buddy See what I did that? Let's get Mickey Mouse in there instead Put some Mickey Mouse in there The Eminence Corporation wants to buy a whole steak right in the porno district Fausto Giuliani

I love that but his name is Fausto and something else Garibaldi Garibaldi And it's like Jesus He's like if Kyle McLaughlin

Was like a 20 year old Porn star That's what this guy Named Devalo Yeah I thought this guy Would have been in like Two dozen Gialo movies Like he's got that look

Turns out he's been in nothing Nothing at all He looks like Patrick Duffy a bit, too, like a young dynasty Oh, wow, yeah. That's where you want to be. I like that. I could take a bite out of that. You're talking about a blowjob goes,

hello. Send me to 1980s heaven. I'll tell you who shot, J.R. All right, this is after dark. We set it at the top. Advanced level we hate movies. It's half. If this is your first episode, pause, listen to another one and then come back.

Listen to almost any other episode So at this point Like he's like She's like she's really pissed at him for killing himself And like what this movie should be Is like him with his lecherous old claws From Beyond the Grave Trying to hold on and her slowly pulling away

And they both learn a lesson He's like I gotta go to heaven or hell Most likely hell And you've got to keep living your life This billionaire lifestyle You're saying their characters should grow And change over the course of a narrative Yes and stop wanting to fuck each other

But also, conversely, if you want to make this like a dark comedy, which I think it tries to be... Oh, yeah, it tries to be hysterical. First of all, you can't put Bo Derrick in it. Because you know what? She's unfunny. Bo Derek is horrible. She's horrible. She's horrible, horrible.

She ruins Shark Nato. That's hard to do. You know what? Incredibly hard to do. That's why they pay you the big bucks as a film critic. I think she holds her old and own. and Tommy boy. That's just because she's being

supported by Rob Blow being awesome in that movie. And then Brian Denny has that heart at that. You think that's what Brian Denny's trying to do in that movie too? He's like, I'm coming back for you, baby. Oh, no, I got sucked into the body

of my son Tommy. Ah, gross. Fat guy in a little coat. Sorry, Tom Senior. I'm not going to fuck you now. John Wayne Gasey in a little coat. If his, if Brian Denny

he's ghost was possessing Chris Farley's. That makes sense because then that's how he can make the sales at the end. He grows back into it. Tommy want wingy indeed. That's a good movie. It is. I love that movie. I saw him on stage Brian Denny. He not for Chris Farley.

I was like, what really? And I've never been so scared in my life. I was at that I'd just fucking slap your face right. He will slap your face and it's going to come right off. You know who does the same thing? Because you saw him in what? Iceman coming? Yeah. we saw

a production of Our Town with Michael Shannon Holy tits man This guy comes out He's playing the narrator right So he comes out to do the like Turn your cell phone off He pulls out

And I think this was his own personal device This like 1999 flip phone Just opens that thing Looks at it Looks back at you And shakes his head While he angrily closes it And puts it away

My lips are turning blue That's chilling Dude, I've never been so scared by our town. So whatever. So, you know, this is where they sort of concoct this thing where it's like, okay, like, what if you picked a young buck for me to possess? Oh, yeah. Then we could get married and we could fuck again. Bo Derek is very stern.

Her Christian values are in play here. She's like, I will not just fuck somebody. He's like, well, we could also get married again if you want. The point is I just want to fuck. And then he's like asking her like, what would she prefer in a man? And like she says she wants to have a young man, a very young man.

A very young man. He better be white. Oh, you're just like me. I love you so much. Oh, yes. Go for the young ones. Put on the clan of roba. Yeah.

Oh, that is doing it for me. So what the fuck was I saying? She wants a young man Because she has never been with a young man. She's only ever had sex with this old man. One and done. Apparently. Bizarre.

So this is what I don't understand. There's a lot of things you don't understand. Well, that's true. But I just mean with regard to this film, ghosts can't do it. So he's got like some business empire that's worth like two billion dollars. That's because this movie's bad. And it's just like, he does business.

And okay, oh, the business is in trouble. Why? Because the business is in trouble. And you have to go deal with the business now because you are the business. And he was the business once, but now you are indeed the business that will go forward. So, like, some other old fucking pervert like finds her. Oh, dude, he's been waiting for fucking Anthony Quinn to die. Yeah, Winston.

Yeah, Winston, like the best buddy slash like business advisor or whatever. He's licking his lips. Oh, my goodness. He looks like a really elderly. stunt double for the dad from Donnie Darko, whatever that dude's name is. Oh, God. Chants something around.

Yeah, he's got, he's got like a cool, weird name. It's Don Murray. What? Don Murray's this guy. Who's Don Murray? Is this guy. Is Winston. But why should I give a shit?

Because Knott's Landing. What? The TV soap opera-ish. Oh, and that dude was on it? Yes. Oh. What else did he do? Not much.

Well, then why do you give a shit about Knott's Landing? I watched a lot of it. today. Not today. God, dude, you got to get out of the house. I do. Watch a knots landing like a loser.

He was also in bus stop. Yeah. Well, why don't you call me when you're watching Evening Shade. Okay. Then we'll come over.

Okay. Evening Shade-a-thon. So this dude comes and he's like, hey man, your dead husband's company is worth $2 billion. We got to go to Hong Kong and negotiate something. You're going to lose all this money. And Anthony Quinn's like,

by the way, I may hate that that Fausto guy, But last night I saw him go a skinny dipping And he's got a nice dick And you're like, okay, let's just go to Hong Kong Keep that in mind, folks Whenever you're doing anything, a ghost is just checking out Just watching you.

Sizing you up. Think about how many dead people there are. Your grandmother knows what your dick looks like. Of course, not only my grandmother, it's like it's like a stadium of people. That's right, actually. We're recording right now in my Manhattan apartment that's over 100 years old.

think about all the dead ghosts of Irish immigrants that are in here It's like ghost Yankee Stadium Well now how am I supposed to perform Very carefully I'm scared to my very core Well you better you know Just psych yourself up

Okay get yourself going the best you've ever done Well because like can I say that like It includes when he is sizing up Faster there Fouillian in the waves At night He thought I got a big dick Look at the thing in my banana hammock

Oh hi there ghost how you're doing. Let me to shake it of it for you. It could be used as a flotation device. He has the unfortunate line

I could be I could be happy in that. Yeah. I could be happy in that dick. In that thing. Oh, gross. That whole machine there.

What if he overshoots it and possesses a sperm? Oh, wow. That's a problem. Then you've got to start from scratch to you. She'll be long dead before he's legal.

Never stop him. You, you, you, in this In this movie, you can fuck anything you want. That's actually true. As long as you're wearing a Native American smock. Oh, God. Right. Then it's a spiritual reason you're having.

Yeah. You guys remember how it is the movie tells us we're in Hong Kong, by the way? No. A big old gong crash. Fucking thanks. Cut to Bo Derek eating noodles. Tyrofoam cup of noodles. Just had a quick PSA.

You know who needs to retire the gong sound effect? Fucking food network. Anytime it's like... Oh, really? And in your baskets, it's Asian food. Gong. Are you kidding? You'll hear more gongs than not.

Jesus, Ted Allen, you should be ashamed to yourself. Don't they also throw in a... Like, they occasionally... No. Occasionally, they'll throw that one in there. Anytime pizza's like, but-ba-da-da-da-da-da. Everybody's a racist.

It's like, all right, relax. Holy shit, food network. How are they getting away with this? Yeah, nobody cares. So in a good mood... I saw that guy Fierry. I could be nice and... I'd have plenty of room

to run around I don't know about the hair though all of a sudden Guy Fieri's got black slicked back hair and you're like Oh my God

Anthony Quinn He's exercising He's dressed like a 1940s detective Folks that's how you know Guy Fieri's been possessed by the ghost of Anthony Quinn But in a good movie

That would happen yeah Well yes In my good movie But in a good movie, again, maybe this is a part where she finds out she's good at business. And, like, she has a real knack for it. But the problem is no one knows what business is. It's the old 1980s, quote, unquote, business. Well, we can talk about it when she gets into the little room with Donald.

So this is why we're doing this movie and we are. Seven days before the world ends. We walk into this business room in this movie. and it's like three Hong Kong businessmen and this fucking little tiny fingered prick Donald Trump sitting at this business table. Wet lips constantly. He's like suckling at the air.

He's, it's distracting and it's weird to our eyes, but he's trying to be sexy. Oh yeah, absolutely. He's trying to eye fuck that camera. He's got bedroom eyes, bedroom eyes, I would say. Yeah, he's got, and he's got Martin Scorsese's eyebrows. He does, dude, these are outrageous. I know they were going to get up and walk

the craft services he's just licking these lips doing his fucking tiny little cocktail weenie fingers are all over his face i do think this is before he found his instrument as an actor uh you know like when you watch that home alone scene where he's telling kevin mccaster down the hall and to the left yeah you know that's a great he's he's cohesive he's really come together right here i think he's a little uncomfortable he is he looks he looks like he's he's trying he's actively trying to shit his pants he looks like he's uh trying to tell a mexican my minister that he's going to pay for a wall that he's definitely not going to. And then minutes before that guy told him to go fuck himself and they had to do a press conference.

It's almost like that. Well, because he probably walked into this fucking conference room set banging a gong. I mean, China. China. Well, technically I think it's English, Ted. China. Yeah, oh, yeah. They love me here.

How's everybody doing? I don't know why I do it as Rodney Dangerfield, but, oh, hey, you know what, Rodney would to make a great president. I would have definitely voted for... Rodney Dangerfield's fucking defiled corpse would make a better president than Donald Trump. I had the nuke rush. I didn't give me no respect.

It's like, oh my God. This is terrifying, but kind of funny? Oh, yeah. You thought this was going to be a laugh ride, kid. Turns out I'm a fucking maniac. Also, I got gambling deaths. Oh, man, a president with a serious gambling problem. Dirty Joe.

I'm into him for a mill. where's my gong he's selling off parts of the union oh absolutely hey how do I revoke this Louisiana purchase I'm putting all Italians in internment camps

because I owe them all money tell me tell me price tag Statue of Liberty tell me what that is so it's like whatever so it's that classic thing we're sort of Serenaud de Bergeracking

a little bit because he's like Anthony Quinn from beyond is like tossing her business advice like things to say to them which is basically stuff like tell them to just to back off and they'll go fuck of themselves put the knives away oh yeah put the knives away

get out to here this is not your business this is my they're not even crying like it's not even like they're not even like trying to bring it like oh and this like title C97 says that you can't be doing this thing no it's like we have firmed up our option and we said fuck you

Oh, that's very good I can't believe you told me to fuck myself I'm going to go but I'm going to purse my lips a little more They're pretty wet Oh man It's just like I respect the strong woman

It's like I gotta get some tic tacks I gotta get some tic tic tic I'd grab you If your let's husband wasn't right there Behind the camera John Derek John Derek how much Yeah yeah oh guarantee

John Derek how much Don't pay me Don't pay me for any of this No I can't sexually assault women that are being haunted by Anthony Quinn. I don't want to get this.

Dude, and he's just, he's like dry. Oh, no, forget it. It's an old Italian actor next door.

I'm not going to touch you. These like dry, gross lives, dude, they look like two fucking pink socks you left in the dryer for too long. I'm going to put my pink socks on you.

Oh, ew. These socks are going to meet your socks. Um, so then she's like, if you know what I mean. They're like, all right, let's take a break for the night. And then this old Winston is just like, you did great.

I want to have sex with you. You did great. Let's go dancing. I want to have sex with you. We should go dancing. And then she's like, oh, I have to go to the pool. Oh, well, I'm going to do more business calls. She goes to the pool.

It looks very much like the pool and Superman one that, like, Miss Texbacher is swimming around in. Oh, yeah. Whatever if it's a shared cinematic universe. It might be. Shared pool universe at least. Oh, shit. Like you swim down to the pool?

Yeah. Come up to another movie? I think that pool was in an X-Files episode, too. That's a good move. If you go to a pool party, you go as Superman and get in the pool with a nice kryptonite necklace around. Someone will enjoy that. Maybe me. Maybe just specifically me.

Steve's standing by the pool clapping. Do you have to constantly be pretending like you're drowning the whole night? Kind of, yeah. So speaking of, I wish I was drowning when I was watching this movie. She goes to this pool and she's swimming around naked. Oh, God. And then, like, she gets out and she's showering off, getting all that dirty Hong Kong chlorine off. Talking to her dead husband the whole time.

The whole fucking time. Back and forth, nonsense. Until he says, that's the original title of this movie is back and forth nonsense. She does say ghosts can't do it at one point. Yeah, says it on the beach. Yeah. So they have, like, there's some sort of squabble here. And he's like, hey, you know what the, why did you take the night off?

I'm going to go hang out with some of my friends. And I'm like, ghost friends. Hey Hitler, let's play poker. Remember when I sold you all those shells? Oh, that's how he made his fortune. Buddy, honey, play some of your early stuff. Remember when I damaged your plane. So he literally says he's going to go hang out with his friends and like give her the night off.

Fucking finally, thank you so much ghost husband. This is so much worse than when you were alive and ruining my life. Because I've been holding in a shit for a week. Because I'm not going to shit in front of my ghost husband She like farts, burps, throws up Oh, fucking finally He's violently picking her nose I mean fucking golden girls are on tonight

I am just hanging out Just watch fucking TV at some fucking old man Nattering at me from beyond the grave And right when he leaves Like she gets in the shower And some like old hitman Comes in and this is again Probably some friend of John Derrick's

He's like hey Frank You want to see my wife naked act in this scene with her? Here's a deal breaker. Can I lick my lips in front of her? I need that. Need that, John. Everyone has that.

I think everyone's looking their lips in front of her. And the whole thing is, like, his actual plan, and we'll get into what she thinks he's going to do. But the actual plan is he wants to make her have sleeping pills. Like, force her to eat sleeping pills so that, like, she sleeps through this big, Donald Trump meeting. I thought it was you wanted to commit suicide.

That's what I thought too. I thought, no, I think I had the same idea as Andrew that it was, she's got another like stockholders meeting or something. But how would that guarantee that at all? Exactly. Well, yeah, because it's fucking stupid. But because that, because that happens to the other guy, Quinn or whatever his name is, the friend. Winston, Winston, Winston, Winston. Winston. Winston. okay because like she in the next scene he explains it but so it's like so she sleeps through this meeting with Donald Trump

and the fucking two Hong Kong businessmen so it's a decision between taking sleeping pills and being shot in the head with a silence pistol yeah he has a silenced pistol I guess just in case what's the point like listen you're trying to drug someone well wait you're going to go in person

and put a gun on them to drop in the pool too like you sneak that shit in Yeah, you figure it out. Like wait until she's at the bar. You offer her a drink, you know. But the John Derek special, they call that. Look, man, I'm a grown man over 30. And if I get a silence pistol fucking pointed in my face, I'm going to be like,

whatever you want, please don't kill me, please don't kill me, please don't kill me. Well, that's sort of what happens, which is what's crazy is what happens next. Instead of that. Click here to see what happens next. After the jump. She starts asking if he's going to rape her? She's almost bargaining for it. Like, oh, you didn't come here to kill me?

Rather be raped than be killed. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. The line is more, it's not verbatim, but it's more like, I'd rather be raped every day for the rest of my life than be murdered by you. And it's this, by the way, because that's, that was my arrangement prior. It's a joke. This is a funny, this is a funny scene. We're supposed to be laughing our tits off.

Because that's, and like, yes, most people would say that, but that's not a comedy. That's not a comedy. Excuse me, I found it very funny. this movie is fucking hilarious first of all I'd like to put that out there I'm probably the funniest part of this movie the second funniest part is the fucking

rape scene in the pool oh wait there's no actual rape all right John Derek's a coward I never liked anything he ever directed it's fucking ridiculous oh so he's not the modern Chodorovsky oh man what a title no one would want

that's my autobiography for him it's like another you're going to say for you yourself no in which case it's an autobiography by the way everyone wringing their hands that somebody destroyed Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame you could just stop yeah we could all just stop excuse me that was private property

I own that belong to the mayor of Hollywood which is also me he's an honorable man big fan of mine by the way how much you think Martin Siddermax is kicking into that campaign. Which one? The Trump campaign. Oh yeah, I'm going to be

the fucking secretary of partying down. You're going to have so many tities at the White House. It's going to be so luxurious. We're going to have gold-plated tittyes. Donald. Donald. We're going to take those tities and we're going to dip them into gold. I don't care if it burns the women. Can I take pictures, Donald?

You can take as many pictures as he want. Your official White House photographer. Everything must be documented. The Lincoln bedroom. That's right. It's turned into the Lincoln Titty. Get some neon nighting in here. I don't see any neon lightning in it. America lives again, baby. I want you to put so many titties in those photos.

If I'm sitting down with my best pal, Vladimir Putin, there better be titties in the background. I will not look weak in front of the premiere of the Soviets' unions. Now I'm just picturing like the final photo. I don't care where you get them. They could be dead. I don't care. A good dead titty.

No, I'm picturing like the final photo from The Shining, but it's like Trump and Putin and just boobs. Someone's playing Scott Joplin or one of them there, old-timey musicians. Sure. Oh, mercy. So like this happens and then she gets the sleeping pills, but kind of just wakes up just in time. Just in time. She takes the pills and she pulls the guy into the pool too. Yeah.

That's fun. It's fun. And then it just cuts. and she's well no he says he says like i could give it to you as a suppository instead and then it cuts to her in bed with her butt in the air and she's loopy which i'm thinking they're implying that yeah they're not a stuffed crust pizza i don't think they're applying nothing i think those things right right up there hold on a second and you said stuffed pizza stuffed crust pizza is that what they call it what when you put a suppository in yeah yeah you

never heard of sleeping no is that a thing is that a Bill Cosbyism I'm making all of this okay I'm gonna say I don't think he's being honest you know what it sounds crazy enough it might be right

Chris Kavan was so heartbroken he's like I can never order Pizza Hut again it's over the love affair is over me and Pizza Hut broke up today no more diarrhea

no so she goes back and like she wins the business meeting mysteriously by the way those Hong Kong businessmen are not in attendance and it's just her and fucking sausage fingers.

And he's just like, we did a great job. I'm really impressed. And like, what are you taught? What business if this is how he actually does business, don't wonder he keeps fucking failing. And now that you know that, you've won the business and I've lost $900 billion.

But good news is I don't have to pay taxes for 20 years. It's kind of a win. Tell me, where did you get those stuff crust pizza suppositories? That sounds like, a great time. He did an ad for stuff, crust pizza.

Did he? Oh, I remember that. Yeah. It's fantastic. It's luxurious. I eat this with Martin Cinemax all the time. I will say that you shouldn't be allowed to be president if you've ever had

if you've ever had Pizza Hut, period. Ever endorsed Pizza Hut. Dude, all right, so invalid presidencies immediately. George W. Bush, Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton for fucking sure. Richard Nixon ever had fucking Pizza Hut. I got that shit out of here. I'm a fucking dominoes man.

It probably didn't exist, but sure. He was eating burger chef, dude. They got pizza hot in prison. They got pizza hut in hell. Those are his final words. You didn't know that? Well, that's all they have in hell is pizza hut. You're eating pizza hut 24-7.

And there's a fucking, there's only one bathroom in hell. That's the problem. Listen, unless Pizza Hut has heard this and wants to advertise on the show, then we'll do business. We'll say business and business will happen. Turns out Pizza Hut is totally delicious. I take back everything

we said about Pizza Hut. It's a marvelous organization. It's a greasy, greasy delight. Wing Street is also a brilliant idea. It's the same store, but you call it two different things to make you think it's two stores. You will be so luxuriously fat. You won't even know what zip code you're

in. You'll be like a glorified. is Roman Emperor, it'll be delicious. You will have the dampest, dampest farts. Hillary Clinton wants to have nothing but pizza huts next to Taco Bells, next to Kentucky Fried Chicken, open border fast food restaurant. I don't like those. I don't want a globalist empire inside.

I want pizza hut over here. I want a wall to the Taco Bell. You know what's most terrifying about those split stores like that? Is that that is somehow how you are able to get worse Pizza Hut. Well, because it's not the same grill as a fucking chalupa, man. Like, it's not, those things aren't meant to be near each other. Well, also, and, like, not that there was that much, you know, options to begin with, but the variety is cut down in half too.

Yeah, exactly. I think in Midtown, there's, like, a Tim Horton's KFC and Pizza Hut together, and it's just like, that's the nexus of town. Well, there's some monster in Penn Station. Oh, dude, just don't go. Penn Station is. It's like Nathan's, Tim Hortons, and a Pizza Hut. It should be against the law to consume food inside Penn Station.

Could you imagine eating Pizza Hutton washing it down with a cup of Tim Horton's coffee? Just do it on the... Just wear a diaper and do it. And then you're just going to get your bed. And then you call 911. I did it again. Please help me. I did it again.

He was weak. He did it again. You're just there and Hellraiser shows up. Detective Hello there Pinhead Thank you for coming You're now my sec death

All right So then he leaves the movie Congratulations Yeah then exactly forever Yeah and so she goes back to She wins the business Winston's really impressed He's like congratulations

You won business He's so impressed He's hard as a rock He's like let's go back to Sri Lanka And get this shit going Let's definitely dance. We're dancing on the docks again. So she goes back to Sri Lanka.

There is some sort of, I mean, like, and the problem with this movie is it viewers very, it really wants, it's sad because it really wants to be a, globe-trotting adventure. The thing that the most annoying part of this movie is it wants to be a Blake Edwards movie, which is really sad. That's a good call.

Which is where Boderick got her kind of start, right? 10. 10, yeah. So, like, there's like wacky bits, like, where she's dancing on the dock right now. And she's like, oh, what's his face? Anthony Quinn never let me dance because he was John Lickland. But loose.

Never let me dance. Because, yeah, that's like eating quiche, right, Chris? Yeah. It's what soft men allow. God, I hate this fictional character. But she's dancing. And then Anthony Good's like, oh, if you're dancing like that, I'll dance with you all another, baby.

And he's dancing in this fucking airport parking lot, wherever the fuck he is. The camera's not moving. They're not doing different shots. So he's just kind of like going back. back and forth towards the cameras. It's so fucking embarrassing. I got some hard dick dancing. And then Winston is just on the end of the boat, like, dancing by himself.

Well, yeah, speaking of hard dick dancing. So it's Winston, he's dancing. Then he got this mayor or whoever that, like, Anthony Quinn's character was friends with or something. Sure. This dude's just sitting there. He's a big fat guy. He's, like, fanning himself, like, watching this dance. And then you got this priest character.

This reverent who's getting mighty mad that she's doing sexy dancing. He eventually turns off the radio and calls her the devil or has the, she's got the devil inside of her. And it's like, the Blake Edwards bit, right? He's like, oh, I'm a flustered. But Jesus, this is not fucking funny at all. But also, it's a 1983 music video. Yeah.

She's both like she dances around and blows the top of some preacher. We're getting hot for teacher right about now. Hot for preacher, yeah. Oh, bravo. She does a, there's like a flash dance gag because she pulls a thing and water falls on her, but there's so much water she falls over. That's humorous. You can see more of me now. What's so funny, though, is like, I've seen this twice now.

Neither time did I ever think that they were trying to be funny with any of this. Like, you're totally right. But this is supposed to be a comedy. It is supposed to be a comedy. Which is just crazy. It's also supposed to be a movie. Yes. which is also crazy. Good point, Eric.

So crazy. You would think they would want to make a movie. But no, most of this is just nonsense. No, I don't know what this was. So the next phase of this movie is two ladies come in from Australia, I guess. Sure. Sabine the White Witch and somebody else. And Emma Frost, the White Queen.

Killer Frost, you mean? And it's like a weird, like, they're just like on this train and they're talking about like Beau Derrick's mysterious life or whatever I think that they're trying to buy the jewels or they want to see the jewels This is what's weird

is I thought at first that they were like her best gal pals like coming for a weekend in Sri Lanka but it's like they're two complete strangers I guess she put up

an ad somewhere that was like hey I'm selling all my fun jewelry because they're coming to Sri Lanka to like appraise this jewelry collection

got a quick billion yeah it's so weird so much of this is tax dodging you know what I mean like we're never in the United the state's proper because heaven forbid just in that Wyoming ranch that I'm sure has some pretty

sweet security around it some wolves he's reading books about wolves for some reason well because that's what a man does that's what a man outdoors of the wild and up though that's that's how that works is all of your ill gotten funds trickled that from you get in sri lanka trickle down to to main street right that's how it happens every time so Reagan planned it Trumped up, trickle-down economics. Crickets. There's one for the opposing team. Yeah, yeah, we're equal opportunity.

No, we're not. Equal opportunity offenders. Listen, the election is next week, right? Yeah. So, you know, vote your conscience. I'll quote Ted Cruz on that. As you often do. I often do.

Speaking of Ted Cruz, by the way, I had another mysterious Ted Cruz possible. sighting. I saw that... Not actually him, but I went to a screening today. I saw that new movie Jackie. You were sitting in a drive-in movie theater with your girlfriend, your best girl, and some guy in a black pillow case tried to kill you. Dude, he came up and he shot my best girl in the fucking head. It was crazy. You tied you up and then like stabbed in your leg. Dude, I tried crawling away. He shot me in the spine. He actually asked me to tie myself up. It was so weird. Mr. Sandman

was playing on the radio. I'm sorry. No, I saw the new, the Pablo Lorraine movie Jackie with Natalie Portman, and there's a guy playing like a JFK aide in the movie. Dude, it looks like fucking Ted Cruz. Like a younger Ted Cruz. I was like, is that supposed to be Raphael Cruz? What with the connection to the assassin?

This is a trigger man. Trigger man. Raphael Cruz, trigger man. So, like, these women are coming and the ideas we're going to move these jewels. She greets them while riding an elephant, by the way. Very well-mannered elephant

This example of white decadent This is a part of the movie That it's like begging you to check out I might have kind of checked out a little bit Oh I totally checked out too It's so hard to watch Dude I got I'll be quite frank I got up and fucking went and took a dump

In the middle of this movie Sure Oh that pizza hut's got to go somewhere It certainly does Think the movie is like what 94 minutes something to that effect. I paused it at one point

and there was 37 minutes left. I yelled audibly, not any word, but just a guttural like sound of anguish knowing that I had 37 more minutes. That's what happens, dude. That's what happens.

So they're buying this, they're here to appraise this jewelry. Fausto shows back up. He's like, hey, I remember me, I'm back in the movie. And he's like, kill him. Kill him now. My ghost dick is so.

Because he has to enter his body at the moment of death. Moment of death. Very important details. So in order to make this happen, hey everybody, let's play some baseball. I guess it's cricket maybe? No, it's definitely just baseball. Yeah, I thought it was cricket too.

I was like, oh, this is neat. No, they're just definitely playing baseball. So, like, it's during this baseball game that Bo Derek is talking to this woman and she's like, oh, yeah, don't mind me. Like, I'm just talking to my dad. dead husband and she like doesn't blink and is like oh that's cool is he here now oh yeah yeah he's right there we've been talking blah blah blah and she's like oh that's interesting you know because I'm a witch and all a white white wish you're like wait wow what what I mean ghosts fine

Donald Trump fine now a white witch is involved no Donald Trump was the last straw yeah you introduce that I'm ready for anything I have no more straws to get you have a minotar coming in here great let's see it that minotaur is a fucking weak pussy Let's see him try to get through a wall Let's just see him try to get over my wall I feed him at cards and I fucked his wife I'll say it I'll say it I fucked his wife

I fucked that minotaur's wife and his fucking stupid horse legs I went through his maze which was dumb I bought her a barco loungeer she loved it Terrible maze the worst maze You want a good maze you come to the lobby of Trump Tower I'll tell you why You won't find your way out of there

It's my tower I don't even know where I'm going You get to the middle of that maze there's a delicious taco salad waiting for you it's fucking decadent decadent decadent taco salad bigly did I beat that maze I bigly beat it and I am the champion I already won I have the most bigley hands you'll ever see I bigly beat him just like my favorite actor Ed Bigley Jr. Even though that leftist stuff he pulls sometimes really steams me that Tom Hanks is okay too I liked him in that movie Bigley

when he's a little boy that becomes bigly and then he tries to have sex with women which I appreciate. I love that movie where the little kid inherits a baseball organization Little Bigley Oh Lord I love Werner Herzog Strozek

because it shows how great capitalism can be and how we have to crush these foreign rats It's also got a dancing chicken And I got to tell you that chicken dances fabulously I love that fucking strozing chicken I love it, it's the best I would vote for that for president Can't believe I lost to a fucking dancing chicken

Rigged, it was rigged Especially because he was for the communist party Oh man, yeah that dancing chicken was a communist Defeated by a communist chicken It was definitely rigged By crooked chicken Bunch of hens Bunch of hens against me

they don't want a cock like me in the White House I'll tell you I'll believe me they don't they don't believe me whatever they say is wrong it's false accuses they would those hands would bigly regret it if I got in there I'm pretty sure if the Republican Party elected a dancing chicken which they might still Newt Gingrich would fucking fight tooth and nail

for that chicken's honor I think honestly I was riding in the car with the chicken he was great he's really smart he really he really danced around Hillary. The witch has nothing to do, but she's just a witch. She's like friendly. It's one person who doesn't think she's crazy.

But nobody gives a shit that she's crazy, though, so it doesn't matter. We realize that Fausto is actually an evil guy, which is really setting up his death. It's like he's working with the mayor, I guess, because they want these Jewel. Yeah, they're going to rob that fishbowl. Sure. That's part of the movie. It's a weird thing that's hanging from your roof. But then it's weird because I think the mayor is like on to the whole thing.

Because doesn't the mayor then have Fausto arrested? No, the mayor's, it's a phony arrest. And then he like springs him out of it or something. Oh, man, it's all charade. The last scene, one of the last scenes is, um, Anthony Quinn is like, you gotta kill Fausto tonight. I got my dick all ready to go. And Julian Newmore's like, just go to hell already.

And he's like, no, no, I want to fuck this lady. So like, he's like, you gotta do it. She won't do it. She like tells him to go fucking screw finally, right? Yeah, they have a big ghost. person fight. Fausto shows up. She's got this thing

a rat poison, so on, so forth. She doesn't get to do it. She doesn't try to kill him. She does, but then she can't do it. She hits him

over the head with a club or something? Yeah, and then the poison's there, but she can't do it and she can't shoot him because she's not a murderer, I guess. Yeah, she doesn't want to kill somebody.

Listen, Anthony Quinn's yelling like, shoot him, shoot him. It's like, what? You want to possess his body? Yeah, with one between the eyes? How's that going to work?

Also, don't you? I mean, like, around, this is a murder. If he comes back, I'm a sex zombie. Attempted murder at the very least. I have no

head, but I've got to dig. I mean, even if it was a thing where it's like we're going to give a bunch of rat poison, he'll die, and then you can go in his body, that rat poison's still kicking around in there. Hey, Mobu, I got to call you real quick, because honestly, this is not the sex zombie I wanted, y'all.

He sounds exactly like Anthony Quinn. I get over here, your wily little Jeffredomber. That's, that's real turnoff for me. That's him. You can hear him in the background. Mobu, I gotta tell you, this is not as the manual instructed. Give me that out of an ass, Jeff.

So she doesn't kill him. This is when he gets arrested because they're like, arrest that man. He was trying to steal the Jewel. It's like a home invasion at this point. But also, wonderfully, Anthony Quinn calls a quits. Like, he's like, fuck it. And like, I'm going to go to hell then. Finally. I believe.

I'm going to tell you this now. I believe this is the first ghost saxophone outro. You're probably right on that. I think I'm right on this. I can't be, you know, I have a lot more research to do. But, you know, I'm pretty sure on this one. You know what? A good place to start is probably IMDB plot keywords, ghost saxophone.

Ghost sacks. That's right next to Dead Woman with Eyes open. Is that In Visitor Q2? Yeah, there's a lot of ghost saxophones in that movie. So the next day they're still fighting, sort of, I think. Like, they're trying to say goodbye, but she's like, oh, no, I missed my shot. Now I got to kill this guy. So, like, she has no backbone whatsoever.

Yep, yep, exactly right. And, but he's left, like, he, she goes to the jail. He's not there. And then she realizes the mayor was in on it or whatever the fuck. It is so unclear. I've seen this movie twice. Both times I was Stone Cold Sober, which is a huge mistake I realize. But it makes no sense.

All of a sudden, this big fat guy is just like, what do you want from me? You're like, what? Well, the best part is, and it's probably my favorite line. Well, my favorite line reading. And when she goes, because she's like, you know, this is it. He's not going to come back. So she's like, shaking the mayor.

And she's like, I'm going to beat you up. And he's like, oh, be me up. Oh, right. See, I guarantee you what's happening right now in this movie is, everyone involved is like everyone's already jerked off by now. Cooler heads are prevailing. The noon day sun has passed.

We just need 20 more minutes and whatever works. We'll just get out of here. Yeah, that makes sense. I think that's what's happening. So basically, she finds out that... Oh, beat me up. He wasn't in the prison at all. So she goes to find him and he like drowned

just unceremoniously. I think that's the mayor taken care of it. Oh, loose ends. Because they're like, oh, no. we found a body stuck in the oyster nets. Oh, so the Vince Foster situation is what you're saying. That's right. That's exactly right.

Another one for the conservative fan. Everybody thinks that he was found shot to death in a car. He was actually drowned in an oyster net. I've got the fucking documents to prove that. That's right. What we say on this show on infowars.com, Donald Trump repeats a week later. The Clinton body count,

infoplanet.com, prison. you're now doing reads for him i hope you know well thank god it's all fake websites even his own website's a fake website no i'm actually getting my i'm getting my uh correspondence degree at prison planet prison planet dot edu oh weird dude i got accepted to an info pickle uh university last week actually it's crazy that's excellent so he's

oh beat me up so he's dead and she's like and like And then it goes like, I can't do nothing. I miss the moment of death. What the fuck? Never going to fuck again. What's it going to happen? So the weird thing is we've been told it's the moment of death, the moment of death. I walked in on the snuff film and I missed the moment of death, Martin.

You're going to have to get another reel and start running it. Take it back because I need to watch the moment of death. Is he up there? Is he up there? Hello? Hello? If he's not up there, get him out of here. Get him out of this country and get a racist white man, maybe a David.

Duke to screen my snuff films. Only David Duke runs projection equipment for me. 1999, a younger Donald Trump sits down to 8mm in the theater. Wrong. Wrong. It's not it. That's not how it goes down. This is totally inaccurate. This movie's a bunch of bull.

Gandalfini is excellent as always. Wrong. You want to see a good snuff film movie. You watch the prophecy. I knew that guy. I dodged the draft personally. I knew that guy, that evil military man that had the snuff films. We used to...

Well, actually, if you want to know, most accurate, most accurate, David Kronenberg's videodrome. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. Most accurate depiction I've seen thus far. In the history of American Canadian cinema, when I go to the gym, I keep my shirt on

because I watch the videotrome movie and I have a stomach vagina, but nobody needs to know that but me. I paid top dollar for that stomach vagina, puts James Woods to shame. James Woods is a coward compared to my stomach vagina. I only use golden VHS tapes and golden dildos the most exurious sex toys you could find

in my stomach vagina. In my stomach China. So she breathes, she resuscitates him mouth to mouth. And that allows Anthony Quinn, which is the worst, the creepiest thing in the world. It's this young guy just talking like Anthony Quinn. It's dubbed. It's so terrible.

But it doesn't make any sense, though. We used to do this in the 80s, though. Superman, a prime example. Young Clark Kent has, like, Christopher Reeves' voice for no reason. It's very terrifying. But this doesn't make any sense, though, because it's supposed to be the moment of death, not the moment of CPR resuscitation. Or maybe, like, he comes back and goes away, like, kind of a thing.

Yeah, like that comes back and then she fucking beats him over the head with a conch shell. That's kind of what happens. It's so weird. But then, yeah, this guy just sits up looking all like Kyle McLaughlin's stunt double, And he's just like, eh. So what? So let's dance. Yeah.

And he just sounds like an old, he sounds like a 70-year-old heavy smoker. And it's just so disturbing. It just makes me think of the Exorcist. Yeah. Like it really does. Yeah. It sucks in hell, Karras. The whole time was like, oh, no.

During the whole movie, I was puking green blood. I was going to say, you know, the suggestion, I think the second to last scene is they're actually in the haystacks. having sex and she's like writhing away like oh i've had to your dick is too much and your sex is too much i actually think that she saw the chest vagina right and was scared of death never they didn't have sex once oh yeah that could be i think that's why she's i think actually this movie might have been written by a man uh no period dude it's well first of all it's a christian man because they get they run to a chapel to get married. And then we're fucking

in this horse barn and she's just got straw all over her ass. All she talks about is how great is dick is he gonna keep doing this? Is this like his M.O.? Are they gonna live

to like 2045 kind of a thing? Or 2004, who knows? How many times they both can do this now? Like that's Ed and Lorraine Warren stop them. That'd be a good sequel. Right?

Dude, the Warrens versus Bo Derek and her ghost husband? Yeah, it's like Tron, the next movie. It's like a super future. That's, I mean, they need to have that conversation. Like, so what happens when you get old? Well, and then like, you know, some assistant walks by or something. Yeah.

Cut to freeze frame maybe. We could have like a Blade Runner type of scenario where there's like a dude that's assigned to like kill ghosts that have possessed people's bodies instead of replicants. Oh, that would be pretty weird. It turns out like, it's like, oh, wait, am I a ghost? too. Ghost Runner. Yeah. It'd be pretty awesome. There you go. Sci-Fi channel. Give us a ring.

No one's giving us a ring. No, no. My phone isn't ring. My phone never rings. Never, never, never. By the way, he does have a line in the barn. Like, she's rolling over like, my God, I can't get fucked anymore. And he like peers over a haystack and goes, prepare to die. And I was like, get fucked to death?

Like, what are you saying that? That's all this guy cares about. It's not like, oh, now we can go back and read the books together. Like, no, no. It's all worshipping his manhood and how scary it is. And then, you know, we're coming full circle because this is good storytelling. We're back to just riding horses in the snow. This dude falls off the horse, much like Anthony Quinn does at the beginning of the movie.

We have a big chuckle, freeze frame by John Terry. She pays him a compliment. That's the last thing that has. happens. I call him the great one at least one more time. No, handsome. Talk says, oh, you're so handsome. Now you're finally handsome. You're not a fucking wretched old man. Great. You don't look like my Greek uncle.

And it ends. And in the credits, it literally, because again, we're like Blake Edwards' territory. It says, and yes, that really was Donald Trump. I mean, this movie is full of fun credits. IMDB calls those crazy credits, Andrew? I call them in my notes cute credits. Okay. So we got another cute credit right at the start. It says they're crediting some dude who's playing like the priest or something.

It says, Jerry Spence, who taught us about wetsuits? And then yes, that really was Donald Trump. And then this is great because this is just like, this isn't credits. This is just, it's just this guy writing notes to his friends. A thank you note. It says, thank you, Eduardo and Moshe. You were a great pleasure. What are you, what?

There's another one that's like We couldn't have done this without you And then comes a bunch of other names Like what, what are you doing? Cocaine. She is on cocaine this whole movie. Everybody would have to be. That wasn't snow.

I mean, I wouldn't want to know where I was If I was making this movie, man. I think Anthony Quinn's more the PCP crowd. Oh, you think so? Yeah, I don't think he's so cosmopolitan. So he was doing a bunch of PCP in that used car lot in Virginia where they filmed his scenes? And he was the one who demanded the costume changes. I have to do a bunch of special K in this Burger King bathroom.

We could just do it back here with the black curtain here. I'm in a utility closet in the Bloomingdale. All right, let's make a movie. It's such a bad. decision like why would you not have him just haunting her in the frame yeah do do that thing where he's like sort of transparent like the oldest trick in the ever loving book and it's like he's he's like talking at this dude but like the guy's ignoring him you never see them in a shot together no because he's driving in front of a fucking curtain the whole movie it's driving me nuts

would anybody recommend this trash no no no no no no no Chris Gavin? I'm a little on the fence. Come on. Let's hear him out. The singing is believing track. Okay. Yeah.

That's the only way. Yeah, yeah. I mean, if you have the curiosity for what you just heard about, sure. I would say go right ahead. I think Chris is talking to the Cinnamax crowd.

Yes. I would not recommend it. You're doing it. You're doing it. Oh, no. I see it. I see it.

It's like a seeing is believing. It is, but like it's so. I mean, you don't have to watch the whole movie. You don't have to watch the whole movie. Get to see Donald Trump pretend like he's an actor in this movie. It doesn't matter if they finish as long as I finish. Just watch my scenes.

They're the best scenes in the movie by far. That John Derek, he was a total fucking joke. I directed those scenes. You know, I tried to classily ask him if I may have Beau. Classily ask him. I tried to be a gentleman about the situation. You know, he doesn't know how to talk about money. Everything I do is dripping.

class but like the Trump shit aside you have to see how they conduct this ghost business I've never seen anything like it

that's fair I remember the first time like Chris recommended this movie on the whole idea of like Donald Trump is in the movie talking absolute nonsense

for more than a cameo I mean Donald Trump ghosts I'm already there but when I turned it on and I realized like he's standing in front of this curtain

and it's cutting to her talking to the sky. It's, I mean, it's something. It's irritatingly something. I think the guy from the Razies said it was one of his favorites. Oh, right. This racked up

a ton of raspberries for Arnold W. Rasm. Oh, my God. That movie was great. Trump 2016. It also I'm so tired of all these people outsourcing bad movie jobs. We took his jobs.

We did. It's also inexplicably just received a fucking Blu-ray release. What? How do you do that? Who needs this in 1080? I bet you. I tell you who needs that run to an AP for K, baby. You know what the P stands for for 1080P.

It's not what you think. What is it? What does it stand for? We're all dripping with suspense. Peanuts. There's 10,000. There's a, wait. No, there's a thousand and 80 people.

That's Ghost Kit, do it. From 1989, directed by John Derek. If you want more We Hate Movies, check out WHMpodcast.com or find us over at Sideshownetwork.tv. Like us on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter. Right into the mailbag.

We all hate movies at gmail.com. Tpublic.com slash user slash we hate movies. Check out our merch store. Or just go straight to deviant. WHMpodcast.com, click on shop. The holidays are coming. They're right around the corner. It's the holiday season.

Well, whoopty-do, Steve. Get your friends and loved ones and we hate movies merch. You're getting a piece of coal and you're going to fucking like it. And remember America next week, go to the polls. Vote, vote, vote, vote. You got to do that. Well, the earnest poll ended. Well, no, no, the other one.

The less important election. Yes, as you put it, the other vote. I forgot about the. Yeah, yeah. We got the important one. out of the way. We know which is the best earnest movie. I had a feeling it was jail from the beginning. I thought so, too.

Lock her up. That's one for the other side of the aisle. There you go. So next week on the program, if we haven't been snuffed out by our next president. Chris Cabin, what is it? Don't tell her it's me. Also known as the boyfriend's school. Also known as

Steve Gutenberg pretending he's a New Zealander. Oh, hey, I have that to look forward to. And I'm sure it's flawless. So until next week, where we're getting uncomfortable with Steve Gutenberg. I'm Andrew Jupin. Chris Cabin. Stevenson.

Eric Sisker. Take it easy. Go vote. We all go a little mad sometimes. You know, it's Halloween. I guess everyone's a title of one good scare. Sometimes. That is better.

Zombies have entered the building. They're at the door. They're coming in It is time To keep your appointment With the Wicca Land They're coming to get you, Barbara He's sick for fucks

He's even one too many movies Now sit, don't you blame the movies Movies don't create psychos Movies make psychos For a creator Put the fucking looser in the bad What an excellent day for an exorcism.