We Hate Movies - S7 Ep273: Episode 273 - Don't Tell Her It's Me

Episode Date: November 8, 2016

On this week's show, the gang goes back to Rom-com Land to talk about the totally insane, and genuinely creepy, Don't Tell Her It's Me! Also known as The Boyfriend School, the gang tears apart the film by asking such questions as: what's with the wardrobe at this romance novel convention? Why did Guttenberg's character pick the mullet? And does the creator of Ziggy have a case here? PLUS: Is that picture of the fat twins on motorcycles one of the greatest photos of the twentieth century? Don't Tell Her It's Me stars Steve Gutenberg, Shelley Long, Jami Gertz, Kyle MacLachlan, and Mädchen Amick; directed by Malcolm Mowbray.Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Now on today's program, we're talking about one of the creepiest films of all time. I'm not going to use the spectacular theme song, but it almost qualified. It's called Don't Tell Her. It's me. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Zeta. Chris Cabin. Eric Sisker. And we hate movies.

Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies on the Side Show Network. Thank you for tuning in to the program, as always, this week. Like we said at the top of the show, don't tell her, it's me, aka what? The boyfriend's school. For a second, I think you were looking for a title. that would describe this like the lonely rapist or Mark DePloss's creep It's from 1990 directed by a fella

named Malcolm Mowbray This is a Steve Guttenberg vehicle And Shelley Long's riding shotgun With Jamie Gertz Gertz Bernie Gets's daughter Oh yeah that's right The Subway Avenger

Excuse me Daughter of subway avenger. I wish her dad is Bernie gets to fucking straighten this guy out. Straighten him right out. But only if he takes the subway. That's only where vengeance is taken. And he's African American, obviously. Yeah, that's how Bernard sought.

Well, you also got Kyle McLaughlin. Yeah. And he got his Twin Peaks co-star Matchen Amic. There's an extra that looks a lot like Tim Conway coming up. That's true. That was a sweet find. Oh, and Sparkle Motion for a scene. Oh, yeah, whatever that was a disturbing scene.

Yeah, yeah. Well, so let's get into it. This is a, it's a rom-com of sorts in where Shelley Long is a romance novelist and her brother, Steve Gutenberg, is recently recovering from a bout with cancer. With Hodgkins. And, yeah, she hatches quite a disgusting plan to get him laid possibly for the first. criminal i would say criminal it's a criminal enterprise yeah yeah yeah criminal enterprise she could totally press charges at the end of this easily in a nutshell and she should in a nutshell this this is an entire movie this is a feature length film made out of that last bit in revenge of the nerds when the

dudes pretending to be someone else well he's not pretending to be darth vader yes he is what she was dating Darth Vader. Oh, she thought she was going to have sex with David Prowse and if he turned out to him this guy? Man, how disappointing when he doesn't, he can't do the voice. Yeah, I mean, that's the question.

If you want to fuck Darth Vader, ladies and gentlemen, we'll go around the horn here. Yeah. Would you rather fuck, not would you rather, would you be better served having sex with David Prowse or James L. Jones? In phone sex, we know where we're going. James Earl Jones.

I feel like that's also, you want to have sex with someone for the story. I think that also. Jamesville Jones is a story. No one would care that you fucked David Browes. They'd say who? Yeah, exactly.

But you tell someone you fuck James Earl Jones. Like, wow, you fuck James Earl Jones. You took all of that. What? Wow. I mean, you're right. Chris Cabin, this is a family show. And that's one demerit.

To merit. Oh, Lord. Yeah, because what? what this movie is as Steve Gutenberg pretends to be someone else and under that guys has sexual intercourse with Jamie Gertz. Yep. And ruins her life for approximately four and a half minutes. So, but we, we open, uh, in South Carolina. Charleston. We've got a, my least favorite kind my, my, no, that's not true. One of my least favorite kinds of opening is a fake, a fake, fake movie. Fake movie. But this is a, is this the story I'm trying to tell? No, it's this one. Oh, that's

actually wait it's that all right because they do the narrator yeah they do the rewind sound effect and it's like no no i was just writing my romance novel she's like we open on a doc no we open it a big mansion and it rewind why does it have to rewind just i'll tell you why because later in this movie turns out she has a recorder oh oh wait this this whole movie was inside the recorder yeah and that whole recorder was inside the mind of tommy west It is oddly reminiscent of Christopher Nolan's inception. Yeah. Yeah, there's a lot of nods to don't tell her it's me in Christopher Nolan's inception.

It's a shame your kid can't talk. I wonder how many television shows and movies are going on inside that snowblower. You ever look at the chart of that? Oh, it's like every day. It's fucking impressive. That kid is creative. That kid's won a lot. lot of Emmys.

So yeah, we open with a that cuts into, it's a, Shelley Long, you find out that she's a romance novelist. We cut to a cartoon opening, ladies and gentlemen, that's what we want.

That's what you want. This cartoon is, so Steve Gutenberg is like an illustrator. He's fat, too. Well, yeah. He's a great big fat guy. But this is like,

we were saying this, but we're watching it. The drawing suggests that the genius is behind Ziggy have a case against this movie. Easily. Because the Goot's like character that he draws or whatever is kind of

just Ziggy. It's a big round It's like it's like Ziggy but it's kind of like more towards like a Kirby jiggly puff-esque shape. If Ziggy was more you know human sized. Yeah. I mean he

is he's like a human-sized Ziggy. Wait is Ziggy famously like Is he tiny? I always thought of him at compact he's like barely i don't know you guys you know i don't know the ziggie comic book that you guys read but i know which calendar you're getting for christmas does he like shrink down and like go through keyholes and he's getting a new adventure no man no no no what is what he's he's just making a bunch of cute observations yeah he's just like a grocery store oh whoops but then he meets hank pym and then it all goes hey ziggie i'm hank pym you want a suit i can sell

Yeah. Hold on a second. I just got to smack this. Oh, my wife. Well, that's with the comic books, right? Yes. Yes. That's not Michael Douglas. No, that's not him laying in waste to Catherine Zeta Jones. He actually pleasureed her famously to the point of cancer to bring it around to this. I fucked her till I almost killed myself. Um, so, yeah, so he's drawn these little Ziggy cartoons. We meet him. And this is, this is the goot. He's, He's overweight, and he's also been receiving chemotherapy. Yeah. And this makeup that they got him, and he looks like Jason Vorty's.

He really does, because he's like, there's some of the reminiscence, like the hair is hanging on. Remnants of his once great goot fro that he always has. But it's like these long, it's like a bald head with just some long pieces of hair here and there. And he looks like Jason Roehees. He really does. You know what? Actually, kind of more accurately, in Friday 4, when Cory Feldman shaves his head. Like very, very swiftly.

When he does an impromptu Jason Cosplay real quick. Yeah, that's kind of closer. You know what? Maybe Steve Gutenberg's playing Tommy Jarvis. Oh, wow. Because he kind of goes crazy at the end of five. They kind of got rid of that, though, right? Was that him in that?

Yeah, it was. Yeah, he wants to be Jason. Yes. He runs off to South Carolina and then he decides to get cancer. Well, yeah. He walks up as a son. And then he decides to, I guess, kind of like, he's pulling a con. It's a con job is what we're dealing with here.

So Shelly Long, we open on Shelley Long coming to his house. He's eating a bunch of hungry man dinners. And the weird thing is, like, his head is, because they didn't actually buy a fat suit. They just bought, like, fat makeup to put around his head. So it's like roundish. But, like, he's still skinny Steve Goonberg. He looks like Vincent Price playing the Eggman in the, in the, in the Batman, the original series?

He just, he does look like a boiled egg. That was the first thought I, when I saw him, I was like, it's like a, yeah, you know, it's like a Christopher Lloyd Fester Adams situation. And again, we're not making fun, I want to be clear, we're not making fun of cancer victims. We're making fun of bad makeup and movies. Yeah, of course, everybody knows that. I hope so. Yeah.

I don't worry about it. We're all right. We're all right. We're all right. So she's like criticizing him, like, eating all this food and it's like, dude, be thankful he's he's got an appetite. What are you even doing right now? I think he's just in remission at the beginning of the film.

Like, it's just over. Like, yesterday he's like, he's still taking, like, medicine. She's, like, bringing him medicine. I think it's supposed to be, like, the last batch or whatever it is. And she's got to get back on the horse. Yeah, she's like, okay, the last pills have been down. Now let's get it wet. And you're like, wait.

Wait, he's just getting over cancer. And you, his sister, are super concerned about him having sex. That's what this movie is. She needs to go. Guide it right in there. Just guide it in there. Well, because she knows romance. She wrote the book.

I mean, he needs rest. Like, just stop. Stop fucking telling him to go. All these. He's fine. Let him sleep a little bit more. And then like two weeks, two, maybe a month. I would say, even a couple of months.

I mean, like that on the horse. You know, you get some movies going. Maybe you start going out. You go to the diner for lunch. That's like a big outing. That's a big step. Being outside for me. more than three hours at a time, sure.

You ever have a surgery? You're like, oh, man, I can you go out today? This is exciting. Yeah. It's not like, well, when are you going to fuck? Excuse me, sir. When are you going to fuck? And that person saying, excuse me, sir, is your older sister? Ew. Question. Yeah. Because we find this out later. We don't find this out later, actually. It's an open, uh, ended question. Well, you know, that's the, the ambiguity of don't tell her. It's me

is what makes this such a classic. Is he a virgin? No. you don't think so i don't think so i think he is i think so too i think we have no evidence to the contract i'm curious i think i mean because i feel like i kind of feel like you would have to make a point of saying that okay that's fair you would have to make a point of being like it's my first time i don't want to do it right after i had cancer well also to be fair we talked over a lot of this move yeah we could have missed something also i'm imagining that your older sister wouldn't be so committed to your to getting you laid if you didn't have a severe problem well here is where

i think that i think that comes from her trying to escape her um awful awful family oh let's get i think that's more of this marriage is hanging on by a thread and i think she's getting a little thrill out of uh living through his his thing cancer ridden bot it's really weird it's really really fucking weird this is an odd film this is an off and also we should say that this is a impossible to find. I didn't know that. It is so the, I went on Amazon and a freaking DVD at this point used DVD $78. Just I want to, I want to message that person on the internet and be like, why? What, what makes you justify that price?

Because there's only five left in the world. I kind of want to message that person myself and say, sold. I got the work printerick if you want to. Oh, really? Wow, does that have like the temp music That they borrowed from other movies And Dr. Loomis dies in the end of this one And it's got like it's filmed in a stairway

Like down the TV is at the bottom of the steps The cameras at the top of the steps It's really good I would take a bootleg of this movie This is sick boot What? A sick boot Get it on the boot

Yeah Is that an expression? Is that a popular term? Yeah, it's derived from bootleg Okay Well You don't ever hit the boot? Get it on the boot?

No Wow, wow Where are you from? New York. You got to get out more. Literally an hour from you. Well, clearly what you guys are saying is an Albany experience. Of course.

It's more of a Utica saying. So she's just, yeah, she's up his ass. And he's like, lady, would you stop? Then we meet Jamie Gertz. Right. She's a writer. Yeah, like, well, I guess a reporter. Journalist, yeah.

No, let's not get nuts. It's for this local paper. What's it called? The grackle? The grackle. The grackle. I love that. Do you get Sports Jeopardy on that?

Yeah, I was going to say, does it stream Joe Dirt too? Yeah, get it on grackle. So the grackle is like the local newspaper in this Charles, Charleston, South Carolina. I don't know if it's modeled off of a real paper. Looks abandoned from the outside. I mean, yeah, it looks like the town burned down yesterday. It's really weird. And I don't know if this was filmed on location because Charleston, South Carolina itself is a very nice town.

But this looks like a fucking, it looks like a, like, like, like, uh, like, uh, a, Don Johnson and a boy in his dog. You remember that movie? A post-apocalyptic film? That movie's also, I think, centers around getting laid a little bit as well. Yeah, it's him and a talking dog, and he's going around having sexual intercourse.

Don Johnson, not the talking dog. Yes. Thank God. Yeah. Talking dogs is there, though. He's got some things. You want to see a talking dog try to get laid. You got to watch Food Fight.

Yeah. Oh, that's right. Or Jerry Lee and he doesn't talk. Oh, right. K-9. He doesn't have to talk. Chris Cabin, what are some other movies where dogs have?

have sex. Talks have sex. Hooch. Turner and Hooch. Turner and Hooch. Yeah. Bingo. Bingo.

Yeah. Bingo gets it wet. That's right. Wait, is any of those mutts at Homeward Bound? No, those films are marred with too much

tragedy. I believe the, the, is Robert Redford Golden Retriever is like romancing a lady dog in the second one in San Francisco. Oh, okay.

Robert Redford's not doing the voice of that dog? Who is doing the dog? The dog from, in the first movie, I believe it was Don Amici. Oh.

And then he bit it. R-I-D. Yeah. Lady in the Tramp. Yeah, that's a famous one where that's like the top dog sex movie. That's a top. There's that whorehouse scene in Milo and Otis. Oh, right.

They get that money. Oh, and Otis's old man like takes him to the, yeah. Oh, and we're forgetting the biggest one, Beethoven's second. Oh, right. Did you know, apparently in Milo and Otis, they abused those animals nonstop? Oh, did they really? I read about that. Wow.

Oh, what, making the movie? Yeah. Like, I think there were, they went through a couple of animals. Oh, no, there were several O-Tai? Yeah, I think it's not an American movie. No, I think it was Japan or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's a tragedy.

Yeah, I heard they killed a ton. Oh, man. You think Dudley Moore was behind that? Like, that dog keeps stepping on my lines. Get him. Was he in that movie? He does the voice, I think, of Otis, or of Milo. One of them.

I don't remember that one of them. I don't think he's the voice of a cat. from here and there while I talk. He's doing it wrong. Kill him. What is he looking at? Daily? Yeah, I know. He's around the world recording in a sound booth. That dog can't get that can open.

You've got to kill him. That's actually, at one point, Dudley Moore was controlling Hollywood, and he could pick up a phone and tell anyone to kill a dog. Between Penn and Arthur, oh, yeah. Whatever he wants. That was the sweet spot for laying down a dog murder request. Oh, whatever. So, yeah, she's a writer for this paper.

Her boss, by the way, her sexy boss, Kyle McLaughlin. He's doing it for me. I got to say, absolutely. Wearing the most ridiculous sunglasses I've ever seen. Oh, yeah, those are something else. Every outfit he's in is ridiculous. It's pretty great. I mean, for this dude, the 80s have not ended.

This movie's 1990, so, like, we're making this movie in the 80s, but you can tell this particular kind of guy, let the 80s just slide right towards like 95. He's having a good time, man. Let it ride. Totally. These sunglasses in particular are straight out of fucking wild, wild west. Because they've got like side panels.

Yeah, which are normally reserved for old people while driving. Or people in the post-apocalypse. Or that. Yeah, a boy and his dog. Oh, some of those cool sunglasses. Might be any day now. Any day. You know what?

Clock's ticking. We'll see what happened tonight, actually. The day this episode comes out. Yeah. Oh, right. Yeah. So, well, let's not talk about it. Let's let the people have some relief.

Yes, we're here to have fun. Talk about this weird romantic comedy. You know, someone's listening to this and they're seeing all the windows being broken out next door and the chaos consuming the town. But let's, yeah. So she gets assigned by her boss to cover a romance novelist convention? Okay A loveberry Oh, a loveberry

Are you all children By the way Jamboree Loveberry Beree Oh it's a loveberry Boree Oh I got it now

Well to answer your question I am I do consider myself A child At heart Yeah No just in general Oh okay

Tattoo That's what I try To tell the feds I'm a minor You know what though This is what's What's the most Unbelievable part

About this movie We're showing this Like romance writers convention where all these romance novel fans and creatives are coming together in one weird hotel ballroom in Charleston, South Carolina.

Not a single fucking Garfield sweatshirt. No Warner Brothers, you know, Looney Tunes, paraphernalia. Looney Tunes with Attitude sweatshirts, none of those. Give me a break. The Looney Tunes ones, I think there was a resurgence

in the more towards the mid-90s, maybe. It was like a 94 thing. Before the Warner Brothers store opened is what. you're saying. Ah, yeah. All right. That's pre, this is pre-WB

and then there's post-WB, and that's just the way the world is. Wait a second, though. So, all right, but you're telling me there's Nary a Kathy t-shirt around. There would be Kathy. There would be,

there would be cat sweaters. There would be all that stuff. You're right. You're right. There's just, well, you're right. Oh, you know, you know what's also conspicuously missing?

Some B-U-M equipment. Oh, guaranteed you'd see that there. Big dog sweaters, where they. Some big dog t-shirts out of it With him doing like Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross or something What? That would be very hard to convey

In this embroidery There were hundreds of those t-shirts I guarantee you that one didn't exist I guess it would be like water bowls or foreclosers A-B-B always be barking A dog's at a chalkboard Pointing a dog at a chalkboard Well now I've heard it all

pointing at things like bones I would wear that today happily we got to get that maybe the bugle boy shows up probably yeah that sounds right the booge boy himself a couple Arizona jeans

in the house the point is there's the people at this conference are way too well dressed for what the reality is and while she's covering this conference she meets Shelley Long decides to do a feature on her is that my understanding yeah because she's got like a gnome to plume and so she like

discovers who Shelley Long is and she's like wow this is a hot scoop for someone probably. Yeah page like 59 of 60 in the magazine like right before the personal ads. Below the fold I think. Yeah it's a below the fold for sure oh yeah the grackle fold

man that's low the grackle fold below the grackle fold that's like a Robert Lundum I was going to say HR Geiger Robert Ludlums below the Grecklefold So she's like, hey, oh, you know, you're a lady

When do you come over my house for dinner And, you know, you can meet my brother Who's really handsome and really cool And you'd love each other Gus, what was his last name, Kubbichek? Kubbichick, yeah Gus Kubbichick They should just call him the cube

They should call him the cube He should also be called Gus Michael Kubichek Because this is kind of a crime That's a three-name crime Kind of thing That's true. If you see Gus Michael Kubitschek. He's considered heavily armed. He may have a pipe bomb. Nobody saw him. He's

considered to have been captured by aliens. He might be talking in a odd accent. Oh, we'll get there in just a quick second, won't we? So, yeah, so she comes over for dinner, and you want to talk about rivaling the dinner scene in Texas Chainsaw Massacre. This, I think, is the second most awkward dinner scene in history. Because it's a really uncomfortable situation for her to begin, with like going to somebody's house you don't know and then you have to like you have to meet their family there's a kid involved there's a kid that doesn't talk

that they call piglet oh piglet you again oh piglet who let you out of the cellar so do be clear it's a little girl eat your fish hedge piglet I want to give some context for piglet

it's a little cute little girl just cute as any little kid you'd see in a movie Yeah. Whose name I think is Emily or Emily Bath or something. Annabelle. Annabelle. Annabelle. But they call her piglet.

And I mean, like, everybody's calling her piglet. The wrong twin drown, piglet. And she's mute or she has some problem. She's pre-verbal, they call that. Yeah, even though she's, what, like three or something? I don't know when kids start talking. It's before three. Yeah.

And, yeah, she's like really weird and uncomfortable. But they're just calling this kid pig. That's not helping. You know what's going to do? It's going to give her a lot of problems growing up. You know what they called me? Piglot. Hey, Piglot, you off the canyon or what?

No, leave me alone. Hey, Pigloat, get out of here. Your slot bucket's ready. Leave me alone. Start sucking out on those screws, Piglot. Man, let's get into that. This girl's got a weird oral fixation. We meet this little girl.

She's putting greasy screws in her mouth. It's a greasy. It's disgusting. You see, look, they're doing some housework, and you see, like, this kid pick up, it's in a vat of, like, oil. Oh, my God. Which, I don't know why this is sitting in the middle of the living room, by the way. Especially if your kid has pika, you got to keep this shit away from her. Oh, my God.

Do you think it's actually diagnosed? It could be. I mean, I don't have a chart right in front of me here. Question, did you learn that from watching hoarders? No, I learned that from watching my strange addiction. What is Pika? Because when you eat shit, like just eat anything, like eat stuff that's inedible.

Like if you're, for example, in an episode of mustard addiction, chewing on couch cushions. And you call them cushion. You call it eating cushion. I can't wait to get home and eat some fucking cushion. Oh, so Chris, you can identify with this. Can't wait to get home.

Take the dogs off. Sit down. Have a hot plate of cushion. Take this dogs off? Hey, Big Lock. Get out here. Your cushion's ready. You see this woman just go home and eat like the insulation inside of a couch cushion and just like chop it on it like it's fucking popcorn.

Here's a very important question about this poor soul. Now, is she getting like surplus couch cushions and eating that? Because she's going to eat herself right out of a seat. I think she's getting there. So they got to intervene before this couch is ruined? Is she eating it with the cover on or is she taking it out of the... It's the cover off and you know like the kind of... frayy part inside the good the good the good the good meat inside of it's i didn't know if you peeled your cushion

there's very little meat in these gym mad exactly and now they have it raw or do they do they do they like cook it up put some hot sauce hot sauce maybe some olive oil that's good oh like a nice piece of bread and a nice restaurant yeah exactly oh no we're out of freshly ground black pepper for my cushion yeah that's a problem it's expensive because a it's couch cushion And B, that olive oil goes really fast. Welcome to Chopped. You've got cushion. Red onions, hot peppers, and a screwdriver.

Gone. Yeah. But, yeah, so she, and like, Jamie Gertz almost throws up, because it's really gross. It's viscerally in this kid's mouth. She spits it up on her dress. She's wearing a white dress for some reason. Jamie Gertz is.

I'm not sure if it's after Labor Day or before Labor Day. Well, I think it's... Yeah, we've got to sort that out, though. It's probably because she didn't imagine. imagine that a child would be vomiting up oil on her fucking dress. Yeah, you never see that coming. That's the problem. That's a gremlin move, man.

So they have to this potential fashion criminal, we don't know yet, has to take her dress off because it's ruined, I guess. This is a great excuse to leave, by the way. Oh, no, I have to go now. A fantastic excuse to leave, but does she know? And what happens

next? Oh, Gus the creeper sneaking up to the doorway. So he's dressed in, like, a very old man kind of suit. He looks like Carl Reiner in Ocean's 11. He looks exactly like Carl. Or literally any extra from a cocoon. And he's wearing this, like, brown wig that, what's her name, that Shelley Long got him?

Which, this is from a fucking discount Halloween bin. Like, listen, I'm telling you right now. She's got money? You got money, and this isn't a costume party. Your brother's been suffering from cancer. he got chemotherapy, you go out and you get him a nice wig if you need to interfere this much. She lives in

a palace. It's like an old plantation. It's like an old plantation. The thing's humongous. Why don't you spend some money? Because he's too busy buying knick-knacks and fucking gross screws for a kid to eat. We are looking back with 2016 eyes and maybe for the time this was a very nice rug. I've actually seen

worse rugs today. Really? Well, not today, but yesterday. You just see like yesterday. You just see like a bad wig today man and it's like, and there's so many bald heroes now, you know, Dwayne the Rock Johnson, Stone Cold Steve Austin. We've

knocked that door down. It's okay to be bald. Thank you, Bruce Willis. Yeah, exactly. You and your harmonica, your racist harmonica saved us all. Are you good to Bosley? Bosley? The Bosley Institute, get some new hair. Oh, yeah, Bosley. I mess his hair up. If I won't mess his hair up.

Oh, Lord. So, yeah, he shows up looking like he should be staring at a fountain in Las Vegas after a he takes him a while because he's like it's just waiting idling in the driveway he sees her he falls in love with her immediately he's like immediately I can't see you're like this and he like he should just drive away he's got like no eyebrows and he's got like a triple chin he's like he looks he's like a John Merrick figure at the start of this look away I will be your freak no more I think I the elephant is a much gentler spirit than this guy.

That's true. Alphant Man will make love to you. This guy, this guy will... Gus likes to fuck. Yeah, Gus likes to do ungodly things. Crimes. Many would call them. So she's getting changed. Gus kind of sneaks in and he's like... I'm going to get my peep on.

I think he wants to tell... He wants to tell Shelley Long the wig sucks that he's going to go home. He can't handle this. It's too soon. But he walks in on Jamie Gert's changing in this weird slip that she's wearing. Slash using Shelley Long's Stairmaster, which is weird. And he makes it worse than it has to be by, like, covering his eyes and screaming and being like, stammering and trying to explain it. Dude, just get out. Just get out.

It's the greatest thing. It's three letters. W-U-P. What? Close the door. And then, like, afterwards, you're like, oh, I'm so sorry I did this, blah, blah, blah. And then, you know, that's the end of it. That's the end of it.

Instead, we escalate. And he makes a scene out of it. But you know what? Everybody forgets it, though. Like, time heals all wounds. Sure. Because four minutes later, we're having the weirdest fucking dinner in a long time. This side of a Louis-Bunwell movie.

So it's important to remember the early 90s and the late 80s. We were sort of obsessed with objectifying Chinese culture. Yes, big time. Yeah, and also, like, it being weird. Oh, my God. Because Shelley Long's in an Asian. dress there. She's in this form fitting, like, red Asian

dress with matching chopsticks in her hair. Chopsticks in the hair. And then she's feeding everyone jellyfish salad or something? No, that's the, that is the cuisine of the husband. The husband is cooking all this stuff. Either way. They're both, they're both

asiophile. Yeah. And it's supposed to instill a feeling in the, us, the audience, sort of like how George H.W. Bush puked all up that sushi or whatever. It's just like At that time, we weren't ready. We just weren't ready for Asian food. Yeah, I mean, I still don't think I'm ready for a jellyfish salad, but, you know, like, it's like fucking Temple of Doom, man.

Like, she puts this one plate down, something's flip, flapping on the inside. It's monkey brains. I heard that shit makes you crazy. It is really like that in the first Adam's family movie when he's like trying to put his fork in the thing. I think it's weird to do this in the beginning of. in the movie and then drop it entirely, which is like, you see things from her perspective for a bit there. She's like, wow, this is gross.

I think it's moving. It was almost her movie for a little while. Yeah, for a little bit. And then Steve Gutenberg ratcheted away. Yeah. Well, it's weird, though, because there is that one part where she's like, she hallucinates that Steve Gutenberg's head, like, grows

three sizes too large. It looks like the monster man from the end of Riccio. Oh, oh, ew. Oh, Ew. He looks exactly like it. It's insane. This is when she's got a mouthful of the jelly fish.

Salad. And she's like, she doesn't like it. And she's going to like hurl. Yeah, she's going to hurl to use a 90s term. She'll wing, man. Wayne's worldian impression. So at this point, yeah, like she's going to throw up. She does throw up, right?

Yeah, she runs out. She goes to the bathroom. Yeah. And then like, Shelley Long's like, oh, okay. And that's like the end of it. You know what? I threw up at your house. That's enough for one night.

We'll do this interview another time. Exactly. But instead, like, the husband starts blaring an opera record. And they, like, leave the two of them to get to know each other while they go to the dishes. They're like, whatever the fuck. They go co-op some other culture in the kitchen, maybe. And he's got, like, noodles on his face and his wig is falling off. And it's a sad situation.

It's sad. It's disgusting. But you're supposed to be laughing your tits off, though. Like, he accidentally bumps that wig and it, like, gets. It's like, you know, misplaced on his head, and she notices it, and it's fucking humiliating for someone who's, like, recovering from cancer who has to wear a wig in such a situation. But no, no, no, we're supposed to laugh at this fat cancer patient. Good God Almighty. No, thank you.

Yeah. And so then the whole thing is like this music's too loud, so we can't hear each other talk. That's what I want to watch for five minutes. That's great. It's really funny. That's really, really funny. They retire. She goes home.

She goes back to Kyle McLaughlin. her and Kyle McLaughen are having the spat where he wants to see other people in which case like but they're having like an open they're trying the open relationship thing I think slash like aren't they supposed to be kind of engaged to be married

when does that come in? That comes in a little bit I think right? I know I think it's later in the movie always an open relationship engagement. Oh okay which is tough stupid. Well whatever works for people

so she comes over like the next day and Shelley Long's like what did you think of my brother like really pushing it and she's like listen I'm sorry Shelly Long invades this woman's house Oh that's right Yeah yeah yeah she barges in with the kid

To do this interview or whatever it is And you know she's like What do you think of my brother? You know he's available right He just got off of cancer And just you know She doesn't say that She doesn't say cancer

Yes And she's like she's like yeah Here's the thing I'm kind of seeing somebody And Shelling Long's like not taking no for an answer She flips the fuck out about this She's like oh I'm so sorry He's not so fucking hands

Cancel for you. Did you know he have cancer? You bitch. Oh, right. Yes, you're right. Yeah. Yeah. If you had wavy hair and muscles, you would love him and love him up. Because you're a stupid bitch. And I'm like, what are you talking about? You work for the fucking grackle. Do you even know what you want?

Maybe they didn't click. And maybe it's time to move on with our lives. And then there's no movie here, which would be fantastic. That would be pretty cool. Really interesting short film. oh no there's no movie here go kill that dog I'm bathing dog's blood

oh god the only way he'd get going yeah that's why he died early is because you know God had to strike him down worse than Christopher Lloyd by a mile so the goot like works himself up to call her

And this is uncomfortable Because he's just like Trying to ask this woman on a date Well no first Shelley Long comes back to the Goose House We're gonna trick this lady You know what? She's gonna love you Gutenberg We're gonna

All you have to do is like Work with me I'll get you on a diet plan We'll make up a character for you And he's like no no no no That sounds totally nuts That sounds like the plot Of a shitty romantic comedy

I won't have it Hey sis that sounds like a crime That sounds like an actual crime That sounds like an actual crime That I could get arrested for Yeah that's a fucking class A felony I feel So, you know, it's, because she's the romance novelist. She knows what women want.

And she also knows stupid plots to stories. And she also hates her life at home. And she needs to be somewhere else away from it. Yeah, she needs a project. Yeah, maybe your project should be like getting your daughter to stop eating lug nuts and to talk. Right. Maybe special schools. Spend some time with your children.

That would be nice, right? That would be nice. Your kid is clearly crying out for attention. Any old way she gets to eat in cushion every day. day. Get your husband to stop fetishizing Asian culture. Really trying to work through that shit. How about a nice fetichini Alfredo for dinner one night? Let's give that a shot. Or maybe hamburgers on the grill. How about that shit?

So he does, after this, he's like, no, I'm not going to do it. He tries to call Jamie Gertz just to ask her out on a day. He's like, yeah, I'm Gus, you know? But this is the thing. And this is, it's something you learn from George Costanza of all people. you need a game plan when you're making a phone call like this. He goes in with no plan. He wants to do a date with her. He wants to do a date. I'd like to do a date with you.

He wants you to move and do a date. But he's got no, yeah, he's got no idea what this date is. So he quick, while on the phone is going through the newspaper and being like, oh, there's a, a concert. The cowboy junkies. Cowboy junkies are in town. And he just, and he foolishly assumes he can get taken. Well, that's, I mean, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's sold out. That's totally sold out.

But yeah, no, and he says something. He's like, yeah, a friend of mine got me a couple of sweet tics to the cowboy junkies. And I'm like, you're setting yourself up for all sorts of trouble, man. And she said, yes. What's you going to do? Oh, no, I got robbed on the way to pick you up. We can't go see the cowboy junkies. Do you like McDonald's?

It didn't work. It didn't work out. We should do dates now. We should just do dates now. Then when she's like, she's like, no, I'm busy. He's like, oh, okay. And it's something about like a Chinese circus or something. It was like, oh, there's some Chinese acrobats.

No, no, I'm sorry. Beijing acrobats are coming and they're great. It's a couple of Chinese. Oh, yeah. Period. He doesn't say Chinese people. A fascinating group of Chinese. That's the exact line.

Of Chinese. And I'm like, what is this movie trying to say? It's got an axe to grind with somebody in Asia. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Some fucking financiers, maybe, that wouldn't put the movie through. Steve Gutenberg got paid, though. You got paid a million bucks. That's nuts.

What do you think Shelley Long got paid? Not a million dollars. How about this? I guarantee you less than she would have been making on cheers. Oh, that's right. Know where your bread is buttered. She walked away. She was like, I'm going to do movies.

Movies didn't want to do her. No. Was the money pit before? after the cheers walk away because that I think might have enticed her. Pit like 85? I don't remember.

That might have been done on hiatus and she was like, oh, the money pits a hit, guess what? Everyone's going to be in the Shelley Long business. No. You know what's a totally watchable movie, though, is Troop Beverly Hills. Oh, sure. The money pits are watchable.

Oh, yeah, I like the money pit too. But that's through no fault of hers. The Tom Hanks classic. You want to see him go mad. So Gus doesn't get any fucking date with that. No, because she didn't want to go see a couple of fascinating

Chinese. The funny thing is, is that she gives them two excuses, and the last one is, I'm doing anything else. Oh, no, Cajun cooking class, that's what I'm doing, and I'm going to make a shrimp et tufe.

Yeah, as she says. Which then triggers the soundtrack to just go into Zytoe mode for 10 minutes, even though there's no cooking class. But around now, we get to see you know, what, you know, Gus is what she could have, but what

does she have? Oh, wait, hunky, Kyle McLaughlin, hanging out in a cool office playing NARC, the video game, in his own private, like, video game, what do they call that? Marry this man in his own tower. The closet, yeah. The arcade machine. He's got his own

arcade machine. Cabinets. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And now, for our younger listeners that aren't 49 years old, the rest of us. NARC is a video game that was put out I believe by the Reagan administration or there's a Reagan administration. There's an FBI brand or something like that was

in front of a lot of video games. And there's definitely a say no to drugs on the side. It's an anti-drug game. But what you do is go into the inner cities with two machine guns, wear a motorcycle helmet, and destroy a town. It was very fun and it's very, very dumb.

What, you're shooting pushers, right? You shoot a bunch of pushers. It looks like Blasher's. Right. Yeah, they've all got trench coats on. Also, to explain to our younger listeners, there once was a place called an arcade where they had all the video games in the same room

and you'd go one to the next. It's like, you know what it is, kids? It was a bigger version of that corner of the movie theater lobby that has all those cruising motorcycle games that you never see anyone touching. It was those in a big room and everybody came together and played. And you had a lot of options. And you know what, kids?

and then I'm just, I need to tell you this, smelled of crusty farts. Oh, yeah. One more thing I need to inform the younger audience is there was a time in America where the drug ward wasn't strangling us alive and we needed to sell it to the people. So we made little video games and cartoons.

We tried to make it fun. Yeah, yeah. Also, McGruff the crime dogs. To tell it to the kids, make them sure they're up to date, Chris Cabin was a mean motherfucker on the dance dance revolution. Oh, man. Don't even start with me on that one. You will get, what?

Poned. Chris Cabin fact. Real life Chris Cabin fact. Excellent dancer. Oh, yeah. Excellent. You ever have the fucking, I'm telling you right now, the fucking privilege to attend a wedding with Chris Cabin.

Look out to that dance floor. Well, I mean, if you've got a dance floor, you want set on fire. Yeah, get that fire extinguisher ready because that shit's going to catch. Well, yeah, it is not known, but Freddie Astaire was indeed my godfather. And he taught me quite a lot. about those twinkled toes that's how you learned to walk so

Steve Gutenberg then calls up Shelley Long after being horrifically humiliated and you know instead of being like well I guess it didn't work out I'm going to go to the gym I'm going to do this and I'm going to make go on my own cooking class

maybe I'll meet a different woman that might like me there maybe I shouldn't obsess with the first woman I see yeah it's really weird Thank God the internet didn't exist. This woman's Facebook profile would have fucking broken. Oh, yeah. Well, if Facebook existed back then,

this woman would have been found fucking chained in a garage somewhere. Right next to the Goots property. I'm just shocked she doesn't wind up cut up on a beach in this movie. Like, every time she goes out to looks at her phone, there's like, who keeps liking and unliking that vacation photo I have from three years ago? What the, I just imagine he cut up on, I just thought of this. the Jaws scene. Rob Schneider's going down the beach.

Oh, my God. Gutenberg did this. Did you say Rob Schneider? Roy Scheider. Shider. Although Rob Schneider and a Jaws remake, I could do that. Sharkarama. Getting eaten.

Deuce Bigelow and the Amity Beach. Duce Bigelow and the Amity Island Massacre. There you go. This is, we've, did we pass the, um, the Narcstein? about it for five minutes. The future serial killer piglet eating a cockroach. We did, I think. Oh, God. That was a real

noise of me remembering that scene. Oh, right. It's where Shelley Long barges in and pulls the hole like you don't like him because he's fat stuff. Somewhere in there, this girl walks out of a room with a cockroach sticking out of her mouth. I'm literally keeping down my lunch right now because that was disgusting. It's so gross.

They got like Tom Savini to make this fake cockroach. I don't know. I think brought him in for one day and it's perfect. Oh, yeah, it looks magnificent. But it's like it's a cockroach, it's not, I mean, it's like a bug you'd find in the desert. Like, this thing

ain't down in South Carolina. Come on. I hope not. It looked like the baby Starship Trooper bugs. Oh, yes. So he's like, all right, I'll do it. Let's really pull this grift off. So then we get a fun montage. And he's working out and he's starting to look good. Looking like the goot.

Looking like a 1989 goot. Mahoney. Oh, yeah, dude, getting fit as a fiddle. And he's, yeah, he's like jogging. Shelly Long's like riding a fucking scooter. You know what? Just join a gym. You know what, sis?

We'll do the next part of your scheme tomorrow. I just need some time alone. Or maybe fine. Help him with a diet and working out and leave it at that. Because he's an adult. And he's got a cool job. He's a somewhat successful comic strip artist. He's a Ziggy rip-off guy.

The creepiest thing you can do here is like, oh, man. And maybe, you know, you're really into this lady and you're like, look, I'm going to really work out. And I'm going to really get myself to be the best me. And I'm going to accidentally bump into her somewhere. Do you know where she works? Oh, I'm going to walk by there. Oh, I bumped into her. Like, that's a bit off the beaten path.

But it's okay. And it's like, oh, look. And she's like, look, look, you look so great. Wow, you lost so much weight or whatever that is. No, but instead they decide to go the fake name route, like the Art Vandalay. Oh, but it's so beyond. It is beyond. Like George Costanza looks like an innocent babe in the woods compared to this sick twisted scheme.

Because Shelly Long is like, oh, you know, it's not enough for you to be in good shape and for you to be yourself. Women like men of mystery. Women like foreign boys. Bad boys. She's like, they're like foreign men. So we're going to. Ooh, foreign men. She's like, can you do an accent?

My wife, right? Very nice. Borant. Yeah, I got it. It's got it. We all got it. Also, how about, what was Andy Kaufman's foreign man? Lotka. How about that?

Thank you very much. Women like that. Well, Carol Kane's character. And I hate to harp on it, but like, really. The bug in the mouth? Your daughter is home, eating spiders and caterpillars and whatever the fuck else. You're coming home to a clean house. Yeah, she's licking the floor.

It's fucking gross. Go home. Do you with the kid? Let this guy live. Yeah, before she winds up on Ripley's, believe it or not. Believe it. Or my gross appetite or whatever that show is. Or like she's just having like her face is pink and she has to go to house to figure it out.

Omar Epps has to go through your garbage to figure out what the fuck this girl's been eating. Oh, yes, screws mystery solved. Has a little soul-searching moment with Olivia Wilde. QAffects twin theme song. Massive attack. Oh, massive tag. You're right. Pardon me.

And then how to stay alive plays while everyone's crying and stuff. That's what my favorite parts of that episode. Yeah, so the plan is now everybody settle in. Put your seatbelts on. He's going, he's lost all the weight. He's fine. He looks like the go to any bar. Yeah.

In South Carolina and get some ladies. He's propositioned on the street. A car full of babes drives by and they all go, B. B. B. B. B. B. B. Every man's dream. Oh, look at that. He looks like Steve Gutenberg. You know what? Watching all these fucking crappy 80s and early 90s movies, I was promised a truck of Bays.

I agree, man. You, right? You would think they would exist in the wild, but they don't. Oh, do you think that here's the thing. I think that Steve Gutenberg actually is an in-sell, as they call them. What's that? That's a Reddit term for pieces of shit. shit that don't have sex and they're called involuntarily

celibate in cells and it's always the lady's fault. It's like oh this society of women are denying me the sex that I was promised. The cars full of babes never drove by my house. Yeah, the beaver patrol passed right by those guys.

What a cadre of losers. That is, the best advice you can give them is it's always your fault. Yeah, exactly. Just dust yourself off and think, how can I, you know, become a better person every day? Yeah. Instead of this bitter hate cycle. Or pretending to be from New Zealand, you know.

So let's get into it. That's the plan. He dresses up with like bright cyan contact lenses, a wig straight out of a dog the bounty hunter, Halloween costume. It's a big mullet. Well, to Chris Cabin's point when we watch, they go to the most advanced hair salon. Oh, right. South Carolina.

Oh, right. God. Yes. It's like an FBI profiling computer program. You know what it's like? It's the Riddler's program when he's building his costume. Oh, yes. Oh, you're right.

Where he's like, uh, no, you know, beep, boop. And then like he has a different haircut every single time. Yeah, that's exactly what's going on. Arsenio Hall haircut and everyone laughs. And it's always the thing where it's like you run through all these options in a movie and then what they decide on is one you don't see. That always bugs me. Because it ends on like a stupid like, like, uh, like level zero.

mohawk kind of a thing and you're like oh he's going to go with that but then it's like dog the bounty hunter it looks terrible it cuts to black and the the god why am I blanking on this I don't know why the barber or whatever

the hairstylist yeah yeah who looks like a drum tech for fucking poison he does he does they cut to black and he's like oh that's it They showed a drop of exactly that And then basically we just cut to

Like him pulling up on a motorcycle, right? Well, Jamie Gertz is at a gas station And she's pumping gas And all of a sudden out of the misty streets Of South Carolina Comes fucking this mullet And this motorcycle And this tight jeans

This giant leather duster It's a leather duster He's wearing leather chaps over jeans he's wearing a tight black t-shirt yeah and to top it off the cherry on top of the sunday is a quote-unquote new zealand accent yeah oh he gets some tapes shelley long's like oh from you're from new zealand now and your name is lobo no bo he went from looking like lobot to be in lobo and and his full name is lobo marunga lobo marunga and what is that about. Because I guess he's just like appropriating

Maori shit. Yeah, right? That's cool. Like the indigenous people. Man, can you imagine what fucking like easy comic? Lobo would actually do to this guy. Oh man, the main man himself. Wait, Lobo is a comic book character? Yeah, he's a white, he's the last Zarnian is what he

is, Eric. He's the white last Zarni. What is that? Was that a rank in the Ku Klux clans? You know, I'm going to be out warming up the car. No, he's a big hulking, he looks like Alice Cooper on steroids. Oh man, he's Alice Cooper times

a thousand. He's bleached white, he's got a goatee, and he looks like kind of a little bit like, don't tell her it's me. It's not different, but he's also a badass, so he would destroy this person. It also sounds like he can keep it. Intergalactic bounty hunter. Yeah, sure it does. Yeah, what line is he from? I got enough intergalactic bounty hunters in my life. Yeah, you're loaded up. I forgot

about that. You are chock full of intercollecting. I have a Dengar action figure at home. I was going to say maybe you get rid of Dengar, you bring in Lobo. I can't do that. I can't get rid of Dengar, man. I mean, I'm not suggesting getting rid of IG 88. I wouldn't know how Dengar got these scars? Oh, man. Steve, look who you're talking to. I think he was in like a, and people can correct me from wrong. They will. No one in this room will know. But I think he was in you know how instead of cars in Star Wars they have

speeders and speeder bikes sure sure yep with you so far like a you know like drag race and speeders and stuff and I believe he like got into a like a car wreck was a pod racing incident no no it was more suburban than that

suburban he was racing needles through the housing development he was a suburban commando so yeah so he rolls up and she's like pumping this gas and she just

like just this gas starts flying out of this car because she can't stop looking at this hot piece of man meat and I mean like look if you're getting on the reg from Kyle McLaughlin you know what I mean like I don't know you're not really you're like look at this guy you're like look at this boob I mean you're like oh that's another attractive

man but you're not like booga you're certainly not giving yourself a gasoline douching oh right yeah because she keeps pumping it his splashes everywhere and then he's like hi I'm pretending I'm from New Zealand I'm fucking crazy and she's like oh that's cool

you want to know her I got these scars so could you help me my arms broke you want to help me get this couch inside of a van tell me was she a great big fit person so she goes in because she got so distracted

she pumped way more gas than she thought she's just $23 which is in 1990 is like $200 Well, what's the saying is she says she wanted to pump two. And she pumped $23. I don't think a car could take $23 worth of $190.90 gasoline. You'd blow right up. And she's trying to tell the cashier this and like, can she come back tomorrow with the rest of the money?

No. Turns out he's actually a robber. And there's a dude under the counter who's the real cashier with a gun to his head. Right. And now she's afraid. Enter Lobo. and he's just like looking at the beer

looking at the slim gyms and being like I gotta get out of here he like goes to get beer and then he realizes what's going on and we're treated to again a one and done part of this movie his internal monologue he's like you gotta get out of here

this is dangerous I forgot this is another totally one and done situation and then like he's like I gotta get a weapon I gotta save her save the girl It goes to the, like, he picks up, like, a slim gym. Yeah. And he's like, oh, what are you going to do?

Hit him in the mouth? He'll probably just eat it. I'm like, why am I listening to any of this? You shouldn't be. So he picks up, he does a fast time at Richmond High, grabs the coffee, splashes it and breaks over this guy's head, and then pudges him in the face. Yeah.

You know what you just did there, pal? You just impressed this lady. Yep. And you can be like, hey, remember me? I'm your buddy Gus with a really bad haircut. I'm going to a very early Halloween party. I know it's before Labor Day. I'm looking at your dress.

I'm actually in a stage production of Meet the Feebles. I'm in a touring company of Renegade, the Renegade stunt show that's coming through here. I've got the meatloaf roll from Rocky Horror. I mean, you could just introduce yourself as Gus and say, oh yeah, sorry it was weird before I was dealing with this cancer thing. and that's gone now. It's the perfect excuse. You're already, you're a hero. She's already got the boner.

Yeah, you're all good to go. Yeah, you're right. She's already got the boner. And it's, I'm not saying she'd necessarily completely fall in love with you or whatever, but you're on even footing there. Yes, exactly. You've been redeemed from that terrible first impression. Right.

Your second impression made up for the beefed first impression. But they get interrupted because his partner, I guess, is his wife. His old lady. The robber's partner is his wife And she comes out of it with a machete Out of a pickup truck And of course For some reason Lobo is just useless now

And she Gertz there Picks up this giant display of Colt 45 And hocks it at her And she drops the machete And then she flees the scene This machete is like The sword of the morning

It's humongous I was like are they going to cut through a jungle Somewhere? Why do you need this? And then, like, he, fucking Steve Gutenberg in this movie is saying like, oh, crikey, I'm an illegal alien. So I can't stay here to be interviewed by the police. So they have to flee the scene. They leave his motorcycle there. The clerk's alive.

What do you, he's not going to say who did it or that's his motorcycle? How does this never come back into play at all? There was this bemulleted hero who saved the day. I had a horrible act. I don't even know what it was. To be honest with you, it could have been Spanish, it could have been Argentinian, I don't know. Officer, he's clearly impersonating somebody.

I don't know what's going on. He's, yes, granted, he saved the day here, but... I was more afraid of him than I was the robber, because at least I understood what that man wanted. This twisted mind, I have no idea. If you see Lobo, responds only to Lobo. If you see Lobo or the Heaven's Gate cult,

please call in Lobo said he was taking off to ride the Halbop comet So they go back to Jamie Gertz's place And again like here is the time To be like look you know I was going to do this costume party thing And you know

I was doing a New Zealand accent Just to fuck with you Again I am who I am Let's just talk Now I'm Lobo And she's like oh I have like Kalua and you know All this other stuff

He's like, you got anything high to me? She's like, I've been a hair on it. I put a hair on it. Yeah, I can't do the accent, but there you go. Neither can he, though. Yeah, no, you can't. We're all on the level with Sir Steve Guttenberg's accent. And we're not getting paid a million dollars to bungle this accent either.

But if you'd like to pay us a million dollars. To bungle a New Zealand accent. We can do that. Sure. Oh, yeah, the sequel, don't tell her it's us. We're four fat guys all have cancer. Look, we don't need any puddy. Don't make up. We're good.

Don't tell her it's podcast. The exercise might be a problem. Then we all turn into New Zealand guys on motorcycles. We look like those fat twins in a famous photo. Just picture that times two. By the way, I love that that's considered a famous photo. That's up there with that kid running from the napalm in Vietnam. That, the sailor kissing the woman who doesn't love.

kissed. Oh man, the 20th century in three images. Yeah. And anything else that happened in the opening credits of the Watchman. Yeah, sure. I think that photo's in there, too, the two fat guys on the motorbikes. Oh, yeah, that's why Jeffrey Dean Morgan tries to shoot them. Yeah. And like one guy, like one gets off his bike to pick up a flower and it shoots Kennedy in the face. Oh, man, that's a movie I'd watch. So she's like, oh, I do have warm gin. he's like, oh yeah, I'll take it

straight. Large glass, please. Oh, gross. So they're about, she gets on, and he's faking a limp, which is very Bundy-esque. Yes, it is. Oh, I was heading that car accident

or that bank rob, whatever. And not Al Bundy, right? You're talking about Ted, Ted, Theodore Bundy. And I'm Ted, Theodore Bundy, and this is Wild Stallion. I'm going to look at a...

Jeffrey Dahmer Esquire Ted Theodore Bundy. We are wild murderers. Oh, that'd be pretty cool. That would be a good cartoon for the kids. So,

he has this little idol on his neck, on his neck, has a necklace. Yeah, got that from a garage sale. It's for fucking Panama Jacks, man. That's a vacation oddity that you'll pick up. Totally. It's like, it's like, reminds me of my hometown.

And she's like, it looks like an Easter Island statue. He's like, yeah, that's great. How do I lie my way out of this one? Sex, please. No, no, no, no, no. He doesn't want any sex. Yeah, she's DTF and he ain't having it. He's playing hard to get, man.

He wants love, Eric. He doesn't want us. He doesn't want us, he wants to make love to a woman that he's going to marry in like a week or something. Do I talk to an angel? Great song, man. Keep going. Do it. Keep going.

I can't. Chris dance. Yeah, he's like, how do I get out of this? He's going to chuck this warm gym. Oh, man. That he doesn't throw up. And then, like, she, like, goes to bed and she's like, you know. She locks him in that room, which is weird.

She locks him out of her bedroom. Oh, that's what it is. Because she's so intimidated. it by Steve Gutenberg and his sexual charisma. Yeah, she does the old, like, chair up against the door handle. And when she wakes up the next morning, he's gone because, like, that's the plan as he has to be mysterious or something. Yeah.

But then he leaves, like, the creepiest fucking note, like, written in lipstick on her mirror. Oh, right. It's like, too bad, you're engaged. And, like, red rum. You're a corba. Thanks for the night. I think he took this photo of her and Kyle McLachlan. out of the frame and put it up next to his creepy, creepy.

Of course he did, dude who was stuck there with a knife. It was insane. It's a threat. I'm imagining Scatman Crothers at his Florida home, just sitting there, and he goes into a freak out because Steve Gutenberg's pretending he's been from his view. But, you know what, to have a reason to come back to her house, he leaves that fucking totem there. He does. Yeah, that's the, again, to bring it back to George Costanzi, leave something behind. Like that hat he leaves me

out of that one episode? You were talking... You were talking about this gimmick. I just haven't imagined of like Kyle McLaughin doing the Danny face. Yeah. That would be awesome. And we give Kyle McLaughlin something to do with this movie.

That would be nice, wouldn't it? So she, he goes up to Shelley Long and is like, oh my God, it worked so well. Our trick really worked. And like, Shelley Long is like getting the 35 gallon drama out. She's laying out. just gling up plastic or whatever her end game is in this movie.

And this is around the time where this is why I'm convinced that he's a virgin. Because this is where Sparkle Motion lady comes in and she's some sort of like sex positive therapist or lecturer or some shit. Sparkle motion from Donnie Darko. She also is in speed. This character.

Yeah, the woman who the stare explodes and she gets run over by the bus and speed hilariously. I can't remember the woman's name, of course. But she's got this like fucking sex doll that's got a pair of breasts and a penis which you know all right all purpose sex doll thing that's fine

I didn't know we could show like you know dildos on screen in movies oh dude come over sometime I'll show you I mean in like a PG-13 or whatever in this movie is well no one's using it well yeah but it's there you can have a dildo on a shelf

a shelf it's right next to the elf on a shelf it's right next to the elf on a shelf they both see what you're doing is there a difference I guess in a pinch Probably not Just shove it up there man

Oh come on Make it work So you know The elf in the shelf Wait I'm a shelf I'm a shelf I guess you could store stuff On in me

I don't know We'll figure this out by Christmas For all right But yeah So this lady comes in She's like So here's she's like She's like explaining

Foreplay to him And she's like Before you stick it in there. You gotta do some foreplay. And she's like sticking her tongue out to this dummy like la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la and Steve Gutenberg's like ready to fucking vomit

as is the audience. He still got all that warm gin in him man he's ready to go man. He can topple it any second. I was actually I kind of thought that when she didn't see him vomit from the gin that was also from her point of view and another one of those like imaginary moments that's what I thought. But so the gout in this scene

is like I don't want to do this man. And then Shelly Long's like, no, no, no, this is for your own good. So I think it's a thing where she's like, you don't know about sex because you've never had it. Or maybe he's had it like once or twice and gotten some bad reviews. But my lord and having the fact that the sister knows this, by the way. Thanks anyway, movie. Yeah, it's pretty creepy. It's disgusting.

So where are we in this disgusting movie? What happens next? They go, gee, they trick her again. There's a lot of back and forth. going back to the gas station to get the motorcycle and they have to um and there's a funny scene there's funny quote unquote of uh like

like she's uh lobo gus whatever whatever he's going by today and his sister are driving by this gas station and she's uh emily uh girt uh jimmy gertz is is staked out there to try to find lobo to give him back his totem right and uh they duck and it looks like no one's in the car because they don't want to get made together. That's such a stupid joke.

It's a ghost car. There's ghost cars all up and down these highways, you know. Somewhere around here, too, is when she's like, okay, like, we'll go on a date and hang out or something, and they go for a ride on his motorcycle because he's like, I got to get out of town, mate. And the weirdest thing is she's like, oh,

what happened to your limp? Is it, oh, here it is. Oh, yep. Found me limp. And so she's like, oh, cool. I'd be remiss if I let you leave town. without going to whatever this is. I think it's the fucking dance hall from Carnival of Souls, to be completely honest with you.

They go to this like abandoned thing. There's a crotchety old redneck sweeping it up. There's a child like dancing in the back. Oh, hey Gus. I haven't seen you since I school. No, you're quiet. It's me, Lobo, from New Zealand. Oh, what are you saying?

No, I'm from New Zealand. I'm running a scam on a girl. Your New Zealand pen pale. You know, yeah, we talk all the time. right oh oh yeah finally came to see you mate nah this is weird what are you saying so then she's like you know let's we're gonna do like a box step right now and he's like I don't dance

and of course I wouldn't dance on this limp that I definitely have and then she's like no no let's and let's just dance we're dancing to no music there's like a there's like a knockoff Phil Collins playing on the soundtrack, but they can't hear it. You've talked to this person for exactly four hours. Why are you resting your head on their chest as if you're, this is fucking everlasting love?

That's a great question. Just go out for a cup of coffee or a beer or maybe want to get to know each other's fake lives. Exactly. I feel like Gus would, if pressed for details would be in a lot of trouble. Oh sure. Yeah. Well, this is what, and we

mentioned this while we were watching it. This is what this is what this movie needs to do to create any kind of interesting conflict is like, you know, she runs into a friend and it's like, oh, so and so, uh, and their friend from New Zealand or these friends like just came from New Zealand. Oh, what part of New Zealand are you from? Higher Peter. Oh, Peter Jackson's in town.

Oh, Peter. Come here. Peter. Nobody would have cared about Peter Jackson at this point. I was going to say, what do you think he's listening to like, is it Peter Jackson just griping about dead alive on that tape that he's. listening to. Oh, that's a good call.

Dead Alive audio book read by Peter Jackson. The old woman's face falls into the soup and she eats it. I found out the hard way, by the way. Don't watch Dead Alive with your grandmother. Yeah. Oh, really? You needed a warning on that?

What's that about it? Had it on for about 20 minutes. Wow, that's 20 minutes too long for Grandmother, Siska. Yeah, yeah. No, it was no good. She didn't get the monster mother, so that's nice. Oh, larisie. So then she, she's like, hey man, you know, we just had this nice dance hall lesson.

Why don't you run an errand with me? And she goes to Shelly Long's house to return all these shitty romance novels that she didn't read. And here it comes, like, the clashing. And you'd think, like, Shelly Long's going to be so happy. Here's her plan coming to fruition. And instead, this character does the exact opposite and starts fucking with him. Yeah, she's like, oh, New Zealand, is that hot or is that cold? And he's like, shut up, shut up, shut up.

she actually does the news like she's like what part of new zealand are you from north kilt town i'm from north kiltown but like yeah it's just crazy why would you be trying to queer the deal and the little girl by the way the little girl can only say one word which is uncow which is uncle so and she's right she only says that when she sees steam Gutenberg sure enough she says it and like jami gertz is like wow i don't know i barely remember that detail i don't know i'm at this person once i don't know i got to remember everything about the jule's live your little kid eats weird stuff, right? Yeah, oh, bug girl.

Oh, it's a bug girl, right. Oh, that's sorry, piglet. My bug girl, piglet. Piglet, oh, God. We could go either way. The husband comes home, and he's like, oh, cool. Hey, Gus, hey Gus. Hey, Gus, motorcycle, Gus, Gus, Gus, Gus, man.

And he's like, and then, like, he remembers the grift in the middle of it, I guess. Yeah, what a boob. Yeah, then he pretends like he was saying, guess, oh, I guess what I saw. Oh, a motorcycle. in front of my house. But I mean, like, now you're implicated, man. You're going down, too. This is, you're an excessive.

Totally. He meets Lobo Marunga. And then he makes an offhand reference to him being foreign. And Jamie Gertz is like, how would you ever know that? How would you ever know that he's for? And the guy has no response to this. But it's like, how about he introduced himself as Lobo Marunga? For starters.

A lot of Lobo Marungas in South Carolina. Not that's not, not in my sense. South Carolina. There's all these Lobo Marunga license plates here. Now it just sounds like a slur. So he can't take it anymore. You know, the goots through. He's a good guy

Andrew. He's a great guy. He's like, oh yeah, I only lie to women for a little while. And Shelley Long's plan is crazy. It winds up working, but she's like, look, no, no, it's fine. Look, you're going to go out with her. She's going to fall in love with you. Right. And once she does fall in love with you, when she's super in love with you,

when you tell it that you've been lying to her, the entire time she's going to be so blind with love she won't care and i'm thinking like are these what her books are about because that stinks but has polanski adapted all of her books then like that's what the level of this shit is it's pretty demented man she had shelly long should not be allowed in america after this you know no no no at all not at all so what happens next is he goes over there to spill the beans and instead of spilling the beans he spills his seat That's one way to put it They engaged in pre-marital sex

Well, she actually first In the same night She's like, I want to fuck this dude And I'm a moral person So I'm going to break up with Kyle McLaughlin Call McLaughlin kind of just drives out of the movie There's this offhand line that he's having sex With Madsen Amchick

In order to get money for his newspaper And you're like, what? He's like goodbye movie Yeah, that's a whole series of deleted scenes It's something about like Her father is going to finance the newspaper. The grackle is going under. Oh, man, that's a whole different movie.

The grackle's going under. Well, you spent so much money on an arc arcade game. The grackle goes under. They move the newspaper to Australia. And Lobo Marunga can be the face. I know Kiwis are different, but he becomes the editor-in-chief. Yeah. They moved to digitally.

They just call it grack. The crack. But that's all to establish that Kyle McLaughlin is a bad guy and Steve Gutenberg is just the nicest guy and whatever he does to get love is whatever he does to get love but he's nice about it sort of like lying and pretending to be someone else

and fabricating an entire after McLaugham leaves he comes in he's like I gotta tell you what's going on and she's like no no no no don't say a word just make love to me it and I want it now even if it's for one night only

I want it and it's like whoa I got kids here What's the The two questions Are you clean? Oh yes Are you gay and are you clean? Which are both very odd questions?

He's like no and pretty much And is that weird? Dubious answer And dubious answer Late 80s Are those questions weirdly related If you know what I'm saying Yeah exactly

One sexuality is a spectrum I think that You know I fall somewhere on there And two Yeah pretty much I'm not gonna say never, you know, jerked off to Sean Connery.

Zardoza? Yeah, Zardosa. Oh, yes. So. They do the deed. They do the dirt. Yeah. So.

They do the dirt. The devil's deed. And then what happens next, you wouldn't believe. He takes his contact lenses at, what? Click the next page. Yeah. After the jump. All right.

He, he disgustingly, like in front of her just takes his contact lenses out showing that like you were just a bet after but this is fucking if listen if if I fucked somebody and minutes later they took off part of a costume holy shit dude this is after he's like I was thinking maybe we should get married get married for a green card are you ready to do that I'm ready to do that yeah please because now I'm in love and that's what she's saying and then like okay he takes out the contact lenses he takes off the prosthetic leg fixes his ankle

it's like the usual suspense the greatest trick loba marunga ever committed was not existing she drops her coffee mug and it says marunga on the bottom of it there's a chalkboard

in the background manufactured in New Zealand the guy with the ankle did you see him did you see him oh that would be awesome be a much more realistic ending than this one. So she starts like fucking losing it

understandably and kicks him out. Yeah, she's furious. And like, this is the part that we did tease that there was an extra that looks a lot like Tim Conway. Oh, yeah. He's just got two bags of groceries. He's trying to go to his own apartment. And he's just like, oh, it looks like a movie's happened. Like, I don't think that dude was supposed

to be there. They can be like, sir, will you please get out of here? We're trying to film. No. All right. You know what? He's not going anywhere. Steve. We're just going have to do this. Just put him in. Put him in. Call him an extra. Just fucking put him in. You know what? He kind of looks like Tim Conway. Maybe the things the audience thinks something's going to happen with this

guy. Just leave him in there. Or maybe that's actually Madsenabchik's dad. And that's part of that whole deleted scene. Oh, yeah. That's why we didn't know. Due to that series of deleted scenes. He's a living in this house and he's just like conning Kyle McLaughlin. Oh, right. The double. Yeah, because they think he's rich, but he's not. Oh, yeah.

Do a little dirty rotten scoundrels kind of his thing. There's a lot of grifting going out of grifting in South Carolina, man. It's the grifting capital of the world, Charleston, South Carolina. Founded by grifting. So he goes to Shelley Long's house, and he's yelling at her, like, it's her fault. No, no, I'm sorry, Jamie Gertz. It turns back into Jamie Gertz's movie all of a sudden. It's just following her.

She goes to Shelley Long. She starts screaming at her. It's hooting and hollering. And like, rightfully so. Shelly long's like, you know what? Yeah, you're right. what should we call it? Gus just did the same for me.

We're no longer talking. He won't talk to me ever again. And he's leaving town to go to New York. Yeah, FYI, he's moving to New York. Yeah, to start anew because you were so mean to him. By being tricked into having sex. And then being upset when you find out he was lying the whole time. So then it's like, you know, how could this crazy movie end?

How about the most cliched way a man? An airport running. Sure. Well, she has to, like, go to his house and she gets on his motorcycle for some reason because her car dies. Yes, well, she's driving the, the 1940s serial Batmobile. Well, she's in this car, and she's like, I'm going to tell this guy off. I'm going to tell this guy off. And then a pop song comes on, and she's like, I think I love him. Yeah, I'm going to, I'm going to keep him after him.

Someone didn't want to finish writing this screenplay. Yeah. Yeah. Because there needs to be, like, this is probably a thing where, like, there needs to be, I'm glad there's not. 15 more minutes of this movie where like, you know, it takes, he does go to New York and maybe he becomes famous or maybe she goes, right, she gets a new job in New York and then meet years later. Yeah, I was expected, like, and I'm the only person who probably likes this movie, the breakup,

Peyton reads the breakup, when it ends into a huge blowout. Oh, yeah, you are the only person. I know, I'm aware. Wait, what is that? The Vince Von, Jennifer. Oh, I thought that movie was okay. I thought, and like, it just ends with a blowout fight like, nope, this is over. You're fucking disgusting.

and then jump he's doing a little better he's back to cartooning he's maybe got a new gig maybe the grackle wants him now oh yeah dude he's a hot commodity he's doing political cartoons for the grackle he's got a good bill clinton that they could use in the upcoming it's been two years all right coming election season every single cartoon strip is related to how he should be impeached and and bill clinton you know he interacts with zippy zippy or no isn't it zaggy I don't know. It's Zankeef. But no, she goes to the airport and, like, she leaves his motorcycle in the parking, parking lot. It was right.

The loading zone, you know. Exactly, yeah. And this dude is, like, not happy with it. He goes, hey, lady. No, my favorite. Ah, lady. Yes. The funniest delivery in the movie.

So he has to, so she just leaves that motorcycle there. Who knows what becomes of it? Well, we don't know either. The credits start rolling, man. I need a sequel. Just telling me what happened to this. Or at least a stinger scene. She meets up with him and she's like, oh, I'm sorry I yelled at you.

And he's like, wait, really? And she's like, yeah. He can't even believe it. He's like, oh, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, he's like, don't go to New York. I love you. And he's like, I'm not going to New York. I'm going to my buddy's wedding in Kalamazoo, Michigan. It's like, oh, great.

So you just got lied to again. Yeah, totally. Just so you could do this. Like, look, we can agree that we'll be together. We can give this a shot. But let's also agree that. will never talk to Shelly Long ever again Because she's fucking poison

You should probably kill her Yeah I think I was saying restraining order But I'm now I'm leading more towards murder Yeah Yeah yeah yeah They just you know Steve Gutenberg's just like Okay fine just come with me to this wedding

It'll be great So they buy another ticket You cannot I'm sorry You cannot just imprompt to Bring someone to a wedding Oh really What that's so fucking rude Are you kidding

Maybe you had a plus one But it's too late. We've tallied the RSVPs and Gus was coming solo. Maybe they're, yeah, they'll share a plate. Gus is coming and he's bringing someone named Lobo Marunga with him as a plus one. Oh yeah, Lobo wants to eat. Shut up, Lobo. I got two dinners now.

I want the chicken. Oh, man, here's the twist. Okay, I guess figured out the twist. Yeah. He gets that wedding and he's just going between Gus, Kub, the check and Lobo his other personality Oh he's Mrs. Dowdfearing?

And then no, no, no. And then it flickers in Jamie Gertz. He is Jamie Gertz the whole time. He was all three people. It's identity. I think of Shelley Long

and the Pika girl. That's right. Yep, he was everyone. I thought you were going to say he meets the actual Lobo Murunga. And it's played by actual renegade. Oh, man.

Yeah. Or it's Mr. Brooks. He's driving. And then there's Dane Cook with a mullet in the back. seat talking of bad New Zealand accent god um yeah so then they just they fly off together cut to shelly long in the airport parking lot with binoculars these are professional grade binoculars these are stalking binoculars you can't get these unless you're in the CIA I think they should

be on like a tripod of some sort they're that big oh yeah she should be setting up a rifle too they came with an orange vest just in case and she's like talking to the little pika kid and she's just like Oh, look at that. You're going to have an Aunt Emily someday, you fucking lunatic. That's pretty presumptive. Totally. I think that the husband is in the trunk. I think that's what's going on.

She's about to leave town, yeah. We're going to Calamazoo. Come on, Piglet. Time to go to Calamazoo. Come on, Piglet. Let's hit the road, Piglet. There's blood just draining out of the trunk. Man.

You're my plus one to the wedding, Piglet. Holy shit. And yeah, they just sort of fly off into the sunset. And she's just stalking people. Cube, easy, breezy saxophone and we're out of there. Totally. Oh. Woo.

I need a breather after that movie, man. That movie stinks. This is an Eric Siski. You've seen this movie like 10 times you said, right? I've seen it quite a few. I don't know if it was on like on Pay Cable. I don't think it was a Comedy Central classic. No.

I'd never seen this movie. I had never seen it. And I watched quite a lot of that Comedy Central. It was on something, like an HBO or something. It was on all the time. And yeah, I just, this movie always stuck with me because of its horrific crimes. And I would recommend it because I feel like it is a seeing is believing. It is crazy.

Yeah. It's hard to find, but you should track it down if you can't. I would not recommend it, but I think it's pretty close to a seeing as believing. Yeah, I think it's right on that. I would not recommend this at all. Again, if you find it, if somebody has. has it and they're like, hey, we're watching the boyfriend school. Maybe sit down because

it is kind of crazy, but like, don't spend any time looking for this thing. No, you know, if you're one of those rare Shelley Long's cinematic completists, of course you want to seek it out. No, I don't know. I think it's a seeing as believing man. This movie's, it's right up there

with like my best friend's wedding, all these crazy romantic comedies that like... I think it's even worse. It is. Because like it's, this is a character he's playing the entire time. It's a tricky evil dance he's doing.

Yes. I mean, yeah, that's a better movie and you got Julia Roberts who's competent. And, man, you're speaking to a Jamie Gertz completest.

I saved this one for last. Oh, wait, so you're it? It's it? You got it? Nice. Wow. My favorite,

Twister might be my favorite. Take out the punch card, man. Jamie Gertz is going officiate your wedding, That's Don't Tell Her. It's me directed by Malcolm Mowbray. For more We Hate Movies, check out WHMpodcast.com or Sideshotnetwork.tv. We're on Facebook. We're on Twitter and you can email us.

We All Hate Movies at gmail.com. Rate and review the show wherever you get it. We would greatly appreciate it. I do want to say, write in if you've got some like, if you've got a story of like a romantic interest lying to you in a crazy outlandish way, I would love to hear about it. I'm sure they're out there. This is kind of like analog catfishing in a way. It is exactly what it is. It's like cosplaying with cat fishing.

Yeah. Cause fishing. I like that. Cosby fishing? I will be in Washington, D.C. if you're listening to this before November 11th, 2016. Because, you know, these go around. Oh, yeah. This is a back catalog.

This is a timeless classic. Districtimprove.org for tickets. There you go. Go to whmpodcast.com. Click on the shop button takes you over to our. T public page, buy some merch there for the holiday season for friends and loved ones. Oh, that's

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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, 2014. 2014. Yeah, yeah, that's available. I made a Turtles movie in 2004. You want to watch it? Right. It's, it's Raphael and Leatherface shitting on a table. Hashtag fan films. Next week on the program, where we got, oh, we're going back to the land of Marvel comic books,

a certain 2005 film by the name of Fantastic Four. It's not fantastic, just letting you know. But there are four of them at least. There are four of them in the movie. There are four movies of this, and none of them are good.

There are four movies? Oh, right, the Roger Corman. And three of them are number ones. You're right. So until next week with the second number one, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Zayn. Chris Gavin. Eric Siska.

Take it easy. Oh, that's it.