We Hate Movies - S7 Ep274: Episode 274 - Fantastic Four (2005)

Episode Date: November 15, 2016

On this week's episode, the gang targets the second of three times the Fantastic Four has been "introduced" to film audiences when they chat about 2005's Fantastic Four! What is with the random nature of that cosmic storm? How do you not film a launch sequence when you send all main characters into space? And what's going on with the Thing's... ya know? PLUS: The guys create what will soon become the most popular comic book character of all time, who will then go on to be played by Bruce Dern in the film adaptation. Fantastic Four stars Ioan Gruffudd, Jessica Alba, Chris Evans, Michael Chiklis, Kerry Washington, and Julian McMahon; directed by Tim Story.Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

And on today's program, we're riffing on one of the absolute worst superhero movies all time. It's the 2005 Fantastic Four. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Seda. Thing. Eric Stormka. Yikes. Let's hope it gets better from here.

And we hate movies. Hello, hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies on the Side Show Network. Thank you for tuning in, as always this week, like we mentioned, at that wretched topic. the program. Oh my god, that was terrible. It was terrible. This is the 2005 Fantastic 4 directed by Tim Story. Didn't he direct some of those barbershop movies? He did. Those barbershop movies are way better than this. I like me some of them barbershop movies. He's done a lot of garbage from what I saw in the I and D. Did taxi, right? Taxi's horrible. Oh, my goodness. Actually, but taxi's not as bad as I thought it was going to be. Taxi, I think, is a perfectly fun hangover movie.

Yeah. Yeah. Hot take. Holy. Holy. Hot take. Hot take. a movie from 12 years ago. Yes. If Chris is the thing, then the question becomes, there's four of us here who's doing what and why. I'm the invisible girl. Yeah, I mean, that's where you want to be. Yeah. When I turn invisible, it's everything but the beard goes. Then it's where we'll have been wearing

a fake beard for 10 years. I mean, Eric is, Eric Stormska, so you'd have be Johnny Storm. I guess so, right? Because, wait, it's Johnny Storm? Yes. And he turns on fire? He's a human torch. I could do that. Did you watch the movie? I did. I just, you know.

I kind of like getting lost of like, wait, so these two brothers and sisters? Are these two fucking witchers what? Actually, the brother and the sister are fucking. Oh, wow. Yeah, that's a pretty edgy take on it. I'm not putting that in there, Kirby. The original Lannisters, two blondes. So I'm smoking a jay with these two young twins.

And let's just say we figured it out. And I said, you two should be fucking. And then Franklin Richards went to the window To see what was going on And Johnny Storms just threw him right out the window Just threw him right out the window Franklin Richards That's the sun, man

Oh, is it really? Yeah So Steve, you would be Richard Reed? Yeah, because I think I'm smarter than I am Read Richards And you're pretty flexible, Steve Oh, I'm very flexible

Just leave that where it is So I don't know anything about the comic And I'm sure everyone listening Doesn't know anything either So let's let's go through this. So, just so I'm clear, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, Fox. Mr. Fantastic Fox. He is kind of a fantastic fox with those silver

fox sideburns. And who, who, and the invisible girl is Susan Storm. The invisible woman, Eric. Not according to this movie. That's got to go by what this movie's tells us. See, people, I have never seen any single fantastic four movie besides Roger Cormons until this one last night. I think Roger Corman's is still the best one. It is. He could see all of them. Yeah, I agree with that. Well, it's the most like watchable probably. And the thing is

Ben Grimm. Ben Grim. Ben Grim. Brooklyn's own. Wait, is that all of them then? Yeah, that's four. And then Johnny Storm, yeah. And Von Doom. Dr. Von Doom. Dr. Victor Vondon. Now in the comic books, is he just in Eastern Europe or is he like actually like an American

Scientish? He's from Eastern Europe. The fake country. of Lataviria. Yes, which I thought was real until about 1996. It's like, oh man, that Soviet Union broke up. What's going to happen to Latvira? The day Stephen Sadek

found a map. It was a banner year at the Sadek household. But the, yeah, they like went to the school together. They had a history and then they kind of broke off and like, yeah, it's not this exactly.

So he was like an exchange student or something? Yeah, like, well, you know, yeah, he was like a super genius. They went to like a super genius college. We'll call it SUNY Purchase. Does it make Justin J.K. is Victor von Doom? Oh, that's exactly right. There you go. Perfect. Yeah, so this movie,

excuse me, is, so it's Jessica Alba as Sue Storm, Chris Evans as Johnny Storm, Yohen Griffith as Reed Richards, and Michael Chickles as Ben Grimm. I've been going around my house calling him

Ion Griffith. It's Gryffold? Griffith. It's Gryff. Yohan Griffith. Andy Griffiths. At least, listen, this is all, like, we source everything on We Hate Movies. It's on his bio on the Tribune. Okay. From organic websites. They tell you how to pronounce it. It says his name is pronounced Yohan Griffith.

All right. Well, that's what we're going to go with. And then, you know, Welsh listeners, correct us. So this is post-Spiderman post-X just kind of right there pre Iron Man. Yeah, we're still two years out from Iron Man, which is why this movie doesn't have a stinger, because it was before the stinger was invented. And pre-Spider Man,

Spider-Man 3 is next year. Yes, 2006. So the Spider-Man 2 had come out. It's 2016, Chris. There's no Spider-Man 3 next year. There's definitely going to be a Spider-Man 3 next year. Really? Yeah. We have to do Spider-Man 3, don't we? Oh, you mean on the episode? I bet like in theaters. Oh, no, no, no.

I thought you were the one and two. get out of the way. Homecoming is coming out next year. Yeah, no, no, no, but yeah, let's say it right now on the air. Summer Blockbuster Extravaganza 2017. Spider-Man 3's on that talk. It's got to have to happen. Yeah. So, um, this is probably one of the worst

opening scenes in history. It's so incredibly clunky. The way that... Right, the Marvel logo? You don't know who these characters are. You have no idea. They're all just jawing at each other And you're like, if you're Eric Sisko who doesn't give a shit about the Fantastic Four, which is your God-given right as an American. Thank you.

So, but you don't know who these characters are. And they're all just kind of like, just talk. You're in the middle of a movie at this point. You're in the middle of a movie. And what's obnoxious is it sets the tone for the entire movie, which is five people just yelling at each other. It's just five people obnoxiously like bickering, just petty fighting.

And it's like, you rich pieces of shit. Will you shut up? You're all rich scientists. Stop John at each other I will say though It's good that it like just gets right into it Yeah Yeah it's true

There's no hold up Let's get right into it Thank God we don't have to see them as children Is what I could say But every movie that ever came out From now on Is that anyone as a child Is that a big part of the comics

Of like them being children No but that was in that new Josh Trank movie You got a lot of it I didn't see it Reed Richard's mother have pearls Oh yes Oh the pearl scene

And then he stretches out to get the movie Oh yeah crazy crazy old Martha Richards Well yeah it gets right to And actually I timed it They are hit by the solar wave In under the first 15 minutes of the movie Perfect

The weird thing is They go to Ben Graham and Reed Richards Go to Von Doom And they're like hey man Could we use your science shit Your space station because we want to get This cosmic storm Which is tomorrow

Right They do say tomorrow So they plan a space Expedition in one day And that's no wonder it goes So horribly wrong It's this crazy, like, all right, who's going to drive it? It's like you're like, you're like figuring out a road trip to the shore.

Like, who's going to take the wheel first? We'll get there in three hours. I can't even plan to come here and do the show in a day. I need like a little bit of notice to figure it out. And this is a big, like, total fucking failure of this movie. How do you send all of the characters into space? And there is nary a launch sequence to be found. All of a sudden, we cut and we're just in space.

And I hadn't seen this since I saw it. theaters. I've seen every Fantastic Four movie that was theatrically released in theaters, by the way. God bless you. Yeah, it's terrible. But I'm sitting there and like, Ben Grimm's like putting on a space suit and I was like, wait, are they in space? And then, like, Chris Evans is like something,

something the airlock. And I was like, you're already there? You're already up there? Where's the rocket? I thought you were in a locker room. Like, where you have to have a thing where they're all strapped in and like Ben Grim's like, I'm going to shit my pants. Or just, again, in the character that Michael

Chickliss has created here, just bickering at Chris Evans, I'm the older man. I should be the fucking pilot. God, it fucking stinks. And can I say, when they're making the pitch to Von Doom to get the money and all the shit that's uncomfortable, we'll talk about groveling. The billions of dollars that would, the billions upon billions of dollars would take for this. It doesn't take trillions to go into space. To build a space station of that magnitude. It's already, no, that's already there. It's already there. I was sorry. But this was pre-existing conditions. But to get there even is a billion bucks. Oh, probably.

A billion bucks. You never hear it put that way. But Eon or Ewan or whatever the fuck. Yoan. Just call him by his character name. Reed. Rex Reed. Yes.

Oh, I bet Rex Reed hated this. So, like, Mon Doom throws like this, what's great, there's a lot of nice magazine covers in this movie. There's a better magazine covers you see in the Marvel universe. I agree. There's a wired magazine cover. of Rex Reed going bankrupt.

The church is bankrupt. Oh, that's embarrassing. You know what you should do? Sell that fucking building you own. But how about for starters sell a building in downtown Manhattan? Why don't you just have an apartment? Well, where are you going to put the,

you know, all the science stuff? Yeah, like get an apartment, rent a studio in like, you know, in midtown, like go to champions or something. And there you can do your science there next to a bunch of improv troops. They should go out to Jackson Heights. Hey, Mr. Richards, because you keep it quiet.

We're trying to do a pretty sweet group game next door. I'm working on unstable molecules, but I'll do my best. Oh, that's our improv name. That's our troupe name, the unstable molecules. But, yeah, so he's bankrupt, I guess, sure. The funny thing is Ben Grimm, who is really ill-defined, especially, like, his connection to everybody, like. Yeah.

He's like, forget it, Reed. This is, he's doing, like, he goes at strip mall science. And I'm like, what are you even talking about Ben Graham? Because I didn't think that he was a scientist, right? Is Ben Graham a scientist? Or what's his deal? He's supposed to be like a pilot, like a pilot. Okay.

And like you, an old football star. Of course, I bet. But talking about he could have gone state. But I get, anyway, the strip mall science thing is just like code for science that makes money. Yeah, exactly. Like it's not, it's successful. Yeah, he's not struggling in bankrupt. He's given results.

Like, here's the thing. Reed Richards comes prepared for this meeting. He's got a fucking suit and tie on. He walks in. Michael Chickles is wearing a fucking turtleneck. A beige turtleneck to a fucking pitch meeting. And he's wearing his jacket the whole time with an outerwear jacket. That was making me uncomfortable.

I was like, take that jacket off, Ben Grimm. You're in a business meeting. What are you and Kurt Russell about to kill the thing? And that grimace on his face? It looks like you just drank a cup of urine. Dude, Michael Chichlis is not good in this movie. No, he's not. No one is good in this movie.

No, I would say absolutely nobody is good. But Michael Chickles is just like, he's just doing his shield character. And I'm like, I don't need fucking Vic Mackey in the Marvel universe. Thank you very much. If it was actually Vic Mackey, yes, I would need him. Like Ben Grimm's going to go around a dark alley and beat some drug dealer to death. I do think that what's his face, a nip tuck guy is okay mustache twirling. Like, it's not Julian McMahon.

Julian McMahon. It's not, he's not great. Oh, it's actually pronounced Holiannickman. why are you making fun of the Welsh it's not his fault that's not I don't mean it I just I just hate names I mean Cisca with two silent Zs dancing around in there well obviously our Polish listeners know the true meaning

so Jessica Alba Oh speaking of terrible I mean like here's one thing like she's a Latino woman She's got dark hair you want to dye her hair blonde and say that she's related to Chris Evans fine. She looks like shit. Her hair color is the same color as your skin and it's unsettling

and she might as well be a cardboard cutout with her performance in this movie. But the blue contact. She was like a fucking vampire. I don't understand it. Or how about how about you just make her a brunette? How about who cares? Because you know what? Who cares? That's my mood.

But here's the thing is she's not fantastic yet she should resemble a human being and she does not resemble a human being. She looks like a robot. She looks like she's on humans. Oh, the other thing about Jessica Alba, don't feel terrible for her

because she's a billionaire with that fucking cosmetics line she owns. So it doesn't matter that she's one of the worst actors of all time. Do not worry about Jessica. Oh, don't do that. Come on, she's a loving mother and a billionaire.

I don't care. I don't care. So they, uh, Reed and, Reed and her have history, apparently, because we keep getting reminded that in that, through bickering. In every scene. So they go to space. Like, ah, fuck it. Let's go to space. You ready to go to space? Hey, dude, you're ready to go to space? Buckle up. Hey, man, you're 15 minutes late. We're going to space today. I can't believe you were late for going to space. Pre-space shots, everybody?

Shoot, shots, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot. Mine is fucking well with the casual nature in which we go to space. Does this take place? Does this take place in the future? Maybe it's a near future situation? No, it does not. And I'll tell you why right now, because it's something I noticed.

In one of the several scenes in which the public is gawking at them for being monsters, there's two things, but not one thing. There are indeed... Wait, there's two Ben Grims? Listen, no. No, I guess that was poorly worded. But there are video cameras and...

cell phones, but there are not cell phones with cameras attached. That's true. This is firmly fucking planted in 2005. There's a great digital camera joke that Johnny Storm makes. When Ben Grimm realizes that Johnny Storm's going to be the

captain instead of him of this space mission that's being assembled in 24 hours, he's like you got him the jerky? We're going to space. You got to be kidding me. And like Johnny Storm comes in with a digital camera with like 16 pixel Megapixel digital camera $299.

Memory stick, $69. The look on your face when you saw I was going to be captain. Priceless. Dude, rolled, yeah. A video camera joke rolled into a master card joke. Yeah, this movie is 2005, and 2005 might have been the nadir of American society.

Yeah. Technology, down to the music that we hear in this movie. The haircuts, my God. Yeah, 2005 to 2006. Worst time. Exactly. I'd rather live in 1865. get burned as a witch in 1865 trust me

there are places you can go in America today yeah that's true we can get burned as a witch that's true I'm sure 1865 they were lighting everyone up so they go to space

they're all kind of just milling there's no one and they're all five of them I guess are super qualified even though like you know Dr. Doom is like or Victor von Doom's like

you know a scientist but more of a businessman everyone's just man in this space station Nobody else is even there. No, it's five people are running a space station. I need Joey Slotnick and mission control. You know what I mean?

Just give me something. I need somebody on the ground. Joey Slotnick would totally work. Maybe Joey Pants in a pinch. Oh, I think Joey Pants would be terrific. You can't afford Ed Harris, of course. No, no, no, no. Or Billy Bob Thornton, probably.

No, you didn't have Billy Bob Thornton money. Can we talk about before we get into, you know, the fantastic thing? Can we talk about the introductory scene of Johnny Storm? Oh, yes. I hate this. I've never hated. Explain, explain in detail. Minute by minute.

So Ben Grimm and Reed Richards are at the station right after the meeting. It's just like looking through binoculars down and Chris Evans is on a fucking motorcycle. Oh, yep. And there's a car next to him with just some random woman who gets out of the the car to kiss him while driving. Oh yeah, dude. It's sexy and dangerous. Fuck yourself. More importantly there was cool music and

she was... Velvet Revolver. Yeah. Supergroup Velvet Revolver. This woman was listening to that velvet man and saw his boot cut jeans and got out there and gave him a smoochie smoo. I like that I like that horizontal stripe on your

sweater I'm going to make out with you. Hey that sweater is three tight Three sizes too large. You look attractive inside of it. Oh, those stupid sunglasses are going to need the vapors. Oh, my God, everybody. It's an old Navy model. I like your really sharp sideburns.

He's got a stupid haircut in this movie. It's like a buzz cut that's like four weeks grown in, and he looks ridiculous. He looks like he's in sync. I mean, like very much so. Yeah, totally. He just needs the goggles. So we're in space, and Victor von Doom is like,

proposing to Jessica Alba, but he's Dr. Dooms, he has to give her a green wedding ring. And I'm like, what are you talking about? Wait, it's a kryptonite? It might have been, oh, forage from kryptonite itself. Right, I think Latviria has kryptonite mines. Oh, that could be. Here's my question.

Are they fucking or what? Like, is that Wait, wait, wait, wait, Alba and Van Doom? Yeah. Non-stop. Are you kidding me? Yeah, okay, right. Oh, yeah. Dude, yeah, he's been mining for stuff in there, too. Yeah, I think Alba is more of the like I'm having fun here my boss kind of took into you know

we work together all the time we're up late together occasionally we fuck which is why then she's like marriage proposal oh thank God this solar storm is coming oh death is coming fantastic what do you think this is

we were just having fun here it's not that speaking of what do you think this is this solar storm how does how an ever loving fuck does it give them these powers well you're incorrect because it's a cosmic storm, which means it's really ill-defined. Right out of Stan Lee

and or Jack Kirby's brain, depending on who you have. No, no, no. It was Stan's brain. Stansbra. All stands. I mean, who? Jack what? I am Jack Kirby. Steve, what? Yeah, it was a Tony Clifton thing.

I would put on sunglasses. I would take my sunglasses off, and I would be Jack Kirby, and I would draw all the comic books. Look, if Superman can do it, Stan the Man do it, too? Oh, that's right. I also made Superman. Take that Jerry Siegel. I was Jack Kirby, and then I faked my own death. And then

it's going to be great. In 30 years, I'm going to reveal that I'm still alive. So they get hit by this cosmic storm, and you're right, Eric, it's stupid. And I should say now, I've never liked the Fantastic Four. I don't like this fun-loving family

horse shit comic line. I think there's something to it, but nobody's been able to get a handle on it. No, not at all. Nobody's been really good at it. A storm happens in outer space. Cosmic storm. A cosmic storm. Okay.

All right. And yeah, the storm comes to and it's like, yeah, this guy's fire now. You could be rubber and you're invisible and you're a poo. You're this poop I made. A hard poo. And then other guys' skin falling off, metalloman. Shouldn't they just all have the same power? Or the same cancer?

Yes. They should all have the same kind of cancer. Speaking of skin melting. Yeah, I mean, it's very silly. But I get it's a comic book. I know there's people like wrinkling up newspapers. Ready to bop you on the nose. Are they going to swat their iPhone?

Yes. Well, the weird thing is... I'm sorry, you know. It's just... Don't ruin your funny pages, but... It's really stupid. And the weird thing is the beginning of this movie is about 71% of it. Because, like, this is all the beginning of the movie.

And then we go to this, like, this hospital where they're all being quarantined. And this takes forever. And, like, you're like, oh, so now he's going to... Now, Michael Chickles will be the thing. No, he's just regular Michael Chickles for a long time. We gotta wait for these powers to set in. Are you kidding me? And while he's being...

While his insides are turning into solid rock, he's doing like this parent trap horseshit with Jessica Alba with Sue Storm and Reed Richards. It's like, I'm going to get my parents back to get me. You know, I just can't stand to see you's twos apart. It's so sad.

He's like, Two hearts got broken last time. Oh, just step back for a second, Ben Graham. And there's so many scenes where he's like, you just got to tell you. I mean, I've known all three of you guys for a really long time.

you're my closest friends. I've never said to any one of you, dude, you just got to tell her you love her, man. You know what I mean? I'd be like, Steve, shut the fuck up. You're not your fucking business. I'm really sad that you guys broke up and I want to see you kiss again.

Could you get over there and kiss? I'm overly invested in your relationship. I'm going to be very frankly honest here. I hate all my wife's friends. And I haven't been able to go out for a decent meal on a double date in a long time. Oh, you mean Debs? I got to hear up and down about

fucking Debs and how great Debs is. Until we meet her. Yikes. And she's a coward. Yeah, I mean, like, he does this thing. He does this thing. He's like, oh, hey, Susie, meet me in the observatory. Hey, Reed, meet me in the observatory.

Oh, no reason. Well, you're two, you're both here right now in the observatory. Maybe you could make out for me. You are just too good looking not to be having sex. We cut to like they're in like a cafeteria and it's like this it's like stupid obnoxious like the gangs having all these laughs and it like Chickles is just like fake laughing like let him tell the story. Let him. And I was like if someone doesn't turn into a rock monster in five seconds, I'm going to fucking lose it. The chemistry is terrible because like he's a he's a British like, you know, a British like royally trained actor. Michael Chickles is Michael Chickles

And she's Jessica Alba Like, and they're all different ages Like the idea that they would They grew up together That's a big problem Is that they're all friends And they're all at least five years apart From Evans up to

I would wager chickless as the oldest one Like there's no fucking way These people are hanging out all the time Chickles was on fucking Seinfeld You know what I mean? This is the commission we're talking about Jessica Alba was in short pants When the commission was on

Like Ben Graham, like, was like, oh, hey, you're a shoe storm. I know you're in kindergarten, but why don't you kiss this boy? He's in seventh grade. His name's Reed Richards. And I'm 30. And I want to see you two kiss. Like, this is some clink, clink stuff if that's what we're talking about. It's very uncomfortable.

It just doesn't make any goddamn sense. And you're right. The chemistry is so off. None of these people are friendly with each other. And that would even, I mean, because. the effects are so bad. You would hope that the actors at least would be able to hold their own because that's what you have to depend on if nothing else works.

And my God. Yeah, no, it's fucking terrible. So finally, at this, like, we're telling old stories over drinks, sesh that they have here, chickless starts getting, like, indigestion. I got to take a shit. Oh, my God. It's like, I got a batch of rocks in my ass.

I got to take a shit end. chug a pepto It's like a Zucker brother's production I really I would love if there was a scene of him shit and rocks right Like my ass Oh oh oh

And then they get up And they're like little babies And they start sticking to him Like no Start nursing off like he's got Like little pebble nipples now God It's like Mickey Mouse and Fantasia

This is a bunch of little ones but actually that was a question I kind of thought of watching this last night because there's that scene where the thing's eating a big stack of flapjacks and I was like, what's happening to those pancakes? What is happening to those pancakes? It's just a question that gets raised.

How would he even live? This is what drives me crazy. You can see he has a normal mouth. Underneath the rock stuff, he's not completely rock, which the thing was completely rock if I'm not. So you're upset that he could still do mouth stuff.

Yes. He shouldn't be able to do mouth stuff. It should just be like, I mean, I guess it would need to be a little wet to talk. Hey, Dembs, I can still do mouth stuff. Come over here, Deb. Want to ride the craggy peak? Oh, my God.

I mean, movies gonna get there eventually and it's gonna go there again. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, like, there needs to be, I mean, like, you either do it where, I think this movie does a decent job of being like, eh, it's science and just fucking forget about it. Well, because you have to. I mean, you can't make a Christopher Nolan Dark Knight trilogy of this stupid world, okay?

It's just not going to happen. You can't ground Ben Grimm. It would be great if he wakes up and he's a big rock monster, but it's just blood all over his spit. When his body popped and rocks came out. Oh, God, it's disgusting. You know, Cronenberg maybe he could do it. Oh, yeah, that's who should be doing this. And Johnny Storm, he goes on a really,

Maria Minutes. Yeah. Is that Hollywood or? Well, the whatever minute in front of movies. Oh, yeah, that's right. First look. Is it first look? Yeah, first look.

That's right. You'll see her in the movies. Well, that's a, dude, she's in the movies every weekend. On first look. Introducing commercials for things She's like his nurse And then he's like Hey let's go snowboarding

And she's like sure It's 2005 Why the fuck not They rent a helicopter From God knows where Again like just like we got to space In five seconds You know what you can't do

Just quick book a helicopter There's not an Uber I got the impression Uber Huber I got the impression that they were at like a secret hospital

right is it like von dooms special hospital and that has a I think that has a helicopter I think that yeah I think that's where it's from and I think they're like on a mountain right that is owned by that's why they're they're in Switzerland so they're in the Alps okay yeah yeah all right but so there you go but you need a scene of him like bribing the like the you know the copter pilot like hey man just take me up there I want to jump out of my cool snowboard with Marie Maduro's here but that would cut into the some 41 song we get which is really really bad ass This is really bad.

This is unforgivable. This whole movie is just god-awful. People talk about the death of rock radio. Like, that's a bad thing. But this is what killed it, right? Some 41 and Velvet Revolver. They shook hands and the world ended. And this is an STP head saying this.

I am an STP head. Oh, man. For younger listeners, that implies a Stone Temple Pilots fan. And if you want to know what Stone Temple Pilots are, ask your dad. Yes. He'll have an idea. So, whilst snowboarding, he catches on fire. Well, she's like, you're hot.

And he goes, I know, right? Because that's pretty cool. Fucking tubular. And then he's like in a, it's like, it becomes like a hot spring. Like, he's just like, he's just like sexy and water. This is the single most unbelievable part of this movie. And there's a dude who's got a rock for a heart. And it pumps rock blood.

Yeah, yeah. Okay. He crashes into like a snowbank and melts a bunch of it. And it turns into a hot spring, and he's naked because all his, like, snow suit stuff burned off. And he's just in this bubbling water. And she's looking at him like, what the fuck? And he goes, like, care to join me? And it's a shot from a fucking 80s boob comedy, this babe's legs.

And you see her ski poles, and the ski poles drop like she's into it. Are you kidding me? She gives an old school Mentos commercial shrug beforehand. Well, whatever. Then we never see her again. And you know what happened to her? She got flash boiled like Dante's Peak? Yep.

He was screwing her until she was nothing but ash. And she got scattered across the mountains. It was like she looked like Kristen Dunst did interview with the vampire at the end there. Oh my God. Yeah, exactly. And then Johnny Storm is just like, well, women go missing all the time. Yeah, no, no, no. I was definitely snowboarding alone.

And then he's got to kill that helicopter pilot. that guy doesn't go along with it. Hey, don't worry. There's plenty of nurses. Bantuam will buy me a new one. This is all easy fixes for him. Oh, sorry. I mean, this begins a consistent

aggravation in this movie where every scene has to be like, do you remember I'm on fire? Do you remember I'm invisible? Do you remember I can stretch? Do you remember I'm a fucking boulder? with gravel for blood

but that's the thing is this like 90% of this movie is them just doing experiments and figuring out their powers and then they fight Dr. Doom in an intersection for five minutes credits to be fair Chris I feel like I would be using the words

do you remember I'm a fucking bolder a lot if I was Ben Grimm chickless kind of does he's like I wish I could turn invisible Susie but like you're so fucking insensitive to my condition. I still don't get why he turns into a boulder. Did he take his lucky rock on the trip?

They do make a smart, not smart, but a decision wherein like when the accident happens, Ben is the most exposed to it, so he would get it the worst. Right, yeah, he's like outside. Yeah, his mouth was open. So he got a mouthful of cosmic storm. He can still do mouth stuff.

So he, and I do think the, worst looking effect that they have and this goes for the 2015 movie as well is stretchy skin we are not anywhere near even right now we can't do stretchy skin we can't and that's why listen all these people that want that stretch Armstrong movie to have just look at this

wait wait there are people that want to stretch Armstrong movies people want movies for everything they wanted one with uh wasn't Taylor Lautner supposed to do it your your favorite Eric my favorite I'm so it's so funny how he washed out so fast It was quick. It was real quick.

Are you surprised? I am because we have a garbage culture. Although he's kind of really smart because he joined up with that fucking Adam Sandler crew and now he's going to be in all those fucking movies. He'll be all over Netflix till the end of time. Yeah. Right.

He wasn't in the do-over, was he? No. I didn't watch the do-over. Just me. And yet I'm asking questions about it. That shows you how much I paid attention to it. So, yeah, it looks terrible, right? the stretch, it just, it looks, like, at one point he slides his hand under a door.

This thing, you could confuse it for a flying toaster. It's so terrible. It's astounding. And you're watching it, and you're like, is this movie really only 11 years old? Like, is that it? Is that it? Like, the Corman movie looks better. Much better.

With their stupid practical effects. You're better off, like, he always wears gloves and that's when you see it. Because, like, it's the skin tone that really gets you. Yep. Because it just, it looks. gross, first of all. And how on earth do we not know how to make somebody invisible at this point? Like, fucking

Claude Raines did it. Fucking 50 years, 100 years ago, whatever the hell that was. My God, they just, they have to Hollow Man is better. They computerize it, so like there's always, like, you can always kind of see her, which is stupid. That's the problem. That's the problem. And that's where Hollow Man gets

it right, is they just let him be invisible and you're using effects, much like Claude Raines in the 1940s. Yes. You know, just you're fucking You got, you know, gloves on strings and whatever the hell else is going on. But you have to, like, see the outline of her. And my God, this looks like garbage. It does.

And you could have just saved money. Totally. Not there. How about that? I actually think I like the chickless suit. I think that's probably the... What? What?

What? What? What? I agree with Steve. At least, like, the practical nature of it. I think it looks better than the 2015 version where it's just a cartoon. Yeah. I did not see the...

I actually prefer the card. I mean, this, my problem with chickless in the suit is that he's always like, moop, like he's just always like a shared, I'm a share monster. I'm going to, bu, blah, blah, Debbie, take me back to it. He's got pebbles for balls, dude. You would be a sad sack, too.

You also are invincible. Who cares? You look like garbage. You look like a pile of orange garbage. That's just preventing suicide, Chris. Yes, of course. That's true. Let's be.

honest you're everybody yeah totally there's no way you can commit suicide that sucks you'd have like two fun days as an orange rock monster like well that's over with can the thing drown that yeah probably right you just you jump in a river that's it you sink right to the bottom if i was inflicted with this i'd go live in the woods like a saskatch yeah like a like a crazy like monster that lives in a cave oh nice and you just be cat fishing people left and right yeah yeah i'd be cat wait you'd have internet access to this case? I'd be getting Wi-Fi from the Ranger Station. In between

killing hikers, I'd have a long-distance girlfriend who I'd write love messages to and tell her that my camera's broken on my laptop. And then even Mac show up and everyone feels bad because you're like, you know, I used to look

like this, but then I had a couple of bad weeks and I turned into an orange rock monster and it was nice to be somebody else for a little while. Holy shit, it's Eric Siska from leading movies. That's what happened to him. Well, let me see a picture of you before you became a rock monster. Yo?

Well, I don't think I could ever find a way to love you. We'll still be friends. Update, they haven't spoken in three months. We just Skype with the thing. You're not catfishing people anymore, right? Yeah, no, I'm going to the gym now, and things are a little better. Been eating a lot of trees. Just, stop.

working on myself and oh I will not be using the computer. That's always a lie. It's a big lie. When they're saying that, it just means they've become addicted to internet pornography. They just don't want to admit it on MTV.

And if he can't dial a phone, imagine him with a laugh. He's breaking seven a day. So we do have to get into it. He goes, everyone's like, oh, cool, we have these cool superpowers. The thing realizes he's not rock monster.

It's a rock monster. Sorry. I've been waiting for minutes. We spend a lot of time not showing the thing because it's going to look so good. Look out for it. He goes to Brooklyn and steals an overcoat. God, he's just like a ninja turtle. He is just like a ninja turtle. He

robs the same big and tall shop that Raphael shopped. He doesn't wear a shirt that's got these slacks. The thing of these slacks. You can't button a shirt with those fucking fingers. Dude, come on. And also, but zipping up, you know, you don't have to zip. You don't have to zip. You don't have the button. Just borrow one of Chris Evans sweaters.

Yeah, that's a good point. You'll fit in it. The thing is, that isn't a longstanding 1960s tradition is he dresses like a Ninja Turtle when he's like out about the town. Like, he doesn't want the paparazzi to get him. Well, there's paparazzi all over this movie, so it's validated. He goes to see his fiancee. He's like, hey, Deb, come downstairs real. quick, I gotta show you something. And she comes out naked for some reason. Why are you walking around

at downtown Brooklyn in a 90? That's a problem. That's a big question. That doesn't make sense. Did she get hit by something too? Is that her power now? Exhibitionism. Yeah. This is Lori Holden the most hated character on the

Walking Dead. Oh, that is her. Good for her. Yeah. I wish she lived long enough for Nagin so she could see that fucking baseball bat. That's how much I hated that character. Although that suicide was pretty sharp. So, speaking of suicide, she runs away.

Ben Grimm goes to the top of the Brooklyn Bridge. Yeah, she's disgusted by him. She can't even look at him. It's a fucking monster movie scream that she lets out and runs away. Like into traffic, puking. I mean, wouldn't you? So he goes to the top of the Brooklyn Bridge, and then the guy from the beginning of lethal weapon shows up.

that he's going to kill himself. And like this whole thing then sets off. I mean, he's trying to save one life. There's at least nine people that get killed in the aftermath of this shit. And at the end of it, everyone applauds them because like, so basically it's like a Rube Goldberg bit where like he tries to save this guy

and then he throws him off. And then he like, he hip checks a truck. This trucker is dead. Oh, yeah, this guy's speaking of flapjacks. It's like a loony tune. things like what is going on and then a fire truck shows up the blues brothers crash all these police cruisers illinois's nazis go over a bridge and then like god i almost said rex reed again richard richard richard god fuck it reed reads shows up there you go and he grabs what this is the one of the

there's so much bad cg i oh course so terrible this fireman flies off the bridge and one of the calamities that ensues one of and this rubber guy stretches down to catch him and it looks so bad it's like this look it's like bird demic yeah it's shark nato area it's close

and we get one of the many shots of Jessica Alba in a bra which is kind of the point I guess this is the dumbest fucking thing is like she starts turning invisible and you know the thing about New Yorkers is we are good at ignoring a lot of shit uh huh so if you're just like

standing around and then all of a sudden there's just like a shirt you're like whatever yeah okay it's a floating shirt I can't I can't possibly whatever I think there was a floating shirt on my train right off here right yeah totally that floating shirt was man spreading and you couldn't sit down oh the thing would be a fucking menace on the subway

oh totally what do you want me to do you mean I think I think my train had the thing I was gonna say wouldn't the thing step on it and the whole thing would just break no he wouldn't be able to take public transportation That's sad

He's walking everywhere But like, you know She turns invisible for like two seconds And he's like Reed Richards is like Quick take your clothes off And I was like What?

And then she accidentally Like she loses it Because she has no control over the power yet And then she just turns back And it's like Jessica Alba And brawn panties And you're like Well that's what that was for

Thanks Tim's story Thanks Maxim magazine Circa 2005 awesome Oh yeah She was America's girlfriend at the time So, yeah, I mean, they cause mass hysteria. But everyone's like, our heroes. Well, because, like, these cops are going to fucking shoot them dead.

And then these firefighters step in. They're like, no, no, no, no. This monster saved everybody. Like, let's all calm down. And, like, a tent is erected right in the middle of the Brooklyn Bridge. And we're sorting through everything. And then this is another thing. It's one of the biggest things that make no sense in this movie.

they're like oh there's a bunch of news media outside this that the other thing and Chris Evans is like really excited to go like talk to them because he's the hot shot and this that and the other thing and then this firefighter comes in and he's like all right you four it's time and I'm like why are you regulating this press conference firefighter here and here's something you talk about erecting a tent on the Brooklyn Bridge and like all the New Yorkers flock to these people New Yorkers hate their commuter commute to be fucking obstructed remember when those Black Lives Matter protest were on, either, was it the Brooklyn Bridge or... It was the Westside Highway? The West Side Highway. And everyone was fucking losing their mind. Like, dead people, whatever. I gotta get home. A fucking rock monster is just like parked out

obstructing everyone's ride home. Yep. Oh, no, no, no. Wait, are you talking about Bridgegate? Wait, oh no, you're talking about the movie. The monster's not Chris Christie? I'm a little lost. It's kind of Chris Christie. And Chris Christie as the thing.

he looks like the thing he does he totally did they shop at the same store just as mopey so uh johnny storm is like oh cool we're a super team and then they give themselves the name the fantastic four incorrect the news media does as told to us by this firefighter who's also their PR agent

because he's like that's what they're calling you the fantastic forest get out of here fire chief He's also calling, like, Reed Richard's son a bunch. Like, come on, son. I'm like, you're the same age. Isn't he like a year younger than you? Actually, one thing about, speaking of disfiguration, one of the things that happens to Reed Richards in the cosmic storm

is he gets the salt and pepper thing on the side of his head. Yeah. Sure. Why doesn't he just have that? If you want that, just have it. Because it's like you don't want to have, like, an old man be in your movie, even though, like, the character is an older dude. Yeah.

Heaven the fuck forbid. I think it's simpler than that. I think it's like, well, we need all the origin stories. Origin of your hair. Yes. You're true. The cosmic storm says this guy's made of rock now. And you got a little hair gray.

A little hair gray. You can stretch and you have gray hair. And then also the thing that we're, you are a rock monster. You are a slightly more distinguished. The thing that we did mention also is that so not only can she turn invisible, but Sue Storm has like some sort of fucking force field thing that she can throw at people

it's a force field I mean she's got this like telekinetic force field horses shit thing she uses it to save a bunch of people in this disaster that they cause it's like fire shooting out now like I don't even know what's going on on this bridge it's like

this is the drunkest Stanley ever was creating something yeah she's invisible and she's got a big force field you can throw it people Her son's going to be like an atom bomb or something. It's the drunkest he's been taking credit for something. All right.

Give me that paper. And the fire can fly. The fire guy flies. Sure. Why not? Give me another. Oh, God. I wish I could just stretch.

Stretching it. Oh, my God. I got it. All right. Wait. Jack, he's got. something other than gray sideburns you can stretch to

it's a secondary power we start with the gray sideburns so then we got to go back to the Baxter building and speak in a Stan Lee oh there he is playing Willie Lumpkin an actual comic book character oh is that right yeah oh what

Willie Blumpkin Lumpkin oh is this a wait is this a famous male man in the Marvel universe He's a famous mailman that likes getting blown on the toilet. Is that his powers, Steve? His name is the real Willie Leibowitz, but everyone calls him Willie Lumpkin because, you know.

Oh, man, and he's just dressed like a cartoon mail carrier, and he's like, this is the dumbest line. Or he goes, he's like, hey, welcome back to the Baxter, Dr. Richards. I got the usual, and I was like, by the usual, you mean a pile of mail, as you are indeed a male carrier. By the way, Willie, what did we talk about? The mailbox is right there. That's our interaction. You put the mail in the mailbox and you leave the Baxter building.

Tip your hat if you'd like, but do not fucking talk to me. This scene should have been him just screaming at him. A real down-pressing. Do your fucking chop. Yeah, exactly. It's all the mail out of his hands. I tip you.

I tip you at Christmas, so I don't have to talk to you for the rest of the year. What other appearances was Larry Blumpkin in? His name was Willie Lumpkin. What other appearances? Spider-Man? He was like a supporting character of the Fantastic Four. Oh, God.

Was he helping him out? I don't know. He was just around. This guy has a fucking mailman. I don't know. He has your bills, Dr. Richards. Like, you know what, dude? Do not look at my...

Don't peruse my mail and fucking glean what is inside of it. It's the most embarrassing kind of mail because it's a bunch of envelopes that all are stamped past due in big red blocks. Like, yeah, he would be, I mean, we never see him make money. Like, he's in real trouble here.

Sell that high rise. Wait, oh, you're talking about Reed, not Larry Blumkin. Oh, Willie Blumkin's got a pension. He's a federal employee who likes getting blown on the toilet. So what I was going to say is Victor von Doom

is now, he is now losing all of his money because all the people involved in his company are like, what the fuck are you, why'd you blow up the fucking space station? What, yeah, totally. He didn't get the memo. Well, you went up in a day? Yeah, we would have had a meeting about this before. I would have assumed. Yeah, you fast-tracked a

space launch. Are you kidding me? Well, actually, the board had just watched Spider-Man won and they were like, oh, we'll just do that. Yeah, yeah, we can just do that. See what they did there to Norman Osborne? Yeah, we'd just do that. Yeah, I love that Willem Defoe. So if you think about it, true villain of this

movie. Uh-huh. It's capitalism. Oh, guarantee it. Yet again. Spikes again. Rivers its ugly head. And Victor Vondume was also on the space station. And like all that's happening to him is he's got this like weird scar that is kind of growing.

Yeah, his hair's fallen out. Hamish Link Ladder is playing as Mr. Smithers. It's before he discovered independent cinema. Yeah, totally. And starring on TV shows, nobody watches. Definitely. I'm looking at you, the crazy ones. Oh, right. He was also also on the new adventures of old christine for

oh big time yeah people liked that show did they it ran for long enough it did it's their mistake but like he's basically like becoming more and more evil I guess his hand is getting metalized at some point I mean this isn't

Dr. Doom by the way Dr. Doom is just like a guy with I mean sometimes he has power sometimes he doesn't he kind of gives himself powers he wasn't on the space station he's just a guy wearing a mask fucking up shit That's it. Really?

Yeah. He's not like a metallic man. No, he's not made a metal. It's a suit of armor. I prefer that, actually. A great Dr. Doom note is at one point, because he learns a lot of, like, magic from Dr. Strange, and then they go down, they go down to hell to find Dr. Doom's mother because he wants to bring her back from hell.

Whoa, that's pretty cool. I was smoking to Joey, spoke to to Joe, Dr. Doom, when we went, oh, man, we went to hell one night. I didn't realize Dr. strange helped dictators I guess that makes sense benevolent dictator yeah

so we're at the Baxter building and there's this weird thing where he's like Dr. Reverage is like hey man I promise I will fix you I'm going to work day and night tirelessly to find a way to reverse this

by the way let's explore our powers and fun montages for a while we all have to live at the Baxter building if I'm Johnny Storm or anyone else except for the thing I'm commuting you know what I mean like you don't need to camp out yeah I could be there nine to five if you need me there.

I guess with Johnny Storm, though, they're like, man, you could like accidentally burst into flames in any second. We need you close at hand in case that happens. So we're learning powers. He goes supernova at one point

and it's like, it's a classic cross-the-streams moment because he's like, Johnny, you can't do that. That would destroy Earth's atmosphere. He's like, Supernova, bad. Got it. I'm a baby.

I don't understand anything. Save it for the end of the movie. Yeah, exactly. I'm going to go listen to my Sum 41 mixtape. There is a scene. where Mr. Fantastic takes a shit, which I really appreciate. It's part of the montage.

There's a stupid fucking montage of them like learning how to use their powers. This toilet paper gag. And there's like this cute music all over it. And it sucks. So to explain it to people, it was like the stretch hand

goes out of the toilet. Wait, he's not in the toilet. He's sitting on the toilet. And he goes and gets a toilet paper. But the best is Chris Evans is watching this go down and he's like, what?

it's this horrible reaction shot of Chris Evan and then Blumpkin's next to him Hey pass the paper I'm done Oh fuck Oh my God Come on you know

He might enjoy getting blown on the toilet But he still wipes Yeah You gotta be clean There is the worst part of this entire movie Which is the shaving cream gag Oh yeah And you know

The thing is sleeping And, like, you know, I do think that Johnny Storm has literally a heart made of ice. Because, like, if you, Andrew, if you turn into a fucking rock monster, I am walking on eggshells for the rest of my life. We're still friends. I'm never bringing it up. I'm never really looking directly at you, but I'm like, oh. Well, also because, like, and this is where he's playing fast and lose with his own life. You don't know when this thing's going to snap and break your neck.

Exactly. Well, that's the thing is like, you turn into a rock monster, Andrew. I'm never going to see you again. but also not even break your head literally he just has to put his hand on your head and squeeze and you're done Jason Vorhe's you I don't care that you can set on fire

that doesn't matter what is fire do to rock nothing paper if the thing went to a paper factory and a box fell out yes that would be a problem one of them turns into scissors for some reason maybe there were scissors nearby

yeah the cosmic storm didn't dictate that Hamish Linklater maybe Maybe he has scissor hands No Edward Freddy Freddy Kruger versus the thing In a movie right You can find this on YouTube

And Freddie Krueger's like I'm gonna get you And then he goes sorry Rock crushes scissors And he just turns his hand Into jelly Oh that grabs it But then the paperman comes

Oh yes And wraps himself up And dude who's delivering paper but the mailman Blumpkin. Oh shit, dude, Blumpkin turns into paper. Paper covers rock, idiot. Around this time, Johnny Storm goes to the X games. Sure does.

And where the fuck is this happening, by the way? Is that Madison Square Garden? I guess it's Madison Square Garden. I don't know. Who could know? He also starts to drag race on the way there because he's an asshole. Like, you cannot drag race in fucking Manhattan proper. You'll hit a horse. Also, by the way, biggest mystery of this movie,

when all this is going on, we're getting back. back from space, we got hit by the cosmic storm, we got all these powers, oh my God, this, that, and the other thing, where does he find time to get a personalized license plate at the DMV that says torched? That's a great question. It's been four days.

Come on with the personalized license plate gag. Well, he saved three people on a bridge so maybe they fast tracked it for him. My ass. One of them worked at the DMV. The only time the city of New York did anything for anybody. So at the X Games,

everyone like confronts him because he's like being too flashy with it this is the most product placement i've ever seen in the universe oh man it's it's kind of tough it's like overload it was sensory overload there's soby there's a family guy ad prominently placed yeah there sure is i miss that you got pepsy you've got the dumbest gag which is he kind of turns on fire and the thing kicks him into a whopper uh billboards so then like the wopper billboard kind of sets on fire because it's a flame broiled wopper. Oh, my fucking God. LG, Yahoo,

like everything. Everything you can imagine. Wait, does that guy come around? Is that a comic book character, LG Yahoo? He's also a tiny brush. He's also a bunch of gold powers. Oh, wow.

I like this idea. It's sort of like a kid midas type of thing. Yeah, he was crushed into gold mine. Stanley has been listening, fuming. And now he's like, well, I got a new idea, though. I got a new character. LG Yahoo.

L.J. Yahoo was mining for gold in 1865. Correct. And there was a cashier gold down there, but right next to it was plutonium. Oh, no. Right? That was a dangerous mine. And now he becomes... But then, so it collapsed in on him back in the 1860s, right?

And he was like, it presumed dead for decades. Wow. And then all of a sudden, there was like... We were, like, developing the land, and they were, like, pulling back a bunch of dirt and whatnot. They were building Hill Valley. It's like the opening of There Will Be Blood They fucking uncovered him, dude

And then he rose out Oh my God, it's me, LG Yahoo! You'll pay for this, evil mining company And he sets out to get revenge on the evil mining company Is he turning people into gold? I think he could turn people into gold Like that's one of his people Like King Minus but also like his fist can turn to gold

He can punch people I like that idea too, yeah He's got a clamp, you know? Maybe he's got a kiss of death His big beardy face kisses you, or you turn it to gold? He's just like kissing all these men. I really, really enjoy this. His lips go gold.

He's like, taste my precious metal. Bucker up, Cupcake. You got golden. Take a break, Kirby. I got a new one here. Got a hot property. This could work. This could actually be a comic book.

LG Yahoo bisexual prospector. I really enjoy it. it's a it's a character we need now exactly now more than ever I know Vertigo is listening so I don't know the X games happen we get all of our product placement done at this point Dr. Doom is really bitter because he realizes that he's like he's turning into metal for some reason he kills a scientist well no that's that scientist's death is one of the best parts of this movie

this dude gets gutted and that's the same thing you can say about that 2015 remake whether or not you like it, when Dr. Doom rampages through that fucking army base and he is just ripping people to shreds in that movie, holy Toledo. Yeah, that's pretty cool. It's awesome.

But the biggest bullshit though is there's one point where like Hamish Linklater is like, I don't know what else I can do for you. He's doing some fucking terrible voice. This thing's awful. Steve, can I ask you? Does he like turn into like a minion? Like a

I'm the wet blanket It's so awful I don't know what he's here Other than Exposition I'm gonna join Hamishling class But his thing is like I'm gonna drive a wedge

To the Fantastic Four I mean like What is his plan here Is it just to kill these people Is that what he's trying to do I think the end game is killing them all He's trying to like When he brings Ben Grim to go

Well the thing Excuse me To go into like his reactor Yeah And he like opened To change him back into Ben Grimm Like, he seduces the thing by the promise of his, the body of Michael Chichliss. Well, because it's like, he opens the reactor and he, like, sucks out the power and he becomes more of a metal man.

Am I reading this wrong? Kind of sort of, yeah. I think you're right. No, I think you're right. He gets more powerful. It's like sticking your finger in a socket. Right. It's like sticking your finger into a new cosmic storm.

And he gets more powerful, and that's when he could get the electricity power. But he seduces Michael Chichlis. over pancakes in a diner. Let's be clear about that. Yeah. Which, you know what? If the thing can't ride an elevator, the thing definitely can't sit at a wooden booth in a diner. Well, he does break a chair at a bar. This is where he meets Curry Washington, who's Alicia Masters. Who's the superpower of hers? She's the most beautiful blind woman. How many issues did that get? I mean, how on earth, she's just at a bar by herself? She's at a fucking, dock worker Brooklyn

Warwolf Bar by the way. So she's an alcoholic. That's what that is. It's like 20 grizzled lost souls and then gorgeous Carrie Washington sitting alone. And she's definitely a regular because the bartender knows her name.

And walks her out, helps her to her car or something. Hey, another round for me and my friends. For all my friends. Hey, you two, rock monster, you're good. Oh, this rock monster is great. Alicia Masters is your dating You're all my friends

They don't know They're trying to stop me Man Barfly, love it Yeah But yeah she's like She's into it Which is kind of the weird

I mean like yeah you're blind And I get that And it's a beautiful poetic thing Like oh you're Everyone sees you as ugly But I don't see you at all I only hear your beautiful ugly voice

Yeah exactly Burping and farting. And she's like, can I, can I feel you? So I know what you're like. And she immediately starts feeling his chest. Well, what's great is when she gets to the, what are you working with down there? When she gets to the face, though, and she's like, so sad.

I was like, these rocks are sad. How can you tell these rocks are sad? I see you could still do mouth stuff, though. Fantastic. We're all set to go. We're ready to go. Exactly. Dude, this is a weird lady.

But then she disappears forever. Another storm comes by and sucks her into a vortex because she disappears from the movie, right? Apparently there's another cut of this movie with a lot of her in it. Oh, really? Yeah. I mean, also, by the way, I don't know if a racist

ain't it cool news comment boards went nuts because she's traditionally a white character. Oh, yeah, they definitely flipped out. They must have lost it, right? In 2005, too, forget about it. For classic beloved character, Alicia Masters. Oh, yeah, man. What fucking horseshit.

The puppet master's daughter. And that's the exact reason why they're like, sorry, Jessica Alba, no, you're wearing blonde hair and you're wearing these contact lenses because those monsters on the inner kool-lose boards will grill us alive. If heaven forbid. A Latino woman. Yes. Wait, can we back up for a second?

Did you call her the puppet master's daughter? She's a, there's a fantastic four villain named the puppet master. Uh-huh. And what does he do? I mean, I think he makes people into puppets. I'm not starly. Is he like the purple man? No.

Is he Jeff Dunham? Oh, he would be played by Jeff Dunham if that movie, if that franchise got a third movie. I got to say, when we did a live show in Pleasantville, someone came up to us and talked to us about puppets. Oh, right. And thank you for that. But also that what, he's a ventriloquist, right? She mentioned that we should refer to him as that or something We don't want to disgrace the art of puppeteering

So you're right I'm sorry, puppeteers are great I loved being John Malkovich as much as the next guy And that's about it So yeah but I mean she does disappear from the movie So yeah They have this big like Are We Still Friends fight because like

Fucking Reed Richards takes a day off to fucking Try and like nail this lady right That's his move, which was Ben Grimm's whole lot in life beforehand. Yeah, you were, well, because back when, you know, he was busy bragging about Debs back home, you know, making Reed Richards feel terrible about himself. Yeah, he could do this, this, this, this, this, this family, uh, well, oh, family trap, parent trap. I kept almost saying family plot and I was like, that was a hitchcock movie with Bruce Dern. But the weird thing is like, um, I was schmeckin weed. with Stan Lee.

Hey, Stan, you want to smack a little weed? What are you working on there? Oh, what's that a bisexual prospector, eh? I can play that. Yes, we've cast it. This is getting into the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Totally. Dude, if Dr. Strange can get a movie.

The Sting is from you, Starg Bruce Stern with fists of gold. No, it's great, because the whole fucking Infinity War happens. Two whole movies of it or whatever. Thanos is lying dead, and Thor's got his hammered. He's like, I did. And the credits go And the credits come up And Thor is still breathing heavily

And then Bruce Stern emerges from the shadows And then just kisses him on the lips And he turns into gold And credits, we'll figure that out in the next movie Oh my God, exactly LG Yahoo turned him into gold By baking out with him Howard the duck sitting there for no reason

It's awesome This would be a great movie Alternate take by the way Thor is raising the hand hammer like we did it a golden pickax flies right into the hammer and sticks it to a wall and then it just cuts

and it's LG Yahoo's Bruce Stern with two golden fists just going I love this this is better than anything any comic book ever it's certainly better than Fantastic Four but

the weird thing is like she's been apparently like by fucking Victor Von Doom for years it's all been in elaborate mind game to get Reed Richards jealous. She's like, what? You never know. No one does this. You look like Jessica Alba, go

anywhere. She's doing the legwork for this. It is, you're putting in effort. How many princes? Just give me a round number of how many princes you said no to it. The full of, fucking Julian McMan showed up. Two princes, spin doctors. Well, one

wanted to buy her flowers, but one wanted to talk for hours, I think is that how that goes? And then it was crazy because then Reed Richards came in and said, well, go ahead now. Yeah, Reed Richards wanted to buy her lockets, but Victor on Doom wanted to buy her rockets. It was all very confusing. But yeah, I mean, like, this is baby cakes

level crazy. Like, dude, go find anyone else. It's so stupid. And I would be creeped out of us, Reed Richards, too. Like, dude, this chick never, wow, that's what you've been doing this whole time? Yeah, but this is Reed Richards, though, and he's like, I'll take it. Well, all right. Nobody else can stand me, so you're on. Stand me.

So like Eric said, the thing is seduced to go to Julian McMahon's place. They've got dueling, reversing the powers chambers. On like opposite sides of the island. You can like see their buildings from the, you know,

their respective rooftop penthouse science labs. And the funny thing is like, so it's this experimental procedure. We're about to simulate a cosmic storm. And Ben Grimm goes in there with slacks and a belt on. And I'm like, dude, I don't know what that belt has to come off

at least. Did we not watch the fly? Did any, everybody wants to, you're all scientists, you have to watch the fly, right? It's fucking crazy. Man,

you don't want to turn into the rock belt buckle. That's the only way you could get worse from being the thing. Also, I deserve to see it naked. Yes, exactly. I want to see this weird monster.

Even an ass thing would be kind of cool, right? Yeah. Don't look at my butt. They should do like an elephant man scene, unveiling him naked. I just have this image of Eric outside the AMC empire with a picket sign. More chickless ass. More chickless ass.

I need to know how this is going to work. Wasn't chickless showing ass on the shield? At least a couple times. Yeah. Oh, wait, I might be confusing him with Dennis Franz. He could play the thing. He certainly could. Is he dead yet?

No, he's alive. They were just at the Emmys. Him and Jimmy Smith came out. Did I ever tell you guys about how I heard lunch with Dennis Frans? No, I heard Dennis Frans was right behind me at a screening of Inherit and Vice. What? And him and his wife, they walked out 20 minutes in. Yeah, not surprised.

And all I heard was, fuck. And like, just he laughed. You know what? I don't. Was he cut from the movie, maybe? I don't know. He didn't need to see the movie because he lived that movie. That's what he was doing in the 70s, man.

so whatever like ben grim goes in it works he's reversed dr doom is more powerful because of it and then we just we go have this big fucking street fight it's weird but like michael chickless is like completely hairless he looks like a baby like it looks like the baby from raja rabbit when he puts these pants on this in a fucking jacket if you had like those weird things that people put on the internet like real life versions of cartoon characters if you had the baby from Roger Ravin who'd be Michael Chicklis crawling out of this machine

like a fucking hairless mole he's like it worked Vic it worked so like he's cured great never ever here's the thing

oh my god you dodged a bullet you're no longer a huge rock monster like you're not gonna go back with Deb Debs forget about you got this

fuck her yeah exactly fuck her I mean you lost the blind woman though that's kind of the problem you lost Carrie Washington yeah she definitely

is not into Michael Chickles yeah she was just into the rock monster He's a gentle soul. But, you know, I'm sure him and Blumkin can figure things out. On the road with Blumkin. Yeah, you know. I know some sex clubs downtown.

Don't worry about it, Chickless. We'll figure it out. He don't care what you look like as long as you're not made a rock. Let me ask you something there, Ben. Do you have any idea about how many Starbucks are across this great nation? And do you have any idea by how many escorts are across this great nation? Oh, you ever bring an escort into a Denny's brother? Forget about it.

They're all staring at you because they want to be you. They're all jealous. He walks out and everyone's disgusted with his escort. You're all jealous. Oh, whatever. So he kidnaps Mr. Fantastic somehow and he turns him into ice. And he keeps doing this thing, which is very annoying. He's like, you know what happens when rubber gets cold, don't you read?

Well, he's not actually rubber. He's a fucking man. Yeah, totally. You know what happens when lightning hits a toad, by the way? Oh, they do allude to... Bend over and I'll show you. Speaking of bend over and I'll show you, they do allude to Reade's genitalia

being able to get longer and bigger or whatever. It's these months. Because Johnny Storm... I keep on saying Johnny Blaze. Who the fuck is Johnny Blaze? He's a ghostwriter. Ghost Rider. Oh, God.

Who's also dirt biking in that first movie, isn't me? Quite a lot. There's just too much. Anyway, there's too much out there. Did I ever... Let's cancel some issues. Did anybody else read about Nick Cage saying that he got the inspiration for Ghost Rider from The Scream? What?

Edward Monks, the Scream. He said the Ghost Rider was my version of Edver Monks, the Scream. Oh, that's stupid. He's an interesting guy. Pretty, a weird fella. I'm not going to lie, that makes a movie better to me. But so at the X Games. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. He gives, because he gives that stupid speech to the cameras. about like, oh, and she's invisible girl. Oh, right. You know, he's Mr. Fantastic. That's, yeah, you're right. He's the thing. So, and that's when someone asks him about, right, about Mr. Fantastic's.

Dick, yeah. They're like, oh, it's the old does everything stretch question, which it's like, why, I understand asking that question, but follow up question, what's going on with the thing? Yeah, I don't want to keep harping on it, but what is going on with the thing? But the weirdest part is, so you get to ask. question, and he's like, yeah, I find him to be more limp than not, which is just like, whoa, you found him? Yeah, like, what do you know about this dude's hard dick, man? Like, he's tried to have sex with him and it didn't work out.

Or maybe Sue Storm is telling her brother all about the dick's chickens. Oh, man. Like rating the dicks. He does at one point call Victor a super stud. But that's more like we're both, we're in the stud club, so we can call each other super studs, I guess. Oh, I've never been in the stud club. I know that game. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I'm a lifelong member of the stud club. Strutton studs. Yeah, that's right. So, yeah, that's how it goes. Yeah, that is how it goes. That's his life in the stud club. Whatever. So then, like, it's a big to do.

They fight. They fight. The thing breaks through the wall and he's rethinged himself, which, dude, you're telling me this dude is a pilot. How does he know how to control that machine? That's a great question. Hashtag nobody sees anything. But like, yeah, never would I. Like, I mean, like, you know, you've got a fire guy, an invisible woman, they can figure it out.

And also the military. He's just a fucking metal guy with electricity. Exactly. Shoot this dude in the head. He should learn to just come in. Like, that's what it is. Ben Grimm comes in with a fucking machine gun. Yes.

And just like downs this dude. He's like, see, I did it the Brooklyn way. Perfect. But he gets, oh, by the way, the doctor. Doomass comes from some humanitarian award he got. Here's an ominous monster mask. It's a gift from the Latvarian people. Oh, that's beautiful.

I thought it was a BAFTA award. BAFTA's Best Face Award. New faces. They fight. It spills out into the street. There's a great moment right before they get into the street where there's a pool fight. Oh, right. Because the thing like jumps on them and they go through a bunch of floors. they land in a pool for a second

and the things like hitting Dr. Doom on the head in the pool and then the pool breaks and they shoot out the side of the building and then it's just this dumb street fight. We do get it's clobberant in time. It's very important to get that. And we do get a flame on as well. You know, you're going to get these three. But that reminds me of

you know, we're talking about LG Yahoo, Burger King, you know, all these great sponsors. Tuckin Johnny Storm bringing the thing, action figs, I almost broke my TV I was so furious so stupid it's so fucking the toy line that they had just stop just stop right now hilariously though the toy because he says something about like oh it's just a

prototype or whatever the toy correct me if I'm wrong looks like the Corman movie thing like it looks kind of shitty like yeah and he says it's clobber in time that's where he gets it so he's like oh that toy that I hated said this so I'm gonna say it well I kill Victor von do yeah that's right I'm quoting a toy Well, I guess I am going to sell out Let's do it So they're fighting And they

Mr. Fantastic Hatchez's plan We're like, hey, let's burn this guy alive Totally, dude Like the witch that he is He's like, hey Johnny You have to go Supernova obviously And he's like Sue, you can see

contain the blast With your fucking invisible shield Which doesn't make any sense But like they fucking put this guy In a pressure cooker And burn him alive Oh yeah dude It's like flash boil in a pot of chili.

And so he's just invincible then, right? I mean, if this doesn't, I'm sorry. Yeah. You are Thanos. You've done it. And he's like, hey, Victor, you know what happens when metal gets super heat? And like, because this is the thing. The thing does, like, oh, Johnny, you do this.

You know, Sue, Johnny, you burn him. Sue, you contain the blast. The thing turned himself into a rock monster for nothing. Because all he does is kick a fucking fire hydrant. Well, who's going to kick that fire hydrant? All you need is a pipe. All you need literally is a fucking ranch. Actual firefighters.

Also true. Yeah, where's their PR manager slash fire chief? Why would you ever go back to being the thing? It's so stupid. I would just leave town. I'd never see these people again. Or just be like their butler. And this is the thing that pisses me off the most because the whole movie, the center

of the movie is him being sad that he's the thing. That's the whole thing. Right. So then you're like, da fuck it. empty out the whole thing every emotional moment you had that you tried to have in this fucking movie. Hey, do you think that that's the title

of Ben Grimm's autobiography, the whole thing? Oh, yes, absolutely. But I guess the lesson of the film is to accept who you are, you're a monster. It's forever now. You were always a monster, you're just a monster waiting to happen. Exactly. So it's not

fuck it? No. I thought the message of the movie was fucking. So Ben Grimm kicks a fire hydrant and diverts the blast and he Victor turns into like a statue essentially which is you know ironic because the start of the movie

they're in the lobby of his building and he's erected a big statue of himself and everybody's just jerking off everybody's time fun now so now we're at a party we're at a party on a boat and the fucking funniest thing ever is there's a there's like a hand-painted banner that says thank you fantastic four at their like thank you banquet

run by the bartender of that sleazy Warwolf bar and then the thing is wearing Nike's now like I mean and you know like Corporate sponsorship Why wear shoes because what you're going to have to do Like putting on pants I get But shoes, hey like you're not going to step on glass

That's true And like somebody has to tie those for you And that's just embarrassed You know what though man You're walking around New York City You're getting like gum on there Oh that's a problem He doesn't want to get his rocks dirty

Yeah like heaven forbid you step on a used condom you ever see you ever see those a used condom on the street I've I've heard of these I've heard tell if that's the worst thing to happen to you as a rock monster I say let it go and there's like a quote unquote

innocent joke where like it's Johnny Storm and like four beautiful girls because he's a good looking dude looks like he's into group sex like what well why why not hey thing you want to get your rocks off and then they do mouth stuff hey hey Johnny you're going to use all those girls

Hey Johnny I do Meet me in the bathroom Johnny He's not a bathroom on this boat Or what? By the way You're going to use all those girls

Oh gross Really Blumkin's a gross dude He's a gross dude And so are the characters We portray on the internet So there's sort of like A little bit of a stinger Right before the credits

Because Hamish Linklater Is like bored in this Dr. Doom statue Up into a container on a barge and it's going back to Latvaria and you see like the dude's got his little like UPS shipping computer thing and like it like goes on the fritz for a second and Hamish Link later like kind of turns around like more sequel I don't know Davey you have to figure it out sending Dracula back to the old country yeah exactly so it's going to live on that boat afterwards by the way

kill them off one by one I never saw this movie uh the sequel yeah um is he a Is he a dictator in Latvia now? Latvia, that's a real place. Latvia. I think that that happens a little bit. Isn't he less prominent, though? He is. Because Silver Surfer's around. It's Silver Surfer and the cloud of Galactus.

Okay, so Silver Surfer is the villain in the next movie. Kind of. Yeah. He's more of an anti-hero. Yeah. Something like that. It is easily one of the worst movies I've ever seen. It's terrible.

I would say. Do you remember when that trailer came out, everyone was like, oh, my God. Because Silver Surfer. That was me, man. You know, it's all about Silver Surfer. This is probably what I'm referencing. Because I was like, I hated this movie when it came out. Or, like, I didn't like it.

Like, I was like, oh, it's not good. But the next one, it's that stupid thing that you get tricked into where you're like, this movie set enough ground for a better sequel. That never works. You can't do that bargaining with movies like that. It's always a bad idea. The first one's bad unless it's a whole new, unless it's a new director or something that you can say, oh, point two that you like, maybe.

Better writer, maybe. Although they totally have the audacity to call that movie the rise of the silver surfer. Guess what? It's also the fucking fall. You'll never see that thing on screen again. Because it has to be a cartoon. Never say never. I guess that's true. Would anybody recommend this movie?

Never. I would not recommend this movie, but I do think it's kind of a hangover movie. I think it's better than 2015 version. It's an hour and 45 minutes. And it's long. Nothing really happens. No one's really raising their voice.

I mean, like, it's... What are you talking about? They're bickering the whole time. Yeah, I guess it's true. Loud fucking explosions. The idea of watching this while I have a hangover gives me a panic attack. I do find this movie mostly inoffensive as a superhero movie. Like, it's bad.

It's not good. It's for babies. It's just so totally forgettable in that regard. Exactly. But it also kind of gets the tone better than I think the 2015. movie does, even though it's bad. And if you want a good fantastic four movie, watch The Incredibles. Yeah, yeah, that's

about it. That's true. Absolutely not. A hundred percent. No, do not watch this movie. Big fact, Guseg from Chris Cab. I'm so happy because I don't have to watch the movie ever again. Yeah, you're done with that. I'm done completely. And until we end up doing that fucking rise of the silver shirt. It's going

to happen at some point. Until that, I'm going to be happy until that happens. And then I'm going to be really sad. I hated this movie. I I dodged it for 11 years and then, and now I had to watch it. And it was worse than I thought it was going to be. And I wouldn't recommend it. I'd say instead what you should do, close your eyes and imagine that kick-ass LG Yahoo movie we were talking about.

And like he's coming. And now like maybe Dennis Franz plays like his descendant that he's haunting like, ha, ha. Oh. Now I'm living in your house. And honestly, LG Yahoo, he, you guard. You know, James Gunn, I know you're listening. Guard to the Galaxy 3, he could show up. Totally. Why the hell not?

He belongs in space, marbles. But this is the thing, though. One, I would not recommend this movie. Two, I would recommend someone figuring out a way where we can write and you would draw the LG Yahoo comic comic. Because everything has to start with a comic. He's got to be a comic property before we can make him into a comic book hero movie guy. That's true. Right?

So we got to do the LG Yahoo comic first. Figure that out. Get it going. Maybe a little like animated web series, get that going. Yeah, that's the way to figure it out. So it's like a 10-year plan we're getting here. Yeah, and I will say I like the Josh Trank movie better than this. It's not a good movie, but it's, I found it more watchable.

The thing is with me, I don't like the, the, like, it is like more for babies. Yeah, it's, it's, this particular property tends to skew younger. Sure. I don't appreciate that tone. I like that the Trank movie was like a little more of like a darker tone to it. It doesn't entirely work. And Miles Teller, my God, who can stand it? You know, but like, what's his name?

Michael B. Jordan is fucking awesome in that movie. You know, so, like, there's cool things floating around. Got some good Reggie Kathy, isn't that? Reggie Kathy, that's right. That dude fucking rules, too. So that movie's got some things going for it. And I'm glad I never have to watch this movie again. But you know what?

I will say about that Rise of the Silver Surfer. You want to talk about a fucking hysterical death with Andre Brower in that movie he gets it doesn't brian posein die in that movie or no he's in that movie actually you're right I think oh yeah that's a dofer yeah you can see Brian Possein get killed

outside of a robbed zombie movie that's fantastic four from 2005 directed by Tim Story if you want more we hate movies check out WHMpodcast.com or find us over at sideshownetwork dot TV like us on Facebook

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A lot of good stuff on that Patreon, guys. Let's mention what we had for November. We had the Robocop animated series where Robocop fights the Ku Klux Klan for some reason. Pretty much. And then, of course, the Nexus, our Star Trek podcast, continuing on there with the worst episode of Next Generation

that ever I mean we might say this every month but this is a really bad one it's up there code of honor and we're also talking about the original series episode

Charlie X Charlie X that's right so again that's Patreon.com slash we hate movies now coming up next week on the show

what the hell that we got going on it's the happening bro oh that's right oh shit the trees are going to get me oh shit is that John Leguizamo

slitting his wrist in the middle of the road Hey, I'll sign up for that, brother. This is another movie I successfully dodged. Until I was drafted into service here. And that will feature a special guest friend of the show. Justin J.K.'s will be stopping by in studio to chat about that. M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening.

Until next week, I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Seda. Chris Grimm. Eric Siska. Take it easy. Thank you.