We Hate Movies - S7 Ep280: Episode 280 - The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause

Episode Date: December 20, 2016

On this week's show, the gang brings the Christmas cheer as they rag on the sad sequel, The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause! What's with the weird Mrs. Claus Stockholm syndrome situation? Why do we need the counsel of lame holiday figures? And why are we doing this It's a Wonderful Life/Back to the Future II alternate timeline crap? PLUS: Michael Dorn opens up a t-shirt factory. The Santa Clause 3 stars Tim Allen, Elizabeth Mitchell, Eric Lloyd, Judge Reinhold, Wendy Crewson, Spencer Breslin, Martin Short, Ann-Margret, Alan Arkin, Art LaFleur, Aisha Tyler, Kevin Pollak, Jay Thomas, and Michael Dorn; directed by Michael Lembeck.Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program We Hate Movies brings the Holly Jolly as we talk Santa Claus 3 The Escape Club. Oh my Jolly. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadegh. Chris Gavin.

Eric Cisca. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies on the Side Show Network. Thank you for tuning in. As always, this is our Christmas episode, and we're talking. Santa Claus 3, the Escape Clause from 2006, directed by Michael Lembeck, who all He also directed the Santa Claus 2. And the Santa Claus 1.

Did he do Santa Claus 1? He didn't get the whole trilogy. Oh, God. That's just fucking... It's his vision. So when is the prequel trilogy? That's just like Tim Allen being an abusive father to that kid. I didn't watch the second one all the way through. Does the Joker show up in that one?

No, but there is a fascist toy in that movie. I do remember the toy clone. Yeah, it's pretty uncomfortable. Oh, it's like a Robo Santa? Yeah, like he's like, oh, there's the... The Mrs. Clause is like, hey, you got to get married and get a Mrs. Clause. Yeah, we don't want any single Santa's going around. So that's a problem.

So he's like, oh, but I have to, which is also the plot of this movie, he's like, I have to watch these elves like a fucking hawk. 24-5-7, I need to know what the fuck they're up to. So he's a real micromanager in these movies. So it's like, oh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, Spencer Breslin builds a robot that winds up being a fascist at the end he's wearing a beret in like military uniform it's a bit weird it's uh hopped up on cocoa yeah it's a really uncomfortable scene to watch i don't think like that uh frankenstein fascist in listomania or whatever that's it's a little it's very close it's actually really

close to that i don't think these movies know what they're saying i don't think so either yeah they don't i and i can say that with a uh despite never seeing the second one and only seeing the first one once when it back when it came out i saw the first one quite a bit of bit. Oh, I've seen it. A couple times. A couple times. We had, I believe it was a clamshell VHS case. Oh, that's nice. Oh, yeah. That's like, that's like the Disney vaults. That's like a vault. Dude, this is the real deal. Yeah, that was my big green. Oh, really? VHS tape was in the clamshell. You had the big green. I did. What's the big green? It's, uh, yeah, go ahead. It's your favorite movie. Yes, it's my very favorite movie. It's Blade, then the big green. And then Manchester, by the

Is that where they execute Michael Clark Duncan? Yes. No, it's where the fat kid from the sandlots playing soccer. That's why I like to. Yeah, that exists. I need to see this. Nah, you're fine. You get killed through the balls or what?

He did. Oh, definitely. Well, I mean, you've got to get hit the nards. They're selling it on the nut trauma. What are they going to do? Not trauma is a big selling point. I will see a nut trauma. In the 1990s, give me a break.

I wish there was nut trauma. in this movie. There isn't, which is surprising. How do you make a shitty, you know, pseudo-family movie like this without nut trauma? So this is the third outing of Tim Allen as fucking Santa Claus, dude, and I can't think of a bigger fucking asshole to play Santa Claus.

I hate his fucking movies. I hate his fucking dumb, man, fucking horse shit stand-up comedy. But Andrew, you don't find it funny that men are different than women? Because they are. I mean, I ask anybody. Hey, just ask anybody. And this movie has to take a dump in my

mouth from second one because like as the opening Disney credits are going you just get Tim Allen oh oh oh it is fucking douchebag toilet flushing grown noise that he makes yet you've seen the first movie multiple times I was a stupid kid back

then I mean I'm not denying that I saw multiple seasons of home improved oh yeah I was on the home improvement bandwagon way too oh yeah did you get up to where Mark became a goth I sure did Tim Allen sure didn't know to handle that.

Oh, he's got makeup on Jill. Is he go, good, good, gay? That was so disturbing because that was, like a whole season was like, is my son, guy. Oh, wait, even though he's got, he's coming to the football game,

maybe there's hope yet. And he's checking out the women's butts. What do you think about that Wilson, the neighbor? He tricked America into doing that show again. It's been secretly on the air for like eight years. Last man standing. Last man standing.

Wait, that, he's got a sick. Come on the air. For years and years it's been on. I think multiple, like eight maybe. Yeah, it's been a long. Nancy Travis, the worst actress in history. Playing the wife. Well, you got it to play off Tim Allen.

It's a real chess match. Holy Toledo. So what is that about it? He's the last man. It's the same thing. Yeah, but that's the thing, right? It's like, is he the last man's man standing? Oh, my fucking Lord.

Can you help it, Tim Allen? Because it's him and a bunch of ladies. It's a house run by women, and he's just trying to be a guy. Oh, no. Yeah, man. They did it, didn't they? They did do it. And it's been on free.

It's been secretly on for years and years. It's like ABC, you can't fucking figure out like another blackish or something else to put in there. No, it's got to be the whitish. Did a Kenjong show get canceled? Oh, I hope so. Oh, yeah, it did. Oh, for sure. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, that went far away. He's a gimmick that I grew tired of half a. decade ago. That you finally represent America, Andrew. So after he duchily says, we get this thing where it's like Elizabeth, what's the actress's name? She was on Law.

Elizabeth Mitchell, yeah. She's Mrs. Claus. She's also Mrs. Claus in the second movie, right? Yes. Yeah, she is. And she's like teaching like school children or school elf children. But they're all like 80 years old, right?

That's the gag. Like all the elves are. There's no way to tell... Hold on. They're all Yoda. They're all like Elliot Gould kind of age. They're all Elliot Gould. They should be wearing Elliot Gould glasses, though. That Elliot Gould Ocean's 11 glass.

How have there not been a Christmas movie about Oceans 11 and I need 12? I'm going to need 11 elves. Oh, that's great. I'm going to need eight reindeer. You got to get the reindeer's together. Yeah, yeah. They got to rob the North Pole. I would watch it.

Copy mark. Copyright and we hate movies. A heist movie on Christmas, it's Oceans 11, copyright, copyright. Dude, I would have the clamshell VHS of that. Hold on, Steve. That's not safe enough. What you've got to do is put this mb3 in the mail and mail it to yourself. And the postmark. Don't open it.

Okay, all right. Let's just pause this road trip over to the patent office and do it. Get this on paper. It probably exists anyway. Lifetime probably already did that. Oh, probably. Dude, the slew of like just shit Christmas movies. That's what I'm watching this month, man.

Which is amazing because, like, when we were of a younger age, it was like, what? It's a wonderful life, fucking Christmas vacation, Miracle on 34th Street, Christmas story, which I can't stand. Watch out, Andrew. You're sounding a little bit like Tim Allen right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, thank God none of them start a fucking woman. I'll tell you that much. Jimmy Stewart ran that movie.

Ran that movie. He was the boss of the movie. Is the last podcaster standing? No, my point is, like, I just feel like now there's just a million. Christmas movies that start insane Christians, Christmas movies that star pets that can talk. I mean, like, the subgenres of Christmas movies, it's out of control.

Santa Buddies 1, Santa Buddies 2, Santa Paws, Santa Bodies 5, a new beginning. Is this porno or what is this? No, these are dogs. Oh, okay. And all the ones that are made by like the sub lifetimes, like the ones that don't even have that banner. The sub lifetime?

Yeah, they're always called like... Straight to DVDs, like the family house, Yes, sunshine pictures and all that bullshit. Mar Vista Entertainment. Yeah, yeah. And they all star fucking Joey Lawrence and Melissa Joan Hart somehow. Christ-like pictures, yes. I saw one just this last week on Lifetime, which was, it's the guy from Angel, Christian Kane, who's weirdly...

Who is Christian Kane? He's that beefy dude with the long hair, but now he's got short hair. Yes, that's right. I hated that character. Some other lady, and basically the, it's about a baby angel that comes home for Christmas, and guess what? What, from college? No, it's just, they're about to get divorced, and some baby angel is like, you guys can't get divorced. It's a little girl, she's like five.

Baby looked at you. But the gag is the angel is actually their miscarriage. Oh, shut up. Twist ending, it's their miscarriage. Oh, my God. Why aren't we doing that? Why aren't we doing that right now? Steve, what did they name their miscarriage?

They didn't name it. I think her name was like Erica or something. So that miscarriage named itself? Yeah, in heaven. Well, that's what happens. They gave it a proper Mike Pence funeral. So then it went to heaven. As is the law of our nation.

Wait a second. Was this the one you were telling me there's some like ghostly narration? Is that this one? No, that's the Jean-Beney movie, which is narrated by the ghost of Jean-Beney Ramsey. Now that sounds like that. a good Christmas. I think, didn't she get murdered

around Christmas? It was around the... It's like how I believe... She was on Raps. It's like how I believe diehards at Christmas movie. It is. You got people who will fight you

on that, though, and it's like, what are we talking for? So she, Elizabeth Mitchell, who played the president-elect in the purge election year, by the way. Yeah, she did.

Oh, yeah. She was against the purge, by the way. That's why they wanted to kill her. Yeah, exactly. I want Tim Allen in the next purge movie be like, well, we can't have the purge now. That'd be great, and he gets fucking butchered.

All I know is I like to go around and wear a pink mask and slip people suit. Dude, this man has made millions off of barking like a hog. They should call all beers America. I just hate it. So, she, Abigail Breslin, by the way, is like, tell us a story or something. I don't even know what the framing device. She's like, I'm bored with elf math. Why don't you tell us how you got knocked up?

And by the way, they definitely say baby claws. Yeah, it's gross. Oh, gross. Because here's the thing. Third Santa Claus movie. Fine. Second Santa Claus movie. You want to tell me a story about how Santa has to get married?

That's cool. He's always had Mrs. Claus. So fine, the story of how he meets his Mrs. Claus, fine. But this movie, Santa's going to have a baby, which means Santa's been fucking. Santa has semen, live semen that can impregnate a woman. I don't need to be fucking thinking about Santa fucking. I don't understand why he has a kid, though. Like, what happens to that kid?

Does that kid then grow up to be Santa? He's got to kill him, though, right? That's the problem. Yeah, all Santas have been murdered. That's the line of succession. Yeah, when the, oh, it's Eipus, right, Chris? It's like, you've got to kill your father and then have sex with your mother in order to become Santa if you've got the bloodline.

So I don't know if Elizabeth Mitchell signed on for that whole storyline, but... That's one of the things that bothers me about Elizabeth Mitchell. Like, the first Santa Claus movie is a body horror movie about how he becomes morbidly obese. It is. He's like, oh, God, what's happening? It's like thinner in reverse. Is there, is there... Because I haven't, you guys, most of you rewatched all of these movies.

I didn't get a chance to you put in the first one is there like him with his shirt off and it's a fat suit and he's jingling oh yeah he's jiggling around oh no because oh it's the grossest thing looks like we all got stances coat by the way in this in this room grossest thing in the fucking world is they do because he has to go to the doctor yes he goes to the doctor and like the guy puts the fucking uh but but chet i forget what you call it stethoscope stethoscope on his chest and the fucking thing says jing don't do don't don't don't do don't oh Hey, Santa, you have to stay overnight because you're going to fucking die in 10 minutes. That's body horror, man. Crash card, crash cart.

So, but he goes to this body horror of, like, becoming morbidly obese. He can't shave his beard and all that shit. And it happens so fast that, like, that's going to, like, that's like your organs are failing. Exactly. Yeah. But when she becomes Mrs. Claus, she doesn't get the white hair. She doesn't get the round glasses. That's right.

Tim Allen's not going to allow that. Oh, oh, oh, oh. I'm not going to be married to a fat old lady. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Exactly, he's fucking, he looks like goddamn George Romero. George Romero, I saw it recently, and he's one of the thinnest men you'll ever see you. Oh, I'm sorry, I meant to say. George went?

Francis Ford Copeland. Yeah, this does look like Frankie Ford Copeland. Yeah, a little bit. On her worst day, she has to be an eight. Fucking me. So the student is, or then she's, She's basically like, you know, so how did you get knocked up? Also, how did you feel about Santa Claus virtually kidnapping you and tearing you away from your entire life?

And she's like, well, it's a funny story. You're like, weird. Is Stockholm syndrome? Yeah, she gave up her, she was the principal of the school. She gives up her entire career to become Mrs. Claus. By the way, way to go, Tim Allen. Fucking your kids high school principal. You walking cliche.

Not great. And the weird thing is, like, in the second movie, he gets all skinny again because he goes back to Earth and, like, I don't know, he puts the fucking... Oh, to attract a mate, right? He starts secreting this ooze that makes him skinny again. Well, no, isn't it like the Back to the Future photo where, like, the longer he's there, the thinner and less bearded he gets? Oh, is that right? It's like Superman in a Red Sun situation. They crib off of Back to the Future a lot in this series, it looks like.

this third movie's back to the future too alternate timeline but again so like he's like regular looking tim allen which is a fucking four at best but then he he franke franke fort coppola is out and she's like oh i like that better like what are you talking about yeah you gotta take four tim allen not a three friends is for to go that's the thing is she does she falls from when he's skinny and then he balloons back up and then she's like she's ready to go yes she's like oh whatever yeah then because she fell in love with skinny him she can accept fad him. Which is fine. I mean, like, hey, we've all run that trick on ladies, right? Yep. Steve's OKCupid profile, actually. Had Robert Pattinson on the

Steve forgot to take off the fucking Photoshop watermark. Don't worry about it. Hey, don't worry about it. So she's pregnant. We, this elf, it starts with a false labor. She almost goes into labor.

She doesn't have labor. Which, again, I don't. need Mrs. Claus with her legs and stirrups getting fucking rushed through the North hole. I don't want to. I watched the Miracle Life in high school, man. I know what's going to go on. I don't want to think

about fucking its fictional character doing this. It would be courageous if they went as far as the miracle of life. Like this movie would suddenly be kind of good because it's like, whoa. If you saw Mrs. Claus giving birth, you said she's just sweating and crying. Oh my God, we're really just animals. You get that realization in that moment

when you see that disgusting sack that then becomes a person yeah you're right that would make this movie better I want you to

narrate miracle of life now oh look at that disgusting sack here comes the sack still are coming that could be a commentary

on Patreon oh my lord so Tim Allen's like worried about it it just so happens to be his busy time of year which is Christmas

you know oh is that right oh oh Santa works Christmas. He's the one guy. Only one. He is such a micromanager, though.

He's like getting phone calls out the ass, all this like, these little details. You can't blame him though, though. He has shitty middle management. He does. He got Spencer Greslin. Lawrence, who now hit puberty in the middle of all this. And now he sounds like

David Krumholtz, which I guess is what they were going for. Oh, because David Krummaltz is in that first movie, right? He was the minute. And he was great. He put all those elves in line. Here's a great question. How do you not get David Crumholtz back for a movie? It's a great... Maybe Numbers was going

a little too hot and heavy at that point. Oh, that might be it. Yeah, yeah. That might have been something. But it must have been a bidding war and he's like $80,000. He probably had already booked a cruise. He was doing theater on a cruise. It was his wife's birthday. He just didn't want to deal with it. I also just wouldn't want to be part of a third Santa Claus movie.

Also entirely possible. He was like, you know, he wasn't Harold and Kumar at that point, you know. They should have like professionally written him off, though. Like, oh, man, David Krumholtz elf got butchered last Christmas. He fell under the sleigh. Caught him right in half. You're promoted, Spencer Breslin. Ever see a final destination down there on earth?

That. Oh, a roller coaster fell on him? I slaced him up real good. I would like to believe that Santa and the elves are watching the fire. Final Destination movies. Just comes for us all. Speaking of that, can we talk about the hellmouth fireplace he has? Thank you.

That's the most important thing in this movie. That's like my only note on this film. Because it's bad enough, you see like Santa's office and there's this gigantic fireplace made of Santa's face. It's his living room. This is insane. And the whole of his mouth is, where the fire goes, but it's also like a gateway and it goes like, uh, and like opens and

he can walk through it fucking disgusting. Son of the mask level graphics we're talking about here. It's also terrifying. Like who has fire, who breathes fire? Like this confirms that Santa's magic is black magic. It is devil magic and I denounce it. He also looks angry as fuck. He looks like he's going to eat me.

I thought that somebody's going to fucking put a sword through David Boreana and he was going go straight to hell like that was that's how that shit should work when hell froze over he satan gained weight moved some letters around became santa uh-huh oh i like this is this is an old theory it goes at waffle house every morning yeah and this is why we have to say happy holidays because do not invoke the dark lord not on that day oh it's disturbing and like later allan ark it doesn't even remark on it i'd be like what the fuck is that let's get into that they have to for some reason I wasn't pay attention that much

no that's the motivation for everything that happens in this movie and then this happens yeah for some reason so for some reason his in-laws have to go to the North Pole and that's sort of what half of this movie's about well it's because she's like nine months pregnant

and Santa's too busy caught up with work to give a shit about his pregnant wife so she's like hey I need some help with all this how about inviting my parents up who you forbade me to see ever again which is weird it's totally weird well and then

the whole like loose justification he's like well you know honey your parents will blab to everybody on the block about the secret of Santa but they're old people yeah they're not gonna listen go around town saying you know my my son-in-law he's Santa Claus get him to the sanitarium

quickly but no one's seen this woman for years she's like David Baskavage's wife right like just like In hiding, is she dead? Is she missing? Like, who knows? Oh, man. Yeah, get me a fucking picture in front of a newspaper with that lady, huh? Holy feteen. Because nobody looks at milk cartons anymore.

It's every, she's on every milk carton in America. Lauren Mischavage. Well, I, dude, I'm off milk, man. I've been, you know, a soy boy for a long time now. That's why she keeps on being missing, man. Nobody's buying milk anymore. What are you from the fucking milk council? over there. They

packed with vitamin D. It sure is. It sure is. It is. Eric. I need to get more of that, especially in the winter. Yeah. So the parents are Alan Arkin and Anne Margaret. One Anne Margaret. That's what you want as your cast member.

Anne Margaret, who I didn't recognize until this credit. It's just her name is Anne hyphen Margaret. Oh, really? That's what they did in this movie anyway. It's in Grumpy Old Man, too. Is it? Yeah. That was so weird.

I didn't notice it. How she's always been. But it also is super confusing. Does that, is that your first name or your last name? I think that's, she's just and it's like twigies. Oh,

no. It's hyphenated. And her full name is Anne Margaret Olson. So it is. It's just our first name. Yeah. Oh, interesting. So if Johnny Depp just went by Johnny.

Yeah. Well, yeah, I guess. Or what's his middle name? What's Johnny Depp's middle name? I'll look it up right now. Who could,

who could, who could, care, who knows Johnny Nosferatu Depp. Yeah, I'd buy that. Johnny, I got away with domestic abuse Depp. Does that work?

It doesn't slide off the tongue. It doesn't really just go off. John Christopher, in quotation marks, Johnny Depp the second, by the way. Oh, wow. That's great. So Johnny Chrissy.

Yeah. Johnny Chrissy. Or if his name was Stan Lee, I was smoking a joint with Santa Claus. Oh, man. And then I came up with the blob. So yeah, it's like I want my in-law Or want my parents to come up to be with me

When this baby is birth So go get them Also bring up your ex-wife Her husband and this child that isn't yours Because why not This whole thing about we're all fucking friends No thanks Nope I don't want to see that person

Yep Remember that? Remember that when we got divorced Remember that Scott Calvin? Only way this works And this might be the case is, you know, they know he's Santa Claus and it's a weird cult up there, okay? It's like Jones Town.

Oh, big time, sure. And it's just like... Seconds away from mass suicide at any minute. And it's just like, oh, the leader, we must please the leader. So like everyone's fucking him. Like, Judge Reinhold is having these dark nights. Oh, yeah.

I do think it's a bit of like a nepotism thing also. Like, they just want, like, of course. Oh, we'll get all the good presents. We'll talk to Santa Claus. Of course. Even Lucy will get some. And again, like, in all these movies, it doesn't make any sense. Why doesn't everybody know that Santa Claus exists? Where are these presents coming from every morning?

And if elves are making them, why are all Christmas presents garbage? You know what I mean? Like, okay, there's some nice stuff, but like a lot of it's just trouble. Why is it all wooden blocks? Yes. You know, why aren't they Chinese elves? Well, Santa Claus' lore has never been able to really address why you know in these movies you're just making like little wooden race cars instead of

stacking his fucking bag full of Sega Genesis cartridges you just can't do it you just got suspend disbelief no fair enough also odd is judge Reinhold's character is one of these 50 year old adults that's obsessed with Christmas yeah you can fucking tone that down a little bit just a little bit grown adult if you please with the sweater gags like yeah it's it man it's funny that Cosby wore shitty sweaters and now everybody wears shitty sweaters. You're talking about like the real life culture of bad

Christmas sweater parties? I just can't stand it. You ever get invited to one of those? I've never knowed on an RSVP faster. Even if I was, I feel like I'd spit in their face. Who, the host? Yeah, the guy who asked me to come to

a fucking ugly. You'd show up to a party solely to spit in the host's face. If it was for... Around the holidays, by the way. Of course. And I'd have, I'd build it up in the elevator and I'd get ready to have it. Wait, so are you staying at this party or is it just spinning and getting out of there? This person is bringing wine.

You should bring wine. I will bring wine. He's not getting it. Okay. He or she, sorry. You're going to spit in their face and then drink wine in front of them? I'm not, no, it's this simple. I go to the door.

They answer. I spit in their face, say, fuck you. Take my wine and get back on the elevator. I question. Are you drinking it at the elevator then? Possibly. You got to drink it. But in order to, like, be granted access to this party.

Sure. Because there is the possibility this person won't answer the door. You have to then purchase the bad sweater. No, I don't. Because you're not getting in. I have a coat over. Oh, shit. And even if I get it.

You wear nothing under it, dude. Oh, fuck. At least bare chested. Yeah. Spit his face, open it up, swing that dick and get out of there. Or you could migs them and, you know, flick them in the eyes. Oh, God. Merry Christmas for Miggs.

that's a Christmas card and you thought what I was going to do with Drew. So you're working up your flam you're working up your something else on that elevator doing the whole system there. Oh yeah the double.

Yeah, getting ready for it. You pull a double on them. I like that. One two. It's like Wade Knight Jurassic Park. Yeah. Oh God damn it.

Happy holidays. How did that happen? But the other thing that happens, so, like, he goes, first things first, he has to go talk to the League of Extraternary Gentleman. Yeah, the League of Extraordinary General. Sean Connery's there. The holiday team? Like, the holiday team? The Council of Legendary Figures, I believe.

Oh, wow. Isn't that great? Let's go through it. So you got Alan Quartermaine. That's number one. An evil, invisible man. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. No, it's Aisha Tyler.

as Mother Nature. As Mother Nature, you've got Kevin Pollock is Cupid and he's like kind of naked. Yeah, fucking gross. Bunny pellets. No, that's the Easter Bunny. No, isn't that?

No, the Easter Bunny is shitting bunny pellets. But isn't he also something with his ass? Why would Cupid shit bunny pellet? Oh, no, that's the thing. He says he doesn't have any diapers or something. Yeah, he's wearing a diaper. Kevin Pollock had a diaper, which I just, my skin is crawling

and I'm here with my kids. Spook yourself, man. I was hard as a rock. Let's get through the rest of them. And there's killer crock. Dead shot. Harley Quinn is that? That Mexican fire guy.

Yeah, he's cool. Link from Zelda. Link from Zelda. Now you're thinking of the Nintendo Power Gang or whatever that was. What? That was that cartoon. Captain and the Game Masters.

So you also have Jay Thomas who was fired from Cheers for being on a radio. show saying that he would throw up after he kissed Ria Perlman. Oh, right. And Ria Perlman was like, fuck that guy. And they're like, yep, you're right, Ria Perlman, fuck that guy. You're right, one of the most powerful people

in television at the time. We will fire this man. So he's the Easter Bunny and he was disturbing. It's disgusting. And then you have this guy, Art LaFleur, who's like a big gruff tooth fairy. Yeah, yeah. What is, now, Art LaFleur is an interesting character because of all the

movies has been. Definitely in Hoffa. What was it? There was, uh, Wow, you've never been able to say that about anybody. But he's done a lot of schlock. Like, I think he's called zone troopers or something, where he's like in World War II and he comes across an alien or something. I don't know. Anyway, what is it with this obsession American culture has lately where it's like,

what if the tooth fairy was mayor? Well, because it's homophobic is what it is. Exactly. Because in the last movie he's everyone. Oh, actually, wait a second. This fucking dude that directed this trilogy directed the Dwayne's, Johnson Tooth Ferry movie. Oh, wow. Did he? Yeah, dude. He definitely did.

Do you think he reached out to Dwayne the Rock Johnson? Absolutely. And Dwayne Johnson didn't even pick up the fucking phone. So, oh, okay. What's the, what's the most like the rock? Oh, Art LaFleau. Well, here's the question. Did they originally develop

the Dwayne Johnson Tooth Fairy as a Santa Claus spin-off? Oh, I see. Oh, Jesus. Lord. Yeah, I don't know. Because that would make sense if Art LaFleur is like, a big gruff guy with the fairy wings. Well, because in the last movie, he's like, his thing is like, why do I have to be called the tooth fairy?

Anyone remember reservoir dogs? And I was like, shut up. How about tooth man? Yeah, fucking toothman. That's a horror movie on Netflix. You'll never select to watch. I'm the tooth man. Hi, I'm the tooth man.

I'm going to kill your family. Perfect guest. And then everyone's favorite Michael Dorn as the Sandman. Holy shit. Here's what's tough for me as a massive TNG fan. Sure. Hashtag we want Wharf. I love Michael Dorn. Of course.

And finding out that Michael Dorn was in this movie, I was like, fuck yeah, that means Michael Dorn's working. But man, sometimes it's just better to fucking get an unemployment check. He can't be in comedy, you know? I was excited. You can't do comedy, you're saying. I think he's the best part of this movie. Yeah, okay.

I mean, that's not saying anything. Sure. But Michael Dorn is the best part of this movie. I'm going in saying there's no best part of this movie. But can Michael Dorn do drama? He knows drama. Michael Dorn played the president on one episode of Heroes. And I got so excited about it.

And then the rest of heroes happened. Like, how is it you're making this fucking dumb heroes show? And you know all these, you know, comic book nerds and Star Trek nerds, everybody's going to be watching it. You have fucking Wharf himself playing the president of the United States. And then you're like, nah, scratch it. Never again. What a tease.

I was so pissed. I'll tell you one thing. Michael Dorn wasn't busy. Michael Dorn was not busy for heroes. He was ready. Well, maybe they were like, oh, shit, we've got George TK on here. We can't have two Star Trek. Oh, but then Nishel Nichols was on it too.

Yep, yep. Well, you know, he might have had to go to his t-shirt factory to make sure we want Worf t-shirts. He's kind of like Santa Claus in that way. He is, yes. He's got elves that are... Nobody can know where this t-shirt factory is. His elves are called Trekkies.

I always love one. He's always like, well, the We Want Morph guys. And I'm like, aren't you those guys? I don't know. I think it's a bigger operation than we realize. Oh, my God. It's gotten so big. Follow the money, right?

I want to get to the bottom of We Want Wharf, man. so it's like the insider and then at the end it's it's Michael Dorn like A Mike fucking Dorn

Being free Just walking outside of a Revolving door And taking a deep breath In Central Park or whatever That would be awesome That would be nice I bet you Michael Dorn can do that too

I bet you Dorn can do drama I know I guarantee it Get him in a Michael Man movie Oh wow He would do it Yeah but yeah he would definitely do it And well Michael Dorn as well

even after Black Hat. I didn't see that. Is it bad? I kind of like it. I liked Blatt Hat. But it like made no money. We're like hacking something in China. Oh, we're hacking.

Lots of things. Oh, yeah? It's a hack and action movie. Yeah. But it's kind of good. Yeah. I kind of like it. I'm not saying it's kind of great.

All right. Put the tweet down. It's kind of good. Look, we've waited too long to talk about Martin Short. He's the last member of the council. Jack Cross. So it's all. like, and this council doesn't make

any sense. It's all, A, it's mostly American holidays, which whatever Where was Guy Fox and all this? Yeah, exactly. What is with Mother Nature, though? Like, don't, it's great sentiment. But do we we don't think of Mother Nature on par with Santa Claus. No, well, that's the thing.

There's like holiday icons and then there's just garbage. And then Peter Boyle's father time, not knowing what he's doing in this movie. Peter Boyle died the same year this movie came at. They were fucking propping him up with a broom behind his back. Dude, he was dead. That was all ADR. Oh my God, they turned

him into a puppet. There's just someone else doing it, yeah. And also, has anybody even used the term father time since 1973? No, not at all. Guaranteed. What? No, I use it all the time. Really? Well, you yell to people on the bus. Come on father time!

Got an airplane to catch. I love, I love saying that when I shove people. He'll shove you. You see Eric in the stream. I'm like, oh, that's he'll shove you he's a shover i'm a tough customer so but like the the sandman falls into that that shit that shit too like that's not a thing well it there's no rhyme or reason to it and also jack frost is there but if jack frost is there wouldn't be there'd be like a summer guy and a fall where's he miser yeah exactly where where's the hollween guy is there how do you not have

michael meyers he's a legendary creature it would be so great it's all these cartoon sitting around and Michael Myers just with his fingers, his hands folded at the end of the table. Dude, he's the best behaved out of all of them. Exactly. He's tearing up little pieces of Danishes that he can put through the hole in his mess. Well, there's no teens to murder anywhere near him or his family. He can't get a gauge on how old these elves are. It's really frustrating. He's always bringing his knife up and putting it down.

And we have to talk about all the kids. that we're going to have to deliver presents to lower so yeah it's a Jack Frost one of these non-entities I guess just because he's mentioned

in a Christmas song and he's all upset because he doesn't have a holiday and Santa Claus does fart the weird thing is like the rules of this council don't make any sense because it's like

Aisha Tyler is like you have been accused of 25 counts of upstaging Santa Claus what the fuck are you talking about yeah like he's been going going around like they say and like you know what I need a cut to there's the cutouts in a mall or something with yeah you got to cut away to these examples because iisha tyler's like yeah uh you've been putting out uh Santa Claus cutouts and replacing them with Jack Frost cutouts or

whatever but like wait so mall culture like like what's going on in FYE matters in this council also in 2006 malls aren't what they used to be who gives a shit what piece of cardboard you're taking down in a mall. They're mostly gone by then. And also he's been like freezing volcanoes and like doing all this other shit. That's what you lead with if you're freezing volcanoes. My God. Yeah, forget the cardboard cutouts of Santa.

Jesus. So yeah, they're like you're going to be, I guess what, stripped of your powers, something. I mean, it's all very vague. And this is a concept that is sort of brushed over in the last movie is like the Tooth Fairy helps them out for some reason. So it's like, oh, that's fun. and then they like kind of expand into this movie. Is Dorn in that second one?

Dorn is in that second one. Really? Yeah. And the funny thing is the Sandman likes to fall asleep. That is hilarious. Doesn't he make you go to sleep? Why would he go to sleep? Because he loves his work.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't think it holds water. So they're like, all right, I guess to Martin Schwarz like, all right, I don't want to be a bad dude. I want to help out busy old Santa. Because he's like, Santa Claus is just complaining in this music. I got the in-laws coming. And I'm like, what are you talking about Santa Claus?

Santa just bitching through this whole first act. By the way, they sell them on this idea that it's, oh, he's a toy maker in Canada. So him and his elves have... That's what they tell the in-laws. Right, yeah. So then him and his elves have to like transform the North Pole into being Canada. And that's funny. That is funny.

Canada is a funny joke. Yeah. And he also like roofies his in-laws. Well, so that's... That's so it's like, all right, Santa has to go to Earth to pick up the in-laws and his ex-family. So Martin Short as Jack Frost is going to stay behind of the North Pole and help. These elves need to be watched. Yeah, every fucking second.

Are they prisoners or what's going on? Oh, yeah. That's why you got to watch them, dude. They might scurry off. Also, after after all. Ew, that's that's very disturbing. They're going to get out of the basement. Ah, these owls.

Oh, so. So, shit. Picture those kid elves doing the spider walk from the exorcist. Do you need any more help, Santa? Better movie. Yeah, sure.

Man, I was going to say something, but I can't get the image out of my head. So disturbing, isn't it? It's gross. Holy shit. What were you saying, Cabin? So the meeting ends with Jack Frost. Like, please give me another chance.

Please give me another chance. Oh, right. Yeah. Let me be on Santa Claus. his team let me help out with the holidays and you know what this is this is like fucking every american government thing ever they don't leave a regulator yes they just needed a guy there to look over his shoulder to make sure he wasn't fucking things up that should be spencer brisland though or the recently deceased david grumholz's character or know your audience

or know your audience just make michael doran the guy who has to watch them the whole time but then how are they going to put the inlaws to sleep because these two these two inlaws will prattle to the world that their son-in-laws sannie claws. But first of all, your ex-family, like, everyone in this little girl, like, knows about him anyway, so who cares? Well, that's, but that's how dumb

this is, Steve. It's only because they talk to people in their town. Yeah. That's the thing. And Margaret and Alan Arkin love to gab. Oh, you know what? They love Facebook. I bet. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, it might not have been, might not have gripped the senior community yet

as it has today. Oh, yeah. But that's a time bomb. Santa Force. Early senior adopters. Yeah, I think so. So it's like, all right, go to Earth with the Sandman. He's going to help you knock him out. Sure.

Okay. So they concoct this whole thing where he shows up in their driveway with Michael Doren. And he's like, yeah, Alan Arkin, this guy behind me is my driver. We're going to go to the airport now. What? Yeah, that's what he says. I know, but I was a chauffeur. stupid is it? Oh, it's really stupid. You've got two supernatural beings that can go across the world all the time.

I mean, bend time and space. Conceivably, Michael Dorn is everywhere all at once because with the population, which is out of control, by the way. That's a big problem. You need to thin the herd. But there's someone going to sleep at every second. Yeah. Yeah. So where's Dorn? Where is Dorn? Hashtag we want Wharf. That's, I mean, by the way, I think Joseph Gordon Leavitt walked out of that Sandman movie. what if Michael Dorn reprises the role? He plays Morpheus. I don't think Michael Dorn could be emo enough to be Morpheus. That would just be really something. That would just be really something.

That's an awful lot of face paint I have to wear. Grab me my helm. He can't do drama. He can do drama. In case, because everyone likes to stir the pot on the internet. They're like, oh, you were talking about Chris Jericho. I'm going to add Chris Jericho. Don't add Michael.

Doran. We like Michael Doran. We like Michael Doran. Yeah, totally. And I don't care about Chris Jericho. I'm sure he's a great guy. It doesn't mean I have to give a shit. I don't want an internet feud with ex-Resslers or ex-Star Trek people. Well, no, he's a current wrestler. That's why we're eating pounds of shit because he still rassels. You just explicitly asked all of them to ask Michael Doran about this. I know. I know. I don't want that to happen. Michael Doran is great. I was literally just watching Star Trek the next generation. Let him sleep. So Michael Dorn, as the Sandman, knocks them both out. It's really uncomfortable because they're just like out. Because how many times has he's done this to like, you know, honest people that aren't trying to go to bed? Yeah. Man, I really wish I could stay up and I just passed out last night. I don't know why. Yeah.

Because he got a visit from the Sandman. And suddenly you're nude. Oh, oh, Michael Dorn's not pulling any of that. You ever wake up with your shirt off and you're like, I guess it was hot. I took that off. I must have woken up and took that off for a second. I believe you hashtag we want Wharf before you went to sleep. You know what?

I might want it. I might hashtag that tonight to see if it comes true. If that's the case, yeah, unwrap my Christmas present. That would not be bad. That's not a bad situation. It's a good-looking older man. It's not drama, but it'll do. So then he goes to his ex-wife's house to see his son,

who's a grown boy who doesn't want to be in these movies. anymore. After he drags the comatose bodies of his in-laws into his fucking sack. Yeah, you got to put those in the sack. That is gross. Yeah, right in there. So he's like, hey, ex-wife, where's that son? And he's like,

oh, hey, movie, I'm going to go snowboarding through most of this. I think he aged out of being cute and they're like, yeah, get out of here. We're going to get a new cute kid. He got replaced by this little red-headed girl. Billy Moomy's daughter, by the way. Oh, how about that? Yeah, yeah. Lost in Space.

Chris. Oh, okay. And one of the best episodes of the Twilight Zone. So, and she's like, oh, wow, I can't wait to go to the Nerth. She keeps him Uncle Scott. And every time she calls me Uncle Scott, I'm like, oh, no, no, no, I just got divorced from your mom. It's totally fine. But that's how much.

I'm just divorced from your mom. That's how involved he is with their lives, though. He is indeed Uncle Scott. That is Judge Reinhold's kid. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So it's nothing to do with him.

Exactly. Got nothing to do with him. Like, I mean, and you could be, it's a good. That's what like, you know, some, your family friend is, quote, unquote, uncle. Sure. I guess that's where it falls under. This is going to sound really bad, but you give her about the same attention as a dog. You're like, now, don't take this the wrong way, but you treat this little girl like a dog.

Like a friendly dog in the house, like, hey, Lucy, how are you doing? And that's it. I kind of agree. I'm there to see my son. I don't know you. I didn't make you. There should be like a supernatural counsel of uncle. to weigh in on this.

Uncle Dan, Uncle Rob, Uncle Pete. They're all weighing in and they're all saying the same thing, treat her like a dog. So saith us and chug it. By the way, did you block us collectively on Facebook?

So then it turns into this thing where like he's trying to take his son to the North Pole, but he's got a snowboarding date with people we've never seen. So then it's like, Well, the three of us can go, and he's like, okay. He does not want them there at all.

No, because he's trying to work. He's trying to fucking work. He's got a job to do. Come in February, man. I'll show you the fucking operation. Then I'll give you a two-day tour. Santa's got nothing to do in February, but sit around, watch porn on the internet and drink beer. A bunch of meetings.

That's it. Yeah. Speaking of coming in February. Jesus Christ. Good God. We're doing a podcast. And also, we've already established Santa's fucking. Yeah, Santa is fucking.

Ken is fucking 24 by 7 Love to fuck Speaking of which Because we mentioned this On previous Christmas episodes There is a slight hint Of we might be fucking On Christmas Christmas songs in this movie

Which one? There's some like it's some like a We're a ho ho ho guitar fucking Oh I hate that song Whatever that piece of shit You know what You know what that fucking like Santa rock I don't need it

It sucks Even with Bruce Springsteen just fucking shut it down I love the boss That fucking Santa Claus is coming to town. I can't take it. I love Bruce Springsteen. I can't take that song. Give me Nat King Cole.

Give me some class on the holidays. Charlie Brown Christmas. Mm-hmm. Totally. Just do it. Like, you're not chugging beers on Christmas. You shouldn't be. And I don't need fucking grandma got run over by a reindeer because I have a fucking shirt on, all right?

Wait, do people fuck to that song? No, I mean, they're hillbillies. They're hillbillies. That song is about hillbillies. Oh, okay, yeah. So, yeah, they don't have enough shirts. It was written by the, it was written by the stars of the hills have eyes. The seventh member of Leonard Skinnerd. He survived in her own.

He crawled out of the wreckage to write. Grandma got run over by reindeer. Can I tell you, by the way, I've been drinking eggnogs since like before Thanksgiving. Oh, really? I don't do the eggnogs. Oh, I haven't had any of this year. Jesus Christ, dude, you just put a, a big old pour a bourbon in there, it's right where you want to be.

That's got nothing to do with anything, but all this talk about grandma got run over the rainier. It's like drinking ice cream. You know, it's very nice. I will say, I don't appreciate this movie's Coco jokes. All of the cocoa jokes.

And it's like a euphemism for alcohol. It's that. It's you've got too much cocoa. It's that. It's a euphemism for coffee. It's a euphemism for blow. It's an euphemism for anal. It's a euphemism for alcohol.

euphemism for a party politics, I believe. Had Mrs. Coco. I mean, well, I mean, Mrs. Claus and the Coco. Oh, God, damn it. So he knocks his grandparents out, and all the elves have to be, and this has to be a little offensive to go up to all these elves and be like, hey, you guys work like 36 hours a day. Time passes differently at the North Pole.

But you're all a little creepy, so you've got to wear these hats. And make your ears a little bit more normal. You know what I mean? I don't want my in-laws to throw up. Well, it's like, you know, whenever Spock traveled back in time. You got to put that fisherman's hat on. My partner is obviously Chinese. Oh, yeah, totally.

There's some crazy lines. Yeah, I just watched that. I just watched that one recently. Yikes. It was a piece of the action that was like, oh, no, that's a city on the edge of tomorrow. Is it tomorrow or forever? Yeah, that's one of them. It's on the edge of stuff.

It's on the edge of everything, really. It's on the edge of that girl getting hit by a truck. Look, I asked Lawrence to take care of this, and clearly he couldn't. But you all have to put Canada shit everywhere. Nail it up to your doors. We'll take care of the labor forest, you know, just polish the shops up. But, you know, and I'm really sorry I had to do this because Lawrence says in the guts to do it. The guts!

But, yes, we're Canada now. And here's the thing. How stupid do you think these people are? Like, listen, I've never been to France. Yeah, I've never gone to Paris, right? But it's like, if you brought me to the North Pole in some fake fucking place, and it's clearly just like a walking stereotype,

I'd be like, well, this is, there's something going on here. It's offensive, the signs of this thing. It's like Canada. Heart hockey. Yeah, yeah, there's a hockey shop. And of course, there's a big and tall. Hey, Canada, you're fat. There's also a maple leaf thing.

I think there's a sign for universal health care And I mean like Martin short that turncoats Canadian Just like sitting on set like I guess this is cool Yeah and everyone is doing A jokes like You know they'll be like hi we're just we're not we're Canadian We're not elves this isn't magic A someone has to like elbow the person who's speaking and they go oh A and then Alan Alda

Arkin Class it up a little bit with some Alan Alda in this fucking Oh man what if Alan Alda was the elf's foreman you know what i mean i'd watch a whole movie of that i would the elf foreman i would love it there's gonna be a lot of jokes about how tall he is he's humongous

he's taller than everybody in this movie we're gonna wake double shift santa clothes that's it's all i got here's some jokes about korea i hope you like uh so yeah they bring them all there and elizabeth mitchell's reunited with her parents but like immediately this movie devolves into a John Cassavetti's argument. These people are fucking screaming and yelling at each other. You shut us out.

Holy mother. What is that? Yeah, that's nuclear man. I don't need that. Not on the holidays. Oh my God. It's insane. They just start fighting and like Tim Allen's trying to work.

And there's this crazy thing where like the star on their tree, the tree falls over and this thing shatters. Oh, that's a little later. That's the, that's the, but what's going on is Martin Short's like, oh, I'm going to help out. But to your, to Chris's point, there's no regulating body to watch him. And he keeps fucking up Santa's workshop. He keeps tempting the elves with Coco, which is weird. Because I mean, look, at best it's just coffee. Like, you know what I mean?

They're getting all hepped up on goofballs. They're all little kids, man. You can't give a little kid coffee. That much sugar? My God. They're like 900 years old, man. I mean, that's why this movie needs to specify what is going on. Either you hire a bunch of kids and their kid elves or you get fucking a bunch of

a bunch of little Mickey Rooney's running around. And those are your elves. They're supposed to be fucking little Yoda's or something. Right. Or how about a mix? Why are they all children? I get it. It's like a kids movie.

But David Krumholtz was like fucking 45 in that first movie. Come on. My question, though, is, is it weird for the little people acting community? Are we taking roles away from them by casting Bob Newhart in that elf movie? or are we not? Is it okay? They gotta be tired of playing elves, man. I would think so for sure.

But then now, but that's my whole year. That's my whole fiscal year now. Well, you could be working at a mall. Yeah, that's true. Or like Boardwalk Empire.

Or Boardwalk Empire. You could be a boxer on Boardwalk Empire, man. Oh, God. I mean, you know, thankfully Peter Dinklage is fucking smashing all the ceilings, playing X-Men villain

and all sorts of stuff. He's fantastic. He's playing Bill Duke in movies. He can do anything. Matching up with the greats like Bill Duke Yeah, take jobs away from Bill Duke That's the other question Is it okay to take rolls away from Bill Duke?

I think Bill Duke needs to be permanently employed He should be always on the silver screen. Bill Duke should be on Last Man Standing. He might be maybe well might be. He might be the producer. So what? Oh, yeah, so we're introduced to the concept I guess talk about this.

It's the sub-title of the movie. The escape clause. So the whole conceit of this is like It's a way for Santa to not be Santa anymore Which is time travel and crazy and like It involves something called the Hall of Snow Gloves Fuck this, they set up how to not be Santa anymore And that's you get fucking murdered

That's exactly right That's it It's a pine box Exactly It's like the Supreme Court Oh you're not Santa anymore You want oh here's a new job It's called pushing up daisies

That's what it should have been cabin Fucking Tim Allen gets Antonin's Gilead in this movie. Oh, you mean the CIA? Yeah, dude, they fucking snuff him out. Yeah. With that pillow? Yeah.

They put it over his head and they start to shoot him in the face. He chokes on feathers, dude. I'm just saying, exhumed that body. Oh, no, it's like, I don't care if the widow Scalia's crying. You got to get to the bottom of this. The widows. You bring that body up. You bring that hateful fat body out of the ground.

If you're willing to pull guns on other conspiracy theories, dig up that. You know what? Get a shovel, Hillbilly. No, it's a, like, all right, you want the escape clause? So he goes, he has the escape clause. And then Robert De Niro gets a phone call. And he's like, how did the escape calls go? And like, oh, well, we had a problem and he's gone. We had to let him go. He kicks over the phone booth and that's the end of it. That would be awesome. And there wasn't nothing we could do

about it. That's the line I'm looking for. You just see Tim Allen fucking getting thrown into a pile of snow. A plow comes by. Oh, that would be great But instead, like, he's got to say I wish I wasn't Santa ever or something like that I wish I was never Santa Claus at all At all, right. It's a whole the snow globe at the time.

Touching his personalized Santa snow globe. What a magic spell that sentence was. So Martin Short tricks him into saying this. I mean, but that's the problem is like this It takes an hour to get here because like the hour of a fucking 96 minute movie by the way because the movie should be the alternate reality we go into that this should be like this should be the framing device

fuck the little kid right it should be just like maybe 20 minutes of this and then like you really missed your destiny for a long time totally and then at the end you fix it yeah this is like a 20 minute sequence it's kind of the whole movie yeah that's I was totally I'd never seen this before and I was totally surprised at how fast it's wrapped up because yeah it's like you're back to the future two's or more traditionally Christmas time, your It's a Wonderful Life. Exactly. We need to

really live in this new reality. But to be fair, when you start doing shit like that, keep in mind, it's a wonderful life is like two hours and ten minutes long. Can you imagine? Yeah, that's a good one. 130 minutes of the Santa Claus 3. The second one's an hour and 45 and that shit was

hard to get through. Well, that robot's up to so many wacky. If there's another 25 minutes on top of that, I'm really, really considering, you Now, I haven't seen that second one. Does the robot get hansy with people? Because is it like an evil, Santa?

He's evil, but he's not, he has no no junk as far as I can do. He's just weird. How do you know that he's got no junk? Crumholtz didn't bother to engineer a genitalia. He's naked and they show him. He's like a Ken doll for a second. From the back, you can see he's like Ken doll. He doesn't have hash cheeks. Oh, wait.

Oh, man. And is that Tim Allen doing that nudity? Of course it is. Rub my bump. Rub my bump. Rub my bump. I'm excreting semen through my pores. Hey, Santa, you ever want to see a Kendall use the N-word?

That's who we need is the foreman elf. It's Joey Pan. Totally. No, CGI needed whatsoever. The secret code of Christmas. You've unlocked it. All right, everybody. It's a great day today.

I fired Lawrence. Meet Joey Pants. All right, you scumbags. Christmas is coming and Christmas is coming fast. Organize this shit quickly. Oh, no. And then a comet dies in a stable fire. And then Santa glows goes up to Joey Pants' house to see what's going on.

And they get to a fight over it. And then he goes, ha, fuck you, Santa, you sausage by the fucking truck. And he gets hit in the head with a frying pan. That's right. That's exactly how he'd go out. By the way, can we talk really quickly about the reindeer farting? And being gremlins.

Yeah, it's disgusting. The noises they make are like the in gremlins to the one that's in the soup. Yeah, I agree. But is that gremlin saying gremlin? No. Oh, all right. I'm saying.

That is such a soup gremlin thing. But it's, you know what's shocking about these reindeer, though? Not voiced by Frank Welder. I know. I looked it right up. I triple checked. I checked it list twice. I think he booked a cruise.

He must have. He booked a voice acting cruise. But yeah, they're just like, and they're farting. And he's like, oh, easy, easy comet. Lay off the alfalfa. P.U. I'm like, great.

This is a great movie. He ate the original alfalfa. Oh, hey, I looked it up after we were talking about it on the show a couple weeks back. What's his face from in cold blood and lost? By Robert Blake. He definitely was a little rascal. Oh, he, yeah. It was gross.

That's awesome. You know, he could be an elf. Yeah, it's Joey Fenton, Robert Blake. Oh, man, they would whip this workshop into shape. Speaking of, I could be an elf, Mark. How about Gallagher? Oh, that's it. Or maybe it would be Father Time.

Oh, he could fit Father Time. I'm going to say, if Robert Blake is the middle management type here, the Hellmouth makes more sense. Yeah. If we're going to do that way, we're going to do that way, can go that way right like he comes up with this new strategy like you got to intimidate these people so he's like santa you got to be so he makes santa like a scary figure so the elves are in line right start happening around here gargoyles on every corner you can find oh god that's right uh so yeah so we go back in time 12 years so basically he he he he senta is so fucking

stupid the one thing he can't do oh by the way uh uh jack frost martin short we can do we can do we can do we can talk about a little bit. He looks really weird in this movie. He looks like a Martin Short robot. He does. It's gross. A lot of makeup like everyone that's weird, but he freezes Judge Reinhold and Wendy Cruzen.

Oh, right. And then like he locks the little girl in a closet. Like, no, freeze the little girl too. That's a witness. You got to kill a family. You got to kill a whole fucking record. She's the one that's going to mouth off the most. He's straight up killing these people.

Yeah. Like they are murdered. Like you're frozen for hours. You're fucking dead. Frozen bodies did look like something that you could find in a John Carpenter movie. Those things are bone chivalry. Pretty.

And then get in the closet with them. I was like, okay. Yes. Sit in this closet with your clearly dead parents for an indeterminate amount of time. Yikes. You have Mary, Chris. That girl is messed up. Oh, big time.

She's killing people. Yeah, she's, you know what? She hates the holiday. Now she's like the only way she knows how to how to feel good about life is to chop people up and put them in her freezer. Oh, wow. That's right. learn it's learned behavior she would be like she would be the source material for silent night

deadly night too garbage day that's perfect it would be great did we uh and also did we touch on red deer how that is how you get into the snow globes oh it's red bull but red deer oh and it's just one of those stupid things where you just show the brand colors and like that's it but hey red bull red deer right well it's Canada they've got red deer up there that's all they drink. And it's also fun to have little kids drink fucking Torrine by the gallon, right? Tim Allen, you piece of shit. We should not be peddling Red Bull

to children. No way. Not unless there's vodka in it. The creepiest part. Whoa. Got to talk to the Sandman about that. Can we talk with the Anne Margaret scene? So like it's Martin Short and like he's a maligned

legendary figure much like Martin Shorten's I got to tell you, we just watched that hair spray live last night and he's playing the dad and he's good

he's good in it round the horn what do we think about Martin Short I think he's kind of good I can't he's kind of I love him

I like it too love him he's a vessel like he's he will take the shape of whatever you need the movie to be like in Clifford

he's going to be terrible because that's a terrible movie no Clifford is a great movie I honestly really enjoy it oh really split in the room

on that one but you know where it's unacceptable here's a shape I don't like him taking Jiminy Glick Oh, it's just something I don't need.

I will denounce Jiminy. Right here and now. Right here and now. I denounce it. Also. I denounce. I abandoned my child. I abandoned my Glick.

It's just, I've always hated it. I've always hated that character. That Glick needed to go to a special school. But no, I love him. Great and inherent vice. Oh, he's so awesome in that movie. Speaking of doing to do it. coke but um so it's him he's like trying to get anne margaret's attention and she's like he's like

well i bet you can sing a lot of songs and she's like why as a matter of fact i can and he's like what did you swing chestnuts roasting on an open fire and she's like oh okay and she starts singing and she gets to jack frost nibbing at your nose he goes uh and he's like sing it again sing it again and she doesn't get it i'm like dude this guy's a pervert you got to walk away right well she doesn't know he's jack frog Oh, she's singing it. She's singing, she don't even know it. That's the whole thing.

That's like the whole thing. Oh, it's because I need women to sing a Jack Frost Nibbligate your nose. They don't even know it. It's a woman on the bus. She's wearing sandals. She don't even know it. What are you nipping? Just say it again.

What are you nipping? Oh, I'm going to dip your nose. Oh, nip it nose. It's a disturbing scene in a kid's movie. But to your point, he tricks Santa Claus into saying, I wish I was never Santa Claus at all, which is the one sentence you should never say Santa Claus. And he knows this. Santa Claus knows this. We do a little bit of Back to the Future, Part 2, and now we're watching the first movie again.

Which I could watch Tim Allen murder Santa Claus at least 15 times a day. So what when he took a gun out and shot him? Is that what happens? No, he goes, like, Tim Allen thinks that he's a burglar. Oh, yeah. And he's like, hey, you on the rough. And Santa Claus goes, er, and like slips and slides down the roof. makes a fatal one-story drop.

Yeah, a really good point. You know what? But also, building on that, that should be Jack Frost's end game, is to make him slip and die. Yeah, or just kill him. Just pull this guy's brains out and then put the coat on.

That's the easiest way to do it. Yeah, none of this casting a spell horse shit. But so then, like, uh, uh, they got guns at the North Pole. They should. Candy cane-shaped guns. Yes. Yep.

Well, there's a war on Christmas, don't you know? Yeah, they got a horrible. They've got a lot of weaponry. Got to liberate them Starbucks cups. WMDs up there. Which can we just, can we say really quickly? If you're getting upset about Starbucks cups, you can't celebrate Christmas this year.

Cancel Christmas for yourself. If you're getting upset about Starbucks cups, please, please. How about, yeah, who gives a shit? That's a great question. Yeah. People with too much time on their hands. Drink your coffee that's red. It's a red cup.

That's a Christmas. color or whatever and go in your car and fucking put the radio and listen to all the Christmas music everyone is being subjected to 24 by 7. I just don't get it like why, why, why, why, why?

Can't we change the design of a cup? Why does it have to be fucking, I mean, what does it need to be? Santa Claus 8 reindeer Mrs. Claus? No, no, no, no. All it has to have is the word Christ on it. That's all it needs. If you want to go

in the privacy of your your own home, watch the passion of the Christ, and jerk off. That's your business. That's what you do on Easter. Oh, that's what it is. All right, well, all right, fine. You can get sand claws on a Christmas cup, but on Easter, you need to have a fucking a crucified Christ

on your coffee. Yeah, I want to see a fucking limp dead Jesus on a cross. And they have to die the coffee red. For a whole month. And on Ash Wednesday, every single cup has to get the mark. Oh, man. Here's the thing you fucking... You got a podray in the back?

You fucking litter bug, right? Why don't you just take, buy a coffee cup, like a travel mug you know, with like Jesus in the manger and a big old juicy crucifix on it or whatever you want. Bring that to Starbucks and

have them fill it up for you. And I'll tell you another thing. Can we all leave the Starbucks employees alone? Let's stop tricking them into doing weird names on the cup. Yeah. Like it's just like, they're busy. They don't fucking care. And you think you got them?

They don't fucking care. And no one cares about you except for those people on Facebook that you're in cahoots with. Your uncle. I was actually, do you? The league of uncles. I was talking to a buddy of mine who works at a Starbucks and he was saying that the CEO of Starbucks decreed who cares about those people if you don't have to do it, which is great. As well, he should have. Yeah.

So we're going back in time and watching Santa Claus die again. Because, yeah, and then Jack Frost hits Santa Claus. They both go back. time, which kind of doesn't make sense. They get sucked back through the time stream. He's holding him. Well, yeah, see, it's classic time travel physics. It is Bill and Ted's rules.

Oh, that's exactly right. That's exactly right. And he hits, uh, he hits Santa Claus in the face before, he hits Tim Allen in the face before he can get the jacket and then he puts the jacket on. Right. And now he's Santa Claus, even though, how does that work in the time stream if he's coming back for us? Why is, that's the thing.

Why isn't there the past Tim Allen fucking around? There is. Later in the movie, he comes back. But I know, but in that first scene, there should be two Tim Allen's. Which, my God, that's two Tim Allen's too many. Also, and I'm just going to say, he's already the representation of some bullshit.

Yeah, he's a magic person anyway. You really think it has to be immortal, I think. He turns into Scrooge, and he doesn't understand, he doesn't remember his own life. Like, why wouldn't you, if you're 12 years went undone and you became someone else, Why would you have those memories? Why wouldn't you have those memories?

No, he does have them. But he doesn't understand like, oh, why are we working on Christmas when he becomes the business? Oh, he doesn't have those memories. Yes, it's weird. He comes, yeah, he wakes up 12 years later and he's like the CEO of some toy company, I guess, in the first movies, is a toy representative or something? Yeah. But like, yeah, to Eric's point, like, it doesn't make sense. Like, he doesn't have any, and he only has the old memories back to Santa Claus 1 and 2 in his brain.

Right. Not the last 12 years. But Marty and Doc don't know what happened to them. They've got to go solve it. The timeline diverged here into an alternate 1985. At this point, you were Santa Claus

for 12 years. You murdered Santa. That's another thing that's weird. These two sequels are way later than that first movie. Oh, yeah. The first movie's like in the 90s, isn't it? It's like 94. The clamshell VHS case. Yeah. But so he's like, Oh, I got to go see my ex.

The first thing I got to do is see my X-Y. Because my God, I got to make sure that I still have some sort of friendly, congenial relationship by X-Yenhold. I have to make fun of Judge Reinhold. I have to make fun of Judge Reinhold. He loves debasing Judge Reinhold in these movies. Yeah, it's very disturbing. I think Tim Allen hates Judge Reinhold in real life.

Because he does yoga and he's a psychiatrist. Get the fuck out of him. Any value that isn't exactly held by fucking 12 truckers in Middle America, therefore is frou-frew and garbage. I'm going to take a last stand on this one. Last man's stand. It's Tim Allen, David Mamet, and that's it. You know what I would make fun of Judge Reinhold for in this movie, though?

Remember that at the end of that first one? He's got that hot dog whistle. That's always stupid. That's that that's pretty stupid. She's playing the dating game. Like, just shut the fuck up, will you? So then he goes there and, like, she's pissed off and was like, but we're best friends.

And here's, did you guys catch this interesting detail, by the way? So this is... I must have missed it. Interesting, you say? No, it's so shitty because this is supposed to be like a bad timeline. The alt-1985, Jimmy Stewart was never born, that whole thing, right? So this is a quote-unquote bad world, right? So in the real timeline, she's like a whatever, business-ish woman of some stature.

In this movie, when she opens the door in that scene where it's bad, bad timeline, she's dressed up as a waitress and like her hair's fucked up and she's got a name tag on and it's like, look how fucking miserable this woman's life is. She has to be a waitress. Oh man, that's shitty. The actual butterfly effect. She works at a diner. She is fucking down in the dumps. I was actually kind of surprised because the kid, it's Christmas Eve and the kid's like going out with his friends. I'm like, I'm kind of surprised you wasn't like a goth or like a gangster rapper or whatever fucking Tim Allen's nightmares are. Go, go, go, good, gay. Yeah, or go, gaga, gay, heaven forbid. I'm going out with my boyfriend on Christmas Eve.

Tim Allen puts his fucking head in a snowbank. The snow melts. But then he's like, but where's Judge Reinhold and Lucy? And she's like, what the fuck do you care about my daughter, dude? Get out of here. Also, this needs to be a thing where that girl doesn't again. exist. Yes. That has to happen. What are you talking about? We got divorced

after six months. Yeah. We never had... Who's Lucy? What are you talking about? Like, I was waiting for that to happen. And it's like, no, you still, in this world, produced the same exact kid? I don't think so. No, no, no. She's a baby angel now. It was a miscarriage, and then Mike Pence jailed her for observation.

We're going to hook electrodes to this angel and see what shakes out. Oh, that dude, that dude is the bad guy In an ET movie He really is, dude That's how he lights the top of his Christmas tree Hooks a car battery up to a fucking aborted angel So he's like, oh

Oh, she's like, oh Judge Reinhold and Lucy are at the North Pole And he's like, Frost made the North Pole commercial He takes a commercial flight I guess does this go through some magic barrier? What are we talking about? It's Santa Airlines, dude. I think Richard Branson

started it. But how do you get to the North Pole without magic? Well, I think, here's the thing. I think in the preferred timeline, there's some sort of spell that masks this North Pole. But I think Martin Shorts done away with all of that. And it's just like, come on in.

And the balls for Disney to get on a high horse about theme parks. You better believe it. Can we just stop Disney's to Santa Claus Tree? We can't commercialize Christmas. While we're commercializing Christmas

It's so fucking outrageous It should be called the Santa Claus 3 The Pot Calling the Kettle Black It's like you're selling Red Bull to children In this movie And then you're like oh man This miser's trying to turn a dollar on Christmas But meanwhile my coffee cup is not the right color

Yeah Heaven forbid This is what we're getting on about But so he goes to the North Pole And oh my God it's so commercially You have to buy a ticket to everything just like fucking Disney World. Oh, and it's great because it's all these rotten families

fighting with each other about gifts and whatnot. The thing is, A, welcome to the real Christmas in case you were wondering. Oh, sure. Oh, sure. But, like, you don't see really any of the attractions. It's just a gigantic gift shop. Like, the workshop is a gift shop.

Sure. And they're all these, like, be sure you stick around for the 2 o'clock reindeer execution or, like, whatever it is. But you don't see any of that stuff. Like, I want to see those things. All the elves have like the old, like the placards for like tour, like bus tours and stuff like that on them like, ask about our tree shinings or whatever. Yeah, they're all, it's those dudes on the street spinning arrows that say this way to subway. But, so he's like, oh my God, it's a fucking nightmare, right?

And like, he runs into Judge Reinhold. Also the balls on it. He goes to Judge Ronald. I was like, why'd you get divorced from my wife? It's like, I'll tell you why, Tim Allen. Because your son never warmed up to me. And therefore, we had a lot of problems in our marriage. And I'm like, hey, guess what, dude?

Not my problem. I've been divorced for years by. Yeah, totally. Fix your own marriage. How is that Tim Allen's fault? I blame you. I never thought I'd be saying this, but it's not Tim Allen's fault. Well, that's this shitty thing.

It's because he has been dumping on this character, the stepdad, has been. dumped on for three movies now and now you're suggesting that the only thing that was keeping that family together was fucking Tim Allen's mouth you've got to be kidding me guys so he's like bye Tim Allen by forever he's dressed like his character and vice versa by the way oh do you think that that's actually Fred Savage yeah and then somewhere else yeah the little girl is is Judge Reinhold actually we also got vice versa so I'm trying to figure that out first and then I'll figure out your

supplementary timeline. And somehow the little girl has a really thick Chicago accent. So he goes to the little girl and he's like, hey, and she's like, I don't know who the fuck you are, man. Like, we're high by friends, as we should be. Yeah, she's like, you normally treat me like I'm a friendly dog. Mr. Calvin, she calls him.

Aren't you going to put a cookie in my mouth and walk away? But he like robs this little girl. I say, hey, I know you like snow blobs. And she's like, I guess I do. And he's like, if you go to that special room and get me this snow globe, you'll save Christmas. Here's your heist movie happening. Yeah, that's true. Also, by the way, Tim Allen, do you need 12 snow globes.

Do me a favor, my ex-wife's ex-husband, don't whisper to my daughter. Do me that one favor. Don't ever have a secret with my daughter. Thanks. Well, that's a lifetime movie title, right? Don't have a secret of my daughter? Yeah. Don't have a secret with my daughter, too.

you had a secret with my daughter. And also on the subject of keeping secrets, Martin Short, lock that fucking snow globe room. Yes, or demolish it. Like, put it somewhere else. Brick that shit up, cask of a Monteado style.

Oh, and Tim Allen goes up to Martin Short, and he's like, you tricked me. And there's, it's an ill set up microphone pen, which I need, because at the end he uses it, I'm like, that was a microphone pan? No, it's, dude, it's quite literally the exact opposite of ill set up.

It's about as set up as you can get. You know how I know? Because I noticed it. And I never noticed stuff like that. He's like, he's trying to sell Tim Allen on this pen. He's like, pick up a pen. They record things. And he records himself and plays it back.

And Tim Allen's like, that's stupid. And he takes it from him. And then he totally plays the thing. Like, you see, Tim Allen lifts this thing up and clicks it. And he's like, what is that thing you made me say? And he says it. And he's like, thank you. I really admit that whole thing.

It's so ridiculously set up. And I was like, oh, so that's how you're going to solve this. What I didn't guess what was going to happen is that happens approximately four and a half minutes later. It's just we're so rapidly solving this problem. It's outrageous. Well, I mean, you do need a Martin Short musical number to fill those four and a half minutes. Now, I'll admit, this is where I started falling asleep. Okay.

I got caught up watching that three-hour hairspray live last night. And the last thing you wanted to do is watch Martin Short sing at one. more second. Although I'll tell you what, him and Harvey Firestein together was fucking right on. All right. But by the time this scene rolled around in the movie, I was falling asleep. So what song does he sing? Is it a real song or a fake song? North Pole,

North Pole? Yes. Oh, that's right. Oh, it just came flooding back. Oh, God did it ever. It's awful. It's like in defending your life when that, not defending your life. Notice, the one where Albert Brooks dies is defending your life. No, it's like in

Lost in America where that guy's trying to tell him how to sing a jingle about Ford. He's like, it's Ford. So what is the purpose of singing that song? Is he selling something? That's the show. It's like if you're going to Vegas,

you'd have to buy tickets to go see Jack Frost sing a stupid fucking song. And he's only a little doier than he is. So the body horror, I guess, because he's an immortal, didn't get him so much. And also he looks exactly like Wolf Blitzer,

by the way. He totally does. Even white frost hair. It's like Wolf Blitzer with like steely blue eyes. It's, it's, I'm shuddering right now thinking about it. But then, yeah, four and a half minutes later, the little girl like throws the ball and he's like, hey, catch. And then he clicks it. And then we go back through, right?

Yeah, we go back. We go back through. And it's the two of them. And then we do see 94 Tim Allen. And so it's a much thinner and darker hair Tim Allen. And less plastic surgery. And you see the weird thing is like. I remember, I haven't seen the first one in a while, like, it's kind of a good gag.

The guy falls and the little kid's like, you killed him. It's like kind of, like that's an edgyish joke. It was the 90s. We could still have that. That first movie, despite its faults, was a movie. Yeah, this is not a movie. This is not a movie. Question, was this theatrically released?

Yes, oh, yikes. The Year of Our Lord, in the Year of Our Lord, 2009, 2006. Oh. And then they started planning the tooth fairy franchise from this. But Art LaFleur was never seen again. But the weird thing is that, so let's think about the time twist here. So then basically in this timeline, Tim Allen holds on to Jack Frost so he can't get the coat. And the right Tim Allen, the younger Tim Allen goes and grabs it, setting the timeline back.

But like this weird thing, like, and then he remembers it. And then like Jack Frost, no one should remember anything because it just gets a race. It should be a loop, actually, because it would never end because basically every time, then Jack Frost would trick it. Steve, Steve, you know what? Sure. Whatever, sure. Every single timeline also, these people will have to live out their lives.

Yeah. So she's a waitress and she eventually dies. Yeah, she rots. And eventually the world ends and restarts itself. And she's just in that timeline, but there's other people in other timelines. She goes up there with the baby angel. and Mike Pence tortures them both They should all be

Like when they go back to the regular timeline Everybody should have massive nosebleeds Like you're futzing too much with the space time continuum Oh it's raining donuts Yeah, exactly Sorry I've been watching that I watched some of that Simpson's marathon So I got Simpsons on the brain

Who does? What's a donut? Oh look it's raining Yeah so then he just comes back and he's like hey Elizabeth Mitchell sorry I've been being a dick I love being Santa and I love being your husband let's have this baby and I am against the purge actually I've learned that the purge is wrong but they do and then basically like Christmas gets saved for some reason

because then all the magic Hoosafudges come out helping at the workshop because the elves get their fucking ass in gear finally but then she's having this baby well no actually we have to get to the Jack Frost scene which is the weird the end of Jack oh it's disgusting so like they're all like oh yeah exactly they're all like oh the timeline's been fixed and Santa Claus is happy

and like the elves are back at work and this little girl comes out like my parents were murdered these two little like mummies are terrifying dude the only way this movie should end is fucking Santa Claus and Art LaFleur

big old gruff art LaFleafloire Rab and Jack Frost and shoving him down into the electric chair. Yep. I was chaining him in. I thought you were going to say just each take a limb and pull. Oh, man. Like a wish pole? Or like when the classic execution and it sucks that we don't do this anymore.

Well, you take a guy. The two horses. Oh, yeah. Oh, the old two horses. I'd say, you know what? Get too reindeer. Have we done it with four horses or four reindeer? Well, they did it in the, in the hitcher with the two cars.

Oh, yeah, that's a moderate, that's horse power. Yeah. Is that a Ford? Hey, Wilson, I'm going to kill my enemy. Come on, Al, just tie him to the bumper. Dude, the series finale of Home Improvement should have been Al Borland fucking telling that guy off. Hey, Tim, the toolman, Taylor.

Here's what I think of you. Or maybe it's like, you know, what sucks about that show is they tried to go dramatic too much, and they could go either way with this. Al brings a gun to work the last, the last episode. Oh, Binford starts making guns. Oh, that's right. Exactly, exactly.

Oh, that would be awesome, actually. Al Borland murders the whole studio audience with a nail gun. I've had enough. We're in hell tonight. Tim's like, oh, I superpowered this thing. Hey, Al, let's use it. And then Al dies and Tim has to live with it the rest of his life. At long last, like, that's a dangerous thing, man.

talking on power tools. He realizes that Al Borland was his one and only true friend. Because much like Roseanne, that show had a lot of like buddies of his, but nobody that really stuck around. No, they were all at the sports bar and just like eating peanuts next to them. We're coming over for

cards at the tool man's house, etc. Some cold pizzas, yeah. So these two people are frozen and there's a weird thing in the middle of the movie where he's like, well, Lucy, your hugs are magic. And she's like, yeah, drawer that's weird to say to me.

Oh, God, right? Because he gave her that snow glow. Yeah, and then, like, he's like, well, there's only, and like, no one can unfreeze these people. And Jack Frost is even like, I can't, unless I'm unfrozen, I can't unfreeze him, which doesn't make anything. So she hugs him. Right. And it turns him into like a sunny guy. Like, it turns him into Clifford. It does. He has a Clifford haircut. I got to mention, like, it's, it's very unsettling. I forgot about this. But the, Santa gives her, towards the start of the film, I believe, a snow globe wherein there's a miniature

version of her that's like, it's just, it's the actress playing this moment. Yeah. And it's her hugging some goddamn thing. A snowman. A snowman. Oh, so she's killing a snowman. She's killing a snowman. And it's like this,

but it's like, it's like she was shrunk. Yes, it's very weird. And wait, so the magic, but she has the magic powers that this, I think she's getting, she's getting inaugurated into the council after this. I think so, yeah. She's the heat miser.

She's Ant-Man? I think she's the creepy little girl. That's the Halloween figure. Oh, yeah, right. Actually, no other than I think about it, when he turns in, when he's not Jack Frost, he's just regular Frost, I don't know. Or Jack. Jack, Jackson.

Jack, he kind of looks like David Miscavage. He does, actually. Looks very much like David Miscayvich. I would have preferred the electric chair or the ripping apart of limb from Lair. probably what you want. But it warms his heart and then it melts these people and that's kind of... Let me tell you about the melting for a hot

second. This is some of the cheapest shit. Oh, sure. Oh my God. How... Listen, Disney. Last time I checked, you're Disney. Let's put some special effects into this. It's like this superimposed white

mask. It looks like when the three stooges would get hit with cream pies. It's this disgusting thing and judge Reinhold and the other woman like leap out of it and it's like terribly animated I mean my god maybe that mask stays on judge Reinhold and he becomes the Myers boy oh I love me judge right hold is the shape judge Reinhold could play a serial killer at something let's figure that out yeah he's still he's still around the end of this movie is is my least favorite kind of credit sequence which is the gag real and it's unerned it's so unheard because I didn't

laugh once in the movie. I kind of don't like gag reels at all. I don't like gag reels either. And then, oh my God. And you're just like, oh, hey, you know all those jokes that weren't funny? What if they didn't land? Well, the best part of the gag reel, it's the scene. So it's a scene that he's in the door with Wendy Cruson. And like, he's supposed to be saying like, Frost turned the North Pole into a theme park. But Wendy Cruzen can't keep it together because it's so funny to be around Tim Allen. And like he snaps at her. In this guy, in the middle of the gang, really just goes, is there something huge? Is there something amusing about the way I'm acting right now? And like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Tim. That's real Tim Allen. They had to go back to the trailers. Yeah. Nancy Travis has heard that line a few fucking times.

Everybody had to cool off. We kind of lost the threat of Alan Arkin and the, uh, and the, uh, and Margaret. Yeah. And Margaret. Uh, they find out that he's Santa Claus. Right. He comes out. He comes out.

Wait, I did what in that movie? Recall it. We got to cut that out. And Alan Arkin is like losing his mind about how great it is that he's related to Santa Claus. Why would this old Jewish man care that he's related to Santa? He was about to disavowal this whole family. Yeah. Yeah, that John Cassavetti's fight scene.

He's been shut out for like a decade. Oh, great. My kid's Santa Claus. Fantastic. There's this whole thing He's like, I'm father-in-law's Christmas. So you're saying this is

Canada. Are you sure it isn't called Waco? Oh, man, Santa Claus lives at the branch Davidian compound. Oh, man. And Alan Arkin, like, he's got to get out of here.

I got to get out of here. I'm just going to start a small fire so that the ATF knows to come in and help us. No, it's going to be controlled. I'm going to be right here with the fire extinguisher. Oh,

Oh, no. Oh, no, it's good. I didn't know that these elves were making flammable toys. And you've got to trust the government. You've got to trust them. They're going to come in. They're going to cut it. They're going to get us. Don't worry, Anne. Who knew Senate? All these oily rags. Oh, oh, thank God. The ATF is here. Come, help, help. Oh, now you're shooting at us. Wait, I got holes in my body. What's this? Bleeding to death over here? That would be a much better ending to the same. Mata Clause. Talk about the escape clause. And Hamel went all of us. Oh, this is blood? This is my blood?

I'm dead. I'm dying. This I would all like much more than Buddy Clause. Oh man, the baby's name is Buddy. Named after Alan Arkin for some reason. Where is the North Pole in relation to the fortress of solitude? Are we talking like next to each other? Same postal code. Okay. Yeah.

I thought you had to like move through a portal to get into the, the, the, the, the, the, the solitude. Yeah, but they still get male mix-ups. Yeah, sure. You can walk there. You walk to a diner afterwards. I mean,

Bermuda Triangle is also getting a lot of letters that are going there. All these mystical places. Amelia Earhart's on the council. She's dropping off the mail. I'm bleeding to death. Where's Superman?

I thought Superman would be here. No, actually, he gave up his powers to fuck for a little while. That happens every so often. That's right. That's right. My blood? you're not enough Michael Dorn

in this movie not nearly enough not at all like if you have to have all these stupid side characters well that's the thing I mean it should be about the council it's a kind of in

it's a bad concept but it's a concept you have all these like B list celebrities in it you know just speaking to B list and those outtakes I just realized

my most uncomfortable one is this fucking dude goddamn Eddie Lebeck playing the Easter Bunny is like saying gross shit to Anne Margaret. It's really uncomfortable. In front of all these children. And she fucking goes

like she breaks the take and she goes dude you're creeping me out or something like that. And then you hear one of the kids go, dude you're creeping me out. Oh my God. Hey Ann Margaret, I like a red hair. It's like what are you talking about? I want to eat my carrot.

You see I missed all this because I turned this off as soon as I passed as good. The second it ended. Oh buddy claws got it. That actually was the last thing We're gonna call you butt I thought it was bud Until I looked at the cast list

And saw the baby's name was buddy Oh that baby got credited huh? Yes Or I think it was twins And oh that's how they gotta do it That's how they gotta do it Oh man Tim Allen's twins actually Nobody knows that it's Tim

And Glenn Allen Because Tim is such a bad actor You do at least two of them on set At any given time Because look at cranky You'll have to go to sleep And, uh, Glenn is like, uh, you know, he's, uh, frou, frou. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. He's a, he's a, he's a, he's an S.J. W. He's there. That, no, that would be some. You know, I would want this movie. Yeah, exactly. Tim Allen, two parts fighting with each other. Oh, like a, like that Adam Sandler movie.

Tim Allen for two hours for anything. No. I'm out. Man, that's a, that's a good thing not to do right this minute. Uh, but. the longest Tim Allen movie Wonder what it could be Probably Toy Story 3

Yeah that's true That was a long one Yeah but I'm talking Toy Stories Cam Allen That's like yeah That's like yeah I mean he's good Where you just gotta watch

This asshole on the screen Uh No one's recommending this right No The first one's bad But the first one at least Has enough nostalgia I mean I guess like if you're

You might have nostalgia Towards this movie But like it's really wretched And if you're 15 years old You watch this When it came out when you were a kid. Yeah, it's not very good, no. It sank this

franchise. There's no same clause for. Thank God for that. Thank God for that indeed. Thank Christ for that on this special day when he was born. It's Christmas, not holiday Christmas time. You got to put that on a fucking coffee cup. It's a hard Christ.

Look, I'm telling you. Christmas. Just have a plain red cup, the little, tiniest font you can have Christ on the bottom of the cup. They'll be fine. They won't say another thing He's a baby now He'll be torched to death soon

Well the good news is after January 20th We won't be able to make any of these jokes So he might as well get him in now That's true Get him in now That's right I'm done Illegal

What you are doing is illegal Hey this was a question I asked of myself While we were chatting this evening Who is better Or should I say Whose movies would you rather watch more of Tim Allen

Or Larry the Cable guy Tim Allen. Ooh, I'd go Larry. No, I mean, are we excluding toy stories? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, so Tim Allen movies and not like Larry the cable guy in those shitty cars movies. Okay, I can't think of many Tim Allen movies. There's the shaggy, shaggy dog, big trouble.

Joe somebody. I turned that one off. That's, you know what? Christmas with the cranks. No. Didn't you have some Jonathan Taylor Thomas project? Wait, that was home. That was home.

That was home. I'm sorry. Jungle to jungle. Maybe that's what I'm thinking. Did he have a sitcom that nobody watches, but everybody watches? Oh, yeah, Last Man Standing. Was there a sitcom in between home improvement and Last Man Standing? I believe there was, wasn't there?

Was there something else? A little something that got canceled? Maybe. Maybe he was on the shark for an episode. The James Wood's lawyer show. I'm saying Larry. I'm saying Larry. I kind of almost.

No, I mean, Tim Allen's a better actor. You have to give it. Yeah, and he's like a regular person. Larry is a cartoon character, so maybe his antics are more a pleasing on screen. I could, this is a tough decision. I know, man. It's really hard. I think I'm going Larry.

Right? I think it's Larry. I never thought I'd defend Tim Allen in a room full of my friends. I never thought I defend Larry the cable guy. You know, we haven't had a good hashtag going for a while. You know, because this is split in the room right now. Yeah. Tweet Team Larry or hashtag Team Tim.

Yeah. And we'll see what happens out there in Twitterland. I'm really curious about this. Because here's, I guess, my two focal points. I would rather watch Jingle all the way two again than Santa Claus 3, the Escape Clause again. I agree, but I would rather watch Santa Claus 1 or even Santa Claus 2 with fascist Santa Claus. Yeah, I would rather watch... With alt-right Santa Claus Toy.

I'd rather watch a Tim Allen movie than witless protection. Yeah. I mean, Halpin's Red Belt, that's something. That's a movie. You don't get to count. Yes, you do. He's in the movie.

He's got three fucking scenes. Wait a second. Name a fucking movie that, a good movie, that Larry the Cable guy is in for three scenes. Wait, Larry the Cable guy's in Red Bell? No, Tim Allen. Tim Allen is in Red Belt for like three scenes. Is he playing Tim Allen though?

No, he's playing Tim Allen. It's like he's manager or something. Well, I didn't know if it was like they went to a fight and Tim Allen was there gambling. He was a rich asshole. I think there was awesome. I think there was Oscar buzz for Tim Allen for that movie. Not buzz, not real buzz. Maybe that's one guy on the corner of your street said that.

Oh, no, I'm sorry. That was Zachary. Hey, Steve, going to work. Tim Allen's got some Oscar buzz with that Red Belt. That's really good. I bought Coke. It's a good movie, Steve. I bought Coke from Zachary Ty Bryant.

He said that Tim Allen is really good in Red Belt. His greatest performance is when he gets hit in the cock with a harpoon gun and carry two. Yeah. That's pretty great. He also the one who was in that future lawyer's show that we, I've never been able to find the actual title. No. Team, all right, no, we're getting off track. It's Team Larry or Team Tim.

And I just remembered the greatest Tim Allen performance of all time where he's playing Tim Allen is there was some like news interview. It was after one of those famous like Mike Tyson knocked somebody out in 15 seconds kind of a thing. Sure. And he's coming out of the like MGM grand ballroom or whatever the shit it is. and they're like, hey, Tim Allen, what did you think of the fight? And he was clearly, like, lost money and he was so pissed. He just goes, what fight? And walked away from them.

Nice. He had a bad night. Gonna go make out with David Mamet, and then we'll talk about this later. I'd watch that. That's Santa Claus 3, the Escape Clause, directed by series director, Michael Lembeck. If you want more, we hate movies, check out WHMpodcast.com. Like us on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter.

We are at WHM podcast. and right into the mailbag. We all hate movies at gmail.com. Rate and review the show wherever you get it. We would greatly appreciate it. Still time to get some gifts. Go to our website, man. Click on that shop button.

Get yourself over to our T-Public store. Pick up some W.HM merch for your friends and family. And if you're in the giving mood, Patreon. That's right. Give back. Patreon.com slash we hate movies. We did an animation damnation on Christmas comes to Pac-Land. Oh, that was a weird.

And that is the Pac-Man in the world of Pac-Men. Pac-Men, yes. Yeah, because, you know, you say Pac-Land, you know, I don't know what that. Someone's like, I don't know what that is. Is that something out there in the Middle East? Dumb Team Larry. Yeah, exactly. Like, Andrew and Chris, they're like Team Larry.

Fucking hashtag Team Larry. I don't know why we're at war with Pac-Land, but they've been asking for that, I bet. So next week, we are off for the holidays, but please, enjoy WHM live at the Hollywood Improv talking Batman and Robin. A quick liner note about this. We won't have a bump brought or we're just going to play you the episode. Sure, sure. At the end of Batman and Rob.

Oh, this was great. Here we go. I just need to clear the air here because you're going to hear it's like, oh, this show went great. Everyone's laughing. Everyone's having a good time. And then something happens. It goes dead silent. Totally.

There's a horror going through the room. Because I take, we're done with the episode. You know, this is the second of two. sold out shows, by the way. So we've been talking for like three hours. I'm as high as I've ever been on like, you're a good person, Stephen Sadek. And then I take a glass of water

when Andrew starts reading a user comment or something. Right, yeah. And it just goes down the wrong pipe and I throw up practically on the front row. And the LA Improv, the stage and the audience are very close. So what Steve is describing is him spitting on everyone at the show. Yeah, spit on everyone in the front row. front row.

Spit a whole mouthful of water on a nice couple that were just sitting there, having a nice time. I can spit on people, Mark. I play the Hollywood improv every time, Mark. They got to, they're in the splash. So now, say that. If you come to one of our live shows, we may spin on you. Yeah. It's like a G.

It's like a G.G. Allen show. It's fucking punk rock podcast. That's just the way it is. You don't like it. Go to one of your fucking corporate podcasts down the street. There are plenty of them. this is DIY so you know be forewarned that's what that is otherwise it was a great show it was fantastic so until the new year i'm andrew jupin steven chris gabin erics liska

happy new year and happy holidays