We Hate Movies - S7 Ep281: Episode 281 - Batman & Robin: Live! at the Hollywood Improv

Episode Date: December 27, 2016

On the year-end episode of WHM, the guys are releasing their second of two shows—the first being Suburban Commando, released a few weeks back—recorded live in front of a sold out room, it's Batman & Robin: Live! at the Hollywood Improv! What was Mr. Freeze's endgame with that rocket? Was anyone surprised by all the penises and butts and nipples? And how doesn't Bane instantly commit suicide upon peering at his ghastly visage for the first time? PLUS: Steve spits all over the audience! Batman & Robin stars Arnold Schwarzenegger, George Clooney, Chris O'Donnell, Uma Thurman, Alicia Silverstone, Michael Gough, and Pat Hingle; directed by Joel Schumacher.Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Thank you. My name is Frieze. Learn it well. What's the chilling sound of your doom? This is the way the world could end. Please. She'll some worship. With ice.

With a kiss. With Benin. I probably should have mentioned this. I'm... Poison. Poison Ivy. And the only man who can stop them. I freeze.

I'm Batman. Can't do it alone. Batman will watch his beloved Gotham perish. Undlove boys, there's a storm coming. Kill the heroes. The hockey team from hell Pottie Arnold Schwarzenegger

All right, everyone, chill George Clooney Julian of the marrying kind I know you've had your wild nights Didn't they? Wild doesn't quite cover him I'm so Donald I want a car

Jigs dig the car this is why Superman works alone You have been So many people to kill So little time Alicia Silverstone And you are Back girl

That's not awfully PC What about that person Found the Batcave That's what we are I guess we're just have to kill her Yep You're Joel Schumacherville Strength

And courage Partners Honor, partners And loyalty Partners It all comes together We're going to need A bigger cave

Batman and Robin All right. All right, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, we hate movies! How are you? How are you? I'm fine. How are you? Why did you guys come back?

Why? Why'd you do it to yourselves? Los Angeles, how are we doing this evening? Yeah We are We Hate Movies from New York City I'm Andrew Jupin Chris Cabin Steven Say that

Eric Cisco Now What was it Oh no They're back Yeah Yeah yeah All right it's starting

That is the late show By the way So get ready But really quickly How many of y'all are familiar With the little show we run on the internet Okay. How many of you, I won't single these folks out,

but if you are here not knowing what's going on, maybe if this is an awkward first date, maybe if her friend tricked you. Yeah, science. Oh, well, this is a comedy show where we take a bad movie selection and kind of just make fun of it for a little bit. We have a little bit of fun with cheesy movies.

Yeah, we just like watching cheesy movies. That's so fun. That's so fun. This evening selection is, of course, Batman and Robin from the great year in 1997. A movie we've been on our fucking high

horse about for a long time. You've got to eat a little bit of shit at the beginning of this thing because we're like, we're never going to talk about that, you fucking losers. Oh, it's when done. Yeah. A million years. Not a million years when I do that.

Eat your shit sandwich, Chris. Thank you. Eat it up. Yeah, you know, never say never, guys, right? So here we are. Now, how many of you guys have seen the movie we're about to talk about? Poor souls.

Poor, poor, poor souls. Now, how many of you guys caught this in the summer of 1997? In the theater. Yeah. Yeah, we all got duped, didn't we? Can I tell a personal story at the beginning of this? Always. Oh, right ahead.

I was almost killed Great Adventure. You almost killed what now? Six Flags Great Adventure. So if you guys don't know, it's a stupid themes park in New York. In New Jersey. Oh, it's the Jersey one, right? On Batman and Robin The Ride. Oh, really?

Batman and Robin The Chilla. Stop. Now, this is the roller coaster that they repaint like every eight-year. to a different superhero thing? At the time, there was two different roller coasters. One was the Batman, and one was the Robin. I was on the Robin, and the Robin shoots off. Big mistake, by the way.

Sorry, first of all, why are you going with the B-Team roller coaster? Someone in the back just stifled up, Robin's better. That fucking fat idiot, Robin's better. More complex character than Batman ever will be. There's been more than one Robin. First of all, it's Nightwing.

No. It was robin. Get your fucking back straight, you idiots. Twitter. The dude that was on bath salts forgot to lock me in. He was busy eating face. Yeah.

And he's just like, yeah, you're cool. And I'm like, oh no, I'm not. And this thing, the point of this roller coaster is it started exceptionally fast. Like, it's not like one of the climb up ones. It's like shot. So I had to scream. Please!

Hold on. No, come back, come back! And he's like, wait, what? And I'm like, no, dude, I'm about to die on Batman and Robin the Chiller. And that movie sucked. I'm glad you made it out. That's quite an odyssey, went through.

Yeah, hell yeah, man. Did you get any kind of refund for that, or? Refund. I don't know. Did you pay for your admission in fucking Pepsi points? I don't know what they do there? Has death been haunting you ever since? Oh, that's a great question.

You were on Final Death. destination the ride. Well, everybody sees Tony Todd right there, right? Or is that just me? Oh, that might be a stay tuned. Any number of them. Any one of them. Any single one of them. So this is the follow-up to Batman forever, right?

Yes. Yeah, the follow-up. Two years after the fact, this is like, people will defend this movie as like, well, they're just having fun. No, they're not. No one's having fun. Look, they might be having fun. I'm not having any fucking. fun.

There's literally one person in on the joke in this movie and it's Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnold Schwarzenegger is the only one who gets it. He's the only one that received the letter from Joel Schumacher that stated, listen,

we're just fucking around. Boy, we got him good. Did you see the paycheck we sent you? We don't care. He had an acting coach for this movie. At the end of the movie

and the special credits, like the special credits? The regular credits. What are special credits? Well, Tony Todd brings him to your house No, uh... Candyman Oh, that's scary.

Uh, no, but it was just, you know, assistant to Mr. So-and-so, assistant to this guy, assistant to Alicia Silverstone, sure. Uh... You just call her Lisa Silverstone? Drug dealer, drug dealer. What? She just called her Lisa Silverstone? Alicia Silverstone. I apologize.

Oh, I thought I heard Lisa Silverstone. I apologize to the estate of Alicia Silverstone. Now, she's alive. Yeah, she's doing good. Yeah, she's okay. Do not worry about Alicia's only story. You'll be fine.

Speaking to Tony Todd. But... Tony Todd just had something go off in his head like, they need me. No, it's acting coach to Arnold Schwarzenegger, like Klaus von Bueller, or something like that.

Man, imagine. It was Klaus von Bulow. That'd be pretty cool. Go to sleep, Arnold. So, like, Arnold, like, was so worried about this movie. He needed, like, a special preparation, I guess? In what way? I mean, that's just, that's a dude who brought him weed.

Okay. And so, how are you coaching this movie? Are we positive if it wasn't PCP? Oh, that could be. That seems more this. Well, he's got all that, like, the face paint on that, you know, it's kind of like in Goldfinger when he puts it all on and it kills the woman.

Or is that from the drugs? Is it like crocodile? Oh, crocodile. Yeah, that could be. I need my crocodile. I cannot perform without it. Oh, maybe he was like injecting himself with an antifreeze.

Maybe that was a thing. Really getting into it, huh? Or he was, you know, he's auditioning for the Blue Man group right after that, you know? Oh, that could be. So that would be drum coach, though. I mean, it's 1997.

I was pretty sure he was getting ready to go to a rave. This whole movie is kind of a rave. It's one big rave. It should have been called Batman and Robin, colon, one big rave. I'd be fine with it. It'd be truthful to the movie itself.

Ooh, the rave reviews are in. They're bad. It's got a rave. Oh, they're raving about how terrible it is. Yeah, everyone was just not in on this movie, right? That was the thing. It was like, oh, it's going to come out, and it'll be just like Batman Forever, kind of?

Kind of, yeah. I guess, you know, with like, you know, Jules Schumacher behind the helm, there's a lot of, like, nude statues and fucking dicks everywhere, you know. Which is fine. Like, bring on the cocks, dude. Actually, that's what it should have been. Batman and Robin,

colon, dicks, buns, and boobs. It's... It's kind of, like, a pornographic like, hide things for, highlights for kids. Like, where you circle stuff? You can see a dick in, like, almost every shot. I think that's true. that section

of the highlights magazine is called Spot the Cock Yes Mom I can't find the chicken anywhere Get away from that Yeah because Burton left this one He produced Batman forever So that's got like an air of like I don't know something

It's got a whiff of Burton Is what it's got And then Joel Schumacher's like Oh finally the parents aren't home Yes Let's really ruin this It's like the popular kid house party that fucking burns the garage down

what this movie is this is so I guess Val Kilmer said no yeah yeah he was like that was enough he was on vacation he wouldn't be found so you know bringing up-and-comer George Clooney TV's George Clooney at that point yeah I was like oh look Booker from Roseanne Booker from Roseanne Booker Booker Booker oh yeah he worked with Roseanne at the plant or some shit I don't remember they recast them after Revenge of the Nerves

And George Clooney as Booger Nerds in love Oh, I'd see that shit I watch it every day Booker was always the best looking nerd anyway So you get, you know Well I mean you had Anthony Edwards He was a handsome fella

He was a Carradine Yeah, he's a lesser Caradine For sure A lesser Caradine beats a booger Like Revenge of the Nerds Playing Cards So we have have a new Batmobile that looks terrible, right? This is like a cheap toy, your deadbeat dad buys you for Christmas.

Because you're like, oh, it kind of looks like the Batmobile, but this box has Chinese writing all over it. Well, because the structure itself looks like a Batmobile, and then there's like a cat toy flipping around in the whole of it. You're right, dude. Batman has to keep changing out those double D batteries in that fucking thing. No, that's Alfred's job. Oh, yeah, you're right.

Get the fuck on it. Oh, Master Wayne, the cat toy is dead again. Wake up and fix it. Wake up and fix it. Beautiful. But it's got no top either, so he's just driving around

like it's a motorcycle without a fucking grill. Bucks in his face. He's getting all the time some mosquitoes in his teeth. Absolutely. Oh, he's got to have some sort of bat mask for that, huh?

Like a driving? Right on the mouth, no. Nothing? Nothing. All right. Gross. Why would you not have a top on the Batmobile? They've literally had a top in every Batmobile since the fucking 40s. Like, that's how I'm revolutionizing Batman. I'm taking the top off the car.

Did you see the cat toy? It's good. His cat toy looks pretty sharp. Did I just, did I? Yeah, I'm sorry, I stole that right out before. No, I apologize. The weird thing is, like, President for Life Commissioner Gordon calls him up. Like, this guy, I don't know what he's dressed for.

He looks like fucking. MoMar Gaddafi, dude. It's like this whole outfit. He's got like five stars on his shoulders, all sorts of commendations down the side. Four fucking what? We'll never know. Nope.

Like, what are these awards for? What are you doing? Well, this one's for when I called Batman. That one's for when I also called Batman. This is the time I called Batman twice because he didn't pick up the first time. It was a persistence award. Pat Hengel was a weak commissioner, Gordon.

We can all admit. He was a fine character actor, but he was just blubbering the whole time. No, Batman. Batman, there's a villain, and his name is Mr. Frost, and I'm going to get me out of here. Oh, man, he just had a breakdown. I like Mr. Freeze, by the way,

because his criminal moniker is just his name. Yeah. He just changed the spelling, like a professional rassler. And he loses the doctor title that he worked so hard for. Listen, like, he's at the end of his rope. He's decided to become a supervillain.

That doctorate means nothing, dude. Well, they probably, like, disbarred him or whatever it is, right? Oh, big time. Like, crooked science. Mel practice. Yeah. Once you need an air conditioner to keep you alive, they're like, you're no longer a doctor.

Which is wrong. I'm against... Show me the law to change that, and I'll sign it. But that's the rule, man. Oh, they're taking my doctorate away. I have to take this off the shelf. Put it away.

I'm disabled. Yeah, that's discrimination. It is. He needs... I mean, it's practically like a popcorn machine he has to wear just to stay alive. He should... He should get disability checks.

If anything. This doorway is too narrow. I can't fit through it. I need this suit to live. I'm sorry. I'm ruining the movie. My lights are keeping you awake. How on earth is he walking upstairs in this mech suit, by the way?

He's way too limber for this shit. Well, that's why he builds rockets for himself, so he can get to the top of a building. And that's what I have to, speaking of the rocket, that's what I have to give this movie. We start right away with the Batmaning situation. Sure. There's not any kind of fucking around.

There's no, like, flashback. Watching those parents die again. Again. Right. That doesn't happen. Wait, this is the only Batman movie I've ever seen. Did his parents die? I feel so bad. I didn't know he was an orphan. I just thought that nice old man was his grandfather.

They have names. It's Martha Wayne. Yeah. And Dad Wayne. Yeah, I'm Dad Wayne. Hey, Dad Wayne. Nice to meet you. By this parent-teacher conference. Sure, I don't look or sound like a billionaire, but I'm here to save this city. Still, I own everything.

See, that's what we were talking about earlier this evening, right? Batman's like, oh, I'm going to clean up these streets by being Batman. Is that the other thing? Donate that fortune, motherfucker. Clean up those. It's like, you could just give it all away, and then it's fixed. That's all? You know, whatever money you're going to spend on this year's new Batmobile

and this year's new nipple suit, maybe donate that. Like, Commissioner Gordon's just got to be like, Jesus Christ, you're another outfit. How vain could you be? Looks like someone's on the take, and for once it's not one of my police officers. You know, they're all fucking crooked. Oh, yeah.

Boy, your ass looks good. Ass looks very good. How much did you spend on that ass, bat man? There's never the scene where he's like, hi, this is my 20-year-old boy sidekick, and... Well, okay. Sure.

What's that all about? Did you see this? You know what? As long as Batman gets the job done, I don't care what he does in the bedroom. So long as he's happy. Look the other way, boys. Look the other way.

I don't have to like it, but he saves my behind. As long as I get another medal of freedom. Decorated, Commissioner Gordon, you stupid prop department. So he's like, oh, you know, Mr. Freeze is robbing a diamond mine because apparently his suit is powered by diamond. Yeah, what the hell?

Sure. Yeah, okay. That's, you know, sure, diamonds. You know what, Steve? It's got to be powered by something. So he, uh, this is, he's got, like, a hockey team, which, like, Robbins calls a hockey team from hell. Like, he's Dennis Miller. Uh, that was a Richard Lewis joke.

Oh, oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah. Same thing, though. Yeah, same difference. You know, they were both bemulleted from, you know, 81 to 96. Lewis is still doing it I think he was great So you know the intro of ice

I almost called them ice man Mr. Freeze is when we get all the ice puns Well he is the ice man coming Oh and that's just where it starts And the fucking ice pun douching Does not stop until the end What killed the dinosaurs, the ice age

Oh I'm going to join Isis Oh Oh no it's in the deserts Maybe I won't be radicalized It came for some good old-fashioned family fun And they were making fucking Ice's jokes

Oh, don't lose your head It's the late show Hotche, Matti, it's the late show I guess that's it You are so bad We told you was going to get a little blue Ice Blue but so like they're fighting

and Mr. Freeze is like my escape plan is to go to space not thought out well the cold of space yeah oh could he live up there does he live up there? No could he? I know he doesn't I don't know he lives in an abandoned ice cream factory

that much I know which they never thought to check out Commissioner Gordon were your fucking job I don't know Batman he could be anywhere Did you check the abandoned ice cream factory? You know, I can't do your job all the time. I'm sorry, I was forging my next medal.

But honestly, why does he even have this rocket he has? Like, is he planning on actually going to space and staying there? That's the thing. I don't know the end game here. And I don't think he does. So his wife is like in this fact-a-tank. Anyone who gets that reference. And he's using all of his resources to build rockets to the moon? Listen, prioritize this shit.

Yes, look into McGregor's syndrome or whatever it's called. McGregor syndrome, which has four stages, but the first one is fatal. So stage one, death, stage two, funeral? Stage three, mulch? Like, what are we talking about? Stage four, your family fighting over all your shit. Because he cures the first one.

Alfred, by the way, I'm sorry, guys, but Alfred's a little thick in this movie. Oh, man. You know why that is? It's so Michael Goe can just fucking lay down for most of this movie. This war man is run ragged by these movies. And it's revealed later in the movie

that Batman knows the whole time that Alfred is sick. You don't find out until, like, the middle of the movie. But, like, he's still got this guy dressed to the nines all the time, preparing his meals, tucking him in at night. Like, dude, let him. this old man rest.

At least wear a fucking sweatsuit. Yeah. Alfred, where's the ducks? You can take my cereal back and bring it when you're dressed properly. I can wait all day. You know what? The Riddler's burning down like nine buildings, but I haven't eaten yet. I'm sorry, Alfred, could you come in here?

It's Wayne Manor, not Wayne Trailer Park. I do imagine him doing the full Oh yeah Oh yeah Without question You probably gets monthly Performance reviews right Like it's just like

And now you got this Stott-nose piece of shit Running around your fucking place Calling you owl Man oh man The casual owl deliveries I don't think so Oh I don't think so

Chris O'Donnell's rotten right He's awful in this movie He's whining the whole time Kick's dig the car That's That's my impression. It's really mature. It's mature. It's accurate. And it's definitely exactly as attractive.

Oh, he's handsome, isn't he? Yeah. Handsomey eyes. Who's got the better nipple? Just real quick. They're not real. Wait, Steve or him or Batman and Rob? Steve or Chris O'Don. Oh, it's definitely Chris O'Don.

I think he takes his shirt off in The Bachelor, so we can do some research later. You guys remember The Bachelor? Nope. So Batman's going to space And he's like, how the fuck did this happen? Well, this is out of the ordinary, Robin? And, you know, basically the idea is it's going to explode in space And it's going to kill everyone in Gotham, sure.

But I don't understand that whole thing Because it's going into space. And Batman is like, if this thing gets into space and blows, Gotham's a crater. And you're like, how? He said, yeah, it would slaughter thousands. Thousands. So to get out of this situation, Batman decides to rig it with bombs.

What is that? And make it explode. And then take the door down as like a boogie board. He's surfing through the... I don't even fucking know, man. Mr. Freeze has like Boz-Lerman wings in this scene. Yeah, that was weird. He looks like the fucking Mothman prophecy.

These things shooting out of his stupid suit. By the way, Chris, you've got your Romeo plus Juliet shirt on there, which I like. I am fortune school! Nice. Nice. There's a really shitty moment in this, by the way, totally penis-shaped rocket that they're riding in.

Oh, you don't say. Where Robin, like, comes in to, like, save Batman, and Batman's, like, frozen to the wall or whatever. And he's so snotty to Robin. He's like, what are you doing here? Batman, Robin should be like, all right, fine, fuck it. See you later. Now I'm the savior of God.

because you're going to die in this cock rocket. Now, I'm just going to surf back to Earth. Yeah. Oh, he should have done that. Leave him there. What a twist that would be. And then he's Batman. Yeah.

It'd be like Marion Crane dying in Psycho. Like, now where's the movie going? And now Alfred's sick. But Alfred's the only one that could identify that he's not Batman? Oh, shit. So dude takes a pillow out. He's dying anyway. Hey, I made you some shoe with bleach in it.

Drink it up. Yes, Master Dick. also where's your tucks I'm not gonna murder you you were dressed properly that'll save on like getting him in the casket she's ready man

struck him in imagining having a degenerative bone disease or whatever that buttoning up a fucking cumberbun man that's messed up oh another rib popped master dick by the way what happens

to you with McGregor's syndrome. All your eyeballs fall out. Oh. I thought it was when you'd showed your dick in a lot of movies. Yes, I'm whipping it out, Master Wayne. Gross. I mean, like, Robin gets frozen,

and now there's a Robin puppet, which is fun looking. Oh, man, this was pulled right into a planet Hollywood after the shoot, huh? It's like Chris O'Donnell, but it's like these bug eyes. Like, it's so clearly the fakeest fucking thing. you've ever seen.

I know he's Batman, but he is hauling a hunk of ice with a robin inside. It's not just a hunk of ice, it's a hunk of ice with Robin. It's disgusting. And so, like, Mr. Freeze gets away. Like, that's our first encounter. That's our... That's our cold open, as it was.

Oh. I know. But what else are you going to call it? That's the only one they didn't use. That was on the cutting room floor. I fought for that line. I fought for it. You know, I will say this about what this opening Mr. Free's scheme is.

You know, superhero movies nowadays, we're always complaining about it on the show, right? We've got to destroy every fucking building in the world. We've got to, you know, just keep reimagining the 9-11 imagery and whatnot. This is just a good old-fashioned jewel heist. That's what I want. That's all it is. That's all, it's a real simple, I'm going to steal this big rock and there's nothing you can do about it. Here's a gang of hockey players.

Fucking figure it out, Batman. Yeah, but they go to space. So it's kind of like, it's like a B-minus at best. Yeah, and then we meet Poison Ivy in the Jungle. Pamela Isley figured that out, played by Uma Thurman, who is just chewing on the fucking walls in this movie. Oh, isn't she? Just munching, man.

Here's my question. Do you think she ever tracked down who tricked her into being in this movie? I'm really curious. Yes, they did. And they're in that unmarked grave that she was supposed to be in in Kill Bill. Oh, man. Wow! She did them in. This is for Pamela Isley.

I feel like Quint Tarantino explained the movie to her wrong, and she's like, that sounds good. Signed on. Oh, no, it's going to be a fucking amazing man. It's going to be dicks everywhere. Dix, dix, dix, dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix. Okay.

Do you think he's pleasured himself watching this movie? I think he's pleasured himself to a lot of movies. Seven Samurai, Casablanca. Most movies. And so she's working for John Glover in the rainforest or something yeah, John Glover, character

actor, he's great, he's some sort of mad scientist he's who I'd rather see as the villain of this movie. Absolutely. Also great. In Gremlins, too. Oh, right! Fuck yeah! Also great in Edna's dead mother.

One guy. First of all, the producer of the film right here everybody. I like how we talk about these movies like we're in them. Like, it's just like, you might know, A little movie called Grimlins, too. Big applause. I was three when it came out.

It was great. Thanks for applauding that we watched Grimlins too. The bar is so low, man. That's the late show. What are you going to do? So she basically, she kind of gets Catwoman murdered. You know what I mean? Like how pushed over and all this shit goes on.

And you realize, like, that is, it's a big pattern in the Batman universe, more so in this movie, but it's a lot of people just getting shoved into things. Yeah. shoved and falling into piles of things or pools of things. A lot of open vats in this world. Oh, my God, the vats. We even get a flashback of Mr. Frees going into the vat. Oh, no, I've been shoved.

He won't five. No, it's shoving, no. It's a gotham shoving. Chris O'Donnell falls into three different open vats in this movie. Three. My God, just fucking pay attention. You know what? Whoever's running for mayor was George Wallace in the last movie.

It should be some other great comedian, you know, And just be like, look, dude, we got to close the vats. That's step one. That's a campaign promise. That's a day one campaign promise. You can affect real change by closing some of the vats in compensation. Well, because then we'd stop making supervillains. Yes.

Well, you get rid of Killer Crock. Mr. Freeze. The Joker wouldn't have happened. Harley Quinn, when they do that stupid jump and suicide score. Jesus fucking mortal. So she comes back as Poison Ivy. And the problem with, like, both, like, Mr. Fries, I would say, is rooted in science, I guess. Is he?

Yeah. You know, he's, listen, he's rooted in enough science. But Poison Ivy's just magic. Like, it's straight up magic. She's magic. And, like, you know, George Clooney kind of has some lines about, like, oh, I found the security footage of him, and it turned as this to that, and who could care. Right? But, like, when she rises up from the ground, right?

And John Glover's like, what the fuck are you? You know, she's like, I'm Mother Nature, and I'm this. And I'm, like, you need scenes of her being like, I can do what? Like, Cat, are you like a plan? Michelle Pfeiffer's, like, walking around that lonely apartment, like, oh, these cats love me. Like, I need a scene of her figuring it out, you know? Michelle Fiver, As soon as Kyle is, you know, cry me a river, that apartment is great in that movie. Sure.

It's huge. It's huge. It smells like shit, though, all those cats. Yeah, that's true. You know, it's gross. It's one big, beautiful, expensive amongst. litter bucks. High rent to live in a real shit house like that.

But it looks okay. I mean, they don't even, when Uma Thurman goes, the earth literally eats her. Yep. And she's got a bunch of snakes on her for some reason. Why doesn't she like snake woman? Snake woman would have been cool. She gets like chemicals on her and then like

venoms and snakes and I guess all that makes her magic. Oh my. Or like it gets into bloodstream. But we don't hear any of that. She just like knows it instantly. It's a shot of Uma Thurman with a bunch of snakes on her fucking face. She's dressed like Tomb Raider for a little bit in this movie, right? And then she comes, and Bain is in this movie, by the way.

Everybody's favorite. Tom Hardy's in this movie, is great. Really amazing. Steve. No. Long Bain. Oh. This is the one that looks like a luchador.

Different pain. Oh, right. A luchador with leukemia. Oh! Yeah, no, you're totally right. He's got those green bags of health juice. Before John Glover dies, he straps Cancer Boy into the thing.

And he's having a meeting of the Ununited Nation. Yeah, I think that's right. It's like a naked gun, man. It's that, it's that cadre of supervillain nations. It is. They're there with their regalia, and I was expecting Detective Frank Drebin to stumble in.

Oh, he would bungle through this scene and save the day, sure. And, yeah, Bain's there. He's very stupid. He's got, if you look, he's got a dick right on his chest. Just right there. It's like a little penis, like, right here. It's like a horse's feeding bag.

It's just like... So he doesn't have to go far if he's bored. But also, let me explain this to you. So there's a penis there. And then his anger button is right here. So it's literally where the balls are. So you punch him in the balls and he becomes Bain. Yeah.

I think he's always Bain, though. What's that? I think he's always Bain, you know. He's wearing the mask? Yeah, no, he doesn't get to come out. You know, he's working all the time, dude. It's actually, he's kind of just like Batman. You know, he can't sleep.

He's like this. When he's thin, he's played by the dude who was a sloth in seven. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. You know, nobody cares. They know that now, though. Yeah, so, you know, see you came tonight, you learned something. So she sees a beaker with Wayne Enterprise.

She's like, yeah, I'll be in the movie. So she flies to Gotham for whatever reason. And, like, Bruce Wayne is erecting, and I do use that word properly, an observatory on top of a beautiful man statue, yet again. Yep. It must take an hour to get up to this fucking observatory. Like, it's a 70-story statue and then an observatory on top of it. It's like climbing the Statue of Liberty, man.

He's got that fucking obnoxious spiral staircase you got to go up? He's, like, refurbishing it because people stopped using it because of a goddamn stairs. And this is, again, I'm talking priorities, okay? this city is in ruins. Right? What a shithole these people live in. Why don't we talk infrastructure? Why don't we talk about the homeless population?

Let's talk with the VATs first. Then we'll fix the fucking telescope. Yeah, exactly. But no, no, no, no. Billions of dollars to refurbish a fucking telescope. It's so Batman doesn't go out of business and Bruce Wayne knows it. That's what it is.

He's like, I can't stop doing this. If I just give them money to give people jobs and roads, it's all over for Batman. Like late at night before Batman goes home for the day? Is he going around taking those lids off the vats? Yes, he is. And Gordon's like, but I don't get it, Batman.

I put him on and then in the morning they're gone again. Find our vat lid thief, Batman. Another star for me. And he's dating L. McPherson in this movie. Because she's acting in this movie. Yeah, because she's in this movie Two scenes Get anyone else

What happened to Chase Meridian? That's a great question Nicole Kidman from the last movie It looks like they were like ready for wedding bells Oh maybe she fell into a bat And she just burned into nothing Oh fuck yeah She melted

She actually didn't become She didn't survive it No she became the skeleton You got stage four McGregor's syndrome That's how you leap right to stage four. vat of acid. And, like, poison ivy starts bringing up all these points

about global warming and everyone's laughing at her. Oh, that's fake. Yeah, and she's like, oh, we need to, you know, she uses, like, a contract on recycled paper. They're like, stupid idiot. I think I'd laugh if I got a contract written on papyrus. Come on.

And, I mean, like, she kind of makes a vague threat, and that's fun, right? I guess so. She's also wearing a disguise, by the way, because this... For what? Nobody knows who she is? Yeah, nobody cares.

But if she shows up in the poison ivy outfit, everybody's gonna be like, oh, that's a fucking villain, right? Yeah. That's definitely a villain. They should just shoot these people on site.

You're dressed... All these lunatics that come up to Bruce Wayne? Oh, you think I'd get arrested right now? Anyone who's dressed too flamboyantly should be shot on site. They might be villains. Yeah, exactly. Two of you,

we're done on this stage. I know my shirt has a pig on it, but I'm cool. Oh, it's Pig Man! Bravo. So there's a charity. Oh, we can get into Bat Girl in this movie. Yeah, what the hell? Alicia Silverstone's

not good. She's not good, and there's no reason for Bat Girl to be in this movie? Just keep jamming characters down your fucking throat watching this. It's endless. It's endless. Alfred is a hundred years old He's got like a 19 year old niece My ass

And he looks, he goes up to He's like, oh, I remember your mother And it's like this picture of this 1930s Hollywood starlet Dude, I think it was a picture of the black dahlia It might have been It's outrageous When did she have this child?

Oh, here's a picture of my mom Right before she started working in talkies I can't believe you kept this photo Uncle Alfred? What the fuck are you talking about? Well, this is a nice before. Why couldn't it be like this is my, you know, my

great Uncle Alfred? Because you know what? It doesn't matter. Also, she should be Commissioner Gordon's daughter if we're following canon, but then like the idea of like Pat Hingle having sex was like, no. Do you think that's why they changed it? Joel Schumerk is like, they'll be throwing up.

They'll be throwing right up. But that would give me more things to do, Joe. I don't think so. By the way, she's in Gotham from Oxbridge University. That's like canon, though, isn't it? That's a real thing. In the universe, isn't it?

That's a fake college? I thought it was. It's a fake college. Yeah. Well, it's certainly a fucking fake college, but I thought it was like DCU fake college. Marlburd University. And so on and so forth.

And so, yeah, we can do that for an hour, but that's a... Pail? Pale, yeah. There's another one. We can just keep going, but we won't. So she's like, oh, hey, can I stay here for a while? And Bruce Wade's like, yeah, sure. Fucking Alfred.

What is the goddamn nursery? I suppose we have the room. It would be great. We have a second Butler's corner as you could stay in. Exactly. What if she was coming to, like, replace him? Like, Alfred's like, you're my only living relative. and these two idiots

can't live on their own come be their slave it's not so bad I get a carrot at Christmas can never wear sweatpants though there's a series throughout this movie where he's like browsing on Netscape

he is he is fucking slowly surfing the web trying to find his long lost butler brother Wilfred. What cast system is this? It's the butler cast. Yeah, okay, all right. Wilfred, Alfred Pennyworth.

Yeah, dude, that's a butler fucking family right there. And he's 70 as well, so he's like, oh, let's get some young blood in Wayne Manor. Time to liven up this place. And, yeah, I mean, like, that's his goal is to let somebody else know who Batman and Robin is, I guess, or are, I guess. Yeah, he's got to, like, pass on the info. Right, because there's a scene where he's actually burning CDs. Sure, yeah. He's got one of those, like, super expensive, like, metallic jewel cases

that were, like, $10 a pop. You remember those? That's when you wanted to, like, gift your girlfriend a mix CD. You gussy it up with a metallic mix case. I actually wrote the track list, handwritten on that. This made me think of you. I hope you like the smash. pumpkins as much as I

yeah they're in the end credits so we're at a charity ball Poison Ivy announces herself by dressing like a gorilla there's two gorillas one's Poison Ivy and the other one's Bain and they're both dancing together now this is what doesn't make any sense first of all of course it's a charity ball because fucking fuck you

Batman universe again and this is the other thing right this city is grumbling enough what the fucking charity auctions. Where is this money going? All it's going to happen is it's going to get robbed, first and foremost. Exactly right. It's ever a charity event gone well in Gotham.

Welcome to the annual. You're asking for it charity mall. Come on in, spend thousands of dollars, and then you guessed it, will be robbed. Yeah. And it's like, sick kids won't go to it. Like, no, no, no. It's for your benefit, it's like, I'm not fucking stupid, man. I'm not getting kidnapped by Two-Face.

I'm going to ride this McGregor's stage one out. I'll see if my cock starts popping out movies. I don't know. I'm willing to risk it. It's fucking murdered by the penguin and his fucking fish breath. And now we've got to be like CGI, like a pink smoke that represents love or some...

Poor shit. She designs like pheromones to make her sexy or something. But they're, like, kind of alive on their own, though, because it's like, go get Batman. And then, like, it gets into his nose, and he gets a boner. Yeah, dude. Those nipples just

go, and he's, like, ready to rock. But it also kills all sense of, like, reason and logic, like, if that happened and you were there, and then you're like, are you dressed you? What's going on here? I want to fuck that guerrilla. What? And what also?

makes no sense. So they're having an, it's an auction block, we're just like auctioning women, great. I mean, we're just waiting for fucking Mr. Freeze to show up, really. And so then, like, Poison Ivy crashes this thing, and the logic goes out the window, because all of a sudden, like, the rest of the people, like,

the help for this whole thing, the people who are dressed in, like, mildly offensive costumes, you know, some iffy, racial things are happening in this movie. They're all like in on this choreography. out of nowhere like did poison ivy call these people how do they know to like she jumps down on a thing they all catch

her like what the fuck's happening they kept doing takes and schumacher's like no bigger no bigger bigger bigger bigger well he wore a t-shirt that just said bigger on it and he would point to it anytime anyone acted hey Arnold

you know what I'm going to say right now yes Joel I know get me my acting coach with my bomb. You keep saying bigger. I keep working out. I don't know what to do. He bursts in and he starts freezing. This is when Arnold gets lazy with the puns. He just goes

chill. Chill. Chill. It's like he's on repeat. I can't. Look, there's only so many ways I can do this. I've got to repeat something sometime.

This is also where Batman, like, reveals that he's Bruce Wayne in this movie, too, because the auction's happening... You go, Harvey, I'm Batman! No, he's... Because, like, all of a sudden, all these dudes that have been bidding on all these other women are just like, well, I'll give him

$10,000 to pour the Navvy! And they're all, like, fucking wolf drooling and whistling and whatever. And then Batman's just, like, $1 million. And it's like, well, that guy's fucking Bruce Wayne, right there. Yes. And then Robin's, like, $2 million. and Batman goes

You don't have it Robin goes I'll borrow it from you And he's like Well that other fucker Is Dick Grayson Right there Holy shit

It's Bruce Wayne And fucking Dick Grayson Or Batman and Robin My God in heaven We finally Fucking solved it And this exchange goes on until

Batman offers 7 million And pulls out his What is it A credit card A bat card Or whatever It's a fucking

Bookmark You'd buy it Walden Books Man Oh Guaranteed That came With like

the novelization or something. So you can keep your progress reading that terrible book. So, whatever. There's another Mr. Freeze chase. I think is this when he gets arrested? Yeah, they capture him here. In the middle of the movie. Yeah, they're driving down a big man. And then, like, Batman decides to kill Robin.

Because they're about to make this big jump. He's like, no, you can't. I'm going to turn your engine off. That's attempted murder, brother. He almost dies. These wheels lock up, he fucking falls off the motorcycle. Like, they're riding down a huge statue? That's reckless. He's on the smallest digit.

He's done for. So, Mr. Freeze goes to Arkham, and we finally get a cameo. Oh, come on. I've been waiting. Arnold's best friend, Jesse Ventura. It's a security guard. Hello? Oh, hey, Arnie.

You want me to come to what? Oh, man, yeah. Here comes the big show. I'm finally at the big show. This is it, Jesse. Put that gubernatorial campaign inside. You're finally going to be in a fucking Batman movie. The idea that Mr. Freeze and Mr. Freeze's Gotham Guard

both became governors after this. This country is fuck. You remember Donald Trump's cameo in Home Alone, too? Or the Little Rascals? Or the Dead Don't Dance? What's that movie? What Ghost Can't Do It? Oh, Ghost Can't Do It.

Yeah, he's all over that movie, too. Just saying. But, yeah, so, Mr. Freeze is, they made a special cell in a day that has, like, a freeze ray in the middle of it. It's just a big air conditioner. It's not a freeze ray. And Jesse Ventura's, like, shit in there, freeze-face, Hey, Arnold, did I do good?

Arnold, was that, when I said Free Space, was that okay? Oh, they're setting me up to be the villain in the next movie. I'm going to be the cameo. No one ever suspects the cameo. When you're used to

expect it. Oh, you know, I was, hey Ma, today I was, the calendar man was giving me shit at Arkham Asylum. When was Columbus Day? Was it September? I think he was pulling my leg. And my, the Eggman kept chucking

eggs in the evening. I fucking beat him within an inch of his life. I'm an Arkham security guard. I started crying a little bit. I cracked his shell really good. And the Ridler just threw cum at me like in silence of the

lamb. He keeps slinging it and I keep dodging it. And I'm like, what fucking riddle is that, man? That's not clever at all Dude, you never think you're missing Jim Carrey, by the way Oh, yeah Holy shit

The capable hands of Arnold Schwarzenegger But did we bring up the fact that they bring him to Arkham Asylum and the refrigerator? Oh yeah, he's totally just stuck in a refrigerator Like Punky Brewster's friend in that one episode Oh, no! Well, that poor little girl got trapped in a junkyard Dude, that girl had mantle problems after that, right?

Guaranteed. No tight spaces. No tight spaces. It's a real close call for that girl. And then I guess Poison Ivy breaks him out because she's like interested in him because she's like, well, that's what the fucking movie's about. Like, you know what?

I'm not going to explain it to you. It's a Batman movie. We're going to be loosely threaded together, whatever. We're definitely not going to fight Batman, but we're going to talk. Me and him, we're going to talk. It's like her best Norma Desmond voice. She's like, say, the movie's over there. there.

Because she is just using this like mid-Atlantic accent, like she's in a fucking 1930s gangster movie. I'll never get it, man. What the fuck is she doing in this movie? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. And then like, it takes like Arnold Schwarzenegger an hour to put this fucking mech suit back on.

And this is what's ridiculous. So Jesse the Body Ventura comes back with the other guy and he's like, oh, hey, freeze face, your sister's here to visit you. And the door opens and she's in the poison ivy costume and it's like that's a villain. It's a fucking super villain. An inmate got loose. Yeah. Oh, are you from another floor?

Oh no, you're Mr. Freeze's sister. Right this way. But also like, I don't know, fuck. This guy just got here. I don't think he has visiting privileges yet. No, he's under 24-hour surveillance. At the very least, they're definitely got like a car battery hooked up to his balls. They want information. About what? Where his fucking ice cream factory

is? Where was it? Freeze. Maybe it's that big diamond he's been looking for. I don't know. Listen, it's like you're going to ask any kind of question just to get some sort of super villain answers out of him. Your sister's here, you fucking idiot. He does, the most begrudging movie kiss I've ever seen in my life. To kill him, Uma Thurman kisses him on the mouth. Yikes.

Oh, man, this is my big moment. I'm going to make out with the lady from Pulp Fiction. Hey, you think I can get a cameo in Quentin's next movie? Put in a good word to QT for me. I'll hang out watch samurai movies and talk about conspiracy theories with it. Or whatever. Oh, mercy.

They break out or whatever. They do break out. They jump off this enormous cliff. Everybody should be dead. Everybody should be dead. And Bain jumps off with him. Well, so, like, Arnold Schwarzenegger takes her by the hand, and it's just like, here we go, tell Mr. Bain to follow us.

And they all just commit suicide. And I was like, wait, what? I mean, this is, like, 500 feet at fucking least, dude. And that's the only reason Bain does it. It's like, finally! If I saw the monster I became, dude, instant suicide, don't even worry about it. I'm done with it, man.

And after they break out, the movie stops dead so we can, have Robin and Batgirl go to like a motorcycle rally? This takes forever. Hosted by Culeo. Yes. Finally, a superhero movie he wasn't caught out of.

He was a daredevil, everybody. You come here for a lot of information and you're going to get it. Now, Steve, can you get those deleted scenes anywhere? You can on a director's cut. There you go, folks. Nice. Now you know where to find him. What are you looking for a...

applause for the Daredevil director's stuff? You're not going to get it. Oh, fuck. No. Stop it. Stop it. Don't encourage. Don't encourage. I don't think he says a single word in this movie, though, does he? He's just like the motorcycles are over there, man.

Or whatever. It took 38 takes to get that right. How was he not in Mr. Freeze's group? Like, he should have been like a henchman. Oh, that would have been great. Like, Julio is like the number two. Right. Who's named Frosty in this, actually?

The number two, yeah. That's pretty great. Fucking hilarious. Coolio, I should use that in the next movie. How does, like, he not pass by him? And Cooleo, like, does something that Arnold Schwarzenegger approves of, and then Arnold just goes,

Creole. Oh, you know, honestly, that gangster's paradise was a really moving song. We need to get out there and change some things. I'm running for the governor of California. Ironically, the only song more moving was Amish Paradise by

Master Song Smith, Vidal Ayankovic. So they have this motorcycle race and Nicky Cat... Nicky Cat's got like this fake mullet thing, character actor Nicky Cat this movie. I don't think that's his real voice. I think he got dubbed. Oh, you think he got dubbed? It doesn't sound like Nicky Cat.

You think it was Peter Serafanoet? Oh, maybe. Maybe. Oh, maybe it was Frank Welker. Hey, Welker, get in here and fix this cheesehead's voice. You're here anyway. Come on. You're here anyway? At this point... You're doing some bane growls. And they have this whole fight where she's like, look, you know, I do this stuff because my parents died.

I need adrenaline. I've been actually getting money to free Alfred from slavery. And Chris O'Donle's like, what? He likes it. Like, that's literally his response is, it's okay, he likes it. Well, look, dude, if you are staring your house of cards in the... the face and it's fucking getting ready to trouble his ball down you will say anything to keep this up he's not wanting to get his own cereal come on he hasn't toasted a piece of toast in like

15 years he's living good dude and you know here's the thing because bruce wayne's used to it his whole life right i mean he's born with the silver spoon his motherfucker was a carny and he is not going back but the thing is he's been pampered for so long yeah now when bruce wayne dies right and he's obviously not going to get anything, right? No, I don't think so. It's all going to some fucking charity ball that'll get robbed. Yeah, it's all going to the penguin. It's all going to.

It's all going directly to the penguin. You might as well cut out the middleman, Batman, and give the money to the penguin. But he doesn't know how to do laundry. He doesn't know how to feed himself or clothe himself. Nothing. Useless. Are they putting it on their own suits or is that a robot or what? It must take days to get into these costumes.

We see them at the beginning of the movie. put them on though because there's all these weird like rubbery sound effects happening like when the butt goes it's like brink yeah but was just like what the fuck was Alfred like a little bit off screen like there you go master dick

oh I'm getting a little old for this jump in I guess I'm going to have to weld you into this one yeah no they're getting welded in and cut out dude that's how tight these things are oh master Wayne you don't you don't like the old costume anymore again okay

I'll just stay up all night Knitting Rubber or something I mean it probably has fire involved or something yeah Forging rubber Oh yeah Yeah dude light the flame So they realize

Alfred's sick and he continues to work And it's not because he wants to It's because he's scared There's all these weird little ghost scenes Of like oh you know Him like picking up Master Wayne when he slips in the hallway or whatever the fuck happens? Why do he slip in the

hallway, Master Wayne? So I can pick your pampered fucking ass up off it. Isn't that right, you little shit here? God, I hate this child. I hate him so much. I mean, and then, like, I don't know,

well, there's another charity ball of some kind. Oh, it's a big, like, is it the opening of the telescope? That's a little bit after this. There's so many charity events in this movie. It's really hard to keep track. It's a packed social calendar, man. Bruce Wayne is so busy.

But at this point, they're trying to, they find out that Mr. Freezing Poison Ivy breakout. There's a big fight at the ice cream factory. Oh, right. Where, like, Commissioner Gordon is literally sitting on his duff. And at the end of this, he has the gall to go up to Batman and go,

you let them get away. That is when you punch this old man in the face. I've been doing your job for 20-odh years. Look at all those Momar Gaddafi medals on you. I could fucking end you old man. Oh, that would be great. Don't you tell me I screwed up.

You screwed him. He snaps like really quickly and just kills him. And then like Batman's looking around and he's like, oh no, the penguin. Did anyone see him escape? Look what he did. He puts like a bunch of penguin feathers on him and he's got him in the bat belt just in case.

That would be a great like, All-universe thing where Batman's just, like, made up all these villains. He's faking it all. Oh, yeah, man. That would be pretty cool. Just, like, you know, just messing up these crime scenes. Yeah. Fuck yeah, dude.

That's a dark night. You're so bad. But, okay, now, the villains get away in that scene because Batman and Robin are fighting over Uma Thurman. Oh, right. And, man, this, this, uh, robin, just yip-yaping about. Oh, she wants to kiss me. Me. It's all about who gets kissed.

It's like he's accusing him of cheating and spin the bottle or some shit. It's like the fucking city's at stake here. This is also the movie's fourth vat? Yeah, oh yeah, he falls in a vat of ice cream. A pistachio ice cream bagged in this scene. That is embarrassing. You are a superhero and you fell in a tub of ice cream. He gets shoved.

Pistachio, I think, right? Yeah. I mean, it looks delicious, but that's embarrassing. but the thing is like the sexual innuendo is really weird in this movie she'll be like oh yeah young man real beer I want to fucking suck that dick and I'm like

whoa whoa whoa and she's playing both sides because like she says that to Robin and it's like nobody needs this old geriatric bat right and then she'll go over to Batman and be like he's just a boy you're a man something about an anatomically correct

Batman suit and I'm like dude what the fuck that's I'm leaving I'm leaving. You get out, you make a big scene and get out of there, man. What was the other one? Oh, I can handle your rocks. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What are you even talking about? Screenplay. So then at this other charity event, Pamela Isley comes and seduces Commissioner Gordon. Oh, here's my big scene. We're filming a day. Now I get the kiss of him with her, man. And man, you know what's embarrassing?

She fucking kisses Desi Ventura in this movie, but not Pat Hinkle. That was in her contract. Because, like, Commissioner Gordon's like, well, here's the keys to the roof where you can get to the bat signal. Why don't we go up there? And she's like, I don't know. And then, like, he goes in for it, and she's going in for it, and you're like, no. And then, like, Ouma Thurman's like, oh. On second thought, nah.

Do you think they kissed and then the test audiences were vomiting? It might be. That might be. We got to do reshoots on Batman and Robin. People were puking in the theater and passing out.

Like the Blair Witch people are having heart attacks? She says something like, you know, I think you're too old for me or something like that. And he's like, no, I'm not. So then Bain like steals the bats signal, whatever. And she gets like a glass craftsman to make a Robin symbol in an hour. Hey, whatever, man. Whatever the fuck ever with this movie.

Oh, and at this point, Barbara Gordon is like... No, Barbara, whatever the fuck. Barbara Pennyworth is... She's given the Batman CD, he's like, give this to my uncle who I can't find. She's like, whatever, old man. So she like tries to crack it. And the password protection... Oh, my God, I love this. She's like, what's his password?

Is it his first name? Is it Bruce Wayne's last name? Is it England? He's got teeth. Is it teeth? Glasses? Old? Hair?

Dying? Dying? She tries England. I think eventually it winds up being peg, her fucking dead mother's name. And then... Cracked it. And it's all the Batman blueprints she goes down and he's like

well I knew this day would come so I made you a fetish outfit I hope you don't mind while you were sleeping I measured your nipples that's the only way it's the only way this fits culturally professional totally

professional I cast you and then I measured your body a good rubber tailor never reveals his secrets. You were asleep and I made a mold of your butt.

She should be like, you know what, man? I'm just going to wear a fucking trench coat. This is really disturbing. Speaking of trench coats, I wanted to mention earlier that Bain is dressed

like a ninja turtle. He's wearing a trench coat in the fedora like he's a ninja turtle going to 42nd 3 street Porto Theater. And that's his driver's uniform.

Yeah, that's him fitting in. there's somebody stuck in traffic next to that like fucking Gotham man we gotta move we've got to move are you seeing this are you fucking seeing this I'm not gonna give this guy the pleasure looking I'm not I'm not

the fucking luchador with tubes in the back of his head in a trench coat and a detective hat driving a fucking plant lady around we are moving to metropolis fucking sick and tired of this shit fucking garbage town with their fucking charity balls every week.

Oh, yeah, they'll be fine in Metropolis. No bane in Metropolis. So, towards the end of this movie, this piece of shit, they go to Poison Ivy's house, and Dick Grayson wears, he goes to kiss her. Yeah. Bruce Wayne has actually told him, like, look, dude, that's how they get you.

That's how they get you. You don't want to get kissed by one of them, he says. No, no, no, no, that's... They'll turn you. I had Alfred make these lip protectors for you last night. Oh my God, this mouth condom he puts on? Robin, we're going crime-fighting. Are you wearing your mouth condom?

Okay. I need you rubber lips. God. Oh, Lord, Almighty. With my dying breath, I'm going to creep you out. I won't stop. And this is so, stupid because she kisses him and he's like

sorry poison ivy it's a mouth condom like right then and there she should be like what did it you fucking moron this kid's been trained by batman who's and carnies by the way and carnie's a great training he's like the best the second best fighter in the world or something and she just shoves him in a pool and he's like fucking third time in this movie

And he falls into a vat. He's, like, struggling in this vat of water for, like, eight minutes. He should be dead. He should be long dead. Poisoned Ivy's plans wrap up Batman, and then Alicia Silverstone's like, hi, everybody, I'm Batgirl.

This movie needed one more thing. There wasn't enough going on in this movie. Just one more toy we can sell people. And she comes in, and, you know, they have, like, a fight, and it's a weird, like, she's like, okay, now a girl's going to fight a girl, right, everybody? And Poison Ivy's like, well, I like fighting the dudes.

And she's like, no, no, no, it's girl fight time. I feel like this was a second unit director situation. Oh, yeah. That was the week Joel Schumacher's, I'm taking off, man. Whatever, man. Schumacher out. I do not get this scene. What is going on?

I don't know why you're here. I know the characters in the comics, but I don't know why you're here in my movie. So Poison Ivy gets shoved into her own chair. which almost kills her. Yeah, I don't know. It's like the big plant from Little Shop. Just fucking gobbles her up.

But she was sitting at it four minutes ago and everything was cool. This is a lesson learned, dude, you don't plop in big plants. You sit nicely in a big plant. Oh, that's right. They just gobble you out.

Oh, it's like making sudden moves in front of a dog. Exactly. You can't spook a big plant. And it's so stupid because these like petals come down and she's like, no. And her dumb legs are kicking out.

She's like, no, then I won't be at the movie anymore. Oh, no. That would be a tragedy. So now we go and fight at the telescope. Now we go to the telescope. So there's only an hour left of this movie, right? Longer than Star Wars. Oh, big time.

They have like 10 minutes or else Mr. Freeze is about to freeze the whole fucking city. You know we better do costume change. They go all the way back, and Alfred's like, oh, shit, I'm behind on these costumes. This one's got a feigny dick on it. I'm sanding a feigny rubber dick. Ow, I told you to have my ice stick suit ready. What the fuck you've been doing here?

It's like you're sick or something. Yeah, Alfred, great job on the suit. You didn't polish my motorcycle. Still covered in mud from last week. Are these euphemisms? But there's three new toys to sell these, like, fucking, like, whatever. It's like a bat snowmobile, the fanboat. And look, a Batgirl motorcycle out of nowhere?

Like, what the fuck? He engineered a motorcycle for this girl that may or may not be coming and may or may or may not become Backgirl? Look, Alfred Pennyworth is a man prepared for anything. Again, it's just living in fear of Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson. That's all it is. Bruce Wayne Batman fights

Mr. Freeze and then what's his friend Batgirl and Robin fight Bain and just like unplug him that was awesome

They pull a cord out and all his like juice goes all over the place It's like a babeality It is a baybality It's a downright babality

He shrinks up And I think there's a Gougu Gagga noise There's a cute little noise he makes There's definitely a little It's like a turtle He can't turn himself

over for some reason? Yeah, I mean, it doesn't make any sense. What a shock. There's a bunch Everybody falls off this fucking observatory, at least twice. Well, at least it's not into a bat. Yeah. It's off a fucking cliff. Thank you. But they're fighting. There's a couple of

scientists that get frozen, and we're supposed to be, like, caring about these scientists because we've seen them before. Yeah, ugh. Yeah, you know what? Sounds about right. But the plot here, folks, so you're not lost, is Now, Mr. Freeze wants to freeze the planets.

He's using the telescope light reflection satellites to... Hashtag Batman science. And this is all, by the way, just to contextualize a little more, Poison Ivy killed his wife and told him Batman did it. So he's on a fucking rampage. Yes. She unplugged his wife. Oh, yeah.

It was more plug. Unplugging. Yeah, yeah. She had stage four McGregor's, dude. So two... She did, though. She's got stage four. He's cured stage four.

stage one, because he's a genius, right? I guess so, but so maybe that's what it is. You are just frozen, and then you continue getting sicker, but, like, you won't die because you're frozen? Why don't the stages just keep going? Why does it stop at four? Yeah, but, well, you could be in stage nine. Oh, fuck, it's getting harder and harder in here.

They keep adding stages. I can't keep up with the medical science. I wish I was still a legitimate doctor. Oh, no, stage six, the pillow book. The painting his penis. It's happened in that movie. See the pillowbug with you in McGregor. You'll get that joke.

His penis is in it. His penis is fucking third build in that movie. Not top? No. Mr. Freese falls over like a turtle also. And he can't get out. Yeah. And he's just like, oh no, this suit is just way too big, you guys.

I'm going to lay down the rest of the movie. You guys keep going. and it's like at the end of total recall here just like yeah he's like Batman he's kind of melting his like eyes are sinking into his head

it's disgusting this isn't Gotham this is Mars oh man he's just fucking delusional Freeze thinks he's on Mars our job is probably Remember I was building a spaceship Oh shit

He was trying to go to Mars Cohagen we have to get these people ice These people need ice These people need ice We need to re-freeze the planets They're just trying to freeze this city You see a bunch of extras get frozen A dog's taking a piss on a fire hydrant

That freezes And I'm laughing my ass off Oh, that dog's dead There's no less than like five car accidents That happens Sure, frozen car accidents And whatever man The fucking telescope falls off a cliff

And they reroute the whole thing Backgirl's a computer genius This is an amazing She's hacking it, like she hacked the CD-ROM there. Well, what's typing in, like, password? Stars. Space. Wires.

Yeah, scientists. Satellite password. Is it hair? It wasn't hair last time. Oh, maybe this is England. But it's such bullshit because they're like, oh, the telescope fell, so we have to reroute the satellites, but only computer genius could do it. And Robin's like, I'm on it. And I'm like, hold on, Carney. And then back girl kind

does the same thing. Like, hold on, Carney. I got it. I'm like, you don't got shit either. Fucking England does a password. You're motorcycle enthusiast at best. And she does it. She hacks the planet. You know, then the fire starts. And that's what's great. It's like, how are you regulating this shit?

It's like a fire ray. It's melting everything. Created a death ring. That was shooting immediately. Yeah, they're shooting Gotham with lasers now. There are a lot of lasers in this movie. We did not mention, but there are a lot of lasers. There's handheld lasers.

There's satellite lasers. It's Batman and Robin and lasers. Better title. It pops. So basically, they don't burn down the city, which they definitely would. And they're like, oh, by the way, Poisoned Ivy, totally killed your wife, but we know this dude that, like, has McGregor's stage one. He's about to die.

He's like, well, I just so happen to have on me the cure for McGregor syndrome, stage one in case I get it, I guess. I think that's what it is, right? Yeah, it's like carrying around, like a $900 epipen. I also got... I'm looking just in case. I also have the cure for cancer. I got the cure for AIDS. Which one you want, man?

I'm stacked up right now. Look you up, bro. Take two of these and call me in the morning. And everyone in the theater. is cutting their own throat. Like, Jesus Christ. And this is where something really weird happens because, like, okay, now Alfred

is saved from this mad scientist. So, let's let him go. They're like, yeah, go and kill and get revenge. Here's your suit back, Mr. Freeze. I'm sorry that we destroyed your plot. Well, it's ridiculous because George Clooney is like, you can go to Arkham will fully fund your research.

Like, pay for those Gotham roads. Funding a fucking villain's research. kidding me? And they put him in a cell poison ivy's like crazy or something and he's like oh, he's like, I'm your new cellmate for some reason. This is a really poorly run mental institution. He's in full armor. He's wearing the suit of armor.

Oh, this is the sound of your doom or whatever. Man, I can't believe they're letting me do this. The cameo let me in. I mean, it is so stupid. And they're all like, oh, is the cure going to work for Alfred? And then, like, he wakes up. They're like, get the fucking work.

Break time is over. It's amazing, though. See these fucking dishes? Dude, how rapidly this place falls to shit without this guy? It's been one night, one night. And there's pizza boxes everywhere. The fucking curtains are torn down. Someone took a shit in the corner.

Robin is wearing his suit in the living room And that's a rule Like, no, no, that goes downstairs You hang that up before you come up And Alfred like saunteres out And Joel Schumacher's bathrobe And he's like, well, this place is a pigsty Fucking everyone's laughing

Group hug, now get back to work We're glad you're alive Now go clean the bathroom floor I'm only going to dock you one day's pay I mean, you slept the whole day, man. You should be scrubbing the floor over credits. Holy shit, that is a stinger scene in a half. In Gotham City.

Scrub toilet. Then they start, like, one-upping each other, like, oh, well, I got Mr. Breeze and I got pain. And then, like, Alicia Silverstone's like, remember, I was in this movie? I kick Poison Ivy's botanical butt. And the movie's like yeah, yeah, yeah, shut up.

And then it ends with Alfred just going, we're going to need a bigger cave. Oh, for Batman 5, which will surely happen. Don't worry, turning around for next summer. We got Jesse Ventura heating up killer crock

and back. And the three of them run to the camera like, idiots. Then the Smashing Pumpkins play. There's an ill-written R. Kelly song about how Gotham City's in all of us, the fucking heart of humanity or something. I do not want Gotham City in me at all. It's filled of crocodile people. Get that junk out of my arm, man. Are you serious?

There's definitely chuds for sure, man. Guaranteed. You wish there were chuds. You wish. Dude, that's on a t-shirt. like Gotham City, you're praying for your fucking town is that terrible. You want cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers? Look out. That sucks. Well, that's Batman and Robin.

Yeah. Now, we gotta start wrapping up here, but we want to thank all you all for coming out. Give yourselves a round of applause. Very nice. Big thanks to the improv for having us out, of course. L.A. Pod Festival, thank you so much.

Yeah, stay for those shows, guys. It's going to be great. Now, we do have some posters from the aisle out in the lobby, y'all. We're going to plug that real quickly. Sure. But before we go, you know, the tradition on these live shows, they like reading a little bit of Internet news. Is it news? Well, it's news to me. It's going to be news to them. This is Internet holds. Yeah, well, actually, that's true.

No, we like to, you know, because everybody loves a movie, right? And there's people who loved this. movie, right? Sure. So we found one of them. Maybe the one. The one. Two bat thumbs up.

Nine out of ten stars. I want to know where this movie went wrong. How did that tenth star like just get out of this guy's grasp? Maybe it's fucking two hours and five minutes long. Oh, that could be. Yeah. Written by Cheese Lover, One, Two, Three.

No, it's not. No. Nice try. Oh Lord This movie Gallagher, ladies and gentlemen What the hell just happened? I did it in both shows.

I'm so sorry. Well, they get a free poster and a fucking garbage bag to burn their clothes in when they get home. I'm sorry. Folks, you just got a little bit of Gotham in you. You may turn to it to crocodile. I can't believe that just happened.

Neither can I. I forgot how to drink water. I thought I was good at it. We'll teach you. We'll teach you. Steve's got a drinking problem. This movie is an absolute delight. This is so sad. I watch it every year at Christmas.

And occasionally at random times during the year. Oh, cheese, lover, one, two, three. I appreciate it more and more every time I see it. Not only does Joel Schumacher bring the Batman franchise into a whole new light, but he chose a dynamite cast. Jesse Ventura was brave casting. I agree with that, yeah. It's funny.

Okay. Family friendly. And has some wicked action sequences. I can't see why anyone would dislike Batman and Robin. Because Holy Nipple Suites Batman, this movie rocks. If you haven't seen it yet, rent it. Or better yet, buy it. I work for Warner Brothers.

The story is awesome, and the acting. is incredible. The costumes, music, and lighting are exceptional. The lighting's okay. It's not bad lighting, yeah, yeah, of course. I mean, I've seen better, but, you know, I've seen a lot worse. You can't get much better than Batman and Robin. It's almost as good as Batman forever.

We are We Hate Movies from New York City. Thanks for coming out, Los Angeles, to see you next time. Bye-bye. Keep it going for me-Aid movies, everybody.