We Hate Movies - S7 Ep282: Episode 282 - Collateral Beauty

Episode Date: January 3, 2017

On the first episode of the new year, the guys hunker down for a month of chatting about some of the worst films of 2016! Up first is the pathetic excuse for a grief drama, Collateral Beauty! What's with this insane scheme? How does no one go to jail for this? And are you kidding us with those twist endings?! PLUS: Steve presents an alternative for ladies who are just tired of regular, boring, old sperm banks! Collateral Beauty stars Will Smith, Edward Norton, Kate Winslet, Helen Mirren, Michael Peńa, Naomie Harris, Keira Knightley, Jacob Latimore, and Ann Dowd; directed by David Frankel.Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Now on today's program, a movie so bad, we just saw it and my face is still red. It's collateral beauty on We Hate Movies. I'm Andrew Juppin. Chris Cabin. Stephen Sadek. And we hate movies. Hello, everybody, welcome to we hate movies. Happy New Year.

We are getting things kicking off in just the right fashion. I'd say it's, that's right, a whole month of the worst of 2016. Starting with Dave Frankl's collateral. Beauty. I'd rather watch Dave Franco's collateral beauty. Oh, man, that'd be great. That movie would actually take some risks. Olivia Wilde's definitely in it. I was going to say, you might be able to trick Zach Ephron in the story.

You might actually. And for all you Cisca heads, Eric is just too hung over from the new year. He couldn't do it. Oh, he's on the plasma right now. He's on the plasma. Yeah, he spent the night praying to the porcelain god, as it were. God damn it.

That's right. Michael Pena does a little bit of that in this movie, doesn't it? He certainly does for completely different reasons, which we'll get to. So this movie, is out theaters right now? You could actually... Well, let's not push it. I don't know. In some theaters, is that right now?

Yeah, it's the holiday feel-good movie of the year. Jesus, Louisa. Yeah, here's the thing, Hollywood. Just because a movie is set at Christmas doesn't mean you need to release this at Christmas. I'm telling you right now, you have... You have somebody going into the theater, right? One of these people, they're tragically alone on Christmas for some reason or another. Sad life, they say to themselves, well, man, you know, I really love Will Smith.

Yeah. Coming out just in time for the holidays, pet me up, that person saw this movie, and then immediately killed themselves. Oh, I wonder what he'll be getting jiggy with this time. Wait, what? I just need one little smile from the only man in Hollywood that, can make me smile, William Smith. Oh, is Tommy Lee going to be here, too? Are they going to talk about the alien again?

You know, for the past month, I've been so sad about being widowed, and the only thing I've been looking forward to is William Smith, brightening my... What's that grief-stricken father with a dead kid and a ruined existence? Well, at least Jazzy Jeff will show up, he's always got a quip in his back pocket. Oh, they were so cute together back in the day. Man, you're praying for DJ Jazzy Jeff in this movie.

I would love it if Uncle Phil just threw him out of Will Smith's ridiculous apartment. Well, you need a CGI Uncle Phil. Oh, that's right. He died. He's been dead for years, man. That's the estate of Uncle Phil. Man, you know what? That's totally a book that that actor could have written the estate of Uncle Phil. And his pictures is on the cover.

It could also be a book, like a bad book giving you, like, money advice. I've had a couple of those, like, Simpsons books. You ever got those? Oh, the philosophy. Yeah, it was like Bart Simpson's Guide to Life. I loved that book. You loved that book? This is the first book I ever loved.

Back to Collateral Beauty. God, I almost don't want to. I want to keep talking about fucking loot crate, man. Anything to prevent us from talking about collateral beauty. So this movie is kind of like a lot. And I watch a lot of these around the Christmas time. the hallmark and the lifetime Christmas movies you're like daring yourself

to kill yourself yeah sure come on say that you're gonna shit through another one you're gonna sit through the same one you watched last year you're gonna go to hell tonight I will say that this is probably a little bit more convoluted than most lifetime

you would think so I think really the only difference is actually filmed in New York like everything if this was a lifetime movie it would be a female lead you know someone Kay Winslet would be the lead

of the No, Kate Winslet You're Meredith Baxter Bernie or no A charisma carpenter is a charisma carpenter Yes That's what you're going to get

Charisma Carpenter She's going to be the lead It's going to be set in New York In the advertising world We're filming it in New Toronto By the way We absolutely are It's going to be Canadian

As Sin And there's going to be Like one of the people That she deals with Will be a hunk of some, you know, maybe one of the third leads from Arrow will be the hump maybe. Or it's a guy that he's really trying just by hook or by crook to scrape his way out of the

soap opera game. Oh man. One of those guys? No, that's like a Morpheus situation. You don't want to look back. No, I'm sorry, Orpheus. You don't want to look back. I was going to say Morpheus. You just want to keep eating the fake steak in the Matrix. I'm a little rat face man. So this movie takes place. It's Will Smith. we open with

should we so it takes the the back of the box scenario would be correct Will Smith is a be grieved father who has conversations with the personifications of death time and love all around the holidays because he's so begrieved and maybe there's other stuff going on also he loves setting up domino spectacle

he really does he loves these little domino spectacles man he's got the time he's got the patience, setting up these dominoes. It's very dramatic and compelling domino topplings going on here. I've never seen dominoes like this, though. They're like shaped like dominoes, but they're just like solid colors. A lot of pastel dominoes. I mean, I feel like you've got to buy these online and they are expensive.

Are you paying through the nose? It is an excruciatingly boring way to waste your time. And like I understand it. You're grief-stricken. I totally get it. you need something to, you know, just funnel into. But, Chris, don't dominoes fall the way life falls? You know what I mean?

One moment into the next, you know what I'm saying? Oh, yeah. Why do dominoes fall, Master Wayne? Like plastic pieces of bullshit. Sure, yes. That is life. Why do dominoes fall, Mr. Wayne? Because rich men have too much fucking time on their hands and they keep setting them up.

Someone invented a company where all they make is custom-made dominoes. That's America in a nutshell right there I mean honestly where is Michael Cain Why don't I have Michael Cain in this movie He should be playing fucking fathered time I'll tell you that much Well that's the thing it would have to be like I mean he would have to be like Edward Norton's father

Or something like that I just feel like it's like a little something It's a coin flip between Helen Mirren and Michael Cain You can't have them both Because then you have like the old Baftergaard kind of haunting your movie Which makes it a little weird And I'll take Helen Mirren

ran over Michael Cain, sorry to tell you. Helen Mirren's doing an American accent in this movie, right? Because I think Kira Knightley is the only British one. The only, like, actually quote-unquote British one? I didn't think Helen Marin was... She's going in and out a little bit. Yeah, I'm not sure. She's also got those Aryan contact lenses.

Yes, those are so weird. That's weird. It's a little strange. I do it. Well, that's so she can match her fucking Queen Elizabeth's suit she's wearing later in the movie. Of course. What's her face is doing a bad American accent, though? Naomi Harris is it?

Yes, she is. Holy shit. And Kate Winslet's do it. I mean, Kate Wins has mastered the American accent. She's fine. Yeah, she didn't do so well with that Polish accent and Jobs, but what are you going to do? What are you going to do? It was last year. You can't get fault her forever. And I hate to bring stuff it with Steve Jobs. Oh, Steve Jobs. What did I say?

Jobs. What's Jobs? Isn't Jobs just the... Oh, that's the Ash Tone Coucher movie? Yeah, sorry about that. Steve Jobs. Can't wait for his middle name to come out. That'll be a fun movie. I think his middle name is the man in the machine. movie the documentary so could we do we want to spoil it for everybody we have to because i like i said

to you on the train up here i think spoiling the two twists in this movie aren't there like five though there's enough twist there's enough that i think it will help inform everything else we're talking about sure but so i think to spoil it though we have to set up a little bit more of what's going so we we start and it's will smith in better days given a speech about and he His like, his like corporate mantra, they work at a fake advertising company because everybody works at a fake advertising. Lifetime, real movies, any movie, it's always about the ad game.

Apparently, it's fronting Scientology because his whole thing is there are three abstractions. There's love. There's time. Yep. And there's death. It's like, oh, you know. Everybody wants love.

Everybody wants to maximize their time and everybody's afraid of death. And that's how you sell them five. fucking soap which you know sure you know what this character you are no don draper no okay you know don draper could sell me a rusty set of cut cone knives man like this dude ain't selling shit well that's the weird thing is we we only hear about how great he was at the ad game right amazing everything was but you never actually see it you only show me a campaign yeah show me one commercial you made so we flip to now will smith is just making dominoes in the office and being a bit of a

nuisance about it. Right. And it's an awkward situation because it's like, yeah, he's being a nuisance, but he's got a dead kid. So everyone in this office, and it's a big office. It's like Google. These offices are Google. Yeah, they're the madmen

Google mashup here. Are we sure it's not Starfleet? It's a lot of slide indoors that you don't be like you just have to talk to. They talk about how this company's on fucking hard times. Sell this office. Or stop paying rent at this office whatever it is downsize cut some of these millennials loose i see a lot of extras

floating around me a lot of fat around here just down to one floor maybe yeah the biggest building in time square but these people these poor people are expected to conduct business and be successful while walking around on eggshells in front of this man because they're like you know anything could set this dude off like who knows and here's the thing he's not closing those doors yeah So it's an open office of you're just watching this guy day after day for six months. The shattered man. Make these childlike things. Oh, it's so creepy.

Day after day. And then people are like, oh, do you know that he used to do that with his daughter? Like, yeah, I know. I just got to do my time sheets. All right. I'm a fucking temp. They said temp to perm. I said no, temp.

And that's the thing, cabin. It's not six months. It's been two years. And so it's at a point where they're. But he's been back for six months. He comes back and they're like, oh, yeah. But the kid's been dead for two years. And so everyone's mentality is like, you know, it's been two years, right?

That's 24 whole months to stop being crazy. Or just like don't be in the, like, don't haunt our offices. Like, you know what I mean? That's the weird thing. It's like, because Edward Norton keeps, Edward Norton is the business partner. And I think so is Kate Winslet and also Michael Pena who will get to. And basically the thing is like Edward Norton, he keeps. keeps going up to him and saying, like, oh, I keep trying to have conversations.

What's his name, Walter or? Will Smith. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, oh, no, Howard. Howard is his name. Help me Howard. So he's like, oh, I just keep going up to Howard and like, he's not there. And I talk to him and doesn't respond, which is weird.

Like, it's a very weird way of grieving to go to your job and then ignore everybody. I mean, it's creepy. I mean, a lot of the beginning of this movie is. people talking to Will Smith Will Smith like acknowledging that they're talking to him by like looking at them but then just not saying anything

like he's a real fucking specter in this movie shaking his head like wildly for no reason and be like you know what dude you're not ready to come because they do have that thing like I think Edward Norton's like you know it's been two years he had to come back sometime maybe no matter what it's not time I need to run a business I can't have fucking

weird F.A.O. Schwartz's nightmare depression all over my house That's the other thing is that they just don't have, like, he has to make a decision. Like, he has to. It's fine if he's like, I can't do this anymore. Sure. I don't want anything to do with this place anymore. That's fine.

He has to sign a piece of paper to that effect and be fucking done with it. This stupid thing where he's between, he can, he neither can stay away or fully commit. Yeah, like, maybe he's going to go back and maybe the, the plan was I'm going to go back and lose myself in my work. get some work done here's a tip take the toys out of your office don't have those dominoes there to distract you that's all i'm saying that's a big problem and the rest of the office so but basically the company's in the toilet because will smith was the don draper type that's what everybody wanted i think this movie does know that you've seen madmen a little bit you know what i mean like the yeah some of the language is very similar it's also not as like explaining about what this movie's idea is anyway of like what the ad sales world is They're just assuming you've seen Mad Men, and there is, it's just like jargon and whatnot floating around. So they're like, oh, you know, we're the company's in the toilet because everybody, we're losing clients left and right because they wanted Will Smith's magical genius and they're not getting it. Right. So we need, you know, we're behind on whatever and we have to sell the company.

We've got a great deal coming from Omnicom. Omnickom by the way. Placeholder name, placeholder name, placeholder name. Yeah, somebody needed to live. look over this screenplay with a fucking fine tooth comb. We have this great deal but end very much like a lifetime movie very much like a Christmas movie. They needed an answer

on New Year's Eve or Buzz no matter what. Like how about like if you are making an offer around the holidays you have to be like okay let us know by the end of January because it's a holiday everybody's on vacation. Omnicorp is open over the holidays. Give me a break.

They took all of December off. Yes, exactly. You're not getting business done on 12 31 buddy and what kind of fucking business that's the other thing is you don't see them actually doing anything like there's plenty of inspirational shots of white people

working at an office there's a whole lot American Great again man there's quite a lot of that as it turns out sure but there's not like give me a meeting where they're like you know we liked this idea of you know Red Bull you love it so much

you want to walk into traffic or they're like oh hey Jimmy what are those pants Oh, those are the new diesel genes we're going to be marketing. Okay, cool. Exactly. The only time you see any of this is when Edward Norton plays an old DVD from some Spanish language fucking... Pharmaceutical thing that he made about like a pill that reduces anger. Yeah.

I was like, okay. Bikidin is this red monster. There's got to be some sort of, like, that should be a thing. It's not selling this company or shares or whatever. It's like, we need to land the big account. And this is the product that we're working on. But yeah, but the problem is they're afraid and they're like, okay, we need Will Smith because he has like more shares than anything else because Edward Norton sold some and his horrific divorce apparently. Oh, man, it sounds like Ed Norton's character, Witt, took a bath.

It sounds like a real barn burner, man. Well, it was a thing where like he was cheating on his wife. The wife hired a private detective and she like just documented this dude's philanthropy. Yeah, and it's just like, I feel like when everyone, anyone talks about the divorce, three other characters go, oh, that was a bad divorce. They do it in the street. I'm pretty sure strangers on this year are like, oh, yeah, I remember that. Oh, that was bad for him. That one made the papers. The post ripped him apart.

Oh, wow, that guy. Oh, you're the divorce guy, right? Oh, you're the guy. It was a big knockdown, drag out fight. Somehow your apartment got set on fire. All you have left is cangle hats. he took a real real bath in this fucking divorce so he's hanging out with a Kate Winslet

who I thought for the beginning of this I thought they were in a relationship because I think I thought that they like he's talking about who he cheated on his wife with it was like oh it must have been Kate Winslet but oh yeah it's actually just like the wife and the wife's new boyfriend you also don't meet the other woman because we're just like

talking about these characters and such a two dimensional like this is the one that had the affair there's so many Lilith cranes in this movie man There's a lot of Lilith, man. Yeah, absolutely. No, not Lilith. Maris. Maris, I apologize.

Or Vera. Or Vera. Vera from Cheers. Lilith was all over that show. She was. You couldn't keep her out of it. They tried. So they're like, how are we going to do this thing?

How are we going to get him to sign these papers? Because literally talking to this guy is like talking to a fucking wall. I'm not even kidding. I've been in the elevator. But this guy, I've watched where Edward Norton's like, hey, man, and got Nick tickets. You don't even have to come. All you have to do is sit next to me and be a fucking ghost. He's like, no.

Not even no, just nothing. He just walks out of the elevator. And this is where you want to say to Edward Norton, and this is something that Will Smith, as a functioning human being could possibly say, is why don't you take that daughter who hates you to the Nick game? Why don't you try rebuilding that? Because that's the other, like, sack of sad shit that Edward Norton's carrying on his. back in this movie. One of many. He's got another one coming too. Because he's got this daughter who hates his rotten

guts. She's like this precocious child actor with like, you know, a 30 year old's vocabulary. And it's also the fucking oldest thing in the book with the fucking, oh my God, my daughter's new stepdad is a rich man who is fucking nice to her.

That happens in fucking jingle all the way too. It happens all the time. And Edward Norton has to be this prick about it. And like he's like, Oh, I got tickets to Ham- First of all, how about you don't bring up Hamilton? Yeah. How about we begin with that? Don't bring up Hamilton. Well, this movie was made in 2016, so it's almost, it was by law you had to talk about Hamilton.

But that's what, like, there's so many problems with this screenplay, but that's a big thing. We're time dropping right now. Yeah. Because we're talking about Hamilton. He mentions his Uber driver gave him advice. There's another one floating around. She went to Hamilton. So he's like, hey, I got tickets to Hamilton.

I'm the luckiest man in the world and I'm rich. And she's like, yeah, but I actually saw that already with my dad and O'Dell Beckham Jr. That's the other one. Yes. Yeah. Current Giants superstar O'Dell Beckham Jr. It's like, you know, pretend for two seconds. Like you want anyone to give a flying fuck about this movie 10, 15 years from now.

No one is going to remit. Like, someone's going to watch this movie 20 years from now and be like, what was the big deal with Hamilton? So she saw it. It's okay. Why is he bitching about 10? tickets. Actually, it was a private performance and Odell did it for us. We actually had Denzel Washington that came on as Aaron Burr. Oh, wow. That's pretty stars. I'm thinking about the criterion of collateral beauty that will come out. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Very nice artwork on

you know, the interesting artwork is you ever take one of those real sneaky shits? You know, you take a real, take a dump after maybe a night of drinking and it's like, wow, how long is this turd? And it goes all the way around the bowl almost twice. You're like, how did I even do that? In the form of Helen Mirren's head. And that's it. It's a really artsy shot maybe of a snaky shit and it's called Collateral Beauty.

That's the thing is like you could just have that. It's like a filled toilet bowl and then just like sprinkles on a Sunday all the characters and things from this movie just atop it. And there is your criteria in Blu-ray case. Beautiful. It's absolutely beautiful. I thought you were going to talk about like

the handful of dog shit that Divine eats in, uh, also, no, then you got to pay John Waters for that. You don't want to be doing that. But that's what watching this movie is like, man, eating a handful of steamy, fresh, hot off the presses dog shit. So she, uh, is like, yeah, dad. And he's like, oh, you're going to spend Christmas with me.

He's like, no, I'm going away. And he gets all pissed and bummed and he kind of leaves this girl alone. So that's his sad shit. And by the way, Brad or whoever this stepfather is a guy. It is a Brad is a fucking bullshit name. So she says, it's not, I mean, it's a very... overused name in cinema. It's an overused name specifically for stepdad.

Yeah, stepdad Brad. So, stepdad, Brad. Instead of going to fucking Hamilton and hang out with dad, she's going to the Bahamas with mom and stepdad. Yep. Mom and stepdad were going to the Bahamas alone. Yep, yep, yep.

What the fuck, Brad? I mean, why would you allow this to happen? It's a real cock up. You're going to a fuckation and now you got a kid hanging out talking about how she wants to go back and see Hamilton with Odell again. And it's one of those things where it's a totally adults only resort so you got to pretend and try to trick the

people to say that she's 18. Wow, this is getting really seating. This turned into my father the hero. No, man. Well, oh, yeah. Maybe it will. I don't know. Well, that's the thing that you say to somebody like, you know, there's these adults only resorts and everybody thinks people are fucking

fucking each other in the dining hall. I mean, you know, it's just they don't like kids in. that. We went on our honeymoon in Mexico, man. It was no children anywhere. What a beautiful thing. You fucking a dining hall? Oh, man, all the restaurants. Linen closets as well. So,

they're casting a commercial for something. It's a, oh, what is it? Is it a vacation? It's the one thing they do kind of say. It's some sort of travel thing. Or it's like, you'll shed your, and like basically the line is you'll shed your skin or what is it? No.

skin and find yourself. Yes, that sounds right. I think that's it. Whatever it is. And then, like, he's a philanderous. He's he's, he's Kira Knightley, in line, by the way. And he's like, oh, hey, how's it going, Kiranileney? And she's like, how's it going? And he, she gives him a better line reading for his product. And she's like, oh, that hits you right in the heart. Yeah.

And then she, like, leaves enigmatically to go to this weird playhouse. And Edward Norton's trying to get it wet. So he chases her. Yeah, it's right. Pretty desperate. it's her it's her Helen Mirren and what's his kid's name

I've never seen it before he's a rap artist I believe as well is he yeah his name is Jacob Latimore I don't know that he's a rapper

that's what I got in the Wikipedia Jacob Latimer he's been in a bunch of stuff yeah yeah I mean he was in ride along okay

well Jacob it's oh he's a maze runner person too Okay, so... Oh, is he okay. Yeah. And they're performing this in this weird little black box theater

and they're performing some scene from something and Edward Norton's like, wow, that was amazing. I was like, you're just trying to get laid, dude. Yeah, yep. Like, wow, that was the best. And he's like, I go to a lot of theater and I'm like, do you? No, come on. Oh, so Steve, you're not a total racist.

He's an R&B singer. Yes, okay. But it's a weird, like, according to the Tribune anyway, it says his first single best friend was picked up by radio, Disney. Okay. Wicca Wicca Radio Disney. Collateral beauty.

Yeah, this is indeed Wicca, Wicca Collateral Beauty. So he's like, wow, that's amazing. And he's like, I have this great idea. And basically what he wants to do is, oh, I'm sorry. He hires his wife's

private investigator, played by Ann Dowd, to follow Will Smith around, to find something that can label him mentally incompetent. crazy yeah so because that's the whole thing right is if he's cuckoo for cocoa puffs he loses his stake in the company decision making and they can go on with selling to omnibus or whatever the shit it's called so they show him put some stuff in a mailbox she takes it out they go out to lunch with and down and they're like what was in the mailbox and down she's like well he wrote letters to life to love time and death and they read it out at the table this is i mean this this starts the the long string of horridor horrendously illegal shit that goes on in this movie that is indeed the plot of the movie is heinously illegal doing something monstrous and illegal that let me tell you right now immoral monstrously illegal and let me tell you right now nobody pays the piper for this shit at the end but when those credits roll and nobody's due in time i don't think so the criminals are apologized to at the end of this movie that's right it's stunning you're goddamn right fucking will Smith needs to learn a lesson.

You need to learn a lesson and fucking buy it your business. Yep. Oh. So it's fucking sickening. This horrific. So we're stealing mail. Federal offense right there. So right off the top.

And so she's like, yeah, he wrote these letters. And then this is when, so when Edward Norton meets these three people, he's like, brilliant idea. And does he go, does he run it by the rest of the team first, I think? I think he goes the, I think he has the idea. Uh-huh. And then he has to go. get them. Yeah. Because also, by the way, these three struggling artists, they're actors, sure. And they're all struggling. They've got like a fucking, a theater on Verick Street in the

middle of fucking Soho. Yeah. Why don't you go to somewhere where the rent isn't a thousand dollars a day? I mean, that's the insane thing is like they're putting together this play. Nobody's off book. Okay. But yet like, wow, you think it's a little late in the production? to not be off book. I think so. The fucking sets design. What are you kidding me? You've moved into the theater?

Yeah, that's true. You're loaded in, the sets there, lighting's there, you're still on book the three of you? What a fucking disaster. And the design's pretty impressive, too. Eugene O'Neill's rolling over in his fucking grave.

Good God. Well, that's the thing is nobody's directing this. It seems like Helamirin might be. I think Helen Mirren chose to direct. Oh, well, you know what, lady? Maybe let's get some discipline on set. And you're right, Kevin. And this is an interesting-looking set.

I kind of just want to watch this play, not this shit-fuck movie. It would be better than anything. Oh, guaranteed. And it's one of those things like when he walks in on the scene, they're just talking about nothing. Yeah. It's all just the fucking screenwriter pulled out a thesaurus and had a field day with it.

Clip-clap nonsense. Just fucking going for it. Talking about the cold tears of who gives his shit. Wasn't that your senior project? Yes, it was. I mean, I reworked the title and draftsends. because, I mean, you can't put that on our marquee. Yeah, Chris Cabin's the cold tears of who gives a shit.

That's a lot for a poster. So Edward Norton's got this idea. He's like, hey, look, why don't I pay, I'm going to come into a lot of money if this scheme goes through. We're doing Ocean's 11 shit right now. I'm going to need three actors. And this is a tough sell, by the way. Do this thing for me. And I promise you $20,000, but also only if I then come into this money that I'm only assuming I'm going.

to get should this deal happen to go through this is a very rare instance of that where you don't have to sleep in a haunted mansion you know usually when you hear a line of bullshit is like that but you have to spend one night in a haunted mansion my great aunt louise died but so he's like all right so what uh what don't all through you know what you have to do is pretend to be the personifications of love death and time go go haunt and bother my begrieved partner to make him i guess what The idea is like, then he'll either snap out of it or more than likely he'll just go crazy and we'll have enough evidence to have him removed from the masked head here. But what we haven't mentioned yet is how we're collecting this evidence. Oh, that's right.

Which is indeed they want to get the three. So it's Helen Mirren is death, Kieran Knightley is love, and Jacob Latimore's time. And they're like, go to him, get him like riled up and talking to you. and then Anne Dowd, our fucking sextagenarian private investigator. The one on the inside. She's going to film you and then line from the movie digitally remove you from the tape. Then we're going to play it in front of the board meeting with all these lawyers present and sink this guy. Are you serious?

On top of that all, there's a the game part to this. Yes. Because somebody finds a key in a while. They have to have strangers or just random people pretend like they're invisible. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, what, Andrew, the second part of this, the digital, that's the second part. That kind of comes in later. Oh,

I thought that was from Jump Street. Maybe that's in his Machiavellian sense that he knows that that's going. But initially it's just like, hey, we're just going to go. You know, he's big grieved,

just talk to him. Maybe if he confronts these things, he'll get over it. Right. And they're all like, oh, you, that's cool. 20 grand for that.

That's weird. But to Chris's point, yes. And, uh, like, Helen Mirren's like, well, what's the theatrical device? Can people see us? Can people not see us? So like, when Helen Mirren meets, uh, Will Smith at a dog house, a dog park where he frequents and Dowd comes with this kid. This kid is now on the take. Yep. And dad comes by and like, Will Smith's talking to, uh, Helen Mirren. And this kid's like, Mommy, who's that man talking to? And she's like, he's crazy, son. Yeah. And you know, again, insanely immoral.

illegally. This is like venturing into like harassment territory but also harassment fraud. Oh fraud definitely. But now Ann Dowd's got this kid involved as a grandson we're told so now listen you're either giving that kid a cut and you got a fucking snuff him out and that's Ann Dowd's

decision to make when the time comes. Here's another thing is like there's piano wire in the park. You're not getting no 3% Eastern promises she brings the kid for a shave No, but like

Oh my God Poor little guy But like Okay, so have a mirror And going to the dog park Like she's straight out of a Bill Cunningham photo Yeah It's like

You maybe want to wear something Where somebody, some random person Could just be like What the fuck is that person wearing? Yeah exactly Don't stick out like a sore thumb Where everyone will be staring at you Also your death

Don't you want to have like a plain like Black? Black is what I'm talking about it. It's a little too obvious. So she's wearing all this blue, and she's like, yeah, you wrote a letter to me. And, like, Will Smith's like, what, what, what? And the weird thing is the trailer is better than the movie. The trailer is just like, it's magic, it's fine.

This is what's happened to this guy on Christmas. Yeah. But this, like, to your point, the game, it's very strange. And also what I was curious about was I was expecting a twist like in the game when, like, Michael Douglas sees that great character actor and that, like, doctor ad in that Mexican restaurant. Oh, yeah. He's an actor, like an actor on television. Like, you know what I mean? And then he, like, harasses that guy at the zoo.

Like, that's what needs to happen. Like, Bill, Will Smith is, like, watching TV and, like, it's Kira Knightley in a fucking orbit ad. And he's like, oh, fuck. Yeah, that's exactly right. Like, this house of cards needs to come a crumbling. Mm-hmm. There's no real she's all that moment.

No, because as I mentioned, uh, the Piper is not paid by anyone. we're not paying the piper we're not paying the fucking fiddler nobody's getting paid man we're not even robbing peter to pay paul here man no way dude we're doing nothing so uh she meets him and he gets freaked out and she's like she has the letter because they fucking stole it which also here's the thing so anne down says i paid eight hundred dollars to a mailman so the mailman would copy me a universal key nice try that mailman have right so then i'm thinking okay so in order to access these letters is this woman who's just wearing like a beige overcoat is keying into a mailbox. Like, I need a scene where she's dressed up like a postal employee, right?

She comes up with a big plastic post office box and keys into that shit. I see, I didn't even notice that it was a universe. So, wait, is Anna doubt after this? Is she just going to start a criminal organization of blackmailing everybody? She can get any mail from anywhere. Yeah, she can. You know, and also to your point, Andrew, I think the way you get around that is you get your kid partner there, right? Oh, sure.

You get him across the street. He puts a pipe bomb in a garbage can. That blows up. And everyone's like, oh, my God. That's when Ann Dad goes and gets the mail real quick, real quick. Or maybe that kid fakes a heart attack or a seizure. And everyone was like, oh, my God. Run to help that kid.

Well, if it's a pipe bomb, dude, I was going to see you get Mark Wahlberg in this movie. He'll get to the bottom of it. It blew up the race. Whatever. Just watch the documentary of that. You're fine or read a book. So the next is Oh and also by the way

So like everybody sort of He brings Edward Norton involves Michael Pena and Kate Winslet And they're all like oh I guess this is the only option available to us Is this insane scheme And they go through they're like Because you could just make the argument Why doesn't one person talk to another person Yes

They do say you know we had our intervention was terrible Yeah brief counselor we hired. Something about chakras or some fucking white nonsense. I don't believe in chakras. Well, yeah, they got Dr. Strange in. He couldn't crack it. Dr. Strange in his white magic didn't work.

But yeah, but so the way they kind of informally, they all are like, all right, Edward Norton's going to work with Cura Knightley because he's trying to get that shit wet. Michael Pena draws Helen Mirren and they're going to work on their stuff. Right. And Kate Winslet's going to work with Jacob, what's his face? Latimore. Jacob Latimore. By the way, that's the name for a vampire.

Yeah, Jacob Latimore. Oh, no, it's Jacob Latimore. Dark shadows? Yes, yeah, totally. Hello, welcome to House Latimore. You've moved back into the house I see, Jacob. This is our new butler. He's also a werewolf.

Your ancestors have been waiting for you, Jacob. but so Michael Pena and this we all by the way we saw this 10 o'clock in the morning on 84th Street in a much too crowded for me theater I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe it. We were ready to just fucking hoot and hollered. I mean this movie tanked.

It's been out for a couple weeks at least a week. Well it opened against rogue fucking one. Yeah. It didn't do too well. So we just were anticipating it was to be a real fat guy fest in that theater is laughing. There were so many people in that. that theater. I'm so disappointed. And some of them

were under 200 pounds. I'm sorry, but no. We were, but we were snickering and we were having a little bit of fun with it. So no one booed us outright. But what I was saying was at this point in this screening, so like, everyone's working with their respective personification of whatever just to get them up to speed

and to save time. So Michael Pena is working with Helen Mirren in like a Starbucks. And a Starbucks or something, they're working this over a script. And Michael Pena starts to cough. And I turned to Chris and I was like, I swear to God, if Michael Pena fucking dies in this movie, I'm going to eat my hat. And I didn't have to eat my hat, but I almost did.

But, like, he is presumed dead. It turns out he's got, like, mesophiliaoma or something. No, he's dead. He's definitely going to die. Yeah. So that's what you start to find out is that Michael Pena is deathly sick. And wouldn't you know it? You're like, well, he's already talking to death.

What, what? Right. Oh, can you believe it? Can you even fucking believe it? Man, did that just irk me? And also this guy is like, you know, and that's kind of, it also works for a motivation for his character. He's like, I'm not a horrible person playing this weird fucking Charles Dickens-esque prank on my friend.

I'm actually, you know, if this deal doesn't go through, I have nothing. I have nothing to leave my kids. Oh, my God, my mother. He's in it for like more. He's got like a Heisenberg thing going on. He kind of is. He puts on a black hat. Yeah, he puts on a black hat.

And he's like, you're going to fucking pretend to be death. And I'm going to. knock for you. I'm just imagining if for some reason, you know, God forbid Andrew just becomes an alcoholic or something. Just just be, you know, I don't

want to put the bad juju on anyone in your family. But like you become an alcoholic and like we hate movies going down the toilet and I need to sell it. Like what do I get? Like a UCB 101 class to come out and perform some bizarre cabaret for you

just to get you to sign over something, it's insane. You have to rent out a bar. Oh, they all put it to be ghosts? Dude, I got to tell you, Steve, not for nothing, one of the things I thought about watching this movie, because they all, like, at this part of the movie, when they all pair off and they're working on their bits,

it reminded me of, like, the old days writing sketches and coffee shops. Like, it was so weird. I was like, they're sitting here in the Starbucks. They're getting their bit together. Yeah, sure. Pinia's working on his character. You're going to five minutes slot at Liquid Courage, man. You've got to get that going.

The family of Jacob Marley But no So you're an alcoholic You go into a bar It's all these ghosts That are people From a UCB 101 class

They're like I died from drinking I too died from drinking But you're all here drinking Rum was my poison I drank it from the gutter I drank vodka From an ice storm from hell

And then Andrew's like No fuck that guy I saw that guy an above average video yesterday eat shit that girl was in my 101 class 10 years ago Oh she was in the background of Broad City

Fuck yes I know he fucking writes For last week tonight Get out of here Might as well Yeah I mean So the next thing is Jacob Lattimore

As Time meets Will Smith in his office playing with the what he called Dominoes and like Kate Winslet comes out right this is the funniest fucking Kate Winslet's like

oh hey Will Smith we've got this meeting with this company we know you're not going to go to it because you're a living ghost but hey do you want to go to this thing and and like she pretends not to see

Jacob Lattimore because it's all this fucking scam yeah well it's also because Helen Mirren specifies in the last meeting like they only see us if we want them to is the thing. So he's kind of

looking like, do you see this guy behind me? Do you see this Disney R&B singer behind me? Is he crooning? Is he crooning back there? Will Smith's like, fuck that. I know that guy's not time. I saw him in the maze runner. Fucking

scorch trial, bitch. It's so stupid. So he has this conversation where like the kid, time is mad at him like Helen Mirren's a bit Helen Mirren's a bit like oh sweetheart and this kid's like fuck you you wasted my gifts and all this stuff and

like you know he like starts reading out his letter to him he's like you know Albert Einstein thought the time was an illusion or some horseshit downstairs Kate Winslet's like oh man I feel really bad about lying to my begrieved best friend I feel terrible about it

you know what I'm going to do in my open air office I'm going to look at a fucking sperm bank website dude come on well because she's dealing with time man and oh i get it now you get that shit dude is you oh man cabin get a mop because steve's mind just got blown all over the studio here we go well you should have marissa to me and she could have done reprised her best life which is my biological clock is ticking like this oh right that's how she accidentally won that academy award but like it's so fucked up because like we have no idea why like

what happened. Like, Kate Winsett never talks about, like, wanting to have a kid. She's a woman in a career scenario. Obviously, she really wants to have a kid. She gave up one for the other, and now she's regretting it. It's a latter period, 30 Rock kind of a gag, you know.

Or latter period SVU that happens there too. That does. Now we have Baby Noah on the show. Baby Noah. That baby's been in more danger in like two seasons. That kid needs to be taken away from that lady. I think that kids... There's way too many sex

criminals about. That kid's been kidnapped like four times on that show. I'm telling you right now. And it was twice by the same person, I think. Nope. Already ruined. Toss it out. No, yeah. I mean, like, seriously, though? Like, you will lose custody. Your kid gets kidnapped more than once. You get

one kidnapping. The judge is like, oh my God, I feel so bad. Oh, sure. Well, also, she had to... Objection. Fool me twice. Shame on me. She had to adopt, baby, Noah, because his mother was a prostitute who was set on fire under a bridge. Oh, she's not even by a lot.

No, that kid is gone. That kid's in a fucking orphanage town. Yep, that's right. If this woman wasn't a cop, forget it. That baby would be taken right now. Oh, you think a lot of papers go missing, by the way? Yep, guarantee. You're not calling every kidnapping it.

No, I think she does legally have custody of him, but the judge is like, you know, boys will be boys. If we could not put this kid, I don't want any more, I don't need any points on my parenting license. so if we could not put this kidnapping on the books I'd really appreciate I'm on probation I'm just going to get a pot belly pig this time I'm just going to go around this one go the other way so she's like yeah you know I want a kid whatever the third person to meet him is Will as Curia Knightley she kind of bombs out right she's like crying or something

she fucks it up like I'm not in the mood which is we're eating that's the best thing oh right yeah he's trying to eat this when you get the shot of like from where he's sitting you see what this is it's a bad job by the prop department it's just a like a plate of raw vegetables and he's at a diner in Brooklyn or like I don't think so

yeah you're you're getting something nice also you're you're depressed you're eating fucking hoagies left and right gravy on everything better gravy up those raw vegetables oh well actually but he's like really like man feelings depressed because he sits at his apartment oh god in the dark

and doesn't let anyone in and like even Kate Winslet's like always bringing him food just like hey i went to the place down the corner here's a plate full of food for you and then his landlord gets involved you mean Giuseppe just oh god this guy no it's fucking Jimmy Palumbo I think he's I think this is

he's celebrating a dozen times playing a superintendent of a building that dude's in everything or just a random tenant in a law and order episode yes he's he's helped out several different law and order police officers but yeah he's like oh you don't leave those don't leave that food out it It just goes to rot.

He's like, and he's not paying his rent either. Which, you get an idea, by the way, of what kind of people we're dealing with at this point because Kate Winslet is just like, all right, well, I'll pay his rent if it'll shut you up and let me get out of here. And she just like cuts this dude to check. Yeah, I'll pay one month of his rent of a one bedroom

and God knows where, like, off Prince Street. My God, Jesus Christ. Soho apartment. A Soho apartment. Wait, so does he live downtown and he works in Brooklyn? or I thought he lived in Brooklyn in the office is downtown? Oh, that's right, because he's always on the bridge.

Maybe he's in Dumbo. I see, you see him bike the same direction across the Manhattan Bridge from Manhattan to Brooklyn like seven times. I think it's just the same footage. The amount of dramatic, angry bicycling in this movie is really something else. Like, it is something else. There's like three different shots of him on the Brooklyn Bridge

with some fucking stupid muse song or who gives this shit going on. And then he angrily, bikes against traffic. Oh, he's going the wrong way in a one-way street. That's pretty great. I will tell you there is two kinds of depression in this world. Two kinds of movie depression in this world. There is movie depression and then there's rain over me movie depression.

And this is firmly in the rain over me camp. Oh, totally. Oh, that movie stinks too. That's a real stinker. What a buddy comedy. Adam Sandler and Will Smith being depressed together? Oh, I'd watch it actually. I wouldn't.

Around this time, Will Smith starts like almost. going to a grief group and you're like oh that makes a whole lot of fucking finally it's a group about you know it's a group that meets all the time it's the it's the dead kids club little wings or something like that yeah it's it's it's a it's a very sad name it's something like little wings tiny hearts it's the mini coffin grief society it'd be great if he goes there and he sees edward norton and he's like well hold on your your kid is a dead and he's like well I actually can't sleep and this This is the only way I can...

Oh, that's my club. Sorry, I got to go. I'm just going to take some cookies and coffee and get out of here. It's an AA meeting down the hall. Edward Norton and Helen A. Bonham Carter show up. And he's like, wait a minute. Man, that would have made for a great movie crossover.

Why not? It's right there. But it's run by Naomi Harris, who's having a great year, by the way. Great year. Not a great year for American accents, but a great year for her being... She's actually...

I mean, she's good in this movie. She's got... Diddy old dick. to do but you know she's got one important thing to do at the end there so like you know Naomi Harris is running it and Will Smith kind of goes but then doesn't and then the next time he does go in

or then she confronts him outside she's like hey hey my name's Naomi Harris what's your name and he's like oh my name is Will Smith I mean they have a real character my name is Will Smith that'd be great if he just said that Madeline and Howard

Madeline and Howard that they meet each other they shake hands and she's like oh you know I saw you almost trying to come in a couple times you know why don't you come in next time it'll be good for you stranger it's also yeah it's deeply inappropriate i mean you'll find out why this is happening this way yeah at the end of the movie but like the whole time i'm like don't like don't tell him that you've been seeing him outside yeah like don't be like saying you've got to say she says the name of her dead kid yeah like and like i get it you're running the cold tykes club and like i'm not

that one wins we can't make any more variance on that joke that one wins there it is cold tykes club it is and i'm used to this and i know how to do this uh-huh but i mean she's really like i feel like there's subtle ways to like get someone talking they've got to come to you man in this situation and it's also tell me your dead kids name what is the cold tyke's name it's also very very flirty you know what i mean Yeah. A little too flirty for my taste for the cold tikes club. Especially if you're like the attractive runner of the cold tikes club, you've got to be like cold.

You know what I mean? Like people, you give them a nice grief hug, but that's the end of it because I can't be getting involved. Offer them some coffee. We can't be codependently grieving together. It's probably not a great idea. No, that's real messy. And also, by the way, I apologize. I said anyone listening to who has a dead child, we're talking about movie dead kids, which is totally different.

I really wish, actually, if it was, if it was. it was a room full of action movie stars who all lost their kids it's Arnold Schwarzenegger and sabotage and like Jean Travolta and Face Off

Jean Travolta and Faisal Van Dam and time cops they're all there like I lost my child when she's like oh I lost my kid to a very rare form of cancer and then everyone else was like

well mine was a crime boss mine also was a crime boss here too terrorists they're all confused they're just like wait a second mine was a time boss from their future. Your kid wasn't taken

out by some sort of global terrorist bent on world domination. I was going to say, is it John Travolta, Jean-Claude Van Dam, and then exactly 12 Arnold Schwarzenegger's. Wait, how many times

does Arnold have a dead kid? Collateral damage. Sabotage for sure. Sabotage as well. I think at least two of the 80s ones. Maybe like, what's going on? Not raw deal.

Raw deal, he's fine. Commando, he's, saving his daughter. True lies he's saving his daughter. She makes it right out of that one, huh? Yeah. She makes it right out of true lies as well. I'll have to do. Excuse that one. Yeah. The Terminator can't breathe. He is sterile. I guess his adopted son, John Connor, makes it.

Well, that was the original idea for the third Terminator was him to just tinker with a little child robot for two hours. Oh no. And now the T1,000 killed my child. I have an even cold attack The T-250 is now an even cold attack That is rude But yeah So like they kind of have this awkward meeting And she's like

Why don't you come in next time He's like maybe I will And he's like he's very broken But he's actually talking to her which is weird And he says like you know I'm seeing these personifications of death And time and love And she's like

Well I think you should talk to them. I'm like, what? What terrible advice. I mean, when you start a grief group, they give you numbers and they're like, look, if somebody starts saying that they talk to people that aren't there, you tell them to see a real therapy. This is a private number that you're going to want to have to give them. Yeah, this guy needs medication because it's not okay. But also, and like, and I'm sorry, but like in this situation, you don't want to talk to anybody, you don't want to make any decisions about life. You don't, you know, you're sitting in a a dark room by yourself all the time

and won't eat. Yeah. Just kill yourself. Yeah. You know, I mean, like, hey, look. He's trying. He's not. I've seen no evidence other than, okay, I guess, in the middle of the street trying to run against traffic. I mean, that's a pretty public suicide attempt. I don't know what you're looking for. But that's just my point then. Like, at that point, you're looking to get killed. Oh, I see. He's not trying hard enough to commit suicide. Oh, that's your problem.

He's got to put some elbow grease into it, is what I'm saying. Well, I think he might be trying to starve himself. He also says something about like he only sleeps six hours a week. I was like, all right, so your brain's going to fucking sputter out at some point. Yeah, I mean this is fight club. This is exactly how fight club starts. Dude, imagine then if Edward Norton and Will Smith were the same

person. Yep. I like that. And it was a whole thing where like not only is Edward Norton divorced, but he's divorced because they have a dead kid. Exactly. And the girl that he's talking to that doesn't like him is his dead child. Oh, this makes perfect sense. Yep, there we go. And then where's my mine starts playing? The fucking building

blows up and credits. There we go. And then you get a punkierly, a punkierly dressed Kate Winslet, you know what I mean? Yes, she could do it. Yeah, she could do it. Kate Winslet from like Eternal Sunshine kind of look. And then Will Smith cries on meatloaf's breasts.

I guess. Yeah, that sounds like that sounds like a hit. Yep. Yeah, I like it. It worked once before. We can do it. So at this point, Edward Norton's like, you know, this isn't moving fast enough. We have this fake movie time. line where we need these papers signed on New Year's Eve. New Year's Eve, man, or else Gary Marshall is going to be really upset. All right, P. I know. You think he's going to get,

we need to really start thinking about who we got to talk about it now. You're right. Who's going to get farinated from the Oscars? Now, can you, Steve, for new listeners, because we drop this every now and again, it's something that you coin. When we say someone gets farinaed at the Oscars, what are you talking about? The in-memorium death montage, as we all know, only take so many people, apparently. They've got other things to get to on that show, like interpretive dance. So, an actor such as Dennis Frina, who's fantastic,

was not celebrated at the Oscars, and it happens every so often. Brad Renfrode that didn't get it. That's the alternate. Sometimes we do say you got Renfrode. So this year, most celebrities died. So chances are people are going to be left in the cutting room floor. I'm trying to think of who the big one's going to be.

I think Rickman's on the edge, man. They're not going to forget Rickman. Rickman was, early and there's a lot of fucking a lot of heaters at the end of the year. He was in Harry Potter though. Yeah, okay, that's fair. That's true. That's like the other thing. Like my part

of me was wondering if I'm an asshole. I forget the guy's name R2D2. Oh, Kenny Baker? Kenny Baker, but also Star Wars, so I feel like they can't. Yeah, and if you're doing Carrie Fisher, you got to get him to be like, oh wait, didn't someone else from Star Wars fucking die? Oh, the little guy, right? Oh, yeah. Kenny Baker's

dead. Get him in there. Okay, yeah, put up a mock hamill one. That's what we're going to need. I mean, I feel like Tim Rice is going nuts right now. They're doing a whole song for Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds, as they should. And I'm not trying to make glad that. That's still a little raw. It's very raw for me as well.

But a lot of people died this year. Some people's going to be ended up. Oh, you know who it is? Oh, please. Robert Vaughn. Robert Vaughn is getting ferrinud. Yep, Robert Vaughn will indeed. And that'll be a crime because Robert Vaughn was great.

Yep, he was great. And he will get for reinned. it at the Academy Awards. I almost guarantee you he's the one. That's a good call, Kevin. That's exactly what we'll leave it at that. As we think of these, I'll, you know, because I bet you they'll even put Leonard Cohn. I think Leonard Cohen maybe had been in one movie. He's been in some stuff, I think. You know what they do? They're going to do the, well, actually, Saturday Live already took it. But they're going to play Hallelujah as they do the montage. That way you're doing two birth ones done. They'll just show like a clip from McCabe and Mrs. Miller or something.

Yeah. I mean, they might. Just do so long Marianne. There are other good. Lenin Cohen songs. Yeah, there are other good grim Leonard Cohen songs. They're all grim. You could play over a death reel. So now that, well, this is a sad episode, I guess. But like, so,

Norton is like, this is working, this is not working. We need to, we need, I have a new game, end game, which is going to be. To fabricate evidence. The fabricate evidence to the legal trial. It'd be great if he got committed at the, if Will Smith, because of their,

fucking around got committed to the fucking sucker puncher's eye love it. And then finally commit suicide. Yes. Because he's like, okay, so what we're going to do, like Andrew said, is we're going to have all these three, you have to come back one more time, and we're going to, and Dad's going to film it, and then we're going to just take it out

in post. We're going to, we're going to digitally remove these three people from footage that Ann Dowd is shooting on a cell phone. And like, Helen Mirren is like the one that's the most into it. She's like, oh, this is the greatest role of my career. I can't to come back. Boy, that's annoying.

It is quite. Jacob Lettermore's like, I'm kind of in the middle. And then like what you would call it, Keir Knightley, she's out. It's difficult to have Curia Knightley and Kate Winslet in the same movie, just in terms of verbal only. Not as bad as Kiranightly and Natalie Portman in the same movie. No, yeah, that's difficult. Yeah, then you get yourself

a phantom menace, and that's a real problem. You get, but so she's like, I'm out, I don't want to do this anymore. So he has to, like, get the gang back together. Meanwhile, Helen Mirren finds out that Michael Pena is dying. He's like, you know, I was sick as a kid, and then I was sick in my 20s,

and now I'm sick again, and this is the last time. She's like, well, have you told your wife? And he's like, no, I haven't. He's like throwing up blood in toilets. Every, all around New York City. You're like, oh, is that Starbucks bathroom occupied? Oh, great, there's blood in it. Oh, no, the fucking New York bloody towel ripper struck again.

And like, he's like, have you told your wife? He's like, no, I haven't had the heart yet. I'm like, your wife, if I ever had cancer and I beat it, my fiancé, anytime I fucking farted would be like, are you all right? You got to go to the doctor. Got to go to the doctor. Get that fart checked out. Get that fart check right out. Also, he's leisurely like, he goes into a coughing fit, just leisurely talking to the personification of death. He's not like, oh, this is weird. You've probably been coughing like that for at least months now. But I think your wife doesn't know. Is she going to be like, oh, oh, that cold's been going on for two months now.

Boy, that's pretty bad. A cancer boy's got a real bad cough in there. Well, the end of the movie is she's like, did you tell your wife? And he's like, yeah, she knew all along. I was like, no shit. You're leaving fucking bloody towels all over the bathroom. But wait, was she just playing along? Like, oh, my silly husband and his cancer.

Well, I think it might be more like, you know, oh, he'll tell me in his own time. He also says that she had been, like, personally. making like preparing herself for his death which that's something you want to do by yourself i just imagine that like him like green sweating in bed like it's like hours away from the end and she is just at his bedside like sure you don't want to tell me anything anything at all i did i mean i know you got the saltines and the ginger are you sure there's nothing else wrong we're canceling brunch plans for the third week in a row um but yeah no you're fine right this is our uh but this this is our 15th uh delivery of blood

from uh there's a brown bile on all of the pillowcases that's great i was uh thinking about making plans for next christmas what do you think you'll be doing next christmas and you know it smells like skin and urine in here oh yew so uh you really want to tell me skin and urine at this point will smith works up the courage again to go to the grief group and he has another another flirty

chat with Naomi Harris they get like a drink or something yeah they go to like a restaurant romantic dinner it's very pretty and she's like oh you know my daughter's name is Olivia she died from this very specific rare kind of cancer and you know like she asks him

actually's like I'm guessing you're part of the 79% and he's like what is that means? She's like, you know, the 79% of people who lost a child, a couple who lost a child who get divorced, because obviously it's difficult. Read a play sometime. It's very difficult. Just one play. Yeah, just any old play. You'll find out that it's very difficult to lose a child. And she's like, oh, you know, my husband in the most, we did get divorce. And weirdly enough, when we got divorced, he did the most romantic thing that he ever did when we were married, which he gave me this little card and in the card it says

I wish we were strangers again or something like that. I wish we were strangers if only we could be strangers. Is that what it is? You're the only one who's seen this piece of shit twice. Twice in theaters. That's we could be strangers just for one day. Yeah, put that over the

It's going to be Bowie and Leonard Cohen. Yeah, you get you could get some hacks to come out and butcher some Bowie songs like they did the Grammys. You should go to fucking throw up. I just wanted to throw it. You know what, Lady Gaga?

I'm so happy that you love David Bowie. Look, thanks anyway. If you're watching the Grammys and I are expecting not to vomit, you've already lost the war. Yeah, you're going to peen you through that thing, man. How was the Grammys last night? Oh, I didn't throw up that much blood. Only ruined two towels.

And the towel budget in that house. Luckily, he's rich. Yeah, he's not for long, though. If this deal doesn't go, if the Omnicom money doesn't come through Andrew, You might, I don't know what, how many tell? Oh, my God. Yeah, the Omnicom ticking clock. I just imagine them cleaning the towel, like doing a watch of the towels.

And it's like Homer's pink shirt. Oh, hey, by the way, somewhere around here, Naomi Harris tells tale of when her child was dying in the hospital. Oh, yeah, this is in the romantic dinner. It's very important. Yeah, it's when we're having this romantic dinner, that Oak and Tavern that they out there. Yeah, which is exactly against the three-hour seminar she got at the Y about running your

own grief group. It's like number one, no romantic dinners. Yeah, don't go on a date. Don't go on a date. She's talking about when a kid was dying, she's out in the hospital hallway, and a homeless woman is sitting next to her. And the homeless woman turns

to her and says, who are you about to lose? She says my daughter. And the homeless woman's like, well, that's a real bummer man but by the way keep your eye on the collateral beauty she doesn't even say hey sorry

she just says be sure to keep an eye out for this bullshit called collateral beauty and for like the ninth time listening to the screenplay get played out on a screen I just went what the fuck are you talking about like what

on earth does this mean and the most bullshitty thing of this whole scene is you're going to wearing the nice piano bar wherever the hell we are they play the Vince Goraldi Charlie Brown song finishing up a fucking bottle of log of boole and a steak

but we cut to this hospital and it turns into peep show all of a sudden because we only see Naomi Harris from the POV of this old woman that they're not showing for some reason Andrew and I fucking started to dig it into my knees until I bled because I knew it was coming

and it pissed me off so much Oh, it just pisses you right off. This movie is aggravating. So in that scene, they say collateral beauty five times in three minutes. Oh, really? You counted? I counted. Good for you. Yeah, you knew it was coming, so you wanted to get a count on that. That's a lot for a titular line.

And by the way, all I could possibly bring myself to think about every time they were saying collateral beauty was speaking of Arnold is his big flip-out scene in collateral damage. when they're like, well, your family was collateral damage. And he's like, collateral damage, collateral damage. I'll show you collateral damage. And he starts, like, fucking up that office. That's cut. I really did want Will Smith to start doing it. Like, collateral beauty.

Was my daughter? Collateral beauty? Was my wife collateral beauty? No, it's just in the grief group. Collateral beauty. What are you talking about? Van Dam, let's get out of here. Oh, yes.

My wife was not collateral beauty either. That is such bullshit. My daughter was not collateral beauty. Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha. Jean-Covander. It's all of them and then Amy Adams from a rival. And she just goes, I saw it was coming. You know, it was a little easier for me, you guys.

I had time to think it through, really come to terms. Turns out I brought it on myself. By the way, Will Smith, I've seen the end of this movie, and it's bullshit I'm also part of the Heptipods told me the end of this movie was bullshit I'm also part of the

79% Jeremy Renner had some problems spoiler alert I'm so pissed off the fucking Heptipods spoiled the end of your stupid hey Will Smith get ready

it's fucking stupid bye thank you so much bye oh Amy Adams would you like to be in Collateral Beauty as the as the personification of love. Oh no, but thank you so much. That sounds like total fucking trash. Thank you though.

Oh, this script is cancer. Goodbye. Goodbye. Thank you. No, that's great. Thanks for nothing, though. Oh, thank you. Oh, you just, you could have dirtied up your foot and put it on a piece of paper. It'd be the same thing. It'd be the same exact thing. Sorry, that sounds great, but I only like being in good movies. Ooh. Thank you. Five times. Tissular line five times in three minutes. That's weird because my movie is about the arrival of aliens. I don't even think we say arrival once i don't know just just different different strokes for different folks thank you though that's so weird and also i don't think anyone

says nocturnal animals in all my other movie i have this year but you say your title three times in five minutes oh that's that's a choice so that is that scene at this point edward norton goes back to

kira nightly because he needs to get the whole I mean, also, by the way, you don't need three of these conversations for this, like, stupid boardroom meeting you're going to have. One's enough. One's plenty. But he's still trying to get it wet with Kiri Knightley. That's the whole thing. I think that is more of the motivation than he really wants to get this footage figured out. So he goes to Kiry Knightley and she's, they're under the Brooklyn Bridge.

They might be in, like, Jersey City or Battery Park. I'm not sure. They're in Dumbo. They're in Dumbo. Jersey City under the Brooklyn Bridge. I'm sorry. I meant to say, well, you see the Freedom Tower, whatever. They're in, they're in, they're like, near like, Grimold.

days. Yeah, yeah. So he's like, oh, you're doing it, putting a play on here, too. She's like, yeah, you know, I've got a lot of a lot of stuff going on. And he's like, yeah, that's pretty cool. Hey, you really should do this weird scam that I'm putting on. You know, I had my scam all set up and I really liked

it. You are fucking up this scam. And also, if you don't participate in round two of the scam, there's even less of a chance I can sleep with you, which is honestly something I'm trying to put together. So she's like, well, you know, what about your daughter and he's like

what about my daughter? Oh man and he even does the stupid line which if you've been watching this movie you know what's kind of going on and she's like what about your daughter? He's like my daughter I don't think I told you about my daughter yeah oh sure

you just you get like just the tiniest little whiff you're like oh collateral beauty who farted did someone fart what was that oh collateral beauty what was that they just let it go And she's like, tell me about, you know, the day your daughter was born. And he goes into this fucking pile of horseshit that Olivier couldn't make work.

I mean, poor Edward Norton, man. It stinks, man. It is so sad. You know, he was, he was our greatest white actor. And then Michael Keaton took the slot. And he's never been the same. They had a white guy actor off in Birdman. Michael Keaton won.

Yep. It was a comeback. I mean, he was the comeback kid. He came back from clean and sober and Batman. Yeah. And I mean, but, like, Edward Norton's been on a bit of a kind of a run. He's been doing a lot of good Wes Anderson movies. You get yourself into that.

Wes Anderson camp, man, you'll be all right. That's what you want. I mean, I don't like Birdman. A lot of people do it. It won a lot of Oscars than it should have, you know? So, like, that's a good movie. He's trying to pull himself out of that painted veil spiral. Oh, the illusionist.

Oh, my God. That might be a stay tuned, actually. I would check that out again. I remember liking it at the time. That was during the, uh, what was that was the magician craze of 2006? That and the prestige Yeah, we had two magic movies Definitely more antlers than the illusionist

A lot more Giamati A lot more Giamati That's correct But he doesn't like ball crushing in that No Not at least on the screen A lot less Bowie in that movie Yeah that's too bad

But yeah so like I don't know He has the line where he's Does he say fucking collateral beauty too? No it's even worse Actually it's not but he has a terrible line when he's like, not only did I feel love, dot, dot, dot, then the screenwriter went up, took a huge shit, came back to his desk, sat back down and wrote, but I became love. Oh, shudder. I am love, destroyer of careers.

And Curnelly's like, you know, you've never been more attractive to me than right now. He's like, oh, let me keep talking about when my daughter was birthed then. whatever you're into lady whatever gets you going and so then she basically says like if you go and make up with your daughter make an effort with your daughter to patch up the relationship

I'll be in round two of the scam I'll fucking drive the getaway car or whatever the fuck with this illegal horse shit that you're doing I'll help this corporate malfeasance lawsuit sail right by Unbelievable. So we all agree to do this. I think there's one more scene where Jacob Lattermore goes up to Kieran Knightley and he's like, oh, by the way, he goes, hey, Homa, way to get much pregnant. Well, no, he's like, oh, I see you're trying to get Princeley. You said Kieran Knightley.

Fuck. Kate Winslet, I see you're trying to get pregnant. And she's like, yeah, but whatever. Which is kind of that entire thread. Well, because she keeps going on sperm bank website. She's got websites up. She's got pamphlets all over her desk. How about getting fucked? That's a great thing. How about getting fucked? That's the name of your sperm toer website. It was immediately closed down by every agency that can close a website.

Google ripped it from its search alerts. You've tried the rest. Now try the best. Oh, yeah, yeah. GettingFucked.com. You know, there's a lot, there's a lot of expensive ways to make a baby these days.

You want to drop 20 grander? How about getting fucked? In vitro fertilization? How about in stevedro fertilization? How about getting fucked? I just imagine this as a radio ad with girl from epanema in the background. Having trouble getting pregnant.

We've all been there I'm not getting fucked promo code getting fucked He used promo code Getting Fugged To take 20 bucks off the whiskey You have to buy me In this weird system

Whiskey you have to buy yourself Yeah Actually that goes both ways And then 1 877 cars for kids Well 877 getting fucked to have it one eight seven seven fucking around one eight seven seven fucking around

oh man that's stupid uh so we get to round to the scam and it's basically so jake laddimore comes up he starts skitching on the back of will smith's bike will smith hits the brakes kid goes flying he starts yelling at him again and will smith this is the best part of the movie will smith in a fit of rage throws this kid's skateboard across the street It's the funniest thing you'll ever see.

And you see Ann Dow, and it keeps doing the same thing, because we know what the movie is. Right. But they keep cutting to end out filming? Yep. I get it. She's just standing there, like, very obviously filming with a cell phone. A cell phone, by the way.

Not a DTV cam, not a really nice fucking, not a red. I was going to say, it all looks like it's from a red. Oh, my God. She's standing there holding a big Alexa on her shoulder. She's got a steady cam harness on the front. You wouldn't need it. I mean, because the plan is to digitally remove people from this shot. I mean, what would be hilarious if they were all wearing, like, mocap outfits, like,

Jacob Lattimore, he's got all these red spandex with black balls all over him. That would make a little bit of sense. Will Smith's like, what are you wearing? He's like, it's a time costume. Shut up. That's what would all of us personifications of abstractions wear? it's spandex and black dot so then

he goes to take the F turn he's having a bad day and wouldn't you know it Helen Mirren gets on with him and she starts talking to him and he tells her off he's like oh you know everybody he just kind of runs through

it's probably his best acting in the movie it's not bad in this I don't think he's bad I don't actually think really anybody's bad in it the problem is it's a putrid fucking script this is the best case I think we have the whole month of worst of 2016

of like this is just a garbage pile of screenwriting and you have hired or tricked several really talented people to be in this terrible movie and in this scene where he's got this big monologue and it's about like you know religion ain't doing it for me people offer this that that ain't doing it for me like he's got this big thing he says to her

and I was sitting there thinking like I hate this movie but this is good like he's doing a good job. And then by like the tail, tail end of it, I don't remember what the line is, but there's some, it just reminds you that this is just terribly written because he's got some line where you're like, oh, there go the eye rolls again.

Well, he starts singing row, row, row, row your boat. Oh, that's what it is. That's exactly what it is. He sings row, row, row, row your boat. He's talking about religion and literature and poetry, and then he sings row, row, row, row, your boat. But the funny thing is, Ann Dowd is on the F train sitting down. She should be standing to get a better

shot. Sitting down, and her whole camera is obscured by Helen Mirren. Yeah. Like it's it's obscured entirely by Helen Mirren. And let me tell you, when someone's filming you on the subway, you see it. Yes. Like you never want to, like listen, if you're coming to this town for

anything, there's like a crazy guy in the train or the fucking, it's showtime dancers or whatever. Don't film it because they will see you and you'll get called out for it. Like, and that, like, Will Smith should be like, why the fuck are you filming me? Haven't I seen you before? Like something has to give with

scam. So she does that and then he goes out on the street. He can't get to fucking work. And he gets accosted by Kieran Knightley, who actually puts him in his place, kind of. I think that's how that works. She's like, yeah, I'm love. You can't live without love. You need love. Oh, my God,

you need love. And one might say all you need is love. How's a shitty cover of that song, not in this movie? That's a great question. It wasn't directed by Julie Tameor. That movie fucking reeks. Speaking of shit

what's he across the universe yeah oh yeah fucking turd and a half thank God for Westworld

huh Evan Rachel Wood Jim Sturgis just had to be in that Bronx show with David Schwimmer

which I never saw oh were there like chefs or so what's it called Beast Wars oh feed

the beast I'm David Schwimmer now I'm David Schwimmerer now I'm going to turn into a seredactal

oh no flap flap oh great Oh, great. Looks like I'm laying another egg. Remember my partner, Jim Sturgis? He's a saber-toothed tiger. His 2000 alt haircut turns into a saber-toothed tiger.

And he does a bad American accent. Probably. But, I don't know where it was going. Tamar talking about love. And out films that as well. So now it's the big meeting. It's New Year's Eve, I guess, or whatever. fuck so they call a competency

hearing at the board and I mean this board you want to save some money sure if your company is underwater yes whatever this TV setup is is wrong well how else are you going to introduce Robocop this is my question

how are you going to do it because they're in a boardroom a nice boardroom you know glass everywhere and this TV set up it's like it's overproduced over design overset design the way ESPN shows are overset design? Yes. You know, where you spend $2 million

on a fucking TV that's showing you the same six highlights forever? Dude, the sets on ESPN, let me tell you, I don't need to feel like I'm watching sports news from the fucking future. Exactly. Just get a person at a desk and call it a day. At Christmas, you can have like some nice

poinsettas on the desk next to it. But we have to stop the madness of these ESPN sets. And it's not just the shows. It's the radio shows that they film. You see that? set on Mike and Mike in the morning? That thing. My lord, you're not hosting the Tonight Show. And you know, and the robot butler on Mike and Mike in the morning, he does not like the Mets. And that drives me crazy.

But they have this stupid thing and like, they have the, they have all, they show all the footage. And I don't know who, ILM must have been involved. Because it is, it's exactly the same thing, wherein Will Smith is throwing, not a skateboard, but literally nothing. And he's, you yelling on the train, even though Ann Dowd's camera was totally obscured by Helen Mirren. What are we talking about? I want the deleted scene where Ann Dowd has to get on a plane and fly from New York to California so she can get to the fucking Skywalker Ranch and have George Lucas and his cronies take out all of these people. All right. So, so it's a cell phone cam.

That's not great. So does she want Peter Cushing in it or does she not want Peter Cushing in? I can get Peter Cushing in this thing like that. That's a no. All right, guys, it's a no for Cushing. It's a no for Cushing. I know, this video gets Cushing. This video doesn't get Cushing.

You want to take out the skateboard, do you? I actually took a skateboard out of the Phantom Manifference. It was originally in there. You know, here's just a quick suggestion, Stephen. When you're taking out the skateboard, why don't you have Will Smith throw some blue milk? Maybe he throws a pitcher of warm blue milk. You know, just get Peter.

kissing in there. I mean, he could be in the background. Maybe he's serving some doback milk. Boy, I'm thirsty. You know, we could get James Earl Jones back here. You could voice love for us. Yeah, but sure enough. I mean, like, yeah, to your point, like, there needs to be, like, a guy in the ad. Like, get Josh Gad, who's, like, a guy that knows how to do digital effects.

Because I just don't buy that she's just able to do this. Like, she's a private eye. It makes no sense. So they have this meeting and Will Smith starts crying and he's like, oh my God, look at my madness. And everyone feels like shit. It's actually pretty good acting because everyone on the other side of the table does not feel very good. Also what's uncomfortable is this lawyer is grilling him. And he's like, who are you talking to on that train?

Who are you talking to on that train? Who are you talking to on that train? What did you throw there, Will Smith? Looks like you threw some du back milk. And then like Kate Winslet. How do you know Peter Cushing? He's been dead 20 years. And then Kate Winsland has to be like, that's enough. We're destroying this man.

So he basically, they stop short of telling him exactly what happened. Kate, Kate Winslet's about to do it. And Edward Nguyen, it's like, shut up. He said, no, no, no, yeah, that's fine. We're all sorry. Yeah. But then, like, what should have called? Will Smith apologized to all three of them.

And he's like. Such poor shit. He's like, oh, you know. He's like, and he knows everything that's going on in their lives. He's like, you know, uh, Michael. Wikipedia, everybody knows you're dying. I used the bathroom after you and almost threw up.

Could you keep it inside the house, please? He's like, you know what, Kate Wilson? I've walked by your desk. Listen, I know you keep forgetting this is an open air office space, but stop leaving sperm bank websites up on your computer. Lock your screen, man. When you go to

the bathroom, lock your screen. Listen, I can't tell you how many times I've walked by that desk and on your Mac laptop, I see isn't it easier to get fucked.com or whatever it was? And frankly, I wouldn't even have to walk around the, you know we have interns everywhere. Oh, how about getting fucked? I'm sorry, yes.

We have interns everywhere. And all they are talking about is the baby machine that you want to make. And then he's like, he's, and by the way, this is like the saddest dressing down I've ever seen because then he's just like, and Edward Norton stop being such a fucking coward and go spend time with your daughter. don't wait for her permission you're a father go force yourself on your daughter whoa wait a second not that this isn't the fucking donald trump moving and he's yeah and he's again also i might have a vested interest in seeing in telling you that you should get back to your daughter because guess what time is short she might have a rare cancer disease and everyone feels bad and he's like oh you know i'll sign away this i'll sign away my stock you don't really know what he signs away i guess he's

He signs away... He signs a death certificate, doesn't he? Well, he signs the... He signs two documents. The first one is him removing himself as like a decision-making stake in the company. Okay. So they can then, like, sell over to Omnacom.

Omnacom is ready for it. They're going to work at fucking drooling. On 1231 at 8 o'clock at night, they're going to put this paperwork through to nobody. Oh, sure. So that's one. And then the other thing that the lawyer says, because they're like, what was that? He walked, he signs the other. you call me six times to sign this other thing, let me sign it.

He signs it, and he leaves very sadly. And they're like, what was that second thing you wanted him to sign? A bunch of nosy Nellys. And the guy's like, oh, he set up a trust in his daughter's name and put a bunch of money in it. And he has to sign a thing that confirms that she's dead. I love the idea of him going, hey, that little girl's been dead for two years. That stock is doing nothing right now. Howard, Howard, Howard, Howard, pick up this.

phone. Howard, this is your lawyer speaking. You got a cold tyke on your hands here and I need you to sign off on her.

I went over to her grave the other day and I pissed on it. I'm hoping just to get a reaction out of you at this point. Now, Howard, obviously the law wants to make this

as uncomfortable as possible so you have to come in and tell a strange white man that your daughter is dead. Confirm it. Howard! Call me back. Merry Christmas.

So then we have a scene where like all of our actors get paid and it's like Michael Peña gives Helen Mirren a check like outside of his building the most he confirms to Helen Mirren like oh I told

my wife she's okay with it or whatever and she's like oh you know this was the greatest role I've ever played and in Helen Mirren's mind she's like no it's not no it's not this is what performance is even that third time

I played the queen It was better than this Yeah, so that's that And then Edward Norton Goes and makes up with his daughter That's a scene we sort of have Yeah, she's basically

And this girl talks like She's 42 years old And then at Woody Allen movie man Because he comes up to her And he's like As she's getting out of a very Studio private school And he's like

Oh hey She's like dad get out of here I told you don't like you He's like yeah Well I'm going to be here Whether you like it or not I'm going to be here every day And if you don't have I get to see you for one minute, blah, blah, blah.

And he's like, what are you stalking me now, dad? Ew. And it's like, well, this girl wouldn't know what stalking is. And she's like, I'm going to get a restraining order against you or some non-saint. You know what? It all sucks. And she's like, oh, by the way, you know, if you are going to stalk me tomorrow, I get out at a half day.

And it's like, oh, that's going to mend. That's going to mend quite nicely. And that's definitely going to be a healthy relationship in a couple of years, I'm sure. And then we get, it's a big load of horse shit. and it's a big fuck you to the people writing this movie so Kate Winslet gets off the one train

at 181st Street Washington Heights right totally fucking fine neighborhood and she gets out and fucking guns are going off and we're blaring rap music and people are yelling

and scream she comes out in the fucking Terminator Warzone Simon Phoenix is on a corner on a box at the other corner of some guys yelling Can you dig it?

Exactly. And she's fucking yelling at this Jacob Lattimore, like, well, you brought me up to this fucking shithole. And I was like, I live blocks from there. She's like, it's totally fine. She's like to give you $20,000 in cash, which this guy accepts. And he's like, yeah, you know, she's like, you should take an acting class. You're really good.

He's like, yeah, okay. You should take some improv classes over at the magnet. Oh, yeah, get in a 101 class there. Hey, hey, do you want to waste that? Yeah, you ain't wrong. But she's like, yeah, you should do that. And he's like, yeah, maybe I will. And they have another stupid, like, concept about time.

He's like, hey, guy, there's still time to go get knocked up. Talk to your later, movie. I got this car from a website. This short, weird guy gave it to me. How about getting fucked.com? No, but the funny thing is, no, what he does is basically say, like, listen, lady, you can adopt. Because that's what that's basically, he's like, oh, you know, my dad was. this was my barber and he always gave me great things to say

and my mother was this lady that lived under under the fucking subway or something and she had funny things to tell me they were really who raised me you don't have to like the kid doesn't have to be yours to be yours or whatever just fucking adopt lady you're 40 years old fucking adopt and it's such a weird coincidence man because it turns out that that's also the title of the new play I'm writing

the barber and the homeless woman oh that's beautiful yeah it's totally weird I can't believe it so wait is are you going to expand in the How about adoption? Well, that's, how about fucking adoption? Well, that's what happens afterwards when nothing goes on. Well, you can always adopt, lady, what are you on from me? Sorry.

Oh, mercy. So, it's Christmas Eve. It's Christmas Eve, actually. So they get this done before the bizarre job. Yeah, you're right. It's not New Year's Eve. It's Christmas Eve. We're fine.

We're fine on time for Omnicore or whatever. And, like, you're like, oh, well, this movie's been over for a little while. Sure has. here. He goes to Naomi Harris's place. And this actually did surprise me. Andrew, did you see this coming? The twist that we're about to talk about? Oh, yeah. Really? Okay. I was surprised. I was like, oh, he's just going to go there. I either thought... I mean, I didn't see it miles away. Actually, you know what? No, I shouldn't say that. I said that way too gavelier. I eventually, like, sniffed it out as the scene was playing on. Because I started elbowing cabin and screaming in the theater. The first time you saw this, Chris, did you see it? Yeah, I mean, it was in the scene, but beforehand, no. Because I was like, all right, she's either, The personification of something else, maybe like remorse or maybe she's like, I don't know, maybe she's even God herself. Well, maybe it's like the Santa Claus 3 and she's fucking Jack Frost. Oh, my God. What if she is Santa Claus?

Naomi Harris is Santa Claus. Or baby New Year. So either that or that they were just going to get together and that would be sweet and they would get each other through their grief. So he shows up at her place and he's like, oh, she's like, you know, I usually spend New Year's Eve, Christmas Eve alone. And he's like, do you mind if you break that rule? And I'm like, oh, that's nice. And they go in. And there's this picture, this little girl, Drew, that says, best mom ever on it, which is like a bit much.

You know, that might have been a bit of a heavy hand there. It's New Year's, or is it Christmas Eve? I'm just in here watching videos of my dead daughter. Yeah. Oh, yeah. She says, I'm watching videos of my dead daughter with her father. And she keeps saying, like, my daughter's name was Olivia. She was six years old.

She died of this rare disease She repeats the same thing His name was Robert Paulson His name was Robert Paulson Over and over and over again And wouldn't you Bloody Mary, bloody Mary Bloody Mary bloody Mary

Wouldn't you know it Will Smith She was Will Smith's wife The whole time The whole time The whole time And she's like say it Motherfucker

Say it sing it sister And he's like My daughter's name was Olivia She was six years old She had this rare disease And he starts like crying and shit And we show a video Of them playing Domino

together and then swinging around at the park. I mean, like, I just feel like certain things, like if I, I don't have kids, but if I did, I would try not to take such precious videos because I just feel like you're tempting fate. Don't write, don't give me a picture as best

dad ever on it because I don't want that haunting me when you. It's like, it's like Steve will have home movies Chris, but it's more like ah, yeah, here's me up at 4 a.m. changing a shitty diaper. Precious memories. Nothing too sappy.

I don't want my kid to die. It's true. But, uh, yes. You're a mediocre father. I certainly would be. Um, meet me in person and you'll definitely know that. And yeah, I mean, like, it's sad and stuff. And it's so stupid.

It's so stupid that they went through this, this twist. It's so stupid. This fucking certified copy charade that we're playing in here. And the fucking video looks like it just got. a 4K restoration from the fucking film center. I mean, it looks great. This footage looks great. Why do you digitally remove that kid from there if it's that easy?

I just watch Will Smith dancing around on a playground by himself. It's just, and I mean, like, how is this a thing? I'm sorry, but how is this a thing? She's going through her own grief. Like, I don't have time to be playing this game with you and, like, pretending that there's an audience watching, like, you would just talk to each other. But the other thing is, like, so are they? fake divorced?

I think there's a real divorce. They are real divorce because she says the day that we got the, the day that my husband and I got divorced, he gave me this card. Oh, okay. So the papers have had, have dried. But this is what's totally unclear to me. And I do not think that the movie gives an answer. Is he fucking crazy and like doesn't recognize what's going on?

Or are they both in on it? They're both in on it. Both in on it. They think they're both in on it. They're playing the skin. Because he wrote that. car like let's be strangers so she like starts this weird game so we're gonna be strangers and then in breaking down everything that we've like built up as a couple like as this relationship i'm gonna

fucking tear it to shreds yeah because i love you so much then we can be we can go back to being strangers you'll randomly decide whenever you want to to walk back into my life and we'll start building again well that's the thing is i think all of this i mean i think there's a much sicker sicker thing going on here. I think they even made up. How about just getting fucked.com? I know what I think yeah. How about you? How about just fucking this lady.com? I don't even think the kid died of cancer. Oh no.

I think they killed the kid for their own jollies. Oh wow. For the insurance money you think? And then they got to play their little game. Dude, talk about some SVU shit. This is twisted, man. That's a twisted. That is some collateral damage or collateral beauty, which everyone this is called. No, that was the collateral

damage of collateral beauty. Oh, wow. It's collateral damage. That's ghost. alone. We're leaving this grief group. Why am I here? I don't think I ever had a dead kid in anything. Oh, my wife dies demolition man, but that's from old age.

Or whatever. Does Rocky have any dead kids? No. No, like a pet probably. Rambo's kind of a broken man. There's got to be some skeletons in that closet. Yeah, there's some. Um, so the last shot of the movie, by the way, we go to Central Park.

Well, there's two, aren't there? It's a double shot. So it was, what's yours? Because first it go, well, because, oh, I'm sorry, the, uh, the ghost dominoes get pushed over. Oh, right. Her dead soul knocks down the last domino tree. Oh, wait. I didn't know it. It was a ghost that did that. Dude, you're looking at, like, he's, Will Smith has set up yet another domino display. Okay. And it goes back to the office. Like, nobody's there. What with it being Christmas? and it's just look at this beautiful domino set up and it just goes ink and a domino totally falls over dude yeah that sucks yeah ghost girl that leads us into ghostgirl.com the second flashback to the scene outside of when Naomi Harris is saying goodbye to her kid yeah and we talked about the scene before oh very yeah yeah and so she's sitting in this fucking chair with this

homeless woman next to her. What a dirty bag of dog shit this movie is. She's dressed in all blue, Andrew. How about that? And then, like, so Naomi Morris is like sitting there and the lady's like, so who are you losing, hon? And then she's like, oh, my daughter, but, but, but, you know. Oh, well, I'm definitely not going to say condolences.

And be kind spirit, but don't forget, turn head, Helen Mirren. The collateral beauty. Fucking suck it. suck it movie suck it and then we go to central park and sure enough it's the three of the helen it's Naomi harris and will smith are walking hand in hand they're having a nice day yeah and will smith looks back and sees all of his friends all of his ghost friends uh kira nightly jacob ladamore and helen mirren on the on on on on a bridge in central park yep and then he looks back

and then Naomi harris looks back and they're like that they're gone because they were ghosts the whole time or whatever or their their magic the whole time just just just what what are you talking about what what a roundabout way to get here

where did that money go that's that's the most important thing how are we cashing that check what is he doing with the cash I imagine St. Peter's taking it 60 grand two checks and one bag full of 20 grand where did that money go

I think it went to that home was woman under the bridge. I just can't. And you know what? Poor Michael Pena's kids are starving in the street. Meanwhile, these ghosts have lied their

fucking pockets. Well, I could have paid for your education, but instead I decided to do something criminal. But that's what's so insane though,

is they hear his whole story, his whole motivation of like, I want to leave my family with something. I need to make sure the company is secure. You know what?

I'm sure this. sale to Omnicom is huge and whatever, but you know what also helps? An extra rainy day 20K sitting around. Maybe. Like, Helen Mir, here's what it has to. It has to She takes a check from a dying

man. It has to be this. He gives the check. She goes, this was the greatest performance of my life. Tears that check up. Yes. And that's the end of it. Because my Lord, the fucking specter of death doesn't need $20,000. You know what? Actually, I just realized.

I think, I mean, so like, the river sticks is what? A couple hundred years ago we're talking about? Or maybe even over a thousand years ago? The river sticks? Yeah, you know, you pay the boatman on the river sticks. Yeah, probably more than a couple hundred years ago. I'm bad with math. So however long ago that is, it was just two coins on your eyes.

Right. Now it's 20G. Oh, shit. Yeah, inflation, man. You put 10 grand on each eyeball. That's where you have to write the Reaper a check for 20K, 20 large. Back when Clinton. Britain was running the country.

It was just two pennies. Dude, let me tell you, we think we don't have a problem with money in this world. You've got to pay 20 grand to get the other side. Not to mention the funeral expenses. My God, Liberty Mutual is going to fucking eat you alive. It is such

a racket. That whole thing is such a fucking racket. That's an interesting connection because, you know, as some people know, I did have a lost a member of my family a few weeks back. And so sitting here watching this movie, which is such a fucking dick head piece of shit

I'm uplifting you to deal with your grief sad audience member fucking suck it movie but it does remind I mean we were sitting there driving out of the cemetery and my mom's talking about oh there was this cost there was that cost blah blah blah and I'm like what a fucking racket

this whole goddamn thing I was like you know what just light me up light me up fucking set it on fire on a cliff and I just fizzle out into the ocean I don't I don't need an Undertaker to get a fucking penny out of my family. But the Reaper's got to get his due.

20K, man. I will fucking wander this plane for eternity, man. 20K to the Reaper. I don't think so. It might be 30 by the time you go. I'm just imagining that at the end of Manchester by the sea. They just pour hundreds of dollars on Kyle Sandler's face. Got to pay him up.

Here we go. That's it. Make sure you get to the afterlife. got to sell that boat you got to sell that boat it's 20k you're dumping all over this body a bag full of lobster rolls for good luck man that movie

fucking sucks not Manchester Mountain C which is excellent but collateral beauty sucks what a fucking stink fest in the it was not nominated for any golden gloves no I mean it's universally pan it's not getting nominated for anything right

maybe a couple of razzies uh oh well I mean because what was the one that did extremely loud and incredibly that was the horrible tearjerker that won that got a bunch of globe nomination at the end it snuck right in because Tom Hanks is in it they have to give it a fucking nomination yeah I don't know I mean maybe

the academy is sometimes weird it wouldn't shock me if something got something from this stupid movie the only thing I think that you could even think of and I already think it's too crowded of the slate to begin with is Will Smith for best lead. That's not happening. I know it's what I'm saying. I just, I don't see any other way. Yeah, you're probably right. You're probably right. You know, it's like...

It's terrible. It's so, so terrible. You've got no conclusion to any of those characters. I'm sorry. All of the, like, the final time we see Kate Winslet and Edward, I mean, Edward Norton comes the closest. Yeah, he's like... Michael Pena, I guess so. Kate Winslet,

she's just left in Washington Heights, a neighborhood she considers to be a fucking war zone. Yeah, I mean, 20K lighter. I don't know where that came from. I mean, she could have used adoption. Adoption is very expensive in case anyone's wondering ghosts. You know? I need a shot of her. Either she's fucking picking a kid up at the airport or at the sperm bank after all or whatever it is. Yeah. Something. And Edward Norton is actually hanging out with his daughter, not this fucking crass conversation they have outside of the men.

What a scam they're running on Omnicom, by the way. So Omnicom comes in, right? They're paying Let me tell you the good people at Omnickel. They come in, they're going to pay $17 a share for this company that they expect Will Smith to be lead creative on. They want Edward Norton there, you know, pulling, you know, leading the ship. You've got Kate Winslet as well. Creative genius Michael Pena. Yeah, exactly.

All of them. And by the end of this movie, Will Smith quits. Michael Pena is dead. Kate Winslet is going to be adopting a kid. That's a bunch of half days. and now all of a sudden, you know, what should you recall it? Edward Norton's leaving at three every day. Like, what is going to be done here?

Omnacom, these briefs need to be written. Omnicom got ripped off, okay? I would have struck a much better deal for Omnicom. This is ridiculous. All right, they got fooled by a bunch of ghosts. No, they hand over the whole corporation to Josh Gad. Oh, right. Maybe Ann Dowd has a nice little,

Heard a weird kid's sidekick. Oh, what a piece of shit. The kid kicks his fucking feet up on an office on the desk. What a piece of shit. When this eventually comes to home video, no one will recommend it. I mean, you could still see it now, I think. Someone somewhere can. Do not go to the theaters.

I don't know. It's almost a seeing is believing because it's so ridiculous. It's in that realm. It's a wait for HBO Go. Yes, yeah, that's exactly what it is. I mean, let me tell you, your generous Patreon bucks paid for us to go see the fucking thing. God bless you. Thank you so much.

Bless you every day. But, I mean, just wait for HBO go. You have to, yeah. It's not a recommend. No, absolutely not. Oh, that felt good. That was a fun one. I hated that movie. That's Collateral Beauty, everybody.

2016. 2016, indeed directed by Dave Frankel. If you want more WHM, check out WHMpodcast.com. Like us on Facebook. us on Twitter. We are at WHM podcast and right into the mailbag. We all hate movies at gmail.com. Rate and review

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Dispatch. All sorts of stuff. So check out patreon.com slash we hate movies. See how you can get more comedy out of the stones that are the four of us. So next week, worst of 2016 continues. Oh, is it that

filthy fucking comedy. Yeah. Dirty grandpa. Dirty grandpa. Oh, it's gross. It's so gross this movie, you guys. I'll leave you with this image. Robert De Niro, pleasuring himself to pornography. Yeah, take that and just put it in your back pocket until next week. Until then,

I'm Andrew Jupin. Chris Cabin. Take it easy.