We Hate Movies - S7 Ep285: Episode 285 - Gods of Egypt

Episode Date: January 24, 2017

This week on the show, the guys chat about the silly, gold-bleeding, CGI dump, Gods of Egypt! Why was it so hard to cast even one Egyptian actor in a lead role here? What's with all that gold blood? And who thought that this human/god height difference idea was so cool? PLUS: Until he lost his eye, Peter Falk was totally an animorph! Gods of Egypt stars Brenton Thwaites, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Gerard Butler, Bryan Brown, Chadwick Boseman, Elodie Yung, Courtney Eaton, and Geoffrey Rush; directed by Alex Proyas.Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I kind of don't know what this movie's about. It's Gods of Egypt. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadek. Eric Siska. Chris Cabin. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies.

Thank you for tuning in, as always, this week. Some of the worst of 2016 month continues here on the program. We're talking about Gods of Egypt. It's directed by, I will say, Fall from Grace director, Alex Proyas. This guy just keeps getting worse. Yeah, that's true. He keeps getting worse. I think he's done.

I think that's the end of it. Is this the end of it? Really? I guess this was a big flop, like a big flopper? This is one of those. It made money, but barely. Barely. And it was also one of those situations where the guy,

and you can smell the desperation from a fucking mile away. There is a desperation. He blamed the failure of it at the box office on critics. Oh, yeah, yeah. He's one of those guys. You know what, here's the deal. I know some of your kind like to think this is true. Sure.

You don't wield that power. No. Of course we don't. Is everybody fucking stupid? Of course we don't. Transformers movie, ladies and gentlemen, critics can't have any say. There were three hangover movies, man.

Do you think we have any power? Shut up. That's two and a half too many. Gerard Butler. We got Jamie Lannister. We got some little kid. Who could care. I think he's part mosquito.

That's how annoying this guy is. I think he's the giver. Oh, the giver. Oh, the giver. He's the giver. I think he's a giver. You're right. What's the tomato meter say about the giver?

I think it's a rousing success, a 72. Oh, really? No, it's not. It's like a 12. Oh, nobody likes that. And this young fellow is playing a character named Beck, the traditional ancient Egyptian name. He's trying to define the logic of our sex laws is the thing. Calling out O'Dillay as he does it.

Yeah, Gerard Butler is a real midnight vulture. Yeah, oh, he definitely is, dude, taking in the night. Yeah, Brendan Thwait said, yeah, I might be a loser, baby. So why don't you kill me, right, guys? Oh, man, hey, who here's a Gen Xer? Oh, man, you know, we're sitting here in the We Hate Movie Studio, man. We got two turntables and a microphone sitting right over there. But speaking of Gen Xers, the credits, the opening credits for this, I thought I was getting ready for a Godsmack video.

Oh, yeah. Dude, voodoo was about to kick in. The font. The font is a vibrance. Ladies and gentlemen, it's downright vibrating. You like a good vibrator? I do, but not on my font. My fucking balls.

You want it on your back? Oh, that's just... Oh, mercy. Who else is here? Electra, she's hanging out. Yeah, Melody Young played Electra on the Daredevil. She's a great Elektra. So far, our best Electra to date. I'll tell you what, I only got to the episode where Daredevil goes,

Electra, and then credits. Oh, really? Yeah, and she's a good. you know that guy's not American I don't want to spoil anything the guy who plays Joe up wait dare devil

what the fuck is he I know he's he I think he's an Irishman oh man we gotta build a wall yeah in the middle of the ocean yes we need you know what it's taking food out of an American

actor's man I see did you know that Michael Rappaport actually believes that Michael Rappaport believes that he could have played daredevil guy like he actually i watched him get angry in an interview over like all the british people taking the superhero roles yeah because you're getting fucking robbed okay michael rappaport

he could have played nobody like if hawkeye yeah maybe no no no if tony stark could have played anyone got like an ai chip that was from statin island like that's what it would be i'm just saying i think vision should listen to more tribe that's all did anybody see my documentary about madison square garden i did see the one i did i'm called quest and it was good it's excellent uh loosely featured in this episode gods of egypt sure i can't bring myself to do it it's a hundred and twenty eight minutes of fucking nothing man i almost fucking fainted when i saw that runtime i almost fell right over the short answer is it's a movie that takes place in a fake ancient Egypt.

Sure. Wait, what? The Matrix Passed. Yeah, I don't know. Wherein a bunch of ancient Egyptian gods who were all about 8 to 10 feet tall. Now this is what immediately this movie is really stupid. Why?

Either they're... Because of the because of the Gandalf. Either they're giants so they can indeed be gods among men or you're just as tall as everybody else. This is the stupidest thing. They're doing like

all the humans are like hobbit size and gods are like big old Gandalfs running around. Yeah. And nobody's looking at the bigger person's eyeballs. And it just shows no confidence in your actors that they won't have the presence. Like on Game of Thrones, fucking Kingslayer

he doesn't have to look like he's nine feet tall for me to like respect him or be imposed by him. I do appreciate that you called him the Kingslayer. You know, it's bullshit in the first scene somebody called him the lion's slayer. I was like, can't do that. Hey, he can't do that. Oh, because he killed Robert Barathean

or was accused of doing so? Robert Baratheon. He's that big fat Mark Addy, right? Sure, but his his family sigils is a stag. But the thing is the Lannisters, which is what Jamie Lannister is, their sigil is a lion. A lion can't

kill lion. Unless you're talking about Tyrion killing his father. Oh, we just went down the rabbit hole. I wasn't, but thanks for the information. But, I mean, we are, we're going to end up fucking talking about Game of Thrones or anything else but this movie. Literally anything else. So basically, well, we'll get to it. The king dies and then like every-

Excuse me, Cocktails Brian Brown. Oh, I was going to say FX's Brian Brown. No, no, no, no, no, no. Cocktails Brian Best. Have you ever seen a more fucking unearned suicide in a movie than cocktail? Stay tuned. that's that's it's up there and excuse me but tom cruise is so fun in that movie twitter he's flipping bottles he's living bottles so now this guy is a god king uh-huh yeah and he gets killed by his let me check

my note here god brother yes named named set set set set set god of desert oh please egyptian drautler that man he is from the back country of egypt he is from the back country of Egypt. He's from the desert, I guess, the Sahara. And maybe they talk like that in certain pockets. No. It's like an isolated tribe. No, you're making up nonsense to explain nonsense. So isolated, it's literally one person. Once the internet went aflame when the poster for this movie came out, it was Gods of Egypt.

Had Nikolai Koster Walla, whatever that, how do you say? Costa Waldo. Jimmy Lannis. The whitest person in Hollywood right now. The Great Dane. You know what, Kavanaugh. And let's not get nuts. He's not in Hollywood.

In outer Hollywood. He films a television show mostly in like what, Ireland and Iceland. He's good. He is good. He's Spain sometimes and Croatia's. Hey, that's terrific. It had him, Gerard Butler on it.

Everyone was like, wait a minute. God's of Egypt. Hold on a second. I was convinced when I put this movie on the other night. I was like, all right, where's Christian bail? That's the Ridley Scott movie What's that one called? Exodus gods and kings

That's also white people playing They call that whitewashing these days Oh I've done that to a fireplace And it is It looks beautiful Jesus It is deplorable

It is awful But I was at the movies Watching silence the other day And there's a real snooty couple Next to me a white couple And Look out for them Yeah go on

And Ghost of the Shell trailer came on. And the guy went to his girlfriend. He's like, whitewashing 101. And I was like, really. Oh, wow. Are they really saying that at the movie? Did he burp and an issue of the New Yorker came out of his mouth? What a shithead.

Again, that movie's deployed. Throwing around buzzwords and casual conversation just bugs me. Wait, didn't we just do it with whitewashing? That's what I'm saying. I mean, like, it is what. Well, this isn't a casual conversation. We get paid to do this. we're fucking professionals

Yeah Nice he bought it That would I mean Exodus is so much Because it's Did you see this movie? Of course I saw this movie Of course I saw this movie by the way

It's Christian Bell And that's Exodus Bail Bail he played Batman three times What the fuck did he say? Bell He's thinking Kristen Bell I was thinking of Kristen Bell

Oh wow I mean when am I not Better Probably make a better Here's the thing. If you're a lighting engineer on a project, you're hoping Kristen Bell comes to say, and not Christian Bale. If you're Christian Bail's mother, you hope Kristen Bell's coming home for Thanksgiving. The other Egyptian god in that is Joel Edgerton. Oh, yes. That's a bit of a problem.

And their gods, are they the same gods as these gods? I don't believe so no. No, I think that they're, he's one of them's Moses and the other ones, Moses, Ramesses, I believe. Yes. I read the Bible once. Dude, did you read the whole thing? No. I went to Catholic school. I heard it gets good, like, towards the back. The appendix is fantastic.

I will say that gods of Egypt, thank God, just to get us back to it, is a much more colorful movie, at least, than fucking Ridley Scott gray panels. Yeah, you know, the white people are a problem. In a really big way in a movie about ancient Egypt. And, like, you know, you've got nothing but white people. We have Chadwick Boseman there, and that's about it. I don't even think you have an actual honest-to-goodness Egyptian in the main cast. No, there's probably a couple extras.

Well, the main cast. Oh, you know, no, no, no, no, no. Speakers. No, no, no. We're trying to put this. We're trying to put this movie in theaters. Was this supposed to be a talkie? Did I have mute on the whole time?

This is the first time I think I've seen Chadwick Boseman be bad. Yeah, he was bad. Because I, I, it's not great, but I think that. that Jackie Robinson movie's okay And he's fucking awesome as Black Panther Sure The James Brown He's great as James Brown

Oh get on up Oh I didn't see it But the thing is It's not only just the white thing It's the British thing Why does everyone need to be British That's what I'm saying Michael Rappaport

No but like everyone's Hey Ramsey's Everyone's talking You could play set Michael Ramaport is set I could play set Mark God

now this scarab represents why not but like it's everyone needs to have a British accent for like Chadwick Bozeman who's an American is doing like a fake hello I'm an Egyptian man He's doing a Peter O'Toole impression That's the thing is it's like it's like

That is like the imperial Yeah accent right Yeah well that's I mean it's it's harketing back to you know When we did this all the fucking time Sure yeah yeah And you just, you slap on, either they were English, you slap on a mid-Atlantic accent,

or you're doing an English accent, whatever. You watch, you know, like Cleopatra or something. Oh, my God. Yeah, all that horse shit. I mean, but you can have Egyptian people, like, even just mix it up a bit. Mix it up a bit. It turns out, I mean, here's the, listen, here's the craziest fucking news you're going to hear all night. It turns out in the Middle East, where there are indeed Middle Eastern people,

they make movies. Stop. Stop with your nonsense. Did they make movies in Africa, too? Yeah. Oh, wow. Okay. I've heard. I've heard tell. And literally right in fucking Egypt, they make movies. Yes. Jesus Christ, you fucking boobs.

Here's the thing. I really need to go back in time to the pitch meeting for this. All right. Let's do it. And just sit in. I don't even want to go back in time. What about the audio? Maybe someone like Nixon did, right? And I can get it later. Like, what? That means they would have recorded it themselves. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, for posterity, you know. But, like, who was like this is fabulous? Let's spit millions of dollars at this green screen atrocity. I will tell you, I mean, I think it's always, I always think of these things in terms of, like, holding patterns. Like, Gladiator won an Oscar. Right. Therefore, at some point in the future, a movie like Gladiator will again win the Oscar. You're absolutely right.

A movie like Glenn? No, it is not. It's a piece of shit. This is a movie like Wrath of the Titans. You're totally right. I mean, there's a big Langalear monster at the end of this thing. And it is your right to say wrath because the Clash of the Titans remake is actually a much better movie than this is. You've seen both of them?

I've seen both of those. I actually haven't seen Rath. I've only seen The Clash remake and I didn't like it. I didn't like it either, but it's so much better than this. I like the original movie. Is, um, are those remakes starring Australia's worst actors, Sam? Worthington. They are indeed. Yeah, and Liam Neeson. Get out of town. Is he

playing the Krakken? That's where the guy... Release the Kratz. It's him in, uh, which of all. Oh, wait. Liam Neeson is the one who says, release the Krakens. Where were you in 2008? What were you doing? Were you busy? I wasn't watching that movie. If you take my daughter, I'm going to release the Krakken. Call out any tattoos you might see on that

Cracken. Did that Krakken have any noticeable marks on him? So Brian Brown is holding court. Oh, right. I mean, how many people have to pass before you get to Brian Brown in 2006? I mean, like, Anthony Hopkins, no. Liam Neeson, nope.

Absolutely. Like, Sam Worthington said no. Sam Worthington said no for once. He wanted too much. Myambiolic was like asked. They're like, I don't know, we need somebody white. I don't know. Myambiolic.

Jim Parsons was asked. Oh, my Lord. You know what's great watching Jim Parsons try to play like a tough but. racist and hidden figures that was kind of always what is what is hidden figures hidden figures is the movie about uh the three uh black women who were like oh right yeah i saw the nasa wait it's a good movie he plays he plays a racist tough yeah he's like he's like a nassad dude who's like um more professional he's not out there with it but no no yeah he's not like you know wearing robes or anything but he's just like uh i don't know what he does at home well actually

you never see him at home i don't know um yeah yeah so so he gets butchered he gets but the funny Gerard Butler, look, he's about to crown Jamie Lannister as king of Egypt, which he's even saying that. But he's about to crown him and he's like, hey, man, Gerard Blas, like, oh, you're not going to have a family gathering without Egypt's favorite son, Gerard Butler. Dude, he comes into this movie. I always half expecting fucking glass shattering sound effects. The way that he crashes this, this, what am I trying to say? Coronation. The coronation, yes, of course.

He should really stun him. That would be great. if he fucking stunn Brian Brown straight to hell. The only way to kill a god is with a stunner. A stone called stunner. Which one is the one that

arrives at the coronation in the 5th element gliding mobile? There's that little fucking like, of course, because this is in no time. So it's just like, oh yeah,

flying things too as well. Fuck it. Yeah, I don't know. I think it was supported by bugs. There's like bugs under it. Helming it fly. It looks like Santa's sleigh without the reindeer.

It's more of a Cinderella thing. Well, there's so many, there's so many of these, like, the stars are out tonight, Egyptian gods that I'm supposed to know about. I'm like, you know, ancient Egypt shit is cool. I don't know, dittly dick about it. That guy with the doghead. Anubis. Yeah. Well, you guys knew his name?

Yeah, well, I know that from Lost. I know that from war gods, an N64 fighting game. Boy, you see, no one had. Yesterday's religions are tomorrow's video games. They are. It was like the cheat. I got, just got N-164. 64 for Christmas.

And so it was like, hey, war gods. You didn't go straight to fucking golden eye? You went to war gods? It was a gift. It was a gift. You know what you can do with some gifts? Throw them in the garbage. No, didn't it come with Super Mario?

Well, I'm saying it was just one of the first games that I got. I was like, hey, you're going to play, hey, you're playing more goddamn, come on. But no, Steve has a point, though, because I remember making this mistake, too. Every time you got a new system, you always had the regret game. Oh, of course. You know, like when I got my first. x-box it came with like forza racing i'm like what am i going to do with this nothing okay i can put a fucking coffee cup on it that's fantastic so um he uh he he cuts him up pretty bad with this knife

he guts him like a like a godfish and gods bleed gold oh this is really stupid is stupid but i'm going to say it i kind of had fun with this movie a little bit oh really it was just so dumb and so colorful with all the gold blood. I was wishing I had a tall glass of water in front of me. That was my problem. It's a, well, I was loaded up. Two hours and seven greenless minutes. I'm going to say, not worth it.

Even still. Save your water for another day. Chris tested. Chris disapproved. Well, like, okay, but like that's it. You're trying to compel, like, compel me visually in the same way a Kesha video. does. You're not compelled by Kasha?

I'm not, as it turns out. Maybe her legal struggles, but not like... No, it's true. That's the most compelling thing about her. That is a real Grisham-esque tale. But, like, actually, I mean, this whole thing, like, so Gerard Butler takes God's heart. Does he eat it?

They're all gods. Or so Osiris, Brian Brown. Please. Cocktail. I would be. much rather Brian Dennehy. Brian Dennehy is, if we're good at him. Brian Denny has no fucking time for this.

White ghosts as Egyptian gods. Get someone with some of Gravitas. Brian Denny is white ghost. That's the great. I want somebody so white I can kind of see through him. Yeah. Get me Brian Denny. You want to get haunted by somebody. You want to get haunted by anybody other than

Brian Denahey. Get me Brendan Gleason actually. You want to get real pale? Real pale, real quick. Also, now, you know, we're talking. about these are they're portraying Egyptian gods sure and you know you can complain about white washing but we don't know what

gods look like that's true you never know yeah yeah but the thing is most gods settled in the UK yeah they did a couple you don't know I'm from God Scotland for some reason God Scotland I just

it's amazing Godland but I was like well where are the funny heads why aren't animal people because that's what I came here for that's true I want animal heads but we turn into they're like Digimons they're animor yeah there's animals you know what you keep that

fucking helmet on the whole movie like Dread 2012 totally God that shit had a sequel what a fucking what a criminal act that's a war crime that that movie doesn't have a sequel I agree not to me shut up both of you oh boy

who's a 3 this guy oh the race You know what? That sequel can fucking suck it, dude. I really like it. Oh, my God.

Let's have the same fight sequence 11 times. You're talking about Keshe videos. The raid is just one of those YouTube fight videos. Like, oh, here's a compilation of awesome fights. I saw a bunch of cool fights on your internet. And I made a video of all them together. There's much better wardrobe in the raid, too. So please just give it a rest.

You know what didn't need a second sequel? On Bach. No, of course. That franchise fell in the toilet. But God's of Egypt. Speaking of falling in the toilet. Why are we here? So you...

Yeah, he turns into a monster. Yeah. Which looks like trash. He turns into... What is he doing? Like a bull kind of? Wait, like a hawk thing. There is a hawk guy.

Jamie Lannister turns into a hawk. Right. Yeah, he's got the eyeballs that everyone wants. Yes. He's got God eyes. Yeah. God balls. Cocktail had the God heart.

He's got Jamie Lannister's out. Chadwick Boseman's got the brain. Yes. Look at the big brain on Chas. Wait, wait, wait, wait, who has the courage? The lion. No, the little turd flea. What's the boy's name?

Beck. And they're all organ donors. Yes. But weirdly, when Gerard Butler are in this scene, Jesus Christ, we're probably at minute 78. 27. We're talking about this first scene. here. Jamie Lannister

gives his eyes ripped out by Gerard Butler and I'm only cool part of the movie. And I was just thinking like, holy fuck, the movie's over. Or like my reason to care about the movies. Yeah, sure. Because I love that Jamie Lernerner. And then I didn't expect him to come back. He was sealed in a tomb without eyes. Just like, I guess it's sensory deprivation is what these Egyptian world gets off. Well, it was like Egyptian. It was like ancient

Egyptian alternate states. I'm also going to assume this movie gets everything wrong. So I'm not I'm not giving it. First of all, the fact that these little people, it was just gods fighting each other. It was a flat rock where a bunch of gods fought each other. Flat rock what are you talking? Like a planet of like

nothing. It's gods on the planet. Don't they show for a second like a shot of the earth and it's fucking flat? They do. It's pretty cool. Oh yeah. It's kind of like a quarter. It is. And there's a worm on the other side of it. But like they're also saying like not only they

they're either given into the whole flat earth credence which you know story for another date or it's like it's a fantasy dumb world whatever and I think it's probably the latter and I think that's kind of cool like hey these people if they wrote the movie back then they would have thought the world was flat so sure and like also I mean it's a weirder like first of all

his white Brian Brown's wife ISIS who was in two scenes yeah it's like a major that's her name and she's like the main character of the legend yeah essentially but what's the problem with this you need some dudes there's names there's names names and there are gods that's about the so yeah but it's like you see

saying you need dudes but like you could just you can have some babes in this movie well is an ISIS she's not in the movie oh okay she's barely in it she's in two scenes she goes oh he just killed he's all the wings right no no that's nymphus oh That's nymphus. No, who's funding ISIS in this? Brian Brown from Cocktail.

Yes. He's just got a black bag over his head. He doesn't know why. No, the genteel Australian legend to Brian Brown is not funding ISIS. I heard that Australia has sent some people to fight for ISIS. I don't know if they've sent them, but they're getting there. I don't know what's going on. I don't think the Australian government is like, go get him.

You never know. I'm pretty sure that's not the case. We have to look into it. So the thing with, I'm just going to change the goddamn conversation. Yes, please. Great idea. Alter course. So the whole reason, like, we go and we have to follow fucking Oliver Twist and his girlfriend.

Yeah. And, like, I hate this kid so much. With Rufus Sewell. Yes. Not quite a roaming eye, actually. I think he got it fixed. I think he got a little bit of correct. I think somebody was like, you know what?

take like five years off of movies, wear an eye patch. By the way, it'll fix itself. Like the only reason to watch Man in the High Castle. Oh, really? Yeah, he's good in it. You watching that season two? I watched the first episode of season two.

Now has it turned into like parallel dimensions or something? It's always been parallel dimensions. We know of the- Yeah, we know of the- Right, right, right. There was, yeah, now there's, it seems like they're doubling down and adding multiple dimensions. So it's like sliders now? It's a little like sliders.

It's like Hitler's sliders. Hitler Sliders Oh yeah Come into my new restaurant For some Hitler Sliders Well no It's just every dimension You go

It's a bunch of racists It's no matter what It's true to life Yes Did Sliders ever do a Hitler episode? I'm sure they did several I mean I'm not saying

The show was above it Because Lord knows it's not Wait didn't that guy Shit what was Oh Sala Sala John Rhys Davies Wasn't he Hitler and all them

Wasn't he like a racist in real life No he's yeah he just This thinks of Christianity is being purged out by the Muslims. Oh, my goodness, Indy, the war on Christianity. It's cold out there. Web series won't call me back. It is fucking cold out there.

I was supposed to do a Hawkman fan film, and no one picked me up. I was waiting on my front porch for weeks. That was supposed to be a repayment for my brother-in-law's car. Gary kept sending me straight to voicemail. Oh, that is low. So, but yeah, we do follow Beck and his girlfriend, Zaya. Zaya believes in the gods. Beck does not, or not believes.

I mean, you have to believe the gods right there. Zaya is faithful to God. She's like, oh, the gods will take care of us. Beck is like, ah, fuck them. I'm basically, I'm basically Aladdin this whole time. He's a dude. I said it earlier today. This dude is, he's a monkey-less Aladdin.

That's what this guy is. Who could use it? Well, that's, dude, the monkey... Aladdin without a boo? Who could give a shit? Well, also, the monkey absence from this movie is potent throughout. Oh, you could sniff it out. You know why that happened, Chris?

Bad dates. Thank you, Steve. Thank you. Thank you for that one. Please hire me. I'll open for your improv team. Oh, man. You know, come to the bell house on March 4th.

He might be there. He might be there. 15% of chicken fingers. I'll take it. Yeah, he would get paid in fried food. Fried Christian food. Oh, man. He'd shut the place down.

He'd go out of business from all the chicken eats. Does this sound like a man who's really had all he could eat? Oh, man. He might order a lot of pork to get back at the Muslims. Shouldn't have eaten that much pork. That's right. But Zaya's like, and we don't know. I guess they're like a resisting set is like, by the way, the afterlife is different now.

Now is you go pay your way in. That's it. I just changed the afterlife. But wasn't that the Egyptian belief the whole time? That's one thing I do remember. Oh, shit, the whole time. Well, I had an art teacher in grade school who was like obsessed with ancient Egypt and that was one of the things. Oh, yeah, that's why that's why you built your big goddamn pyramid and all the families in there.

You built a pyramid? But basically this movie is saying that, like, this was a regime change idea. Oh, I see. Hey, this is how it goes now. Sorry. So, what's back up to in this movie? Nothing. Zaya's just like, hey, man, the world is wrong.

Why don't you go fix it? And he's like, okay. I got the plans because I work for Rufusul who knows who works for set. And hear all the plans to all those things. Go to this fucking temple and get Horace's eyes. So all you have to do is pass the Zelda level. Oh, God. Grab the fucking eye amulet. Right.

I got to tell you, this movie, I finally realized it, I'm bored of flips. I'm really, you know, flips, which are, you know, universally cool. Like jumping flips? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Like, not like Flip Wilson. No, no, Flip Wilson's great. No one's ever been bored of Flip Wilson. But I used to love flips as a lad.

I was like, oh, look at that cool flip. And now we've got all these CGI flips. Dude, Star Wars ruined the flips, man. Yep, they did. Fucking prequel. flipping right and left. Oh, those are some Olympic dive style flips your season. Yeah, fucking Jedi Force flips.

I don't like it. Also, every single Will Smith movie made between 1999 and 2008. Too many flips. Way too many flips. We need to go back to practical flips. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, because you're, you know, like, you're thinking like, oh, a guy can do a flip.

He was in good shape. What if you did a flip like this? Holy fucking shit. And honestly, you know what's disgusting about it is like you're using computers to put good, hardworking stunt people out of work. You know who can do a flip? Stunt people. You know who can't fucking idiots that star in gods of Egypt. Brenton Thwaites or whatever this.

Yeah, he's just flipping through this fucking fleas name is. It looks exactly like a Zelda level. It looks like a skyward sword fucking. You're being way too generous. This whole thing looks like a bad game I downloaded because it was free on iTunes. Is one of those fuck games? You will not be able to last more than five minutes playing this game. Last more than five minutes.

Now I'm going to put an artificial IGN review pull quote here. You just downloaded Hot in the Hole. Well, I'm edging already. Chris Cabin's Hot the Whole 10 out of 10 stars from IGN. Possibly. Yes. But yeah, he gets one of the eyes. And, like, he just makes it.

Yeah. That was really cool. And then he comes back and Rufus Sewell is like, hey, you stole from me and she's my slave. And he's like, well, we're going to go to Horace's house, which is incredibly easy to get to. Yeah. But Rufus Sewell throws an arrow to, shoot an arrow at this lady. Kills her. Oh, yeah.

She gets killed the dead right in the chest with an arrow. That's pretty cool. Because she had so much to do up till now. Yeah. Yeah, they really were building a character. She's got to do something, man. You know what? You know what?

You know what she's up to the point that she's murdered. in this movie for the first time she does two things look pretty and get made fun of by her boyfriend for her religious beliefs. Yes, that's actually about right. That's it.

You go to church today or what? You fucking idiot! We're out of course. I'll be showering when you get back. So they go to Horace's place or he goes to Horace's place, brings his dead lady. He's like, Larry, you're not going to die. No, he didn't do that.

It's so stupid because it's like, you're talking about it. Like, Horace is supposed to be in hiding right now. I don't think so. Jamie Landisor's got the door open. He's just like sitting behind a box. Yeah, he's just like hanging on that box. I don't know what it's I think he's really disappointed that this

is the first person who came a knocking. I think he's just been like looking for people to stop by. I mean, he's like, where the fuck is Chadwick Bowman? You can only be in exile for so fucking long. and you're in for some connection. Can we talk really quickly about the Wonder Years part of this?

Yes, we met. Oh, that Joe Cocker song that pops up. No, in the beginning. What would you do? The narration that kind of happens When I was a younger man, I used to do. What are you talking about, Daniel Stern? My father looked at me weird.

Do you do Dan Loria? If Dan Loria played Ron this movie? Yes. I would allow it I would allow it Look out below Hollywood Intimidating as Oh totally

Get out of your Jeffrey Rush It gives a shit I would put on the Wonder Years as a kid And he would come up on the screen And I would go to my room Yeah I don't want TV dad to yell at me You started thinking your name was Kevin

Yeah And then I was sent to my room Without macaroni and cheese And my sister smoked pot in Egypt it's there and then it's gone and it's there and it's gone my grade school crushes

older brother was killed in Vietnam remember when that happened when he's brother died in Vietnam we learned something that's the fucking most tragic piece of TV this side of the mash ending what have Dan Loria played all the gods

like the sexes that we've got a more coherent movie I'm totally far wait is you know what maybe one of them just for fun I know we don't like it usually. One of them is a CGI creature where he did mocap for it. Yes, I like it. Because, you know, now we're not doing whitewashing. We're doing Loria washing, which I'm okay with.

Wait a second. What if Dan Loria did a mocap suit and they just made him look like a mocap Dan Loria? Yes. Yes. That would be awesome. And it's like younger Dan Loria. And he's nude the entire time. Just to like perfect what it looked like then.

That's like Anthony Hopkins in that wretch. Robert Zemeckis Beowulf. Oh, yeah. Oh, Lord in heaven, that movie, you are like, you're just one little light breeze away from seeing his computer dick. There's so much dick trauma in that movie. That movie's mostly Dick Trotton.

And that's with Ray Winstone, right? I fucking received Dick Trauma watching that movie. It's just like one big kick in the crotch the whole time. So, mainly because Dan Loria isn't in it. They strike a bargain. Beck is like Hey man I got your He pretends that he has both of his eyes

But he only has one Because he's a bit of an Aladdin Esk scamp And Horace is like Yo man give me my eyeballs He's like well only if you can bring My fiance back

My girlfriend back Whatever she is We're not really clear on the relationship To go fucking talk to Anubis Yeah he's like Oh yeah I can do that Just give me the good one Yeah we're great friends

Yeah Just give me my eyeball back So he does He gives him one eyeball And then it's like Oh I can't do it now But you know you just give me a couple of payments

of $49.95 and then I guarantee you I'll bring her back to the days. No, you know, you're such a great thief. You have to take me to this temple because you have the plans. And once we get there, then I'll then bring your girlfriend back. Is that, am I right here? Something to that effect.

Is that somewhat of the plot of this film? Yes. I will check yes. Because it's BS. I mean, it's bullshit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But whose temple are we going to? Dan Loria's. and Loria's temple up on the green We're going to Sets Temple

That's the idea Because basically if we Weaken him Then we could beat him It's one of those fake things Where it's like He kills Brian Brown Like it ain't no thing

You just murks him in the chest With a knife Like you don't Oh we have to get this amulet And we have to plant water In the desert to destroy the desert And I'm like He's just a fucking guy

Just cut his fucking head off Like you're a god He's a god cut his fucking hell You could have killed him the last time you saw. Exactly. We have to go to my dad, my grandfather's house, and I'm like, oh, Christ, really?

Like, the last thing you want to do is visit your grandfather. When you're high. Especially when your grandfather is Jeffrey Rush playing Ra the Sun God. Oh, come Lord. On a spaceship. Did you just say, come on a spaceship?

Yes, Eric. What game is this and where can I download it? It got 10. 10 stars from IGN. You won't last five minutes playing this game. Oh, you'll think it's a black hole on your ding-dong, brother. That's a level three and hot in the hall.

Sucks, oh, God. Oh, cut all of that. I know you want. Jeffrey Rush in this movie looks like a cross between a character and Jupiter ascending and an extra and fucking nothing but trouble. This thing is disgusting.

I thought, F. Murray Abraham, an insurrection. Yes. That's what I thought of immediately. If he was living in a junkyard. And without the makeup, that's just Jeffrey Rush. This looks like, I mean, it's disgusting. And my theory is because he's like raw, the sun god and whatnot, I think it's just

like residual burn marks from working so close to the sun. Also, if you're raw, nobody can tell you're ugly. Yeah, that's true. Everybody's very kind to your face. Well, the weird thing is, this is, to me anyway, this is the best part of the movie in a way. it sounds great on paper right it's raw he's on this spaceship every night he has to kill the night

which is this big demon with a bunch of teeth oh not the night I think kind of the that's kind of the idea is that what it is I think that's what we're talking it's a freaking space worm it's like I had no idea that Rob was fighting all these space worms it looks like a Langalear's penis it's got like all these like these rows of teeth and it's just flying

it looks like a transformer it looks like the transformer worm oh yeah you're totally right there's a transformer worm yeah Remember the event in Chicago? Are you talking about the end of the Avengers? No, that's the event in New York. But that is... You remember the event in Egypt?

They're all space worms, all these fucking movies. But I mean, the funny thing is he, like, he kind of like, every night it comes over to, like, kind of shoes it away like a dog with this big stick. He just, he's like, ah, get out of here. Yeah, ha, ha, ha, ha. He's like shooting fire semen at it, which is cool. But at the same time, like, dude, it stops the movie dead. Fire.

he literally Chris is right he literally excuses himself from the movie to shoot fire out of a sword to do a back

get back you I say to do the cool 180 shot of the flat earth and then to fucking fight a demon worm

the worm has the end credits written on it the movie's not done and then like Bugs Bunny is manipulating it

who is doing who's a responsible for this. Ain't I a stinker? But, yeah, I mean, like, but the weird thing is, like, it's cool and all, but, like, to your point, it does,

it stops the movie dead. Yeah. And, like, if I'm raw, man, like, figure out a way to kill this worm. Like, every night it's going to come. Like, what's with the preventative tactics? Let's, like, spend all day, figure out how to kill this fucking thing.

Hold on. Then you can take a vacation. Raw is, he's an old god, you know, maybe just having a chore. Yeah. Keeps him a lot. I see. You don't want to, he's not going to, what is he going to do, weed up there?

Maybe. There's still, well, I guess he knows everything. I had to get a reverse mortgage on my spaceboat. Now that social security is destroyed. You're welcome. Seriously, though, back on earth, Gerard Butler is fucking draining this swamp. Don't be fooled by this shit. He goes, he kills some lady with wings.

It's like his ex-girlfriend. That's what I would stop at the movie dead. Gerard Butler walks... That's not ISIS. That is not ISIS. That's Nymphis. She's his ex-wife. And it's like this whole thing where he has to go up to her and they talk about shit for a long time. Like this woman had one scene in the movie.

Can't also, again, can't I just have a fight? Yeah. Like, why is all this talking going on? And like, on the opposite side of that, when he's talking to Raw, that should be a fucking five-minute scene. Go up, have like an ominous. cool moment with Raw where he gives him some advice and goes back it's a cameo thing maybe you can get Jeff

Bridges except for you know ball sack Jeffrey Rush and like it's like you don't you're adding so much time to this yeah well it's a two and a two hour movie I mean if we're getting out under two hours they consider this movie to be a failure

that's the thing and so but yeah but the weird thing is she's kind of throwing shit in his face she's like well at least Ra forbade you from having kids which is like Whoa, that's the low-blow man. I'm going to cast straight my own son. Yeah, but what does that mean? Did, like, Ra, like, cut us?

I just said, I'm going to cast straight my own son. Yeah, but, like, did he cut his tubes or tie his tubes or do you, like, sheer off his nuts? I don't think a man gets his tubes tied. I'm not sure of God's have tubes. You got a resectomy, right? Or maybe, like, every time he was about to shoot gold, uh, Jeffrey Rush, he'd be like, don't do that. And he went, oh, God, Jeffrey Rush, I can't come now.

Hello. Yeah, exactly. Every time his bitch face. Yeah, his wife would turn into Jeffrey Rush always at the end. That was his ultimate God to prank. I could work with that. This ex-wife is one of the multiple people that he's like stealing pieces from. What does he take from her?

He takes her wings. Oh, the wings, of course. He's making himself like when all the power rangers came together. It's super power rangers. Yeah, it's Voltron, right? Or Voltron. You get all the robots together and you make a Voltron.

Yep. So he takes her wings and then they go back down to Earth Beck and what you would call Horace and they're like, now they're kind of becoming buddies a little bit. Yeah, it's a road comedy at this point. Yeah, and then some minotores

come out and start fucking with them. Are those minotores? This is like Minotaur army. Minotaur army. Well, there's like four of them and they're working for some other larger minotaur master. Yeah, okay.

That's the guy that Gerard. Butler like decapitates after all these minotores fail. I think I have them written down as goblins. I mean, they pretty much are. Catch him in bed with a minotor. It's very good to be back on InfoWords. Thank you, Alex. We're going to have Julian Assange in the mornings on infowars.com.

I want to talk about the minotor agenda. Oh, yeah. I used to call for his execution now Julian Assange. is my morning host Catch him bad with a hacker The whole thing fucking stinks It's not fun

Could be 400 pound hacker Could have been a minute When you don't know You don't know It could have been Dan Loria Hacking the DNC You never know All I'm saying is I never saw

Julian Assange And Dan Loria You're in the same place At the same time Man Dan Loria is like the multi-faced guy he's everywhere at all times i worship i choose to worship dan loria it turns out that christio jugeo religions are wrong he dwells in the house of black and white

dan loria reminds me of the father that used to beat the shit out of me i have a statue of janus that i actually just changed into dan loria's face two times one with a mustache, and one without. I hope anyone knows who Dan Loria is. He was the dad on the Wonder Years. If you don't know what the Wonder Years are, ask your grandkids. I firmly believe that the guy who played Paul on the Wonder Years is definitely Marilyn Manson, and I'm going to get to the bottom of it.

That's a good point, Donald, here at InfoPlanet w. We've got conclusive evidence that Paul from the Wonder Years is Marilyn Manson, and yes, I know you're thinking it out there and listen, Len, he did suck his own dick. Catch him in bed with a dope show. And coming up next, we got somebody who got AIDS from a toilet seat. All the breaking news here. A.I. Special report.

Gonorrhea from a tractor, it could happen. Coming up on prison plant.comw. The government is controlling your ice. I went to Mexico and I got what I thought to be a little chihuahua. but it turned out to be a rat when I got home. Prisonplanet.fart. Dot info news backslash biz. Is that a Chubicabra?

So there should have been a fucking Chubicabra in this movie. Oh, why the hell am I? But why? That's a... Just to add a monster. A chupacra is a North American beast. The Jersey devil was busy. These are all these...

Also, I'm not going to call all these Egyptian monsters. So, yeah, I don't know, I'm not sure about that. Wait a second. If the Jersey devil put on a mocap suit and he was mocapped to be a chupacabra. I'm into that. Makes total sense. We should get all the monsters to show like what they think of other monsters like Slender Man portraying Bigfoot.

Oh, sure. Because they're both forest dwellers. Yeah, okay. Look how hairy are you. Oh, they're all doing like bits on each other. Oh, totally. It's like a fucking roast. Monster.

Rose. It's a Netflix show hosted by Andy Circus. It's one of those secret Netflix shows, though, where they put it out, but they don't tell anybody. Called the characters you actually want to see. I have no idea what that show is. Sure. Oh, man. All right, so the ex-wife was stripped of her wings. That's a thing. Then they're like, oh, well, we got to get to this temple. At this point, Elity Young, who has been sleeping with

Well, she's with Horace at the beginning. She's with Horace at the beginning. She switches immediate. To save Horace's life, she's like, hey, man, I'll be your girlfriend. And he's like, all right. Just so long as you're a big girlfriend. But you neary said nothing about pulling out his eyeballs.

You're just talking about pulling out. So you know what? Who's definitely not pulling out this god portrayed by Gerard. But he's definitely making pulling out jokes. There's a great. There's a great scene sort of earlier in the movie where Rufus Sewell is like, master, I've completed, I've completed the temple for your grace. And Gerard Butler just had sex with Elity Young and he looks at him and he's like, and he's like, oh, did I come into good times? No, you're fine.

And he's like kind of like naked. And there's like his eyes look at his dick and he's like, what are you looking at there? You're looking at my big, godlike giant cook. He's got like the wrestler robe on at that. Dude, he looks like the million dollar man, Ted DiBiase with that robot. He definitely does. He's about to come out to the ring. Come out.

Uh, yes. So at this point, she, like, joins up with our heroes. She's like, hey, I always did it to, you know, whatever for you. Well, she did it all for the nukes, of course. The nougie, Jim. I like that one. And they're just like, hey, we got to go get Chadwick Boseman because we got to get to this double. We got to solve the riddle of the spinks.

And the what? Sphinx. No, Steve said spinks. And I'm saying for this, the one they give us, it is a sphinx. Yeah, exactly. It is not a sphinx. It is a sphinx. I apologize, Steve, you were correct me the entire time.

This thing looks like fucking shit. It looks so bad. So they go to Chadwick, it's one of your bad screenplay things where they go to Chadwick Boseman and they're like, hey man, why do you come on this fun adventure with us? And he's like, no, I would never do that. I'm far too busy doing all this other things. And then like He's living in like

The Clone Wars He's got all these clothes And basically Is fucking Yoda Egyptian Beck who's the coolest character In the world It's a bit of a Mary Sue Eric

Dude Beck is definitely a Mary Sue Are you kidding me? Actually when it's a man You gotta respect him A Marty Sue I thought we already It's a Gary Sue Oh I'm sorry Max Landis

I didn't see you sitting over there I'm on Twitter I had no idea you and your stupid haircut were in my apartment. You know, Beck's story is fine, but the girl that goes to hell, her storyline is just totally unearned.

You know, whenever, Max Landis, crib sheet, whenever you see a woman in a movie, it's un-earned. Have a problem. Yeah, you're right.

She totally didn't earn getting shot in the tit with an arrow and going to hell. She did not earn that. Earned this. But so they're like Basically Beck is like Oh but yeah you're far too busy

You probably couldn't solve the riddle anyway And he's like well now I'm definitely going If you have such a thin stupid reason Just have him go Just say yes Yeah the first time Yeah let's just go Jerry and find the trap Yeah exactly

Spare us the five minutes Of bit of bits that we have to do And this is speaking of bits I mean they're playing this for comedy You're supposed to be laughing at Chadwick Bowes Oh, yeah, he's, he's a cut up. I'm sighing at Chadwick Boseman. So we go to the, poor decision.

Oh, basically, oh, by the way, we should say, because it's your classic, oh, we're going to do something until we don't. So Jamie Lannister has this bottle of water. That's the water of creation is like, once I plant this in Sets Temple, it'll weaken him enough so I can finally kill him. And I've got this thing. Is it the Genesis device? It's it. It'll destroy the desert, therefore weakening him because he's the god of the desert. Sure.

Sorry. I totally miss the introduction of that bottle, by the way. So when Gerard Butler's like dumping it out, I was like, who cares? I totally missed it. Because they go there and the Sphinx is like, I look like garbage. He looks like Olmec from Ledding to the Hidden Temple. He looks worse than Olmec. I mean, like, come on with the bad CGMs.

There was some craftsmanship into the Omec. Yeah, some intern had to make him. Remember those creepy walls in a never-ending story? Yes. I can't move and I'm fucking eating rocks. I'm obese and I'm depressed. I'm just going to sit here and eat rocks. Like that's, that had like weight to it.

You can see it, you can feel it. A lot of weight. Yeah, but you also just sort of like you knew what was good. I don't know. You felt it. You know what I mean? That was a well-made movie. Yeah, there's like things in there.

Yeah, there were. things. But this is just a big CGI. It looks like worse than Spider-Man 3 a little bit.

It's worse than Sandman. No detail whatsoever. Atreou much better than this Beck. Much better. Yes.

Because that was a puppet. It was a tangible puppet. Huh? I will say this would try you. It was a boy.

Oh, what's the name of the dog? I don't know Falcour. Oh, Falcour. That's what

Falcour is. I don't know. The fucking dog that laughs like Ernest Borgnine. Yeah, let's go Yeah, let's see Artreou gets in the back

Like a snake plisket in that cab Atreo might as well be portrayed by Let's go in John Cassaviti But that's the thing Is like if actually if Beck was younger I would be like If this movie was like four children Like let's do it that way

You know what I mean It might as well really be for children Why do you have to put this is for children Right? I think it's for adults Is this all four idiots It's not, and that's the problem. That's what I was noting was the problem.

You need, I mean, listen, you need fucking nudity of all kinds. You need gore. There's gore. It's just gold. No, but see, that's what's fucking stupid. It's like when Mortal Kombat. In my second term, it's going to be golden gore. It's going to look like velvet gold mine in here. It's like when Mortal Kombat, instead of blood, like they were just like spitting.

Oh, it was like sweat. Yeah. And it was like, no, like I just shot a heart. harpooning you. Your fucking stomach isn't sweating. But yeah, I think it's either one or the other. Make it for kids and like, yeah, you can have all these B-level actors in it too. Sure. But it's just for children and that's fine. Or make it for adults and let's get some fucking blood and go. A PG-13 movie is not fucking fucking with your already inevitable, terrible box office. Like if anything, you have to look

at this movie and you're like, all right, man, listen, we got like a bevy of white people playing Egyptians with fucking terrible accents. This is horrendous. A CGI button was cut into a quarter. Oh, totally. Andy Circus laughed in our face. The ship is going down. They put this out in IMAX 3D according to Wikipedia. But you need to make this movie so bloody and disgusting.

Sure. That when people like Chris Cabin are reviewing it, they're like, this movie was so bloody and disgusting. And then that gets people like, all right, well, at least it's supposed to be bloody and disgusting. or turn into the skid and let's do Flash Gordon because this movie's so close to it like really find a way to it why can Beck be from you know America now or something? Yes

Why not just get rid of fucking Beck? You know what? That's probably the greatest thing that's been brought up all night. Get the fuck out of here. You said American back now I'm thinking get Becker in there. Get Ted Danson Yes. A better movie. Yeah better better. It's Ted Danson

and fake agent Egypt. His practical Bronx physician sensibility. I've never seen a second of that show. Really? And I love Ted dancing. I was like, nope. You're not missing anything.

That's, you know, at least like five times a year I utter the phrase, thanks anyway, CBS. You know, in Becker, they used a lot of exterior shots of Astoria. Right. I think even Broadway and 31st Street makes an appearance. Oh, shit. Even though that's, you know, even though that's

Queens and it's supposed to be in the Bronx. Yeah, but that's King of Falafel territory, right? Oh, it sure is. Are they a sponsor on today's shows? No, but I'll tell you anyway, I went to the king last week on my vacation. It was delish. Oh, man, they are the best. That's right.

When in Astoria Queens visit the King of Falafel. Promocode Fat Guy. Can we talk about the scene where these idiots make two giant snakes commit suicide? My God. Second best scene of the movie. This is also the second, second time. that Jamie Lannister went after a couple of sand snakes

you can't see that Eric is elbowing the air towards me I don't get it because I haven't watched it in two seasons don't worry about But I mean the snakes are cool But the weird thing is I mean like

As if this movie didn't have enough racial problems There's he's like two like They're like I don't know They're female hunters that ride snakes One is white one is black The white lady rides a white snake And the black lady rides a fucking black snake What are we talking to?

I didn't even notice that. Yeah, that's just good old semiotics. Oh, okay. No, it's not. No, it's not. It's just stupid. Yeah. So, yeah, basically, Elity Young, whose goddess power is changed by the minute.

Yeah, yeah, she's like, she's like, she's like, the goddess of love, but she's got this bracelet that keeps her out of demon land, and then she can also control animals. No, no, no, the thing is, she states that, yeah, any man or beast. That's heart is not already owned by another. She can control. And I was like, these snakes are free agents. These snakes are totally single, dude. Oh, man, they're on Craigslist? Yes for S?

S for S. God. I already have some eggs of my own. Oh, Lord. Oh, Lord. Missed connection snake, I saw you on the L train. I was the giant white snake. Tell me who was on my back.

Right back to this. message. Jesus. Oh. But yeah, so she turns, she makes one of these snakes. One of these snakes basically just falls off the cliff. That's a real wily coyote death. But before that happens, Jamie Lannister

wraps this lady's neck around a wire so she's not getting that off. It's pretty uncomfortable. Yeah, I like that. And then Elity Young makes the snake burn itself alive. She's like, kill yourself. And this snake, who can breathe?

the fire, obviously. And it's not in a committed relationship. This snake can breathe the fire and is not in a commitment. Single-ass fuck. How are you a fire-breathing giant snake and you are still on the market? That's fucked up. They must be racist. It's a good question.

Or unemployed. There's got to be something hidden, right? There's some deep dark secret with this snake. Come on. Everybody needs something burned. There's a lot of skins in this snake's closet. So that's the end of babes riding snakes

Yeah, that ends pretty quickly We go to the Sphinx thing Basically, the Sphinx riddle is like Tomorrow, which is lame It's like, I'm always about to happen But I never do What's inside of something or other? This reminded me, man, you know what?

I dislike a lot of things. You know what's up there? Riddles and people who tell them. Oh shit, take that the riddler. Yeah, no thing. thanks. No thanks James Cary in that movie. How about anecdotes? You like

stories? I mean, if you don't like riddles. No, anecdotes that's what we do every mailbag episode is anecdotes. It's just a random thing to just be like all riddles. Fuck them. No. Just listen to what that Sphinx says. Okay. There are people in the real world. There's probably like a

fucking riddle convention. A riddle convention. Dude, if they can have crossword puzzles tournaments. San Bernardino. where it's just people trying to fucking goof each other with riddles. Is the location of the riddle convention a riddle?

Oh, that's it. Yes. It would have to be. Yes. Goofs each other. Is that what OJ Simpson was doing in that hotel?

Man, he goofed a lot of people with a knife. I'll tell you that. Allegedly. Allegedly. I was just goofing. This just in, goofing is legal

in the state of California. Basically, then like, you know, that they win. And set comes up and like rips Chadwick Boseman's brain out of his head. Yeah, who saw that coming? Oh, by the way, the set decoration in this portion of the film resembles

Bowser's castle. It really does. He had to jump over Gerard Butler and hit the axe and then he falls into the pit. You got to look at the ghost or it's going to come at you. There's also a portion that looks like Jurassic Park. Yeah, so I was going to say, tallgrass. And then for some reason, a gigantic bullet got shot at me. Big little bombs with feet

They get trapped in Is this the part where they get trapped In like a T-Rex's rib cage Yes And then like What's with these flying turtles And Dr. Jar Butler takes the water

It's like This is the thing you're gonna use To defeat me Guess you would now And at this point We have our Rift in the road here Because he's like

Oh you Hey Beck You're a really cool guy back and you're only helping him because he thinks you're gonna bring back your girlfriend

but news flash no one can do that and like right everybody feels bad for him or something well that's what you're supposed to feel but who could

feel anything for watching this movie so then like he Gerard Butler totally James bonds them he's like now everyone's gonna die

but I can't stick around and he leaves like whatever man but then Jamie Lannister's just like Bart, the rib cage opens. He's got his little, like, magic staff.

And he just kind of, like, pushes a little bit. This thing cracks open like a muscle. You're like, all right. And then basically, Elity Young feels real bad. She's like, hey, man, I only have this weird little bracelet that can only, all it can do is keep me out of hell. But I give it to your girlfriend. She'll be able to go to heaven or, you know, not heaven, but whatever. The afterlife.

The nice neighborhood in the afterlife. You want to buy in, buy in now. The Gated Community. Thank you, Chris. There's going to be a wall around this community. And 24-7 security, I assure you. So when you get to the pearly gates, St. Peter is going to look at your application, and he'll take one look at you and just mark a little innocent C in the corner of it.

He will have a swatch with the correct skin color, and we will see how you measure up. Heaven, now sponsored by Sherman Williams. She basically sacrifices herself for no reason. Well, she used to be like the afterlife's PR assistant or something. She's had a varied career of the gods. She's really moved around. It comes a lot of odd jobs. So they go down to hell.

They go down to the underworld Anubis is there who's cool looking. And I was wondering. Is he? I think it's kind of cool looking. He looks better because he's actually an animal person. Everybody else turns into mech zords. You know what? Just make them. Animal people and have the celebrities do the fun voices.

That's exactly right, which is what I was wondering, is Anubis done by anybody? The answer is no. Is it Welker? No, it's not Welker. It's not a guy. Well, it's speaking English. Of course, it's not Frank Welker. At this point, now Gerard Butler mexords himself into a super demon.

He becomes Uber Jason. He does. Super shredder. He does. He's got the wings. He takes the eyeball. He takes the brain. It is all so stupid.

And he goes up to Ron. And Ross, like, am I still in this? Oh, shit, I've got to be on set in five minutes. I thought that was a cameo. Are you fucking kidding me? I'm getting killed by Gerard Butler. On screen, Alex. I was stepping into a car.

I thought I was done. I was leaving, oh, in Australia. Speaking of Australia, Bruce Pence is in this movie because he has to be. Where was he, though? I saw him on the Tribune list. He's playing the CGI goblin that lets you into. have to have to into the afterlife oh the no no sitting on the throne the judge or whatever so like because it's Australia and I don't know if you guys know this about Australia is uh all the scripts for the movies

go to Bruce Spence first and he passes or plays in it so he's like am I flying a big helicopter in this yes well then it's a yes and we're playing some call is there a waste land anywhere near this all right then I'll be in wait bonus points if I'm sitting down the whole time. Let me ask you this. Do I get my face painted? That's a yes. Wow, yeah, I saw him in the credits

and I was like, where is this dude? Well, who could tell? Because he's dressed up like a monster. So basically you either have enough cash. It's basically a living in New York. You either have enough cash or they fucking throw you into the cold.

That's exactly right. Get disintegrated. Yeah. This fragile. It is actually New York. This fragile. old woman turns to sand before your eyes. And what was crazy? I couldn't believe they got him for this cameo, dude.

Out of nowhere, this woman's disintegrating. And Rudy Giuliani comes out. He's like, Thie, I fucking told you, you shitty poor people. You're going to be finished in the town. Boy, remember him? Whatever happened to that? Fucking fart noise. Back in the wrong horse.

That's embarrassing. You got gristied. Sorry, I hit the U.S. You got Christy button. Get him out of here. Get Giuliani. Get Christy. Get him out of here.

Kill their families. Except for Giuliani's young daughter. She's pretty hot. He goes up to Ra and he takes his staff and like he kind of freshmen's him. You know what I mean? I think he does this keep away with anything. It's just so stupid. He knocks him off his boat too.

He knocks him off the boat, but like there's no fight. Oh shit, Ted Kennedy. Oh, wow. What, that's for the other side. Yeah, everybody's fair and balanced. It is just like Fox News. We'll say one thing here. Yeah, you could make up for the rest.

Oh, now you knocked him off my boat. The S.S. Chepiquidic. See, we can make fun anybody. Ira. You killed her. You're a fuck you, rah. I want to replace the sun god. I was a lion in the Senate,

but I'm still in hell. Oh, he's definitely deep down there, dude. Actually, he was just white enough. It erased all the other crimes. As it often does. You could do anything if you're white. So basically now... Executive order.

Gerard Butler's plan, I guess, is that to have this demon eat the afterlife so that there is no afterlife. Correct. So then he just live on earth forever. He's really like... like not thinking about like the surprise draw butler character drow butler fucking plays doesn't think ahead but like he goes up there and he's like i want to be immortal dad and he's like there's no way for you to be immortal you have to eat hell and then maybe you

become he's like okay well i'm going to cue you anyway and then i'm going to i'm going to eat hell and then i'm going to be immortal and like tonight we do dine in hell That's right. That's right. To quote, Gerard Butler. I was going to say, you know what, man? I never thought I'd find myself sitting on the couch being like, I wonder what's going on on 300 right now. Yeah, it would be great.

You are praying to watch 300 watching this movie. I would pray on Olympus would fall and London would fall. I was eat prey loving. I was a straight, I think that was on a PS I love you. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's a fucking stupid movie. That's the awful truth. I was like...

Excuse me. Pardon me. It's the worst movie ever made. I was like, what's that movie where one of them is a bail bondsman and the other one is Jennifer Anderson? The bounty hunting. They filmed part of that movie right down the street from my old apartment. Right on our corner. Oh, where you guys used to live?

And I remember being like, oh, cool, it's a movie set in New York. Let's go read with the movie. the posting says, oh, the new Gerard Butler movie, keep walking. He worked in that movie. He worked for a bail bond company. They left that decal for the Bail's Bond company on that

empty storefront. Forever. For like a year, I was walking through that fucking movie for like a fucking year. Wow, it's been surreal. It's like walking through Tune Town. Bad movie Tune Town. Man, that's a frightening place to stroll through. You know what, if I'm in Gerard Butler, Butler,

movie town, give me the dip. Give me the fucking. And he talked like them. I like that. I like that idea. There would be no American, there'd be no American government

because everybody would be dead. Yeah. Sure. Many presidents would have been. A lot of Catherine Heigles. A lot of, there'd be nothing we can. Every fifth woman is Catherine.

A couple Jennifer Aniston's. Oh, man. That sounds like a nightmare. And it's all this sacrifice. by the way, is also that he can just say goodbye to Zaya like at the afterlife. She sacrificed herself just so Beck can be like

bye. Oh, I guess. Oh, my hand went right through you. Well, this was useless. You're buying a nice house in heaven and she's going to keep it for you until you get there. Oh, I see. Well, I think, yeah, the thing was he's going to give her that amulet because she's poor as fuck and she sees that old lady disintegrate

in front of Giuliani's eyes. And he's like, here, take this. So then, you know, you can have something to offer these fucking monsters. And she's like, nah, that's cool. But then, like, Gerard Butler kills raw and the whole thing gets turned on its head. Yeah. And, you know, how convenient is this? Yeah.

And then everyone makes fun of the rent is too damn high guy because he talks funny. But he's actually got a lot of good ideas. Yeah, but good ideas don't matter anymore. Yeah. Not with that facial hair, no. Oh, God. So what happens now? Well, then the Langalear is going to come to Earth next.

He's Pac-Manning the earth. And basically they're like, oh, we have to go to the big temple for the big fight. Let's get there. And they're taking an elevator, Horace and Beck are. And Rufus Sewell. And Rufus Sewell, because he's got to show them where everything is. And then Horace is like, I'm going to hit the really slow way and scale this building. Sure, because I'm big and musselie and whatever.

And then, of course, Rufus Sewell and Beck get into a fight because who could care. He gets Hans Gruberd that Rufus Sewell. He goes right over the side. I like it. I was totally fine. I did want to see him land, though. You know, like, let's just do it. All right, God's of Egypt.

Or you know what? Even like a far away, and I just see like a tiny black thing like bend by a rock. Or yeah, he can Titanic himself on the way down. He hits a fucking pole. Rufus Sewell as propeller guy. Or that guy from the rock who gets impaled on the fence. Yes. You know what?

Because of a propeller guy, we forget about that. that guy. I wanted to shit some light on, you know, Michael Bay's only good movie. But he should at very least explode in a fantastic spray of blood and bones.

Yes. Yeah. Or like he gets, he gets down there, there's a bunch of spikes and noob sideback goes, Dusty! And goes to the way,

like something. Give me something. I agree with that. This movie needed a nobibon cameo big time. Wait, now, I don't know much about much.

But is nobibon an Egyptian gone? Is that name from? That might be true. It's from the heavens, I think. I think you're right. Oh, he was an... Oh, no, no, he was an ancient astronaut.

This movie got its special effects from Midway Games. They definitely do. So we're fighting on the top of this tower, man. And we turn... He turns into the megazord with the big thing and the wings and everything. You cut to this, like, cheap robot in a command center and she's like, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye.

And you're like, that's weird. But the funny thing is, like, He goes to this whole transformation process. These things are barely attached. He rips the wings off so easily. Yeah. He picks the, is it the eyeball? Yeah, the eyeball right out.

Grape off a vine. It's like, what are we talking about? Why did you even bother with this? And also, if you want to hear the bullshit, man. The real bullshit. Oh, shit, man. His fucking Horace is about to get his second eye back. Yeah.

And fucking Beck, the idiot, is in trouble. about to fucking fall to his death and I am just praying for him to go man and this is bullshit it's bullshit and I'll tell you why it's bullshit because here is Horace he's trying to save all the land all of Egypt

and he has to subscribe to the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few let that turd fall yes exactly to the burning chaos below yes that's actually die that's what Horace's whole like kind of arc is it's like he's really selfish but it's like oh no it's about all of the people who worship you sure so it's not about

this little guy, this little friend of yours. He represents the people. I see. But then they just make it a double bit of bullshit because the whole thing at the beginning of the movie, he's like, oh, I can't turn into my animorph because I don't have both of my eyes. Sure.

But then he just does. That's the same thing that happened to Sammy Davis Jr. actually. Oh, that's right. He could not animorph. That's why he got stuck in the rat pack. Same with Peter Falk, right? Yeah, that's why he got stuck in the rat pack.

The Cassavetti's pack. I'm sorry, Cassavetti's pack. I can't turn into the lion anymore. I lost one of my eyes. I would love to turn back to the lion. I know you were playing in and putting in husbands. I know it would have been a good part. I know.

Give me a couple weeks. Maybe a couple years. See if I could do it for husbands two. Husbands two still beating our wives. Just yelling at each other. But then like half the movies is just a lion chained up in a room. Husbands two still debasing that German waitress. It's basically what Mikey and Nicky is.

Oh, man. So then Gerard Butler just gets murdered at some point. They have a big fight. They have a big fight. He stabs him a bunch. And now he looks like he looks like the end of a fucking Bos Lerman movie, man. There's gold all over. He was like, oh, you can't kill me.

I'll let you live once. Dude, it was like that rassler gold dust had diarrhea. The gold looks really shitty. It's not a really good plug. I don't know. You know, it's weird. Like non-red blood is just always silly. Except for actually Of course it is because it's not real.

Ian Holm blowing up like a fucking milk crate in alien is pretty fun. Who is he blowing? No, when he has that Android freak out in alien and his white shit going everywhere. Oh, that's right. That ain't bad. That's not bad. Him and

Bishop Lance Hendrickson gets it in aliens. He's just swimming in milk. But that is, it's a no robot. I guess like that's a thing versus this guy who like, he's only different because he's a few feet taller than everybody else. He's George Muriss on.

Black Blood and we are what we are. The opening. Cannibal movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that ain't bad. I like that. I thought that was good. You know what doesn't work though? Gold. I kind of like the gold blood. All right. It's stupid. Very stupid.

Incredibly so. But you're watching gods of Egypt. Sure. you know what you're already A fair point A fair point So he's dead He's dead

And then Jeffrey Rush Is brought back to life Almost immediately Well because Jeffrey Rush Has been like falling to Earth For like an hour and a half He's taking the slow boat back to Earth And he

Horace goes and restores his position And like the weird thing is like When Gerard Brutley goes up to He's like Finally someone to take my place I could retire Yeah And then like Horace is like

Well see you later And he is dead I'm leaving you in the home Yeah, you can just keep fighting that demon forever, goodbye. Which he does. He comes back. He says, all right, come on. Fire semen.

But then he starts to lose it and writes something on the wall in his turd. Like the savages. I thought you were making a quills joke. You must bring me my quills. There we go. Either or, same difference. You know what we got it all together. You're seeing Jeffrey Rush ding-dong in that movie, too.

Oh, nothing but. He's flapping around. You know it, dude. How is that shaping up? That's all right. I saw it in theaters on the big screen. That and the feces. It was just magical.

Oh, man, quills and IMAX 3D. Now we're really getting it. Talk about large format. Oh, God. That's stupid. Man, I can't wait until I get to the age where I'm writing shit on the wall. I mean shit. So, like, at the end of the movie, like, Horace is king of Egypt.

Everybody comes back to life. Yeah. Which. whatever Chubaca is honored Did Chubaca die? Chewbacca finally got that medal That Leia snubs him on

But yeah, Abe Lincoln is there Yeah, everyone Everyone's there Era Oh, don't bring back that dame Oh yeah Ira, leave her in that river The river

The river sticks Oh God So, but at the the end of the movie we're setting up a sequel here because like Beck is like the advisor to the king he's like oh you know by the way thank you for saving my life he's like yeah

I realized that I didn't learn a lesson it's a movie that's what you do that's right by the end of it I should probably learn somebody again turns out I'm a protagonist even though nobody wanted me to be one so he's like oh by the way I kept this bracelet that you know that can get your

girlfriend out of hell Elity Young there and it's like oh okay well I'll I guess I have an adventure for the sequel. Which how is it not, I mean, this movie ends with him, like, flying all through town? Why don't they fly right into the ground? I should say that he brings back every... He also brings back a Zaya there. Yes.

Zaya is a lot. Well, because also, what's his name fucking dies for two seconds? Even though it was impossible for the entire movie. Yeah, sure, sure. Yeah, but, like, Chadwick-Bosman's hanging out. That winged lady is back. I don't know if the snake ladies come back. I think they stay in the ground.

evil. And they also make a point they're like by the way audience, Brian Brown isn't coming back because oh, I don't know. He'd already crossed in the afterlife. Yeah, he doesn't want to you know, Jamie Lannis is going to be king now. He doesn't want to give back to the old man. He's also chopped up.

He was chopped up? That's the legend is that he was chopped. Oh, this movie doesn't have anything. No, but they do say he's chopped up. Oh, do they? And it's off screen. It's off screen. It's like, oh, and then they've chopped up my father and scattered him about. No, And the desert would salt it with my mother's tears.

Can I tell you what the, so Horace, the character, this is where it is good to have a art historian for a wife. Sure. Horace, so what happens in the actual legend is that happens. He gets cut up, scrawled everywhere. The only thing that ISIS can't find is the cock. Yes. So she makes a golden cock and inseminates herself with it. And that's how.

Horace is born. This is how they're funding ISIS. Chris Cabin's gods of Egypt game. 10 stars out of 10 from a fake IGN review. It's really weird and really gross and I would have rather that stay in the movie. You won't last five minutes

playing this game. What does happen to Brian Brown's dick? That's my question. I think it's with the rest of Brian Brown. You know, there's the biggest piece of shit when they, right before the snake ladies come, they're in this like what turns out to be a cemetery, but it used to be like a garden that Brian Brown cultivated.

And there's like this 10, not even 10, like a five second flashback of like the way this garden used to look. And Brian Brown's walking like, hello, I'm back in this movie. And then he's gone like instantly. And I was like

no, there should be a whole flashback scene with Brian Brown and then like, you know, Horace as a little kid maybe. How cool is that? You want this movie to be longer? Yeah, yeah. Really. You're You want to go the full dark night, huh? No, just fucking cut something else. Yeah, cut anything out.

Figure something out. Yeah. Oh, and, oh, the biggest, like, dumb-ass thing they do with the CGI in this movie. So, like, Horace is in his mech suit and he's flying all over the place. And he decides to, like, fly along the Nile at the end. And they have the balls to have fake water come up and hit the camera. Fucking suck it. I hate that.

Blood hit in the camera. Water hitting the camera. so dumb. That's your IMAX 3D there. That paid for your ticket. Oh man, that didn't make anything. It's like I was there. It didn't make anything worth $19. What is the 4DX thing? You could skip that,

right? Wait, that's when they like you got a butt massage? Yeah, you're in like a chair. And a young boy hands you a soda. And you're having a time with the movies. Yeah, you're spanned. Your seat vibrates. It's like a rumble

pack. It's a rumble pack. It's a A rumble pack for your ass. And then smell of vision? Sure, that's a thing. Fans you while you watch Miss Peregrins. There's like mist in there too, I think, right? Oh, there is mist. Maybe a spray, yeah, look, yeah.

You know what? Here's the thing. Just let me watch a movie. That'd be great. Can I please watch a movie, you desperate fucks. You desperate creatively bankrupt fucks. And it's just like, I almost bought a ticket. It was like 25 bucks.

I'm like, well, that's too much. I was like, 4DX. No. Yeah, you can watch God. of Egypt with a fucking butt plug up your ass 4DX Yeah You just try and last five minutes in gods of Egypt

Ten stars Fake IGN review Oh my God Well aside from Eric who's a yes Would anyone recommend this movie? I wouldn't I wish it was a little shorter And I do wish they kind of

It is almost a campy Like piece of shit But it believes in itself too much And Alex Pryas Who I think Dark City is a cool movie you know and the dark city is great I love the crow

is really really good knowing that's a fucking turd oh yeah Eric and I saw that in theaters one's sad Wednesday night yeah I don't recommend that one

that's a no for me that's a huge no for me no absolutely no this is boring as fuck Eric why'd you like it because the thing is like you're

one thing I like about it is it's a it's try you like you said it's trying yes so it fails on its own merit it's like it's an actual bad movie yeah it's not like a wink at the camera bad movie that's sure and it's it's it's dumb and colorful and i'm not saying it's a good movie

i'm saying if you want to get wasted on a sunday afternoon because your life's in disarray like some of ours sure you know whatever you enjoy yourself but i don't think then that that would necessarily qualify as a hangover movie because this movie for me is like just one hair away from being a hangover movie. It's got the length, that's for sure. Don't worry about that. It's too kind of eluded. Yeah, I'm like, who's doing what and why? Too much is going on.

Yeah, you can par this down. Just let go. Let go Indiana. That's Gods of Egypt, directed by Alex Proyas. If you want more, we hate movies, check out WHM podcast.com. Like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter, and write into the mailbag. We all hate movies

at gmail.com. Rate and review the show. Wherever you get it, we would greatly appreciate that of course what do we got going on next week it's a little movie called Independence Day Resurgence it's resurgence it's resurgence it's fucking resurgence I'll tell you that

Steve it's not regeneration I've not seen this movie yet so I don't know what I'm oh my God I've not seen it either can I tell you I'll tell it here as like a tease for the episode so I saw this movie and you won't last five minutes through Andrew's teeth oh man

this tease 10 stars on a fake IG and ID Edge. I'm going to download Andrew Jubin's T's. I saw this movie at an exhibitor screening and there was a bunch of fox people there. And I don't know who... Silver foxes.

This dude was a silver fox, but I don't know their name, so it's not like I'm naming anybody. So like the movie's... The movie lights go down, you know? And the logo comes up and it's like two seconds into this movie and this like big... He's clearly a big

Fox so-and-so because he's at a Fox Exhibitor screening wearing like a suit that could own me. Okay. And he leans over to the dude next to him and he goes, yeah, this is a real shit show. And I'm just like, got it. It's strapped in. For ID-4-2.

Oh. Where there's a painting of Will Smith. We'll get to it next week. We'll get to the painting of Will Smith next week. Until then, I'm Andrew Juppen. Stephen Seda. Eric Siska. Chris Cabin. Take it easy. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.