We Hate Movies - S7 Ep286: Episode 286 - Independence Day: Resurgence

Episode Date: January 31, 2017

On the final (Some of the) Worst of 2016 episode, the guys tackle the total who-was-asking-for-this sequel, Independence Day: Resurgence! Why does the CGI look so terrible in this major blockbuster? Why did we need to squeeze back in the characters played by Vivica A. Fox and Judd Hirsch? And are we really aping Aliens this much? PLUS: This film officially dethrones Super Mario Bros. for having the absolute most audacious sequel setup in film history! Independence Day: Resurgence stars Jeff Goldblum, Liam Hemsworth, Jessie T. Usher, Bill Pullman, Maika Monroe, Sela Ward, William Fichtner, Judd Hirsch, Charlotte Gainsbourg, and Brent Spiner; directed by Roland Emmerich.Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

this is a headgum podcast on today's program this is the last of some of the worst of 2016 it's a film well i never thought would exist but boys my face read independence day colon resurgence i'm andrewp and stephen say that chris cabin eric siska and we hate movies Please. Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies on HeadGum. That's right, everybody. We are so happy to be part of HeadGum, the HeadGum family.

I like saying HeadGum, by the way. That sounds nice and sweet. We were pretending we didn't know what it was. That was a bit we were trying to do. You kind of steamrolled all. Well, you did it, and then no one else said anything. So I just, you know what? I steamrolled it for the good of the show.

Hey, chew on that. Oh, brother. Chewy, we're home. We're on HeadGum now. We are very happy to be joining this great stable of shows, and thanks to HeadGum for showing some interest, checking us out. It's true. I'm shaking Amir, all of it. It's true.

Good, good God. I think that is a non-fictional podcast, so. No, it is. If I were you. We were thinking of going to Cerebral Mint, but... Cerebral Mint. Wow, that sucks. Yeah, but we went to headgum.

We wanted to chew on it. And now we're off of headgum. And that's that. No, we're happy to be here. Now, I want the program. I can think of no better way to debut on HeadGum than talking about Independence Day resurgence, first of all. Because what on earth are we fucking doing here with this movie existing?

Look, I'll be honest with you. If we were on the show, I would never talk about this movie to anyone. It is embarrassing. I don't, I watch this movie and I watch, you know, I watch a lot of movies. I couldn't make heads or tails of it. I was like, wait, why is any of this happening? Who are all these white people? But that's the script you're talking about first and four.

It's one of the worst screenplays. It's unbelievable. It's so bad. And I'll tell you, if you had a Venn diagram and it was Independence Day 96 and Independence Day colon resurgence 2016, it's almost just a purple circle with a red and blue circle going over each other. It's almost purple. It's the same movie.

But inside that resurgence blue sliver, it looks like the chalkboards in a beautiful mind. It's just cluttered to shit with all this stuff that nobody wanted. Like Braywan Biner's office. It would be great if a lot of shit in this turned out to be imaginary. Like, it was just Bill Pullman having his crazy dreams. Oh, man. You want, the movie's so bad. Just fake me out.

That's great. Dude, and then it's twist ending, right? He just wakes up and like his daughter is just sitting there like, you all right, dad? And he's like, oh, it's fine. I just thought they came back. And she's like, no, no, no, it's cool. Don't worry about it. Well, where's Dr. Okin?

Well, he's still in that coma, of course. Oh, no, he's dead. Yeah, that's actually better. Yeah, he's fucking long dead because he's definitely dead. Wait, where are the tugs? Oh, man, the tugs. We're the tugs. We're fucking tugging it all over this movie.

I had a dream that you weren't Mae Whitman, that you were Micah Monroe. That's really weird. That would be awesome, actually, if it's a twist ending and you wake up and uh uh uh may whitman is just sitting there may whitman too old or something to be in this movie or whatever i'll tell you what too short to stand next to thor's brother i guess that's what that is i would think so that's a little shitty everybody whoa we're gonna replace and they also killed that other lady because she was too old david tell them yeah david tell them margaret colin they're like only silver foxes could remain in this universe it's fucked up but i will

tell you one thing boy does jeff goldblum look fabulous There's a scene where Bill Pullman with his fucking cool hipster beard. Wait, you think Bill Pullman has a cool hipster beard in this? No, he does. It's a sexy faculty meeting. That's a crazy man who just got a shower. He's like the cool, no, he's the cool, complet professor that invites you in a special group of friends over. I think, I think you've got to split the difference here.

I think you're both on to something. It's sort of like David Letterman's beard now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like really cool, but like. I guess this is the problem is that Bill Pullman has like half a mouth hanging open the whole time. And like his eyes are twitching all which way. Well, whatever happened. I mean, like clearly he went through trauma.

But there's no alien trauma from that first movie. Look, anything that happens to a character, you know, in a sequel, if we're seeing like the final result of something that happens to a character in the sequel. And it didn't happen, you know, the cause of whatever that is didn't happen in the first movie. Yeah. You got to fucking say something. He can't just be limping around in this movie. Well, he, like, I think that he has trauma from, like, the telekinesis thing that happened.

Yeah, or telepathic. Well, let's, let's just fucking say it then. It's ventriloquy, right? Because they just use them as a ventriloquist dummy, right? They do. Die. Yeah, they're just using them like a Jeff Dunham puppet. Oh, man, Ahmed the dead alien terrorist.

Hey, Ahmed, tell them that they're going to die. Well, it's like, yeah, no, the alien is, like, doing a shitty human impression, you know? Right, yeah. Which it's like, you think about the first, because listen, this movie, all it does, you can just look at a scene in this movie and find its sister scene from the first movie that you can do with every scene in this movie. Now, that scene where, and we're going all over the fucking place here, but there's a scene where Bill Pullman does the same thing that happens to Brent Spiner in the first movie. The first movie, it's Brent Spiner, and Bill Pullman's talking to the alien. It's like, what do you want us to do? And he just goes, duh, and it's fucking great.

This, Bill Pullman is like relaying lines of dialogue that this alien is saying. On the fourth moon of the Jupiter's sun comes the wrath of the... Did you say Jupiter's son? Yes. Well, it's also our son. That's true. Yeah, but you know what? They're stupid aliens and they don't know what they're talking about.

And maybe I'm stupid for being Earth-centric. well I was thinking it would be really great if they like so the first time they go to do this all the aliens and they wrap the thing around their neck yeah yeah and they're just playing the wrong buttons so like the guy shits himself and just like burps sorry about that codos I hit the brown note oh man like they could take like this is why they abduct people is they take them home to the home planet and they practice on them you know yeah it's like learning the guitar it's like not good for a while but then you're doing like a nice cup cover of the Gettysburg Address. Eventually. A cover. That's like the stairway of heaven of human impressions. Presidential speeches. Oh, rocketed.

Kanglor, you did it, man. So this movie, I didn't mention, by the way, is also directed by Roland Emric. You didn't think he could get worse than Stonewall, but look what happened. Oh, I didn't see Stonewall. I still have not seen that. You're not missing a goddamn thing. Bit of a shit show. It's terrible.

Bit of a shit show. This is terrible, too. I mean, this movie. isn't disgracing real world history so much as it's just disgracing like movie history like stuff that doesn't matter. It's alien history as well. It's alt-world history.

It's just like lazy shit. Like this to me is the most like just do the same thing we did, change it enough to fucking, you know, make sure that we don't get yelled at or anything. To be fair, I wish that's what we were doing here. I just feel like we're, towards the end of this movie, we're an uncharted territory.

Yes, the third act is different. And the problem is the, first movie is filled with great character actors like literally wall to wall people that can hold the scene even crazy fucking Randy Quaid and this is like a fucking H&M dumpster a mannequins you know what I mean like you go

outside of an H&M there's a homeless guy jerking off and it's a bunch of fucking people wearing thin, dead-eyed people wearing thin coats and he's just like ah sorry and then the H&M manager's like don't worry about it Jimmy we didn't want any of them anyway don't dent the Hemsworth

dude yeah second tier your Hemsworth. Thanks for nothing Independence Day. We've had enough of the Hemsworths. Let's just stop it. I'm going to have to deal with Thor for another 30 years, but like, yeah, I don't need Chris Hemsworth. There's not like a Paul or something. Is there, no one else is coming down to think.

There's a younger one. There's a third. Yes, there is. It's like Greg or something. And he's younger. So he might show up. No, no. This is Liam. He will. He will. I think he's already shown. Oh, yeah. Oh, no. Hemsworth resurgence. Isn't he the dude from Westworld, who's the security guy?

Oh, shit, he is. That's a Hemsworth. Come on. That's him. It's a slightly different model of Hemsworth because he's like, he's got, he's like a, like a, almost, I don't want to say stockier build, but he's like a bigger dude in a way. Yeah, he's like that, he's like the white guy, he's like the white guy from Blacklist, the security guard on that show. There's a lot of security cards on the show.

What we need is. James Spader. is our new emperor to, you know, stretch out. Well, it's a God emperor, first of all. Yeah, stretch out that racist wall that he's going to bankrupt this country. Yeah. Put it into Hollywood and like, let's keep some of these Hemsworths out. You know what I mean?

That is something I can get behind. Yeah, exactly. You know what are your Hemsworth papers? We need the wall along the Pacific to keep Australia out. I love our listeners in Australia. Yes, yeah. But you know what? You're taking our acting job.

Yeah, exactly. Make a movie there. They do. the time. Well, make some more. Well, to be fair, we took their Kate Blanchett. Yeah, that's true. I think we could send her back. Oh, no, not on

my, not on my wife. I don't think so. Oh, my goodness. Hollywood royalty. Oh, yeah. Kingdom of the Crystal skull right in here. That's the royalty, right? So I guess, I mean, do we do the synopsis? I don't know. Hey, hey, did you see independents? They're back. It's the same movie.

It's 20 years later. Yeah. Everything looks shitty. Um, this is, it's, it's a bad CGI screen. You can tell so much in every scene. You can just tell it like the background's clearly every one of them. It's terrible. We get future DC, right? And there's like, yeah, fancy helicopters that have like, you know, floating powers. The tugs. Well, yeah, the tugs. Well, it's, that's kind of a cool thing. Like the first time I saw the movie before I knew how bad it was, I was like, oh, this is an interesting idea. We've, We've co-opted the alien technology. So maybe we'll, like, kind of do something with that. Oh, not really? Okay. But they also mentioned that, like, all the nations unite.

So it's a one-world government. We're in a Star Trek. We got a one-world government. Star Trek dot Pigsblood. Info. Satanic ceremonies. USA fleet. Catch him in bed with a Pullman.

I wonder what kind of small alien is inside of Alex Jones. You know what I mean? Like, clearly, clearly that's a meck suit, right? You know what? If you broke Alex Jones open and a little thing came out so a fucking African dude with a sword could cut its head off, which is what happens in this movie. I'm really okay with that. Yeah. What if he broke open as an alien?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I think it would probably look like Mac and me. Exoskeleton. W. Yeah, it would look like morality serum to keep your exoskeleton natural lubricated. It would be Mac and me, dude, because he'd have to immediately run to fucking. McDonald's. And maybe that

British idiot will die of prison planet, whatever that guy's name is. Oh yeah, Paul something. Yeah, that guy sucks. Who? He's just this racist that hangs around Alex Jones. Oh, really? But he's got a British accent. Wait, there's only one? Well, he's like one of. He's like,

I think he's like second in command. Oh, okay. Is it a real English accent, though, or is he doing a fake one to keep the government off his tail? He's very prejudiced. Black Lives Matter. Oh, yeah. He's really upset about black. And he's It's white genocide. He's a big idiot about white genocide.

Oh, white genocide is one of the funniest fucking things you'll hear people bitch about. Are you sure he's just not a South African and he's taking it back or what? No, I believe he's British. So... Here's what this movie is, by the way. It's like a bad, no one cared for it video game sequel. Yes.

Like this should be out on a fucking Sega Saturn as if anyone cared. Because the beginning, it's like there's all these like different planets and it looks like shit. It looks like, you know, you're going to get in... You're at Disney, you're at MGM Studios, and Goldman's going to be like, uh, uh, the aliens are coming. So all we need to do is sit down and lock in, and here comes the fun ride. Look out for the steam.

Uh, uh, oh, uh, Biff stole the DeLorean. Uh, oh, man, I've never been more fucking disappointed in a theme ride than back to the future of the ride. What a hunk of shit that was. I, my little heart was broken when I finally made it to Florida to go on that thing. Oh, that's too bad. Yeah, it's so... You know what?

It was too much. Bad. Speaking about the video game angle of this movie is the military in this looks like like Wing Commander. Yeah. Or like, you know, like a starship troopers. Or Battlestar Galactica if it was bad, which it is not. It is good.

Clarification, it is good. The most good. Yeah, so I guess just at the stage, Cila Ward is president because Susan Sarandon could not understand the screenplay. Anyone else read that? No, is that true? But Seal Awards emails. How'd you get to be Presby with all the Seal Awards emails?

Oh, Seal Awards emails! The Illuminati is setting up private email servers all across Washington. State or D.C.? Dot W. Well, the funny thing is later in the movie when Seal Award is well dead, I think somebody's making a speech again it's Fickner

Fickner becomes president William Fickner William Fickner gets a bullshit fucking Bill Palmer's speech in this movie Yes he does But the funny thing is He does this thing

It's like we have to move past Our differences And I'm like We are 20 years after an alien apocalypse If we haven't moved past Our differences by now We've united as a world right Like the Chinese military is infiltrating the United States military.

No, I just saw this happen. It's a product of the war on Christmas. I knew it. And yet, Jeff Goldblum is buddy, buddy with a warlord. That's just stupid. Well, he's a great leader. I don't know what the problem is. That warlord.

Strong leader. Isn't it crazy, though, that Jeff Goldblum's character in this movie is kind of like the third most important person on the planet? Yeah, but he's also. like the fifth most important person in this movie, which is kind of bummer. This movie needs to be wall-to-wall Goldblum. I need these

fucking walls painted with Goldblum, man. It doesn't happen. I wanted to speak upon this because focus on the actors from the first movie. If you're doing this fucking revival bullshit, which is they're doing with everything now. Oh, they're doing it with everything now. But, like, why do we

need this, like, all these young bucks? It's horses. Yes, we need more. Older people in the movies. We do. We do. I mean, why not? But who's this for?

You're trying to attract those, that, the people that watched it in the 90s, right? Yeah. To a degree, but you also, you got to think like an idiot. Because that's what produces it. That's how you hire a Hemsworth. So then you just say like, oh, well, we need young people along with the older people. So you got Liam Hemsworth. And then you got your sexy Chinese jet pilot.

Right. And you got, I don't know who. this guy playing Floyd is. Nobody. Nobody dot. Nobody dot. He's like Jonathan Oliver. Not John Oliver. Yes. Yeah. Oh, that guy who stole John Oliver's fucking persona in the garbage. It was like a fat guy was wearing John Oliver's skin. He's not weird. He's like a fat John Oliver. I mean, he's a fat. He's a little

chunky. He's fatter than John Oliver. Yes. He's got a beer gut. He's been drinking the coronas. Yeah. But like, I thought you were talking about who's the, um, who's the geeky little friend who's just the Harry Connick Jr. Charlie? I think. Charlie, the fact that that guy doesn't burst into a pile of ash, his horseshit. But what, like, if you want to have your little, you got your sexy

ones for the movie to get the kids in here, get the sexy ones, I wish everyone at home can see what Eric's doing with his hands. He's like trying to like grab at me. You look like you're trying to milk Chris, okay? Well, he's a total babe. I swear. But the thing is like, have

two and develop them. Develop those sexy ones. I'm saying. Like don't, don't get me like a fucking, you know, cattle car full of them. I mean, from the, I mean, you're right. Of course you're right. But like, this is so clearly a product from beginning to end. There were so clearly like not think about if this is going to be good or not. Right. We're just thinking about can we get people into the fucking theater. But it's so convoluted with the, there's so many characters because you do shoehorn a lot of characters in the last movie. And you are introducing a lot of characters in the new movie.

Like, why did foghorn leghorn need to be there? at the end. He's a cartoon character. I was just saying there's too much. I thought you were implying that there was some guy that just came in with a big hearty southern accent. You know who doesn't need to be here, by the way? A fucking puppet Robert Loja.

He was a real person at the time. He was a stuffed corpse they propped up. You know what? Robert Loja died not knowing he was in his second Independence Day movie. You know what? I think he just thought he had been kidnapped. Like they put them in a suit and they make them stand up in this green room

And when Bill Pullman goes up now What like what was it? The female president's going to give this award And Bill Pullman's first of all He just shows up and stumbles up their coughing like I'm gonna do it Don't you see what's happening right now A fucking female president was dethroned by a mentally unstable

Fucking lunatic during a presidential address Do you not see the eye? irony in this movie. It's insane. And then everyone lets it happen. And he's an ex-president and he has Secret Service. And presumably she does as well. How does he get 100 yards to this

stage? It's amazing. It's a mile way. You know what, Bill Pullman? Just sit in this room will get somebody... Like, he's not sneaking onto this fucking platform. And also, he has a handler. If he fucking tells the handler, like, I'm going to go up to that fucking stage. That guy stinks. That guy

fucking fails at his job at the end of this movie. So the plot is sort of, we know the aliens are coming back, because obviously we're in the movie theater. And basically there's a base on the moon that Liam Hemsworth and his scrappy partner Charlie work in. Right. And they do stuff. And all of a sudden, a big ship comes to the moon, right? And stuff happens.

By the way, it's a ship that comes through a wormhole. Yes. Which is what happens. It's Nero. Yeah. Don't tell me it didn't happen. I fucking sat through this one. And Jeff Goldblum is in Africa with this warlord named Dekembe, which I know because of Dekembe Matumbo.

That's how I remember that name. And Charlotte Gainsburg. It's a disgrace that she's in this movie. It's her American debut. This is her big box office debuts what I had read on the IMDB. This is like this is her big mainstream. She's been in American movies before, right? I'm not crazy.

I don't know. And none of those Lars Van Trier movies count. And one of his underlings named Floyd. and they kind of figure there's this scene where they're like, oh my God, another alien ship just came into the stratosphere steal a ward, what do you want to do?

And Victor's like, blow it out of the sky. And she's like, yeah, sure, let's do that. Yeah, fuck it. They don't talk to it. They blow it away. And then I think somebody's like, oh, well, we should go see what's in that space. Hey, you know, we should go see what's in that space.

No, we're having a party first. And Andrews. They say they shut it down. No, no, no, no. Don't look at what those aliens were. We're going to have a party. We'll look at it tomorrow. We're like, oh, the party must go on.

Tomorrow. Yes. Like, governments work on tomorrow? There's enough people that some people can go to the party and other people can see what's going on with that fucking alien. Oh, don't be silly. Ever since Cila Ward instituted that four-day work week. Yeah. But to Andrews.

To Andrews, to Andrews point, Cila Ward's hawkish. Yep. Yeah, she is. Yeah, she is. Yeah, see what happened there. So she, but, like, At this point, Liam Hemsworth is on a space station and, like, there's a hijacks a ship to go to Earth to pick up Jeff Goldblum like it's just driving to your grandfather's house and coming back. And I think, and nobody blows this thing out of the sky.

Nobody blows out of this guy, which definitely would have happened. But also, like, it's not explained. I think like Goldblum and Hemsworth have a backup plan where it's like, hey man, in case of another. alien breach, come to wherever I am and pick me up and bring me to Washington. It's this totally unexplained thing because he's just like, hey, I'm stealing this

thing, so don't worry about me. And then leaves. To go get him. Because they're best buds. There's like some line where it's like, oh, they're best buds. I was like, oh, what? And then they just go and like they do it. And it doesn't make any sense. You cannot, after watching this movie, blame Will Smith for not

being in it. No. I mean, you really can't. But isn't he? Dude, and this is that fucking portrait. Oh, man. Outside of Steel Awards. They took a screenshot of the DVD and printed it out. They did. They so did.

And the only way, by the way, that you, like, know what happened to him is if you went on the movie's website. Yes. Where it tells you that, like, Captain Hiller was flying alien technology and it crashed and he got killed. They bring it up in the movie. But do they say exactly what happened, though? He crashed. Oh, do they say? Yeah, he, the son says.

That's a test pilot or whatever. That's because, Andrew, you don't know that because that happens in the middle of a four-car pile-up of backstory. It's Micah Monroe who's now playing the Mae Whiteman role and this other guy playing Dylan, Dylan from Hiller's son from the first movie. And you just can't even hear what they're saying over the fucking B-Rumble of backstory. Like, you don't need to try to continue every character from the last movie. No, you really don't.

Do you know also None of you have mentioned it yet So I don't know if you noticed it But like when the movie starts Well first it's like They show you the aliens Watching video feed of Bill Pullman Making this queen

Yeah Manning her ding-ting Jesus it's just It's dumb And also like Don't show and you know Like video and audio From the first movie

Yeah In your first scene Because I really just want to watch Independence Day now Sure So after that it happens Then it cuts They have like a war memorial

type thing of all the people lost in the battle of 96 or whatever the war of 96. And by the way this probably means 9-11 didn't happen. Oh yeah. It couldn't happen. But it couldn't happen? It could happen. It could happen. Prisonplanet.Info.

It probably didn't, but I don't think it... It didn't happen because the world government wasn't trying to make it happen. No, on that wall, dude. Fucking clear as day right in the center of the screen. Randy Quaid. Russell Case just right there, dude.

Hey, boys, I'm back. I needed that country swagger. I needed that in this movie. I needed a character that was like, your crazed hillbilly that's going to figure it out. We are missing a derelict, to be honest. Larry the cable guy. Oh, that's a great idea.

That's who you fill that hole. That's great. This movie's stupid and dumb anyway. Why don't we have fun with it? It would be cool because it would be Larry the cable guy would play Russell Case's son from the first movie that he's just like I got really fat and I'm also ginger now and I'm no longer like part Native American or whatever I was supposed to be in that

first movie. KFC was the only fast food to survive the alien apocalypse. The war of 96. I just really hunkered down with that stuff. I ain't too much chick and now I look like this. Anyway, what's y'all doing? Oh my God, it would be so great if it was fat independence day and it was just wall to wall fat actors replacing all these characters. Oh man. Eric Stone Street as Bill Pullman. Yes.

No, exactly. I love this idea. By the way, that there's like a 12% chance that was a mad TV sketch. Fat Independence Day. Now, Frank Caliando stars in Fat Independence Day.

You get John Goodman to play Jeff Goldblum. Yes, yes. You know, like, this is really shaping up. Brian Cox, is Judd Hirsch? Yes. I'll take it.

Yeah, I'll take it. Who else is fat enough? Josh Gad is. Liam Hemsworth. And we can play the aliens, all four of us. That's true. We're fat monsters. Why not?

Oh, man. So, yeah, so it's like this alien gets shot out of the sky. That's like a thing. And yeah, we go, uh, go, how long does it take to go from the moon to Earth? It seems like it's... Yeah. Flat. Do they say two hours?

They never say it, but it clearly is only two hours. It takes longer an airplane, too. Remember that movie when they're flying to the moon? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it takes no time at all. Yeah, it's like driving to, I don't know, around the, you know, honestly, but like you already make it like wormhole technology and you can just, you go up and you go through a wormhole and you end up at the moon. Like, because you've already introduced the fucking thing. You've already introduced wormholes.

But no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, like, let's not get nuts right now. That wormhole is technology possessed by a different alien race. Yeah. That's what we're told in this movie. Now there's two different alien races. That's not the bad aliens. But the moon... That's the good alien.

The way you travel... Sorry. No, go ready. The way you travel to the moon, it's like if you went to school on the moon, you wouldn't be entirely sure if you should commute there or stay there. Like, you know what I mean? Like, it's a bit of a hassle to get there every day, but it's not that bad. Like, depending on the money situation.

The spaceships are better, though. They're faster with this new technology. You don't know what's going on. Sure. But you would, like, shit yourself every day on your way to school. and the way back because once you leave the Earth's orbit, don't you like auto shit? No, is that true?

You should have asked that astronaut that when you met him. He was an old man at the time, though. He would have told you straight, man. Independent State 3 moon school? He was telling about the overview effect. I'm almost positive that Glenn put that in one of his speeches. No, I think like wait when you break like that rocket's going fast, man.

You think that shit can stay in your body? Yeah. The gravity alone is forced to have out. I will say I didn't see a bathroom in this in this tug. They don't need it. It's in their suits. Well, that's actually true. There's a suction thing right on your butthole.

Okay. Is that true? I don't think so. It's the future. Maybe that's part of the technology that we cover. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. Oh, I don't even know. So, like, basically, Liam Hems.

Liam Hems was picks up this warlord who he was in a ground war with the aliens for 20 years, yet nobody else decided to help him Did anyone hear this? Well, because it's the thing, right? Am I remembering right? So like when all the, like when the mother ship was destroyed and then all the other aliens crashed

like the rest of the ships crashed around the world, I guess like we did spend time battling aliens? Better movie. Hey, how about I want to see that shit? Set it in 97 and have it be a ground. Totally. It's, you know what? It's a fucking sci-fi sequel.

That's also a period piece. And then you can do your new cast. You know? And just have like Bill Pullman in a hologram or something. We're a radio voice and that's it. Well, you can't do all that in green screen. So I don't think that's going to be happening anytime soon. But so yeah.

Oh, sorry. Can we talk about how William Fickner comes into this movie? Sure. He's so he's called in because there is an alien thread as it turns out. The wormhole opened up. Yeah. And he's got to give them the okay to bomb it. Well, because he's, he's now.

the Robert Loja character. Yes. We get quite more. He is. No, I know. I know. Get him out of there. Loja orange juice.

For the first time you see Fickner walking down the hall, he's like, you know what? You interrupted a very nice weekend with my wife at a very nice bed and breakfast on a very nice. I fucked my wife. I fucked my wife. I fucked her brains out, and I was about to come, and then you called me. Oh, okay. So now I know this dude, like, has fucked vacations. Great.

Yeah. Let's get back to the movie. Hey, that makes a character. Yeah, rounds him out. That he has sex with his wife. That is an interesting trait. He likes to fuck in strange beds. That should come up again, though.

Like, he should have the call his wife, maybe. That's like introducing a gun in the first act and having not go off of the third. So now the other aliens show up. up right the big bad aliens they show up and like oh my god this ship is like a lot bigger i don't know how much definitely bigger than the last one says jeff goldblum while shitting his pants on the moon because it's just because no yeah the suction thing it's the future keep up he had no shit left in him unless he uh the suction thing uh it's it's part of you shoot right suck my butt suck in my butt suck in my butt yeah uh it's in my pants i got these

pants. Diesel jeans now will have suction machines because the alien technology I just shit right through my pants. He is so hippily dressed. Mr. Goldblum, Mr. Goldblum, it's time for your pills. Oh. So, wait, so Liam Hemsworth leaves the moon to go get him in Africa

to just then immediately bring him back to the moon. Because he wants to investigate. He's the only guy that's like, you know, maybe. And it's a quick 120 minutes. Yeah, it's like, maybe I want to see what's in that alien spaceship before the party. You know what I mean? We need a good guy with a spaceship. I've been saying it for

years. He's got like audio books. He's through like four chapters. One day he goes back and forth from the moon. And then also stowing away going back to the moon is Charlotte Gainsburg Dekeme the warlord and fat John Oliver. I'll get on board. I'm not on board with fat John Oliver

though. I'll be honest with you. You're just kind of worried about it because he also kind of looks like you. I know. But I Yeah, him in shape. Yeah, exactly. I look worse than this guy. So if he's fat John Oliver, what does that make me? Makes you Steve say that.

Gimley Oliver? Ghibli Oliver. It's a good name. You can't toss a dwarf. Gimley Oliver sounds like the name of like a silent film star that died in some heinous sex scandal or something. That's where I'm going to go. He died suck at Fetty Arbuckle's butt holes.

Oh, you got these new pants and you put them on and then you're shitting, you're shitting, you're shitting your pants, you're shitting your pants, shitting your pants. And it goes into a separate place. They're called Gimley Oliver's. Gimley Oliver, new jeans. I would pay for those jeans, man. I'd be shitting right now. You wouldn't even know it. It would come in handy with how many times you've shit your pants.

promo code brown note. Jesus. They pick up this thing and then it's like, oh, Oh, we should, then they see the new alien ship. And they're like, we should get back to Earth. They grab this egg. It's like a big, fat, stupid egg. It's like the only part.

So what happens is they bomb that fucking sphere that comes through the wormhole. Sure. And that's like a piece that falls off. Yeah. And then the ship goes back into the wormhole. That's the idea. It's like it's black box, essentially. What?

The thing that it's encased in. Yeah. Later, Brett Spiner has to use a stupid laser. Oh, right. But the thing is, it's, it would be. It would be a smart twist at the end of this movie is if the only way we could have defeated them is if we listen to these aliens

and there's just a bunch of dead aliens in this like ship. Oh, they had all the secrets so we're fucked. That's kind of what happens though. Because the little talking orb that we'll get to says to Brent Spiner, God, I can't, this is none of what I'm saying makes sense as I listen to it, come out of my mouth.

But she, she, the voice, this thing is like, hey man, we were coming. to help you and then you attacked us and now I'm the only thing left. It's kind of, if it were a better movie, if it knew like the weight of what that piece of dialogue meant, like you could have had a nice little

twilight zone ending. Yeah, exactly. But it's just totally just like a fucking fart in a mall, man. Like totally it missed. And these nice aliens are like the Wi-Fi people. Right? They're like, they're virtual. They've shed their bodies, which I think is great and I can't wait to do.

But like they exist just like, I don't know, in the cloud. Their consciousness is in like virtual reality. And Brent Spiner's like, that sounds cool. So Brent Spiner, by the way, who everyone thought and was really okay with being dead in the first movie. Sure. Yeah.

He's got more screen time than Gobloom in this. He does. He does. He's because apparently like they just tripled down on the Spiner in this movie because he was in a coma and this guy who we find out much later is his boyfriend, by the way. Much later. Oh, that is that what that is. as that dude is dead.

Yeah, you don't realize that until... Because they hold hands? They hold hands and they're crying. But no, at the in... I've held hands with men. On IMDB, they say specifically that the movie got a little bit of flack because of the gay character

or some nonsense. Yeah. Because, I mean, they don't say it, but it's just kind of there at the end. No, but it's totally there. But could that also just be people misunderstanding male emotion... But I mean, but it's also me.

Like, no, no, I'm sorry the two of you on the other side. of this table from me and Steve. They are clearly supposed to be a couple. Here's the thing is like when 9-11 was happening. Yeah, that's a good way to start. People held hands when they were jumping out of those buildings. That doesn't necessarily mean they were fucking.

Oh, man, you were gay on 9-11. I'm just saying like, don't stand next to me in heaven, brother. You got gay on 9-11. Dude, I'm, listen, here's what here's the thing. This character could be gay. He could not be gay. this is how a shitty Hollywood movie

tries to have gay characters in it. This is the best that they could bring themselves to do. Which is barely having a gay character. It's not. Yeah, it's not having a gay character. Because he's not actually... Oh, wait, we'll reveal him to be gay and then shoot him in the head, right then and there.

Well, that's a little bit better than J.K. Rowling, who revealed after the character was well dead and the books were all over. Which character was in? Dumbledore. Well, congratulations. He wasn't fucking in those books. He's not fucking nobody. He might have boners under those robes, but we never could tell.

How could you tell those robes? That is the number one reason to wear a robe. Those robes went for days. I haven't read that Fantastic Beast. He might be fucking in Fantastic Beasts. That's a great idea. I mean, that's the good thing about being in Wizard High School. No worry about boners.

Yeah, it's just like, I got boners all the time. Nope, nope, nope, no. Yeah, just fucking rocking them. Rocking them. Well, you could say Expelliamis, then it goes down, I guess. Oh, yeah. Debonicus. And you can say something to make them go up, right? Yeah, yeah. Rebonicus.

But what happens? Seattle. Erectorah. Yeah, that's erectorah. Also, Fantastic Bees isn't like a narrative book. It's a fake textbook. Oh. She wrote an original screenplay for that movie that's supposed to be not very good. Oh, I didn't read. I don't read J.K. Rowling. I don't read J.K. Rowling. I'm not on the high about it. I don't know. That sounded like a little bit.

of a high horse i think i heard a witty over there fine you're a high horse whittied at me fine well well if your if your erection spell lasts for more than four hours yes what do you do that you consult dumbled you have to consult yeah then you have to have a private counsel and they do like alchemy and pour some like toad juice on it or whatever the fuck a big snake niggini comes and bites it oh no what's a what's a niggini it's a big it's a big fucking snake that uh he he who shall not be named as a pet. The only reason I know that is because my favorite line is in that last movie

is when, uh, what's his face? Because I don't even know if that snake had a name until the end of that movie. And, uh, uh, a ray finds like, come, Nikini. Oh, Nikini. Dinner. You've got a big bonnet to bite.

Fuck, I got to watch these movies. You got to, uh, so, you know what's so stupid in another fucking detail of this movie that they try to make like hip and cool. is that we're in the first movie, you know, there's that great exchange where they're like, we got to go to Area 51

and Bill Pullman as the president is like, that exists? Like, it's really great, right? In this movie, Area 51 is a known thing. They've built it up. It's like fucking Manhattan. Like all the buildings that are on this thing. It's a tourist attraction at this point.

It looks like Vegas. I thought it was Vegas for a second. It's a city in the desert shit. It's fucking stupid. So this, the big ship, which, uh, is told to be as big as the Atlantic Ocean. Oh, bigger than the last one.

Uh-huh. It comes, crashes, and they also say it has its own gravity, which doesn't make any sense. It's so big it has its own gravity. Shouldn't it, like, throw off the gravity of Earth or something? Yes, there would be nothing left. If something had its own gravity crashed into this. Melancholia.

Yeah, somebody called Neil deGrasse Tyson and then hang up, but, oh man, prank calling Neil deGrasse Tyson? He doesn't deserve that? Yeah, he does. And they'd be like, hey, Neil, what did you think of Independence Day research? and said as he starts he just kind of like soft close the phone and he has no idea you're that fucking beeping in his ear

and he's just talking and he's just talking if you really want to get because he's going to hear the beeping immediately so what you have to do is just walk away from the phone oh that's good oh that's a good just leave it on a table somewhere and he's from a pay phone and just just leave it like hanging if you can find a pay phone but so um as it's crashing in this and the problem in the first movie like you have have the all those accounts it's really slow not slow but slow enough where like all these ships

kind of materialize it's like a real movie it builds to something you don't know what they're doing and they're right there and they all kind of sit above these things and when they strike it's really clear what's happening like right here comes a big dumb beam it's going to blow everything up i don't really know what happens in this part the ship comes in and everything kind of blowed up this is this is things go up because it's the gravity and then come back down super super super stupid oh it's Because this is what happens. Okay. The ship comes in and it has its own force field, which I guess is what they mean by its own gravity.

It has a huge force field that makes everything go up right under the force field. Well, it's getting sucked like they're, I guess the ship's gravitational pull is pulling things up towards it. But isn't it also a force field? I think it works. They're all force fields. I think you're getting the forest field mix. There's a force field later in the movie. But they don't have a force field yet.

I don't think so. It's just pulling things in because what it does is like it rips up a city in Asia. Like it rips up Hong Kong or something. And then because it's so big, it just instantly flies to England and then drops Hong Kong on London. Oh, is that what happened? Yes. That was so unclear. Yeah.

I thought it was because it's, it's big, it's as big as the Atlantic Ocean. Uh-huh. And I just thought it was landing and like coastal cities were being destroyed. Yeah. And then what's really stupid is that it lands and it's like, oh, got so close to the White House and knocked the flag off on top. But it still stands.

That flag still stands. Yeah, it's also stupid because it's like, remember the first movie where it done got blown up this time the fucking flag gift over? I don't even remember that. I guess they fucking rebuilt it. There's no, by the way, there's no line about. By the way, this is

the third White House. This one surprisingly was still built by slaves. Well, you got to get it built pretty quick. But I don't know what's even happening. Judd Hirsch is on a boat and he like narrowly, like all these fucking people in Hong Kong are dying. And he's just like, well, I better make my boat go quick. Guess what I could have done with that?

Judd Hirsch. Fucking Judd Hirsch. And here's the thing. I love Judd Hirsch. Judge Hirsch's fucking acting royalty. He's a genius on taxi. He's great in the first movie too. And he's great in the first movie he is.

But you know what? Julius Levinson needs to have passed away. in the last years. I would have never thought in 1996 that Judd Hirsch would outlive all the cast members of this fucking movie. Will Smith long in the ground. David Tellum,

long dead. It's a, I can't believe it. Reddy Quaid, killed by the star fuckers. And he, and spoiler Wackers, I apologize. Spoiler alert, he outlives Vivicae Fox and fucking Bill Pullman. All right, so let's talk about Vivicay Fox. She's in this movie for a second, because

the kid. And the problem is also like, this should be Dylan's movie. It should be like the son of David Hiller, like that's of Captain Hiller. He goes through and he's the one and like it makes sense because he's got a relationship. He's got a relationship with Michael Marco, Bill Pullman's

daughter, Monroe. Monroe, sorry. And that makes sense. That's a movie. William Hemsworth makes zero sense in this movie. No, he did, yeah, he doesn't need to be a character. And like, oh, and heaven the fuck forbid or do one of the other. Maybe. Or make a his fun friend in the military.

He should be the Harry Connick Jr. He should definitely die. Because he's got four storylines. None of which I care about. And they have this weird fucking top gun thing going on. They sure do. Kilmer Cruz shit. Yeah, they sure do. Who is the top dog in the academy?

I almost killed you in the academy. They almost punch each other. But like as... We're friends. Yeah. So as there's some sort of ceremony like wherein when David Hiller's son, Dylan Hiller, is flying back.

He goes past a hospital. He goes to his mom's hospital. Vukai Fox stopped being a stripper and got her a degree. Which is amazing. She is the actual living embodiment of all the time. Strippers are like, I'm just doing this to get through school. And you're like, whatever. It happened in this movie.

She did it. Probably happened sometimes. Somebody's got to go to sleep. But it's always like, I'm getting my way through art school. Do you want to dance? I need to get it. my way through our school. No, I was brought here by a friend. I don't want to be here right now.

I mean, that's our total, total babe Chris Cabman got through art school that way. Well, look, I didn't say we could talk about that on air. I mean, I thought I made it clear. He's a fucking excellent dancer. Yes. No, I know. That's the kind of dance and I meant. He's about to drop a C and D

on me, you know, telling me the hush. A little flexible as well, but he goes to her hospital and we're like, you know, the whole ship is doing something to the earth and it's coming, and he's like, oh, I better save my mom. And, like, he sees, he's like a million miles away. Also, you're in the fucking military.

Why is everyone in the military going like, well, I've got to go see what mom's up to. Follow your fucking orders. There's bigger things at play here. And I don't, you know, like, let go a mom, dude. But because everyone is just stealing spaceships in this movie. It's insane. How many people are stealing spaceships?

There would be so many court marshals after this. Yeah. And he just sees, his mother is in like two states away on top of the building and she falls, he's like, no, mom, like, how do you even know? Well, it's also, no, no, no, no, dude, he is

right there though, because what happens is she has this moment where it's like, come on, pregnant lady, or a woman with a baby, like, let's go, I'm not going to let you dad. So, like, she, he comes in with the, with the fucking tug or whatever it is. And he's like, all right, like, come on.

They call him tugs. And so, like, she lifts the woman with the baby up. Yeah. And then the building collapses and she falls into a collapsing building. What a way to go. Why have her in this movie? I don't need to see the fate of Vivica, a Fox.

Like either have her or don't have her. I'm glad you disobeyed orders, broke millions of protocols, and flew out there to watch your mom die. Yeah. And here's how you cut. You continue to get this down to a nice tight 95 minutes. Oh, that's never going to happen. But you get rid of fucking Vivica.

Hey, Fox, he calls on a phone. She doesn't pick up. That's it. Oh, no. He must be gone. He goes to a fucking, he goes to a fucking tombstone. Yes, that, yes. Jeff Goldblum, start the movie.

He's at the fucking cemetery. David Tellum's been buried. Jeff, uh, Judd Hirsch is already there. Maybe they're all buried on the moon. Maybe that's kind of fun, right? Like a little moon cemetery. I like that idea, right?

Oh, yeah. That's probably got to be pretty easy to dig into that stuff, too. They threw everything else in this, Steve. Why not? Moon Cemetery would be amazing. Think of all like you get like space ghosts. Yes, absolutely. Zorak is there.

Brack shows up. It's a fun talk show that's really influential. You know, that's really interesting. Yeah, totally. That'd be amazing. That'd be much better than this movie. It could be a sequel to that. I think it's, is it a Rupert Everett movie?

Cemetery Man? Yes. It could be fucking Moon Cemetery Man. It's a sequel. You get Rupert Everett back. It says fall in love with moon zombies, yeah. Yeah, totally. Oh, dude, yeah, moon zombies right there.

Walter Codin. Get Walter Coneck from Moontrap. Let's get it going. Hey, by the way, I think I said this to like Eric or something last night. Maybe all of you guys, I'm calling it right now. Moontrap 2, the movie that's coming out that nobody could possibly care about will be better than Independence Day resurgence. I bet. In some way.

And by coming out, do you mean released on Vimeo? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I meant by. coming here. It's definitely going to look better. Someone accidentally will upload it to YouTube from the production. By the way, William Fickner has like an alien jail

or something in this movie. Oh, right. We've captured a bunch of them. Chris saying it would, Moondrap 2 would look better reminded me of how bad this looks. This is your video game cutscene. These are the fakesest looking aliens. Do you guys remember the arcade game, you'd go to

the movies and they had the arcade game Area 51? Yeah, absolutely. Oh, yeah. That's what it looks like. It just looks like the, yeah. Less colorful. Yeah, you don't got any pink and orange ones going on. It's not quite as good as the Area 51 video game.

The one thing, they're trying. They're trying. Why are we leaving these aliens in their enormous mecksuits? Take them out. That's a great question. That's A number one. Get them out of the mix suit. We're going to put you in a jail cell.

Keep your gun. You don't put Iron Man in a cell with bars on. you take him out of the suit, you put Tony Stark in the cell. That's true. In a cave where he builds it from scraps. I don't know, though, if these aliens can survive out of the suits on this planet, though. That's something. Let them die.

Well, yeah, actually, first of all, can we please just make sure they're all fucking dead? Are you kidding me? Like, listen, you got so, I'm sure they dissected millions by now. Totally. What's the point of having these guys around? That African warlord had the right idea. Dude, get them from behind. He says it six times in this movie.

bullet to the back of the head per alien, you don't spend a lot on ammunition. Also, clearly somebody's paying for this, probably us taxpayers. And like we're going to make the aliens pay for it, Chris. Right now, the taxpayers will pay it. The aliens are going to pay us

back. That's the story now. The aliens are going to pay us back. It is kind of like Guantanamo. You're never going to let them out. Right. So, what are we doing here? Don't finish that sentence. That ends in something I'm not comfortable with. what killing people on guantanamo bay oh well yeah i was talking about in a lockup he was talking about

killing people in guantanamo bay oh okay uh oh guantanamo bay made me think of uh haroldan coumar too escape from guantanamo bay i was gonna say um bad boys to escape into guantanamo bay that's right i'm just thinking of like movies that will smith's in because i don't know why not you need will Smith in this movie. You need a strong... That's what that first movie was. It was a strong magnetic performance by Will Smith with an army of character action. And this poor bastard that has to play

the stepson. Yes. This poor guy, they're like, hey, by the way, just try to do what Will Smith did. Because this guy is trying his best to get those Will Smith woo's in there. I don't think so. So we go to Area 51, and the plan is, they're like, okay, well, we

got to attack the ship. Let's just do what we did last time. And the plan is, I think... Hey, cool, I'm going to fly. Oh, my God. Larry, yes. I got my pilot's license. Oh, man, Mayer's going to take down the aliens. Larry, the cable guy, alien pilot.

Wait, no. Alien. I fight the aliens. I'm not an alien. I swear to God, there's not a little weird fat guy inside of this Dan Whitney suit. Oh, my God. That would be awesome. if you just cut Dan Whitney open and Vern Troyer came out dancing

how cool would that be it's him and Alex Jones and there's probably a lot of people that have little aliens Eddie Murphy in that Meet Dave movie Oh right yeah Probably a state too So the plan is we're going to do this

And like they say like All right whichever ship gets to the mother ship First deliver the payload Which I think the plan is called Willie nilly? Is it a race? There's no formation. There's not like, all right, this Delta Squad, you take it from the side, you flank this way. I'm going to get there

first because I painted a three on my fodder jet, and that is there to honor Dale Earnhardt and Dale Earnhardt, Jr. Did Dale die before after the alien apocalypse? I forget. I think the War of 96.

Dale died. Dead after. In this world, Dale Earnhardt because NASCAR has to stop after. What? Why would NASCAR stop just because of an alien invasion? Because most of the fucking tracks have probably been raised at this point. NASCAR's got the money to build them back, baby. All right. All right.

I went to, I've never seen a NASCAR race, but I went to like a NASCAR track one time down in Charlotte. Dude, those facilities are impressive. It's insane the money that's going on in these things. It would definitely survive an alien apocalypse without question. So then the crash would happen no matter what is what you're saying? Earnhardt dies in any timeline. It's just destined to die. I mean, it's unfortunate, but that's life.

That is what's, that's, yeah, you're right. It's Holmes Osborne, just in a bed with Mary McDonald's like, you know, there's that Dale Earnhardt Jr. What they always said about him was, uh, he was doomed. Now, wait, wait, now, Dale, now, I don't know NASCAR, Dale Earnhardt died, isn't, doesn't he have an actual son that? Delano, he's junior. Wait, did he die too?

No, he's alive. I think he was a liar. Okay. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know if he still races anymore, but he's alive and well. Okay, good. But, yeah, so. It was like the Kennedhe's.

Dale Earnhardt is. Dillardt in this timeline is buried next to Will Smith. On the moon. On the moon. Yes. But they're like, yeah, race, whoever gets their first blow up the ship. Hey, go up there and that ship blow her up. Hey, cool.

I blow it up ships. So they all go. They all kind of get. captured right at this point like they go in the alien queen by the way we're aping james cameron there's a queen mother good god why would they do they look enough like the zeno morphs to begin with they do that was always a real problem with that first movie but nobody was saying it well because they do a cool thing where there's a little tiny little alien a poly pocket inside of his head so that's that's kind of neat hey do you remember what was the what was the what was the

like the quote version for boys and it's mighty pockets yes oh yeah i had so many mighty Max, man. I did not. What a waste of my parents' money. Little toys always creep me out. Like, little, really tiny ones, not Legos, not Legos, smaller than Legos, gross me out. Micro Machines give you... Gros me, and they kind of gross me. They gave me the hebi-G-Vs. Why? Because you thought maybe, like,

Martin Short was in one. Oh, wait, no, Dennis Quaid was in one. You were Martin Short? Yes. And it went into your butt and, like, found things. Speaking of butts, man, you get some spiner rear end in this movie. Oh, you get a lot of... I mean, look, we get a ton of

Spiner who was dead. Right. Is just, there's so much spider in this way, and I'm okay with it. I love Brent Spiner. I don't care. It's probably the best part. It's a bit too much with that character

because the character's so over the top. So like realistically you either need to ground it or like give him less to do. There's like a hilarious part where you kind of realize it's over the top where like the some assistant or something is giving him this like laser weapon and he's trying to cut this egg open.

And he just, like, looks at the guy and he's like, hey, back off. And you're just like, this guy wasn't that kind of crazy in the first movie. He does have my favorite trope in all of movies, which is, he gets possessed by these aliens and, like, he's like writing all this stuff. Sure. He's beautiful minding that hotel room. Which is only a genius could write on all of the walls. Not some of the walls. Oh, my God.

I went into his room and all of the walls were written. There's stuff on everyone on the walls. It was mostly curse words. But it's Chris, it's all of the walls. But if he's beautiful mining, maybe his boyfriend is fictional, like in his head. Oh, wow. Like Paul Bettany in that movie. Oh, yeah.

And they're like, like, Brent Spiner, like, what are you doing on the floor? There's no one dead there. Why are you crying about the death of the floor? Oh, my God. He's just walking to his room. He's like, he's humping the air again. This guy that plays Spiner's, you know, like boyfriend. or love interest or whatever.

It's definitely, maybe not definitely. Do you think, let me put it this way, what are the odds they called Mandy Patankan? Zero percent. Yes, I was going to say that too. But it would make the movie so much better if he was in this. He would never. You have to know.

I read on the Tribune, ladies and gentlemen. That guy is an independence day. No. Is he like Spiner's assistant? Yeah, like he's like, I don't know P.S. Lines are not in the first movie, but he's always kind of crowded around Spiner. So maybe this was going on all through time. Well, they certainly didn't fall in love when he was in the 20-year coma.

Well, they had to really play that shit down because Adam Baldwin was on set. Oh, that's right. Yeah, what happened at the Internet's toilet, Adam Baldwin, from that first movie? He's next to Dale Earnhardt, man. On the movie, right. No, in this timeline, Dale Earnhardt's car decapitated him. before turning into a fireball.

Oh, who could forget Jane Mansfield and Adam Baldwin. What if that's the thing that they don't tell you but you had to go to the movie's website? That's why Robert Loja's character had to retire

because he went crazy and murdered Adam Baldwin's character. I told him out of there. I'm going to sell these stolen TVs. Oh, Feet. You know, Mandy Patanket should be in this movie and he should play like a lib

retired professor that's just like we just need to give him a chance let them you know and he's proven wrong oh yeah all his stupid ways prison planet not liberal tears and i never thought i'd have to hear so much about drinking tears and people wanting we could all just stop it just drink my tears i believe you know what i also didn't think we'd have to hear so much about drinking piss yeah can you believe that wow fucking gargles piss Water sports. Speaking of water sports, Liam's Helmsworth

does a Trump on the spaceship there, right? Wait, he drinks pisses on his girl? Well, no, he just pisses on the spaceship. The spaceship is Donald. Oh, yes. Because he's the pissy. Yeah, he's the pisser.

He's a Russian prostitute. Well, I read that as they were just pissing on a bed because Donald was upset that black people had the audacity to sleep on that bed. Oh, I see. He was definitely in that bed.

Oh, absolutely. Oh, yeah. Yeah, get it right in my mouth. Don't be ridiculous. He likes to rub it all over himself. Not the drinking. It's like that scene in the graduate, but it's pee and it's me in there. And I'm like, wow, what will life after college be like in this underwater aquatic piss universe?

I'm sitting in this piss and I'm like, am I in over my head? Did I really, did I really want this? Actually, it's like all the shower scenes from American Psycho. Hello darkness, my yellow friend Come to drink of you again Well, I love, no matter what happens of that thing It's gonna be his Richard Gear thing Like no matter what, like it's always gonna be there

Whether or not, whether it's true or not Nobody cares So it's kind of a win-win for me When he dies, whenever that is Everyone's like, yeah, we probably drink piss People like, no shut up, that was proven to be wrong He probably died from drinking too much piss. Shut up.

Nobody was proven to be wrong. I don't know. It's out there now. Yeah. Forever. Speaking of drinking piss, it's kind of like watching this movie. They go on there. Tart and annoying.

Liam, Liam Hemsworth, Damien Hillard or Dylan Hillard, Charlie and his love interest are all going around. Right. On this spaceship, they go, oh my God, this spaceship has its own ecosystem, which you could chalk up with.

this spaceship has its own gravity with the two lines that nobody needed or could care about. Why would the spaceship have air? Why would it be like oxygen? But there's also like plants and shit all over the planet.

Yeah and like water and whatnot. It's Vietnam down there. It is like Vietnam down there. That would be a better movie if they like got into the alien spaceship and it was just suddenly like a jungle or something you know like completely and they're like. It would be great if there was just some

a little bit more action like. It's like, it turns out it's the silent running ship and Bruce Dern it came back. Hey, stop pissing on my plants, man. What are you doing? That's what, Liam Mepard's like, oh, my parents were killed. I hate these aliens. I'll be the diversion. And he just starts pissing.

Yeah. Like, great. Okay. Also, you know what? Show it. You want to do it, show it. Actually, though, doesn't show me that ding-doll. You know what?

I need cock in movies more. Thank you so much. Have the balls. Yeah. So show it because it's like, well, first of all, we need, this doesn't even have female in nudity. It sucks that that's like, that's like the, you know, that's just like the stepping stone. Uh-huh, yeah. You're not, you're very, I agree with you.

At least the first one I had like a strip club scene. That's true. That's true. That's true. I just, I want skin. I don't care who it is. I guess so. Just give it to me.

What about if it was like naked age? Aliensworth accidentally opened a door and two aliens were like fucking... I would love it. Do they fuck in the suits or outside the suit? Oh, outside the suits? That's just their astronaut wear, you know? So they get out of the suit and they start like rubbing their tiny little bodies and their mouthless... They all look like Simon Pegg's little friend in the Star Trek movies there?

There's no mouth. That's a big thing. So what's going on? Who's sucking? Nobody's sucking nothing. They have mouths, don't they? No, that's the weird. The queen has a mouth. We learn later.

I bet they're like, they're more developed because they're telepath. They got little nostrils just like holes in their face, right? So maybe they just like sensually sniff each other. And it's like that's how they get to edging. I thought it was going to be like, like they probably skip the edging. I thought these aliens come. These aliens go straight to coming. Hold on a second.

Do you think that like does one of them lay eggs and one of them like fertilizes it? Is that the type of thing? And just sprays it on. Yeah, this fucking shoots it. I thought it was going to be... I thought it was going to be more like slugs and they just wrap around each other. That would be cool.

And they're just sort of like... Shooting jelly. Yeah, they're like digesting together or something like they sort of almost become one. God, please don't ever say shooting jelly ever again. They shoot jelly at each other. No, drip jelly. No, shoot.

Yeah, it's a slow drip. My question that remains unanswered. In the first movie... Why did anyone make this movie? Well, no. That's never going to be answered. Doesn't Randy Quaid get caught pissing on something? Is there public urination in that first movie?

Yeah, well, he's just a lout. Yeah. He's kind of drunk. Oh, I guess, yeah, that's true. You can draw a line from that scene to that scene. That's nice. Russell, what are you pissing on, you idiot? The toilet's on the other side of the spaceship.

It's okay. It's Donald Trump. That's my favorite part of that scene is that he's pissing, and the rest of the people are just enter. entertained. Like, we're in the middle of a fucking spaceship, and we're about to get killed by the Queen Mother. I would be pissed off of my...

Bruce Stern. If I was Liam Mainsworth, I'd be like, hey, I fucking am pissing on this spaceship to distract these aliens so you guys can get to the ship and get out of here. Stop going to laughing at it. How am I supposed to have tension in this movie after you've just taken a break to watch Liam Hemsworth not piss? I have a question about Charlie,

who's, uh, Liam Hemsworth, uh, his plucky sidekick, his co-orphin? Yeah. Uh, how do plucky sidekicks ever get into all these military positions? Yeah, this kid isn't fit to the military. He's so squirly and scared. It's like, well, why would, you would, you would, like, be a janitor. You wouldn't be like his number two. Well, this Harry Connick Jr's, like, physically fit.

And, like, good at his job. I just assume it's like a Bucky and Steve thing that worked. Yeah. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Like, they were fucking? Yes, exactly. As well.

Unlike Bucky and Steve. Well, yeah. It depends on what you're reading. Oh, yeah, I'm sure that slash is just wonderful. Is slash fiction canon? No, it's not. No, I mean, I meant slash fiction. There's like more slash fiction.

The Bible is very small compared to the volumes of... There's slash fiction in the Bible? Yes, Moses. Who's Moses getting busy with? Everybody, man. His brother, no. Aaron. His brother Aaron.

Got to make a list to stop them from doing shit. Like, like, Steve, you know, Captain America is pushed in there. Yeah, a weakling. That Lott guy, right? He was fucking like daughters and shit, right? He fucked the salt afterwards, too, man. Trent Lott? Is that who you're talking about?

No, no, there's a character. There's a funny character in the Bible named Lott, right? And he's like fucking his kids and shit. What? Dude, man, it's full of slash fiction, it turns out. Dude, man, the Bible is NSFW. Does Lott get turned into salts? Maybe not.

I think maybe his wife does, right? Like, he's okay. It's kind of working for him, too. It's okay if a guy doesn't. So then, like, the aliens come after them, and they, of course, escape in alien's ships. Yes. And now, like, we talk to the little globe. We find out she's part of a prison planet.

It's true. She's also a Syrian refugee planet. Like, this explanation that this sphere gives is ridiculous. And this is a fucking sphere, man. It's jaw dropping. She's like, hi, I'm a sphere. We move beyond bodies. By the way, these aliens, which we don't get names on them, go from planet to planet.

They do this. And I'm from a planet of refugees of worlds that they've destroyed. And we're making a resistance army and all this nonsense. And we want to recruit you because you guys are so good at beating them. Am I correct there? Yeah. And she's giving like a diagram of this thing. So we see like there's another planet somewhere with all sorts of different fucking gleep gloops.

I think the werewolf. bar guy is there. Finally! Oh, my God. Get him involved. I mean, this is kind of like if the fucking Star Killer Base from Force Awakens was like successful. And then they were able to farm it out and sell it to other alien

people. That sounds about right. Is that the end game? I think so, yeah. Franchise. Yeah, mass produced. Yeah, mass-produced StarColubles. Like, General Hux is going like planet to planet, being like, can I interest you? He wants to sell that shit on TV like OxyClean, man.

Absolutely. Planet. Clean. Planet Killer as seen on hologram. And then what you recall? Because Grand Marf Tarkin would be like that guy Billy who died. Billy Mays here high as a kite.

But I love that the dude guys like, Billy moved on, but we're still hawking oxy clean. Oh, man. Moth Tarkin is dead, but this plan will still work and destroy planets like that. I'm surprised actually that that dude did not usurp the Shamwow from the Shamwell guy.

though is that sham wild guy was a scumbag who like um no i know who sham wow oh yeah right but he got morris sham wow expand on his legal troubles though well he was like being the fucking scumbag and like beat the shit out of his girlfriend or something oh really nonsense like that yeah yeah

he's got a rap sheet man can i yep and this might be only for east coast listeners i'm not sure is the general nationwide i don't know the general auto insurance oh no no needles in it so i imagine it has to be more than just the east Wait, Shaq is in a general... Are you fucking out of your mind?

You haven't seen this? No. Did you just hear my reaction? I clearly haven't. I've never seen you more angry. I've known about this for years. Wait, this has been happening for years. Yes.

Yes. So much so I even tweeted the picture of them and said squad goals. That's how old it is. I'm sorry I missed that tweet. You've got to catch up. Shaquille O'Neal and the cartoon general are driving all sorts of places. a car together. What?

There's a new commercial. This is what I want to bring this up. Yeah. It's a woman, a sexy lady on a bed on Tinder. And she's like swiping like laughter, whichever one's the wrong way, the bad way. Yeah. She's swiping like, no, loser, fat. No, wait a second.

Oh, hold on. Fat John Oliver, no. Gimley Oliver definitely no. But then she's like, hold on. And it's the general. And she swipes like the right way. Oh, that's... She definitely wants to fuck the general.

Yeah, he wants to fuck the general. General's short, but he's kind of hot. Yeah. You know? He's sturdy. Does it look like Mr. Magoo meets Patton? Yeah.

Isn't that the general? He's a giant mustache. Yeah. He's like, he's the monopoly guy's alt-right brother. I was going to say, he looks a guy like Frank Goldman. Yeah, he does. I don't know.

So whatever, we're all back. So the idea is like, oh, the queen, who we now understand exists, is going to come after this. egg that's what she wants the whole time i guess she's chasing the egg because if she gets the fertilize it right no i know she can kill all the refugees if she gets the sphere inside the sphere is the location of the refugee planet yes and if they go and do that then the aliens will have universal domination because they're whatever they make some dupes so they're like if we draw her out

we can get to the wrong place she'll go and we can like hit her from behind or something what they're going to do is that political subtext i smell oh Oh, oh, uh, uh, uh, uh, right. Uh, oh, oh, right. Uh, oh, uh, uh, run. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, no. Uh, uh, it's, like, we're like, we're going to drive this payload. We're going to fly the fucking payload in.

Yes. And this whole thing. And then we're going to blow her up. Jeff Goldblum, like, after they decide this is what the plan is, I swear to you. He says, well, it worked the first time. Oh, my God. Like, you're just doing the same thing from the first movie. and you have a character admit you're doing that?

Well, you bought a ticket the first time. And then Bill Pullman gives his Independence Day speech to a bunch of janitors in like a locker room. Dude, what a different audience. There's like four people in this room and half of them are like, hey, is that guy saying something? It's amazing because it's like him and Jeff Goldblum and he's like, the reason we survived last time

is because we're resilient. And if we're resilient and like people are like eating lunch. Some guy's mopping. She's like, yeah, you tell him, Fred. Hey, can you shut up? I'm on the phone. My beans are cold. It's a fucking step down from that first speech.

And they open the fucking movie with the speech, too. Sure do. And then we have another speech later. So Bill Palmer decides to be the Randy Quaid because they get me the fuck out of this movie, dude. Yeah, he's like, I'm pissed off that I had to be in this much of it. Please let me die. And Micah, Micah, whatever her name is. Micah Monroe is, yeah, not in it follows anymore, is like, oh, don't do that.

By the way, I'm a pilot too. And it's like, who could, how many pilots could there be? We're all the pilots. Like, just, you know what, you had, you got those fancy UFO choppers and whatnot. Yeah. Just make flying cars. And then I could buy people piloting more. Everyone can't be a pilot

Oh, I should pilot more I really wish I could pilot more Oh, I'm going to take out the tug this morning, okay? You know, it's just this last year I was on Twitter way too much. This year I am going to pilot more. That's it putting January 2017, I'm piloting more. Young lady, what time is it?

Yeah, I do believe it is 1145. When were you supposed to have the tug home? That's right, 10.30. So the last act of this stupid movie. We're not, I guarantee we're not, can we all agree? We're not going to talk about Jeff Goldbl- About Judd Hirsch and the bus full of kids. Can we just not

talk about it? Oh, the garbage. Come on. Now is a perfect time to discuss. The cabbage patch kids. Yeah, the cabbage patch kids are just a Randy Quaid's family. Yes. That's all. Right. Do we not? Why do I feel like the Alex Jones of this fucking episode? Do we not see the

parallels? Here, I agree. I agree. It's written on the wall. I do agree. With shit. It's written and shit. Well, here's break it out. I have a note in here that says cut to pirates. Oh, no, the pirates! Oh, the pirates! Oh, the treasure hunting pirates. That pirate has a line

where he says there's two billion dollars of gold. A hundred million dollars. Oh, is that right? It's not that much. Oh, I'm sorry. And he's like, oh, we're going to get all that gold. I don't care if there's an alien driving his ship right up. Me, bum, we're going to get the gold. Oh, no. He's going to. shifted to gold.

And they're like, oh, oh, no, all of these, the whole plan is dead. We're just going to be drinking. And the president calls. We need you to watch what these aliens are doing. He's like, I won't do it unless you give me $100 million. I was just lying

about being a double. And it's so ridiculous because at the end of the movie, when the, so the other thing is like this mother's ship is drilling into the Earth's corner. Why are we drilling into anything? Oh man, four million degrees or whatever that line. But so when that whole thing is over with

and they realize like the planet will live or something, this fucking pirate gets on a shortwave radio and goes, come in, Area 51. Are you kidding me? Come on. The funny thing is they keep cutting back to the, during the big, dumb climax, they keep coming back to the pirate ship. Yeah.

It's getting really close to the Earth's core. Oh man, we're so close to Corbreach. And he keeps saying that, even at the end of the movie, like, it's right there. and then it stops. Like, the world is over anyway, right?

We are edging so close to courteens. Well, that is... I'm getting there. All this call's gonna breach. Here it come! No, my favorite fucking image in the whole thing is him like, oh, we got like seven hours.

We're totally okay. Oh, right? And then it goes straight down to one hour. And he's like, yeah, we've got to finish this fucking movie right now. We've got to get out of here right now. No, we as pirates and not necessarily scientists fucked up

the speed rate oh hello area 51 yeah we fucked up this movie's gonna end everybody are gonna die now can't believe I don't get that gold that sweet gold is that gold in the earth's call mr. president could you talk

to me about the gold tell me again about the gold well first of all it's going to be a golden shower that's good I'm like a boo the monkey. I love gold things. I will grab in the cave of wonders.

Whatever. I can't believe the pirates. Thank you, Kevin. We almost got through this whole episode without the pirates. Bill Palman goes into the queen, sets off the payload, and you're like, oh, the movie's over. By saying, happy 4th of July.

Oh, fucking kill me. On the behalf of the planet Earth, by the way. Fuck you too, pal. Well, this shows you that suicide. Bombing can work. Yes. It's a good message. Thank you, Emmer.

It blows up. And you're like, oh, cool. The movie's over. And at some point, Judd Hirsch has a bus full of fucking white trash kids and driving around.

The cast of American Honey is right. Oh, my God. That's what I want to see Judd Hirsch's character from Independence Day running around with all those little miscreants.

Oh, Lord, that would be great. Listen to a lot of rap. Why, you all hanging out in a parking lot? get inside. You have to get inside. What are you doing in the parking lot? Get out of here. Why should I? The bus driver left to go fuck his girlfriend. Is that what happens? Yes. One of the little kids is like, he left to go fuck his girlfriend. Yeah. Man, those little rascals. And they meet up with Jeff Goldblum who has nothing to do in the last hour and a half of this movie.

He's standing behind a piece of metal for most of it. He's going to push a button. Don't worry. He's going to push a button. And, you know, I don't know. Well, his whole, like, John Hirsch's whole thing, about like, I always say when the planet's about to die, the safest place is next to my David. Shut up. First of all, shut up. Why should I sell this magazine? Why should I do that?

He is peddling a fucking book about how he saved the world by the way. That is the most useless scene. It's him talking to the geriatrics club. Yes. They should have done a straight-up Ghostbusters 2 homage. And it's Judd Hirsch and Ernie Hudson

talking about how they saved the Earth that last. Or you go... At a kid's birthday party. Yes, he goes to a little kid's birthday party. But you don't like heroes? And get a fucking grown-ass Jason Reitman to be like, my dad says you guys are frauds. Oh, actually, is it one of the little kids?

Doesn't he say something about how he's like, my dad says that your son never went to the, never went to space and it's all fake or whatever? It's like, who could care? I mean, also, though, it would not be shocked. if some fucking dip shit would be like, that whole thing in 96, it was fake. It was all fake. That was a false flag operation, perpetrated by Bill Clinton,

and Bill Clinton's illegitimate son. Just like Sandy Hook. Black Lives Matter pretended that aliens destroyed the world to perpetrate white genocide. That's true. That's true. They also have Black Lives Matter of kidnapped multiple people. They're kidnapping people,

and they're faking the moon. Here's the thing All those aliens You know where they are They're in the basement of that pizza place They're in the basement of that pizza place right now It's fake news Prison planet dot pizza

Patest to put them there The alien invasion of 1996 Is fake news Whole thing Right in Podesta's emails It's all right there Julian Assange Has told me with confidence

That that was fake news I could corroborate that And we are not fake news We're telling the truth Prisonplanet.tv.tv.w at WFWWVFW Else Club So then we get to the end of the last stage of Metroid Which is a lot of fun

When this big stupid queen comes out And you got to shoot her tail a bunch or whatever Dude and it's so stupid She's like really big And like we're way off the rails here at this point. This is ridiculous. Why would she be like 50 feet tall? Now we have the tack of the 50 foot woman.

That was in Vegas. That was the desert. Yeah. All these broads go to Vegas. That's stupid. That's actually probably like the rejected title of like a shitty Dean Martin movie. All these broads go to Vegas. But there's also like, honey, I shrunk the kids gag because he's got to swerve around her feet.

in the school bus. Yeah, he's driving around. But doesn't that happen like in Attack of the 50-foot woman? Does it? I haven't seen it. Probably, yeah. I haven't seen that movie.

Isn't this movie based on that? It's based on the cap. It was based on the same novel-length poem. Oh, okay, good. And Liam Helmsworth comes back from space with everybody else. At this point, Micah Monroe gets in a pilot suit

and she's going to take down the queen somehow with something and the queen like destroys her she destroys the queen's shield by shooting it a bunch and then like the shield that's like on her suit or something right because after she beat the last alien she got the special bullets

oh right now the special bullets can take down the force of it so whatever silver bullets then all the alien ships instead of laying waste to everyone trying to hurt them decide to spin around the queen.

Like, all these things have laser guns that could destroy everybody else. Get fighting. But they just kind of swarm around her to form a field

even though it doesn't make any sense. Well, there's one point where it's Liam Hemsworth or somebody's like, we've got to get out of this tornado. This tornado of alien spacecraft.

The tornado of alien spacecraft. They're just movieing throughout this thing. Yes. That's like what this, like they don't know what they're acting against. They don't know what it is.

Nobody knows what's going on. We're just moving, guys. Just be thankful they took out the, oh, is that a cow? Oh, man, if a cow was stuck in this alien ship tornado. So they break free of the tornado. They're like, oh, we have to do control dive. We're going to shoot the queen. And again, these aliens aren't like, oh, they're shooting our queen.

They still keep spinning around. Yeah, it's so stupid. It just doesn't make any sense. Well, they were lemming people. They destroy the queen and everyone, like, retreats. And she vomits everywhere And then they do the fucking Windshield gag

Oh, that's right They get gagged And they like just turn it on She shoots jelly all over the windshield Yeah Vomits her jelly There's so many other storylines We're not talking about

Because there's so many stuff Yeah, just oh my God It doesn't matter It's at some point when the aliens Like bomb the shit out of Area 51 That's when Cila Ward And half the U.S. Oh, that's what it is

When William Fichter becomes key for Sutherland this lone survivor. Yes, he is. Because they're like, designated survivor. Hey, by the way. Oh, designated survivor. Yeah.

They're like, hey, by the way. Uh, somehow you're the president. And like William Victor's like, I was like 300th on that list. And like, yeah, we know. Ciel Ward does a weird, I think, doesn't she say like, die, die or something? Yeah. She mirrors one of the lines from the movie. Yeah.

As the aliens are coming in, like they think that she's going to surrender but she takes a gun she's like no die and then she gets killed oh that's what it is yeah they don't get bombed it's like the aliens break out of the cage as an area area 51 and like break into her little control room or something something happens

yeah and they kill yeah yeah I mean like so like you know Brent Spiner's boyfriend dies that's sad they're like defending the little sphere Floyd and DeKembe become friends and no I mean like this is two characters nobody needed

fat John Oliver. That's fat John Oliver. Everyone knows what's going on. Well, because he's like supposed to be like the nerdy paper pusher. Sure. Because this movie needed a nerdy paper. Oh, totally. Well, you've got to have a nerd.

There's a movie. You need like some nerd mucking up the works. Wait, I read the script. It's fine. It's a little familiar. But where's the nerd? I'm sorry. Am I fucking crazy?

Where's your fat nerd? I mean, Paul, Bloom is the nerd. You've got a lot of it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. He's a sexy nerd. I'm talking about the fat nerd. Am I supposed to let my ass with this? Because that's what's good used to.

It's a good script. I appreciate the part where he writes on all the walls. That's fine. That's a movie, right? But there should be a nerd. The ghost of Harvey Fowsteen. Oh my God, that would be great. Yeah.

How is he not on some sort of wall? How is he not just alive, right? Well, yeah, actually, that... I finally reached my mother before it all blew up, so now I made it out. I was in a cover the whole time. Turns out she could teleport me out of here. I used my mother as a human shield, David. Right after I said, oh, crap, I fell into a manhole.

I survived. But thank God my therapist didn't. But you know what? At least the fucking first movie had Harvey Godham Firecadie. Somebody that's funny, like can hold the scene. Has presents on screen. I would love five. Harvey Firesteen. I would like to love a

Harvey Firesteen multiplicity cast for the rest of the film. Some of them just keep getting dumber and dumber. Have them play every role. Oh, man. And all Harvey Firesteen Independence Day resurgence? David, tell him.

I would love that. I would love it. I'd love it. Every fucking stupid second I'd waste watching that. Twice. The 4th of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, all right? Just stop already with that. Oh, it would be great.

I don't know. The queen is dead and she has a tongue. That was actually, I think that was part of that Smith song and then she actually cut out the lyrics. And did we get our favorite lines? So the movie's over and they're like, oh, you know, Brent Spiner's not so sad about his boyfriend. He was for a while, but he's not easy to find out.

Like Monroe and Liam are going to buy a house. Oh, wait. That is the fucking big horseshit thing where, like, he's getting ready to go in the plane, to go fight aliens and whatnot. In this video chat room, right? Yes. It's like a Skype call he's doing in the middle. No, no, no, no. At the end of the movie where they're in the hangar together.

Well, no, the first one is in the skyline. They're Skyping about buying a house at the beginning of the movie, you're right. And then at the end, like before Pullman fucking scoops him. And goes on the suicide mission, it is Liam Hemsworth that's going to do it. And, like, they both know that, you know, he's not coming back. And he's like, by the way, I looked at those houses. I like the one at the end of the lane. It's a great one to live in America with.

But at the start of the movie, it seems like she's not into it. No, she's not. We never get whatever that character trait is. Yeah, I mean, whether she's a cold feet or she's like cheating on him. I mean, whatever. I mean, it's their relationship, the whole point is to have two pretty people in the frame at the same time. Oh, you bought a house, but it was haunted

by Harvey Fierstein. But she actually ends up buying it with fat nerd. Oh, yeah. There you go. It's a fat nerd happy ending. You'll need to have a nerd in the end of the movie. I mean, but so like it's all over and like, it's all over. Brent Spiner's talking to the sphere and she's like,

oh, you guys are so brave. You guys should come and you guys should come and to my plan and I'll teach you guys how to beat these aliens. once and for all and like somebody even says like well we couldn't survive another attack like that so we might as well we got to take the fight to them yeah and then brent spiner who's Andrew you love this line you should say it let's kick some alien ass credits oh boy oh boy this fucking sequel setup is ridiculous dude I'm saying that Steve and I were talking about it on Twitter I made it public then I firmly stand by this statement 100% no going back

the Andrew Juban Guarantee Super Mario Bros. has been dethroned as the worst most fucking audacious sequel set up in film history. You don't think we're going to see Independence Day desperation? No, man.

I don't think so. Smelling in a theater near you. Yeah, direct to sci-fi. Yeah. That's a good question. I feel like no, right? We didn't make that much money. That was the problem.

It made some, but not as much as they wanted it. No. You know, I think, here's the factor. We got to see one. I don't, because I don't have this figure, I don't know how it did overseas, but two, them Blu-ray sales, but her emails, but her Blu-ray sales. If this movie does well on Blu-ray, they might, I mean, because look at the fucking shitty CGI. It's not like they care about the movie looking good.

My guess is that they're going to, sci-fi is going to get as a series. Oh, the end-upac series. Then you're doing a reboot. And then you're doing a reboot, and then you can do the whole fucking first movie again, essentially, and you have Roland Embrick fucking direct the first one, and nobody watches. there you go nobody watches but it's on the sci-fi channel so nobody's watching and yet somehow there's five fucking seasons

but there's fat nerds so many fat nerds the fat nerds need something to look at too you know oh boy fuck this movie how about that fuck it fuck this movie no it's useless and I like the first one I remember are we recommending this movie I'm not

I remember actually getting out of the first movie and I'm always kind of ashamed of this in the car ride home after seeing Independence Day, we were talking about whether or not Independence Day was better than Star Wars. Oh, no. And I fucking turned coat, man. I was so, my recency bias.

I had clouded my eyes. And I was like, Independence Day a little better than Star Wars. Which I regret. I'm surprised you didn't like immediately turn to sand. I just set ablaze. That is something you take to the grave. Well, now everybody knows it.

Wow. Can I say, I do have Independence Day story. Oh, yeah, totally. So I went to see this at Cross Gates, which is a local movie theater near where we grew up. Our big upstate theater. No, you're talking with the first movie. The first movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I went to see it on opening day. Oh, you have to. July 4th, man. And right? So, Pac Theater. Lear July 3rd. Front row corner, a guy lights up a cigar. No way.

And he starts puffing. He like full Cape Fear just starts puffing that. And is, like, so happy to be watching Independence Day. Was it Robert Losia? Was it during the scene where they're lighting up cigars in the alien space? No, it's the beginning of the movie. Like, he was, like, waiting for it to start. And he was so excited about the alien that he fucking lit up a cigar.

Oh, you sure it's not a blunt. It's not a blunt. Oh, geez. So then to secure, like, a dweeby kid comes in to be like, sir, you can't do that. Yeah, totally. Fat nerd came in. And then, like, he's like, go away. away.

The kid goes away comes back with two security and he's like okay I'll put it out and then they're like no you gotta leave

and he's like I'm not fucking leaving and these two guys have to pick him up and take him out of the theater did they stop the projector

no so this is this is all happening it's being ruined for you this is all happening while fucking you know

Harry Connick Jr. and Will Smith are talking about their cocks or whatever and like my favorite I don't remember the, I mean, I didn't see the whole scene.

Here's the beginning of that movie. Will Smith tells Harry Connick Jr. that he's bought officially the ugliest piece of jewelry in human history. He pulls out this engagement ring and it's like two dolphins fucking around a fake blue stone. He's like, you're going to marry a stripper. Come on, come on, come on, man. You can't marry a stripper unless you can play piano like me. You ain't going to get a promotion if you marry a stripper. Oh, that's right. They don't let you fly in space if you marry strippers, dude. Yeah, space is a flat circle.

Sorry. All right. Eric? No, I hate this movie. Sure. I don't like it. And it was hard to sit through, to be honest. It really was.

Just imagine sitting through it twice. I'm glad I didn't. And I would not recommend it. I liked the first one enough when it came out. I rewatched it maybe like two years ago. And I totally think it holds up. It's a cool nighties minute. It's a cool yet.

cheesy but it's fine 90s movie? I'm not recommending this No, of course not. I actually I said in the last episode I wasn't going to tell this story on the air for the episode but I realized like probably have some new listeners courtesy of you know headgum and whatnot so I'll tell the story I was at a screening

for this movie like a professional exhibitor screening and there was some like honchos from Fox like you know that come in right this is like dudes with you know suits that they wouldn't allow me to be buried in these rich fuckers, right? They'll earn hard suits they call those.

Yeah, moon caskets. And the guys sit like, by the way, they sit right directly behind me. We're in a massive Times Square theater that's got like 10 people in it, so thanks a lot, fellas. And the movie, the lights go down, the movie comes up and it's like the Fox

logo and whatnot. And the one suit leans over to the other suit and just goes, yeah, this is a real shit show. Wow. It had to be. I was like, wow, the company has no confidence behind this movie. How could they? There's nothing here. There's Nothing here. Even somebody who has watched nothing knows this is bad.

But it's just amazing. We had to hear for years about this fucking movie and like we're fighting over the script and this, that, and the other thing. And it's like, this was the compromise? This is what you pulled off? There's an easy way to make this movie. There's such an easier way to make this movie. Yep. Just make that movie.

Cut out half the characters. So you've got the fucking money that Will Smith demanded. Focus on someone. Yes. The ground battle. Make it someone's story. You did the air battle. Ground battles time.

It's got to be, you're telling me we had to. fight these fuckers for years on earth and I don't see a frame of that? By the way the ground battle, you could get into some murky territory. Did anyone, anyone see Battle Los Angeles? No, but a lot of the effects from this movie look like they're from about Los Angeles. And by the way,

blackless script. Oh, really? And awful movie. Isn't Aaron Eckhart in that movie? He is. He is the lead. Ooh. And that is fucking trash. What's better though? Battle Los Angeles or Independence Day resurgence? Ball Los Angeles. Yes, I agree. Without a doubt. And I'll say this

too because it's probably not worth our time to do an episode on it but when it comes out since we did an episode on the first one we should totally check out moon trap two maybe a little on screen i'll do it yeah see what's going on the first one so yeah i might come over here for a tall glass of water but it's one might just enjoy ourselves totally guaranteed there's probably some soft core sex scenes oh there has to be already a better movie or getting ready for like a shower type thing i would get ready for a shower that's indebted Independence Day Resurgence directed by Roland Demerick.

What does that even mean? I don't know. You get ready for a shower. I'll come over. You'll put the movie on and I'll get ready for a shower. Are you going to take a shower, though? Are you going to take a shower? I would take the most luxurious golden shower.

Oh, Lord, if you want more We Hate Movies, check out WHM Podcast.com. Like us on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter. Or write into the mailbag to get at us. We all hate movies at gmail.com. rate and review the show wherever you get it. We would greatly appreciate it. What's going on next week? What do we

do with the worst of 2016 is over with? There's a lot of buzz about what's happening next week. You know what I mean? Like there's just a lot of buzz going around the internet. But what we're going to do? The internet's kind of like a hive mind. Yeah, it's just, it's getting crazy. It's like this, it's like this neurotic hive mind. Yeah. And it's like, who are these people? Who are this podcast? Yeah, that's B-movie. We're doing B-movie next week. Holy chick, you believe it? It's a bit of a treat.

yourself. Oh, man. I can't wait. I've never seen it. Oh, you're going to be excited. Larry Miller is a bee. Oh, get ready to drink that, honey. Everybody is a bee. Most people are bees. Except for the lady that

Jerry Seinfeld bee is trying to fuck, though. You told me that flagger. Oh, really? Yeah, man. Oh, I'm getting excited now. It's like Jerry McGuire level. Oh, really? Not really. He's going to sting in that, man. Woo. Ew.

So until next week, when we're finally talking about B-movie. Yay. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Zadang. Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. Take it easy.