We Hate Movies - S7 Ep288: Episode 288 - My Father the Hero

Episode Date: February 14, 2017

On this week's episode, the gang gets grossed out by the 1994 daddy-daughter comedy, My Father the Hero! Couldn't the production have given Gérard a better haircut and nicer fitting clothes? How are we supposed to feel anything for this cold-blooded ice monster that Katherine Heigl plays? And how did we not get any more Tobo in this stinker? PLUS: Our greatest fake movie yet, Fat Spies! My Father the Hero stars Gérard Depardieu, Katherine Heigl, Dalton James, Lauren Hutton, Faith Prince, Ann Hearn, and the great Stephen Tobolowsky; directed by Steve Miner.Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

now on today's program this one's really gross we're talking my father the hero i'm andrew jupin stephen say that chris cabin eric cisca and we hate movies Hello, everyone, welcome to we hate movies. Thank you for tuning in, as always. Like I said, at the top of the program, this is My Father, the Hero, directed by Steve Minor, who also gave us, get ready for this. Lake Placid, Halloween H-2O, Big Bullie, the first war, Warlock. Remember the Warlock movies? Yeah.

It's pretty horrible. Soul Man. House with George Wendt. This guy's a great director. And here we go. Speaking of our date in Atlanta, Friday the 13th parts 2 and 3. Oh, okay. Yeah. Is Julian Assange? No, that's my question.

Is Julian Sands too old to play Julian Assange? Maybe. Yes. That's kind of a just unfortunate. Maybe he could play him like in the future. realm. Once WikiLeaks has destroyed the whole planet. Trump's final days starring Julian Assange. It's like a hellscape.

Oh, that's a bunker I want a camera in. Yeah, like if Julian Assange became president and the after presidency photo, that would have to be. I mean, he looked old in Ocean's 13. Happy Valentine's Day, by the way, everybody. Oh, yeah. Oh, wow. I didn't even realize. Yeah, this is a romantic episode.

Are we singing boys to men after all this? curl up to your dad you know kiss his fat neck right in the Lincoln bedroom right oh yeah no no that's happening

you get a bunch of a bunch of discarded Nordstrom's products and just fuck on a pile of it ew not a shade I disagree with this joke this movie happened

in the great year 1994 by the way I think that says a lot about what we're dealing with right here I don't get this like this is there's almost ways of this movie isn't fantastically creepy and it goes the other way every single

time. Oh yeah, it manages to get grosser and grosser as the minutes tick by. Now this is Gerard Depardue starring in a remake of a French film that he also starred in of the same name. Was that a Weber? Was that Weber? I forget how to say the guy's name

Weber or Weber, the French comedy. Yeah, Justin Bieber. I don't believe so. I don't believe so. Okay. Because he co-wrote this. This is the um this is the same exact plot but apparently i haven't seen the french version but apparently it's a little more serious which that's not good it's possible that it gets grosser that way i don't know i don't know about that i don't like that and this is uh this is also katherine hegel um Hollywood punching bag

katherine higle yeah i always think she got a raw deal from those uh from that knocked up thing like that she was such a bitch i just imagine she's just not an improviser and she's like Can we just, like, do the scene once? I just imagine that she's not really an actor. And that's also a problem. She's horrible. She's also not really a human being. I just imagine when you're on that Apatow set, unless you're an Apatow guy.

You're like, can we just... Is it lunchtime yet? Is it really lunchtime yet? Guys, could you stop blighting your farts? Yes. Please. If you weren't in that TV show, he did, what was that? Freaks and Geeks and or Un declared.

Yeah, then he's got no love for you on that. set. Here's a hot take, by the way. Undeclared, better than freaks. Absolutely. Much more watchable. Really? I think so. I think it's terrible. But what? It's terrible. I don't know. I couldn't get into it. Now, Cabin, I'm just, I'm curious. I'm looking up this other, this other dude here, Francis Weber. I don't know if he directed it or not. But now, now I'm, I mean, he did like, I think he did the original, the movie that three men and a little and a baby were, was based on. Okay. Who's dating the baby in that movie? in the original one. I do believe it was Gerard de Pinsue of Gerard de Padu. I mean, like, that's the thing. Like, you know what, man, like, I love me a good old-fashioned misunderstanding, which is a war.

You know, it's like, oh, no, you think that we're, you know, you think that, I don't know, I'm a millionaire. Oh, no, you think that I have cancer. Or, oh, no, you know, you think that we're dating the same girl on the same night. All that's fine. Yes. Oh, no, you think I'm molesting my daughter, not so much fun. Well, it's No, this is what, it's not

molesting my daughter. They just think that he's like fucking a child. Yes, exactly. They don't understand that it's a 16-year-old child. Hey, hey, it's not that bad. Okay, good. I'm just trying, no, no, no.

In a world of gross misunderstandings, you got to make sure you nailed what the misunderstanding is. It's a D-Minish, not an F. Oh, no, this movie's a fucking F, man. Don't worry about it. So it's, yes, Gerardner Purdue plays Catherine Nichol's dad. they're very estranged which is never really fully explained anytime that's the other problem is that anytime you get away from the creepy sex molested whatever thing once you get away from that

it's so confused and nothing's happening and like he's just like he's still in love with katherine heigel's mother that seems to be like a he had work in france and refused to move like to the united states that's what i sort of got out of that yeah i mean so they go to i mean just the overview here They go to a couple's resort for some reason. Or it's pretty close to a couple's resort. It is, which is amazing because Gerard Deppardadre Duid claims that he's been planning this vacation for a year, and it's like, dude, read up on the resort.

How about that, buddy? And she, too, impress a boy, pretends that her dad is her lover. Correct. We are throwing the lover word around way too. Quite a lot. How about boyfriend? What about boyfriend?

Boyfriend, sure. And I agree with Gerard Depp Ardu when he says, like, oh, the word lover. And I'm like, yeah. No, that's right. Hey, Catherine Heigel, stop saying lover. Well, she picks it up from her dad because he's dating, well, I don't want to spoil the ending here. He's dating Emma Thompson.

Emma Thompson, yeah, the revealed no one cared about. Catherine Heigel's his mistress. He's not dating. But he calls Emma Thompson his love, oh, I have a love all back in Paris. And like, he keeps talking their lover. I mean, I guess maybe that's why she's picking up the phone. Like, can I at least be your fucking girlfriend? Again, do you want to cut, like, I know the movie is already only 89 minutes.

Thank God. What a blissful runtime. You could, man, you could shave it even more, man. You could get that down to a good 85. You take out these stupid, like, her feet while he's calling her. Oh, her fucking feet. Oh, that's what I want. Steve Minor fucking foot fetish.

Oh, dangling. It's entire, it's in play. Wait, does all of his movies have dangling? I don't know. Does anyone? Well, we got to rewatch Warlock. I was going to ask, does that alligator get anybody's little toes in, like, classic. Somebody's toes definitely dunk into the water.

Oh, yeah. I think Benny White's dangling at the end of that movie. A slow toe shot getting wet. Slow toes. Oh, that's disgusting. Quintarantino has nothing but samurai movies, kung fu movies, old black exploitation, and a lot of Steve Minor for some reason in it, in that vault of his. You ever see the feet in the end as Friday the 13th Part 3? Oh, yeah.

Oh, this is vintage minor. On 4K. It's just, it's Kurt Russell at his new movie talking at length about Warlock for some reason. You're like, why does he know about this? That'd be a great monologue. That would be a great monologue. That would be really impressive. Here's something that I need to bring up immediately.

Please. Because you get it from the, I mean, because Gerard Deb Arduz is in the first shot of the film, basically. this haircut I mean and it's like it's the Gerard Departu If you want to look like a moron You go to a barber shop You're like give me the Gerard Departu

But this I mean It is like He's in the circus with this haircut It is so terrible It's not good It's like you can have long hair That's fine But like you don't look like a fucking musketeer

The entire time I think he's played at least Well he's played a musketeer At least like four times Here's the thing This haircut can work if you're like a surfer. If you're a fat French

on the other hand, who would never, I mean, he windsurps in this a little bit. He does a little jet skiing too. But like, yeah, it looks like you look foolish. He looks very foolish.

And speaking of the surfing and everything, I have to say this about Gerard Depardue because I think about it almost every time I watch a movie with Gerard Departu's in it. I think they're going to say almost every day. No, but I might start. Gerard Depardepardue is a guy

who doesn't give a fuck about taking his shirt off, man. Oh, yeah. Like, you see him in this movie, it's just, it's the gut to end all the guts. I think he's like the kingpin, though. I think he's all muscle. Like, he's like, he doesn't have man boobs. And that stomach looks pretty solid. Well, because I think if you tried to punch him, it would be like, I know,

it would be like cinder blocks. Like, how is this possible? You know, it's just layers. Like, it's like the fat had nowhere to go. So calcified. Yeah, exactly. Oh, great. It's like, yeah, it builds up like a reef, and it's hard to penetrate.

Well, because I was going to say, I know me and you, me and Andrew Diffron, welcome to New York. He is full fucking naked. He's, yeah, when he goes to jail. What do you see? Everything. Everything. The whole fucking show. The McGilla.

Dude, how is it? It's great. How does this movie not have a cartoon opening? Because it sounds like it's about, it sounds like it's about to have it because it's like, Bidab, scap. And I'm like, oh, here. Because this is a movie that takes place in the Bahamas, so you have to have like the bullshit pop calypso nonsense.

Basically the soundtrack from Weekend of Bernie's 2. But also has like that... Which does have a cartoon opening. That superior film. Flirty like chadei sounded like... La-di-da. Oh yeah. You're totally right.

But I guess maybe doing a cartoon about a dude being... I know he doesn't screw his daughter, but... It's not Charrette Barreux's fault, though. But he's okay with people thinking he's fucking his daughter. That's kind of the point. That's the worst thing. But that's not till like halfway through the movie. So we are in New York to start.

Gerard Deppard Duaneu takes a cab from the airport to his ex-wife's apartment, which is right on Central Park South. Who's playing the ex-wife? Nobody? I mean, she's somebody. It's somebody. Everybody is somebody. And everybody wants somebody to love, I think, is the idea.

I don't know. I didn't recognize her. Yeah, so she, like, and this weird thing is, like, he hasn't seen her daughter in years, and she's like, look, Nikki has changed. Like, oh, I don't care, Nicole is my little girl. Shut to be, oh, Mr. Sam, always the same, always the same. Which is, it's always the flaw of these fathers that think that. It's like, it's like fucking Liam Neeson, too, in those taking movies, he's like, I got you a teddy bear. You like this teddy bear?

And she's like, no, I'm 31 years old. I'm going to graduate high school next month. Would you like a karaoke machine? Oh, that, oh, that dread. full birthday president. I got you voice lessons with Britney Spears. I don't want that, dad. It has a cassette player in it.

I got you a bunch of standard definition DVDs of Justin Timberlake. Concert footage. I heard he's bringing sexy back. This one even has an interview with him. Man, concert DVDs, you could keep them all. Not to be confused with concert films, though. Sure. But just those like,

live at the whatever the fuck yeah no thing Raging Against the Machine Live at Washington I think that's the only one I ever owned Oh wow I had a I have I think I might still have it It's like Paul McCartney Born in the USA concert

Which is like it's actually pretty rad But I'm like why do you spend money on this? Yeah sure Watch it once you paid you Speaking of why you spend money on it My father the hero So like they meet up Like she's being really nasty to her mother

Because you know she's going through The terrible teen thing as we imagine It's very important to remember that Catherine Hegel is 15 when this movie is filmed. Oh. If you made this movie. That's a good trivia. If you pulled a 90210 and you got like a 20 year old actress to play like a 14 year old girl. Like we do all of the time in America. Yep. The one time we don't do it is my father of the hero.

I'm like, what the fuck are we talking about? That's a bad time to try to break that streak. Exactly. Like get any 20 year old. It's just less like, because she looks like a child. Like that's the thing. It's like you're looking at a child in Skippy. outfits and you're like, no. Yeah, it's gross. She's 15 playing 14. I mean, it just, it keeps getting worse the layers

you peel back of this casting decision. I do want to mention that this was a Steve select here. No, this is an Andrew move. What? Yeah, that's right. I mean, I've seen this a long time ago. It's always been on my docket as well. Oh, sure. That's because you were just talking about it all the time. Well, he's got that my father of the hero tattoo, which I've never really

understood. And underneath it says, la-di-da. What's awkward is like, Gerard are due is thrown right into this like like Steve mentioned like they're not the mother and daughter aren't getting along and it's just this awkward like they're just fighting like the start of this movie is just fucking arguing yes not a great place in the middle like hey what's going on here let me try to solve everything I played it with the dog and the whole thing is like she's just pissed at him because she's missed her entire life yeah right and like we never kind of say that and

we never actually like rectified that one thing you know what I mean because like they go to the airport and like he is like I'll get you at Soda Pop if you want it And he goes like Because he's Gerard de Perdue Quote unquote the sexiest man alive Is flirting with the ticket The agent there?

And she's like Is she coming to the trip to dad? And it's like You're only making it worse I mean I get it But like stop stirring shit I mean it starts right there too And you like just look

Just his interaction with this bartender At this airport Sure And she's just looking at him like That bitch So she's like She's like jealous, huh? Yeah, like, it's really fucking weird, man.

Why doesn't my father look at me the way he looks at other women? Hitchcock stuff. This is not La Dida. Like, that's not what it is. You're right, it's not La Dida, as a matter of fact. It's quite the opposite. This is also another one of those weird instances. Like, he comes back with a drink and she takes a sip and she's like, ew, what's this?

Yeah. And he's like, it does a Shelet Temple. It is your favorite. And she's like, it was when I was a kid, you fat moron. He's like, I've written you a letter every week for the last five years. That's good enough. And it's like, not really, dad. They're writing letters in 1994.

Yeah, because I'm going to pick up the goddamn phone. He's certainly picking up the phone a lot in this movie. This movie is like 40% Gerard de Pard Dupardue making long-distance phone calls. I can't imagine the phone bill. You're leaving voiced messages, not even having a conversation. That's Gerard Dupard Dupard Dupardue and his girlfriend's answering machine. So my question is, whose decision? was it to go to this resort? Does she like

She doesn't even seem to do it. It's him. No, this is 100%. Yeah, it's here. Yeah, it's all. Like, I think she was like, I would love to go tour like European art museums and he was like, down to the Bahamas we go. It's just like, whatever. Yeah, like, what is she supposed to do here? Like, what, she's

just, you're going to watch her fucking fat dad windsurf. Great. Well, that's, that's the fault of Gerard DeBurdue. Booking the wrong like resort like clearly this is an older people resort you've got this the one young boy yeah who lives there with his white parents yeah Greg Brady a real Greg Brady type I thought yeah totally like you're just living in the Bahamas you're like some rich guy you're part of the fucking problem pal you and your family first of all it's like when they do when he's like the guy on the Olympics when they do the part what is it the parade of nations yeah yeah

my favorite part of the Olympics you get to the Bahamas and it's like one white dude shorts. Yes, exactly. I love, yeah, I do. Honestly, like, if we do the Parade of Nations every week, I'd be okay with that. And that would be great, too, because it just reminds me of, like, what countries are still around.

Exactly. That's a good way to keep up with everybody that we haven't eliminated yet. In these tumultuous times, I like to know who's still standing. And the Parade of Nations helps me do that every four years. A weekly roll call would be very helpful. Everybody raised their hands. Yeah, I'm like, you know, hey, Trinidad and Tobago,

you still here? Okay, good. see you next week. Sunday night. Get me ready for the week. Paging Albania. Oh, no. No. Sorry. Paging Albania. That's actually maybe like a title of like Jim Belushi's like memoir or something. Beijing Albania. Why didn't I mean then we can, uh, why didn't Jim Belushi ever play the big heavy in one of those taken movies? Oh, I thought you were going to say why didn't he play a movie in a movie where he wants, his daughter wants to say he's the love.

Oh, good Lord, no. I was going to say, my daughter. For Taken, I don't think he has the gravitas. Yeah. He also definitely can't pull off an Albanian accent. If, like, a Jimmer Brown kind of character, then yes. Maybe, like, Liam Neeson's now killing Albanian Americans. Oh, he's moving.

I'm moving on. You're the great, great cousin of someone I killed in Europe. I'm going to Chicago. I'm going to fucking kill you. I'm going to the Bronx, New York, which has a very large, a robust. Albanian population and I am going to kill them all just in case because honestly it's getting a little bit too much with the Albanians already I can't even go on fucking vacation

I'm going to raise all five miles of that neighborhood so they go and like here's where we get our Stephen Tobolowski and Hearn is here underutilized the both of them like yep they kind of play like this Greek chorus I guess it's like them and another couple they're mostly from Scranton Pennsylvania but they all have different accents yeah that's kind of And I'm sure Greek chorus is exactly what they were thinking.

Yes, yes. Well, it's just weird because it's like, you know, Gerard de Pardue blusters by them in a particular scene or whatever. And, like, it's their, I mean, they are Greek chorus. Like, it's just their job to be like, hey, the movie's still going on. And, like, that's, oh, is he French? No, that's not French. This is French. It's the four, it's two couples, Toblaski and her and two other people who have, like, New York accents.

The other woman vaguely wants to fuck Depardue. She does first, when she first meets him and then... No, we're not talking about that desperate red-headed character. No, no, no, no, no. That's the saddest figure in the film. Annie Potts almost. Oh, she wishes. Franny Potts?

Franny Pots. Also, to go along with that haircut, by the way, also have to mention that, uh, the suits that they have him in in this movie, the clothing. Like, I get he's a big fat guy. It's also, it's also the 90s that everything was a little biased. I know. It's so bad, though, to be a fat man in the 90s, dude, these suits are out. He's swimming in these things. I mean, these are the shirts.

If he was dropped from a plane, he could use them as. It was a flying squirrel suit. It would be just slightly tight on King Kong, this jacket. If you put King Kong in a dinner jacket, it would be this jacket. I'm here on vacation. The circumstances in which King Kong is invited to a jacket's only dinner, by the way. Well, you're not getting pants on an ape. No, I just meant you have to have a jacket to get in.

Like if King Kong was dining at the Friars Club. Or the Friars Club roast of King Kong. Oh, man, Godzilla went a little too hard. Like, you could tell King Kong, like, felt it. Like, it wasn't, like, funny anymore. King Kong was like, I thought these people were my friends. And then he trashed Manhattan. I mean, all of Manhattan.

The monkey from Rampage is there. He does like this weird 9-11 joke And then like he gets into the aristocrats Doesn't Rampage also have a werewolf? It has a werewolf of a monkey and a lizard person And then also there's a monkey there from primal fear Primal rage Primal rage yes

And all the other monkey games And the Lake Placogator Well of course Donkey Kong has to be the whole of donkey Kong There's a table of Donkey Kong But I'm assuming Donkey Kong is going to leave about half way through the ceremony. You know who could have played Donkey Kong is Gerard Depardue. Oh, yes.

That would be great. Right? Dunkett Kong. And John Leguizamo is Diddy Kong. Oh, yes. He could ruin another video game adaptation. So we're here. We're at this resort.

She sees this, like, sexy boy. And it's like the only moment of the movie where she's even attempting comedy of any kind. She, like, she has a little physical comedy right here. Do you notice this she, like, is looking at this dude. And she bumps into a table. and you're just supposed to be, like, laughing your ass off. And actually, I kind of wish this would happen more because, like, for most of this movie,

I really didn't, I didn't like her. No, she's a fucking patron. I mean, even outside the lying shit, like, even beyond that. Yes. Whenever you ever liked her? Never. Okay, so that's a fair point. But you're talking about liking the character.

The character, I'm specifically talking about the character. She's despicable. Well, the weird thing is, like, yeah, they have these moments where it's like, oh, man, this girl just, like, got fucked over by her dad real hard, but a lot of it is just her lying for literally no reason. Yeah, she's human

trash. She should have, here's my fix for this movie to make her a little bit better. Is she either as a friend on the, like she calls up like an Anna Chlompsky type at this time, we'll call it? And like she's like, oh, you know what you should do? And she's got all these bad ideas and Catherine Hegel's just like a vessel. Right. That's

okay. The fact that she's sitting there just drumming this stuff up instantly. Yeah, she's a sociopath. Exactly. Or if she's like reading a novel and this is in the novel. Oh, right. Yeah, that's a good idea. Oh, yeah, books are full of bad ideas. Exactly. Well, that would presume that this character is reading.

Could we talk about the thong scene? Like, we really kind of have to, right? You have to. It's the elephant. And Hegel has gone on record saying, if she knew now what she knew, then she never would have done it. Because, I mean, there's just, it's the first scene. And, like, you kind of see what this is trying to do. It's like, oh, kids these days, ladies, girls' outfits are getting more provocative.

Oh, you're not going outside dressed like that. Exactly. Where's the rest of your swimsuit, young lady? Provocative, whatever. But literally we're putting a 14-year-old in a thong and just putting a camera on it. It's outrageous. And just keeping a camera on it. She's by the pool and Gerard DePard-Depardtou comes up and he's like something something cheeseburger.

She's like, what are you going to eat for lunch? One for me and one for me. Do you want that quarter pounder or baconator? Please catch that pickles. they're dripping off The pickles The pickles are in my pocket And you have to just put your hand in there

And oh no it's not what it looks like It's just getting my pickle That what a funny misunderstanding She's just getting my pickle Uh No so that she's like She's like whatever I'm disgusted by you And she goes to get up

And like her ass is just there in this thong It's really gross And he flips out He's like a sock lea blue And like grabs a towel And if that's what we're doing, like, one quick shot suffices. Do you know what I mean? Like, oh, my God, I know what's going on now.

Let's not look at it for a while. Or just have him, like, the cameras on him, and he's looking down and it's like, and he's like, no. It's at the beginning of lost in translation with a fucking 14-year-old girl. It's not all right. She's just pensively staring out a window. Exactly. And it doesn't help that this is intertwined with, like, some pretty racist shit.

Oh, right. she's talking to, like, one of the guys from the island there. I think it's one of the Baja, man. I don't think it's one of the Baja. But he comes up and he says, oh, where's his parole officer? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And then, well, she flat out says to him a few minutes after this, like, is it because he's black? And he's like, no, it's not because he's black. It's because you're a child. And this dude's like 20, like, that's the thing is all these people, all these dudes at this resort are fucking falling for it. You know, and they're already, this is a fucking really lecherous colony we've got going here. Because these are all these people that go to the, they're like, oh, it's international waters kind of. I don't know what the age of consent is.

In the Bahamas, that's a good call. I don't know either. Maybe it's kind of like a howling situation. Everybody's just there to fuck. Yeah. Also, that's something you could add to the parade of nations, right? What werewolves? Well, werewolves would be great.

They should be represented. No, I was going to say, like, when you get out to the Parade of Nations, you've got a sign. And it says what the age of consent is in your country for all the sex perverts out. Now we're talking, that's a good, now it makes sense to do that weekly. Just in case that changes, you're like, oh, well, I'm going on vacation next week. Let me watch the parade, this week's Parade of Nations. All right. Now I know Trinidad and Tobago, 18.

Got it. 12 plus Thailand. Oh, fuck. Wow, gross. There should be no pluses in age of consent. You're right. It should be minus. that's also terrible

wait what a division symbol what does that mean percent this is getting too much for me but I blame the Hegel's here right like in this thought like Mr. Mrs. Heigle you're definitely asked

you're doing this scene like yeah I mean a girl you know she doesn't care she's a 14 years old she doesn't know shit about shit she's in a movie I blame Mr. Steve Minor for putting the camera there but like somebody should be like actually let's do like a two-piece

like a regular old two-piece like whoa that's scandalous because you can still you know I don't need fucking butt crack in this I do not need butt crack just a single a single baby it's like listen Gerard Deppard Depardue cover her ass

that guy that guy's got a butt crack oh yeah where the Lord split him the fucking grand candy bring the quake out no I don't think God had anything to do with that that would be great if he was just in a banana hammock in this scene like the beginning of sexy beast Yeah, he's European.

He's in, there's one point in this movie where he's sleeping nude and like there's a sheet that's hanging on for dear life. And then he, it's not a full on banana hammock, but it's like a small-ass bathing suitable. I sit and on the beaches looking at the peaches. I had a great idea for a movie. It's like, it's an international bar, maybe we're in Morocco and it's two. Rick's American. Yeah, there you go. It's two spies.

one played by Gerard de Pardue, he's a French spy, and then you got Ray Winstone as a British spy. Two Fat Spies going at it? Can it be called Two Fat Spies? I think I like Two Fat Spies. That would be a great movie. It would. It would be like a real creaky, talky kind of movie.

Dude, it would be the big men. Casablanca the Return colon, two fat spies. And they're just constantly sweating and dabbing their foreheads with napkins. They're mysteriously. They keep ordering appetizers over and over again. Like that's kind of, and you don't know what the appetizers mean. I think it's time for pigs in a blanco. Oh, we are fitting in.

It is a, oh, we're called it tapas. Whenever, whenever they're walking, they're all making work on a croissant. All right, all right, my time to order. How about jalapino paupas? Oh, man, they're just trying to out and eat each other for the fate of the, of like, microfilm. I love this idea. So much. Apparently, it's like an applebee's in Morocco.

Yes, they're heard of an applebees in Morocco, clearly. They're taking a part of turkey from both sides. Oh, that would be great. Who can get to the wishbone first? Oh, I'm thinking, I'm just saving room for dessert. And it's like, oh, is you talking about, like, the food? Or is he really talking about, like, the missiles, maybe? No, he's definitely talking about an ice cream surprise.

That's the thing. They don't get any work done. There's no spying to be done because they're, trying to out-eat each other. They're trying to out each other or eat in as many anti-acids as possible. Zooten-law, here comes my frozen mudslide. Oh, and there's just buckets for vomit as well.

Oh, you need it. Regular spies shoot at each other, but fat spies, it's like they're just trying to kill each other with food, right? Oh, that's like they order the canolies. Like, they're trying to make it the richest, nastyest meat, just to, like, just to, like, destroy the cupcakes. I have a question of fast spy.

Do you yield? Do you yield? It's like in Raiders of the Lost Dark when She's out drinking everyone But it's plates of food Like clean the plate And you just turn it upside down And slam it on the table

Karen Allen has strawberry syrup All over her face I like that We've made a lot of fake movies in this show This is the one I want the most You could do this You can do this Better get the bucket

I'm going to throb! Oh, that movie Castle Blank of the return colon, two fat spies is way better than my father, the hero, either version. So at this point, she, like, goes to the beach by herself. A lot of just walking around by yourself.

Like, why are you even with your daughter at this point? Why go on a vacation where you're just going to be, I'm going to go fuck around. Talk to you later again. Yeah, it's that terrible thing where it's like, we're on vacation together and we're immediately making separate plans. It's, oh, boy, that kills me. What are we there for?

Exactly. Why didn't we just go someplace else, like, separately? And this is where she meets the guy, and he's like, you know, he knows the island backwards and forwards. And she's like, oh, you walked here by yourself. She's like, yes, I did. And he's like, first things first, how old are you? You know, what? Great question before you get in too deep.

Dicey answer. She says, well, I'm 18, which, you know what? No, no. No one is 18. I feel like nobody's 18. I don't believe it. Anyone who's eager to tell you that they're 18 is not 18. When you get that, then you have to eventually, in the next few hours, before things get too serious, work in the conversation.

Like, you want to see how stupid my driver's license photo is? Let me see yours, too. Exactly. That's a good move. You know what that is? That's the solution for that episode of SignFed where he doesn't know the woman's name. Exactly. The old my driver's license photo is stupid.

What does yours look like? It's also a great way to skill Someone's identity Oh, fast by My passport photo Is so stupid Yes And another round

Of mini hamburger Sliders I accidentally ate your identification Make that a ball of chili That's right Fat Spy You will die When you accidentally

Sit on a tower of onion rings Oh, you ate more identification did you well I ate all the documents in your Josie I got that's why I asked for the extra honey mustard

well you're going to have to get this microfilm out when I pass it. I didn't know it was hidden in the turkey I'll slather it with A1 oh yeah I like that that's one way to eat a document

I'm in Morocco More A1 sauce, please. We're in Applebee. It's an Applebee. In Morocco. Well, we were in the neighborhood. But yeah, so she says she's 18. The guy doesn't really buy it smartly.

But he's not like, fuck off. Yeah, yeah. He doesn't buy it, but he sticks around. I mean, she said it. And this actor is also, I think he's about, he's about 19, and that's a huge difference, too. No, doesn't he later say he's sad? I'm talking with the actor. Like the actor himself.

You can tell the difference. Like he looks like, you know... This guy's a grown man. He could play a Power Ranger. Exactly. He can play a Power Ranger. She has to... She's hanging out with Stephanie on fucking Full House.

You're totally right. He could play a Power Ranger and she could play with Power Rangers. I was going to say, is that really the Rubicon of Manhood? Well, the thing it's about the right of passage is from when you go from playing with Power Rangers to being one. Man, that new movie looks stupid. It sure does.

It's a mighty morphed bar mitzvah. Rangers, you became a man today. Read from this space Torah. Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye. He didn't do that translation. Oh, no. You know what that goes. Yeah.

Yeah, so it's just uncomfortable. And he's like, he's like, all right, little kid. I'm going to go back to snorkeling or whatever I'm doing out here by myself. But he's also, he makes a point, he's like, you're just walking around by yourself, like, on the beach and a foreign land? Like, this is one great way to get yourself the subject of a fucking Netflix crime documentary, by the way. Oh, no. Come on. Yeah, that's not a great idea.

So then, like, what is the, she's like at a, like, I guess she goes back to the resort itself at one point. Because, like, when Gerard Deppard-Depardtoo meets up with her in this one scene, she's talking to this, like, roady-looking scumbag guy. And he's just like, well, yeah, I am a photographer. It looks like Kevin Nash. It does. It's like if Kevin Nash like mashed up with Mark Boone Jr., that's this guy and he's like, yeah, I take pictures of things. Why, I take your picture? Oh, yeah. Yeah. This is, well, actually, thankfully, Gerard de Bardu shows up and stops the Netflix crime documentary from happening. Because this guy definitely gives her, he's like, you want this drink baby? And I'm like, oh, Dar Dupadoo gets right in there and he eats her drink.

He just bites into the glass. Like he's a fucking wrestler in ECW. So, yeah, that happens. And then, like, they do go to some sort of a dance. It's a resort, which, again, why would this kid want to be there? So she's hanging out with, like, 50-year-old people all day, every day. And there's, like, dances and talent shows and all sorts of nonsense that no one should ever go to a resort. No, no.

And, you know, I'm not there to meet people. Again, unless it's a singles resort where I'm literally trying to fuck. Right. I don't want to meet anybody. No, I want to be there with whoever I went there with and just like, shut up. Like, I had to deal with this. Like, when we went on our honeymoon, we went to this resort in Mexico and, like, we basically kept to ourselves. Sure.

But that one fat spy at the corner. That dude ate me under the table and stole my identification. It was so hard to get back to America. But it's like, yeah, they're doing like, you know, community nights and activities. Like, I get it. Like, you want to have stuff for people to do. It's just, like, totally unappealing to me. I don't give a flying fuck.

Like, leave me alone. But at this point, she does, now she begins her lie to the guy. Right. And she's like, look, that's my boyfriend. His name is Andre, which is actually her dad's name. But she also is like, she vacillates, by the way, between calling her father Andre, because she's a cool teenager. Yeah.

And a word that shouldn't appear in this movie with the context and with all the stuff that's going on. Please. The word, daddy. Daddy. Daddy. Let's just skip it. Problem. Problem.

Problem. It's just a problem word. She could just say dad. And that's totally. It's just, see how gross it is. I mean, he's a big daddy. He could get the big daddy dispatch for sure.

But she's got some line here where she's like, yeah, he's my boyfriend. But due to these, she's basically says like, due to this country's or like the world's like pesky child sex. Stupid laws and stuff. Yeah, these pesky sex laws, he's got to pretend to be my dad. this dude's just like uh-huh and she starts to filter in some stuff that she used was what did she say she used to be a prostitutor no her mother used to be the mother was a prostitute because she saw it on like an a current affair and she ran off with her pimp and it's like

this is her trying to be mature and impress this guy and it's just like it's one lie snowballing after another and she's just like spitting this shit out man she's a sociopath how about i'm 18 uh because she actually no she actually fences up she's like actually i'm 17 which is also what She's not. But she's like, hey, I'm 17. My dad drag me to the stupid resort. I hate it. Blah, blah, blah. He's an idiot. That's all you need. And then you can, you know, whatever. Like, why? This lie, it just, it's creepy. Because that won't stoke his male competition. There's a lot of that going on later in this movie, which is really weird. Yeah. But it's weird because like this, the whole like, you know, sitcom-esque mix-up starts on the other. end too because right when they get there, Tobo and Anne and the two other people like they themselves independently

of this make the assumption that they're like a gross couple kind of thing. Because like I think he does when they walk away like he does something where he maybe puts his arm around or something like that and they're like say. The French that's the joke. Oh the French. Yeah it's just you know and Tobo's just great.

Tobo is great. It's just great. There is a t-shirt that Tobo is wearing a the end of this movie, it's a cool t-shirt, man. I want it. I have to, like, freeze-fram it to see what's on it. What is it in? It's just, I don't even know. It's just some, like, hip pattern.

It looks like, it's like a t-shirt of comic strips or something. That's a sentence I will never believe in my life. I saw a cool t-shirts. Oh, come on, man. You had to have owned a couple of cool t-shirts in your day. I'm sure I did. I'm not sure if I want to be advertising it. Chris, you're wearing kind of a cool t-shirt right now.

Thank you. so yeah from there we just kind of it's just being on this miserable vacation with these people there is this other lady uh we kind of alluded to annie potts type who is uh talking up um katherine hegel and then like katherine higel puts her and her dad together like hey you know old people talk to each other on no care yeah get this dude off my back and you know she's like really desperately flirting with him and like he's been giving her no this entire he has to say no to this one at least she's 12 times. Like, like, well, you know, I'm in the relationship, but she's not here. And she's like, cool with me, man. Like, she's giving him the fucking go sign the entire time. Yeah, she's the one that actually clears it. She's like, oh, girlfriend, that's cool. Is she here with you? Yeah, exactly. And it's like, nope. Okay, let's just keep these stanchy waves of desperation coming. Out of curiosity, are you a fat spy? What do you mean? Now I'm going to eat you alive. My cover has been blown.

there you are my old friend I'm going to leave this McDonald's bank on a park bench and if you can pick it up you'll get the information and a lot of cheese do you know they made the Big Mac bigger oh no my

my pant pickle has been nicked I was saving that for the elevator ride So, like, we cut back and forth between, like, this first meeting of Depardieu and this desperate woman. And, like, the, uh, Heigel's walking on the beach with this dude. And that's all the, it's like the hilarious domestic abuse lies that are happening. It's just so weird. It is.

And then so, like, this kid gets, like, soured on Depp Ardu. Yeah, you know, this guy's a pervert. Which sets us up for, like, the scene of the movie. Yeah. I mean, this was, like, almost the entire trailer. The famous water skiing scene. That's the poster. The poster they have of this movie is a big fat Gerard de Perdue,

and behind him is him on water skis because that's really fun. It's all they were selling this movie with. I remember these trailers, and it's just like, look, it's a fat guy water skiing. You want to pay $4 to see this in theaters? No. All right. We'll see at the video store.

You could just watch the Great Outdoors again. Who am I to judge? Well, see, this is the fat sexy. yeah well you can watch he's fat funny this is fat oh yeah I was gonna say you could also watch summer rental I don't know that he's necessarily water skis in that movie

but it's also John Candy at the beach yeah which ain't bad got some classic rip torn in there oh right running the barnacle oh right he's the stuffy barnacle owner oh yeah oh yeah so yeah so they're like oh we're gonna go water skiing or whatever

and the kids driving the boat and he keeps like putting him in dangerous fun situations. And Catherine Hegel's like screaming at this guy. Like you're going to kill my boyfriend. Yes. God. And he just, you know, it's a lot of Gerard Departu's stunt doubling right here, which it's like, all right, we're going to need a big fat stunt guy for this movie. I think it was just a regular stunt guy covered in clay. He wore that fire suit, but it wasn't going to be lit up fire. Right. Yeah. They had to make it look human. So they had like red clay that they painted and like

or like Play-Dow On the beach where A Winstone looks out laughing, eating a whole fried halibut Like an apple Oh, can I Just because Update a story of people eating fish next to me At movies

This did happen again Oh god, really? We went during my I had the week off between Christmas and New Year's Just as an FYI I was like, oh, I want to see Rogue One again. So I went with a buddy of mine who doesn't have a regular job. So he was like, yeah, I'll go with you.

So what was it you, Chris? Yeah. No. No. Wow. Sick burn. Jesus. And, you know, I went to the concession stand.

So we get a fat guys, fat spies. And he was like, I'll save you a seat. And he was like, oh, there's people next to me. So I'll give, he was nice. He was like, I'll give Steve the seat with the empty one next to it. So, oh. That was just very nice. So I go, I sit down.

And this guy comes. in, this old lanky guy with a fucking bike helmet and a big bag of newspaper or whatever else is going on. Right, right fresh from the fishmonger? Yes, and he's like, he just excuse me, excuse me, bumping everywhere.

I'm like, all right, fine, fine. This is, you, you're saying the bag, it's like the, uh, uh, uh, it's a plastic bag full of like today, yesterday and last week's newspapers. We've talked about these people on the show before. These are the old New Yorkers that shouldn't leave their rent control departments.

Multiple layered, thank you, thank you, thank you, bag. Yes, exactly. What theater was this? This was Union Square. And there's your first. And like one o'clock in the afternoon on a Tuesday. Go do it. No more Union Square. Go on. So he sits down and like he just keeps elbowing me and he's like, he's like doing

that thing. Like, isn't it funny that I keep interrupting you with all of my shit? God, you know what? Here's the thing if you're ever asking someone that it's never fucking funny. That person wants to kill you. And I'm like, all right, fine. That sucks. And then as the beginning of the movie starts, he takes out a preterm

long baguette sandwich right tuna fish and he's eating it like a hot dog like you know what like eating a tuna fish sub as if it were just like a finger food and so he turned it sideways yeah and he's just oh just like eating it like normal like it's just like a thing somebody could eat

that's disappointing it was disgusting how fat was he no he was like super skinny like yeah so he was it sounds well it's he wasn't a spy. He was just a rude movie theater. He might have been a contact though. Oh, yeah. Or the fat spy.

Oh, right. Yeah, like hand off a sub. Your contact will have a pret-mage bag. Oh, he left it in a bathroom stall. This dude picked it up. Fucking nice bathroom sandwich, dude. Spies eat a lot of those. He says next is the chili round.

Okay, I've got the meat point. Now let me eat this sandwich. on the toilet. How is this espionage? Great question. I don't know why, but the governments do it. Every government has fat spots. Yeah, it's fully funded, dude.

I don't know. Let me ask you something, my friend. How many meatballs do you believe you could eat in one sitting? If your number ain't in the double digits, I've clearly won. you haven't come here to play come here to play they've got like Baccarat chips next to them as well

some sort of gambling apparatus goes on I love this oh yeah so this movie happens oh we get so this is an it's an annoying resort thing the talent night whatever and she's just like

Tobo is like oh we're they're doing a monologue from something a street car I want more of this by the way sure I would love this Can we do the full production? Just do that. Please film that.

I'll watch that instead of this movie. There's also one of my favorite, I guess you'd call him like a featured extra in this movie. So there's a couple that's doing like a tango. The mullet on this guy doing the tango is outrageous. There's like birds flying out of this thing. So his, Catherine Hagle leaves and everyone's like kind of staring at him because this rumor is going around now because like this kid's telling everybody who will listen. And he told the guy in the boathouse, all this shit, about, like, how creepy this couple is.

Because that goes around. And his, the lady friend, the Annie Potts type is like, hey, I hear you play the piano. You should go up there and play the piano. And he's like, okay, what should I play all the answer? Like, sub did French, you creepy fuck! And he's like, okay, that's a little aggressive for a crowd. The creepiest Jacques Braille song, which is pretty hard to do. It's, thank heaven for little girls, which is a song that should have

goodness for little girls. It should have been retired in the 60s. You know what I mean? Like whatever. Before child molesters were invented? Yes, exactly. Before we invented them in the lab. Once we got to that point, we're like you know what? Fucking Reagan, dude. First AIDS now this.

He invented it all, man. But yeah, he goes through it and everyone was like, boo, this is fucking gross. No, it's better than that. No one says shit. They all just quietly walk out disgusted. It's a room full of disgust, and they all just quietly leave, and he's just

tank-tankering away on this keyboard. But Franny, Franny believes she stays. Well, because she knows, that's the other frustrating part about this movie. She's into it. She knows that Catherine Hegel is his daughter, and, like, is she not

sniffing what's going around the rest of this resort? Open your mouth! They're not whispering about this. They're saying it pretty loudly. Like, she needs to be like, oh, I see why they're leaving. Guys, Hang on a second. Stop everything. You know what?

Andre, stop playing. Listen, everybody, you think that he's fucking a little girl. It's actually his daughter. He's not fucking her. I've faxed from the American consulate. I've got her birth certificate right here. Now, please sit and enjoy this creepy song. Do you?

I have eaten it. I ate my own birth certificate. It's the only way to hide your identity in another country. You put some. I was sauce on it and you chumped down by my birth certificate. I wrote it up with some brisket. Ooh. Slow-cooked birth certificate.

So at this point, he's like, goes back to Catalan and he's like, what is going on? The virus, everyone's so mad at me. And she's like, well, promise you won't get mad? And like, okay. Actually, you know, this is after, like, there's this scene where they have lived dinner and it's one of the many scenes where, like, he, like, he, like, like is shown to be a terrible father because she's like hey remember three years remember my 16th or my 13th birthday which is a big deal for me and you were in new york and you just decided to fucking ghost me on my birthday yeah wow you know what man as big as this town is this is

a small town you find out shit like that really fast he's like oh she's like oh you're just with your girlfriend and he's like oh i'm sorry and she like cries and leaves and he's like well they're still meat to be eaten and he's just at the dinner table like you're on vacation with your daughter. You're trying to mend this relationship. You don't let her just go off, storm off because she's mad. Steve, listen, there's an all-you-can-eat buffet at stake. He'll do one thing first and

fix the other thing later. That food's not going to wait. He sees Ray Woodstone out of the corner of his eye. He puts a napkin under his shirt collar. I say, oh no, I have to chase my daughter, but the great game has begun. That's like waving, waving like a green flag.

to start a race man, you put that napkin in your shirt? It's fucking odd. Get eaten. Ray Winstone goes up onto the pit takes the suckling pig off the roast. Without any gloves. He like raises it above his

head and then his chung down on it. Oh yeah. Splits it at half hands one to fucking Depardue. I heard you're a fat spy. Let's see how good you are. You eat the ass end of it. I'm going to start with the eyeballs.

I'm going to eat this apple right out of this pig's mouth. I'm going to bob for a pig's mouth apple. So, I mean, like, clearly. I mean, I guess it's like who goes to the hospital first, loses. Yeah, dude. I'm going to eat his teeth, too. Chopping on pig teeth. That's disgusting.

Well, you never know. That might be where the hospital comes into play. Well, maybe the microfilm is hidden in the twos. Sure. Because I think that's the move is you eat as much as possible. You out-eat someone and you've got the documents in there, right? And then you fiddle around in your own feces later to find all the important information. Smart.

Hey, speaking of out-eating, I think of the four people in this room, Chris Cabin and I are the only ones that have had that full pig's head, man. You got a couple fat spots You had that right, didn't you? Yes, I did. Oh, yeah. Well, Steakhouse. M. Wells Steakhouse in Long Island City, baby.

When in town, please visit. That's where fat spies go. That's the neutral zone. Fats spies just come in and eat a sensible dinner. It's like Switzerland. We cannot indulge. Oh, man. Oh, Gerard Deppardt

do around this part in the movie gets punched in the face by this kid which is kind of funny Oh that's when Yeah so he goes over there He's like Where's my daughter?

Give me show me my Or he's like Where's Nicole? Show me Nicole And he's like Should I go with you You fucking pervert And then like he's like

Oh yeah Right this way And he just He does like a quick punch Right on that snooker man Yeah Big enough Target Dardip Ardu's nose

I think it's an Owen Wilson Situation We got broke early on Kind of a deal Oh sure That could He can't sniff out truffles. I've got that on you, my English counterpart.

That is right. I am path pig. I can sniff out truffles in a bed of shit. Oh, God. That's disgusting. So, like, he's like, why does it won't hit me at this resort? She's like, you promise you're not going to get mad? He's like, well, yeah, sure, it's a sitcom, so I promise I won't get mad. And she's like, well, actually, I told everybody we're fucking and that I, you know,

you're a pimp and you're a gross piece of shit. just to get this boy to like me. And he's like, what? Actually, speaking of his overreaction right there. Not underreaction, to be quite honest. Yeah. Well, there's two things play right here that I find hilarious. One is, as he's, we lead into him finding out what the deal is.

Steve sort of touched on it, but like he is being driven insane trying to figure out why people don't like him at this place. What is the wrong with him? He's fucking pulling his hair out. but the start of this scene like the confession scene is one of the funniest like blinking you misset things it starts with Gerard Defrudez

like sitting in a chair and he's reading a fortune magazine and he's sort of like he's making a face like I don't believe what's in this magazine and he's like

what just like looking at this Fortune magazine like angrily you don't really know what he does for a living in this movie no you don't he's like a new business

he's a fat spy Andrew That's why we don't know. That's actually true. I just thought of something. Ray Winston is in MI 600 pounds. Oh, nice. Bravo.

So this is the, I mean, this should be in a logical non-3s company universe, you know, where he's like, wow, this is really fucked up.

It ends here. But instead he's like, okay, I will help you keep up this disgusting farce. So you can, and this is what's stupid also. Like,

so you, can get this guy for, I mean, what are we left at this vacation? Like three minutes? Exactly. You're going back to New York. He literally lives on this island. Who could care? It's a vacation fuck or not even, it's a big, the idea is I think, uh, Franny Potts

is like the most important thing to a little girl or a girl her age is a vacation fuck. Yeah, the, the first kiss. And that's what she's looking for and like, it's going to be magical and like anything. Oh man. Yeah. And like, I guess, do it when you get back to the city. I guess the idea is. like Gerard de Perdue feel so bad for neglecting this girl for fucking five years.

And also there's a thing where like, she's like, you're going to go and have other kids, aren't you? You're not going to care. It's like, what? Probably, but not really. But most definitely, probably. But this is a thing where it's like you're supposed to give a shit that this character is like upset about like, oh, my dad's going to have this new family and move. Like, I don't give a fuck about this girl. She's terrible.

She's awful. As Gerard de Perdue screams out, they think I'm a child molester. That's all you need to? Like, lady. You set an entire resort against your father, making all of these strangers think that he's molesting you. Not cool. The background of the family values bullshit. I don't need it.

No, no fucking way. Oh, my God. He's got trouble with his girlfriend. I don't care. Also, though, Emma Thompson is your stepmom pretty cool. Not bad. Yeah, great. Not bad. A 1994 Emma Thompson, pretty cool.

So for dubious reasons, he's like, all right, I guess there has to be a movie, so he, like, goes along with it. And this is where, like, I think, I think Jarter Purdue is a great actor. He is an excellent act. He's got good comic timing. He just doesn't have the great command of the English language, which isn't his fault. He's French. It's like having Kevin James have to remake Paul Blart Mall Cop in France and have to speak French the whole time. Well, I'd love to see that fucking fail.

Better movie, I would guarantee it. It would definitely be more interesting. This or the original Paul Blart. Original Paul Blart. And probably this, too. You get Romaine Duris in there somehow? Sure. You know, Paul Blart, oh, my God, that's not his real name.

What was it again? Kevin James. He can play the American Fat Spine. The one from the CIA. Oh, yeah, totally. Do you know who his handler is? Joe Don Baker. I was just going to say, totally.

Oh, yeah. Get in there, Fat Spire. Kevin James. I'm retired. Get down on those whips. We got to train you, boy. Now, you got to eat these hot dogs. I've done my time.

You got 10 minutes to eat all the pickles and drink all the juice. You'll retire early because I contracted adult onset diabetes from all the eating. You wouldn't believe what I ate in the 1970s. You kids got it a lot. How much whipping you eat last night. I mean, at least now you don't have to smoke cigarettes all the time. Indoor's. That's what we did in the 70s, brother.

On top of the cream. Oh, God. Oh, yeah, you want a nice bowl of creamy cigarettes? It's disgusted. So he goes along with it and it's like, you know, it's this weird balance of, well, because also like somewhere around here, because she keeps like

making up all these ridiculous stories about this fake life that this guy's had. Like he fucking, like, worked with the KGB speaking of fat spies and he did all this shit. There's a fake stupid joke where she's like, oh, you contracted this war wound in the hundred years war. And he's like, that wasn't the set?

You know, whatever it was. But, like, clearly everybody knows the 100 years war. Like, even a 17-year-old kid knows that the 100-year-old war was a very long time ago. Yeah, no, it's pretty stupid. So, like, the guy, the teenage boy starts, what's his name, Russ? Ben. Ben, yeah. Ben starts.

Russ. You know, one of these days, I will loosely guess a name. It'll be correct. It's one of those thin kid names. Was it Ben or Russ? That's true. Exactly. So Ben.

Like Steve, man. Andrew, Chris. I wish I was born of Ben. So, like, this guy, Ben starts kind of like falling for Gerard DeBard-Bard Bardu, like, thinking he's pretty cool kind of a thing.

And she's like... Because she ramps down the creepiness factor. She's just like, oh, he just, he actually saved me from the streets. We don't actually fuck. He's just like my friend. They act like Ben can't get a boner anymore.

Yeah, because he's like, he feels threatened by Gerard de Barthew, which... All the war stuff has... made him limp. Which, again, is really weird. Boner broke. Oh, that white striped song, Boner broke. Great song.

But why on Earth, like, this is a very adult phenomenon. You know what I mean? Like, oh, I'm threatened by him. We're talking about kids who should be planning their first kiss. It's not like, oh, this guy is sexually threatening me. He a masculine, a 17-year-old boy can't be emasculated. I don't know about that.

Well, also, like, by a fat spy, possibly. This kid, though, this kid, this Ben character, this isn't his first rodeo man? Yeah. He's grown up on this island. He's getting all sorts of vacation or tail. He looks like fucking Greg Brady. He's doing just all right. But that's what I'm saying, though.

That's why this dude is threatened because he doesn't give a shit about his first kiss. His first kiss was years ago. Years ago. Yeah, you're right. This guy has definitely been laying pipe all over this. Totally, man. I would think so. He's getting him right off the boat.

He's 17 years of age. Come on. There's this weird scene between him and one of his friends that works in a boathouse or whatever is like, oh, he's like, oh, man, you got it, you got it made. This girl is one of those stupid island girls on vacation, you know, that you'll date around here. She's like, fucked up. She's got a pimp or whatever. He's like, you definitely go to go to fifth base, man. You're hitting a home run here, brother.

Yeah, gross. It's so stupid. And also at this point, she, like, says, I don't know to what effect. Oh, because, like, he's, like, too masculine for Ben, and Ben is now immasculated. She's like, oh, but he's dying. And he's like, what, I'm dying now? Oh, great. Yeah.

Oh, man. So there's this, like, pathetic scene where he's, like, pretending to be sick in bed. Yeah. Because, like, he's like, fuck you, Catherine Heingle. You said that Andre was sick, but I saw him riding a jet ski one-legged, which is a hilarious. That should be a gift somewhere. And she's like, one day he'll be. fine and the next day

he's sick so then they have to do this whole thing where he comes over and she's like see he's in bed or whatever and she's there's also some line like oh like how sick you're saying he's sick whatever and she's like you know what last night he fell asleep in the bathtub and almost drowned

you ain't fooling anyone that's guy he's sitting in the room that's my three room service oh man that's a sequel you want Uh, the weird thing is, um, if you were this kid, Ben, or whatever his name is, uh, you'd be like, are you guys like weird island grifters? Because you seem as if you're trying to do weird island grifting, which must happen all the time. I would think so. Yeah. What do you mean by island grifting? You know, you go to a resort, you talk yourself up, you pretend yourself. And then all of a sudden you're in like a Baccarat game. And then, you know, oh yeah. Whatever else happens. Yeah, you are so, but that's really dangerous though, man, being an island grifter. like an inexperienced one, like you get in too deep?

Yeah, of course. I feel like anytime you find yourself in a Baccarat game, it's like, I'm in too deep. If I'm sitting next to fucking James Bond and I'm just,

I've been like pathetically trying to lay game or something that's like, I'm in too deep. But in this situation, it's just Tobo. Yeah. Well, that's,

Tobo's got a stack of square chips. There needs to be more interaction with Tobo and these characters. No, because that wouldn't be creepy and like unsettling. Yeah, because he's like totally,

like he's good this movie and like that's a fun little dynamic they have you know what I mean like and that's what the quote unquote jokes are in this movie is right hey are you a child molester nope all right are you French yeah like that's the gag sort of there's like one part where they walk by

and like Tobo's like French guys yeah and I'm like what's their movie like what's they doing um I think you might have done an episode about this I think this is like just a free vacation or something because why would you know oh you want to Shoot a movie in the Bahamas.

Probably a lot like Strange Brew. What? With the McKenzie Brothers movie? Oh, that's what their movie. Yeah, that's what their movie would be, I think. Just drinking Canadian beer and thwarting Maxxon's sidehouse. Never saw that movie. It's fun.

It's okay. It's fine. So at this point, because they have to have, because there is no, I mean, there really should be some kind of a boating competition. or right well that's we we have to scale that back because this dude's getting too sexually threatened so she's like all right dad now you got to act like a fucking moron for the rest of this movie so like they go play tennis and he's got to just like hit the ball like a moron and they're trying to like windsurf and he keeps falling in the water doing belly flops is this at what point oh no then at some point she goes windsurfing by herself is what i was talking about this is this is so we can get to this sure this is like the sort of inciting incident or what a The climax of the movie question? Yeah, this is the climax. Inciting incident happens at the start. Oh, yeah.

I haven't read that Robert McKee book in a long time. Man, Brian Cox. Brian Cox could be another fat spy. And he turns on Ray Winstone. They're all there. They're in the middle. They're all in boats just picking fish out of the river. I love this tuna.

I think we should order octopus. whole octopus so yeah she goes out she goes wind surfing and she like gets tragically like caught on the rocks there and like

for some reason the boat won't start so the kid can't get out there and like Jordan was like I will save my own daughter I love how this is this is the only boat in all of the Bahamas that's just not working

well I think what's going on here and it's not really addressed is like this woman is baby cakes level crazy yeah I think she cut the breaks on the boat there. Oh, wow. Yeah, deleted scene. And she's like, I'm going to get myself in peril and so I'm going to save me.

And then, of course, because of all of this sexual tension, I'll get my first kiss. Baby cakes. So, yeah, so she falls off into the water. The boat's not working. So Gerard Dan Pardue, once again, man. He doesn't blink. He takes this shirt right off. He jumps in the water.

It doesn't even look around. No, fuck it. Rips this thing off. Cubeiwatch. theme and let's go. You thank God there's no slow motion in this movie. And so he starts swimming out there. He gets this hilarious leg cramp and starts drowning. Again, I

think that was Captain Hegel. She gave him like a Zeppoli before. She's like, oh, hey, eat this before I go out. I planted that Zeppily. Love a good Nalans dessert. He eats it.

He eats it all right. He starts fucking drowning. And then the boat works. Ben picks up Captain Hegel and she's like, oh my God, my daddy is drowning. My daddy is drowning. Daddy, hang on. And like, even in this, like, high-ted situation, Ben has to be like, Daddy.

Did she just, we'll figure this out. That's really, yeah. That's unsettling. And then they get the whale nets there and they pick them up. No, they do. They bring them around the sun travel back into the future.

No, but like on the beach, like bad it's the it's the she's all that moment sort of yeah but instead of like oh I thought instead of I'm bad it's like oh you weren't fucking your dad and I guess that makes me more angry at you I mean it's lying really but I'd be a bit relieved to be quite honest yeah but can you imagine you just spent

days listening to all this shit oh he rescued me from the streets oh he was working with the KGB this like he's just upset about the time that's wasted and I mean like they should never speak again like that's kind of It's like, okay, cool, you don't live here. I don't, I never have to interact with you ever again.

You're that creepy girl that lied to me, bye-bye. Instead, we have Gerard de Barreux, Serenot de Bergeracking with her, so she can, like, win him back. Well, the weird thing is, like, isn't the lesson to teach your daughter here? Like, it's not okay to lie. And now you, you know, it's, because it's not even like high stakes. It's not like they were engaged or anything. Like, again, they'll never see each other again. Well, you lose some.

That's what lying does. That's why you don't lie. And then you leave it alone. And then she like grows, but he's like, no, no, no, no,

let's lie better. Exactly. Again, they're a father-daughter con artist team because they are, they go outside of his bungalow and like Gerard de Burdue's hiding

and he's just telling her what to say. It's also stupid like, because he played Berserac in 1990s, so he's just referencing that whole. Yeah. And like, that just happened.

It was seriously not even half a decade. It came out on VHS, like late 91 in the U.S. Okay? Like, we're just getting over that. And to prove, oh, as a nation, we were getting over that in the Gulf War. To prove how fucking twisted this character is that Catherine Heigel's playing in this movie. So, like, the prior scene is like, Gerard de Perdue is trying to help her write this letter, apologizing this, that, and the other thing.

We go to the house, you know, he threw, that's the old worn gag of they're trying to, like, get his attention. and they throw a rock through his window, it breaks, this whole thing, right? So then, like, he's doing the Serenaud de Bergeracking with her, and he's, like, you know, so Ben is kind of warming up or whatever. And this is supposed to be, like, she's trying to redeem herself. This is not the other thing. There's a quick moment where she turns to Gerard Depardue, who's, like, hiding and doing this whole thing,

and she just goes, he's falling for it. Or, like, he's buying it or whatever it is. And I'm like, no, this is supposed to be the legitimate redemption, but you're a sociopath. There might be a suitcase full of French Franks we're unaware of. I mean, like, maybe that's a deleted scene. Maybe that's what this is all about. Oh, that could be.

Or that's something fat spies trying to give. Or no, that would be Frank Footers, actually. A suitcase full of hot dogs. Man, suitcase full of hot dogs. That's the name of my blues album. I was going to say, that's like a John Popper solo album. Oh, gross. I'm getting hungry.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Lunch is next. Whatever. I mean, then there's another dance. This is, you know, will I see you at the dance? He's like, I don't know if I'm going to go to the dance. Oh, you serenode bursaract me? Okay, I'll go to the dance.

Mm-hmm. And then... Just like this dance. The dance, by the way. Like, we're in high school. She's with the hunky Ben and Franny Potts found like a real estate mogul or something. Oh, no, the guy that revives Gerard de Pardu is a sexy Italian doll. that's right and he's recently divorced

so desperate Annie Potts is all over that shit it's so sad doesn't he just go back and we finally see Emma Thompson so yeah they they get together and he calls Emma Thompson's like he's been leaving these voicemails and you keep

looking long lovingly at her feet this fucking phone Bill man I can't get over it and he's just like oh would you please talk to me please please oh please and like the final one it's like you know I've learned a lot on this vacation from my daughter of all people, Nicole.

What did you learn from her? He says that. I learned from Nicole. She taught me better than anyone else. That it's creepy to be thought of as a child molester? I now know that horseshit is the most important. The most important. I think what he learned from her

is that I have an incredibly shitty child and I need to have another child with you to perhaps balance it out. I mean, she'll be in jail in less than 10 years. I need to have at least another kid to get over that eventual shock. Exactly. So Emma Thompson, you know, she puts some socks on

and she picks up the phone. Oh, man, Boner kills socks. Complete. And she's like, oh, you know, oh, you want to get married? That's great. And he's like, I'll have something else to tell you, too. I would like to have a child with you. And she's like,

oh, that's cool. And then the last line of the movie, he just goes, make sure it's a girl. Yes, no, thank you. He's making this phone call, by the way, while he's spying on his daughter making out on the beach with this dude. I'm sorry, there is one thing we have talking about the makeout scene. And it's fine. Like, you know, it's just a kiss scene. It's two kids.

Whatever, that's fine. I'm not seeing any tongue. But what you do see, and I notice this. Oh, sure. Yep. Whoa, whoa, whoa. There happens to be an updraft. Like, we're watching the fucking seven-year itch.

and her skirt goes up and you see her underwear and I'm like, are you effing kidding me? Because that's a wind machine, my friend. That is no happy accident. That is a wind machine strategically placed to do that. Listen, it was a wind machine in the seven-year itch and it's a fucking wind machine now, baby. There were greats right there, Steve.

Oh, yeah, the Bahamas subway system. It's a beach breeze. Yeah, it's a beach, it's a beach breeze, and it just so happens to do this while she's, it's like, multiple times. A perfect beach From Steve Miner

Yeah Ew Steve Miner Oh too bad that wind Couldn't blow off her shoes I don't know that Steve Miner As a foot fet He's got something All I'm gonna say is he's got something

I don't know And that's kind of the end of the movie But like yeah The is he like There's not This what the movie does doesn't have, and it needs it, because this poor bastard, this whole time, I feel terrible for Jared Dup by doing this movie.

Sure, yeah. And there's no rectification of, like, this whole resort thought I was a child molested. Like, the revenge that he gets is he goes up to, like, there's this old couple, played by Steve Miner's parents, by the way. Oh, nice. And, you know, he goes up, and he, like, talks shit to the dude in French, and then he goes up to Tobos table, and in French, he's like, if I, you know, if I ever go to Scranton, I'll let you know so I can avoid you.

I'm like, you're not even getting revenge because they don't speak French and they don't understand what's happening right now. Like Tobos like, Tobo's like, oh, you know, sexy, cool French language. Again, there's a stage right there. You have to bring your daughter on stage and be like, we have something to tell you. Okay, everyone's settled down.

Exactly. Before the next fucking talent show or Bahaman set starts up. Just quickly just clear the air. Look, I'm not molesting this girl. She's my daughter. She's sick. She's been lying this whole time. It's disgusting.

I'll get her help when we get back to New York. It's just a prank. It's just a prank, everyone. It's a mildly. So he leaves this resort and like dozens of people will go home and be like, can you, listen, we were on vacation last week in the Bahamas. This guy there was a pedophile. Could you believe that pedophile? And the, you know, the Bahamian police weren't doing anything about it.

This pedophiles is running around. This just makes French stereotypes harden. Yeah. I think those two obese men were spies. How much ground chuck you got in your suitcase? Is it more than the pickles I have in my pocket? There's a pickle in my pocket. No literally an actual pickle.

Oh, here it is. It's a spicy deal. I fill a whole gateway bottle with Russian dresser. Oh, Jesus. I've got to keep hydrated. I like my food a bit wet Good God That's a fat spy

It is a fat spy But like it just It sucks that there's no Revenge for this This poor guy He just gets dumped down He's got a fucking terrible haircut None of his clothes fit

He's just a clown To be fair He's gonna go home And marry a 1994 Amatops He's doing pretty okay I mean he wins in the long one But this reputation That he's gonna have around Scrant

He knows now to, I mean, when it comes to his first marriage and his first daughter, abandoned ship. Yep. Go on another ship. And hopefully that ship won't yield this. Oh, man. No water. I'll drink soup. Broth.

Broth is far as you I can see. Only beef broth. Actually, now I'm thinking about it, the, I think Emma Thompson's only with Gerard de Pardue as a long con to get. to get revenge on Helena Bonham Carter by having her sleep with Gerard de Pardue. It's like, oh, you want to bring up my marriage? All right, I'm going to marry Gerard de Pardu. Go ahead.

Oh, my goodness. Have it had it. Ah, just make sure it's a girl. And they're just having a big laugh and this little baby's getting tongue kissed on the beach with her ass hanging out. Yeah. God.

That's just the end of it. That's great. If you can't have a cartoon intro, how about a cartoon outro Sure Do me the fucking kindness Of a cartoon outro Will you please

Cartoon outro the wedding Why not They're all in attendance You got There's fat spies Like lurking in the corner The cartoon frame Like come on anything

Just giggling about You better make it a girl But a twist is It's Ben in the little girl's wedding Oh She becomes a child bride This comes Mrs. Ben. Ah, God.

This movie's disgusting. Would anybody recommend it? Uh, no. Uh, I think on a, on a scale of one. To vile. To vile. To blame it on Rio is what I was going to blame it. Oh, sure.

Uh, because this is kind of a cousin of Blame it on Rio. We're having weird, gross, sexy stuff. It's, it's like a five. It's very tame once you've seen Blameonon Rio when you think about it. That's a thing. Like, if you see this first and you're like, oh my. goodness and your bow tie's spinning then you watch Blame it on Rio where

like children are getting barked but I think that's like the nuclear bomb of child fucking movies this is still very bad yes because like but this movie it is just like there's air quotes here listeners cute misunderstanding

blame it on Rio is like you fuck my daughter I'll fuck your daughter and you're just like shut up Michael Kane you sex pervert No one's Here's the thing Nobody in my father

The hero is on their knees in front of a man And you see The moonlight Glisten off their braces Yeah Thanks anyway Blame it on Rio

You fucking perverts Uh But's a no A hard no Hard no It's a hard no Oh boy A wrecked no

Oh All right Mine's a soft No A soft but getting there No no No soft because I want nothing to do

with this. Sure, sure. This is I hate this. I saw this in the 90s. Okay. Oh, really? Yeah. I feel like this was big on HBO back in the way. I'm pretty sure I saw this with my mother. In theaters? No, no, on TV. Yeah. Your

eventual memoir should be called I saw this with my mother. Yeah, I just, I want to read that book. I'll get to work on it, but yeah, this is, I would never I never wanted to watch this again before this show. Yeah. And I never want to watch it again after this show. Yeah, I'm done.

I'm done. The redeeming part of this movie, man, Tobo and Ann, I want that movie. The Scranton vacationers. I think, and I think Departu quits himself well enough. I think that he holds to the screen. He is. I mean, he does have good comedic timing. Sure.

He's a great actor. Yeah. There's just way better movies that you can watch him in. Quite a lot of them, actually. That's actually an impressive thing that I was doing because I'm, you know, how can you possibly hold attention to this movie the entire time. You can look through his filmography man. In like 2016 alone

I think we're talking like ten projects. Oh really? He's busy as a bee. Are they like a bunch of like zombie Netflix projects or what we're talking? No, I mean there's some like actually he's Comedy. Wait wait, fat spy movies? Oh my God. There is. Why isn't that happening? He's

I got to check this out. I meant to look at it after the movie was over. There's some sort of like French like cop show that's on Netflix that he's a he's a part of Isn't he the He's a house of cards He's the Underwood

No French French house of cards Is Marseille and that's on Netflix Oh that it's that but He's Frank Underwood on that show Oh interesting It's not bad But yeah I mean he just

He works all the time But it's like it's anything from like that To like garbage cartoon movies Where he's just doing voices And then I think there's a law somewhere And in movie world that like every like six or seven years he's got to play a musketeer. I'm like

he's in life of pie for like what a minute. I never saw that movie. No, I never saw that movie. You couldn't fucking pay me to see it. I couldn't care less. Really? Yeah. Yeah. The tiger jumping over a rainbow or some shit. It's about a raft, right? A little raft that could. A boat. A little boat.

Oh, it's the boat story. Are you sure it's a boat? Are you sure it's a boat? I guess it is. Okay. All right. I thought it was a raft. It's not. It's not a raft. Twist. That's My Father the Hero directed by Steve Minor. If you want more We Hate Movies, check out WHMpodcast.com or find us over on the Headgum Network. Like us on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter.

We are at WHM Podcast and right into the mailbag. We all hate movies at gmail.com. Write and review the program wherever you get it. We would greatly appreciate it. Do not miss us March the 4th at the Bell House or April the 13th down at the punchline in Atlanta, Georgia. Coming up next week on the program. Eric. A little movie called Retroactive.

Now Retroactive, nobody will know what this is because who could possibly care. But who is returning to the show after a long absence? Jim Belushi. Oh, yeah. It's a Jim Belushi time travel movie. So if you can find this movie. He's kind of like The Terminator in this movie. So I recommend watching it if you can find it.

Yeah, find it in advance. It's from 97. Yeah. It won't cost you more than $2. we're shipping maybe but yeah so until next week where Jim Belushi travels through time like the Terminator I'm Andrew Jupin Steven Sadegh Chris Gavin Eric Siska take it easy