We Hate Movies - S7 Ep290: Episode 290 - Tango & Cash

Episode Date: February 28, 2017

On this week's episode, the gang has a long-overdue conversation about the ridiculous 1989 action comedy, Tango & Cash! Was Jack Palance wilder here or in Batman? What's with Brion James' horrendous accent? And why did that bartender have those drum sticks? PLUS: A fake Kurt Russell podcast that could turn into a real Kurt Russell podcast! Tango & Cash stars Kurt Russell, Sylvester Stallone, Jack Palance, Teri Hatcher, Brion James, and the great James Hong; directed by Andrey Konchalovskiy.Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

now on today's program a uh patreon patron select episode it's yeah that's right we'll get into it uh after the theme song but uh this is we hate movies i'm andrewing stephen say that chris cabman eric cisco and we hate movies Hello, everyone, welcome to the program. Thank you for tuning in, as always. Like we said, up top, this is Tango and Cash from 1989, sort of directed by Andrei Konshalovsky. We'll get to that in a second.

It takes a village to direct a movie, especially a fucking Tango and Cash movie. So, like we said, this was a Patreon patron select episode. Now, here's the thing. Back way back, way back in the month of September, you know, when we started this Patreon, we were like, you know, we'll have this like $50 tier. If someone subscribes to it for at least three months, they can request an episode. One person will do. One person will do it.

Maybe two people. Oh, two people. It's fine. Two people. We underestimated your enthusiasm severely. So we had to get rid of that tier because you'd be programming every show for the entire year. And, you know, we don't want that. It was just too complicated.

Yeah, we're not, you know what, we're a simple group of guys, but we are, simple brains. We thank the hell out of people, hey, on any level of Patreon, obviously, but we do think the hell out of people that paid this much, much money, which is just crazy. That's right. Especially our friend Lawrence, who did this, who wanted to hear us talk about Tango and Casual Lawrence, especially this one is for you. So everybody else, please turn the episode off. Yes, if this downloaded to your feed, that was a mistake. We were sending this privately to Lawrence. an email. I had some very long talks with Apple. They insured us. They blacklisted everyone's IP address except for Lawrence's.

So thank you, Lawrence. You're the only person that will hear this episode. But, you know, things get out on the internet. Yeah, they do. I heard leaks happen. Yeah, these dirty leakers. So if you're listening to this, this is an illegal leak. Fake news.

It's a fake episode. The leak was real. The podcast was fake. You know what? Lawrence spent all this money on Patreon and everyone got to hear it. It's not fair. So Tango and Cash, you guys, this is, it's Sly Stallone and Kurt Russell on the screen fucking finally. I feel like I would have nixed this if this wasn't, if Lawrence wasn't so generous.

Yeah. This is almost barely a movie. It's insane. Kind of crazy. How incompetent this movie is. What, like just what a couple of boobs making this movie, man. Well, you can definitely feel, I mean, we said, Andre Conchalovsky has his name on this thing. Yeah.

But you can definitely feel that there were five people on it at a different time. Is five the tally? I mean, so they had multiple directors for this movie. Well, one was, so went to, Stallone was the, like, overall director. Well, I feel that's the case with every silver. But I mean, every time you get on set with Sylvester's, you know, I do have an Oscar. Well, it's funny because I read on the Wikipedia Digest. Yeah.

Oh, right. that he, Andre Conchaloski, was actually like, fuck the producers, but Slice's pretty cool. Okay. Yeah, he had great things to say about Sylvester Stallone, which I feel I would too if I ever got to work with him. Well, maybe one day. Fingers crossed my screenplay for glass table, calling the movie is GreenLip by someone. This movie is like, you know, like when you try to execute someone and you tie four horses to all their limbs, and then a horse pulls each limb off, you know, all at once.

Yes, somehow they survive. Exactly. This movie is being pulled apart four ways. Yes. And then somehow there's still a movie on the table. You're pulling me apart, Lisa. My question is, did anyone get the cut?

Because I think there's a couple cuts in this movie. With the worst edit in history. It's where Kurt Russell is in... A botched circumcision? Yes. Wow, dude. That's a joke you would hear at the fucking friars club, which is under investigation

for fraud? Did you see that? What happened? Some sort of pyramid scheme or something. That sounds about right. No, but turns out these guys aren't friars. They were just wearing the hats. They have nothing to do with that religion. They're not brewing anything.

They're not writing in books. No. It's kind of a brewaha. It is a brouhaha. It's when Stallone and Kurt Russell are about to cut a deal with the DA and they're working it out in the investigation room. and Kurt Russell like kind of cash puts his legs up and it cuts like in the middle of that

it's crazy. It's like a ridiculous jump cut that just made it into the movie like I rented this on Amazon man that's the real deal. Yeah he just he's putting his legs up and then quick and then they're up there. Jesus you know I'm so glad that you brought this up because you know always full disclosure with me on this show I was sitting here a couple of tall glasses of water to the wind and I'm watching

and I was like oh man there was a jump cutter boy oh I was I thought I was seeing shit. No, it happened. I saw it happen. Don't tell me it didn't happen. Just yet, that's a real fucking flub. That's incredibly unprofessional. The room doesn't have that.

You want to talk with the room and the football scene and whatever else. There's no awkward jump cuts in that football scene. Ah, the football scene. That's a well-made movie. It is. The craftsman. So this movie is about two cops who are from opposite sides of L.A. and they do things differently

who hate each other who get framed by Jack Palance who will talk extensively about You have to And it's going to be all of it I think this was the year of Jack Palances It was

For reasons we'll get into So it continues to come sorry They get set up They go to prison They break out of prison And they take the guys down And it's so incompetence I mean that sounds like a cool kind of movie

Right like a buddy cop movie But they go to jail Sure This feels like a sequel by the way Right If you have like Tango Cash 3, the big house. And it would have to be three. It wouldn't be the two.

No, exactly. Because the two would just be more of the same of the first one. And the third one would be like, you know what, we got to get him out of L.A. What can we do? You know what, let's send him to prison. It's true. You don't bring in the sister until the third movie. Yes, exactly.

Yeah, it's like, oh, I got a sister now. Uh-oh, we got to go to New Orleans. We're going to get a group married, right? Group married. Find us up for a cult. Oh, oh, man. Tango and Cash 4, culting. Yeah.

Cult of personality. Also, dude, the supercar in this movie, that's also a sequel. That's like we've got to make it bigger and better. Maybe they have a fucking fun car now. That's the dumb gun from Beverly Hills Cop 3. Holy shit, you're totally right. You have to save it for the three. Or save it for the animated series.

Oh, yeah. Man, and speaking of Beverly Hills Cop, they rip off the score. Oh, I said this to my wife last night. It's like the bastard child of the Fletch theme and the Beverly Hills cop theme. I think it's the same guy. It probably is. It's the guy who wrote Axel F? Well, the guy who, yeah.

Harold Flattermeier. Oh, I don't know. You should know. Is he dead? Who cares? Mrs. Flattermeier. Welcome to a new episode of. Is he dead?

Yeah. You know what? That's a podcast I can host. figuring out who's dead you know what this movie starts with which you just laughing right away like before anything it's just good you hear stilone he's like okay let's do it and then the rap beat starts what are you fucking talking about drops a beat that's just alone dropped a beat he dropped it hot let's do it exactly it's so like one two three four five getting in my car and going for rad.

So I could put out a hip hop album. Mike check. Glass table. Mike check. Mike, Mike, check. Tango and cash number five.

By the way, he's, Harold Flattermeyer. Remember the internet tickers? Go across the board here. Yes, he did do Beverly Hillscault. I thought you're going to say, yes, he did die.

No, he did not die. Nice. He worked on the Martian. Oh, good movie. Fuck you. Was he nominated for an Oscar? What do I care?

Fair. Yes, he was. Welcome back to was he nominated for an Oscar. Best music for, funny enough. Tango and Cash. Beverly Hills Cop 2, and that's it. What? Was it a different?

Was it a Calypso cover of Axel F? What the fuck's the difference? It was called. He added like one extra note. Chris Gabel. Shut up. No. For the song, Shakedown.

Oh, I love Shakedown. No, you don't. I remember. I love, I've seen Beverly. Hill's Cop, too, more than I've seen. He was also nominated for a Golden Globe for not only that, but also Top Gun. Best Original Score. Did you have the cassette and you were like, Mom, can we go to Coconut's that I can listen to Shakedown?

I didn't know. No, I would just watch the movie and have, and like, rewind the part. Oh, for Shake Dan. Oh, we get to fucking wearing out the tape, huh? Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, shake down. You know, that sounds right. I don't know if that's right But that sounds right

It's amazing though Because that's so funny Is it confirmed that it's the same guy Who did tango cash? I mean that's amazing Because like this dude was running on empty Yeah By the way think of all the tweets I saved

Yeah that's it you know what You're doing the Lord's word Jumping on the tweak grenade So the guy who did Tango and Cash did Beverly Hills cop Yeah Mr. Harold Flattermeyer Yeah I'm right Don't flattermire yourself for remember

It makes complete sense Because it sounds exactly like it It really does So we open on Robert Zadar's face. Which, when you see that, it takes forever to get on. It's like, it's like focusing on a Star Destroy. It's like a Star Wars movie. It's just panning down.

Like, wait, what is that? Oh, whoa, it's a ship. Oh, wait, it's a face. It's so, it's got ins and outs. A lot of what have you. Yeah, I mean, RIP, Robert Zadar, he was great. I forgot he's dead. See, that would have been a great episode of Is He Dead.

I'll tell you who got fucking. Zadar is Zadar. is Zedaz. He wasn't at the Oscars. No. Why weren't we talking about Robert Zadar? Why didn't we stop the show and talk about Robert Zadar? Because I don't think he was technically even in the Academy, probably. He was an actor who appeared in movies such as this one.

Yes. He was the titular maniac. This might be his biggest movie. Like, yeah, I think if they had Led Stallone on the premises that that year, I think he might have like Bill Murray Harold Ramest did. Oh, nice. Like in the middle of the thing like And by the way, Robert Zedar

was just a class act. I fucking teared up when Bill Murray did that at the Oscars last year. Ooh. I forgot already. What did he do? He like, he was coming out to do something,

talking about comedy or some shit. But he's just like, Oh, Harold Ramis. He slipped into Harold Ramos Rath. I just want to say specifically that Robert Zedar was not entirely a maniac cop.

He was actually a great dad and a wonderful man to know. He was a good. Cop. What? It was a fantastic cut of made beautiful

glass tables on his off time. I bought many of them myself. Zadar is driving a truck and Stallone is on some

desert highway or something. Yeah, we're in the California desert and we're chasing after this truck and it's like

it's Stallone who is tango. Uh-huh. The titular Tango. By the way, these names are stupid. Of course.

Of course they're. Ray Tango. What the, what is, what is, what is that? That's a dude, that's a dude who grew up in, like, a town in Nevada that's not Vegas, but they also, like, think they've got cool casinos. That's where Ray Tango is. That's the name of the worst cocktail you've ever had. Oh, man.

The Ray Tango. Get me a Ray Tango rocks. You know, gin and foot sweat. That's when you have your wife send your out of office email because you had too many Ray Tangoes last. I kidding. I can't look at the screen right now. Hey, Linda, call out of work for me.

I heard so many Ray tangos last night. I'm shit and blood. But the funny thing is, it might also be an Ellis Island chop job. It could have been Ray Tangaloski or something. Oh, that's true. Yeah. Or Tangoneorelli kind of a thing. Oh, yeah.

They cut that Norelli right off. You got to put that Norelli back on if you want it. It's like a name circumcision. nip the tip a little bit there apparently this was ripped off or borrowed from a Jackie Chan movie Oh this stunt

Police story Which is a great movie And like it was like O'STalone Asked him to do it I don't think he did I think he was like hey Jackie You ever want to make it to Hollywood I'm doing this

Yeah you can buy a great bit You can buy a ticket You know what Andre I just sold one You know what's sad Do you guys notice there was a film that came out last year starring one of the world's

greatest action stars Jackie Chan and Johnny Knoxville. Oh no. Wait, no, I didn't hear anything about this. This sounds fake. It's a movie that I almost watched like four times and changed my mind. I forget what it's called like Slipstream

or some shit. Bad Grandpa? No, not bad grandpa. I don't know. It's like when something, something happens and Johnny Knoxville's got to team up with a Hong Kong detective. Once a year, Jackie Chan movie will get released in America. Well, the thing is, Jackie Chan hasn't died on screen yet, so he wants to finish. You know what I mean?

Like, he's like, I don't want to die doing this stuff. Like, I think that's his goal. And he's been around forever, too. Of course. He was in a cannibal run or something. Yeah, I mean, he's been around. He's been making a movie since the 7th? Didn't he play the tramp?

Did I make that up? Did he, wait, did he pick up a tramp? No, was he in city lights or no. Jackie Chan, he falls in love with that blind woman? Yeah, yeah. It's a great movie. He's excellent. Played Hitler in that other one?

Man, Jackie Chan Remig's the Great Dictator Who can forget Jackie Chan's first talking But no, so, you know, whatever He takes down Roberts Adar We get a berugged Jeffrey Lewis As a put upon police captain Who I love in anything

Yeah, I love him He was great, speaking of dead He's dead too? He's dead, man, he died in 2015 There should be an action movie Academy Awards Where we celebrate these people, all right? And they, that's where We talk about Robert Zadar and Jeffrey Lewis.

Uh-huh. Hey, Spike TV, are you listening? Oh, wait, you're no longer Spike TV anymore. Oh, what is it now? No, no, I'm just being that. Oh, it's hard to keep up. My heart skipped a beat. Boner Bros. Productions.

That's the new Spike TV. Yeah, oh, the thing that's ridiculous about this stunt, though. So, like, Stallone basically, like, stands in front of this truck that's barreling down on them and he's firing wildly at the windshield and Zadar's like somehow dodging these bullets maybe they're bouncing off his chin I don't know yeah they come to us how do you miss

that face? I know exactly how is he not getting shot the face I think the chin is just absorbing the bullets and it's not a shot I love that face it's a great face this dude you know he was an ass kick in his time but so he jams on these brakes which like you know except for Steve

who has never had a driver's license the rest of us we don't have a driver's license You know this. I knew that at one point, I'm sure. Yeah, I know. Well, why would he have had reason to change that status since the last time you knew that? I don't know. Anyway, I'm only 33, all right?

I've got a lot of figuring out. A lot of living to do, still. Yeah, exactly. We've all jammed on the break before, right? And you don't go through the windshield. Can we make a coming of age indie movie about Steve getting his ravers? Oh, sure. That sounds great, actually.

Yeah. But these two dudes, not only do they fly through the windshield, which is ridiculous, But like the police department shows up and these California State Troopers or whatever and they're like, come on scumbags, let's go. And they're like roughing these dudes up and like Zadar's just getting up like, oh boy, what happened?

What happened was you and your buddy just went through the windshield, man? Also, your spine is disconnected from your body. Totally. Do you want this fucking pelvis I picked up off the road? No, what happens is they stand up and they're like, oh, what happened?

And they look down and they see their bodies. It's like Billet's bogus journey. Exactly. And they have to play like Robert Zadar arm wrestling the Reaper, which I love this idea. Both of them would collaborate on Reaper rap, and Stallone would guest on the track. Yes, he would drop a verse. Man, the Reaper rap. Someone should have went to jail for that.

We already discussed that on a previous episode. Bill and Ted's. Where else is there a Reaper? I don't know, the Seventh Seal? Possibly Last Action Hero. The Reaper in Seven Seal is not rapping. Well, he transcends time. Ian McKellen might do it in Last Action Hero.

I don't know. It's been a while. That's true. This movie kind of wants to be Last Action Hero. Like, it doesn't know if it is or it isn't. Like, this movie is almost a like pastiche of buddy cop movies, but it also turns into the skid too much. Because, I mean, because we're really, really trying to make this movie funny. Yeah. We're so trying to make it funny.

But the problem is a lot of that comedy is filtering through Sylvester's alone. And also that Rambo reference, Jesus. That's in the first. Rambo is a pussy. It is a izzy. Come on with these D-O-A jokes, man. And he's like the buttoned-up one, so he's playing against type by being a cop. By being the world's best cop.

But that's what doesn't make any sense. He's the straight-laced, well-dressed. He's wearing big horn-rimmed glasses. So he's like the straight guy. Yeah. But he's cracking way more jokes than Kurt Russell. Kurt Russell's just playing the traditional Kurt Russell, greasy, be-mulleted scumbag. It's like, it's the same character from Big Trouble and Little China.

This could be a spin-off. You mean Jack Burton. Yes. They should have swapped these roles. Yes. Because in Big Trouble in Little China, Kurt Russell was so funny as that when he was playing the button down like a dude, going to the strip club. Yes. That's kind of what you want.

It would have been funny. Because Kurt Russell is in the 80s, what he did was he put his feet up. on tables. Like, that's what his role was. And I loved him for it. He was fucking great at that. And I mean, he's great. Now he's a great actor. He's a national treasure. He is an absolute national. fucking love Kurt Russell. Don't you, don't you fucking talk bad about him. I'm not. He, you know, and he can do buttoned down. He did a executive decision with Seagall. Oh, I forgot. He's wearing glasses in that. He did button his shirt in that one. He did. And I don't know if his feet touch any tables. I'm not sure. God, but you just like

that life. Hey, Kurt, you want to put your feet up on that glass table? That, that life. That life, greasy brown hair. Oh, yeah. You're cracking an ice cold beer. You're wearing tight jeans and cowboy boots that are both stylish and super comfortable. You put your feet up on a nicely polished Sylvester Stallone custom design glass table. And you make a quick wisecracker too. This was the existence of Kurt Russell for the entire decade known as the 80s.

And one addendum to that is you always had a Murphy bed in your house. No matter what, you were in a one-bedroom apartment, that it was like a living room, and it's like, oh, where's his bed? Oh, it's a Murphy bed, of course. And usually you could open it just by kicking the wall. Yeah, because you know why? You were cool as fuck. Because Kurt Russell rules.

I love it. Welcome back to our new podcast. Kurt Russell rules. Oh, dude, should just be called Russell Rules? Well, we're taking phone calls. Unless you said Kurt Russell rules, you were off the podcast. Hang up on him. Hang up on him.

Hang up on him. He's the weekly part of the show where we read off the Russell rules. And rule number one is that you never comb your hair. You never do? You don't fucking have to because you're so goddamn cool, your hair combs itself. That's Kurt Russell. This is the one podcast where ladies could DM us on Twitter. We actively encourage that.

That's right. Hey, ladies out there, tell us how much you like the movie Breakdown. I mean, J.T. Walsh. Kurt Russell, obviously. Number two, no light beer. Guaranteed, man. Lager or bust. And I will be at a bar,

the bar on 34th in Maine. If anyone wants to meet me there for a drink, I'm incredibly lonely. Kurt Russell rules! I'll be there talking about Kurt Russell. So show up. Sometimes I can't see through the tears. I will be at Mangonelli's Italian restaurant

this Thursday hosting a trivia night. And that's right. Every category is about Kurt Russell. movies and Kurt Russell's personal life, which includes a fictitious category about me and Kurt Russell being best friends. And then on Wednesday night, I'll be at the Chinese restaurant

on Main Street talking, well, actually I'm hosting a trivia night. We're talking Kurt Russell, Kurt Russell trivia. The first in the city gang. But please do not tell Mangonelli's about the Chinese restaurant, and please don't tell the Chinese restaurant

about Mangonellis. I do not want that mixed up. Because really, it's the The truth is, I'm just using the same questions for both restaurants. And at Maldun's, I'm doing a ladies' night, and it's all Goldie Hawn questions. They have the best relationship in Hollywood. It is the ideal. It is the Hollywood ideal. Their relationship is what I strive for in my personal life.

Welcome back to Russell Rules. I am single. Today we will be talking about miracle. Dude, I... Nothing but miracle. Paul, like a baby. Every time I see Kurt Russell, it's another miracle from heaven. Man, that movie makes me fucking cry.

And it's Kurt Russell that does it. Of course, he's great. We're having fun, but we love Kurt. Fantastic. You know, it's not fantastic. That was fucking tango and cash. So he goes back to exactly the apartment Andrew described. He's complete with Steve's Murphy bed.

And there's like bills all over or whatever else is going on. Oh, yeah. He's a guy who doesn't care for handling paperwork. The whole fucking thing. Is there a sex doll? No, there's not. Of course not. And he runs a... Kurt Russell would never need a sex doll?

Yeah, that's... Next question. He rang up on him. Number three. Number three on the list. Never pay for it. Well, caller, it sounds like your phone's having a breakdown. What other movie names can I say to hang up on bozos?

Hey, caller. It sounds like your phone's having a Poseidon because you're drowning on the air. Oh, a caller? Nice. Yeah, I know. So you don't think that's a great? Kurt Russell movie, how well? You just got yourself a bone, Tom, a hawk.

It's a chunk hung up on. Tom, there's no callers. No one listens to this podcast. But why does he have a producer who's talking to him from the engineering point? It's all in his head. It's like fucking the king of comedy. Oh, even better. Even better.

He's in a basement. He's playing what he would do if he had a film. Oh, man. That's a fucking great idea for some. Something. Oh, yeah. Short story or otherwise. The shorter, the better.

He runs a foul of an Asian assassin. Oh, sure. In one of the various cuts of this movie, apparently he's fighting this guy and he says, man, I hate you karate guys. And it's like, he, he sure does. Also, when he gets home and it's after a long day of policing, speaking of the score, he has like the light, like, it sounds like this dude. this friend of ours who scored this movie

who is alive still was like ripping off baby elephant walk. Like Kurt Russell gets into this disgusting apartment. It's like Burr-B-da-B-B-Brand- Yeah. And Kurt Russell's like, open a beer. Because he's just a fool, isn't he?

Isn't he just a jolly fool? He has the jolly fool's scoring. It's so annoying. Because he's having a good time, man. Just fucking go with it. Just before he gets shot in the chest He gets blown away by this guy But that God, he has... Blown away, isn't that a Kurt Russell movie?

No, that's Tommy Lee Jones. Oh, Tommy Lee Jones and Jeff Bridges, excuse me. He's got backdraft. Hang up on him. But he's got bazooka boots. Oh, my God, he totally does. And he shoots at this guy.

It's like a little missile. Is he fucking Symax? No, I think he's more taxi driver. Oh, my God. Kurt Russell would have made a great striker. I think Stryker is. modeled off of Kurt Russell.

Yeah, I think you're right. We're going to be taking calls about how good Kurt Russell would be a striker. This is the beginning of the week. We talk about nothing but dark blue. Oh, man, that's a bad movie. All right, what video game movie

do you think Kurt Russell could do? Yeah, definitely solid snake. We talked about that for three hours last week. We can go back into it. Press, press three, if you think, battle toads. Maybe one of the contras. Dude, that's a fucking great idea.

I'm not even shit. Here's an idea. Here's an idea, dude. He's both of the contras and it's a fucking dual screen like Army Hammer and social network. Yes, dude. You get Kurt Russell in blue pants and Kurt Russell and red pants. Both with bandanas.

What a double Russell. What I love about this is I'm not sure if the audience could hear from our high horse is we're talking about what if our show was just only slightly different. Wouldn't that be ridiculous? You know what? No, hang up on the... He would be awful as Booger man. Booger!

That game sucks. It was awful. The 90s were kind of a terrible time for video games. Halfway decent earthworm gym. Oh, absolutely. Now, are we talking like he's got a bunch of prosthetics on it? This is like voicing a CGI character. Oh, God, not a prosthetic girl.

That's disgusting. You imagine, though? That's what I'm saying. How horrible. David Cronin Berger. I'm going to tell you exactly what it is. It's going to be a prosthetic, but it's just going to be like they're going to make his

mullet flesh colored. Oh, yeah. That's it, dude. Oh, it's like Dennis Hopper and Mario Brothers. Yeah. You know how good that movie was. So you get to, I mean, like he takes down this assassin. They go to a whatever, they go to a warehouse.

The action isn't great in this movie. I'll be honest with you. No, I mean, this is, we, like he chases after this dude because this dude shoots Kurt Russell out of a window and he does have rocket boots which is so I didn't even think I knew what I was watching because we don't get into the James Bond part of this until

like an hour and a half in and I'm like wait what where then it's too late for surprise I thought he just had a leg gun that he pulled out no but apparently you're right that he does have rocket boots or whatever missile boots Syrax boots well because apparently the LAPD has this whole

branch of like advanced whip whatever man so they eventually they they Kurt Russell pursues this guy in a parking garage yes this is very important he's this dude's driving it like a a bronco I think I should White Ford Bronco

he's going a little faster than OJ did and this is just an excuse to someone oh wait what oh this people neck and back seats all the time so all the time so this couple's been fucking in the backseat just fucking in this parking garage it was 1989 Eric

Where were they supposed to go? You needed the boobies in the movies. Yes. And this is your one, this is the one shot in the whole running time of your boobies in the movies. But you know what though?

Welcome back to boobies in the movies. A podcast, no one wants to listen to. Actually, unfortunately, a lot of people. We are on the Mr. Skin Network. But the thing about it is, like, if this movie hit credits, I wouldn't be like, where was her boobers?

Yes. Because I'm watching fucking, tango and cash like come on but you got you got you got your shot there it is but it's also like she looks up at the destruction going on in the parking garage and you see them and it's played for a joke yes you know it's kind of like you know it reminds me of the unnecessary nudity in the first diehard movie when the terrorists like break into the office and the couples like fucking at the christmas party and the woman runs out and she's topless for like no reason or demolition man where was the pointless nudity there oh the phone call oh hi martin oh my god

Oh, right. See our episode like three weeks ago when we talked to a demolition? This is all just for that, so people rewind the tape enough and it breaks and they have to buy another one. I think that's something in Stallone's contract. What's the movie called? Is it a triangle and cash? Oh, maybe. Throw me a nip, slide.

Throw me a nip. If just one, that's all I need. If you want to be on Cinemax, you need to. You need to have the boobies in the movie. Movies. Unsubstantiated claim here. Because we've never, we've never seen Martin Cinemax. We know that's a nom de plume.

Right. Yeah. Maybe he's Steve Bannon, possibly. Oh, sure. Because that dude did work in the entertainment industry for quite some time. And that dude looks disgusting. Also, two things that we know for a fact. But you know what Bannon's missing, though?

What I believe Martin Cinemax would have is a mustache. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yes. Well, I don't know what he looked like back in the day. That's actually true. Launch him the Cinemax. The devil takes many forms, Eric.

That's right. I mean, he does have the bloated, rosy, disgusting, pus-spewing, alcoholic face. Yeah, it's like Jabba-Doo Hut. Yeah, that Martin Cinemax would have. So if Steve Bannon grew a mustache, bang, bang, boom, you got yourself a fake character. Just put that out in for worse. I'm just saying it's possible. Also, I think his tongue would have to be about just a little thicker.

And bifuricated. How many times? Let me get this straight. cabin, you have examined Steve Bannon's tongue. I felt it, giving it a good feel. In this scene, so Jeffrey Lewis is Tango's captain.

Anyone notice who Cash's captain was? Mr. Brown. Noted criminal. Mr. Blue, Eddie Bunker. Brown is Tarantino. Oh, Brown is Tarantino. You're right. What do you mean noted criminal Eddie Bunker? What's that about? He's a Danny Trejo type. He was like he went to jail. Really? He wrote the book and

movie Animal Farm or Animal Animal Farm was indeed George Orwell. He was also a Danny Tray. Oh, Animal Factory. Animal Factory. Oh. Yeah, he's Animal Factory.

It's a movie where Edward Furlong goes to prison. I think Willem Dafoe is like his father figure. I mean, like that's Eddie. I mean, like, how many dicks is that? I used to like her early stuff, you know, borderline. That you got into that feature face. You know what?

You rewatch that movie? That's a frustrating conversation to fucking listen to. Well, the funny thing is it's almost like listening to a podcast. Eddie Bunkers RIP by the way But I went in the bunker Yeah I'd be tuning in When did he die

Like mid 2000 maybe Man there's so many people We got to visit You better believe he fucking got Farine it I bet That's why we need The Action Academy Awards Eddie Bunker would be there

Yeah put all those scumbags Over on the Spike TV award show The Sling TV award show Oh man No one would How much time you would want five hours seven hours you know what we got nothing to program we'll give it to you this is sling tv this would just turn into them showing the movies and interstitially have a guy going like yeah

that guy died dude that's pretty great huh wait that's a fucking great thing it's just us doing commentaries over tv broadcasts and it's like pop-up video but it's just like yeah he's dead bloop he's dead bloop pop up action pop up video yeah I tune in to listen to myself to me but there's not enough Eddie Bunker in this movie he's like got glasses and he looks scummy

as Eddie Bunger did well here's the thing and this is the mistake I believe they make with Danny Trejo is less is more yeah Eddie Bunker which I just keep thinking Archie Bunker is weird Eddie Bunker you know noted criminal apparently

not so much noted actor kind of don't tell that to the action awards well Eddie Bunker himself is dad he walked next to Harvey Kitell in a movie in that guy's an action slow motion yes what happens to

Mr. Blue that's it's you don't know he gets I think he crashes a car and dies or something that's Brown that's Tarantino yeah man we're mixing our blues in the room somebody saw Reservoir Dogs a lot in the 1990s by himself Steve also had a lot of

Reservoir dogs posters In our college dorm Of course why not It's college that's where you put those posters You get that one You get the John Belushi one You get a couple of Bob Marley's up Yeah and then you just

You're single for a very long time Hang up on them Yeah guaranteed So Kurt Russell's trying to get to the bottom of this So what he decides to do Is interrogate this fella in the bathroom. Here's the thing about this police station bathroom.

You ever see a bathroom where there's like a table and chairs set up? I thought this was an interrogation room. I didn't get bathroom. I totally thought that... The dude is literally going to the bathroom. The guy takes a piss and there are lockers. This might be a laundry room. No, I thought it was like one of those Star Trek things

where two rooms like meld together at once. How is that a Star Trek? This is Star Trek, yes. I actually, you know, I'm glad you mentioned Star Trek because if you You, if Picard goes into the holodeck, it is holodex, action movie, please, Tango and Cash happens. It's Picard in Tango and Cash, because that's how, like, generic this is. I would love that. Yes.

Look, it's Tango Cash and J. Picard. J. L. Picard. Is that Jack Palance? Oh, my favorite of all the 20th century actors, Mr. Data. Time has not been kind to you. Oh, man. You know what was cool when Jack Palin's won that Academy Award

for City Slickers and he did one-armed push-ups? That is a lifelong character actor getting his due and making the most of his time. And the whole country wept at it. Everybody watched. And you know, one of the dumbest things you'll hear on a podcast, which I hear a lot,

is like, and you've got to remember at this point, this is like pre- YouTube. Like, people will talk about say that on podcast? People will say that like a movie in the 80s, like yeah. And like, if that happen now people will be like oh that's on YouTube you know it's like whatever man something happened on television people watched it people react to hang up on them on this on this podcast we only say pre 9-11 yeah that's actually that's the benchmark yeah but yeah that was also before YouTube turns out 9-11 was before that would have been great on YouTube so he

interrogates him in a bathroom I guess and he goes to a warehouse and apparently we cut to Jack Palance yes and he's your classic I mean like he is the bad guy from McBain. You know what I mean? From the Simpsons of Bain. He's got a wall of televisions, obviously. That wall of televisions is awesome. He's also doing like video chats with people.

Skype calls on the TV. It's one of the technology. It's one of the fake movie versions of that though, where it's Jack Palance just jawn at a bunch of tube TVs. There's no camera in sight. He's yelling at James Hong for most of this movie. It's James Hong and some other guy. Is this third guy anybody?

No. Because otherwise, he's just rando Italian guy. But this has got such a great cast mentioning James Hong and also Brian James, who I love, who is bad in this movie. Also, also would be on the Action Academy Award. Is James Hong dead? Brian James. I think James Hong's still alive.

Oh, God, I hope so. I'm going to the Tribune. I'm going to talk. Brian James would be the Oscar. Like, just get a little golden. Brian James. Yes, you're right. Would there be a ponytail or would not?

There would have to be a pony. There has to be a pony. That's what differentiates is from the Oscar. That's what I remember about Brian James. Just put a ponytail on Oscar. I got four Bryans last year for Expendables three. No, thank God James Hong is still alive at the young age of 87. And if you're listening to this in the future, he's dead.

Please don't tweet at us that, oh my God, he died and you said at one point he was alive because sometimes people are alive and then they die. Oh, right. Yeah, I heard. Yeah, I heard that. A lot of people like to bring up that some people die. This is what's crazy. It's like, you'll see a thing, someone talking at us on the internet. And they're like, you know, do you guys know it's weird? Do you feel weird? You made that Paul Walker joke? And I'm like, you know, the show's been on the air for seven years? Hang up on them. Yeah, you know, a lot of people can die in seven years. Oh, it's fine. Thank you for listening. Also, here's a weird thing. just looking at the great James Hong's IMDB page in development,

untitled James Hong film. What? Starring James Hong. Oh, shit. Is he directed that film? Dude, apparently written and directed by James Hong. Oh, fuck. Please.

Please make this movie. Is it a being John Malcovich, but it's being James Hong? I would go see that. Fucking Cartwright. Mm-hmm. Four. He's amazing. I love him.

So, yeah, Palance, it's about Coke, right? Well, he also, he's like, it's always about it. It's a lot. It's Coke money. Because the gas, the big truck, the gas taker that Zadar was driving was full of cocaine, and it's a big cocaine plot. And they drove, the guy who owned it drove right past the crime. Yeah, of course he did. Oh, right.

Oh, right. We are introduced to him in the first scene of this movie. The police department is there. This truck, Stallone has fired into this truck. Cocaine is falling out of it. And this limousine drive in the middle of the. The desert, a limousine drive is done. Half of the county sheriffs are there.

Just hanging out. I think Pallace has the window rolled down. Oh, damn it. Oh, look at that. Tango fucking with me again. I hope that any of these cops don't talk to us. It's insane. We have no reason to be in the desert, a limo in the middle of a desert.

Why also? Not suspicious at all. That was my number one coat. if you are hiring Robert Zedar and other guys to drive this Coke truck Don't you trust it? What the fuck are you doing? Stay at home.

Stay at home. You are the crime boss. Well, you stay at the hideout. I'm training them. This was their trial run. First day. I'm going to shadow you. Make sure that you do your job.

The way you are, do a Jack Palin says you have to pretend that you have to take a shit and it's taken so long you're afraid it might not come out quite so soon one false move set the whole thing ablaze

it's just get a turtle head hole I've been standing outside this Starbucks restroom Is anyone inside there Do you have the key? Have you checked the handle? I think he might be

sleeping in there. You look like the manager. Could you just get in there, please? Man, to have the look of a Starbucks manager, I don't even know what that means. I think this coffee is working. You're going to want to get that door. Oh, Susanna.

I mean, I guess now that we're in full balance here, I can talk about the fact that this was a matter. year for Jack Pallens because he played the same character in Batman. He did the exact thing. He's just doing the same thing. He's more grounded in Batman. I'm sorry. His character makes more sense.

He had one director, not 70. Yes. He's a mob boss. You know what I mean? And he's got a girl. He's like, is that you sugar bobs? Which is my favorite or whatever he says. But like it's weird. Like in this they're like, oh, we should just shoot tango and cash in the head and be done. It's like,

Oh, no, the great game begins. It's like, what are you talking about? Tango and cash. He pulls out a mouse. Oh, I don't understand what he's doing. He pulls out two mice, by the way. Two mice? He's like, followed with a thing of cream.

First mice, gives up some drowns. Second mice, well, he struggles so much. He turns that cream into butter. So, well, let me. get this straight. You want a bar with a rat maze built into it. So the

first mouse represents cash. Hey, look, it's cash. And then the second mouse represents tango. And he puts them both into a maze. And he's like, and that maze is jail. And the rats don't move. But they don't.

They don't. Good job, rat. If all goes according to plan. and Tango and Cash will stay in that corner. That's so stupid. What he says is like, look, you know, these guys, Tango's messing up my operations on the west side. Right. Cash is messing up my operations on the east side. I'm losing all this money.

And he goes through, like, I'm losing money on gambling, cocaine, and other enterprises. He does mention guns. He does say guns. And he says, what's the thing he's like, you know, collectively they've cost me about $400 million. at the time being exactly $10 billion. I mean, yeah, we're talking 1989 money, but also it's amazing because as over the top as this character is, this performance is, I got to tell you, for losing $400 million, this dude's pretty level-headed about it. Well, yeah, of course. I mean, he's got enough money to make Matt rat mazes in the middle of his, or own a wall of TV. Well, that's because you can tell that somebody had read the script and said, you can tell somebody had said, I can't.

in this scene you have to have something think visually idiot who wrote this and they made a fucking rat maze in his bar it's just it doesn't make any fucking sense it looks like you gotta make him like a ratman like like you're just obsessed with rats oh a rat king if you will yeah well he does like also he later he starts making out with a mouse a little bit he does oh i must have missed that yeah that was something and then he has someone lowered into his anus so but james hotish James Hong and this other guy represent other mobsters. And he's like, all right, well, why don't we just kill them? He's like, no, no, no. We'll put them in jail. We'll discredit them. And it's like, oh, okay. Or we could just should.

If we can get them to where we want to get them, let's shoot them in the head. We have people that will drown them. He's like, oh, that would cause a war with the police, which you kind of are at any way if you're a crime boss. What are you talking about? None of this makes any sense. also why doesn't James Hong who's an accomplished criminal himself with the character anyway

I don't know about James Hong's personal life maybe he's also an accomplished criminal I don't know Eddie Bunker is an accomplished criminal RIP maybe he's a Danny Trejo not RIP you know but like why doesn't James Hong's be like all right you know what cartwright this is fucking stupid I'm gonna kill him

yeah I'm gonna take it upon myself because you know presumably I also have an army of hit men yes you know I'm gonna just do this because you're crazy and giving me this rat demonstrations. Which does nothing, by the way. It makes no sense. I'm wasting my time on this 1989 video conference call. Wait, wait, wait, wait. You also want carpeting under this? Well, it's 1989. It's not going to carpet itself. Well, I mean, the client's always right.

I guess. Wall to wall. So, whatever. They set up Tango and Cash. Brian James is is the Asian hitman says Hey, there's a deal going on at this location Some address he gives blah blah blah Tangs gets there too There's a dead informant tied to a chair It's an undercover FBI age That's what we find out because Papa Arquette shows up

Oh right And what's that Louis Arquette? Lewis Arquette is correct Yeah Ding ding ding ding he arrests them both Because they're caught you know Oh my God did they killed this guy And then they're like

There's this perfect taste that they, that the guy was wearing a wire. Right. And there's this amazing tape. There's some fat guy in a car who made a tape. No, the tape is made by Brian James. No, no, no. Michael Jeter.

Michael Jeter. Yeah. Is the audio technician who makes the tape. Oh, yes, of course. But it's just, it's one of those things where it's like, it's like the edited footage in that episode of The Simpsons with the gummy Venus de Milo. Yes. You know, Mr. Simpson, no!

like it's just like it's supposed to be tango and cash talking about like they're threatening this man and then they murder him i'm going to shoot shoot you yeah exactly and it's like it's kind of clear that that's what's going on but like so they're framed whatever they're on trial and so they have audio file expert michael jeter by the way speaking of uh cartwright oh yeah lawyer for them is mr lipton litman litman yeah from pendant publishing and top of the The Muffin to you. Yeah, so they have this trial. It's kind of a Mickey Mouse thing. They're getting really sent up the river here. But yeah, so Michael Jeter's this audio expert. And he's like, yeah, that tape's legit. And I'm like, did you listen to that?

Hey, hey, Judge, did you listen to that poorly made tape? No, no, he said it was good. It's good. So the evidence looks bad and they take a deal, right? And they're cops and they kill somebody. So the deal is they get to get off. I mean, the fact that they're on trial at all is quite amazing. Pretty something.

Well, yeah, it was 1989, man. This was a different time. Oh, right, yeah. They should have just, I don't know why they pressed charges. They should have been able to walk away laughing. Yeah, but so they go, they take a deal for 18 months for voluntary manslaughter. A year and a half. If you believe what this tape is saying is they kill this guy in cold blood for drug money.

And the deal is 18 months. Shit, man, I'm going to start killing people. Yeah, for drug money. And the whole thing too is they specify. They're like, all right, man, like, we'll do this. We'll do the time in a minute. security, you know, they make the joke like, you club fed, whatever kind of thing. And they're not too upset about it.

I was like, oh, can we get this over with, please? Yeah, it's a real like this could be worse situation. You know why I was thinking I was going to start trying to go through this Stephen King's novels. And the library here is stacked. So I get a lot of reading done in jail. You do get some prime Kurt Russell, cursing in this scene where he calls it

fucking bullshit like the way he does it oh man you can't even touch it this you hear this it's like your dad's yelling at you it's fucking great like I

put the remote down this show I can't I can't curse like Kurt Russell I put the remote control down on like just instinctively oh I'm in trouble yeah it's it's great

yeah because the whole thing is like the joke again because we're just so attempting comedy in this movie is like Stallone gets up he gives this like very eloquent you know

I believe in the police department I'm the very best everyone here is a hero kind of a thing and then they're like you know oh hey Cash do you have anything to say and he's like yeah I do and they're like no sit down and he's a fucking bullshit

and it just starts he starts railing him calm down cash but then what's hilarious is like all the cops that are like in the audience of the court are like you know cheering like it's uh you know loving it's not even a game show But their thing isn't even like, oh, we did this guy, was fleeing.

Like, they supposedly killed this guy in cold blood for drug money. They tied up and executed this guy. And you'll never be cops again. Yeah, no, exactly. That's off the table. But that's a thing that's never discussed, though. It's like 18 months. Like, then we'll just get back on the job.

It's like, no, no, no. You're going to work at a mall, security at the mall until it shuts down. Yeah, until that mall and Everly goes out. business when they invent something called Amazon. Oh, well, the one stupid thing is... Oh, the one stupid thing with Tango and Cash. Tango is... Is rich, and he only does policing for

the juice of it? Oh, yeah. That's a weird detail, right? He's like, oh, I'm really into the stock market. I made billions of dollars. It's a real max power. You want to talk to the Simpsons? It's like, it's Max Power. Like, he's rich and he's a cop for some reason. He's a Mary Sue. He's a very much of a Mary Sue.

Marty Sue. Oh, yeah, right. I ain't to marry nothing. Well, the thing about it is, though, you just call me to marry. It's ironic that he is the max power because it's only with cash that you strap yourself in and feel the G's. Yeah, exactly. I mean, that's the thing. He's clearly the Giver.

I will say that most of this movie when you watch it, it's Stallone's fingerprints are all over it because Tango is like kind of the, or Cash is kind of the comic relief to Tango's awesome, cool guy. But Tango is making jokes. He is, but they suck. But Cash kind of winds up in humorous situations, I feel. Cash is the one that is in drag later in the film. Precisely. Here's the main thing, is Cash clearly fucks. Yeah, he fucks day and night, sucking and fucking until the time.

Tango might fuck, but it's really scary. Whatever it is, it's really scary. Oh, it's like 50 shades of tango? Is that what we're talking about? Much worse. It's American Psycho, I think. Oh, my God. It's just alone, like in a shower. Like, I use milk bath from the face.

I think he might, he might have a B-movie thing where he, oh, yeah. Oh, my God. You're, you're seven feet tall. That's Brigitte Nielsen, man. Look down. Yeah, it's up there. Bench press me. Bench press me.

Then I'm going to work you over with some of these. coat hangers because I'm also an American psycho I'm gonna chase you down the hall with a chainsaw and drop it on your stupid head I might kill a dog in an alley

or did I not I mean you told me you watch the movie let me know or read the book and take your business card it could just be a fever team to be in Justin the row just drinking and eating small food

you'll get hungry watching Oh, of course. That's great. You want to be at all those fake restaurants. Actually, a couple of them are real. They go to jail. Oh, right. Yes. Which, I mean, like, the movie, actually the movie, it takes them way longer to get to jail.

If the movie's about them being set up, let's get to that immediately. Well, because they get sent to Mac, they get, like, there's a mix-up. They go to general population. I don't know who, here's the thing. Prison planet. I don't believe Jack Palance has the ability to orchestrate. All this fucking nonsense. Yeah, he's got like the prison system in his pocket.

Because again, like we said, the whole thing is they make the deal 18 months in a minimum security prison. But all of a sudden, they're transferred, they switch buses. They're in a maximum security jail. It looks like garbage. Insane because they're being, now they're being walked down into this jail. And this sequence is insane. There's like riots going on. But the portion of the prison is on fire.

That makes no sense. The building is currently on fire. There are people, security guards, walking around like it's not a bit cheerio. But that thing is the cherry on the whole fucking thing is that he's it's fucking Cash's best friend who's the warden of this place.

The prison guards aren't crooked. They come in and save him at one point. Yeah. It makes fucking no sense whatsoever. Because it's just a bunch of paperwork flubbing. But there's fire happening right? The jail has to be like oh no one can go in the jail right now because

everybody's on fire. Exactly. Like on Oz man, six seasons of Oz. If someone farted, they're shut in the Emerald City the fuck down. Did anybody catch the guy who said he wanted to stuff brown sugar into somebody's ass? There's all sorts of asses asshole.

It's a slew of hilarious rape jokes. They take a shower later together. Oh, we get some ass. We get ass to ass, by the way. But they're also talking about each other's dicks. There's like a five-minute sequence of. I think he refers to it as a peewee.

Yeah, Kurt Russell calls Sylvester Stallone peewee Yeah You know, Kurt, that was a hilarious improv. Kurt, not on set, man. Takes one to no one. Yeah, I know you are, but what am I?

Hey, Jambi, nice dick. My Johnson is glue. Whatever. Wait, no, it's rubber and you're Johnson's glue. I'm a little dick. Wait, hang up on that guy. Is he disparaging Kurt Russell's dick?

Hang up on. Hang up on. him hang up on him get rid of him dude that thing's got to be great banish him but listen both of those penises in 1989 are fucking fantastic i feel like i'm worried because of that john rambo movie where he was definitely fucking juice still on i feel like that that weiner in those you think he didn't do steroids in the 80s andrew have you seen a rocky movie like dude look at him well that's hg that is like that's monkey blood in your eyeballs or whatever I mean, his trouser snake is definitely, like, crippled and nasty.

Well, yeah, I mean, at this point, I'm sorry, the entire filming of this movie, his balls ached. Every moment of it all, I imagine his ball ate. It's like they got really tight. Like, the sack of the balls is just like tight because of all the steroids. His testicles look like one of the failed Judge Dread clones at the end of Judge Dread. Where's Armandes Santay? this film. You know, and he's somebody that could have shown up. He could have

been in this. Instead, we get Zadar. He's in the prison. Of course he is. Right. Because they do the thing where it's like, oh man, it's all the guys we sent away over the years. And I'm like, is this the third movie? Is this the Batman movie? Oh my God, it's Arkham. No, it totally, I mean,

Steve's right though, because it's like, oh, yeah, remember that crazy adventure I had with that criminal, now he's here. It's like, what is the previous history with these guys? I feel like there's movies here, man. That guy who said he was going to wear Tango like a shirt. Yeah, I'm pretty sure he was probably the villain of the first one.

And you know what, Chris Cabin, that is an appropriate prison intimidation. I'm going to wear you like a shirt because that's like, whatever, man. You're going to get butt fucked. Great. Thank you. The dumb gay panic rape joke. Oh, it's all over this movie. It's really a fascinating.

We're looking at butts. We're talking about it. There's like, well, I don't mind looking at butts. I was actually kind of surprised. I don't like threatening butts. I agree. I could take a nice little look. I'm not going to start threatening that butt.

What's threatening about the butt cheeks in this movie? There's a problem about four butt. Brown's made at butt. Yeah, if I'm talking about shoving my brown sugar in there. No, I'm talking about the shot when they're walking into the shower. And we're talking legit four butt cheeks from two action stars. Dude, man, those are some, those are great fannies, man. Capital F fanny.

Capital F amy. And there's, I mean, there's up to. compare and contrast there. Oh, there is. I'm sure. Because Russell's more of a surfer ass. And then... What does that mean? There's a tan line.

Yeah, a little tan line. Not as tone, because Stallone's working out. He's running every day. Cute little dimples, maybe. Oh, yeah. I've got to get that Blu-ray double check. They do make some reference to like... Kurt Russell says something like, well, we're going to be doing a lot of hard time in here.

You can get to work out every day or something like that. Because you got, I mean, it's a Sylvester Stallone movie. You've got to make a reference to muscles. Sure. Even though Kurt Russell's fucking cut his shit. Like, what are you even talking about? Stallone's cellmate is the aforementioned Clint Howard. Oh, right.

Yeah, he straightens Clint Howard out pretty fast. And I'm actually not even sure if we talk, why I say, I always call him the aforementioned to Clint Howard because I'm always talking about him. So if I mentioned Clint Howard, it's like, oh, yeah, I must have been said. The good thing about this movie is it's got like so many people. people in it. So many familiar faces. You know, it's a great Clint Howard thing that I rewatched recently. That episode of Seinfeld when they go to L.A.

Yeah, sure. And Clint Howard's the dude who's getting arrested. He's in the backseat with them. And he's got the great tete-a-tete where they're talking about what you tip room service. Yeah. Fucking great. Clint Howard, good comedic timing. Absolutely, he's great.

Not a lot to do in this movie, though. No, he's like playing a crazy guy with the slinky. He might be even credited as slinky in this film. Yeah. And then he becomes Stallone's sub. he does it's really really weird you know it's like ties them up with slinkies it's really weird you know it's a stupid gag in this movie too is like uh kurt russell's like cellmate is a is a big fat guy yeah and they do the gag of like the fat guys on the top bunk and the mattress is slinking down on the kurt russell he can't even move over and he's like punching him it's so dumb uh first night in wouldn't you know it i mean like here's the thing jack palons this is the hill most impossible part of this movie. They pulled them both out of their cells

and it's like, here's the time when they get killed. And like, Jack Palance is there with Brian James and he reveals himself sort of. It's so done. They get thrown down laundry shoots. And I mean, every single prisoner is there. Making a whole

lot of ruckus. There's a lot of grab ass going on. How are these guards not hearing it? Yeah, the guards are to come. But like, as far as we know, like, the prison geography like we're still in jail and then like out of the steamy shadows comes jack palance and brian james and it's like you just walked into this jail what are you talking about and they like they all come out of the shadows it's like it's just like ninja turtle like 25 guys here

it's got to be like the warden or guards are like in on this drug business i'm sure they're funneling drugs into the prison but the movie has to tell you that though maybe there was a lot cut out maybe There was a lot that was it in the script. I mean, this... What with the four directors and five editors? $20 million over budget. And instead of disaster. And instead of him...

Instead of Palance being like, all right, there's a hundred guys down here and two guys we need to kill. How about everybody holds them and I cut their fucking heads off? Like, that's easy to do. Sure. No, no, no. But first, cash has to make an immigrant joke. Oh, right. There has to be that real quick.

And then, then they can get almost killed. They get beat up a bunch and then they're like Because this movie loves lethal weapon by the way We're tying them up And then they're getting dipped into water And Robert Zadar is electrocuting them But just a little bit Just enough

Just enough I'm pretty sure you just get electrocuted Yeah I'm almost positive on this in fact Yeah I don't know what that's about If your entire foot Is in water If your entire foot is in water You might be your end now

You just might be electrocuted. If Robert Zadar is holding a live wire to a pool, you might just die on him bag. And shits yourself. Yeah. Yeah, where is the self-defication? That's a thing. I need turds falling in this water. And it's not just like a quick shock.

It's for like a solid 10 seconds. And they're doing the stupid thing where it's like they do it until they pass, quote unquote, pass out. and everybody's just hooting and hollering. It's like, no, that dude's dead. The heart has been roasted. Put that live wire against his chest and let's call it a day. Go home. Go home.

But that's nothing that you can laugh over. Sure. Which is the thing. So instead, we have this for fucking like five full minutes. And then the warden cashed's fat friend. I forget the guy's name. Oh, who knows? Mac.

Let's call him Mac. And all the not bribe. guards in the prison come to save them. Somebody went around, did roll call and literally no one was there except Clint Howard. That jail is cleaned out and the only reason Clint Howard wasn't there was he was tied to

the bed post with a slinky. Well, because he was his sub as we've imagined. And Ray Fines and Kiefer Sutherland are not Kiefer Sutherland, Harvey Kitell are burrowing in the basement. So basically the warden is like, yeah, the fix is in, they're going to kill you. The way to escape

the only way out is to escape, here's a map. They do, right? Well, they try to, and then they come across, like, there's, like, there's obstacle courses. Yes. There's a fan. They have to get to the big nose and find the flag. It's an episode of Nickelodeon's guts.

And then eventually they're outside this prison, and there's, like, electrical transmitters because, like, we haven't had enough electricity death yet. I think the prison is located right next to, like, the town's power station. Even Stallone is, like, commenting on the script. He's like, man, I'm tired of electricity. Like, yeah, I know.

I'm fucking tired of this movie and we're halfway through. Can we get some fire? All of a sudden, flames come out of nowhere. Well, Zadar comes out of nowhere and, like, they start fighting. And he eventually gets pushed into one of these transmitters. Oh, he gets fried. Crispy Kri-Ribou. Wow.

Pretty good. Pretty good. I will say one of the reasons I don't like this movie is the gore. There's no gore. There's no, like, action movie. death score. He should be a charred big-faced skeleton. There needs to be like more blood. Yes. He should have exploded.

Because as I recall, if we're talking to nudity, we're saying the F word all of the place. I was going. Someone does explode later, which is nice. Yeah, that is true. But this is an R-rated movie, man. Let's get some squibs going. Zadar's head has to pop right off. Yes, exactly. Like a little big chinned firecracker. Or just put in that

Death Star footage and I just, you know what I mean? Same diff. What is this? An episode of Muppet babies? Yeah, it's got to get like hardcore filthy. Not just like throwing it around here and there. I think that was a movie that Robert Zadar started. A lot of heavy motherfuckers everywhere. So, I mean, there's like, there's a zip line course to get off this island or whatever. You got to zip down from the agro crag. And now they're like, oh, the movie's about us clearing our name, I guess. Which now, we're an hour in and with a movie. Yeah, I was going to say,

this movie's an hour and 43 minutes. So what they have left is the runtime of an episode of the X-Files to fucking finish this movie. Yes. And it's just getting started. It is. And this is when Terry Hatcher becomes a character. Because she's in one of the first scenes

and you don't know what, who she's always stupid setup. And she's at like a nightclub? Is she like, she's going to go on a dance tour. I've never heard of this thing. In the beginning of it, she's telling her brother,

Sly, that who is independently wealthy. Yes, he's an independently wealthy cop. But you don't know that their brother and the sister. you just assume that they're in a relationship because they don't make mention of being brother and sister and she's like, yeah, I'm going to go on this dance tour.

And he's like, I don't know about that. The grossest thing. She's like, yeah, I'm going to go. He's gross. And she's like, because you don't know what their relationship is like, and in any context is gross. She's like, don't worry, I'll be a good girl. And then he goes like, yeah, well, I don't know.

Are you going to be a good girl? are you going to be a good girl Terry tell me It's not disgusting at the beginning of the movie When the scene is happening It's disgusting enough but yes No because you just assume it's like All right like he's got some trust issues

And it's like you're going to cheat on me Blah blah blah It gets disgusting when you find out In the scene we're pretty much at now That they're indeed brother and sister Because Kurt Russell shows up at her house And he's like God of my back hurts Well he shows up at her club

Oh, I forgot about the dancing. And the famous tango and cash dancing. The dark, one of the darkest, I have to say one of the darkest time, like, because we're actually currently in the darkest time, is the late 1980s. Yes, big, big trouble. Su Studio is king.

You know what I mean? Electric drums everywhere. Oh, yeah, man. Turn up the Yazoo. Let's do it, man. I'm into it. Don't go. They're in late 80s, like, go-go club, I guess.

Because it's not a strip club. She's not shown to be stripping. No, it's dancing. It's like a dance club. Yeah. But like I hear dance club. It's like, you know, there's more than one person dancing. You don't get naked in flash dance, do you?

No, no. No, you're just like sweaty dancing. So this is just sweaty dancing. Oh, I say it's a sweaty dance. I'll get naked in flash dance. There you go. Man, you just, you drop that bucket of water on yourself at the end. Yep, and that sound definitely happens.

Oh, yeah, that sound happens a lot. She's dancing. And she does have her own electrical. drum solo which is ridiculous and she's not good at it either. No, it's completely out of tune. It's also hilarious though because she's like

Kurt Russell's getting into it with the bartender about something and she's like Jimmy! Jimmy! The drumsticks! And I was like drumsticks and the bartender's like, oh sorry lady and like passes these drumsticks up to her cut to, there's just this electric

drum set out of nowhere. Why not put them with the drum Yeah, why does the bartender have to have them? It's very poor planning. Yeah, so this number happens. It's a, it's a full number, man. This whole song is going. They paid for all of it, man. And then it's the late 80s because you know what's funny is tough guys dressing up like ladies. That's actually, I just realized that this is another blink and you miss it, bit of unnecessary nudity because Kurt Russell follows her into the ladies' dressing room. And there's just like this topless woman that walks by really quickly. Yeah.

You're earning that Martin Cinemax are. That's number two for you, Mr. Cinemax. Oh, very good. I will think I might have Donald make you the ambassador to Hollywood. Wasn't there some weird? No, he was going to be like the ambassador to the arts. Ambassador of the arts, yeah. Some fucking things.

And like, but we're going to, we're going to dissolve the N.A. Yeah, so never. Never mind. It's just going to be, you know what? Every piece of art that's made in this country has to first be approved by the ambassador of the arts, which Stallone turned down. So who knows? It could be Martin Cinemax himself. No, I think it's a Jeff Dunham situation.

Oh, nice. Does this, oh, okay, Barry Jenkins, you want to make your second feature film? That's fantastic. Or your third feature film, rather? That's fantastic. Are there any racist puppets in this movie? What, oh, what's that Barry Jenkins? You won't have any racist puppets in your next movie?

If your painting is just a bunch of colory swirls, you're not getting the grant. My jalapeno puppet says no. Halapino puppet? Oh. Does Jeff Dunham's Halopinio puppet have a huge mustache and a sombrero? It does. No, that's exactly what it is. Oh, wait, I thought you were making it up.

No, no. Oh, he's got a jalapeno puppet. And it's a Mexican character. He's the worst comedian of all. to have a smiley cheese stick inside of it. No, he's the worst comedian. With that news, with that news, with that news that's been his act for years. I just knew about Ahmed the dead terrorist, and then there's like some crotchy old Jewish puppet.

Yeah, yeah. Wait, there's a Mexican puppet that's a shaped like a pepper. Yeah, with a sombrero on it. He's the worst comedian of all the time. Yeah, I mean, that'd be great as like a listical, but it's just like the worst comedians of all time. And you click it and it's just Jeff Dunham. 22 pictures of Jeff Dunham. And then Rob Schneider.

if your act consists of a couple of different kinds of racial stereotypes in puppet form you might be the worst comedian at all my gosh listeners at home I'm now showing Andrew a picture of this I haven't seen what the fuck I think he might have retired that or is about to bring it out of retirement oh he's bringing it back oh is there going to be a special show he's going to do it live it's Jeff Dunham live at the wall Live at the wall. You took the words right out of my mouth. Jose Halapeno. Goodbye to Jose. He's the worst comedian of all. A benefit show for Jeff Dunham. And we've been making fun of Gallagher for two years.

Look at this shit eating grin on him on this photo. Yeah, he's the worst. That's awful. That's awful. That's worse than tango and cash. You know what? Hang up on him. Hang up on that racist puppet.

So they, uh, that's awful. So Kurt Russell dresses up. like a lady because the cops are circling around. Oh, they're swarming the place. One cop asks if you could have a three-way with Kurt Russell and Terry Hatcher, which by the way I would do, but he thinks it's

two ladies. Yeah, yeah. Also, we don't know if he thinks it's two ladies. We just know he wants that three-way, which is, yeah. It's amazing because the start of this is like Terry Hatcher's like, I know how to get out of here. Her solution, the first part of the solution, before Kurt Russell comes out and drag, she's dressed up like

the murderer from Nightmare Beach. She walks out like a leather motorcycle jumper and the helmet's on. I was like, what? This movie's taking a turn for the better. And then this movie preemptively rips off the Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie because we get a D-Bomb, which is a lesbian slur about somebody being on a motorcycle, which happens in both this movie when Terry Hatchez on a motorcycle and in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie when she gets on a motorcycle. Is Paul Rubin saying that in that movie? Who's making that call? It's just some guy who's...

It's a Jeff Donovan? It's some guy who steals, whose motorcycle she steals. So it's basically any time a woman gets on a motorcycle before 1998, that makes you a lesbian and it makes me allowed to say the D-Bomb. That makes sense, yeah. Yeah, sure. Hey, sure, man.

Kurt Russell, you think he watched some like it hot before this scene was built? Yeah, I'm sure he did. I'm sure he's a fan of old Hollywood. I'm sure he's got a great movie collection. That's a great movie. I love that movie. It's a great movie. Then he goes to...

So they go to the house. There's a massage scene here. Because apparently his back hurts and like Stallone comes in. Again, you think that she's his girlfriend. And it looks like she's fucking him. There's this thing

where he's so stupid. It's really fucking calm. Because she's like getting like, she's making sex noises and she's giving him a massage. And she's saying like sex things. Well, because supposedly... Yeah, supposedly though,

Kurt Russell has a slipped disc. So she's like, oh, like, it's slid. It's sliding back in. Is it in? Is it in? Yeah. Why would she be aroused by slip discs? Because she's not just saying that. She's like, oh, it's in. And you're like, what are we doing? It's still like, what? I hope Jeffrey Lewis breaks up this sexy scenario.

Which he does. He certainly does. He bursts in on this whole thing. He gives them this weird timeline. He's like, you've got 24 hours to clear your names. Goodbye, movie. Bye. That is the word, there's, there are a series of horrible jokes throughout this thing.

And the worst of the mall is Stallone barreling out of the screen door with what's his name? Jeffrey Lewis. Jeffrey Lewis on the other side gets on the floor. Stallone gets up. What does he say? Do you screen all your guests like this? Oh, wow. That stinks.

I want to be expired to my house. We could, we could fill two hours with these, these stinkers. there's so many bad jokes it's nothing about it's all puns and like off the cuff ripartase like no I want to be killed by an American jerk off I remember that yeah that's happened

I don't want an immigrant jerk off to kill me to move things along this is around when they get that they check in with like Kurt Russell's Q it's the dude who owns the hotel in he freezes to death and screws

huge. Yes. He's also itchy from Dick Tracy, I believe. Oh, is he? He's, um, what's the Patrick Swayze movie we did next of kin? Yes. I believe he's, he runs the flop house and next of can. Yes, he's a good little character actor. You've seen pop up. Yeah. Oh, Michael Pollard?

Yes. Yes. Thank you. Michael J. Pollard. And he is like, he's the cue of the LAPD. Yeah. And he builds a supercar and it's like this super van that you'd imagine like McGruff the crime dog uses to kill people. Or Mr. T.

should be driving. Or Bill Murray and Harold Ramos are going cross the line. It's the inspector gadget car that turns into a van. Or it's going to put the LAPD out of business because it's such a super, like maybe it's automated by itself. It's driven by a robot. I don't know.

Whatever it is. Out of business, by the way. It's not like they bought it from the army like they do now. It's just that they fucking built it in house. It's amazing. But like he's also got like, so So what's weird about this movie is they're wanted criminals who have broken out of jail. There's way too much walking around the streets, including when Kurt Russell literally walks into this, like, police owned and operated tech division.

And he's just like, what's going on, Michael J. Pollard? The dumbest gag here is he's like, here's a home security thing I'm working on for the elderly. And it's like a clearly fake dog and a thing pops out of its mouth and then it explodes. This movie couldn't be a clean 90 minutes. No, not at all. And neither can this episode. Hang up on that guy. They already got, they already got, they already went to the sound lab and they got the

proof that the tape that they were convicted on was doctored. Guess what? Now you've cleared your name. Exactly. You don't have to go and indiscriminately kill everyone in the mafia. Because it's even when, when Stallone goes. goes to Papa Laracette's house. Or Arquette, excuse me.

Not John Larichette's dad. Oh, yeah. That dude was long in the ground by the time this movie was made. Maybe, I don't know. But yeah, so Papa Arquette's house. And he's like the crooked FBI guy and blah, blah, blah. And he's like, listen, I'll roll. The guy like rolls over instantly.

And he's like, no, fuck it. Like I'll say whatever you want. It's fine. We'll cut a deal. That right there, the movie's over. with. Here's this guy who brought them in who's going to sing it's over with. It's all

over with. And Stallone is like, no, I prefer to do things my way, which is illegal revenge. Is he the one who gets car bombed? Yes, that dude gets lit up. I will say speaking of Arquette and this episode is coming out

after the Academy Awards, we're taping it before the Academy Awards. Alexis Arquette is totally getting fucking Dennis Farina. You think so? She's going to get Farinae? That's my guess. That's my guess. Okay.

We'll see. You know the answer, actually, audience. I don't. Because I'm in the past. I'm still with Robert. I think Robert Vaughn. You might be fucking farina by the time they're saying.

Yeah, exactly. Do not worry about Steven Sater. Oh, no. We'd get totally ferreaned at the podcast awards, mainly because who's attending. Hang up on that guy. But yeah, so the last act is yes. they get this supercar.

They do harass Brian James a bit, who's doing an awful accent in this movie. I thought he was Australian and the star. And then it turns out he's Irish or English? I thought it was Cockney. I mean, who could tell? I looked it up. He claimed to be doing a Cockney accent.

Oof. Yeah. And this was not known for his voice work, Brian James. And Stallone was sold on it. Stallone was like, this was a small, like, villain role. and then he heard that terrible accent.

It was like, baby, I got to have more dad. I'm triple doubting on it, man. He supposedly rewrote the script and gave him more. What the fuck are you talking about? Bad decisions got the best of you. But okay, now you get to watch him blow up. And well, there's this thing where, yeah, they have, like, they put a grenade in his mouth and, like, they're trying to get information out of him.

And, like, Kurt Russell's like, you fell for the worst trick in the book, man. bad cop insane cop and I'm like throwing up I threw up on my table it was like it was like a fun enough scene if this movie was more I don't know contained or I don't know it just had any focus whatsoever exactly one director yes let's start with one director oh so they they they and this is when

we finally see I guess Jack Palance not only when did he make a rat maze Chris He made a maze. I made a dooky, finally. A dune buggy maze outside of his compound. Wait, wait, wait. It's a level from Mario Kart.

It is. It's the Wario level from Mario Kart 64. Do you want a rainbow road coming out of here? No, I don't want any rainbows here. Get my last year. Lead to Asgard.

Get Mario on. the line. Man, you know what? It's a shame that Jack Pallens has been dead for years because could you imagine him in a Thor movie? Dude, why not? Just do it. Tarkin'em.

Oh, shit. They let the gates out. They shut down the reactor of the Hollywood Cemetery. Let the gates out. So anyone could be in anything now. That's a good point. Wow, that's a cool idea for a movie. So, but yeah, it's like, there's journey.

everywhere and it's like it's as if Jack Pounce or maybe he does because he's got his he's very very hip to stuff he's like they're going to steal a supercar and try and infiltrate my facility what are the odds that he was able to predict they stole a car that was also kind of a big dune buggy

if I could just get in that bathroom it's hard I just I've been jiggling the handle but no one I've been knocking very loudly but no one's saying anything wait a minute it's your name Jimmy I think they're

calling your Macchiato. Better step out a line. Yeah, I've already shit my pants, but I'm ready for round two. Clean up duty. I shit my pants at a Chipotle because I threw out my receipt and I didn't

know what the code was. Also because I ain't a Chapo. Isn't that the dumbest thing? Because just go up and be like, hey man, what's the bathroom code? And Gary 1,000 out of 1,000 Chipotle employees will tell you the fucking bathroom code without a stupid receipt. It's not Fort Knox. It's fine.

It's a public bathroom at a Chipotle. There is nothing to protect. Precisely. It's disgusting. You're keeping filth in is what you're doing. Contain the fucking filth. So, yeah, there's, and like there's all, by the way, there's a, there's a cameo in this scene in case you guys were wondering. Oh.

Bigfoot shows up. Oh, right. the monster truck Bigfoot is for some reason repainted What's the point of having a Bigfoot If you're not going to show him Bigfoot can appear in his classic Blue Glaze

What are we talking about? Okay, what we're talking about is Grave Digger said no No, definitely I called for Grave Digger Turn me down That fucker will pay I'm gonna take it out on Bigfoot Make him have a paint job

Look at that. Truck Zilla wishes he was here. If you're making a movie and Gravedigger says no, it might be tango and cash. Definitely Grave Digger said no. Grave Digger was busy. Can I tell you one time I went to a monster truck show. Oh, really?

It was terrible. But what they did was, and this was in Albany, New York, and what they did, like halfway through their... show, some dude got on the PA and they were like spotted over the Albany Airport is an unidentified flying

object heading towards the arena. And I was like a little kid. I was a little kid. I was like, what the fuck? Terra-tructal? Oh my wish. But then it was this fucking whatever the fuck, truckosaurus or whatever the thing was. It's like, oh no, they

tracked it right, it's truck a shot. And then this big fucking stupid thing comes out. Man, there are ways to waste money, and there are monster truck show ways to waste money. Oh, my Lord. Well, are those free Saturday? I have a couple detectives dropping. Wait, have they defeated my demolition derby? It's so stupid.

They're driving around. They both have, like, super guns and are shooting stuff. It's outrageously done. The action sucks. This could have been contra. This could have been the contra movie. You're absolutely right. Steve's point

Continue it because the action does The action just sucks I'm sorry like I don't It's all practical Which is nice Yeah thank you so much My eloquent point My dissertation on tango cars

Hang up on him Don't man That's his thesis statement I mean it's like whatever I mean I don't know Like again we're not seeing a lot of people dying No one gets run over by this monster truck What are we talking about?

Why are you hiring fucking Bigfoot In the first place If Bigfoot ain't going to run nobody down. No, it's just a bunch of explosions. Well, that must have been in Bigfoot's rider. Like, Bigfoot can be an evil truck,

but Bigfoot will not take anyone's life. Now, let me tell you the story about me watching this movie last night. Uh-huh. So, I've seen this movie before. Did you recognize Bigfoot? You know, I didn't? I read that on the Tribune, just like you did.

Is that Gravedick and? No. Oh, God, Bigfoot's here? Oh, Gravedigger must have said, no. No, I've seen this movie before, and I didn't care for it the last time I saw it. watch it and I am falling the fuck asleep during the time. It is a struggle so much so I am sitting

upright. I fell asleep like my back not to anything. I'm just upright on the edge of the couch. I like dropped my phone. I passed out. I woke up though and it's like there's all this fire happening and all and they're shooting shit and I was like wait what? I mean

you sleep on this movie for a second and it changes what movie it is like rapidly. There's a new director or a new editor and maybe a new film score guy. And maybe the dude who owns Bigfoot is directing. So they get out of this thing, and now they're in his facility. Yeah, it's like this mob complex, and they're just gunning people down.

They run across Brian James again, which is fun. By the way, they kill James Hong immediately. He doesn't even say anything. It's unbelievable. He gets shot through like a two-sided mirror. And some other guy gets, the other guy gets killed, too. They're $20 million over budget. They're rushing to get done with this.

Seriously. Sorry, James Hong, your chest is going. Hurry up, we just got to get to the high five. Oh, we'll get there. But yes, so Brian James shows up. He's kidnapped Terry Hatcher because of course he's been kidnapped based this entire time. She's in the movie to dance,

play electric drums, and then be kidnapped. Yeah. And also give Kurt Russell a back massage. So then you get your little fight sequence and it ends with Kurt Russell putting a grenade down Brian James's pants. Yes. This is good.

Yeah. And he explodes. Which is also. I kind of want to see I mean it is great To your point He goes down a stairwell But he disappears out of view

And then the explosion happens I think you see a couple chunks I think maybe It's like clothing chunks maybe I don't think you see your blood Explosion I need like a stump I need like fucking bones flying out

I kind of want Brian James to look down Like oh no And it's you need that You also here's how you do it though Slow mo that fucking skullet with the ponytail just falling to the grounds, the only thing that's left. Because we've been mentioning that he is a ponytail.

It's on fire a little bit. Yes. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's singed. But we've mentioned the ponytail. We have not mentioned the fact that this ponytail is the byproduct of a fucking scullet that is in full force. Yeah. Full force, skullet. I didn't want to bring it up and, like, embarrass him.

He's long dead. Who cares? But he's great. I love him. And then if door opens, it is, it's like Contra. It's like, oh, I'm the last master. Dan-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-ha-ha. This is really stupid. Oh, Cabin, good job. Okay, so Terry Hatcher is now immediately a hostage again.

You don't get to do that movie. She's a female, so of course she's going to. But you know what? The only person that that can happen to is Princess Peach. Exactly. Oh, you got to jump over my back and hit the axe. I'm going to fall in a bunch of fire. Why did Bowser keep leaving that axe by that rope

that was holding the bridge. Bad idea, Bowser. Figure it out, man. How'd you get to be the fucking king of anything, you moron? Because he had a head about him, you know? It's always ego with these guys. So we're ripping off the end of

Lady from Shanghai. And Enter the Dragon as well, right? Or which maybe Enter the Dragon from Shanghai is a very old Orson Wells movie. Do they both end with a killer head shot? Yes. Man, does Palance get it?

I guess you're talking about the Funhouse Mirror? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do feel like this movie saw Enter the Dragon. I don't know if it saw. They didn't see the Orson Welles probably not. They saw Enter the Dragon. Yes. But what I didn't understand how does he know which one Pallens is in this situation? They kind of say it really quickly. So there's this, it's, it's, it's Jack Palance, he's like, ah. And he's got Terry Hatcher who's gagged and, you know, because she ain't allowed to talk.

Well, she's gagged, but oddly though, she's- She definitely has to be gagged. She's playing the electric drums while gagged, which is so weird. Do do to do one side Finish off tango and cash I will finally have time to take that shit Next it's Depeche mode Oh shit I had The mice are using the bathroom

Ripley's believe it or not Mice using the can That was always great about Palin's doing that Because you could tell like here's the thing And I've been talking about it a lot on Twitter this new rabbit hole I've fallen down which is obsessively watching Unsolved Mysteries on Amazon Prime. Robert Stack

is in full force. They got at least two seasons of this shit. Robert Stack in those show intros and outros was concerned and wanted to include you in solving a mystery. He's terrifying. He's also like a ghost or something. It's fucking bone chilling. He's always wearing a trench coat

and just a jacket with a bunch of buttons. Either a trench coat proper or a jacket with a bunch of buttons. It's a suit jacket where you're like, why are there four buttons holding this But with Robert Stack, it was like, tonight, you might be able to help solve a mystery. And I'd be like, fuck, yeah. Palance, it's like, well, you can believe it or not. I don't give a fuck.

What the fuck am I doing? Did I just waste your time or not? Was that mermaid real? I don't care. Look at me giving a fuck. I'll see you at Daft, Madam Tussaud's Wax. We'll see him. Stack was the better host

Oh, I'll see you in hell That latch on the bathroom is half green Which is vacant and half red Which is occupied I keep knocking and knocking Believe it or not I shit on the floor Some fucking sleeping in it

There are homeless shelters for that Go sleep in a church I got a shit Somebody give me a shuggle Then he runs into like a confessional In a church It's Robert Stack Just fucking late

Not Robert Stacks Him too Maybe he's the pre- Tonight I shit in a confessional I want a t-shirt Of Jack Palin says Go sleep in a church That's what I want

That's the shirt While yelling at a semi-locked door So whatever they shoot But yes to your point Like there's this gag where they're like, we should take his kneecaps out for some reason, and they both shoot him in the head. Oh, right.

And it's like, oh, I missed. Like, yeah, I missed him too. And they both have different reasons. One's like, oh, because of I noticed the reflection was doing this and then like, still like, yeah, I noticed something else too, whatever. And all these like optics things, I mean, I got to call Neil deGrasse Tyson. I don't know

if any of this is accurate. He should fact check this. He probably should. You know, a, you're tweeting here, you know, a bazooker wouldn't actually work in real life. Who blow his leg right on? Where would the missile go? Is he holding it between his toes?

Preposterous. Hang up on that guy. I would hang up on Cosmos himself. I do feel like if Neil deGrasse Tyson wasn't Neil deGrasse Tyson, he would literally, and Twitter didn't exist, he would be calling into radio shows, be like, I saw a Star-Cular base just doesn't make any sense. And they're like, oh, hang up on that guy. Exactly.

I thought we were supposed to screen these calls. Yeah, I mean, that's kind of it. Like, he's dead. They saved the day. There's all sorts of laughing about, I'm going to fuck your sister. Well, the facility blows up. Oh, right.

What is? There's a bomb? There's a self-destruct thing that, it's insane. It's like, it's like mob complex. Well, self-destructing, 30, 29, 28. It's like, what happened? Is that maybe once the mice get to the cheese and sets it off. Oh, fuck.

They actually do it. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Oh, I'm 68 years old. There's no way I'm getting out of art. You want a self-destruct button on this thing? Yeah. You know how much those fuckers are? It's a maze table with a bomb in it.

How big you want to bomb? Is that supposed to be the same office, though, like where his great wall of TV is? Yeah, yeah. We do see that. Oh, okay. Needs to take out a city block. Are you serious? That's right.

I'll live on in wax. form. All right, then. Does he have a Madam Tussos? I guarantee it. They might have moved it. They might have got rid of it because it was not popular. The one in Texas does.

Let me tell you, if you've ever paid money to go to a Madam Tuss, congratulations on wasting $30 a ticket. I paid money to go to a wax museum. Congratulations on wasting $30 a ticket. No, it was cheaper, but it was a wax museum in the city of Monterey, California. Oh. And it was like. They were all melted?

Yeah, pretty much. it was like here's the history of Monterey and it was like the most it was like a dingy basement that smelled and it was like clearly made in like the 70s or 80s and no one has ever been there since I showed up oh really and it was really weird because you press the buttons and they'd be like they'd talk to you and be like hey partner it was like the wrong things we're talking do you get hepatitis I haven't checked yet but maybe probably you should probably get that checked out they even have They even had a brothel, wax. Like, there's just, like, a wax girl, like, breathing heavy out of bed. Did you get chlamydia? Oh, fuck, the toilet seat's missing. Ah, I don't want to use it to get hepatitis, but I just might have to. Time to squat.

I've been waiting for an hour and a half. Okay, palance. Ah, better hover. Just like you're protecting an egg. I'm going to hold on to... you're going to hatch soon. I'm going to hold out of the light fixture like Mel Gibson and lethal weapon.

But yeah, so he's like, I'm going to fuck your sister. By the way, the newspapers love tango. After the high five, it's one of the best high fives I've ever seen. But even before they're like, Tango and Cash in prison, question mark. We are using newspapers as transition effects through this whole movie. It is terrible. With cash, cash like busted somebody with 200 kugos of whatever.

Yep. It's just, he made a bust and there's 200 kilos. I mean, this is like some Dick Tracy shit. Yes, man. It's so stupid. 200 kilos of the stuff. So they give a high five and the last shot of the movie is, uh, is, is, is the front page. I think it's them and Jeffrey Lewis says, tango and cash heroes again.

Best friends ever. whatever. And they're setting this up like it's going to be a franchise. Yeah, it's not, it's not an abhorrent sequel set up situation. But it's there. But it's there. It's like, you know what? This might feel like the third movie, but we're going to get at least six more of these bad boys.

Because they can go to New Orleans, right? They should have been in New Orleans in the first place. Come on. That's like the end of the movie, right? That's the end of the movie. I do have something I want to read real quick. Oh, please. I don't know if this is.

going to pay off or not, but if you're listening to this, the IMDB message boards have already been taken down. Oh, no. Right. RAPD, the boards. Last week. This is the thing I was going to ask you about, though. Is Terry Hatcher hot? Or is she not? I mean, like, everybody thinks

she is, but she's not. I'm pretty good on the internet, and I think women are less attractive than people say they are, and people need to know about it. I was actually wondering if Eric was heading up, like, a team of hackers saving as much of the IMDP message. Honestly, I want them to go down.

I want them to, yeah. This is my question, though. I know they're taking the boards down, which is fine. This is our immemorial. But are we losing user reviews? I don't think so. Because if we are, our live show formats, fucked. I'm sure they'll still do it.

I think the user reviews are staying. But, yeah, actually, I heard someone say, like, they were bummed out because they're such a great resource. I was like, what are you talking about? Nature and bigotry? Here, okay, exactly. and this is this is here's going to be what these things were for future people oh right this is good dude this is time capsule shit exactly so the subject line of this message board post is gay overtones exclamation point exclamation point exclamation point oh all right tango ask his command officer if he is proposing to him after he arrives back to the station after the first bust he does then he and cash have comparison check while in the showers of prison and tango says, I just do not know that you well enough after

Cash pretends that he wants to just get soap. I can understand protecting your sister, but Tango also seem a little jealous that Cash was doing something very pleasurable with his sister. I think that Tango want to be on top of that whole

ordeal. Is Hall spelled H-O-L-E? No, it's spelled right, surprisingly. There are more overtones, but you have to see it was cash gay or just too damn well dressed for a cop someone please explain it to me first of all yeah it's a real tragedy the shit's getting shut down and how was he that well dressed he was tango is the well dressed one turns out this is written by an idiot but even still he just wore a suit

that doesn't make you gay i mean like gay men wear suits gay men don't wear suits straight men wear suits straight men wear lots of suits ladies wear suits everyone wears suits i've seen a goddamn monkey wear a suit. And that was the best Academy Awards we've ever been to. But to be, yeah, I mean, like, this is what we're missing. We're missing this conversation. That's what it is. And

there's tons of posts debating this. Of course. You know, some people like reply to this guy and we're like, well, maybe he's you the one that is gay for thinking of this. And then he's just like, ha ha, no, why is it you gays like to think

that me, straight guy, would be, You know, it goes into that territory. What are we doing? What are we doing? You know what we're doing? You know what we're doing? Hang up on him. He card read good.

There was a, my father, the hero thread that somebody sent me after we did that episode, they're like, oh, get it while you can. And it was just basically like some guy being like, yeah, it's kind of weird that they're showing this girl's ass. And everyone's like, well, why are you looking, man? And like, then other people were like, hey man, grass on the field, dot, dot, dot, dot. Please shoot me in the head. that's a new that's an interesting take on that yeah exactly there's grass on the field please fucking end my life that is exactly how that sentence should have that's tango and cash from 1989 directed by andre concholovsky and several other people

uh big thanks to what's his face lawrence lawrence oh by the way i will not recommend your movie oh i'm so sorry yeah no yeah no no go go away i think it might be an okay hangover movie it is yeah it goes there, yeah. And it is kind of just, it's dull, but it's not bad. It's bad. It's bad. It's bad. It's not dull. It's a cultural watch it because you like Kurt Russell, you like Stallone, and it's like, well, they did a movie together, which I think was a bad pairing to begin with. It was. Yeah. But they have

butts. And seeing is believing, Chris. So thank you. Yeah, I mean, it's so much a hangover movie that I was indeed much like a hangover, like going in and out of consciousness. Sure. And I still was able to follow most of it. So So, yeah, not recommend possible hangover movies.

Possible. Yeah. And these will be coming up, by the way, these Patriot. We've got a couple of these. We'll always call out the gentle patron. Yes, we're going to honor, obviously, the people are obligations. Of course. You will not be left behind.

So, yep, for more we hate movies, check out WHMpodcast.com or check us out over at the headgum network page. Check out the slew of great shows on our network. Like us on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter. We are at WHM podcast. podcast and right into the ye old mailbag. We all hate movies at gmail.com.

Rate and review the show wherever you get it. We would greatly appreciate it. Next week on the program, what are we doing? We're doing the beginning of listener request month. That's correct. With the last airbender. Shama Longtown, we're going back. Man, we are like making our way through this dude's filmography.

There's not much left. Well, split has to happen, sure. Oh. I heard good things, but I heard good things as well. Kind of a thing that's split the room I've heard bad, I've heard good, so I don't know, but Last Airbender, I think Steve, you're the only one that's seen it in this room?

Cabin, you checked it out? Cabin, do you own it on special edition Blu-ray? I do not. Ultra 4K HD? Triple disc. Do not. It's a piece of shit. Did anyone see it in theaters?

I did. I did not. I did not. I did, yeah. What? One for Last Airbender, please. No, I was on a date with my now fiance.

Thank you very much. Oh, boy. you must not like her We don't like each other Oh okay That's much more romantic So until next week When listener request month

kicks off on we hate movies I'm Andrew Jupin Steven Say it Chris Cabin Eric Siska Take it easy