We Hate Movies - S7 Ep291: Episode 291 - The Last Airbender

Episode Date: March 7, 2017

On this week's episode, the 2017 Listener Request Month kicks off with the totally wretched M. Night Shyamalan disaster, The Last Airbender! Making it the fourth time one of Night's films has made it onto the show, this train wreck brings up questions like: couldn't they find a single big name celebrity to appear in the film in any capacity? Why didn't they try and step up the violence? And what in the WORLD is with all the white people? PLUS: Who has, and has not, won a BAFTA—and what they did with it. The Last Airbender stars Noah Ringer, Dev Patel, Nicola Peltz, Jackson Rathbone, Shaun Toub, Aasif Mandvi, and Cliff Curtis; directed by M. Night Shyamalan.Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Now on today's program, a movie that I'm not entirely sure is a movie, but I know that when it ended, I started crying with happiness. It's The Last Airbender. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadek. Chris Kavana. Eric Siska. And we hate movies.

Oh. Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in, as always. Welcome to what is the kickoff of the 2017 listener request month. Oh, yeah. Now, Steve, when you said on at the start, was it, were you saying the character's name? I was. Oh, really? Okay. That wasn't a gong sound?

No, that wasn't an on. Yeah. Steve just loves singing the name of protagonists. I do. So, the filming question. Deborah Winger's character in most of those movies. John McLean. Yeah, oh, nice.

Darth Vader. Well, that's a bad guy. That's a bad guy. Says you. Oh, shit. Yeah, that's right. I've got to rewatch those. Mr. Mom.

Suburban Commando Yeah All right So listen Man talk about barely a movie This is the last airbender From 2010 Directed by

Amonite Shyamalan Written produced Directed by Number three What Number three Oh appearance on the show Yeah I believe so

Well there was a four After Earth I forgot after Earth The happening after Earth What else was like? Lady in the Water And now this And now this

Wow four repeat offender this is this is what you do this is the we hate movies hat trick for something and and we did I think save the worst for last yeah yeah well this might not be last but I mean we'll see what happens

this uh this this film was requested by several people but this is Zachary from Mississippi had this to say uh hi my name is Zachary Daniel I'm from Mississippi been a finalist show for a while now and I'd like

to request the N. Night Shyamon movie, The Last Airbender. It is a terrible adaptation of an animated show that I quite like, but even, well, not. It is a dreadful and terrible movie, and I'm quite curious to see what you think of it. That's it, I suppose. Have a good day. Goodbye. So thanks for this, bud. Are we being lowered into a thing with sharks in it? Like that was a bond villain-esque kind of. Well, I think it's because he knows that he's setting us up to fail. Also, I'm pretty sure the sharks have lasers on their heads.

Yes, they would almost have to at that point. Dogs with bees in their mouth. And when they bite you, you get stung. That's what it's like watching this movie. It's like having a beast in your dick a thousand times. This movie is fucking terrible. Jerry Seinfeld's stinging my dick. Almost no one's in this.

Academy Award nominee, Dev Patel. That's right. Asif Monvee. Asif Monvee, I will say this right now, is the best part of this movie, head and shoulders. Really? In what capacity? He is just, he's twirling a mustache and gnaw and on scenery and delivering lines with acumen, which I can't say for a lot of people. Are you friends with this guy or something?

No, I actually, I mean, it's a bad performance, but it's just like, it's at least something to look at. I perk up. That is true. And like, everyone else is just like, you know, a cardboard cutout. I mean, it's not good, but, you know. I don't know, man. I don't know that I could get behind that. I want to be on the right side of history.

I mean, everything about this is terrible. Steve, it's just a different kind of terrible. It is. Yeah, I guess that's right. It's like, it's either like really bland food or food so spicy it burns your mouth. It's like, well, neither of these are really good. Exactly. But at least, like, I'm moving with the spicy food.

You have something to brag about. You know, he's made me chucked. quite a few times. He's a really funny guy. The Daily Show and his stand-up and other things that I've seen him in, even like NPR pieces I've heard him on, you know? Like, he doesn't belong in this movie.

No. You know, that's the thing. I don't know. He made me laugh. I actually, his scenes are my favorite scenes. I'll say that. Well, yeah, because there's something you can actually look at. Yes.

The rest of this is just, it's, this might be, this, I say this a few times. Yeah. This might be the worst. movie we've done. This definitely is. Now this is. Up there with,

the thing is I was like, oh my God, this is the worst movie we've ever done. It's up there with easy ride or two, the ride back. But I'm like,

at least I can laugh at that in some type of ironic capacity. And this, it's just. There's no laughter. This is where laughter goes to die. There's no enjoyment.

I was watching this and I was just, I stopped breathing. Man, that's a quote for the poster. Isn't it amazing? Like, when you watch this movie,

and somebody tells you the runtime afterwards like you're lying that's a lie because it's less than two hours it's shorter than star wars it is significantly by like 20 minutes it feels like three hours it really does it feels like an epic it's it's meant to be an epic and it's just the same scene over and over an epic fail oh larry the cable guys epic fail prilosec o tc you know what you could put larry the cable guy it's meant to be epic also i must say the least confidence movie I've ever seen. Because they're explaining everything about this world. You fucking have to. Look at this. He-hawn donkey shit world they set up. Are you kidding me?

Once I see a guy able to quote unquote bend fuck you water, I know, okay, I don't care like, oh, I got this from my father

and he was killed in the great fire of Ozafudge. But that's what they, you know, that's where it all is, right? This kid's like a Jedi and his father. father was killed in the clone war, whatever the fuck.

This might not feel the same length as like a French masterpiece of the 1960s cinema in length if they cut that shit out. And they just did the action. Then maybe I'd understand something. Are you positing that this movie would be better if they took out all the expository dialogue? All the talk. No, I mean, all the talk. This was a silent movie. I think I'm with Chris now.

I think he's convinced me. Now I'm just imagine these little kids smoking cigarettes, like laying in beds together, just being, like putting on cool records. Totally, dude. Gene Seberg walks in. Talking about, they all like watch or walk across a lot. Sexual awakenings while they passively read about Vietnam in the paper. Totally, a lot of free jazz going on. Jean-Luc Goddard comes in playing a version of himself.

It would be great. Yes. I'd watch that. I would. It was one of those. This is, here it is. Okay. And I've said this a lot. It's not a, you know, you can go back and listen to our catalog and it's me saying, well, this isn't a what are we doing here situation. And it's not what are we doing here, this situation here, but what this was was me sitting here watching this movie going, what have I done with my life for the last seven years? Has it come to this? Me watching the last airbender. A movie that came out the year we started the show, by the way. Well, so, me and Steve, the ones who had seen it before.

Yeah, I hadn't seen it. I've never seen this before until last night because I, you know, I just dodged it. I was just like, no. There's no way for me to concisely explain to you the dread of going back to this. Right. I can't imagine. I cannot explain it to you. And I'll tell you this much, I had to break it in half because I tried watching it last night.

We got home kind of late. Put it on. I watched about half of it. And I was like, all right, I'll save the rest for tomorrow. Boy, it was hard opening that Amazon app again. I did something similar. Like, I got to about when the stupid cat bus from my neighbor Totoro... You're guaranteed they're fucking ripping off that cat bus.

You better believe it. It's a morbidly obese Falcour. Let's just... It's Falcour on hard time. Also true. Falcour on disability. If Falcour and the cat bus had a demented child, this would be it. Falcour's got a new reality show.

It's called My 600-pound Fat. Falcour. Oh, man, Falcour had, like, eight kids. You know, Falcour's, like, designed to shit them out, right? Wasn't he covered with nipples? What? Underneath all the fur, yeah. Was Falcora a lady?

I don't know. He sounded like Ernest Borgonine as we've... Yeah, but I don't know. He's a different species. He might be, like, impregnating himself. I'm sorry, so you stopped when that thing, what? When that thing entered, I had to stop last night. That's at the beginning of the movie.

Exactly. I was like, oh, fuck this. No. And I went back to it this morning. So, I mean, in short, this is based on a Nickelodeon cartoon, which a lot of people quite like. And yes, let's all put our tweets down because no one in this room has seen it. We're going to get a lot of things wrong. It's kind of... No idea.

There's a large mythology we're not going to touch. Sure, but I will say this. We did the live stream where we selected these. I've seen a great number of people tweeting and writing on Facebook in support of us saying, listen, this movie's terrible. I like the cartoon. Also saying, though, don't bother trying to get involved

in the cartoon as an adult. Just let it be. If you didn't watch it as a kid, you wouldn't care. My wife actually was a fan of the show. Oh, really? So you have some reference, at least. Well, no, I have no reference because we're watching it, and then she's like correcting it while I'm watching it.

I'm like, I don't know what either of you were saying. It seems like it should be simple enough, right? They're kind of all like little Captain planet people. Yes, they are. Yes. So, yeah, I mean, so it takes place on another world where the world is broken up into four nations, earth, wind, fire. And fires run by plunder industries.

Uh-huh. Right? And they're like, they're like, there's like being bad guys, huh? Yes. You always want the like, bum, bum, bum, bump, bump, bump, bump, music in the background. Right. And then a bunch of Mickey Mouse's run around the outside. Did we

miss an element where you continue Fire, earth, water, and air. Yeah, earth, wind, and fire. Earth, wind, and air. But the airbenders are all dead because this kid chickened out and kind of left everybody left everybody hanging out to dry there. I thought that thing was like an accident. Like, he got accidentally frozen in this like sphere of carbonite.

He did, but he chickened out. Because he ran away from home, he said, right? Yeah. So this kid wants to get some lady pregnant because they're like, hey, man, you're the last you're, you're an avatar. That's like the best thing. That's like, hey, man. Wait a second.

I didn't even realize this. The fire guys came in there and ethnically cleansed everyone. That's right. They murdered all them air monks. And they did it to the earth monks too. Although the earth monks got it. Well, no, they were ready to go, right?

They were lined up at the death camp. Hey, man, it's in the movie. It is in the movie. But they're like, hey, you're the avatar. It's like being born rich. It's like, dude, you've got it. You've got it made. You are a god.

Well, the avatar means that he has the potential to learn all of the bending. He's like the Dalai Lama, right? Yeah, pretty much. That's a crucial difference to be made. Because at the beginning of the movie, they make it like, he's born with these powers and he's ready to do it. A big part of the movie is that he's such a lazy shit

that he never got around to doing anything but the air bending. Oh, yeah, that's a problem. Yeah. What the fuck was he doing? He was like being emotional at the bottom of the sea, it seems like. What happened was, they're like, are man you got this great deal problem is you you 10 year old boy can't ever get married or have kids and he's like I'm out like when I was 10 years old that I want to you the best if somebody came

to me a 10 years old you like hey man do you want to be Superman or do you want to be like your fucking dad working three jobs I'm like you know what I want to be fucking Superman hell yeah sign me up mm-hmm it appears right away you've either read the the Wikipedia or paid way more attention in this movie than I did. A little bit on me. Yeah, I mean, I didn't get any of that. He got trapped in an ice bubble. I knew that he ran away because I want a family. Right, because they said... Oh, ew. I did hear the married part, but they didn't say anything about him

taking a lover. Exactly. You could take some lovers, right? Exactly. Listen, just take a couple lovers. The thing is, if you sit a kid down and you're telling him he can't get married, Yeah, tell him he could still take some lovers. Find some lovers throughout the way, man. I don't think you should be telling any kid this. No. Sit down a 10-year-old.

This is a sounding problematic. Do not worry. Yeah. We can get you some lovers. Fucking Milo Yiannopoulos over here. Is that how you say that last name? Who cares? He's gone forever. Yeah.

And so he runs. He gets frozen in ice and oops. This girl and her dead-eyed brother, these two dead-eyed kids. Oh, God. I mean, it's a bunch of Jake Lloyd's is running around in this movie. Dude, it's like he's put Jake Lloyd in five. The brother.

The brother is the worst of the two. This brother's sister combo cabin is correct. The brother is the worst. My God. It's like rejected extras from fucking children of the corn. It really, it shines a very, very positive light on the kids from the EWalk Adventures. It really does. As far as the brother, they are brando and female brando.

Female brando. How about Lauren McCall? Sure. Wait, what? That's female bogey. Come on. I'm just trying to... Tipy, hedron, fine.

There you go. A Merrill Street. Although, let me tell you right now with that fucking Florence Foster fuck face movie. Enough with it. And this is being recorded before the Academy Awards

and I swear to you if she wins for that fucking movie, man, there is no justice anywhere in the world. That is the worst movie of 2016. Continue. Sorry. I lost my cool.

I was just going to say that those little kids are like reanimated corpses or something. They are. They're all bad. Apparently the brother was in some of them their Twilight movies.

His name's Jason Rathbone. Really? Oh, Jason Rathbone. So is he taking a shirt off in that or something? Oh, I don't know. I think that was Taylor Lawtoner's job

to take a shirt off. But wasn't all the wolf boys get naked together? As I understand. I think anytime you have a group of people, calling themselves the wolf boys they're taking

their clothes up. All I know about those wolf boys was that like they also have to smell up in the air a lot. Yeah.

Well, you know, everyone was doing that like team Jacob or whatever. Sure. You click on that hashtag,

you get to see some wolf boys. That's what I know about Twilight. Let us know if you want us to do a Twilight episode we might do

Oh yeah or a commentary maybe. Yeah, that'd be fine. Oh, a Twilight commentary. I've seen two

of those movies. I had no idea what was going on. You want to feel old. You watch twilight. So they break this kid out

of the ice. His big dove monkey comes out too. Oh, is it a monkey? I thought it was a cat bus. It's a cat bus. Cat bus and lemur bat. Are you talking about Falcour? Yes, Falcour. Big fat Falcourt. Fat core. Fat core. This thing looks like when Falcores in his last days

you take him to the vet, you find out that Falcour's got a debilitating illness, you bring him home and it's just like, live it out Falcour. Here's a big steak. And he's like, yeah. Yeah. Nobody's cut his fur in a long time.

He's letting it go. Oh, man. Wait, so, oh, so what happens is we're sitting, these two shit-eating children are like practicing their water bending. And they're also eating shit. Also eating shit. The girl's a waterbender, the boy is not. Right.

He's just a loser. He's just like luggage or something. Yeah. Cabin, did you say he was a warrior? Are you kidding me? What he wants with the fucking weapon? And he becomes the bodyguard later. Yeah.

So that's what he meant he becomes the bodyguard. We'll always love fat core. That's our new genre of music. Fat core. Yeah, no, it's ridiculous. They're like, she's practicing and whatnot. And then like this dude kind of just like rises out of the water. Well, what's amazing is they're like, there's something under the ice.

And this idiot who wants to be a warrior start smashing. Bash in this ice and I'm like, what are you doing? We should talk for one second about Kevin. Yes, we should talk about Kevin. He might shoot up his school with a bow and arrow. Can I ask you guys this really quick about that movie? Didn't see it. I haven't either.

But you two did. It's a really good movie. Is it a horror movie? No. Because here's the thing. That movie is featured on Shudder, Netflix for horror. And I'm very confused. I understand what they mean when they do.

I see. It's body horror. I don't think I would necessarily say it was that. Social commentary horror. Yeah. But it's also just like it's every mother's nightmare. Yeah. I would say it's bigger than most like pointed political idea.

It's like, gotcha. But with the whitewashing in the film, because this is a cartoon about a bunch of, like it's a world populated by a bunch of, all these nations are different kinds of like Asian nations and like everybody. It's a very diverse. crew. You know what I mean? And again, I don't know shit

about shit, but I do know that and I do know people are pissed off about it. And the one thing I don't understand is there's a reason to whitewash. There's a couple reasons to whitewash if you're going to go that way. Which is not good. Well, this is for fat white kids at the mall. No, but the fat white kids already liked the Asian

kids they saw on screen. And also, but whitewashing's main thing is because of box office. You want a box office draw. They have nobody in this movie. Yeah, exactly. It doesn't mean. It's not like Patel is the high mark man. And that is, and I think it's the same year

as Slumdog or maybe like a year. No, two years after. 2008 is Slumdog. Okay. Correct. Well, here's the thing is like all of the notable people in this movie are actors of color.

Yes. It's Dev Patel. You got Asif Manby. Cliff Curtis. You've got the dude who was in the cave with Tony Stark and Iron Man. He helped him build a suit in the cave. The lines around the block to see that guy's new movie. But like, yes, you know, whatever.

It's a dude who's in a thing. And then you have fucking bug-eyed weirdo from Twilight, which who could care? He's like the sixth-tier Twilight person. There's nobody in this movie. And also nobody can act. So what's the point of dragging white kids into this movie? It's not just white kids. There are so many fucking white people in this movie.

It's outrageous. The whole time I'm going, what's with all these white people? I had no idea what this universe was. So maybe there's white people in it. Maybe there's white people somewhere. In the cartoon, there's no white people? I can't speak empirically about the white people population. But like this dude who plays, this guy who's playing the last Airbender, though, he's a white kid.

He's a little white kid. Yeah. And that character, what's that? He went on to do nothing. Yes, correct. He did like one thing after this and it was another like, who cares. But like, that character, I've seen photos from the cartoon. Like, that's an Asian character.

Exactly. And so are the, the brother. and the sister are both, like, closer to Inuit, I think I'm getting that right. They certainly live in a fucking Inuit-looking village with other Inuit extras dancing all over the place. And then it's these two white morons and their old-ass white grandma.

And then all these Inuit people, just have three of those Inuit people play the fucking characters. It sounds like you guys are attacking a minority. There's not that many, oh, I guess so. There's a lot of white people. Hashtag white genesis. Yeah, you know what? I say bring it on.

There's plenty of us. Trying to do the devil's advocate. Sure. So, but Zucco, played by Dev Patel, shows up. Zucco, by the way. Tony Zucco, the guy who killed Robin's dad in case anyone's wondering. Nobody is. But he's come up on this show before.

He will again. Without question. But he shows up and he's like, hey, I'm just going to. I'm looking for the last airbender. I hear tell he's around here. So they find him, right? They drag him into the thing. And they capture them.

My favorite part about this is like, Zucco's about to like start, he's like, bring me all your old people. And they start dragging all these old people out ready to kill him. Like, I like where this is go. That's awesome. And instead of killing them,

the kid gives himself up, he's like, hey, I'm the last airbender man. I'll go with you. And this one firebending guy, like just to show them what they missed, gives like a kick of fire. fired everybody.

They're like, eh, good. Yeah. Oh, take that little fireball. Yeah. I did it. Yeah. There's some logistical concerns I've got. Oh, okay.

Sure. With this movie, I just want to cover it quickly. One, you got an alternate paramount opening. Oh, right. With the water. Yep. The water is like turning to ice and we're just, we're interested. Uh, you got yourself a scroll.

Because this girl's like the narrator of this movie, like the sister of dead eyes. Yes. the dead eye clan totally uh so she's like narrating this movie so it's like i guess even though this movie is indeed called the last airbender which is this dude who's like the little boy is indeed the last airbender for whatever reason this girl's telling the story like it's fucking silver bullet my my god my god don't we have to sit through like two dozen scenes where she says and then un the last air bender had to show his talents in front of the

tribe. Yeah. And then they show him doing that in the movie. Hey, hey night. Hey night. In a movie, you could show and tell or show or tell. It's kind of foolish to do both. You know, you're not really understanding what I'm

putting forth here with this adaptation of one of my favorite cartoons. Oh, who am I kidding? My kids put me up to this. I don't know what this is. I got a big question here. Yes. Also, Nickelodeon's got deep I don't like I still am not sure what the last airbender is or the the avatar or whatever the fuck so so he's like he's like Jesus for all these elements yes yeah all these tribes each can use magic from certain elements based on beliefs in each element but why is fire like not down with the last airbender they're just evil I mean like somebody had to be somebody had to be the nemesis I think, Eric, they closed their eyes and threw a dart at a board.

And it landed on fire as the villains. Well, fire's the coolest, so therefore it has to be evil. Right. And I mean, Wheeler was evil, by the way, right? Wheeler on Captain Planet, he must have been evil. Oh, yeah, I guess so. That little red-haired shit bag. Oh, yeah, he sucked.

I mean, he was like the troubled kid. He was also talking about Silver Spoons. I believe Wheeler came from like a rich family. What a piece of shit. The rich get eviler. Oh, so also, yeah, so the source. scroll, which is weird because you're like, man, it's weird to have a child read a scroll. And it doesn't really tell you anything other than that avatar is Jesus.

Yeah. And I mean, that's kind of the whole. I'm going to hear that 12 times in the next hour and 40 minutes. Yeah. Let's just leave it alone. And the other thing that I'm, unless I missed it. So this movie, it's like that shitty prolog. And then it cuts to black and it just goes, uh, book one, water.

Uh-huh. Yeah. There ain't no motherfucking book two in this. movie, baby. The earliest whiff of a failed franchise. M. Knight was being a little presumptuous. All right. So if I started with book one, everyone will have to be like, hey, M, when's the next book coming out? And if I make it super anticlimactic, they'll want

to come back for more. Yeah, leave him wanting more by going out with a wet fart. So he's captured by Zuko and escapes, which he does about 15 times in this movie? Yes. It's all it is. It's getting captured, escaping, and then like lame, poorly choreographed fighting. The fighting is bad.

It's really bad. Well, that's, and I don't know if this is also like a trope of the cartoon or if we're trying to play on like shit that was popular in pop culture at the time because like it's all this like Asian mysticism type stuff. But then also like all this Game of Thrones fantasy shit and we're like fighting at walls. Dude, there's fucking steampunk in this movie. There's a bit of steam punk as well.

Also, wise dragons. Oh, man. Is this another planet? This is another planet, right? No, they say earthling in this movie. What? Or human being. What I love about this is.

Well, you could be a human being on another planet. Oh, I guess that's true. You know, because we've been secretly seeding the galaxy. Oh, right. I forgot about our secret galaxy. Are we the seed? I don't know. Oh, shit.

Dun, da, da. So, uh, he meets up with this. friends and like hey you want to have a movie like yeah let's go have a movie so they go to the air bending place and the vest the girl one of my favorite line delivers from this girl so he's like oh I'll show you all my friends they live right here in the air bending place by the way the air bending place for my friend the air bending place sounds like the name of those shitty indoor like playgrounds that we don't have anymore like remember when like discovery zone was a thing oh my god that's what

what this sounds like, the airbender place. Hey, can I have my, mom, can I have my birthday party at the airbender place? No, it's too expensive. It would just be called Airbenders. Yeah, would you? Welcome to Airbenders, where nobody has fun. You're the last airbender

because you're the last customer will ever have. As soon as you leave, I have to put a padlock on this door. There's the banks coming in the morning. Your decor theme is Asian, but you only serve meatloaf? this pizza dough is this paper machet this tastes horrible oh and while you sit at your table and eat someone's going to read a book that you don't like

and you have to listen to the whole thing so but he goes there's like oh you're going to meet my friends they're great and she's like he's like yeah all the monks and she's like you're friends with monks it sounds like ew gross so we get there and he's it's kind of weird because he's like hey monks I'm home And, like, nobody's there to, you know, his grand return. Yeah. And so he's walking around and he's like, huh, we're all these monks. And I'm like, I'm getting a whiff of tragedy.

Yes. And so he's like, oh, I know. Maybe they're all at the sacred praying field or whatever. And this kid runs down to a fucking killing field, man. It's just a farm of skeletons. Here's my question. Did you not see the skeletons at the top of the hill? Yeah.

Come on, Ung. The monks told you to be wary of your surroundings, I'm sure. And, I mean, I get it. You picked up a lemur bat in the process. Yeah, that, you know what, his little buddy there who reminds me of, I believe it's Robin Williams' character in Ferngulling. Oh, okay. It kind of reminded me of that.

That thing comes to nothing in the movie. He does less than the big fat Falkor, which is nothing anyway. It's negative three. But what's amazing is, so he's seeing all these skeletons, and the other two dead-eyed actors are like, hey man. looks like a genocide was committed and he's like I don't know if I buy that just yet and he's like rooting through

these skeletons till he finds like a necklace that he made for this one monk and then he's like oh no you know brother whatever's necklace I made this for him there's a pointless fucking flashback of this child handing a man a necklace cut back to the kid in this fucking graveyard and he's

just like no oh so those were the air people that's all the air benders dude the air nomads because they were off on their own thing. Oh, is that right? Yeah, they, in the stupid scroll. That's the thing I remember.

They were nomads. Nomads no more, I'll tell you that. Well, man, these corpses. These details, man, fall asleep and you'll miss it. And it's been enough time that their flesh has been rotted off. I guess they were burnt off.

I guess the fire people proceed. It's been 100 years. It's been 100 years? Yeah, he was like locked up and, you know, whatever. He slept in this ice for 100 years. So he's Captain America. He's very much

in America in more ways than one and the red skull is not that you know what this needs a red skull like the fire people need to be led by I don't know a fire beast an actor

a charismatic not a fucking daily show correspondent oh man Wyatt Sannack running the earthbenders yeah Kristen Schall doing the the airbenders you know you can do

and then you really spend money and you get fucking Steve Correll to be one like the bender oh the water bender oh for sure that's good he's like waterbender yeah he's got like three scenes maybe and then he's murdered but anybody would be like even if i was like oh like later they go to this other temple and i'm like i don't know anybody would be great was this the first movie he made after the happening yes yes this is follow up i think that's what it is it's like hey man m night's got a new movie coming out and everybody went well p you oh thank you no yeah totally oh she definitely but it's a

I mean, it's a kid's move. I mean, he's clearly, like, trying to move into a different market because the R-rated market, shit the bed with the happening. But it doesn't matter, though, man. It's like, you can get, like, real actors for kids. Sure. Jim Carrey and Merrill Streeper in that fucking horrendous lemony snick. Oh, I'm saying it's much, much bigger. His pool doubles when he gets out of that.

Which is why this is even more of a failure that you have no one in this move. You can't throw a rock in a Harry Potter movie without hitting a BAFTA winner. You just can't. I swear to God. You cannot throw one single rod. Everyone's got a BAFTA. Even them there. Kids are winning BAFTA.

Most of them at this point. BAPTA after, BAFTA after BAFTA. It's a batha. Bafters. Well, you guys didn't want white people. You can't win a BAFTA without being white. That's true. Just imagining that playing BAFTA poker.

No, wait a second. Dev Patel, someone get on the ticker. Dev Patel has to have won a BAFTA. Yeah, I would do. That's possible. There's an asterisk. Idriselba has that one, too. Maybe Idris won a BAFTA.

All right, maybe. Maybe. But come on. Look at, hashtag, hashtag BAFTA is so white in general. Oh, man. What a waste of time. I mean, I don't know, man.

You just, you had to get somebody. And they had to have been looking at this crew. And they're just like, oh, man, there's just nobody. I mean, you look at this script and you must immediately be like, oh, this is like, I got to see how much money they want to give me. Sorry, Dev Patel won a BAFTA this year. Oh, for Lyon. Oh, yeah, but not before that, right?

No. I thought he might have got something for Slumdog. That's what I was a nom out there. Yeah. Or one of those stupid ass Mary Gold Hotel movies. Oh, that I mean. Is he in those? He's in both of them.

If you want a thorough nap. You want to see BAFTA winners, fuck Fucking Unmas They should have called those movies The Wrinkled BAFTA The Exotic Rinkled BAFTA I'll tell you what

I went to the Last night I gave her my BAFTA I just put my BAFTA On the mantle And then I got down to fucking And then she took out her BAFTA Judy was a real

Peach last night Oh man I'm gonna right of BAFTAs get some new BAFTAs I ruined mine Oh, I had to throw that Bifter right in the bin Oh, Bill Nyey, what do you think about

an Eiffel Tower with Mrs. Maggie Smith over there? Oh, I don't have enough BAFTAs for that. I'll get a couple of more BAFTAs for something like that. She has to take a deal. That's my mean

Bill Nighi impression. Here's a question about Bill Nijie, man. It sounds better than him. Bill Nihis he's a goddamn treasure How is Bill Nihishe not in this movie first and foremost How could you not afford him? Underworld affords it The human Kleenex would do anything

Wait a second That was my question Is he still playing the King of the Vampires In those movies There was a new one that came out I don't think you moved on I think he got killed in one of them Oh is that correct

Yeah I think so Oh no I can't believe on the world All right I'm not coming back Did he see that? Did he get nominated for a BAFTA for that? Oh, for every time he was in an underworld movie, he got a BAFTA nominating. It's just law now.

Every old British rule. It's like Meryl Streep with the Oscars. Yeah. Bill Nyeye. Bifter is so corrupt. Just give me a nomination for anything I'll do. I did another one of those hotel fucking movies. I went, I saw that second best exotic Marigold Hotel at an exhibitor screening.

Would you think she's dick? Nah. Would they give him Bafters out in the first? parking lot? Although he's not a guy who's above shown his ass. No, no, no. Even an old ass. I fucking fell asleep in this movie though. When you come out of these things, they're like

what did you think? And I walked down, I went, I fucking fell asleep. Wow. And I left. At a thorough nap. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So yeah, last airbender. So we, I don't know. They're all dead. They're all dead. They're all dead. Skelitins. He's very sad. Yeah, good. Eric was talking to the dragon person.

He goes into some like, some like, psychopathic shock. This dragon's like, dude, you've got to mellow out. Look, man, you're on some bad assid right now. I'm your dragon guide. We're going to get through this together. No, Homer, I'm just a talking coyote. You're in a field, you're in a field, man.

I'm just a big black dragon. It's totally cool. Here's a question I have about this dragon spirit. Which is what it is, by the way. It's a spirit of a dragon. We later see it fly. Yeah. Kind of sort of.

You take off. It take off, sorry. Why is... Can I do a dog or dragon? I just get a bathtub for the last time, right? Cumberbad for beating me out to the dragon I've got to Free afternoon this Sunday

Come across some dragon dialogue He just does dragon dialogue And he doesn't know which dragon he's doing What the movie is like hey man You want to be a dragon? Yeah sure Here's how you do the voice of a dragon by the way It's just a butch snake

Yeah Here's my question about this dragon though This dragon is talking a blue streak In these hallucinations that mouth it's not moving I know what are we doing telepathy oh stop yeah well come on

get another scroll going do you want more talking more yapping I need a fucking backup scroll then if that's the case it's like hey Andrew just a reminder information like rolling up you probably should have got the preview comic and or the DVD

or the failed fucking PlayStation 3 game watch three seasons of the cartoon all those NPCs in the video game would have filled you in. My avatar sure is from Ultimate Underworld

this is a video game from like 1990 which one person listening might remember there's this great dialogue at the start of the game where it's like you're the avatar

you're like this fucking legendary hero and you go to this town and this king is like I don't fucking believe you about what? About being the avatar oh part of me

if thou are truly the avatar you'll save my daughter from the stygene abish. Oh, my God. And then so the game is you try to save the daughter from the stygine abyss? You're in this like dungeon abyss and it's like everything's black

and then there's like Boogerman that come out after you. It's terrified. And this game came out in 1990. Probably. Yeah, what's the replay value on that? I don't know. Yeah, probably not much.

But it's worth, it's worth mentioning. Don't worry. There is a cult waiting for you on the internet. Wait a second. So wait, I'm sorry. Why is this your avatar? Because it's just whenever I hear the word avatar And I don't care if they're blue people.

I think about my warrior going into the dungeon. Man, these avatar movies may be coming out at some point. They're not coming out. He finished writing them. He did not. Yes, he did. No, he did not. But who did you see him?

Did you see him finish? He's a liar. I feel like he's just, he's scamming money to make another secret documentary about the Titanic. No, no, no, no, no, no. I will bet you no matter how bad the next one. is they're all coming out well it doesn't matter you know what's coming first is this fucking avatar play world thing at disney world oh right they're trying to remind you that that was a movie that came yeah that's like that's like i think that's the strategy it's like let's drum up interest

in the franchise again by opening this fucking billion dollar theme park and then maybe hopefully fingers crossed people give a shit about these movies when was that movie when would that movie come out 2009 yeah so it's like every 10 years we're going to get an avatar no no it's going to be like this back-to-back. He's going to be at a clip. Yeah, exactly. But he's doing the high frame rate shit, though. More than what Aung Lee did for that football movie nobody saw.

That football veteran movie. Wait, what is this football movie? Billy Lynn's half-time walk. Billy Lynn, yeah, it's not a football movie, but it's a, this dude was like, he's in Iraq, Afghanistan or something. He's a veteran who comes back and some, he was part of some, like, controversial shootout. And he plays soccer? And he comes back to, like, do a half-time show thing.

Okay. At a football game. At a football. Wow. Which of the benders are in this? Dev Patel isn't it? No, he's not. I'm sorry.

Is there any BAFTA win us? So I think Kristen Stewart is in that movie, right? Playing his sister? Yes. Guaranteed. She won a BAFTA? No. Guaranteed?

Well, she is white enough. So, I mean, I don't know. We're talking to Dragon. We're talking to Dragons. They're like, hey, let's go. We have to go to like this other water place that's really far north in the world. let's first go meet the earth people. They meet the earth people.

All the earth people are in jail. Yeah. They're like, hey, man, this is Eric's death camp, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're all, like, living on the dirt. And they're not, like, using their powers. Which is the, because it's the dumb, it's just dumb. It's just dumb.

It's, like, why if you're a fireperson, would you put people that can manipulate Earth in a fucking dirt field and be like, ha ha ha ha ha. You've got, like, they should be, like, contained in some type of magic spell or a null? You need to say, that's right. You're exactly right, Eric. You need a thing that's like,

and they're in this pen, and in this pen, they can't use their powers. A small island in the middle of the ocean. Because what happens is our little fucking last airbender farts in there, and he's like, hey guys, Revolution.

And they all start using these earth powers. It doesn't take much, man. He even says, like, remember guys, remember you could like manipulate the earth with magic powers? They're like, oh, right. Oh, yeah, that magic power called self-defense.

And all these dudes start kicking dirt up and all these fire people and it's like, what the fuck took so long? It's like Wolverine gets a fucking paper cut and starts bleeding to death and Jubilee is like, dude,

healing power is it? Oh, right. Oh, the healing power. It's like nobody needs to tell these people this. Yeah. This might be a bad movie. It might just be.

Turns out it's a bad movie. There's somewhere around this scene is I was writing down some like notable just thud lines of dialogue. Oh, you could write a book. Oh, it's just. And a lot of, of them though are from like anonymous extras and it's just like ADR I believe this is one of

them someone just goes that child is being arrested out of nothing and nowhere you want to talk about NPCs yeah exactly ghost it might have been a ghost do their air ghosts the air people ghosts at some point around this time in the movie we are introduced to character after uh cliff curtis yes not enough of cliff curtis in this movie not at all Now, Cliff Curtis, you'll recall if you bothered to watch Fear the Walking Dead, which I think Chris Cabin did. I watched a little bit. He's also the heavy in Arnold Schwarzenegger's collateral damage. He's just a bunch of shit.

I'm an earth bender. That would have been great. Right, if you just showed up. I'm going to bend the earth. Bended in the little pebbles. Oh, no, I should be the water person because then I can manipulate ice. I have to be a bender. I don't care which one.

I need that BAFTA. I'm on the hunt for a BAFTA. I have to win. I need to get into the hotel movies. This might... Tolores and Oscar, I'll get a BAFTA. This might be a spray tan, but I'm white enough for BAFTA. The competition will continue.

Yeah, so, yeah, Cliff Curtis is the... He's like the King of the Fire Ants. Yeah, he's Dev Patel's dad. Asif Manvi is, like, looking for... Like, he kind of makes Asif Manvi and Dev Patel So Dev Patel chickened out in the middle of a contest You're banished

We're kind of like cling ony You're like you're banished forever You lost your honor It is very cling ony because He has to fight his father Well yeah we We learned first that he's been banished From the fire people

And then later in the movie You find out why And it's because they were like Oh I was forced into this contest And I had to fight my dad And I didn't want to fight my dad And everybody called me a baby And I got kicked out of society

This comes up While his creepy uncle Oh, I love this part. The dude from Iron Man. The dude from Iron Man is saying, Def Patel, why don't you look at all the pretty girls? There's so many pretty girls. Oh, that's right. He's like, why are you concerned about getting back into fire society when you could just fuck in the world? Fuck the world. And I get it. It's a lead-in for like have a normal, modest life. Well, he's also everybody's dirty uncle, you know? But it begins with like pretty girls that you can fuck

I know we're just at this TGI Fridays but look at that way to Uncle uncle I just want to eat Like we're just at a family meal right now I don't want to look at a waitress Trying to eat these loaded potato skins I don't want to think about fucking in front of you I'm already shocked that I'm eating at a TGI Friday's

To be honest but you will You will accidentally and surprisingly find yourself In TGI Fridays you will Occasionally you will Yeah that's a big problem So yeah so basically he's a coward And, like, Asif Manvi is like, oh, I hate that. He actually picks up Dev Patel.

It's great because he's like, oh, look, it's our Prince Zucco. He picks him up. Yeah, he picks him up on his little. Wink, look at all these pretty boys at TGI Friday. He's like, oh, man, he's like, oh, let's throw a party for Prince Zucco. And he's like, look at Prince Zucco wearing his uniform that he's not supposed to be wearing. But well tolerated. It's like a little child wearing a costume.

It's like, oh, man. It's a humiliation. It's like a drunk father-in-law who hates the groom, just fucking having his last say before it's all over. Before he starts crossing his fingers with a divorce countdown. Because he's like, oh man, come on, laugh at this kid. Laugh at him. And it's embarrassing also. It's kind of like a roast because they're all in the same dais.

And it's awesome because Dev Patel gets up and he gets in his face and he's like, By the way, I'm totally going to murder you. See you later. And then Jeff Ross gets up there. Oh, the Roastmaster General. The five-star Roastmaster General. That would be great. It was 2010.

We loved roasts at the time. Get Lisa Lampinelli in there. Gilbert's telling 9-11 impact jokes. Earthquake could show up. Let's fill it with B-level comedians. He's an earthbender. He's exactly. He's like, Earthquake, the Earthbender.

Bruce Bruce shows up. Any chance to see Bruce Bruce live. But he's definitely of the water people. So, but basically he's going to pit the this guy doesn't care. He just wants Cliff Curtis doesn't care. He just wants the airbender brought to him. Yeah, he doesn't

give a fuck about his son. Who cares? Whoever gets there first is going to get it. And Asif Manvi goes, so it's a race then. and the mustache twirls itself. Here's something. This Asifman v. Greece job haircut and these sideburns.

I love these sideburns. These sideburns are degrade Star Trek sideburns. It's a bad job. He looks like a Disney villain from Beauty and the Beast. Totally. Like he should be singing in the mountains. But that's the audience, you know? This is supposed to be for dumb kids.

So you make him look at stuff that's dumb. What's incredible, though, was I could. You said it's for kids. Yeah. You're right. But what I could not help thinking the entire time was like, if you were watching these people laying waste to these other people. Like, if this movie was a hard art, it's pretty cool.

You don't get, yeah, if they showed, like, all the air people being, like, incinerated or something. Where's the dragon to give me a fucking flashback of that genocide? Or all these fire people that are spitting fire everywhere, like Mario on PCP. Oh, you won't do all rated version? coming to back a show of cheese. I'll give you a BAFTA for it. You want an all-rated BAFTA? Take a BAFTA with me.

Oh, man, that's done. Let me put some salts in this BAFTA. I melt down the BAFTAs. I put my bum in them. I've got so many BAFTAs. I can melt them down for a bath. And then I still got one left. That one's for me.

but yeah if we saw these people getting murdered and the karate is terrible the martial arts is awful it's awful and that's the weird thing

is that the kid Noah Ringer who plays the avatar here he was like a martial artist that's his background he's not no no no

his little kid martial is that he's 10 years old his background is being born like yeah martial arts yeah his background is

he wasn't alive for 9-11. Yes. That's what his background. But you see what I'm saying. Why bother? You could do wire work anyway. Keanu Reeves wasn't an accomplished martial artist.

Get a little kid that can act. Dude, but you know what, though? Keanu Reeves had the fortune of working with the Ruchowski's who insisted that everybody in that movie went through in intense training before we're filming anything. I can't imagine that you're putting these dead-eyed kids. and any kind of training for anything But apparently there was And a lot of the filming by the way

Guess where it was Pennsylvania Oh shit Look dude I don't like leaving the state man What a weirdo What a fucking weirdo What was that? Probation maybe

Oh shit you think so You think he's on a list I thought a lot I'm like listen Let's go to Redding Pennsylvania That could be the cliffs of whatever You're working in Holly Weird man, except the fact that you have to leave your home state

of Pennsylvania to make a movie. You know, like, it's like Philadelphia is the new something. Well, you know, in his, in his, in his defense, most of this movie is supposed to take place in like a hellscape. Yeah. Yeah. And that's Pennsylvania. My, well, sure. Here's a weird thing, though. In the credits I noticed, and by watching the credits, I mean, Like, I was feeding the dog and then on my way to the bathroom, I glanced at the television and noticed that it said New Zealand unit.

Okay. I mean, I think what on earth were we filming in New Zealand? I think they bounced around a bit, but a lot was in Pennsylvania. Oh, God. What a lazy guy. Hey, man, second unit can do New Zealand stuff. I'm not going to get on that plane, man. I'm writing a fun script about planes, though.

Oh, did he? No. Oh. What's that? West Craven already made Red Eye. I'll try it anyway Maybe I'll put a monster on it Oh that was a Twilight Zone episode

So many ideas Lost to the Sands of No One Caring I mean like whatever They finally reach the water people Another water tribe This is the problem This is Nordics Yeah this is like the gates of Elfland or whatever

In those In those Lord of the Rings Them their Hobbit movies I thought you were talking about Santa Claus. Yeah, you know, that's actually true. Actually, you're kind of right. Here's the thing, though, like, when you have these things, and it's like the fire people and the earth people, whatever, you have to treat this shit like Mario levels. Yes.

Right? There is but one water world. There is but one Earth world. And a complex sewer system that connects them. Exactly right. Or you can catch a tornado and jump a bunch of them. But, like, you can't tell me there's one, like, there's one, like, you know. water plays and then you're like by the way there's another one up north because you know what i need

another scroll that shit or a map stop the movie and show me a fucking map for a second i would love a map game of thrones loves maps and somehow this makes it harder for us of monvi and and cliff curtis to find these people and i'm like dude it's what another 100 000 miles on your little trips out to spread genocide across these lands i i couldn't care last about the geography because I don't even know and they talk it later about like I remember all those villages we liberated I'm like what villages did you liberate?

What are you talking about? What did you do? And if you did you should have picked up you know characters more than the first two idiots. If there's villages, shouldn't there be cities of some sort? That would be nice.

Maybe that's in book two earth. I think we see like there's just a couple like houses and then we see like the water elf palace and that's it. I don't think There's the indoor plumbing guys. I think we're shitting in holes. Are you serious?

I think we're shitting in holes. It's going right into the ocean. Oh, man, that stinks. Well, you know what's great if you're a water bender, you make a little deba. Debeis? Is that what is it? Bede. Bade.

You spray some water up your ass to clean it out. That's right. If you're an earth bender, you get to, oh, you dig your own outhouse every day and close it up. That's also. So you don't need plumbing. That's true. And you know, you just burn it. Airbender, you just flinging it in someone's face.

actually that's the great thing about the water one right like you you fucking you do it you know and then like you get your little water bubble and you catch it catch it catch it catch it catch him in bed with a water turn shove it right up your ass no and then you just you got your whatever your mess in a water bubble and you send that shit out to sea you bend that water out to see you bend that water out to see and drop it like a fucking airplane gets you know it's like like bin Laden this is exactly what happened the firebenders were living peacefully and all these water turns kept coming there. We're like, you know what

man? I am fucking sick of it. That's actually true. I cannot walk down the street without a fucking water bubble. That's always used. Supporting fascistic rule. Yeah, it's facieistic rule. Are we actually told what starts this whole conflict? It's the turds, dude.

Maybe it was flying turds. Water turns. Wasn't there some machines? Did they get it from both ends? Dude, man, it was just a fucking turd conflict. Raining turds. That's crazy though. Like Cliff Curt woke up one morning he went out on his beautiful patio he noticed his beautiful family was out the yard playing and he sort of like gave a big stretch yawn and looked up at the stars or the

sky you know and then a big pile of shit hit him in the face and he he flamed out and he just went no more why can you people burn your fucking turds we do it he was like making one of those like like fire strippers like from suicide squad and then first a bunch of fucking water hits him. And then on top of that shits all over your face. You killed my fire girl and then shit on my face. You know what tribe I'm in, Mark? I'm a water bender. I bend watermelon.

Chris Splatt. No, you aren't, Gallagher. Then Gallagher would lie about being an element bender. He would. I'm a comedy bender. I can bend Earth, Mark. I could do what the avatar does. I could open a movie

nobody will see, Mark. Guaranteed. So, one of my, Asif Manvi captures Aung there, right? Yeah, our little avatar. This is when Dev Patel dresses up like a magician's

secrets revealed. And like breaks him out of prison. Dude, I thought he was just like Cabal from Mortal Kombat 3. I also feel like somebody from three ninjas strike back had this kid up going on. It's ridiculous.

It's like a, weird like black kabuki mask with like a Troy Palomaloo wig it's just like a bad put together last second Halloween costume there's nothing that makes sense on this thing and he like breaks him out and big

surprise it was him the whole time because I think that they have like an anti-hero friendship that blossoms in the later series well as Avatar himself states in their last scene together in the film we could be friends you know And I'd be like, oh, excuse me, you're eight and I'm 20. No, we can't.

You know, we're not too different, you and I. You got your friend in me. Oh, man. You know what, Randy Newman definitely need to do his song, Last Avatar. You're the air bender. Benning thought the air. You know what? The air bender.

Love the fire bender. You got a friend in fire. I love the air. I mean, like, yeah, that guy was a shitbender, I'll tell you that much. Waterbender, Boulevard! We love it! Yes. Oh, man, what a waste of time.

Fucking request month, man. I mean, like, whatever, so he breaks him out. I think he leaves him for dead or something. Oh, and then, like, Asif Manvi to return. Wait, who leaves who? for dead. Aang leaves him for dead, I think.

Well, what happens is like, Dev Patel's about to lay the death blow. And then... And then Asov Mambi throws it back to John. Doesn't he throw

like an arrow or something? No, isn't this the part where Water Girl freezes him? No, we're much later now. There are so many just fucking repetitive scenes of the same shit happening.

He gets, like, hit by an arrow that Assov Mambi shot. Yes. And then his clan, Ansav Manvi's people, are coming to get on. And then like a bunch of fucking, like the fog comes in. Well, yeah, that's water bending, baby. So the funny thing is, though, like, so he then, like, I think Osamonvi like engineers Zuko's death.

And he captures his uncle there. And he's like, my favorite line ever, which is again, they're on a boat. And they're going to the water tribe. And he's like, again, I do have to offer my condolences. for your son burning to death in that accident. It's his nephew, isn't it?

It's his nephew, sorry, isn't it? Yeah. They have to add a new dead-eyed white girl, but this one has white hair. Oh, yeah, that's interesting. She's got white hair and creepy-ass blue contact lenses. Because it's like she was born

still-born or something. Yeah. And she says that the moon gave her life. Like, crock of shit. Well, the funny thing is the kids, they're on like a date, they're on a little kid date, and like the top knot there,

the green power rangers like hey man and like she's like oh my grandmother would love you and she's like oh really what would your grandmother say and like he goes like my grandmother would probably say oh what's with your white hair which is like

clearly him just being like yo lady what's with that it's going on a day with a woman with a scar and being like oh you know what my grandmother would say is like how did you get that scar my grandmother would say what the fuck is that what's with your a lazy eye.

That's what my grandmother... I don't even notice it. My grandmother is a real jerk. My grandmother would be like, you know, I have a bad driver's license photo. My grandmother would be like, why do you have so many ex-boyfriends?

Huh? Renee? You know, my grandmother would be like, oh, man, state school sounds pretty cheap. That's what my grandmother said. She's a classist, you know? My grandmother would say,

ooh, English is a second language. That's fun. What's awesome is when they get to this place and that we meet this princess or whatever, our fucking idiot dead-eyed voiceover comes back in and she goes, and what we're watching is dead-eyed boy staring at new dead-eyed girl. And she just- Princess dead eyes. Yes, princess dead eyes. And then the sister says, my brother and the princess became friends right away.

I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? They make eyes. That's like at the very beginning. I think they're saying that they're like screwing. Well, that's, I think, when we cut back to the guy and his eyes are out, that's where the sound editors need to put it in a little, like, boy, I, y, right, right, right. Because you could not tell that, that they made eyes to each other. Yeah, dude, man, that's how they have sex in this planet is they look at each other the right way, and then boom, it's done. The deed is done.

And then what happens in this movie is once we get to this place, we're hanging out for a little bit, it turns into a lot bit. And this dude is just like, because what it is, you know, they say, oh, Okay, cool. To become like the full avatar, you have to learn these other bending moves. So we'll go to this, the north fucking ice water palace or whatever, and you'll learn from the best. Like, this dude is like the best water bender. This dude who looks like character actor MC Ganey. I would love MC Ganey in this movie or like get Jim Broadbent in there. And MC Ganey. He asked too much. MC Ganey. He's got himself a terrifying line with children because I've lost the big turn with his

character he just goes we've come for the boy and you're like oh shit that's the same thing here man you have him be like some crooked dude who's working with the fire people and then he says it again he's like we came for the little avatar and he commits child kidnapping we could have him be the monk that crosses him that gets him in awesome monvi's clutches yeah totally you know what anything for conflict in this movie honestly and by the way like i mean i don't remember when it happened i remember when any of this shit happened. Why would you? Yeah. We do get a couple shots. There's like steam powered tanks at the fire people have in ironclads that looked like something Napoleon III would have sold to the Confederacy, babe. Oh yeah. I don't want to get off

on Iran here, but you're totally right. I remember pausing the movie like at the 30 minute mark and that's like before you even know that the fire people are on their way. Jesus. And I'm just like there's no I do the mental math right and I'm like there's no way you can finish this movie in any kind of normal way well because it's not a movie it's it's a season of television condensed into an hour and 40 minutes and it just abruptly ended I didn't know what was happened I was like there's no way this can end correctly so they attack the the water palace or whatever the fuck it is right yeah yeah yeah yeah like does that happen then ash falls on the city zucco dresses up like a white ninja and like kind of kidnaps ang on a

Again, and this is when they have another stupid fight, and he gets beaten by a baby, which I mean, this kid should be banished. Totally. If you get beaten by a baby, forget about it. You're a terrible firebender. Firebenders don't get beat by babies. That motherfucker has been frozen for a hundred years. Totally. He's a hundred-year-old baby.

He doesn't even got any muscle memory at this point. No, that is the title. That is what it should have been called, the hundred-year-old baby. I would have bought a ticket. I would have gone and saw it in the theater. Totally. You just watch it blind, man, a hundred-year-old baby. You never see you know maybe that old?

I want to see what that's about. I mean, voice by Carl Reiner. Voice by Carl Reiner, indeed. No, but that's a thing, right? He's been frozen in this ice thing with fat core. Like, it's got to be like, oh, my muscles. Like, he's in atrophy, maybe.

Oh, and the fat goes like, oh, my God, I lost so much weight. It's just like, wow, I was living off my fact. And Dev Patel's got the lean fuel of his father's acceptance. He's got a cool anime haircut. Like, let's get shit going. kill this kid. Yep. But he does freeze him and then like...

No, the little girl freezes him. Yes, the little girl freezes him. And then like, on, because he's a water bender now, he can, he like kind of removes it. Because he's about to die. Like, he's like, frozen to their head into the toe. Right. Which I was like, oh man, here it is. This dude's dead.

He removes the head and he's like, we could be friends, you know. Bye. Whatever. Give him that look. Uh-huh. So there's a cave. right, with some fishies in it. Oh, oh, God.

And apparently these fishies are. Oh, no, no. Fish. I just don't remember any of it. There's a cave with fish. The coy pond. Please say fishies again. I will say fishies again.

Ooh. One of the fishies is the sea fishy and the other one is the moon fishyy. And these are like the spirit goblins or something. It's been an hour and 20 minutes. And now there's a fish that's the moon. I couldn't care. Like, you know, I'm going to go to the bathroom and play a video game, and maybe when I leave, the movie you'll be over.

Well, you know, Mary, I would just take my line out, and I'd fish the moon out for you. And then we'd fry them up, and we'd cook them right on your bill to grill. Oh, man. Oh, no, we were dancing. We were doing the jitterbug, and then we fell into a pond with a fish with a fish that's the moon of a fish that's the sea.

Mary. The tides. Think of the tides. Mary, I'm getting flashbacks from being in the Navy. I'm not supposed to go in the open sea. Mary! Mary! Is this reality?

You know what? Great question. Well, we've been hearing about these fucking, whatever these spirits are for ages and ages and ages. And also, in betwixt all of this, we're like casually cutting to this coy pond. And you're like, well, how could the two ever meet?

And yes, it turns out, one is a moon spirit. One is the earth spirit. And they're just fish. And they look delicious. A crucial plot point of this movie is Asif Manvi killing a fish. Again, why is he my favorite character in the movie? He gets shit done. He kills that fish.

It's so fucking funny because he, first of all, he captures this fish in a sack way too easily. I need to see him struggling around in this pond trying to get this thing. But he gets it and he picks it up and I'm like, all right, you got this fish here. You know, it's like some spirit or whatever and you're going to kill it. Please beat it against a rock. You have it in a bag. No, no, no, no, no, no. Full Kevin Klein.

Yes, that's his thing. Eat it from head to toe. And instead he just tries to drown it. No, he puts it in a sack and beats it to death? No, he stabs it. No, he stabs it. In a sack. I thought he was punching it.

Full disclosure, I didn't watch this part of the movie. And the dude from Iron Man's like, even though he's a fireperson, he's supposed to be bad. He's like, oh, that you can't do that to the moon. You can't stab the moon, man. To the moon, fire people! And the moon turns red, which is bad. I mean, like, you almost never want the moon. Red e. Bad moon rising.

That's right. That's right. David turns into a werewolf. And, uh, I mean, but like, so like, he killed. He kills it. And then, like, he creates fire out of nothing that scares off Oz of Monveh. Right. And that's actually...

That is the most random ADR line of dialogue in this movie is dude from Iron Man is just ejaculating fire out of his coat sleeves. And some random ADR that was recorded months after this movie was shot just... Hey, it's like coming fire. It's just bellows. He's making fire out of nothing. I've seen better reenactments on fucking unsolved mysteries You fucking idiots, don't get it In case you don't notice what's happening out of that motherfucker's arm

They should cut to M. Night Shyamalan in a recording studio on a bench I'm by the way at this point in the movie I kind of I filmed the movie without knowing if you knew everything So at this point he's making fire on his own Which is pretty impressive I'm just you know it's pretty different You know when we get the book three This is going to be so huge

It's going to be so huge, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, just sit through book one. Book two is going to be a little iffy, but book three, forget about it. Were there books? I know it's a TV show. No, it was just a TV show. So we're just saying books for... Setting up a four or five movie franchise.

It's as if you're in the future and you found the book of water. That's stupid. So white-haired girl is like, hey, I've been in the movie for five minutes. let me meaningfully sacrifice my life. Sure. And dead eyes is like, don't do that. That would make me sad.

But no, my boner. I'll never get to fuck the moon. Oh, Mary, bring the moon down. I'll fuck it for you. Oh, fuck this moon's brains out, Mary, right in front of you, right here in all the Pottersville to see. I'll take that condom and I'd stretch it out.

I'd put it right on there and I'd fuck the moon. So she's like, oh, by the way, Her explanation for why she has white hair And she's like, oh, hey, so it turned out I was still born And then the moon came down and blew on me a little bit And life came into me and I got white hair So she's like, like Steve said I've been in the movie for a criminally low amount of time

Like let's commit suicide and save the day And she's like, all right, everybody, the moon gave me life Now it's time for me to save humanity The moon give it the moon take it the way Totally and dead eyes is just crying all about it Him and his fucking ponytail. Who could know? I mean, this kid could be watching a fucking basketball game.

He's just like, uh-huh, uh-huh. Yeah, you'll be dead soon, huh? All right, cool. All right. So she, like, lays down in this pond and all the dye goes out of her hair. And I guess back into that fish. And you know what, dude, Ossef Monvee? If you're going to kill the moon, take that fucking fish as a trophy, you got to mount that thing.

Totally. Don't leave it back in bass. Yeah, exactly. And that over there, that's the moon. I killed it. Hey, you know, there's no moon? That's that's right there. It sings, I love earthbending by...

Cut its fucking head off. Yeah, also, you need to fillet that shit and eat it. Oh, my God, eat the moon. Imagine the powers you would get. Dude, man, imagine the cheese. Totally, all those cheese farts you get. Is that a cheese fish? Is this like a...

One of those things called the golden fishes? Goldfish. Goldfish. I was literally just eating some before we went on the air. You ate the moon. Did I ever? So she's dead. And the life goes back into that fish.

and I guess like the world goes back on its axis. Like, it's just, things like kind of go askew for a moment. Everything goes red. And then Aung learns, like, basically that he needs to, like, the dragon comes out. I was like, hey, kid, how's it going? He's like, yeah, where have you been? I don't worry about it. By the way, your whole power is a emotion-based.

You got to let the emotions flow, you know what I mean? It's time to come down from the trip, my little brother. Time to come down from the trip. You are both doing impressions of Dr. teeth from the muffins. It's the same guy. Well, this is great, this is great part where he gets there.

He's like, I need to meditate. Hey, is there? He goes to like, one of the water people was like, is there a place I could meditate? Which is kind of like, yo man, is there a cool place I can light this?

Yeah, do you guys just get out of the way and just light this very quick. I'll tell you what, this is a place where we put the moon spirit. Oh, man. The whole town was built. All right, brother. Yeah, you're in a room

with your family. You're comfortable. You don't just know, just know. Come on. down from it. All right, man. You just listen to my voice, listen to the sound of your breath. Also, I'm going to put on this tape of original

Charles Manson songs. And also, do not pay attention to your little friend in the water O.D. We'll just say she gave herself up to the moon, man. We're going to eventually all do it, man. Hey, brother, take this orange slice. It'll bring you right back.

You'll leave this plane different ways, brother. That was her ride. buy a ticket take the right she bought the ticket man she chose to check out brother it's good time to check out she she she went the seaway but look look little brother she's in that fish baby and that fish that fish that fish is the moon our life sources connect it's all connected man now now can you drown an army an entire army oh and by the way when you when you fully and

activate the water power inside of you, brother. You're going to pee a little bit. That's normal. Everybody pees a little bit. Everybody does. I'm peeing a little bit right now. Just talking to you about it. Nothing to be embarrassed about, man.

On your first time, you will definitely pee a little bit. Your parents, your monks, your dragons, they're not going to tell you this. Why do you think we're all wearing these flowing robes, man? A couple of layers, you're going to pee a little bit. You're not going to worry about it. So, yeah. So he does. He does this huge

tidal wave that I don't think does anything. Well, because he can't kill anybody. He can't. That's what the dragon told him. The idea is it scares

everybody. Like, oh my God, let's retreat. This is why you don't make serious-ish stuff like this for children.

Exactly. Because you're just edging the whole time. Yes. Like kill these fucking things. Don't make a wall of water and then don't drop it

on that armada, man. Somebody who does get killed, Asif Monvi. Again, why is my favorite character. Only, only good thing about this movie.

And what's amazing is what happens is it's Dev Patel and dude from Iron Man and they're on a bridge with Asif Manvi and the dude from Iron Man's like, you know what man? It sucks to be alone. And the two of them walk away. Cut to these four white water

guys come out. Four water brothers for four water brides. Totally. Ready to go. Oh yeah. And they just put them in this big water bubble. and, like, they drop him. Well, no, he drowned. They drowned him in air.

You know what? And here's the thing. I need to see that dude choking in that computer bubble. He needs to be like Kurt Russell and Poseidon with that shit. Because otherwise, it's just a fall. I guess I'm assuming because they didn't put, like, a little trickle of blood from him landing. Right. Like, I feel like they would have to.

Oh, so you're saying, like, SVU rules, he was dead or like a T.J. Hooker thing. Like, he was dead before they threw him off. the water bubble. I'm sure in the next one, they're going to give them a whole new suit in like a brilliant apparatus. The next one,

your delusionable bookup. When you see the next, all right, guys, when you buy the movie, you're going to get a ticket to the next avatar movie. Book to air.

Is he, get ready for him? Is he the only director who's the perpetrator of not one but two fucking failed franchises? Apparently he is Unbreakable.

He said that I'm going to do unbreakable, man. Yeah, you know what? I'll believe it when my fat asses in the theater. So, yeah. So, Asif Manvi's dead, I guess. But honestly, like, I was expecting him to, like, hiccup some water out at the end of the evening. No, he's dead.

They do mention that he was destroyed or defeated or whatever we use in kids' language that means dead. So they're like, vanquished. It's one of those things, yeah. They're not like, oh, he was fucking laid out ice cold on that bridge. He was a slab of meat, man. Totally. He broke up. That's actually, you need.

All right. You got to go. Listen, I. Hey, little brother. Hang out, little brother, calm dad. Listen, I know you're coming down right now, but you got to go to the earth village because there's a lot of dead bodies

and a lot of federalis are going to be asking questions. And you don't want to be around here, man. Like, I'm not trying to freak you out. Your journey is your journey, but you don't want to spend the rest of it in a clink, right? You got to get going. You know what? A little brother, second thought on all this.

Why don't you go back to that graveyard you used to live in with all them dead genocide? inflicted air benders. I'm going to leave you with this one ma'bred. And you use this when you need it. But only one. And a little joint for later, but that's just going to get you to go to sleep. That's when you've got to come down from all this, brother.

It's on the condition that you're going to give me Fat Corr's number, all right? Because I need to get back home. Oh, man. Oh, dude. I want to take a bathtub. be in fat core the other day man we were just getting kind of ripped watching season one a star trek that shit'll get you where you want to go man you're on your own journey me and fat core are going to be over here watching tv i'll never say that fat core isn't a wealth of good

ideas brother because after we finished one episode he was like hey man let's light one and sit out on the patio and listen to sublime and i was like hey fat core that's a great idea and you know what 40 minutes later, Papa John showed up. I didn't even see him order it, but he did. That guy is a co-pilot. Me and Fat Cor, man, we spent the rest of that afternoon drinking garlic butter sauce. That core is the only one who never laughed at me when I said I wanted to go to Burning Man. I'm now imagining Fat Cor wearing a Hawaiian shirt in this scenario.

Headband. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Oh, yeah, man. Fat-Corps and the Dragon coming this summer. He's got a t-shirt that just says Orange County, CA, 19. It says, and then E.S.T. 1997. I just kind of imagine him as Rover Hendricks. Yes, yeah, a little bit.

That's a sequel I didn't know I needed. So the thing is, so the movie kind of ends. They're like, oh, we're going to go on. But the last scene, the gall of this last scene. Like, you know, there are a sequel set-up scenes. Oh, God. You're not going to believe this. But literally the movie just doesn't want to end.

And it's Cliff Curtis talking to some lady and he's like, well, your brother failed me, but you won't because you're the good one that we kind of talked about this whole movie. And by the way, there's this comet coming and when this comet comes, I'll have extra power. And by the way, my movie, goodbye. In three years.

So it's like, as long as it might take to get this movie made. But don't they say somewhere in this movie that the sister is dead? No, Dev Patel goes on a fucking Dr. Phil rant and is like, my sister. was the better one and my dad liked her more than me.

She was the better one and now I'm going to prove myself to him. Can't believe he won a BAFTA. Well, there's this thing where like, it's another one of the scenes where the uncle is like, dude, a lot of pretty girls here. And he's like, I'm fucking gay, uncle. Can we just move on? Can you figure it out? You've been traveling with me for fucking 10 months. I am gay and it's fine.

But so I guess like if you watch this cartoon, you're hip to this. character and you're like a thano situation it is you're like fuck yeah here's here's fire goblin sister fucking finally yeah again not not anybody big no that's that's a thing if you're going to do a reveal like this yep michael shannon's got to play it oh man michael shannon in a wig oh man but he's got like that nocturnal animals mustache oh yeah totally and that nocturnal animal's cowboy

him. It's just that character. But it's a girl. Yeah. He's got yeah, yeah. It's just, and it's like also what's stupid is, it's not like Thanos where like these Marvel movies they're like, right Thanos? And he goes and that's the end of it.

It's like this scene with Cliff Curtis and this girl and they're going back and forth and you're just, you're, you're focused on this girl for like at least 30 seconds. She's giving like a terrible devilish looking smile. Yeah. Like can't wait for my sinister debut in the next one.

Like, it's no surprise because it's like, a surprise, and then it keeps going. And it's like, maybe you want to be, maybe you cut back to her defeating somebody at something. Or maybe she comes in with her brother at that end scene to do something. Sure. So that her presence means anything to me. And the second to last line of this movie is exposition because there's been exposition the whole time. This movie's been telling you what's it about every single step of the way. And things you couldn't even, you couldn't even possibly give a shit about.

Like, such shit, like this fucking asshole who you heard one line from his father, boy, howdy. If you had heard what he did, fuck, man. And then it's just, it's credits and it's, you're not going to believe this. The franchise is coming. Oh, don't worry. Nope, Nickelodeon canceled that. Well, Wikipedia said that. Night was still working on this in quotes

as of like 2015. That's the James Cameron excuse. I'll believe it when I see it. Well, so you wait 10 years? So what, in 2020? We're going to get this next one. This kid's fucking 28 years old. I kind of like that Shama, like he's got, he's had two hits

now by doing the indie thing. And I really hope he doesn't go back. That was a lesson to be learned. What was the other one? The visit did very well. The visit did well. I mean, because like, because those are Shammalon movies. Yeah, those are what he's supposed to be doing. You know, that's, he's a horrory guy.

He's doing the Tales from the Crip thing on TNT. I think these are all gold. Go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What? He's doing, he's in, he's in charge of the new Tales from the Crip. There's a new tale. Well, soon enough. But wait a second.

On TNT. They're bringing back Tales from the Crip. That's the end of his journey, brother. And he's going to do, like, the first couple episodes. He's doing the voice of the Cryptiever? No, but they are. bringing him back. I think the same one. I don't think they're revamping it.

John Casier, of course, is ready to go to do the Cripkeeper again. Another tale of death and depravity. Ah, here's a pun. I really hope he doesn't do the Ben Affleck and like try to make, try to go big movies where he directs and stars in them. Or like go just go big budget

again. Like I just don't think he knows how to do it. Oh, sure. No, it's terrible. Yeah. I mean, that's the end of this movie. Sure. No one's going to recommend it. I wouldn't. This isn't, I mean, it's like so not even a hangover movie. Please just stay away from it.

I mean, it's less than two. Devil's Advocate. Sure. And it's not a good movie. You shouldn't watch it. Mihal. Devil's advocate's less than two hours. I do think Assef Monvee is doing fun stuff in this movie.

A thousand pancakes. There's got to be a clip real on YouTube or something. Yeah. No, I mean, there's nothing to see. I mean, there's just literally. it along folks yeah no exactly i mean it's like if you like that cartoon man odds are you've already watched this and we're disappointed if you really want to get angry i imagine watch this it was a real i mean it was a real struggle for me to watch this movie like we just did tango

and cash last week and like that's fun it's it's terrible but it's fun and it's like a movie i'm like all right i'm watching a movie things keep moving in that movie yeah things keep on going on we're not stopping at the ice village nothing works in this you have Nothing. People are talking for so long. It's painful to watch. If I wasn't obligated for this, for this appearance. And I wouldn't have watched it.

I would have never watched this again, if not for this show. I can't believe you've seen it twice now. It's bad. Ditto. Well, thanks a lot to. You guys were excited to watch it, right? The first time. What's that?

Were they excited to watch? Well, because I heard how bad it was. So I had a morbid curiosity. Yeah, okay. I like bad movies, Eric. that's kind of my thing. Did either of you go and see it in the theater? I did, yes.

Whoa! That is a supreme waste of money. $20 for one, please. Did you see it in 3D actually? No, no. Oh, that's all right, though. Oh, that's right, this was in 3D probably, right? It was.

You look up the poster and it's just $16. Yeah, totally. This shit in 3D. You go watch As of Manvi drown in 3D. That's not half bad. Check that one off the bucket. list. Hey man, if you're going to go, you better go in 3D. It's kind of worth it.

But just take two of these first. That's the last airbender from 2010 directed by Mnight Sharmelon. Thanks to, uh, who was it? Zach. Zach. Zachary in Mississippi. Thank you for calling that one in and to all the other

people, honestly. I mean, we just, we just picked a call. Yeah, but yeah. Oh, okay. I think you meant all the people that called, but yes, there were multiple callers for this movie. Yes. But also all the people that called. I think, and I think it was, it was requested in past. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

People have been asking for this one for a while. We finally got the Russian roulette bullet. I don't know. Now that we're doing this lottery, I don't know how we didn't do Cool World. I mean, it's, 29% of that bucket on Facebook Live was Cool World. We'll just have to do it as an episode. I guess I'm just dedicated to everyone that called it in. And that's a movie that I vowed I'd never.

watch again the first time I watched it, which was recently, within the last like three years or so. So, listening to Request Month does indeed roll on what's coming up next. Oh, Highlander 3. Yeah, this is exciting. Get your punch cards out.

It's a recommend. This is actually not joking. Right out of the gate recommend. Well, I'm not joking. This is the second best Highlander movie. Wow. That is mild praise. The second most moral person in the Trump administration.

If you want more we hate movies, check out WHMpodcast.com or find us over at the HeadGum Network. Like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter. We are at WHM Podcast and of course right into the mailbag. We all hate movies at gmail.com. Rate and review wherever you get us. We would greatly

appreciate it. Atlanta, April 13th, we are at the punchline. Portland, June the 24th. We are at Mississippi Studios. title TBD. We're thinking about it. Yeah, just knocking a couple things around, you know.

We'll figure it out. Like we said, next week is indeed Highlander 3. And I just remember the detail about Highlander 3. Back when we did Highlander 2, I was like, cool, all these movies are on Hulu. And I watched Highlander 3. I remember nothing about that movie. And that was mere months ago that we did that. Are they still on there?

I mean, I don't know. I mean, what bastard would take them down? You leave classics like that up as long as possible. I would hope. The BAFTA award-winning Highlander. So until next week with the BAFTA award-winning Highlander 3, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Seda.

Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. Take it easy. That was a hate gum podcast.