We Hate Movies - S7 Ep296: Episode 296 - Sidekicks

Episode Date: April 11, 2017

On this week's episode, the gang finally gets around to talking about a Chuck Norris movie, and what better way to cut the red ribbon on this guy than ragging on the ridiculous Sidekicks?! What's with all these deranged fantasies Brandis's character keeps having? Why is Mako's character constantly pretending he's drunk? And did Ralph Macchio and the rest of the Karate Kid cast & crew have a case against this film? PLUS: Living gods, Dan Lauria and Brian Dennehy, fight to the death! Sidekicks stars Chuck Norris, Jonathan Brandis, Beau Bridges, Julia Nickson, Mako, Joe Piscopo, Danica McKellar, Gerrit Graham, and Richard Moll; directed by Aaron Norris, brother of Chuck Norris.Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Uh, now on today's program, uh, welcome to the show, finally, Sir Chuck Norris. This is sidekicks. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Zedach. Eric Siskin. Chris Cabin. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies.

Thank you for tuning in to our fine program, as always. If you're checking us out for the first time, hey, thanks a lot for giving us a spin. Also, you look pretty good, too. You do look pretty good. I like that. This is Sidekicks from 1992, directed by brother of Chuck Norris, Aaron Norris. This is him and Jonathan Brandis, rest in peace. and it's a really boring karate kid knockoff is what this movie is.

It's a really exciting karate kid now. Dude, you are so easily excited these days. I am. What a boring piece of shit. The nostalgia might be clouding Eric's person. I mean, how many times? Have you seen this movie before, Chris? Oh, yes.

Plenty. Oh, yeah. We're going to be the big numbers in the room, I think. The big numbers in the room. I've seen this tons and tons of times. Probably like 30. Yeah, I'm in that area. It was on TV.

nonstop. And when we were like getting ready to do this episode, I was like, you know what? Might be time to pick up the Blu-ray. Oh, you know? Did you do it? Did you do it? I looked for it. And dude, not on Blu-ray, not on DVD. It's like fucking hard to find. And then I watched the movie. I'm like, they're leaving money on the table. And then I watched the movie. I'm like, oh, it's full of slurs. It's wall-to-wall slurs. This is one of the most racist kids movies I've ever seen it's tough oh i'm sorry i i wasn't paying attention i was having a fantasy about killing you all with chuck norris oh my god i'm sorry that that just took the entire opening are oh are we recommending right now i recommend it wait wait wait wait were you got him chucked wait wait

were you code of silence chuck norris or were you missing in action chuck norris in this one yeah i was missing an action chuck norris uh he painted the walls with erics god what a loser is that stevie weary loser loser you're a Loser. So this movie is about a mentally deranged child. Well, he's got an invisible friend named Chuck Norris, which I assume is short for Charles. No, actually, it's George. Carlos.

Are you shitting? Carlos Norris? Carlos Norris, pretty fucking badass. That's pretty cool. That is really cool. But it's too bad that since he's, you know, a Texan, he can't go by that legally. Oh, no. They build a wall around him.

Ted Cruz would kill him in the street. I just like the idea of building a wall around Chuck Norris. Well, now I'm getting stuck in a wall. Hey, Barry, only you can get me out of this wall. Oh, my God. Hey, Barry. Hey, Barry. Hey, Barry.

You're the best, Barry. Hey, Barry, you're probably going to get laid tonight. Hey, Barry, you know how to use that shotgun, right? Hey, Barry. Hey, Barry, you know, uh, nice trick with that shotgun is you can pull the trigger with your toe when you kill yourself. It gets pretty creative. Now, oh, poor Barry. Now, here's the thing. I...

Oh, wait, that's insensitive because the actor doesn't kill himself. Yeah, we should get that out of the way. We are worried about Jonathan Brandis. Jonathan Brandis hung himself, so my shotgun to the head joke was fine. You're fine, Eric. Yes, you're cleared. Listen, for the record, nowhere in this 90-odd minutes are we making fun of the fact that Jonathan Brandis took his own life.

Put your fucking tweet away. We're aware that he committed suicide. That is precisely why we scrapped that Ladybug's episode. No, that's a state tune That episode's weird I wish I was watching Ladybugs That movie is weird Hey kid, grows up like a little girl

Oh wait, now you're kind of hot Dude man you think they're partying in heaven I do think that Rodney's got all the little umbrella drinks Ready to go Now here's the thing I've seen this movie 30 times minus 29 Okay

And I had no I can't believe you fucking dodged it Because listen this is this is crazy Like I just I never outside of, I've seen an obscene amount of Walker, Texas Ranger for some reason. Really? Yeah. Not one. Really?

I've gotten away with it. It turns out you're totally fine. Great. But I, aside from like his appearance in Expendables 2, I don't think I've ever seen the Chuck Really? I haven't either. I don't know. I saw this movie in theaters, by the way,

and I saw this bunch growing up as a kid. The weird thing is this worked as an effective piece of Chuck Norris propaganda because I literally watched that movie and I was like, well, he's the biggest star in the world? Like, I mean, clearly the guy's huge. I mean, you watch sidekicks. That kid's going crazy about it.

They made a whole movie about it. I didn't know he was walking around like that for years. For people a little older than us, I think he was more of a big deal. You know, because there was so many movies. I think his era was like 87. Right. 87 was big for him. If you were 17 or 16 or whatever,

going to the movies in 1986. You wouldn't have seen sidekicks, though. No, but you would have sent, like, what was that? USA Undersea or something like that. Invasion, USA, that's what it is. Which is boring as sin. All of his movies are boring. Delta is fucking impossible to watch.

Missing an action. And someone say Delta Farce? Oh, no, I'll show myself out. He's too dumb to realize that's what it was a parody of. It was joking around with that title. I thought it was far. DELTA farts. Oh, no, we better build a wall around Chuck Norris.

He's going to get out, Carlos Norris. Oh, man, he's going to hit me in the face with a delta fart. Oh, man. Maybe Larry, the cable guy would think he's like Carlos Mencia. Oh, no, he's going to steal my jokes. Carlos Norris is going to steal my act. Well, no, it was, I mean, it's so weird because I obviously am aware of Chuck Norris. I've heard of a ton of these movies.

He was a Bruce Lee movie. I think I've seen that. The way of the dragon. Enter the dragon, no? Or no, no, no. I think it was a... He's not an end of a dragon. But, like, I was always...

I've known what this movie is for years, but I just thought it was a movie about Chuck Norris and Jonathan Brande's doing things. So when the opening credits come up, and it just says Chuck Norris as himself, I was like, wait, what? Hang on, wait, what? Wait, wait, this movie just got better.

I was so fucking confused. And then when that first dream sequence hits, I was like, oh, this is the dumbest thing alive. I mean, the movies, we got a fake opening. We've got a fake movie opening where it's... There's nine fake movies in this movie. Well, the weird thing is he's... It's one thing to be like, you know,

I'm fantasizing about being Chuck Norris's sidekick. I'm deranged. That's what I do. That's my thing. But he's always fantasizing about his teacher... Oh, yep. In sexual peril. Yes, that is a big one.

He's a young boy. Yeah. He's not nearly angry enough at Bo Bridges hanging out with her, though. Where's that... jealousy angle. I think it's like he's living, like, his father's packer is now like an extension of his own. That's a belief this man has, you think? Well, like, it's like, like, if you're Chris Cabin and your father's

banging your teacher that you wanted to bang, you're like, well, at least a cabin got her. That's kind of like that George Burns movie we did a hundred years ago. Oh, right. 18 again. This first thing's like there's a cult sacrifice going on. Like, this is how the movie opens. Bill feudal Japan or something. This woman is tied to a thing like Faye Ray and King Kong. Dude, the music in this sequence, holy shit. The music in this entire movie is downright rotten. The appropriation

going on everywhere in this white kid's brain, you can keep me right out of it. I think this is like the apex of white guy karate movies. Well, because Chuck Norris is the Marlon Brando of white guy karate. He's the master.

Yeah, I could have been a contender in that karate tournament. Hey, Barry. Oh, poor Barry, man. Get the butter. Oh, no. No, it had to happen really quickly. Wow. Yeah, so, like, this dude, and, like, it's kind of funny because they're all wearing,

they look like, what's the white ninja in those shitty G.I. Joe movies. Oh, it's not sick. Snowstorm, Snow Shadow. Snowden. Yeah, maybe Snowden. Edward Snowden. Hi, I'm a white ninja. Snow the rapper.

Oh, that's weird. This is a back entry through a tour browser. or W slash backkick. Do you really have to be dressed up for this? Greg Greenwald's like, oh, you want to take that up? No, it's fine.

I want to hide my identity. Subrute. Numbchuk. Oh, wait, that's why he went to Russia because you can just hide in the snow. That's right. He went to work with Cobra like Snow Shadow does.

Oh, yeah. But it's so funny because he's wearing like this entire like white uniform with like white body arm. armor and a white helmet where you can't see anything of his face. And I'm like, wow, look at this person kicking ass and saving this woman. And then it's just like, you know, of course there's like gong sound effects all over the place. And then you just hear like, oh, hey there, ma'am, you appear to be in trouble.

I'll save you. And I was like, oh, that's Chuck Norris under there. I'm just going to finish this nice peanut butter and jelly sandwich I have here that I've clearly, it's a milk toast white man. I've brought here for, and we're going to finish this. It's kind of amazing. Like, Chuck Norris has out-acted in this movie by everybody. Everybody.

Yeah, everybody. There's a plank of wood does fucking phenomenal line. Oh, it's the Marlon Brando of Planks of Wood. It's amazing that Chuck Norris became such a star. Yeah. Well, it says something that other than the canon movies, I can't remember a name of a movie. He's been in, I remember him being in movies. Yeah.

In general, and spin kick and doing the whole thing. But a lot of his movies were canon, I think. Yeah. Well, there was, they signed. him. He was like one of their guys for a while. That's amazing. It's like the studio system. I think that's the most I've seen of Chuck Norris movies

is watching that documentary on canon films. Which is great. It's all. It's amazing. And I feel like he goes up to Dutikoff and he's like, hey man, just stay the fuck off my corner. Back off, brother. You got a spin cut to death. I get three. You get one. I think Dutikoff movies might be more watchable. Is that right?

Dudeikoff? Yeah. That's it. Oh, Michael Dutikov, I know you're listening. I bet that just made your day. Is he dead? No, he's alive. He might wish elsewise, but by the time this airs, he's probably been deceased. Possible. They would Farina do to call.

Oh, they would totally for me to call. They wouldn't consider him even a part of the entertainment industry. I don't think he's at Discrete Actors Guild. He's in the Karate Act. Yeah, I don't think that's a big difference. I don't even think he's notified the day of. He's in Kagg, not SAG. Oh, man, let's shoot up some Kag.

So Barry is having this really elaborate fantasy He wakes up with a huge boner in the middle of class And he starts fucking working on it When he starts talking He's like Chuck get him Chuck In the middle of class Barry remember to show your work Take out your dick

And show it But that's the important thing That's what you said is wrong He doesn't wake up He's never sleeping when this happens No he's very rarely That's the problem He should be sleeping

and be like and like, no, it's him. He's staring out into the audience. Well, because he's derained. And he's muttering himself. Chuck, I got you, Chuck. I'm going to do it, Chuck. Maybe he's really high.

Oh, maybe. He's smoking up. He's one of the opioids, maybe. Yeah, I was going to say, wait, what is he smoking? Because Jesus Christ. He's smoking everything. If that was true, I'd be fucking seeing all sorts of stuff. Wait, you're not seeing shit.

He's smoking weed and Chuck. He's just like, oh, Barry. Oh, come on, Barry. Barry, don't you know what Reagan said about that? Winners don't do that, Barry? Winners do not do that. This class is laughing at it. Of course.

They are right to laugh at this kid. Oh, absolutely. Everybody but Winnie is like having a riot. Danica McKellar in this movie is the love interest. You refer to her as Winnie, which is her Christian name in... Wonder Years. Yes. Thank you.

Well, that's because the whole time he's like, so this is when he is his love interest. And the whole time I was just thinking about in the hallway, just like a jealous Fred Savage watching this hall from afar. Get your aunt arms off my girl. Hey, there, stupid daydream, kid. Hey, Winnie, what were you talking about? Hey, Winnie, what were you talking about with that nerd? Man. I'm going to beat you up my Jets jacket.

Oh, and, wait, they also shared a father. Bo Bridges and the Wizard. Oh, right. And Liz, get away from my dad. Oh, now it appears Fred Savage is the one who is deranged. He was my dad first. Stealing my family. You're number two.

You're the under son. Christian Slater has to always kick him out of his car. What are you doing following me? What's funny, though, is that, like, you don't... I was piecing this together because, again, first time I'm seeing this movie. And it's like, here's this teacher, Noreen, or whatever her name is. And you're like, oh, oh, you were the kidnap bait from that fantasy. Oh, gross.

Oh, Barry gross. The one thing about the fantasies is like, and it gets, it becomes more prominent throughout the movie is like all Chuck Norris movies are like rated R. They're violent. There's cocaine. Sure. Everyone's getting killed. We're telling a lot of racist stories from Vietnam. And but all these are like every time somebody gets kicked is like a boy yo yo yo yo-yo-y-soing sound.

And we're firing guns on a lot of these things, but it's like, I'm going to shoot that light fixture and the ceiling's going to fall on people. If you're really fantasizing about Chuck Norris movies, you are fucking painting the walls with blood. Squibs on squibs on squibs. Yes, exactly. When I fantasize about Chuck Norris, like I said,

we're decapitating each other. Oh, totally. Cutting dicks off. It's cartoonish elements. You know, he's like watching, you know, Tom and Jerry or something, and he's mixing that with Chuck Norris. I have fantasies where I'm eaten by Chuck Norris.

Steve is a giant cake, and Chuck Norris eats him. I mean, and all he says, all he keeps saying is, gee, it's not even my birthday. Let me blow out the candles. Crunch. Oh, dude. Don't come around here no more. Dude, Steve, you even saying that, that just gives me a nightmare. I would have a Tom Petty nightmare today.

I have Tom Petty nightmares almost every night. Well, here's the thing. And one thing you definitely need in your Chuck Norris fantasies is a thick passion mullet. Yeah. It's like that thing. And he does. Brandis gets one in the last fantasy series. Yeah.

He graduates to it. The teacher has a great line here because, you know, he's like Jonathan Brandis as this, this Barry says something about like, oh, I guess I was dreaming. And the teacher goes, uh, there's no dreams in school. Burry? And I was like, what a thing for a teacher to say. Shoot that shit right down. Well, they always say like, oh, he's a dreamer. Like, she

has a meeting with Bo Bridges and he's like, yeah, you know, I'm doing my best with this kid. And he's doing, playing this role really earnestly. Yeah, he really loves sitting at home with his quote, videos and karate games. Bo Bridges, who looks like he just got done driving his car into a tree. Like some dog ate his home. He's had a rough

morning. Bo Bridges got caught in the rain for four weeks straight. He's very much like a George McFly archetype. He's like the loser dad that, you know, that's another reason why he has to escape with Chuck Norris is that his father is like is the antithesis of Chuck Norris. Right. In every way it's possible. Oh, he's a black guy?

Oh, no. He's a computer program. Wait, he's named Carlos. No, like I really, I thought of him more of as a Willie Loman type. Yeah. Oh, yeah. At the end of it all. What I mean is he's a loser.

Sure. So, yeah, and Chuck Norris is a winner. Amanda's got a piece of fruit, Chuck. Oh, God. You can't just throw the rindaway, Chuck. Yes, I can, Barry. Watch me, Barry. Fruit is very good for you, Barry.

Barry. The weird thing is they say, like, they're like, oh, he's a dream. Like, in this meeting, they're like, well, he's a dreamer, and, you know, Einstein was a dreamer. Gandhi was a dream. And, like, yes, yes. Is that what he said? And like, yeah. Gandhi wasn't imagining he was, you know, karate kicking people.

How do you know? Dude, that's why he didn't need, that's why he did civil disobedience. That's why he didn't have to fight. That's how he tuned it all out. He pretended he was in Chuck Norris movies. Exactly. Dude, what do you think that hunger strike was all about? He just kept pretending he was in Chuck Norris movies.

That was his secret place in his mind palace. His mind palace. Exactly. It's just him. It's Gandhi and Chuck Norris eating hamburgers. What a great hamburger eating contest, Gandhi. He's like, oh, I said, this is what I'm missing in the real world. These hamburgers are quite good.

But he's so nonviolent that he's actually imagining being in sidekicks. Yeah. Where he has to do almost nothing. So she's like, hey man, why don't you try to pay attention to his interests what with the videos and karate games? Yeah. So cut to we're going to sign him up for karate lessons because, you know, sure. You do, yeah, sure. But he picked the worst dojo in this Texas town,

which you don't find out it's Texas to like the last five minutes of the movie. Joe Piscoposed is always on the bottom of the list. I don't care where you are. This is on the Barry family, whatever their last name is. Oh, it's something Polish. It's a hard Polish name. The widowed McNultons. Gabraski's or whatever.

Hey, wait a second. That's something. So Barry's mother, they don't say dead, but the teacher at one point asks about Bridges, like, how long has she been gone? I'm missing. Do you think... After that boat ride, God. We went on that fishing trip.

No, no, no, no. This isn't on to what I'm putting down. I think Jonathan Brent has murdered the mother. Oh, shit. Because he's fucking crazy. And, like, to get those thoughts out of his head, he has to imagine a fantasy world. Like, whenever he thinks about how he killed his mother, it just pops to Chuck Norris, being like, you're a good boy, Barry.

Let's get through this. Don't remember how you would meet. murdered your mother she looked like Lee Marvin at that moment you had to cut her head off I had my hands around her neck

Barry and you know what I you couldn't stop me I know you couldn't stop me at that moment River Barry it was me that got the erection not you that'll come in

that'll come in hand later so Joe Piscopo is the worst karate instructor of all time I feel but it's really the father's problem because he walks into this dojo during a class

and walks onto the mat yeah that's rude What the fuck? Like, you see a class is going out. You just don't show up somewhere and walk in. Like, even Brandis is like, yeah, why don't we hang back? And he's like, no, no, no.

Let me go talk to this man who's in the middle of giving a lesson. And I mean, like, the problem, I mean, the elephant in the room is this is basically just the karate kid, right? Like, this is, it's the karate kid if Ralph Machio had, like, visions of grandeur. Dumbed down significantly. Oh, so stupid. But the weird thing is, Karate Kid Part 3 came out at 89. This came out, what, 92?

It's the same administration. You can't have a rip off of a movie in the same administration. You've got to wait for a regime change. Yeah, the power exchange. Well, Barr, there's just way too many movies about kids overcompensating with karate. I told you, we got to free up the dojo's bar. Look what's happening here. You've got to deregulate this stuff.

By the way, there is a problem phrasing problem here up on bridges. You'll get that. When he's talking with Noreen, is it? Sure. Yes, yes, of course. this is a quote he says they're sidekicks and they do things together

yes i had that written that too that's a real fucking problem what do they do together can you lay it down chuck and buck by the way the actresses name is julia nixon you know who she's married to no starsky or hutch

one of one of the two get out of town yeah man she's doing all right that's not bad Soul or something? One of them, yeah. She's been on our movies, too. I've seen her before. She's been on TNG as well.

Oh, really? I went through her, oh, yeah. Her big movie was Rambo Part 2. Yes. That's right. That's right. That's right. A couple of Magnum PIs.

Oh, really? Well, see, man, you could just get television work in the 1980s. Yeah, you'll figure it out. Yeah, she's actually David's soul's wife. Oh, yeah? Yep. Which one was he? I believe.

was he Starsky or Hutch Huggy Bear? He was not Huggy Bear. Exactly. One person in our audience was screaming. Yeah, yep, yeah, while wearing their fucking Starsky and Hutch t-shirt. So, you know, screaming, Ben Stiller. Ben Stiller. Piscopo takes a meeting with them and Piscopo, as always, is acting at 11 or even 12. It's so inappropriate.

I want to send a postcard to Aaron Norris and just be like, you know, I know that this is like 25 years ago, but why on earth did you not ask Piss Capo to turn it down? Just a little bit. Just the tiniest bit would have made a world of difference. This is outrageous. I mean, he's just, think of it from this way. Like, if you are looking to, you know, possibly get another, like, karate pupil or whatever, like, you're a businessman. Yeah, yeah. You know, these people might want to take lessons from you and why.

whatnot. Like, he comes into this meeting, also screaming and yelling. Bo Bridges looks like an easy mark. It's like, oh, if your lessons cost $50 a piece, it's like $100 a piece or $200. Sure. Well, sure, Mr. Piscopo, absolutely. Mr. Piscopo, yeah, okay.

Well, I think his name is Kelly Stone. Yes, Mr. Stone. Mr. Stone. That's all I remember. And they're also, it's black and gold, too, as a very Cobra Chi S. Well, you could argue that this movie's kind of spoofing Karate Kid in a way.

A little bit sure, you know, like, like you look at who was that big hunk of man meat that played Oh gosh. Not William Zabker? No, the, uh, the, the, uh, the, John's something or other.

Yeah, John Crease. John Crease. I think that was the character name. He has a character name. I don't know that actor's done. But like, he's just doing like a spoof version. Yes. Yeah.

He's like totally nuts. I mean, it's, why? Why are we spoofing? Half of the dialogue is just him, wild grunting, which is why I imagine he took the fucking role. You know what the other half of his dialogue is? Joe Piscopo going and forgive me, but

he does some Asian face. Like a fucking washed up Mortal Kombat voice actor. I believe he's talking about maybe running for governor of New Jersey. He is. He's going to be, he's going to run as an independent. Dude, I thought you meant the character in the movie.

The character is more qualified. Piscopo IRL. Yeah. Well, look, he's a failed fucking Atlantic City businessman like it works all right he could be president one day

so oh man let me just that's it I got the counter when they when they started talking Trump click

click but no he I mean the best part is so Brandis is like and again Brandis doesn't know how to fucking talk to anybody

because he should be on Paxil he should be on a lot of stuff a lot of stuff and just calming himself down just to fucking a healthy dose of herb man

Barry no So he's like, oh, wow, you're really good. You're almost as good as Chuck Norris. And then this makes Piscopal lose it. And he's like, I kick his ass. I kick his ass. He doesn't compete anymore.

You know why? Because I kick his ass. Kick his ass. And here's the thing. This movie I found to be like watching paint dry. But you're crazy. I mean, you have to be. Look what we've been doing for seven years.

You've got to be a little crazy. But what I was entertaining myself with, I was having my own daydreams here because I was imagining the prequel in where the feud... Hey, Andrew, do you want to change the chat? I was like, oh, yeah, Joe Piscopo, let's change the channel. It was me and Joe Piscopo watching this movie, man. He was like, hey, Andrew, you want me to do Sinatra for you?

I was like, yeah, go ahead. Sing Sinatra in my failed nightclub. Ghostly scenes. Hey, Joe Piscopo got the Eddie Murphy stories during the second act. You know I do, Andrew. But I was imagine how cool the prequel be. you find out why Mr. Stone's got beef?

Because every time he brings up, I'll kick his, I was, that's the only time in this movie I was entertained. Yeah. I was imagining what Chuck Norris did to humiliate this bemulleted man, loved it. Yeah, it must have been about a woman. It could have been in Vietnam, possibly. Oh, they were war buddies, you think? Possibly.

Or enemies. I think Joe Piscoe fought for the Viet Cong. because there is one of these fantasy sequences where they do the Vietnam War Oh my God Jesus is embarrassing Joe Piscopal Oh man cheese

He's an Asian face They give him makeup to make his eyes Slampish too Dude I thought we were cut And do a fucking Charlie Chan movie From the 1930s It's outrageous It's breakfast at Tiffany's level bad

Man and listen That's a movie You can't screen theatrically What are you supposed to do Watch that movie and be like Oh man Look at those fucking teeth.

It's a significant portion of that movie. It's not like something you could just cut out. It's not a cameo. Wait, you're saying we can't do a phantom edit? Okay. If you want to, it's not going to make any sense. It's like taking Jar Jar Jar out, right? Sure.

And that would fix that movie right? It would be great. They cut him out and they put in like Ken Watanabe doing a really serious way of doing that character. I just edit it together. No, no, just edit in scenes from him in the last samurai. I mean, it would be less offensive. Letters to Iwo Jima.

Yes, yes, yes. I get less offensive. Or Batman begins fucking, why not? I think they forgot to cut this point. And now just someone's being burned with a flame throw her. It's just letters from Iwo Jima. Why is this in this? Just cuts to him at a fucking board meeting with Leonardo DiCaprio.

Talk about the next level he's got to. That would be, again, better than what Mickey Rooney is doing in that film. Oh, God. But the weird thing is so. Stay tuned for that movie. Yeah. The weird thing is. W.H.M. Classics.

I like that. John Barry is so deranged. Just because he meets this guy, it's a quick meeting in a strip mall karate club. Guaranteed strip ball. It's between a Chinese takeout restaurant and a Chinese buffet. And he has this quick interaction. This guy talks a little bit of shit about Chuck Norris. And he's like, oh, yeah, you're going to, now you're going to die a thousand deaths in my brain.

Because every single fantasy from that on is about Joe Piscuit. And he has nothing else to do in this movie until the end. So he's literally just like, I just hate him. I don't know. He's a mean adult. He represents everything that I hate. And this kid, by the way, is dressed like he's in the fucking trench coat mafia the entire time. Oh, yeah.

It's fatigues. Wait, hang on. Before we go, hang on a second. Younger listeners, before you start Googling that, maybe open a safe browser. Yeah. Why? Why? You don't want to get put on a list.

You never know. You never know. Dude, it's historical of this boy. It was historical for us. It was shocking because that was like a mass shooting. Kids today, that's just breathing oxygen. Yeah, unfortunately that's true. It's nonstop.

People get shot. You know, things happen. It sucks. I don't want anybody getting in trouble or going down any rabbit holes. I definitely don't Google that at school. That's not a great idea. Okay, I guess that's the tip I was looking for. Thank you, Steve.

Not NSFW, NSFS, I guess. Yeah, NSFS, yeah. Just on your own time. By the way, we ate movies. We actually got a letter from some kid who listened during study hall. Listen, we hate movies is also NSF everything. Yeah, exactly. So just don't listen to this show is what I'm saying.

Just don't listen. The Vietnamese thing we got into that was just really uncomfortable. At this point, Noreen is her name. She's like, oh, my uncle is coming. He's going to, I want him to take Barry under his wing. Well, do you know who she tells about the uncle visiting? No.

Oh, that's right. Scumbag teacher, but the chud himself, Garrett Graham. I love Gary Graham. Gary Graham is great. I honestly think when I was young, I was watching this movie. You wanted to be Garrett Graham. Not only that, but I was up, you know, this in Philadelphia Experiment 2 was a movie I watched. Of course.

I honestly thought, like, Garrett Graham is a great actor. He's in all the movies. Exactly. You don't have a 10-gallon hat, though. Hey, Eric, your parents are fighting again. I know, Garrett Graham. Okay, Garrett Graham, I'll help you design a way for a stealth fighter to go back in time to help the notes. How about some chopping mall, Eric?

How about that, buddies? Yes, yes, yes. I'm kind of a fun zombie, Eric. You like zombies who crack jokes, don't you? you. I guess. I'm scary and I can party, right, buddy? But no, I love, when I saw him, I because I haven't seen this in a long time. I was like, ooh, Garrett Graham. Doesn't it make you just jump up? I will always do that with Garrett Graham. I don't, he could pop up and, oh, Garrett Graham there. Yeah, he is again. Oh, and he was on the critic, right? He was. As the father.

Great role for Greg. Let's party with Baby 37. He's fantastic. He's great. Ask your grandparents about the critic. Yeah, good. He's not in this movie a lot And actually when the movie was over with I was like, what the hell happened to Garrett Graham? Because he's didn't like two scenes That's also the title of Garrett Graham's autobiography, by the way.

He's like really aggressively hitting on Noreen And he's being like racist And somebody needed to tell this movie that it was 1992. You know what I mean? No, Steve, they did. And 1992 was racist as fuck. It was sexist as fuck. And you could not be a gay person in this country.

I was like, Jesus Christ. was this movie written and directed by John Hughes? It's just like, because he's, he's like talking about like how, I don't even know, like he's like, oh, Orientals or this. Yeah, this was more like a milliest joint to me. Yeah. But then we cut to Mocko. I've learned his name is Mocko.

Yeah, thanks a lot, Twitter. Yeah, so Mocko is, you know, coming, he's smoking a cigar in a, or no, somebody in front of a dude in front of him. Some dude in front of smoking a cigar at the airport like you do in 1990. And you know what here? We haven't done this in a while. Smoked a good cigar. Well, yeah. Probably since your Bachelor party, Eric.

Yeah. Courtesy of Eric's brother, a lot of south of the border. Oh, yeah. Cigars. No, but I was going to say, we sort of like, just the way the show's grown, we sort of cut out the whole, like, audio from the movie. Okay, sure.

Yes. Here's a little bit of what we're about to talk about. May I help you? You can help everybody in this place. Tell that chink that douse that cigar. This is a public area. He's not supposed to be smoking that in here. Yes, of course, you're right.

Since we're all so similar, though, would you mind telling me which particular chink you're referring to? The keys are in front of you, Charlie. That dude's got problems. And, like, yeah, I know he's a bad guy. Like, sure, but he's a mouthpiece for somebody in the fucking screenwriting room, right? Or he's a mouthpiece for somebody in the fucking theater who's like, Fuck, yeah, that guy's got a point.

But Mocko, thank God, fucking, I guess, does a magic trick on it. Yeah. And puts this cigar in this dude's pocket. And then, see, here's what would have been great if this dude just burst into flames. How cool would that have been? That'd been great, man. I just love that they set his, they set his suit on fire. But then they have to add the extra dollop as the train is pulling away with Mocko.

He's like, oh, that's my favorite jacket. Yeah. And, like, the police are coming up. Like, this dude is fucked. Dude is so fucked. And they're like stomping on his jacket. It's pretty great. It's just crazy and it's nuts.

And it's followed up very quickly by another fucking almost hate crime because they go to, Mako's Japanese, the character's Chinese, we're just pretending that's fine. His Chinese restaurant that he just opened in town called the frying dragon. Oh, did it just open? Yeah. Oh, okay. The frying. That's where he's coming to America's too.

Oh, what's funny is it's Houston and he's coming to America to open a Chinese restaurant. And if you remember a previous film we did, pray for death. Yes. There was a Japanese dude coming to open a Japanese restaurant in Houston. Yeah, it didn't work out too well for his family. Listen, stay out of Texas. And that goes for white people too. It's a fucking nightmare.

Just abandon it, man. Put up a fucking abandoned sign on Texas. Just pick up Austin and move it someplace. Yes, that would be perfect. And you guys can keep the cowboys. So let's go giant! No. No, so

they're at his... Brandon Marshall, right, Steve? They're at his Chinese restaurant. He makes them all a nice dinner of Bo Bridges, Noreen, Brandis, and Mako are sitting down. And then, like, they go to do the dishes and they come back and these, like, psycho hillbilly bikers show up to do this late-night hate crime?

It's amazing. It's this biker gang consisting. Did you notice, by the way? It's the, I'm going to see it. guy from Suburban Commando and Son-in-Law? I recognize him. I didn't know where. Yeah. Son-in-law, I was, yeah.

We're going to see you. Well, there's this weird idea. It's the 90s. It was the 90s. We're going to see you. It was the 90s indeed. Well, it's this weird idea where, like, bullies exist in all forms of life, I guess. It's true, though, right?

I mean, that's kind of true. I mean, come on. People are fucking always giving me fucking shit. Every goddamn thing. They are relentless. I can't walk down the street in this town. Hey, Eric, this board. reading is pretty crazy. It's me, your friend

Garrett Graham. Snaps a pencil. Your boss gives you way too much work, Eric. I'm going to start doing that. It might make things a lot easier. Oh, no. These killer robots in this shopping wall are going out of control. Who's he talking to? Oh, this nobody

character actor from the 1980s. It's fun. Don't you call him a nobody. No, so there's this big stupid scene where Mocko comes out. He pretends to be drunk, which he does a couple of times in the movie. Does he? That's his move I think. It's like the drunken master

for the love of everything with this movie. And he like beats the shit out of everybody in a pretty cool scene. We get a the guy gets like a stealing fan to the head which it was kind of awesome. This is actually a good moment in this movie because like the dude gets up

and the ceiling fan is going so fast and it's like breaking off on this dude's head. It's a pretty good effect. Yeah. Oh yeah. It's great. I liked it. And now Maco's going to have replace that light fixture that's true he's down a lot of money i mean like all all of the food that they waste the chairs that get broken before

there's a good nerds damage in this scene there are absolutely quite a lot of it's what you want boiling cup of water that goes right into the nut zone uh right before this um you know attempted hate crime happens uh there's a moment uh with the teacher and jeff or uh bobridges where they're you know kind of having like a you know this is this is actually where This lady is begging him for it, and Bo Bridges can't figure it out. Well, he's still getting over the fact that his son murdered his wife. You know, Bob Bridges sent it in and figure it out.

But it's crazy because she's talking about how he's like, you know, so when did you grow up here, did your parents or whatever? So she says that her father came over here to, you know, start a life or something. This is where I was confused because I thought she was saying that the father started the rest of, Oh, maybe he did, yeah. And so then she says that, and eight years later, he sent for my mother to come from China, you know, to come to America and whatnot. And then so she, like, she says something else. And then she's like, you know, oh, and then my dad, he died. And then she says, then two years ago, he sent for her again.

Oh, yikes. Yeah. And it's like, oh, my dad sent a death notice to my mother and called her to the afterlife. Yeah. Maybe, well, maybe he got a job as the girl. Reaper. Oh, that could be. But then, like, Bo Bridge is just sitting there like,

how do I play this one? Hey, Chuck, what should I say? Does it look like I ate too much sweet and sour? Yeah, he did. So, um... Well, you know what this movie reminds me of I just realized? Oh, yeah. Is that played against Sam, that

Woody Allen movie? Oh, yeah. It totally is like that. That's right. Yeah, I can see that. How should I... Oh, hey, Bogey, what's going on? I should... I sure did love you in that one movie. advise me on my loved life. Oh, so, so, so, so Mako's like, all right, man, I'm going to start training you. Your first task is for the next week, you have to walk two miles to school instead of getting a ride with Bo Bridges.

By the way, he's asthmatic or he believes himself to be asmatic. Oh, is supposed to be psychosomatic? Well, everything is, right? The brain is just damaged. I think so because like that's later like he gets, he goes, when we'll get to it, he is like an asthma attack and the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the. doctor is like, oh, his lungs are healing beautifully. I don't think he has this problem at all. Oh, right. He's like, there's no scar tissue.

That's not much at all. Yeah, exactly. I don't think that's been going on for 13 years. I don't know that that necessarily means he doesn't have a form of asthma. It's just like, oh, he's not as bad as he might think he is or whatever. It can just be cured by karate. Oh, of course.

What? We're talking about sidekicks here. What can't be cured by karate? AIDS. Yeah, that's a big one. Well, I'd also say cancer. We'll see. We'll see. We got a crack team on that. So he starts walking to school, and now this is where things are getting really crazy, because now we hear voices in his head. Because he's narrating his own life, and it's like, the kid walked down the sidewalk and noticed his surroundings and all the potential victims walking in a psyche splitting in half here, right now. It's a real split situation here. You guys don't do that?

No. You know what, Eric? No, we don't. But yeah, it's demented. This is when I think he has the NOM flashback or not NOM flashback, but Not because the missing in action one happens twice. Oh, that's right. This is NOM again. And then there's the torture one with the gym teacher. That's good.

Well, he goes to gym class. We find out that he doesn't participate in Jim. He only sits down. He does. I've been there, man. Yeah. Oh, I've definitely been there. Those are the best days.

I got a fucking effing sitting. Figure that out. By the way, my biggest note of this seat, is the name of the school sports team or whatever. You better believe it. Lamar Redskins. Of course it's the Redskins. Why would this kids movie get any more fucking racist?

You can't blame that on 1992 because you can't blame that. It's still going on now. I'm not saying it's, yeah, but it's not that it's not racist. Oh, no, it is. But I'm just saying I can't blame it on 1990. You got the Washington Redskins. Yeah, sure. I got my high school still going Indians.

Is that right? That's right. We had the blue bison. Yeah, we lucked out there. I was like, look at this mutated animal, a blue bison. That's fucked up. Yeah, we just got Beasts pet. Oh, right.

I guess that's not even a blue ox. No, it was a blue bison. Oh, babe, the blue bachs there. Oh, my blue bison. So, anyway, that's Jim Cheacher is Richard Moll from... A bull from Nyquart. Speaking of Bulls. He's better than Joe Piscopo in this movie.

Absolutely. He's so good time. He gets it. He's doing the right thing. It's big, but it's not too big. It's a character that's a little more well-rounded, though, because there's a scene where Jonathan Brandis does well with, like, climbing a rope.

And you see Richard Mall be like, well, say, that kid might not be so bad. Well, this is the weird thing about climbing the rope. It's not this gym scene, but it's in the future. Who cares? It's like, he punishes Barry. He's like, you better climb that rope, Grabinski. And he starts doing it, and everyone's laughing at him.

And, like, he keeps calling him, like, lady, which is kind of weird. You know what I mean? But he's a little strange. Which is not, well, it's not. that weird. I mean, this is a gym teacher in the 1990s. I think I've gotten called lady in high school myself.

So he's in, he's climbing the rope. And like Chuck Norris appears like he always does. You said his name three times. You said, he said, he said bloody Chuck three times. A bloody Chuck.

Look out for that. And he's like, all right, Barry. It's actually, and he's like, I can't do it, Chuck. And everyone's like, who the fucking talking to do? Which is great. It's like the students noticing what's happening.

But he's like, Yes, you can, Barry. All you need, you got to use your legs instead of your arms. And, like, he knows more than Jonathan Brandis would, which is odd. How is your fictional fantasy explaining things that you don't know? Yeah. How do you, which stands the reason that maybe, just maybe, you know, he's doing like an astral projection. He's a gin, you think?

Or like a doctor strange or something? Like he's read so many karate books. He knows how to, like, kick out of his body and go and help people. Chuck Norris would be a great doctor strange. He would be fantastic. You got a better American accent than Cumberbatch, that's for sure. That's right. I was born here.

I don't believe. Were you, Carlos? He was. Here's how you make this scene interesting, by the way, because, man, what are the odds that there's a second rope just hanging there? You cut to him being like, you know, well, now here's what you got to do to get up the rope there. And he turns like, oh, Chuck, you're here. And it's Chuck Norris holding on. to an invisible rope.

Oh, yeah. Because there's just one rope in the gymnasium, man. Eric Norris couldn't figure that out. How do we film that? I don't know. Let's not do that. Yeah.

Well, I think it's in his contract that Chuck Norris does not do wirework for movies directed by his brother. By the way, his brother also directed top dog. Oh, wow.

What's top dog? It's Chuck Norris teamed up with a dog. It's his canine. Probably a day tune. Oh, Jesus Christ. These are parody movies. Yes, exactly.

It's like someone's already done this better. Let's do it worse and make it funny. So he succeeds in climbing the rope and everyone's impressed. He does have a nemesis, which I kind of wish. So his nemesis his nemesis name is Salini. He actually winds up being Joe Piscopo's

number two there in the Cobra Chi very much like... I thought it was Chilini. It's Chilini. Well, that's anyway, that's how people yell in this. So it wouldn't it be awesome if, and it would make sense if he was obsessed with Van Dam and he thought like Chuck Norris

was shit and like oh man Van Dam could kick Chuck Norris his ass and he had Van Dam have it. Phantom fight like both both their invisible friends fight each other? Yes. That would be awesome exactly it would be like two wizards fighting like they would just be standing there with their mind

you know what I mean? He's in his room shirtless staring at a cyborg poster. Oh that's right I can help you through school. Hey pick on that loser talking about Chuck Norris. Oh, come on, Chalini, you have to put on your hard rock cafe t-shirts for gym class. Do you remember me and no retreat, no surrender for? That is you.

A Chalini, you're never going to be like me. You have to split. I don't care if it hurts split. You're going to stretch those bars out, Chalini. Here we go. That would actually be awesome if the two, like, you know, fantasies are fighting each other, but the one can't see the others. So it's like, who's he fighting? Hey, Chuck, who are you fighting?

Oh, hey, don't worry about it. It's Jean-Claude Van Damme. Oh, really? Oh, boy. Yeah, there's a lot of ghosts I have to fight. Hey, Jean-Claude, who you fight? Don't worry, some old wash-up loser. Watch me split and kick you with the balls.

So, is this around where Danica McHallor is like, my daddy said that your daddy or whatever that shit is. That's because we're trying to make her her southern. You know what I mean? So it's like a dad-oh, my daddy. But this is why it doesn't make any sense because you don't know the movie's set in Texas until the last five minutes where they're like,

here's the Texas karate championship. My daddy. My daddy. Oh, my daddy. She's like, oh, if Chilini talked to me the way he talked to you, my daddy would, you know, bury him in a hole or something like that. with his brother Dominic and your mom that went missing

oh that's right my father killed your mother anyone noticed the very weird cheerleading outfit they put the kids in in this movie you mean the cheerleaders

yeah well what else would they wear no they're not cheerleading outfits though they're like weird Japanese school girl outfits they have like sailor oh you're right they look like Sailor Moon

oh yeah they look a bunch of sailor I didn't notice that, maybe because we watched an episode of Pokemon recently. I just didn't notice it all blended together. It's normal, Ian? That's right. Oh, I forgot about that. Again, we're in fucking Houston.

What are we talking about, movie? Aaron Norris. By the way, this movie starts with an Aaron Norris film. Incorrect. It's directed by Aaron Norris. Yeah, and you know what? Not even in the opening credits. That's at the back end.

I don't need to know that up front. I don't give a funny. It makes your movie look worse. Overse scene. by Aaron Norris. And I was there, Aaron Norris. But like, your star is Chuck Norris. It just diminishes it by saying it was directed by one of his immediate family.

You're totally right. The whole thing is jerking off Chuck Norris for an hour and 40 minutes. Yeah, this should be called a fucking favor by Chuck Norris. I read this Wikipedia thing. Oh, I love this. Go for it. It was like, it was like, Wheeland Norris, the oldest brother. was murdered in Vietnam

and then Chuck and Aaron went on to Hollywood phase Wait wait wait Aaron didn't go on to Hollywood fame Yeah let's relax Only one of those brothers Who's doing AARP commercials right now I thought you're going to talk about the mattress thing

Oh the mattress thing's good too You pull that up I don't remember that So this movie was filmed primarily in Houston Texas It was the brainchild of a well-known furniture outlet In partnership with Chuck Norris And his kick drugs out of school campaign Jim Mattress Mac McInvail Wait, let's try that again

What is this dude's name? His name is Jim Mickenvale Yes His nickname is Mattress Mac And It produced and invested $8 million into the movie $8 million.

Yeah man It is believed His relationship with Chuck Norris Who he started in with many commercials With Mac came to him with the idea of creating this film Hey Mac do you like sleeping I do on your mattress

He states that he going into the film and producing business was extremely hard work. That's right. It was, thank you, Stephen. It was hard work. I'm Mattress Mac. By the way, if you read more about my Wikipedia, you'll see that I actually help found the tea party and get it started in Texas. Oh, did he really? Oh, yeah.

I paid for out of my own pocket a lot into the periodicals around Houston saying support the tea party. Oh, interesting. I backed an ultra-conservative in the race for our Houston mayor and lost big That's also if you Google this That's Mac MacMattress I lose big, that's my motto

But I had an army of imaginary Chuck Norris's that voted for me Why not, yeah again Why not a bunch of Chuck Norris's If we're doing it, let's do it, man dude Holy like multiplicity, some of them are stupid Oh yeah one's very effeminate For no reason

It'd be great Hi, I'm effeminate Chuck Norris. Hi, I'm stupid Chuck Norris. Stupid Chuck Norris. That's the most attention. Wait, aren't they all stupid Chuck? I was going to say. Low bar.

This is a, so he's like, he's learning karate. He's swinging dick at this point after he climbed that rope. Yes, this is very key. So he's like, oh, hey, Winnie, you want to walk home with me or whatever. And so he kind of jumps the gun right here because he's like, so hey, Winnie So I like you And if you like me

Why don't we go out Clearly by the way This girl pities you to death Yeah Let's not fuck around Come on You it's Winnie Cooper We're talking about

Queen of the pittiers What did you say about pittiers Kevin Arnold? You've got to take off my Jets jacket And show you what it's like Yeah she's mine I fucking beat the shit out of Dan Loria On the set of Wonder Year

What? You don't think I had that pussy wrapped around my fucking finger oh yeah it happened don't tell me you didn't happen i made it happen god crazy no but first of all no one could defeat dan laurian defeat dan loria it's him and brian denny he Hulk versus hulk yeah yeah those two might be a fucking that's a match i'd that's like fucking skull island or whatever they if they if the two of them fought each other that's fucking 75 9-11s right there sadly but no not even chuck norris could depose the mighty Dan Lurie.

In my mind. And I'm just imagining like Brian Denny he'd taking a right cross to Dan Lurie and a mushroom cloud occurring. Thousands dead. Shazam! So she's like, no, right? It's the old like, well, you know, Barry, I like you, but not like that. And then he goes in, he goes on the defensive here. And he's like, oh, you pity me.

Everybody said you pity me You'll rue the day you pitied me Well he's not wrong Well that's the thing Hey Barry should be killer Not yet Chuck Norris But we will Not wait till she's asleep

Chuck Norris I was in that horror movie We could get that one going Wait Chuck Norse was in a horror movie Yeah he was in a horror movie Like a serial killer who could like Wait what Re-invite himself

What? Are we saving this for the spook tagular Wait you're holding out on this cabin I think it's on shutter Oh shucks Norris is killing people in this? No, it's like a supernatural serial killer. Is this hellbound?

No. Oh, wow. It's like, it's like a two word. See, the thing is, Chuck Norris movies are boring as fuck, but I think they're fertile ground. I think there's enough weird garbage in them that we could spin some. There's even that one Chuck Norris movie that's called weird garbage. Barry, are you fantasizing about weird garbage again? Weird garbage.

I think that's what do you. monsters want to do next on Garbage. That's what happens to Bill Paxton's character at the end of that movie. He turns into weird garbage. R-I-P. Chuck Norris plays a garbageman. Oh, nice. And it's like, he finds a bunch of fucking monsters in the trash

and then hijinks. Sure. A lot of hijinks. Yeah. And then in the middle of it, Anthony Michael Hall does a weird black impression and everyone's like, oh, I can't watch that movie anymore. Oh, man. We need a fucking super cut of that where that's just excise. Just excise. It's just excising.

a similar thing happens in adventures in babysitting oh yeah yeah that was funny back then it's just that's what you call funny back you're laughing your tits off man so this is around where bull from night courts a Nazi in one of these fantasy he's like yeah dude he's fucking like Colonel

clink he's a Nazi but the setting is medieval it's medieval but no it's cabin you've clearly never seen the Nazi exploitation movies that Eric and I watch all the time Kevin you fucking went to Germany for like a year did you not

a fucking castle around? The Nazis had castle. Castle Wolfenstein. Brandis and Norris are looking like beggars is not historical. Yes, it is, dude. It was a fucking huge game in like 1989.

You know what, Steve? They made history in their own like tatters for clothing. Wait, no, his victims, right? Yeah. Well, yeah. I mean, you're not going to put victims in good clothes. I disagree. Anyway. Hats off to sidekicks. Not a swastika to be found.

No. Yeah, well, it's that thing where you can put a bunch of vague lightning bolts. You got two Tottenkopfs. You got a couple of Tottenkopfs in there. The death's head of the SS. Oh, yeah, yeah. Bull has them on his lapel. Yeah, you can get some skulls, but it's not an honest of goodness, you know.

I mean, the swastika is like, you know, the gold standard of Nazi symbolism. I'm sure they had to cut. Yeah. Well, we're going to try to cut around all these swastries you put in here, Aaron. Well, I had Frank Miller over my house last night. He gave me all these swastikas. Had him in the trunk of his car. That fantasy seat which was long.

Oh, man. It's me and Frank Miller cleaning up the streets. It's actually a whole other 65-minute movie right there. I had. 65 minutes. So he starts to learn karate. He starts to believe in himself. He does have an asthma attack.

Actually, it's the Nazi sequence where a bull is like twisting his inside and knots kind of a thing. And it's just like that that he's like, like psyche takes him in again. Yes. Like that's my villain again. Yeah, exactly. Because you spoke ill of Chuck Norris once and now you're going to die a million deaths in the brain. He's also training with makeup.

Mako, yeah. Mocko. And there's great dialogue there to be had like the whole like, you are Mr. Dumpling. Oh, right. Oh, we're going to find you a name. Yeah. That's their first discussion actually is him being like. In the Chinese.

Yeah. When he's like, you're going to be Mr. Dumpling. Not Mr. Flying Eagle or Flying Turtle or something. It's good. You got to like, you got to pair this kid down. You got to like break him to remake him. And you know how you build his trust backup? When he gets put in the hospital,

you as this virtual stranger still go into his room in the middle of the night and rub ball ball all over his chest. Fix vapor rub. Yeah, you better pray. That's what's getting rubbed down there, buddy. He acts like it's like this vague Eastern medicine. Which we find. he's making all this shit up though because remember he's got he's like you got to drink this

two times a day or something like that and then he brand is like okay thanks a lot mister and he leaves the restaurant and uh what's her name the teacher's just like what are you talking about what's in that and he's like that's a bunch of bullshit it's not going to kill him yeah just giving him like fake mixtures he's just like what do white people need to you know okay i'm i'm his Asian mentor so I'm just going to give him a bunch of bullshit this like Eastern mysticism And he's going to suddenly rise up And he's going to suddenly rise up

And skiskeks Kaiser Soza The weird thing is So they're getting really close together They're training And you know And the teacher does this like Goes to Beau Bridges's house Yep

Does this weird floor routine puts on these pants She's everything She's doing some Tai Chi man Uh huh And then like Mako and Brandon's like Let's go train

and it's just her and him and he's like wow you're really good at that and she's like I know and he's like I could never be so elegant I'm like Bo Bridges you're fucking this up

like everyone is gone from the house I imagine myself a beautiful butterfly but I can no longer fly she's like dude what the fuck are you doing Bo Bridges

dude I mean close this deal what shade of green are you waiting for exactly the signals my eyes are burning so he's like

Oh, there's no way I could be as coordinated as you to do all this. Like, I don't have, you know, my brain can't do that. And she's like, it's not in my brain. It's in here. And she puts her hand on his chest. And he's like, oh, oh, is that? Oh, my heart. Well, how would my heart do it?

Maybe I should research this on the computer. Do you mean my flab? Exactly. I suck my cholesterol. Yes, I have been watching it. Oh, it's in my man tits. I get it. Pope Bridges, you were a three.

This woman is a 10, and she is throwing herself at you. Come on. So, I mean, like a good karate kid ripoff. I mean, it's all kind of, they, uh, Chilini and, uh, what's his face and Brandis fight in school and he's like, you can't pick on me anymore, Chalini. I've been taking karate lessons. Yeah, like he, but so's Chalini for longer than you. Yes, exactly.

So, but this is like he, they get in this fight or whatever. And Bull from Nightcourt is like, our. All right, Chalini, hit the showers, and he's like, hey, Barry, nice job, kid, beating the shit out of that other student. I'm a responsible teacher. Hey, want to come over to my house and drink later? It'll be fine if you and your friends come over and drink, just as long as you don't drive anywhere. I'm there to watch you. Yeah, you can bring the invisible people.

Yeah, every last one of them. I got room ever since my wife left. All the invisible. Yeah, my wife is invisible. What's your guy's name? Chuck? Oh, yeah, bring Chuck. Speaking of Chuck, by the way, so this is, from when he gets out of the hospital, it's like hospital into training montage, into fight and Chalini, into another montage. At one point, I was sitting there and I was like, oh, wait a second.

Where the fuck is Chuck Norris in this Chuck Norris movie? There's like a solid 25 Chuck Norris free minutes in this movie. I feel like you had them for like a couple weeks. You know what I mean? That's what's crazy, though, is like all of these different fantasies are different. movie set-ups. I mean, this has taken a long time for Chuck Norris. Yeah, that's true. I feel like he's popping in

like maybe every other day or something. And Chalini's starting to make appearances in these fantasies, too. There's one where Joe Piscopo is running like a pinata factory that's full of like open vats of chemical waste. And it should just be drugs. Like, you know what I mean? You're watching Chuck Norris movies. It's cocaine.

That's what they're alluding to. I guess. There's like different parade floats and shit. It's actually like the end of hard target. Yeah. The shootout and that parade factor, the Float factory. And Brandis gets a mullet in this scene. Matching mullets do. And every time this kid has a fucking gun,

it really creeps me out. It's him with like a little sawed-off shotgun. This is where he brandishes the bazooka and Chuck Norris is just nodding like Well, that was, I mean, the assault rifle in the Vietnam sequence. That was a lot. There's also an Old West one where he gets made fun of

drinking milk. Oh, God. I forgot about that. Oh, that one's really stupid. That's where they call him like, it's like something. and milk, little something. It's like, there's the big wolf, little wolf, too. Yeah, big wolf and little wolf or something like that. That's fucking great.

And they drink milk together. Lone wolf and little wolf. Lone wolf. That doesn't make sense. Why would lone wolf be with a little wolf? If he's a lone wolf, it's just him. And like, yet again, his English teacher almost gets raped, and like he saves her.

And it's like, yeah. Where is it though where Danica McKellar? This is the, uh, the punk hellscape, right? Yeah, and Chilini is like, dressed like The Joker. Oh, God. This is part of the open vat, ecstasy factory or whatever the fuck it is.

And this just means nothing, right? This is my problem with this movie. My biggest problem with this movie is these things mean nothing. No. Like, if it was a thing, no, they're not. They're not fun.

They're not funny. They're not fun. They're funny and fun. No, they're not. Here's the thing. If it was like a continuous story and it's one fantasy and it's him and Chuck Norris

chasing down a cartel or whatever the fuck, and in those fantasy, There was its own story That you're completing It's just black rain for like Yeah sure 80 minutes of this movie

We're just we're just jerking off Till we get to this fucking karate tournament Dude this kid is jerking off to those Chuck Norris movies Oh rubbing it raw you better believe it dude Well I was curious does you watch like edited Chuck Norris movies like this is that why like everything he thinks is all like bubble gum and horse shit The only time we see him watching his cutting shit out Well we see him watching a Chuck Norris movie earlier in the film

And it's on a television. Yeah. So he might be watching edited for television cuts. Yeah. I think that's missing an action. Is it? I'm almost positive. Are we,

so that was actually about you guys, you guys have been talking about these, and I'm just kind of like not asking what I should have asked you at the beginning. Like, are we, are we parodying actual Chuck Norris movies? Most of these are, I think.

Okay. I think some of them are, yeah. That is definitely missing an action. Missing an action is definitely like a Vietnam type thing. Correct me from wrong. I believe missing an action is. oddly enough, I think he goes back to Vietnam after like the war

and starts murdering people and trying to free POWs. Something to that aspect. It's a weird thing if you watch the Canon documentary, you know that the first one was the second one and the second one was the first. Oh wow. And for the folks at home, that's electric boogaloo. Yes. It's such a

fucking fun movie. I love it. But anyway, and also the power mullet one is also definitely a takeoff of like one of his I want to seagal movies. What's that movie he did like octagon something? The octagon. It's just

called the octagon? Yeah, yeah. I think it's what cage fighting or something? Yeah, something to that effect. It's boring as fuck. It is not good. Hey, speaking of boring as fuck, let's drive this movie to a halt to go to the zoo. Oh, right. They go to the zoo in this movie for no reason. Or a sexy

date at the zoo. A sexy date at the zoo. Well, he was going to go. He had a sexy day with makeup. Look at those fucking lions. Oh my God. God, sexy date at the zoo. He had a date with his, his, his, his, his, his, his karate instructor. Yeah. Even though I don't know if it, I don't even know if it's karate or it's kung fu or what.

Yeah. Anyway, martial artist instructor. And Winnie Cooper asked him what he's doing this week and he says he's going to go to this zoo and then she like kind of invites himself along. Very rude. And now this poor old man is like a third wheel. Yeah. It's so fucking rude.

I couldn't believe it. He had a date with his pupil. The weird thing is, though, like, a little bit of this movie is, like, things to do in Houston. Are you in Houston? Bar-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-A-B-B-A-B-H. Yeah, Aaron, maybe you could do a few things about how to do. You know, I made a deal with the Chamber Combers. You know, maybe at one point here, you're a boy character there, and the great Chuck Norris, the greatest man that ever lived, maybe they're coming to my mattress store.

Here. Do some karate training on mattresses. Here are the top five barbecue. spots. Hey, Chuck Norris, I can't believe we're eating at the number two barbecue spot in Houston. Hey, Barry, this event hall is great for corporate events. It's actually pretty reasonable, too, Barry. You know what?

You can actually have a pretty sharp wedding reception in here, Barry. High school reunion, no problem. Meko has a great, great line at this zoo when he's like, he's, you know, like, the lesson is not over, right? Like, he's teaching this kid the way of the world and stuff. Sure, sure, sure. Way of the future. He's like, you see the tortoises.

When you do something truly great, the tortoise will dance. What does that even mean? It doesn't mean anything. You see a turtle dance? That's the thing is he's been feeding this kid a load of shit. Yeah, yeah,

Brandis' character is full up on bullshit in this one. You're going to make the kid hallucinate? When he was in China, which is where he's from, I said that because he's Japanese, but like one of his buddies was like, he's like, oh man, when you go to America,

what you need to do is find like a nerdy white kid. And just, I did this last summer. It was so great. Pretend like you're teaching in martial arts. And just fill it. A, he'll clean your house. B, you can tell him whatever you want. Like if you have any menial labor, you can be like, oh, it's training. This kid will give you money. Oh, man, just find one. Latch on. And just make it up as you go. That's a blast. Mr. Miyagi was the king of the fucking scam. Oh, totally. So great, dude, man, sanded that fucking fence painted, do everything. He had a student models is home. He had a spick and span home for 25 years.

Didn't pay one person to clean. It's just like, oh, yeah, you're learning how to do a straight punch. I'll teach you a straight punch. Once in a while he gave them rice. Speaking of grifting, by the way, in one of these several training montages, it's like Jonathan Brandis learning to use nunchucks on a hill and he's getting really good at it. But we're seeing it from the perspective of Mako, who is sitting grifting a bunch of teenage girls in the park.

I think he's doing three-card Monty. It's like or the Chinese version of three-card money I didn't recognize his buddy's like oh man You're gonna go to the park This kid's gonna make You're gonna make so much fucking money So finally we're gonna enter this karate tournament The Chilini challenges him

Like after the fight he's like What are you here? You think you're so great Even though you just beat the shit out of me Meet me in a more restrained way Where we won't actually fight But we'll actually compete Wait what? Like just go fucking fight this kid Oh Chilini you did it again

again, you idiot. God, you're so stupid Chalini. Just go to the park and beat the shit out of this case. Or a parking lot. Yeah, exactly. Anywhere. Just don't be like, all right, now we're going to do it. In school, we got broken up.

But we're going to do it at a karate tournament, which is much more structured and I can't even touch you there. See you there, loser. It's a point system. You're going to beat you on points, just like boxing. Everybody loves it in boxing when that happened. How you're being on points? You ready for the bricks? Yeah.

So this fucking tournament, by the way, makes no sense at all at least at least like the the all valley tournament that god you're praying for the all valley watching this movie that takes place on the planet mars because it's so fucking red there um is it's it's like it's a bunch of kids they're all in the same age range and they fucking fight each other yeah it's a kid fight club that's what i understand it it's like and the one who wins wins this is i guess every team is consisting of four fight club it's a little kid fight glove. It's four people. One

has to be a woman. One has to be, I guess, an old man. Yep. And one? No, you don't have an old man. Sorry. Over 35. Well, then there's a team competition. There's a middle age white man and then a young

white boy. Yes. That's what every single team is made of. Because you go, they go, it's going to be Mako, the teacher and Brandis. They're like, oh, and Like, they're signing up day of, like, what fucking competition is any kind you can record? You can walk in register.

This was making my skin crawl because this would not be acceptable at the All Valley. No, you know what? No, it would be because they get a ringer, dude. They get Chuck Norris, which is also, you know, maybe they shouldn't accept it because it's just like, okay, now Chuck Norris's team's going to win. Right. And spoiler he does. They're like, oh, hey, wait, you got Chuck Norris. Wait, is this a plot of a movie?

Because he's definitely going to win it because it's the plot of a movie. Yeah, all of those. camera's doing behind you guys on the other end of the spectrum it's like wow if chuck norris competes in this thing that's great publicity for next year so it's kind of like maybe actually kevin you're thinking about what are all these cameras doing he reminded me you guys ever see that great twilight zone where that dude is like a businessman and he's like all right secretary i'll see you tomorrow and all of a sudden he's on the set of a television show oh and his life is a television set oh the Truman show and they're like you're thinking of the

Trudeau. No, I'm not. No, I'm not. I can't believe you haven't seen this episode. I think I am not. And they're like, you know, he's like, you know, Mr. Frederick, whoever. And then like, you hear like cut and he's on a set. And they're like, hey, Dave, what are you doing? This dude's like, what? It's awesome. That would be great if that happened in this movie. Do you ever see the Chuck Norris Twilight Zone episode? What? Really? You know, I think whenever Daniel Day Lewis wraps a movie, that's what happens to him. That's exactly true. Yeah. I mean, I'm not an oil prospector. I'm not Lincoln. Oh, my God. Oh, that's Mr. President. Wait, I'm not Danny and Rose.

Did anyone see that movie? No one, huh? Weird. I kind of wanted to fuck my daughter on an island. Actually, this scene, like, we're going to enter this tournament, is my favorite scene in the movie. When Chuck Norris is talking to all these security dudes. No, well, that's pretty great. That's my favorite scene.

When he's rapping about, like, old karate. But before that, when they go to try to sign up, this is the most deplorable character in this film. This fucking sign-in guy, this smarmy fuck. He's mad with power because he's getting all these day of registration. Get the fuck out of here. Dude, this guy is getting off on turning these people away. And it was making my blood boil.

He's just like, oh, I'm sorry. It's teams of four or nothing. And they're like, well, we just thought we'd participate as a team of. Excuse me, that guy is not 70 years old He can't be part of your team Oh, but actually dogs are okay too Because everyone's just fighting each other That'd be great if there was a dog round

Dude, a fucking karate dog fight It's like, oh shit You've got no one for the dog round You got Chuck Norris now, okay Oh wait, what? Michael Vicks in the parking lot Oh my God, heaven. So yes, so like

So thank God actual Chuck Norris is at this turn just hanging out and like he bumps in a Joe Piscopo and he's like good thing you not compete Chuck girl kick your ass and he's like yeah whatever Stone and then Eric's favorites he'd have it's him and like all these like security guys

mulleted dudes like just fucking like these dudes and these like blazers that are just like running security or have run security Chuck Norris has known all of those dudes for at least 35 years it's great because right after Piscoebo he turns to the guys and he's just like

boy that's just like boy that guy hasn't changed at all, right? Because you know now there's a history, everybody knows that guy is the biggest asshole. Again, I want that movie. Doesn't that sound awesome? How about that movie? It's like a Cassavetti's-esque movie.

Chuck Norris hanging out with all these fucking security cards. Well, that's the thing. That's why I feel bad for Chuck Norris at the end of this movie. Because Chuck Norris is like, look, I'm going to go back to this place. You kind of reminisce maybe, tell some of the old stories, sit in my old chair. Get a Salisbury steak afterwards. Like, lay low, man. You know, keep a low profile.

Yeah, maybe Chuck Norris could get Salisbury steak down at Luz afterwards. Maybe put that in the movie, you know, it's help drop up some business. You know, if Chuck Norris needs too much steak down at Luz, he needs to take a little food nap. He can go to my mattress store. My brother is taking a bath on an indoor go-kart rink. Is there any way we could incorporate that in the film?

He's taking a real... Listen, you get the little kid in the go-cart. It's not that hard. Just do it. I told Frank, you don't put a batting cage in the middle of the go-cart ring, but he wouldn't listen to me. You just cost me $8 million. You don't want to cost a tax in $8 million.

How hard is it to put balls in a pit? They can go to an arcade, can't they're kids. I got a bunch of friends who will own arcades. Wait, some used area 51s in here at least. I got that ball pit. We need to, that needs to be in the future. That just needs to be the future. Listen, you got, you got, what is his name?

Maco. All right. He's got a funny bald head, right? Put him in the ballpits. Fucking rights itself. It's fucking comedy. I got to use car dealership. Chuck Norris needs to buy a car to get to the arena. There you go. How was my friend Dennis supposed to know that nobody gives a shit about drive-in movie theaters anymore, right? He's fucking drowning right now. He's got me a lot of appearance in this film would help him out. Got me a lot of Ford trucks. Ford trucks. So you got your invisible. Okay. I don't care if he's invisible. He's an invisible friend.

You've got a visible guy driving a truck down the street. That's funny. That's just funny. You put that in the movie. Show the Ford logo. This Holly Weird isn't so hard. Chuck Norris has driven a car in a movie before. Why don't you make a fantasy about I'm driving a used car from my hit my lot.

Ow. The movie is over, right? Over the credits, we go to the peacheria that I own. It's a pizzeria that I own. And they're eating pizza. And they're like, wow, what a great pizza. What a great movie we just had. It's all that it's going to go over.

It's fine. It's fine. It's an authentic, thick, crust, Texan piece. I'm sure, in one of his movies, he's gone to a nail salon. Let me ask you guys this. Do you think, and this is a question for my brother-in-law, Dave, Chuck Norris has ever been in a movie where he has had to visit a for-profit prison?

Maybe he's got those guard friends. Maybe they work at the prison. Does Chuck Norris show up to the karate tournament naked? Oh, no, he doesn't. So he should go to my brother's a tailor shop. He gets a premier slack. You get a bolo tie? Yeah, I mean, that's what a closing story is for.

That's what makes sense. Oh, one condition. She does need to wear a windbreaker that says lose famous steaks, chops. Chop house. So, Noreen goes up and she's like, hey, I know you're busy, Chuck Norris. I know the last thing you want to do is actually compete today, by the way. Chuck Norris, by the way, thinks that this conversation is going to take him down a whole other. This is a sex talk.

He's like, excuse me, guys, I'm going to have sex with this woman. Oh, wait. Oh, she wants me to compete and then I'll have sex. Okay. It's going to get dicey after the show. Absolutely. Bo Bridges has to be like, what do you do with my lady friend, man? Oh, please.

Bo Bridges is going to go jerk off at the parking lot. But there's going to be a big old stutter, stutter. And I will say this. It's so they go back to the snooty registration guy, and this is when you realize that Chuck Norris can't act because it is. Oh, no kidding. It's Mocko. It's Noreen.

It's Jonathan Brandes and Chuck Norris all in the same shot. And everyone else is like holding the frame. And Chuck Norris is just like, Aaron, did you call cut yet? Aaron, is this cut? What's what's cut? He's just not there. So the competition is as such. We start with Mocko breaks all these bricks.

It's pretty cool. Which this is. He beats Chilini in the brick break. Yeah. And this is the, it's so great what happened in the aftermath of Mako's Brick Break because we've got these two also be mulleted, announcer characters. Oh, those guys are awesome. So this is the line of business we need to get into. Funk Patreon, which is doing very well. And I thank everybody. But we need to do local karate tournament.

Or just listen, add color to local karate tournament. Useless announcers for any event. Sure. But so this thing happens and they're all like, oh, look at this old. man in a gardening hat like he can't break all these bricks this guy is gonna break a brick in an apron and he's asking for another brick yeah pretending to be drunk for no reason you're right and then so what happens is he successfully does this to which one of these announcers as if channeling dennis miller is like hey we're gonna be eating humble brick here babe

you're like shut the fuck up friend you know what erin um uh i did i was on the way here, I was listening to KRPR1, and there is a great morning show, they have to be in the movie. You know what? They are in the movie. Scott and the fart, they're in the movie. The fart is great. Scott's kind of a racist, but I get over it. He's got to mention Humble Brick.

I got a brick warehouse down on nine. It's called Humble Bricks. It's called Humble Bricks. Yeah, that's right. And it just, you know what? All right, you don't have to do the whole plug. Just say Humble Brick. Locals in the brick industry will know what I'm talking about. Guess what? Guess what? are in the movie. Somebody's got to get the bricks to come to the chronic place. Sounds like a perfect job for Humble Bricks.

You got to buy those bricks from Humble Brick. I know you have props or whatnot, but no, you got to buy my bricks. And whatnot. You got to buy my bricks. So, what's her face? Norrin does her floor routine. She actually loses because for some reason, because

the... Because this woman can't catch a break. Yeah. She just can't catch a break. And finally, the other reason that Chuck Norris decided to join this, aside from definitely trying to have sex with this woman, is he's like, I'm going to teach that stone Alessa, J. Episcopo. So

finally, it's to fight everybody wanted, which happens kind of almost in the middle of the climax. It really should be the climax. Right, but because it's, here's what you are tricked into think, you're tricked into thinking that this is a Chuck Norris movie, and it's not. It's a Jonathan Brandis and Mocko movie.

Barry Wary movie. Yeah, that's a very wary. He fights Chuck Norris. He beats the shit out of him. It's a little too cartoonish for my tape. I had a real problem with this fight team because there's not a lick of karate to be found. We're just like throwing people and punching each other in the face. It's like light boxing.

Yes. But then there's some hilarious shit of like, as a child, it was abusive. With Joe Piscopo like flipping around? Yeah, sure, physics is defied for no reason. You know, for that shot, my buddy Tommy owns a discovery zone in the area and you've got one of those like zero G spinning majiggers.

Yeah, I got a lot of money in that So that's in the movie I really need help here That's what I'm saying I can put up the $8 million up front But I need money on the back end So my nephew, he He deals illegal steroids

And you know, Piscopo's got to get That stuff somewhere Piscopo is looking cut as fucking I was very suspicious He's also raging out This entire second He is grunting wildly again Because his balls are raisins

he's so much roids in him I'm telling you dude his balls are racing I definitely was I mean like I don't know this for a fact I have no inside info I haven't read the Joe Piscopo story but like he's got that

big beefy roid body not the HGH body now that we now have where it's all chiseled and like whatever but now this is like old school good old fashion white steroids he doesn't look like a clover field

no so yeah exactly and he's flexing all over this final because he's he's ripping his shirt off because like they kind of are doing it they got boxing gloves on and whatnot and then he's like oh no here we go Chuck Norris

we're gonna fucking do it now baby and he like rips the gloves up he fucking tears his shirt off like Hulkoken but I mean like in the real world the Joe Piscopo would beat Chuck Norris because like he hasn't he hasn't trained for this fight right you know he's not his shape

you know what I mean like if Chuck Norris is doing this shit every day and Chuck Norris is just doing it for movies like right you know what I mean Chuck Norris is getting ready to read the pilot to Walker, Texas Ranger at this point. I guarantee you if Michael Jordan went to a street basketball competition, you get his ass kicked by

some 20-year-old. Because that's how that shit works. Yeah. So then it's like the final breaking contest. Oh, no, we have to get into Barry Wins. Right. The Nunchuckus. So he comes out with Nunchucks. Right. Which this was before we realized that nunchucks were really

dangerous for kids. Oh, sure. Well, that was like, you know, you could fool parents in the 90s in the thing of that. You get like a legit parent nunchucks and it's like. And he's got to these metal these fucking metal nunshucks and he's doing it and it's Brandis and I'm like oh that's cool like but I'm like

but they've already shown some other floor routines of weapons like this is really cool swords or something like how is he going to beat these guys the way they do it is he turns into a 50 year old man in a white ninja outfit and he does this incredible I'm pretty sure he's like a 50 year old Asian man

in a white ninja outfit it's just insane like they zoom in on him and then they zoom out and he's the white ninja and it's just a completely different body like he's increased his body mass by like 30%,

which I mean I do fantasy when I have my own fantasies I do think about increasing my body mass It's you and Gary Graham going to the gym I'll spot you Eric

We'll get that Joe Piscopo one day But the weird thing is That's when I walk into the gym It's me and Piscopo Oh God dude Don't let Graham see it Those ghosts are gonna fight

But the weird thing is like Shouldn't the end of this movie be like, or at least once Mocko goes up to him, is like, well, you know, to be a great martial arts master, you need to be present in the moment and stop fantasy. Like, he should destroy his fantasies at some point. We need to stop that. It needs to stop. He does not do that. No, no, let's pour some gasoline on it because now you know the guy. You're just encouraging the madness.

Now you know that the guy, what do you say, pinch me when he met him? Uh-huh. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's really... Well, that's the weird thing. I was like, wouldn't you freak the fuck... If I've been fantasizing about nothing but Chuck Norris,

and then Chuck Norris is like, hey, Barry, I'm in your real life. Like, oh, fuck! Somebody's got to take me to the hospital right now. What's reality? Hey, Barry, you should kill your teacher. But I like her. She's nice. Yeah, you should still kill her, Barry.

That's not your real teacher, Barry. That's the devil in disguise. Exactly. Take me to the hospital right now, because I'm definitely going to have this erection for more than four hours. Yes, it is crazy. He should be freaking out a little more. So now what happens they all, like he wins.

It's a tie, yeah. Oh, yeah, it's a tie between the frying dragon dojo and whatever. The Piscopo Townies Dojo. I think it's a stone. So it's like, oh, you get to choose, all right, since the frying dragons won, the coin toss, they get to choose both the participant and the challenge. And they choose the participant and then the stone dojo. chooses the challenge.

It should have been Chuck Norris versus that little kid in a fight. It's just him fucking housing a 16 year old boy. But but you know, Mocko walks over and it's just like immediately it would be Barry, you know,

like no questions. And he just says like oh Barry has this means like he's got a lot to prove like this could be devastating for Barry if this doesn't go right. So it should be Barry. He's got the most to lose. Put him up there.

Yeah, yeah. Bo Bridges has some line right here where he's like, You've already proven yourself, son. So just get out there. And he says something like, do whatever you're going to do. And I'll be over at the concession stand,

not paying attention. I'll be eating cheap nachos. There will be cheap nachos in this scene, right? Because my cousin Ted is just really drowning and dead at the cheap nachos. He's got a side pickled jalapeno business. Listen, don't ask me how, but we just came into a whole truckload of nacho cheese. Got to unload this nacho cheese.

It's literally just a truck filled with cheese. Found it right on Highway 62. You would not believe. It might not be 100% cheese, but we need to set. Okay, it's 10% cheese, but we need to sell this stuff. Bo Bridges will eat it. Have you seen that guy? That guy'll eat anything.

Look, don't your weird Hollywood sets need, you know, craft services? Just eat a bunch of my fake cheese. Not that cheese. It's supposed to be white. Listen, no, no, no. You give me $1 million back. And I supply the craft. services of just nacho cheese sauce.

You get the chips. B. Y.O.C. man. Hey, this is great nacho cheese sauce. It's just Chuck Norris dipping his face into a bowl of nacho cheese and eating. That's a commercial I'd love. No, no. No, no. No. Chuck's got

a blow a bubble in that. Slurps it off his face like Scooby. Oh, my God. So it's brick breaking. And I mean, like, Chileo bring, Chileo and Barnes injury attorneys. He breaks all these bricks and then it's like eight bricks and then like it's up to Barry to do nine and then Mako I don't know if this is legal or what lights the bricks on fire. I don't know what the deal is there. I mean like I think it's meant to look more

impressive but I distinctly remember watching this as a kid and my older brother did martial arts when we were growing up and he was just like that's cheating because it would weaken the brick exactly yeah he says it would weaken the brick and it's fucking right. Yeah, of course it would. Because it's like, you know, it's softening it. Well, how's he getting away with this? Extreme cold or extreme heat would soften a book. Well, I mean, so there's an asterisk. There's an asterisk on this video.

He's back at his house in his fucking gym shorts. This is all fantasy. The whole movie. Looking back at the Houston karate tournament, he's like Pete Rose or something. Yeah, sure, he kind of did it, but nah. That's Michael, man. He's definitely gambling. Aaron, I know this is the end of your movie.

It's the climax. It's the most important scene. Is there any way to work in my buddy's lighter fluid business, Andrew? Genuine, Texas. Burn it down, lighter fluid. That's the brand. It's great. And Max Zippo Outlet.

So he breaks the break and he fucking wins the guy. They win, whatever. And he has a scene with Chuck on the band. This is a bone-chilling twist end. This is also where it might actually be all in his head, and this never happened. That's what you're supposed to be. Because there's two things to point out here Because yeah, he's like, well, I did a Chuck Norris

And he's like, yeah, well, you know, it's all because you're great And I'm a great actor and it was a lot of fun And he's like, all right, Chuck Norris, I'm going to take this magazine with your picture on it And go over to my dad and new teacher mom And then he turns around and Chuck Norris is gone You know you folks can rent this movie at popcorn video Down on Route 7 in Houston

Once it's now Now serving red vines No, I'm sorry. Well, so he turns around and Chuck Norris has vanished. And it's like, oh, he was talking to the fake Chuck Norris, which is two things. One, he's still fucking crazy. So that's dangerous and sad. But also, how about Chuck Norris just leaving this tournament without saying goodbye?

He ghosts this tournament. He doesn't matter at all. Or was tournament Norris, imaginary Norris? Like, I know he was talking to imaginary Norris, but maybe he was all fake. I'm telling you, he's back at home. staring up at his fucking coat of silence poster and fucking jerking off

in his gym shorts yes he's just been edging for the entire runtime of this movie that's fake and then he does a double fucking thing for the numchuk yeah that's how he does it the exceptions himself but the weird thing is so that happens

and then like he has this like grody ass karate magazine that he leaves on the bench which the cover which he's taped back together after Chalini tears it half, by the way. And there's some water damage. Yeah, we're talking a couple of pages stuck together. Oh, it's quite crispy. Crispy.

Oh, yikes. So he walks away, he walks with his dad, and they go, yeah. And this kid is like, oh, cool, garbage. A kid in a wheelchair, by the way. It's a twist wheelchair, because you don't know he's in a wheelchair. Yeah, totally. Oh, awesome. It's garbage.

And he's like, I could never afford a carbox. body magazine. And then we pan back and then we get a plug-in from my wheelchair factory. I don't care. Yeah, I know wheelchair kids can't do karate.

I don't care. But that was my question. I mean, is that a sequel set up? I hope so. It's like Chuck Norris is going to help this kid out? That would be great.

You just have to first become deranged and dangerously obsessed with Chuck Norris. And then he comes to you in divisions and maybe he'll help this kid through his paralysis. You know, Stephen, those invoices aren't going to file themselves.

Yeah, I'm Chuck Norris. Let's get through this together. The score in this movie is like if Dan Deakin made racist Asian electronic music. And it's the same fucking song over and over and over. We close out the film with it. It's awful. We don't have any money for music.

My blues band burned to the ground last night. Yeah, both of the white guys from my blues band died. we can't do that anymore. That's just over. By the way, in the ceremony, when they do win, there's a classic moment of two guys in the audience trying to high five and they miss... Oh, I miss that. Oh, fuck.

I just tried to demonstrate it, folks at home, and I just hit the microphone. There you go. Would anybody recommend this movie? I would. It's a cool 95 minutes. It's silly. Oh, it's cool. It's just 90s enough. I was, I've seen this a bunch growing up.

I really thought that Chuck Norris was a genuine star because of it. I was duped. I kind of have to recommend it. I don't know if I'll ever watch it again, but I would recommend it if you haven't seen it. I would also recommend it. I think it, you know, even though I saw it a bunch growing up, and it does, you know, it doesn't

hold up. It's full of problems, obviously. It's kind of a hangover movie. Exactly. It's kind of fun and dumb. And it's a great window into what the 90s were, which was Wal-to-Wall racism. Yeah. Yep. That's the way we like it, Barr. For that, I think it's, for me, as seeing is believing more than anything.

It's just such an oddity on almost every level. I mean, even as far as... I mean, I knew that there was... The amount of Karate Kid knockoffs, it was just... Sure. You were drowning him. Yeah. But like, this one is really

uniquely strange. Yeah, I don't know. It's a no for me. I don't give a shit about this movie. Go watch Last Action Hero. It's the same thing but better. I will say what this movie did inspire me to do is, check out other boring-ass Chuck Norris

movie. Yeah. I feel like So folks at home, like tweet at me at Juppin some worthwhile boring ass Chuck Norris movies. Whatever the one on shutter is, is the one I'm talking. That's what I'm going to check out tonight. I mean, I, you know, Chuck Norris

in a horror movie? A boring horror movie. No, that's just funny to me. That's sidekicks from 1992, directed by Aaron Norris, brother of Chuck Norris. If you want more WHM, check out WHMpodcast.com or find us over on Headgum's network page.

Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. We're at WHM podcast. And of course, right into the mailbag, we all hate movies at gmail.com. Rate and review the show, wherever you download us and subscribe to us, we'd greatly appreciate it. Next week on the program, a little bit of a thing folks have been asking for. It's our live episode on Howard the Duck recorded just a few weeks back in Brooklyn, New York at the Bell House, which reminds me, by the way,

you're getting your summer vacations all in order and planned and whatnot. Make sure you are in Brooklyn for August the 5th. We returned to the Bell House to close out the summer talking about none other than Mac and me. Oh, slimy E.T. rip-off. Tickets have been on sale for a while, So you want to get on that soon.

Totally. We had a lot of fun of the Bell House last time. I know a lot of people got shut out of that Howard the Duck Show, man. You don't want to miss it. And don't get shut out this Thursday if you're listening to this

the day it comes out. That's right. Because we're going to be at the Punchline at Atlanta talking Friday the 13th, part 7. It's going to be great. Tickets online at punchline.com. There it is.

So next week we're off, but there's a new episode. It's just live and old, kind of. But a lot of laughs, a lot of beastiality jokes. It's all there for you. So until next week, where we're going live. I'm Andrew Jupin.

Stephen Seda. Eric Siska. Chris Kavan. Take it easy.