We Hate Movies - S7 Ep297: Episode 297 - Howard the Duck: Live! at the Bell House

Episode Date: April 18, 2017

On this week's episode, we're releasing last month's sold-out show from Brooklyn, it's Howard the Duck: Live! at the Bell House! At this show, we raised such important questions like: Does planet Duck World also contain Duckburg from Duck Tales? How many of Howard's movie posters are porno parodies? And why can't this movie just be about a duck who manages a rock band? PLUS: George Lucas really turns on the filth! Howard the Duck stars Lea Thompson, Tim Robbins, Ed Gale, and Jeffrey Jones; directed by Willard Huyck.Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Thank you. across the sea of stars lies another world a world almost exactly like ours this is where he lives he's 27 years old single but searching favorite sports windsurfing and akito favorite pastimes cigars and sex he has everything except fulfillment and then one night it happens He has a very sudden midlife crisis. He lands in Cleveland. You do know why you were sent to me. Listen to me, small visitor.

I can explain how you got here. Maybe you're here for some greater purpose, some cosmic cause. Here, he's forced to reassess his career goals. You went to med school? To explore new relationships. To redefine his self-image. I'm sorry. Let's allow pets on the premises.

To adjust to a changing lifestyle. Oh, I pull it out! Until he discovers just who he really is. Oh, no. A duck in big trouble. That's a duck, man. Howard, the duck. Trapped in a world he never made.

Coming from George Lucas, a Willard Hike film, a Gloria Kat's production. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome we hate movies. Ducktails, who Every day they're out there making Ducktails Brooklyn, what is happening

too bad a good lucktales I like that. Hello Duckberg Brooklyn, what is happening? I like that. I'm Andrew Jupin. What happened?

Wait, all right, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. We've got a seat malfunction. Is everyone ready? Is everyone ready? Is everyone ready? I forgot how to sit down, I'm sorry. Okay. All right, so three, two.

I'm Andrew Juven. Chris Cabin. And we are, we hate movies from New York City. How are you guys doing? Holy shit, Brooklyn. This is pretty cool. No ducks, though. No ducks, not a duck.

No, look down. You can't see them. Oh, yes. Like everybody making themselves at home with the drinks on the stage, that's totally okay with us. Take your shoes off, relax. Let's not get nuts here.

It's just a podcast. Who brought their robe? Anybody want to be in their robe? You've been pushing this robe bit for the last hour. I think it really works. All right. Works.

Gross. How many of y'all are familiar with the show we were on the internet? Just a couple of you. Sure. For those uninitiated, you may have, I like to say maybe you were tricked into coming. We're a program where we take a...

Oh, it's a nature show about ducks. It's a nature show about ducks. There are no refunds? No, no. No. Mallards are a kind of duck. No. We're a show that talks about bad movies, is the idea. So we take a bad movie and we kind of just like crack some jokes

and make fun of some people, potential slander. We haven't gotten in trouble yet. Not quite yet. We'll see how that flies. But before we get going, we've got a We Hate Movies prize package that we want to give out. Oh my God, don't get that excited. It's really shitty. So Steve's going to get up and take a tally.

Raise your hand if you think you came the farthest. to see the show this evening. Yonkers doesn't count. It should. So Steve's going to go around here. Let's see. Steve, careful, careful, all right. There we go. Oh, look at that.

It worked out. Oh, all right, perfect. What about you in the front row? That'd be easy. Philadelphia. Philadelphia, okay. What's that? Philly!

That lady. Whoa. Holy shit. All right, so that dude's out. Anybody in Alaska? Wait, you got a lady in the back. Irvine? Oh shit, I don't know geography. Who wins? Are you two fight to the death on that?

Anyone outside the continental United States? Good. Okay. Irvine or, oh God. The band worked. Okay, so Irvine or Redlands. Does anyone know geography? Does anyone know which one's further?

Irvine and Redlands. Irvine. Oh, I heard Irvine. That's it. Irvine, get the hell up here. Come on up here. Irvine. Come on up here, Irvine. Oh, wow. This is an exclusive

we hate, all the way up on stage. Come on, come on. By the way, Redlands don't feel so bad, because it's just this. Like, really, it's just, it's just this. It's just a tape. All right, what's your name? Claudia. Thank you so much for coming out. Did you drive?

No. Okay. I too. With the ducks. You're probably here for something else, right? You couldn't have come out all the way. Was this happenstance? Oh, it's her bachelorette party. All right. Oh, my God.

All right. Now I feel really good. We are going to remain mostly clothed the entire time. We might get that robe bit. Don't lie to them. Thank you so much. Claudia and our Bachelor of Party.

All right. So now, the film in question. Yeah. Are you all right? You're ready? Yeah. It's Howard the Duck.

Oh, wait, hold on, hold on. There it is. Yeah, I just... If we're going to get in, do it. Yeah. So this is from 1986, the grand year 1986. Directed by Willard Huck.

He's the only filmmaker that was named after Goofy's laugh. So, Steve, if we had to give sort of like a boilerplate, what is this piece of trash about? Based on the Marvel Comics character, nobody liked.

One dude in the back just went, oh. The only one that nobody liked. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's a duck that gets a man, a duck man, I guess. He's a duck, he's a duckman. A duck being. Is transported from a duck world.

Duck world, yeah. Into the human world. Human world. Earth, also known as human world. And he winds up running a foul. Oh, wow. That's awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, wow, wow. Oh, man. Oh, Siska remains seated. The opposition party. I'll clap a little bit. He runs afoul of a... He winds up meeting Leah Thompson, who's in a band.

She's, like, his only friend in the world. And then that happens for 40 minutes, and then the last 50 minutes it's kind of like Ghostbusters, I guess. And, like, Jeffrey Jones shows up, like, more than halfway through the movie. He's like, hey, by the way, I'm the movie. You're like, really?

And then a lot of stuff happens that we'll probably talk about. It's a surprise Jeffrey Jonesing, which you're really got to be on the lookout for these. I need to be alerted. Wait. Yeah, I mean, 200 yards? Is that the...

I believe that's a language. Any movie theater. Yeah. Or portrait studio. Oh, come on. But actually... Yeah. Well, I were fucking related to him.

And they were artistic. My question is, what was the deal with the casting director on Who's Your Caddy? That was long after the troubles. He wanted to give him a shot. He's like, you know what, alleged this and that. We're making a movie with Big Boy here, so... Yes. My question is, is anyone a Howard the Duck, either the...

Who's a fan of the movie? All right. No, you're not. Who is a fan of the comic character? All right, so... All right. This dude very emphatically. Okay.

We have no more. prizes to give, so you just did that for nothing. The good news is we don't know anything about the comic, so you're safe. Yeah, so we open on a sad jazz kind of a situation. And it's just

George Lucas presents, like wah-ram-w... Well, you know, Stephen, I really thought that this could be sort of like a hard-boiled detective noir type thing. And what noir doesn't start without a really great sad saxophone. You know, Stephen, I...

In Star Wars, I always wanted a sexualized duck. I thought for a minute that that wolfman was going to be fucking, but that didn't happen. Maybe a duck creature. That was Spielberg's one note, and I've never forgiven him. You know, we open on a steamy office with a lights streaming in, and who should walk in? But, subalba. Oh, man, subalba. We're wearing a low-cut dress.

a very voluptuous subalba by the way there are twin moons in this to remind you a Star Wars Oh are the twin moons Right at the start Were they egg shaped as well Because that's how stupid it gets Now the planet

Duck World itself is indeed shaped like an egg I got more questions about Duck World Sure let's get into it Duck World This is where Speaking of the music we played when we came out Yeah Duck Berg I think is in there

I think it's contained in this world Yeah A shared cinematic universe Because they all have duck puns Yeah which is also with that That's what Ducktails built its empire on Which I don't I still don't get this Why like you know we're people

We don't just say like we're not like We're people We are But we're not like people we hate movies We're just we hate movies Because we all assume that we're all people Like Chris Cabin person Yeah exactly

Right his last name is Duck It's Howard T Duck So his middle name the. Yes. And is everyone in the world last name duck? I think it's a T-duck. It's duck or mallard, I think. Oh, yeah. Or another kind

of duck, which I'm not going to bring that out. Do you know any more ducks? No, I don't. I already said that. Does anyone know any more ducks? Goose? No, no. I was about to foolishly ask, oh wait, does a goose a duck? Foul, yes, foul, yeah.

So you get that. I mean, like, so we open on his apartment. He's a lonely feathered fucker, man. I also like that... Listen, I don't need... Here's the thing. I see this preview. He's a fun-loving duck.

Uh-huh. He probably fucks. Oh, dude, that's what the whole movie is. No, no, no, no, no. You don't know it just yet. I'm talking about from the preview. Oh, yeah. Yeah, spoiler alert.

Spoiler alert, he definitely fucks. But just... From the preview, like, if... I'm with my kids in the theater in like 1985 and it's like summer 1986 this duck might fuck you're also well I mean you're also getting arrested by CPS.

Coming summer 1986 this duck might fuck but he looks to be like pretty fun-loving is the idea right? But then you open on this sad apartment and it's like this dude is preparing to hang himself like if he

is not pulled through this wormhole to our dimension he's fucking swinging from the shower pole, man. It's over for Howard T. Duck this evening. He's got all these sad movie posters up, right? Well, they're not even movie. I think they're porno parodies. That's the greatest thing to figure out. They definitely are. Because it's Breeders of the Stork, and it's an Indiana Jones parody.

Breeders of the Lost Stork. That is disgusting. I've got kids here. Let's not say the word breeders. And then there's a W.C. Fowles. Yeah. My Little Chicken. Yeah, My Little Chicken. Yeah, that's one of all the kids are laughing their asses off with that. A sick W.C. Fields joke. Then you got Splash Dance.

Whoa. That's definitely the porno parody. That's what I'm saying. That are president watches. Yes. Right? But the thing is, there clearly have to be porno parodies because, like, that's who this guy is. He's a man that decorates his house with pornography, I feel.

Or he's a dog. Wall to wall. Wall to wall pornography. And you're not even ashamed if people come over. Like, yeah, I just love it. Hey, this is me. If you don't want to come over, fuck it. Take a good look at it all. His Super Bowl party

last 20 minutes. Everyone's like, no. I got a calendar in the bathroom, too. They're not even going to make it to Lady Duck Duck's halftime show. That's what this movie's fucking Peppered with. And it doesn't stop

there. Like he gets home, looks at all of his posters, gets cantalized, checks the mail what's in there. Ooh, play duck. Play duck. Oh, wait, I missed this. He had a subscription? Oh, he's gotten there. It comes in the mail. Getting pornography mail to your house is kind of tough.

That's rough. It's the 80s, man. Actually, wait a second, though. I don't know, because he pulls it on like a little brown paper sleeve. Oh, to me, that's a bodega purchase. Which is even fucking sadder. It's like, all right, thing of juicy fruit, a bag of Fritas. And could you package up some of that pornography for me?

And also some non-alcoholic duck wine. Can I tell a personal story real quick? Yes, please. You know what? Yep. So I was... Bying pornography. No, I was actually not buying pornography. It was like...

It's a pornography store. It was like 2003. I was at Port Authority, and I was like, I got to ride this train. Let me go to the magazine. that I was like, oh, let me get a, do you got Wizard Magazine back there now? Jesus Christ. Wait, Wizard Magazine in 2003.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Continue. I wanted to see what movies might come out in 20 years. Sure. And the guy, I look, oh, do you have a Wizard magazine back? That guy's Orgy Magazine? And I was like, no, wait, no, no, no, no, no. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Yeah, one orgy coming up. Wizard Magazine. Oh, you know what it's sold out? I got to go get it in the back. Hey, Reggie! need a couple of orgy magazines out here it's for this little short guy in the trench coat and you know what bring out some barely legals too

just in case he might need them they're all Lord of the Rings theme this month you watch your wizards having an orgy I got it for you yes that happened that's it I mean that's the story yeah it's a small person did he bring out the magazine did you say I was like no wizard magazine

and he was like oh I get it never mind cancel that order It's just a comic book catalog for that loser. But you know what? Bring him out anyway. Trying to make a sale here. Give me the hard sell on Orgy magazine? My question is, I mean, the opening of this is so filthy.

Like, he opens this up, and he's like, all right. He makes a joke to himself, sad. He's like, oh, I wonder who they're interviewing this month. It's like, motherfucker, that's for someone else in the room. You know why you're opening this duck porn. And it goes way beyond, because on TV, he's watching TV all of a sudden, and he's got, there's like crotch, itch, itch, ditch, duck powder. Oh, yeah, and he starts scratching his own balls. Is it here?

Yeah, that's it. That's before he decides to look at pornography. It's like, nothing on TV, nothing on TV. Well, it's jorne. Well, I've already touched my gentleness tonight. I'm already halfway there. Yeah, it's called the Rive Up. No, so he opens this thing.

He makes his interview joke, which is sad, and then he flips open this. centerfold and it's just like duck boobs? Yeah. Come on George Lucas and everybody else involved. Like that's the thing. Nobody said no. Yes. No one was like, hang on. Now

sir who's the fan of the comic? Raise your hand there, sir. What is the ratio of duck nudity per comic issue? There's no explicit nudity. It's all implied duck nudity. So this is all Lucas. Got it. Yeah, yeah. Oh, you like comic books?

Do you? You want an orgy magazine? But the thing is, like, the duck nipples are the problem. That's the problem. I mean, like... That's the problem. Actually, women, duck women having breasts at all, we can really sit here and talk till the cows come home. You know what I mean?

Like, we're not going to fight that fight, right? But the nipples is where I really draw the line. Well, like, what is that even? Are they, like, cross-bred with mammals? Yes. That's what I would assume. Is this all, like, an alien experiment? Well, I...

That's a good call. question is why didn't you just turn the camera to the front of the... Did we really need to see it? Yes, that's another good question. You have a stupid puppet eyes go like br-hmm, right? And you know, you know, there's, you know, duck nudity. And frankly, that was enough.

That was plenty. That was plenty. I was done. But my question is, this movie is, it's so filthy. Like, why are we stopping at play deck? Like, why isn't it, like, you know, like, duck house? Duxel. Fowler. Oh, my God. Fowler, yeah. Larry, Larry,

Flint, Larry Duck, a duck Larry Flint essentially? Yeah. I'm in a duck wheelchair. Pervert duck walk. Oh, I've been shot in the pervert duck back. Oh, there goes my wishbone.

Buh. Duckward Norton, I couldn't thank you more. Oh, no, Duck Courtney Love is drowning in advance. Milos Duckman directed a fantastic duck biography of me. As he just writes itself. I'm sorry. But so he gets Ghostbusters

out because like literally... It's a real Zool thing. It is because he's in his like little masturbation chair and it flies something... Baiton chair. Baiton chair. What you said baiting chair? Baiton chair. Yeah, everybody's got one.

Come on down to the Cisco warehouse. We got lots of bait and chairs. We're trying to liquidate all these baiting chairs. I see you got Orgy Magazine. We bought far too many baiting chairs. We can't move them. No, so he gets sucked out into this wormhole, and as Chris was saying, as you do,

you do see a naked lady duck bathing. What? Just come on. That's two in like two minutes. That's too, too many in two minutes. And she's like singing, and it looks like she's getting ready to dine. She's drinking a cocktail, too. Oh, wow.

What'd you say? She's drinking a cocktail. I don't mean that as like a dirty joke. No, yeah, she's got like a glass of wine. She might also be preparing for suicide. You never know that. That's also a possibility. It's a real lonely hearts building.

It's like a sad, like lonely, like singles-only Kirk Van Houghton duck apartment complex. And she's also getting ready to take her own duck life. Oh, man. See, we could have gone so much darker with this movie, Stephen. His boys did such a good job. You cut it down to two duck breasts. It was going to be five.

I'm not even over the fucking first one yet. And the second one just hits you right in the face. I guess that's my question. Was that Lucas's like goal here? It's like, I'm so tired. Oh, those Ewox were so silly. You know, those were for kids. We need something real, man.

I can be salacious, Mark. You know, Stephen, not enough kids movies give you erections. Very true, very true. That's a fact. That's a duck fact. Stephen, there are a couple, and E.D. to its credit. Oh, fucking filthy.

He gets, like, sucked into a different thing. We do see the Earth is shaped like an egg, which makes no sense. Well, it's not the Earth. It's Duck World. Yeah, Duck World. It doesn't make sense, but I'm laughing. Sure. And he, like, we get this weird, like,

space narration from somebody. Oh, God. It's just some, like, Jason Robards rip-off. And he's like, since the dawn of time, the first one has always been, Howard the Duck. He's just like, who cares? I know. I fucking know.

I just watched him almost masturbate. I know what this movie's about. And I also saw the poster of Just the Duck and, you know, pointers going, would you fuck this duck? They also say that every reality exists that you can think of, right? So that's why there's explain. that's what I don't like these alternate reality things

where like the pop culture is the same yeah yeah don't you get creative they have the same font on rolling egg magazine oh that's just a bunch of chuckles that means like there was a duck World War II I guess and there was like

oh duck Hitler the battle at Duckirk the battle at Duckirk fucking fucking Duckler dude I remember where I was when Duck F. Kennedy got shot I remember exactly where I think

Joseph gobbles? Minister of propaganda? I mean, I'll give it to you. Fine. That's turkeys, but I'll give it to you. Some of turkeys. Do you think there was like a deleted idea? You know, there's like that famous

unproduced script of Seinfeld where Elaine buys a gun and it's like a whole thing. Do you think there was a rejected script of duct tails where they like, where they brought back from... Had sex? Lots of sex. That's the only thing. No, no, no, no. I was going to say they brought Adolf Duckler back from the grave.

No, they said they would rewrite history. Yeah. And they might solve a mystery. So the mystery of how that fucker got in the present day. I could see Scrooge McDuck as like a historical revisionist. Well, you know, not all the truths out there. Who knows what kind of gold he's got in that, too. Yeah, that's.

Who knows? I don't know the provenance of all that gold. Where the fuck did all those paintings come from? Okay. No, no, no, the duck accosts never happened. Oh, yeah. I don't know what you thought you were going to get. So he winds up in Streets of Fire, which is kind of cool.

Which right away, I'm like, man, I wish I was watching Streets of Fire. What a fucking cool movie that is. Yeah, right? Streets of Fire. Four people, great. Wait, Walter Hills Howard, the Duck. He's definitely got a sawed-off shotgun. Yeah. I'm sorry, I sawed-up duck gun.

But that makes more... I mean, like, the problem is he's talking like he's a ninja turtle, right? He's like, oh, gosh, he's, like, really cute. He should be, like, voiced by Danny DeVito. You know what I mean? Yes. It should be gruff and mean and, like, ah, fuck, I got another cigar. Like, that's like, oh, God.

You can't have a character that's constantly chomping on cigars, and then he's like, oh, hey, buddy. He's got to be in my mouth. It's fucking melting out of my body. I keep smoking cigars. If every reality exists, then there's a planet of Danny DeVito's. Oh, my God. Oh, you know what, man?

Get me a fucking rocket to that town. Are you kidding me? Oh, man, you'd be on the basketball team. You'd be the Kareem Abdul-Jabbar of Danny DeVito World. You finally figured out how I could be a basketball soon. Yeah, exactly. Just find my way to you a planet of Danny DeVito's. Man, the movie Twins kind of makes sense now.

So we meet Leah Thompson, and the only way we can have any kind of meat cute in any universe is if there is some sort of like almost sexual assault, right? It's the 1980s, and that's what we have to do. The only way a woman can meet a man is if the man saves her from sexual assault. Or if a duck meets a woman. Yeah, or a duck. You could put a duck in there if you want. That duck has to be hiding in a garbage can.

and then he waits kind of too long to do something about it. He's thinking about it. It's really not like a knee-jerk reaction. It's like, hey, what's going on up there? Should I? Okay. And he employs quack foo,

which if you want to leave now, the doors are wide open. Like, really, just, just, you could file right out. But I look, he makes a big deal about, like, you don't fuck with someone who knows quack foe. And then just this little person in a suit jumps down and hits somebody with a garbage can'top. And I was like, that's not a martial art of any kind.

Well, he's also, like, doing a crouching tiger move. Like, he floats up and, like, balances on the lid. Well, I can do wire work. Sure. I could fight people with garbage. I've seen it. Just huck and trash. That's your finishing move.

Gonna hit you with old eggshells. Yeah, coffee grinds. Ha. Get them right in the eyes. Right, yeah. Fight dirty, fight trash The red eye We do see

That's your wrestling finishing move Yeah We do see Leah Thompson's band Who are called the Cherry Bombs And the music is kind of great In this movie The best part of this movie Hands out right

It's great soundtrack Except for that theme song Oh the theme song is fantastic Oh maybe it's quacktastic It's a bit quacktastic And like we kind of She like is like Oh thanks so much for saving me

and they have this thing where he's like I don't know lady I gotta go my way you gotta go yours and it's like whatever man you're fucking in a world of people he doesn't react appropriately to being on a planet of things that don't look like that goes both ways though because everyone's like

oh cool like a talking person duck awesome they all think he's in a costume yeah that's the thing that's your like go away or your go to and the screenplay is like oh he's in a Halloween costume it's a little baby in a Halloween and somebody threw him into this punk club Somebody spent $4.5 million to make this costume, I guess, for this baby.

Which can I just say, when you get to the blissful end credits of this movie, it's like, you know, Leah Thompson is Beverly, whatever the fuck, Jeffrey Jones, he's going places. Jail. No, that's the party skip somehow. But so then it's like this list of like Howard, Howard, Howard, Howard, Howard, Howard. and I was like, how many skeletons you find in this thing? There's like eight fucking Howard's, man. All right, last reel.

We got to kill the new Howard. Apparently they cast a kid at first I read on Wikipedia, and then the kid had a horrible time. He was, like, tormented in this suit. Well, you know, a child can't perform quack food. I mean, I guess the question is, what's the crossover ratio between those Howard's and the brood? probably a lot

yeah no a couple of those brooders were in there you get these like Canadian little people actors bus them into Cleveland well maybe Ewarks oh yeah oh a couple of former George George I got some pipe hitting Ewox man

they'll come they'll be in your duck movie dude this movie's gonna be for real I met a lot of those ewarks we smoked a lot of weed they were like George you need to deliver us a very foul duck to play

and I took that seriously Seriously. They said, George, we want to fuck. Get it's a row weekend fucking. And he wants up going home with her, and like, she's like, oh, you know, there's like a nice touching rain scene. And, like, she's like, hey. Which I don't need in this crass comic book movie, by the way. I don't think you feel sad for this fucking monster.

This tiny fucking sweet-talking monster, man. It's disgusting. And it's not even, like, if you want to continue the Bogart thing, that's fine. But he doesn't have a trench coat. No. Give that duck a trench coat. Although that would set up something, you know. Yeah, yeah.

Well, that's what it should be. You're right. That's what he wants. That's what the Ninja Turtles did. She just ripped them off wholesale. Conduct yourself like a fucking Ninja Turtle. Whoa, look at my shell. Oh, you saw it.

And then they run away. They were definitely flashers. Yes, they would have to be. Because they would wear those trench coats and they'd go to the fucking 42nd Street back in the day. Yep. Yeah.

In like 1989, you know what's going on. They see their porno parodies. And then they go outside. and then they start flashing. Yeah. Well, there was only Raphael, though. I think that's what Casey Jones was doing in that park. There's some sort of flasher.

I've got to beat the shit out of him. Oh, he's like a Flash Avenger? Yeah, exactly. I thought he's like, you're getting in on my turf, other Flasher. So this is kind of like the rudest part of the movie. She's like, hey, I'll take you in, alien that's like kind of scary to me,

but I'm going to be nice and lend a hand. You save me from being murdered or whatever. And he gets into the apartment. and he's like, man, what a shithole. You're just like, whoa, duck. Yeah, that's a second. It's pretty nice. It's...

It's huge. If you had to shout something. No, it is. It's an awesome apartment. I mean, you're paying like five large for this thing, man. It's huge. It's a warehouse. A, it's 1985. B, it's Cleveland, and C, I'm pretty sure she has a drug problem in this movie. Like, that's the only explanation.

fan theory coming through I really think that in between scenes this character is shooting up heroin left and rides you go cool man you can flop on my couch duck oh man I made friends last night with this talking duck man

he's helping me write songs man hey Beverly Beverly why are you always wearing long sleeve shirts he's made a songwriting I don't ask you what you do on your off hours duck I asked for the same thing back, man.

And she's just shooting toot the whole time. I think. You know what? It's unconfirmed. So she's like, oh, you know, he tells his sob story. He's like, I guess, like, this rich duck. Like, he's like, oh, my parents sent me to duck medical school, but I dropped out, and everyone wanted whatever for me. Or like, because he wanted to pursue duck music.

Yes. Yeah. What was his man, Howard and the Heartbreakers? And then he stopped. became an ad copywriter and she's like oh man you're still down you mind if I like this

but it's like it's this crazy example of duck privilege because he's like he's like my parents were putting me up through med school and I told them to fuck off man and now I'm a copywriter at this duck ad agency and he holds up like a bottle

of perfume and gives this like duck spiel about this perfume bottle and I'm like man you got this perfume account, this is a big deal Don Draper thing. Oh, man, yes. Oh, my God, did you think he was in the... Duck Draper?

No, he might... He was in the Duck War and there was another Howard the Duck that was his sergeant. Maybe this, like, who we know is Howard was like, Dick the Duck. And his dad was kicked to death by a horse or...

Spoiler alert for, like, the first season of Madman, just, just FYI. I mean, if you're not cut up at this point. Wait, no. Would the Ducks and Duck World ride horses or would something else evolve to fill that role? Well, Planet of the Apes, they were riding horses. That's true.

Yeah, I think horses are the constant throughout the universe. We're not like riding Danny DeVito Centaur at Danny DeVito World. Holy fuck, if I had to go into battle. Doing it on the back of a Danny DeVito centaur, hey, Andrew, get on. Let's take them down, like a hop from hell. And Danny DeVito's like shooting arrows at the same time.

Fuck yeah, dude. The body comes with everything. This is the kind of beastiality I wanted to move. Closer to Centar Saxon? Santar Davito. He was kind of a centaur on that Hercules movie, right? He was like an imp or something. Oh, I thought you were talking about taxi.

Well, yeah, he'd never get out of that booth. Get on, the meters running. I got horse legs back here. Hey, Latka, fill my stable with hay. Fucking starving. Whatever. But so she's like putting him to bed, right? He's like, hey man, you can crash wherever.

So he like flops out. And she goes through his wallet, which is what you should do if you bring a strange duck into your house. Absolutely. I mean, you know, stranger duck or otherwise. Rifle through their things in general. Get the backstory.

story. And it's like, you know, he's got like a lot of pictures of, like, his family and she feels bad, you know what I mean? And I tell you my favorite duck photo? Oh, please. It's not in his wallet, but you just reminded me. So to add to like the sob story of like he's about to commit suicide at the beginning of this movie, you

see this like shot of like all of his like family photos and whatnot. It's like him as a kid and he's like driving a little like duck tractor or something. And then his parents are hugging him. And then there's just I don't know, it's probably like his cool uncle. There's just a duck dressed up like a hippie

in like this field of weed and this guy's got like a great smile on his face and I was like where's that movie what is that dude's deal was he in the comic because I'll buy a fucking compendium it's quack which is like the duck

version of blow essentially he's like a duck Johnny Depp is a duck Paul Rubin's like there's a lot of yeah well he also has a well I guess it would be cool hand quack picture where it's the two women next to him

and he's like I'm having a great time and then he actually faked it probably oh yeah dude totally so she's going through it she finds like it's credit card or whatever like duckster card there's a duck George Washington which you know what man let's not even talk about no I will talk about it because it's the

laziest piece of graphic design of the movie it was just a dollar and you can see where some intern taped a fucking bill over it Oh, I thought it was Sharpie. It might have been sharp. Yeah, you get those doodles. You get those funny people that doodle on money. Good God, is that a wasted time?

Well, listen. So you get this thing, and it's like, if you got this bill, Kevin did it. They hate that shit. Don't pass me that currency. If there's an ape Lincoln, which there is. It's confirmed there is an ape Lincoln. And, you know, Planet of the Apes movies and shit. Yeah.

You know, mostly shit. Then there should be a duck Washington. All right. He cannot... Different opinions on weirdies. And Mallard Adams. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Played by Paul Diage... I can't do it. Oh, wow. I almost had a seizure on stage by trying to do that. He blew it, PG. He almost turned your name into a duck joke.

He was this quack and close. You know, I tried, and the words just aren't coming out of my bill. They're just not coming out. You know, this is said in Cleveland. Why isn't there Harvey P. Oh, man. Oh, yeah, Harvey Quack car, dude.

I rode it bus with Howard the Duck. He's got a high voice. He had a high voice. So, yeah, Bob. He's passed away. I didn't make fun of it. I pointed out that he passed away. Paul Giamati's dead.

Oh, break. No, you fucking dare. You hold your bill, sir. So Bob Crumb introduced me to a real. cool cat named Howard the duck. Check it out, man. I took him with me to Letterman. So while going through his wallet,

we have to address it, she pulls out a condom. And it's not just any old condom. Because if it's any old condom, you're not taking a hat off in public. And by any old condom, you mean a wrapped condom. Yes.

Yeah, it's a loose prophylactic, man. he's reusing that shit where's Frank Oz to be disgusted by this when prophylactic soiled it's disgusting you know George I saw your new movie the other night

I walked out of the duck condom scene it just didn't make any sense you know what else doesn't make any sense this condom is shaped like an egg why now some guy on Twitter I don't know if you're here someone tweeted at me that apparently

duck penises are not like human ones. I would think not. What fucking scientist sent you that information? Is it Neil DeGrasse, Tyson? Yeah, he finally got back to me. He's fact-checking Howard the Duck. Actually, if there was a duck world.

Well, the weird thing is, like, she looks at it and she goes, oh, Howard, which is not. the appropriate reaction. No, it's... No, she didn't burn her hand off immediately, so... But also, like, here's the thing. If any of you, these are my

dearest friends on stage, if you guys found a duck condom, and you didn't call me immediately? Like, you have to call everyone you know. Where would I find a duck condo? That's... Great question. Now, wait a second. You're saying that... So, let's say it's me. I'm in Beverly and the Cherry

Bonds. Sure, sure, sure. And so I finish a gig, and then out in the rain, I meet a duck who saves me from assault. Sure. I bring this talking duck home and I find an egg-shaped loose condom in this duck's wallet. You want me to call you to tell you that I found a loose

condom in a wallet. Well, yeah. Not, hey man, first things first, there's a fucking talking duck at my house. The condom is the first priority? You lead with that and then I say wait, what? And you're like, there's a talking duck. That's how you grab the attention. No, that is burying

the lead, friend. Is that what Wizard Magazine did? No, I think that was an orgy, though, that month. I don't know. So, like, she takes him to Tim Robbins, who's, like, a buddy of hers, who's, like, a work set of whatever.

You know what? Here's the thing. Okay. Here's the thing. I love Tim Robbins. I'm curious as to how much the budget for this movie was boosted by all the hospital bills they had to take. Tim Robbins in the emergency room to get his stomach pumped

from all the scenery that he was eating in this movie. Whoa. I thought you were going to say something else. No, no, no, I was not going to say anything else. Scenery, okay. Yeah, because this dude is chow and down. Well, I think this is why Susan Sarandon said goodbye. She said goodbye fucking 20 years later? I think it was building up over the years.

That motherfucker was in Howard the Duck. Yeah, I know he was in Mystic River, too. But he was in Howard the Duck. Flip it through the channels. Oh, wait. What's on Cinemax, Howard the Duck? Oh, my God, my husband. No.

No. Wait, do you think Susan Sarandon has Cinemax? Yep. Susan Saranin has a fucking sick cable pack. The fucking full gamut, man. Okay, yeah. Yeah, HBO, Showtime, the works. She's even got those stupid things like Showtime Extreme,

encore family. She watches that pirate show they do. That's on stars, right? Yeah, that's how much Susan Sarandan loves cable TV. I was going to say, I was got fucking stars. I was going to say, unfortunately, if you say Pirate show, you have to explain yourself because there's about

500 of them now. Is that right? Something like that. Yeah, well, you're the one that writes up TV shows. That's true. Pirate expert, Chris Cabin. Remember that? Yeah, you said there's a difference between gun pirates and sword pirates? I did. You know the whole thing. Yeah, that was a real controversy. It's an important

distinction to be made. Now, which kinds of pirates are on that black sales program? I think they're gun pirates. But they dip into sword piracy. Oh, that's why it got canceled. Which are the ones in Orgy Magazine? So, he, like, Tim Robbins is like, oh, man, it's the scientific discovery of a millennium and all this shit. And, like, we go through duck evolution for a little bit.

He talks for a second, like a Donald Duck, like, oh, that's cute. It is pretty cute. And I was curious because at this point, he does, like, blah, blah, blah, that kind of thing. That's terrible. That's fine. But Mel Blank is credited in this movie, and I was like, did they dub Tim Robbins with Mel Blank, or does Tim Robbins

do a really sick Daffy the duck? We'll never know. You've got to ask Jack Black for that. Those two are tight. Jack Black is your end to Tim Robbins, I think, is the idea. These days, I would think so, yeah. But it's so stupid. He's going through this duck evolution, and I'm like, hey, man, I saw

the beginning of the movie. This is for no one's benefit, but Literally Leah Thompson. Howard the duck knows the deal. We've already seen naked ducks. Yes. Yeah. What more do I need?

Also, are you really thinking I care about the backstory of this duck? I've already seen him flying through space. Yep. I just don't need it. I saw him almost masturbate. I'm also curious, like, so there's a dinosaur, like, in Marrier Brothers, it's a dinosaur world. You know what I mean? Like, every time.

There's Danny DeVito world. There might be a Tim Robbins planet. that way is the Danny DeVito planet kind of like the aliens from Space Jam? Oh yeah okay because Danny DeVito's voicing one of those aliens you guys come on

he's the one wearing the sandals like your Greek landlord a lot of people living in Greek-owned buildings I see I like that at this point there's like a fake breakup he's like I don't need you baby and I'm like yes you do

you're gonna die She's your only attachment to this planet you know nothing about. And she's got a couch you can sleep on. Dude, that's pretty sweet. The only other person you know on this planet is busy chewing a hole in the wall. I was going to say, you have to wipe off the needles off the bed every night. Then it gets better. It's a roof over your head at least.

We do get into Howard the Duck's wardrobe at this point because he goes for a job interview for some reason because this movie needed to be an hour and 50 minutes long. We did to see him go ahead. That's a tragedy. And he goes... It's shorter than Star Wars. Thank God. All right, I have two requirements.

One, it has to be shorter than my last movie. And two duck nipples. I will not move on either of these things. And I'll shoot with me as long as you want. We're not moving. Anything else, I don't care. You can bring duckler back from the grave. I don't give a shit.

You know, why aren't the duck breast-shaped? like eggs. If everything else is shit. Yeah, that's a great. You know what? Great question. It's a very good one. It's a great question. I mean, they just look like painted grapefruits, so I don't... They do. No, he's right. It sounds like a great name. There's nothing else to say about it.

It sounds like a great name for a bar. Painted grapefruit? That no one would go to. Oh, hey, did you hear painted grapefruits totally went out of business? But their grand opening was this morning. Yep. Painted grapefruits.

A girlfriend has a birthday party on the 13th? Are you guys going to have room for all these people? Nope, we will be out of business on the 11th. So he says, like, he talks about his, he's got this cool outfit out and he's like, oh man, I had to rob a goodwill for this outfit, but he

has so many costume changes. The outfits they put this duck in. I mean, he mentions that he robbed the children's section of a goodwill. This is like the heist of the century. Hey man, better movie, right? Just some space duck robin goodwill's. Oh, yeah.

Or, oh, listen, it's the Lathansa heise from Goodfellas. Right? But it's just, we're robbing this Goodwill. And he's, like, yelling at these other ducks about wearing, like, fur coats, driving pink duck Cadillacs. I was thinking it was more like him and Tim Robbins than hell or high water. Oh, wow. Fuck, yeah.

Yes. Yes. A lot of good people died in that Goodwaters. Will robbery duck. My partner had a family duck. A bunch of used clothes flying out the back of this car. Slow motion

into the breeze. Doctor could get away with it too. I knew it was the duck banks money. More of you have to see hell or high water. It's a really good movie. Then those jokes will play. He goes back to the

club and Leah Thompson's playing again. Question. Yes. Which band is better? The Cherry Boms or Cassandra's band in Wainsworth? The Cherry Bonds. All right, let's a little going to clap there. Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Shh, shh. So, all right, who thinks that Cassandra from Wainsworth's band is better? Okay. Okay, okay, okay, hang on, hang on, hang on. Why you want to break my heart? And the man in the backs is every

Everybody got in a turn to do a ballroom, let's ballroom. All right, wait, so now, all right, hang on. Sure. Yeah. What's the Beverly and the what? The cherry bombs. Oh, the cherry bombs. Cherry bombs.

Oh, all right. Well, it seems kind of even. That seems like a dead tithe. Okay, now, how about cold slither? No. What? No, I think that one lost, Eric. They're from G.I. Joe's.

Yeah, we know. We know. We're aware. They don't. We know. The divide is on the stage. So we meet her scummy manager, and he kind of gets into a big bar fight with Richard Edson and other people. It's kind of fun. Isn't Ruben Blades the other guy? No, it's not Ruben Blades.

Oddly, there's a sign in this movie in an alley that just says Ruben Blades. He was like a, I don't know, he was like friends with the production desires of them. I think it was just a knife store. you know it might have been a sign indicating a knife store was nearby or a deli one or the other either way I'm happy

that's all that matters to me man he winds up freeing her from this like oppressive contract that she kind of talks about and like to me the movie should be him managing this band you know what I mean like let's he gets her a record contract

they cut an album it's Josie and the Pussy Cats with a cigar smoking humanoid duck What a great movie Buy me two tickets He locks her in the bathroom for a weekend to get over the stuff

Yeah totally Oh man you get like a crawling duck baby Like train spotting That'd be pretty cool right Duck for life I don't know Maybe that's in T2 20 years later Or whatever they're calling that thing

and yeah but it sort of takes a turn at this point because like it's a different movie well first we kind of have to talk about the almost sex scene oh man is this fucking hot or what or what man or what

it's fucking hot it's this and basic instinct and that's it so she goes they go back to Leah Thompson's place and like she's all messed up it's a Wednesday night because she's like Letterman's coming on in two minutes Oh, man, I always try to be in bed for Letterman, man.

That's how I know I got to piss out. Take me to bed, Dave. I got to be asleep before the top ten, or I won't get up in the morning. Oh, man, tears the fears as the musical. That would be pretty cool. But she's like, oh, how the duck buys, in this heist, gets a full-on wardrobe, like pajamas, a robe. If you are desperate for clothing

and you're going to rob the children's section of a goodwill You take what you can get And you get out of there Yes You're not like, you know, I might be sleeping over at some lady's house I need some PJs And a house robe I haven't had pajamas in like 15 years

This duck is walking around better than me Oh, he's definitely walking around better than me And he's somehow found pajamas with ducks on them? Yeah, that was fortunate. What luck. I want pajamas with people on them. A couple of nice little naked guys.

Just a bunch of people shaking hands. Oh, yeah, yeah, man. People looking at their phones, checking Twitter. Just this audience. Yeah. That'd be good pajamas. Eric's like, I would love you all on my pants. And then I'll write the words juicy over you.

Put it on my bottom. Those are pants I've never understood. Well, actually, speaking of juicy, we get some Howard the Duck twerking for a second. Howard the Duck, what, I'm sorry? Twerking. Twerking. He's like dancing.

He starts, like, riffing because he was, you know, he's a music star back on Duck World. And, like, he's like, oh, I'm feeling the beat. And his ass is jiggling. And I'm like, what am I watching? Leah Thompson comes into the room, and she's just, like, staring at him for her. Like, that's my man.

Yeah. Yep. You're totally right. Just do it. Just keep doing it. Because she's like, hey Howard, let's go to bed. And she's like very scantily clad at this point. It's like, okay, it's a real I got kids here. Okay? Because it's a 1986 Leah Thompson walks in.

This robe is open, man. This robe is open. And this duck is there in child's pajamas. It gets worse than worse. Signals. And like he hops into bed with her. And like he kind of makes like a joke. like, oh, we should have duck sex, quack, quack, quack.

And then she's, like, apparently joking back to him, but she, like, starts, like, feeling him up. No, she's like, yeah, okay. It's not a joke, man. This is, they're getting, she's trying to get it. It's weird, because she, like, slips her hand in his duck pajamas, and he's, like, rubbing his duck nipples. He gets a feather erection.

Yeah, we see that happen. It just goes, like, br-dr-w-low. It would be great if she puts her hand, and he's like, oh, God, I touched a nipple. No, you know what? this is going to work. I really didn't expect you to have duck nipples. Oh, my God.

What is, what is this under your feather? Oh, my, oh, my God. And then she spends the rest of the movie at her mother's house cleaning out. You know what it means? Just getting clean for a bit. Yeah, totally. You got to dry out, dude. Mm-hmm.

But no, Tim Robbins and the third act of Jeffrey Jones show up. And here's how you know your movie's in trouble, right? where I'm sitting there, and I'm like, man, where is Jeffrey Jones? You know, I see the opening credits. It's Leah Thompson. Ed Gale is a duck, a suited duck, right?

And then they tell me Jeffrey Jones, right? So I'm watching the clock. Where's Jeffrey Jones? Well, that's what the authorities were asking. They, too, were watching a clock. Tonight, a Hollywood actor, with a red mustache. Maybe you could help solve a mystery.

You know him from films such as Beetlejuice and Howard that, no, you don't know that one. He was the dad in Beetlejuice. Ferris Bueller's Day Off. He has a small part in Humphor Red October. You military fellows will know that one. Look at my trench coat. He also wears one.

Fucking stack, man. What a genius. He shows up and they're like They interrupt this situation We get some shadow play though Yeah there is well because he's like Oh she's like oh I was just joking Howard That way like the MPAA is okay with this movie Yeah I was just joking Howard

Let's just make out Let's shuffle away from this NC17 real quick You know what Howard let's just keep it to some over the close business No Correct I know you know that's what we're saying It's disgusting Well, I was, Stephen, I was watching Fritz the cat the other day

and I was like, why isn't this in three dimensions? I need three dimensions. I mean, I was fine with two. It got the job done. Oh, man. Whatever. He jerks off the cartoons, maybe. And they're like, oh, my God, and Jeffrey Jones throws up, which takes a lot.

Yeah, I was like, wow. You even got him. All right. So they basically run the facility that had the laser or whatever, and nobody cares because they're like, manage that band. Well, this explanation, I don't know, we need Neil deGrasse Tyson for this. Yeah, is this possible? What's the deal?

There's a laser. Yeah. And they point it into the outer space, and they shoot it, and it brought back a duck. I don't even know, like, what is the original intention of this experiment? I don't know. Catching ducks. Duck laser. catch him in bed with a duck

that's what fucking Jeffrey Jones did he walked in he's like I caught him in bed with a duck oh infoducks dot com Info duck deastiality Alex duck for infiducks

dot com yeah that's right I do advise the president my name is prison duck I don't leave my house prison lake white duck genocide is happening

so I don't even know where the hell we are in this movie the laser and space yes yes yes yes yeah that laser that makes no sense and they're like oh can I say one quick and it's another gross thing about this movie oh please so I don't know what the deal was

with the special effects department in this movie but you see this like laser portal that opens or whatever it's like footage from a colonoscopy yeah it's just like pink ribbed tube Okay, there's going to be three conditions. The last one is a ribbony tube that he goes through

that reminds you quite a lot of an anus. I have some pictures here for you. Just a sampling. It's kind of like a book of carpet squares. Maybe it was a cut scene, and they're like, well, we cycle that footage. I call it my lookbook. Wait, it was a cut scene from George Lucas's colonoscopy? How much blue screen was in that?

D-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-la-da-da-ha clean. Wow, what a wretched hive's got a good-a-old. Yeah, wow, two-star. You shouldn't applaud that. Oh, why not? So they're like, we're going to send you home, Howard. The laser works both ways for some reason. He's like, yeah, sure, why not?

You just made this shit up, sure, whatever. So they drive back, and there's, like, this off-screen accident that happens, and, like, everybody's dead. It's not treated appropriately, though, first of all. Because they're like, oh, let's open the door to this science facility, and the dude walks out with a melting face. And he's like, don't go in there! Whatever he did! And Howard's just like, man, that's unfurred.

fortunate. And they just walk by and this guy just melts or something. I don't know. Poor bastard. They find out the cops show up for some reason and Strip Howard the duck down. And surprise, surprise.

Now there's a dark overlord inside Jeffrey Jones. Nobody saw that. That's some excuse, Jeffrey. And he will say anything. The Dark Overlord made me do it. And I don't know, man. Like, you know, this turns into the movie now.

It's like he's like kind of changing in terms of to kind of a Jeffrey Jones body horror movie a little bit. All of a sudden, David Cronenberg took over. It's going to say. It's disgusting. There's like a giant tentacle that comes out of his mouth. Oh, yep. Yeah.

All right. Okay. four conditions. I just thought of one more. I just love thinking up conditions. But they go to this diner, and we get the longest fucking diner scenes since Reservoir Dogs.

I was going to say since fucking diner. How many ducks is that? You replace Dix with ducks. Yeah, yeah. That's it. Every day, duck, duck, duck, duck. I used to listen to Madad Duck. I like the early stuff like borderline. Wouldn't it be

Maduka? Oh, Maducca might be it. Yeah. But they're at this diner and like it takes forever. Jeffrey Jones is telling you the whole goddamn movie and you're like, can I leave? Can I just leave? By the way they're sitting down for this this detente.

That's one way to call it, yeah. At Joe Roma's Cajun sushi. Well, you got to remember Chris Cabin. Sure. This is 1986. We are smack dab in the middle of America's panic with Japanese cuisine.

But also to call it cage and sushi, it's like, oh, wait, you know, Stephen, there's some people in the back not throwing up yet. So what? You would wrap, like, fried? Gotta catch them all, Stephen. It's like just raw tuna with, like, old bay season. Well, I thought it would be rice. Yeah, it's disgusting.

Rice wrapped around fried alligator, and then for the Roma just, like, put, like, put, like, like spaghetti sauce on it. Oh, yeah. It's fusion. It's just raw gumbo. And like... Any way you slice it, it's disgusting. It's a stupid joke that this movie made.

For those you that saw the movie, anybody noticed Barb from Stranger Things as the waitress? That was nice. That was a nice twist for Barb. I thought it was Jennifer Jason Lee. It could have been, too. Or maybe her aunt or something. Janet Jason Lee.

And then, like, so everyone's like, oh, hey, there's a fucking human duck in this restaurant, right? And this is one of those, like, oh, it's got to be a kid in a Halloween costume. But he's, like, asking for a beer, and he's lighting up things kids shouldn't do. He asked for the special. He gets eggs. That's a fun joke. He starts, he's like, what am I a cannibal? And I was like, what am I caring about this?

Let's fucking get to it. Jeffrey Jones has a demon inside of him. Address that. Yeah, it's a space demon. Now, is that tied to Event Horizon at all? Oh, you know what? Yeah, we might have opened the gates of hell. Yeah, it's a shared cinematic universe.

And Tim Robbins is just in a big dome with bloody eyes. I am beyond the ducks. Tim Robbins is busy folding paper and putting a pencil through it. I think you can explain a lot of things in movies if you just, like, do that thing. And then you have other characters like, oh, yeah. You bend the... He folded the paper and did the pencil through you. Why are you divorcing me?

you bend the feather of time and space that's right Neil de duck Tyson to duck Tyson he's a duck that ruins things for everyone he's like oh no there's fun let me just fucking start tweeting quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack

would his avatar like just be that thing if you don't have a picture on Twitter oh oh the egg In Duckworld, it doesn't mean like you're an anonymous racist It just means you're It just means you're in duck world They all have

And like he's got the Jeffrey Jones has like the dump sweats This whole scene You know like he's just really And his voice too His voice is holding in a shit voice I will kill everyone That's coming here

I just want a beer And a place to sit This is also possibly where Mel Blanks doing some voiceover work. Also possible. Yeah, we got to figure this out. Also, like, hey, Mel, you can do like Daffy Duck and like a thousand other voices because you do like Jeffrey Jones with the shit sweats. Oh, you can because you're a genius? Perfect.

I was going to say, the further he gets along here, Steve, does he not look like he could, if not for the troubles? You know, he says that a lot. A lot. Could he not be a brainiac? Oh, you could have been a pretty good brainiac. Oh, he would have been a rad brainiac, yeah. Definitely.

Not too bad. This kind of devolves into the monsters are on Maple Street because everyone goes mad. It's one thing if you're like, oh, there's a duck. That's so weird. Let's call the police. They're like, let's cook it up. And I'm like, what the fuck?

Because this thing is like talking and clearly has feelings. Like, let's cut its fucking head off. And this, aren't you tempted? I mean, a little bit. I'm tempted from the first. scene of the movie. I wanted him to commit suicide.

Cook him up. What? Cook him up. Cook them up. No, well that's, I mean, this is a blood thirsty, these Hicks get, man. Because they lay this thing down on a table. They didn't even take his clothes off. They're like seasoning him and they put a fucking celery stick in his mouth. They're ready to go. They're pouring salt all over

his crotch. Yes, they are. Which is disgusting. They eat his clothes? Yeah. Those are human clothes. That doesn't even make any sense. Oh, but you know what? They're hot from the goodwill so they taste. Oh, no. Oh, yeah, you know what? Howard the Duck didn't do that, like, traditional,

what you should do always. You got to wash it first, right? Oh, yeah. How the Duck's going to get big, but... Yeah. Howard the Duck with crabs? That'd be, like, duck crabs. That's awesome.

Yeah, that'd be great. I mean, he's... That had another dimension to this if he was, like, combating an STD. Well, that with the band manager... Yes, that's more. That would fit. It all fits.

You know what? Because he's definitely getting an STD. At least one. So Jeffrey Jones starts zapping people with fucking force lightning because George Lucas just had it in his house.

Like, come on over to the ranch, man. I can get you lightning coming out of fingers. I got that. I got lightning coming out of my ass. Come on over here. You want a blue or green? I can do both.

And he has both. That's what I was confused. I was confused. I was like, is this a bad guy or a good guy? Um, the rest of this movie is like, uh, he kidnaps Leah Thompson because, of course, he does, right? And then, uh, Howard the Duck tries to go after her with Tim Robinson. We get in this gyrocopter or whatever. This is so long.

It's so long. It's like at least... It's the entire The Leopard. It's like a three-hour Italian film. Yeah, sorry, everybody. Yeah. Come on. Yeah, it's probably really like 20 minutes.

Fine. Godfather, too. Yeah. Uh, yeah, no, you know what? need it's this fucking puppet in a gyrocopter. You know, I know what Launchpad McQuack is. And that dunts does it a lot better. You, sir, are no Launchpad McQuack.

Man, if you ever hear that, you're failing at something hard. I wish that laser pointed to the Duck Suburbs of Duckburg and brought Launchpad are someone more interesting than Howard. Oh, you know what? In Duck World, by the way, would you have a parody film called, like, Launchy,

it's like this duck has to land a plane on a river directed by Clint Duckwood Oh no I got an alcohol problem Miracle on the pond I was gonna say that'd be more emotionally compelling because he has to kill all the geese Oh wow

I'm fucking sorry Oh dude they'd hang him for that They would hang you for that Duck World oh that'd be a great ending Sully should have got hanged at the end of that that man might be a hero I don't know I didn't see that movie I didn't either but I just want

Oh is that the tagline Sully he might be a hero Watch and find out By this on standard definition DVD And give it to your dad for Father's Day I don't None of us was like That's the only way you're watching that movie

None of us were there man He might have fucked with that plane Just to like make it look like he's a hero I'm just imagining they have to take out a warehouse and there's just all these duck body bags lined up on the rows

It'd be great They're all going to restaurants Oh man, you went darker than I do Jeffrey Jones goes to a nuclear power plant and promptly must give Leah Thompson cancer Right? He opens this thing And I was like, you know I saw Spock do this one time killed that motherfucker right quick man duck spock

oh duck spock dude yeah yeah there's gotta be little long and quackspur star ducks and shit like that yeah oh totally oh you it's all there thinking of the whatever the the star trek thing he has like weird little hand pads I don't like the hand pads like why doesn't he just have like a fully feathered hand hand he's got these like little like monkey handpies well listen dude how is he going to pleasure himself with just two fucking wings I think then you just slap it

Well you know what Chris Cabin you crack the case Moving on I forgot what Big Bird had Did he have hands or did he have wings? Oh he's got hands He's got hands? Yeah So he masturbates

Off hours of course Clearly Well he struggles every day I mean With what? Just it, you know what I mean? Yeah You know what Steve I get you man

my question about that nuclear reactor scene is like Jeffrey Jones is just wearing a suit and it says like visitor I was like can I just go to like Indian point and be like give me the tour show me around for a little bit show me how this thing works but you've already got a cling on forehead

and are profusely sweating you are minute by minute looking more like John Carpenter somehow no offense of the mass of horror, but this is what they're dolling them up like, I don't know. Or Albert Einstein, if you will. A little bit, yeah. I've got Doc Brown hair at some point. He does

have Doc Brown hair, yeah. It's gross. He's like slimy like a gremlin or something. He does totally look like a gremlin at some point. They wind up, I mean, this gyrocopter scene goes for, they're falling, they're not falling, they're on the water, they're not on the water.

There is some, there's some, like, really precarious like live action stunts of this part right here, because, like, Tim Robbins has to fix the stupid thing and Howard the Duck's an idiot so he he like jerks the wheel and Tim Robbins falls so he's like hanging upside down like dangling and whatnot and I was like man can you imagine

if you're the stunt man on this movie you fucking died making Howard the Duck oh Jesus Christ it's like oh yeah this movie's dedicated to Bill Howard the Duck for you Bill we miss you brother

wait my poor husband died while yelling at a duck Muppet a duck it you know that sounds a little bit indignified honestly yeah no it's a little bit it's a really shitty way to go and you know like whatever we get to the final ish battle here

he's got Leah Thompson strapped to a table we love looking at her legs in this movie the camera's like eh hi kids oh let's go up slowly move it up one one One?

Oh, there's the thigh. It's kind of like the end of like a bad Bond movie. Yeah, there's a superfluid. She's literally laying under a laser. And, you know, then it's like there's a big explosion, and they're like, oh, hey, that monster got knocked out of Jeffrey Jones' body. And you're like, wait, what? Wouldn't he just explode?

That's the thing. Jeffrey Jones makes it to the credits of this film. which he needs to be like a fucking skin sack like a pile of shit on the floor. You do that, and they show this thing and it's like a big weird hairy house what was that? Harry Houser. Ray Hary Houser. Yeah. Scorpion type of nasty

thing. And it's like that came out of his body. How is he not just like painting the walls? He just burst open like a water balloon. Yeah. They should show that. He looks like a shitty men and black thing. You know what I mean? I think this is where men in black got it from. Oh, okay. Oh, you think

so? Yeah. I wouldn't be surprised. Doesn't Vincent DiCaprio, like, just turn into a fucking skin sack, though? Yeah, he's got dump sweats in that movie, too. Yeah, yeah. But men in black's more realistic. It is more grounded in generally. Yeah, so there's like big, like, it's like a scorpion. I was like, you know, you boiled this thing and, like, cracked its shell open, they ate it with some butter.

Oh, my God, that'd be great. Maybe something. That's cancer. If Tommy Lee Jones shows up at the edge of, sorry, I'm late, Doc, you're going to jail. Oh, man. And then he's like, you got the. The wrong alien. There's like this giant beast behind them.

He doesn't notice. But then Agent K knows him. Oh, the Dark Overlord? Oh, yeah, he's all right. Oh, yeah. Oh, it's been $20 for a poker game. He was so cool in those movies, man. He knew all sorts of aliens. He did.

Ball Chilians, too. Tons of Balchianians, man. Out the ass. And so, yeah, this huge laser knocks the thing out of Jeffrey Jones. Later, spoiler alert, this same laser destroys the scorpion monster completely.

Well, what else is it going to knock out of it? It's not a Russian doll. Maybe it's just a heart. Oh, it's heart just plopped out of it? He should just turn to dust the first time. Like, you know what I mean? No more Jeffrey Jones and three more schools open.

They can reopen. They're like, all right, good. That guy's a pile of dust now. We could reopen these school. You want to position it so it's like a joke, right? this big like stupid thing comes out and you're like everyone's like shitting their pants right

and then it's like oh no it can't breathe oxygen it turns to dust and you're like that's the gag Howard the duck but then there are more coming through the vortex oh right the colonoscopy footage opens up again they're going right down Glenn Beck thank you ten years ago

man and it's like they all just look the same it's the same model like three times Come on, George, Lucas, you populated that bar with all those gleepeclops? Oh, God, we're kind of taking a bath on this one. Look, just redouble. I know we had all these designs, but we're running out of money. I can't find the fucking werewolf from the canteen.

You're just going to have to double up on the scorpion monster. They're like walking in place. It is total garbage. And you know what, Harry Housen was still kicking around, man. Could have got him. You want to do like some stop motion shit? hire that man. Hire him. Hire him good. I just imagine you would just say

No. I will do Jason the Argonauts. I will not do this. Oh, duck nipples, huh? Yeah, I'm busy. Sounds great though. I don't know why you put duck nipples on the pitch sheet, but since you did, I'm busy. And like, you know, he wins the day, big surprise,

but he also destroys the laser. He shoots a laser with another laser. That's pretty nifty. which means he can't go back home oh no oh the ultimate sacrifice that's so sad that's so sad but don't worry because he reinvents himself as the manager of this kick-ass rock and roll band

that's what I wanted the whole time it's like the last ten minutes of this movie you're like oh this is what it should have been because they don't explain out all because they're playing these like blues brothers bars where there's like fucking cages in front of them and whatnot and then the end of the movie they're in like an arena

and you're like wait a second how did you get so popular? I don't know. Is he that good of a manager? I think they made the full movie and then they were like, eh, it doesn't have any action. Oh, it's also almost two hours. So, but the thing is, he gets out and he starts rocking too, and I think that they give

him the same guitar they gave Michael J. Fox. It's like a tiny guitar. It's like, here you go, man. And he's doing some ACDC moves while he's doing it. He's rocking the duck out, dude. It's a short and small guitar center. It's like for you... Duck people, Michael J. Fox, Danny DeVito, Mugsy Bokes goes there.

Well, you're right. Mugsy Bokes can play guitar. Oh, he can wail, man. You've never seen it. No, that's awesome. Yeah, no. Good for Mugsy, man. Got to do something in retirement. He was a short basketball player. As it turns out.

There it is. Sorry. Crack that for you. And I mean, so like the end of this movie, they confirm once again that there was some beastiality going on because oh yeah because it's like they play their number we're singing Howard the Duck which like you're out there singing a song about yourself come on man some shallow shit and then they go

backstage and she's like oh duckie she's called him Duckie this whole movie by the which you're making me think of John Cryer which and then you're making me think of 16 candles or pretty pink rather you know Oh man a planet of John Cryer Oh yeah it couldn't procreate no one would have sex with each other

and we're like ew I I look like John Cryer at you, so do I. Ugh, uh. And then the end of this movie is like, she's down, like they both just played this sick solo, and she's like, you did it, Ducky. And they're like, eh, fade to black. Dude, you know that's going on.

Totally. Of course. Make it out. Every night. Every night, not just make it out. Jack Valetti was like, stop the film! No!

You better fucking fade to black, Lucas. this fucking trash I'm Jack Goddamn Valenti the king of Hollywood He was probably upset by it A little bit That's the end of the movie Yeah

That's Howard the Duck Yeah Now as we do We like to find some You know fans of films You know So we'll get to some Some reviews here in a second

We gotta start wrapping up I want to thank all you guys for coming on out. Thank you, everybody. You've been awesome. I thank the Bell House for having us. Round of applause. Thank you.

We got some Chris Walton design posters there in the back. Our good friend Josh is selling them. Stop by. Say hi to one of the best working voice actors in the biz. He might do a voice for you or he might just sell you a poster. I don't know. By the way, this is a little inside info. This is Chris Cabin's

start screen. I mean, like... Oh, shit. Password ducted No, it's Fidelio The password is Fidelio If you need to get back in their laptop Can you pull up his history please? Oh, you're fucking finished cabinet

You've tried Fidelio All right, so we'll leave you with a couple of things here People like saying things on the internet here So let's see So the first one here So five stars Great movie just about

everyone can enjoy just about by Christopher what was this or was this not you wasn't Fidelio okay

many people watching Howard the Duck probably wouldn't guess it was originally a Marvel comic book series to begin with well it says I write at the beginning of the film so if you can read I think you're fine Stanley didn't weasel his way into this movie

by the way. He let no credits. I want nothing to do with you, Mighty Marvelite. So I was smoking a joint, and I said, that's a terrible idea. So I was smoking a joint in a public park feeding the ducks, and I said, you shouldn't fuck these things. But I did say, I wonder if they got tits. You know what? I'm not stealing this one.

Let them have the credit. This is a fun movie. Part comedy, part action. And all fun. Fun, fun, fun, man. Many people hate on Howard for reasons I never could figure out. But I've always liked this movie,

just because it's a lot of fun to watch. Oh, fun. Yeah, it's fucking fun, man. And that's your five-star movie? Five stars. I liked it, five stars. I couldn't muster past fun, but it's the most stars I could give it.

I paused when I took a piss. Five stars. The file worked. Five stars. So this one of varying legitimacy. You guys can decide. Five stars. Again.

All caps, finally. By S. Fernandez. That's not me either. No, that was not you. No, that was you. No, that wasn't. Too often, we will offer one really, too often a movie

will offer one really strong characteristic. Like the script in showgirls, the martial arts in Miami Connection, and the wigs in the man in the iron mask. I thought the wigs in Amadeus were pretty sharp.

What about the man in the iron mask? Leo was looking okay. Is that the one you think he means? Were there other ones? I think everybody's wearing a wig in that movie. My God. No, I mean, is there another man in the Iron Mask with, like, Gerard Depp Ard?

Oh, no. There might be. You never know. That guy should always wear a mask. But then fall flat in other arenas. Not true of this gem. Great hair. That's true.

That's true. That's fucking true. That is fucking true. Great costumes. This duck's got like 15 outfits that he stole. That tiger. jacket's pretty sharp. Intense action.

Debatable. Oh, this is gross. Steamy romance. I mean, if you're into that sort of thing. A sci-fi theme. Sure. Sure. Alien from another planet. Nailed it.

And music that will make you want to dance, dance, dance. I agree with one point. One point I agree with. There's just the first dance? Yeah, no, all the dance. Oh, I thought it was a steamy romance. Well, the hair, too, right? I agree with the hair. Yeah, hair and dance. I'm dancing. All right.

The refreshing underlying takeaway, namely that beastiality should be an accepted part of our society. No, no. Rings loud and clear. Why didn't they fuck? I like the idea of something.

one watching Howard the Duck finding it to be too vanilla? Like, who made this movie? The Catholic Church? I mean, my God. I got to see those duck tits, but no duck dick. I could use duck dick. You know one thing, George Lucas. This movie is going to use some duck dick. Got a lot of duck tits in it, but not a dingling dangling duck dick. I mean, ah.

What's going on down there? Bring me, Duck Diggler. Well, I have a lot. Duck Diggler! Yes! Yes! Nailed it. Where are all the sequels and prequels

to this national treasure? We are We Hate Movies, everybody. Thanks a lot for coming out. We'll see you next time. Bye-bye. I don't know. That was a hit gum podcast.