We Hate Movies - S7 Ep299: Episode 299 - Death Wish 3

Episode Date: May 2, 2017

On this week's episode, the gang finally gets around to a Charles Bronson movie when they tear up Michael Winner's Death Wish 3! This action-packed sequel has so many amazing elements including, but not limited to: a magically exploding car, old men kissing girls, machine guns firing wildly, a baby Alex Winter, police brutality, a Port Authority hellscape, a drunk Martin Balsam, and more! PLUS: Stephen Tobolowsky auditions to play The Giggler! Death Wish 3 stars Charles Bronson, Deborah Raffin, Ed Lauter, Martin Balsam, Gavan O'Herlihy, Kirk Taylor, Alex Winter, and Marina Sirtis; directed by Michael Winner.Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Oh boy, it's a Charles Bronson movie, and this thing is quite fantastic. It's Death Wish 3. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Saneck. Eric Siska. Chris Cabin is on assignment. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in to our fine program, as always.

If this is your first time with us, welcome. Take your coat off. Just stay a while. Oh, yeah. Wait, whoa, whoa. One shoulder at a time. No, no, no. Do it.

Slowly. Do it. Sexy. Oh, Jamie LeCottis. This is a very sexy stripte as you do it. I just rewatch True Lies, and that's where I was getting that from. Totally, yeah. Are they watching Death Wish 3 in that movie? No.

Well, we watched Death Wish 3 for this week's episode. It's from 1985 directed by Michael Winner. I do think we have to stop and say this is probably one of the longest, this has been on our, like, to-do list as long as this show has even existed. Yeah, I think that's about straight. Yeah, I think it was like 2010, you suggested like a Death Wish month. Yes. And it didn't come to be. Didn't happen.

Life got in the way. Well, now we're catching up before we die. Yeah, that's right. This is the bucket list of we hate movies. And we are starting with what I think is definitely the best Death Wish movie. What? Yes. The first one.

No, that doesn't count. That's a movie. I'm talking Death Wish movies. That's true. Two through five. They made a fifth. Oh, yeah. Dude, what are you kidding me?

Michael Parks is the bad guy in that movie. It's set in the fashion industry. Eric. Oh, my goodness. I think I've only watched up to four. Oh, dude. Yeah. You got to get out in five. What is the deal with four? I haven't seen four in a long time. Five I've actually happened to see pretty recently. I, you know, I don't really remember. Okay. Because we watched these movies in college. We went through all five of them. Yeah. The first one's a movie. It's, you know, you got your Jeff Goldblum, a really problematic rape scene and then him just shooting up a bunch of people. That's what that movie is. Actually, the daughter in that movie played by a woman who taught at our college. Oh, wow. She was my wife's senior advisor. The second one, his daughter gets killed. Yeah, it's set out in L.A. And then she's murdered. The first movie is the wife is murdered.

The daughter is spared. And then, but someone finishes the job in part two. And then this is the third one. Right. Which is Paul Cursey, played by our hero, Charles Bronson there. Hello. You know, this was reminding me of, like, taken. Like, Liam Neeson kind of started doing this kind of stuff.

It's like you get an older actor phasing out of career in life. Yeah. And they go and do like these ridiculous action movies. Oh, totally. Yeah. Or five of them. Liam Neeson had the wherewith all the stuff at three, I think, with Taken. Yeah, but then he just started calling them other things.

Yeah, actually, that's true. Now this is unknown. Now it's a walk among the tombstone. Oh, yeah, dude. A walk amongst the tombstone. Now it's run all night. Whatever it is, I'm coming to get you. Why?

I mean, why did this? they not, I mean, like, the Kevin Bacon movie, Death Note. Death Sentence, I believe. Death Sentence. Right. It's coming out. Death Sentence is not as good and doesn't, it didn't

spot a franchise. It didn't, but I still like that movie. It's based off the same book that Death Wish is based off of. And I thought it was okay. You got Kevin Bacon kind of doing the Bronson thing. Killing people, killing hoodlums. No mustache, though. Nah. Yeah, that's why it's not good.

You need a, you need a mustache. You know, Liam Neeson should get one. Oh, I'd love to see him in a mustache. And just killing people, wiping the blood off his stash. This would be a good, it's a good time for Liam Neeson. He's not yet 60. Yeah, that's true. This is the time to start a Death Wish franchise. Then by the third one, he'll look old as sin like fucking Charles Bronson doesn't Charles Bronson was 64 years old making this movie. He felt, and the weird thing is like the earlier movies, he's an older man. This is when he goes over to old man. You know what I mean? It's like, yes. You get over that hump and he's an old man. My, my, uh, my, uh,

Nancy said he looked like a koala grandfather, which kind of makes sense. What does that mean? Like in a cartoon show, I would be your koala. Come, little koalas, I'm going to tell you a story. Oh, I thought you meant, I thought that was like a sex phrase.

No. You know, like, he gave the old koala grandfather. How do you do? This guy's a total koala. Oh, I see what you're saying. Yeah. No, no, it's like, gather round noozles. I'm going to tell you a story. It's me. Grand Bar Nusel

Exactly Let's sit on a tree stump Uh-oh Here comes a fox I better kill him You stay there Innocent Nusels I'm gonna murder some people

Yeah he's 64 years old Which makes it even worse When he fucks a woman That's literally half his age In this movie Come on with that's I did the math with the actors dude Really?

This woman was 32 years old Making this movie And making out with Charles Broncos Wait wait She's younger than me and she had sex with Charles Bronson. That's right. Man, some girls get everything.

So Charles Bronson is taking the bus to this movie in the beginning. Taking the bus. I love this sequence because it's the only part of it shot in New York, like at all, right? Yep. Yep. He takes my exact old commute driving over the 59th Street Bridge. And then he goes to the seventh circle of hell, also known as Port Authority. Oh, man, I was shuddering.

I was fucking shuddering at the site of that shot. shithole. I hate that place. Of course. How could you not? They actually have flaming trash cans to put your genitals in after you used the bathroom. That's the only way to get that off you. Man, I love that there are like stores in the Port Authority.

Like there are downright stores who are like, we want to rent space in the Port Authority. What a complete waste of money. Oh, hey, you want to eat food? Let's have a sit-down restaurant at the Port Authority. Get out of town. God, yeah. I love my steak, medium, rare, and smelling of fucking gas fumes

from the bus oh it's just a building full of buses it's disgusting how is that legal it's outrageous keep those buses outside it just

it just goes up and up a bus bus bus I hate it so he takes it in to the city we intercut with his friend Jolly getting murdered by the gang

are they called the creeps is that the idea is that the gang name or they just I think maybe that's just his old man term for youngsters. Oh, the creeps.

Yeah, I was confused about that. I don't know which is which. Odds are it's the gang name. Yeah. Because it sounds like it would be a terrible gang name. This is a terribly written movie.

So, you know. With the creeps. Yeah, exactly. Snap, snap. So he, this old man is brutally murdered. They're asking him, and it seems only him

for protection money, which doesn't make sense. Like everybody else they're just robbing. But this old man, they specifically want protection money from. Well, no, I think it's just that the other people have paid up. Oh, he's the one who's not doing it. And what they do in this movie, there's actually kind of like two New York crime things associated with this movie.

And the first one is this, when this man is being brutally murdered and he's screaming, he may as well be screaming, help they're murdering me. Which is what they reference. Which don't do. Scream fire if they're being murdered. Yeah, totally. They reference the Kitty Genovese murder. Of course. Because that's, everyone is, like, they cut to a bunch of shots of neighbors in the building all hearing it and not doing anything, which is what her case was about.

Hey, I'm Rorschach now. And then finally, someone's like, oh, we better call the police. It's like the ninth family we cut to. And it's also like, oh, the sounds are going down. I might as well call the police. Yeah, it sounds like we're coming to an end of this horrendous murder. But man, that shit still goes on in this city. Did you guys see this going around the internet a few?

weeks or months ago or whatever the fuck there was an old lady trying to get out of the subway and the subway doors closed on her head oh i just saw something about this the other day she was just her head was sticking out of the subway doors and uh it's like 50 people were just walking by not giving a fuck what happened i didn't i didn't click the link did someone stop the train i watched it just people walking by like not caring i don't you know i think that was the end of the clip i don't know what happened to her wait why were they filming it though was it a prank show no it's just funny Which is, you know, don't lead with your head on the subway, lead with your feet.

But the idea is nobody stopped. I mean, I don't know. I feel like in my... We need more of this, maybe, because people holding the doors, you have got to end. Oh, my God. That is a fucking plague amongst this town, man. And people will yell, hold the door. I'm like, no, I'm not going to hold the door.

No, I hear that. I step back farther, so I don't accidentally hold the door. But the weird thing is, like, I don't know, like, the... I mean, like, look, if somebody's screaming, I'm being murdered, Yes, I would call the police in my own building. But more often than not in my building, I'm not, I'm leaving it alone. I've got a guy next door to me doing fucking Turkish train spotting. He's high on horse 24 by 7 and I leave it alone, man.

This dude that used to live in my building, you just sit on the stoop, smoke, and crack. Yeah, sure. And he's got like a police scanner and a walkie-talkie with his known associates. Man, I'm not getting into that hornet's nest. Precisely. See something, say nothing. Exactly right, dude. I have an upstairs neighbor.

This apartment, I'm pretty sure we're pushing on like 10 people living here. Of course. It's a revolving door. You get that and it's nobody's business. Like, yes, somebody's screaming rape, somebody's screaming murder. Yes, I will call the police.

Anything else, man, it's on a, man, you got to specify, specify what is happening to you. Don't just scream. Yes, exactly. I don't respond well to generic screaming. Yeah, I mean, you might be in the middle of a Coke binge. You might have a fucking, I don't know.

You should be fucking night terrorists. could be happening. I don't, yeah, I don't want to call the police if you just have night terrors. You call fucking night terrors? That's what everybody calls it. Dude, and by the way, you know who you call if you want to interrupt someone's night terrors.

The extreme police. Oh. I was just thinking that the only way you can call fucking night terrors is if you're fucking Keith David. Who I'm sure is a very generous lover, but I just feel like it could get scary. I think it could be very central. okay you know some of those guys you'd be surprised you know they they're real big burly types

big burly types are a lot you know you know teddy bears dude fucking fucking brett ratner that's a night terror oh god yeah oh dude scented oils and shit come on he's a guy that always has pornography on all the time and you're like dude can you pay attention to me your grandmother's visiting look at this pornography on that tv look at this it's tower heist on this tv look over here on this third TV it's the tower heist porno parody so the tower's the dick

you get it this guy gets his friend Charlie gets murdered and Bronson like gets to the apartment just too late this wood paneled apartment by the way looks like a nice log cabin oh yeah

it's like a nice nap in this apartment I love this apartment it looked like a really well-organized VFW hall you know it's pretty great and it's a light tone wood paneling to paint you a picture it's not like you get the dark wood paneling and it I can see it feeling enclosed but this it just it's just pop and it's beautiful in this movie I would

love to have an apartment like this so these apartments are huge by the they're enormous my god and you know it'd be worth living in this fictionalized East New York for those apartments it's amazing the apartments in like the Dakota like you the apartments they have in fucking Rosemary's baby they're gorgeous and you know I know it's it's it's It's a crime haven. There's these street gangs, but they're cartoon characters. Yeah, you're fine. You're just moving into the Looney Tunes.

You're moving to the Tune Town. This does take place in Tune Town. We should also acknowledge the fact that the second we cut away from the Port Authority, that's the last time you see legitimate New York City in this movie. Welcome to London Town. Yeah, they just filmed this on like a huge stage in England, or it might have been like a town in England or something. I mean, right next to Tatooine.

Apparently. There is no names. neighborhood in New York City that looks anything close to this. There's like church bells everywhere. I'm like, what are we talking to? Where are we? So he finds his friend dead

and immediately the cops snatch him up which I mean, by the way, you're doing cold time because he's got a gun on him and everything. Yeah, they don't fuck around with that charge in this city. He's also using a false name like, dude, you're fucked. Yeah, well then they also, they get down to the police station

and the guy, played by Ed Lauder, is it Lauder, Lautner? Lighter, maybe, or? This guy, he's been in a bunch. Ed Lauder, he's like the police detective or whatever, like the lead guy, and he remembers the story of Paul Cursey, and he's like, oh, you're also that vigilante that we're still technically looking for, so you're going down. They call him Mr. Vigilante.

Was that his name? Was that like the papers, the New York Post called him Mr. Vigilante? I didn't get to rewatch the first two movies. I totally forgot. But what's great about this police guy, he walks into the room when they first nab Paul Cursey, and he's like, who's this dude? Which is the dude. He says, it's kind of a lot.

Yeah, I kind of like it. Yeah, and he's not a guy that looks like he should be saying, dude. He looks like Ted's father from Bill and Ted a little bit. He definitely does look like that guy. Yeah, those guys have been in the same audition room a couple times. Yep. Oh, great. And like Stephen Tobelowski's two seats over like, oh, fuck.

Hello. I'm here for Ted's father. Oh, man. That would have been a much different movie. Stephen Tobelowski for Ted's father. I'll do a side for that. So, yeah, he kind of, like, gives him this dressing down, and it's like, you're not going anywhere.

We have you here, you know, and, you know, Bronson's all like, well, what about my constitutional rights? The fucking gall on. Bronson's like, oh, do you habitually just take away people's constitutional rights. I'm like, you've murdered a hundred people at this point. Yeah, you don't have a fucking leg to stand on, old man. So they put him in the, they put him in the tombs, it seems. Yeah. The defense attorney who happens to be this woman that winds up having sex with him, she was like 33 years old, is like, oh, you've got this guy,

Paul Cursey in lockup for days, you know, what are you charging with him? He's like, no charges. She's like, well, what's the, what are you holding him on? Nothing. And he's like, did you feed him? No. And she's like, you know, you just kind of can't do that. I'm like, yes, I can. Bye. Yeah, this woman works for like the defense, like she's a defense attorney or something like that. Yeah, public defender. Yeah, public defender's office.

And, yeah, so he's in there with these people. He immediately starts beating the shit out of people in these tombs. He beats the shit out of this like kind of big fat guy that comes at him. And this is where we meet Gavin O'Hurleyhee from Superman 3, among other things. He looks like a poor man's William Atherton, I was kind of guessing. Yeah, a little bit. I believe on our Superman 3 episode, you called him a proto-Jake Busey. Yeah, I mean, it's William Atherton, it was the Ghostbusters audition,

William Atherton, Gavin O'Hilley, and Stephen Tobolowski, all there waiting. We need, like, that chart of man's evolution with all these actors. But, yeah, so Gavin O'Hurley, one of a few English actors in this movie because we're fucking making this movie in London. Oh, I didn't know he was English. Yeah, he does a good American accent, actually. Yeah, it's not bad. It's kind of like a, you call it a half cowboy.

Oh, he was in that James Bond movie, too, right? Yes, he is. He's in, uh, never say never again. That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, so, yeah, in this movie, he's like this gang leader. The thing that sucks is he's got the worst haircut anyone's ever had. And they're supposed to be like punk gang people.

And he's pushing 45. Punk gang people. That's what they are. They're like punk rockers, but they're also gang members. You know, I need to see them playing instruments at some time. You guys should do a band. Get together. Have a band.

man that'll get you off the streets and doing something constructive but he's got this it's just a big line shaved in the middle of like a non haircut but it's like slicked back yeah and yeah it doesn't look good then he's he's drawn a line with red lipstick down the middle of his skull like where the the hair part should be it's it's like an it's it's like an anti mohawk I guess yeah it's I mean it's a bit too mad max for new york city there's a couple of a mad max looking people in this movie it's kind of stupid well the creeps all have like little uh lipstick on their faces like that's the idea is like they put like gang paint on their faces because if you're in a gang you want to always look like you're in that gang i guess i guess well you know they do they live in a war zone that's true speaking of mad max right so he winds up he he gets into a scuffle with him and he gets out because there is this drop thread in this movie where like someone is supplying the gang with money and resources, but you never see that other piece. Because like, somebody pays his bail and he's like, well, you keep the, keep the money coming in and he's like,

we'll do boss. And I'm like, who's this boss? He's got some like lawyer that's like also crooked. Yes. It goes to nothing. He also, later in the movie he calls up. He's like, yeah, he calls in reinforcement. So who? What is this gang? Is the kingpin involved? I think it's the mayor's office. Oh, shit. I think it's going all the way to the top. Really? All. the way. David Margulies as the mayor? Oh, yeah, totally.

Get me the ghost busts. Get me the creeps. That's the way you keep ghosts out is you keep the streets rampant with gang violent. So scary that ghosts won't even haunt them. Some guys like trying to call the creeps on their bullshit like they're not making it scary out there. I don't know. Oh, yeah. It's like the ghost busters.

The William Atherton. There's got to be a William Mathisian type, yes. So, yeah, he kind of crosses paths with Gavin O'Hurley, and now they're like sworn enemies kind of a deal. I wish they showed this scene because he goes on his way out. He's like, you know what? Watch the 6 o'clock news. I'm going to kill an old lady just for you.

Right. And I'm like, come on, do it if you're going to do it. Yeah, well, you know, leader of the creeps. He's kind of just doll talk sometimes. And then other times, not so much. Like when he stabs his gang friend in the throat. that's him he immediately gets out and apparently this guy had like this guy takes over the gang while he's gone and he comes back and he's like this is a sticker and you're the sticky and he sticks him in the throat yeah and everyone cheers and i'm like did this guy have no friends like no one is like oh my god they killed jerry oh man fucking jerry's taking over the creeps can you believe this Gavin O'Hurley, he's gone for one second

and Jerry takes over. No, he's going to get killed tonight, I guarantee it. Watch, watch. You watch. What is Gavin O'Hurley's name in this movie? Fraker. Fraker. Jesus, that sucks. Manny Fraker. Mani. They mostly call him Fraker.

The Wikipedia said Manny Fraker, but I know that Brons is like, we're going to get Fraca pretty soon. Also in this gang, by the way, is, of course, speaking of Ted's dad, is Alex Winter from Bill of Ted. Oh, of course. And Stephen Tobolowski's in this man. No, no, no.

I wish, man. I auditioned for The Giggler. I didn't get it. And playing the role of Giggler. Stephen Tobolowski. Hello, Stephen. This is David Shen. Stephen Tobolowski, you might know as the Giggler in Death Wish 3.

He was the man who played the Giggler in Death Wish 3. Oh, David, it's so funny you remember me as the Giggler. I don't know if anyone enjoys this, but I do. We love Stephen Tomlowski. Friend of the show, we did a podcast with him once. So Fraker gets out. Yeah, he goes back to this gang meeting. And so Jerry is just like, all right, so here's what we're going to do.

We want to diversify this gang's portfolio a little bit. We're going to start moving the territory uptown. And then Fraker comes in. He's like stabby, stabby. He stabs. It's not like he slit his throat. He stabs him in the throat. Which is great.

Good move. It's great. This movie is a nine on the, on the redact. great meter but it could be a 10 if you got a Tom Savini in here I need a really gore it up yeah I would like a little bit more gore no head explosions really which is kind of a problem you want a head explosion we're death wish three at this point by the way did anyone notice that the first two death it's death wish one which is just called death wish yeah we get death wish two which is the roman numeral two yeah this is death wish three which is the arabic regular

degular three yeah do you know why but yeah I thought you could say that well they did like like some study that said like half the population didn't know how to read Roman numerals. What? Can you fucking believe that? What? Really? Yeah. That's some crackpot study, which doesn't make sense because so many, like the Rockies always kept with the class.

Well, that was a smarter audience. Yeah, exactly. This is, we're selling this to idiots. Death wish I, I, I. I. What is that one of them French artie movies? oh good give me a ticket to death wish iv that's what i need keeps me going i'm 90 years old

uh so uh this this this detective there he comes back to bronson and he's like all right look we know that you're paul cursie uh we're going to recruit you i'm going to let you out on the streets you can go kill all these people you want just so long as you report back to me every once in a while is basically the deal and there's no deal though it's not like okay these are the guys you i'm going to give you you a list of people you got to kill because these are the people that are doing it or even like you got to the whole the whole area the whole neighborhood is forfeit the cops just want it all gone yeah anybody is fair game which is amazing because also there's no like if you do i guess

the only incentive is like we'll keep you we'll keep you out of jail yeah but that's it there's nothing else that bronson's getting out of this except the sheer bonerific joy of murdering people which he at this point has a healthy taste for of murdering mostly minorities. You have to say that. Well, we got to also say, like, how insane that, I don't know, it's not insane, but how diverse this punk gang is, you know, it's like all, all the leaders of it are white that are, I guess they're gentrifying the neighborhood.

They're coming in. They're moving in on, I don't know what's going. Yeah, no, it's really well mixed. It's like a well-cast Pepsi commercial. Charles Bronson walking out there, hey, giggler, I have a Pepsi. Well, thank you. I wish he played the gig on. Join the conversation.

Refreshing beverage, protest. There's, what's I'm going to say about this? Oh, well, this whole situation of the gang that's weird, though, as far as the casting is concerned, you definitely have a lot of white guys playing Hispanic people. Yes, you do. That's definitely going on. You also have white women playing Hispanic people. That's absolutely correct. But, like, Alex Winter, definitely just playing an Hispanic man.

in this movie. Marina Sirtis. Marina Sertis, Diana Troi fame, is playing a Latino woman who doesn't even speak English in this movie, right? I think she only is like Hispanic dialogue. That I don't remember. I don't know if it's supposed to be she doesn't speak English or she's shy or whatever. Some dude is just like, here's my sister kind of a thing. Man, whatever. And she's like, they really, they really put a lot of makeup on her to make her look a lot darker than she actually is. Yeah. And then they're like, oh, we'll just call her Maria. That ought to do it. Yeah. It's a, it's a

band-aid on a fucking fountain. You know, man, it's just not going to stop anything. That lady's white. So he like has his assignment and whatnot. So he goes back to the apartment building. That's like his new home base, where he meets his next best bud of all time. We said we moves into

Charlie's place. He moves into Charlie's place right here. His tour guide through the building is Martin Balsam, of course, from Mitchell and Psycho and 100 other movies. And he is out acting Charles Bronson at every turn. Well, he's just happy to be there. Bronson just wasn't

super happy with this movie, actually. That's what, like, this is going in the wrong direction. The first movie was like a real movie. This is, he's reported saying, like, I shoot a gang of people on motorcycles with a machine gun. Whatever. That's a little over the top.

Yeah, I mean, I love this movie, but Bronson, you can tell that he doesn't like being in this movie a lot. Yeah, it's sort of weird. He's smiling even less than usual. They get to talking. They're both in their late 60s, and he's like, oh, why don't you just stay in that? You know, your buddy's apartment is going to remain open because he's dead and there's no real.

The rent is paid through the end of the month. So what do you just flop there? Well, not that anyone's clamoring to move in. That's also true. Yeah. Oh, hey, I could just sleep. The bloodstain doesn't bother me all that much. Turns out it's haunted.

though that would be great if his buddy charlie was haunting this apartment that would be the natural progression of this series is for some ghosts like ghosts to come out after him maybe like that's a true death wish right like like death wish six like the hunting and then it's like everyone he's killed yes you get gold bloom back is like a oh i like this oh is it because they open the containment unit yes exactly get me charles bronson so Martin Balsam in like this glorious scene of exposition, like explains the entire gang to him. They're just like looking at these people out the window, spying on everybody. The weird thing is I was unclear on Bronson's motivation, or Cursy's motivation, because he's like, I'm retired.

I don't do that anymore. Is he lying to the police or is he like actually trying to quote unquote go straight? But whoops, as luck would have it, he has somebody else to avenge. Well, I think it's a thing where he's a victim of circumstance because his whole. thing was like trying to get revenge on like the people that ruined his family sure and that chapter in his life is closed after the second movie he has no family left yeah right they're all murdered uh and he he like his family was canceled essentially right and he like avenges you know he's avenged at this point both the wife and the daughter so it's like well i don't have anyone left

to avenge and then his friend charlie who i guess is his next closest thing to family he just happens to be visiting charlie and then charlie's murdered instantly whoever ever he goes. Yeah, it's not good. There's death. What's kind of weird, though, is like, it's kind of weird that Paul Cursey, former super successful architect is friends with

this guy, because in the first movie, it's kind of like, oh, we live in a nicer area because I'm this successful architect. And meanwhile, then he's just got this buddy who's living in, like, the dump part of town. Well, that's the weird thing. I don't understand how they'd be friends.

Bronson doesn't sort of make a ton of sense, at least in the first one, because it's like a yuppie got driven to the brink kind of a thing. Yeah, exactly. As opposed to just a one-man war machine. By the time you get to this movie, he's definitely more of like a workin' joe kind of a guy, but that's not what this character started at at all.

Why doesn't he ever, why does he get back out of the architect game? Yeah, did he lose his license? I don't know. He should be like designing one of those like Dr. H.H. Holmes's murder house. Oh, okay. You hear about that guy? Oh, I know all about that guy, man.

You better believe it. America's first serial killer? Yeah, old time Chicago. Oh, shit, dude. There's a bunch of bad documentaries on that guy. I don't worry about it. I think I've seen all of them. But like, seriously.

Devil in the White City, man. Death Witch, seven. And that's the one where he builds a murder house. Like, because this is where, like, all the Kevin McAllister shit from home alone originates, I think. Yes. They start doing booby traps in these apartments. Boobie traps. Outright booby traps.

That's what it's called, right? Yeah, yeah. I think you're just laughing at the idea that they're making booby tracts. It's just fucking hilarious. Well, no, because, no, it's just, it's amazing. Well, I was kind of laughing at booby. Let's be real.

But no, it's kind of amazing because by the time where this movie, it's come so far from that first movie where he like first fires that gun on the stairs and he kills a person and he feels fucking terribly conflicted about it. And it's like, what have I done? This movie, it's just like, all right, now when this board flies up, there's a nail in it

and it's going to hit him in the face. like he went to fucking survivalist camp or something these paint cans they're going to give Joe Pesci a little trouble you're going to step on all these broken Christmas ornaments do you give up or you thirsty for more forget that Angels with Filthy Souls movie

he just should have put in a fucking death wish that would have been made a lot more sense Columbo like that's what you do here man or straw dogs There's a lot of booby traps Yeah, Straw Dogs Day's Home Alone It is It is

Did anybody see that Straw Dogs remake? No Yeah, just checking Just checking. Just checking How stupid was that? Hollywood making their own booby traps Box office booby trap

It is kind of like a bear trap Isn't it? I'm sorry, that's sort of a great idea for our next podcast We're just calling it box office booby traps Oh, yeah. And it's just cinemas bad ideas.

Well, I mean, it's the same show, but it's just, it's a better title. If someone ever sues this for We Hate Movies, we'll go to box office booby traps. It was a nice one of a nice B plan. Welcome back to box office booby traps.

He was the man in box office booby traps. No, and then instead of saying, and we hate movies at the start of the episode, I'd go, and the trap is set. Oh, no. This is getting better by the minute. I think we're going over. We hate movies as now.

Box office booby traps. Check your RSS feeds next week. We'll see how this goes. I don't know, man. There's too many hoodies printed. Yeah, that's true. We've got to change those posters. So he starts sleeping in this guy's apartment,

and he realizes that he's going to kill this entire gang. And he starts getting like mail away guns from, I don't even know what Soldier of Fortune magazine he's getting this all. off of? I don't have any idea. I think it's, uh, it's Nicholas Cage from that gunrunner movie that he came. Oh, a Lord of War. Yeah, I think he's got a Lord of War kind of guy. Right. And that was in Brooklyn, too. It's just some, was it? I think it was down, uh, down, uh, Russia way. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Brighton Beach. Yeah. Oh, okay. He's getting it from some stars and bars, soldier of fortune magazine. I think it's the same dude, uh, that Michael Douglas kind of does business with

in falling down. Oh, absolutely. Give it to me. Give it to me. Yeah, that dude. This needs something like that. You need to have, like, show me like an Army-Navy surplus store owner that, like, becomes sympathetic with the idea of killing everyone in this neighborhood. Totally. He's like a Vietnam veteran. Maybe he's like Herman from the Simpsons.

And maybe he's like, vicious neo-Nazi. Well, that's the thing. And then you can, like, draw a straight line. And like, Brons is like, whoa, whoa, I don't go in for all that. I kill everybody. I just want, I just want your guns. I'm not looking to buy any of those flags. Exactly.

Speaking of those flags, did you guys notice that some of the bikers in the, I guess in the creeps do have swastikas on their helmets? Oh, what a shock. Yeah, that's the Frank Miller wing of the gang. It's just bizarre to me. It's really, well, because you're got a diverse gang. Exactly. It's very diverse and it's very, very nice, you know, equal opportunity for your murder gang. And then you're wearing a swastika, like this has got to not sit well with some of your fellow.

Someone in the costume department wasn't paying. attention, I feel is what that is. And it's like, well, we already made the jacket. Wait, wait, wait. I'm forgetting my punk rock guys. Yeah, I mean, that's... The sex pistols wore swastikas because it was associated with... They rebranded it as loser. Um, there's, so he's, like, kind of gathering his supplies and he keeps telling, like,

Martin Balls, I'm like, ooh, I got a good mailbox shipment coming pretty soon. Don't worry about it. Got to go to the postal pickup office six times in this movie. Yeah, like, you don't see anyone make... No one's making deliveries, right? No, well, they're not going to that town. I could use like a sequence where these motorcycle punks like commandeer or UPS truck.

Oh, I like it. Yeah, and now they had all the ammunition. That's true. That's true. But that's why he's got a PO box, that and to keep the law off of him. You know what I mean? Like, you don't want to put your actual address on something. Right, yeah, exactly.

There's postal police. Is that a new thing? What? Postal police? No, there must have always been postal cops. Man, you know, I see, you're in a post office. And then you see one walk by and he's got a gun. And I'm like, Jesus. Yeah, I don't get it personally, but whatever.

You got to be sure, man. That letter tried to get away. That letter drew on me first. So, there's a great line right here where, like, you know, he's like, all right, Martin Balsam. Here's my plan. And this, that, and the other thing, and Martin Balson's like, all right, great. Let's go, buddy. And he goes, Brunson goes to him.

you take it easy Bennett this is my problem great line that starts the butchery well he uh is he goes to he he's in the building he's like hey martin balsam i smelled something good on the first floor how do we get in on that and i'm like dude what is your problem like cook your own dinner order something well that's dude that's life on the streets order something there's nothing there's seamless is not uh doing any delivery radius it's just rubble there's nothing there's nothing Nothing to eat, but rubble. So, uh, rubble delivery. I had rubble for breakfast.

Smelling some stuffed cabbage downstairs. It's amazing too, because Martin Balsam's like, oh, it must be that old Jewish couple. They're the only ones that cook in this building. What? Yeah, it makes no sense. So they, they, they invites himself. Yeah, because they knock on the door. He's like, hey, how's it going?

I couldn't help but notice it smells delicious in here. And this old woman's like, well, you could come have dinner with. us if you'd like. Well actually we're kind of rationing because the supply lines have been cut. Get your own man. We're steaming our own cabbage because we're sick of eating rubble.

This is like West Berlin before they figured out the airlifts. Yeah exactly. And here he is Mucci and one more for dinner please and he brings a gun to dinner. This is awesome. So he goes back upstairs. He's like, well let me clean up first. Yeah, it's a little starting and stopping with this

vigilanteism because he's like, he's telling Martin Balsam like, all right, I'm about to go out on the streets. This is what he gets the car, right? He buys a car in cash. Bries a new car in cash, parks it outside, like right near the window of this old couple. He's setting a trap. I'm going to eat dinner,

your dinner, and then I'm going to watch this car, see what happens. So it's great because he goes back upstairs and he's like, well, better put a suit on for this dinner party. And then he goes to walk out of the room. He's like, oh, better also bring this gun to the dinner party. Do not, you have to

announce if you're bringing a gun to dinner, right? Like, that's a thing. That's a polite. That's polite. Your boiled cabbage smells great. Also, I am packing heat. Well, the dinner better be good. Your life depends on it. Ooh, this is delicious. By the way, I'm armed.

Hey, anyone catch the Yankee game last night? Charles Bronson in. Kill the cook. There's too much salt in this bouleabas. Cuclick. Blammo. So, uh, this car starts to get fucked with it and like he comes out as like hey that's my car and they're like

we're going to kill you and he just kills like three people immediately and this is how you do it this is the Bronson way don't ask any questions set it up with a light joke first of all because he's like what's wrong with the car and the guy's like fuck you old man he's like what's wrong with it and the guy's like oh what do you care he's like because it's my car gotcha dead it's all it's all weird I love that though I love that though I love the bait, the whole concept of like, I'm going to put my property here and if anyone touches it. Yeah, he gets these two dudes good, man.

Their fucking chests explode. And this is a year after Bernie gets. I mean, I guess it must have been filmed kind of around the same time that was going on. Right. So Bernard gets, of course, for those who are unfamiliar in the 1980s, he was the subway vigilante. He was sitting on a subway. These teenagers were messing with him.

And he pulled out a gun and murdered them all and got off for that. He murdered some. Some were paralyzed. Yeah. Some were just paralyzed. But, yeah, that's not a nice thing. And I think it was like after that and like kind of when he was doing press for this movie, like Bronson had to come out and be like, by the way, don't do what I do in these movies.

These are fun entertain. It's a white fantasy film. It doesn't work in the real world so much. Yeah, exactly. But yeah, he had to publicly come out and condemn people in mimicking his character. So he kills these people He goes back to dinner And like the weird thing is the cheering that goes on

Like I know that this is a city under siege Yeah Police Academy 6 No I know it's a city under siege And like blah blah blah But like no one's ever cheered anyone For brutally murdering a teenager In the street right?

No I mean I don't know Yeah probably not What kind of reaction is that You know what's funny is I was walking down The street the other day Cop pulls up and like grabs this dude and starts arresting him.

And my reaction was like, oh my God, that poor man. Yeah. You know, like, I'm not cheering this on. No, and that's at least a lawful thing. This is a guy just murdered,

like the old west, just murdering someone in the goddamn street. You're like, yay! Well, because the next scene is the giggler, which is the, one of the finest scene, there's this guy that keeps robbing,

he's a perch snatcher that would run and laugh. Right. And he's later referred to as the giggler. You don't know he's the giggler until after he dies, unfortunately. That is too bad. I would like to have known him as

the giggler while he was giggling. And that's why Tobo didn't get the part. I just, I need to get in the head of this character. I do not understand. What is the giggler's deal? Why does he giggle? And Bronson's kind of trying to get this guy a bunch but he can't, like he's just too old to run after this guy. Yeah, which makes sense.

So he buys this Nikon camera or just Nikon camera case and he's like I'm going down, I'm sorry, first he gets his his huge magnum like fucking horse gun that he gets. This god killer. It's awesome. Yeah. It's a, it's a we hate movie's Godkiller.

He has to like make his own bullets like he's hunting werewolves. That part I don't understand. Well, it's like he, like, because Martin Balsam's like, wow, you make your own bullets too, buddy? And he's just like, yeah, nothing's too good for my guests. Is he doing like the hollow point? I must have been

getting a beer at this point. No, he's not doing that. I mean, he's just like making his own rounds. Yeah, like he's He's like adding gunpowder into shells and shit. He's like carefully hammering it together. I'd be terrified. You know, you'd kill yourself probably doing this.

Or like, wrong, sure. Or like you put it in the gun and there's too much powder and blows up the gut. My mind works with like, oh, guns. Oh, yeah, they can go out the other way too. You never know what's going to happen. Well, I just love Paul Cursey, New York Socialite, trading in, you know, John Updike for the fucking Turner Diaries and whatever.

else to get these skills that he wouldn't have as an architect. So you're suggesting that you can get skills out of the Turner Diaries? There's some whatever else literally. It's a very instructional read, Eric. Right wing literature.

Don't Google the Turner Diaries. You shouldn't. Yeah, yeah, don't do that. Is this around the time where he sets the bathroom booby trap for the old people? Yes. Well, I wanted to finish the Giggler. So he goes out with a gun and he's got this Nikon cameras,

I'm going out for some ice cream. And he goes against ice cream. The Giggler grabs his camera and he shoots him right in the back. Gets him right in the back. And there's cheering for the Giggler's death. Oh, my God. This is where the public erupts. And the funny thing is you come back to the gag, and this one guy's like, they killed the Giggler.

They killed the Giggler. And everyone was like, oh, man, the Gigglers, Jedd is there going to be a new election for the new Giggler? Like, is that? Oh, look, I see white smoke. coming out of that crack house. They've selected a new giggler. It's because, yeah, they grab all the new gang members. Oh, wow, this is, this is, wow, the young giggler.

The young. And it's not what you think. He's actually pretty conservative. It's a whole new attitude for the giggler. He's drinking Coke zero now. He sure is. Oh, that's great. Yeah, at one point he sets up this booby trap in the bathroom of this old people's

house where, like, the boy to the name. nail in it thing I was telling you about because people keep like going into their house and stealing stuff and he's like I got an idea kill them didn't the guns come by and like take the elderly

Jewish couple's gun to at some point like yeah they steal their gun and they're like by this is what prompts Bronson to make this booby trap because they take the gun from them and they're like by the way you have to leave this bathroom window open all the time because this is how we're going to get in and rob you

And they're like, okay. He's like, we're coming any time. Any time. Also, Bronson is a fan of leaving his window open to trick people again because he puts down a board with a bunch of crooked nails all over it. And he comes home one day and he looks at the bathroom floor and you see Bronson smile and it cuts to the floor and there's just blood everywhere. And he's like, ha ha, got him. What a weird thing to be pleased about. This guy is fucking twisted.

It is, man. It's the third movie of this shit. He's gone. Oh, it's awesome. Remember when I used to go to dinner parties? Now I murder crackheads and laugh about it. Dude, like his fridge has got to be full of like body parts. Oh, absolutely.

Little trophy. I got the gigglers, giggler. And it's like his teeth and mouth. Well, there's the teeth thing with that board, though, because like he picks this shit out. The old man's like, what's that? And he goes, these, these are teeth. And it's just too gross front teeth. Well, I started by killing people for vengeance.

Then it was for fun. And obviously, now I'm making a sex zombie that I'm just, that's sort of the next logical step. Bronson as Jeffrey Dahmer. Absolutely. It would be a real departure for him. Alternate time where Jeffrey Dahmer lived an old life. Oh, yes.

So it's like elder Dahmer. Old man Dahmer. Old man Dahmer. Him in prison. Maybe he gets out and drives him. a limo Bronson's reading the script and like he gets to like the middle of

he's like wait a minute this guy's gay and then there's a little girl who's also a cannibal trying to make sex zombies that starts coming around I yeah exactly Dommer

old man Dahmer like grabs the comic book out of her hand my friend Damma he's just fantasies kid that would be amazing who would be the Charles Xavier of this situation Oh, shit.

Maybe Charles Manson? Oh, yes. It's an old, old Charles Manson. He has, who thinks he has psychic powers, but he doesn't. Oh, man, I can kill the world with my own mind. Better sleep in this silo. And Calvan is the BTK strangler. An albino BTK strangler?

I like it. Yeah. What was that guy's name? Dennis Radder or something? Radar? Oh, I wouldn't know. I don't know. Something like that.

It's a deep cut. So he winds up, we do have to talk about, again, the incredibly, like, and the weird, so the first movie has a rape scene, and that's sort of the inciting incident. It's a problem, and it's not cool,

and there's nothing good about it. But at the very least, it has a narrative function to say, this is what turns the character. Oh, this is what sets this man over the end. It's your classic women in, refrigerator's thing where you know what i mean this is what's going to make our hero a better person etc and the use of it is you know i mean in this movie it's a little egregious but like in that first

movie it's like this is the most heinous thing you could do yes so that's why but that's what i'm saying but that that's that's the problem in the third movie like not every sequels don't need to have every single thing kind of replay no it does and bigger and quote unquote better exactly that's thing. So it's, it's, Marina Cetrus is going to the grocery store. And then the weird thing is, I guess that they only terrorize people in their neighborhood no matter where they go. Because she's getting in a car and they'll, like, well, we're still the gang. We're still going to terrorize you. Even once you leave gang limits? Well, yeah, you know, yeah. It's all like, wait, they don't operate on jurisdiction. Like, oh, this is, oh, now it's, well, it's like you've committed the offense of daring to go outside. And it's like, we're going to track you down at all. cost. So they grab her and they tear her shirt off so we get some cheap gross TNA. And the weird thing is, so it happens and like you know what's going on. They throw her in a car and you're like, well, she's clearly going to get sexually assaulted. But then we have to go back to the crack house and then watch it like for what and for whom? Because it's not like Bronson busts in and breaks it up. Exactly. They just rape her and then like she goes to the hospital and they're like, oh, she's got a broken arm or something. And Bronson. is, like, friends with her brother, and he gets off the... Barely friends with her brother. And he gets off the phone, and he's like, oh, it's just a broken arm.

Let's go to the hospital. And, like, when they get there, she's died of, like, a blood clot that goes to her heart or whatever. But so, like... But it doesn't make... You don't need that scene because you don't see anything, like, avengeworthy. No, yeah, it's not like, oh, this was my granddaughter's friend, and now I'm going to... Now I'm going to get everybody. Like, he doesn't even...

He kind of doesn't react. He's like, oh, it sucks to be you, man. Well, yeah, because, like, he's already started down. on his path of vengeance. Exactly. He's cold to it. He's just like, oh,

a rape and murder. Yeah, I've been through that. Oh, I hear you. Must be Tuesday. Exactly. It's not exactly.

Like, he's already avenging Charlie's murder. So like, in the beginning in the movie, I was like, oh, cool. So there's no rape scene.

That's nice. Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. So, uh, that happens. She's just dead. And this, the funny thing is,

he's like, oh, it's cool. It's just, it's just a broken arm. And the guy, the doctor is like, yeah, she expired. And I'm like, really, dude, that's the word we're going to use? Well, he's trying to keep it as cold and as emotionless as possible.

This might be just a crooked doctor. Oh, you think so? Like out there, like, you know, the NYP. He's still a little upset about the giggler, I think. The giggler was the guy I got my drugs from. But maybe it's something like, you know, the NYPD wants everyone in this neighborhood to die. And maybe it goes to the mayor. sure so maybe now the mayor is saying hey hospital anyone who comes in here doesn't come out oh wow

I say shit like a terror hospital Stephen King's terror hospital they're all terror hospitals right yeah absolutely those books yeah I wouldn't go to the hospital in man I'd like dude take me take me to fucking Rhode Island no dude drive me to Rhode Island right now all the way to Rhode Island no Canada yeah Canada exactly yeah you're right there go to Nova Scotia Um, get some dental work done too. Um, he wants to. So, um, at some point, by the way, the vengeance has to stop because this 32 year old woman asks him out on a date. She follows him to God, to this Godforsaken East New York. Yeah. She pulls up and he's like, I'm telling you again, I'm not pressing charges. Because she's trying to get him to like sue the city, sue the police department. And then she's like, well, would you go on a date with me? He's like, are you blind? I'm four feet tall I was literally your age

that you are now when you were born My face looks like a old Jackalantan you left out for a few months after Halloween. Some kid came by drew a mustache on it. So you want to do you're pursuing me Let me just clarify once again because I

look like an old basket ball with a caterpillar crawling across it. So with that in mind, you would like to take me out the dinner. I look like a sunbleached copy of one of my movies that's been left out in a video store.

Yet you still want to... Oh, sure. Just check it. I like clarification. I look like old man Dama. So she goes out to... She takes, no, he goes, it's a dinner dinner at her place, man. She's cooking. And like, she cooks him something.

And they have this really awkward thing. Like, he doesn't, he's lying there. He says it out of work, right, or yeah, right? Or maybe he is making some manifesto. I'm trying to get a book out of all this, all of my trials and tribulations. It's called the cursie diaries. It's all about how you make these booby traps. And, oh, there's this chapters in there about the race war.

it's in two parts so 57 pages about booby traps oh and how recycling is fake that was one of the the lesser cuts of Ted Kaczynski in that manifest oh really yeah good for him so he

they have this really awkward dinner and she's like well he's like well I got to go kill some people and she's like can I see you again and he goes yep and like she like kisses him which is disgusting. Oh, it's fucking pukeworthy.

I couldn't believe it. And at this point, there's this other guy who's a... Cuba? Yes. Who's a known actor? He's in some stuff. I feel like... Gooding Jr.?

No, I wish. It's one of the greatest lines because it's our gang leader there. What are we calling him? Krasinski? Fraker. Fraker is like grooming this dude and he's like, all right, you're going to go out there and you're going to take a life tonight. And it's just like, it cuts.

to this wide shot of the gang hideout and it's all these people it looks like all the birds perched up on the shelves at the end of the birds they're just all watching this happen and he's like

Cuba's gonna kill tonight and they're all like yeah yeah yeah for the gig do it for the giggler get one for the giggler if you kill him you're the new giggler

that's how we that's how we select the new giggler who Whoever avenges the old giggler becomes the new giggler. It's just like Santa Claus. Yes, they're very similar. No, I thought it was a worthy Buffet the Vampire Slayer, man.

You get chosen. Once a generation, to once a generation, a giggler is born to fight against the light. Or whatever. So he ends up fighting this guy. He throws him off a building. And let me tell you right now, every single person associated, with making this movie, every one of them signed off on this shot of what is clearly a dummy getting thrown off a roof.

It lands on a car and folds over like the soft straw stuffed dummy that it is, and everybody was cool with it. I love it. It's great. I mean, it's amazing. Nowadays, we've got computers. No, no. This is where it's at.

Just throw a dummy off a building. Because I know what you're trying to say. And it's funnier, you know, and I think, oh, they died midfall. why they're limp. They died of panic on the way down. There's a lot of like straight out belly laughs I had during this. Oh, please. Oh, well, you know, they're not good lines, Steve.

Okay. One of them was, yo, word for a lady. Oh, come here, I want to eat you. Oh, right. That's an Alex Winter. That's an Alex Winter original right there. It is like, because we're in tune town. Like, nothing about.

this rings true as a real gang or a real threat. It's not, this is barely a movie, but what a movie. Hey, speaking of barely a movie. So, Steve, remember when you were like, oh, the Cuban, is he played by anybody? Yeah, he plays, he's played by an actor who definitely starred in a Batgirl fan film. Oh, okay. Yeah, dude, Batgirl Rises from 2015. Oh, directed by Josh Whedon.

It's 41 minutes long. Yeah, it's not Josh Whedon, Josh Whedon. His little cousin. What the hell kind of name is, what is it, Josh? Joss. What the hell is that? I don't know, it's probably short for something. Yeah, Josh, maybe.

Yeah, this dude's actually been in a lot of stuff, but nothing, you know, to give you an idea. Yeah, he's a guy. Second reporter in hackers, denied area security guard in Mission Impossible, you know, these kind of things. He's the man that played denied. In a visionary. Oh, David, it's so funny. You remember me as the guy in hackers. He was the man who played

First Man at Table in SlipStream. Oh, SlipStream, man. That's a movie. It really is. When you give... I can't even do the... What was Tobos thing about? Like when you don't have a name,

when your character doesn't have a name. Yeah, it's the hierarchy. If your character has... If he has a first name, that's good. If he has a full name, that's better, if he's only described by his profession, that's really bad. Right. All right. Plummer was a big one.

Yes. But I think like if it's like, you know, Fred the Plummer, that's kind of a nice little warm mini area. Joe the Plummer, remember that guy? Oh, yeah, sick pull from 10 years ago. He had some political thoughts. Isn't that Clint Eastwood's new biopic after Sully's? He's going to be holding a dead baby too?

He's doing all the American heroes. Wait, what's a dead baby with Joe the Plummer? Well, in the American sniper, he's holding that doll. That's not a real baby. Yeah, exactly. The death wish theory of like, put a dummy in there, man. But, dude, imagine an American sniper like gruff, Clint Eastwood directed movie. Right.

About a guy sneaking a toilet out. Oh, and somehow it's also two and a half hours longer. And then also posting on Facebook some racist shit. So, at this point. sort of like, uh, this is where Martin Balsam tries to use a machine gun and fucks it up. Because he's got some shop and like,

there's some correlation between like the gang is upset with the old people because they're fighting back so that they're like trying to cut their head off a little bit. I mean, they want total control of the neighborhood. Right. I think the gang is working for the landlords. Oh, I see. These old guys got these

rent stabilized joints. That's right. That's a good point. To, uh, go market rate. You can't, uh, You can't burn a building to the ground if it's rent control. So, yeah, Martin Balsam owns like an auto body shop and they light it on fire. And, like, that's the last draw. There's, they definitely use the same shot like three times of Martin Balsam being like, that's my shot.

That's my shop. Like, they keep cutting back to him. Well, there's this funny thing because he, at a certain point, very much like our friend in, uh, in falling down is like, hey, cursey, I want to show you what I got in this closet. It's this huge like machine, a couple of machines. guns. And he's like, oh, Cursey is just like, well, that's not for you, little man. Leave that to me. Those were Charlie's.

Look, you're 66. You're far too old to deal with that. I'm 64. This is a perfect job for a 64-year-old. Easy, grandpa. I got this one. But yeah, Martin Balsam's like, yeah, these are Charlie's machine guns. He brought them back from the war. I was like, can you just take guns home from the war like that? I don't know how that works. So was that Charlie's plan? Like, let me bring this.

Like, you know, I'm getting fucked with. Let me, oh, my friend's a psychopath. Like, I met him on some like old school message board. What was that? Like a zine? They were like corresponding in the letters. Exactly. That must have been it.

And he's like, yeah, I'm going to get this guy word like pen pals. He's fucking crazy. Hey, irritated in East New York. It's me. Lissivius in Los Angeles. I'll help you take out the garbage, if you know what I mean. I'm coming home. But yeah, he's just got this.

The next issue, publish your address. Exactly. This is exactly how this went down. Oh, man, it must have taken forever. That's why Charlie was dead when he got there. But do you get a parting gift for participating in war? Well, you do, you do get to keep some shit. I don't think you could.

This was like a machine gun off the back. back of a Jeep. I don't think that that goes. But there was two of them. There are tons of guys that brought back like Nazi stuff and Nazi stuff and I mean I feel like, oh wait, wait, more Nazi stuff. Let's see what else we brought back. Oh wait, more

Nazi stuff. Weird. No, I mean, I feel like if you know the guy that's checking your bag, you go, hey Charlie, don't worry about that. Don't worry about this bag that clearly has two machine guns. And this was also, you know, they had security wasn't invented until 2001. It's also

true so um martin balsam's like i'm gonna use this gun even though charles bronson said i shouldn't and he goes and sure enough like he's about to spray all these people this is great all these guys are like oh my god he's got our god and everyone's running the gang's running and then it jams yes and then they go it jammed let's go get him kill that guy they all charge him it's like a horde of zombies they run up the fire escape and grab this old man and throw him down multiple staircases They beat him a little bit. You think he's dead, but unfortunately he's not. At this point, Bronson gets arrested because his girlfriend gets killed, right? Is that what happened? Well, first of all, there's some sex.

Oh, please. While Martin Balsam is being brutalized by this gang, Bronson is getting it wet with this kid. Hey, look, I look like a building that should have been condemned four years ago. This is, you want to have sex with you, young lithe woman would like, like to have sex with me. I just want to be clear about that. My face looks like a microwaved walnut. Thank God there isn't a sexy.

Oh, yeah. I wish there was. No way, dude. You'd still be puking right now. You do get shirtless Bronson and I'm like, man, he's in better shape than me. Yeah, that's something. But so what happens is like, I guess it's like, well, we just fucked. How about some ice cream?

and like they go outside and he like goes into his store meanwhile the gang comes up they punch this woman in the head hold on he doesn't go to a store he goes to his mailboxes etc oh is that one more guns oh oh that's right i got to get it hold on i know we're going out for a post-sex bite to eat but i do need to pick up a few more guns i yeah i didn't realize it was the mailbox etc i thought it was like you know uh it means like a convenience or something But anyway, yeah. So Gavin O'Hurley, he punches this woman in the face. She gets knocked out cold.

They release the parking break on this car, and this woman just goes by-bye. The car explodes. It's ridiculous. I had three bazookas in the back. Oh, wait, that might make sense. That's exactly what her. That's the only way that this makes sense, because the car just has like a little, it's like a, you know, a gentle tea boning. And then there's a massive explosion, and it just lights her up.

Oh, and all that thermite in the back. That's how I was going to get rid of my cockroach problem. I didn't tell her that I had a Russian warhead in the back. I got it off my zine. So he just walks up to this car. He says nothing. You know, he doesn't even look that distraught and just turns around like, oh, well, better get back to it. And he gets arrested or the cops pick him up for some reason.

The detectives, like, you know, you're getting too hot. You know what I mean? There's too much stuff going on. and there's this weird thing where he's like so now I'm going to charge you with stuff but then oh but Martin Balsam will actually identify the gang if only Cursy goes to talk to him

right it's like oh he'll only speak to you so Ed Lottner's like or Ed Lauder rather is like begrudgingly letting him out of prison to do this and he goes to the hospital and sneaks out the window essentially Balsom's like well hey the third act is here

you want to sneak out the window and have the third act better go sneak into that third act I'll tiptole right into it the scene is bullshit too because they now are acting like they're the best of friends and he's like I'm sorry I messed it up buddy I tried and I just cocked it right up and he's like dead there he should have been dead

yeah it doesn't matter like you're killing women left and right kill this old fuck yeah there's some couple that gets set on fire at some point is that the old Jewish couple it's not the old Jewish couple but it's during like the siege of the neighborhood This is where it gets, so Bronson comes out war. He's like, all right, I'm taking it to him.

And he gets a bazook at a certain point, at a certain point. He saves that for later. Marina Cecher's his boyfriend or brother, and I don't know which, is like, he's like, I'm into this too. We're going to take down the city. And like, you can't have balsam and this guy, like, have one of them. You know what I mean? Like, you just, you don't need balsam is the thing. It gets confusing.

So then, like, he's like with him. And you're like, where have you been from? for most of the movie. He's like, I was around. Well, he's been grieving, of course. So they're like, he's helping him load up all this stuff. And, like, the funny thing is Bronson has got like 17 guns on him. And like, the guy is just like, well, all I got is my zip gun. And Bronson, which is kind of obviously a leading question of like, can I borrow any guns? Yes, exactly. And he's like, well, that should take out a few of them. Well, tough titty. Look, I believe, got to buy your own guns, pal. That's how it works.

Why haven't you been stocking up on guns already? This is your own problem. You are the grasshopper. I am the ant. Whatever that, however that shit goes. I'm the squirrel and you're something else. He hates handouts. Exactly.

This guy's ready to go to war with him, but he's just like, oh, man, could you hold some of these guns, not use them and give them to me later? He just holds the box of ammo for the machine gun. Yeah. Oh, man, and this machine gun rips this town apart. At this point, Gavin O'Hurla, he calls someone and gets the reinforcement. Yeah, he gets on the phone where he's like, yeah, this is Crockett or whatever his name is. Fraker.

Oh, Fraker. I don't know. I got Crockett. He's got Tubbs on the online. Yeah. Hey, Tubbs, can you send some gang reinforcements? So then, like, this motorcycle gang shows up. It's kind of a great moment because it's like...

These might be the swastika guy. He calls up another movie and then another movie. It's like the end of Blazing Saddle. Like these other movies start showing up. Psychomania drives through. It's so awesome because it's like a nice little family reunion because all these gang members are like, oh, I haven't seen you in forever.

Like all these gang members are hugging people. It's so awesome. And they lay siege to the city at this point. Yeah, it's just all bets are off. They beat up some fat guy and then light him on fire in the middle of the city. They're lighting a lot of people on fire. They light up that old couple. And it's like this woman is on fire and falling down the stairs.

holy shit it's great and like Gavin O'Hurley he's just like spraying people with this like little submachine gun he's got yeah that's a nice little like Bond thug weapon kind of a thing isn't there like a car that goes by one point full of punks yeah and Bronson lays waste to them just Bonnie and Clydes these people yep it's great it's amazing he yeah I like his magnum but again I do want to see some headshots I do want to see some Gallagher's you know honestly at this point in the movie there's so much going on they just like say nah no blood Some of these are no blood. This should be like a trauma movie, though. It should really, it practically is. It's buckets. I mean, the budget obviously looks like a trauma movie. The set looks like a trauma movie. Yeah.

Well, we had to go to England, man. At least trauma films on the streets of New York. They have the decency to film on the street. Troma made in America. That's right. And okay, in this next, in the third movie, do I team up with the toxic adventure or what? Man, I would hope in that movie, he kills the toxic adventure because enough already. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. You know what? You're not wrong. Toxie should have been buried with Bronson. Actually, that would have been great. A movie where it's Charles Bronson teaming up with Lloyd Coffman. Yes.

What are you, uh, Ninja Turtle? Oh, yes. And Lloyd Kaufman as a ninja turtle. No, Lloyd Kaufman is splinter and toxic adventures and Ninja Turtles. Oh, okay. I like it. Isn't that how that works? I think so.

I don't know. I never really watched this movie. I watched the cartoon. I probably watched the cartoon. I mean, I've seen some of those movies. Listen, they're all terrible. I didn't know there was a cartoon. There was a cartoon.

That's really disturbing. For children, you're saying. For children. It's probably a stay tuned for animation damnation. I think it should definitely be an animation damnation, which is on our Patreon, by the way. There you go. So this is the movie, really. It's all out carnage.

It's why you watch this movie. This is what you're waiting for is the last 20 minutes. And it's just nonstop wall-to-wall violence. They actually burned. down a building at one point like they just the the gang burns this building to the ground you watch this structure actually fall over this is getting so comical it's ridiculous he just like bronzen shoves a game genie up his ass god mode exactly they do it a lot in this movie like every time bronson is shot he goes and looks oh yeah i luckily i still have this bulletproof vest

yeah i don't respect the audience enough to not tell them that i keep checking on this bulletproof vest yep still there luckily before i play gta i do back left up down one one right left and now i've got god mode that's what i need is somebody like just you know mod gta three and an older one and put a little charles bronson in there oh god that would be awesome yeah somebody get on that figure it out be pretty cool but i mean like yeah he's just murdering everybody but the weird thing is gavin o her he calls for reinforcements but not to really it is to kill bronson but It's not like, okay, there's this one little guy. He looks like, it looks like splinter if he was a person.

Like, he looks like a rat, but not really. That's the guy, that's, kill him first, and then we'll do everything else. Right. Let's all converge, because this guy's giving me problems. But he's tired of it, Steve. This is just a full-on war now. Okay. And it's full-on war.

And now the citizens also decide they're going to step it up and they're going to help take back the streets. So you see all these great shots of all these old people going to their drawers and getting a gun out. Yes. And then hitting the streets to kill people. And it's, it's, it's amazing. It's amazing. We get another, some more unsolicited boobs of this lady that Bronson saves.

Oh, yeah. Someone's in the middle of all this. They're like, well, you know, we're terrorizing this neighborhood. But what would a good gang riot be without sexual assault? For sure. Yeah. So get that in there. Yeah, just, you know, it's kind of all over the place.

I mean, how does Alex Winter die or forget? Oh, he's about to. He's about to shoot Bronson, and then out of nowhere, Ed Lauder, like, comes around the corner and kills this dude. And he's like, now you owe me or whatever. Well, he says, you owe me for that one, dude. Oh, yeah. Hey, dude, I got this. Got this one, dude.

Got this guy for you, dude. This is a weird Ed Lauder character. Who's dirty undies, dude? Weird character trait for him is that he hates cockroaches, quote, unquote. And, like, but he's still, like, crushing them with his hands, which is kind of disgusting. Well, because he likes to feel the life exit their body. And that's when Charles Bronson says something very Turner Diaries ask. He's like, well, it's like you got to kill.

It's like killing cockroaches. It doesn't make sense to just kill one. You've got to kill them all. Right, which then the movie doesn't do because once Gavin O'Hurl, he is inevitably murdered at the end of this movie, the riot shuts off. Well, we have to talk about that. Oh, of course. It's famous. I think this scene is.

Famous is like cinema famous. Really? Yeah. It's got a star in the Walk of Fame. Might as well, dude. Fraker's death. Listen, man, when we went to L.A., we checked out that Walk of Fame. And listen, some of the people that made it on that fucking thing, this explosion should be on there. This explosion should have a star.

I mean, come on. The Beatles. I mean, come on. Donald J. Trump. Yeah, totally. It's a shame what they did. That man's beautiful star. It's a shame.

I know. I mean, they should be in, get my. Yeah. Which we should, you know, it's our, it's never closed. Yeah. We should expand it. Or we should just put Secret Service on his star as well. We might as well spread it out.

I think so. I mean, it's one of his immediate family members. So, uh, Fraker goes into Bronson's apartment. Fraker and now it's Bronson and Lodder there too. They've teamed up. They've teamed up. They're taking down the street. They take down like half the world together.

It's a lot of Bronson picking people off on fire escapes, which is pretty great. That's where it gets most video gaming. He's like, got you, got you, got you. There is a just one duck hunt. Oh, man, he needs a little dog to, like, go and grab the corpse. This dog's just dragging the giggler back across the street. Oh, the new giggler got it too. Man, now it's got, now there's going to be like a worldwide search for the new giggler, like the Buddha.

Yeah, the Dalai Lama, sorry. The giggleer was just reborn somewhere. in Africa. We have to go get him. I will kill all the subsequent gigglers. I will kill a giggler in the cradle in order to prevent another purse. Purse. Purs.

Snatching. So, yeah, so in comes this dude. Here comes Fraker, man. And he's like ready to take Bronson to hell. And then like Lauders there. And it's kind of like which one am I going to kill? And he turns to Lauder. And then Bronson takes out this fucking rocket launcher man

a rocket launcher I mean this is where the movie gets a little political he pulls a rocket launcher out of the American flag by the way and then sends this dude blows off half of the building it's like you see Bronson takes this thing out of the flag it's like a split second shot of him firing it and then we cut outside and the side of this building just shoots out oh god it's awesome I will say

how did he not get like a brick in his pumpkin face from this explosion doesn't harm him or the cop. If you're about to do that, you've got to say, hey, man, get out of the way. I'm about to blow up half of my moment. Well, no, you need the element of surprise. Oh, that's true, yeah. But, yeah, so then you see, like, this dude's charred remains laying in the street, which is awesome.

How does anyone even know who this is? Everyone's like, oh, no, they got fraker. I'm like, how do you? It's fucking Aunt Baru. You know nothing about this. Well, it's amazing, man, because, like, he must have had some sort of mind control all of like over all of them because like all of the gang just shuts off it's like oh hey man fraker's dead and they all just go jr yes and they all just leave their numbers have been

depleted to such a degree right and now you know the the commander in the field has been killed so like that's it retreat yeah exactly they live no other recourse at this point and it's kind of awesome they all take off and like all the neighborhoods like fucking cheering and everything. What neighborhood? There's nothing left. Yeah. I mean, now they're all just homeless. At least the gang's not there anymore, but also they're homeless. And at one point the laundromat blows

up, man, that sucks. When you're, you know, that's why you move someplace. Like, oh, there's a laundromat right around the corner. Oh, they're right around the corner. The gang blew it up. Well, nothing ever had, nothing bad ever happened again in East New York. Everything is good. The last line is at Lodder.

The sirens start, the cops finally get there. And Lodder is like, I'll give you a head start. And, you know, it's like a knowing wink. Right. This is like the dark night. Yes. We have to chase him.

Paul Cursey. He's not the hero. You know, he's the hero we deserve or whatever the fuck that. He's the pumpkin head. Oh, man. Charles brought it as pumpkin head. Oh, shit. Is that a bad man villain?

No. The horror of the Henriksen movie. All right. We were talking about the dark night. Yeah, jump it around. I wouldn't be surprised if it was a pumpkin head. There should be a pumpkin head. Yeah.

Hey, pumpkin head. I'm going to get you in the riddler tonight. I'm going to blow out your candle, pumpkin head. It's a trick candle in there. It's not going out. You got a trick candle in there, pumpkinhead, or what? You're next, the giggler. And, yeah, whatever.

Cursey packs his suitcases and literally, I mean, this movie's like a Western, right? Yeah. You know, it's like, all right, well, the gang's all dead, and the sheriff's giving you some time to get out of here. And Martin Balsam is just like, I guess I won, okay. You don't see him out of the hospital, though, do you? No, no, but I mean, like, there's nothing. The building is condemned at this point.

During the end credits, the doctor should come back and be like, he expired. That's the stinger scene. It's just Martin Balsam's death report. I like that. And yeah, Cursie just takes his two suitcases and walks off into the sunset, man, ready to kill another day. Yeah, he's not even going to pretend to retire at this point. There's no line about like, all right, that's it for me.

Like nothing. It's just like, yeah, I might do this again. I'm going to get out of here. Are those breakfast bars spoken for? I'm just going to pack them up. Get a little lonely at the Port Authority. I don't want to have to get a sandwich there. I'm going to go look for trouble at the Port Authority.

And yeah, that's it. Freeze frame eventually through the credits. There's awesome music throughout this entire thing. Done by Jimmy Page, by the way. it's not that jimmy page no it is that jimmy page apparently death wish too but then they just sort of mauled his score for this next oh is that what it is no involvement i guess he got money for it because it was his score but they probably paid some kid with a fucking cassio to spice it up some but the music is fantastic it's really

great and all over the place yeah it's it's like totally inappropriate most of the time it's way too upbeat for what you're watching absolutely at the beginning there's definitely some sexy jazz music all over the place oh it's fucking great City's alive, my friend. And that's Death Wish 3. Would anybody recommend it? Oh, yeah. It's a hard recommend. I recommend most of this series, even though it's ridiculous and problematic with a capital P. But, you know, it's Charles Bronson. He's just fun to watch be unanimated while killing people, which is fun. It's just what you want, man. A soulless killer. No regret in him whatsoever.

Yeah, it's a fun movie. You know. Yeah. you know, you get your problematic on. It's a nice little afternoon or evening. You can watch this movie any time of the day, it turns out. You really can, actually. Well, you know, when you're hung over, you could watch it when you're feeling good. You know, when you're feeling groovy, you can watch it too, man.

You want to have yourself a Saturday night? You pop this on? Sure. I was feeling pretty groovy when I watched this movie last night. Well into the witching hour. Oh. Yeah, so that's why I was dicey on details. Eric Siska's new comedy special

I see on detail That's Death Wish 3 Directed by Michael Winner If you want more WHM Check out our website Or visit us over at the Headgum site Like us on Facebook And follow us on Twitter

We are at WHM podcast And of course right into that mailbag We all hate movies at gmail.com Rate and review the show wherever you get it We would greatly appreciate it Next week on the show What are we got going on? It's our 300th episode

Oh shit, that's right Can you believe it? Are we going to say what it is? We usually do, right? I mean, people like to watch along. It is our 300th episode. So it's 300, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

It's our 300th episode, yeah. Yeah, it's as on the nose as we could possibly get. The 300. Zach Snyder's. Oh, I thought we were going to tease him. But yes, yes, yes, yes, it is. Zach Snyder's 300. So next week on the show, we celebrate 300 episodes on the air.

So until then, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven said, Eric. Eric Siska, Chris Gab on his own assignment. Take it easy.