We Hate Movies - S7 Ep300: Episode 300 - 300

Episode Date: May 9, 2017

On this week's episode, what is somehow the THREE HUNDREDTH EPISODE of We Hate Movies the guys go big (and obvious) by tackling the terrible Zack Snyder film, 300! What's with all the hootin' and hollerin'? What did King Leonidas have against messengers? And who dropped the ball when hiring that Baby Inspector? PLUS: Laura Linney and Sean Penn star as their Mystic River characters in a Boston-set remake of 300! 300 stars Gerard Butler, Lena Headey, Dominic West, David Wenham, Michael Fassbender, and Rodrigo Santoro; directed by Zack Snyder. On the occasion of our 300th episode, we'd like to extend our sincere thanks to you, the listener, without whom this podcast would not have lasted anywhere close to this long. THANK YOU!Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Now on today's program, yet another milestone in the seven years of We Hate Movies. We are celebrating the 300th goddamn episode of this show. Talking about Zach Snyder's 300. For the 300th time, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Seda. Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. And we hate movies.

Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning into our fine program, as always. If you've been with us since the beginning, by the way. Well, this is goodbye. It's going to be a group suicide at the end of this episode. No, no, no, no, no. I was going to say, before Eric started threatening with canceling the show, that this is the 300th episode, and thank you for sticking around. Wait, wait, should I be pouring out the Kool-Aid?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're not going to need it this time. Wait, what? No, come on. I'll take it home. Okay. No, we've been doing the show for a long time. There's a lot of content on the internet for you. So if you're just joining us in the last few weeks or something, we've been around for a while.

So check out that back catalog, baby, WHMpodcast.com. It's always weird in somebody's like, oh, yeah, I caught on when you guys started doing, like, hand that rocks the cradle. I was like, I'm like, no, that was four years ago. All right. Someone will say something like, oh, I started watching when, or I started listening when you did whatever. And I'm like, we did an episode on whatever. And they're like, yeah, man, lay off the pipe, dude. So, yeah, today's film, what better way to ring in 300 episodes than one of the most boring piece of shit fucking douchebag movies of all time?

Zach Snyder's 300 from 2007 directed by Zach Snyder Big hard hunk of shit Yeah listen We don't like it It's okay if you do No it's not

I'm interrupting Eric on this one This one I will not stand for Zach Snyder He's a piece of shit We're catching shit You're better open your mouth I will But here's the thing

I just if you like it Because I know people That like this movie Yeah But I want to know Why I'll tell you why I've been

I've been doing some thinking Not, well, not only the hunk a chunk of dude, man, the fucking hunk factor. Dude, the hunk of this movie. It broke the hunkometer. But here's a thing. We grew up, you know, in the 80s and 90s. And today. Still do we live inside an oldies radio station?

We're still putting McDonald's in our pants. But the level of violence on screen in 300 was not really seen before. Well, I mean, it was. It was out there. Yes, Chris. like man bites dog and shit like that out there's funny but and there is japan yeah dude you took the words right out of my mouth right but for you know i can't go shopping at fye and then see a japanese movie under most normal sure circumstances at the time yeah so i feel like people were very

attracted for uh english that's funny enough they are all english people i think well yeah the english is a scotsman scotsman yeah and they're all and it's just the level of violence is is so extreme that if you're an adolescent male at the time of this release you're like well that was kind of nifty I totally understand what you're saying but I'm also saying that I knew people

10 years ago who were grown ass adults who were like this movie is amazing and I was like what in the ever loving tits are you talking about I would think that the amount of people that have been involved in swattings

and the amount of people that count this is one of their favorite movies that Venn diagram there's a healthy midsection that's a nice purple you got it's just about a purple circle that's absolutely right oh man I got swatted again if this is your favorite movie odds are you've made a racist comment on a group internet video game thing the anitis would never let this happen not in the middle of caller duty who gives a shit but you've called someone the C word on a YouTube comment board it's very much of its time I don't like it a doesn't hold up like if you if you're coming to this being like but i like that movie rewatch it you'll see it doesn't really hold up you know there's so much better shit out there

now and this this this the egregious amount of cg and the fucking monsters this oh man that lady likes video games but not the way that i like video games i'm going to be typing all night get ready fingers you're going to be touching some keys gonna have to shook off the the chito frame and hot shop After I get my McDonald's out of my pants, I'm going to ask this lady if she could name five programmers who do the code on video games.

Oh, get back here, fish fillet, not that easy. So can we start with the blood? Because is this, for me, at least, this was the first time I noticed the whole digitized blood thing. Oh, it really happens. Well, because this was, we're selling this as a 3D movie. So you got Spears coming at you, blood coming in your face

I'm pretty sure it was Yeah okay If it wasn't they were really pining for it to be 3D 100 Yep that's That's great I'll be out in the parking Well this is the end of the show

So who cares The final episode Here we go So this is a Based on a Frank Miller comic You don't say it It's based on a Frank Miller Graphic novel

Which I have read Okay I have not It's it's a Frank Miller thing Yeah it's Frank Miller post 1989 you're kind of usually It's just a printout of YouTube comments Exactly right

So it's the Battle of Thermopyla Maybe I got that right In terms of pronunciation It's next to Charlie's chocolate factory It is Mia Thermopolis from Princess Diaries It's based off the 300 Spartans movie Not so much the history books

oh you don't say yeah oh they didn't have weird fucking goblin giant monsters back then no they did that's what they refer to as anyone that's not one in this movie that's what that is there's an outright like if golem took fucking hg hg and steroids that's what that one thing is they got that fucker chained up and then they let him go

he looks like stalone and rambo in the movie or in john rambo john rambo that is one of the most i was shocked watching that movie that movie can i tell you seeing this movie in the theaters i went to uh one of the fucking horrendous 40 second street theaters to see that movie and it was like virtually sold out we had we got me and a buddy of mine was in from out of town we got stuck sitting in like the front row it was so loud and the fucking gun like machine gun violence and sound effects in that movie i felt like i was being assassinated a thousand times over watching but but but it was great when he destroyed uh sephora and columbus circle

man Rambo let loose on New York City as the Cloverfield Speaking of CG blood That Rambo is full of it That Rambo movie Oh big time It was like it was I've seen some fucked up shit

You want to talk about stuff from Japan But I was like Oh my God Like this movie is shockingly violent This is just like It's violent But it's all now Like at least watching it in 2017

And I should make a point I did not see this movie in the theaters I only saw it when it was released on Blu-ray years later You want to know an embarrassing fact? You saw it in the theater? Not only did I see it in the theater, I saw it midnight Thursday, baby. Oh, no.

I got an excuse. I got an excuse. Are you drunk? Yes, but that's not my excuse. YouTube closed for the night. They turned off the comments section. Do you guys remember that in 2006? YouTube would have like the saluting America.

We are signing off for the evening. But, man, it should. And you know what? It should just get rid of comments. It should get rid of the comment section. Like IMDB did. Yep. Smart.

Smart move. Sorry. But the reason I saw this at midnight, the day of release, was at the time I was working 3 p.m. to 11 p.m. shift. Oh, right. I was like I liked the end of the week because then I could go see a movie. Oh, I also did that with that fucking diehard where he's like rolling off a fighter jets. Oh, diehard four. Live free or die hard?

You brought a cabin to my commands. What a dark time for action movies. Oh, big time. And I left my fucking umbrella in the theater for that one. You ever get that back? No, I was walking home at like 2 in the a.m. or whatever. And it was starting to rain. And I was like, oh, man, we're my, oh, no.

You know, they shut down for the night. Were you doing that sweet Midtown to Astoria walk? No, actually, I saw both of those movies at the Kaufman Astoria. Oh, one of the worst movie theaters in New York City. My umbrella's gone. My umbrella's gone. so we open on a pile of baby bones which is what you want

I didn't think that those skulls were accurately sized they just looked like I think they're hucking everybody out there man it seems like traffic violation I thought that this one pit that they were talking about because this dude's given like the backstory of Gerard Butler's character and he's talking about like when a baby's born in Sparta

they look it over and if there's anything fucked up with it they just chuck it in this hole. And my thing was like, oh, it's like the baby pit. And then they go down and, you know, it's a little like tilt down. And it's all these like cartoon skulls, but they all look like human size. So it's like, oh, is it a baby pit or is it like the Spartan pit? And it's like multi-use. I think this is specifically the baby pit.

I think, yes, I think the babies are going in there and they grow up and die. They grow up in the hole. They're just living down there. Can I ask, how do you get the baby inspectors? job in Sparta. Very careful. A great attention to detail, Chris. A number one.

Be able to handle multiple projects at once. Probably. Three to five years retail experience. Preferably managed it. Which back then, that was much easier than today. Yeah, yeah, yeah. With Amazon and everything. Well, there was so much haggling back in the day.

It's true. You're there for hours to sell like one goddamn pot. Wait a minute. That's not the baby inspector. I mean, none of us would make that inspection, right? Like, what?

Oh, they would toss our bodies? Oh, absolutely. Oh, you know, I was, I was pretty okay

before I ruined myself with substance abuse and McDonald's in my pants. I think I'm going to the same boat. I think maybe I would have scoched it by, maybe just a bare min. Hmm. This,

uh, girl baby's fine, but we just let a girl baby live like fucking one month. It was a tough time for girl babies in Sparta. So we go through Leonidas, who's going to be Gerard Butler's sort of backstory and like he's a, I think is he born a king or does he like have to beat that wolf and then becomes a king? He has to be beaten the shit out of.

But he's in the lineage of his dad is the king. And then it's like, hey man, if you make it back from this wolf weekend, you'll then be a king. Oh, yeah, Wolf Weekend, dude? It's a great time. I like the idea that you have to, like, fight the nothing before you can become King. Because that's what this thing is. It's just, it's the nothing from the never-ending story.

It looks like kind of like the way that you can only see its eyes and its teeth. I thought of attack the block the whole time. Yeah. Well, what's amazing. I noted this when I was watching this time, I was like, it's clearly just a CGI wolf, but somehow they also made it look like a shitty puppet. It's a puppet, too. Yeah.

I think, because I think this is all fake. Oh, it's all in his head? There is a narrator because the dude at the end of the movie comes back. Isn't that David Wayne or whatever? David Wenham, not David Wayne. Yes, this state's David Wayne as a Spartan warrior. And Michael Liam Black is Leonidas, I believe. Anyway, what I was getting at with the, you know,

there's a guy at the end of the movie, spoiler, who survives the, you know, because it was like 301, I guess. It's actually $2.99. I got a lot of beef with them numbers, by the way. So he goes back and this is like a rallying cry, like a speech he's giving to all the other armies of Greece to then fight Xerxes and the Persian horde. At one point,

but as we learned at the end of the movie, he's also talking to the fucking Galactic Senate for a little bit. Exactly. The thing is, here's the thing. He is, but that's the thing. It's like, this is to pump people up. This is all fucking bullshit, man. It's all propaganda. There was no fucking wolf.

It's like, Leonidas fought like, oh, it was actually a cat. It's a house cat. We just asked him to stomp a cat to death out on the front steps. It was pretty bad. This is all like, like, oh, and he was so tough that he fought a wolf and a bear. And a leopard. It'd be great if at the end it's just David Wenham in a bar like drinking. and then, like, Jonah Hill shows up.

He's like, ah, and Leonidas himself has arrived. That's the guy that killed a wolf and did all that stuff. All those myths happened. Paul Bunyan was the same shit. I think Camden might be the only one to have seen this movie, which is why I was singling you out. David went up. Is he the dude who was the dad in lion?

I think, I just know from the show that nobody watches Iron Fist. Oh, yeah, I think that is that. And he's in Top of the Lake. He's in Lord of the Rings. He's one of, I think he's like, Oh, he's some fucking dwarf dude.

No, I think he's Sean Bean's like shitty brother, like comes in the later ones. Oh, Baragorn? Yes. Is that his name? No.

I think it's Faramere, I believe. Or Flappy. The weird thing about the nothing, can we just take? This is my brother Flappy. He's the black sheep of the family. Flapy.

The nothing is kind of like depression personified. So it's like, this wolf is just like, hey, Steve, you don't have to go to work today. You can just like order Mexican food and watch Netflix all day. You work hard enough. Man, wait, that's what your depression says to you?

Not depression laziness, maybe. I was going to say, that's just my guy. That's my guy. That's my inner voice in general. That's my dire wolf. He's just like, hey, Andrew, you know, it'll be pretty cool. You've accumulated all.

a lot of sick days you never use. Hey, hey, Chris, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza. By the way, we're all clinically depressed. You just don't know it, dude. Yeah, I'm not diagnosed. Andrew, you know there's nothing wrong with eating a whole appetizer of guacamole alone, right? Oh,

shit, Andrew. They found you out. Do the fake phone call bit again. Oh, yeah. Oh, I had my dire wolf with me last night, man. Come on, Chris, you can eat that butter off the sidewalk. Sidewalk butter Oh, that's the name of my solo album

It's still good, it's still good Sidewalk butter That is disgusting It's so fucking disgusting Are we talking melted or is it still like a solid Unless it's New York City in the summertime Like August 5th when we will be at the Bell House In Brooklyn, New York

2017 if you're listening in the future Get in the time machine Well, it would have been September back before the earth was fucked, but like October-era, like, sidewalk. That's when you want your sidewalk butter. It's pumpkin spiced at that point. You're just dealing with the diseases at that point. I saw a guy, a buddy of mine, drop a Sicilian slice of pizza face down in a blockbuster

circa 1996 and ate that shit, man. No. Picked it up and he said five-second rule. Like, was it like a separate, like did a separate, did it, did the sauce of detached from the ditch or whatever the fuck? Like, so he was actually just eating floor cheese. Yeah, I mean, the cheese had still solidified. It was, it was a strong slice of pizza. Oh, no, that's a trash pizza.

No, it's garbage. Blockbuster carpeting, by the way. You could have dropped that shit on ISIS and would have taken a bunch of them out. Boots that have stepped in the Bronx have stepped on your pizza now. Oh, no. Deal with that shit. No. So we flash forward.

He's a king. He's Jared Butler. he's beating the shit out of another kid he's where oh that's right he's wearing not that's what i hate about this movie what he's talking about he's just like kind of passing like when you first see leonitis as a kid yeah his dad is beaten the ever-loving shit out of it oh yeah he's taking him out back and showing him what it's like when his kid is in the little he's like okay okay like pushing them around like it's like that bullshit mr miagi training oh back in my day we got punched uphill both ways

I would have broke your jaw back in the day, young sir. Leonidas is wearing more makeup than Elizabeth Taylor in this movie. The mascara is out of control, especially for the amount of homophobia this movie produces. It's a bit telling. Everybody's wearing a ton of mascara in this movie, dude. And I was like, maybe it's Mabelene. Like, I don't even know. There's so much eye makeup going on.

I do think Cleopatra is probably his main, Zach Snyder's main influence here. it's shot you just made me think cleopatra's a long ass movie uh it's shocking that this movie is under two hours it well it feels like it's four it's the most boring fucking movie i've watched in a while it's that thing we did in the 2000s that sin city kind of invented which was like oh we're gonna do shot for shot comic panel as storyboard but you know why that doesn't work because fucking comics don't move you know what i mean like it's just a bunch of still shots and then people it's like a shitty motion comic sin city by the way i'll show you a 12 year old movie that doesn't fucking hold up

I thought it was okay I watched it maybe like four years ago it was fine with it's a little too long but it's okay I flipped it on about a year ago and it's just annoying it feels very gimmicky and at the time I remember being like oh this is super sweet and then be you know then fucking 15 years later and I mean that's

the problem with a lot of action movies I mean this definitely started it I think since City 300 all these movies were like okay it has to be two hours cannot be under two hours and now every but that's the thing is they all feel like the full show. Like, it just goes on forever and nothing happens.

Yeah. Yeah. And nothing. The action is very stilted and very boring. It's, that's what was, I didn't remember, I've only seen this twice now. And the first time was when, where I work, installed Blu-ray players to our projection system, we had to

test something. And one of these dudes that loved that movie was like, I got fucking 300 on Blu-ray, baby. Let's fucking break the champagne against the side of the boat. Did, uh, Did the SWAT team break up that screening? Oh, man, I got swatted again. Danny!

Danny, stop it. I was tear-gast in the theater. It was crazy. They kicked the door in. You owe me a two-liter of code black. You hear me? But I was like, oh, I've never seen it, so I'll sit through and watch the test screening. And I was bored by it then, but I didn't really remember it.

And watching it last night, I was like, Jesus Christ, not only is this, like, obnoxious. It's boring as sin. And I'm just imagining a SWAT team, like, breaking up the same fat guy in different locations. And they go there and they're about to shoot it. Oh, man, you again. He's just picking up pizza off the floor. Kicking down the door of a fucking blockbuster. Yes.

That would be pretty cool. Right, right. We could do, we should take, well, I was going to say we should hole up in a video store and make threats, but there are none left. You know, my question about what happened to Blockbuster and the Hollywood videos? of the world, right? Like, we just let that industry, like, be destroyed, right? But then I think about, like, the stink that some people make about coal miners. And they're like, oh, man, the coal miners, and they can't lose their jobs.

I was like, where was that support for the video store employees? That's true. So, uh, this, RIP, the video stores. This emissary from Xerxes comes to tell, uh, uh, uh, uh, Leonidas what's what. He's like, look, you know, and, uh, Leonidas does give him more. He's like, watch your tongue Persian. This is spot on anything you say will be held against you forever and ever.

You're under arrest. It's amazing because this dude, he's calling himself like the messenger and whatnot. And when Gerard Butler like steps to this guy, right? This guy's like, how dare you? He's like, do you know what could happen if you

fuck with a messenger from Persian? I was like, so in this world, like the male man is king is the idea. No, but he's a tradition. In all tradition, you're not supposed to... You're not supposed to kill the messenger. You're supposed to, because these are, these, it's diplomacy.

Yeah, but you always say don't shoot the messenger after you shoot that motherfucker. And also, but this is a very important moment because this is the moment where I'm being told that I'm following the villain. Yeah. Gerard Butler is clearly the villain of this movie. Right. He kicks this guy into an abyss. Yep.

And Zirxie seems pretty sexually progressive. Yeah. I mean, the funny thing is like he does, this is the, the plot of this movie, or at least this scene is like basically somebody getting served with a summons and then like breaking a bottle over that guy's head and then like shit getting really real. You know what I mean? Like you escalated this for no reason. A dude is trying to just deliver a simple message and it's the next second we're at war. Weren't you advocating just a second ago to killing messengers? No, I'm just saying it's kind of ridiculous that this movie sets up this world in where the mailman is like...

The mailman have always been protected throughout history. As someone who's gotten his share of summonses, the way you handle this is you roll your eyes. Yeah, man. Thanks so much. That's the movie. All right, man, yeah, cool. All right, yeah. X's coming.

Great. Thank you very much. All right. Thank you. You're good, man. You're a real brave man. You're real strong. Oh, yeah.

You like doing that job, do you? Yeah. It would make you feel like a big guy. Yeah, it makes you feel like a real big fucking guy giving me this Simmons. This is like one of five guys that speaks Greek that they're sending. You know, that's why it's important that you respect, you know, the diplomacy. Well, instead this dickhead kicks him into a hole. And then what is this hole, by the way?

That's a great question. I actually wrote down what is this hole because it's a bottomless pit and I was like, how did you construct this thing? I just thought it was something similar to that Game of Thrones where they threw you in the whole. But that was like a sky world. Oh, you're talking about the veil. Yes.

Also known as the Erie. Oh, yes. The moon door? Yes, Eric. Why is it called three things? That's the problem with the Graham of Thrones. Everybody's got four names that I can't keep up. All right.

Ditchits. Here we go. Pull up the stool. Tell me why it's called the moon door. The moon door is the whole. Party at the moon door. All right. All right.

A lot cooler if you killed that night and kicked him out. So the moon door is the hole that, you know, you're up in, okay, I'll step back for a second. The veil is the area, like the region of the kingdom, if you know, because it's the seven kingdoms. And then the Erie, I think, is the castle name. And then the moon door is a hole. The execution hole. Right. Yes.

Well, so Kevin was talking about the hole. So why did you see those other two things first? Well, because I'm trying to place. I'm trying to remember house area. Yes. And Lisa Aaron and Robin Aaron and John Aaron died. That was the, it's kind of around when I stopped watching that show was when that like 14 year old was sucking on his mom's boob. Yeah, dude.

Yeah. All right, man, that's cool. Yeah, no, go tell your wife you did this today. Great. Oh, no, it's great. That's fantastic. You got kids at home or right? Yeah, but they're real proud of Paul.

I'm a fucking king. You're just serving me a summons. Because they don't even just kill the mailman. They kill all of the people who came with him. And why doesn't the mailman need a posse? Well, you know. And then, like, on top of, like, it's just like, immediately you know this guy's a fucking asshole. Yeah, you hate this dude's guts.

Gerard Butler. Councilman Dominic West. Uh-huh. Clearly a fucker. McVilty from the wire. Back when we were trying to make him in movies. Because remember, remember, democracy, a Senate and all that type of shit. Government in general.

Fucking garbage. Garbage town. It's Frank Miller. Democracy doesn't work. That's exactly what that's. Every Frank Miller thing, if democracy does not work. Did Dominic West portray the absolute... Did he give the absolute worst Marvel villain performance?

Oh, it's a seesaw? What is it? Jigsaw. Stitcher. Stitch's... A.k.a. A.k.a. H.G.G.G.G.G.J.J.O.R. What was worse? Him. Was there anything worse than Dominic West?

I think his brother in that movie is even worse. What's his face? Doug, what the fuck. Doug Hutchinson. that married a child. Yeah. But that's not, but that guy wasn't like a character.

Like, Jigsaw was a punisher. That's true. He ruined a classic quote-unquote character. I'm relatively certain. He's just called Crazy Larry in that. Yeah, I'm pretty sure he is. So,

he's trying to sell you a TV. There is an important line here because he, before he kicks this guy down a well, he's like, oh, you went to the Athenians and they kicked you out to those philosophers

and boy, and everyone laughs, even though they had, like, institutional pederacy in Sparta. So we're just like, so we're just pretending, like, institutional pedercy in Sparta, someone was on Wikipedia at work today. He absolutely was. But the thing is, though, like, you know, you just, in most movies, like, Gladiator or whatever, you just gloss over that. Oh, yeah, we don't want to go there.

We is, as Hollywood, right or wrong, it's just like, we just pretend that doesn't happen. That's not great, but that's fine. but to go out of your way to say they're gay and we're not is so fucking dumb Leonid is after he kicks this dude into a pit he's like all right I'm going to go get approval

from these dudes up on a mountain to go to war with everybody so he'dum caucus you mean climbs up to this thing it's a fucking flock of palpatines these disgusting ass they're like mutants yeah they are some mom stars dude there's a fucking ring of

Nasferatu if you don't agree you with Gerard Butler in this movie, you're cursed to walk the earth as a fucking vampire. I don't understand it. It's simply... Point that hunchback. It's simply anybody who's not a Spartan warrior.

Yes. Because then what was the other line I love is fucking him being like, only Sparta women bring out real men. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's because like they go to this Oracle, basically these guys, these goblin people. It's a circle in Osferatu. Again, unreliable narrator.

These were just like regular dudes. just dudes and then we have to go and see these nerds so these four guys are just like you know give us some coin or whatever like they get fucking hopped up on shit and they're like and water and they get this girl who is an oracle but they hop her up on stuff and she like starts and like they start licking her

they start licking her a little bit well there has to be licking there I mean there has to be looking yeah I mean you want to get a spell going and you definitely need to see her nipple oh absolutely absolutely 100% need that shit Sex magic, right, Chris? Just to get the hard dick drama going. Well, it's...

There's no drama in this. You know, I would kill for a fucking three-dimensional character. There's none. There's none. Leonidas could be, but he isn't... No one is. They could add a dimension. He's 2D.

Most people are 1D. All that, take off your 3D classes. You won't be able to see me. You're only getting 2D to D. Now you're to see me. Now you don't. By the way, I know that we've done multiple episodes on movies of his. I just, I was looking on the old Tribune while I was watching this because, you know,

pay attention to this thing for the entirety of it. I'll give you $1,000. But Gerard Butler's doing another one of them there, Mike Banning movies. Angel has fallen. It's just Air Force One. It is just Air Force One. It's Air Force One. He's already done London has fallen next time.

It's going to be, what, Marrakesh has fallen? No, it's Angel has fallen, and he's on Air Force One and terrorists attack Air Force One. Los Angeles or anything? No. Angels have fallen? That's what I thought when I clicked on the link. And it's like Mike Banning has terrorists go after him on Air Force One. Wait, hold a set.

Did he get his job because of Steve Bannon? Is he related? No, banning. I-N-G. Yeah, unfortunately. Well, Steve Bannon was in the Oracle Cave, that fat fuck with the griefing. His disgusting your uncle's alcoholic nose face. So back to licking this girl.

He basically gets a no from like basically the government saying you cannot go to war. Right. The wizards are like, they're all wizards. They are wizards. And they're just like, oh, yeah, the, you know, space god says no. The flipping floating girl. No, she says no. And they also say like Greece will fall and spider will fall, blah, blah, blah.

What he's, they're like, what are you going to do? He leaves, and then, like, Dominic Monaghan or whatever this dude's name is, Dominic West. Comes in and, like, gives him all this Xerxes gold. And they cut to this, like, one, this black guy that you never see before or since,

but it's the most racist fucking transition I've ever seen because, like, he's smiling because he got one over on Leonidas. And the camera goes black except for his eyes. Oh, you mean? What the fuck is this? Dude, it's like fucking Baron Salmon's sitting on the front of the train at the end of live and let die it's like what it's insane might be the most racist movie in 30

years i'm not kidding i really think like it's up there yeah dollar for dollar like what it made and how many people like it and it's like fucking nuts i'm almost thinking like they added those greek monsters because of the the fucking monster mash we get they ran out of races you think in the persian army dude holy toleda with this nonsense it's outrageous there's trolls there's outright If you don't have delicate white flesh, you are an outright monster in this movie. There is something with an

axe hand or something. Oh, the axe nubs? The obese crab man? My wife was calling it crab boy. This thing is nasty. He definitely fucks though, dude. He is crab. He's, they like, I guess they like

cut off his forearms and like shave his bone into swords. But it looks like it just melded together, man. Oh, I'm going to fucking vomit with that description. I want a puke. This guy looks like a podcast. Well, you know what I... I want to puke.

I watched 300. If you remember nothing but trouble, the diaper twins, that was the thing I thought of. You're totally right. Dude, this is what this movie is missing. Thank you, is Dan Aykroyd. I had some levity. Some Chevy Chase, too.

The God King, Xerxes commands you. The best part, not the best part, we cut to an unnecessary sex scene with Lena Hetty, who's in this movie as, I don't know if he said that. as his wife. Oh, she's the queen. She's the queen. And, like, she has to do this sex scene where, like, she's still surprised by the size of her husband's dick. After, like, three. She's had a kid with him at this point.

Yeah. She's like, oh, what? This is a good yesterday. And it's so ridiculous. It's my favorite kind of sex scene that you get in movies where it's all the positions in 20 seconds. Gerard Butler is flipping her over this way in that it's the most unrealistic shit. And she's just every single time. I was like, oh, oh!

I drank my CELS potion today. And what's her name, Queen Gringo? Gorgow, I think. No, I'm not kidding. I think it's Gorgon. I thought it was Gingo. I'm pretty sure it's not Gringo. Gregory.

Queen Gregory. So she's like, what are you, a pussy going to war? And it's like, yeah, you're right. Yeah, you're right, you're right. It's right. I'm Greek. You know me being Greek. It's amazing, though, because, like, he's a woman.

He's like kind of, he's sitting up in bed, like having trouble sleeping, what with contemplating going to war and whatever. And she wakes up and she's like, what's that? Did I hear your huge erection stirring? And he's like, not right now. Trying to figure out if I want to go kill Xerxes. Whatever, man. But this is basically, it's the scene at the end of Mystic River when Laura Linney's like rubbing Sean Penn's shoulders like, you can own this. fucking neighborhood.

You could be the king, and I'd be your fucking dirty-ass white trash queen of the whole fucking block, baby. Oh, you could run the Dunkin' Donuts. You can go Dunkin' Donuts to Dunkin' Donuts. And then your penis will just pluck out the sun. Oh, shit, Leonidas. You could have it so that we get

fucking season tickets to the Celtics, bro. Look, I'm sorry that a deaf kid killed your daughter or whatever for no reason. but yeah you thought it was Tim Robbins right I did too yeah he was talking about where well was that whole fucking time baby this is Boston so the next day he doesn't have support from anybody

he has this clever thing where like Dominic West is like hey man where you go and you're taking all these great warriors are you going to war and he's like no I'm just going for the stroll there my buddy gods and then you got you got a then sort of unknown Michael Fassbender whose role throughout most of this movie is to be like,

yeah, that's right! Like, he is just like Leonidas is hype man. Nobody says anything in this movie, but yeah, that's right. He had that coming. They eventually like stalk out like where

the Persian fleet is and Michael Fassbender's looking over the edge and like this fleet like is destroyed. in a storm. Okay, yeah, that's right. There's some bad weather. And everyone's like cheering and stuff,

but the only guy that stayed like stone is Lionan. Magneto. Oh, that's right. And then Magneto, like, is there the next day and there's more ships in this fucking Arcadian. No, no, need I say more? Fucking Arcadian.

It's complaining, like, I thought we saw these ships crash and this dude is. It's just like, Michael Fassbender's all like, oh, this is great. You know, because I've always wanted a beautiful death. I don't know if you know this, but we're going to war and I just want to die. No, no, no, I'm, I actively want to die. I want to go to hell. I can't wait until we go to war together because I actively want to die.

So this is going to be great. No, no, it's going to be fine. I want to die. The other guys are pussy. Can I be next to someone else, please? Yes. Can I, can I be next to someone who has a will to live? Exactly. I don't want to

your suicide bike cop or whatever God is it. You try to do, man. He keeps on rambling about a beautiful death. Dude, man, grabbing a cop's gun in 34th Street, Herald Square is not a beautiful death. I would be freaking the fuck out if I was sharing the battle lines

with this dude. Also, speaking of praying for death, you know what I was thinking of watching this movie? Fastbender could have played a good Jesus. Oh, yeah. He looks a lot like Christ the Savior in this movie. I think he had His same diet for this movie. I'll just say I saw the movie Shane, you'd need a really long tunic, man.

I'll tell you that much. Oh, yeah, guaranteed. That's just scraping the floor of that nice apartment. Man, you know, I haven't seen that movie, but he's got a horse cock on there. He's kind of got a horse guy. It's how he flips up the toilets. He's a senator. He's a senator.

He should have played a senator in this. They had setators. You know what's, you were talking, we were, like, debating the actual number of dudes that are in this Armada. Is it 299? Is it 301? I think it's at least 301 because you know who is a soldier in and of himself is Gerard Butler's fucking rat tail that he's got going on in this movie. This thing is Padawan Gray disgusting. He oils that thing. It is gross. It's thick. Oh, it's a thick rat tail. But he wraps it around his head. Yep. That's what you do. When your rat tail gets too out of control, man. You wrap it around your gross skull. And you know these days he would have just gone for the man bun. Oh, yeah, totally. Oh, dude, a modern King Lionaitis? If Leonidas was played by Jason Momoa, there would be a man bun guy. Ugh, how long do I have to wait for the next arcade fire?

He's bicycling the work. He's the kind of guy you hate. He's the guy who's fucking commuting with a cup of coffee that's just like a ceramic mug of coffee. You ever see those people? That's like absolutely clinical insane. You've never seen that happen? Oh, dude, you just want to scream to the hands. You know, this isn't your house.

Yeah. Well, he does have a death wish, so it makes sense. The plan is to reach this very certain point in Greek geography, which I don't know, wherein it's a really narrow pathway. You just got to cut them off with the pass. And basically that that'll, no matter how many soldiers they send, it cuts down the numbers quite a bit because it's just like one-on-one essentially. Right. Did you get that that's just like how he killed the wolf?

Oh, right. Because this movie's fucking stupid. But I love that this dude who's essentially giving like a locker room speech before the Olympics is able to like, you know, tie all that together nicely. Oh, he's painting a story here, man, you know, you're making a nice little thing. It's a real tapestry that he's weaving. And, you know, it's supposed to be off the cuff. So let's get to the hunchback. The hunchback is a very important.

Oh, you mean the inbred swine? Yes. Which, by the way, they, I counted twice. There might be more, but they refer to him in the voiceover narration. as an inbred swine. Oh, really? Two times. So he comes up to King Leonidas and he's like, hey, man, I got this great idea.

And his captain, like, kicks this dude. He's like, how dare you look at Leonidas, you gross fuck? Oh, yeah. And like, Leonidas is like, yo, man, let's just, you know. Two to Leonidas's credit, he's like, you could help clean up the bodies. Well, because that's the thing is like, he's like, oh, I escaped the infanticide or whatever because, like, my parents got me out, but I always wanted to be a Spartan. and I just want to help you guys.

Yeah, he should get tossed in the baby pit. He's like, yeah, this is, this guy's, uh, Mike Pence's dream. My mother fucked the baby inspector so that I may, I may live. Oh, my God. What a sentence, my mother fucked the baby inspector. Leonidas just goes to the captain, like, remind me when we get back. I got to talk to the baby inspector. I mean, like, what are we doing?

Hey, uh, look at this guy. Baby Inspector, look at this guy. I understand a few Bs, not an F. Thank you, Stone, Boney. We love you, New Jersey. We are my mom. Fuck the baby inspector. Good night.

This guy can't fit through a fucking door. I mean, come on. Come on, baby inspector. Come on. Apparently, they went into exile over this. Sure. You would have to. So this inbred swine has a shield from his father

in like his old Spartan robe and he's like oh Leonidas I may be a mutant hunchback that probably didn't even exist back then no one's ever existed like this. No one's ever right like this is the fucking elephant man dude he looks like an 85 year old toxic avenger yeah exactly

and he's like oh you want to join the phalanx or whatever and he's like trying to get him to put his shield up as far as he can go and he's like not good enough and that's it it's kind of the nicest Leonidas ever gets though because he's like show me your spewark and this guy's like, and he's like, oh, good

spearwork, now let's see if you can hide behind this turtle shield. And he like can't lift his other, you know, debilitated arm up and he's like, oh, sorry you freak. Which is actually like, if that's all it is and like this guy, A, this

movie should be Rudy for this guy, right? Like, yes, he saves the day. Like, that'd be great. Instead he fucks the whole thing. Because this movie, like, and I was reading some criticism, was like, like, is, like, is really viewed as, like, really ablest, you know what I mean? Like, because, like, not only are you disabled, but you're disgusting and you're fucking, and you're, and you're sneaky. You're a betrayer.

Yes, exactly. That's the big one. There is a man who has crab arms. Yeah, but at least he kills motherfuckers. Yeah, he's, he's the game. That's the thing. Listen, yeah, Persia allows that. Allows, allows the monster party within their race.

A living wage. Yeah. They have a whole monster. Rodrigo Santoro as Xerxes is like, hey man, with my modulated bass voice, why don't you come be with us, hunchback? We're totally cool over here in Persia. And his fucking giant Gandalf body? What is that about? I mean, it's everyone's worst nightmare, right?

Eight foot brown homosexual, right? That's what we're talking about here? No! No! Well, actually, I have to pull up. Zach Snyder had a quote about that, actually. Oh, really? Oh, really?

Why he's not a piece of shit? Let me just mention, like, I just looked this dude up, and I was like, holy shit, he was kind of good in Westworld. Rodrigo Santoro is awesome on West World. It's kind of funny. He was part of a duo that was the two, singly the two most hated characters to ever be added to Lost. So much so that they were, the two of them were like, hilariously murdered off the show. Zerxes Crab Boy? Wait, is he Maggie Grace's brother? No, no, no, no. This was, this was Nikki and Paolo. They were these two, like, rich, obnoxious people that I think weren't like They would, they just were like, one day on Lost, it was like, oh, oh, and Nicky and Palo, of course, hey, come over and join the group. And the internet was like, fuck those two characters.

And they had them get bit by like a poisonous spider so that they were paralyzed and everybody thought that they were dead and they were buried alive on the island. It was like an episode of Hitchcock Presents. It was awesome. But they were so, it was so shoehorned, like, here we have all these. characters for however many seasons on this show and it's like by the way these two people have been here the whole time and when their episode was like introducing them all these characters that you've known for years were like hey nicky and palo and it was just the most artificial garbage well my poochie it was a total poochie's my favorite uh centoro performance is

uh him not being able to get erections because laurlini's crazy brother calls what in love actually oh i thought you were talking about a whole movie no no no not not not not a sex tape, Eric. I call them home movies. So basically, the idea is so Xerxes like, ask, after like a bunch of killings that are really boring and take forever,

Xerxes brings him out to talk to him, he's like, hello, I'm the devil. And he's like, and basically he's trying to like seduce him to his side and he like kind of puts his like, uh, uh, oh, is this when he's in the Orgy Palace? No, no, this is one like this is their first meeting. Just meets them.

Oh, I thought you were talking about when he's seduces the hunchback i think he's got like he's got his uh i guess like all these slaves carrying his fucking platform that's ridiculous it's like a palace yeah i mean the thing is huma it would crush these people it's all these people carrying a house that this guy sitting on top of and he like puts his big like uh minute bowl hands all over him and uh and like you know zerxes uh what's his faces uh leonitis is very upset Zach Snyder quote What's more scary to a 20 year old boy

Than a giant God king that wants to have his way with you That's what we're That's a direct quote from this director That's a Zach Snyder And then DC said let's give this guy Every yeah let's go One movie all the movie All of them

You know what's the most outrageous part about that quote Is that Gerard Butler's supposed to be 20 years old There is a really great scene where like one of the, Michael Fosbetter cuts off this dude's arm and he's like, our arrows will blot out the sun. And then later the arrows... The thousand nations of the Persian Empire descend upon you. It's a good trailer.

It's kind of the only good line in the movie. And the thing is, I was trying to remember it all day, what it was. I kept on thinking, like, all the armies of Europe and Asia. And I'm like, wait, no, that's Abe Lincoln. But then later, when it happens, they all have these shields. And Foss better goes to this other guy. I was like, huh, arrows are blotting out the sun. I really did not see that comment.

I wish somebody told me that. Oh, wait, somebody warned me that was going to happen? That guy was right. The guy I killed? Really? That's what he said? We do get elephants, which are fun, a rhinoceros. I feel like if I was in Sparta and I'd never seen a rhinoceros before, I would just, like, have a heart attack.

I'd be like, oh, my God, it's a dinosaur. It's like the stranger thing upside down. You're like, what the fuck? What could that even be? A bedazzled rhino. Exactly. Why are we decorating the animals? I think it's another one of the little, like, I hate gay people thing from Zach Snyder.

Where it's like, oh, they have all the frilly stuff all over the rhinos. Freaking rhinos are gay. They're the freaking frogs gay. There's probably some, like, types of. battle armor for those beasts in battle. You would think, like a Lord of the Rings thing. Well, battle armor, I totally understand. But why are you piercing

its ears? Yeah, it's like necklaces draped over. It's a waste of jewelry. It's a fucking rhinoceros. It's a waste of fucking time. And I noticed their arrows all have these intricate patterns etched it down. That's a waste of time. Are you kidding? You're just shot 10,000 arrows. Are you really

you're taking the time to fucking sculpt every single one of them? I'll tell you what. The dude is Who's got the angle on that business is making a fortune. I'm imagining, like, a mini mall in Persia wherein, like, rhinos can get pierced next to the food corn. Rhinoclares. And their mother's like, no, not to you're 14. I don't think so, young lady.

But piercing a rhinoceros, what a dangerous profession. That's, yeah. You can get kicked. It's like Steve Irwin and up skill level. Yeah, Steve Irwin is the apprentice at that point. There's a line somewhere around here. in the movie it's when they're like oh hey man like these immortals are going to come for you or whatever

and someone possibly Gerard Butler I think it is Gerard Butler who's just like well we're gonna be in for a wild night yeah like what this is a bachelor party with Tom Hanks oh wait we're gonna have gay sex I mean like no or not the Athenians will do that we don't do that another stupid thing like

during that whole like the arrows will blot out the sunline um they had built a wall like there's so moments in this film where they build a wall of stone or later on a wall of corpses. Yeah, the death wall. Where it's like, okay, so you just spent your fucking like eight hours.

Yes. Gang and dudes with spears. And then you're going to drag thousands of bodies and construct a wall. And then you're going to keep fighting. You need to rest. This is what's outrageous. I've got lost of cocaine. I forgot to tell you. I brought ale and cocaine.

a hell. Anybody need Adderall. What's outrageous with this whole wall of corpses thing that I realized watching it this time? What a waste of resources. Because they kill all these dudes and then they stack them like 18

high or whatever. Like it's a huge wall of death. So then these immortals roll up and then there's like the leader immortal who's like, come on out of there Leonidas, you fucking pussy. And he's like, hey, Spartan. let's do it

it's morphin time and they push this wall of corpses over but it just falls on the one guy yeah exactly it's hours of work to crush one man I'm like Kevin from home alone

but it takes fucking forever it's so stupid but that's not just on them that's the whole fucking veil is that because when they go to the city that was laid waste to by the Persians

there is a Hannibal body tree yes yes you're oh you think it was the Chesapeake Bay killer the Ripper man oh the ripper yeah the Bay Ripper

there's also like a moment I think it was actually when the rhino comes out where they had like just been fighting like tribesmen who are wearing like cow hides and cow heads

it's just like it's fucking mad max it's weird there's like a bunch of dudes like different armies that just kind of like all brown by the way all brown or oh yeah they're all they're all like brown monsters but it's like all these people just got it's kind of like a montage almost like we're like you know practicing on the ski slopes kind of a thing and i was like who are all these other armies and this the convenient narrator doesn't bother to utter a peep through any of this it's like that montage of basketball when you see all the different teams those are fun team names and it happens all too quickly um there so the hunchback somehow manages going goes over to xerxes's place and like there are all these like sexy ladies and they're all licking each other but they're also kind of deformed and like the hunchback is yo man how do i get in on this he's like hey uh why don't you betray these guys that a would have killed you 30 years ago be bare almost almost killed you again yeah and c said the best you could do is be the water boy's like yeah fuck yeah also i can

get laid for the first time? It's the easiest sell in history. A hundred times out of 100 I would take. I would betray all of you guys. All of you. Well, here's my question. Uh-huh. This hunchback, who knows nothing, has to tell Xerxes, the great military leader that is Xerxes, a military strategy. Sure. As simple as go in here. Well, he just shows him where the back door is. Yeah, that's basically. He doesn't know the geography. So, yeah, I mean, this guy's a native son. So maybe he does. I don't buy it. I don't buy that he's going here and he just does, is like when the fighting dies now, he's not thinking about strategy. Well, I don't. Here's the thing. Here's the thing.

Here's how they cover that up. When the blot out the sun line, like the dude was talking about how all these Persian scouts are out there, but Michael Fosbender Magneto used his metal powers to limit them. No, no, they're all dead. They're part of the stone wall, the first wall of corpses in this movie so maybe you know they don't have the the resources of to know where this back yeah i mean they only have 700 million people also true okay you go that way you go that way you go yeah yeah well you're right it's also just ridiculous now that i think on it again just this i keep going back to the number because the the title of the damn movie is your number we keep saying oh that leonidas has these 300 dudes blah blah blah blah by my

I count watching this movie, there's like 14 dudes. Yeah. Right. How did you fuck that? Like, 90% of this movie is computer. Let's make some other dudes. It makes dudes, man, like fucking weird science. But this time we're making dudes.

Hello, you dirty little boys. Do you want some dudes? That's how you would make that movie, by the way. Also, and like get like, I don't know, Jim and Huntsu to play the one like Black Spartan. And then, like, you're at least even a little bit. It's like, oh, you know, I'm from wherever, but I'm... Not in my fucking army, you don't.

You know. Favorite inspector. I mean, like, this is egregious. I mean, look at that guy. We are just drunk in the square. What's going on here? So, I mean, it's... The 300 is just the Spartans.

We're not counting the cuck arcadians. The cuck arcadians. Who come in and are like, yeah, we want to fight, but we don't want to die. It is amazing. It is amazing. shit talking that Gerard Butler gives these Arcadians. And they're there with them. They are brothers

in arm. By the way, one part Gerard Butler does pump everyone up by saying, he actually says no retreat, no surrender. He totally does. He doesn't a bunch, actually. Every time he fucking said that, I was like, they should have made this movie in 1988 with

Sean Claude Van Dam. Oh, I like this. I love that. Early 90s even. You could get the Quest era. He's doing splits and stemmed people with Spears. Mutant, your inbred swine could be Wilfred Brimley. Oh, my God. I just want to help the team. Oh, come on, God damn it.

I don't need to raise no fucking shield. Zerxes is way too many. I'm not having a threesome Xerxes with these two ladies. I want one white woman. What is that? What is that thing? Just explain to me. It looked like a blog.

In 1990, who would play Xerxes? Oh, that's a good question. the dude who played Hollywood in Manichin Yes He would be eight feet tall He'd still have those glasses Yes he would

Yes he would Jean-Claude Van Dam Can give him a talking to I like all of this To be quite honest with you Oh god damn it Zerxes I ain't gonna fuck no rhinoceros God damn what

I mean it's a good deal But I'm not fucking a rhinoceros Just give me land and no one to tend it That's what I want That's yeah How did this abomination come in Into my place We cut to Lena Hetty

Who's apparently this is not in the 88 page comic book This two hour movie was adapted into It's Lena Hetty has like a side story Where she wants to get support for her husband Stephen McCaddy is here which is fun Oh Stephen McCatty of course With a great fake goatee that's a fucking cat on his chin

that thing's ridiculous like why bother I'm sure Stephen McHaddy can fucking grow a goatee what is the problem so but the long story short with her is and they kind of cut back and forth because this movie has nothing to do

it's just her trying to gather support in the Senate and Steve Mahatty is like oh you've got to go to Dominic West he's your only way in she does and they have this really awkward sex slash rape scene like just a rape scene it's just a rape scene

Because you had to tick off all the fucking boxes on the Snyder checklist. Thank God it's a rape scene. Yeah, exactly. Because he's like, you're not going to enjoy this, but it's going to happen. And it's like, okay. I'm just sitting there watching this movie like, fucking stick to TV. Stop it. It's just so, but then the next day she goes to the Senate and she's like,

she thinks she's going to have his support and she gives his impassioned speech. And then he basically literally just calls her a whore and like tries to get her arrested. and she stabs him in the heart or whatever and like all this Xerxes gold falls out. By the way, don't bring this gold your bribe to the Senate. Well, it's like, where's the safest place? No, no, no, no, no, no. Dude, where's the safest place on your person, man?

Where do you think I'm hiding all them fish fillets? No, you get the baby inspector involved. You get the baby inspector involved. He holds your gold because no one's going to fuck with the baby inspector. That's true. Apparently can do anything. Although once Leonidas meets Wilford Brimley, he's going to have a talking to, I think.

Zach Snyder again, by the way, wanted to add this little, this thread to the movie because you wanted to have like a quote-unquote strong female characters who gets fucked and called a whore. But she kills him, so it's all justified. It's all good then? That's cool. It's all fine,

man. It's outrageous. It's all coming down, man. The hunchback betrays them. The bullshit arcadians are like, dude, we are fucked. Like the one advantage we had, which was this little narrow passageway, has been taken away from us. We're going to bounce and they're like, somehow. You fucking pussies.

Don't you want to die? That's what I didn't understand, though, is how does that Arcadian get wind that the hunchback was crooked? I mean, just look at him. He stands crooked. I mean, I think that one of their spies saw people coming up and like, oh, shit. There is like, there are like a million people around at all times. Yes. But also, isn't he just?

like there at the front of the army isn't the hunchback just there like I did this with a stupid ad on? He did yeah because he wanted a uniform. He is given a hat. It's a wizard cap. It's really silly. It's a black bow pack. I don't think we mention it. They do

eventually fight wizards or whatever they call them. Oh the magicians. Yes. And it's just like I guess it's supposed to be gunpowder yeah. Bombs. Oh right. Oh yeah. Look at this magic. My favorite thing is when the blockout the sun thing happens,

when they're like, Ha, arrows, pussies. What are you talking about? That's not even, like, that's just smart military sense. It's like the best thing you can do. Yes, it's not an arm wrestling match. It's you're trying to kill people.

I'm sorry, not everyone uses spears. Only an honorable death is death by spear or sword, man. I guess so. That's the deal. So, Leon, it's the night of, it's all going down. There's this weird thing where this one guy brings his son to the war and his head gets

cut off. Oh man, it's a classic Jason Voorhe's decapitation. And then this dude starts crying about it and it's this thing in the movie where it's like we try to have this moment where this dude's like upset and he's like, oh man, Gerard Butler like I'm just bummed like I brought my

son to war and he got computer decapitated. What a bad bring your son to work day by the way. Absolutely. Also someone runs you down on a horse slices your head off. How is your, his body's like nailed to the ground. It won't move. Stands there completely stale.

You know, because I guess that looks cool. Well, I think it's supposed to be like this dude's sword is so sharp that it's like, it's like, it's going through you like sidewalk butter, dude. Also, it's in slow motion because it's a Zach Snyder movie. The slow motion in this instance is how we are making this a feature length film, not for nothing. So much of it.

Every fucking fight scene is all in slow motion. Well over half the movie, I would say. Well over half the movie. What is his name? Lednitus. Leonitus. He fights that big troll guy at one point, gets a cut on his visor or whatever the fuck.

That's pretty cool. And then it's just like, oh, and then Xerxes was mad at his generals. And what did he do then? He had Crabboy cut their heads on. Then it cuts to like the great. gross, disgusting, like, brown sky in this entire movie. And then it's, like, slow-mo, this dude's head. It's a black guy, by the way.

And his head is just flying. But it's like, I'm sorry, no. I don't, I'm just hitting myself. I hate this. This is the yellowest movie ever made, right? Oh, yeah. And this is like the 2000s that we had to have, like, the most atrocious filter on everything. Yeah, it's all Soderberg's fault, man.

It's all Soderberg's fault. We go to Mexico. It's just gross and yellow. The day, Zach Snyder makes traffic. Fair enough. I'll get in on this, but no. Fair enough. That I would like to see.

That, now that I would like to see. So he goes to David Wenham at this point. He's like, you're a great warrior. And David Wenham, one of the biggest characters in this movie, loses his eye. We don't see that happen. He's just like, that happened. It's like, I need to know that story.

Thank you. I was totally confused by that. I was like, oh, did I fall asleep watching this? Which I definitely did. There was some rewind him to be had. Now, take now with your eyes socket, hold this shield. Oh, you can't do it, can you? You got the goal.

Sure hope you don't turn on me like that gross hunchback. Oh, man, another disabled dude. Just kill him now. Well, that's part of the reason why he then sends him away. Yeah. And then he goes back to the Galactic Senate. Right. And tells the story.

And then he pumps up the crowd at the end. So from here on out, at least I think it was all bullshit. I don't think there was a crab boy I think this is just weird weird shit is telling people there was no crab boy after they defeat Xerxes

would be like what's there even a crab boy I don't say a crab boy we're going through the bodies I don't see a crab boy that'd be great the one guy that was skeptical yeah I put my life on the line

to kill a crab boy I don't see one he's walking around the battleville he's wearing a t-shirt that says the truth is out there I got here seven billion Not white people.

A troll. Five elephants. No crap people. And Xerxes was six foot one, okay? What the fuck? From here on out, he has no fucking clue what happened to Lettoonitis, Lego man. Leonidas. The master builder.

He has no idea what happened to Legoland from here on out. And then, like, he's just bullshit. He's like, oh, they fought bravely. They did. But he's also telling him. a heady story like he knows what's going on too oh and then uh yeah she was raped oh man she had bozumbas from here to like no no leonitis liked to be watched that's right he knows about leonitis having sex with his wife like what the fuck what is what are you

that's a detail that he was bragging about on their endless walk to the battlefield i fucked her for the 27000th time but this is he's the kind of dude he's telling you about every time he gets laid. I was in the bushes watching them. Rowdy, roddy peeper. I'm always peepin. So,

the idea is everyone else abandons them because they know they're going to die. And like, yeah, this is like a strategic retreat. Like a billion people without any against you without any tactical advantage. Let's go back and let's train people. And then like let's fortify Sparta first. Yeah, like just make it a siege story now.

Exactly. But no, they're like, we need to. die and man because he grabs everybody it's the night of and he's like children gather around gather around

I'm gonna tell you what we're gonna do it's like fucking heaven's gate at this point you know what I mean like these guys are sleep deprived

they're food deprived they want to die they're highly suggestible and he's like the fucking comet's coming man oh we're not going home tonight man

the comet's coming we're all going to space oh yeah once Xerxes kills us we go to space worship me King Hail Bob Tonight we die

In Herre Pluto No Michael Fossbender You're not gonna die You're getting a planet Oh you're going to be the king of Mars Oh hell is just the name of a spaceship The SS hell

Man that's a sci-fi channel Original movie if I ever heard one It's a knockoff of event horizon The SSL So, in a very long, prolonged sequence, Xerxes, another emissary is telling, you know, Leonidas to give up and Leonidas throws off his shield. And this is being narrated by, and this is the problem with the narration,

like when you're showing me and telling me at the same time, I'm incredibly annoyed. It's like one or the other. This narration is terrible to begin with. But then you remember, we're watching a fucking locker room pep talk. We're watching Kurt Russell at the end of miracle. So he's like, he throws off his sheet. He takes off his helmet

It was stifling The shield was heavy And he kneels down And then he grabs his spear And chucks it at Xerxes's head And fucking misses by the way Yeah He caught him

And earlier in the film He said that he like Even you could bleed A god will bleed Well that's right Because he fancies himself A man god Is the idea

I mean like he's like John Hinkley at best Leonidas You know what I mean He got a shot off But it didn't really think He didn't get the job done But he was really trying

To impress Jody Foster and then they all die everyone dies the movie is over Fospender gets like ganked and he's just like oh it was an honor to die by your side and then Legoland is all like hey hey man

it's honor to live by yours dude and then of course See in space Exactly but he's like The Drard Butler is like the strongest dude ever man So he got up yeah yeah no he didn't just die there

everyone hey guys listen up he didn't just die there he got up and then he got shot with more arrows he heard it from the crowd dude that's how that worked I wish I had fucked you that's what I imagine he says to Michael Foss better and then we get like oh where the narrator was that dude with the eyepatch he's pumping up everyone and he uh he all hissed this line about how we're going to

like remove mysticism and tyranny from the world How are you talking about removing You got you got fucking wizard mutants Licking girls up on that mouth Don't tell me you don't have mysticism You're talking about Sus and Poseidon and whoever else You're a police state

No no no no it's all They're all out of a job Oh I see The whole thing The whole lot of them They're all out of a job Because the mystics that lick girls Like betrayed

Leggo land Those yeah those freaks dude Most importantly They're getting re-evaluated By the baby inspector 85 odd years later bump it up to the supervisor I'm sorry we made a terrible mistake

you're going to have to go down this cliff I feel really bad about this but there's new rules about baby there might be some babies alive down there you can hang out with for a while also we're kind of ripping off the end of Gladiator just a titch in this movie because like when

eyepatch dude goes and tells Lena Heady the score it's in like a gloriously lit field, like, he's just like the end of that movie. He's fingering wheat on his way to be reunited with Lena Hetty. Yeah, no, it's all horseshit. Yeah. And that

dude, the little kid becomes like the next king, I guess is the idea. Anybody see that sequel, by the way? Oh, no, Chris, why? I did too. I did too. What, two of you? Holy shit. I don't remember it besides what, like, Evergreen's telling people. Well, and she's also super naked, I'm pretty sure. Yeah, no, she's just, it's just, it's pliote. it's disgusting. I'm serious, dude. It's nonstop.

Oh, yeah, she's getting powered by the guy from Blindspot. Yeah, yeah. That was Blindspot. I don't know, but... That stupid show with the woman with the tattoo... Tattoo lady. I think Xerxes is back in that, too. Oh, yeah. Where's he going? I don't know. Dude, man, I don't remember shit about that sequel. Wait, isn't Ava Green also in that Sin City sequel? It's the same thing. She loves Frank Miller sequels. If there's a spirit, too, she would do it.

Oh, man. Not a fucking chance. I saw that in the theaters. I also love how. Really? Oh, big time. Wow. Yep. I love how Frank Miller needed to clarify his views on Islam with that fucking terrorist comic. Like he was like 300. I was a little too shuttle with that one. Let me just have this guy cutting off people's heads of the modern day.

Oh, that terrorist comic. Let's do it. Let's rank the Zach Snyder movie. Oh, shit. What are you talking about? Dawn of the Dead is number one. And that's barely an over. okay movie. Yeah. I haven't revisited it, but when I saw it in theaters, I like it. It is quite sufferable.

I give it that. I got to bring up his fucking film. Yeah, please do. Because I think it, for me at least, I think it goes Dawn of the Dead, probably Watchman. It's like, no, it's like, dawn of the dead and then like, you fall off a cliff, and then

Watchman's like way down after that. Watchman is tone deaf, but at least it looks pretty cool. It does. And I mean, I think that Billy Curtis's pretty good in that movie. After all of this horseshit monster garbage that we saw in this movie, though, you're telling me you couldn't figure out a giant octopus. Yeah, that's true. Come on.

Or even make that hunchback. Just use the same effect and make them really big. Just make them blue and big. It looks like you did some random shit before that, like something about Morrissey. Probably a music video. Yeah. So anyway, Dawn of the Dad. Okay.

300. Watchmen. Legend of the Guardians, the Owls of Glory Hole. Eric, that was the. the porno parody. It's the owls of No, he directed them both, actually. Zucker Bunch, which is directed by the guy who did

Airplane, I think. Man of Steel, Batman versus Superman. And then now Don of Justice. Yeah, four upcoming projects, by the way. Oh, good. He's supposedly according to IMDB of this right moment slated to direct the fountain

head. Of course he is. Based on the novel by Anne Rand. I think Paul Ryan is going to be shown his pecks in that one. Oh, my God. No, he's going to insist on a cameo. I mean, you guys are, I mean, it's Dawn of the Dead. Fuck, I guess Watchman. I didn't see the Ben's better than Watchman, though.

No, I think Man Osteel is better than Ben of Steel. I don't know. I think I might disagree, but because I don't know. This is just fucking shit. It's fucking garbage. You want to me to rank sewer turts? Which one floats the highest? Hey, man, which one's your favorite Ninja Turtle?

All right. Those are sewer turts. For me, it's, it's, it's, it's. Dawn of the Dead Watchman Actually I would put Don of Dead Watchman I would probably put

God Man of Steel Third It's gotta be We're all gonna have the same order Then Dawn of Justice Probably I could imagine myself Watching Dawn of Justice again Before this

Before 300? Yeah of course Because at least Dawn of Justice is like jaw droppingly Like what the fuck terrible This is just like boring It's totally boring Like that's what I'll always say

about Donna Justice is that I don't like it I think it's terrible but I wasn't bored while I was watching it it's just bad I was bored

I might I might rank 300 above it I don't know wow it's the one different it's all fucking shit yeah that's true I mean none of us saw

the legends of glory hole or something I think I was The Owls of Gahul I think sucker punch is the worst of them all I think so

oh I forgot about sucker punch I think that's right at the bottom 300 beats it out just by a sliver if you were like, hey man, which would you rather rewatch first sucker punch or 300? Just put a bullet in my teeth.

How about I just get killed? Yeah, totally. Can I choose silence? Not the movie. What's the BTC killer doing right now? Put me in front of the baby inspector. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. Put me down that fucking hole. So that's 300. Nobody's recommending this, right? No. No. Wow. For nobody.

No, not even for the baby inspector. No. No, no, no. I would like to thank everyone for 300 wonderful episodes, including you three gentlemen in this room. Oh, you're for taking this journey with me. You're welcome. End of sentence. And they're welcome.

Yes, yes. Of course. They are also welcome. Thank you for continuing to support we hate movies on this weird internet adventure we're on. Now next week on the program we just keep going. That's the thing. We're like oh yeah, 300 episodes. Well, whoopty fuck because the show goes on in kind of the worst way possible. We're talking about Alien

versus Bredditor. Ooh, that's, that's, that's a covenant we're making with ourselves. Oh, boy. Oh, that's awful.

So speaking of internet adventure, turn to next week for Alien versus Breedler. You know, like when you got the event, you'll choose your own adventure. Yeah, I see.

You can only go, well, you could go backwards. What was last week? Death Wish. Yeah. Oh, you could, you could flip back and forth

like that. It would be kind of annoying. Just like reading those books was. Uh, yeah, so that is, 300. If you want more, we hate movies, check out WHMpodcast.com or find us over on the headgum website.

Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. We are at WHM podcast and write into the mailbag. We all hate movies at gmail.com. Rate and review the show. Wherever you get it, we would greatly appreciate it. It's you guys who continue making this show chug along week after week. Tell a friend, tell a grandmother, tell, you know, just anybody you want. Just a stranger in the street. Your racist neighbor. And we can tell if you don't tell someone, by the way.

Oh, yeah. We have eyes everywhere. And, you know, I mean, we've been doing this for you. Tell them the people. Yeah, Paul and Duluth. Let's look, let's let's tell the people. Or the show's over. Get off your ass, Paul and Duluth.

I can see you right now. Put some pants on. It's incredibly unpleasant. So until next week, when we're talking about Alien versus Predator, I'm Andrew Jupin. Oh, come on. Come on. Say, Dave. Chris Cabin.

Eric Siska. That was a hit gum podcast.