We Hate Movies - S7 Ep301: Episode 301 - AVP: Alien vs. Predator

Episode Date: May 16, 2017

On this week's episode, the gang finally gets around to talking about the absolute snooze-fest that is, "AVP: Alien vs. Predator!" How many classic science fiction films is this movie ripping off? Why did the screenwriters insist on linking the older films to this one? And how do you not cast a single big name in this film? PLUS: Dutch finds a bunch of predators in his house! "AVP: Alien vs. Predator" stars Sanaa Lathan, Raoul Bova, Lance Henriksen, and Ewen Bremner; directed by Paul W.S. Anderson.Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Now on today's program, it's another team-up movie along the lines of such great films as Batman versus Superman and Freddy versus Jason. Well, this is Alien versus Predator. I'm Andrew Jupin. Versus Steven Sadek. Versus Chris Cabin. Versus Eric Siska. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone, welcome to we hate movies.

Thank you for tuning in. As always, this is our 301st episode. Wow. How about that? This train just keeps moving, man. This is Alien versus Predator, or AVP as the fans call it. And the lazy-ass poster art called it. Abb, ab, from 2004, directed by renowned, world-renowned filmmaker, Paul W.S. Anderson.

Oh, my lord. I mean, yeah, that guy just racks up the hits, you know, Magnolia. Oh, yeah, the master. The master boogie nights. And hair advice is really great. Oh, guys, guys, guys, oh, wait, I'm sorry, I made up the show notes wrong. That's Paul Thomas Anderson, PTA did those ways. And this is Paul.

W.S. Anderson? Yeah. Oh, my God, I loved Moonrise Kingdom. Yes, it's actually, it's Paul William Sadler Anderson. William Sadler Anderson.

Oh, my God, if you open his shirt up, he's got like a little William Sadler in there. It's like Cuaddo from a fucking total recall. Yes, yeah. Ew, that's so disgusting. Yeah, well, Paul W.S. Anderson, man, we're talking a bunch of them,

they're Resident Evil movies, the film Postal. The three musket, the most recent three Musker Tiers remake. Wasn't that Yuva? Oh, that was Yuva. Moral Kombat. Moral Kombat.

Event Horizon. His only good movie. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And there's a lot of garbage there. I don't remember at all. No, it's all just.

He secretly makes like Soldier. Five movies in 10 years. Soldier. Oh, did he direct soldiers? Believe so. Was he in any of these Resident Evil? No, he did all of them.

He did all of them. Or no. He did some of them. He did a good chunk. He's like producing a lot of these. He's married. to Milo Jovovich. Wow, it's like a family franchise.

It's a whole family of terrible. Come on over for the summer. We're making another Resident Evil. Come on. Yeah, bring the kids. We're making another Resident Evil. It's not a big deal. Allie Larder, you're living in our basement. Yeah, well, we'll make up the couch for you. We'll make another Resident Evil movie.

We'll play some board games. We're going to fry up some stakes. You won't have to think about your husband who left. I mean, you really would only need, like, a small hanger with just green. screen all over it to make those movies. So that actually does not... That's about right, I think.

So this film was released theatrically. It was because you demanded it, right? This is the movie everybody wanted that nobody wanted. Yeah, well, this is a case of like someone somewhere made a comic book decades

before, and then it was like, hey, you know what sounds pretty cool? That comic book nobody talks about anymore. In Predator 2, there was the alien skull, which kind of kicked it all Yeah, it kicked off the clock to wait for this movie. I was kind of among them.

I got to, because I was like, I like these Predator movies. I like them. I want more Predator. Well, it's just weird, though, because I realized I've seen all of these, right? So I've seen like the AVP Requiem, which is a better movie than this movie by far. I've seen all the aliens, all the Predators. See our live episode on Predator 2, live from Chicago, by the way. But what I realized that was why this shit doesn't work, at least for me, is like, these are two.

different kinds of science fiction movies and just because they're two things doesn't mean they should be two things in the same movie i agree with that they should have never put them together but also like it's not even like you don't even like at least with the heart like you know freddie versus jason they're doing very similar things like yeah there's more surreal stuff in freddie and a lot more boobtastic stuff in jason but you know we're having fun and there's no history of how freddie used to torment jason yeah as a little child as this one. That's the problem with this. Well, actually, that movie totally has that because doesn't it posit... I thought that was a dream sequence. Yeah, he...

Oh, is it nice? I'm in your nightmares. Oh, he wasn't actually. Oh, okay, that's fake. Oh, that's fake. Oh, I molesting you. Look out, counselor, Jason. Diddle, diddle, diddle,

careful with the fingers. Oh, Steve Louise. I'm sure in one of those sequels, he has a careful with the fingers joke somewhere. I'm sure. I'm sure one of them's got it. I forgot to clip! That's brutal.

Now that no one's listening. Sure. Let me tell you what I made this month. Okay. Wait, so Steve, I think you were saying something and I interrupted you? No, it's neither, like, alien is a very specific thing. It's a blue collar in space situation. Uh-oh, here comes some aliens.

That's what it always kind of needs to be, fall somewhere within that. Whether we're in prison, whether we're Marines, whether we're just space truckers, any of that stuff works. Like meat and potatoes. It's the future, and we're in the fucking space. We're millions of miles away from Earth. Predator, you know, kind of goes around, you know, you're a big, beefy dude. You could be a big beefy lady, I'm sure. And you're just like, you're the perfect, you know, specimen for the predator to hunt.

Well, also, I mean, that's... Or an urban jungle. At least the first movie, you know, that's like present day. Yeah. And the second one, it's like a bogus like five years or two years from when the movie came out or whatever. Like, what is it? It's 1997 and the movie came out like 92 or something. So like whatever. That doesn't exactly jive with it. That's a good question. So is this like in this 2004, is it 2000? Is it only seven years after Predator 2? I don't think Predator 2 exists in this timeline. I see. Because in this movie, like the world seems to be fine. They stopped Whalen from getting the sports almanac.

And that's another thing that I just, I don't like how we're explaining parts of that. I mean, they do that in Prometheus. Sweet, Jesus. I don't need it. Like all this backstory that gets, that's what always hampers this. I wouldn't care. And you're right that this is, these are two very different movies and franchises. But if you had just had them brawling and just killing each other and this was a real

Bloodbath. It was just a snuff film. Yes. Full video dromit. If that had happened, I would have liked it. I at least would have been like, okay, you served up what I was expecting. Right. You don't be balzy if it was a silent film where it's like there's no humans at all.

It's just aliens and predators and neither of them really talk. Like maybe subtitled of the predators. It's like apocalyptic with fucking aliens. I thought you meant like a silent film with like clinky clank piano. Like dryers. The Predators Robben in a train car Oh no there's aliens in that chest

Not gold de blooms You tie an alien to train tracks Well also because the other thing is You're taking these two franchises And putting them in a movie In a setting anyway That just is aping another classic Science Fiction horror film which is the thing

Yeah You show me a fucking alien in Antarctica Guess what movie I wish I was watching It's the thing. There's a lot of Jurassic Park here going on. It's just, it's a melange of, like, better movies that just aren't here. Like, there's no heart here. But we also open in 1904 where the predator shows up and starts hunting like prospectors. The Whalen!

Whoa, wait a second. So here it comes, because I just rented this on Amazon, the PG-13 theatrical cut. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Are you serious? And I saw this movie in the theaters. I do have a fucking hilarious story about working at the multiplex when this movie came out. But, yeah, I just saw the theatrical. I was like, what is he talking about?

I have this on Blu-ray because when we moved into my apartment in Jersey City, we didn't have Wi-Fi for a week. So we just went to Best Buy and just bought a bunch of cheap Blurays. Oh, shit. I never saw this one grabbed it. You became one of those people. Exactly. It was like, oh, this looks fun.

That looks fun. Oh, this was stupid, but I liked it, though. Exactly. It was like 30 DVDs. Behind enemy lines, too. It was that thing. That was the week, man, because we'd watch, like, all we had was was like Star Trek, the motion picture. And it was like, well, I've watched that twice. Let's get, let's get going. Wow, yeah.

Yeah, so please elaborate. It's just like, I think it's supposed to be Antarctica. It is, it's the whaling. It's the place that they end up eventually. Yes. Oh, so it's that village before it was run down. There's this little intro thing. And it's just like, it's one of the cuts that was made for the right reason. It does nothing for the story.

No, I disagree. This was actually my favorite moment of the film. Because you thought it was over right after. No, no, because it's like, it would be something different. Like, okay, it's a different time period in 1904. We always see these movies, present day or future. Give me the Civil War Predator. You know he was around.

See, that's what they kind of tried to do with that Cowboys and Aliens, though. Oh, really? Look what we got with that movie. But I just feel like you're fucked any. Like, if you're a prospector, if Arnold Schwarzenegger with a chain gun can't take down a predator. If a fucking prospector with a fucking musket, you're fucked. Well, what if he knows the back woods? Oh, I see.

Like the back of his hand. Uh-huh. And he was able to, like, get down into the hollers and whatnot and get like the hounds and stuff. A bunch of yokel booby traps. Like next of kid, but versus predator. Well, the alien is navigating this labyrinth that we find below the ice. I don't think the woods is going to be that big of an issue for him. Well, the labyrinth we come to find is an ancient pyramid from the predator bar mitzvah ceremony that you put a bunch of, like, a predator comes down, and like they put people in this temple, and then the alien lay egg in people, and then the alien come out, and then you have to kill the alien.

In order to read from the space Torah and then become a man. Right? Isn't that the whole thing? Part of that, yes. There is a portion of that. There is that really dumb line towards, it's very late in the movie. It's like our lead character, Lex, or speaking to Jurassic Park, is like,

they're teenagers. And it's like, come on, man. Is Lex played by Sanale-A-Than? Yes, yes, yes. They're teenagers. That's terrible. I don't even remember that line. Maybe they're just going out trying to get booze.

Instead of getting booze with your buddies, you go to another planet and depregnate humans so that you can cut the ultimate kill and kill the alien. Of course that's me on this ID photo. I'm a teacher at the local college. Sell me this Mike's hard lemonade. It says here you were born in 1974. Yeah, no.

You don't look like... There's like an incomplete trial. triangle where your place of birth is? I don't really... What is that? Is that Arkansas? Well, that was the interesting thing is the opening credits of this movie. It starts off in, like, predator language, and then it gets translated.

So was this a movie made by predators? Oh, man, a film by predators? Yeah, and it just brought to a U.S. audience. That would be awesome. And then they're all dubbed. Yes, exactly. Old Kung Fu movies. Yeah, I think that's what this was.

Now, so when that L.G. Yahoo prospector in the Antarctic, he's not a perspector, by the way. He's a whaler. Oh, yeah. That's right. It's a whaling. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's the prospecting of the sea. But, you know, like you put a net in a river for gold. You put a net in the ocean for a whale. Same thing. There you go. Oh, there's gold inside these whales. Oh, I'm going to break this sperm whale open with my teeth. Oh, wait, it's eating me. Oh, no. I was swallowed hole.

Is this Yandoville, G. Yahoo? There's Jonah down here? Oh, man. Well, so when that scene ended, did it cut to the Whalen satellite for you guys? And it's the big shadow and it looks like an alien queen. Fuck you, Paul W.S. Anderson. What horse shit. I also love that we have to go to Nebraska for no reason.

For no reason. We never go back there. It's just like we're in contact for like 30 seconds. See, that's what's funny is because I've seen it more than contact. Whenever I see all them there are satellites like that, I think of what's that Charlie Sheen movie? The Arrival. Yeah.

Oh, that's a stay tuned and half. Yeah. RIP are on silver. Oh, yeah. That still hurts. RIP everyone, man. The dream team won't be the same. He's not in the dream team.

It's somebody else. No, isn't he the doctor? No. Oh, you're right. He's in like every law and order ever. Yes. Wow. Yeah.

So then it's just, yeah, we're in Nebraska. someone gets like a reading on a printout and then it's like cut. Yeah, great. I'm so glad I saw that. Oh, at the end of that. And then we cut to Sanaleath and, uh, rock climbing like an ice mountain. Mission Impossible towing. Yeah, totally.

We're free climbing this thing. Still getting cell calls, by the way. Sure. And she's on, um, if you were on an ice cliff in Antarctica, would you pick, no, go on, sorry. Would you pick up your phone? I wouldn't. Cliff,

Clifanger Stallone has like, won the size of a boulder. It shows you how skilled she is. If you're that good at climbing that you can answer a phone call, pretty good. You've been selected for a survey. Like, oh, shit. No. Man, I got selected for a survey. This was a real bummer.

They were like, hey, you could be part of this market research group. And it was for Citibank. And they were like, you'd get $400 to do like an hour for this interview thing. And I was like, rad. And I had to do this like pre-serge. survey like questionnaire over the phone and I fucking got disqualified because they were like how often do you use your credit card I was like never and they were like oh what and the lady was trying to lead me on I didn't get it and she was like don't you mean you use it at least five

times a month and I was like no I have fucking horrible debt what are you people trying to do to me and she's like you're disqualified from this survey well this sad story is a good time to plug our patreon I think that's true yeah patreon.com slash we hate movies and we got a bunch of bonus content yeah we can get Andrews some socks without holes in them you know we could really get him out of the gutter

people at work have been laughing at me for the price of a beer a month this young man doesn't have to live in a cage he doesn't have to listen to Citibank you don't have to get excited about city bank surveys Sanal Lathan is on that shots fired cabin have you watch any of that I have I watched I didn't like it

I liked Demi's episode I watched that but I mean it's fine it's I mean they're trying to do it's a huge subject so I give them credit for that it's just surprising that it's on Fox yeah that also she was on some like

Al Franken sitcom in the night she has been everywhere well she's in loving basketball which is great and she's in she's in those best man movies best man and best man that is a great franchise to be in because every couple of fucking years

here it comes here's your check it's just a movie's gonna kill the box office dead let's just get a bunch of friends together and do another thing best friend best man summer vacation best man stuck in traffic best man intervention is coming up oh yeah that one's gonna be tough i think she's in the wood too oh she's gonna be in both i don't think the wood had his sequel but it should it should yeah get the wood back together but i mean she so she's on this i i mean she's on this ice reef essentially yeah she gets this call this is so So stupid.

Oh. Hello. Hi, this is New Paltz Alumni Foundation. We're actually looking for it. No, no, no. She's way more accomplished than a New Paltz alum.

Come on. It's some evil-voiced man from the other side says, hello, Mrs. Lathen. Hello, I need, I got business to contend with. Mr. Whalen needs you. I forgot to trim my fingers. You're having a nightmare that you're in the

It's so stupid though Because she gets to the top of the cliff And the dude is like there on the phone You didn't notice the helicopter landing Yeah you would have heard that shit come on Also alternatively you didn't die When the helicopter landed It shook the ice to its core

This is just the Whalen Corporation Not the Whalen it's before the merger Before the merger Oh wow Wow yeah And I don't know when that merger was because I'm pretty sure that in Prometheus and I just saw Alien Covenant It's still just whaling

Oh really? So when the fuck are we moving? I don't know what the fuck Utani's problem is. Was there like an antitrust suit or something? Like they were preventing the merger for a while? It might be. I don't know what's going on.

That would be a monopoly on space trucking alien. Utani was the MCI of the whole thing. Ask your grandparents about MCI. Oh yeah, man. They were like sprint but worse. Yeah, so then we cut to the first scene of The Exorcist because we're in the Middle East on some sort of dig. It's very Indian, it's very the beginning of Jurassic Park.

This is, you're totally right. Sam Neal with the kid, practically. It's like they're in a dig and like this Italian guy and his blonde friend finds like a Pepsi bottle cap, but it's like, fart. And they're like, oh, no, we just lost all the money. Must be crazy. It's a good way to get some product placement in, by the way. He starts using it as like a medallion. Well, that's like, how can we keep up the Pepsi product placement?

Maybe this dude will wear it as a necklace. He should have given that necklace to the predator and alien when they were fighting. Oh. Diffuse the situation. Or like, give it to the predator. Like, here's a gift to kill the xenomorph kind of thing. They're very into honorifics those predators. They are right.

Big time. As we learn in this movie, too. They're all honorary doctors as well. That's true. Oh, like Bill Cosby. Yes. Dr. Cusby, you've been condemned to death. You think they're going to do that?

They're going to keep his doctor title when they fucking finally sentence him to the tomb? Oh, I don't know. That motherfucker, he's not getting sentenced to anything. No, he's waiting to die right now. He's going to do a Joe Pa. What's that? Joe Paterno.

They were like, hey, Joe Paterno, you knew that that dude was fucking kids and you didn't do anything about it because you love football. And he was like, oh, yeah, oh, the cancer. And he died. is your warning paterno you got two years to die so paterno's dead no that's what I'm saying they went up to him and said

oh look this court case is a coming no he died like almost instantly it was quite amazing yeah I feel like they're just like sending Cosby cigarettes and like come on Cosby let's go so yeah so then we're just on our way to Antarctica man as quick as can be

with Mr. we meet Mr. Whalen himself Lance Henriksen because I'll buy that for a dollar because apparently the idea is Lance Henriksen obviously played Bishop and aliens right so the idea is like oh he used his own design

why would you I mean that does make sense why would you ever make a robot that looks like Lance Henrickson unless it was because you want it to be like a like a non-discreet like a you know like a oh I see yeah like that could be a boy he's just a guy that's what you really thought

what that's your whole reason I thought it was just Lance Henrickson is cheap I thought that was It's cheap to make a face look like that. Or you mean the character of Wayland is cheap. It's cheap. It's cheap to bring him back rather than asking fucking any of the other actual. It's also creepy looking, you know?

It's just stupid. It's just fucking stupid. It's like, how can we find ways to link this movie that nobody wants to the original franchise of Alien? There you go. He's, you know, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, I stand by. It's the cheapest way to do this. But look at the other people that are in this movie. aside from Sinat Lathan, who I think at the time

was the person doing the most work out of anybody in these movies. Ewan Bremner is the other big name. If there is a big name, and he's not a big name, because it's just Ewan Bremner. Spud from Trainspotting. Henrickson's, the evil guy, the number two is from Master of Nunn.

He's Salmon. What's his name? Yeah, I mean, like, there's just... The actor who, like, the really... Hello, Aziz. Oh. Oh, that's where he's from? Yeah, I think that's him. Oh, oh. I mean, but that's, I mean, that's, no, that that shows you how much. The finger thing meets the money in a big way. Because, yeah, like, I mean, like, that's the other thing, too, is like, centered these movies, like, Alien is always centered by Sigourney Weaver, who's a powerhouse actress. You've got Predator 1, you've got Arnold, and you've got, like, you know, Carl Weathers. That's something. Well, I mean, you really, you're coming for Arnold. You got an ensemble ballet there. Bill Duke, Jesse Ventura. There's a lot of great toughman.

Predator two, you got Bucy, you've got Danny Glover. Like, these are... You got Bill Paxton. There are stars you can... Ruben Blades. That kid that was in the graveyard. The predator said, want some candy? You couldn't get like, I don't know, like get Charlie Sheen.

Actually, just get Charlie Sheen versus Predator. Sure, why not? That's a thing. They tried it with Adrian Brody. It didn't work. Oh, yeah. Actually, though, in 2004, you could not get... Charlie Sheen. He was on that fucking sitcom

that I hate. Oh, that's right. He was probably expensive as hell. Two and a half men. Yeah. He was too busy letting everything fester. To your question, I didn't see that Robert Rodriguez produced Predators movie. Never have. From Nimrod Antal. Yes, correct. Is it just a remake of the first movie?

No, it's much. I think it's pretty different. I remember not liking it. I don't remember much else. It's not very, Very good. It's like a jungle of predators. Yeah, like there's several different predators. But it's not the same plot as, as, as, as, as, no, not at all. Do you get to see Tover Gray's get murdered in that movie then?

I believe so, yes. Cueing it up. Oh, no. That's the only time it's happened. Otherwise, I have to watch Spider-Man 3 again. Oh, yeah. And I'm already going to have to do this. Oh, that's right.

Oh, teaser. So, yeah, and like, basically, uh, Whalen comes out. He's like, there's been a great disturbance under this fucking cave. Essentially, there's like a thousand voices. Screamed out at once and we're suddenly silenced. Use a force. God damn it. That's no xenobite.

You'd be a great Jedi. I'll give him a stupid ponytail. You get Lance Hendrickson in there? You know why? Because he's patient as fuck. Lance Hendrickson is not a guy that freaks out. I mean, he's freaked out on film. But he doesn't traditionally.

freak out, which is you want patience with the Jedi. But everyone would be like, oh my God, it's one of them dark Jedi. I'm not. Like, yeah, you are. But you're going to turn any second. I swear to God. Come on. Come on. Look at you. Just look at him. Look how fucked up he looks. Just like a skeleton. Stop it.

You think I had summoned pumpkin head. Come on. You're telling me you're not a dark Jedi. Millennium? You don't think I watched it. But still the idea of some dude in the Jedi temple harassing Lance Hendrickson over having seen all of millennium. Got a little, after season two, a little, not good. Yeah, I saw those Earth Hollow vids.

This guy's evil. So basically it's like, oh, there's a heat signature in this pyramid that's a thousand meters under ice. We're going to go find it. And Alexa is like, look, it's a bad idea. I'm not going to do it. This is a death, this is a death sentence, blah, blah, blah. you're going to send all these scientists to their death. This is where, and he's like, oh, you know, fine, fuck you.

This is where you double it. I always wanted to do that to somebody, but like, double it. Whatever you're paying me, you better double it. That's right. Well, her whole thing is like there's not enough time to train all these scientists. Appropriately. She's being, you know, cautious about it. But yeah, I would just be like, do double it.

Like half the time, double the money. That's how that works. That's a bluff that Lance Henriksen is ready to go against. Exactly. He's ready to double is ready. Oh, no, but he's, he's, like, he's, ready he already has somebody else on the line he's he's not waiting for son all a latin to say okay I keep yelling at

Patreon double it and nothing happens I was gonna say I did that to my boss she's like could you go back to work now double it yeah I will if you double it double what okay double the work you'll take you want more roast beef sandwich sandwich I only do that at the pizza place

basically okay double is like yeah you got it fat guy yeah yeah Steve works at a pizzeria I'm always tempted to say double it at Subway Subway Sandwich is double up that meat But they gouge you, man. Oh God, did they just kill you. They're the worst.

You shouldn't be paying $12 for a sandwich. Also, it's Subway in parentheses meat. Yeah. Yeah. You know, Subway's turkey-based ham. There's not a entire-based turkey.

But ironically, steak-based tires, which is weird. Those are delicious. Steakums. Chewy. So we don't get, and I mean, this is a thing, like, again, either you should be doing blue collar or whatever or, or, you know, mercenaries. But we just get a bunch of scientists, but not even really a bunch of science. It's not interesting. It's nobody.

There's fucking no one in this movie. And it's like, if you're going to have nobody in a movie, fine. At least make those nobody's characters. Sure. This movie does neither. Or alternative. give them really, really grotesque deaths. I like that

idea. This is very simple. I don't need the star power. I just need you to give a shit about what you're doing here. Chris Cavins, uh, Hollywood tell all, I don't need the star power. I mean, you're totally right. And listen, watching this PG-13 version, it's like, what the fuck are we

doing here? Yeah, I'm curious. Well, it's bullshit things that I don't know if it looks any different in the unrated cut, which I guess all three of you watched. How long was your cut? Uh, we're talking one hundred minutes flat. Okay, so we had like four minutes extra or something. Yeah, I just feel like it's seconds on the kill.

Well, but it's also, I feel like it might be some computer editing, though, because I had several things where like the Predators, Spears going through people and whatnot. And it's like, it's through a human being and it's like clean. Oh, no, that's definitely in the. That's in there. Yeah, because. Oh, really? No, I mean, no, it's not in the.

Oh, they are gory. There's just blood. It's CGI blood. Yeah. I mean, it's CGI blood. Because this is like, it's just the, it's a shot of the prop. and there's no blood on it. That's stupid.

It doesn't fucking make any sense. Like there's the one thing where the predator's spears like invisible and it goes through the dude and then like it turns and it's just like clean. It's the cleanest spear. It's like they just got it from Dick's sporting goods. Well, maybe the blood stayed invisible.

Well, actually that's what the effect should be is like a bunch of blood on the spear. Give me like the outline of blood then. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, exactly. It's like, God, I, What am I fucking go into these movies for? Or even the simplest thing in the world.

Blood on the floor. Yeah. I love blood on the floor. Ewan Bremner gets taken by one of these fucking aliens at one point. Right. And it's like, you know, pulled up from the thing. And I'm like, okay, he got hurt there. Nothing.

Yeah. It's just like, ah, he's gone. These clean poles. I mean, it's like, and this is Predator we're talking about. These are always, predators always a hard R. Yep. Aliens always a hard R. You know what I mean?

There always are. Hard are. You know what I mean? Brain matter, fucking skinned people hanging from trees, man. Like, come on. But for some reason, they're like, oh, all these kids watched those R movies at home, and now the kids want to go to the movies, make it PG-13.

That was a early 2000s thing. We were very afraid of R-rated movies for some reason. Like, dude, we didn't fucking figure it out until Deadpool. What are you talking about? I mean, that was like last year. Took forever. Yeah, I mean, that was just the thing. Like, we'll get him to theater, and then like, you can get the unrated thing on Blu-ray.

which is, it's fucking bullshit. Like, a horror movie shouldn't be rated at PG-13. What am I doing here? No. No, it should not. That's the thing is they try to turn both of these franchises, which are, to me, primarily horror movies. Yeah.

And they try to turn them into it, a pure action movie. Yeah. Right. Right. Action adventure, by the way. A bit of adventure was going on here. Predator's actions. Predator, they both have action elements.

I give that. But for the most part, when you have a tree of skinned people, I'm like, that's horror. I'm so scared right now. Oh my God, I'm so fucking terrified. It was really great. What are you waiting for, huh? Just do it.

They didn't know what was killing them. That's what made it so great in the first movie. Hey, Jesse, this guy wants to know what my favorite scary movie is. Should I answer yes or no? Hey, Jesse, it was ridiculous. The phone rang in the middle of the night and I picked it up and the tongue licked my mouth from the phone. If you find yourself in a Predator movie,

here's what you do, okay? You don't split up. My mother, Lori Metcamp, she is the real killer. You cover yourself in mud. It turns out it was two teenage boys dressed like Predators. They were doing Predator at the same time.

I'm going to kill you with a television set, Matthew Lillas. Oh, mercy. I know, so, like, I mean, like, we wind up going. We're going to the thing. And, I mean, like, it takes a long time for the alien and the predator to meet. You better believe it. Like, on this, we're on a boat, like, you know, crashing through Antarctic ice kind of a deal. Because the pyramid took a hundred things down.

It's like a really far away down under ice. Right. And so at one point, there is just a shot of, like, inside the predator's spacecraft. Uh-huh. And I'm like, oh, cool. fucking predators finally and you see like a laser shoot down to earth and we don't know what it is but then it's just back to these boring ass people on a boat it sucks you mentioned that like this temples like got the architecture of like the aztecs and uh cambodia and egyptians and how

like it's like the first pyramid right ever and it's like the first civilization and that's when you start piecing it together man you're like oh fuck Predator was ancient aliens. This was an ancient aliens movie. Yes, and they do that flashback of like, and they were worshipped as gods. Yep. You know, the predators up on the top of the pyramid

like, oh, thanks, guys. Can we? Thanks for the Academy Award. The President of the Academy Awards every year. No, well, you know, like the people, you know, the common folk that they will then kill or whatever. Or use to lure an

aliens to then kill aliens? That is, I think, the most interesting part of... Can we talk about that, or should we... We're using the I-word? No, yeah, let's go... Let's jump. Yeah, let's go... Yeah.

Well, okay, so that scene is incredibly interesting to me, because most of this movie, the aliens are considered the villains of the movie. Right. For the most part, because they kill everybody. Sure. In this situation... So, the predator,

the species of the predators... Mm-hmm. birthed all these aliens and proliferated them so that they could kill them. They didn't birth them, yeah. bred them so that they could kill them. Correct. How is the predator not the villain of all of this?

It's a good question. Because, like, he just like... It's like he's the evil mastermind. He's like the Dr. Monroe. Yeah, like he bred all these, like, species and just did it to kill them constantly over and over again, no matter what. Well, you know what? Here, I'll tell you why.

Because there's no way for an alien xenomorph to look sympathetic in any capacity. And that's the end of this fucking movie. They also can't communicate. Is this like, yeah. And like this disgusting, you know, this crab face thing, like, you know, is like, it's got eyeballs and it can look at Sena Lathan, like, sort of emotionally. I mean, at the end of this movie is her kind of defending her boyfriend, the predator. You know what I mean?

And it's like, you can't do that with the xenomorph. So, like, yeah, sure, they were bred to be murdered. And that's a bummer for the xenomorph. But also, you know, they're like some evil little fucking animals, man. I mean, they're just as dangerous as anything else. Like, they should be exterminated. But didn't they, like, bring them there for that? But they're weird.

Yes, they did. It's very unethical of the predator. I'm not defending the predator. I'm just saying, like, from the movie's point of view. And it's also a humanoid. You identify with humanoid more than you would, like, a... A snake spider. Here's my question, because, I mean, to your point, Andrew, like, we probably don't follow Predator 2, which takes place on an alternate timeline.

But we are following mostly Predator 1, right? So, like, why would the... So the predators, as a species, like, we got this great planet called Earth. We go there every hundred years to hunt aliens. It's a great... Oh, man, it's just a great place to go, spread out. Everybody's getting blown. Yeah, exactly.

It's a good vacation. It's like Cabo, right? Yeah. It's Predator. It's... Predator Cabo. It's the MTV Beach House. And we go there for a very specific reason,

which is to incubate humans and blah, blah, blah. So then what is the predator doing in the 1980s in the fucking Venezuelan jungle hunting Arnold Schwarzenegger and only Arnold Schwarzenegger without any xenomorphs anywhere near? That's true. Well, yeah. I think he's a separatist prep.

Oh, I see. Isn't there something about the first movie? Doesn't he like crash land? Oh, is he just like, is it an accident? I think he's just passing by. Yeah, and he breaks down. Or maybe he was hungry. I think he could be

Drive-thru I think his ship like crashes Yeah There's some twinkle Where like the ship Goes down Yeah

Yeah I think so that's At least that movie The second movie Where they're under The fucking streets Of Los Angeles I can't even tell you So it's like

Oh it's like when you go to Cabo You want to stay in Cobb You don't want to go outside So that's like oh man That's what it is It's like now I'm in this backwoods thing Hunting Arnold Schwarzener Oh fuck I left the resort compound

Exactly Like just set this movie put the temple, the predator temple on Mars or something, have it be like an expedition to Mars and you get there and it's like, maybe there's Martians and it turns out to be xenomorphs and predators. That would be a great idea. More interesting than, and it would preserve the idea of hunting humans on Earth as well, I guess. Right. It would certainly allow them to get a little bit more visually interesting since all these freaking grim black. Oh, wait a second, in order to prevent some unnecessary tweets from being fired off.

Now I'm remembering, though, that the plot of AVP Requiem, I think, is also that a predator crash lands on Earth for some... That's a predator breakdown movie, for sure. What's good about that movie is you've got suburbia, you know, or whatever. And it's also... We're just fucking unapologetically killing people. And it's... Murder and slaughter.

That's what I came here for. Please. Because the Arctic is boring as fuck without Kurt Ruff. You're goddamn right. Who's going to put their feet up on something? Early 2000s, get Kurt Russell. What's he doing? Dark Blue? No one's going to watch Dark Blue.

Get him in a fucking alien versus Predator movie. You're goddamn right. Maybe he's the captain of the ship that goes to Mars. Here's the thing. Did you guys know that the predators have names in this movie? No. I did not know. They don't.

Yes, they do. But you have to translate the incomplete triangle. Did I not have the subtitles on? They have cute little, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, this is grimrack. And this is Toga. You wish it was Grim Racks and Toga. Oh, man, I want those dudes. It's like blushed toys and little teddy bears.

Grim Racks and Toga. The main predator who winds up almost getting to second base with Sinali. Jeff. Scar. Oh, that's stupid. But where is this being displayed in the movie? And then the other two are named Shopper and Celtic. No, they're not.

Celtic? I'm already, I'm already, I'm already, that was. was a fake thing. That was our Gallagher fucking fact. Somebody did it for this. Somebody's just making it up. It's on Wikipedia. I think that that's probably in the production notes and might be even be in the credits as he's... Oh, maybe

he was in the novelization. Speaking of stupid shit, on the IMDB trivia, I saw that this is the first predator movie to feature a left-handed predator. I saw that and almost spit on my own phone.

What a stupid thing. How about that? Just imagine that that's what you do. Like, you watch this movie, and what you take from it is that there was a left-handed predator. But you know what, Chris, you only take that from the movie after the 12th time you've seen it. I guess so. The predator and predator, too, is ambidecturist. I like the idea of somebody watching it on a big screen TV and like, hold on, hold on, like, rewinding, watching him grab his spear,

Rewinding watching Grasder. Honey, get my predator tapes! I think we've got a left-handed predator. You know what, babe, I don't think we've had a left-handed predator before. Babe, put some coffee on. I got a lot of research to do tonight. We're going to be watching some movies. We're going to be watching some movies.

Paul W.S. Anderson probably just flipped the shot. Yeah. It's like digitally flipped. I mean, the super fans, though, this just reminds me to get this quick story out of the way. It's not anything. But I was... It's called aliens versus predator. They're in Antarctica.

I was projecting at the multiplex at the time. We're talking 2004. And I was in college, so it must have been either like summer this movie came out or like over a break or something. That sounds right. And there was a dude who he sucked at his job horribly and not many people liked him. Don't talk about me like that, man. And I mean, he was a nice enough guy. He was just like kind of lazy and shitty.

Oh, also Chris. Oh, man. Whoa, smoked. So he decides, he puts in that he's going to take like a Friday night off. And like, you know, being an usher at a movie theater, like, that's a no-go. You got to be open. Sure. But it was like just that Friday.

So the manager gave it to him. It was whatever. I go down the stairs for like a cup of coffee that night. And I see this dude. And I'm like, motherfucker, you ask for the night off. You can't be coming into work. What are you crazy? So I see this dude.

I was like, hey, man, what are you doing? Like, what are you here for? And he like claps his hands together. and then, like, spreads his arms out wide. Like, you know, I'm crazy for asking. And he's like, dude, AVP, bro. Oh, man. And you go to the theater you work in instead of a different theater.

Well, you got it for free. And so stand in the place where you work, watching Alien versus Predator every live a long day now. It was ridiculous, though, because then I was like, oh, you're excited for that movie? And he just goes, dude, my whole family is. Cut to that joke from the Simpsons where Cleetus is like, Come out here, Cody, scooter, bonnet, Ryan Gator, Climrax, Toga, Scar, Chopper, Celtic. Dude, like 12 people walked by me. All dressed like predators.

A lot of them young children. Did he get all 12 in for free? Dude, they all just, it was outrageous. That is gross, Miss Con. fucking outrages. He was going to college or something. I don't know. I don't understand.

This dude wasn't going to go. But it was outrageous. I was like, you brought your whole family. Possibly some extended cousins came in from out of town to jointly watch Alien versus Predator. That's crazy. To sit in a room. Everyone saw this is going to be a turd. Everyone saw this.

To sit in a room and be fucking grossly disappointed two hours later. So, I mean, like, what we're doing here is we're just, we get in the pyramid. We find some stuff. a lot of that thing that archaeologists and movies like to do, which is grab shit and start solving puzzles right away. Like, no gloves just grabbing everything. Just touching shit.

Yeah, how no one... Like, it's got to be mandatory. Like, all right, man, we're in this fucking temple. Everybody put gloves on. Yeah, yeah. And don't touch anything. We're just going to take pictures for now. The next trip, maybe we'll move some dust around, dust some shit off. I say don't even go into the

fucking thing. You found it. Like, Lance Henriksen's whole thing is, I don't want somebody else to find it. That's the whole thing. Put a flag on it. You're there. Make camp. Get another team in here. Get a whole bunch of people. Get like a hundred people. Get a facility. Yes.

And then have all them slaughtered so that I can have a good movie here. Look, when they discovered the alien spacecraft buried in the Arctic in the first X-Files movie, which this movie also rips off horribly. Dude, the FBI

had a whole fucking team down there. It was like a camp of people. That's how you do this. It wasn't just Mulder and Scully. Eventually Mulder and Scully got separated. Well, that's the government founded. This is a private business. Oh, shit. Privatized. I'm totally right. The Cokes got this one. And that's actually

Man, I'd love to see them ripped apart by a predator. Sebastian Coke. David's like, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, grandson. Oh, man, the Cokes are going to have some fucking Android's made after them. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Why is that Android so dumpy? Well, here's the thing, though, is in movies, getting a team of, like, you say, like, you know, it was a right of the passage for the predators to do this thing.

In movie language, it's a right of passage for a billionaire to get scientists killed. Like a group of, you want to get, that's how you go, you cut your teeth as a billionaire is you get a team of scientists killed right in a remote location. But now the thing of it is, this movie gets it right with Lance Hendrickson, who is like just murdered by a predator. at one point, whereas they changed the movie from the book of Jurassic Park, and that motherfucker John Hammond makes it out alive. Oh, he's dancing in all those movies. I know, but in the book, he gets killed by Raptors on a boat. Yes, it's great. Quite killed. He gets super murdered. Speaking of this, billionaires making their bones, killing scientists, do you think this is what Donnie's doing in the White House? Well, he's actively, I mean, like,

it's different to, it's different from like accidentally getting scientists killed, which is kind of the, I'm going to need a bunch of scientists to go to this airfield in Syria. Don't ask me why. There's something that needs to be looked into. Okay, okay. Launch the bars. Do you think climate change deniers love like Roland Emmerich movies? Yeah.

And they're like, there's a reason they call it science fiction. It's science fucking fiction. 2012 science fucking fiction. Day after tomorrow, documentary. So, I mean, like, there's not a lot of plot here. We find out that the pyramid itself is this weird maze that is kind of like a... Oh, by the way, the alien queen gets woken up. Like, defrosted and woken up.

Okay. Possibly controversial opinion. The introduction of the alien queen and aliens, although awesome, and it's a great couple of scenes, kind of weaken the franchise. Like, I think that the idea that we always have to see what the alien queen is up. two. It's like, I don't necessarily need it in every movie. Was that in the third one though? Good question. I don't think so. I don't think it is. I think they brought it back in the fourth one and that was

its downfall. That sucks. The second one, it exists solely so Sigourney-Weaver can call it a bitch. Yeah. And that's great. Which is awesome. And it's really cool. And if you want to talk about like how these things breed, I can, I can see making a queen. But the thing is like so much science fiction since then has ripped that off. Yes. To such a degree. We even got a Borg Queen.

Yeah, no, totally. Borg Queen. You have the fucking queen in Independence Day Resurgence that looks just like the alien. That was the worst. How? Maybe that's why I'm so upset about the alien queen.

Jim's Cameron's got a fucking lawsuit against speaking of Roland Emmerich, by the way. I mean, why would that be a queen? Why would they breed like queen like that? No. Why would they breed like ants and shit?

Because they're little, like the aliens in Independence Day are like little gleapclops in huge mecks suits. Yeah. So you would think that they like went to fucking college and like we're like lived a normal life and instead they're being shit out by a queen non-stop

Well that's what's insane is like college Does the queens Does the queen's suit open And like what? Roseanne comes out like I don't Possibly Is this the critic? It's like an episode of the critic

Oh my God The alien queen's weirdly transphobic I just learned that about Rosanne And it was quite disheartening Yeah I didn't know about this Yeah nobody likes that You know, they're doing a revival of that show?

Who the fuck could care? That's where it came out because my wife told me about it. And she was like, Roseanne fucking sucks. And I was like, Roseanne's a comedy pioneer. And she was like, yeah, but she's like transphobic and shitty to people. And I was like, oh, that sucks. But she thinks she's still okay. Yeah, she's doing all right.

But how are you doing that? I mean, I'm sorry. The end of that series is John Goodman passes away. Yes. And he's been dead for a whole year at like the finale of that show. So you're telling me. You're going to bring back Roseanne Without Dan Conner

Force Ghost, Dan Connor. No. Oh, no, you find, no, it's... Darla, you must go to the Degabush system. No, maybe it's, it's, uh, it's, uh, Cloeryfield Lane there. Like, the whole, it's the Connor family underground in a bunker. That'd be great.

Post-a-Poc, yeah. That movie, I'll tell you right now, you want to talk about snub of the century. I'm not saying win for it. John Goodman should have been. nominated for an Academy Award for the performance in 10 Cloverfield Lane. It's pretty good movie. He's fucking awesome in that movie. The movie itself is an

amazing. I liked it. I liked it too, but like John Goodman in that movie steals the show. Get John Goodman in this movie. Like you could have easily got us. Oh my God. You need a fucking Colonel John Goodman. He would be a military figure. It would be amazing. You could just do the thing where oh man the most bone-chilling John Goodman of all time when he fucking walks into the Oval Office and talks shit to Martin Sheen and says like with all due respect,

Mr. President, get the hell out of my office. Ooh, my spine's just tingling thing about it now. With all due respect, Mr. Predator, get the hell out of my office. Mr. Predator. John Goodwin actually has a fairly good death scene in a Kong

Skoll-I. He does. It's like, it's funny and brutal. Spoiler City. You know what? If you didn't see that movie in theaters, you shouldn't see it. So the alien, here's the alien queen is like frozen and wakes up and starts like fucking shit. shitting out eggs, and it's like, in this, like, weird factory?

So the aliens, like, making shit happen? But it's like, who... Okay, there's so many questions here. First question, what is freezing it? Yeah, great. What the... I mean, I guess we're in Antarctica, but, like, in that... In the chamber, nothing's frozen.

And we don't know what... At what temperature does an alien freeze? What is a good... That's a great question. What is a good temperature to freeze a xenomist, right? That's a Ray Bradbury book. You're right. We should have definitely had more backstory for the predators in their whole

this whole thing. Well, listen, you don't want an alien queen with a freezer burn. They don't taste as good. Yeah, so that's a question. But then also, like, these eggs just start falling out. She's been ready to shit for a month, for a million, for a hundred years, it's

but it's like, where where was the dude? Who's, yeah, I don't know who's, you never no, dude, it's a predator with like a cotton swab full of alien Your record Say that you're currently on Texta Trill

And Fucking Predator Checking the Queen's chart So have you felt any more problems in your limbs? I know they're shackled and everything But, you know, we can do something for you there. Oh, it's kicking. Feel my thorax. Oh, God, help us all.

Oh, oh, it's turned around. We're going to have to get in there. Okay. All right. Got to make a Z section. Oh, watch out. Acid got me. Well, that's the other thing, too.

Actually, why the aliens have been hunting predators for thousands of years at this point. It's a proud tradition. And they're like super technologically advanced. How do they not figure out fucking armor that doesn't, that is acid resistant? Here's what I think that is. The predators are a proud race. Oh, I see. Of hunter-gatherers.

And I think each time, it's like we're going to. But it's like, we're going to. They wouldn't be going there, and they're loaded up with their Calbellas fucking hunting gear. Oh, big xenomorph hunter. They're playing that on the show and a cabellas, space cabellas.

Yes, space cabellas, dude. I just think they like to start at square one every time. It's like a fairer. I feel like if you're doing gear, get the best gear, you know. Man, the back of a predator, it's like an opening Star Wars shot.

You know what I mean? It's a ship. It's a predator's ship. And then at the back it just says, If you're reading this, the bitch fell off. Because that's what the predators are, man. We pan down to a predator wearing a bass pro-fishing shop hat or whatever. Do you have a camo cover for your second tire? Well, let me get you so that xenomorph jerky.

Thank you very much. I want a mudflap for the back of my spaceship that just says it's a picture of a xenomorph. She's got huge titties. You know, we were thinking of getting some fishing gear and going to pick up a few babies, eunomorphs at the pond. And then a bumper sticker that says half triangle square slash. Hillary Clinton. And then rhombus.

Oh, boy. Got her good. Robbis that bitch. But her rhombus. Hillary for half circle You know what I'm saying, man You know what I'm saying I'm saying

And then just one that says InfoWorce So this like maze Becomes activated when the predator When the alien queen wakes up We get separated There's like a bunch of nobody's everywhere Like the main group is

Alexa What's his face Lance Henriksen And this other guy some Italian dude. Oh, the Italian, yeah, with the little Pepsi Bob Loss thing. Yeah, that guy in Spud. Spud's there.

Yeah, and they all kind of get separated and... Because the temple starts moving. Yeah. It's like a Nickelodeon show. It is. Omec is involved, apparently. Well, it's like, they say every 10 minutes. And we discovered this because the Italian guy who's some sort of scientist...

He's an archaeologist. Oh, yeah, you're right. He's like just, he's reading the shit out of these walls. Oh, man. everything. Dude, he's fluent in Predator. Isn't it him and his archaeologist pal that I don't remember because it's nobody? Oh, the dude

who looks like a D-grade version of the blonde guy from Rent? Yes, yeah, Anthony Rap. He looks at bullshit Anthony Rap. Which I also get Anthony Rap. It's very easy. Oh, yeah. He was waiting by the phone. He was waiting literally

by a phone. And then there's it's bullshit Anthony Rap and bullshit switch from the Matrix. Yes. Yes. Not like this. Oh, man. That woman should have said that when she gets a face hugger thrown at her.

I disgusted my fiance last night. She's like, oh, she looks like that lady from the Matrix. And I immediately went, not like this. And she's like, how do you know that line? Oh, come on. It's the best line. It's definitely the best switch line. Isn't it the only switch line?

It was the kill switch. Kill switch. So, but this. They get separated, and they're in like a predator, or I'm sorry, in an alien, like, breeding room with a bunch of eggs in it. And I think actually, in terms of, like, inconsistent horror tropes, there is the old joke of, like, zombies, a zombie bite could turn into a zombie inconsistently movie to movie. But, like, movie to movie alien incubation is so rampantly inconsistent. John Hurd, like, is down for, like, hours, even a day. He wakes up.

He eats breakfast. Uh-oh, alien. Because that's a good movie. Yeah. Ridley Scott directed that. It's like six minutes. It's really fucking fast. I don't get it.

Is that fucking thing in Super Mario Brothers, too, that spits eggs in everyone? Burdo. Is that a xenomorph? Yes. She might be. Yeah. She might be the alien queen. Bung.

Mm-bong. Bown. Bown. Oh, you seem to have these shells in your mouth. Every, like, oh, my God. Every second? Oh, my, I can't catch all. Oh, my God.

Oh, God. Berto, what are you been eating, pal? Bown. Oh, that's tender. Oh, ew. So, I mean, like, they get infested. Aliens finally come out. Now we get Alien versus Predator.

There are specifically, I think, three exact scenes of aliens versus predator in this movie. By the way, Lance Henriksen needs, again, Again, in the alien world, the businessman gets it the worst, right? Like, that's, Paul Reiser gets it real fucking bad. Oh, that's right. In aliens, oof. What's his face? Ian Holm is a robot, but he's a company man robot.

He gets it bad at an alien. Like, these are things you, and, like, Lance Henriksen, like, it turns out to be a really kind man that, like, has a heroic death? No, no, no, no, no. I don't know. He has to push, like, Lexa down the stairs to save himself and get impaled on something. and get his head fuck. Well, it's also an obnoxious thing. And I hate when...

There's other instances where this has happened where, like, he goes up against the monster, right? And Predators, like, it appears as if you have stage four lung cancer. Let me take a look at your chart here. Oh, I'm sorry. We won't be able to help you out. This qualifies as a

pre-existing condition. You see this cloudy area up here? That's not supposed to be like that. Oh, Lance, lance, sit down. I don't know how to tell you this, buddy. you got any family or what but yeah so he notices that he's got like cancer or whatever it's

non-specific I guess we couldn't afford the trademarked cancer in this movie because he says earlier he like bonds with Lex he's like I'm sick and she's like oh you can't go on the trip he's like just give me this one Lex yeah so the predator doesn't kill as in

predator too does not kill pregnant women and does not kill sick people he's well the terminally ill he's like that's there's no there's no honor and a weak, sickly person? The young and thriving, however. Oh, sure. Well, nature beat him to Lance Hendrickson.

Right. But then, so then, like, Predator just walks away, and Lance Hendrickson's like, Oh, you know, walk away from me, you stupid fucking alien, and, like, would he shoot something at him? Oh, he tries to light him on fire. That's right.

It's pretty lame. It's like hairspray and a lighter, and he goes at it. And the Predator's like, really, dude. I gave you a second chance because you're going to be dead in a week anyway, but all right, fine. and fuck you and just murders him.

I got fucking 40 minutes of this movie left to go, man. And you're playing this shit with me. I'm just going to kill you. Now, how does he die in the unrated cut? He just gets impaled and it is bloody. Okay, I was wondering if maybe it changed.

A lot of lame impaling. You want a sick decapitation. At the very least. Because it's like, it would be a quick, like, predator like, fuck you kill. Like you just like, wink, quicham. And he's just dead. I want it.

You know, Pardon me on this one, but when it comes to Alien versus Predator, aliens or Predator, I want to kill that's more substantial, more creative than Braveheart. Yeah, half the deaths in Braveheart are impalings. I don't fucking need it, man. Yeah, Braveheart's got better death when that Englishman gets his leg chopped off. Yeah. That's nice.

Even that's more creative. There's her boovers. Unfortunately, there's a lot of Predator just kicking dudes in this. Oh, a scientist. Let me just kick him down this chef. Well, the biggest bunch of bullshit is at the beginning of the movie, when the predators kind of, they get to Antarctica and they sort of lay waste to the whaling village,

which is just all these mercenaries that Lance Hendrickson hired. But there's one part where one of these hard bodies is like, oh, what's chasing me or something like that? And he backs up into a room or whatever it is. And there's all these pre-hung dead bodies. And I was like, what the hell, Predator movie? Like, let me see that. Well, they move really quick.

We know the predators. The first thing's first, you kill them, you move them right up. You got to move them right up, man. Well, they all take Adderall. They're very tidy. They're a very tidy race. We do get a cool. Henrickson's number two dies in that net, which is kind of fun.

That's almost a counselor death. That was awfully close, I thought. It was, yeah. To what? The counselor. Oh, I didn't see it. There's a mechanism that decapitates you. Oh, well, it reminded me of like, Syrex.

It's very Syrac. Yeah. ripping off mortal combat. What is Paul W.S. Anderson? The other one, so basically, the alien shows up and the alien versus the predator, we wrestle fight. The alien, the predator puts him in the net, and one of the aliens gets in the net and becomes, as Wikipedia tells me, the alien's name after that point is grid. God damn, he's a shopper, Celtic, scar, and grid. You know what? How about this one?

Yeah. That fucking one. How about that shit? These things don't need names. They don't need cute nicknames. They don't need it for your Wikipedia entry, for your IMDB tribute, a fucking book that nobody wants to read.

All right? It's all terrible. It's just an alien with a bunch of fucking scars on its head. Its name is not great. Unless... Number one, number two. Yeah, exactly. Unless we're doing a Project NIM

with a xenomorph, then maybe, possibly. But other than that, no. Actually, you don't want to be alien number one that gets caught in the net, David. He was the man. Grid in Alien vs. Predator. Oh, I cannot believe you remembered Grid.

I fucking told you not to mention Grid. I'm always waiting for him to be like, I fucking told you. Leave that one off your goddamn chart. We're going to fucking do it over. David, we're running it again. No, no. Go deeper in the filmography, David. I don't need it.

Someone's just listening. Like, why did he leave this? Why did this make the cut? Grid. I don't know. I mean, like, they're like, the dumb thing is, like, they do wrestle fight, right? Like, it's, there's a couple of pile drivers. I mean, I'll say this. He's grabbing the alien by the foot and swinging him around.

It's really stupid. Now, here's a question I had, because this was the first time I noticed this. And maybe it's the case in the other two prior predators. movies. But is the predator not like four feet taller than the Undertaker in this movie? Like he's very big. He's bigger than average, right? It's like a footer out.

He's always supposed to be really big. He was like, he had like a foot on Arnold. Yeah, I guess that's fair. But these five-ish. These things are fucking huge though. And I think it's only because he's supposed to be fighting a xenomorph which is a traditionally larger creature. Sure.

You know, so it's like, I guess if they weren't the same size, like the xenomorph would just like house this dude or whatever, but like, well, the Zeromorff houses them anyway. Yeah, well, he takes out the first, he takes out Celtic and Chopper quite quickly. Oh, the fucking adaptation name.

He gets one through the head with his mouth. And then like one through his tail through the body? Yeah, yeah, yeah, he impels the other one. The tongue head, the Zenomorph like tonguehead through the Predator's head thing, this movie sucks. And I'll tell you, this is the greatest example. If you had to like,

if someone was like, hey man, give me one solid reason why this movie's stupid. It's this. When the head goes, when like the tongue head goes through Predator's head, you can just clearly hear a gunshot sound effect. What are you talking about? There was

a second xenomorph on the grassy old. Just using a rifle. Yes. All right, here we go. Line it up. Little slimy tangrils around a rifle. The killed predator! The kill predator!

It's coming from the book to repository building in the temple. Hey, Predator! Blam! Jack Ruby's, you know more? If I like that? Oh, totally, yeah. Here's my question, though. Yes. Anyone else noticed the lion roars were given predators in this movie? Like, give me

a goddamn break? He's eight feet tall and he roars like a lion. That's not the predator I know. Not the predator I came to this party with. Absolutely not. Thanks for inviting me to this party, Steve. I'm having a really great time. I brought a bottle of wine. Yeah, you have a couple of drinks in your predator.

You turn into a totally different animal. You become taller and you roar like a lion. Let me see. What kind of rye you got here? Oh, man, picky predator is the liquor cabinet? I like that. His name is picky. He was the predator who played picky.

You know, bullets not bad. Cheap stuff's good. It's fine. Don't worry, man. Turning to Peter Falk a little bit there. Yeah, yeah, it's fine. these things happen skid row predator we don't even see a bunch of i think we only see one like alien hatch from like maybe it happens from switch or anthony rap or is it not the final teaser it happens from fake switch almost immediately that's the biggest offender of like how long is this gestation period like she wakes up also it's fucked up because like the face hugger fell off her yeah everyone else is still hanging out with the face hugger on you could read this the face hugger fellow. Yeah, no, it's exactly right.

And she wakes up and she's like, ew, it's like a white lobster. Yeah. White lobster. Do you think they would taste good? It's a white lobster. What? Oh, yeah.

Do you boil that shit? I always thought they would look delicious. Flash boiler. Just a nice little butter sauce. A little lemon. Get some lemon and paprika put in that butter sauce. I think the xenomorph, aside from the acid, if you could clean it

without the acid, eat that flesh. It's like a poisonous blowfish. It's probably very, there's a good cut on that scene. A little skilled predator chef, too. There's only two people in the world they can do it. You've got to book them years in advance. That's the other thing to you is why aren't the

Predators eating these things? Come on. Like, that's the other thing. Well, I guess my question would be more, why aren't they like stringing them up like human beings? You know what? Give me the Predator Planet already.

Yeah. That's just what I want. Show me their economy. What's going on there? Well, spoiler, at the end of this, we do get General H.R. McMaster. The general of the predators. Oh, the guy with the cape?

And the fucking whiskers. A predator with a cape? Yeah. I love the idea of a predator in a cape. Well, they're all about uniform. Nothing wrong with that. A little chilly down in Antarctica. I guess I'll bring the cape.

I'll doll in the cape. Well, that's like on Star Trek, man. When you ever had like a Klingon dignitary, it was always a fat old guy with a beard and he guaranteed had a cape. Sometimes a sash, too, though. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's like a lot. You got sash.

It's up to ass. So the movie kind of progresses They're fighting the alien You and Bremener like gets it He's like in the alien while he knows he's got an alien inside of him And he's got a gun And he's like shooting up all these facehuggers right He doesn't yet have one inside of him

That's the thing He's like trying to protect himself He notices everybody else has a face hugger on them And he's like oh that's so gross And then like another one hatches and he starts, like, firing wildly. Anyone notice we're doing a little bit of matrixing with the facehuggers as they, like, fly out to, like, kind of stop? Oh, man, that's so cool.

We were only five years away from the Matrix, dude, or five years off from it, so we still love that shit. It's gross because it's to show, like, the facehugger penis coming out. Yeah, it's not bad. It's right, because it penetrates your face. But he gets a gun, he shoots one, and then he sees, like, all of these other ones hatching, and then you hear him firing wildly. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. The first bullet after that is going right into the fucking brainstem, my friend. Absolutely.

I'm killing myself. I'm stuck to a wall with a bunch of disgusting face hunger monsters. He has a family. I don't care. Oh, my God. I got to hear about this Scotsman's fucking family while he walks around with his cheap digital camera. Taking selfies with a digital camera. And he's like, he does the stupid thing that normally in movies is like, this one's going to get me the Pulitzer.

his character does the oh this will be a good one from National Geographic the scientist by the way I don't know if it was him or someone else maybe the Italian guy was talking about like like oh like this shouldn't be there oh it's like finding Moses's DVD collection yeah that's Ewan Bremener

oh yuck dude that's a stinker man double it you want me to say this line double it yeah you and Bremener on the set of that And they hand you that bullshit, like, oh, you're going to double it, brother. You know what, honestly, because how much are you getting paid to be an AVP in the first place?

But also, what a great story. I got fucking fired from Alien versus Predator. Because I wouldn't say a line about Moses' DVD collection. Yuck. So the Italian guy bites it. They're like trying to, it's just down to her in the Italian. Yeah. They learn everything you could learn about this through hieroglyph.

Holy shit. He just reads this wall like a Star Wars scroll. She starts calling the aliens Serpents, which is really silly. I mean, I guess it kind of makes sense. Well, it's stupid because, like, he says serpent because he's reading the translation from the hieroglyphics. Oh, I see. But then she just keeps saying serpent, you're like, no, no, no, no, no. I kind of, I, I, because she already met the predator at this point? Yeah, they went back.

They had their meat cute. Okay. So I, at this point, I actually kind of. I agree with her calling it a serpent. Okay. Because you've been saying when all these uniforms are coming, oh my God, it's a fucking alien. Oh, my God, it's a fucking alien. Yeah.

And then there's, oh, there's another alien? Yeah. The serpent one and the person one. Yeah. That's a good call. Handsy? Well, they all have hands. Mask.

And black serpent. Teeth. There's that teeth alien. Oh, wait, that one has teeth too. I was happy that the predator keeps his fishnets. stocking apparel. Absolutely. It's like a full body

fishnet stock. You know what? And also you're going to Antarctica predator. Let's get a code on. Yeah. It's cold out there, young man.

I know you're a teenager and you want to impress your friends with your stick and fishnet outfit. At least bring a cape. Like fur beetle in outer space that could have scared. Well, even all of our

scientist friends take their hats off immediately once they get in this thing. I'm like, is there ever a place in Antarctica in the world? You can just take your hat off and walk around? I don't think so. I don't think so. Probably not. He's speaking to fucking terrible lines that

should have been doubled for people to say how many times do we have to hear the enemy of my enemy is my friend? She says that a couple of times. Multiple people do. The Italian guy says it before he gets iced. And then she says it again and you're just like, Jesus Christ, boy

do I get it. So she, the Italian guy bites it. Her and the predator make an uneasy alliance. So basically they get attacked by another Zeman. anymore. Maybe this is grid. Maybe it's not. No, it's not good because he gets killed at this point. And, like, she, like, kills him with a spear and, like,

the predator to, like, he's like, well, we're in this together now, sweetheart. And, like, he gives her a spear. And, like, he uses an alien head as a gauntlet or something. A shield. It's a shield. He shows her. He's like, hey, man, check it

out. Like, the acid from their blood doesn't burn their own skin. Skin. So I'm going to make a shield out of its head so we can do battle honorably and I won't get hit with acid. This is something a predator, to go back to what we were talking about a while ago, like this is something

the predator should have immediately known. Yeah. And it's been like, I got to, I already have one of these. Yes. Also, I went to Cabela's. I spent a lot of money. I have the, the, this flack jacket made of aliens. He's also, I mean, they've all already, you know, subscribed to Hulu's workout channel. They should

know how to fight these fucking things. I'm sorry. But the fact that they, two of early ones got housed yeah and this one is still struggling for the real fucking amateur hour it's real amateur hour here was my question so at one point during this movie right around now it's fine uh the the queen is freed yeah shackles now this was weird because it's all these xenomorphs like run up to her and start like what i thought was like puncturing her with their like little head tongue things and i was like oh they're fucking killing her yeah eating the the mother, yeah.

That's what I thought was happening. But then, like, it was just, they were breaking away the shackles. No, no, no, no. They were just like, they hit her, because she's so big, like a couple little punctures aren't going to hurt her

if they know where to do it. But let the acid eat away the metal shackles and all that stuff. Oh, man, to think I didn't understand something from Alien versus Predator. They do something very smart here, and I give, you know, Paul, William Sadler Anderson,

a lot of credit on this one. Uh-huh. When she is freed, she's freed with her. sack of babies there should be a tidal wave of vomit inducing

garbage and all sorts of that well no if she drops oh yeah yeah it goes but no the Fed was like a lady in your condition should not be doing this ma'am ma'am please have you ever seen the impossible there's a wave coming and you're not going to be

able to stop but no she drops now and she She's on two feet, ready to go. I do. But it rips off, though. I mean, it's disgusting. You don't see, I didn't see. No, there was a, she starts walking.

You see a little bit of a tear. Oh, okay. I almost threw right up. I will say, I do give this movie credit for, it's like 70-30 puppet to C.G. A lot of puppets in this movie, and I'm okay with it. Or maybe 60-40, but you know what I mean? It's a lot of puppets, which I really appreciate. Yeah, I like puppets.

I don't remember. Does that carry over to Requiem? I believe so It does carry over in the newest one they did Which was aliens versus predator versus labyrinths Which is good There's a lot of puppets in that Oh yeah yeah

The goblin king Yeah David Bowie comes out He gets together with the alien queen You gotta see it The predator with a power Dance Zenimov dance Put a little spell on you All these little fucking Muppets

Getting iced By fucking aliens Oh my God, that little troll guy that led Jennifer Connolly through the maze gets skinned alive and hung upside down. The predator's just like ripping the puppets out of the wall. It's an egg with a power, a Zinomov power.

And that goes on for a while. That joke could just go on for a bit. So basically, but the first funny thing is like we build up all this stuff and it's just down to her and the and the predator you're like oh here we go they're going to fuck them all up like one by one start murking these aliens yeah but he just uses the bomb and blows up a classic the classic predator self-destruct bomb what a fucking coward yeah they talk about honor you got this big ass bomb struck you yeah totally that's a cheat code if I ever saw one

predator that's the gauntlet they they they blow it up when they're gonna die but this dudes just like, I gotta get this off of me and throw it away. Yeah, exactly. This guy's taking the real coward's way, but the other predators died valiantly. Like that, like a normal, like your regular, smegular, honorable predator would be like,

all right, Sanale, I'm like, get out of here. I'm going to sit here. I'm going to bleep, blue, blop on my little wristband and blow this fucker up. Yeah. No, no, no. Take it off. Chuck it. Chuck it in the room full of the eggs. He's got to catch up to the queen, man. She's up to the way to.

to the surface. Oh, right, because that's the other thing is we can't let the xenomorphs get to the surface of the earth. That's a line we say a lot. There was supposed to be a cameo. If Arnold lost his runoff election for California, he was going to reprise his role as Dutch only if they filmed it in his house. Only if he lost the election, only if they filmed it in his house. They are predators in my house. Oh, no. Because we never follow up with Dutch. I'd love to know what Dutch is up. It's amazing that we never were able to work out bringing Dutch back to the screen. Seriously.

It's so stupid. Like, come on, it's Dutch. Now there are aliens in my kitchen. Wait a minute. You're not the pool boy. Oh, hello, Mr. Whalen. Yes, that sounds interesting. I won't be joining you on this adventure.

Click. Oh, hello, what? My wife. Oh, no, it's a predator. Yes, Mr. Whalen. And I highly recommend you check out what Mrs. Yutani is up to. Put those two

together. I'm a business matchmaker. When can you start? Oh, beautiful. Yeah, so, like, we're trying to get out of here. This is kind of my favorite part of the movie, which is Predator on an inverse bobsled.

Oh, yeah. Because they're just going up, they're shooting up this ice tunnel, and they're just on a bobsled. Are they holding each other sensually at this point? not so much. I think they're up on the edge. Okay. Yeah, they're both, they're like side by side. Because there's a mutual admiration and they're ready to fuck, sort of. I mean, look, I will say I would look a lot of more attracted to the opposite sex if I could wear a predator mask all the time.

You know what I mean? I often fantasize about just wearing that fucking mask nonstop. And the dreadlocks are like, oh man, it must be a really cool Jamaican guy. And it's like, oh, no, it's Steve Sadek. Ew. Oh, ew. But he still has the reptile skins. like that the bomb goes off the queen is presumed dead for about eight seconds and then she jumps back out and like it's just it just keeps fucking going um but we do get a uh a reprise of your one ugly she said uh so now like it says to the alien queen she's like you're one ugly mother and then she gets like stopped or something we don't know she can't actually say fuck her here so it's a pg 13 movie action happens um and the action happens but basically the uh the predator gets mortally wounded and the alien queen gets like a harpoon through her head and then she goes all the way down the only it's like the antarctica version of an airlock i guess is yeah is the bottom of the antarctic ocean yep so she kind of like sinks to the bottom but like i don't know she could probably get out i don't know well she's clearly able to be

frozen for an extended period of time so who we start shit now baby i don't even know if these things need oxygen who could know and who could give a shit well also that so yeah who wins an alien versus Predator. No one. Well, that's what happens. It's the alien's dad in a cape shows. The Predator always, like, let's everything happen. Then he's like, oh, well, you boys better have had a good time

on this little adventure you had. Exactly. It's like, wait, what have you been doing? I was out to dinner with your mother this whole time. Oh, you're done. Got yourself killed. I was going to shave before coming here, and I'm glad I didn't, because now I can tell you, you're not grown up enough to handle this.

Yeah, they all roll up, And they're like, oh, of course, that's pretty fast. If you're told. What happened to my boy Celtic? Is that Celtic in there? Is that my Celtic in there? Get to the chopper, which is also another predator. Isn't that weird?

Yeah, so he's dead. Oh, well, so then all these other predators, like, dad predator coming down, and they don't kill her because she's got, like, the family, crest like tattooed on her face the scar well the the uh the predator after she like helps out or whatever he takes off his mask and

she's like oh god that's disgusting I thought you're like hot under there she does a pretty good like not flawless because you can tell but a pretty good job of choking back vomit oh my gosh he takes some of the acid blood in one of his pointy little fingers and like rubs it on her face to burn a little to give

her also a scar yes and that she's part of the fam He lives on forever. That's got to be really disappointing for her because she's like, looking at this dude who's like really buff like he's in great shape

he's killing he's saving her and he's got a flipper dick for all she's like, oh man, she's like, I could make this work and takes that mask and I can't make this work.

I don't know, angry Georgio O'Keefe painting. I don't know. God. So they just like take this little predator buddy. Who knows what he writes on her face by the way?

It could be a really lewd joke in predator language. Also, how do you know it's not going to go? go deeper. Like, just a little thing. I'm like, oh, my eye.

He luckily used just enough xenomorph acid blood, I feel, is what happened. At some point, Scar, who's this predator, does get a face hugger. And it's a weird cut because it's like,

you forget about it. You kind of lose track of which predator's witch at that point. Well, you sure do. In the early part, before the two get. Oh, wait. Is it the left-handed one?

Oh, that was Celtic. Honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey. I think we got a left-handed predator. Get my tapes. And my books. And my toilets. Is it all those dominoes coupons or what? Bring me the dominoes in the bedpan.

It'll be a long night. But the last shot of the movie is on the ship. It's kind of like the end of Empire Strikes Back. You get this nice vista of this ruined planet, which is Earth. Two predators hold hands. Looking at the blackness. You met me at a really weird time in my life. Oh, no.

and all the xenomorph credit buildings explode. Predator Black, I guess, would be the little, I don't know. Bob. Bob and Rich Titch. But the last shot is a predator alien, which is I could have used about an hour and a half ago. Sure. The little guy bursts out of the predator's chest

and does a predator version of Abedib, that's all folks. Because it's just, it's like, you see, you see, this predator laid out and you're like I know what's coming man you know I know what's just fuck come on Paul WS Anderson just come on just do it come on so then we cut in closer and it pops out like

and it's so close and it's like hello that seems from space balls yeah you're totally yep and then it's just that's it that's the end of the movie well it's got like predator teeth things yeah yeah yeah I didn't even pick up on that because it's terribly done

yeah who cares I mean honestly you can put a fucking alien how did an alien not already put it in a predator at some point yeah put it in yeah and so that's yeah we cut to black and that's the end of this Paul W.S. Anderson masterpiece would anybody recommend it?

I would not it's really a close it's pretty close to a hangover movie I will say I do like the puppetry and it is super ignorable so I think it's it's a vague hangover movie recommend for me? Steve's wrong.

Sure. It's a real nothing movie. I give it that. There's nothing to this movie. There's nothing going. I mean, I was so bored. Like, I paused it at an hour and I was like, how do you have 44 minutes of this still? What are you doing?

And then I pieced it all together, remembering it from memory. Yeah. Did you see this in theaters? Did you see this in theaters? I did. I saw this in theaters. I did. I did. Did we see this together? Maybe. Do you guys take your family to it at the movie theater?

Do you take a day off? Come on, Cooter, Sawyer, Damien, Campet. Mr. Cisca? I don't think I saw this in the theater. I could be wrong. But, no, I wouldn't recommend it. I can see what Steve is getting at. I can understand it.

He's grasping at in the dark. I can understand it. I mean, if you're curious and hung over, other than that, no. yeah i don't know i mean i i see what steve saying i just i i really dislike this movie more so because i think uh avp requiem is a total recommend i still need to see that movie it's a total total total recommend and i that's like a solid hangover movie you're in and you're out people are getting fucking butchered left and right and you're seeing it all is it a stay tuned do you think uh it's possible that it's a stay tuned okay i don't know well we're doing this for alien

Covenant maybe the next time the next time there is that Predator movie come out actually Oh yeah, what's... Oh, that's right. He's directing and writing? Yes. I think it's going to be good. Is there going to be a Dutch in it? I think the Dutch in it is What's his name there?

Holbrook's son. Oh, Boyd Holbrook? Yeah, I think he's good. Well, see, that would be cool though, because that's how you get fucking Arnold back in the franchise, man. When can I start? Yeah. Didn't he turn it down? He turned it down. What does he turn it?

and down anything for. I only want to be associated with the skeleton monster, the terminators. I just feel like it's bad. It's like, he's just like, no predators, yes, terminators. Anything terminators, yes. We could do a commando too. I would love a commando too. Like an old, yeah, old John Matrix coming up.

Yes, dude. You know, yeah, like. Eliza Dishku's still around. She could reprise her role. Oh, no, wait. Who's the daughter in that one? That was true lies. Yeah, who's the daughter?

I don't remember the daughter. think. Yeah, I think you're right. Yeah, she's certainly right. Definitely. Yeah, totally. They need to do Commando, too. Well, so when is this predator, whatever, coming out?

And it's just a, we're just calling a predator. It's a reboot. I think it's the predator, maybe. The predator, I think. No, and I think it's fucking Fast and Furies with all this shit. Next summer. Yeah. I'm pretty sure.

We'll be there for it. That's Alien versus Predator, AVP, to you fans out there. If you want more, we hate movies, check out WHM Podcast.com or find us over at the HeadGum Network page. Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. We are at WHM Podcasts and of course right into the mailbag. We all hate movies at gmail.com. Right and review

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so more people can discover the show. So if you did that, it would be actually really great. And not just about your fucking ego, Chris. Patreon.com slash we hate movies. Subscribe for monthly bonus material there, of course. And then what do we got going on next week? Ninja 3, The Domination. Which is a total recommend, by the way.

Watch it before the episode. I can't state that enough. Watch Ninja 3, The Domination. Or just watch it and don't listen to our episode. Download it so we get the number. But, I mean, honestly, that movie is so damn good. Download it twice, actually. Download it three times.

Download, delete, download, delete, download again. Ooh, do some download delete, and I like this idea. Oh, boy. We're going to get in trouble with the podcast, police. You mean Apple? Touch. So until next week, when we venture into the world of canon films, I'm Andrew Jupin.

Versus Steven Seda. Versus Chris Cabin. Versus Eric Siska. Take it easy. That was a hate gum podcast.