We Hate Movies - S7 Ep302: Episode 302 - Ninja III: The Domination

Episode Date: May 23, 2017

On this week's episode, it's another entry in the already defunct Patreon Select series—it's Ninja III: The Domination! In one of the wildest films to come out of the Cannon Group, this movie features amazing elements like golf course massacres, exploding helicopters, ninja possessions, insane exorcisms, haunted arcade machines, terrible detectives, hot tub threeways, and more! PLUS: The absolute most disgusting sex scene the guys have encountered to date! Ninja III: The Domination stars Shô Kosugi, Lucinda Dickey, Jordan Bennett, David Chung, and James Hong; directed by Sam Firstenberg.Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Today's program, we've got ourselves another little Patreon requested episode here as I see it. It's Ninja 3, The Domination. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Say that. Eric Cisca. Chris Cabin. And we hate movies. What is so funny?

Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in, as always. If you are new to this program, if you are just discovering us because of some piece of media you read or somebody on Twitter told you to check it out. Just searching iTunes for Ninja. Which is core domination. Oh, yeah. Just too. I need another domination podcast.

I'm into that. Well, that's not what this is. This is a movie comedy podcast where one of us is being hung from the ceiling by his nipples while we record. Isn't that what happened in Wizard of Oz? Wasn't there something about in the background? And the guy was hanging by his life. No, a little person ended his life. You're thinking of the cell.

Oh, that's right. You are thinking of the cell. Vincent DeNonovio, no. But you're also thinking a little person supposedly ended his life in the background. That's fake. I'm just imagining some guy after a hurricane and basically it's just a chair

and a computer and he's just searching ninja you know what I mean 4 o'clock in the morning Why not? What else are you going to do post hurricane man? No, so this is a comedy show

where we take a bad movie and kind of pick it apart and you know sort of spread out from there so this week we are talking Ninja 3 colon the domination from 1984 directed by Sam Furstenberg Now this was requested on a

Patreon patron select episode. It's a tier that we have since and almost immediately discontinued. But Chris Cabin who was the lucky fellow who got this or lady, I don't know, who requested this one? This is from Brandon. Brandon, thank you very much for being so supportive

of We Hate Movies, Brandon. This is your episode, Brandon. Congratulations. I did it all for you, Brandon. And we, obviously, this is sent directly to Brandon's iPhone or Zoom or whatever the fuck. And if you are listening to it, you are not supposed to be listening to it is just for

Brandon. Yeah, internet contraband. That quote from Andrew doing it all for you. You are not the son of the devil. No, you are not Brandon. I'm sorry. But I am a nun who is about to hang herself. By the nipples? Yeah, you better believe it. But that is a smart habit

you got on right there. So around the horn, who has seen this movie before? I almost raised my hand, but this is a podcast. So yes, no, I have seen this before. I have not. Really? Oh, this is a, it's a canon picture. And if you're unfamiliar with Canon, watch the movie, what is it, Electric Buglew, the documentary that chronicles these insane film producers.

I was about to say we have to mention it was the documentary, because that's also a film, right? Did this guy direct? Did Sam Furstenberg direct Brayton to Electric Buglew? Or just breaking? Maybe. Maybe. Maybe possibly both. The woman from this movie is in the second Bracken, which is indeed Electric Buglewool.

this guy this guy's got quite a filmography though we should bring it up because there's a ton of beautiful little gems in there and by beautiful little gems you mean shitty movies

canon pictures put out over the random pictures honestly this is probably the best movie we've ever done this is up there with Citizen Kane this is a total recommend

so pause this and go watch this gentleman has done something called One More Chance from 1983 a revenge of the Ninja also in 1983 He was a busy man. Ninja 3 The Domination, which we're talking about, which is 1984.

Breaking 2, Electric Bugaloo. There we go. Also, 1984. American Ninja, 1985. Avenging Force, 1986. American Ninja 2, the confrontation, 87, Riverbend, 89, Delta Force 3, the killing game. 91, Cyborg cop, American Samurai, Cyborg Cop 2, Operation Delta Force. I mean, like, this goes on and on. And Quicksand.

Eric's favorite movie. Oh, that's a different one. but because he handles a lot of Dutnikov. Yes, that's the quicksand with Michael Dutnikov, not the Michael Cain and Michael Keaton movie that I've seen. Which is far more bizarre. Oh, I watched that movie. Yeah, yeah.

I like the idea that Dutikov is like, all right, I'll do your movie. But Sam Furstenberg has to direct. I only work with Sam Firstenberg. Have you seen this movie? I would tell him to direct anything. This guy is amazing. Like, this is, this is, if you had to say it,

like, if you were trying to explain to somewhere, like exemplify. canon films this is the movie to do it just be like just put this on and you will understand the fucking mentality the work ethic

the style the budgetary restraints that's a big one and also the Last American Virgin is also I think right up there with oh that's a great movie that one is ludicrous

these movies these guys were they were two like Israeli brothers or were they just businessmen go ann and Globus yeah I don't know if they were related you know they were cousins were they cousins I mean these dudes

kissing cousins No, but I guarantee you they got laid over the years. Identical, identical cousins on cocaine, because that's what's going on here. That is the secret, not-so-secret ingredient to these movies is piles of cocaine. So this movie, in short, is about a ninja who is murdered and his soul or consciousness or whatever you want to say, possesses an aerobics instructor slash telephone repair woman. And she starts fucking a cop who's trying to. trying to get to the bottom of something. I will say that was the one

thing I appreciated about this week. Usually you have ridiculous apartments. You're like, oh, how is this person paying for that? Right. Someone has two full-time jobs. That's exactly right. Of course she does. This is real as it gets. This is as real as it gets right here. But she also has a lot of downtime. It's kind of surprising. Well, I think she's more successful

in the aerobics business. Sure. And the telephone game is just a hobby. Oh, it's a passion project? You think it would be the other way or how? You think that. But also, as we see, the aerobics game is a life and death game, apparently. That's true. In this world.

So we start off with, you know, it's a sign of trouble when you see a limousine in the desert. Is Logan coming? I was like, oh, fuck, something's going down. There's limos in the desert. And then somehow it magically cuts to a golf course. There's people playing golf. Also, maybe the mafia and this lone ninja on a golf horse. There was a mention of once all these people are slaughtered that one of them was a scientist.

Oh, he's a very important scientist, as he's described. Now, the one thing I must say, this opens with probably, if this actually happened, it would be a top five American tragedy, right? Yeah, like in the top five. This is a Ninja 11. People would be wearing ribbons in the street for the rest of the movie. Well, this one man, this ninja, I mean, he slaughtered. like I guess this scientist a couple of like

B polo shirted douchebag businessmen and then like 25 police officers At least 25 police officers It's a fucking five star rampage It's almost too strange to be tragic Like if you were to be told fucking 20 people just died

Oh my God, buy samurai sword I mean it's amazing It's ridiculous You don't know this dude's motivation And spoiler alert, we never find out why he killed that scientist. Well, you just open, it's all quiet. He goes into some, like, where Jesus came out of that cave. Yeah, I think it was the same cave.

The Lazarus Cave, or whatever they call it. And he's got a hollow rock set up with, like, I guess it's magic, but it looks like shitty carpentry. This extra light coming out of the rock. Well, see, that was the problem with Jesus. You know, he was the son of a carpenter, but he could never live up to dad's standards. And he was building sets for canon. He came back already. You missed him, but he was building sets for canon.

So, yeah, he goes into this cave and it's like, yeah, there's like a false wall. And it's like there's a magic sword in there. Or maybe it's just a sword. I don't know. Oh, it's magic. It's floating and shit later. Oh, right. And like, we're watching cutaway scenes from L.A. law.

Like, all this, like, putt-putting and, like... These guys don't know what's coming. Why is this magic ancient Japanese sword in a cave in California? Great question. Why is this, that's the thing, like a ninja in California? That's a children's book, first of all.

But why is this ninja trolling California golf courses? There should be like a flashback of like, you know, I don't know, in the Gold Rush era, a samurai, sort of like, like, what was that? Oh my God, what is that movie? The Gold Rush with Charles Chaplin? No, with Charles Bronson. Red Dawn? Break Heart Pass?

No, not Breakart Pass. It's definitely not Red Dawn. Yeah, first of all, it wasn't Charles Bronson. Tashira Mahfuni in a Western, have you guys never seen this? Oh, I know what you're talking about and I forget the name.

I don't know. It's read something. I do remember this. Red heat? No, that's James Belushi and Arnold Schwarzen. So he gets all gussied up. He goes out and he starts killing these guys and he's got, this guy's got a team of security guards, one of which, by

the way, when he tassels with this ninja looks exactly like what's his face from happy Gilmore that's Mr. Gilmore's jacket oh Jaws Richard Keel he looks a lot like Richard Keel and he gets cut up pretty good speaking of looking like people the guy who I am guessing

is the scientist I don't really know I think he's the one who's wearing the polo shirt and doing the golfing with the babe the sweater around the back yeah doesn't he look like Jefferson from married with children oh Jefferson Darcy yeah a little bit so I finally

I found what I was talking about it's red and sun like in the sky, a 1971 western starring Charles Bronson and Tshiramafuni and it was a pretty good movie. I never saw it. That sounds cool. I like both of those actors. In 1980s,

excuse me, in 1870, a gang robs a train and steals a ceremonial Japanese sword meant as a gift from Japan to the U.S. president prompting a manhunt to retrieve it. Maybe they never found it. Maybe it was put inside of a hollow rock at the end of that movie. Oh, shit. Is this a

sequel? I hope so. But I would say if you were to add in that this sword has to get to Reagan in domination, I would be a much bigger booster of this. Johnny, I was supposed to get his sword this week. John Hinckley's a sword for Reagan. It's a short story. No, I mean, if John, you know, God bless him, he, he, no, I don't know. Not God bless him. But if Reagan was a who Hankley? No. We're all God's children, Steve. If Reagan was assassinated by a ninja. It would be the coolest presidential assassination of all time. Yeah, yeah, top number one. A. No.

A. No. I mean, you ran out of somewhere and fucking gutted that dude. Holy shit. Booth stock dropping. Just dropping down. Yeah, exactly. Booth is your guy right now. He's your A-lister, yeah, sure. Booth had a catchphrase. I mean, Jesus Christ.

And it was in a theater. It was really, it was just fantastic. And that's like totally. The problem is nobody really believes it was Oswald, so you can't give him that credit. No. You don't want to be presumptuous about that. No. So, yeah, if a ninja killed Reagan.

Yeah, a magic sword kills Reagan when a magic bullet killed Kennedy. I like that. Kevin Costner, fucking using a fake, a wooden ninja sword on Newman in the middle of a courtroom. It hit here, it hit here. Cut and to the left. Oh, I'd love it. But this ninja starts cutting up, like, I mean, like, through, like, butter.

And I've seen some ninja attacks in my life, you know, like, IRL. Whoa, whoa, in the Bronx? Where? A ninja in the Bronx also at Children's Movement. Yes, they, uh, in Loretta Park and, uh, right off of Maris Park, uh, there's a basketball game got broken up by a ninja, as they're known to do up there. Oh, shit, bro. I saw a fucking ninja at Orchard Beach.

He was using his sword to pick all these condoms up off the sand. Oh, man. Do not go to Orchard Beach. Oh, yeah. Please worry about Orchard Beach. Go to City Island, though. Get the fried seafood. My God.

Oh, with a lobster box? Oh, yeah. Well, this is the greatest thing about City, City Island. Which lobster box are we talking about? The island is about a quarter mile long, and there's two lobster boxes, and I believe they're across the street from each other. The pronunciation is lobster box. We go up. Yeah, yeah.

The first ten minutes of this movie. is this ninja assault, and it's amazing. This ninja brings down a helicopter with his bare hands. This is the helicopter's fault. The helicopter's got a good angle on this ninja. Like, I've got to get closer. Like, that's the advantage of a helicopter. Yeah.

But, like, you've always wanted to see just a ninja kill indiscriminately in a golf course. Yeah. Like, just killing golfers. He grabs this fucking golf cart and he holds it, and this dude's just, like, telling his lady, like, run, run. Well, she gets slaughtered. She does run, and then she gets cut. cut down and then he gets cut down.

It's a beautiful sight. And you're right, this police helicopter comes and holy Toledo. My favorite line in the whole movie is when the ninja attack first happens, one of the security guards grabs a walkie talk. He's like, Rachel, it's Dan. Get the cops. We never see Rachel. I never see Dan again.

He presumably dies. And also order me a cop salad. I'm going to be hungry when I get back from this thing. Got to go kill this ninja. I'll meet you at the 19th hole. How do you... Get me an Arnold Palmer. This is like Grand Theft Donor

because this ninja starts killing people and the stars increase. Oh, absolutely. You know, now they're feet cops. Oh, car cops. Oh, no. Helicopter cops. There should have been horse cops.

Horse cops would have really done it. Horse tanks. Speaking of Tashir Mufune, dude, fucking taking out horses with the swords. Look out ninjas. Look out ninjas. I do appreciate that the out... Here's my question.

Is he... Because, you know, we all identify ninjas as colors. That's how we're taught ninjas in first grade. Steve, I don't see ninja color. You mean you mean like the ninja racist. Yeah, I mean I

personally I look more at the belt. White belt, black belt. That's how you count ninjas. In grade school, you have three black ninjas, one red ninja. But is he a green ninja or is it just for this specific job? He's on a golf course. It makes sense to be wearing green.

It's like camouflage. Yeah, I mean, because you don't want a black ninja on a golf. Of course, it was an idiot. I just thought his uniform was dirty. Okay. It was a white ninja that was rolling around in the sand trap. I also somehow think that a pure black suit would be somehow more expensive and canon wasn't playing that game. Oh, I see what's going on here.

Absolutely right. Those dyes were too expensive. I got all these off-brand ninja costumes. They're all in olive. Olive, they all. It is an olive ninja costume. And guaranteed olive anything is the cheapest of whatever that thing is. How much is bright green?

Oh, you want an olive rifle? Yeah, it's $100 less. Olive. I like olive. You ever see like an olive car? You're like, what the fuck is that person's problem? I think it's pretty cool. You can hide in the trees.

So, yeah, he does take down a helicopter, which is he gets inside there. There's all these handles on the bottom of the helicopter. Why would you have these? Somebody's in on it because it. lowers itself into a tree and it's like come on ninja get in i thought that's the thing i hadn't remembered this movie i maybe watched it like two years ago or something like that with plenty of glasses a water floating around there's no other way to watch i watched this movie on a tuesday and i'm like well this is a mistake oh yeah dude my house was dry i was having a hard time yeah i was i was

i was i was i was i was you know like this ninja's underwater at one point using his his blow gun as like a breathing tube that was me watching this last night several pictures of water from the first time I didn't remember like the start of the movie really and I was like oh fuck this ninja booked like a helicopter escape that's pretty cool but then he starts listen the the throwing

star shots in this movie are awesome because it's a lot of just like the actor playing the ninja throws it and then it's like cut and it's the actor who's hit with it like just holding his face and holding onto the prop star you know with like the tiniest fake blood

I will say from the studio that brought me Texas chain so I'm Asker 2 I kind of want a little bit more gore Yeah you're not wrong there A bunch of people on the fucking green Like there's a head can go off There's only so much ketchup that can go around

The Tribune had said that there was a shot I think later in the movie where somebody's head rolls downstairs or something like that That got cut because they were fighting an X rating So that might have been going on We were a little afraid of ninjas back in the air I don't know bar I don't like these ninjas It was the whole terror with the Japanese

Do because this was the same time this country and our entertainment industry was terrified of sushi. Mommy, I've gotten three assassination attempts this week by ninjas. We need to edit these movies. Mommy, I almost got assassinated by that spicy

tuna roll. Tell the White House cook no more raw fish. I guarantee you Reagan has never eaten sushi in his life. Oh, yeah. Just send it to Bush. I like it. That's a perfect excuse for a white ninja is a white ninja and the

White House. That's a movie. That's a copyrighted way hit movies. Wait, no, that wasn't that one of those G.I. Joe movies? Yeah. Wasn't that a clash song? Wait a second. So, White Ninja in the White House. Oh, no, that was White Ninja in Hammerston Plains. Yes, of course. Thank you. Wait a second, though. So you guys are, I think you guys are talking about something that I don't quite understand. Do colors of ninja uniforms designate Ninja ranks? I don't know. I'm not sure. Somebody who's better with Ninjas would have to tell me. I don't, I think it's all fucking bullshit. Finally, a chance to compose a tweet to We Hate Movies at a WHM podcast.

Actually, the color of ninja uniforms is as follows. You actually do tweet that because I want to know. I have no idea. I just assume it's bullshit because I feel like a ninja is, you know, they're doing their own thing and they'll wear black or olive depending on the situation. The art of an invisibility, Eric. Yeah, and I'm sure there are bad ninjas out there. Well, not anymore. I think ninja's like a dead thing.

Oh, that's a fucking shame, man. There's no more ninjas, unless you're watching dirt out. First, ninjas and then the coal miners. Well, no, no, no, because it's just a labeling different. Now it's like martial arts expert and like, or martial artist. But being a martial artist doesn't. But being a martial artist doesn't also then make you a ninja. That's true.

I mean, you can know. Well, I guess so nobody's taking the ninja path anymore. That's a real fucking shame. It's like ninjitsu and then you've got to use your powers to like, it's unsavory. You have to, you have to assassinate people. It's like a, you don't want to. I don't think any of these things want you killing people. No, they want, no.

I think ninjas is specifically for that. And that's why the samurai hated them so much. Like, oh, you ninjas, get out of here. Oh, you don't ninjas? Oh, the ninjas just showed up to this sock hops. Let's get them, samurai. that kind of happens in that what was that

American Shaolin is that the movie we did Remember they go to that dance Oh you ninjas and stay out of Okasaka So the great thing about this helicopter Is it goes over a hill and explodes Because you know what? Helicopters are awfully expensive Oh yeah

It just gently goes over this hill And then someone let off some dynamite But it's so cool that like He kills both of these people in the helicopter and they fall into this lake. Oh, yeah, that's pretty great. And then the helicopter just drifts away, man. And those are not dummies because, indeed, this helicopter's only about 10 feet off the water.

So you're just throwing people into it. But to give this movie credit and the whole philosophy of this ridiculous company, it's a real fucking helicopter. Sure. That's real dynamite we have going off. And we are really throwing people into a lake. I mean, that's why Canon has their reputation. They are the creme de la creme of trash. See, that's the thing is, they were doing all these movies from.

like video and whatnot and nowadays we just have all these shitty fucking CG effects for these type of movies because we're straight to streaming man I hate it man get back to get you know what it's time to spend a little time in the woods and find yourselves bad

movies yeah just rent a helicopter please God's practical effects I know it's cheaper to do and easier to do CG blood and whatnot but we can tell man we could tell yeah your movie looks like shit. It's ruining the fun.

Yes. It is. It totally is. So basically this ninja runs a foul of every other police officer. They're all in a circle and start to just lighten this dude up. Dude, it is the end of Bonnie and Clyde for this ninja. They are shooting the fuck out of this guy. Now here's my question because

he does crush a golf ball. Is he supernatural from the jump or not? I think so. Okay. I think he's like a he must be. He's like a super ninja. Maybe he's like a ninja that's been alive since, you know, feudal Japan. Oh, I mean, John Belushi, I mean,

John Belushi ate a golf ball. You're talking about his, uh, his classic SNL bit that, that doesn't, that doesn't, that doesn't, golf ball. Oh, but he also played a samurai in us. Oh, yeah. So, yeah, of course he is. In a bunch of sketches that don't hold up. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, a lot of that doesn't hold up, Eric. Oh, really? Oh, wait, you don't like the bumblebees going to camp? No, I don't. Okay.

Yeah, the thing that wouldn't leave is pretty funny still. Yeah, that is pretty funny. It's got its moments. So is this like a basic, a fallen situation? Like every single time. Yeah, he goes to a cat once in a while. Yes. And here's the thing.

That would be great. Yes. Some sort of supernatural ninja thing would be awesome. John Goodman is a ninja singing time is on my side. Oh, beautiful. But the thing about it is this movie is incompetently written and nobody knows anything about this ninja. Nobody knows a goddamn thing about him. But that would make sense that he was trading bodies

because later he does, when he gets finally stricken down by, after he kills like a thousand police officers, he finally like dies and transfers his soul into a woman. Am I right? Yeah, I mean, so let's get into it. They blow him away and he uses a smoke bomb and they think like he disappeared, but somehow he just shot under all this sand really fast.

He dug a hole awfully quick. You start spinning. You start spinning around in a circle and you're like, oh my God, what the fuck is this? It's been like 15 minutes and there's been nothing but. No dialogue. Aside from Rachel, get the cops. It's me, Dan. It's like there will be blood.

The first 15 minutes, they're like silence. I think now is the perfect time for me to show you guys my Rachel get the cops. It's me, Dan, tattoo on my leg. Rachel get the cops. It's me, Dan. Who are you, Dan? Daniel Plainview. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, so he goes into a field and we are, our heroine, what's her name in this movie? Christy. Christy is a, she's doing her day job, which is phone repair. But this is what's amazing and kind of confusing because Christy is wearing an olive telephone repair person outfit. And I thought it was the ninja in a disguise. Oh, maybe it's foreshadowing. Oh, she will be olive soon. Yeah, she becomes the ninja in this movie.

somehow. It's like the power rangers. They walk around in the color that they eventually will become. Yeah, you're totally right. So she will be the olive ranger at some point. At some point, the most boring of all the rangers. The one who reads all the reports. And I actually thought that this guy so there would be a green ranger and an olive ranger who's just hanging out with alpha five the whole time. Aye, aye, aye, aye, you didn't file this report correctly. Look at all this paperwork. Well, yeah, yeah, Alpha. I mean, the HR isn't going to run itself.

I mean, there's a lot of, we got a lot of personnel. Billy, yeah, Trini says you did sexually harass her on that last mission. So we're going to have to have a conference. Yeah, we're going to have to call in the beige Ranger to go over this with you. No, he's accounting, you think? So, Zordon, would I talk to you about getting some better coffee in the break room? No, I don't drink caffeine. Ask the Puse Ranger.

Oh, he's, he's commissary. clearly yeah oh yeah absolutely it's morphin time let's I don't know what would the dinosaurs be is the question I mean the lesser of the dinosaurs like a fucking stegosaurus or like one of those like

things between a fish and a beaver like a platypus that's not even a robot I don't know I mean someone you mistake in between the good animal If you, you can tweet, we'll allow a tweet explaining what the hell Chris is talking about. If you have a picture of something that's between a fish and a beaver. Well, let's see, one of the other boring dinosaurs in the Jurassic Park franchise, so like the galley my miss.

Oh, sure. What are them there little things that attack that girl in the second one? Oh, that would be an olive, that'd be a good of an olive ranger. Yeah, they look like the gecko gecko. Olive, the other ranger. That's a shitty Christmas book. It is. No, so I thought this was a sexual assault.

I thought it was like a one for the road because he's like dying and he starts like grab it at this woman and I'm like, dude, what are we talking about here? You know what? Not all grabbing is sexual in nature. Sometimes it could be I'm trying to possess you. I didn't know what this movie was about and I was like, what is going on? No, life is not all about boners, Steve. Sometimes you just want to transfer your soul into a lady.

Sometimes you're just trying to spook. Hi, thanks for coming in. Jason. It says you were trying to put your soul into Kimberly. That doesn't make a whole lot of sense here. You screamed, what's the point of living if you don't have a dick? No, that was actually, I was trying to transfer my soul and possess your body. I was not trying to do anything sexual. I just had to grab those orifices in order to transmit my essence. I know that sounds bad. All right, Jason, we'll have to fire you. Here's $25 million. Siri, call attorney. Call attorney.

so yeah so she she spies this fellow from up on the telephone pole and she's like oh you know do you need help or whatever and he starts lunging at her i'm not helping a ninja if i see a ninja drop down i'm like yep that's your problem is that like a racial thing or something no i don't i don't know they always have an extra sigh you don't know about eric you don't know masked men in general like i just don't think it's like oh oh i see okay so if a firefighter's falling over coming outside of a house because he had this mask on and he falls over He'd say, oh, it's on him. He would die in the street. If the firefighters dressed up like a fucking ninja, then yeah, that dude's going to die. Well, think about, you know, firefighters look scarier than ninjas in my book. They got these giant tanks on. They got these weird Darth Vader breathing masks and they've axes. Yeah, but they're going into burning things.

So you don't see them for too long. How convenient they just happen to be there. So he grabs her and says some spell and you can't hear it, by the way, because the ADR and the sound mix in this movie is awful. She's kind of like the Green Lantern in this situation, right? Yeah, that's true. Yes, that's a good point. She's a bit of that.

She's the Oliver Lantern. Oh, man. What's that person's name, Steve? What's like, what's the name of the Green Lantern, like, Homeworld? Oa. So Oa is like administrative assistant. Well, you've got Newort. He's a dog.

Nort? Nort. What about the fish person? Oh, that's Tomar Ray. He's kind of badass. Oh, we don't know what you're reading there. He's more of a fighter, I feel. Not the dog. We cut to a police station because this opening sequence finally ends.

And Christy is being interviewed by this detective. The detective, this guy, this police. Seekore is... Seacore, is that how you say it? Because that's the fucking weird... Scientology. It's something like that. Wait, weird Scientology?

The Scientology, like, S-E-C-O-R-T. Yeah, he says his name is Billy Seekore. They have a naval division? They do. It's not like naval, but it's like the C-C-C-C-C-C-R, man. Like, that's a thing. Like, when you're, like, high up in Scientology

and you're part of, like, the C-C-Core. So if I, like, enlist, I could be, like, see the world, maybe? I think you might be able to see the world. I might sign up. Dude, here's the thing. See the world two weekends a year. Oh. That's all it takes.

Nice. Is it C-Corp? Yes. A C-C-C-C-C-C-R. Yeah, I know what I'm talking about, but how does this guy spell his name? Yeah, C-C-O-R. Oh, I see. There's a T-O-I-C-A-T.

Oh, is there really? I think there's a hard T-E-A-T-E-A-T-C-C-C-C-Cort. A-Billy, what's his name? Billy, I think. Oh, I see. So this guy's like, if Robert Davy said no to a movie ever. I guess he's a little more handsome than Robert. Oh, yeah.

I don't know. He's handsome until he takes that shirt off. Then it looks like the fucking Wolverine. I was going to say. They end up kind of starting the League of Extraordinary gentlemen. Like her as the ghost and him as the wolfman. Yeah, it's a definite wolfman situation. Seacord, by the way, with a D.

Seacord. Oh, C-Cord. Oh, that's a completely different thing. This could use like an Allen Quarterman, you know, somewhat like a straight man. That's what this is really missing. Yes. Oh, I thought that was the guy who was playing billiards in his underwear at one point.

Oh, that cop that gets fucking murdered. You know what's funny, I'm watching this old. old-timer hitting around the pool balls in his undies and I'm like that's probably pretty relaxing yeah of course you're going to bed you're like you're right before bed you had a cup you had like a sip of whiskey and you're just like ah let me just uh let me sink the eight ball yeah dude just knock around a couple balls in your undies seems fucking chill to do that in your underwear and you're smoking a bunch of cigarettes for sure oh yeah oh that dude's at least up to two packs a day and he's living just fine one rack one pack that's exactly right dude and his

Marlboro Miles, he's two packs away from getting a cool jacket. And he's definitely tapping on that rug. Oh, you better believe it, Chris Kavan. Oh, tapping on the rug. What is that? Is pubs? No, ashen. You got ash on that rug because, you know what? The wife's going to vacuum

it up in the morning. That's this guy's life. Ash on your pubs, man. Just do it. Oh, God. Any day of the week. So this guy starts hitting on her in a police station. Almost immediate. The officer of soda, the best thing she says is, sorry, man, I don't do. soft drinks.

Which I took to mean like she's a fucking ripping alcoholic. Really? I thought she was healthy. No, she's supposed to be a health nut because remember, as her main career move, she is indeed an aerobics instructor. If that's not being delivered by Captain Morgan, shove off. She likes rum.

Yeah, dude, hard booze or bust. Well, my favorite thing is that, so the lieutenant is interviewing her about this. And it's this fucking, like, officer on the street comes up to the lieutenant. He's like, hey, lieutenant, why don't you buzz off about that bullshit investigation and just let me hit on this woman? By the way, yeah, like, a hundred cops just died today. No, no, no, we're going to keep this woman here until we figured something out. And why is it, like, that's the thing.

Like, this is a fucking police officer massacre. Uh-huh. Why on earth do you just have sea cord on the case? It's awfully quiet in that office. That's absolutely right. There's no screaming. There's no alarms Would be freaking the fuck out

Like the goddamn governor would be involved People are kicking back They're not on the phone saying We have an emergency Listen this shit happens The president has to give a speech on TV Oh absolutely Well I'm sorry to report that a ninja

Went bat shit crazy today In a golf course The flag looks a little funny Oh no it's a red white and blue ninja And his head gets cut off He survived 120 shot 120 shots but 300 did it

oh no a ninja's given me dementia a ninja told me AIDS doesn't exist oh my so she we cut to her awesome apartment

she's got a great video game called Bouncer which I really wanted to play I think it's fake though I read that it was real is it real but it like wasn't like they failed horribly yes they couldn't get like distribution on it or something that's a god damn tragedy they weren't able to make more of them that stinks wait so does this

movie feature like the sole bouncer console it might be yeah and it holds a soul ninja oh we'll get to that in a little bit do you think globus has it it's just in one of his garages one of them is dead i really yeah i think actually globus is dead I think Globus is the one who's dead Yeah one of them has passed away since that documentary came out I think he died like before it came out So yeah I mean she's just like you know we get to your apartment She's like doing uh she's dressed for aerobics playing a video game

This guy calls her again like this guy this seacord I think he should be off the force I'll be completely honest Oh well he's uh what you'd call quite unprofessional So cut to her aerobics class We're in kind of a killer workout situation It's kind of weird Because we're all on carpet Which is disgusting orange carpet

That's what made me think a killer workout The drapes I thought we were like Do they match the carpet, Chris? It looked like they're doing aerobics And a JCPenney It did No, it's disgusting

My way Laura Perkins That was the style at the time Unfortunately everything you did Involved carpet Hey Ma Clean out all the tables in the dining room. We got to have

a movie shoot in here. It's got to look like an aerobic studio. And then the heavy weight lifting is going to be right next to it. Usually there's a door between the heavy weight lifting and the aerobics. Well, not when it's a fucking living room from the executive producer. And apparently

all the guys who were waking up put the mask on that day and they're howling at these women. Jesus. This, I mean, so like, she teaches this class. The fucking cop is in the class, which is terrifying. And it's supposed to be kind of a meat cute. She's like, oh, what are you doing here?

You followed me. That's adorable. It's like, no, this dude like looked up your information on a police computer for school. Exactly. That's not adorable at all. You looked at the address of my workplace? And she very adamantly, at this first interrogation or interview or what have you,

she's very like, listen, I do not date cops. That's the end of it. He's like, all right, cut to me at your job. Like, guess what? You're dating a cop if you want it or not. That's the challenge. It's coming.

Yeah, I have a gun and we're going on a date. But so then she goes out to the parking lot and all of a sudden she's in like Robocop Detroit because like all these hoodlums come out of nowhere. Who are these people? They were working out. Who are these people? First of all, they're sexually assaulting another woman in the parking lot. And she breaks it up.

I thought this woman was her roommate. because she's at the apartment with her, but then she's never seen again in that domicile. Yeah, and I don't know what's going on there. But she breaks, she says, hey, you knuckleheads, leave that woman alone. They're like raping her in broad daylight in the middle of, and everyone else is coming out of this gym.

Like, there's like, everybody's watching. There's 12 guys that just are standing around while this other woman is like, hey, leave that woman alone. And they start to fight her and try and rape her. And these guys are just like, hey, man, that's not cool. It's like all these dudes stand in her. around there waiting for fucking George McFly

to show up. I mean, this movie's really saying something. It is. And then she starts using magic karate. Thankfully, she was possessed by the soul

of a ninja this morning. Oh, she'd be dead. She'd be dead on the street. Which, also, so this is what's weird, though, is like,

this is kind of like, it's, I mean, I get like pseudo-heroics because, like, she saves her friend, she defends herself and whatnot.

But what the mixed message is here, and you don't get it, is that the ninja that possessed her is the bad guy of the movie which does not come across because you don't know why he was trying to murder the scientist

so I was like wait a second was that scientist like on the verge of curing cancer but man don't they slam it over your head that what is going to happen is she's going to kill all the cops that killed him because there are 500,000

cutaways to slow motion like because every time When she first sees the cop, that's the love interest, she gets a flashback to the cop killing her ninja's soul. Her Ninja Soul. Original title of this movie, Ninja 3, Her Ninja Soul. It's a better title, maybe.

But the weird thing is, so she defeats all these dudes. And the other guy, the Seekord, snatches her up. And he's like, hey, man, you're under arrest for assault. And she's like, I'm under arrest for assault. And get in my car. And then he starts, like, putting the moves on her. This is a false arrest. This is going way too far.

Also, he's a cop, and he didn't intervene at all. He's trying to get laid here, and he didn't even repeat. You know what, Chris Cabin? Boners first. So he's just, he's driving her around, and she's just like, oh, man, I hate cops. And he stops, and he gets all the ding to say, oh, you hate cops. I'm sick of this shit. Get out of my car.

And I'm like, you false, you just did a false arrest. Yeah, if you want to know why she's got beef with people and your profession. It's this kind of shit. Oh, and doesn't he put the exclamation? Misindependent. Oh, yeah. That's what we're doing. That's. Mother God, in heaven. So then

it's a, it's a stupendous turn. She's like, oh, man, this dude got mad and I fucking ruined my underpants about how cool it is. Oh, man. Come to my apartment. This guy just threw a tantrum at me.

Oh, I'm so fucking excited. This is what women like it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's borderline violent persistence uh childish tantrums and abusive power oh abusive power of course it goes without saying that means you're an alpha all these things mean you're an alpha male you know you just it means you're not a cuck right yeah exactly you got to stomp your feet and cry about shit i was not like you're gonna stomp your nuts no man someone should stump this guy's nuts into fucking outer space so with all that

she's horned up as anyone has ever been in the history of humanity and she's like why don't you come back to my apartment I think it's the ninja that's horny

oh this ninja's ready for some dick yeah he's never you know maybe he hasn't possessed a lady

and he wants to try it you can't blame or he could be a gay ninja that's for sure why not oh man yeah big gay ninja I think that was a different

canon movie you know what maybe that maybe that scientist was working on the cure homosexuality. And this fucking ninja's like, that's bullshit. I'm going to cut this

pseudoscientist head off. And I'll take down the whole police department. I don't give a fuck. Gay rights, motherfucker. I hate conversion therapy. Oh, man. Todd Haynes' Ninja 3. Yeah, I like where this movie is going. So it's like, okay, we cut to Indiana

and there's a secret government lab run by the villainous Mike Pence. He's like, we're going to kill gay people. A young V-Roy. Mike Pence. Yeah, exactly. But oh, what's this? Ninjas descend upon this secret anti-gay base. That's what happens. Do they get they get under siege by big gay ninjas and then Mike Pence gets fucking gay conversion therapy electrocuted to death. I would love that. Wait, no, I wouldn't legally speaking. But then we just said it was a crime by the way.

Yeah, no, we're talking about a film, which is art. So it's different than saying we want a crime. A completely fake movie that doesn't exist. All these ninjas that descend upon this base should be all the colors of the rainbow. Yes. Just red ninja, pink ninja, orange ninja. Purple Ninja. Yes. Absolutely.

It would look really cool. Somebody make that movie. Why not? Big Gay Ninja. So these two people start having sex. It is. And we've talked about some disgusting sex scenes and the history of this show. A number one.

This is actually kind of nice. No, it's number. It's a little Interesting Well here's the thing George Costanza was more sensual I mean this is like They're like making out and whatnot

She gets out of the shower Sure And you're like oh fuck Here it comes Like she's gonna drop this towel And she doesn't go that route And I was like okay cool And like she puts a shirt on

And I was like all right We're taking a little slow here That's okay A little slow And then so we start making out Right And they just not gonna fuck On the first day

Well they get down on the bed You know we're making out and I was like all right cool and then you see this lady like reach for something you're like uh-oh what are we doing are we going to toy town like what's happening and instead ride the rubber railway man oh chris cabin it's filthy welcome back to serial's new podcast toy town and that's when the soul of a ninja brought out the dildo no so then you're like all right, what's coming back? And I'm waiting for it.

I was like, here comes a dildo. And it's like, nope, the exact. I mean, it's not the exact opposite. It's the farthest thing from my mind. It's the farthest thing from my mind, which is a fucking can of V8 juice that she dumps all over her chest. That's on your SATs.

What's the antonym, what's the antonym of dildo? It is V8. She dumps tomato juice all over her boobs and then like pulls this dude down. And I mean, like, here's the thing. Here you are. This is not like farmers fuck. Here you are.

You're a fucking fuck. You're a five masquerading as a seven. And by that, I mean, you're a dude whose back is hairier than fucking Marv Alberts. But you have to, but like in a shirt, you look pretty okay. Oh, sure. So you land this perfect 10. And, you know, you're, you're going to town. And then she pours V8 all over herself.

And she's like, this is what I'm in. too, and you're like, oh, man. Let me go out for a bottle of vodka. I'll be right back. I mean, I'll finish this one, but after that. I mean, yeah, we're just... But this was, I mean, the biggest bummer of this whole thing was, like, she, like, she kind of does a weird, like, Zenia on a top move and, like, pulls this dude

down with her legs, and I was like, cool, here we go. Like, let's see what happens. Cut to, like, post-coitus napping. Well, it rides this weird fucking, like, health craze thing that she keeps on, like, she keeps on an aerobics instructor. And she goes on these, like, small tirades, like, coffee's bad for you. I don't like coffee. They're trying to make her a character. I guess so.

I don't know if it's successful. It was not. I hate coffee. Here, suck tomato juice off my breasts. If you have sex with a woman that's possessed. If you have sex with a woman possessed by a ninja, is that a threesome? um yes count it yeah yeah yeah count it hey ma count it

but that's do you think do you think the ninja wanted that's dude you took the question right out of my mouth is this the ninja's preff or is it christie's that's the real thing yes because back in his day he just he just bathed in it oh my god this would be a great twist at the end of the movie is like you know that this cops try to figure out what's going on all his friends are dying and he's like he gets a from some ladies like yeah i'm looking into christie's past like christie he's like yeah i'm christie's

boyfriend's like christie's a lesbian and it's like do da dun i've been having sex with a big gay ninja the whole time that would be awesome that'd be a great twist so many things they didn't think of while writing the screenplayed ninja three the domination they thought of a lot of things though i will say that and it's just it's the most every every step of this movie is such a bizarre choice yeah yeah is what makes it an amazing movie because you don't see you anything coming. I didn't see V8 juice coming. That's for damn sure. I never saw this movie before last night. Usually I write like 10 pages and notes because I've seen the movie a bunch and I'm just kind of like, oh, that's an interesting observation. My jaw was wide open. I couldn't write

anything down. I'm like, what's happening? Oh, sure. So she, in the post cordial glow, she gets up and her sword comes to life and kind of just dances around. It just kind of like floats out of this closet and it's cheap. It looks terrible. We should have found a better way to Marv, the wire is supposed to be taught. It's supposed to be bouncing. Marv, get that wire out of there. Oh, this looks fucking terrible. What's that?

We have to keep it because we have no money. Okay, fine, fuck it. It's a canon movie. It's fine. It's fine. But it's awesome. It's just this closet with like folding doors that open and there's like a smoke machine and one lamp that's flickering back and forth and this little sword floats out. And she's holding it and this whole thing's happening.

And then this dude wakes up and he's like, Christy? Christy, what's going, is that a floating sword making this dude the worst police detective of all time? Because it's like, oh, what's that? All your fucking fallen brethren were slaughtered with ninja stars and sword maneuvers? 28 hours ago. Why is there like no investigation like into the ninja? Like trying to track down where this guy came from. But that's why it needs to be like, this dude needs to start thinking like there was no ninja because it's like we found Christy.

out in the middle of the fucking desert. She claims she was working for the telephone company. There's all these sword wounds. Now Christy has a sword. We do find the body of the ninja. Yes. There's in the more. Oh, oh, right. Right. Because what's his face? What's the other guy's name? Templeton? No.

Who are you talking about? The guy who plays the good ninja. Oh, Shokushugia. Show Kishugi shows up, who's been in all of these movies apparently. And pray for death, previous episode. Great. Another fucking totally great movie, by the way. um he shows up and like he's met by some very mysterious guys and they're like who we never see again no and they're like uh things are afoot and i think he was coming back because he's been tracking this other the olive ninja right there was a flashback where he was i guess with the olive ninja camp and he's got this eye patch on because the olive ninja threw a star a star into his face which is awesome god that's a that's a big fuck you that's how a ninja gives him gives the finger.

Yeah. And then he, there was like, when it happened, there was like, that's what I'm going to Sammy Davis Jr., right?

Oh, yeah. I heard that. And Peter Falk too. There's a lot of, oh, no, I got a ninja star right in the eye. The Rat Pack era

Hollywood, there was a rogue ninja as well. Oh, that makes sense. It got caught right in my paper. Yeah, Toshiro, Toshiro got a little drunk one night and got me right now.

Look, the Yakuja was after Sinatra. They got, and they kept mission. They got, they got Davis Jr. First. Then I get it.

it. Joey Bishop took one on the balls. He won't tell you that, though. Sinatra man fucking, the Teflon Don, they called him. Nothing ever stuck on him. Not even Ninja Stars. Lipslide away. He walked between

the raindrops. He walked between the Ninja Stars. That was Sinatra all the way. Class Act always picked up the tab. Also a huge racist. I really can't stress that enough. Just all the time. Did not stop.

He thought I was Jewish, kept calling me one of the good ones. Wouldn't let up on it. What was his deal? So, yeah, so he's tracking down what happens. He actually steals the Olive Ninja's body from the morgue. Again, like, and everything in this movie is happening nonsensically to the scene before it. Also, nonsensically, there's a thing in this movie that only a ninja can defeat another ninja. Sure, right.

So, like. That was news to me. all the cops Christy no one themselves could actually finally defeat this ninja

because I guess all ninjas are magic beings they're like unicorns but why does why does this olive ninja like

fall at the beginning of this movie I mean you get that many bullet holes I guess yeah it's like a Jason for he's his right exactly

and then and then he's on the this is fucking Jason goes to hell and he's on the table in the morgue and then the soul transference to the

Lord doctor doing the autopsy, but here it's with Christy. Wait a second though. Do you then think that the Olive Ninja in reality is a gross worm creature? Yes, I do. All right. That makes perfect sense. What does Shokushuki do with the body? He brings it to that temple.

Oh, for a later use. And they actually dress it for later on because when they try to force the soul out of Christy, they want to put it back into the body. Right. Am I wrong or is it a beige ninja? It is kind of a beige ninja It is a little, yeah

He wanted A ninja So Billy shows up During Christy's day job Which is fixing telephones For some reason He's like hey I gotta break my date

I gotta drop off my friend Who's this cop That looks like Murray From fucking the odd couple Yeah This guy's just as tired By the sands of time And she's you know

She has that moment Right Yeah recognizes his dude as one of the people that was shooting the ninja. And she assassinates him. We've talked to it, but this is the guy that's playing pool by himself. He gets thrown out the window, which is pretty funny.

It's this weird thing where, like, she's not always possessed by the ninja only at certain points. That's what's kind of weird. It's not like a full-on possession. It's just like this dude's hanging out inside of her. She experiences missing time. Right. She also could have been abducted by aliens. This might be also alien ninja.

I don't know. I mean, it seems pretty clear that they watched the actual. exorcist and then they watch Poltergeist. Yeah. And they're like, well, something like that and like just mash them two together. It's a huge exorcist thing. What's his name? James Hong? James Hong is in this movie. Right. He plays like a

monk mystic that they end up trying to do an exorcism on her. Right. And it's very much just the exorcism. This guy dies and Christy's got all this stuff. She goes to like a doctor. The doctor says there's nothing wrong with you. You're actually incredibly healthy. And the Wait, what is the line that? Because she's like,

you're incredibly healthy well first of all this woman's a terrible actor she's like you're incredibly healthy physically and I talked to the psychologist that you saw they said that you're also fine

except for your obsession with Japanese culture is what this woman says and she kind of looks like me put that in the DSM I don't like it I just I get to add as a president i get to add one thing in the dsm and and last year i did homosexuality this year

it's obsession with japanese culture but it's just so weird though because it's like what are you talking about like she's got that sword but i don't think she told anybody about it no well the weird thing so she she she wants to go her boyfriend is like oh you know something's wrong with you i talk to my cop who is the head of asiatic affairs which what does that mean what is that beat i don't understand what is the you're just you're walking around hassling asian people i guess we're just in chinatown or something i yeah i asiatic affair it you know what it's even turns out it's a really stupid lie forget it jake it's forget it jacques i'm the head of asiatic affairs this is after it's jonetown get out of here i'm the one that's pushing around all these

i'll tell you later uh this is after She's shot in the head by a laser coming out of this bouncer video game console that's also smoking and possibly haunted. That is an amazing scene. And it makes no fucking sense. That's what I love about it. This movie is pre-Ghostbusters, right? And it's the same year, but I don't know what can I win. I thought Trump.

I just felt a lot of Ghostbusters Dana Barrett's apartment going out here. That's true. Keep going. I'm going to look up release dates on the Tribune. see if there's anything here. Because, yeah, it's, like, basically, like, her whole apartment goes, like, wonky. It's very evil dead, too. Like, the doors are open and closing.

Well, I have no idea. Ninja by dawn. Ninja by dog. Exactly. There's, like, all these different, they never, like, tell you how possessed she is. No. Like, there's no consistent, like, there's, this is four different instances where she seems to be getting possessed.

Yeah. And they're all, and it's all, like, polter guys sliding with the fog. Maybe when the ninja, like, threw himself. into her body like only part of like half of them wins and then a quarter of him went into the sword and then a quarter of him went into a fucking video game

he got lost her along the way like when Abe Simpson got into the lovomatic oh he's now the bouncer I see yeah I like that so Ghostbusters was June 84 at Ninja 3 the domination September 84 oh let me tell you

the rate at which they put these cannon movies out it's totally possible if they saw something sure um so she also dresses up like the ninja to murder that dirty old cop she goes to the same cave and finds you know jesus tunic well actually well the question is how many ninja tunics are in there that's my question is it like the power rangers well you got you got a backup in case you shit your pants man i mean that's like standard ninja procedure we're doing the power rangers thing under there is where the spaceship is right yeah oh yeah zordoodles I'm Zordon's North Carolinian cousin Zordoodles. Hey, come on into my spaceship. Let's see what's going on in here. You're trying these little outfits.

Oh, Zordoodle's been up all night fitting these things for you kids. Come on in here. Oh, we don't fight nobody. That's just mean. That's just mean. We just smoke a lot of cigarettes. We help people out. People are in a jam.

We'll help you out. You're in a jam. You need somebody to come in and volunteer at your flea-mark. and we'll be there in two seconds. Zordoodles, pal rangers. Get on in here. Gather up, reindeer. That's what I call.

Zordons got rangers. I got little reindeer. Come on in, you'll be Zordoodles, reindeer. Oh, yeah, but you're... This bake sale ain't going to bake itself, guys. Come on. How else we're going to clean out this church basement? We need Zordotles, Reindeer's to help out.

Oh, actually, tonight's not too good for Zordoodles. I got to host the... bingo night for the yes I did I stitched all and I sold all the

antler woman myself all of antlers on oh mercy this this movie though so but basically

she goes winds up going up to James Hong because essentially you know the Asiatic cop

is like there's a guy and this is Japanese guy that can help you out and James Hong you know

he's in like mystic garb. They basically do an exorcism thing. She's like chained up and she's flipping all over the place. It looks ridiculous. There's this great line where he's like, oh my God, your girlfriend's been possessed by a ninja. And he's like, can you tell me what the hell

daddy is? And I'm like, you don't know what a fucking ninja is? Well, it's like, possessed or ninja? Like, what don't you understand from what he just said? I think it's pretty clear. You're possessed by a ninja. That's why she's dressed like a ninja. It's also awesome because this is clearly above James Hong's pay grade. And he's like,

Could you just get her out of me? Yes, exactly. It's like, I need to fleece some people. He's got him a Zelda Rubenstein from Teen Witch. Oh, yeah. You totally. Oh, no, child. It appears as if your girlfriend's been possessed by a ninja.

Oh, I don't fuck with ninjas, y'all. I don't deal with it. Ooh, shit, child, is that Zelda Rubenstein over there's Zelda, it's me, Zordoodle? Turns out Zelda and Zordoodle did a lot of cocaine in the 1970s. It was a ridiculous time to be alive in North Carolina. That's a TV show I want. Zelda and Zordoodles. They're going to do adventures.

Oh, I'd love it. Totally. Vagely paranormal adventures. They have a van. It's like the late 70s. And they slept together once. Decided that it wasn't for us, y'all. But we're still friends and we solve mysteries.

And we just save on the rent. We just split it right down the middle. Living in this van. She's got witches. I got ninjas. This is how we worked it out. This whole exorcism, by the way, I don't want to miss this. This whole exorcism takes place after what I feel is the greatest scene of this movie, where she goes on another cop hunt. Oh, right. This time to this dude who's taking two prostitutes to some sort of

to some sort of spa. This is like Serpica era corruption, because this is this cop is walking out of the police station with a quote unquote babe on each arm in full uniform. Yeah, those babes which he totally arrested on the street corner an hour ago. What are we even talking? Also a threesome in the afternoon, my goodness.

48 hours after 57 of your brethren bit it. Like, ooh, this is way above Zordoodle's pay grade, y'all. And they love him. They love him so much. They get mad Well, they quote unquote Love him because this dude is promising That they won't go to jail for months

No, but they get jealous They get jealous They get legitimately jealous Because they don't want the deal fucked up So she walks into the spa wherever they are And they're By the way, on one side of this guy Not only is he having a threesome with two ladies

He's having a fucking threesome With Miller High Life at St. Paul's Yes, oh guaranteed Also a threesome with all the fucking semen That's left over in that hot tub from the last time That's in a legit orgy at that point. Absolutely. And, I mean, this whole thing is making your stomach turn.

Just looking at this. And she comes in and pretends that she makes out with the guy. And these girls are like, oh, let's leave. And then the other girl's like, no, let's stay. Let's watch. Yep. I want to watch. That's an actual quote, one of them.

But here's my thing. What's the difference? What's one more lady in this gross fucking out of that situation? If anything, that takes the pressure off of you a little bit. Exactly right. why are you so upset? You were arrested 45 minutes ago. Now you're here. Any change in the deal is

going to really... Oh, that's not what I changed them. You know, they're thinking like, after this is done, the dude's going to be like, now that doesn't really count, you know, because she did so much of the work. So you got to give me a half halfie. Give me a halfie.

Give me a halfie tomorrow. Then he goes and gets his coat hanger out of the excuse me. What happened? American Psycho. Oh, okay. She has this, like, poisonous dart thing or whatever. It's, it's like a ring that she pulls the thing off and there's a needle on it and she turns it around and just sort of like, like slaps his neck. It's like poison.

But then she just awesfully fucking murders these other two women, including strangling this one lady with something. So they're all dead. Yeah. So the James Hong thing's just sort of, it kind of doesn't, you've, that's when we first understand what possession is. she does start at this point she gets like red eyes and like gets like kind of rogue hair a little bit yeah she goes gray a little bit at the temples but like this is this is the real cock-up of this movie because like james hong needs to be in the rubensstein character like he needs to be more than just a cameo yes like he comes back he's like oh i i don't know i found a scroll

and this is the spell that breaks the ninja curse and who could care but it's at least something you know the finger thing means the money oh oh oh that finger thing it's a The finger thing means the brain, too. Because Jesus, right around it. So at this point, the two movies meet each other because basically she's about to, she's at what's his face is police station, Billy's police station. And these two guys come up to like, oh, hey, you go into the funeral, you know, the funeral for all the cops that died in the last week. Oh, yeah.

And he's like, yeah, I'm going to try and make him. I'm like, no, you're not. your cop and 50 cops have died. But isn't it just for the guy in his underwear? For Murray, yeah. It's just the one guy. I think we just kind of glossed over the rest of the piece. They got all buried in a mass grave.

It was just the sand trap on that golf course. They would just bury it. But she sees them and has, it's a two last, it's a guy that's smoking a cigar and another guy, and she remembers them. So she's going to crash the funeral. This, I mean, it's the second. best scene. Yes, I was going to say the hot tub scene, I feel, is the best scene of this movie. Oh, no.

You got a golf course scene first, man. Well, yeah, you're right. All right. So golf course scene far away, far and away above everything else. Then you got hot tub scene, but then you got this fucking funeral crashing. And it is amazing. You know, this controversial, I say, flip them. I say hot tub last. Yeah.

Wow. Yeah. Arrow assault. Number two. She hides in a tree and just starts shooting these dudes with a bow and arrow. And it is awesome. This is better than anything Arrow the TV show has done. Yes. She's fucking tearing these dudes a new asshole.

It's amazing. And it's great because like all these cops are like, what, what, what? They're just so surprised. It's like, we just did this a couple of days ago. Jesus Christ, the ninjas. Listen, I'll tell you this. I told you we should have investigated the ninjas. Didn't I tell you?

I will tell you this, okay? Just a few short days ago, I was at a funeral. I was in a cemetery. I was at a fucking funeral. You know what the farthest thing from my mind was? fucking arrow attack from the sky. That would have painted things a little differently. And good Lord, wouldn't have ever.

And how is the mayor or the governor not here? The president is making a speech on television. Oh, she's piggybacking off of last week when those 50 cops were murdered on a golf course. Also, now it turns out a funeral for another one of the heroes. We are looking into the possible ties to the Soviet Union. This might be Soviet ninjas. Oh, yeah. Carrie Russell and her husband are fucking

freaking out right now. Yeah, I mean this is like a national security matter. Yeah, absolutely. You know, like there's everyone's being wiped out by ninjas. It's a proxy war with the Soviets. And everybody is so panicked. This is my favorite part of the thing.

There is a guy from a trunk handing out batons to his fellow policemen saying, you get a baton, you get a baton, you get a baton, you get a baton, you get a baton, you get a baton. I love it. It's like, like, I know we're at a funeral, but I brought all these batons just in case a ninja attack happen.

Makes good sense. And it's awesome. It's like a naked gun cutaway. What is this doing here? It is a Zucker Brothers gag. And also, like, we get into this thing where it's a chase scene in the cemetery. They're trying to, like, get her.

We are punching gravestones and they're crumbling like nothing else. Yeah, dude, it's like a fucking prop from the Undertaker's old sets. And she, is this the part where she like rips a dude off, of a motorcycle. Yes. Oh man. It's all awesome. And she gets on top of a cop car the second time and then just on a cop car. That's two. All right. Yeah. And the first massacre, he got on top of a

cop car and like started stabbing these dudes through the roof. Yeah. It was amazing. As it turns out, that was also awesome. Now, is it her who punches through the roof? Yes. To knock the guy out. No, I think that one dude gets stabbed in the head in the first scene. And then that the second guy, the guy who's driving, I think it's punched through the roof and the car crashes into that lake, by the way. We're definitely throwing a car in a lake. We got that kind of money. We got car into lake money, guaranteed. We've got just enough money for a car in a lake. So then the other ninja finds her and they fight in a house for kind of too long, in my opinion. It takes a little too long. It's patchy versus the ninja. And they go at it pretty hard and she's unmasked at this point. you're all like well that none of this is shocking okay and now so here we go she escapes the other ninja kind of takes the fall

and they're like we got the ninja we're gonna question this guy and then like Billy Seacord is like hey man you got to help my girlfriend he's like I will and he's like do you want to help you get out of prison he's like no I got this I'm like really do you got this he's a fucking ninja this guy would be dead by dawn man they would string

him up dead by dawn ninja by dawn man but he does break out though. He does. Yeah, he's his poison and stuff. Somewhere around. He puts them to sleep because he's a good to get you. He sits like, there he poisons them to

death and then the guy driving's like, what's you doing? He's like, they're sleeping now. Yeah, they're dead. How'd you escape? Oh, I sent those cops to a farm upstate. Yeah, exactly. Plenty of room to roam. Yeah, you got a lot of batons to play with them. Tossing

them everywhere. You didn't kill my friends. No, no, no, they're sleeping. Oh, that's crazy. Crazy. Ninja don't kill. Somewhere around here, she utters the lines, Billy I love you, which I was like, there is no time for this in this movie. No, the ninja inside of her is in love with Billy.

Oh, big gay ninja. Oh, shit. How did I miss that? It's a beautiful story. I'll be honest with you. It's pretty fantastic. Because Seekore changes too. That's why it matters.

He softens a bit. Yes, a bit. We've all learned something. He still. He's still, as it turns out, a terrible police officer. Awful. So we wind up at the temple because the ninja's like, hey, man, take her and the sword to the temple. Take me to the temple.

And that's the thing, actually, the ninja's about to kill her. What was that? That was those talking heads. Take me to the number. Take me to the temple. Keep up. I'll allow it. She, as the ninja, is about to cut Billy's head off with the sword, but then, like.

God, what a great cruel twist that would be. Something inside of her. her stops herself right again bill you know she's in love with billy and it's like i can't kill my boyfriend here the man i've the man i love i'm an immortal ninja and now i got a boyfriend you know what i love though is so like patchy takes a cop car to the temple but christie possessed by the olive ninja steals the fucking phone company man which is so awesome i think that's just her van i think she bought it Does she own the phone company?

I mean, it's a nice apartment. It's not phone company nice. Is her name Christy Ma Bell? No, I just think, you know, you know, it's not phone company nice. Yeah, I mean, it's nice and phone company nice. So she winds up at the temple. The idea is that the ninja, as we said, is going to draw her body into the old ninja, which he does really quickly because I kind of want more Christy versus this guy.

but I guess it makes more practical sense to have two guys who clearly know karate fight each other. Right, because this woman's clueless. I mean, she can fucking, you know, break dance and whatnot. Yeah. Not so much with the karate. So he turns into an evil possessed ninja and he does

for a little while kind of walk like a zombie, but that kind of doesn't have to that. They get rid of that pretty quickly. This is some missed opportunities. You could like cut this guy's arm off and keeps coming at you. Totally. Shit like that. They don't exploit the... He's even like white and he's a red for a little while, which is pretty cool.

They do not exploit the fact that this dude is clearly a zombie. He's the undead. Undead Ninja great movie. Oh, totally. Yes. I'm sure some Italian made that already. Oh, a dozen of them. It's about a Japanese businessman that goes to Transylvania

to set up an electronics factory out. Maybe this is getting dicey now that I'm saying this. Keep going. Well, all right, you know, that's also cheap Transylvanian labor. So I'm being bad both ways. I just want to point that on.

Oh, you're so bad. Oh, my goodness. That's an oldie. So, yes, it's a really cool ninja fight. The monks get possessed. This is something that clearly makes no sense. In this movie, I won't hear of it. When can you miss it?

I was just like, wait, why are the monks bad now? It's insane because so this zombie monk, or this zombie ninja, rather, throws force lightning. It's orange force lightning. That's right. And it hits these... All or red nothing. Yeah.

It hints these monks in the head. And then all of a sudden they're just evil. And I was like, how does this zombie have force lightning? You can't... Listen, there's like 10 minutes left of this movie. You can't just toss in force lightning? They needed that scene, like a flashback of establishing him as a magical or supernatural. Yes, exactly.

But also, like, I just like... there's two minutes before you figure out that they're possessed there's two minutes of them like shaking like they're shitting themselves

and why not just have him flash red in his eyes and then they flash right in their eyes and it's over yeah I don't need fucking force lightning

thank you very much but I'll take it though I do need this guy like you know in feudal Japan for like a thousand years ago getting cursed by something he's like Baba Yega

you know like he's like a whisper on the wind he's a little He's like a legend. He's like, you know. A warlock almost. All of that would be. Warlock Ninja.

Thank you. You're welcome. That's what we need. You're welcome, Eric. Like he's a ninja that was like excommunicated from the ninja church for practicing witchcraft or something. Here's the thing. If I put this movie on, it was called Warlock Ninja, I wouldn't be so surprised by most

of this movie. Yeah, totally. This being called Ninja 3, the domination. Well, that's the biggest question, though. Why is it in Ninja 3, the possession? Because what the fuck? is the domination. What are you talking about? I mean, he dominates

that fucking golf course. No, no, no. Heteronormative society dominated this gay ninja. Now he's dominating. He's flipping it around. He has to flip it up. Yeah, I like with this. Thank you. He's flipping it up. By the way, ninjas are like playing golf

because it's the less strokes, right? He like slices like five guys in one stroke. He's very economical in that way. I like it. I'd be a one par, man. That's it's a Kill Steve Stating, that's one par. I'd be one parm sandwich. So we're fighting on a cliff and, you know, it's pretty cool.

And, you're kind of just hanging out watching this thing happen. Which is stupid. Just leave. Get in your telephone company van and leave. It's kind of like the end of November rain. Like, for me, the movie ends when they kiss. Like, when they're in and they kiss. But, like, this whole fight, like, I'm like, this is still happening?

She even kind of was like, well, let me see if I could finish this. Because, like, the ninja gets distracted and she impales him with his own sword. Which is pretty cool. Which should also just kill him at that point. Like, let's just... No, but you got to have the one last scare because it's a Jason movie kind of too. Totally. So he spins into the ground again, by the way.

Yeah. Oh, that's pretty cool. It's his one move. It is his one move. It's kind of like when you can only do, like, one fight code in Mortal Kombat. And all of a sudden, he can control the weather. He causes an earthquake. I mean, like, it's just we're getting out there, man.

Show Kashugi, like, almost falls into a little. a pit and he does like some ninja maneuvering. This is an amazing movie and it's crazy, but you tone it down a little bit. This is like a ninja turtle's plot line. Yeah, exactly. April gets possessed by a spirit of an evil ninja. Yep. Yes. I want the ending just to be a really dope fucking ninja fight. And it's just like two dudes with two swords. And it's over in like seven minutes. Give me like a really wide shot of them on a hill just like fucking, no cuts of them just to go in the fuck at it. We could totally end it like that great movie Dragon in, which is just, it's the same thing we're on a cliff side. These two dudes are

fighting each other with fucking swords. And dude just gets decapitated, hardcore. And that's the end of it. You're like, oh, fucking sweet. That's clearly the end of the movie. Maybe that was what was cut. I don't know. Oh, maybe. You know, there's a, there's a, there's a, there's a missing head that was cut. Well, what's pretty cool at least, though, is that so like, Shokushugi's trying to like climb up the ravine that he falls into. And here's our, our undead ninja once again. He, like, grabs his leg. One last scare. And Shokushuki just takes a sword and jams it into this dude's skull.

And now this dude is fucking lights out. Only a ninja can jam another sword. Yeah, that's the rules. And there's like some like, there's like a low like, like the soul dying noise. Yeah. Yeah, it's the ninja death rattle. That's like the little worm inside. And then a cat walks by and you're, ow!

Man, a cat just singing like John Goodman. I would like that cat. It would be great. Ooh, that cat. John Goodman cat. Yes. Oh, but actually, the kind of cool thing that they do is like, so they show the ninja's body and he just vanishes, which is kind of stupid. But he's left, like, his sword that he's been fighting with and, like, where his head was is just the fucking tinier sword that Shokushugi puts in there.

So it's like a cool little effect. Yeah, I mean. No blood, though. Is that a tonto? It's the katana and what's a smaller sort? Oh, I couldn't tell you. Not for a million dollars. Wrong podcast.

It's used for stabbing dudes in the head and suicide. That's true. So it just ends. We don't know what happens to Christy and what's his name, Jason? Oh, they break up immediately. She's like, oh, my God, I had sex with that guy. I was possessed. I was totally possessed.

Jesus Christ. Oh, is that why my breasts smell like tomato juice? How was this ninja doing? Look, every time I wash my sheets, a pile of hair comes out with it. I find a mustache hair in my teeth. This is disgusting. What is that ninja doing? What the fuck happened in my goddamn bouncer arcade tower?

It looks like someone burned it. Oh, in the middle of this movie, the ninja fucking cuts her radio in half, man. Oh, that's her very expensive stereo system. What amazing shot when she was working on the telephone pole at the start. out of the movie where there's this this fucking awesome song playing and then she just turns off the boom box I had no idea that it was

of diogenic I did I did the same thought I was like that's supposed to be diogenic all right that's terrible I love the music in this movie oh man body shop Body shop is a great song was that that was during the aerobics yeah lyrics like I meant to look those

up and read them but I forgot but the lyric like it was it was insane I feel like Canon just produced all these songs and they exist only in this movie and that is it. Well, this is the thing. It's a secret Frank Zappa album. Listen, listen. No, no, no, listen. Mondo, I know

you're listening. You need to fucking put out the goddamn Ninja 3, the domination soundtrack on vinyl. I will buy it because for Body Shop alone, good lord, is it awesome? I'm looking at if that happened. Body Shop.

I know Shot Factory put it on on Blu-ray. Ooh, I like that. Yeah, so, you know, the last shot of the movie is show Kashugi walking away. It's kind of like they're just ripping off, like, shots from Kung Fu. The Legend continues. All these songs were made by somebody named Dave Powell. Oh, the genius Dave Powell.

Uh-huh. I think that's what he should go by because he wrote body shop. I think he was a canon contract. Oh, got you later killed by a ninja. So that's the end of the movie around the horn who's recognized. recommending this one. Oh, it's a hard recommend. It is jaw-droppingly crazy.

It's great. I will definitely, I've only seen this movie once so far, but by the time I dial, I've seen it 10 times. Guaranteed. Yeah, it's a great movie. I would definitely recommend it. I, you know, I saw it a few years ago. I was surprised, like, I didn't see this in, in the 80s or 90s or even the O. Or today's.

But, like, because there's no way this was ever allowed to be on television. which is another reason why it's amazing so definitely big time recommend oh huge recommend I mean it's I have a hard time saying no to a canon picture it's a really difficult thing there are that they're out there

they have some unwatchable films you've been for Quest for Peace that's up there every Chuck Norris movie most of the Chuck Norris movies are very hard to watch but this is I mean so bizarre this is our second canon movie of the month actually which is odd

oh yeah death was three Oh, right. Yes, is a And there you go. I mean, listen, you can just If you, if you put this movie on your TV, right? Where else did you put it? Listen, just go with me here.

Computer, iPhone? Or a phone. Yeah, you know. Or like David Lynch says, nobody wants to watch a movie on your fucking phone, which is true. But you watch this movie however you can, first of all. But shout factory, Blu-ray, right?

You get it, nice fucking 1080P high-deaf, right? You get your nice, like, home stereo, blare. that shit. And you have to talk like Andrew's talking right now. You've got to pour VH juice on your dick. Yeah, oh, big time. And then you just get right up close to that TV and you sniff it in, man. You can fucking get the cocaine

off of this film. And that's what you want in a canon film. You want to feel the cocaine high while you're watching these movies. And this movie is definitely one of them. And Death Wish 3 definitely just riddled with cocaine. Absolutely. Your wife comes home. Why is there coke all over the apartment? What was going on?

Here's the thing. It's just canon, honey. But since it's canon, I don't think it's cocaine. I think we're talking speed. Oh. I think we're talking crank. Uppers, downers. The cheap stuff, man.

A couple of ludes still left kicking around. A couple quay ludes. You mix that with some uppers. What's the most dangerous and the cheapest we wanted? That's Ninja 3, the domination, directed by Sam Fustenberg. If you want more we hate movies, check out W. HM Podcast.com or find us over on the Headgum Network page.

Like us on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter. We are at WHM Podcast. And as we said before at the top of the show, that this is a Patreon-sponsored episode. And you know, you can go there. We do a little side show on there called Animation Damnation. In addition to our show The Nexus where we recap Star Trek episodes

and we have movie commentaries on there. But we wanted to share a little something. from animation damnation on this episode did we not steve we did uh and actually it's kind of in fitting it's it's uh it's martial arts based uh it's from our mortal combat episode we did not martial arts based in a dean yeah it's a martial combat cartoon we talked about that's the same thing as your ancient martial art yeah uh there's definitely a lot of command centers in a in a martial arts and i think this clip kind of speaks for itself So a plane full of Baracca's show up, who are now called the nomad?

I think that's a thing from the booklet. I think his people were nomads, but also because... I guess Baraka's dead. Baraka's dead because there's this new dude car brack. What? Sonia... He's part car, part Baraka. He's a transformer.

No, like Sonia or somebody's like, oh, no, it's car brack. Oh, no. It just cuts to an exact drawing of... Baraka and this thing just goes Now he's transforming Now he's a station wagon Oh no it's Carbrack He's Barack's cousin from out of town

He came in to settle at Barack's affairs Take care of Barack's wife You know like Barack by the sea Yeah exactly But I'm just the backup That doesn't make any sense I'm not supposed to drive every day To and from Boston

This is ridiculous You want me to fix that light with my, my mechanical hand? Is that what you want? Lady, I don't give a fuck what you do. Uncle Barack, I just can't imagine my dad in a fucking freezer, okay? Uncle Baraka, the chicken get it out of the freezer. Fuck, I burned a spaghetti sauce. You know how much these guns are worth?

We could maybe fix up the boat. I like Barack a by the scene. He wouldn't be able to throw that tennis ball. the end of the end. Oh, and just a few slices of the half. No, Kenneth Lonergan starts shit with him on the street and gets his head cut off. Oh, nice. Nice parenting, pal. I, uh,

I just went down to the store to, uh, get some more beer. And, uh, I was high on cocaine. I was, you know, I was partying with the boys. And I was walking back. I, I, I didn't, I just, I did not know that Lou Kang would do a fatality

to my whole house. He turned into a dragon and fucking Senator Blaze I was trying to stay warm by a portal to Outworld just went out to get some beer and they came back and shoved zero left

he could have stuck the whole thing The whole house got sucked into Outworld He just puts his blade in it Yeah Yeah yeah yeah yeah Yeah Uncle Barack I got like two girlfriends You have sex with these girls

About one but the other one I'm working on it What is that mean? Oh, you know, like outworld stuff. Can you come in and have dinner and just talk with her? I don't want to talk to Molina. Oh, nobody wanted to talk to Malina. So there it is. That's just a small taste of what you can find behind the WHM Patreon Paywall.

Patreon.com slash we hate movies. Rate and view the show wherever you get it, we would greatly appreciate it. Next week on the program, what are we doing? What are you talking about? Oh, we're getting... Oh, it's Crichton Town. It's Crichton. It's steamy.

Everybody gets steamy. It's sleazy Crichton, though. This is different from Giant Ape Crichton. I would rather Giant Ape. Oh, absolutely. But instead, it's Disclosure. The first film where I heard a line such as, you want to get fucked. It happens in Disclosure.

That's quote Michael Douglas. I do. Co-starring Dennis Miller, of course. Oh, you better believe it. And some fucking terrible... It's like virtual reality. is it not? Oh, goody. Oh, man.

Virtuosity level stuff, man. Yeah, oh, God. So next week on the program, Michael Douglas, in Disclosure. Until then, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Zadak. Eric Siskin. Chris Cabin. Take it easy.