We Hate Movies - S7 Ep304: Episode 304 - Transformers (2007)

Episode Date: June 6, 2017

On this week's episode, we kick off our 2017 Summer Blockbuster Extravaganza by diving into the first part of a 5-film marathon with Michael Bay's 2007 CGI nightmare, "Transformers"! Why did these robots need lips? How come this movie focuses on so many useless human characters? And how on Earth do you wait 75 minutes before introducing John Turturro? PLUS: Welcome to the show, legendary new WHM character, Tape Man! "Transformers" stars Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel, Tyrese Gibson, Rachael Taylor, Anthony Anderson, Jon Voight, John Turturro, Kevin Dunne, Julia White, Peter Cullen, Mark Ryan, Darius McCrary, Robert Foxworth, Jess Harnell, and Hugo Weaving; directed by Michael Bay.Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Now on today's program, we are kicking off the summer blockbuster extravaganza. Is it already here? It's already here. And we're starting on what is quite possibly the thing that will be our end. A Transformers Marathon here on We Hate Movies. First up, it's Transformers. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadek.

Chris Cabman. Eric Siska. And we hate movies. Hello, As always, like I said, up top, we're kicking off SBE 2017, or as we're calling it this year, Transformers'athon. Now, there's not enough movies to get us through the whole summer, thank God. So there will be some additional picks at the end of all this.

Some nice surprises, I think, some really big ones, I think. There's light at the end of the tunnel. And also, by the way, this is the one time this month, this marathon that we will not be breaking the 10-year rule. so I feel like 10-year purists every week will get madder and matter as we get closer. Like, oh, man, now it's six years. Now it's four years.

Can you imagine being in a position where you would consider yourself a 10-year purist? Like, you're just sitting around listening to a show you have nothing to do with and you're just getting upset. You're a part of the show. You listen. You're more part of it than I am.

They're picking up, picking at their WHM tattoo. Just trying to get it off now, man. just can't, I can't believe this movie has been 10 years. Oh yeah. It's really something. It's been 10 years since the madness began. Anybody get fooled by it? Because a lot of critics were fooled by this movie. Wait, what? Fooled as in seeing it in theaters or fooled isn't liking it. Fooled as in liking it. No, but I did see it in theaters. I saw it in theater. I saw it with you Chris. I think it was one of your press warreys. Yes. And I was sick. We danced first. Now I'm just kind of imagining the party from Batman forever.

Chris Gavin Marvel is. Yeah. And then we do a waltz for some reason. And then we all sit down and watch the Transformers movies or movie. And I hated this movie in 2007. I hated it more when I saw it in the theater than I did when I rewatched it. And this is a one and done for me. I saw this one and I did not see any of the other ones.

I've caught some on TV here and there, watch a 20 minute like jag. But like, get out of here. I've finished one since this one. I've definitely seen most or parts of all the other ones. I went back for part two in theaters. And this was, you got tricked. I got tricked,

sort of. Well, I'll tell you what, because these come out in the dog days of summer, man, it's hot as shit. Like we're talking about it. So we purchased tickets for,

I was like, look, this is long as shit. Two and a half hours plus multiplex pre-show. You're talking a solid three hours of air conditioning. Let's do it. It's a place to drink a cold soda. That's what it is.

And this is what was horrible. Two things. One, we were seated behind three of the biggest Transformers nerds ever. Wait, size wise. They were just like nitpicking every little thing like out loud as it unfolded. But the worst part was the fucking air conditioning and the theater was broken. Oh, no. So the whole reason we went.

You take that. a loss, you leave. Yeah, we should have. That happened to me in no country for old men. I was in the regal what do you call it there, the Union Square Theater. You ever get in the balcony up there? Yep. Oh, man, it was, I felt the West Texas heat, man. That was on purpose.

That was the Cohen brothers specified. I was like, oh, wow, death is coming for us all, isn't it? So, by the way, I don't know if you guys knew this, but before time there was the cube. fucking shoot me in the head

the all spark dude the Transformers lore in this like come on stole it from pinhead dude I would love to see Optimus Prime's fucking flesh ripped off his body how about that fucking the Autobots pull a heist on the Hellraiser

dimension and steal their fucking cubes and shit if we're if Bay walks away from the franchise we need to start spicing it up a bit so yeah let's get Hellraiser in there We've acquired the puzzle box from hell. Autobots, let's go. Enter the realm of eternal pain.

Pierce my nipples, Autobots. What are you doing to Bumblebee's tailpipe? No, no! It doesn't work on us. We do not have souls. So we just use it to create planets that are weird. I mean, you know, and we should say, by the way, the start of this venture here. Nobody in this room cares about Transformers.

It's such as just, I know what, we're going to forget what these little gleeve-glop robots are called. It's just going to happen, except it now. I think I remember most of them, the names. But this is one of those things I never cared about them. Do you guys see the cartoons growing up? I did. I was aware of them. Yeah, I saw like an episode here and there, but I never gave a fuck.

I have seen the movie. How could you care? I'll give it go even further. I don't like cars. I'm not a car guy Like you know what I mean So like On the way here

I was reading A lot of like trivia for the movie And it's like I thought you're gonna say you were reading Tailpipe Monthly And And it's a lot Blow it

That's like the line at the bottom I like that On the mast head Yeah no That's how you kill yourself Carbon monoxide But the Oh my God

Killing yourself Inside of a Transformer That's the best way to go Dude you put the pipe Like You get the pipe at You go to his tail pipe and you put the hose in

inside of its it's a little death of it. Bumblebee, why did you let Sam Whitwicky's father kill himself in the garage? You should have intervened. Adios, Kevin Dunn. Also, it would be great if one day Kevin Dunn's driving

around in one of these cars and he's like, yeah, another thing that why Transformers are stupid and the transformer turns into a robot while he's driving it and just like rips them apart. Just rip them apart. Just blood spraying everywhere.

So what were you saying? You were saying about something about reading something? No, just reading all the IMDB Tribune about the trivia of this movie, which is copious. And so much of it is, you know, in the cartoon, he was this kind of a car. But for this movie, he's that kind of a car. This model has this fucking fender. And I'm like, I don't even care. I don't have a driver's license.

I never have. And I never will. There's a whole website now. It's an IMDB just for the cars in movies. No. Yes, there is. Wait, no. Yes, there is.

You can look it up right now. You're a line. You can that's what it is, I think. Car MDB? Car MDB. That's how big this thing is. Car MDB. So wait, so what, it's Transformers, it's Fast and Furious.

No, like, everything, right? A name of a movie, 48 hours. They have the cars that are used in shit, eight hours. School bus. Like, what are we doing? Van. Well, I think they're probably going to. a little more granular on that.

Make and model might be included. Oh, what's the year on that Ford Wind Star? Colors included. Color, name, all that stuff. So this was a planet called Cybertron, right? That's what I'm understanding. And the AllSpark gave them all life. It's God, I guess.

I guess it's like AOL. And they didn't, they weren't cars there. They were just robots. They were just robots because cars don't exist anywhere else. Wait, no, but in this movie they later say that cars were reversed engineered from the fucking transfer. that's right really that's right that's mentioned and it's fucking crazy well i heard like microchips and microwaves and i'm like sure we always we always love to do that movies we're like we couldn't

think up microwaves aliens had to come to space to let us know what microards are received alien diagnostics from the u.s government this is it's all um it's what's it's john to turro's talking about it he's like yeah it's all that stuff it's space travel weaponry all of it was pulled out of Megatron's asshole. Toilets. So the planet's Cybertron. So is Cybertron like that level in Mario Kart that's just the space? Oh, Rainbow Road?

Yeah, okay. That must be what all of Cybertron is. They're all driving all the time. I'm pretty sure the arcade I grew up with was named Cybertron. Oh, nice. There we go. I like that. And all you guys that went to the Hudson Valley Mall.

Were there, so like, did people have like houses? Did people, like, have mailmen? Like, how did that work? Well, they didn't have houses. They had garages. Okay. Was Mater there? Is that what we're talking?

Was it like Borg or something? Yeah. Just like a Borg society? Yeah. You will be assimilated into the cube, the AllSpark. Well, yeah, you want to talk about stealing shit from people. This AllSpark is just the Borg cube. Right.

Or the Hellraiser Cube. Well, when it's big, though, when it's like traveling through space, it's the Borg cube. And then. bumblebee like shrinks it down somehow to like a fun size model you know like those cheap fun size candies you get at Halloween yeah nobody wants those there's nothing fucking fun about those by the you know it's fun a full size candy bar this movie does not want to start no it just like for a movie about cars and about going fast this movie does not want to get fucking going nope not

at all so we got to look at ugly kids for a while uh-huh well it's michael it's michael bays ferris Bueller's Day off for the first hour about. Well, I mean, all that stuff with Shia LaBouf is here, but also you've got like the Marines and all the fucking Army God. John Voight. The never-ending war

we've been in. Oh, wait, what? This movie came out 10 years ago? Okay, we're still fighting in the Middle East. Okay, great. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. We started five years before that or more? Okay. Yeah. Holy fuck. Well, the Army guys do, so it's

Josh D'emel and Tyrese. Tyrese. Is the other, like the two main dudes or whatever? Zach Ward is there. Is that the guy who was the weird younger brother on Titus? Yes, and he's also in Christmas Story, and he's in Ferdy versus Jason. Oh, right, right, right, right. Yeah, so they're all there.

And they're, like, ticking off, like, cliched army shit, where they're browing out. And one dude is talking about how he's excited to get back to mom's cooking. another dude is making fun of another dude for speaking Spanish that's what you want and then of course I can't wait to meet my baby girl check my baby daughter she was born but I was here in the Middle East

in this war but also you're forgetting the socks oh yeah oh right Titus's brother we're gonna go to Fenway and drink a fucking flat beer and watch the socks a cold beer and a hot beer you know what's a missed opportunity for these movies is incorporating the crash test dummies

you remember those that was a car How can I forget? Right? Yeah. Oh, I thought you meant the band. Them too, man. Transformers. Once there was a car who turned into a robot and killed a bunch of people.

Yeah. They called a megatron. But there was a cartoon, right? They were cartoons. But they were also, before they were a cartoon, they were live action, weird, like, interstitial things. I think I had a VHS tape of this, and I just loved the idea of going through car crashes. I had the toys, and they were really obnoxious.

It was hard to put them back together, because they would shatter in a million pieces. I put them into David Cronenberg's sex situations. Oh, now you're Elias Cotius. Yeah, fuck this wound hole. Crash test dummy toy. Crash test dummy. I actually found that they were,

variously racist and the two different people crashed the movie that is a video oh that movie I just I just politely laughed I was talking about the James Spader yeah I know sex romp

the superior crash so yeah I mean like so they there's a rogue decepticon in this sequence yes I don't know which one this is I think this is blackout I want to say Cherokeeed maybe Helicopterman is he like a helicopter yeah he turns from a helicopter

And, like, this helicopter is just coming towards this military base and everyone's like, hey, what's that helicopter doing? Yeah. It's just like, I don't know about that helicopter. It's a real lackluster response for what is clearly like a rogue aircraft. Like, blown out of the sky.

Don't they have like a radar or something? Yeah. Like, what is this, 1950? No, they notice it. They're like, oh, the helicopter. Like, hey, helicopter, identify yourself. Helicopter identifier. There's no, blow it the fuck out of this guy.

All right, helicopter, you're going to get five more chances to identify yourself. They send in two jets. And the Jets do nothing. All right, helicopter, do you want to get fucked? Michael Douglas, get out of here. So it, like, turns into a fucking robot and lays waste to this entire army base.

You know, you're saying the get fucked line, do these robots fuck? That's the question. Do they lay in pipe, man? Well, I think they do, actually. I think they're bisexual. When we get into Air Force One, we'll talk about all the sexual stuff.

Well, you know, what I realized, though, I mean, there's no... I mean, this doesn't account for the fucking, but I'm thinking more about the procreation side of things. There's no lady transformers. She's called the factory. No, there was, but they cut her out of the movie, and she's in later movies, apparently.

This is in my trivia. Oh, is that right? In the first one, they were like, I think Roberta Orkey and Alex Kurtzman were like, well, we couldn't make the gender thing make any sense, so we left it alone, and then we realized we didn't give a shit about that. Well, you just got to do the Pac-Man thing.

You know, she's got a bowing. Well, no, I think. it's more about. Like, why would a robot car have a gender, but like, I don't know, why would a robot be a car also? Why would one robot named jazz clearly be a stereotypical black dude voice?

Well, that's a thing. Great question. It's a Michael Bay movie, so it would be like chrome pink or something like that. Or with tattas. How are we going to have this car half tiat? High-heeled car, awesome. Hey, Michael Bay, I'm going to put some lipstick on this car's

tiats. Man, I'd smack bumpers with that. Oh, come up. Oh, these are just the thoughts of Hollywood legend, Michael Bay and his team when they're making this legendary film. The genius known as Michael Bay. How are you going to get a skirt on that robot? Oh, man, I wanted this car to bend over and I can look at her thighs. Oh, shit, dude.

Look at her with the convertible top. Hey, another bud washer here. Just one more bud washer right here. So while all these. soldiers are being massacred by a robot we cut to Shai LeBuff giving us show and tell a presentation. There's hacking going on. That's the important thing. Oh, there's hacking? Where's the hacking

happening? That's why the robot car is laying waste of everything. It's like, it's stealing all the files. This guy's pulling a Wolfford Brimley, like, hack it at computer. Oh, that's what's the, what's this little thing's problem? This little this little Oh, that. Oh, I know.

His name is Frenzy, by the way. It's a little... Frenzy. It's a little robot that doesn't turn into a car. It's like... It turns into iPods and shit. It's kind of like the thing head that turns into the spider thing. Yeah. Speaking of Wilford Brimley. Is this like a sex toy from the Transformers?

Here's the question. And you do not want that thing to fuck you. Are you kidding me? Well, if I had like a- That thing would tear your asshole apart. It definitely fucks the Air Force One computer. It fucks everything, dude. It's like R2D2, but it can go up your asshole if you are a meddleman.

Oh, I see. Yeah. Like, I'm not saying me as a biological inferior. No, I'm talking about the superior. Oh, I see, of course. The meddlemen from the stars. Yes, Sam Woodwickley, we let robots go up our ass. That is the only way we're to receive.

We are an advanced culture. Talk about the AllSpark. We take the little robots and let them go up our ass and crawl around. Why not they're robots that fight each other and turn into cars? They're not that advanced. No, they're not. Yeah, they're not advanced. They're stupid.

Like, don't fight each other. Figure out a way to solve your problems by robot talking to each other. Well, that's an annoying thing that does happen later in this movie once Shia Labouf, and I know I'm purposely mispronouncing it. What is it? That's like LeBuff. Shai, Shia LeBuff? LeBuff, I think.

I tend to say LeBee for Leboof, just kind of having fun with names, you know. I was calling him holes for years. No, like, so when he eventually befriends them and we have to have these moments of comedy, they turn from these like, We are warriors from a foreign planet. And all that shit to like, oh no, I fucking stepped on a fountain and I'm trying to.

Hey, hey, bumblebee, shut up over there. All these ninkum poop robots of mine. Get off my lawn. And you're just like, why did you completely change the, like, characteristics of these robots? And you know what, Michael Bay, right and wrong,

he enjoys a good, he enjoys a good laugh, which I appreciate. Like, his movies always have a lot of comedy in them. however he loves the improv he wants to let the camera go Pearl Harbor was hilarious there's a lot of laughs in Pearl Harbor it's just like get two people

and let him go man let them riff let them riff and I mean this movie is two hours and 29 minutes of riffing and like maybe seven minutes of fucking robot fighting that's about right yeah that sounds about right seven to nine minutes of robot fighting I am not buying a ticket for these fucking

parents I'll tell you that much added 10 minutes of robot humor. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's just awful. So Shia LeBuff is giving a presentation about an ancestor of his that was in Antarctica doing something. It's like grandpappy. And it's not just a presentation. It's like, buy this garbage from me because I have no respect for my father's. It's an Amway scheme. I'm donate to my car fund. And this is our first reference of eBay. Go to my eBay page. And also like this kid lives in a We'll see later, a fucking mansion.

You know what? If your dad's like treating, teaching you a lesson by you have to buy your own car, it's none of my fucking business. Yep, yep. Keep this shit out of the classroom. How about that? You did a quick way of making me on the bully side when he's flicking like paper at this kid.

Oh, totally. And you've got the teacher who's the dude who is the washed up plastic surgeon on house. He's there pretending to care about being an educator in this movie. And we have Megan Fox. Megan Fox, of course. And now this was my interesting, or I guess my question about Megan Fox, because in this movie, like, she's talking one way. And I was like, my God, what on earth is that from? What is this voice I'm hearing here?

And I looked it up, and she's from, like, Tennessee, and then she moved to California. This sounds like, like, butchered Canadian accent. Like, I don't know how she's speaking, but she also doesn't speak like this in other things. It's weird. She's a robot that was just powering up. Oh. I will say, maybe a controversial opinion in this room, I don't think Megan Fox is bad in this movie.

I don't think she's bad as an actress. She's not great. Like, I wouldn't want to watch her in a fucking, you know, a historical drama, but like she can hold the screen. She's not like a dead-eyed C.W. actress that does nothing. It's just like a step above that. I think she's kind of like a Lindsay Lohan. Yeah.

Which is not a good thing to be, but it's a thing. But interestingly, though, like, so we still watch the Zoe DeCinell show New Girl. and she's had an arc on that like this past season and sort of the one before that she's really funny on that show which is weird I mean but here

she's a better part of those Turtles movies Oh absolutely I don't think she's terrible it's just kind of like a what you can let's put it this way I think you could do worse

No exactly and I mean obviously that's not the reason she's there if you look at what Michael Bay is filming Oh my god all these shots of just like her crazy Tommy now we focus on her tummy

for fucking 15 minutes Well, she talked shit about him later on when she was kind of out of these movies and they had like a beef. Well, she got fired, I heard. She got fired. And I mean, like, it must be really awkward to go up to somebody like, we're gonna, yeah.

So, Megan, could you like bend over and, you know, do this thing and make sure like... Oh, by the way, you can't legally drink? Okay. Yeah, exactly. Could you please stand in a fashion that no human being naturally stands while looking under a car's hood?

Yeah, yeah, no beer. But lick your lips a little bit. Just to lick your little. Grip. Could you just pull her shirt down a little bit? I can not almost see nipple. I want to almost see nipple. I mean, we don't have the NPAA getting in here, but yeah, that's it. That's it. Spray bottle guy. Could you get in there and water down her tummy a little bit? Oh, it's my time to shine. I got the tape. I'm tape guy. Hi, I go on set and I tape all sorts of stuff. It's me tape guy. I tape stuff. I tape stuff. I tape stuff. up and I tape stuff down and two things. You know, I never heard a director of photography talk like that. Oh, well, she said her whole thing was she said that working for Michael Bay is like working

like for a Nazi. Oh, yeah. I think she actually said Adolf Hitler. Oh, is that what it was? Well, you know what you don't do is mentioned that in movies executive produced by Steven Spielberg. Wasn't that LeBuff, didn't he say the Holocaust thing? am I getting...

I don't know. Because everybody talks shit about these movies that goes fucking watergate afterwards. We all love

to talk about the Holocaust. That's everyone. He talks shit about the Indiana Jones movie. Oh, okay. I think it was his thing.

Because he's in three of these. He said Mutt was fighting for the wrong sign. He's in all. Oh, wait, that would become a Soviet. Hey, even better. So whatever.

We go to San, Wiki's house, eBay paid handsomely in this movie. I got a, what, three or four times? At least, I got a, I got a 12 count. Oh, seriously? I think it's a 12th. A fucking Decepticon says eBay, and it's like, you know what, dude, do not do that. John Totoro, in a span of two minutes, says it three times.

Oh, my God. And never has an eBay page been more important. It's also Ladies Man, something. Ladies Man 2s, are you Ladies Man 217? Oh, yeah, I should say I counted. the on-screen images in that. Because we're getting a lot of profile views in this, too. Yeah, it's not just saying it.

It's looking at the eBay interface. So the story part of this is he's got spectacles from his grandfather, which we'll find out have coordinates where the ball spark is imprinted. The dumbest thing in the world. Oh, you know what's so easy to break glass. Oh, like this will be around forever. Let me imprint GPS coordinates on it for the thing we need. And now, am I to believe that?

The, the, uh, the, uh, the, the, the, the, the autobots did that? Or this grandpappy carved that shit into a glass was, Megatron did that. Oh, Megatron when he falls down the, wait, remember when he falls down into the Arctic Circle? I fell down into the Arctic. Yeah. And he accidentally fiddled with its navigation balls or whatever. Yeah, juggle my navigation balls. Oh, watch that finger. Oh, spark alert. Ooh, I'm ready. Ready for lubrication. Dude, there's a transformer that pisses on a person.

That's always fun. So, I mean, like, but Sam Whitwicky is trying to get money for his car. His dad, who, I don't know, is a billionaire. He's driving around on a Porsche, and he's like, well, we'll go to the... And I guess the joke is his dad is cheap. So they go to a used car lot run by Bernie Mac. And God damn it, if he isn't one of the best parts of this movie. Yep. He is so fucking funny in this, like, he's the guy that I'm okay with, like, leaving the camera on.

Yep. As Bobby Bolivia in this movie, I think his name is. It's so fucking funny. Leave the camera on Bernie Mac. Show me that to me. Give him a midriff, man. Tape guy, get in there for Bernie Mac. I'm going to use all sorts of tape. I'm coming for you, Bernie. tape guy that got hired. Is he union or what? So yeah, like, so they go to this shitty

car lot run by Bernie Mac and it's like you know, the usual gags of like, oh, this shipbox car here and there and whatnot. So here's my understanding. Bumblebee, the yellow car. He's the yellow car. And I was reading he's always been like a scout and he's an espionage

agent. Oh, so yellow. Perfect color for that. So he comes to Earth early and like understands what capitalism is. understands like how like what kind of car like where to be like because you want his point is to be bought by Sam Whitwicky right like that's the thing is like he's like his like bodyguard I guess well they know that like he's the descendant of Arctic Explorer dude so he has to insert himself into this man's life and by the way what perfect timing that

this kid's looking to buy a car and you're a fucking car what are the odds of that fumblebee You could buy me. Oh, that's so weird. But the weird thing, though, is... Buy me. Buy me. Ob purchased. Here's your receipt.

But the weird thing is, why aren't these cars T-1000? Why aren't these robots T-1,000 where they could be any car? Liquid metal? They can't be any car. Bumblebee changes his model to a new one. But then why are we... Why aren't we always doing that? If I'm Optimus Prime and I'm like, oh, shit, Megatron's coming.

Let me just turn to do a fucking hatchback. Maybe being a fucking giant truck that's slow as shit is not a good idea. Or maybe I'll turn into a tank or whatever. Like, you know what I mean? There's a tank guy. No, the branding demands it. How are you going to sell a toy that could look like anything? Yeah, because it's stupid.

This is a dumb idea. This whole thing is dumb. What makes no sense is when Bumblebee does do, because he's an old piece of shit and then he gets in like a charger or something. and like the other car is then empty driving down the highway with nobody behind the wheel there must be a disastrous car wreck right after I didn't see that yeah there's probably corpses everywhere

I would think so in the middle of that tunnel come out yeah that's the problem with the PG-13ness of the movie here it's like they're this movie should be a fucking graveyard with all the people that are getting murdered and you don't you don't see it you see dude from Titus gets murdered yeah later on but that's about it I mean, not a lot of murder. No blood.

No, no blood. It's all like presumed dead. There's one part where Megatron and Optimus Prime in the final battle go through a building. Yeah. And when they come out, they should be covered in human blood. And asbestos. It's like an office. They're like taking meetings like a fucking car goes through an office.

Everybody's dead. Oh, yeah. There's just you brains all over him. He sounds like the brains. Fucking covered in your brains. The little... They should call the wolf to clean them up. Yeah.

Now get those towels and stop up the Braymard. Oh shit, the wolf driving a transformer. I talk fast. I drive fast. Oh, totally. Right? Then they go to Julia Sweeney's little hot car lot there. Right.

Is that Dick Miller with her? I think it is. Yes. Oh, right. Oh, the legendary Dick Miller. Yeah, dude. Great. Great scene.

The junkyard scene. So, and like, frenzy. friends, that guy fucking, he kills three agents on Air Force One and there's nothing. I don't even know why. Oh, by the way, he hides as the Air Force

One Boombox and people are moving around. Like, oh my God, oh, the Air Force One boom box. Let me just put that under the scene. We get a shitty because of 2007 and we were all sick of George W. Bush at this point. We got a fucking shitty W. Joke. Yeah, he's got a fake

cameo. You see his like red socks. So he's, like, laying in bed watching something. And then he's like, oh, can somebody get me a ding-dong? And it's like, beep-a-do, a piece of baby, not a psychopathic fucking piece of shit that's destroying the world. That's always a fun joke, right? It's like, oh, he's such a dumb little baby. He's not a capitalist fuck killing everybody. Everyone loves him now after you, if you're in the Internet.

Time heals all wound, Derek. Apparently. All you have to do is make a couple of cute but shitty paintings. It fixes everything. Also, you know. Also, just not tweet. I think it's a great idea. But speaking of fucking famous conservatives,

John Voight is the Secretary of Defense. Oh. The best thing about John Voight is he comes in, first of all, anyone catch him saying robot in this movie? Yes. That's nice. He's the only one, everyone's saying robot or transport. He's saying robot.

Like it's a fucking Jack Wharton on the Twilight Zone. I think that was like meant to be like, Michael Bay was just like, say robot because you're a dumb old man. No, he guaranteed just says that. Really? I think that is he's a dumb old man. I think Michael, but I also think Michael Bay's direction for all his actors is talk stupid. Like that's what Megan Fox is being forced to do here. Dumber.

Dumber. Can you give me that, but dumber? Dumb it down, please. Isn't George Lucas famous for saying bigger? If that's his direction is just to do it bigger. Mark, could you do that? Bigger, please. Thank you.

Bigger. Sabalba, bigger. Bigger subalba. Let's just pause for a second. We've got to tape subalba down a little bit. All right, car. I'll get his little legs. Do da, da, do da, do da, da, da, tape.

Oh, the shark is coming apart, Stephen. Mind of fun of tape him up a bit. Oh, my. I got a little sarlac in my pants. Oh man, I went to Tape Guy's house And he's got a little weird porn A lot of weird porn at Tape Guy's house I think some of those girls actually died

Pretty sure that was all nitrate too Hey, tape guy, is this strictly legal What we're watching? I'm getting uncomfortable here, buddy Yeah, I'll take another hitcher Can we talk about when Shilabove goes to a party That he's not invited to? Oh, my.

This is all so uncomfortable, but his whole thing is his so his mentality is like car equals pussy like that's his whole thing he's like all right i got the car now i just got to go get the girl well the girl it's not anybody it's megan fox specific you have to i've been obsessing over you for years and years and years why is this something we love in movies like the guy that just will not stop it's so well the terminator movies are great determination man, that's all it takes. Movies love to reinforce the idea of persistence.

Like, no, it's not, there's nothing wrong with you ever. No, no, you're perfect. Yeah. You just got to convince her. She's dumb. No means not now in most movies. Yeah. It's crazy.

But the thing is, he's also a maniac in this movie because he is talking to himself like a fucking looney tune. Absolutely. It's terrifying. He's just sitting in a car and we're going to do this, we're going to do that. And like, no one is there. And bumblebee's like, I'm getting a little. weirded out, man. My theory, by the

way, is that his buddy in this movie who's uncomfortably played by the kid from Elephant. Oh, okay. I think that dude's imaginary. Oh, really? Because they're like, hey, you fucking loser, what are you doing over there? And it's like, Shailabov standing there. And this kid's, like, climb in a tree.

And he's like, get out of that tree. Don't embarrass me. Get out of that tree. What are you doing? You're embarrassing me. I think you're right. That guy's not real. I think you're right. That guy's fucking fake. Maybe it's his best friend who, like, died a year ago. Oh, and he never got. Oh, that could be.

And well, because then he's like, he's like, I have to give Megan Fox because she like gets in a fight with her boyfriend because he's all like, oh, come on, you're my little bunny or whatever. She's like, I'm not your bunny. I'm going to walk home. And he's, Shail LeBuff's like, oh, my God, she lives exactly 10 miles from here. I could give her a ride. Get out of the car. Get out of the car. And then that kid is out of the movie.

Yeah. I think that kid's fucking fake. That makes a lot of sense. I agree with you. I think you're on to something. And this is when we get the good jokes in the quotation marks of like Bumblebee like Because apparently like some somehow in the transportation process his voice box gets ripped out So he can't speak so he has to speak through radio songs and stuff oh boy that's fun

It is and it's like he drives up to Megan Fox and who's gonna take you home starts playing And then at some point she tries to leave oh that's a great song like how is he even how is he getting all this music. I think he downloaded. I think he did like a Milo Jovovich from, yes. Dude, dude, he's abusing Napster. The Napster download. You don't know what Napster is. Ask your grandparents what Napster is. No, I think he were limewire straight up, man. Oh, I think this was post that, man, 2007. We're not even, Khazah. Yeah. I believe that was. Kazah was the all spark at the time. In 2007, though? Yeah, dude. Still. Here comes Khazah. He is is also a boom box.

No, because he also has, like, clips of John Wayne because it's a Michael Bay movie. Yes, I think it's a thing where he's just able to pull because he's a robot from space. Like, you got all the broadcasts from everyone. He pulled him Milo Jovovich from Fifth Element. He downloaded all of it. Or it's, like, in contact

when they start sending back, like, footage of Hitler. Yeah, oh, man, that blew up in their face. Or it's like in the jerky. I'm sorry. No, I was going to say it was going to be cool if, like, Bumblebee played Hitler's speeches. to rally everybody. I was going to say it's like in the jerky boys

when it's stupid. Oh, yes. Oh, the jerky boys. Is that a state too? Oh, my God. What if he was doing? He was doing Saul Rosenberg for him. I was like, I love these jerky boys' tapes.

What's that bumblebee? I don't know. I'm Saul Rosenberg. Oh, my God. What are you trying to communicate, robot? It's insane that people used to answer their phones. Right? Like, think about that.

Yeah, that was, dude, every time you picked up the phone, you were at risk of being jerked around. Oh, man. I did my fair share of prank calls as a child. Oh, so did I, dude. Of course you did. You always thought you were being hilarious.

Yeah, but you were. It was funny to one person. Just you. Yeah. That's all that matters, right, everyone? But also, like, the obsession of listening to, like, the real masters of the prank. The jerky boys, man.

Let's still find those on YouTube. Like the soundboard ones, dude. I had CDs of the jerky boys. They were a fucking phenomenal. I mean, they had a major motion picture. But there was another group. I don't remember what they're... Stay tuned, by the way, for that.

Yes. I don't remember. Do you guys remember there was another... It was like the next biggest jerky boy? The bridge between this and cranky anchors. Yes. I forget what it is. Yeah, but then cranky anchors, I think, kind of ruined it.

That was the overexposure of prank phone calls. Oh man Thanks a lot Crankancers Now we got Puppets doing it I remember When it was just about

The jerkin Dude dude Yeah When it was pure When it was just about Just audio Like what do I have to watch stuff for Man

Why can't I just be homophobic On a fucking On a little sketch dude The attendance at like The prank calling festivals Must have like Dropped significantly And they are all shit talking

Crankankers They made it too big man They made it too big. Crank anchors destroyed us all. So, I mean, like, a lot of stuff happens that doesn't really matter. It's a lot of just Shilobov talking to himself trying to, like, he takes Megan Fox home. He does actually say, like, oh, there's more to you than meets the eye, which everyone in the audience is elbowing the guy next to him. Do you know what that means?

Well, you sure are pretty and more. What is this? You're more than a body. Well, because that's like... You're more than a mouth. Right? Tape guy. I don't think so. Oh, tape guy.

By the way, anybody sees Zodiac? It's my favorite movie. Well, because she also... It's one of those, like, weird exchanges where... I mean, I don't remember what the dialogue is, but it's basically like, you know... She asks him, like, what do you think you know about me?

Or, you know, whatever, and he's... This is the more than me. It's the I think. But it's one of those, like, I fucking studied. you for years. And we have that dumb gag where she's like oh, are you new to school this year? Actually, we've been in school

together since the first grade. No, you know what you say? You say yes. Brand new. Just become a new person. Like, obviously old you doesn't work. Why are you going to try to remind her that like, oh yeah, you never noticed me for like 15 years? I was so lonely. I've just

been saving up all this tape. Waiting. There's, uh, later, When shit starts getting real, Shilobu's on a bike, and Megan Fox is eating at Burger King? She's just like sitting down, Megan Fox having Burger King. Outside Burger King dine in. Yeah, let me tell you something. If there's one person who's not consuming chicken fries, it's Megan Fox in this movie or otherwise.

Or the double whopper. No. None of it. None of it. She's never had anything flame broiled, I don't think. And I think that she's better off for it. Of course. That just means cancer.

Yeah, exactly. Oh, you want your cancer patties? Oh, well, we'll call them flame royal. Those black marks. No, that's just pure cancer. It's cancer dusted. Yeah, he does, like he's, well, this is after he sees. So bumblebee, it like sneaks off in the middle of the night.

It's this whole awkward thing where he's like, my car is being stolen. And this is kind of funny. I started thinking about how much do these parents actually care about this kid because he wakes up in the middle of the night and starts screaming

because he thinks the car is being stolen he's running around the house screaming and yelling in the middle of the night these two they don't wake up they're just waiting

for college man oh big time and I mean you remember Kevin Dunn when we'll get to it yeah stay tuned to stay tuned next week for part two

he's very relieved when this is all because he's ready to fuck that wife every day every room with that way oh yeah well Kevin done

definitely fighting above his weight in the wife department in this movie as we always are. Absolutely. Well, that's how it works. She's an attractive old woman and he's Kevin Dunn. He's kind of like one of the better parts of this movie.

He is Kevin Dunn. He's Top Gunn's Kevin Dunn. Kevin Dunn is very fucking funny. He's very funny on Veep. Hot shots, Kevin Dunn. Yeah, hot shots. Yeah, he's not top. Oh yeah, the thinking man's top gun.

Oh yeah, I always get Kevin Dunn and Michael Ironside Switch Top. Yeah. You know what? They'll trick you, Chris. You'll get confused. But so, yeah, he's screaming and yelling about this, and he chases after him or whatever. And so this is where he's bumblebee's at, like, a junkyard.

And he sends a signal, like, up into the sky. And this is where he's like, all clear Autobot buddies come down to Earth and whatnot. And then so then we cut to space and there's like five little gleep-glop fart things. And this is my question, though, like, why aren't you looking like the robot while you're traveling through space? What do they even look like? They're like little metal balls or something. It's weird. They'll look like little like asterisk.

All right, Autobots, ball form. We're going to space. Get looking like a ball. Ball up. A bunch of balls. All right, Autobots, curl up and let's disc it. Jiggle balls. Balls, jiggle.

It's this whole crazy thing. Oh, good, they have cars on this planet. look like those. Dibs on the oil rig. With cool flames on it. Oh, man, just turning into cars. What is going on? Well, what's going on

is everybody thinks Shilabuff is crazy because he's running around like my fucking car turned into a robot and then he gets arrested for trespassing. This whole sequence takes forever and it's a character actor who's in a bunch of stuff. The dude from Justified. Yeah.

And he's fine, but he just is taken up air in this movie because he's like really having fun and Michael Bay is letting this guy riff. It's like, oh, you know, what are you doing? Gooseball, you know, goofballs, ballad of... Goof balls, uppers, reds, what are you doing? And I'm like, this doesn't belong in this movie. Two robots have not fought yet.

It's been 45 minutes. What the fuck am I doing here? I timed it, by the way, because we're not even there yet. But this movie does not have an Autobot-Fited Decepticon until we're talking 52 minutes. That's nuts. I fucking bought a ticket for exactly that. There's that cop car that's following him around for a while.

Barricade. Barricade is the cop car. By the way, did you see where it's supposed to serve and protect? It actually says to punish it enslaved. Oh, what? Which is, you know, I don't know. I guess he's just ahead of his time. Decepticotone police. He's just a cop ahead of his time.

It's fine. But 52 minutes, transferring this to like boob comedy runtime, that's like after all the fun stuff has happened and we realize we need to put on a talent show. Exactly, because at 52 minutes, I mean, we got to fucking save Chuggulaghouse. Exactly. Like, we've done all the pranks we're going to do.

Yeah. The band has kind of broken up at this point. Big time. We have to get everybody together to do the talent show and or car wash or whatever it is. And that's the first time the thing you came for

is happening in Transformers. I don't even know what the point of the movie is at 52 minutes. I don't know what anybody's fucking. I'm waiting around for some fucking the thing that the thing was to happen they should have got rid

of the whole military The military thing is nothing Anthony Anderson and all that We haven't even talked about him and Rachel Taylor Because it makes no sense Just focus on Sam Whitwiki Which by the way

Apologies to any Whitwikis out there But what an annoying name for a movie character Just focus on the high school angle And then make oh this crazy thing happens to him They're just jamming down this fucking shit down our throat. The military, I almost understand because it's Michael Bay and he wants to jerk off to the military, which is his own business. And that's, you know, that's what you do.

But then make it that movie. Make it like a private in the Middle East and make the movie revolve around to him. You can't have it both ways. And then the, the, the Anthony Anderson, uh, Rachel Taylor cut is the absolute worst part of this movie. It's awful. And I love Anthony Anderson two pieces and it's awful. And I like Rachel Taylor in Jessica Jones.

He's great. He's great. To pieces? Do you like? I love her to pieces. I'm going to tape up Rachel Taylor's pieces. I would love her pieces. I'll put your back together.

You would look good in my refrigerator. And I will fix you. Hey, Rachel Taylor, want to watch some movies at my house? Oh, don't do it, Rachel. That shit's weird. Tape it up, George. I've got George Lucas taped up in my basement. God, if only tape man had struck earlier.

But, yeah, she's like an Australian hacker in this movie for some reason. It's a group of people. It's her. It's Tom Lank from Buffy and Angel. And then eventually Anthony Anderson gets involved in this whole thing. Because they're trying to figure out who hacked the system and nobody cares. It's unnecessary. And also, John Dutura hasn't even showed up yet.

He doesn't show up until an hour into the movie. and he's a main fucking character like what on earth are we doing is he in the other movies oh yeah oh prominently placed you get some prime I'm pretty sure he's in the last one too he works for sector seven which is I guess the

the men and black kind of race the Info Wars division I guess X-Files started by Herbert Hoover oh yeah yeah yeah right about that because they built the Hoover Dam

over to Wait, Hoover Dam is named after Jagger Hoover, not Herbert Hoover? No, well, no, Herbert Hoover is said to be part of this original seven. He was the one because Michael Bank cares about history. I was asleep during this, but... When they're like, oh, we got this gigantic robot buried underground,

you're like, oh, where are you? And they start explaining everything about the original seven and it's Herbert Hoover building a dam. And you're like, oh, the fucking Hoover Dam. Oh, that's cute. You know what? Herbert Hoover died today because he saw an 80-foot robot. That's what happens. Herbert Hoover had a fucking fat guy heart attack because he saw a 90-foot robot.

Exactly. It said that his last words were, fuck. Oh, what the fuck? That's Herbert Hoover's death. Like, if you can put it on a tombstone, in quotation marks, you'd somehow write out, Oh! Here, Mr. President, here's a sepia photograph of a 90-foot fucking robot. It's real, by the way.

And that was the noise he made as his chest. seized instantly at the sight of a 90-foot fucking robot from space and then it talked it sounded like Hugo weaving which is odd that's weird

anyone see that Frank Welker got ousted from this movie What? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop the podcast. What happened? So Welker did the voice of Megatron in the original A, obviously. Your goddamn right he did.

And most of the other cars I would imagine do. Hey, Frank, how many cars can you do? I'm going to whirr Beep, beep So he did Megatron And in the cartoon

In the cartoon And Peter Cullen Who did Optimus Prime Was brought back Yeah, that fucker got cast And they were like Well, Welker should show up Show back up

And now there's two There's two different reports One was on IMDB One was on Wikipedia One I think it was on IMDB It's like Yeah

Frank Welker was busy With other projects He couldn't do it Nope That's a false report Oh yeah I'm sorry Oh, I can't do the summer blockbuster.

I have to do four scared cats tomorrow. Sorry. Oh, geez, I'm sorry. I can't participate in this major multi-million dollar motion picture because I have to voice four dogs getting into a garbage can. Yeah, I can't voice this major motion picture because you know the sound of the wind all through the world? That's me.

I'm doing it at all times. Yeah, you know, I'd love to, but scrappy-do calls. And the other one is Michael Bay. didn't think the voice was right, so he wanted to get somebody with more gravitas, a.k.a. Hugo. That's the one. That's the one.

I couldn't even tell that was Hugo weaving. But that's the thing. It's so modified. Who cares? The modulation is outrageous for all of these voices anyway. So what the fuck are you talking about? Just get Little John to do it. Little John does it. Timberlake produces the audio track

for... Suddenly, I'm liking the movie a little more. That's true. Okay. Yeah. that bumblebee should have done that he had to respond in an affirmative okay well they had to convince Michael Bay

not to do that for jazz oh absolutely jazz voiced by the dude who played Eddie in Family Matters did I already say that no I don't think I was just talking about it originally you know who did the voice in the movie and other things Keith David

Scatman Cruthers no and he Darius McRae said that he felt the voice of Scatman Cruth no you didn't know he just not No, that's a load of garbage.

Eddie Winslow? Do you think Eddie Winslow is sitting out of bed watching Transformers and he got a shining moment? His eyes got really wide. Yes. And he saw all the money he was going to make for this movie? Totally. Doing this, I think he's more like the opening of apocalypse

now on the bed with the fan. It's also kind of weird to name him jazz. It's very weird. Is another black guy got to come along and they call him blues? It's just so. So fucking terrible. His first line is what's going on, bitches or something, right?

Am I wrong? It's something like that. And, you know, adhering to the bullshit, you know. Hey, Jazz, where did you pick up that dialogue? That kind of doesn't make any sense that we're all aliens. Yeah, no, yeah, where did you learn this jargon?

Exactly. But in true, like, bullshit movie fashion, by the way, the first fucking robot to get it is the black guy, he's fucking torn it in half. He's ripped in half. Half. My God. It's just stupid. So all the Autobots show up.

And they meet Shilabuff and what you call it? And so let's say, hang on. So who we got? We got obviously Optimus Prime. Bumblebee. Jazz. Who else? The rest of them. I believe it's Iron Hyde. Iron Hyde. Who's like a tough guy. He's the

weapons guy. And then there's... Is he the one that's trying to kill his parents? Sam's parents? I think he is. Yeah. And then there's Ratchet who is like the medic. Yes, which when Optimus Prime is like laying out like the paladin, right? Optimus Prime? Huh? He's the paladin? Yes, yes.

Yes, yeah, no. Democratic paladin. Who's the mage? I think that's maybe Bumblebee? I don't know. Yeah, that sounds right. It's not a great party, I'll be honest. But he's like, God.

Oh, you nerds. No, when Optimus Prime is like laying this all out and he's like, yeah, this is hermetic. I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? Do you mean car mechanic? Fucking medics, shut up. Why wouldn't he say mechanic? Yeah. Or something like that.

That's an opportunity for a gag right there. Solid yuck. Ratchet just takes out a huge scalpel and a huge sewing kit. When Jazz gets ripped at him. I'm going to fix you. There is, by the way, there is no effort made to save that robot. Oh, no, he's just dead at the end of the movie. Oh, who died?

Oh, is it just jazz? Fuck it. Who cares? Yeah. Sorry, I can't help you, Optimus. That's a pre-existing condition. Yeah, right, guys? Yeah, political humor.

Woo, woo, woo, woo, yeah. Oh, here comes my one-star iTunes review. We've already got it. But so the idea is like, oh, Mr. Whitwicky, we have to go back and get those glasses that you got on eBay. And these fucking robots are so impatient. Yep. Because he's like, our robot buddies, we're all friends now.

I'm going to drive to my house I'm going to go get the glasses Give me like 20 minutes Give me like 20 minutes I swear to God I'll be right out We're all buddies out Okay Mr. Whitwicky By the way

What about them glasses Yo dude those glasses Hey Mr. Whitwicky Grass gas or ass Let's move it already Yeah dude he fucks him Hey hey Those glasses

What the glasses They turn into robots And they're like Out of his window Like tapping on it Like it just taking longer than three minutes. And this is what I was talking about

when their mentality changes and all of a sudden they're a fucking robot car comedy team. They're babies. They're a bunch of fucking big big robot babies. Fucking wandering around this house. There's a stupid gag about Kevin Dunn

is really particular about his lawn and uh oh here comes robots walking on his lawn and they like break a thing and a transformer blows by the way and Kevin Dunn's like up a transformer blue and then all the, you hear like a real shuffling in the audience, it's all the elbows.

You just hear an echo of, what a weird sound for elbows to make. Bumblebee's getting his mouth off one of the other transformers pipes. That's a good question. I'm sorry. Lips. Why do these, like, because they fuck each other, in the cartoon, they just,

because they're just like robotic voices, they don't need lips to make the noises. No, we need lips to talk. Yeah, well. Robots do not. Well, they do now, because they also, like, do sensual kisses. They kiss each other on the mouth? They do.

And they're also the most complex characters on the screen, so they should be able to talk. It's not just, it's not just lips, though, because, like, they've got, like, things that look like eyebrows. Yes. Like, they have facial expressions. Yeah. What the fuck do I think they always had a nose, maybe? I feel like, I don't know. He had, like, a shield face.

Some of them had mouths, but they did me a great mouth. He kind of looked like shredder, actually. Yeah, he did look like shredder. He definitely did. And also, like, the way you can do it with animation is just like, it's a rectangle that lights up in a pattern that mimics. I would prefer that speech. But this is a Michael Bay thing, because mine, may I only just bring up. Bumblebee hips or lips.

Fucking splinter in those teenage mutant ninja turtle movies where it has to be a photorealistic depiction of what a rat human would look like. I just threw up in my mouth because I remembered splitter in those movies. With the dark eyes. The turtles, the turtles have lips in those movies. Also, it's the same thing. We don't need lips. I mean, it's fine. Look, we got to get lips on them because who knows who's sucking what and when.

Exactly. They're going to start kissing. Bumblebee, I want to kiss you on the mouth, Bumblebee. Bumblebee. Yes, Bumblebee, put your lips upon my lips. Discharge your oil into my crevice. I did notice that Optimus Prime several times in this movie has what could only be like a front shirt pocket

A little pocket protector Did you notice this though There's so many times where he's like Putting something Like if he has to like hide something And I'll just put this here for now Yeah no it's weird I've got pockets bumblebee

Oh when I get the glasses I'm going to just quick put them in front here Edge these between my tires No he's just playing pocket pool dude This that's just where his fucking I'm secretly jerking off My self-lubricating piston is located in what you would call

a pocket. Flicking my metallic bean. Oh, yeah, yeah, yep, yep, yep, I'm playing with the nut. All right, now that no one's listening. Yeah, of course. This is Chris Cabin's actual phone number.

Okay, it's 718. 3-1, no. So, actually, by the way, in this dumb-ass backyard scene that we've got here... It goes on forever. You know what, Steve? You can't pack enough laughs into this movie.

there's one part where he steps on this fountain that we'd seen Kevin Dunn working on earlier in the movie and Shia LaBuff's like, yo, my fountain! And he goes, oh, sorry, my bad. And I was like, shut up, Optimus Prime. And it's like, who could care?

Because, I mean, then we go inside and it's like his parents think he's masturbating and we have a lot of fun with that. That just goes on. And then, like, his mother sees Megan Foxxas, you're gorgeous. Oh, my God, I hope you were sucking my son's dick. It's just like what on earth?

lady. It's like a really bad version of that pump up the volume scene. Yes. It's exactly the same thing. But it's just awkward because she's like, oh, I hope you didn't hear too much of our family conversation. I was like, family conversation, you're accusing this kid of jerking off. It's like Sam's Happy Time.

Oh, right. Yeah. Oh, please. And you know, what's fucking crazy too is when he's like, he's like, mom, don't say masturbating. Don't talk like that. And Kevin Dunn's like, yeah, that's like father's son talk. I was like, I don't talk to my dad about jerking

off. What the fuck are you talking? Never have, never will. You're the only one in the world that hasn't. Everyone talks to their fathers about jerking off all the every one of them. Everyone, if you don't if you're listening and you don't, you're weird. I mean, you send your dad an email right now letting him know that when you jerk off.

Yeah, I give him status reports. How long how long, you know, in time and in what brand of lubricant? For sure. You got to talk to your dad about that stuck. It's me tape guy. My dad blocked me on Facebook.

Hey, dad, it happened again. I guess I'm a chatterbox. So, we get, now we're talking, 77 minutes, because I paused it, right? 77 minutes into this movie, kicking down the door is John Totoro. We are, if we're in the boob comedy, we're already on Washington. water skis at the end. Like, literally, we're on water skis on our way to the beach. And, like, the rich guy is, like, already jumping on his hat because he's so mad about it. Exactly right. All the town's police department are all tied up around the same tree.

Yes. In Star Wars, we're like already at Yavinfor. Exactly. We've seen, we've met mon fucking motha ma'am already. Because this is longer than Star Wars. All these are, I think. Oh, they, they, they're better than Star Wars. This is, is this not the shortest one? This is the short as one. I don't know about the runtime of last night yet. I don't think it's been released at the time of this recording. I assume it's four hours on the thought. Is Ken Burns editing these things?

Dude, they get incrementally longer with each movie. I cannot believe that. It's like 223, part two is two and a half, part three is like 245. Jesus. They tricked Anthony Hopkins for that last one. I'm convinced. You don't have to trick Anthony Hopkins. Well, I mean, what's he been doing lately besides Westworld?

Making the money, getting the paper, my friends. I guess so. Having a little fun. Maybe I'm just disappointed. But it's just like this movie. The car turned into a person. And that's when we knew that Autobots were good and Decepticons were bad. Oh, you're doing Ken Burns.

Oh, okay. I was like, this is a weird Anthony Hopkins. I was confused for a second, too. But, no, well, because, oh, man, Anthony Hopkins in this new movie's got a be like, that was a time when fucking autobots hung out with King Arthur. You should just do his road to

Wellville, Cook. I think he's playing Winston Churchill. No. No, he's playing some scientist or something. I'm not sure about it. I am because I looked up the castles Churchill, frozen and ice. Is that what you're saying? Well, in this movie, they're also

saying that the Transformers were part of King Arthur's fucking circle. There comes a time when robots have to turn into cars and cars need to turn into romance. That last night movie is about King Arthur. Are you fucking shitting me right now? It presupposes that

the Transformers were around on earth. Was Gala had an acronym? Yes. The Transformers were on earth prior to Megatron crash landing in the Arctic. Did they turn it to horses at that point? What are we talking about?

Dude, I don't know, but in the preview and whatnot, It's like one of them's got a sword. Yeah, they're taking out their swords. Castles. I guarantee you there's no such thing as castles. There's a swastika in that trailer, man. What? Yeah, oh, yeah.

Yeah, also the World War II shit is a hitter. Holy what? We'll see you guys in about four weeks. We'll have a conversation. We'll talk about swastika's in four weeks. Mark it down. Four weeks till an awkward conversation. Tatar shows up.

He's like, hi, by the way, I'm in this movie. I'm instantly urinated upon. Yeah, he gets pissed. on everybody gets pissed on it's really hot and like he arrests everybody we start finding out that Megan Fox's dad was a criminal and I'm like show me the exit

how do I leave how do I get out of my own house and it's yeah like Tuturo's got like inside information on all these people is the idea and he's like oh yeah so how about your father's parole's coming up yeah you want that to happen yeah get in this van you stole my

old spark and you know I love John Totoro and clearly he's having fun in these movies but it is an outright obnoxious character. This is his professor Snape. This is like my kids' college fund forever. Sure. I'm ready for it. You think he's making money on quiz show?

No, he makes money on all of these movies. He's certainly not making money on the movies he's directing Eep. Did that Big Labaski spinoff thing ever come out? It's coming out. They're... I think it's by the end of this year. It's shot. I mean it's... Is that the Coins or no? No, it's him.

He's directing the offshoot of a of Coen brothers' movies. And it's a remake of a French movie. It's a lot of stuff. Some of it's shot near by where I live. Oh, really? Very excited. Ooh, yes.

It's hometown on the big screen. Yeah, see it on the screen. Actually, speaking of my father of the hero, it's a remake of a Gerard Depardue movie. Oh, wow. What? And it's just the Jesus character from Bisla-Boski? Gerard-Depardtoo movies are all him being

called going places, I believe. Sex offenders. That's all he's ever played. plain, right? Dominic Strauss Khan, the father, and my father of the hero, other things. Porthos from the three. Oh, yeah, that musketeer was a fucking

sex offender. Definitely, dude, man. That's why they call the three musketeers, even though there's four of them, they just don't count porthos. Yeah, no, because he's like totally disgusting. Pull up in a van with some candy bars, yeah. So we do finally, like everybody gets arrested. Bumblebee gets arrested at this. Oh, he gets

put into chains. And they immediately start zapping his balls like instantly it's like oh we got an alien go for the nutsack dude well listen i'm kind of on their side you have this big gigantic alien robot thing shock it into submission you got at least find where it's nuts are you know what i mean like shock it around until you find the part that really hurts and i guess the heart of this movie is like shylobuff like getting cry eyes because oh my god the brutality against bumblebee oh i could care less who cares first of all that guy's 26 years old. He shouldn't give his shit. Bumblebee, I just

learned just now that he's apparently like 7,000 years old. So fuck him, man. He's had a good run. He has zapped those balls till those lights go out. I didn't realize his name was Lancelot, Sir Lancelot. So fucking go to town. He's done, man.

He's had enough. And it's not even like he's going to die. They're freezing him. That's what's happening. They're just freezing. He'll live another 7,000 years when he's on frosted. He's a car that can't talk which makes him just a car. Right. Sorry. Yeah. By the way, of Bumblebee, he

is the shitty first Camaro but then like, I think Megan Fox is like, this is a shitty car. And then like he kicks everybody out and then the Kill Bill music starts playing, which is a lot of fun. And then he gets it to do, and then it's a Camaro commercial, which is fun. Yeah.

It's so much fucking fun. It's so much fucking fun. These movies are so much fucking fun. Oh man you know you just got to turn your brain off and not you know it's not you're one of your pretentious movies. Why can't we just have fun at the movies? I can't

I can't but this is not fun. I can't have fun at the movies. This is not fun. This is not fun. This is boring and terrible. It's two and a half. If this movie was a solid two hours and there was a lot more robot fighting I'd be okay with it. I'd be like sure that's a totally fine movie to like I like I it's one of those nerd wheelhouses that I don't get, but I'm not on a high horse

about it, but I also don't need two and a half hours of anything. Well, that's the thing. You said, like, it's a Michael Bay movie, so it does need the military thing. But what else always has to go with Michael Bay's military thing is proving that the military is great, and the government is shit.

So there's a whole component of this movie now has to be the government is shit. Wait, this is what? I just found out that the military's part of the government. Oh, my... It happened. My brain is gone. There is a scene It's blown. I mean, again, we're an hour

and 20 minutes into this movie. John John Voight sits down with this other guy and he's like, do you know that there were transformers on Mars? And I'm like, are you ever loving getting me? You know what? Show me that movie instead. Yeah. I said it with Alien versus Predder. I just want to see

Mars lately, but send it like a NASA mission to Mars and then they suddenly uncover a fucking Tonka truck up there. FYI, that's kind of the plot of the third movie acceptance with the moon see I haven't seen any of these

but like that is what this if you want like talk about a movie like that stupid final fantasy movie oh the spirits within I saw that in theaters this movie should just be

the fucking 90 minutes of them on the moon fucking fighting each other that should be the whole thing none of this shit well apparently there's a lot of different drafts of the script weirdly obviously

that's a real shock well one of them was mostly about the robots, which A, I want to see that movie. Hey, great idea. A script for Transformers that's mostly about the Transformers. The second one, which is actually kind of interesting, the robots don't

talk. Like, they were like, oh, it would be too silly. Because it is, to be quite honest, whenever fucking Optimus Prime starts going on about what freedom is, I'm like, you're a fucking car, man. I'd like both of those ideas, combine them, make it just about the robots, and they can't fucking

talk. Oh, it's a silent film. Yes. Well, you know, here's the thing. You get to hear explosions. Some decisions being made about the robots talking are fine with me. For the most part, like Optimus Prime is okay. When he starts talking about freedom, yeah, whatever. But when you have jazz and he's like, hello, baby! And you're like, shut the fuck up.

You can't do that. You just can't have it. Can't be done. Like, you can have it. There should all be a little monotone. Like, why is Optimus Prime like down to business and everyone else is like, I'm a fun bot? Yeah. And one of them, I think it's like maybe Ratchet.

one of them's like, oh, hello, I'm a robot. What the fuck are you talking about? In England, what space England are you from? Iron Hyde is agro, like, everywhere. Yeah. And he's like, oh, he wants to, like, kill their parents or whatever, and I'm like, go for it. Can you imagine that?

Kevin Dunn, just getting pulled limb from limb. It'd be pretty cool. Natural born killers, you don't see it, but there's an Autobot just off screen. That would be awesome. That would teach him to be. cheap. Yeah. Wait, so that was the second idea? Well, yeah, it was

just like, oh, they don't talk because it's... And, like, Roberto Erke and Alex Kurtzman were like, it's really silly when they talk. That was the original thing, and Spielberg was like, he did the finger thing means the money, and they're like, oh, okay, sure. I just don't think that that movie would be feasible. No, I don't think you're watching that, you'd be

like, this is weird. Well, it would be dull. It would be duller. Well, because also they fucking talk in the cartoon, so... That's what we're talking. That's the property. Like, that's what we're doing here. Sorry. Yeah, that's the thing you're trying to adapt so you can't cut that part out. But lips are no. Lips are an absolute no. A no on lips.

Get the shield face. I'm fine. Why the fuck did you think you needed lips? Because it's quote unquote realistic. In the sequels, do they like, does any of the robots fuck anyone or like humans? Do humans fuck robots? Well, there is yes, one of the women is like

a robot in the college, whenever he's at college. The girl he's after turns into. Oh, that's right. I can't wait for that next week. There's like a shapeshifter and like his lady friend is a robot. Oh, I forgot about that. Does she like kiss up on Optimus's lips?

No, no, no. Like it's like Shia LeBuff's. No. Yes. I want to see a robot. Because it's a weird like he goes to college and Megan Fox like doesn't go to college with him. But then there's this like new babe on campus. But then that babe turns out to be a robot.

Oh, that's scary. A decepticon as it turns out. Yeah. Or maybe like fucking all-sparking. park on then, man. The tribe before the Decepticons, the perfatacons, I don't even know. Well, that's the other thing, because I was on Wikipedia,

it's like, because we learn all these character names, especially the Decepticons. It's like, you get like bone crusher and Star Scream and whomever else. And they're like, well, this was part of this Decepticon faction. And that was part of like, and it's like, you know what, dude? Oh, my God.

I don't have, there's a none. Here's a card analogy for you. Hit the brakes. Fucking pack up. up camp. Maybe they just go home. Maybe they just fight. Maybe they're just robots. So robots from space. We go to the Hoover Dam. Bumblebee is getting fucking

like zapped it all shit. Absolutely. We meet Megatron who is frozen. We see the AllSpark, which is there. I mean, like there's a lot of military stuff we're not going to get into because that stuff just goes on forever. Nobody could care. It's not a story. And the hacking stuff is not a story. It's not a story. Rachel Taylor and like

Anthony Anderson are like being afraid that they're going to go to jail. I'm like, who are these people? We don't know anything. I mean, there was a whole sequence where she goes to Anthony Anderson's house, and he's there playing DDR with his cousin. Yeah. And then, like, the kid from old school, by the way.

Yes, that is the kid from old school. He's uncredited in this movie. That's unfair. And so then, like, you know, the cops, like, raid because, like, Anthony Anderson starts, like, you know, using the hacked material or whatever that she's stolen. And it's this whole thing about, like, police in the house. And it's just like, this is not part of this fucking fighting robot movie. On top of all that, there's a stuff.

there's a Steve Sadek special where Anthony Anderson is in the thing is in an interrogation room like I'm going to talk I'm going to be fine don't worry I'm not going to say a thing I'm cool I am calm if I don't eat this plate of donuts they're going to think I'm guilty the interrogator comes in

she's the one she did it oh I would turn on all of you guys I'd be the first one you'd also eat those fucking donuts I'd eat the donuts and I'd turn on everybody that's right but it doesn't need to be in this movie and then it's a weird thing

because then the two of them team up with John Voigt and it's like a sub-national treasure movie. I'm asleep, by the way. I've been asleep for 15 minutes now. So we get to what I think is the, and nobody calls him out on this, the worst decision made in this movie

by Timothy Olifant's stunt double, Josh Dumel. I thought it was Timothy Olifax. Yeah, you would. I was like I always got some baby fat still. Little Timiola fan. Dumel was in Las Vegas. With Jimmy Con, you better believe it.

And I think the high watermark acting was, had I ever seen him do. Win a date with Tad Hamilton? Not specifically. No. He's in that Stephen King James Franco show as like a weird wife abuser. Stephen King James.

Oh, 11.20, 263? Yeah, he plays like the bad guy, the ex-husband or whatever. Okay. I only got through the first episode of that. He's good. He's, like, kind of scary. I was like, oh, wow, he's acting. That's a, I think, I don't read a lot of new Stephen King book these days, but that book is quite excellent. The series kind of fizzles out, but yeah, that's unfortunate. You know, we're supposed to direct that, by the way, is God bless him.

Jonathan Demi was supposed to do that. Oh, wow. Yeah, that would have been better. Yeah, most certainly would have. So, okay, so Josh Dumel is like, all right, we've got this goddamn All-Spark, and these evil-ass aliens are coming for it. You know what we should do to hide it? Let's go into a fucking hugely populated city. Why don't we just cover it with dead bodies? Let's just fucking bury it beneath

millions and millions and millions of corpses. Oh, there's a Laker game. Let's go to the fucking Coliseum, man. What a perfect place to get the corpses. The Coliseum, by the way. It's the fucking Staples Center. Staple-Sah. Yeah, sorry. No, no, they played the Nassau Coliseum.

Oh, my God. No, 2007. Shack wasn't on the team. That's a bummer. The Shack could take down a transformer back with his bare fucking hands. You better believe it. That's a fight I would like. That I would like to see. Now that you should see. That you should see.

That you should see. So they go to L.A. Yeah. And it was just like go to the desert. You're in, you're at the Hoover Dam. The desert is that away, pal. Totally. Oh, and there's tons of corpses in the desert.

Exactly. It's all just shallow grave. Just look for the vultures, man. And like that's, that's where you get. You bury it in the desert. Oh, wait, Joe Pesci Oh, wait, no, another Joe Pesci We're trying to bury this Allsburg

We keep coming across buried Joe Pesci's But like, yeah, just bury it in the desert If you're trying to hide it, oh, let's go to L.A. Well, at this point, the weird thing is To your Michael Bay point, Chris, which is The government is stupid, the military is smart And then the military, as everyone always hopes, usurps the government?

Like the military is like, it's our operation now, you fucking turd. Yeah, they're like, fuck you, John Tuturo. And then, like, John Boyce, like, you better do what they say. I'm just the secretary of defense. I surrender to your military coup. Exactly. Whatever you say, new president, Josh Dumel.

Oh, God, what a fucking dark timeline. But that's the thing, though, is like, there, John, after that military base attack, John Ford goes on television and is like, we don't know what happened. Yep. Yeah. He's just like, oh, hi, here's my press conference. We have no idea what happened. And I just realized. Hi, everybody. When I was calling out the fact, when it's called the secretary of defense. John Voidt's supposed to be the secretary defense in this movie. This movie also posits that fucking W is indeed present. So where the fuck was Don Rumsfeld? Why is John Voigt here? He was, um, Dom Rensfeld was eaten by a jeep. I wish. Oh, so John Voight's only been on the job a few days. Is that the idea? He was the dead. He was the deputy. That's why he's going on.

He's the interim. Yeah. We just have no idea what's going on here. Also in this movie, you definitely get, before we leave for L.A., some John Voight with a shotgun shooting at these robots. Because it's all of my characters that have no effect on this plot in one room. It's Anthony Anderson, John Duturo, John Voight, and Rachel Taylor. And they're like, oh, we need to get the code for some reason.

Oh, God. The Morse code thing. And he's like, I need to. use a computer monitor. Oh, Anthony Anderson, hot wires, a radio, and a computer. It's MacGyver bullshit. Ultimately, it's Scooby-Doo who finds the code. Well, ScrappyDue, actually. Well, then correct me if I'm wrong, though, because after we leave for L.A., aside from, like, John Voight and John Toturo, I mean, these hackers are out of the movie.

Goodbye. You don't even see if they, like, live happily ever after, if they get money, or if they don't care if they live or die. If the government kills them, which would probably definitely happen. Oh, yeah, you're just being, it's like a mass execution. Well, under, I would hope under Vice President Tyrese that they would be spared. So, I mean, whatever, man. We go to L.A., and it's instantly 75-9-11s because all these robots are fighting through buildings and whatnot. Yeah, Megatron does rip Jackson half, which we talked about, which is fucking vicious.

It's kind of great. It's the best part of the movie. It's, yeah. Yeah. It just murders this guy. Yeah, it's actually, it would have also served as a good agent Smith line. Yeah, oh, yeah. Had we kept making those.

Mr. Robot. Oh. Yeah, a little twit. Super twist. Super twist. Come to the USA Network. Mr. Jazz, I'm going to enact a stereotype. So, what are we thinking of the CGI?

It, like, it holds up enough, but it's still kind of. It's the only thing, like, I think this whole thing was built around. For being. 10 years old at this point, I think it looks pretty good. It looks good. It's mostly practical effects though, right? It's a lot of... Wait, these are real robots? No, no, I just mean like in terms of the car chases and stuff,

like a lot of that is... Yeah, we're throwing cars all over the point. It's kinetic. It's kinetic Michael Bay filmmaking, which he does well. But specifically, though, like the animation on the Transformers themselves, I think is still really good and holds up. Because robots are easy, right? Because there's no

flesh, you know what I mean? Like, you don't have to worry about flesh tones. It's not fucking Avatar. The character design is the problem. As we were saying with the lips and hips and beans and whatnot. This is the genesis point of they look like nothing. This is like because Avengers

takes they look like nothing, Guardians of the Galaxy, because they're just like gray. Like even though they're like bumblebee is yellow and Optimus Prime is red, but they kind of look like nothing. Yeah, they just they all are kind of interchangeable. There's especially... Iron has to jazz, I couldn't tell you what they look like at all. And most of the

Decepticons, I can't tell you what they look like at all. Especially the Decepticons, when they're in robot form, like obviously when one's a tank and one's a plane, you can figure it out. But like when they get into robots. You know what I prefer is seeing a tank and plane fight. Yeah. You know, it's like it's a war movie.

But they all, when they look like robots, though, they're all just silver robots. And they all look exactly the same. They're looking nothing. I don't know what the difference is, you know. So there is a thing in this movie where the AllSpark can turn random machines and devices sentient. Well, that's a Decepticon's plan

is they want, I think the Autobots want to repopulate their... The Autobots want to repopulate their world and the Decepticons want to create a new army on Earth. And the weird thing is the AllSpark makes everything into evil robots. No robot is like, hi, I'm a good robot again. Yeah, I was wondering about that because they use it on a phone, a Nokia phone, and it turns into it. It's like, and it's like shooting a gun.

It's a gremlin. And they're making gremlin noises. Yeah, they definitely are. But yeah, why is it just they're constantly evil? They fed electricity after midnight. Oh, you had this thing set to evil. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you let water get in this thing. Oh, boy.

It doesn't make sense. Nothing makes sense. Why, like, when you get the allsp-I, I almost said all-spice, the all-spark back to auto bot planet. How is that going to repopulate? Is it like, do you have machines there? Is that like the egg? Everyone's going to jizz on it? Or is it like the jizz and everyone's going to egg on it? We're like penguins. We have to go very far away and inseminate and then we die and then others live. It's all very confusing. It's a very confusing. Well, you know, we have a surplus of used cars here in America. So we send

them all to the moon and they get reanimated. Oh, that's right. Oh, they just, they reanimated. all our space garbage. And it's like Superman. He hucks it at the moon. And I mean like that, but yeah, we're in a populated, like the kind of get of this movie kind of really falls apart. Like, sure. At first we're like, oh, the glasses are going to lead us to the thing.

And then the thing becomes the thing. And then it's just Shia LeBuff running around this tiny cube, run like a football player. Yeah. And then like all of these little like a fucking mountain doom machine turns into an evil decepticon, which is, you know. And like kills this, this other woman's car like. kills her and everyone's laughing because she's a bitch what did I fall asleep at that part it's the all spark

gets this woman's car and she's like being nasty or something right and like her fucking steering wheel goes to her face it's the most grotesque part of any movie I've ever seen how they miss this I want to see this and it's just like ha ha tape guys like that's what you get that's what you get for not buttoning up you're gonna get taped I bet you want my tape now but yeah Here's my thing.

I was like, what fucking God planet is this where there's just a Mountain Dew only vending machine? God planet. What kind of utopian is this place? It's a lot. Nothing but Mountain Dew and Fruitopia machines.

I mean, it looked pretty cool. And Josh Dumel, his second bad idea is like, hey, hey, Shia LeBuff, you have to go to the top of this building. Yep. And then we're going to get it in a helicopter, then probably take it out of the city because whoops, that's turning out to be a really bad idea.

Well, at this point, isn't Shaila Booth like the Secretary of State? I think so, yeah. I think in the line of succession, yeah, there's also, I think what is the worst line of dialogue in this movie and talk about take your pick. But it's when Shilabu's like kind of like freaking out about having to run with this thing or whatever. And Josh Dumel's trying to like yell some sense into him. And he goes, no, you're a soldier now. I was like, bullshit. Nope.

Said every person who's ever trained to be a soldier ever. You're a fucking nerd with a cube. Totally. You're running with a thing under your arm. You've got a game cube under your arm. Like, congratulations. You're not a fucking soldier, you coward. He's like, coward!

So he runs to the top of the building and like, this is when Megatron's like, I can smell you, boy. And it's like, what? Maybe you shit his pants. Oh, yeah, that makes sense. He's just fucking carrying around a load in his drawers. And there's this thing where, like, Optimus Prime is like, well, if worst comes to worse, I'll put the all spark in my chest,

which will kill me, but deactivate the all spark. What a stupid thing. Shove it in my ass, Sam Whitwicky. Hey, Sam Witwiki, bend over and you'll show me. No, just take off the cap first, and then shove it. It is really weird, yeah. It's like chest fuck me. and then I'll die, but then everyone can live.

Sam, Whitwicky, have you ever seen the film Videodrome? Put it into my chest vagina. Call me James Woods and Megatron is Debbie Harry. And I will say, long live the new metal and shoot myself in the head. Speaking of new metal, by the way, this score gets outright terrible with the fucking fart guitar. Oh my god Barna-na-na-na-na-na-ch-na-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chchch- And it's like, you're watching and you're looking-ch-ch-chug-ch-chug-ch-chch-chch-chch-chchchchchch-the-ppoh. They should have had a little guy

on one of the robots, like in Fury Road playing the guitar. That would be cool. Yeah. So whatever, Samwood Wiki shoves the All-Spark into Megatron. well that's yeah that's the wrong guy like I was worried this would be bad like I don't know what's gonna do to Megatron even Optimus he's like no don't do that

put that in my chest vagina what are you doing Sam Wickwicky you fucked the wrong guy we don't all look the same no I'm Optimus Prime he's Megatron I have the cool flames down my chest here but the thing about it is like if you shove this thing into a robot

transformer And it would kill, it simultaneously kills that transformer and turns off the AllSpark. Why the fuck isn't the plan to shove it up Megatron's ass in the first place? Exactly. Put it in his mouth. What are you trying to hide it for? Just shove it up there. Put it past his beautiful lips and get it down his throat. It doesn't make any sense.

I'm pretty sure Megatron has teeth. Yeah, yeah, he does. You're right, he has sharp little teeth. It's really, it's like a metallic shark head. It's weird. What does he eat? That's a good question. I mean, he's got to have teeth.

That's how you evolve to have teeth. That's true. You know what? You're right. Maybe rocks. Oh, yeah. Nice moon rocks. Okay.

I'm eating rocks. Sam, Witwiki. Eating your annoying parents. That would be cool. Yeah, dude. Just bite him in half. Then get fucked by a cube. So, like, he's dead and whatever.

So then, like, the autobots are, like, trying to, you know, reconvene and just see what's going on. Somebody puts the two halves of jazz in front of Optimus Prime and he's like, ah, our fallen comrade will remember him well. Not really. It's kind of actually my second favorite line

of the movie because he just goes, ah, jazz. And they starts harvesting scraps. Oh, yeah. Well, I could use one of these. We will upload your consciousness up into the AllSpark and you will live forever. That's what they should do, right? They should develop a robot heaven.

Yes, I think, I mean, if that's not in the last night, I'll kind of be surprised. Yeah. Well, that's, you're jamming Christianity in there. Yes, of course. We're figuring it out somehow. So then what's great is the cleanup effort. Jesus was a, was a robot? Oh, absolutely.

He was a Decepticon. Oh, what? Yeah. Of course he was. He's up there with Rutgerhauer. Who else? The short circuit. You're talking about Roy Badi?

Yeah. Peter, you will deny me three times before the cock crows. Robocop, he's in robot heaven. Oh, for sure. He's a hero. As well, the human half is in robot hell. What I love about this movie at the end is like the cleanup effort. And they're just like, yeah, we're just going to dump all these robots down into the trenches of the ocean.

Well, here's the dumb thing. So Josh Dumell brings fucking hell to Los Angeles, right? Yeah. And the end of this movie has the gall to be like, nobody knows what happened. I don't know. Like, it was, there was some sort of an event, but we don't kind of know what. No, robots will rock it around and choke slamming each other in the building. Yep.

Well, the thing about it, Steve, that they don't say, but thank God Los Angeles was closed that day. Oh, they closed it. Earlier in the film, there was a fat boy running around with a camera videotaping this. So where's this on YouTube? That guy actually has the most bullshit line in the whole movie. He's like, this is way better than Armageddon. and you're like everyone's elbows

remained staunchly closed at that moment no it's nudged nobody well you know how people in real life always refer to things in terms of Michael Bay movies it'd be only natural

that we put this in here God this robot attacks like a Pearl Harbor we have to talk about That was just a Michael Bay movie didn't happen These Decepticons are some bad boys We have to talk about

the weirdest scene in the movie Oh sure And it takes place It's like six seconds long so um the uh the uh the all spark's all good blah blah blah all the they just dump everybody in the marianna's trench or some shit yeah and like john voids like by the way we're closing down uh john travolta john torres division why not yeah he's out of a job that's the end of that so we're wrapping up all the stuff and like bumblebee because he's kind of the et is like oh i want to stay with sam whitwicky i'll take care of him i'll be

his friend and his voice box comes back and he's another englishman robot all right And he's just like, all right, I'd love to stay with Sam. I would prefer to stay with Sam Whitwicky. Imagine my shock. Well, imagine my car genocide. I'm talking about a real shock of electricity. But so they're like, well, it's up to Sam Whitwiki. Do you want this car to be your friend?

And he's like, yeah, sure. And we cut to the end. And I think there are like some barbecue or something. And like, Optimus Prime is like, if you can hear this, come on. Earth is like super cool now. Hey, Autobots, we're fucking and sucking non-stop on Earth. We've legalized it. Come to Earth.

Hey, Autobots, smoke them if you got them. We'll no longer be outcast for installing your own illegal lips. Autobot Society has shunned it, but on Earth, we are, lips are plentiful. And speaking of lips are plentiful. Sam and Megan Fox are fucking on top of Bumblebee. It's a three-way. It's a three-way.

It's absolutely a three-way. It's a fucking handmaid's tail. Because you know he's warming up his engine. They're having sex on top of each other and the other one's just there. Just sitting back hoping she gets pregnant. That's a three-way, right? That has to be.

Yeah, that counts. I guarantee you bumblebee's like, oh, grab the engine up, warm the throat up a little bit. He's acting like a vibrating bed at a cheap motel. He's taking it all in. You feel something? Oh, what was that? Oh, that was nothing.

But it felt like upholstery. Oh, do you think Megan Fox did a counselor to Bumblebee at some point? Yeah. Sat on the career shift for his robot birthday. The windshield. Oh, is that one? That's the guy. Yeah, you spread your, yeah.

Interesting side of it. I saw that movie at 9 o'clock in the morning. I'm sorry, 7 o'clock in the morning at the gym on FX. And they showed the whole fucking. thing. Oh, the car fucking. Yeah. They show the car fucking. The only thing is it's the, the show us the car facking. They, they show, uh, it's a car fax joke. It's basically a Javier by them talking to Michael Fuss, whatever. She fucked my car, bro. But then he's like, she, she humped my car. This is the end of the version of this movie. And it's like, that's the edit. It's 8 o'clock

in the morning. I got, I'm trying to fucking eat breakfast. So you see her fuck, but you don't get the word fuck. Yes, exactly. Like you see her like do a split and then like kind of go into the car. I'm just going to go ahead and say 7 a.m. Not a good time for Javier Bardem movies in general. Yeah, I think he was in general. I need more coffee before I see that guy's face. I mean, you know, most of Skyfall you could get through.

Yeah, it's pretty tough. Before his fucking face falls out. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, like, I'm trying to think. I'm really trying to think. After this stupid nonsense pirates movie comes out, then he'll have one. That's true. That's how they do that. Wait, so I never saw that counselor motion picture. Why did she fuck a car? She's doing it to like, I don't know, like... Get the AllSpark going.

Bumblebee. Cameron Diaz is coming. Get into car for him. No, just wait. Let's see where this goes. Yeah, it's all just... But they're fucking on top of their friend. Your friend is laying... Your friend passes on a party and you're fucking on his bed. Yeah, well, you know what? They're sharing the same... dorm room, man. Oh, it's like, that dude shouldn't have passed out in the first place. Yeah, and it's his problem. It's disgusting.

Oh, man, just wake it up and your friend's jizz. What's a fun popular culture song that says, hey, you're sort of sexually assaulting me right now? Because I have a car and I can't blurred lines.

Blurred lines. I was going to say Matchbox 20's push. Where was that? Push you around. Yeah. Well, I will. No, you know how you do that is if you're a car, you start playing Lou Bega Mambo number

five. That's like a skunk, spring somebody with shit. Yeah. It's like, oh, get out of here, go. If you want an erection to fall apart immediately, Mambo number five. Or oddly, oddly get harder some people. Or what's the Michael, leave me alone, the Michael Jackson song. Oh, nice. Yeah, exactly. But he's talking at this point. He should just be like, stop fucking on me all right oh oh oh wait a minute it's all right and instead of this movie ending with like

some badass robot tree or whatnot what does everybody want to come back to as the credits roll but these fucking parents oh they're having a little gag there and you know because I almost turned it off because it's like Transformers directed by Michael Bay

Star Scream escapes because what oh yeah the one thing is somebody at some point goes it's Starscream And I'm like, who's that? I think Star Scream is the one who yelled at StarScream. By the way, I'm Starscream. He's his own hype man.

And I'm in this movie. At the very end, too, we get the Optimus Prime saying, More Than Meets the Eye, right? Yeah, he does say it again. That says at the very end. Hey, you're more than meets the eye because you're fucking on top of my friend. My friend, we're having a roommate meeting right now.

It's not cool to have sex on top of each other. And by the way, Samwickwicki, did you not see the tour wheel? this week. You were clearly on dishes. I need my oil changed. But so instead of, you know, ending on a cool Transformers montage, it's these parents being like,

oh, we're lying to the police. No, they don't know what happened. And you know what? It's just, it's Michael Bay. Just riff, baby. Go for seven minutes. We're going to let this camera roll and these two comedians are going to go at it. and it's going to be fucking funny. It's going to be great. For an extra added,

because the movie's not long enough, an extra like three minutes just to get it all out there. I can't. And then finally the credits. Finally, the ever-loving credits. After another liberty speech from Optimus.

And Lincoln Park shows up, man. Oh, yes. A late period Lincoln Park. That's what you want. The park. Yeah, of course you're going to get the park. Put it into a park, Bumblebee.

Lincoln Park. Bump the Pock Oh, would anybody recommend this movie? Get the fuck out of here. Absolutely not, but I really feel I'm very afraid. Again, I've only seen, I've seen most of

the last one, Revenge of the Fallen, the one that was before the last night. Dark side of the blue. That's Age of Extinction. That's the fourth one. I've seen most of Age of Extinction messed up on mute, and I feel like this is probably the best

one. And I will not recommend this one either. In a few weeks from now, you're going to wish you recommended this movie. There is more robot fighting in the second and third one. There fucking better be. Third one has a lot of robot fighting, so I give that credit. Yeah. I think that this is a hangover movie.

Oh, wow. But it's like a really bad, like, I'm barely conscious on the couch kind of hangover movie. This is also like letting the drugs come out of your system. It's harder than a hangover. Yeah, totally. If you're trying to kick horse, pop on Transformers. It'll be your dead baby on the ceiling.

Your little Optimus Prime is crawling on the ceiling. Has lips for some reason. That's Transformers from 2007, directed, of course, by Michael Bay. If you want more, WHM, check out our website, WHMpodcast.com, or find us over on the Headgum Network. Rate and review the show wherever you get it. We would greatly appreciate it. Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter.

We're at WHM podcast. If you want more Transformers cartoon talk, you'll probably want to check out our Patreon page because we're doing animation damnation on an episode of the Transformers just to kind of keep it all together. A whole bunch of bonus content on there if you're new to the show. Patreon.com. There's a ton of great stuff on it.

But I can't guarantee which phase of the Transformers cartooning we're going to be talking about. I mean, who could know, who could care. But I guarantee there's going to be talking cars in it. That's as far as we can get. right into the mailbag We All Hate Movies at gmail.com and so next weekend we're rolling on the summer blockbuster extravaganza

2017 is tackling Transformers I believe it's Revenge of the Fallin I think so yeah yeah so until next week when Transformersathon rolls on I'm Andrew Jupin Steven Seda Chris Gavin Eric Siskatron

Take it easy That was a HeadGum podcast.