We Hate Movies - S7 Ep305: Episode 305 - Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Episode Date: June 13, 2017

On this week's episode, the Summer Blockbuster Extravaganza: Transformers-a-thon Edition rolls on with the overstuffed second film, "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen!" What's with that motorcycle shot, Michael Bay? How is that sexy lady also a robit? And can we all agree those two racist robots are really, really shitty? PLUS: Kurt Vonnegut's secret film shoot. "Revenge of the Fallen" stars Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel, Tyrese Gibson, John Turturro, Julie White, Kevin Dunne, Peter Cullen, Mark Ryan, Reno Wilson, Jess Harnell, Hugo Weaving, Tony Todd, and the legendary Frank Welker; directed by Michael Bay.Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Now on today's program, our Transformers athon continues. We're talking Transformers' Revenge of the Fallen. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sade Act. Chris Cabin. Eric Siskatron. And we hate movies. Hello everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies.

Thank you for tuning into the fine program, as always. You know, the summer blockbuster extravaganza is rolling on like a shitty, transforming car. What is that? Is that a Star Wars character? That's a Transformer transforming. Yeah, these are the noises that they make. I was going to say, Wheeler. the guy with wheels

Wait, aren't there numerous people? No, but the little wheel, little wheel. Oh, tiny wheel. Don't you love little wheel? I don't know who watched that first movie and it was like, you know, you got to double down and the tiny, cute Transformers. I don't know who watched it? Triple down, quadruple down.

The mischievous. Yeah. Little Transformers. Oh, don't they love getting into trouble? Yes. By the way, this is Transformers, colon, Revenge of the Fallen from 2009. Also directed by Michael Bay.

And I'll tell you, this marks the final Transformers film I saw in theaters. Me too. I'm already gone, man. I'm one and done. Oh, really? Un and Dune. Well, I guess that is before we do this, the last night business in a couple weeks. Yeah, yeah, that's kind of...

I guess I'll get back on the wagon watching Transformers in theaters. Got to break edge. Got to do it. And I didn't... The only thing I've ever seen in this movie was, you know, I get in those cable jags where you're watched like 20 minutes of a movie. Jag? A jag?

You know the TV show, Jag? Yeah, you guys 20 minutes of... Cable Jaggs, we were watching some military court. Naval court. No. And I watched like 15 minutes of like John Totoro yelling at Shilabov's roommate. I was like, this isn't for me. Yeah. Cut right out. In Egypt. That's the greatest question is who is this for. And I guess it's Transformers nerds. Yeah, it's not for kids. The best parts of this movie, I think, are when it really wears the fact that it's a movie for babies on its sleeve. Yeah.

And like everyone's like twirl. Like the bad. guys are twirling their mustache and the good guys like we're going to get you bad guys like that's one of the movies is like kind of fun yeah it is it is so stupid I cannot believe it I can't believe it I never saw this before and I it's not for brains no it's just not for brains

yeah leave your brain at the door for this one it's for babies or robots or robot babies I think I was sitting in front of some robot babies when I saw this movie in the theater like I said last week this blew up in our face because we're trying for some air conditioning and the air conditioning was broken

because we were seeing the movie at the Kauffman Astoria, which is indeed, as a reminder, one of the absolute worst movie theaters in New York City. Top five. I want that cease and desist. I would love some nice

Kauffman Astoria stationary. Please stop making fun of our theater. We cleaned up the stain. The stain is mostly gone. But then there's five different news stains. We go in there to see the last night, and it's just like the end of Wolf of Wall Street, the FBI agents.

weaving through. Yeah, so as I was, you know, sweating my pits off there, I was, we were sitting in front of some nerds, or some, you know, Transformers fans. Maybe they were nerds, I don't really know. Or they were Transformers. Oh, that could be. Well, they seemed to know all the Transformers, because every time one came on screen, it was like, there's whatever the fuck.

Devastated. Oh, here's steamroller. Loud flaps here. Oh, mudflap. Thanks for nothing. Is that an actual kid? Yes. that's the two racist twins that we get in this movie wait they're mudflaps one of them is mudflap

i don't know what the other one is like skids or skid mark skid mark yeah shitty drawers and they talk like they're from the ghetto as i'm sure some white executive uh explained to some other white executive like yeah don't don't get too too upset they do talk like they're from the ghetto but it's fun because we uh laugh at them from on high we have we have a a good time chuckling at their urban rhythm. And honestly we had to do it. Michael just insisted from day one, he

insisted these two characters be racist. It's just insane. Like, why can't we just have, how about get like, you know, like one of these big badass robots? I have like Ernie Hudson. Yes. You know? Fuck, yeah. I mean, you have Tony Todd in this movie. That's great. That's really cool. And like, Tony Todd's

just doing Tony Todd stuff. That's what I want in representation. You know what I mean? Like, I don't the thing, Steve, here's the thing. And correct me if anyone in this room disagrees, but if we made a movie in where we cast Tony Todd, the great Tony Todd for a role in our film, don't you think we'd use

Tony Todd just a bit? Tony Todd does the voice of the fallen, which is the villain of this movie, and he is barely saying peep. He did 30 minutes of work for this. The guy who had to put the filter on his voice, you worked for two hours. and then there's nothing

and like he's not menacing at all because he shows up for one big scene at the end. All right, so I'm now pitching a movie to Hollywood before one of these iconic actors passes because they go every day. Here we go. Hollywood, listen up. It's Keith David, Tony Todd, and Ernie Hudson in a

room with like a knife on the table. That's what the movie is. Whatever else has to happen. Maybe there's like some ransom money involved. It's like three guys one knife and it's like That's what we're talking. And the movie's just called Knife.

And the ads for it say like hashtag Knife the movie. Knife the movie. I love this. It reminds me of stab from the scream of verse. Oh, yeah, totally. Of the scream of verse, man. You get a lot of like good monologues. Maybe Mamet gives it a polish.

And three guys, what knife reminds me of two girls, one cup from the internet averse. Do we have to take a break now? Yeah, whatever I say it, I have to watch it. Well, the climax would have Tony Todd vomiting. to Keith David's mouth. Yeah, that's where that has to go.

Man. So we start as, God, as you want any Transformers movie to do with a flashback to prehistoric times. It's great because it's up to his prize being like, you know, there was once a planet called Earth. It's like, yeah, I'm fucking on it. You needed to tell me what Earth is.

I'm from there, buddy. Yeah, I was like, when is this narration taking place? Who are you telling this story to? And we were ancient aliens. Yeah, again, God damn it, just with, you know, you want to make. something hip and mysterious and cool make it ancient aliens. Come on already.

Yes. Oh, God. Don't they know that Alien versus Predator already was made? Also, wasn't it established already? I just assumed in the first one they were aliens. They were because they were from like 1900 or whatever, the aughts. Right. And that was ancient enough, but it's like, oh no, no, no.

We go much further back than that. I was on the Mayflower, God damn it. Oh, stow way. We were Puritans on the Mayflower. me and all my other Autobot companions The prime building at Harvard

was named after my father God damn it I first hid as a harp Oh my god So we Okay so obviously they're cavemen And the opening narration mentions that they That the Transformers are species Much like humans

I'm like what? Yeah What are you even? I guess you have limbs And a voice spot It's true. My ribs do come out of my body to become a third arm. We transform into skeletons.

That's all we can do. That's it. That takes a long time or a flashed fire. Oh, he's a skeleton. He's a dead, long dead skeleton. Just take your flesh off. It's not a big deal. But like, what is any, like, okay, robots are built.

I know that. Sure. From living on earth, I guess. Did someone create? Is there a creator? of transformers or is that not the all spark isn't the all spark like the thing that gave them all life it gives them life is the idea and also as we see in this movie it's like the monolith from 2001 yes definitely and there's some bullshit stuff like later in this movie where we learned more sort of about how a transformer is born because there's that one part where they go up to the fallen's like hangout of like a comet or whatever and he's like oh mind to the hatchlings and there's like these blue sacks And one breaks and a fucking malformed robot falls out. That is a whole movie into itself.

Of course it is. Why is this? And that's kind of the best part of the movie. That's what your villains talking to each other. And it's a cartoon. And I'm like, that's what I want. Another, not to get too deep into Transformer philosophy. Okay.

But at one point, Tyrese Gibson says to somebody else, I think it's the snooty FBI agent or whatever. The government. The government agent. He looks at Optimus Prime and he's like, well if we're made in God's image what is that guy made from and I'm like if you're looking

Satan if you're looking at a sentient robot car I think it's time to stop looking at the book of Genesis quite so literally let's just like think about expand the horizon yeah the Bible is garbage because there's a fucking robot

walking around from space do you think a lot of people would kill themselves like across the planet like just like oh my God there's giant walking robots Oh, man, it would be just like the leftovers. Oh, yeah. A bunch of people just fucking disappear, except for they kill themselves. Is that what happens at Thanksgiving?

I didn't see the show, I guess. I didn't see it. That's a show in where the first season is terribly boring. And when you stop watching it, then you have a bunch of people tell you, oh, my God, you have to get back into it because it's so good. And I'm like, well, what the fuck? were you doing in the first one? I went back after that to rewind.

I fell for that shit. And no, it's still not good. Yeah, I don't know. I still got people in my ear telling me it's good. This year's a commencement speaker at Liberty University is Optimus Prime. Oh. Everything you know is bullshit. I'm from space.

I eat Energeron and whatever else. You haven't even heard of my stars. Exactly. Did Neil deGrasse Tyson ever fact-checked these movies? That's a good question. Because I'm just thinking about like, not only would the religious be offended, but... The scientific community. Yeah, because the eggheads would get their minds.

They would be like, that's not possible. Engineers worldwide. Oh, man. Just furious. Tearing up their drafting tables. So we go to Shanghai because we have to see, it's like, you know, what's been going on since we last left the Transformers? Great question. What's been going on is the Autobots have formed an alliance with the humans.

and now there's this whole government agency set up where all those army dudes from the first movie, Tyrese and Josh Dumel included, are running around with all these Autobots doing secret missions, wiping the rest of the Decepticons off the face of the earth. And the question is, because this guy's, like, this one Autobot, I don't know,

or this one Decepticon, is, like, working at a construction site. Like, are they just, like, getting jobs? They're just trying to find work. You know what I mean? Well, it's like a cover, dude. You've got to hide doing something. No, man, I think they're just trying to go straight. Like, you know, Megatron is gone.

Like, you know what I mean? You're trying to find work after the war. Oh, man. So is Megatron just a parole officer in this situation? No, but no, now your boss is gone. You're like, well, I got to put energy on the table or oil or whatever the fuck I eat. Might as well move trains. Listen, listen, my bot, right or wrong.

I was fighting for my bot, my home bot. And, you know, that didn't work out. I'm just trying to make a new. I'm, you know, I'm an immigrant in your country. country. I just want to do the best robot pounding I could do on this construction side or whatever the fuck. I can

jackhammer better than this guy. Why don't you hire me? I can be a rental car. It hurts. Oh, man. Why the hell not? We need them. I'm a bang bus. I had to become a bang bus. God damn it, this is

degrading work being a bang bus. Some nights I clean off the come other nights I clean off the blood this is something there's this is a kind of an okay action scene I think because the opener yeah I think it's kind of fun like

is this is what Bay does this is this is where he what is Optimus Prime Prime Optimus Prime doing this fucking like dirty hairy dialogue at the start well he's got huge cannons now he's got guns yeah well he's been living in America for a while

and you get those fucking God killers Especially if you're fighting crime, man, come on. Not today. And other such dialogue. I only wrote down not today. Move for it, you fucking scumbag. I dare you. I bought this one at Walmart.

And this is when we get introduced to there are lady transformers that don't do goddamn anything. Did I miss this? The motorcycles? The motorcycle ghosts. Yeah. Oh, those are ladies? There's, like, if you read the IMDB trivia, it's like,

they're the first women transformers. Because in the, in the beginning, they have a hot chick holograms. Yes. That pop up. Wait, are they, wait, holograms of robots that are hot? Or women that are hot. On top of the motorcycles that are robots, Eric. Oh, but so, so wait a second.

Oh, I see what you're saying. Those weren't people. No. Whatever, whatever, like, the gender of the hologram dictates the gender of the, Autobot? No, I mean, I think if you probably looked at this movie, which you can't, because everything looks like nothing, there would probably be, like, female curves

in some of the designs when they turned into robots. That's my understanding. That's terrific. Yeah, I mean, like, they don't even, I don't know if they even talk in this movie. I mean, and no one's like, oh, look, it's the ladies. They sure get blown apart at one point. Oh, look, it is the ladies. Oil

Raid, gentlemen. Motherbot, would you like to go out for a buffet dinner? Motherbot I've been faithfully married for two millennia you motherbotter So I mean

They wind up killing I do love the robot murder in this Oh yeah It's relentless It is pretty vicious It's like It's the one like wing to the audience Like we know it's really stupid

But you're gonna see a robot fucking get killed Oh yeah you're gonna see a robot Get shot the face In the fucking face Optimus Prime gets a resputent death. Oh yeah. He dies seven times before they actually split him in half. Well, listen

man, if you're a Decepticon, right? And you're like, God damn it, I fucking hate this Optimus Prime. I can't wait till he goes. When you get him, you're going to fucking Gaddafi that guy. You better believe it. You're going to shove a fucking pipe right up his ass. They pulled me off my robot horse. They dragged me

for miles. And they, so this guy's dying. His last words are like the fall of this coming or something. And Optimus Prime killed. This guy, you mean a robot. This robot named, cattle prod or whatever the fucking means. Oh, no, they killed cowcatcher. That would be a great one, right?

He's working out in the fields, like hurting cows and other things. Sure. That'd be a good job to have. Why isn't there a tractor guy? Why isn't John Deere sponsoring a tractor bot? Well, we haven't watched this fifth movie yet. That's true. I mean, I think there's a tractor on the Super Dyson at the end.

end of this, that vacuum of Egypt. Yeah, that thing. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. The suckbot. Yes, the suck bot. What was his name? The Fallen? No, that's different. No, the fallen is Tony Todd. Wait, and what's the vacuum cleaner at the end? A Devastator, I believe. Oh, is that

Devastator? That's the name of a Star Destroyer, buddy, and that's it. Oh, boy. Here come the Star Wars. Uh-oh. Turn that corner. We cut to Sam Whitwiki, who is just trying to go to, like, honestly, just trying to go to college. He's like, you know what, it's been a couple months. It's been two years. I just want to go to college. This is my biggest gripe with this movie is they make a big deal. It's like, oh, the first Whitwiki to go to college ever. His fucking grandfather was an explorer of the Arctic. That's an aristocrats job.

Yes, exactly. I have that written down. And this guy lives in a fucking mansion. And that's the other horseship part about when he gets to college and we meet his fucking obnoxious roommate, which is like a G-grade John Leguizamo. Sure. And this dude is like, oh, I looked you up. I know everything about you. I hacked your information. We're just the same.

You're poor just like I am. And he's like, yeah, I know. I was like, what in the ever-loving fuck are you talking about? No way. Where are they hiding that money? What is his con? They're hiding from the government. What is he in the mafia?

Are they a mafia family? Did he invent the bang boss? He might have. Oh, maybe he's got a pornography empire. That is Los Angeles. You know what? That's half of Los Angeles. Yeah, I mean,

every other person out there is a porno guy. And you have this huge house. You don't, you never see all of it. You don't know what's going on in the lower levels. Yeah, that's true. I don't see a basement.

And you know that house has a basement. The weird thing is, though, like Kevin Dunn even says this little fucking rich boy. He's like, oh man, $40,000 a year. How am I going to pay for that? Fucking poor people, like myself,

do it through student loans that cripple you later in life. That's how it works. This is America, God damn it's 2009. That's what we're doing. Absolutely. Just get involved in that fucking racket. Well, I mean, you know,

he's just got to step up like the, you know, illegal cigarette import and the gambling and the numbers running and whatever else the mafia does. So he's talking to Megan Fox and he's like, hey, I'm going to bring, I'm going to wear my shirt from the first movie. And everyone's like, yay.

And he's like, he's like dusting it off at a piece of the fucking all. spark falls off. Oh, yeah. Don't you hate it when that happens? And it's like alien blood. It burns through several levels of the house. Right.

And so as we know from the AllSpark, if it like farts on a machine of some kind, it turns it into like an evil gramming transformer. Oh, man. It should have fell on the goddamn like sewer pipe and turned the toilet into a monster. Oh, man. Yeah. That toilet finally gets his revenge on Kevin Dunn. I'm going to eat your poopies.

I'm the toilet. Oh no, what's his name? Sam? Yeah. Sam, we got to clog the toilet. Yeah, so all these like little Gidgets and gadgets come to live. A toaster really gets menacing there for a minute. They always get guns immediately.

Yeah. Like immediate gun. And rockets. Goddammit. Lots of rockets as well. Do anyone notice when the mother comes out? There's like just a waffle iron on her head. Like it's not animated or anything.

It's just like, ah! Yeah, that's pretty cheap. I think somebody forgot about something. Well, I think that was part of the Tribune trivia was they were saying something about that Waffle Iron was too expensive to animate. I was like, why is that the cutoff? Look at all the money being thrown

into this movie. You couldn't find a few extra bucks to animate a goddamn waffle iron? And if that's the case, just cut it from the movie. She also doesn't need that. It's not funny. Nobody cares. These parents are terrible characters. And then Bumblebee comes out because the first of many times Shilabuff screams Bumblebee in this movie

which is really indignified. Or also, he's just fucking calling him B like God damn what's his face in Blade 2? Oh yeah, Stephen Norman Reed is. Why would you abbreviate it to B. I would be calling him Bumble.

Hey Bumbo! Or Bumbo! Or B.B. That's kind of cool. Oh, Bibi. Oh, yeah. Oh, that might be something. Maybe you. How about not, you know, call any name. Just fucking say, hey, you get over here. Well, they're their best buds. That's the problem.

Well, you know, that's good point, Chris. Are you shouldn't ever have to remember names. It's a thing I hate about everything. Well, specifically, I know, at the office, I do, I do, I do, I do you, her, him, you know. What do you say to the robots in your office? Oh, they're it's. Yeah, they're definite. Oh, hey, Dave.

Earl. Yo, because it's an acronym. Earl, it's an acronym. Yeah. Yeah, so Bumblebee comes out and shoots them all up. And I guess he lays waste to the front of his house, by the way. Someone's calling the police department. And one of the many things, this movie didn't watch the first movie, unfortunately,

because the parents are like, oh, Bumblebee, you're great. At the end of the movie, they're pretending, they don't know that the Transformers happened, right? I guess in between the two movies. Wait, did the men in black, like, you know, erase their minds? No, because they're, like, Kevin Dunn's like, oh, honey, you can't say robot, national security business or whatever. Well, no, but I'm saying, yes, in this movie, they know about robots. No, I know. The last movie, at the end, they're just like, well, the government wouldn't lie to us.

like this whole thing. Oh, is that right? Yeah, it's like a little bit. It was last week I don't even fucking remember. How could you? So forget a Michael Bay movie.

I don't remember either of these movies. So Sam, when the government comes in, gives Megan Fox this little sliver of an all spark. And like, he has like stupid visions from here on out, which is just. He got imprinted.

This is what the all spark is gone. It's dead. Yep. And somehow it imprinted all of its shit. Yep. under this little shithead. Well, that's good because he touched the piece of it with his flesh. Oh, man, I hate when I touch pieces with my flesh.

Yeah, because, like, he touches it, and it kind of, like, burns him, and that's why he drops it in the first place. But, like, that's, that's it. Like, I mean, like, so now it's dead, except for he has. Are you surprised this is stupid? He's also, like, destined to do this as well as we get into it. Right. And he was born to be Optimus Prime's Whippenboy. Dude, this was all...

Guys, this was God's plan for Sam Whitwicky. So that he may rise into Transformer Heaven. Absolutely right. Also, so we're skipping over some stuff here that I think is very crucial to the development. This movie's three and a half hours long. No, I know, but this is very crucial to the development of these classic characters.

One being, our introduction to Megan Fox is her fucking bent over this motorcycle, ass in the air. She's like spray painting a decal on a motorcycle. No one is fucking putting their ass up in the air painting a motorcycle like this. It's no wonder she walked away from these movies. Of course.

Like, everyone was like, oh man, I can't believe that Megan Fox will come back for Transformers 3. Michael fucking Bay put cameras in her vagina. Like, that's, she's like, no thank you, dude. There is a shot later in the movie. We can just talk about it here where it's the two of them. It's her and Shailabuff getting out of a car. And Shailabuff gets out and he's kind of like,

he gets out on like the left hand side of the frame and just exits and they clearly had this camera setup fucked up because she gets out of the car and her boobs are just right there and she even kind of reacts like oh the fucking camera's there and tries to dodge it and meanwhile like these breasts are just in the screen oh yeah Megan sorry about that oh don't worry that'll definitely get cut that'll definitely get cut don't worry about it I didn't do that on purpose oh where's the transformer's camera bot I just want to remind you yet again that dialogue comes out of this part of my body

so if you want me to explain the story and react to stuff it's all going to be up here buddy boy and boy Megan that's that's that's that's great it's a great point you just made she even referenced that shot of the motorcycle and said like they also had a camera like on her face while she's talking or whatever and that's what she thought was going on she didn't know there was a camera up her fucking ass

speaking of bangles that's what Michael Bay should have Megan, let's try one take where you are Ace Ventura talking out of your ass. Okay, go. Okay, go. All right, or no, go, go. All right, hold on. Tape guy. I need tape guy. Hi. Hi, Michael. Scratch. Oh, you need something get stuck down, huh? You called the right guy. Should I taper to the motorcycle? We're also missing the

of Optimus Prime, he skydives. Oh, you better believe it. With parachutes. Yep. It's a giant fucking metal monster. You put a truck inside of a helicopter and then give it a parachute. And this is what I don't understand. He's a truck. They dump him out of the plane. He turns into Optimus Prime lands and immediately turns back into a truck. I was like, that's a waste of resources. Here's my question. I don't think I don't think we talked about this last. Um, is it more comfortable for a transformer to be a car or to be a person? Oh, it's got to be a person.

I think a car. Really? I would rather, like, I'm a... Because it can't be both. It can't be equally comfortable. I agree with you. I think, I think it's more comfortable to be a car. And I say that as a person, who would be more... Who wishes they were a car? I do. I feel like it would be better. It would be more relaxing to be on, you know... But they're all crinkled and folded over a bunch of times?

I just have this image of Eric sitting in a parking lot next to all these cars. I'm a car now. It's like Moonraker, when Michael Jackson like leans up against that wall and then turns into... Oh, Moon Walker. I was like Michael Jackson is in that James Bond movie? Well, he should have been. That would be a great James Bond villain, Michael Jackson. Oh, of course.

Isn't that the one with Jaws, too? Jaws is in that? Well, Jaws is in a couple of it, but he is in that movie. Yeah, and they go to space for some reason. So you think you'd be more comfortable as a person, Andrew? Because they're unfolded. They move their arms and legs around. Like, you've got to think about what?

am I doing with my arms? Does this look weird? But if I'm a car, it's like, I'm just laying there. And weight's distributed. You've got some nice rubber wheels going on. Nobody's staring at me. Exactly. No one looks at me. I like that. And you just drive the highways for as long as you want. I want to be a nondescript car. Well, that's the thing. You can't be one of them. They're sexy cars. No, I want to turn into a Honda Civic. Yeah, you got to be like a Nissan or like a Hyundai sonata or like a Mazda. A good Audi. A Mazda. Well, Audi. No, people are looking at an out. Those are luxury cars, kind of, yeah.

You want a Mazda because it's trying to look like a luxury car, but everyone knows it's not, so we're looking away. I wouldn't be able to drive myself because I don't have a driver's license. Oh, right. I would have to be a car on the train? So if you got pulled over? You wouldn't, oh, yeah, car on the train. Yeah, I guess they drive.

Is that how they transport cars? Probably car trains. Well, there's, wait, wait. Andrew could be one of those big double-downs. or trucks and you could drive up on him and he's like taking you to the car dealership kind of thing. All right here's the thing. Please tweet at us

with the hashtag SBE 2017. That's correct. What kind of car you think everybody in the show would be? That's a good idea. And it's going to get real offensive real quick. Well, I'll tell you what. It's going to be three minivans and a little egg-shaped thing for Steve.

Oh man, I thought I was good. Come on, guys. Well, like those little like Ford Sparks or I was thinking just four hummers. I was thinking four garbage trucks. It takes about 25 minutes to get to college. And college isn't even the point of the movie, but it takes about 25 minutes to get there.

We're already talking about long-distance relationships. He eerily packs her a long-distance relationship kit. A Cisco brand. Oh, well, that's their video chat thing. Yeah, you don't know what else is going on. He's like a psycho box. It's like, I'm a fucking psycho creep. Here's a box.

He's like, here's some of my pubs. I got those in there. I hope I could count on your loyalty. But that's the weird thing is like he is obsessed with his own girlfriend because he was obsessed with her before he tricked her into being his girlfriend. Well, he gets it. He knows what's going on here. This woman is way out of this dude's league.

Of course. And he's doing everything he desperately can. Not everything because he's got something where she's like, why won't you say you love me? And he's like, I don't know, because it's a movie and I need something to get to. And I'm a man. And Kevin Dunn keeps on telling him to go out fucking. Like, I don't understand. Like, why would Kevin Dunn say this?

Listen, son, the clock's ticking here. She's clearly going to break up with you soon. You better just get fucking until she don't want to fuck. I looked like Shailabuff when I was 24 years old. You will turn into Kevin Dunn like that. You know what? It's done and done. It's done and done.

You think, yeah, oh, look at these abs and like, oh, I could go out to winter. these at any old time and then like that you're Kevin Dunn. One day you're 21 years old and then that Dunkin' Donuts franchises. Do you think Are they not fucking? Are you saying they're not fucking? No, they definitely did

fucking. They definitely did fuck and the proof is in this movie because right around, yeah, no, there was some fucking in the pudding because what happened was later in this hilarious extended college sequence when the mom is running around on a fucking pot brownie being a main

She goes up to these babes, and she's like, oh, my son's so cool. His name's Sam. He gets it wet. No, she definitely goes, and he's had sex. He just popped his cherry this summer. I heard it. They didn't know that I was home. She fucking says this to strangers.

Release the tapes. I was not watching the movie, by the way. Yeah, it's disgusting. She's like, I miss that line to you. I heard my son get his cherry popper. he thought nobody was home She's going on a long one She's taking that thing for a walk

You're in that whole scene That scene man My God The whole like Isn't it crazy Being on marijuana It's a fucking It's a disgrace

To the responsible marijuana users of the world That you get dipshit Fucking scenes like this in this movie But she also said she bought it on the quad Like it was just out there Yeah It's a pretty cool call With the Bob Marley posters

And all the other shit And I mean it's more Michael Bay improv because these jokes are going on for, it's like, it's weighing this movie down. It's 60% of the movie. This movie is two and a half hours long and like a third of it is just jokes. Mm-hmm. Joke after

from human beings. Oh, God, I hate jokes. And wondering if Shai LaBouf is going to tell fucking Megan Fox if he loves her. Like that fucking matters. Well, he adores her. That's true. Our psycho box. Yeah, here's my psycho box. I adore you.

Oh yeah, here's a webcam so we could talk Well, we're a long distance. Oh, wait, she doesn't know it's always on. Oh, yeah. I went to the geek squad, and I got that shit hooked up. I talked to the geeks, and I was like, I want to abuse the privacy of a woman. And they were like, gotcha. It's the URL girlfriend cam.org ready.

You selling it? Yeah. Oh, my God. He's, like, going to become part of his father's empire. Here's my long-distance relationship box for you, and now you have to fill up your long-distance relationship box for me with your underwear from the hamper. Optimist, Prime.

You're not using your long-distance relations. Hello, Sam. Is the webcam catching me? Am I too close to the webcam, Sam, which we're he? No, no, no, you're good optimist. get closer. I want to see your robot lips. Wait, it's 2009. Can I make a chat roulette joke? Oh, yeah. I don't think so. I think that might be a little

early. Really? We'll get it in the next movie. Maybe. Oh, maybe not. I don't know. That's to 2011, I think. Yeah, that might be a dark side of the moon, dick. So, in college, he meets his roommate who is running some hacker convention or what? This has nothing to do with the movie. It shouldn't be in the movie. Well, at first, it looks like the Legion of Dahmer, because they have all of these pictures of women on their and it's not like sexy lady posters or shit like that

it's just girls standing in hallways you know there is one good poster in this movie it's at Sam Wickwicky's house though it's the Smith's meet his murder oh right which is pretty great and there's a Cloverfield poster in this room you know what it's right next to a bad boys two poster

which what the fuck yep Michael Bay likes Michael Bay Bay movies so Michael Bay what's great about this as it establishes that the director of this film exists in the world of the film. Oh, that's true. He should have him get killed by one of these robots. I'm alive in my own work.

Does he have a cameo in this? He had one in the last... Wait, what was he in the last one? He's like one of... Dude getting thrown from section seven guys, I think. Dude jerking off to Megan Fox behind the scenes. Oh, yeah. Guy number one, not number two. This is what I hate about this college room.

made situation other than it being unfunny, useless, and terrible. Sure. It's this thing that always happens in movies and TV where the character like the protagonist is moving into college and it's moving day and you see everybody moving in. And he gets there and this dude's

like, oh I've already picked like one side of the room and I was like all right, that's fair, that happens. And then he's like, now let's go through this adjoining door into this other dorm room where my business empire is already set up and I have these two geeks working for me. I was like, what, you've been here for less than a day.

What are you talking about? This is back to school syndrome where he's got like, but that was like a... Oh, robots. Oh, man. Oh, shit. If he was in this movie, Rod. Yeah, Rodney. What are you fucking stupid?

Tell that girl you love her, even if you're lying about. Oh, I brought Kurt Vonnegut here for some reason. Man, how lit do you think Rodney and Kinnison were getting on the set of that movie? Oh, my God, beyond. Can you imagine being in that room? I would love... The verbal abuse you'd take? Kurt Vonnegut's like, well, you know, we're all kind of robot.

Shut up, Vonnegut. Oh, man, what a nerd thing to say. Hey, Kurt, why don't you get close to that motorcycle? No, just get up on it. Arch. Hey, Kurt Vonnegut, arch your ass up on that motorcycle. Whatever, just got to be kind, baby. Hey, Wardrobe, can we get a low-cut shirt on Kurt?

A low-cut sweater. Hey, Michael, my mustache is up here. Oh. So, yeah, I mean, like, poor man. We find, we find out that his roommate, who I think his name is Leo, did I make that up?

No, whatever. It works for me. We're going to call him the roommate. You made it up. His roommate, he's obsessive transformers. Somehow the government succeeded in keeping this a mystery, where people, even though there's like

must be so much footage everywhere. Like I know it was 2007, but like, there were cameras. We had razor phones. CNN would have had it. I know this now. YouTube copyright infringement. Government owns that footage. Sorry. But that's the thing is he says like, oh, the mainstream media is pretending that

Transformers didn't happen. This guy's like a little Alex Jones. He totally is. Is that prison plan it started? I think it is. Oh, and I think it's his experience with the Transformers that made him scared to go outside ever again. I'm afraid of black transformers.

Black people and black transformers. Optimist Prime wants to take your money. Yeah, I don't know. I hate this roommate character. There's also like the two other dudes are like set up where you're thinking like, okay, they're all going to be a team. Yep, yeah. Oh, those two fat little.

guys get kicked right out of this movie. But the first hour of the movie, you're not sure if the roommates are character or not. And then like in the next hour, like he's there all the time. You're like, wait, don't you go away a lot? Well, what happens is you realize, or die, that would be majestic to see this guy die. But like once Megan Fox and Shia LeBuff, like, they get attacked by a robot and then they're like, oh, now the movie's starting. And that dude was hanging out. I'm like, oh, no. Oh, that dude's hanging out still. Oh, are you talking about when Model Bot? Reveals her. Man, let's talk about model bot.

Model bot, yeah. So Shailabuff... Oh, sorry, go ahead. Well, so, like, you know... Her name's Mattel. I think her name is Alice, actually. Alice, yeah. So the roommate's like, all right, here we go.

First frat party of the year, brothers. Let's go fucking bangboss.org. One night away from the Mountain Dew machine, my brothers. Shailabuff's like, yeah, I know that guy, and he hates that job. In this episode, in this episode, all the porn sites are non-profits, apparently. That's right. All these porn sites are 501c3s, dude.

Dude, just fucking, hey, hey, in your mind, add a Y. At a Y, bro. At a Y, bro. At a Y. Oh. Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. Oh, I got it. Yeah. I got it. I like that. Orgies. No, so they go to this party and, you know, he's like, oh, I got to get back.

I have my first internet chat with my girlfriend and I'm like, yeah, okay. That's not your girlfriend, by the way. But that's the thing is, if he's like, oh, I would go on the internet to talk to my girlfriend and he goes into his wall and he pulls out a picture of Megan Fox. I'm like, oh my God, this guy's just got a cam model.

He's just paying a cam model. Is that clip from a magazine? No, it's my girlfriend. If you want me to take off both socks, it's going to be an extra $5, shall above. That definitely looks like the E from a maid, Oh man, it's just magazine clippings. That's embarrassing.

It's like when George Costanza goes to that part, that, what, that warehouse part? I swear to God, they were all here, Jerry. Would you like to dance? I mean, but yeah, no one's believing it. No, no one's not. They're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, just come to this party. Maybe you'll forget about your phone appointment. And so there's this Alice chick and she comes up and she's all babelicious like immediately,

Which, like, listen, Shia LeBuff, let's get suspicious here. Well, but also, Michael Bay doesn't know to film a woman unless she's four. If she's 40, she's just a person. But if she's under 40, she's got to be a Victoria secret, like, photo shoot. Like, every shot's like, it's a slow mo. There's a wind machine from somewhere. Exactly. Where did that wind machine come from?

Shia LeBuff shirt isn't moving, but her shirt's moving. So, uh, they kind of hit it off and then, but like, they wind up in his car because something happens. Well, because he's talked, well, he gets hit by. the spirit and like starts writing an icing like yeah which he's wasting that cake and I was getting pissed a four with an X and a zero around it or something like which is the it's the biggest concern if you've ever thrown a house party for a fraternity you better have a fucking table cake ready to go what are you talking about it's so fucking dumb and bartenders yeah it's so

crazy got to cut that cake into a hundred pieces well let's get a head count Yo, Brad, all right. You got all the, got the kegs right. Awesome. Tommy's got the beer pong table. Who got the sheet cake? Where is the sheet cake? Not enough sheet cake. Got to go to a bakery run. Brad? Brad! Brad? I thought you were on this, Brad. Brad, when we had the committee meeting last week, you said you were on sheetcake duty, bro. This is so fucked up, man. We told you approximate headcount.

This is why we moved Thor to the nachos, bro. Oh, man, the bakery's closed. Connecticut bake laws. All right, fucking great, dude. Now we got to go to the grocery store. Our guests are eating grocery store sheetcake, man. Not fucking cool. First party of the year, you already got a strike on you, bro.

That's fucked up. No, dude, I got Napolitiano's phone number. They'll open for me. Dude, this fraternity house is their best customer, man. So fucking huge sheetcake on a frat party. You fucking idiots. And then Bumblebee shows up in the front. Because the AllSpark fussed around and farted.

Yeah, he starts having like seizures and whatnot. And so like bumblebee's like, you got to go see my man here, Optimus Prime. Oh, by the way, at the start of this movie, he has got, his voice doesn't work again. Yeah. What the fuck? Like he got, it got fixed at the end of the last fucking movie. There is a supplementary comic book, which I believe. leaves explains that.

Wait, are you fucking joking? No, no, no, no. I'm fucking joking. Do I have to pay $9 at a McDonald's to get a happy meal where I then procure the comic book that's inside it? I think so.

Or you get the code to open it online. Yeah, yep. Which is because the real answer is the movie was successful and they're like, well, we sure did like when we did those fun gags when that guy talked like that. You know what I mean? Nobody liked that.

It's impossible to follow. They did everything because he also liquid, liquefies and cries when fucking Sam Wickey leaves. That's something. That is something. They're expelling juices from themselves. What's that like wiper fluid, you think? Don't even... Because his piss was gasoline

clearly. Right. From the first one. And then this one, it would have to be windshield wipers. Hey, wait a second. That's a fucking great question. Chris Cabin. Yes. You've just blown my mind. Sorry. Are these things... Do they need gasoline? Are they filling up? That's a good point.

Do they need dinosaurs? Or is that what that Energon shit is. I think that's what the Energon is. Okay. Wait, they came around Earth

when the cavemen were around. Sure. Dinosaurs were already dead. They could have been already procuring fossil fuels. That's a good point. It's possible.

A lot of petrol on that planet. It's also just probably magic. Is it magic gas? I get that sometimes. Yes. A couple happy meals. But he also, they both wind up in his car

for some reason. The bullies chase them away. This is, it's this fucking pushy woman. This woman won't leave me alone. She keeps trying to make out with me this dirty woman. I told that woman I had a girlfriend. And that bumblebee sprays her with shit too. She gets a real fucking bumblebee facial.

What is this yellow goop that comes out? It's yellow. Now, yeah, what is that? It's like the shit inside the Halloween, Halloween three robots. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, I guess maybe it's like oil, but it's like, hey, bumblebee, if you want to fucking run smoothly, you better not be expelling. oil all over the place. His arteries are thick. Yeah. Close at like maybe

anti-frees, maybe. He's on biodiesel or something. He's like he's like reusing fucking the the French fry vats of McDonald's. Oh yeah. Oh, maybe he's he's had his engine in place. He runs on corn oil. Oh, maybe totally dude. Also how as Bubblebee is a transformer? How does he not know she's a transformer? Like you know what I mean? That's a good point especially because now let me just check my notes here. Uh, there is a point at the beginning of the movie. Oh, it just says stupid.

Where one of these, no, one of these them, they're Decepticons. Or someone says something about like, I can smell the robot. Yes, I think Iron Hyde says. No, there's heat. Oh, yes, Iron Hyde says it. Oh, I smell something here.

Yeah, when they're in Shanghai, he's like, I can smell a Decepticon. He's inside fucking bumblebee. Also, that's a bigger thing to talk about. Like, where is this flesh coming from? Like, apparently she, That is a great question. Because she's, like, making out with him and shit, and he's touching her, and he's not like, well, that feels like a robot.

I think that's why they do the stupid hologram thing with the motorcycles in the beginning, is to just make you believe they can do whatever with holograms. To establish flesh. Stupid shit. So a Decepticon can conceivably encase themselves in flesh. Yeah. In flesh that you want. Enticing flesh. And here's the thing.

if you're going to do that I mean that's what the movie it's kind of dumb whatever but that's what the movie is now it's this fucking paranoid thriller where it's like anybody could be a decepticot

of course now it's ex Machia or Battleston or Body Snatchers you know it's like oh my god they walk among us that'd be great to do the end of this movie

it's like oh my god thank goodness we killed all those human hiding decepticons and Kevin Dunn's like yeah totally that's really great everybody and then it's like

just this shot of Kevin Dunn and he's looking out and he opens his mouth and he just goes, whir-ha. How about this? Someone accidentally kills a fucking child. Like a young little boy or girl

just gets fucking brutally murdered and like by someone good too, like an Optimus Prime or Samo-R-Wishie. Can't believe I killed that child. But then it just turns back into like a Vespa and everyone's like, oh, that's fine.

Oh, few guys. It was just a Vespa. It was Cairns. They were all little cams. So she runs off like all upset for a second. What you recall it? Boney drives him to Optimus Prime

and Optimus Prime's like, Sam, more of my robot bullshit came up and you've got to help me out here. And he's like, oh man. And he's like, Sam Woodwicky is like rightfully pissed. He's like, hey man, I was just at this frat party where this lady was hitting on me.

There was a sheet cake. there was one of the absolute most disgusting talking heads covers playing at this part. Fuck that thing. This fucking burning down the house. That's a nickelback song. No. No, it's not. No, there's no. They're playing burning down the house.

There's burning down the house, but they're also playing nickel back. Oh, I thought you were saying that Nickelback covered it? No, no, no, no. But this burning down the house cover, it's a fucking abomination to music. But, you know, whatever. So anyway, he's like, I'm trying to do all this. And here I am meeting you in a graveyard, by the way,

fucking mafia meetup. Are you wearing a wire, Sam Wittwicky? Iron Hyde, shake him down. Why won't he take his shoes off in this Japanese restaurant? I gotta say goodbye to you now. Iron Hyernhide's taking a gun

from behind a toilet tank. You made a fucking jerk out of me, Sam Woodwicky. They should turn on this guy. How cool it would be. Well, they need him. And Shaila Buff's, he's like, you know, I don't have time for your robot. horses shit. I got a test tomorrow. He's like, your goddamn Optimus Prime. What am I going to do for

you? I have to sit in a class with Rain fucking Wilson tomorrow, man. Oh, that's true. I know dread. Man, that fucking sucks. It's just a stupid scene. Remember when he was fucking bucket? Yeah, remember he was just sneaking his way into movies, man? And I like Rain Wilson too, but like, come on with this character. It's terrible. It's just Dwight Shrewd as a college professor. And, um, Shilabuff is trying his heart out in this movie. He is, and I realized watching this movie, I don't hate him. I don't know, I mean, he's done some dumby stuff. And like, you know, sure, I don't like a lot of the movies that he's in.

But, like, he's good in stuff. He's great in American Honey. Yes, all right. And he's very good in Infomaniac. Yeah, he is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think he does hold. He's just not the guy I want anchoring things.

Especially a movie with cartoon talk and robots. I want cartoon talking robots. anchoring a movie with cartoon talking robot. You would think. So let them run wild. There's this great scene where the government agent comes in and he's telling off the nest to all the people and he's like, is this guy somebody?

Sorry, he's been in other things. Oh, Nest is the name of the agency they've created. And he's basically like, oh, look, you know, he goes through the whole list of like where all these secret things. You know, Megatron is in the Mariana's trench, which is here. We've got the other thing, which the AllSpark Cube, half of it is over here. And like Soundwave, by the way, hello, Frankwell.

Welker, welcome to the movie. Oh, that's right, finally. They passed him over in the first movie, but in this one, he voices no fewer than four robots. Well, that's what you want with the Frank Welker role. Why do they pass him over in that first movie? Do we discuss that last week? We did, yeah. He was supposed to be Megatron, and then they were like, NASA. Oh, right. Because he, they want Ugo weaving. You want that you go weaving. Oh, Walt. I mean, that's great. Did he, did Welker do voices on the cartoon? Yeah, he did, who he did. Was he Megatron? He did Megatron. I believe he also did Soundwave. Oh, okay. Because he's just doing the Dr. Claw voice. Oh, right. It is clearly the doctor. Oh, by the way, the only robot in this that's a character is Jetfire, I think, his name is. Oh, which one's Jetfire? Oh, the old guy. Yeah. Because he's the only one that

It has like... An arc? Yeah. A past and a reason. Yep. And like a reason to fucking breathe... What do they breathe? Carbon monoxide?

I don't know if they breathe. Yeah. All right. He's got a reason to compute. Again, magic, mostly. So, but... And then Soundwave like intercepts all this stuff. Which how the fuck...

I'm sorry to interrupt you, Steve. But how the fuck... Soundwave is just like right near this satellite. He's just hanging out. He's just a big old fucking sound wave robot. Uh-huh. And he, like, kind of sneaks up to this satellite and hacks it. But, like, if a giant mass was floating over the earth, somebody's going to say something.

That's what the government wants you to think. They don't know half the things you put in. Both, fuck, we got nothing up there. Neither the military nor the FBI, nor the CIA had any idea. This huge fucking building-sized robot is flying over the planet. like foreign governments would notice anybody would notice it uh hey america yeah it's

it's australia yeah i don't have an australian accent yeah um uh i just want to let you know that something's making love to one of your satellites right now you want to check it out we don't want to tell you what to do but it's i don't know how else to say it it's a metal squid and it's just it's just latched onto that

you know you know all those robots that have been your secretly for billions of years that everyone in Dark Shadow agencies knows about, but we keep secret? Yeah, it's one of those. What do we call those Autobots? Yeah, or whatever, yeah. We watch those videos all the time. That shit's great. So because this little

fucking Packerwood's running his mouth and like Soundwave's got the whole thing bugged. They know what's going on. They know where Megatron is. So we launched this Decepticon mission to get him back from the bottom of the ocean in where the best part of this movie happens, I feel.

what's that? So they're down there and they're like, oh, like get the doctor on him and this little like crab thing comes out and he's like and he starts like looking at Megatron and whatnot and he's like, we need parts take them from the little one and these two Decepticons

rip this third Decepticon two fucking pieces underwater in this trench. It's awesome. You know at the Decepticon meeting house they're like, all right, we're going to spring the boss. And then they're like, all right, uh, robo Blad, Bilgamax, and TVTron.

And then like, TVTron's like, well, I thought it seems like only a two-man job. Like, no, no, TVTron. We need three. We don't know what we're going to encounter down there. You sure, it just seems like, I don't know. Don't worry about it. Are your gears all oiled up and taken care of? Well, yes, they are.

I'm just logging these invoices. I don't know if you need me to do that. Perfect. Is your spark plugs new? Put up your out-of-office message for a long time. It's so awesome And then this fucking robot's like Oh my god

They fucking tear him to bits We also get a dog robot Which is kind of fun Are they dogs? I thought they were like tigers I don't know A leopard Are they like real?

Are they things from I think it's a thing It's a thing in the show Within the blade The little blade one That's made of all the ball bearings Well he throws up Like this is this like cool

Robo dog comes out He's got a gun And he like blows shit up Yeah Oh this guy's kind of cool And then he goes into this like steam pipe and throws up ball bearings.

It's kind of gross. It's something else. And all the ball bearings are sentient and it turns into something else. It turns into this like little robot that's like razor thing and when it turns you can't see it. Had one great death because the first military guy in there, the thing just goes right through

him. Yeah, that's right. Okay. If we're going to do this and then it never happens again. Right. So then so Megatron is freed and he instantly flies back up to, yeah, like I said, I guess it's an asteroid somewhere where there's this huge deceptica that nobody can see. Yeah, where is this fucking thing? He gets there in 10 minutes. They say it's one of the moons of Saturn. Well, that's,

oh, that's right, because he turns into a jet and he's then instantly by Saturn. And I was like, how the fuck fast is this jet going? And also, like, I just, I would imagine, you want to talk about satellites, but things leaving and entering the Earth? Oh, sure. Someone's got to be like, yo, dude, check that out. A fucking jet just went into space for jet. Guys, when alien species lands on Earth, clearly NASA's going to get less funding. Yes. It's so fucking stupid.

So he lands and they're like, oh, the boss is back. And he kind of like beats up somebody. Who's he beat up? Yes. What's kind of like a weird. Like in the first movie, I don't know if he talks, but in this one he's kind of like an Igor type. Yeah, like a rent field a little bit too.

Yeah, totally. It's weird. And so they're like, oh, by the way, here's our buddy the fallen who's been hanging out. And you're like, what the fuck? Where was this dude in the first movie? He was watching the Star Wars prequels because he keeps calling Megatron his apprentice, which you just can't do that.

He can't do that in 2009, guys. Sorry. Well, he's been... Haddawan bot. Well, it seems like he's been charging for a long time. He doesn't want to go on airplane mode, though. So he's taking fucking forever. Once you plug in, like, you just want to get a full charge

before you come out? You're like, well, you know, there'll be another movie. Sorry, I'm still yellow. want to get into the green and so the fall in his voice by the great Tony Todd and as we learn by the way

from Knife the movie by the way Oh knife the movie's Tony Todd Of course In theaters now Yeah Soon to be immediately Mvod Anton Fuqua's Knife the movie

I'm just saying Oh yes I'm just saying Yep And if it's a fucking bad Big Budget Anton Fukuwa movie Guaranteed it'll play At the Toronto Film Festival

There you go I'm looking at you fucking Magnificent Seven and the Equalizer. That's getting an opening gala. The Magnificent Seven was terrible. It's really bad. I watched like 20 minutes of it on a plane over somebody's shoulder. I was like, I got it. I was lit.

Oh, yeah? Lit right up, huh? Yeah. Christmas treeed that shit? It didn't help, man. I love Western. Oh, hell yeah, dude. You just sink quicker the more you struggle.

Yeah. But so as we learn from the Fallen, he's like, by the way, only a prime can kill me. And you're like, hey, hey, I've only heard of one robot with prime in its name. As a last name, because we find out, right? There's a family circuit tree that we didn't know about. An oil line? I don't know what this would be.

It's a keystone pipeline comes out and fights people. Yeah, they're like a clan. We're the clan prime. Like, what? The clan? Well, not the clan, but like, you know, the clan's like the clan. Like the Clan McLeod. A good clan.

Yeah, not a bad. Yeah, not the clan. A clan. C, not K. Big difference. They sound the same. But yeah, I mean, and there's like, but so there's optimist prime, and we find out later that the fallen was himself a prime at one point. Right.

So this is like from the beginning. In the beginning, he's slaughtering a bunch of these. There's a party bus prime who's really, yeah. voiced by Larry the cable guy, which is, no, I wish that. Totally. Then you've got a red English double-decker bus prime. That's voiced by Steve Coogan. Unicycle Prime.

Who's voicing unicycle Prime? That's a Gilbert Godfrey. Oh, yeah, okay. You know what, Paul Rubens and Gilbert, they vied for the role. Black Dog Prime, voiced by meatloaf a day. Of course. But of course. Oh, and in this movie, he would definitely be credited his meatloaf a day.

He is a bot out of hell. Oh, brum. Oh. Yeah, I mean, like, so we find out that, yeah, I mean, we find a lot you don't need to know. But there's so much fucking leap-glop history. Now that Megatron's back, he's going to kill Optimus Prime, which he does pretty quickly. Yeah. And like, does anyone in the theater, is anyone like, oh, my God, Optimus Prime is dead forever?

Holy shit, he's dead forever. Mom, he's dead forever. Get in here. can attest to something here. I saw this in theaters. Oh, did you? I heard no less than five people crying. The dudes behind me didn't take it so well.

Are you serious? They thought he was dead. What are you talking about? This is the passion of the Christ. Dude, these nerds thought that he was fucking dead. And it was all this, because they were talking through the whole movie and it was a lot of chatter about like, oh, trying to do something

crazy for the sequels. And I was like, no, dude, he's clearly not fucking dead. Will you wait 10 minutes? Also, he's a car. Like, it's not like he can't come back. Exactly. Just get him with a jumper cables. Exactly.

Rebuild him. He's a fucking car. No one's like, oh my God, he's dead. Optimus Prime is dead. Oh, my God. It's a war on Autobots. Wow. Do you think anyone killed themselves?

They walked out of the theater when it happened. It could have happened. There's a lot of people on this planet. It's like the happening. Everyone just starts killing. Oh, my God, Optimus Prime is dead. You know what? While watching these movies,

this is only the second one, I've already thought about killing myself. I don't want to continue. I don't want to go on. He turns in the new one. Yeah, that's, dude, it's much like Fate of the Furious. I'm going to have to see what's going on.

Are you going to turn your bot on bot? Wait, now. Back on fat on, you're going to turn your bot on fame. Turn your back on your bumper. Your bumper, right. You're going to turn your back on bots.

Mm-hmm. I think that's. bots. Yeah, I mean, so Optimus Prime gets viciously murdered. And this is some weird, like, again, it's much like the mafia, man. They're just like, we're going to meet in the middle of this secluded fucking forest. The funny, the stupidest piece of trivia is, uh, they, they filmed this for some reason on Native American reservation land and had to kill, had to cut down no fewer than six trees. Oh my God. I thought you're going to say had to kill no fewer than six Native Americans. They might have. And they, they, as a, as a, as a, as a, as a, as a, as a, as a, as a, as a,

they, like, planted 6,000 more or something like that. And, like, well, and Michael Bay felt really bad about it. I'm like, well, I don't give a shit. Film anywhere else. Why? Like, what was so great about this forest? You also exhumed a couple of burial grounds in the process. Yes, exactly.

Dig them up. You know what you say that, but the sequence... Well, I also had to burn some of their records. I just had... I needed to. I mean, you say that, but the sequence, when it starts snowing and Optimus Prime and Starscream are trying to find their way out, but can't. It gets really good. For that one sequence, I thought it got really good.

You mean everything that's a fucking computer? They could have just taken like a still photograph and fucking done everything else in Photoshop. This entire franchise is Photoshop. So he dies and it's real sad. It's a brutal death though. He's impaled by Megatron and like sparks and it looks kind of like lava at one point.

like burst out of his chest. Sparks the band? What? Does Megatron have a cool zinger or no? He keeps on calling him weak, even though he just killed two of his lieutenants. Yeah, I don't know if there's any... It's just weak.

He's always constantly like, you are weak, optimist. Oh, yeah. Can I tell a story from college where I almost got my ass kicked? Yes, please. Does anyone remember the drink? It's kind of period accurate.

In 2006, called Sparks. Yes, I do. You was an orange, alcoholic, but it was like an energy drink. Yes. And somebody brought them. It was like the predecessor to the Four Loca. It was. Ask your grandparents about that. And

ask your parents about Four Locke. At this point. And ask your parents about why they give a fuck about Transformers movies. Because it's for old people. This guy, I had had a couple of drinks and this guy was in my face like, you fucking stole my drink. And I was like, no,

I didn't. I remember this. I remember this. This is amazing. And because he's anyone, he's a lot bigger than I am. And he's like, you stole my fucking drink, you son of a bitch. I'm like, no, I didn't steal your, man, I didn't steal your fucking stupid drink. What was your dumb drink? He's like, it was sparks. Well, I wouldn't drink that shit, you idiot.

He goes, well, then why the fuck's your tongue orange? Oh man, that dude had you tender rights. Only my tongue is supposed to be orange at this party. I just had a lot of creamsicles. Yeah, I'm a big slice fan. I think I gave that guy money at the end of the situation. I think I opened my wallet to make things work. You know what we didn't talk about?

I think it's important. Before the adventure kicks off, so we'll pause the adventure discussion here for a second. There's the big discovery when Megan Fox is told that, oh, some Transformers shit be happening again. And she's like, oh, I'll be on a plane and be there and three. I'm going to cross country fly. to your East Coast college and we're going to figure this Transformer shit out and this is when like Babatron comes back

and knocks down his dorm room door and she's like trying to make out with him and whatnot and Megan Fox opens the door and she's like oh is that your girlfriend and Megan Fox is like X and walks away so then she slams the door and this this Babatron is like all right now for the big reveal my fucking robot tongue Yeah.

And like a strangles. She also has a robot tail, by the way. Yep, which we get because you get a fucking nice shot of it coming out of her dress that you totally see. Oh, thanks a lot, Michael Beck. Tape man. Oh, it looks like that dress is having trouble staying down. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, tape man.

That's what he's doing there. Oh, let me get my green screen tape. Don't worry, Michael. They'll do a good job with my green screen tape. The best part about green screen tape is when you look at it on film, you can't see nothing. And their rolls, nice tail. And their rolls are thick. Fucking tape, man.

How did he get hired back? Oh, he's the best. Their best buzz. I went to college together. So, yeah, you see all the whole thing. Oh, well, her fucking, like, robot tongue whips out. And, you know, it's just a whole disgusting thing. She kind of turns into robot species aliens.

Yes. Yes. Yes, she definitely does. And you see, like, her flesh, like, fall apart and turn into robot stuff? Yeah. Okay. You can't, listen, you can't just have that. She has to be the villain on the moon.

We need to explain what it is. Yes. Exactly. You got to talk about all the science. It's like, oh, no, the Deceptor. Shamwickwickwicki, the Decepticons have learned how instead of being a robot that turns into a car, they turn into a babe. Exactly. And, like, that's, like, the new, you know, like, hot villain.

and whatnot, and, like, that takes over everything. Megatron made it with, like, Kathy Ireland, and, like, Kathy Ireland, deep pull. Oh, yeah, pull. And this is his offspring, and she's trying to, like... But then once she's murdered, some point later in the film, there's a chase sequence to which Megan Fox says, kiss this bitch. Yeah, at one point. Sure, that's great.

But once his robot's dead, there's no more like it. No, nothing. I want an army of these things. Of course. Maybe she comes back, well, we'll know in the future movies, which we'll be watching next week and the week after the week after that. Oh, that's totally right. There's still somehow three more of these.

So the Transformers go to New York, like a systematic takeover of everything. This is, you got this in the trailer, man. Oh, my God, you guys, that robot knocking down the American flag on the Brooklyn Bridge. Have you ever seen anything more disrespectful to the flag than a robot kicking it off a bridge? It's not even cool. Like, it's not. It's not. and it goes off and it's like

all right like it's not like if it was a close up and he rips it off and he breaks it over his robot knee that'd be like oh man who'd be like when uh uh uh the iron chic would come out and do that and they're going boo boo boo the iron cheek that's right man these decepticons are heels they are

the iron sheik should have been a decepticon I fuck you up ass decepticon yeah and he just called the iron cheek yeah it would be awesome yeah it would be cool yeah it's a It's a big robot that turns into the iron sheet. It would have to be really racist. So it would turn into like an oil truck or something.

Also in this whole like we're invading New York, there's a scene where Megatron and it's probably Starscream, I don't know, who cares. They both land on the top of a building in Manhattan and like have an argument. That's Starscream. And like fucking Megatron's like Robert De Niro kicking this robot and shit. And I'm like, where is anyone? There's 8 million people in this town. What the fuck are you doing?

Here's your shine box. Here's your shine box. But it's like, dude, if two gigantic robots landed on a helipad on the top of a building and one kick the other one in the robot's stomach, that's making the news. New York One has it. Oh, totally. The copter is out, man. Pac-Hiernan's talking about that shit for days.

Well, that's what happens is Megatron jacks into the feed and he makes this thing, which also comes to nothing where it's like if anyone in the world, like, We're holding the world hostages at this point. We're robots. You have to give a Sam Whitwicky or else, you know, it will kill all of you. Yeah. And it's almost like that scene in the dark night, but it's not. Like the scene where it's like, oh, if you don't give me that, you know, Bruce Wayne or whatever that other white guy is.

Like that something, this is nothing. Well, his biggest crime is that he interrupts a Bud Light, Lyme commercial. He does. Oh, man. I think I saw something on the Tribune that said that this movie holds the record for most. amount of various product placements as of 2011 though I'm pretty sure we must have beaten that well the yeah the record was like 41 or 47 or something like that no thank you what an outrageous amount of product placement like I did not

have beef with Dairy Queen and Guardians too yeah I got beef with this amount of shit there's mountain dew in like the they have a machine they have a mountain do machine in their domer cave oh right in the dorm room I had a real problem with that it's what are you a bad sitcom? It's just everywhere. So they wind up, the problem with both of the, at least the first and the second movie is each half of the movie has its own McGuffin. And there's two. And like that gets

resolved and then they're like, well now we've got to find this other thing. So the first one, it's like, oh, we need to find this little sliver. So Megan Fox has it and she brings it someplace. Right. And then they're like, oh, well, now we got to go find the other stuff. The certificate of excellence? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, wait. What is it called? The Matrix of Leadership. Oh, sorry. Dude, that's a fucking Scientology level if I ever heard one. Come on with that matrix of excellence. Jesus Christ, you Seacore, motherfucker. Did we talk about John Titorre yet, how they meet up with him? He's like a fishmonger now.

What is going on here? Dude, he's laying low. He's running a meat shop. So the, so the roommate is like, oh, I know a person who could help us find whatever the else fuck we're looking for. His internet handle is fucking dude wizard or whatever. You know, I can set up a meeting and whatnot. So then it's cut to this deli in New York

and here is John Totoro just getting ready to build a new house. It's just like, oh my God. I love the man, but this character is so terrible. And by the way, I checked it out. I paused it because the same thing happens in the first movie. 75 ever-loving minutes until you get Totoro on screen.

And then you've got another hour and 10 minutes left, remember. Because this is kind of Tutoro's movie. Like, once he shows up, like in the first one, there's all this shit you had no idea what's going on that's about to get rammed down your throat. And you're like, dude, end your movie already. You don't leave out Shia LeBuff and Megan Fox and make it about this dude.

Like down on the luck, like his sector 7 or whatever fucking bullshit. He's a transformer hunter. Yeah. Yeah. That'd be cool. He's fucking hit hard times and he's got a grudge. Make it like a twister type movie where he has to go like he goes to Egypt to find them. Get him a trench coat.

Get him a night of trench coat. Now we're doing stuff. Just make sure he doesn't have those gross feet like he does in that show. E. That's the thing. I mean, I know it's supposed to be gross. But he gads those fucking feet. So like he's living with his mother because he's a loser and that's always a fun joke.

That's a good source of jokes. You love to punch down, don't you, Michael Bay? So he's living with his mom. Well, didn't you know Michael Bay killed his own mother? Right. Oh, my goodness. No, you had a tape guy do it, and he watched. So he got her good, Mark.

You're a movie now, Mom. We're going to use Electrical for this. The genre is called Snuff. I'm Michael Bay, the bad guy of Hollywood. I mean, it kind of is. I'm a bad boy. Right, I mean, he's kind of like infamously difficult. Yes.

Right, that's like a thing. An asshole, I think, is the word. Oh, is that right? Yes. Yeah. So, John Dutero has all this new information that he didn't have in the first movie. He's like, oh, remember what I told you that it was only 1900? What I meant was the beginning of time.

Well, because he's been... My mistake, I said 1900. I actually meant the beginning of time. Because he's been clickety clacking on the internet, man. been doing research for the last two years. Sure. And his basement walls tell a tale. He's got a beheaded Gremlin in a case.

Yeah, well, that's his little souvenir from the first movie, man. That was the little guy. Oh, that's right. And there's another Italian robot that is like with Megan Fox. The one that's hump in her leg. Yeah. Megan Foxx's like really, right? That is Willie. He turns

into a little remote control like RC car. Yeah. And it's Tom Kenny. Like the legendary Tom Kenney doing, I think, a Steve Buscemi impression? Kind of, sort of, yeah. It's really, I thought it was Steve Buscemi at first. I got to check that IMD, man. You have to, because I was like, Jesus, first this franchise got Totoro, now they got

Bouchemi? Actually, now that you say it, it is almost exactly the same voice he used in Monsters Inc. Yeah, it kind of is. It's weird. So he's like, oh, you know, oh, you have these symbols. Let's go to the Smithsonian Museum to figure it out. Oh, yeah. By the way, we do get an, in the first movie, we allude to, we actually put W. Bush on screen, but we do, Obama's president at this point.

Obama went to the bunker. Yep, yep, we got in that bunker. That coward went in a bunker. Well, there are a lot of folks who sometimes turn into robots and some other folks don't. Do you think Trump's going to be president last night? Oh, maybe. Anthony Hopkins might have some line praising him. or something. All hail President Trump. Give him a chance. Thank you.

I want to just, we're gathered here today to thank the Decepticons on their heroic mission. Very good. Very good, good stuff. So these like, there's like original Transformers

or whatever that hit Earth first. They were called Seekers or some shit. Sure. And so, yeah, we're told that one of these dudes is hanging in the Smithsonian, because the little battery-powered car one, he, like, reads the symbol. And he's like, ah, it's real.

These guys are real old school. Oh, yeah, fucking shudder, indeed. You get to see John Dutro's ass in the next scene because Michael Bay is not like, that's true. Everybody gets it. Yeah. Tape guy.

Your character now has special underwear. I'm going to tape up that junk. Make sure nothing's falling. down you might want to shave first so we see his ass for no reason they they meet up with this old british transformer right yeah he's just some dude and it's yeah he's like a it's like a stealth fighter that turns into this old bastard right this is jet fire yeah well this is the only one that's an actual character because apparently he's been around forever which is also crazy because he's he's like a stealth fighter yes yeah which is like developed in what like he also has a titanium

beard. Yes. Which is weird. He sort of looks like Jeffrey Rush and those Pirates of the Caribbean movies. Yeah, actually. And the most interesting philosophical question that Jetfire raises because like, they're like, what are you, a Decepticot? He's like, no, I'm not all used to be, but then all stopped.

And then, like, Wheely is like, you can stop being a Decepticon. I'm like, wait, what? Like, nobody even knows how they become Decepticons are not. It's a choice now. I looked this up. This is canon, apparently. It was like in, like, the comics or something. jet fires just like, thank you

Optimus Prime for sparing my life and I will now serve the Autobots. That's crazy. I just thought like you were born with blue eyes or you're born with red eyes. If you get blue eyes, uh-oh, you're an Autobot. Whoops, now you're a Decepticots. You get red eyes and that is it. It's crazy man, you can switch Allegiance. You would think it's

programming, right? Because you're a robot. A bot. It says it right in your fucking name. But you know what's even crazier about all that? like this jet this jet fire dude switching allegiances

or the fact that he's hundreds of years old but turns into a thing that was invented in the 1980s he's from the caveman he's apparently like a seeker which was around when the fallen was

I can't keep watch it straight but here's the craziest part of all of it you guys why does a robot need a cane that's a great point because he's just got I guess it's just some extra pole that the fucking fighter didn't

need. Why not use that pole to fix whatever the fuck is wrong with your leg? Yeah, stick that in your leg. There's nothing wrong with his leg. He uses it for BDSM. Oh, I see. Yeah. I see. Fair enough. Also, Jetfire, just to make sure that

the laughs keep coming, totally farts. Oh, yeah, he sure does. Yes, an oil fart. There's a fart and humping of Megan Fox's leg within 30s. he's like fucking going to town he's about to fucking cream on her leg and she's into it she's like oh it's cute she's like i'm training him shy at least it's loyal oh that's right because he's been humping he's only fucking one leg oh michael look it's just like you

oh michael look i hate you michael bay thank you oh god i hope your heart rocks this is reminding me of like dr loomish michael michael do not direct that movie Megan, get your ass away from there. The director is in the house. Did you ever see Michael Bay do? Scout Territory? Lifeless eyes. Ever since Bad Boys, too, he's been locked up in here,

but now they're giving him transformers. I thought after the island it would be all over. Directed this whole franchise didn't say a word. He hasn't spoken a word in years. Dead black eyes. And then he directed 13 hours, and I knew he was beyond saving. See his film, it's evil.

I saw a 53-year-old man, sheriff, who was pure evil. And he's coming home tonight. And he keeps on doing P90X. People will die. He just says explosion, explosion. so whatever man there's just a giant robot fight oh we so we transport to Egypt this is another thing I didn't know transformers could do this guy

teleports yeah I would like more of that sure why are we doing that all the time is this is it is just fire the only one no I want to his face the fallen the fallen does the fallen doesn't the fallen does a night crawler but yeah the fallen yeah he is just charging his ass this entire movie totally he's got a fucking USB cord come out of his bunghole um so we could We go to Egypt. We learn that there are symbols and blah, blah, blah, blah. The matrix of leadership.

We got to go find it. We drive around. We get a really offensive Deep Roy cameo. Oh, you better believe it. Because Deep Roy is like a border guard and they're all in a car. And John Dutero is like, no, this is my family. We're going on vacation. We're going to go see the pyramids.

And like, and that's fine. Like this is funny, not funny, but like, you know, it's Deep Roy. and like he's up in a tower and you're like, oh, oh, here comes the bad guy and it winds up being Deeproy who's a little person and that's like a joke.

That's the gag. The gags don't stop there though. But then like, Tutuio just keeps going like, didn't you serve me falafel once? Hey, what, didn't you like serve me some food? You fuck? It's like, whoa, what movie am I watching?

It's so dumb and he does that, like so here's the thing. And I'm sure that's in the script. I'm not blaming Tutor for that at all. No, not at all. But like you're trying to get into you know, whatever, this like secret area in Egypt or you know like yeah you're trying to drive to the pyramids

and whatnot so you can't you can't just like fucking waltz to the pyramids but he's like oh I got it under control and he's like we're tourists from New York City so Deep Roy has to be like oh new York City yeah oh of course go right in New York City oh yes big apple Frank Sinatra go Yankees yes Metropolitan yes nobody has their papers on them whatsoever no there's no papers? These people will be shot in the fucking head detained for a very long time. Are you kidding me? Egypt in 2009? Are you fucking kidding

me? Stop it. So they go and they find this weird looking dagger thing which is the second thing we're looking for and it turns to dust and whoops it turned to dust. That's a total bummerment and this of course is the what is it the medallion of freedom The Certificate of Excellence.

It's a participation award. Millennials need their participation trophies. Even millennial fucking robots. They're $9 cups of gasoline. No, it's the matrix of leadership. Oh, matrix of leadership. How can I forget? He puts it

in a sock and he's like, oh, you know, this will probably bring back Optimus Prime because of course, why not? Let me call up my buddy Josh Dumail so that we can invade Egypt. America's just going to invade Egypt real quick. By the world is under global attack

at this point, right? Like, yep. The robots have declared war on the world. Yeah, these Decepticons are doing it to it, man. And, like, the government shuts down. For some reason, the government doesn't, I mean, I understand. The government doesn't trust the Autobots because, like, hey, you're just another one of them robots. Right, yeah. You look just like that other one.

Barack Obama asks the government agent asshole to tell the fucking Autobots to get out of town. Well, I just think that we need to just all sit them down. Got to talk about this, figure this out. We'll fix Optimus Prime is a little too big to fail. Some of these Autobots, these Decepticons, like to pop off on people. Sam Whitwicky, we'll die. Optimus Prime is too big for to fail. He is.

We're going to have to take some taxpayer money and bankroll. Got to bail out the Autobots without the Autobot industry, America. The Autobot industry. Let's get to work. Yeah, so then we just kind of wage war. It's a big fucking robot fight, man. This shit, last forever. They kidnap his parents in Paris.

There's a hilarious fucking thing where she's refusing to eat escargo, which fuck you. Escargo is delicious. It's amazingly good. You think, now you're listening here and you're thinking we're crazy, but it's actually good. It is the best. If you ever go to a French restaurant that has escargo on it, that's the thing you get. Just get it. Just get it.

It's great. It's amazing. Don't listen to this ignorant movie. movie um but star scream calls his mother and he's like oh right it's a lewd phone call he's doing lute phone calls from space that's never happened before right this guy's oiling off so yeah so they get kidnapped way earlier in the movie so then they're just dumped the they're like go to plan b and they get dumped out in the middle of the desert and dumel is like bringing up the idea is like so sam waitwick he's like hey by the way um bring my my robot by

here. I think I could fix them. Get his fucking dead ass in here. So we fly to Egypt. We bring all these fucking robots and everything. The government would shoot this plane down. Josh Dumel's not like the most important general ever. He's a dude who's part of a team that was just dissolved. Egypt's now the 51st state. I guess so. Yeah, we just fucking invade this country. Because he's got this like really sympathetic superior who keeps being, who's like, well, if it's Josh Dumel, he's never been wrong before it's like yeah say that in a fucking council you get hung so you'll get hung what happens here there the bots fight and sam wood wiki and megan fox run around for an hour like literally pretty much it's the most boring it's watching paint dry it is it's watching cg i and we're like

205 210 so like if you watched if at the end of this movie at the end of this movie if you watch star wars and empire strikes back back to back you'd be off off already like you know what i mean like You would have finished all of Star Wars and had all that really cool hoth shit happened. Well, we're on Dagabobah! At the end of this stupid movie.

This is longer than the longest Star Wars. Oh, yeah. By like six whole minutes, I think. It's outrageous, and they only get longer, get ready for next week. But so, so yeah, we're just fine. This is this Devastator thing, which just, it's a bunch of transformers in one.

It's a pretty violent fucking that he gives his other parts. You see this part where it's like, because it's basically it's a bunch of transformers that come together. Like one, like, it grabs the hips to something and goes, shunk. Yeah, it gets fucking Pacinoed. And it turns into this thing, which is cool, which is like a suckbod, essentially.

But why is it the suckbott the thing? Exactly. Why is there another Tony Todd thing when this thing, no offense, Tony Todd, is way cooler looking than your robot. Yeah. Because this, this is stupid. It's just, oh, it's just overfilling. Because it's all about, it's all about the overstuffed. It's all about those fans that you saw this movie with

who can elbow nudge and be like, that's Devastator, that's Ripclaw, that's something else. Somebody else is going to show up. Oh, Ripclaw. I made that up. That might be a thing. Well, Ripclaw is kind of a pretty cool. It's a transformer in me. Yeah, well, they could be that. It could be like a school in Harry Potter. No, any of those things.

A doctor in Harry Potter, too. Dr. Ripclaw. Oh, shit. Now you don't want to get Dr. Ripclaw. So Skids and Mudflap have been insufferable the whole movie. And they wind up going to Egypt as well. and they become like John Duturo's buddies essentially and like Devastator meets them first

and starts sucking up everything right and it's like sucking things up blowing things up people are dying and it sucks up like either skids or mudflap or whatever The red one Skids I believe And you're like oh good I was about to give this movie an A plus

Because like if that thing just got destroyed And that's what like It's a jar jar binks but you know it And like nobody cares so we're gonna kill this fucking thing Look, there's like hundreds of Transformers, man. We should be off in these things left and fucking right. But he comes out as like, yeah, don't fuck with me, man. Yeah, you try to fucking eat me, bro!

And like bursts out of its head. And you're just like, no, boo. Boots, man. Like that, what a cool thing. You saw this annoying character get murdered. Awesome. Yes. And also, I mean, this like the mouth that this Devastator has on a man.

What a mouth. The mouth on him. but like it's it's like a little garbage disposal and you see stuff going into it and getting ground up and everything it's like how did this little red turd survive come on and now this is the thing that is like the main villain for the most of the next 25 minutes and i know that it doesn't matter if anybody even gets sucked up into it yeah exactly because they're just gonna if if this little fucking idiot thing can rip out of it optimist prime is going to behead the thing exactly nobody cares right so optimist prime is revived by this like the shards or whatever. First of all, Sam dies, right? So Sam gets like shot by... I was asleep on the couch. Sam gets shot by

Megatron and like the movie stops dead, thank God, because it was going way too fast for me. Yeah. And everyone like it's all slow motion crying, blah, blah, blah. And they're like, oh my God. And now someone in the audience, the dumbest man in the audience, it's like, oh man, they killed Sam too! This

movie is pulling no punches and I'm loving it. Yeah, and also like everyone, even the military is all sad. And I'm like, 70 of your guys must have died during this mission. Oh, yeah. Oh, I watched this whole fucking platoon get taken out. Also, if you're in this platoon, you're mutining against fucking Josh Dumel for sure. Oh, we're going to Egypt.

Why? Yeah, you're cutting his throat in the desert. Oh, no, Josh. I think Josh Dumil and Tyrese are both getting it. Exactly. I don't know about these fucking robots. I work for the U.S. motherfucking government. I'm not taking orders from a teenager.

Yeah, I don't see no Uncle Sam here. But so we go finally to Transformer Heaven. Oh, heaven. Oh, my God. Heaven is the place where robots turn into cars. And again, where is Jesus in this robot heaven? You know what, man? Where is Jesus?

You know, all those fucking... Does Jesus have a V8 engine? All these Christians love to protest the Harry Potter movies because it's like, oh, it's witchcraft. This movie says heaven is for a robot. only. Yep. And prime robots only. This is specifically prime heaven, man. Oh, it's like

aristocratic. It's fucked up. Absolutely. They're like snow plows. Well, dude, that's... Heaven is only for primes and the Rothschild. I mean, dude, appropriately enough, we're in Egypt, man. The ancient Egyptians believe the richer you were, that's how you got in, baby. That's it. It's all

these primes are up there. And all these primes in like non-car form, by the way. They just look like robot like queen xenomorphs. They look disgusting. Who did one of the voices? Frank Welker. Michael York.

Oh, right. Is he the main? I would assume he's the main. He was credited as Prime number one. And he's like, oh, by the, so by the way, Optimus Prime isn't dead. Don't worry. And by the way, the Matrix of Leadership isn't found. It's earned.

That's right. And you know what, buddy? You got it. You did it. You did it, dude. You did it, pal. You sacrificed yourself for an already dead robot. And you know what's weird?

You know what's weird? I'm a robot, but I have power over human life. Boom, there it is. There it is. But you know what? I know the human god, too, and we're buddies. I know we talk. So, you know, you've got a pass down there, too.

Why the fuck would a robot heaven be, look exactly like the Christian idea of heaven, which is just like fucking clouds and rainbows everywhere? Wouldn't it be like an awesome garage? Yeah, it would be like Jay Leno's house. Yeah, dude, Jay's garage. Exactly. There's just one little servant in a denim shirt that walks around. How you doing? Welcome to heaven. Oh, man.

And just denim wallpaper. Totally. You might have a fill you up. Fill you up? Can't see it okay? A wipe of fluid or what? This is great. This is for all eternity.

Do you hear about this? You're dead. It just makes no sense. I got a question. Who is the third president? I don't know, do you? Mavis has called me. I got to go. Oh, poor Mavis.

Or would they just be strewn with VCRs or something? Like, you know what else is up there? Yeah, I don't know. Dead VCR bots. Yeah. A bunch of dead VCR bots. At this point, man, some fucking discount HD DVD players. It all goes up there, man.

Those guys, they're up there for sure. A bunch of Teddy rubskins are up there. Oh, absolutely. Why wasn't he in this thing? Oh, man. Tons and tons of Furbys. Furbys, just scattering the landsk. The field of Furbys.

Tickle me Elmo's. Just up there. And then just like when it rains, it rains dead tomogatches. Yeah, this is robot heaven, man. And Jay's knees really hurt those days, too. So he's like, you know, By the way, go back to Earth because I have that power and now you can revive Optimus Prime.

Zapp. And he like stabs Optimus Prime in the heart. This is awesome. He is fucking John Travolta and Pulp Fiction. My black fucking medical book. Where is it? Where's my little black mechanical book? Get this dead fucking bot out of my living room.

Just stab the bot in the heart. You have to break through it with all the shit in her face. Oh my God. So the movie's over, right? No, not. No, you've got another 30 minutes. But the podcast is over, though. So, finally, Tony Todd shows up.

Tony Todd, by the way, speaking to Star Wars, looks like one of those Genotion bug things a lot. Oh, yeah, he does, actually. He's a little spirit. Yeah, it's disgusting. And he starts fucking things up. He can, he's really cool. He can teleport.

He can, like, raise everybody up with, like, gravity powers. He could bore me to sleep, basically. He's doing it all. And Optimus Prime wakes up. He gets souped up. And, like, Jetfire is like, you know, dude, you're not going to be able to beat these guys. This is weird. I've lived a full robot life.

Here, take my whole body. Hey, cannibalize me. And he's like, when you do this, you will feel powers unlike anything you felt before. And he's like, instantly starts killing himself. And it's like, now you have to do it. You got to do it. Hey, I rip my own heart out. You've got to do it.

You're welcome. So he becomes, wow, this is really awkward. shit, I honor him by doing this. I can't put this in me. I mean, does anyone have any ice? Does anyone have a card of ice to store this until we find someone who can install it? Does anybody have a USB court?

Shit, he was Japanese and I am German. Our parts don't combine. Way to back me into a corner, jet fire. We need to get to a sob dealership. So then it becomes like Uber Optimus Prime, And from there, he literally destroys Tony Todd in under a minute. Although, at least he gets the mask. He covers his stupid fucking lips and goes.

Yep, you're totally right. He gets the mask. He gets like wings and shit. And like, yeah, he kills. Jason, where he's finally getting the hockey mask in part three. Because the fallen is cracking open the pyramids like a fucking piggy bank. Yeah, there's some like device stuck in there. Oh, it's going to like destroy the sun or something.

Oh, that's right. We are going to destroy the sun. That's what John Titoro realizes. Yeah. He's going to give himself to it before. For a while, John Duturo is trying to kill himself like nobody's business.

He has, I think, at least two times where he's like, this is it, this is for me, I'm going out. And then like he doesn't get killed. It's like death by transformer. He wants to go this way. What could do the alternative is you just go back to Brooklyn

and live with mom. Yeah, that's not fun. Your fucking shitty deli. So yeah, he's murdered almost instantly. And then what's fucked up is Optimus Prime. is like walking away from the pyramid like strutten back and he's like well i fucking did it now the fallen is dead and he rips off all of those extra parts that jetfire gave him like let me get this garbage off of me it's like oh my god dude that guy sacrificed himself for you what are you

talking about here find a good garbage dump for that does egypt recycle now you know what i don't give a fuck get this rusty trash off me Build a house or two. It's amazing. It's insane. It's like, it's this emotional sacrifice. Like, well, it's a little heavy for my taste. Doesn't really go with my red and blue.

Get this fucking trash off me. So does the movie end now? I mean, almost, sort of. Can you stand on a fucking aircraft carrier? Right. Well, everybody's excited. We're reunited. And then, yeah, we're on an aircraft carrier.

And it's another. Megatron escapes because why that? They're like, you know what, Megatron, it ain't worth it. And he's like, we'll see you next movie. And they all fly away, which, okay, fine. I think everyone's just tired at that point. And then it's bullshit because Optimus Prime again is like, By the way, anyone receiving this message, we're on Earth.

I was like, that's how this shit fucking started at the first place. Stop hitting reply all, okay? No one wants your fucking newsletter, God damn it. If you could hear this, if you're in fucking. in space. Bring it on down, man. By the way, if you want to compatible be compatible with me for like 20

seconds, you could give up your life. Fuck, I thought I marked this for promotions. No, it's not spam. You've got to read the whole thing. The whole thing. And you must forward it to 12 people. It won't work.

Maybe a ghost will come out or something. So then, like, he goes back to class. Rayne Wilson smiles at him and Lincoln Park starts playing. Yeah, cue up that Lincoln Park. Are they in every movie? I think so.

We're two for two right now. Lincoln Park, you got a ton of bad Green Day in this movie. Nickelback, baby. Nickelback. You got a Taking Back Sunday song at the end of the credits. I hate the thing where it's like,

we're just putting a bunch of songs and shit. They thematically have nothing to do with this movie at all. We're just going to put him in. It's like, that Taking Back Sunday song in the middle of the credits has nothing to do with anything. But Andrew, it's a Michael.

Bay movie. None of it matters. Michael. Put it down, Michael. End this tape guy. We're just getting started. Because Megan Fox does not return, right? No, she does not. Yeah, this is her last ride, man. The Lory Strode has escaped.

And that's it. That's Transformers' Revenge of the Fallen. Would anybody recommend this movie? Absolutely not. I think I recommended the last one, didn't I? I think I might have... I think it may be like a soft recommend. Absolutely not on this one. This is where we're way off a cliff.

At least the first one, like, there's the fun of figuring it out, sort of... Not really, but, you know, there's sort of... Enough. This one is just like... We're reinventing the premise, but not really, and we're not really introducing... We're introducing new characters

if we're not paying anything off. It's just not good. We're introducing them, but we're not, like, giving them the attention I don't know anything about Tony Todd. And some of the spectacle is cool enough and might even be better than the first movie, but I could not care any less.

I mean, I do think that the effects holdups. And now it's 2009, it's eight years ago. Yeah, I don't know. It looks fine. It looks like a Michael Bay cartoon movie. Sure. The Devastator thing looks cool. It's all impressive CGI, but like, you got nothing.

I, like, cannot remember what happens in Egypt. like i have a vague impression of what goes on but like that's so much of this movie just glossed over i just was like what like and i just wasn't caring like and there were plenty of cool visuals that i should have been caring i didn't well don't worry dude you're going to care next week when we go to the dark side of the moon and there's a secret fucking transformer base on it oh is there a little person dead in the background that i don't know yeah dude can we sink up a floyd record of this shit

Oh, that might be something. I don't, is, did Pink Floyd ever put out an album that was two hours and 45 minutes long? Oh. You're kidding me, that's two hours and 45 minutes? Yeah, something like that. So this is a distress beacon. This podcast is an SOS. If anyone out there can hear us.

Save us or kill us. Kill us dead. I don't know if I can continue on the show, but we will see. See the next week to see if I'm still here. Yeah, or, you know, if you happen to. see me between no, actually I'll already have seen it. So there's no point in killing me then. Yeah. Well, if you

see us, kill us. Yeah, just in general. August 5th, Bellhouse. That's Transformers, Revenge of the Fallen, directed by Michael Bay. If you want more we hate movies, check out WHMpodcast.com or find us over on the Headgum Network page. Rate and review and iTunes or wherever you get us. We'd greatly appreciate it. Like us on

Facebook. Follow us on Twitter. We are at WHM podcast, right into the mailbag. We all hate movies at gmail.com next week on the program the summer blockbuster extravaganza does indeed continue with Transformers 3

which I believe is called Transformers colon dark of the moon yes it is that's what you like fucking bad but don't we get voice acting from legendary Leonard Nimoy in that movie?

I do believe so which I find out he's Michael Bay's cousin what? He's married to he was married to Michael Bayes through marriage yeah

oh thank God Your cousins, Michael. You're related. It's next week on the show. More Transformers are coming. Until then, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Zayn. Chris Cadmintron.

Eric Siskatron. Take it easy. Thank you.