We Hate Movies - S7 Ep306: Episode 306 - Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Episode Date: June 20, 2017

On this week's episode, our Transformers-a-thon for the first part of our 2017 Summer Blockbuster Extravaganza rolls on as we tackle the THIRD film in this ludicrous franchise, "Transformers: Dark of the Moon"! This week, we welcome our good friend, "We Are Strangers" and "Outer Spaces" director, Sean Weiner into the studio to discuss the important issues raised by this film including: why exploit Leonard Nimoy like this? Who asked to see the great city of Chicago decimated in such a fashion? And thank goodness for all that robot-on-human murder! PLUS: These movies would be 1000% better if you replaced Shia LaBeouf with M. Emmet Walsh! "Dark of the Moon" stars Shia LaBeouf, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Josh Duhamel, John Turturro, Tyrese Gibson, Patrick Dempsey, Frances McDormand, John Malkovich, Kevin Dunne, Julie White, Alan Tudyk, Ken Jeong, Buzz Aldrin, Peter Cullen, Hugo Weaving, Leonard Nimoy, Jess Harnell, James Remar, and the legendary Frank Welker; directed by Michael Bay.Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, gang, if you're not hip to our Patreon yet, that's where we, of course, have our side shows like animation, animation, damnation, and the Nexus, which is our Star Trek podcast. By the way, there's over nine hours of the Nexus that you would unlock if you joined right now. That's wild shit. Yeah, you get all of it. All of it. And I mean, like, it's a great show that also helps support the main show. Like, we're all the same people. I'm not like, you know, I don't have two, I do have two pockets, but, you know, the same pants. Yeah, it's not like, you know, it's going to like Save by the Bell the New Class or something. Like screeching on there. It's all the same guys. Now, here's the thing, though. What we also put on there nowadays, these

commentary tracks, our syncable commentary tracks, and we wanted to tell you, we got a new one out. This is big. Pay attention. Big news, man. The second commentary of 2017, the Twilight Mentary. Oh. That's right. That is our live syncable commentary on the 2008 film,

Twilight. And that's the, we also have the takenmentary of taken to Taking two, Menteri. That's right. That's on there. What came before? And we had to... Mutantin Ninja Turtles 2014. Yes. Mentary. Yeah. Mentary. No guarantees that we'll release these to the public, but if you subscribe to our Patreon, patreon.com slash we hate movies, those commentaries at that $8 level, you have

access to all three immediately. And, you know, $8, it's like you're buying one of us a beer, you know? Just, you know, you got to give back a little bit. Exactly. Well, it's basically buying everyone in the show three beers a year. Which is not that much. No. You know you're drinking way more than three beers a year. Exactly.

And, you know, it helps us get out to see you guys, and we go out and we say hello. Well, that's the thing, right? That's like this, like, it's like this shows like a snake eating itself, right? It's like a Chris Cabin eating itself. Because what it is is, we use a snake in the grass. He's a real snake in the grass. Yeah, God damn, that guy. I hate his rotten snake guts.

Oh, God, a fucking bastard. Now, let's... Oh, but yeah, we're talking about sparkling vampires and, you know, making fun of bad acting. A lot of jokes about coming in your pants, because that happens a lot in that movie. Oh, sure. Yeah, he's really ready to go all the time. It's pretty great. So patreon.com slash we hate movies.

Go check it out. There's multiple tiers that you can subscribe to. Any and all participation, of course, is greatly appreciated. That's patreon.com slash we hate movies. Oh, the wretched undertaking that is, our Transformers athon continues with Transformers colon, dark of the moon. I'm Andrew Jupin. I'm Stephen Siddak. Eric Siska.

And Sean Winer. And we hate movies. Hello everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in, as always, this week on the program. This wretched undertaking, like I said at the top, that is indeed the Transformers'Athon, rolls on with Transformers, colon, Dark of the Moon from 2011, directed of course, by Michael Bay. Yeah, our summer blockbuster extravaganza has transformed into something you don't... ...into something you don't want to listen to.

that's right we welcome in studio our good buddy Sean Winer hanging out how are you sir? Hey!

Thanks for having Hey thanks guys thanks thanks for horses what they say Sean people might not know

directed a the private cabin feature and two private cabin features one not available yet but one is available called

We Are Strangers will tweet out that Vimeo link oh thanks yeah you had fun on that movie did you show? It was great

I worked with a couple of guys in this room any fun stories from the set. Oh, well, Steve was a real divo. Uh-huh. I bet. What color M&Ms? So, here we are, the third Transformers

film. Who thought we'd ever get this far? By the way, so for the people, aside from Sean, who's watched all of the first three movies, that's about seven hours and 40 minutes. Sure. Which is nuts. And I was on a website today called

Oh, please God, I was on a website today. What a way to start a sentence. It's called... What kind of cams? How long does it take to read this? It's basically how long it should take a person to read a book. Oh, is there an Andrew Jupin version? Because then you double it.

Well, that's the thing. There's averages. The average for Moby Dick is seven and a half hours. So if all three of us decided to say, hey, let's not be podcasters, not watch a bunch of fucking robots. Fuck each other. we could have read all of Moby Dick, which I know none of us have. Unabridged?

My favorite part is when a boat turns into a robot in that book. All right. And it burns the bridge. Now it's on a bridge. Oh, unabridged. Oh, way to go. So this is kind of a departure-ish, right? I mean, like, we're turning into a skid here with Dark of the Moon, because the first two are very similar.

Yes, and this one, we're going to rope in a bunch of fake history. which you know what the Transformers franchise was calling for was revisionist history well they always have a revisionist because the Transformers were ancient aliens from the start right no no no no no I'm talking about no no no no no I'm talking about like pop culture history like Kennedy moon landing Nixon what if the Confederacy won the war

that's the world dude Confederate states of Transformers yes I have to you I'm so sorry that you are three that you have watched we're doing all five you just have to do one i am so sorry i was so angry watching this movie and then there were two more hours left so my question is what is your experience what have you seen thus far or not i'm not a good i mean i did do good for this podcast i've seen the first one when it came out in theaters and so that's ten years ago i'm good yeah you made the

right call you made the right call because we were all curious right we were sure we were we were Transformer Curious in 2007. So with my brother, he, like, remembered a lot of... He's like, oh, that's bumblebee, and that's this shit. And I'm like, okay. Your brother is the perfect age for, like, the fandom of this. Like, we just, we missed it by just, but just a smidge. Yeah, so I remember the toys, but I don't remember, like, what they were called.

Yeah, that's, I mean, in this movie, the toys kind of talk to each other. Yeah, it's kind of what it's about. Interestingly enough, I remember the toys is the title of Chris Cabin's autobiography coming out later this year from Random House. Oh, that's a, it's a racy book. It's sexy as fuck. Man, that's chapter 28, dude. Strap in. Yeah.

And strap on. So we're talking about, we opened with another Optimus Prime monologue about, it's like, hey, you thought you knew this. Remember the last time I told you what Transformers history on Earth was, I was lying, because there's always something you didn't know about. And in this case, it was the 60s, man. We actually go finally to Cybertron. Wait, sorry, Steve, to interrupt, but don't you mean?

It was the 60s, man. Yeah, Optimus was smoking Reaper with me, man. We were at Woodstock. It starts with him saying, like, I don't remember that decade. Where is a fucking Jimmy Hendricks solo in this movie, by the way? Can a robot have an acid flashback? Oh, no. It's a fucking motor oil flashback, actually.

My circuits. Whatever, these. I mean, is that a thing that happened in the second movie that they bleed? Is that new in this movie? Because I was like, they fucking bleed now? Well, in the first one, if you recall. I don't. Well, I'll tell you, because we've been washing them.

One of them pisses on a person. Great. Yeah, I don't know if we've had blood, though, in the first two. I don't remember. We know that they can leak things. They've got stuff in there. I was about to say, there's blood in this movie? Yeah, it's just like they always have red.

It's supposed to look like motor oil, but it's reddish tint. It's all just nothing. It's just CGI nothing. Well, that's the thing we find. Here's the thing. We've watched three of these movies. Again, we've watched six some-odd hours almost already. And we finally go to Cybertron, which we've talked about, which is their home planet. And I'm like, cool. Now we're in space. We're going to see what the world looks like. Maybe we'll see like Optimus Prime, kissing his wife, going to work. Putting his baby in a little pot and sending it out to space to land on Earth.

But no, it's just a bunch of the same gray nothing. All of it is. You know what it looks like is the garbage landscape they did for like those later, made. Matrix movies? Yes, where, like, the world was ended and It's burned and everything. Yeah, yeah. Why, I mean, you're spending like $260 some odd million dollars. Let's make something that looks like a thing, everybody.

How about that? Like a Transformers Park or a Transformers Park. Yeah, just tell them the cast and crew to bring a little something to the set. Just grab anything from your apartment, bring it in. Yeah, like, or know what a thing, know what the world looks like it, and make it look kind of like that. Well, their metal, wouldn't the whole world be metal? I mean, we live on Earth.

and we're human, and the Earth is made out of flesh. Welcome to Flesh World. You know, we like puncture trees for maple blood. Yes, yes, exactly. By the way, do not Google Fleshworld. Why, dude, that's the pre-sales for Chris Cavan's other biogogy. See what happens when you're not on the show, Kevin. Fucking suck it.

The other thing is, I didn't know that Transformers got into spaceships. I thought that we were just like, you know, we're all fucking We're vehicles anyway. Yeah, thank you. But the spaceship should be people, too, right? Yeah. Why can the spaceship transform into a robot? That's a good question, because it's that weird, like, cannibalistic.

You're putting one thing up inside the other thing. It's like a fucking transformer turducking. It's disgusting. And also, yeah, we're seeing, I think, is it, what's the radio one in the last movie, Steve? StarScream. A sound wave. Soundwave is just floating in space hanging out. Like, they can go in space.

Why do you need a fucking ship? I don't understand why, like, some of them can't fly, but then they can fly. Like, there are so many moments in this movie where I was like, just fly there. Oh, you can't fly now? And they don't explain it. No, because the thing is that what they do is, and every single, the robots look at things and like, oh, I want to turn into that thing. And then they turn into it. Right.

And it's usually cars, but like, yeah, turn into a plane. Yeah, but they do that one time in this movie. I counted. There's only, they're like, we got to make sure. sure that, yep, I'm an ambulance. So this is still a thing in this film. Well, there's the one little fella in

the movie, in this one, that they make like the little vulture creature in the show. Laser beak. Yeah, well that dude also though, I think in the show and whatnot turned into a little cassette tape. Oh, okay. And they were like, well, that's stupid. Nobody in 2011 knows where the cassette tape

is, so we'll just have them look like a bird. Cool. Hey, cool. It looks like a bird. So we do get like a Star Wars shot of this big long spaceship. Like we do, it's exactly a Star Wars shot. Sure. We see like the exhaust things. If you got to rip off something.

And we learned that something called Sentinel Prime had like created some sort of invention that was going to stop the war between the Autobots and Decepticons is everybody asleep yet. And it crash landed on our moon. And then we cut to Interior President Kennedy's office. With, they open up the door, Jackie is standing next to him, and he goes, get Bobby in here. I mean, it's so stupid. Did they really do that? Yeah, he just goes, get Bobby in here.

And she's just there as if, like, Jackie and JFK just sat there at the desk for a take on the world. People don't know this. There was a second Decepticon on the grass, you know. How is that not related? Like, he had to have been killed by a transformer of some kind. You know what? If you're going to. It's suggested, kind of, because they're like, uh, the 16.

Geez, moon landing, assassinations. And you're like, okay. Yeah, actually, but you know what? Show me that. Hold my fucking interest somehow. Have, like, lost footage of the Zapruder film. And it's like, oh, here's the lost 20 seconds. And it's an angle of, like, a robot with a laser blaster.

Oh, remember when Sirhan, Sirhan turned into a fucking coffee maker? What's that? What did he just say? Sir Hans, the guy killed Bobby Kennedy. Yeah. I'm sorry. And it was in a kitchen, so they never found it. He turned into a blender and fucking sat there for a week.

The perfect is. Oh, my God. But, like, this whole, I couldn't believe it because you guys, we were sort of watching this simultaneously, like, me and Steve. But Steve was, like, a little ahead of me, and Eric had watched it the night before, so it was like, the text chain was going on. And it was like, get ready for that JFK shit. And I hadn't seen this one. I saw the first two in the theater, so I knew what I was getting into, had not seen this one. this like computer face to JFK is outrageous.

Was that a computer face or was that just a dull man? No, dude, it's a fucking dead face. It looks like a goddamn NPC in Goldnoy. It's fucking President Dr. Doak. It looks like garbage. It's garbage. We're Forrest Gumping. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Oh, yeah, Forrest Gumpin. It's worse because we're like more confident about it. So we're like, oh, you can have a whole scene is President Kennedy, as opposed to, like, one small line. He's like, let's go to the moon. Hey, my mouth can't move, but let's go to the moon. Does he transform into a real person at all?

No. I mean, you know how bad it is? It's like when fucking, what's her name on the Sopranos died, and they fucking C-G-Ied her face for the other people? Nancy Marchand, yeah. Oh, who are you? What do you care? President Kennedy.

It's weird. And, like, so did Kennedy have, like, a dossier on these guys, on these robots? That's what they're telling. us. It's like, hey, something crash landed on the moon. He's like, oh, yeah, fucking knew it. Also, he's calling for Robert McNamara. The architect of the Vietnam War walks into the Oval Office in Transformers 3. Thanks a lot, everybody. I just feel like that's the thing. It's like, if we knew about Autobots and Decepticons, world history is not what we think it is. There wouldn't be a Vietnam War. It wouldn't be like, oh, we need to spread capitalism.

But by the way, there are robots on the moon. Yeah. If aliens crash, crashed landed on the dark side of the mood. No one gives a fuck about the communist threat. Priority seems to be aliens. Yeah, of course. It's like, oh, hold on, got to get the president. Yeah. UFO. We're going.

Ladies and, you know, my fellow Americans, we've decided to go to the moon. Yeah. That's the idea. They couch it in like, well, I guess or we'll got to have to make a space program now. And everybody's like, well, why the fuck would we want to go to the moon? Eric, trust me, it'll be great. And the stupidest part about this, so they go to the moon, and there's like, you know, it's Neil Armstrong and he does the one small step thing, and then they're like, all right,

the cameras are off, but Neil, go check out those robots and turn into cars. This is what I'm talking about with the revisionist history, though, because that happened. There was a spanish, there was a spanish, autobots? Yes, yes, the Autobots. No, there's a time in the lunar landing footage that, you know, there was a, whatever, like the radio transmission went out or whatever. So the screenplay uses that

to be like, that's the time we shut off the radio so they could go look at the alien ship. Fucking suck it. Do you think in this timeline, in the world of this movie, if you went up to Buzz Aldrin and told him like, Transformers aren't real, would he sock you in the face?

He'd kick you right in the dick. He did that to a moon landing hoax guy. I know, which is awesome. I think the footage is available on the YouTube. It's beautiful. Buzz Aldrin just fucking laying into some kid. Can we... Sorry, can we cut to Michael Bay saying, like,

people keep calling that Stanley Kubrick the greatest looter hoax of all time. Well, I'm going to show him. Because he's one-up in Kubrick. I would have loved if Zach Alfenakis played Stanley Kubrick in this movie. Oh, yeah. To do, like, to do a fake moon landing while, like, we actually went to the moon to get the Decepticons.

Dude, I kind of thought we were going to lean towards something like that in this movie. It's like, we really went to the moon for this one thing, but we got to fake the other fucking thing in a studio. They're like scramble it, cut to Kubrick's channel, and then you see South Galfinacus in the soundstage.

Action. Which also, that's kind of funny because there's that terrible movie. It's like Color Me Kubrick or something shit. John Malcolm. With Malch who's in this movie. Sort of. He's technically in this movie. Right. But also, So, like, not only do we have this JFK ship,

but then, by the way, when we finally went to the moon, Nixon was in office. And it's this shit of, like, Nixon talking to Neil Armstrong. And it's another fake fucking Nixon. Yeah. And you're like, my God, in heaven. And then, so we could just cut it in here now? So what?

Could the robots, like, turn into buses and all sorts of different cars? Could a robot break into a hotel or what? But, so, like, to keep on the track of the presidents, though, so it's, like, fake president, and then, like, shitty dude out of folks. is Nixon, and then some dude who looks nothing like him is Barack Obama later in the movie. You're missing one. We get L.B.J. in there for one shot, too. Do we? What is that? I think it's

like the first time they like figure out how to go to space, right? It's like, we're going to a space, a space program, JFK, like rocket going up, Lyndon B. Johnson, cut to Nixon. This is, this is called fucking terrible, greedy, fat, fat writing. Like, that's the shit where it's like, Do we really have to see four presidents in one film, man, that sucks. That's the Michael Bay Rule. Why do one when four will do? That's always his rule. You could definitely do four. I thought that Obama was, what do you call it there? Obama was Forrest Gumpt as well. No way. You don't see his face. And this guy looks like, you know. It's a profile that is just not Barack Obama. I think he's got a fucking beard. I mean, it's so bad. By the way, if Obama wanted to get any hipper, he grows a beard.

You've been seeing these jackets he's walking around with? Oh, dude, I've been researching these jackets. How the fuck do

do I buy a Barack Obama jacket? I was reading about that leather jacket he was cited in. Yeah. And what are we

talking? $800? I know. I don't know. $900? $900? $1,000? If you don't tell me,

I'm believing it's $1,000. It's probably $1,000. But apparently he's had it in his closet for years. And he's like, like, it's pre-presidency.

It's a pre-president jacket. Oh, man. that thing smells like cigarettes. I'll tell you that much. From all the ones he smoked and blew into his closet during the president's pretty cool. He would go into his closet, put on a leather jacket and smoke a cigarette. And the secret service was like, I don't know where the president is.

He's just talking to this jacket. He's like, I missed you, baby. So, um, some folks. I don't know. I love what I do. Where is your birth certificate? I love it. I mean, you could be a, you could be a Decepticon.

You've been Decepticon. canning the country. I like the idea of, like, Barack Obama running on, like, a firm anti-Bush platform is like, man, ruin the country. And then they give him a document. It's like, oh, it was robots. Oh, okay. Oh, all right.

Wow. Why am I even president? Why does the American government even exist if we are so intertwined with robots that turn into cars? So you got Neil Armstrong and he, like, burrows into, it's like him and buzz, like young, him and buzz. They go into this spaceship. They run over to it. I'm sure it's just right there. The moon's really small.

It's super small. And they like dust off some shit and it's like a fucking transformer head. And that's your cold open. That's your fucking 27 minute cold open. And you know what? If your movie is called the Dark of the Moon and you have a 12 minute, a 20 minute cold open on the moon, sink that shit up to Pink Floyd? Yes.

Thank you. It better fucking sink. Also. Have your. Climax on the moon Like at the end of the moon I keep being like Oh cool

The movie's gonna end on the moon We're gonna have a moon fight That's what I'm presumably paying a ticket for Instead they went to the set of Avengers one And did it there Yeah I mean like that's so funny dude We were just talking about that off the air

Before you got here Oh man it looks the same thing But it's Chicago But it's just the same shit It's Trump Tower Oh god My luxurious building was destroyed But also this movie came out

Before Avengers though that's the interesting problem so this movie's much better I'm on to you figgy you fucking thief so we cut to Shilabuff and his new hot complacent girlfriend that never complains

about Michael Bay off the air this woman was never fired by Stevens Spielberg yeah because in between both movies Megan Fox said some stuff that I don't know if she regretted or not but basically called Michael Bay a Nazi Steven Spielberg got a

set fired her like the movie was written for her and they just kind of put this other woman in there a victoria secret model which is you know that's that's michael bay for you which you know shylo buff in this film as an unemployed recent graduated student would obviously be sleeping with victorious this is this is what's insane though it's like the first two movies it's like okay you can justify it like he was in high school like kind of hitting on there then they went through this whole adventure together and it's like they bonded over the trauma, whatever. Like, you can justify that.

But then this movie, it's like she dumped him for whatever reason, and now there's just his other babe, he's still fucking Sam Whitwicky, the neurotic, obnoxious whatever. He's cut like Shia LaBuff, am I right, Sean, or what? Well, actually, that was my question.

I think people are attracted to Shia LaBuff. Probably. Like, actually, like, I, when I, it seems completely... Would you fuck him? Well, yeah, but I've got a low standards. But he'd only fuck Nephomaniac

era shyly. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you got to pick your era. I'm more of a holes, man. You're more of a holes man and more way than one. So what, so is Megan Fox, who are the other people who have, like, had, like, famous kicked off of franchises? Because I think of, like,

Terrence Howard from the first Iron Man one. Oh, yeah. Oh, next time, baby. That was a poker call that you just, you, you, had to fold on that one, Terrence. They were like, we're going to give you $4 million or whatever the number was. He's like, nope, eight. And they're like, four it is. Goodbye.

I'm sorry we have to part ways. But then look what's happened, though. It's like Iron Man 2, he's kind of hanging out. Iron Man 3, Avengers he's hanging out. Age of Ultron, he's got a big fucking thing. Civil War he's in. Yes, you could have had more, Terrence? Well, and those movies are kind of like, I assume they're kind of,

of Ocean's Eleveny where it's like, oh yeah, we're getting the gang back together. We're all big celebs, having a great time. And everybody in unison was like, well, who do we want to hang out for 10 years with? I just remembered another person kicked off a franchise. I don't know

if it's justified or not, but the girlfriend had back to the future. Oh, Leah Thompson. No, no, no, no, no. Elizabeth's shoe replaced it. Yeah, whatever. Oh, the original, sorry. Mary Elizabeth

something or other I don't know It's the woman It's the woman from Night of the Comet I think Yeah And then Crispin Glover as well This is another Spielberg produced

Crispin Glover That's a famous firing Yeah But that's I guess we're learning something About Steven Spielberg He will cut you out of a franchise And he will just

You know what He doesn't give a fuck You're gone There was supposed to be For Schindler's list And he just cut everybody else He made the movies Nobody was in

There's nobody in front of the camera down to one list Well, I think The thing It was Schindler's lists About Schindler's lists Well, the thing with Glover, though, was it a money thing?

And then he used his likeness and got sued? I do not. I think there was disputing reports. I think Glover said it was a scheduling conflict and other people said it was a money thing. Right. And then they put prosthetics on another actor to look like him.

And he's hanging upside down. Yeah. like in a gadget. Doing a Crispin Glover impression and then, yeah. And then when they go back to 195, he's just using footage from the first movie. And Crispin Glover is responsible

because he sued them and was like, no, you use my likeness, that's not cool. And Crispin Glover himself is responsible for the thing where it's like if you use an actor's likeness,

you have to pay them. Back to Transformers, that's why. All right, fine. No, I'm just to say Eric Stoltz was going to play the character of the girlfriend in this movie.

That's right. filmed two weeks, and Spielberg was like, haven't I fired you before? How many times do I need to fire you? That's right. Eric Stultz was also fucking fired from that franchise. Jesus Christ. That's the big one.

The cutthroat back to the future franchise, man. The one that didn't really take hold was Hallie Berry was on the chopping block for the X-Men franchise, and then Singer decided to do Superman, and Radner was like, I'll just keep her on. I don't give a shit. Well, I feel like every day. You're right. Every time Hallie Barry was like, I'm going to walk, they were like, all right, here's another million dollars, but we're reducing your role. And she's like, all right, I won't walk. You know what I mean? Like, it was just one seed, five million. Oh, wait a second. Now we're just talking Marvel movies, man. That's Ed Norton from that Incredible Hulk. Fucking, he's eating those words, man. I kind of liked that movie when I saw The Incredible Hulk. I think it's okay. And he was a good Bruce Banner. Who was that villain? Tim

That movie's totally fine But that was another Like the finger thing Needs the money And they were like Hey go fuck yourself And now Ruffalo He's in fucking Thor Ragnarok

Like look at this shit And Norton's calling up Banna And they're just like Fuck Oh right Oh poor Eric Banna The Loseriest loser You think Lou Friigno goes to that party

Is he allowed Lou Ferreigno's park In the fucking car Dude The party of lesser Hulks. I would love to go. Dude, the party of lesser hulks, I think they're trying

to flip the Senate in 2018. I don't know. Hopefully they're strong enough to do it. So it's been a couple of years. We find out that Shia, aside from being the target number one of the Decepticons and broadcast all over the world

in the last movie, like, please kill this person. He's who the aliens are after. He graduated college, and he can't get a job because he's a millennial. Even though he got a medal of freedom or whatever the fuck. Well, that's not a fucking free pass to get a job. What's funny is they're doing

his background check, and they come up with like, oh, well, you were sought by the FBI or whatever, but it never comes up that he got a medal from Obama. It doesn't have to because he's bringing up to everyone he's talking to. I guess that's true. It's probably on his resume. It is. Guaranteed it is. It would be on my resume.

Absolutely. But the thing is, again, and I don't understand how these, we're in the third movie, how we don't understand that these movies are about robots that fall down. Like, that's what the whole thing is and why we spend time on Sam Whitwicky's job prospects and or everything else, which, by the way, at the end of this movie, it has nothing to do with it. It's not like, oh, man, am I glad I went on that job interview that now that I saved the world? Like, it doesn't matter at all. They have to try to humanize someone. And it's just like, oh, look, it's a struggle. But it would be okay if it was just him. But you got goddamn Josh Dumel doing his army thing.

You got Tyrese who's retired and he's just fucking directing transformer traffic. Yeah, he's a transformer traffic cop. He comes in an hour and a half in to this two and a half, two and forty a minute movie. So halfway through. Yeah. At that point, I thought he was. in the Megan Fox Club, getting fucking Megan Fox drinks.

You know? Like, it's just, oh man, remember those transformer movies. That might be better than the Lesser Hulk party. Yeah, well, absolutely. I mean,

yet you've got that. You've got Titoro who, John Tudorow in the first two movies, both times, it's like 75 minutes until you hit Tuturo town. This movie, it's at least 54 minutes.

I was timing it. You think that's at his contract? I better be under a fucking hour this time. But like he's there. You got Malkovich who, I'm like, okay, cool, Malcovich, that's something, but he just totally falls out of this movie. You got Francis McDormant's farting around now, too?

And you have every, like, oh, every character comedian that they can bring in from one scene. Ken Jong, Andy Daley, you got the parents are back in this movie? I will say this is probably the deepest and best cast of the three movies, even though this movie's probably the worst. Well, no, no, I mean, I think it's maybe the best out of the three, and it's not, I mean, that, you know, It's such a low bar.

This is why I agree with you, but here I think is the singular reason because in this movie, part of the Decepticons deal is they're like, we got to kill all these people. Yes, we start killing people finally. Yep.

And it's not just like collateral damage killing people because my God, the thousands that are dead. But like direct like operations to murder human beings is pretty cool. So we go to, so we find out, by the way, the Transformers are now working with the U.S. government, which essentially means the U.S. government controls the world, because they're like, there are

autobots in the Middle East, like, performing missions, and I'm like, that's not cool. Like, that's like, dude, that happens now. If I can take a look at what we're doing in Yemen with those Autobot drones. But I mean, like. Those are secretly automobiles. Also, in this film, the Middle East is never deciphered further than the words, Middle East. It goes, like, at base in Middle East. I'm like, what?

Really? It's the same thing when in this movie we go to Africa. Oh, you mean the continent? Magotron is hanging out in Africa. What are, so the politics of this movie are really weird because I think at the end of the day, if you have Titoro in your movie and Francis McDormon and when you see like, clearly he likes Obama and he makes that like, there's a side like, well, we're Republicans at this. office but that guy seems like a dick so the film seems to be like left leaning like i imagine that like michael bay is like democrat and like spielberg and all this stuff but it's such a fucking

like red meat american film that it's like hard to well that's a weird michael bay is hard to read that way because remember he directed that god damn bengazi movie yeah so like how does that play what's called was that called but her emails was that it was it was but her emails colon Ben Ghazi the motion picture, colon, 13 hours, parentheses, but her emails. Colin, John Krasinski can still be in movies, I promise. Yeah, I was going to say he's starring Jim from the office.

Yeah. Who, when the embassy storm just gives that look to the camera. It is odd, and I don't understand the out, because we go to the Middle East and they're bad guys, and the Transformers beat up the bad guys. and we're like, well, what happened and why? And, like, also, like, is everyone just surrendering to the Americans, like, to your superior robot technology?

Like, sorry, we just got bombs here, not bombs that walk around. Well, that's the other weird thing. And it's, like, the entire franchise is about this, though, because, like, America's always making these decisions, like, all right, we're done with the Autobots. Get the fuck out of here. And I'm like, well, what does Canada have to say about that? Maybe Canada wants the Autobots, you fucking jerks. Like, it's always, like, get off this planet, says,

United States. Ireland's like, if you're not using those autobots, it could, you know, come over here. You'd use a couple of autobots in Ireland.

Get them over here. Stat. Protect our beautiful shores. Yeah, it's just, it's so weird in that way that like America dictates what these autobots do, but then anything out of

Optimus Prime's mouth is like, this planet is, this and that and the other thing. Why are the autobots getting involved in these proxy wars to begin with? Because it's like,

what is the point? Like, you shouldn't, like, if the Autobots are doing missions for the United States, shouldn't the Decepticons, like, work for North Korea or ISIS or something? That's a great plot. See, here's the thing, this fifth movie, you have to bring King Arthur into it. How about these Decepticons that start working? What? Is that confirmed, by the way, that it is actually King Arthur?

Dude, there's a motherfucker who is credited as playing King Arthur in that movie. So buckle the fuck up. Oh, I'm so glad that this is my only episode with you guys. Michael Pha was like, I need another hour and I also need King Arthur. It's going to be three and a half hours. It's his Hollywood revenge, though, because I was reading up on the movie. He spent years developing a King Arthur film and then walked away because they wouldn't give him enough money to make the movie he wanted to make.

So I'll make it inside of this other movie. Yes, that's exactly what it is. Like a turduckin. It's a fucking Michael Bade turducket That's all he does is turduckin That new That new King Arthur film

That flop, the Guy Ritchie Oh weird a guy Ritchie movie Flops, what a fucking surprise But they were saying that almost every single King Arthur film that's ever been made Has been a flop That there's like a weird curse to King Arthur films Like you would think it's one of the most

Globally recognizable characters And nobody gives a shit Yeah the curse is a lack of interest Like a genuine Lack of Interest that we've expressed for decades in this point. Shut up about King Arthur. Now, do you think that in this new movie...

I'm not fucking Mark Twain sitting on a fucking riverboat fantasizing about something. Oh, yeah, how about this? What if Mark Wahlberg met King Arthur? Maybe they go back in time. A Celtic and King Arthur's court?

Is that what we're talking about? Yeah. Oh, shit, bro. We don't meet fucking King Arthur over here. We do throw... He's kind of gay. Everyone's kind of gay. we throw

requisite shade at Megan Fox because not only like we cut her out of the movie on ceremony so it's not like oh we had a big breakup but we parted it as friends

it's like these two shitty it's Tom Kinnity The Sopranobots They're doing Fucking sopranob Poli Walnuts and fucking Bobby B They also do

Beavis and Budhead dialogue Wait do they do Beavis and Buttoe They're just doing like direct quotes of Beavis and Butta did anyone see this? No, I missed it. Does he call Shilabove fucking Cornholio? Is this in my head? Is this all in my head?

I mean, maybe. I, too, have fantasized about Beavis and Butta Dialog. Yeah, maybe. Wait, so what are you talking about, though? They're like hanging out on the couch before anything really happens. When they're watching Star Trek, by the way, hit that nail on the goddamn head. Oh, we got to show Spock as much as possible. Go, because Leonard Nimoy's in the mermaid. They're just, like, hanging out on the couch, you know, doing the classic laugh.

Oh, they're doing that laugh. Oh, shit. At this part... God, I hate it. It's Tom Kenny playing one of the robots from the last movie, and then this other robot that's kind of unexplained who's new... This is what I hate. He's new, but he's presumed to have been there the whole time.

That's the problem with all... In an X-Men movie, which are... I try to take my brain out of my head. I'm like, what if I wasn't a fan of the X-Men? Would I like the X-Men movies? No. No, the answer is... I'm kind of lukewarm on them.

It's a resounding no. But if I'm watching the X-Men movies, I don't know anything, and some guy's like, hi, I'm Archangel, and I have wings, I'm like, I know who that guy is. Because, A, he just told me what he is, and B, they showed me what his power was in, like, three seconds, and the rest of the movie have a

roadmap. Now, the guy next to me that loves X-Men movies is having conversation with themselves. He's like, that guy's real name was Warren Worthing than the third, and he flies around. He's going to be Apocalypse's minion. And that's his problem. Like, you know what I mean? Like, at least me, being an agnostic, I at least know what I'm watching.

Thank you for recognizing it as a religion. So in this, so in, take that exact situation and map it to Transformers, do they go like, oh, it's Sidewinder.

He's also a robot. Like, what the fuck else do you say about them? They do, and I'll tell you why, because when I saw the second movie in theaters, which I have explained already

in this Transformersathon, it was a strict air conditioner situation and the fucking air conditioning was broke in the theater but this is like you know the more I hear about this story

the more I'm like that's like the I was just following orders it was just for the air conditioning I swear I just had to cool it off for the air conditioning

it was so hot it was in New York summer you should tell this story on every episode so that people can feel the pain of watching transform he might have

but now No, because Sean wasn't present at that time. These people listening, they've heard it, but I haven't. Yeah, no. There was these nerds who were like, oh, my God, there's that one, and there's that, and it's fucking great. And I was like, oh, my God, he's red just like in the cartoon. Like, what else is it? There is nothing else.

They're just robots that transform into cars. That's kind of my thing. It's like, at least in an X-Men movie, I'm like, oh, my God, it's Olivia Munn. She's playing Shylock. Like, at least, like, and when I see Olivia Mum, I know that she used slylock. It's just a, they're all gray nothing. They kind of walk around.

It's CTI playing Bumblebee. Oh my God, it's CTI. Also playing Optimus Fry. Oh my God. It's Olivia Munn playing whatever. I'm going to the bathroom. Exactly. I have no like recognition as a quote unquote casual moviegoer.

And I've watched three movies and I have no idea who these characters are. And they always introduce new ones and I don't know who they are. There's just so many goddamn robots. with names and they're all the same they all have like a gun arm and whatever the fuck and the colors are different and the voice acting is different barely barely oh yeah the bad guys

are all monochromatic that's how you know oh that's a gray one it's a bad one is all you need to know if it's gray and it might have like a spiky thing to it it's a bad guy if it's got dreadlocks it's definitely a bad one later in this movie yeah you better believe it yellow let it melt it down

so we have a very long montage that comes to nothing. Shilabuff gets a job with John Malkovich who also comes to nothing. Who? John Malkovich, the only direction he's gone from a director for the past two decades is be eccentric. I mean, he's not, he's

phoning it in, and I love John Malkovich, but he just like acts crazy, and they're like, you're doing it. But it's the same thing that Titoro does in these movies, and it's just like, think about the new bathroom you're building. Just think about it and then say these dumb lines. It's like the Cohen Brothers

bathroom project all these actors Francis McDormid John Turo John Malgevin the old Cohen Brothers bathroom off who's got the best one

Did the Colons have a movie in 2011 Like was there just a dry spell of Cohen Brothers Flakes There's this great quote And it's on IMDB I don't know how much

How well it's on the Tribune So it's something Who vetted it But it says Nobody Because we crashed that before But this is the only movie Francis

McDorman ever did in her entire career that she was paid the amount she was promised like do you know what I mean like that's isn't that amazing like that's and that's

because it's so corporate it's so like I'm sure the Colin brothers like hey man we'll pay you like I mean even though it's her husband but like go on but like hey man we'll pay you like

six million bucks you burn after reading sorry dude somebody backed out it's gonna be like 4.5 it's interesting because they probably said we have budgeted

$3 million for women in this film So you'll get 1.5. And actually, straight from the Tribune, by the way. So we're talking 2010 was True Grit. And then 2013 was inside Lewin Davis. Oh, take a little break for Transformers. So that was a Malkovich and a fucking Titoro

and a McDormin had nothing to do. Cohen-wise, at least. I don't know what else was going on in their filmography. Everybody's building the bathroom. Every time before they called action, everyone would go to France and McDonald's like, Hey, is, uh, are they right? writing anything or like what you see him on the computer at all like i don't what's joel up to i don't know

all right i'm trying to be in the moment hey are we listen i'm sorry i hate to ask this oh but what is going on with that big labowski sequel is there anything to that because that you know i would love to be a part of that do you think to toro like between takes with francis mcdorman was like i'm going to get a bidet Action Okay So McDormon by the way Is playing like the The new

And again This is why this movie's Kind of better In the last one Is like The faceless bureaucrat Was a nobody Last time

He was like Oh yeah Oh right That little worm guy Yeah This time it's played By Francis McDormon

Upgrade That's cool And she's like Doing her stuff And she's doing Exactly what The last guy did It was

And where She's fucking Kind of just Yelling at robots For no reason She's definitely yelling at Robots

She's not that Well it's not Her fault But they're not great at lining up the line of sight of talking to a fake robot that's not there. But she's

fucking Francis goddamn McDormant and she's the best part of this movie because she's talking to robots and it's still awesome. Yeah, but do you know what Michael Bay's favorite joke is with her? That she's not like, ma'am, oh, you're a woman, aren't you? Oh, don't you look like a fucking dude?

But you're a dude because you're in a position of power, dude. It's like that's the joke. I just, every time that happened I was like, if I could just transmit, like, telepathy with what Francis McNorman is thinking at that moment. Because it's got to be like I'm getting a golden toilet. I'm getting

a toilet. I'm getting a Frank Welker golden toilet. It's going to be awesome. It's going to be great. Do you think that she literally got a bag of money and like hit Joel Cohen in the face with it? Why don't you make movies like this? That'd be great. I wouldn't have to do this if you made movies like this. It's smack.

Okay, swap out Michael Bay for the Cohen brothers. They're writing the Transformers. series. It's just as bad, though. It's exactly the same movies. Are you cool with it? Yes, because then maybe we'll get like M. M. M. M.

Walsh. Oh, boy, that Optimus Prime there, he's a real cool fellow. Let's deacons will shoot some of them. Yeah. Instead of Shia Lumpf, it's M.M. at Walsh. Oh, boy, Megan Fox dumped me on the side of the road. I just graduated from college, and as a millennial, I can't get a job.

Or he's just an old man that buys a used car. He's like, hey, now it's talking to me. Oh, bar, my little yellow sports car is giving me a guff. I'm going to have to shoot it in the face. Woody Haraldson shows up. It's like, well, yeah, oh, Megatron's bad news. What kind of bad news? Well, what, compared to what, boobonic play?

Dude, it'd be amazing. It would be a good movie. You know, apropos of this joke thread coming up in the next. movie and he's also in part five Sir John Goodman's hanging out. I guess Michael Bay likes Cohen Brothers movies. He watches him and he watches him. It's like, oh man, I want to ruin that person's

career. Maybe he hates Cohen Brothers The, can I tell you the dumbest part of this movie? And this movie is incredibly long. We haven't gotten to any of it. Incredibly dumb. Is when Buzz Aldrin meets Optimus Prime. An Optimus Prime who is a thousand-year-old robot that could turn into anything and can

lift the fucking Golden Gate Bridge over his head. He's like, and Buzz Alder's like, it's an honor to meet you and I don't know how to act. And then, Optimus Prime is like, The honor is all mine, small human being. Why? Why? Why do you care? You've been in space

since you were in fucking short robot pants. You don't care about this fucking little ant going to space. Here's the thing. I guarantee you, Optimus Prime doesn't give a shit about the second man to walk on the moon. Come on. I don't say, oh, congratulations.

I don't say hello. I'm not honored to meet your dog, Andrew. It's a fucking dog. What do I care? It does not use a phone. Listen, I met a man who went to space and walked on the moon. I didn't fucking say it was an honor to meet him. No, it's like, nice to meet you, Edgar Mitchell.

Let's do this podcast and get it over with. And then he talked some crazy shit about aliens, and it was awesome. Whoa. Transformers? No, I don't think so. There might be. He said, he said, aliens. He said he saw stuff.

He saw flesh in space. He saw flesh in space, dude. Dude, man. What was that? Barbarella? Classic flick, man. That's a very I'll see your Marvel movies and raise you a Buzz Aldrin for your Stan Lee's. I mean, it's just like those are not enjoyable moments in every Marvel movie. Sure, they stop

them dead. Yeah, you are welcome Michael Bay to just not do that shit. There's nothing. We don't need to see Senior Hasbro. in the film. Oh my God, I wish. I would make it better. It'd be funner. It'd be more campy.

Julio Hasbro? Julio Hasbro. No, he's definitely Japanese. I burst out laughing at this part, though, where it was like, here we go, here's the cameo of the film, Buzz Aldrin, and like the door is open and he's walking in slow motion

up to a fake robot. I was screaming on my couch laughing because I hadn't had it spoiled for me. I was dying. It's so stupid. And with his eyeline, they're like, a little higher, a little higher, a little lower, a little higher, just shoot it. We're all like, destroying Chicago took five days, shooting with Buzz Aldrin for a robot to say, I'm so proud to be it, you took 12. It went over budget because of this movie was supposed to cost $160 million, and then we cast Buzz Aldrin, and it cost $260 million.

Sorry, Francis, we're going to have to. Take a little half your bag. Oh, you promised me! Why does this always happen? Oh, well, Buzz Aldrin demanded $37 million to be in this movie, and we got to give it to him. That's what happened in Fargo, too, man. Remember that Buzz Aldrin scene? That was so fucking crazy.

It was so nuts because John Carroll Lynch is like, well, let me go outside in the backyard and see if there's any deer back there. And he goes outside and it's fucking Buzz Aldrin. With a couple of deer. Wouldn't you know it? so moving along we find the transformers kind of get tricked into going into space it's like Buzz Alder's like by the way you left one of your robots up there what do you get it

so they go up and they find Leonard Nimoybot known as Sentinel Prime they bring him down and from the last movie we do know that there's this little weird spear which kind of looks worse in this movie doesn't it it's like smaller and it didn't turn to sand this time and it can basically resurrect any old robot you want. What was it called the Transformers

Participation Trophy? What was it? The Matrix of Death of Leadership. Right. I thought it was the Genesis device. That'd be great if they shoved something into Leonard Nimoy's chest and then he turned into a new planet. Yeah. And then you get a fucking chat cameo, dude. Oh, dude. You know what? This series could use some serious

chat. Why the fuck is William Shatner not in movies like this? He should have played Obama. And William Shatner as Barack Hussein Obama. Well, it is really weird that in this film, you don't really have. They show you four presidents, but the president has

no role during the end of time. Exactly, yeah. We're not getting cut to the Oval Office. It all stops at McDormann. It's just a figurehead, dude. I mean, that's why you need fake presidents and shit like this, because there needs to be just

it's clearly just going to be some old white motherfucker on a Ray Wise or someone like that. Yeah, and he's just on a red phone and he's fucking yelling shit at a robot. Great. And that's that. Hey, let Francis McDarmid be in. Because it doesn't fucking matter what she actually is.

Just make her the president. I was actually about, I was about to cast Francis McDormick as a president, but then I just got a bunch of her emails. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, man. She would have been in that movie, but her emails. So who's horrible to replace her? Who's the worst?

All right. me who's the president of the United States is going to decree that these robots. We bring him down. They bring him back to life immediately and now we have Leonard Nimoy farting around this movie. And I mean like, here's my question.

He's so, he's very very old. And I mean, like, God bless the dude died. He changed the world forever. I love him to die. But he moves really well in all that makeup. It took 12 hours every day. He's the only one who's actually in the movie. I can't believe. I

sat in a chair for 14 hours. I love Leonard Nimoy, but I hadn't seen this before until we're doing this for the show and this shit's all over his legacy. Well, that's what's weird, though, is because this was, this was right in, it was a very brief Nimoy Sons because at the same time that this was sort of floating around, he was a great character on the show Fringe. Right. and he was like this villainous dude who was like secretly not a villain and it was like it was great and it was cool to see like

late in life Leonard Nimoy like doing a thing and then I think it was just like all right well I'm I'm out and about doing stuff might as well do this Transformers movie he's in the animated movie from the 80s and that's kind of the thing it's like oh it's it's kind of a service to the quote unquote fans but at the same time like I don't know man like I think he's fine in this movie but he's just doing spot quotes. And it fucking drives me nuts. He's a fuck sound board at a certain point. Yeah. Because he says like, you always be my friend at one point. No, that's, they make Bumblebee say that shit. Oh God, fuck

you Bumblebee. That's the thing. Because like when Bumblebee is about to be like, you know, taken away from Shia LeBuff or whatever. Oh, he plays like the actual quote from Star Trek. That's, that's allegedly what Bumblebee does, right? He's always sampling. Yeah. But early in this film when you meet Bumblebee, he's like, kind of sampling.

things, but it's just him saying shit. There's nothing to exist. So, Lennymoe exists in the world of this film. Spock exists, yet there's a robot on the moon with exactly the same voice. And kind of face, too. And it looks like Nimoy.

It's fucked up. It's his same like Leonard Nimoy, like long face. And towards the end of the film, I was screaming at the television. Because here's the, spoiler alert, he turns out to be a villain. Sentinel Prime is a villain. He turns in the middle of the movie.

And at the end of the movie, as the villain, he says Spock's, like, most famous line, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the view. And it's fucking disgusting. It's disgraceful. No, like, you know, like, you know, a self-respecting Star Trek fan was like, oh, man, how fucking cool is that? Everybody was like, suck it. That's terrible. And it's a throwaway.

They, like, the camera is panning past him as he says it. They're, like, not sure if they want to do it. It's like, if we're watching Witness, which is a good movie starring Harrison Ford. He suddenly says, may the force be with you. It's like, what are we doing?

To a, to a cop, to a local cop, may the force be with you. Get off my plane, what lies beneath? Man, what lies beneath is a terrible movie.

In Beloved, when Danny Glover is like, talking to his wife, he's like, you got an angel with you right now. He's like, what? I was so surprised that Demi let that in

so Sentinel Prime who has facial hair which any hair which he metal hair stupid it's not the first instance of that it should just be wires it should just be wires it's not the first instance of that though because the old motherfucker in the last movie has a fucking jangly beard. Jetfire. Jetfire

has that. Jetfire's got a little shitty jangly beard floating around and we have a fake like robot A robot inventor. Q? Q. Come on. He looks like Albert Einstein

for no good goddamn reason. Why have originality when you can just yoink from Bond and make it look like Albert Einstein? I was so pissed. I watched this movie

on the day Sir Roger Moore passed away and this little thing rolls in and he's like, eh, I'm Q and I was like

I'm a fuck you stupid movie. Do you know that what's his name Desmond, the actor who played Q who is

Desmond Llewellyn. Yeah, who's there forever, right? Almost like, I mean, he was playing him up until he was killed in a car crash. On his way to deliver his fucking life story. He typed up his whole life story and I think delivered it and then got into a car accident

and died on the way home. Wait, that's what it was from? Experimental Aston Martin. Yeah, dude, it was a brand-new car. It was a prototype. You got to ask. If you all know, you don't got to add. The injector seat went off and killed him.

That's fucking horrible. Man, he would fly through the air. Jesus, that's horrible. Oh, no, this smokescreen is inside of my car. Oh, man, that sucks. He was a treasure. I'm sure he was. Listen, all the dead people we talk about we like.

Well, they're going to haunt us eventually. So, I mean, like, Centella Prime comes back, and his thing is like, oh, I had this invention that was going to stop. the war. It's all these pillars that we need to collect. And Shaila Buff gets harassed by Kenjong. Kenjong, who I think

is totally fine, but I never want to watch him ever again. You know what I mean? Like, Ken Jong was fine the first 4,000 times I saw him. I would love, do you think Ken Jong is ever going to have like a Paul Giamati sideways? No, I don't. No, like not a sensitive, like...

What would he be in this? The Thomas Hayden Church? Well, no, I mean, like, just like a sensitive like stripped down performance. Yeah, maybe. Eventually. No, because you'd be watching. No, no, no. I'll tell you why. Because no matter how heartfelt that performance is or whatever, there's no way

an audience would take him seriously doing that. Like he would say a line that was like very heartfelt and whatever. Like, you know, we're not drinking any fucking Merlot or whatever it is. You know, and they would just laugh at it. You know what I mean? Like, he's played a cartoon for like his entire career. Well, and

he also comes into this film What's his name? Whang? Or some stupid shit? And that's the third time. I had my Asian people radar on. And that was like the fourth, like, digging into Asian people film. Yeah.

A joke. Because when Shia LaBuff is, like, interviewing for everything, he's like, oh, Sensei to the Japanese man. And then he's like, I think you seem very calm and, like, meditative to. I mean, it's just like, you can tell. that Michael Bay's like, we can give it to the Asians. Everybody else lay off. We got in trouble for that jive talking robot that was illiterate in the first one. Yeah. So let's stay away from that. But what's a community that we can go at? These movies are aggressively racist. I mean like

movie for movie like aggressively racist. Someone's getting fucking taken to it every time. It's a different group and homophobic too because in this like Ken Jong gets like either possessed or he's in on it or something, he puts shut up in the bathroom. The robots are putting the screws to him. I actually appreciate because Ken Jong and then later Patrick Dempsey, right? Yes.

They're working for the Decepticons. We come to find out, which is something I almost thought was missing from these movies, like having human actors play parts in the plot. Isn't that weird?

Yeah, why wouldn't you be turning people, you know, and having them do shit for? Right. Elaborators and stuff. Yeah, exactly. There's so many. and there's like he's like basically like he's got like the plans in his pants and it goes

on and on and there's and so basically they're in a men's room stall yeah and like he unzips his pants and shylobuff's like no not like this yeah you know first of well shylobuff could choke slam fucking kenjong worst case scenario also correct yeah but um so like he gives him the plans and then like john malcolm which is like go go go gay guys right and then like he's really great to have John Alcovich be your homophobic is butching it up

but the funny thing is is like later later on like Shaya comes back and he's like hey by the way I want to help you

with that plan and like I guess either like Ken Zhang forgot what he said or he's trying to like get him away is he calls him

a gay lord and like I have not heard the slur gay lord since the fourth grade like that's what I think it was

since Beavis and Budhead like another direct Beavis and Budhead quote. That's an oldie. Well, it's one of those. It's the terminology that your friend's shitty stepdad used to work, used to use.

So you'd be like, you know, he'd say like, ah, that peckerhead. You know, I think I have a memory of like meet the parents using it, right? Because that's his name. He's a gay lord. Yeah. So there's another joke. That's a great joke. So there's another joke to throw on the fire.

Staying warm tonight. Burning all these gay jokes. We'd like to. This whole sequence is kind of my favorite part of this movie, though, because Ken Jong is murdered by a robot. It's great. He, like, commits suicide or gets... It's like fake suicide. But also, here's what's so stupid.

Fidelius' robots are killing human beings. They are, and it's great, but this is what doesn't make any sense because Ken Jong, he's working at John Malkovich's, like, tech company, whatever. He clearly has, like, a totally glass office. Yeah. And this giant vulture-shaped robot is... threatening him in the office and nobody's seeing anything sure what are you talking about well everybody's very busy andrew i guess so this is an office we work have this shit behind

closed doors man that's ridiculous also let me just call out that in that office uh just again my feminist radar like every person oh no that's not that office it's the office that carly the girlfriend works at patrick dempsey's office which is just like Look at these women in the office. I'm like, this is not, none of these are real women. And look at these trolls that work among them. These are the men. And you're like, well, you got the men accurate.

And these, like, this is such an insane portrayal of the world in such an awful way that you can feel Francis McDormon cocking a shotgun in her dressing room and be like, you know what? It's worth it. Totally. That was pretty cool if she went out there. She is the only, like, I mean, she's a beautiful woman, but like, she's the only person that's allowed to be like, that is not an actual actor. model, like, who hasn't actually modeled in the last, like, 38 seconds before they showed up on set.

Isn't an actual model who also happens to possess a vagina? Yes, exactly. And acting talent was a requirement for her and nobody else. I mean, because there are some fucking homely ass dudes in this movie. There's this one scene in, in Shaila Buff's office where, like, it's, like, a Latin woman, and she's, like, dressed, like, bustily

or something, and some guy... Oh, my God, right. Holy fucking shit! For no reason. And, like, this is nothing to do with the movie, because the movie has nothing to do. is like, he's like, get out of here with that hoochie mama outfit. You in that hoochie mama outfit? And he goes to Shilabov's like, you ever dress like a hoochie mama like that?

I'm going to kick you out. And I'm like, what movie am I watching? Steve, when you're writing a screenplay, you got to write transitions. Yeah. And that's just the old hoochie mama transition they've been used since the 50. Hood rat, hood rat, hoochie mama. Jesus Christ. He tried the hood rat transitions in the first Transformers.

Got a lot of slacks and he's on to Ho Chi. I do love that part in adaptation when Robert McKee is yelling at Brian Cox's character. People find love. People lose love. There are hoochie mamas. Everything's out there. Now I'm just thinking about Jerry Stiller yelling hoochie mama on Seinfeld. And you know what? It's still funny. You don't think there are hoochie mamas? You haven't lived life. But speaking of homely dudes and bad politics, Bill O'Reilly's in this. Speaking of transitions. This was a well-timed

screening because there were two, those two moments, that and Trump Tower, you're like, okay, I would have given no shits and now I have some reference.

I feel like I've, now I've watched three of these movies and now suddenly the last two years or so make total sense. Like, of course, yep,

Trump and Bill O'Reilly and poison, that's just life. The band poison? I wish. no no cultural poison yeah no it's insane like here's bill o'Reilly tuturo goes on bill o'Reilly and this is some fucked up shit because in the last movie he's just like a disgraced government agent yeah and in this movie he's like somehow written some book that's propelled him to levels of richness that like you know he'd be on lifestyles of the rich and famous yeah the chris cabin track it's insane he's just like he's got like a man servant now in the form of alan totoe because this cat's as to keep going. Dutch!

We found, Alan Tiddick actually found Martin Short's performance of Father and the Bride in the Garbage. Oh, yeah. Oh, cool. This is a...

I'll just dust this off. This is still good. I can fit into this. Just dust it off. It's fine. Oh, look at this. Oh, Father of the Bride. They did two of these, eh?

Just dust it off. It'll be fine. Yeah. I'll call him Fron. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Dust it off. Yeah.

And it sucks because, I love Alan Tudok. Of course he's great. He's amazing in Rogue One. And honestly, I don't know. I mean, he gave me some laughs here. But it's just like, what do I need it for? John Tuduro didn't have an assistant in the last two movies. He doesn't

need one now. And the cast is already so overblooded. So overblooded. And I'm sitting here. I'm watching all this. I'm like, when is a robot going to fall down? But what happens when Tudik gets his phone call from Titoro and he's like Tudik, it's happening?

he's like what's happening you're being invited to the bathroom challenge the bathroom challenge I'm in I mean yeah it's it's it's fucking crazy but then so here's this other

notable person who's in this like thankless nothing role and he's just kind of hanging out and it's the fran I mean this is I don't want to get into oh no I was just going to say like the it's the franchising of movies

that fucking murders my soul with these films like you notice it I notice it like I feel like I see one out of every five Marvel movies at this point. We're fine. So I'm like missing some, but I'm okay and I sit down and I watch it and then I'm like, I don't care

who are you? What's this product? It's over. Who's drinking Pepsi where? I just don't care. And this film is like nobody, I mean it's true. Films dead. Like nobody is trying to make an actual movie here. They're just trying to make a series

of small sketches that like feature enough people for short enough periods of time and moves fast enough and shows you some explosion and you're satisfied because like you couldn't pay attention for 10 minutes so we gave you two and a half hours of three minute gags it's two hours of 45 minutes and that's why like just if you're doing sketches just let you know Jordan peel play Obama and just roll with it be what it is oh man do do a super sketch movie get the kids in the hall in here oh why the hell not Dude, get the whole cast of Saturday Night Live.

A Kentucky Fried movie. A Kentucky Fried Transformers movie. That's right. Why not? It's racist enough, sure. Oh, yeah, you're right. That movie is racist, too. Man, you know what? It's a shame that he passed away because you know who'd have been great in these movies? Fucking Leslie Nielsen. Sure. There's your president. He was the president of those shitty-ass scary movie sequels. Why not? Phil Hartman?

you could be sect deaf that's not a real thing sex deaf man get the sec deaf in here they say that in this movie get the sec deaf yeah Robert McNamara portrayed by Phil Hartman

so Shilabuff gets some like information and at this point a Cental Prime's still good he goes to the secret facility we're all nest what we call it oh right and he invites his girlfriend

and Francy McDorman has the good point where she's like you don't get like a plus one to national security clearance like yes you know what robots are but this lady's just not invited yeah but then too hamill says uh i can vouch for her yeah it's all good yeah do hamill will vouch for anybody in anything stop you don't get to vouch for anybody anymore uh so yeah it's like she makes like this whole thing you know this whole stink about like you know him being here her being there and i feel like part of me though with this shy le buff character like

He's been involved in two of these global-ass events. Sure. He would be in the inner sanctum. Anyway, yeah, why not? That's what's stupid about the whole premise for this movie is like... Or the purpose of the first act is like to keep him away from everything for some reason. Right, because like you... He should have just killed him.

Or, yeah, dude fucking two in the back of the head. Exactly. Guaranteed. Right? Michael Clayton him like fucking just put some fucking shit between his toes and then he gets a heart attack. Uh-oh. Oh, yeah. Or I should say Antonin Scalia, what happened to him?

Oh, yeah. And we all know what happened there. Exhumed the body. You have to find out what happens. I don't care if the widow Scalia is crying. No, yeah, fucking dig it up. Dude, info pickle. Farts.

Absolutely. Yeah, definitely, man. I get that pickle. So we find out that, oh, man, basically, the Decepticons wanted everyone to take Central Prime off because they wanted to bring him back because he's got this cool thing that's going to bring Cybertron back. So what do you call it?

There's a big standoff where we find out the Sentinel Prime is bad. Iron Hyde, who's been like kind of a big Autobot character, gets killed. And right before it, it's the most telling thing about what it's like to live on the world with Autobots. It's like, Ironhide's fighting these robots. He kills one. The robot is dead. And then he kicks it into a small business and it explodes. Yes.

That's right. It's like, it's like a whatever. It's like a dry cleaner or something. It's a small business. It's an American trying to make a living. And he's just like, oh, kill this robot. Now you're fucking going to blow that shit up. But I'm like, what?

Why did you do that? Why would you kick this huge robot corpse into a tiny business? Corpse. It didn't pose a threat anymore. Yep. It's fucked up. And I'm glad Iron Hyde gets murdered. He gets murdered by Nimoy.

And he's like, bra. And he kills him. Oh, yeah. Now I'm up. It's fucking great. That's, there's a lot of transformer headshots in this movie. A lot of fucking getting them right up at the bottom of the chin, all of that shit, it's pretty cool. At least it's going for it.

The other ones, they're holding back? No, they're throwing people out windows in this one. I mean, they're doing it. And that's what you need to hold my attention, which is what's frustrating, though, because this movie's a little bit of a conundrum franchise-wise. I mean, movie-wise, it's a bad movie, but in the world of the contained unit of the Transformers franchise, it's the best at what I want out of these things which is like insane robot on robot violence and then also like robots killing people

but it's got the dumbest most bloated story of them all it's the longest of all of them so that's the problem like the length of far part four is 245 wait isn't this 245 no this is 236 oh fuck yep so strap in for next week big daddy so the Decepticons now

that Sentinel Prime is one of them take over the world they also like trick the Autobots they're like all right guys you get into this big dumb spaceship for no reason and leave the earth they're getting excommunicated from the planet right they're deported they say the word deport oh do they really

oh I missed that they bring all these other deceptic right they bring them all like they create a teleportation device on the mall on the Washington Mall you get that scene of like so Megatron who we're what 90 minutes into this film now. At least. So this episode's

halfway over? No, no, no. We're ending this episode right now. That's it. That's it. Anyways, we get a scene of Megatron being like, you know what, I'm going to get my own Tim Roth in Planet of the Apes, Tim Burns Planet of the Aps moment, and he like

shoots, he destroys the Lincoln Monument and then sits in the chair. Oh, yeah. Oh, that sucks. Seriously, do we have to see, we have to suffer through Lincoln being shot twice of station? Pretty much, because that statue gets shot right in the fucking head. I would love to do like that

that statue was a transformer. Lincoln's soul was put into that it was like a steampunk transformer. Oh my God. And it gets up and he catches the bullet. He's like, not today. What if all of the monuments in America were transformed?

That would be awesome. What a great idea. Mount Rushmore gets up. It's all four of them. All four heads. Pum's big words. Grimmis. Every fucking.

thing, dude. If there's a statue it's alive. Oh, dude, those fucking Confederate statues that feel so bitter because they were tossed aside. Confederate Robot Army? Oh, those loser statues? That would be great. voiced by the entire blue

comedy comedy. Blue collar comedy There is totally. Hey, cool, I'm a statue. Oh, shit, get her done, slavery. If you lose a war, maybe you don't deserve a statue. What's so fucked up about Megatron

in this movie? At the end of the last movie Megatron's like, this isn't over. Fuck face and like flies off. And Hugo Weaving was like, oh, but that bathroom though. So then like

his house is made of bathrooms at this point. There are no bedroom. It's awesome. You can piss anywhere. Hugo Weaving can fucking piss or sleep because he's in all those

Hobbit movies too. All those bathrooms were made. Absolutely. And so that's a kitchen challenge. He's been hiding in Africa. There's a great thing where he yells at elephants, which is fucking funny. He says it's all-Megatron to elephants and like, fuck you. These elephants are just like, it's so, it's awesome.

It's a great elephant. Oh, thank you. But so in this movie, though, he's got this like hood cape thing. He looks like Dr. Doom. Well, he comes over from the set of Les Miserables. Wear his burlap sack cape. Oh man, fucking a hooded Megatron

just singing in a coffin? They even... I dream a dream. But Optimus comes at night. Oh, man. Can you imagine Megatron dressed in a gown accepting her award

for Best Supporting at you? I would love it. That would be great. You know, there's not enough cartoons accepting Academy Awards these days. Whatever. Basically, we wind up going to Chicago, right? Because a lot of shit happens.

We go to Trump Tower. We start saying Trump Tower an awful lot. Left and right. Makes me wonder if someone had money in this. We say it at least three times. I counted three times at least, yes. The only more egregious product placement is there is a shot during what I assume we won't talk too long

about because just the third act of any of these movies. It's just a bunch of fuss and interviews. And they cut from like a building is tipping over and then they cut to a perfect product shot of bush mills. Oh yeah. And a little

shot glass like rattles off the table. I'm like, why'd we go there? We introduced some new transformers in this movie, some new Autobots, which is the most up to that as the worst product placement. They're stock cars.

and one of them is a Target stock car I didn't even see that he's got the target symbol he's like let's buy target everybody Oh that's fucked job One of those like What those weird Scottish robots we get for no reason Can we talk about those really quickly

Because one of them is like Responsible for building the spacecraft That's supposed to Deport all of them Sure How do you have an obese robot Because this thing's walking around He's got a Scottish accent

And a fucking gut to beat the band And I was like how do you have a fat robot That's the dumbest idea. James Duhan. It was supposed to be James Duhan. Oh, fuck, dude. How many old-ass Star Trek actors could you get doing voices of robots? Oh, you could get George Dukai would be great at this.

George Dukai's way too classy to voice a robot. What? Oh, my. I will not say Energon. Yeah, that's really dumb. I will not be in this movie, what with your hilarious use of Gaylord. Gaylord, and I don't. like how you treated that

Japanese employer. No, thank you. Oh, God, it's outrageous. So we go to Chicago. Sentinel Prime has deployed all of these other Decepticons all around the world, it seems, to bring up these little pillars and the idea is...

He's trying to pull a melancholia. Yeah, he's going to bring Cybertron into our atmosphere. So we can charge it. Optimus Prime fucks that dude on a golf course. And then Kiefer Sutherland Prime commits suicide like a coward.

Charlotte Gainsborg Prime starts sinking into the grass. Oh man. That was a pretty good movie. I would argue that that's Lars Van Trier's best movie. It's a really good one. Yeah, it's just... But I don't get this whole plan, though, because

like, Cybertron is a dead planet. Yeah. So the idea should just be... We're going to do something to get all these other robots here and Earth will become Cybertron too not merge this dead

fucking planet with this other what the fuck are you talking about? I don't know man I'm asleep yeah I was taking a nap they blew it right by me I don't even know at this point of the movie I don't give a fuck I mean I guess the idea is like it's a robot planet anyway so nothing can grow

we just need to like kind of and the idea is we're going to make humans into slave labor. To Sean's point, this whole Chicago sequence is very much the Avengers. Like, I don't know how Marvel didn't get sued here. Like, we've got those big dragon ships that look a lot. Those fucking dragon ships. How come, if you

have billions of dollars. Those were from King Arthur, by the way. If you have millions of dollars to just make this shit. How come whenever everybody has a million dollars to make a CGI thing, it all looks exactly the same? I don't understand. I think it's a slush fund.

a Hollywood slush fund. Oh, I'm sure. I'm sure they're just throwing the money and it's like, listen, Andrew, we can make you an original one or listen, we'll just give you the Transformers ones. We'll turn the fucking spikes the other direction. You're good. We'll fucking make some bathrooms. That's exactly right. We're all about bathrooms. We're building bathrooms, man. That's the thing. And to your point, that that's a really good point. Because like, when Tim Burton made a model, it looked like one thing. When, like, you know, John McTiernan made a model, it looked like something. Like, models. look different. You know what I mean? Like they fit the director. Yeah, there was a time when people had different brains and thought in a different way than one. Yes, exactly. But like now it all looks the same. It's all the same fucking computer pack that you're buying. It's great nonsense. So, we're

fighting. Shilabuff's thing comes to nothing. We get a lot of CGI Shaya, which looks terrible. Oh, he's getting thrown this way and that. The CGI robots look not so great, but the CGI Shia looks absolutely awful. This is the, and by, I I think by and large these movies feel like they look good for what CGI is.

I think they look okay. One of their selling points is that they're always at the quote unquote cutting edge of CGI. There is one shot in this movie though. It's one of the times where Optimus Prime is in like the hangar or whatever and he like, oh, I remember exactly where it is. It's after, because when they wake up Sentinel Prime, he kind of like has a freak out and he starts fighting Optimus for two seconds and he's like, no, Sentinel, you're safe. you're with Autobots. And he's like, oh, cool. And he backs off.

There's a shot of Optimus Prime standing up. And, like, I don't know if the render didn't go through or what was going on, but it's like, I have to go now. My planet needs me. And you see this robot stand up and it's like, it, it, eh, it's so terrible. It stands out as a bad shot. It's, it's, it's, this movie was so long that by halfway through what I knew looked decent, it all fell apart for me.

Yeah. Like, I was like, this looks as bad as your worst practical effects any kind of movie. By the end of it, I was like, no, it all looks like garbage. This all looks like shit. Yeah. And also fucking pick your battle. Like, make one great sequence that looks amazing, not 20 on top of each other, like that building sequence

that takes up six thirds of the movie. And here's my other thing, though, with this. I mean, because we have... That's an improper fraction. We have six thirds. What? We have the running gag on the show when there's a useless destruction of cities and whatnot movies we have the gag of like oh it's 75 9-11s this movie is fucking 278 9-11s man

like why do we have to do this have ever seen put it's so many 9-11s in one movie like put this shit in the desert like I don't need the two like the iconic moon the moon we want the moon exactly like the two iconic buildings from the cover of Wilco's Yankee hotel fox trot that's in Chicago

are fucking decimated in this thing all these Chicago landmarks the bridges over the Chicago wherever are decimated all this shit go to the moon just go to the moon you can fucking bang up

whatever you want man and that'd be cool it would look cool like I've seen buildings be destroyed in so many movies I want to see someone to get fucking power slammed

on the moon I'm tired to see in buildings be destroyed why don't you destroy a mountain yeah that's cool just go for a hike

and fight yeah how about you know let's get a volcano involved why get somebody's fucking face in a moon crater let's see what that looks like or the face on the moon

is because we like punched some transformer really hard. Oh, yeah. Or it's a head. It's a head of another transformer. Right. Oh, but I think the face is on Mars.

The face was on Mars. Oh, maybe like Optimus Prime punches some dude so hard. He flies to Mars and smashes it in. And then on the other side of the planet, his face comes up. Whoa, dude, get your robot ass to Mars. Or at least you said volcano.

Shit. How about these robots go to the Pacific Northwest some Mount St. Helens, baby? That's cool. Recreational we. Hang out. Oh my God, I'm high as a fucking kite right now. God damn you Megatron.

That was some dank shit. And Bumblebee just keeps quoting mall rats. He's like, dude, Bumblebee, like, just shut up. Bumblebee shut up. Man, I'll tell you what, that scene where Bumblebee is about to be executed and Shined the Bups is crying.

A plus. I thought it was going to happen, man. I thought that robot was going to pull the time. Robert Einstein gets his fucking head blown off. And it's kind of hilarious. It's like him and Bumblebee and like some other fucking evil robots like, I'm going to die now. And he's like, Bumberby, I don't think we're going to get out of this.

And his head explodes. And I'm like, oh, Bumblebee, you're fucked. It's crazy. And like Bumblebee's playing some audio because all he does is like remix shit, right? And he's just like, you know, I'll always be your friend. I'm going to miss you. E.T. fucking phone home. And I was like, this robot's brains are going all over Shia LeBuff's sweaty face.

But he gets saved and who cares. So the movie's over, right? Well, here's the ending. So basically, Sentinel Prime and Optimus are fighting each other. And Megatron, who's just done nothing this entire movie, and Shilob's girlfriend, who's done nothing this entire movie. He's, like, sitting in an alleyway drunk, right? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, he comes upon him. He's fucking drinking his sorrows away, man. She basically, like, says, hey, you're gay. And he's like, what? And she basically says, like, oh, if you let Sentinel Prime win, he's going to be the master and you're going to be his bitch and he's like wait what and he gets up help me up help me up help me up so he goes over and like optimist is about to kill uh i'm sorry sentinel is about to kill optimist which would which has been megatron's goal this entire time right and this is where we need to

we need to pause everything because this is where two iconic franchises clash into this shitty franchise and it's awful because this is like one of those like donuts it's like one of those hamburgers that are made out of Twinkies and you're like well that's just disgusting

it's like those fucking donut cheese burgers yes exactly turducken it's indeed a turducken man because

this is where Leonard Nimoy voicing this robot says the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the view Optimus Prime

and I fucking threw up everywhere sure and then so he raises the sword above his head he's got like sword arms

or something this Sentinel Prime does and he raises it up and he goes there can only be one and he's about

to fucking decapitate this thing, cut to me looking at the Tribune, Michael Bay wanted Sean Connery to voice this. So then you've got this Highlander reference that got left in the movie, even though Spock is voicing

this shit. So stupid. Oh, my God. So much of this screenplay is, because I mean, like, the words let's roll happen twice, like two different characters. Let's roll is obviously the famous 9-11 quote where... No, I'm serious. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And happens

in the last movie, too. And like, Michael Bay really Lexa because it's like very militaristic like let's roll but like one of the military guys says it and then another Autobot like four minutes later but he's talking about actual wheels but it's like have you ever written an email for too long and you like repeat shit you erase stuff and then you copy and paste and then you're like oh shit I put that part twice that's what this screenplay is yes you're totally right Steve and at that point when you realize the the fucking email is that foo bar you have to just delete the entire thing and start over exactly because This email is fucking Faca

and you can't do anything about it and you should definitely not hit send and make it a major motion picture. Even more so. So like Megatron comes in, he stops and kills Sentinel Prime or maybe he stops Central Prime and then Optimus Prime kills him.

And then he goes to, Megatron's like, yo dude, I want to make a truce with you and like we'll make it all good. That was the original ending of the movie. In the novelization, that's what happens. Oh no, you read it? No, I did.

Wikipedia. says this. But, and I believe it. Basically, Megatron goes off to Cybertron and starts a new colony. What you would call Optimus Prime stays on Earth, and that's what that is. And let's just do it. That's logical. But it came out too early, and Michael Bill was like, oh, it ruined the movie, the spoilers. So he makes this thing where he executes

Megatron. Optimus Prime goes off. Oh, yeah. He's like, you fucking, this is for all your crimes. You need to be executed. It's like are Schindler's list All right like Ray Fines is being hung at the end No no it's even like Oh no in the fourth list

The main character's Optimus Prime At the end of Shinler's list Is you know It's Liam Neeson saying Oh I want I could have done more This watch

Could have done this And this jacket Could have saved this many people But then the script came out And Spielberg was like Well no We'll have to change the ending So Shinler gets his head

Blown off at the end By a Nazi Sure, why not. Hitler wins in this one. Exactly. Talk about revisionist history. Because that's the level of change we're talking about. Then this movie means nothing.

If you could change the ending to that degree, then nothing means nothing. Well, because nobody, there's been no, there's been no map. It doesn't matter where we wind up. Honestly, this is barely a movie. Yeah, it is. It's a $260 million barely a movie. Somehow I think it's better than the first, too. If the ending could either be, oh,

the main character and the antagonists become friends and start two different colonies, or one destroys another's head. Either way, either way, take your pick. It's also fucked up because Megatron spends most of this movie having little spider robots eating his head, which is great.

I was like, is this robot rotting? Yeah, I don't know. What is going on here? Also, fuck you, Hugo weaving's out of a job now. Yeah, how dare you? But when these robots die and come back all the time? They're just fucking robots. Is Hugo Weaving back, though, in the next movie? No, he's actually, Megatron is, but he's back in the King Arthur movie that's coming out.

Yeah. He's played by Frank Welker. No. They were like, yo, Frank. Welker finally got it, baby. They got in. They're like, yo, Frank. You got 17 voices for you to do.

The film, sort of like from that point, we sort of get, you know, he, Optimist Prime has just destroyed both of the baddies. Yeah. And we kind of go around. And pretty quickly, it gets to my. favorite part of the film, which is the creditoral. And I'm like, so satisfied. I'm so happy to see words on the screen. But that's what's, it's actually,

it's kind of funny. Oh, you can finally read. That's really, that's really enlightening. Even after two and a half hours though, and I was, I was ready to check out after like 30 minutes. The ending is kind of abrupt because we're on a bridge, you know, that's, that looks over the Chicago River. And it's like, yeah, seriously.

And, and like, Shia LeBuff's, like, oh, fuck, Optimus, you did what? Credits, Lincoln Park song. Call me Ishmael. It's outrageous, though, because there's no, I mean, like, we haven't talked about a ton of this movie, which is totally fine by me, but, like,

Sam Whitwicky's parents just fart right out of this movie. There's a thing where Sam Wittwiki murders McDreamy, that's just fucking whatever. Who could care? A movie's got a problem where, when the credits roll, I'm like, well, what the fuck happened to Kevin Don't.

Come on, where's Kevin Don at? If you're going to go for two hours and 36 minutes, wrap it all up. Yeah, exactly. Tie it all off. At this point, honestly. That's a great point. How do you have two hours and 36 minutes longer than any movie I may have ever seen? And you just don't wrap up all the plot lines.

It's fucking outrageously stupid. The last shot is because they realized they forgot about John DeToran Fransley Dormand entirely. So there's like a stinger. scene where like he like kisses her like he's in a wheelchair because some shit happens and like it's like the last shot is like an outtake of like him like talking smack to michael bay he talks right to the camera i don't it's it's ridiculous because he's just like is that good john yeah and he's looking right at the camera and i'm like who the fuck is john what are you talking about detour

what is happening are you talking to yourself in a monitor that you can see or what it's you know what who cares it's just fucking nonsense no i care because you're spending over $200 million on a movie don't have an actor break the fourth fucking wall. They don't give a shit, man. There are great movies in time, right, and where the last scene, you're like, is that person levitating?

Is that thing bending? Did I just realize that person was dead the whole time? And at the end of Transformers 3, they make an interesting creative decision to look at the audience and call them all John. And 12% of the audience is like, that's me. Oh, fuck, I hated it.

this movie, but they talk to me at the end. Many of film studies thesis papers have been written about this moment in Sylvester. Would anybody recommend this movie? No, but I agree with Eric that this is probably the best of the three that we've seen so far in terms of A, the deepest cast, B, we're killing people by Autobots and Decepticons, which I enjoy, but it's the longest, so it's just a no. having very little memory of the first film that I saw 10 years ago and having just watched this one

and that be my only basis, I have to disagree with everything you said, this has to be the worst one. Fair enough. You might be right. I mean, exact same as Steve. That's my answer. Oh, man.

Talk about short form. Yeah, no, it's trash. I think it's the most, it's the biggest missed opportunity in the franchise is what I think it is. which I think ultimately makes it the worst one we've discussed. Interesting. So far. You know,

because it's a cool thing. Like that whole plot of like we're killing people and, yeah, this, that, and the other thing. The moon, my God, the moon.

How do you forget the moon? Never forget the moon. You got to tie that. You got to go back to the moon and end the story of the moon. Buzz Aldrin needs to kick Megatron in the fucking dick, and that's the end of your movie. I'm just probably like, no,

I respect that man. That's Transformers, colon, dark of the moon, directed by Michael Bay. If you want more WHM, check out WHMpodcast.com or find us over at the headgum page. Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. We are at WHM podcast.

And of course, right into that mailbag, man. We all hate movies at gmail.com. Rate and review the show. Wherever you get it, we would greatly appreciate it. And I'll say in the air right now, there's been a little bit of technical confusion going on. And we have to apologize for it. Listen, we changed distribution platforms.

So unfortunately, we are no longer featured on Spotify. If you listen to us there, sorry about that. And if you ever bought our old app, that has been discontinued, unfortunately. The old Lipson app. We're not on Lipson anymore. We're happy to be on Art 19. So subscribe

in the various other ways to check out podcasts on the internet. There's all sorts of pod catchers out there. Oh, you can catch some pod, all sorts of ways. Stitchers on there. We are still on Stitchers. So that's one way, but iTunes, Android stores, all that stuff. We're still there. So sorry to the folks who use Spotify.

and the Lipson app, but we're over on Art 19 now. We're happy to be there. Change is good, you guys. Change is good. Sean, where can people catch you? What do you got going on? You're so fucking busy is the problem. We have you on once a year.

You're so busy. Sorry, guys. Yeah, I think the best thing to talk about is that Andrew and I work at a place called the Jacob Burns Film Center, which is an art house theater, a nonprofit place where you help also teach folks how to make films. and I run a program called Creative Culture that helps folks build out in a kind of community with their peers,

helps emerging professionals lift up short films and produce short films, and we help get those things into festivals and try to help launch their careers. And so if you are a filmmaker who is close enough, where at one point in your life winds up close enough to Westchester County, which is just above New York City, and you're looking to get a film off the ground

and work with a good community, you should apply for that. So just look up creative culture at the Jacob Burns Film Center and the applications are due on July 1st. So if you're like super into this,

get going now because I believe this episode's coming out towards the end of June. Late June, yeah. You'll have like a week and a half to get that app in. And you should because it's a really good program. It's a really awesome organization.

I mean, we've had folks like, you know, screen their work at Sundance. Yeah, we've got Vimeo staff Dix. Yeah, fellows from Sundance. I mean, honestly, it's a community that's pretty hot out the gate and so it's competitive but guess what if you get in you're gonna you're gonna do well

and vimeo.com slash private cabin to check out our first feature We Are Strangers and you can also peep the trailer for our new film Outer Spaces which will be hopefully hitting some festivals later in this year in early 2018 next week on the program oh no

Steve Zeta cowered in the corner this fucking Transformersathon continues and let me tell you something I think guys Let me do this, I feel. If you're cool with it, because people are going to be like, my God, these fucking Transformers for SB 2017, what are we doing? There's also some other stuff going on. So let's just say, maybe tease a little bit of a certain Marvel movie we're going to be talking about.

We might be talking about a certain webd avenger later on in the movie. Yeah, and maybe the third appearance of him in a motion picture. Spider-Man 3. Yeah. Sorry, there it is. There it is. Not soon enough. It'll happen.

There it is. But unfortunately next week, we are continuing the Transformers'Athon with the fourth one. And hey, bro, Mark Warbrook's coming to the franchise, baby. Oh, shit, this sucks. Getting some Warburgers there. Oh, shit. So until next week, when the Transformersathon continues, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Siddhar.

Eric Siska and Sean Winer. Take it easy. That was a headgum podcast.