We Hate Movies - S7 Ep308: Episode 308 - Transformers: Age of Extinction

Episode Date: June 27, 2017

On this week's episode, the gang welcomes Hooked On T.J. Hooker's Ben Worcester into the studio to help tackle the ridiculously long and ridiculously dumb, Transformers: Age of Extinction! Why waste the best part of your movie by killing off T.J. Miller? Why did they make Mark Wahlberg's character from Texas? And who was asking for these Dinobots? PLUS: Mark Wahlberg is a massive Cheers fan.  Transformers: Age of Extinction stars Mark Wahlberg, Stanley Tucci, Kelsey Grammer, Nicola Peltz, Jack Reynor, Titus Welliver, T.J. Miller, Peter Cullen, Frank Welker, John Goodman, and Ken Watanabe; directed by Michael Bay. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Now on today's program, the longest yet of what we've watched of Transformer movies. This is Transformers, call in Age of Extinction. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadek. Eric Siska. Ben Worcester. And we hate movies.

Hello, everyone, welcome to we hate movies. Thank you for tuning into our fine program, as always. This week, like we mentioned up top, my God, this Transformersathon just keeps rolling along. I do think we need to get it out of the way. That Ben Wester's in studio? Yes. What's that about? Chris has been indicted.

We'll see what happens. But his emails, we're going to have to wait and see. So Ben is valiantly stepping up here. How are you doing, buddy? I'm doing just fine. I'm doing just fine. Actually, I mean, you guys didn't see it. It happened sort of off camera, off Mike.

But I'm Chris Cabin. I just transformed. Oh, wow. It's the evolution. You know, Chris Cabin wasn't here last because he was in his cocoon phase. That's a good way to evade prosecution Turned to Ben Worcester There it is

So yeah, this is Transformers Age of Extinction from 2014 Also directed by Michael Bay And wow, these things are just starting to blend together Now Ben Worcester, you're only guesting on this episode But have you recently seen these The previous three Transformer pictures? Oh man, I saw Transformers one in the theater

Right, yeah, we all got duped into that Which I feel most people did Yeah, sure I got duped twice Two twice Second time was for air conditioning It was just a desperation move Desperate and the air conditioning was broken

But I didn't leave Oh yeah Well what does that say? It says I'm lazy and stubborn So I'm definitely I mean not that it makes much difference You know I wasn't lost I kind of picked up on where things were at

So did you go one to four Is that one to four? Oh, good for you. Yeah. Wow, so he only had one run in with Shila Buff and his hilarious parents and... Yeah, yeah, yeah, just completely... So Buff was back in two? And three.

And three. Yeah, this is the first Buffless. Oh, okay. He was actually in federal, in jail at this point. He was in jail. He was in federal prison. So is his character, Sam Whitwicky. I believe he's now in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Oh, I see. Oh, for being an alien sympathizer. Is that how that works? Yes. Put the hood on him and throw him. and throw him into a hole. There you go. Spray him with a hose.

Was he involved, like, was he blamed for the Battle of Chicago or whatever they alluded to? They did a bunch of Abu Ghraib shit on him. No, he's just lying. They don't mention his character at all. That's weird, because the first two have Megan Fox, and Megan Fox bounces in the third room

because she called Michael Bay a Nazi and because Michael Bay tried to put his camera entirely up her ass. So there's a big problem for everybody. He loves those low shots. He does. Michael Bay is a film. production and colonoscopy industries yes so he once he gets that that that

that craning cam go and he's gonna be really he's gonna be off the races but they they talk shit about her in the third movie right so at least her character is kind of given like oh they broke up but she was kind of mean or something yeah this one no you know you think optimists at least or bumblebee can't even talk but like one of them would be like remember the good old days with Sam with wiki I can't believe we're hanging out with stupid Mark Walberg with cinema's dumbest name ever

Keg what is it Kade Yeager Kade Yeager God damn that's terrible Kade That's all he did in this movie was yell Kade What I love about

Could you name my character after a Yeager bomb Could you just name me Yeager bomb? Oh shit if my character Chokeslammed a Transformer It would be a Kade Yeager bomb What was it they were saying What was there Chuck Yeager?

Wasn't that that that error? guy. Yeah. I figured there he flew airplanes. He did. He broke the sound barrier or something like that. Oh, that was Chuck Yeager did that? Oh, shit. And there was a bitch in flight simulator. Did you ever play that? Microsoft flight simulator?

No. Well, there's specifically Chuck Yeager Branded version. No, really? Oh, I didn't play that. I was a Microsoft flight simulator guy. This was like before that, I think. This is like the real old school. Oh, wow. So it was like even worse than Microsoft. It was like, You could actually, like, I think you could parachute or someone could parachute and you could shoot at them.

And I remember just shooting a little, like a little pixel guy with a gun. I don't know if that was related. Is that what Chuck Yeager was up to? Yeah, why is that in Chuck Yeager's flight simulator? Fucking black ops, man. Oh, Chuck Yeager's new game, Black Ops? He always carried his pixel pistol with him in the cockpit. And then there was also that famous, Hey, Dean Yeager.

Oh, well, Hey, Dean Yeager, of course, from Ghostbusters, Dean Yeager. So those are the things I thought about. Is my character related to the Ghostbusters? That's kind of scary. I could have been in that new Ghostbusters, but they just hired a bunch of fucking broads. No one saw that. He had a problem with it, I bet.

So, yeah, we start at the beginning of time. Like you want to with a Transformers movie. Get me some fucking dinosaurs. Oh, my God. Terrence Malix, Transformers, Age of Extinction. Oh, wow. Optimist Prime steps on that. dinosaur's head and it's just like looking

at it. Dude, that dinosaur looked worse than the dinosaurs in Tree of Life. Oh, yes. I really like Tree of Life, but those dinosaurs are distractingly bad. This dinosaur in this $200 million whatever the hell movie

looks like shit. Yeah. And I bet if it was a fucking dinosaur that could turn into a goddamn car you'd bother to make it look good. Pooposaurus. Puposaurus. Is that what it was called? Do you honestly?

Well, maybe. I don't know. Michael Bay. Well, it doesn't look like any dinosaur I've seen before. I thought we were in space. I didn't think we were on Earth because I was like, oh, look at these weird little gleeplop aliens. Oh, wait, they're supposed to be like real dinosaurs that really existed. They spent zero time designing these things.

Like, I don't think they consulted paleontologists for this. Oh, no, no, no, no. All right, you got an afternoon. Give me something. And isn't, is Spielberg still a strong suit? I do robots. Bay wants his diet. I know.

Is Spielberg still executive producing these movies? That guy made dinosaurs come back from the grave. He was off that day. Yeah. The dino day? Man, he's got nothing to do with this shit. No, I mean, it's a check. It's a really, really nice series of checks.

But, like, what is the involvement, though? Is it like, oh, Stephen, can you come in and consult like this one day? Can you just, I have one question from you for you about a Transformers movie, and now you have an executive producer credit. You should make it big. Thank you for the check. I'm going to go put in another pool now. I think that robot should be big too.

Oh, this one, make it really small. Oh, and that robot? Make it about 10% less racist. Yeah, there we go. It's all just window screen to give these movies an air of legitimacy. Like, it's from Steven Spielberg. Yeah, oh, totally. So, yeah, so we witnessed.

And the guys who brought you knocked up. Oh, yeah, they were involved. That's why this movie's two hours and 45 minutes long. Because of all the fucking a robot improv scenes. Oh my God, that robot's house might have to go up for sale. What's going to happen? That's so crazy. This is optimist.

All these robots have extended riffs about seeing Spider-Man 3 in theaters. That homely Jewish robot married a lady robot that's much more attractive than he is. Let's talk about that for 90 minutes. Did they get married? What are you talking about? Knocked up? No, I guess that's another Apatow movie. I think that's fine.

They all bleed together. Funny people, or this is 40, one of them. Cade Yeager, fetch me my bong. Oh, man, getting stoned with the Transformers. I'm down. Yeah, sure. Yeah, so we witnessed, like, the real extinction event. You fucking thought it was a comic.

Guess what, motherfuckers, robots. That was 30 seconds in. Yeah, we were given this 30 seconds in his movie. My life went upside down. Everything I thought I knew. Yeah. What are the odds? And no narrative, you know, the first three movies, Ben, now you've been out of the game, the Transformers game for a while.

Yeah, yeah. You get, you open on a nice sultry Peter Cullen Optimus Prime riff on something, you know, like millennials today or whatever he's talking about this week. To get at the grocery store, celery, baby carrots. Did you hear about this? Canned soup. But this time. Did you ever notice how airplane food is bad? Condoms. You know, I knew it.

I dated an airplane once. Let me say the stereotype is not true. Oh, man. She tasted good. Transformers stand-up comedy. I love it. I was going down on an airplane the other day. Let me say, I got lost in the wind flaps.

Oh, wow. That's awful. The secret is, get her above 35,000 feet. That's disgusting. No, I'm picturing, you ever see that with, like, speaking of Chuck Yeager, when these airplanes refuel and shit, like, in the air and you get that big fucking, like, tubes. Yeah, that fucking gas dick comes out.

Imagine that where it's like Optimus Prime, like, just growing, you know what I'm saying? Because he's a grower, not a shower, and then he slides it into this airplane. I would love to know that. I want to know what his gas dick looks like. Well, that's actually a big part of this movie because... Here you go. It also negates the rest of the series? The rest of the series?

Well, specifically something we saw, I think, in the second movie. Because in this movie, that fucking, like, the most advanced, like, robot, I guess it's technically a Decepticon. Sure. The Villain, whatever this dude's. Lockdown. Lockdown is, like, and his fucking facial features are out of control. This is a robot.

Like, come on. He's got big lips. It's like Doug Jones in a mocap suit. It's terrible. But so that guy, it says to Optimus Prime, he's like, he's like, you think that you were born. You were built. And I was like, no, in that second movie, I saw a fucking robot fall out of a jelly sack. It happened.

Don't tell me it didn't happen. I saw that Matrix rip-off shit. Well, I mean, we never saw the jelly sacks ever again. And they kind of just assumed. And that did happen. Yes. Okay, because I don't remember. Yeah.

So, okay, it did happen. Yeah. All right. So then we go to the Arctic where there's a guy who I could have sworn, I would have put money on it that this was Fisher Stevens doing a Scottish accent. Oh, nice. Turned out I was wrong. He'll do any accent you want him to do.

Oh, yeah, racist or otherwise. And so there's like this scientist, and she comes in, and it's like, oh, like, this whole discovery is going to change what we know history to be. And it's like a frozen dinosaur robot. And she's like, I'll see you in 51 minutes and leaves the movie. Oh, totally. So we can cut to Texas, USA. Like, I fucking. know where Texas is because Texas could not exist anywhere else.

But to be fair, when Mark Wahlberg starts talking as a Texan, you're like, am I in Texas America? Or is this like, did, did Texas get annexed by Boston? Or how did that work? I think there was a lot of like the population shifted once the Battle of Chicago. Oh, that's a shame. Oh, no, because in this movie, dude, it clearly states that both Mark Wahlberg and T.J. Miller, who are supposed to be the same age in this movie grow up together.

in Paris, Texas. Paris, Texas? They mention specifically that it's Paris, Texas, just like the Vim Vendors movie. Yeah, welcome by Dean Stockwell. Totally, man. But that, so, like, right there,

there's a whole bunch of shit to unpack. It's like Mark Wahlberg was from a family that was too racist for Boston. And they were like, get the fuck out of here and go to Texas. That's ridiculous how racist his family is. You take yourself, your whole family, and all your dumb inventions,

and you get the hell out of here. Good point, Ben Wister. We have to address this immediately. You know, Mike, Mike, Mike, do you ever watch Wim Wendez movies? That's a good movie. Do you ever see Wings of Desire? Oh, my God, Mike, do you believe in angels? Oh, shit.

I think I might be an angel on this earth. Yeah, Ben Wister points out that Mark Wahlberg was cast to play an inventor. That's fucking comedy. Oh, my God. This guy's inventions. Well, also, like, so we set up this world wherein, it's the Battle of Chicago. what happens the transformers are out of fashion finally like you know it's illegal

to have transformers or harbor transformers and this is we're talking like full on autobots as well like yes everybody's out everybody's out but this guy's still able to make robots I feel like that would be illegal too this is what was just I couldn't wrap my head around

it's like we're in this world right where everyone knows there's transforming talking robots that they fought and destroyed a city yeah and this guys here still trying to invent a robot. It's like the saddest thing I've ever seen. It has to be like to Steve's point about like wouldn't someone step in or whatever, you know, like stop this dude from working on these things. Like it has to be because the government knows he's just so terrible

at building these robots that it's like, no, no, let him live at this fucking fantasy camp. Oh, that's cute. Look, oh, you mean, that, that robot's painting a wall. Isn't that cute? But you're right. Like, that's a trying to invent the car right now. Like, oh, I'm going to go in and get all this scrap metal together, and I'm going to invent what a car is. And then do it badly. It's like, wait, these wheels aren't round. Like that one scene where, I mean, the thing that comes to the door,

it's like this little dog that greets you at the door, and then he's trying to get one to talk, and it has these horrible eyeballs. Yeah. That thing's terrifying. It's like, oh, one of these days, I'm going to get this to work. No, you're not. And why are you even bothering?

Just let it go. There are robots everywhere. There's too many robots in the world as it is. He needs event help. You remember this? How? It's his commercials event help? I thought you're doing a live read right now.

George Foreman's an inventor. Yes, thank you. And those ads where he's just like, hey, are you unemployed? I love those because are you unemployed? What you need to do is be an ex-professional boxer and slap your name on something you had

nothing to do with like a George Forman crew. That's the best part, my absolute favorite part about those event health commercials is it starts with him going, people are always asking me, George, where can I patent my inventions? And I was like, really, are people always asking you that George Foreman? They're not always

asking you about boxing. Or why you named all your children, George? These are my sons. George, George, George, George, George, George. These are my daughters. Mark, Mark. Mark and Mark Are you telling me that George Foreman

did not invent a grill? I don't think so. A grill that is slightly at an angle so grease drips into a tray. Someone put a book under a frying pan and they're like, say.

Yeah, but you know what? Man, we're making fun of that. That person's laughing all the way to the bank. They already have. Well, actually, George Foreman killed that person and then took the skew match.

Yeah. And the day is mine. So Mark Wahlberg, yes, he went to high school with T.J. Miller, who I think is like 29 years old. Yeah, T.J. Miller, also a native of Paris, Texas. Sure. Looks and acts like a Midwest surfer dude. But that's kind of a gag, I guess? I guess it's the gag, but it's just T.J. Miller with his, you know, Midwest accent.

Can I interject here, having not seen two and three, I have, well, a continuing series of notes where it's like, here I have, oh, no, Erlich. because he pops up and it's like what the hell is he doing in here yeah first first and only time as the movie unfolds though this fourth movie we'll get to it it's there's many many oh nos yeah it's it's just this litany of like recognizable faces that you've enjoyed elsewhere but then it's like oh that's bent that's what this whole franchise is it's a litany of faces you've enjoyed elsewhere and it's a fucking boner jam so we've had john tautora ruined for us we had john malcovich ruined for awesome. Friends McDormon Ruinford? Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Megan Fox ruined. Wow. James Gandalfini and the second one when he goes up to Optimus Primes, like, I hear

you like to slam into buildings. You've got quite a flare for it. That was at the cafeteria in Langley. Yes, exactly. But yeah, so they're like, I guess what are they scrappers or something? Like, what are they doing? They're like, yeah, they're just some junkyard dogs.

I guess, like, Optimus Prime, it's revealed later that Lock, Lockdown, and Optimus had some, like, sort of battle in Mexico City. Did anyone get that line? Oh, yeah. She went down in Mexico City before this movie happened. That's my heroine. God damn it, Lockdown, get back here. I swear to God, Lockdown, I thought she was 18 years old. Like, what happened in Mexico City that he's... Oh, no. Pimpot 5,000. I'm in deep water now.

Oh shit, Tukobot. Let's get out of here. Yeah, you know, all those things are way better than what the answer is, which is a robot fight? A robot fight happens. Optimus Prime. I guess, like, you remember going to the movie house as a kid. That's where I will die. Oh, that's right.

It's an abandoned movie theater. Yeah, so speaking of fucking movies that take place in Texas, man. So now we're at the last picture show. I mean, yeah. So it's like, I guess. Mark Wahlberg, for whatever reason, is buying a movie theater with T.J. Miller. Is that the idea? No, I think he's just like one of those junk, junk picker guys. Oh, he's just buying the projector? Yeah, like all sorts of stuff. It's a place full of crap. I'll pay you to take the stuff out of here. He's a hoarder, basically. It's like a compulsion. He's just like, well, that's still good. Don't put that. Optimist, don't put that in the dumpster. It's still good. It's still good.

That happened to me once. I had a guard, we threw out our air conditioner. And, like, we threw out our air conditioner. And, like, Within minutes, some guy rings my doorbell and it's like, you're throwing out that air conditioner? And I'm like, yeah. Mind if I take it off your hands? I'm going to fucking inject that Freon into my body. Probably. Meanwhile, he's holding it and caressing it at the door. There's something about air conditioner.

I saw it first. In this city, man, because I was throwing out an air conditioner once. And then the dude found me. It was like walking with me to the bodega. Same voice, too. He was just like, you get. rid of that? And so like I'm walking back with him now and like

trying to lose this guy. Yeah, yeah, it's right out there. And he's like, all right, yeah. And we get back and it's not there. And suddenly he gives me this look like I owe him something. Oh, no. Are you kidding? I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. He's the guy that used to smoke crap. Crap. He used to smoke crack on my stoop. You've met him, Ben. Well, sure. Yeah. I believe he was

caressing an air conditioner when I saw him. I don't remember his name, but he was very distinct. A.C. I think he got anywhere. plug this in you know I'd be really cool if I could just plug this in I just love the notion of someone puts an air conditioner down on the sidewalk

and then either walks back inside or walks to a bodega and someone's like hey man are you throwing that out or what just take it it's outside it's garbage just walk away with it I don't want to have any we're not bartering right now yeah it's next to a pile of garbage bags of course it's

garbage so I think that's what he's doing is like yo can I you got to throw away that Big Mac truck, bro? I might if I pay you for it? And also T.J. Miller, by the way, T.J. Miller gives him the money to do it. So Optimus Prime belongs to DJ Miller. Yep. That's right. That is right.

He does. But then there's that all that bullshit that we get from from Marky Mark about how some no-com, you sign a no-compete clause. Like, come on. Come on. You're the worst. Something about like any intellectual property that T.J. Miller comes up with what?

Like, he's working to fucking Disney. Anything you come up with while you work for me as mine or something? You're working at Mark Wahlberg's fucking barn. Anything you come up with on your own is your own. There's no above the board fucking legally filed business practice here. Come on.

He does Marky Mark another character as his precious baby daughter. Oh, right. So he could have barely legal. Oh, actually illegal. Right? Illegal. I think she's 17.

She's portrayed as at least 17 in this movie. I don't know about the actress's age, but that is why if you notice in this movie, there are no fucking ramming the camera up her ass shots because it's a child Michael Bay. That's the but she's probably the same age of Megan

Fox was supposed to be in the first one, right? Yeah, probably. Well that's like we're graduating high school. But also we were from the perspective of a horny teen. Oh, I see. The movie's perspective of is like the doting father now has to deal with the boyfriend and whatnot.

Inventor. Dumb Inventor. Now we're watching this movie through the lens of dumb inventor. And that's perfect. That's what the movie feels like. Sure. This is the dumbest movie I've ever seen. I'm going to stump Andrew right now.

Do you know we did an episode with this starring this girl not very long ago. Do you have any idea what that movie might have been? Was it Dracula Untold? It was not. Wild in the streets. It was not, she's not a hundred and forty-one years old. Avatar, she was one of the, she was the lead dead-eyed girl in The Last Airbender. Oh, get out of town.

Yeah. She got her eyes fixed. She's like, look at stuff now. She got her eyes fixed. Hey, her eyes finally on the cross. She got hit in the face with a baseball again. So, and his whole, Markey's whole thing is stop looking at my hot daughter, please. Right. Like, that's, like, his idea.

And the gags of, like, put a sweater on. You're not doing this. Just till you're 18, I'm going to be your date to the problem. Like, how many of these bullshit Tim Allen dadisms can you fucking cram into just under three hours? Eight simple rules for me not to be interested in your movie. That's exactly what we're talking about. It's really disrespectful that that show continued after the death of John Ritter. Did they get a new dad?

No, but it just became eight simple rules and David Spade was ruling the rules. What? Why? Because fucking business, man. The finger thing means the most. money. I've got to find out the continuity now, man. Like, what happened to Ritter? They killed them off. They, the character, like, had a heart attack or something. Just like John Ritter, pretty much. So he had a funeral in real life and on the show. Yeah. And then David Spade came in as like Katie Sigal's brother or something. I think it was David Spade. I think you're right. It might have been David Spade. It lasted way longer than it should have after the death of

comedy legend John Ritter. That'll happen with we ate movies one day. One of us will die. We'll have an on-air funeral. And then David Spade will replace Chris Cabin. Exactly. It'd be fun to get Spade in here. We could do black sheep. Yeah. I feel like lost and found. So, um, uh,

he brings Optimus Prime who's like great. I guess what he gets hurt like his, his color pigment was off. I think this is like camo mode or some shit. Incognito, man. I have a question about this. Please. Relating to why, and he's disheveled, right? Yeah, it looks like shit. I thought, You know, it's because he was almost died or something in the last movie. No, I think

that's the fucking secret thing in Mexico that we're not privy to. I've been down on my luck, sucking tailpipe for quarters. This isn't rust. Come on, Ratchet, I'll suck your tailpipe for some of that Energon. We're all brothers

here. I just need enough to get a spark on. I got some of iron hides bad junk. Now I'm gray for Forever. Crocodile. That sounds like a transformer. Oh, it's crocodile.

You want to inject some of my auto deal in you, eh? Okay. Sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry, Ben. We almost get crocodile later on. We kind of do. I think that's what that guy's name is. But at a certain point, not to jump too far ahead, but he scans a truck.

how does that work exactly we learn in the first movie when a transformer looks at something it can turn into it so long provided it's a car pretty stupid it makes no sense well and then why would he

I guess to your point Andrew he's like he's undercover but then wouldn't you just be like I don't know be a shitty jalopy station wagon or I don't know like a for sale sign or I because I don't think the size differential can be that great

like he can be a shittier mac truck right but he can't be like a little Ferrari or something. I thought it was like dignity or something. Like at the end of the day, I am still a truck. A truck is a truck. I understand. I understand.

I was under the impression. He somehow instantly healed himself while on the highway. And it's like, all right, this doesn't make any sense. No, no, no, no, no. Now it makes slightly more sense. It's like when the Ninja Turtles put on a trench coat. That's pretty much it. But Mark Wahlberg, who can't fucking fix a doorbell,

fixes a 7 million-year-old alien-slash car. It's so, I mean, this dude gets to work on Optimus Prime. And by the way, he notices pretty quickly that it is a transformer. And he's like, bro, we got a transformer in the bond. Let's do it. And we're saying transformer now in this movie. We've always said either Autobot or Decepticon. And now Mark has just been like, oh, it's a transformer, bro.

They're all the same, right? Because now the government hates both of them. Oh, I see. And there's a line. There's a telephone line you're supposed to call to, report it well and that's see something say something that's i mean that's the thing right so after this third movie ben where basically like the city of chicago is leveled uh but it's back for this movie though everything's yeah to get to get sort of leveled again for part of the movie they built those

skyscrapers up real fast but so the whole thing now is like okay like there was this fucking two hundred nine eleven's terrorist attacked by these aliens so this whole movie is like aping post-9-11 fears and shit the see-something say something all that stuff like you're you're you're you all you robots are the same so they put in a transformer ban

and we're still waiting to see if the Supreme Court will take up but we do get a scene the last last scene of ratchet I felt really bad when this happened you guys I don't know if you guys get choked up no ratchet is just like you know

live in his life you know what I mean he probably's got a boyfriend somewhere something you know what I mean like he's he's finally come out like he's no longer under optimist's gaze he's totally I could live my life as I want to live and then the fucking government got him this is the transformer that was killed at the beginning of the picture yeah yeah that's like green I just love like when we're gonna when we're gonna kill a transformer in this fashion boy oh boy do we murder these transformers it's so gruesome it's it is gruesome even by robot death standards like and it's like oh yeah you followed this the adventures of this

but for the last three movies. Now he's going to get picked apart and shot in the face and stabbed through the chest. Yeah, like, I think lockdown takes his heart out. By the way, you know who's running the CIA ops?

Our friend Bosch. Oh, right. Titus Welliver. Oh, no. Bosch. Look out for Bosch, man. He's coming. He's got a fucking duster to beat the band in this movie.

I'm an Amazon original. Have you seen Bosch, Ben? Are you a Bosch watcher? I'm not a Bosch watcher, but I know that. actor from Deadwood. Oh,

was he on Deadwood? Yeah. He played that as short and he was only a couple episodes but

Was it Bosch's great, great, great, great, Grandpathy? Could have been. He was a gunslinger. Hesperus Bosch.

Romeas Bosch. Tidus We were also the man in black on loss like one of the big like series villain towards the end of the show. Oh, that's right.

Yeah. I mean, Titus Wallever is just kind of like a cheap heavy, you know what I mean? Like he's a heavy, but he's just He's less expensive than the other heavy. Yeah, that's perfect.

Good death in this movie. He does. Good death. And Kelsey Grammer actually is running the whole outfit, by the way. Hello. Oh, no. Kelsey Grammer. They should just made it beast.

Oh, you get the part. crossover. Yeah. Oh, you get the part transformers. It's funny you said cheap heavy because I have underlined on my little notebook here, cheap gravitas. Is that for Kelsey Grammar? What's amazing to me, and I was texting you guys about this last night

when I was sitting through two hours and 45 minutes of this movie. I don't know. And we sort of talked about this with regard to Transformers Dark of the Moon and the politics in that movie. I don't understand what the angle is here because it's like you've got Kelsey Grammer, known extreme conservative actor. Well, not extreme.

He's a very conservative actor. He's a neo-Nazi. I mean, he's not saying, you know, give funerals for aborted fetuses or whatever, but, you know, he's... Hitler did, nothing wrong, Niles. But no, like, known conservative actor, very, like, war hockey, very fucking terroristy, this and that, blah, blah, blah. But in this movie, he's playing that, but that is clearly the villain of the movie. It's, I mean, the politics are always kind of South Parky and everybody's a little bit wrong, I think. It's designed to confuse you, you know?

Yeah. So everyone's having fun, okay, right? All right. What are the, I mean, what are base politics? Does anyone ever read on what his politics are? Well, first, you've got the Democrats over here, and they can just go, bra! And then you've got the Republicans over here, and then you go, shah! And then they come together in the House of Congress, and you go, blah! That's actually pretty accurate.

Okay, that makes a good deal of sense. But this is when I was... So he's a third party, Gary Johnson type that I'm getting upset. He's money. That's all he cares about That's what I was confused about though Last week because if you recall He made that fucking

He made the Benghazi story Into an action movie That's also true So I don't know what that is either I don't know how to read this movie And it was kind of really bothering me I think Ben's got it right It's Kaboom

It's kind of what you should be Kaboom And when the dust settles There's a big fucking golden dollar sign In front of a beautiful American flag And a babe and a fucking babe. And then a car drives up her.

What? And it becomes a robot. Woo. So Optimus Prime turns into Optimus Prime. And then everyone's like, oh shit, it's Optimus Prime. And I feel like he's like, no, I'm not. I'm Ronnie the robot.

I get that all the time. Baseball cap and sunglasses. No, it's like when Hannibal Lecter's blending into the crowd at the end of silence and he just puts that hat out, he's like, oh, no, I have to go. I'm having an old friend for dinner. And he just walks down the street in the Bahamas. A tune-up. I have an old friend for a tuna. I mean, yeah, he does try to play it out.

I'm optimist, what? Sounds like a pretty cool dude. I haven't heard that name in a long time. he's also freaking out too like when they wake up he's like get away from me i'll kill you i'll kill you human get away for me waving his robot gun around like a drunkard he is he's still got that mexico city junk in him whatever went out in mexico is still with him it haunts him to this day why couldn't that be i don't know like a fucking prequel comic or something tell me what happened New Mexico.

Oh, man, Optimus and he falls in with the cartel for a little bit. He's trying to take down El Chapo. Yes, yes, yes. El Chapo needs to be in the Transformers' verse. Let's see you dig a tunnel now,

motherfucker. Blamo. Optimus Prime in the chop house. Oh, watch out. Either you give me the stuff or we... Or I transfer you to American custody.

Oh shit. Oh, shit. Iron Hyde, that guy's got a lion. Like a real lion. It's a real deal fucking lion, iron hide. Look at Iron Hyde, just look at it. It's a real lion. They took two of my fingers.

Which actually, which are also part of, those are my shocks. So it's going to be a real bumpy ride from now until the end of my life. But I just built some new ones. But fuck Iron Hyde. That was worth it for all that delicious cocaine. So we can only assume that when he went dormant,

he was waving a gun around high on cocaine, ready to kill someone. Yes, yeah. Optimist? Yeah, that's why when you put the tape back in, he's like, I'll fucking kill you, motherfucker. He's in the middle of a Coke freakout, and he wakes up in the... Right. At the end of the world.

It's fantastic. Bay is one step ahead of all of us. So, T.J. Miller is like, oh, I saw it. You know, if you, you know, T.J. Miller's like, oh, by the way, the last time we've seen Transformers, you know, Chicago was destroyed. Also, we can get a lot of money. We have money problems if I just turn in. And I'm kind of with T.J. Miller here, man. Like, I don't know a fucking car or anything. Like, you know, I don't care. Yeah, I think, like, you could have avoided all these problems if you just turned in Optimus Prime because the only reason, um, what's this dude's name? Gravedigger? Who is the bad guy? Master truck, Lockdown.

Lockdown, yeah. The only reason Lockdown like starts shit in the first place is because Optimus Prime starts fucking with him. Yeah. If it wasn't for that,

as far as I understand this movie, if this deal went down and Kelsey Grammer got this stupid thing and Stanley Tucci's company could make these transformers and whatever,

like lockdown would have just gone away. Granted the reincarnated soul of Megatron, which is now in Galvatron, which is now voiced by Frank Welker, instead of Hugo Weaving would have risen up

and like taking over humanity anyway man there's a lot to this movie I can't wait to be reincarnated as a more affordable actor that's really really exciting to me I would love it if Frank Welker cost more than Hugo Weaving that's the way it should go

because Frank Welker voicing Galvatron in this movie and is it solely Galvatron or is he doing anybody else here? He must be doing six robots at least but he is really fucking bringing it to Galvatron Oh yeah he's having fun with it It's awesome, because you want to learn from the master man,

learn from Frank Welker, right there. I mean, for all we know, it could be a push. This thing still costs $200 million or whatever. Like, good God. So much money. It's insane. So, yeah, T.J. Miller turns into T. Judas Miller. And, yeah, you like that one?

No. Good. That's why I said it. He turns on everybody and Titus Welliver and Kelsey Grammer Kelsey Grammer's like watching everyone through this bee he has

Oh yeah the little drone bee that he's got That's kind of fun It's also more fucking weird bullshit I don't know the viewpoint of the movie Well I don't want to go there You know what I'll just send a four foot bee No one'll notice that four foot bee Kelsey Grammer definitely has

The Honeyman The Honeyman Kelsey Grammer definitely has a George W. Bush fucking deck of playing cards with transformers on them. Instead of Iraqis. Yeah. Now we took out Iron Hyde. Who's left? I'm going to get all these transformers.

Oh, man. People don't even believe that they got Iron Hide. They dropped him off the side of a boat. I don't know if they got him. Where's the proof, bro? So whatever, T.J. Miller, like, calls the police on them, turns them in. all these government agents roll up to Mark Wahlberg's fucking Friday Night Lights ranch

you know from Texas that's you know that's what I do there's definitely a Friday Night Lights esch shot in this movie though like as we're introduced to the daughter and it's like there's kind of even bullshit explosions in the sky music and then this car pulls up and it's all these like sexy Texas teens and she gets out and it's like see you at the dance

tomorrow yay but the weird thing is he's an he's an inventor that used to play football like that's part of his character too well it's texas everyone used to play football okay oh but that's a plot point big plot point yep don't you forget he knocked t j miller out with a throw right to the dome oh that comes back well i did not know that i didn't pay attention so um optimist is like hiding and then like uh titus well is about to blow his daughter away. And Kelsey Gramer gives the order. He's like, yeah, just shoot an American

on American soil. It's totally fine. Do it. Shoot it right in the head. But see, the thing about it is, if you do that, you would then have to kill Mark Wahlberg. Well, yeah, you've got and T.J. Miller, you've got to kill all the witnesses. It's a slash and burn operation at that point. Absolutely. They do it every day. I should mention, by the way, this is not the first

instance of trouble we've seen at Mark Wahlberg's farm because a few minutes before this in the movie, he chases away an African-American woman who's like a real estate agent who's trying to sell like his like his house is in foreclosure his house is in foreclosure

he chases this woman away from the with a baseball bat like like she's a she's an elderly Vietnamese man I see look up Mark Wahlberg's personal history to understand that joke better oh my Lord

what did you talk about bro I love all people bro that guy said he was cool with me it's fine I gave him a bunch of money he forgot him about it. Mainly due to the brain damage. You didn't remember any of it. I mean, he's a piece of shit in this movie. Yeah. There's no way around it. I hated his character. It's obnoxious. Everything he says and does is obnoxious. You want him to be taken out by either Kelsey Grammer,

tied as well over a robot of some kind. It's crazy because I was so excited, not excited to watch this movie, but I was excited to have Mark Wahlberg over Shial above. Because it's a change of pace. We've done three movies with essentially the same cast. Right. Now it's like, all right, we hit the reset button. We still have all the beloved robots, which is what the movie should just be 95% of it anyway. They should just call it the beloved robots. I think that's how it translates in Japan, actually.

Come to me, my beloved robots. That's how Michael Bay starts every new Transformers movie. Day one on set. Let's all break bread together, my beloved robots. Yeah, Walbert kind of stinks. you know he stinks he's not very like i he's putrid he's not he's terrible and his character is even worse yeah he's behind six months on rent like he's he's carried movies before but this is like i guess because he's given nothing to do he i mean to be fair daddy bullshit that's all you

do yeah and it's weird it's also weird to see him as a father like that i don't know why maybe it reminds me of my own mortality but yo bro is this so this guy's like a dad right but he still goes out right on Saturday night he's like yo I'm going out he's a swole dad Mike listen I'll play this dad but this dad bro he's got to be cool

he's got to be a cool dad so he's going out though right he's not a dad that's not going to be home on Saturday night look this dad's got his own pussy posse posse right you can throw a tight spiral what happened to the mother dude was that a dress dead she's dead dead

Under suspicious circumstances. I believe she died in childbirth or maybe not? No, I don't think it's... Oh, no, I think it was a shallow grave. Oh, I see. Oh, so there was like a bunch of roommates in an apartment that they were fighting over and Danny Boyle's shallow grave.

Yes, yes, exactly. And then, yes. Yo, bro. I can't make the rent on these inventive payments. I got to kill my wife. Oh, dude, an insurance thing, like double indemnity or something. Oh, there you go.

That's a great movie. Well, I saw this movie. Let's talk about that instead. Yo, Mike, ever see double indemnity? I can never say it. Double and damnit. It's a tough one. Double indemnity.

Mike, did you see double indemnity? I mean, they never address it, but we can only assume she was killed by one of his inventions. Oh, of course. It was the painting robot. It accidentally dropped a painting roller and picked up what it thought was the painting roller, but it was a knife.

Kelsey Graham is actually there to investigate the insurance claims. Dubley indemnify. What? Oh, God, I have to start a movie with Mark Wahlberg. Holy shit, you were on Cheers. It's my favorite show.

Do you love the Red Sox? Yo, do you still talk to Coach or what? Wait, you're paying me how much? Yo, in the timeline of Cheers, did Sam Malone win a world series with the socks. Ah, sure. You know, I played that character to great acclaim for 11 seasons on its own show, Frasier.

What? Frazier, it was the character's name of Frazier Crane. It was called, what? You know, until I was 31 years old, I didn't know that John Ratsenberger wasn't our mailman. My mom told me on my 35. first birthday. It was crazy. I was like, no way. Dule, I'm dead to hide. So whatever. I mean, like,

it takes a while, but we, um, we meet up with the rest of the last of the Autobots because a bunch of them have all died in that card scene that you see like other robots that you should be seeing in this movie are now dead. And it's these three robots

that have been hiding in the desert. And it's, I guess, because he's a fan favorite bumblebees. still around. He's got to be, yeah. But then just these two other fucking things. One is John Goodman and one's Ken Watanabe. And there's three actually. And then the other guy's like, I don't know, like, oh yeah, this

English guy. Yeah, he's like, crosshairs. He's an autobot in a duster. He's like got a robot. Yes, it's like a cape coat. I think it's a robot wearing a cape coat. Wait, were none of these robots in previous? Aside from Bumblebee. Just Bumblebee.

By the way, Bumblebee's abandoned Sam Whitwiki I guess, right? They were like best buds. Right. But now this bumblebee, I mean, the thing is, Sam is gone,

obviously probably to get him out or something, but bumblebee has a fucking fetish, man. I was noticing this. He loves getting sexy teens inside of him. That's very true. Which is a big fetish for a lot of people. Get inside of me. Right?

I'm so excited. Because he's driving around the daughter. and then the boyfriend that shows up and then I think evaporates at a certain point. Oh, dude, this guy's nothing. I mean, I'm sure the actor's fine, but like, it's water vapor. He shows up and saves the family like he's an Irish race car driver.

Yeah, he's just signed with Red Bull. We learned at the beginning of the movie. It's a secret boyfriend situation. So it's one of these, like, when Titus Welliver is laying waste to Mark Wahlberg's house, which I cheered at. Oh, when that farm blows up, absolutely. Absolutely. I was like, yeah. Blow it up. I will say I do appreciate Michael Bay's commitment to blowing up actual houses. You know, you got you got to give it to him. It's not CGI. No. He will blow up a house. He actually was, it was actually a foreclosure house and he forced out the family that was living there at the time and then blew it out. Oh, it's really brave. Yeah. So that's why that's that. That's that scene. That's seen with the woman coming to try to show the realtor trying to show the house. That was inspired by true life events. Oh, wow. Well, that's crazy. Oh, and the commentary track, man.

The crazy thing I heard about that was in the deal of getting the house. Michael Bay demanded that that family that was getting kicked out leave all their earthly possessions inside. Exactly. And he blew up their entire life. Right, yeah. He kept on saying for realism. Yeah.

And back payment. He kept saying something like, this will get you square with the government. Right, yeah. It was wild shit. Man, that guy is one bad boy. So, yeah, this deal. dude rolls up and it's one of this like, who's this fucking guy?

And why is he calling your baby? Yeah. It's like, uh, because he's fucking her. Yeah. And there's like a drift scene where he's like, oh, she's got the best hands in the business. She and I do this like weird drift maneuver. Yeah, whatever. Yeah, the fucking Paris, Texas street racing scene.

Hi, I'm an Irishman in Paris, Texas. Yeah. For some reason. And this guy, it's unfortunate that this guy's wasted. He got lost on the way to real Paris. It's unfortunate that this guy's wasted in this movie because he is a good actor. You can see him playing the older brother in Sing Street,

which is a very underrated movie from last year. And this year, he's in Ben Wheatley's Free Fire. Okay. Doing another good job. So, like, he's a good actor. And it's just, this is a dog shit role for this guy. This movie is a steamroller of people that could be doing better things. Oh, totally.

See fucking Stanley Tucci in 52 minutes into this movie. Oh, no. Stanley Tucci. It's a tuch, man. He's like a Steve Jobs-esque figure, I guess. You better believe it. Yeah, he's in the transformer business. And again, like, I'm a little unclear.

We're all in the transformer business now, Steve. So after, like, he's working with Kelsey. And, like, the dynamic changes, like, six times in the movie. Like, sometimes Stanley Tochie is taking orders from Kelsey Grammer. Sometimes Kelsey Grammer is taking orders from Stanley Tucci, and back and forth we go. Right, yeah, because this script just doesn't know power dynamics of characters. Because the CIA is working with Stanley Tucci's company, because Stanley Tucci is going to engineer these transformers with what we're calling transformium. Transformium, by the way.

I almost shit on my couch. It's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Transformium. You couldn't call it anything else? You know, these guys, he would name it after himself or something. Yes, exactly. Like, whatever his name is, like, John Jacobs or something. It's like calling Dracula's blood, like draclanium or something.

Like, it's just as fucking stupid as that sounds. you get a little drachlanium in you, you become a vampire yourself. Exactly right, dude. I think, oh, actually, that should have been something in this movie. Vampires? Well, oh, shit.

Vampire Transformer. That's an idea. Put that in your back pocket. Or vampires fighting transformers. Oh, also cool. Because the fangs do nothing. My fangs do nothing. I mean, vampires are also kind of a transformer.

That's true. That's very true. It turned into a bat. Oh, my God. Oh, that's totally right. How did they not happen yet? How did this not happen? Well, these movies need to be stupider than they are.

And that's, that's the, like, we're in four. Let's get to fucking vampires. Anamorphs. Yes, anamorphs. One of those books is animorphs. Animorphs was pretty stupid. Because, like, we have the dinosaur, we have the dinosaur robots later, but we have to, like, try and put them into some bullshit.

No, no, no. Just fucking dinosaur robots. And, uh-oh, it's vampire robots. I don't go, fuck. Sure. Why not? I don't remember where I was going with that before. Before we start talking about vampire.

Oh, if a car acted like a vampire, that would be pretty cool. Just goes right for the gas tank. See the movie Ferrat Vampire Car, which is a... What? Hold on. It's called Fur Fart, Vampire Car. I think it's called Ferrat the Vampire Car. That sounds...

No one of the gas. This is a cartoon with... Is it called Nose Fiatu? Oh. I mean, it's... It's a racing car that is also a vampire. Well, you got me so far. That actually sucks the blood of human people from the gas pedal.

What? Oh, wait a second. Your gas pedal detail, now something's starting to ring a little familiar here. It's an 82 Czechoslovakian horror movie called Ferat Vampire. What? Yeah, I saw it at the spectacle theater a couple years ago. Oh, we used to play there in the early days of We Hate Movies. A great little spot in Williamsburg.

We'll see weird movies. Like Farot Vampire, which is a vampire car, which should have fought the Transformer. Yeah, that checks out. Oh, no, it's Farat, the Czechoslovakian vampire car. He's the Transformer's worst enemy. I think this movie's kind of about communism a little bit. Bumbo Bigg, help me out here.

That country's split. Is he Czech or Slovak? So Stanley Tucci is a... Oh, wait, hang on a second. If we're already getting to the Tuch, we got to mention the biggest mistake, the biggest wrong turn since this is a car movie that this movie makes man it's no joyride yeah no it's not oh that candy cane yeah that might be a stay tuned save it for the fucking

sputacular stevee you're ted levine how'd we make four of these wrong turn's a movie series too right wrong turn yeah it's like seven of those wrong turn yeah with eliza dishku that's like rednecks fucking people in the hills that's cool yeah oh oh no I was just gonna say so we have this like fucking Tokyo drift scene that happens. There's a bunch of bullshit. Optimus Prime is fighting with LoJack. What's his name? Lockdown. Sorry, Lockjaw.

Lockjaw. Oh, no. I got Lockjaw again. Boy, these are hard times. I suck the wrong tailpipe. It is a transformer STD. So they're having this big like chase scene to do and whatnot. And then so lockdown is like, hey, remember that thing from earlier in the

movie? When we dropped that bomb and it fucking decimated all those dinosaurs and turned it into metal guess what hey earth it's fuck time and he drops another one of these things and it goes flying and boy oh boy doesn't literally the best part of this movie t j miller gets swooped up in this shit and killed instantly he gets pompeed man big time there's like a gray skeleton and you're just like there's the best part of that movie turned into a fucking silver skeleton it should have been his movie he He buys Optimus Prime. He's, you know,

he was like a comedic relief. There kind of is none in this movie other than how bad it is. Yeah, but that's also like, all these movies have that, right? You got like Titoro in those three movies. Shia is funny. Shia is doing funny stuff.

And T.J. Miller, not for nothing. I think the guy's great. He makes this movie fucking tolerable. He's in this Transformers movie. You know he knows it's bullshit. shit and everybody's having a good time and they fucking murder him and it's like well there's nothing. And no one cares.

You know why? Michael Bay didn't think he was funny. Yep. Is that true? That's an IMAB thing. Michael Bay really? Michael Bay like T.J. Miller I guess has talked extensively about this like he's gone up to, he went up to T.J. Miller while they were filming is like, you're not fun like do it funnier. Like why?

You haven't said a funny thing all day. Everybody's looking at you. Nobody thinks that you're funny. You're wasting everybody's time on this set. Meanwhile, while the dude is just naturally hysterical and it's like it's oh god it makes your blood boil reading that bit of trivia on the Tribune because it's bullshit it's fucking bullshit

that's interesting because I mean again I agree it is the it's the most surprising thing that's happens in the movie because like when that stupid grenade goes off you can tell like it's the explosions that kind of go away from some like someone as they're running through it yeah the main characters are conveniently avoiding

They're right in the middle of, like, where it's breaking. Yeah, exactly. And so I'm like, all right, fine, this is dumb. And then, boom, all of a sudden he's incinerated. And it's like, that totally plays into that where it's like, no, I'm going to kill you off. Because also, that doesn't happen in these movies. Yes. Like, in these movies, it's always like, I fucking fell out of a building.

Right. Boy, oh, boy, are my arms tired. And you just see this dude get lit up. And not only does this dude get lit up, it's the best part of the thing. the movie getting lit up because the director had a problem with him. I want to see the original draft this fucking script. Yeah, he's probably there until the end. Yep. Oh, I bet you

anything he is. And it's fucking ridiculous because the only person who cares in the movie is a goddamn robot. Because Optimus Prime's like, I'm sorry about your fallen friend. And Mark Walberg's like, and they've been working with him and I don't know what out, going to high school in Paris

Texas 20 years apart. Best buds forever, man. They went skinny dipping with Sybil Shepard? No one gives a fucking flying shit that he's been murdered. Nothing. No one cares. Never comes up again. Nothing. And I'm sitting there like, man, they're gonna like could you take like a chisel to him

be like, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. And like he's still in there. That's how much I wanted this character to still be alive. Yo, he's gone, bro. He's just gone. I'm kind of scared, man. I think Michael Bay's gonna kill my character off. T.J. Miller just went. Oh man, I better say my lines. I got to learn my lines

good. Oh, maybe Cade Yeager can chip off some pieces and put it in a robot. Or alternate theory. Yo, Mike, can I talk to you for a second, bro? Listen, I think you did a great job cast in this movie, but I got to tell you, I don't like the fact that T.J. Miller thinks he's fucking funnier than me. Everybody knows

I'm the funniest fucking person on this set, bro. Yo, and I tried to go out with him three nights in a row, and the third night, he was like, yo, I'm busy. And I'm like, yo, bro, we're going out tonight. The dude didn't even put out, man. You know, and I heard him talking shit about eating out of Walburgers, bro. Which also, by the way, you guys hear this? You hear about this?

Wait, no, no, no. Is there news about Walburgers? You hear about this? Stop the show. Reep. Wallburgers news update. Wallburgers coming to the big apple. Oh, my God.

Hello. Yep. Big news. I thought it was already here. I don't think so. Look out Shake Shank. Yeah, totally. Wallburgers.

I think it's coming to the Upper East side. Oh, wow. We'll have to do a big trip. Yeah, I'm not going to a fucking shake shake. It's for Mets fans. Let's go socks, Walburgers. Everybody knows the socks all eat Walburgers before every fucking game, bro. Why is everyone pissing on my storefront?

Welcome to New York, piss. I wish. So he meets up with, yeah, John Goodman as a general bot. And Ken Watson, a hound, by the way. A robot cigar. Why is this robot's What is this? Can I just, we're all baffled by the robot cigar, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What is happening? Sometimes a robot cigar is just a robot cigar. Is it an e-cigarette? I guess it is, right? He's like smoking himself. And Ben Worcester, let me tell you, Ben Worcester. If I could smoke myself, I'd never leave the house.

But actually later in the movie Crosshairs, the British, you know, sexy one, He's got a little toothpick in his mouth He's got a little robot toothpick I didn't notice that I thought it was just trapped Jesus Steve Were you watching this on Blu-ray? Oh I got the best quality from Prime

And then we have Ken Watanabe As a samurai robot Whose name is Drift Who calls And it's like one thing Like you know We've already We've had the conversations

About why are their British ones Blah blah blah Why you know Putting all that aside why would he call Optimus Prime Sensei? Is that a is that a Cybertronian word or what are we talking about here?

I think he's just fucking with him. Oh, okay. It's just Ken Watanabe's Drift character. Drift, you know, he's just fucking with him. He's fucking with old optimist. He knows that Optimus gets off on power shit like that.

Like, oh yeah, he fucking called me Sensei. Boy, that gets my transformium boiling. Mm, yes. I truly am the last. night. Oh, yeah. You know. Oh, I hate it all.

My favorite part of this whole sequence is like, they're all like, I don't know, they're like, lone loners in the desert and like, you know, Optimus reigns them in and they talk about all the robots that died and John Goodman takes his helmet off out of respect. It's like taking your head off. What are you fucking beetlechews? Just stop it. It doesn't make any fucking sense. You're a robot.

That is part of you. Also disgusting, John Goodman's hound character definitely has a gross robot beard. Yes. What is that? I don't know. Because what's his face's character in, is it the second one? A rip fire or something?

Jet fire. Jet fire, like the old bastard Civil War era robot. Yeah. He's got a beard too. Why do robots have beards? Why are robots smoking? And the biggest question of all, because it applies to hound. It applies to that Scottish robot from the last.

movie who you see a fucking death tape of in this movie talk about found footage how are these robots obese and how is it that then they can say shit like fat robot and hound gets offended by it how does a robot know what fat is fat bot i don't understand yet like they don't have metabolisms they're cars and he's just walking and this robot gut is like Chris farleying back and forth it's so so, so, I turned into a van down by the river. Oh man,

he's living in himself. Wait, that's a great point. I feel like when they show the car versions of everyone, aren't they all like race cars other than Optimus Prime and there's one helicopter? You see John Goodman.

What is he? He's like an army truck thing. Oh, okay, okay. But that's not fat. I don't know. It's not fat. It's just like he's supposed, to be an army guy. I'm just making sure he wasn't a fucking race car because that would be bullshit.

He's not a sleek, sexy Italian race car. But we do get now, we have John Goodman voicing this character, but we also get to hear, oh, you know who John Goodman is? Well, let's play a clip of the Big Lebowski, everyone. Oh, and I am supposed to be laughing. Meanwhile, I just want to be watching the Big Labowski. Because Bumblebee talks in fucking audio clips, and it's just like, that. Jesus fucking Christ every fucking time. Don't they play the calmer than you are? Yes. Comber and you are, dude.

Wink. You didn't see, Ben, you were absent. You didn't see these other movies. They do the same fucking Leonard Nimor is in the last one we did, right? Was that three? Yeah, part three. I can't even remember with this fucking garbage. And they're

playing fucking Spock clips throughout the fucking movie. And Ben, someone, uh, who's not, or is it Leonard Nimoy? Oh, yeah, that's what it is. Leonard Nimoy gives the Spock delivery of the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, but he's the villain

of the film. Come on. So Spock's great famous line is fucking bastardized by his film. Perverted. Perverted. Preverted indeed, Ben Worcester. Sex crime. So we decide to go back to Chicago because there's

something left of it, and that's where Stanley Tucci's like, uh, operation is, and he's making transformers. He's accidentally resurrected Megatron as Galvatron. He's got another bumble-b-esque resurrection as something called the Stinger.

Yeah, so basically the idea is Stanley Tucci, the Tuch himself, has harnessed the Transformium. And it's Transformium that allows you to make anything into anything is what they say in this movie. And you better believe it's a thing where he's like,

he's holding this Transformium, and it's just like a bunch of bricks floating in his hand. And he's like, look at this. You can make anything. And his hands are right in front of the fucking camera. And it turns into a beats by Dreepil. Just right there. Product placement. Do you know what it turns into a

Glock? Product placement. That's what's amazing. He's like, oh, you don't like this deliciously affordable Bluetooth speaker? How about this? It's a handgun. Do you know what the number IMDB gives on product

placement in this movie? No, I don't. Oh, God, I bet it's astronomical. Let's do a little bit of prices right. Let's go around the one here. I'm going to guess 50 products. Okay. I'm going to guess 51. Okay. This number represents a running tally or the amount of products in this movie product placement. Yeah. What's the difference? Well, like, if, you know, if Beats by Dre shows up three times. Oh, oh, I see. It's exactly the number of product. I'm going to guess 36. 55.

Oh, come on. Drew Carey, did I win a kitchen set? No. I think Eric won it. You said 50, right? You said 51. I said 51.

So Price is right rules means anything above that. I thought you did 49. I'm sorry. No, I know. Fuck, fuck. Yeah, you're dead now. Fucking,

fuck, fuck you, Drew Carey. Why isn't he a robot? But you know what? Because we have two continents worth because we go to China and we start to, it's like everyone's like,

oh, look at this delicious Chinese water that I'm drinking. Dude, what a fun Chinese jukebox. Dude, at the KSI headquarters where Stanley Tucci runs this Transformian farm or whatever this fuck. They start making their own transformers, like human-made transformers

that are going to be run by humans, which is actually going to be run by Galvatron. Which kind of should be what the movie is. That's what the movie is because that's your fucking criticism of drone warfare and it's me again getting confused about the politics of this movie. But there's a fucking Oreo

transformer. Oh, wait. And there's an actual wiki page where you could read about the Oreo transformer. But dude, you were talking about this. You were texting about this before I got to that part of the movie

and I didn't see it. Dude, it's blinking you miss it. It's a fucking like a vending machine bot that turns into a transformer. Oh, stop. And he's just instantly shot and killed, but you could just see quickly. It's like a blue transformer made by the government.

And there is a fucking Oreo symbol, like, not simple, it says Oreo. Like the logo, the logo. Of course. It is on his shoulders. It is offensive. That's terrible. But also, the thing about the Chinese product placement is kind of genius because it's them realizing like, oh, fuck.

Like, these movies are massive in China. Sure. The Chinese box office is like out of control. How do we take advantage of that? Oh, that's why the whole second half of the movie is in China. Let's take it to Hong Kong and we'll plug all these juice boxes. See also Iron Man 3. Exactly.

Oh, yeah. Oh, you're totally right. I forgot about that. I wonder I didn't know, I didn't, was there an alternate cut of this as well? Because Iron Man 3 has an alternate cut with this more Chinese scenes. I don't. A Chinese subplot. Yeah, I didn't hear about that for this Transformers movie.

But who knows. I mean, it's just all, it's how you get that sweet, sweet cash. But that fucking Iron Man thing was actually. genius, though, because they had, like, I forget who the actor was, but it was like a major Chinese actress who had like this huge storyline that they just like

totally excised from all other releases. Yeah. Kind of weird and kind of like, we have no fucking artistic integrity whatsoever. That's how you get that sweet, sweet yuan. Oh, absolutely. You on running in, man. There you go. So Stanley Tucci,

I can't believe Stanley Tucci's in this movie. To be fair, he is pretty good in this movie. Like, he is. He's the best part of the movie. Like, he owns every scene. Easily. It's supposed to be like the Terturo.

Yeah, he's better than Tarturo was in the last one. Well, because I feel he has several scenes where he's like knowingly freaking out about being in this like movie. You know, he's like, in the context of the scene, he's supposed to be like, he can't believe what's going on around him. Like, how are we? Like, there's one scene where they're in like a, they take refuge. in a glass enclosure and he's incredulous about it but he feels like he's

drawing from like how am I in this movie how did I wind up in a Transformer? Keep thinking about that new bathroom, Tuch. Just keep thinking about that new bathroom. Do you think Stanley Tucci has paid off his Sunni purchase student loans? No, absolutely not. No, no, no, no, no. Because it's one thing

we know about going to Sunni purchase, you will be fucked for life with student loans. Good thing there's going to be a Transformers 14 or whatever The Tooch returns Transformers 5. Invent tuitionium. It can turn it

You can turn to anything you want Even a fucking zero dollar balance. Exactly. So fast forwarding a bit, there's a fight on a highway Between Galvatron and Optimus Prime. Yeah, big time. We get to see these Transformium bots in action

for the first time. And they kind of like just, as opposed to transformers who are like a little bit chunky in the transforming, these guys swirl around like bees? It looks pretty cool. I got to say.

It looks pretty cool. It was a breath of fresh air at the very least. I watched fucking nine hours of these movies are ready. So let me pump the brakes. Oh, please. Oh, shit.

And put it, you know, a Ben Worcester car puns, let's put it in park. As someone that's only seen one and four. Yo, bro, you park with her for a while? Oh, shit. You park with my daughter?

Emergency break, baby. Maxine. Okay. Pop. the truck, man. Let's take a look under the hood. Oh, shit. You're looking out of the hood of my daughter? She's 17. Eric, she's 17. You put your dipstick in that, bro? No, because she's 17 and even the camera didn't go up her ass. It got close. You check her oil, bro. Is she wet all the way to the top? It redlined. And was redlining. Um, no, okay. Awful. The, I felt that

the Transformium Bots, having only seen one and four, It felt like a kind of a T-1,000 cop-out a little bit where it's like, all right, this is a fourth fucking movie. How can we just make these stupid robots get to where they need to go as fast as fucking possible? A bunch of bees going around and then, like. Objection, Ben, it's a Transformers movie. Nothing happens as fast as possible.

True, though, what it may seem like ages ago, right? I did, prior to this, just to like kind of refresh my memory, I watched a trailer and then like a clip or two from the first one. That first Optimus Prime transformation scene is like five fucking minutes. He's like, yeah. Oh, wait, that is like me to move the wheel here. Oh, God, them all twisted up. Yeah, yeah.

But that makes sense. Charlie horse, Charlie horse, Charlie horse. It was pretty cool looking. Like, it's cool, but it's, you totally get why it's shortened, though, because the first movie, it's like, let's fucking show off. We can do all this cool animation stuff. And by the fourth movie, they know it's like, can you just get to it? Can you turn into a truck and drive away, please?

You would think the two hour and 45 minute running time would be inclusive of those long-ass transformation scenes. But no. So we wind up on lockdown spaceship for a very long period of time. So he abducts both Optimus Prime and. tessa the daughter shit dude alien abduction and you know what I was like

if the rest of this movie takes place in space a plus yeah we've been waiting for that we were talking about that last time they're aliens go to fucking space yep I don't want I've seen what what transformers do to buildings I really have gotten that so far

but have you seen what transformers can do to Chinese buildings you might be right it's just crazy enough work. No, go to space. Yes, let me, asteroids, something, you know. You can have, even a, even a space building would be fine. Space building, yes. So, uh, we're in office park. What I love, though, is that like this movie almost does it because lockdown like gets to space and he's like, wait a minute, what was that? Oh, oh, great. Now we have to turn around.

And the movie literally turns around and goes back to Earth. Well, because, uh, There's so much going on on lockdown's ship. We find out everyone infiltrates the thing. They rescue Optimus Prime, who we find out, by the way, as Ben alluded to, that dude's not just a robot. Yep. He's a knight. Yeah. Oh, shit.

A knight of what? I don't know. I don't know. There's just a bunch of fucking swords farting around in that spaceship, though. It's never explained. Did anyone else? I mean, I paid as much of attention as it could. The next movie is called The Last Night, and apparently he's hanging out with King Arthur.

I've been led to believe. portion of the film. Yeah. I mean, we'll find out in a couple weeks. All those stupid swords, too. It's like,

they show the shot of them, you think, okay, those are giant robot swords, whatever, and then all of a sudden, Mark Wahlberg, picks up one of the swords

and has it for the rest of the movie. Oh, you sure does? I'm not like this sword gun, bro. I pulled that sword gun from the stone. Adding, Transformers and Knights, number one,

don't go together. And if they did, it would be like a knight transforming into a tree. Or a night transformer to a horse. A dragon. Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. A lance.

Oh, there might be a dragon in the next movie. Wait, Optimus Prime would just turn into a lance. Sure. That then a knight, a regular night, would pick up and use an adjusting match. Man, to Steve's point, if there is a fucking dragon-shaped transformer in this next movie. I'm putting money on it. I will. All right.

Dude, imagine dragons. Oh, shit. Rock and roll. Rock and roll. We're going to see this new movie soon. I'm going to make a bet with another bet here. Okay. There is going to be a Nazi transformer.

A Nazi transformer. Because there is a fucking swastika in that trailer. So we're spanning time. I guarantee you there's a Hitler box. Oh, Gerhardt, the evil transforming Nazi? I'm a Volkswagen, but now I'm a big old Skyny Nazi. I'm under the Lutvah for supervision. Oh, yeah, look at this.

I'm the Furious BMW. oh no no it's a it's a Volkswagen bug and it's like don't you know the Fiora designed me designed all the Volkswagen bugs oh you don't want the beetle you want the bug hey can I make another bet about seeing this last night movie in the theaters sure please because by the way

they just clocked in a runtime I saw some people on Twitter telling me about this you hear about this I've heard conflicting things go ahead well I heard three hours and two minutes that's what I heard too, but then Michael Bay tweeted that that was fake news. Oh, is that right? Google fucked it up. He said it's much

shorter than the other ones, the last couple by far. Interesting. Which probably means two and a half hours. Yes, I agree. Well, all right, regardless of runtime, I bet you I drink no less than four beers at the Alamo draft house when I see that movie. That's about right. Of course. Have you a little Mexican hot chocolate?

That's where you want to. I'm going to pick up shit from El Chapo. Don't get drunk Eric you'll get lost in the plot so we're on this spaceship there's like an alien sexily licking this teenager's leg that takes a while this thing you find out lockdown as it turns

out is kind of like Benetio del Toro in uh... Sicario no no is he in the first Guardians movie? The collector because this guy's been driving around picking up all these space gleep-glops and putting them in this spaceship.

How are the ducks on there? I think Howard the duck is on there. Because you have things in that in that fucking spaceship that are not robot looking. There's organic entities in there. There are. I have no idea what was happening. So today I look at Wikipedia and I read that he's a bounty hunter. No, what?

That thing that's trying to. Lockdown. Oh, lockdown. Oh, lockdown's a bounty hunter, you say. Yeah, that's why he's got shit in there like the dynobots. Is he a Decepticon though, technically speaking? Yeah, I think he used to be and when he quit or something.

Oh, shit, Decepticon splinter cells. Yeah. Now he's just a consultant. I get it. Lockdown, he has a prison shit. Oh, shit. And he's from a prison planet, maybe. Imagine my... At prison planet.

Imagine my shock. Sam Witwiki, you can't even go to Sweden. I'm going to bomb that fucking Shuddin's house right now. If only. So we break free And it's the dumbest thing in the world We jettison a third of lockdown's ship Yep

And then like Optimus Prime's like Yeah he'll be halfway to space Before he notices I'm like wouldn't he be like Oh wait we're moving a lot faster Or there's some like indicator that goes up Beep and aunt and a third of the ship Just detached

Yeah I know Like Riker couldn't just detach the saucer section Under Picard's nose something would tell him If your fucking hood is slightly a jar There's a little light on your crappy car That's his fucking gas cap isn't screwed on all the way Bro you didn't

My daughter's hood's in a jar Wait Wait you've been unscrewed her gas cap There's a very long prolonged scene When we're like descending down cables And then there are robot dogs Yeah where bumblebee murders these dogs I thought these were like

Werewolf Transformers I don't know, man. They struck me as hyena-like. They can fight the vampire. One is voiced by Whoopi Goldberg. I know that. The other one's Jeremy Irons. Oh, that was, no, that was Scar.

Who did the other voice there? Was that Fisher Stevens too? Cheech Marin? Oh, Cheech Marin, of course. And like some other guy. A non-Frank Welker type. Are you serious? Cheech Marin did a voice in this?

No, and Lion King. Oh. Whoopin was in the Chich Marin where the hyena is. It was in the deleted Mexico scene. Oh, my God. I still have not seen the Lion King. Is that right? What?

Wow, that's crazy. Yeah, dodge that point. Hey, you know what, Eric, if you watched it tomorrow, bitter late than never. Cheech Marin, Ghostbusters, too. Yeah, that's the Titanic. Yeah, talk about deleted scenes. No, that's when I watched the Titanic. No, I saw the Titanic in theaters.

So did I? I think it was called Titanic. So were you just watching Cruising instead of the Lion King? Is that how your childhood was? Pretty much. Okay. Keep the streak going, man. I don't see a reason to dip into it now.

I think it's too late. Yeah, you're kind of like a soul as fucking that way. Yeah, it's fine. It's too late for me, but it's not too late for you. I'm just saying the shining new era is tiptoeing near. Wow. Yeah. It's kind of like King Lear.

Well, they are doing their, well, you can watch the remake, bro. That'll be great. Oh, this live action shit. Wait, what? How is it live action? There's no people in that story. That's a great question. So you're just filming landscapes with a bunch of CG?

animals? What the fuck is? Like, lines and dogs talking to each other? Yeah. It's what the fuck is. Is it Brett Ratner? I don't know who is doing it. Or is it, oh, what's his face? David Berkowitz. I guess David Berkowitz is directing the live action lion king out of him.

Who else he's talking animals? No, what's his name? The man's got a vision. Oh, uh, that he directs an axe and he's sometimes fat. Oh, John Favra. Yeah, John Favre. We should be on pyramid together Bullseye that

I thought it was him maybe He did the jungle book Yeah so that's why I thought I didn't see the new jungle book Neither did I but I've heard good things I saw the original jungle I saw a lot of Tailspin

You didn't see jungle book Spinning let's begin it Bear and grin it when you're in it You can win it in a minute When you spin to spin it That's awesome That's a disturbing No, yeah, the Disney animated movie?

I've seen that. Okay, all right. Wow, but let's go back for a second. Acknowledge the amazing job Ben Wister just did singing the tailspin. Yeah, it's pretty creepy. Thank you. It's directed by John Fabro. Oh, there you go.

Foggy Nelson himself. Who is playing every role? Okay, I will tell you right now. Donald Glover is Simba. Seth Rogan is Pumba. James Joel Jones is reprising his role. is Mufasa. That's the move. That's the fucking move, Favreau. And Billy Eichner is Timon. Wow. I like that. Yeah, sure. So fingers crossed for a live action tailspin. I'm wallowing. I know I'm hiring

to score it, Ben Worcester. If I saw a fucking CGI bear fly in a plane, I'd shit my pants. Just putting it out there. Whatever, man. We go back to Earth. We have to go to it. So the whole thing, which is kind of a hilarious McGuffin to have. And by the way, ask anyone who's ever seen a movie to tell you what a McGuffin is. The MacGuffin is a thing

that people like to use. I know. I'm a real film buff. Oh, I love watching movies. You want to know what a MacGuffin is? Bend over and I'll show you. The character entailspin. It's me, MacGuffin, a goat.

I fly a plane. Only made it into two. two episodes. A bad favorite. I thought you were supposed to be the microfilm. Is the seed? Oh, yeah.

Get my seed out of him. Hey, God damn you, Lockhart. Or whatever his name is. Lockheed Martin. And like Stanley Tucci is like, give me the seed. I need the seed.

I need that robot seed inside of me. Kelsey Graham's like, oh, you want the seed, huh? You got to want the seed? I spent my time posing as a UN ambassador. Looking for a seed. If Kelsey Grammar fucking fell off a stage in this movie,

how great of that? Oh, dear Lord. Oh, uh, tossed salad and scrambled kneecap. Is the seed not in the other? No, this is brand new. New shit.

And that's the device that like started the dinosaur thing and like, or ended the day. I should say. Yeah, so we're going to do that. And basically, it has the, it's like a nuke, basically, that's going to go off in Hong Kong. So then they fight for like four hours in the movie ends. We'll do another.

It's a fair world pretending I was a U.N. interpreter. It's always funny. People are coming to his aid. The second hit on Kelsey Graber. You write Kelsey Grammer on YouTube and his Kelsey Grammer falls on stage. How is it not the first hit? What is the first hit? I just says Kelsey Grammer, so I guess it's like a tribute video with some

It's him and Niles. I would do that for you. Even the line leading up to it is a UN translator. Like the hottest thing. Posing as a UN interpreter. Oh, yeah. By the way, send in your Fraser slash fiction. Oh, please.

We'll read that. We all hate movies at Gmail. So we go to China because, and we realize, and there's a big thing about, you know, we're trying to save the world. And like the Autobots don't really want to save the world because the Autobots have been fucked over by the world. Even the autobots are like, fuck these movies, man.

They're like, could we just leave? Yeah, we just want to go home. Can you just blow one of us up like T.J. Miller? He's kind of coming out on the plus side here. I just want to let this seed go off in Hong Kong and kill us all. So there's a bunch of stuff happening. Duble indemnify. Mark Wahlberg fights Titus Welver.

Titus Welliver, who is a CIA black hat. kills he's probably killed 150 people at this point in his career this month alone and like he's having trouble putting down a fucking inventor a texan inventor this my ass this is what i hate about these movies is like we cannot just have robots fighting we have to stop this transformers movie so we can have this fucking born ultimatum fight scene yes in this hong kong apartment building like yeah which is fine i kind of prefer when humans are talking to each other than when these robots are but but like there are there are movies for human talking wait what i haven't seen those either like you could go and watch the born ultimatum sure you know what i mean but instead like i'm

paying a ticket i'm renting this on amazon whatever because i want to watch fucking john goodman smoke a fucking part of himself oh man that was his dick anyway so this so so so mark walberg invents like the concept of a window and tosses Bosch out of the window. He throws a football at him. Oh, right. Call back. You're right. You're right. Dude, thank God this like Chinese hacker

in this apartment just had an old pigskin sitting around man. Whatever. And like Bosch Bosch would catch that in his fucking hand to crush it. He would catch him in the head on his knife. Where's his knife? Yes, exactly. Why doesn't he stab him within two seconds of this fight? He has a knife

out like in this fight scene he pulls this huge fucking Paul Hogan knife out and I was like here it comes and then you see and it's such shit it's like a bad rack focus of Mark Wahlberg like noticing the football oh boy is that

dumb is that is that fully deflated or what that would be great actually Brady was double indemnified doubleumdum to be it's like Adam Sandler He just, he looks at this thing and he just goes, Hey, Bosch, clear eyes, full hearts can't lose, bro, Texas forever!

I was crestfallen. Oh, man. I was really, I got my hopes up. I thought he might. Say clear eyes, full hearts can't lose. Or Texas Forever or both? I wanted him to die. Oh, Mark Wahlberg?

I kept yelling throughout this movie, kill him. Like, whenever he sort of was in. danger. I was yelling at the movie to kill him. What you want, though, because the way it's executed is like he throws this perfect spiral, it hits Bosch in the chest, and then Mark Wahlberg, like, rushes him and

pushes him out the window. Yes, that's right. What you want is that perfect spiral hits Bosch, like, in the throat. Oh, windpipe destroyed. And he's like, and as he's, like, grabbing his throat, he backs up and falls out the window himself. You want that football to do all the work. That's true. So it's not really

the perfect spiral. And then, like, he looks up, Touchdown, bro. You see, guys, that would require a modicum of thought to be put into this, which, I mean, we are absent that. Oh, how many pictures ago? Like, I did like the show. How many hours ago? What? What?

This franchise? Of anyone putting thought into this franchise? Eight and a half, eight and a half at least. I did like the shot of Bosch falling to his death going, wah! His little arms and legs going, ma'am! What's awesome is that right after that. because it's like Kelsey Gramer watches this dude like eat pavement

and he just has this like oh fucking fine and he like cocks a gun or something I'll do it myself sorry Kelsey too many men on the field bro we need some action movies singers

yes yes yes yo grandma check look out bro also we can just talk about Kelsey Grammer's death which is indeed the best part of this movie yeah I mean there's a lot of stuff Before that, we've got to lead up for the dynobots.

Oh, the dynobots, of course. Hold on, guys, I'd hate to interrupt you. You got to take a shit? No, no, no. I feel it's worth it. Go ahead. Intentional grounding, bro. Oh, yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. That's the one. You're worth it. No, you're good. Thank you. I apologize.

No, so we go. He's like, oh, how am I going to beat all of these other robots, which I've defeated like in every movie. easily. I need dynobots. What? Everman. They just so happen to be on Lockjaw. Locked up. Now you got me saying it. Lockdowns. Like pig pen that he's got.

Yeah. And they're like, oh. And like the dynobots don't want to cooperate and can't speak. And he like fights one for a while. The dynobots are on the spaceship? Yes. I thought the donobots were hanging out in that cave. No, the donobots are hanging out with David Silver at the peach pit and they're taking extra time in class. Oh, did it sound like I said Donobot? drunk The Donobots

Man that's a fucking Buffy episode Sorry No I thought those Because remember they go to that Like valley And there's that waterfall I thought that the dynobots

Were like hanging In that cave There but I guess when he's talking about Like now lockdown Won't enslave you anymore I guess it makes more sense That they're on that spaceship And he's like

And I guess they were both Knights together at some point It's like From a knight to a knight What night? One of the dinosaurs? I think the big one was a die. Put a knife in my skull.

And he's like, basically has to convince this guy. He's like, can I ride you now? Is it, dude? Yo, is it cool if I, if me and my buddies ride you and your buddies? You fucking totally watch Optimus Prime break these dinosaurs, man. He tames these fuckers. He's slapping the ass of a dinosaur with a sword. And I'm like, dude, isn't that your friend?

No, dude. Now it's his fucking war. slaves. It would be great if the dinosaur pulls the flintstones looks at the camera and it's all living. And then the sword starts talking and he's like, I know isn't it? And everything

Oh, that would be great. Oh, whatever. So yeah, he enlists the dynobots and you know talk about convenient. There's exactly one dynobot for every living Autobot that's left on this team. Who would it guess?

What are the odds? They all stay But, like, why do they need vehicles? They are vehicles. It's like a horse driving a car. It didn't make any sense. One of the dinosaurs was smoking a cigar. Come on. It's so fucking stupid.

Well, I guess actually, there's not a dynobot for every transformer, though, because John Goodman's character is, like, back in downtown Hong Kong. Oh, yeah, he's holding them off, defending everybody. And he runs out of ammo. Yeah, that's how does he run out of ammo? Isn't he his own ammunition? Why aren't there lasers? Just shoot yourself.

Oh, yeah. I know. I mean, you know, as ammo. Oh, yeah. Take pieces. Take that beard off. It's metal. Shoot that.

Maybe the beard was ammo. Oh. Where does he get the ammo? Does he have to go to a store to buy it? Is he making them? Like, where will pull it? The fact that these things have guns with ammo in the first place is so dumb. It makes no sense.

Also, though, what we learn from at least the first and second movie, that idea of, idea of like when the AllSpark was hitting like blenders and toasters and shit and they were turning into Little Evil Grambling looking Decepticons and they all just instantly had guns with bullets. Don't get me started on the AllSpark because it doesn't make any fucking sense in this world where aliens are creating Transformers to begin with. Yeah. So the AllSpark makes no sense. And in this movie he's like great lines about like Optimus Prime talking about like oh the spark is sort of

what we would refer to as a soul. No no no no. You have no. That's a great part in that movie though. No, no, no. It's back at the barn before that thing's blown to Smithlerines. And he's like, oh, bro, this, this fucking bullet almost, it almost nicked your heart, bro. And he's like, we call that a spark. It's what makes us us. It what makes us live. And then fucking Mark Wahlberg goes, oh yeah? Oh, we call that a soul, bro. And then I threw up all over my dog. Yo, are you Catholic? I'm Catholic. The first Texan Catholic.

Yeah, really? Optimus has a line when he's fighting Galactobot. What's his name? Galvatron. Where he's like, there will be no divorce. He has like a, you have no soul line when they're like duking it out. Oh, yeah. Because he's like made.

He's a lab because you're a test tube baby. Oh, shit. This movie's really saying so. Tony Stark built that Galvatron in a cave from scraps. Oh, man. It's more of these impenetrable politics of Transformers force. age of extinction. And then, so we finally wind up and it's, um, there's a whole, a lot of to-do where like

Mark Wahlberg's like, yo, I'm going to get in the middle of this enormous robot fight, bro. I don't know why. I got this stupid halo gun. I'm going to use it. Look at this alien gun, bro. It's fucking sick. So it's, it's an optimist versus lockdown finally. Lockdown, by the way, whose whole face can turn into a gun.

Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. your face not a gun right his whole head turns into a gun which reminded me of a little known star wars bounty on her from the e.U called der harhan i think oh boy and his here we go this is a dude who had his like head destroyed and got his brain like installed into his chest and then he just

put a big fucking gun on a gun where his neck is that's pretty cool yeah and the man making the most of it i'm reading this one like 14 or 15 or something like that i'm like man i wish my head was a gun that's all I kept on thinking about when I saw this what's kind of awesome is when lockdown does this and like he turns like his face turns into a big long gun he looks like them little like spy versus spy cartoons oh yeah that's what I was thinking of Beetlejuice

Alec Baldwin and Bealjews oh yeah oh totally man speaking of Beetlejuice I wish I was watching beetle juice not this movie so it's a big fucking dumb fight Kelsey Grammer comes out He's like, oh, where's my seed? And he gets shot in the heart. Oh, my God. Oh, it's awesome.

Okay, my favorite part of the movie was when Optimus Prime blows away Kelsey Grammar. Dude, he blows a hole right in this human being. That was pretty awesome. I loved it. I rewound it. I don't rewind anything. Dude, I looked it up on YouTube today at work. I watched like three times in a row.

It's great because he's just like, you're not going to. going to tell me what the fucking do, Mark Wahlberg. I'm going to blow your damn head off. I got it right here. Here it comes. So this is live audio from, it's Kelsey Grammors. We got this right from the film. It's Kelsey Grammer's death scene and Transformers colon age of extinction. Let's have a listen.

I was a UN interpreter. Whoa. that that optimist is merciless dude it's it's so brutal like and that's like the second most shocking part of the movie because like the first shocking part is dj miller's death like that's fucking horrible but optimist prime the hero like at a certain point he's like i'm gonna fucking kill humans now and like he's tired of it this is the fourth fucking time and he's tired of it well it's also the humans are now working with the decepticons that's right All that shit, man.

So he's dead. And then amazingly, too, like Optimus Prime gets that sword out, dude. And, like, because he's, again, he's locked down's about to kill Mark Wahlberg, I think, is the idea. And he fucking puts this sword through this robot's back. It goes right through his chest. And then he goes in and up and cuts this dude's fucking head in half

from, like, the chest up. it's amazing. It's the coolest thing you'll ever see in this movie. Yeah, it's brutal. I think it's the most violent Transformers movie. Probably. I mean, Ben, you've only seen the one, the two.

I don't remember a face getting cut in half in the first one. I definitely do not. I think it was the audiences. And he kills him, and that's fun. And then credits, right? Well, no, he's like, I'm going to go to space now, you guys.

No, there's two more hours. I know. I know there is. I'm not talking about it, though. No, he goes to space, but it's going to take him forever because he's just got these little jet boots. It's so dumb. Fuck this.

That's my review. Also, like, the daughter and the Irish guy, like, kiss for no reason. Because, like, I guess we got to wrap up that romance, even though neither of them are in this next movie, even though Mark Wahlberg is. I don't know in what capacity the idiot is. Oh, they went away and got married and something boring. It just happened.

Yeah, they got a bunch of kids now. They can't play with no transformer. games anymore, bro. But I'm here, Optimus. Oh, God. Grandpa, Walberg. Also, what's awesome is... He's a grandpa, but he still goes out, right? Oh, yeah. Go in those K. Diego bombs.

Dude, there's a fucking dumb-ass Optimus Prime Line at the end of this movie, though. So, like, Mark Wahlberg's character, Kade Yeager. I don't know if you guys know this. His name is Kade Yeager. He's basically crying because his robot friend is saying he's going to go to space, and he's like, yo, bro,

we have a see again or what? And he's like he just goes this this robot goes you know every time you look up at the stars just pretend one of them is me and you're just like shut up oh bro i don't know if you know this but i'm like 48 years old so like that's like et baby shit but think of a star as my soul k dager you've restored my faith in humanity and then so he's also like because like every movie ben this one is the exception because it doesn't start with an Optimus Prime monologue

but they all end with them and this one he's, it's all him like sending like G-chat invitations to other transformers basically. Like the first three movies are basically like if any Autobots can hear me we're on earth and everything's cool

come hang out but this one he's like this message this next message goes out to our creator I'm coming for you mother fuck and that's like the end of the movie I will kill God. Yeah.

It's like this big mystery about like the creator of the Transformers. G. D.0.0.D. Is that Unicron? Is that who, is that? You know what? I'm trying to think back to the animated movie. That's, wasn't there the big planet that Orson Welles voiced in the cartoon?

I never saw it, but I know that Unicron's a big deal. And I don't know if he's in this next one. He might, he may well might be. I don't know. I don't know. Wow. I don't know. All I know is this movie was pushing three hours, and would anybody recommend it?

No. I will say points to this movie. One, I knew who all the Autobots were. It was a discernible crew. Like, I knew what Crosshairs was going to do. I knew what John Goodman was up to, et cetera, et cetera. Yeah. So that's something.

John Goodman definitely says that one of these aliens looks like shizzle. Yeah. So that's fun. Was that in the middle of him firing off his big gaddling gun that sounded like farts? Uh, the end Ah, oh God. Time to throw me that grenade. Wait, this was, this was just noises John Goodman was making you in the sound booth.

And they're like, we'll keep that in. We'll make that, make it like a gun sound calmer than you. Yeah, I mean, no, Ben, would you? No, I mean, good God. Why did you guys do this to me? You know what, man, you, you're only, You've only wasted two and a half hour, two hours of 45 minutes. I was, I mean, I have expected to come in here and not see anyone.

Like you guys just wouldn't be here. You did, fuck it. We canceled the show. Oh, sorry, we didn't text you. We canceled the show. Can't take it anymore. All the product placement that was in this movie, we didn't cover it, but there was one moment. Somewhere when they're in, shit's going down in China, and something gets blown up,

and there's this, all of these bud light bottles. Oh, right. Yeah. Oh, the bud light. And there's this one scene where it's just like, it's like a flaming bud light bottle.

And I feel like to me, I kind of underlines that's, that encapsulates. This movie is a flaming bottle of bud light. Like, so that's a no. That's a no. That's a no. Yeah, I hated this.

I think it's, I think it's better than two. I think it's better than two. Yeah. So obviously I'm not recommended. If this movie, honestly, if this movie was two hours, I think you have something here because it's the most violent. It has like betterish human characters minus the Marky Mark.

Yeah, Tucci was fine. The Tuch is totally fine. Honestly, like Kelsey Grammer is totally good in this movie. And T.J. Miller, he was murdered because the director had beef with him. Like, he's fucking funny in this movie. Some of those Chinese action sequences are actually really good. Like, they are. And the motorcycle's really cool.

But all that stuff, I was like, man, a Hong Kong motorcycle chase, huh? I'd rather be watching any Hong Kong action movie right now because most of them have cool motorcycle chases in them. I would not recommend this. I also think you cannot use this movie as a hangover movie. No. Because I feel that this would exacerbate the hangover. Well, the noises. My God, the noises.

All the machine gun farting alone, man. The movie makes you feel like Optimus Prime when he first wakes up in the movie. I'll kill you. I was ready to kill someone. That's something you want on a poster, man. Transformers Age of Extinction, I was ready to kill someone. That's Transformers, Age of Extinction, directed by Michael Bay. If you want more We Hate Movies, check out WHMpodcast.com or find us over at the Headgum.

network page rate and review the show wherever you get it we would greatly appreciate it and of course we want to thank our good buddy ben wister for coming in the studio pal thanks for hanging out absolutely this was simultaneously a blast and just the hardest thing i've had to do ever i think that's the subtitle we could put under we hey movies uh we hey movies colon simultaneously a blast and the hardest thing we've ever had to do entirely the movie entirely the movie uh ben if people want to find your dulcet tones elsewhere on the internet. Where can they go? Well, my goodness, there is the

the T.J. Hooker podcast that I do with my good buddy, Eric Siska. Oh, right? Wait. What? Wait, I mean, am I being punked right now? No, no. Now, come on. We do a podcast together that we're just recapping the TV show, T.J. Hooker, episode by episode

for no reason other than we wanted to watch it. It's, I think you guys, first of all, the show is called Hooked on T.J. Hooker. Right. I'll say the name of the Hooked on T.J. Hooker. Featuring guest star Andrew Jupin. I've been on a couple times. More than fun.

I like watching T.J. Hooker. A couple of times. That's pretty cool. Steve is, if Steve's episode's not out already, it's coming, and we're going to have Chris on. News to me. It's T.J. Hooker Podcast.com. You can find us on Twitter at T.J. Hooker Podcast or Facebook. Facebook.com slash T.

j hooker podcast and i'll tell you what you have the best tagline that you don't use every episode and i think you have to hooked on t j hooker the tv recap show no one asked for which i think is funny it's and it's a great show and it's hilarious and i love t j hooker there's tons of audio clips and stuff so you can follow along just by listening there you go clipa that's hooked on tj hooker uh like us on facebook follow us on twitter we are at w hm podcast And of course, right into that mailbag, we all hate movies at gmail.com. Now, next week, we're taking a little break from the Transformers athon. And the cool thing is a little inside baseball.

We're recording this on like June 1st, actually, where we are right now. So in order to keep the thing going, we're going to be doing, we're taking a blissful four-week break from watching Transformers. We got to, like, clear our heads. Like, we got to get ourselves together. us human beings will have a full month between watching these movies and I'm fucking thrilled about it Oh absolutely

But next week with the wheeze is on the show The wheeze fucking finally Welcome to the show Polly Shore We had to do it one way or another I'm kind of sad that his debut was not son-in-law But that's okay we can fix that at a later date Next week and Cino Man Fucking Sean Aston builds his own pool

It's the saddest thing you'll ever see in cinema comedy Also we're we're wheeze in the juice In a fucking convenience store We're microwaving burritos. Brendan Fraser doesn't know what TV is again. It's all sorts of awesome, all sorts of awesome shit in Encino, man. I'm excited to rewatch this. I have not seen this probably in like five or six years.

And I think it's one half as long as this movie is. So I'm excited about that too. Oh, I'll watch it twice. It's a superior fit ill. Oh, bravo. Big time, buddy. So until next week, when we're wheeze in the juice, I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadek.

Eric Siska. Ben Worcester. Take it easy.