We Hate Movies - S7 Ep310: Episode 310 - Transformers: The Last Knight

Episode Date: July 11, 2017

On this week's episode, the gang concludes the Summer Blockbuster Extravaganza's Transformers-a-thon by tackling the recently released sequel, Transformers: The Last Knight! How on earth are there baby dinosaur robots? Why bother including Turturro so briefly in Cuba? And are we serious with this Tucci-as-Merlin business?!? PLUS: So the Transformers assisted in the Underground Railroad, huh? PLUS PLUS: Wait, seriously, what was with Merlin? Transformers: The Last Knight stars Mark Wahlberg, Anthony Hopkins, Josh Duhamel, Laura Haddock, Santiago Cabrera, Isabela Moner, Jerrod Carmichael, Stanley Tucci, John Turturro, Peter Cullen, the legendary Frank Welker, Erik Aadahl, John Goodman, Ken Watanabe, Jim Carter, Steve Buscemi, and Omar Sy; directed by Michael Bay.  Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

guys we finally got to it oh the top of the mountain the top of the heat man we are at the end of the road it's it's here it's here we're talking transformers colon the last night i'm andrewing stephen say that cabotron eric cisca and we hate movies Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in, as always. Like I said, up top, man, we're done with it. Here we are. It's finally, we had to take...

It's done. It's done. All right, so stop the podcast. It's over. That's it. Hounding on the walls of heartache, bang, bang, we are the warriors for fucking finishing this movie. There we go. Wow, nice one.

That's pretty great. Transformers, Colan the last night from 2017 directed by Michael Bay, potentially for the last time at Transformers. He's been saying that for movies on end. Oh, I know. I'll believe what I fucking see it, Michael Bay. I did want to point out that, though I was not on the last two, we had Ben and Sean, they did great.

I have watched them all right. To be up to date. Recently? Yeah, yes. You better fucking watch that shit. I did. I wanted to feel your pain, Eric, and your anger. So I did it, and they're horrible.

They're really just fucking horrible. There are the worst movies. I really... So we can go around the horn. We all saw this in theater separately. What was everybody's kind of experience like there? Oh, so I can start. I was at the Lincoln Square Theater,

which is in the Upper West Side of Manhattan, and I was in the IMAX because I'm a real idiot. And it was like an afternoonish show. And the thing about this, iMacs is it's like a legit iMacs it's not like one of those like we're showing iMacs and it's like a slightly bigger screen like it's so gigantic it's the only one i think outside of the the science museum that has like a legit iMac screen in it uh in the city so you know everyone's like you know what if i have to sit through this let's see a big baby yeah sure yeah i mean we're talking like

slightly just under 30 dollars to see this movie what are you going to do and did that big screen help with the clarity at all nope uh and also the 3d was used list, but here we are. I had my little tall glass of water pen with me doing that. Doing some doodles. And doing some doodles, man. And yeah, you know,

it's me kind of in the back of a gigantic IMAX theater. It's me and like six ish other people in a massive IMAX theater. And I'm in the back row and with my little tall glass of water pen and the way I was reacting to this movie, you guys

remember De Niro and Cape Fear It was kind of that Just I wasn't like smoking a cigar And I wasn't in front of anyone But it was just me like laughing loudly Being a jerk There was like some tourist family

A couple of tourist families floating around It was a real scene It was a real lonely scene I got into it with the attendant At the concession stand But you always get into it the attendance Well no because listen I go listen I want a medium soda

And this woman grabs this massive cup And I was like, no, I think it's the next size down. And she's like, oh, well, this is the large. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I want the medium. And she goes, oh, okay. Well, normally when people say medium, they mean this cup. What?

And I go, when I said medium, I meant that cup. So then she takes the cup that I pointed to and she goes, oh, you mean the small? And I was like, is this a small or is it a fucking medium? Are you sure this is in a Dennis Leary event? Dude, this happened to me. Okay, it's a real thing. You're pacing with your vape pen In a leather jacket

I love fucking vaping Is this a fucking medium Or is this a small So then she starts going into something else And I was like you know what Please just that cup And those nachos I'm missing the movie

Well she was like nachos This guy wants the big cup Because she's trying to nag me On that fucking combo And I'm like I don't This movie is two and a half hours long Coupled with previews I'm pushing a three hour commitment

I don't eat a large fucking soda Yeah I might miss optimist nemesis or whatever the fuck. Oh man, I was so excited to go to the bathroom doing this movie. Eric, where were you? Oh, well, I only saw this just for the air conditioning.

Oh, yeah, that's the official story. I've heard people do that for these movies. Eric's press agent has put out a release. And he just wanted the air conditioning. He didn't have to do it for this shit. Officially on the record, legally, that's why I was there. But, no, I was just at a small theater in upstate New York.

and there was not too much to tell about this experience. There was, you know, a woman there with two small children. And then there were two dudes. And one of them got up and left during the movie and never came back. Oh, nice. A fucking walk house. That's it. That's the only people that saw the movie with me.

And it's over. I was in the middle of Burlington, Vermont. There was one other person in the screen. She was all. Oh, I thought I thought it was Bernie Sanders. That's what I thought. No, it's not Bernie Sanders. This movie's ridiculous.

These fucking robots. How much did it cost? Excuse me. There's no reason why these robots over here are making the majority of the Transformers' wealth. Optimus Prime is one robot. He should get less screen time than everybody else. Everybody should have the same time. Why should I not see enough bumblebee in my movie?

Bumblebee is a hero of the people. The people. The people. Well, here's the thing is like if they just didn't make this movie, we could have single pair of health care. They just take that money. They just take that money putting the health care. I will say there was a woman in the front row who just like sat down and like every

time, you know when you don't even say like what the fuck you just like flick your wrist like this? There was a lot of that going on. Who is she writing for? I don't know. Steve Zadak, what about you? I mean, not much to tell, but I was, uh, I actually, it was a, uh, you saw it in one of them there, Times Square bed bug theaters.

I did. the top floor with all the bedbugs and little top hats on. Hey, Steve, what are you thinking about this movie? Better late than never. Me and all the other bedbugs love Transformer movies. I think it bites. Hello, my baby. Hello, my honey.

Hello, my back time gal. Hey, can you, I'm a bedbug. Could you do me a favor and traded these tokens from Daven Busters for me? They won't serve me there, but I got all these tokens. Oh, they'll serve you there. Oh, so Dave and Buster's reference, you were at the Empire 25. That's true. Yeah, I was at that top of the fucking rock watching this movie, man.

You get up there with those escalators. I think there's like seven floors to them. It's so many. So it was at the top one, and it was... Was anyone else I maxing? Sorry? No, I did not. I also did standard death.

Not 480P. I mean, not 3D. Yeah, it was, yes, 2D as well. I did 2D, and it was when I bought my ticket, it was one of those things where I was like, only three people that, like, checked in. I was like, nice. But then I kind of feel, it's like 20 people at the end of it. So I wound up moving because I didn't want to be that guy

because I knew I was going to be laughing. I knew I was going to be on my phone writing notes. So went all the way in the back. And I had to hold my mouth from laughing a couple of times. Because I knew I was just going to be laughing at the movie. It's a movie you can laugh at. So this movie starts where you want to start, which is the Dark Ages. And it says the Dark Ages.

See, I'm laughing. already. Man, oh man, the fucking dark ages. Can we just put a bullet in my head? Has there ever been a franchise? Like, you know, there was five Rocky movies, but Rocky was always Rocky, and the story of Rocky continued. What about that one

where he went back to the start of time? Oh, I remember that. Rocky Balboa. Yeah, he punched, like, the first Adam and it created the universe. It was the Big Bang. Oh, Rocky, colon, the Big Bang. Man, that Rocky Balboa, with its cheap video that it was shot on, that shit doesn't hold

Milo Ventimiglio. I mean, that's... Dude, you better watch who you say that to you, though. I love him now. That show sucks so bad. You watched every episode, right? No, I watched it the first four and then I... Then people started liking it.

First four seasons? No, episodes. It's only been on for one season, idiot. What the fuck do I know? The pitchforks. I'm only watching it for air conditioning. No, I'm kidding. That's why I watched Hell on Wheels.

But has there ever been a franchise that never had a consistent story movie to movie like reinvents exactly what you know about those characters every single time yeah that's a good call the first one it's like um the first one it's megatron comes down in 1918 and then like in the 2000s all the rest of the the transformers first arrive on earth after a long time right then in the second one we've been on earth since like the dawn of time is that second one where we're starting with dinosaurs no we're starting we're starting like the dawn of man kind of 2001 kind of stuff. Oh, they're all looking at that

monolith. Yes. That one transformer beats the other one to death with a bone. Then the third one, we've been on the moon in the 60s. Then the fourth one. Then we get the dinosaurs in there. And then this one, it's like, no, no, no. It's always been about Merlin. I know that you've, you forgot. We never mentioned it before, but it's always actually been about Arthurian legend. I apologize. I mean, that's when you really boil down a lot of entertainment, Steve, whether it's literature or cinema

or even some of this golden age of television we're living in. It boils down to Arthurian legend. That is true. God, who could fucking care! What are you doing? You people get paid millions of dollars to make these things.

What are you doing? And if this was that thing that Bay, like Bay was like, I'm going to make a King Arthur movie, even though nobody will watch it. Like, you get a total of five minutes of whatever that fucking movie was. I'll tell you what, Merlin aside, I was thinking, because they're all terrible, regardless, I would watch a Michael Bay King Arthur movie. Sure.

For what I'm seeing here with, like, the way, because imagine, like, listen, we all have said this a thousand times, you know, on the several Michael Bay episodes we've done at this point, but like the dude knows how to direct action. Can you imagine like a movie full of these large-scale battles with Michael Bay directing them? I think it would be kind of cool. Here's the thing, just don't have Stanley Tucci play Merlin. He's Monty Pythoning this entire time. It's a John Cleese impression. It's too much.

I would actually argue that most of the cast seems to know exactly how little to care in this movie. Yeah, you're not wrong. And he is definitely number one with a bullet. And it was so crazy, too, when Tucci came out of. is Merlin and he kept banging those coconuts together that was wild shit

that was weird there's an odd turn for the movie I mean the odd turn is that it's Merlin also that it's Stanley Tucci

because I'm sorry you tell me that Stanley Tucci's Merlin in this movie I'm like okay so is that dude Stanley Tucci played from the last

movie related to fucking Merlin? I think that's the assumption I think the assumption is the modern day Merlins are the Steve Jobs

oh my god I will be out back huffing gas well we come to find out that the lady is related to him right I mean they should have at least showed a like oh my my shit heel cousin invented Transformio

in the last movie it's got to be something yeah well yeah so he basically like the Arthur's down in his luck I don't know what battle this is I'm sorry I'm not so I don't think no one knows it was the battle for Quinnaville is honor.

Question. Yeah. Would a black knight be allowed on King Arthur's court? I had this question in my head because they definitely have a black guy. What are you talking about Martin Lawrence? That's what I, do you mean a black guy? No, no. There is a black guy in this movie who is on the court.

That's what I just literally just said to you and then you said no. I said, are you referring to a black guy and you said, no, I'm referring to a black guy. I thought she said you were you referring to a black knight. No, no, no, no, no. He's referred to the movie, The Black Knight. Eric, no one has referred to the movie, The Black Night. Wait, wait, wait, the Knights who say Knee, how do they figure into this? I don't know.

They're around? They're banging coconuts into shit. No, I know, I know exactly what there is. There's an African American, I don't know, he's African American. There's an actor who is black. Yes. Who is also a knight. I don't know if he's a knight of the roundtable.

He might be a knight for hire. He seemed like he was part of the roundtable. He could be a hedge knight. Is that what they're called when you, it's like a knight for hire? You're a hedge knight. Well, we're a cell sword. But at the time, cell sword.

That sucks. No, it's awesome. But at the time, would that have ever, that wouldn't have. I don't know. It wasn't nearly a time at all, really. You know, replicating sometimes.

We're talking about a movie where a fucking robot talks to a wizard, man. Of course a black guy could be on the battlefield. That's a fair point. So, yeah. Merlin, the army is down and it's luck and like Merlin's their last hope and like they're like we should retreat like no

Merlin's going to do something like oh that guy's just he's just a charlatan. A drunk. A drunk and a charlatan and here comes fucking Stanley Toothy with the whole scenery in his mouth. He's got like cotton balls of like trees in his mouth. Isn't he also

unless I just I was using my pen quite liberally is he wearing a fake nose. He is wearing a fake nose. Okay, thank God. Yes. He's wearing a fake nose.

I mean, he knows he's in a cartoon. Yes. And he's just doing a cartoon. Yes. That's true. So again, then, I think he's the best part of this movie. Yeah, he kind of is. And over all of this is Sir Anthony Hopkins.

This is a disgrace. This is an outright, downright disgrace. Talking about magic and who gives a fuck. Oh, let's get into magic. Let's talk about magic. Transformers. I was. From the dawn of time.

There was once magic in the world. Oh, God, that is totally the line. And now there's megatrol. Do I really have to say this, Michael? I really think if you got, this proves, you could pay Anthony Hopkins to say anything. And I mean, like, you could get him in a room with a gray tarp and put a camera on him and make him say,

I love eating shit. Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy. I love shit. I spread shit all over my mouth. And, like, he would take that money. And you couldn't even, don't even put a narrative, structure in front of it. Just give him the money. I say whatever it is. I have a nephew who keeps getting

in trouble with drugs. To keep bailing him out, paying for his loyal fees. The guy... Oh, Rory Hopkins. Again, really Rory. Must I, Rory. Must I debase myself. I was thinking there's like, maybe there's a thing, Anthony Hopkins. He hasn't been around in a while, but now he's back to acting.

West World. People like that. But that's the thing. It's only robots. It's only robots. That's what I would argue. I would argue that when he said I'm retiring from acting, he meant it. He did not say, I'm not going to appear in movies. That's true. That's totally true.

Did he officially retire? He said it like, The greatest trick I ever pulled was convincing the world I retired from acting. Or maybe he just said, I'm going to retire from acting, but he made a statement like that, like a Hackman statement. It was a big thing. Hackman fucking kept his word. He was the only one who did.

it's amazing Connery too right but he's oh wait that Sir Billy cartoon but that was after you know he Connery someone tricked him into doing that thing someone's just falling around him he went to the post office one day he found himself in a sound booth well as we were talking about a couple weeks back though I'd like some jams please he was supposed to be in that what was it the third Transformers movie all right yes yes so you know but he didn't come out of retirement for that by the way I can't remember any of those other

movies. I love though that Sean Connery wouldn't come out of retirement for a multi-million dollar Hollywood blockbuster, but he came out of retirement for a CGI cartoon piece of shit that no one will ever see the light of day. Nope. That's pretty cool. Hey, that's pretty cool. So, um, you know, basically, uh, Stanley Tucci convinces, uh, the, this alien that white people are good. and basically he comes out of a cave and then him and all of his friends kind of Power Ranger together to make a big three-headed dragon

which you never really get a good look at I'm like you know what? Let me see this three-headed dragon. Here's the thing, dude. It's much like the shark and jaws. They knew it was a piece of shit and it's like you got to keep that from the audience as much as possible.

Add wings to the T-Rex Dino-Bot is the same fucking thing. Well, and two more heads. And by the way, I don't quite buy that it's like we're going to help King Arthur because what the fucking dragon bot does is belly flops onto the battlefield killing everybody.

That was the thought I had. I was like, how is this dragon robot distinguishing one team from the other? Yeah, it's a bit tough. Everyone is just dressed in metallic suits. The really special group, my friends, don't kill them,

but all the other ones just go right ahead. Well, you know, I actually didn't even put this together, but like, right, like King Arthur, that shit doesn't work, right? Like in the legends, like it's still falls into the dark ages and nothing, you know. It's just a period of shit for a thousand years. Yeah. So maybe the dragon just killed them all.

I don't think the Transformers give that much. We'll get to it when Bumblebee does a hit on the Nazis. But we'll get there. I really do think the Transformers know not give a fuck about civilization. Right. And they shouldn't. They shouldn't. They should have fucking ended us from the start.

So this is kind of a cold open, I guess, right? It is. Yeah. And then we get back. we find out that Optimus Prime is still in space. He's on his way somewhere. To meet his maker? Yeah.

Which sounds like a suicide note to me. Well, he's like frozen in space like George Clooney at the end of gravity in this movie. It'd be great if he's like as he's going like a little George Cleodley goes pink right off of him. Oh, thank God. A totally abandoned Chinese spacecraft. Oh, Tim Robbins. Oh. Pink.

I'm here with you, Sandra. Bullock, let's land this plane together. I just don't get like, why, what your daughter's death is not your fault. The end of that last movie, he's blasting off with his rocket boots into space.

Like, I'm coming for you, Maker. Get ready to get fucked. I will kill God. And then like, what did he run out of gas? Why is he unconscious and frozen? I just feel like every other other transformer I ever see gets into his spaceship. He's like, nah, I'm cool.

Let's raw dog it But also like I think we talked Into the wild actually Optimus Prime freezes the death in a van I shouldn't have killed the moose He's crying over Somewhere

Eddie Vitters starts singing I like that movie It's a great movie yeah but that's kind of what it is It's like no I'm good I'll take care of myself Now I'm starving in this bus Oh, I accidentally ate those poison berries and didn't know it. Is Vince Vaughn coming back?

No. Frozen. Oh, yeah, that dude was long gone. That was the best Vince Vaughn roll, him being arrested for, like, what was it, stealing cable boxes or something? Oh, is that one? Yeah, that's embarrassing. But, so, yeah, so he's doing that. But on Earth, I don't even know how long has passed since Age of Extinction, but, like, apparently, like, it's like,

Some places are days of future past And everything else is just kind of regular degular It's weird I was like, is this a post-robot apocalypse Or is it not? And like there's all this weird nonsense about I mean it all looks like Raqa So I think there is

Well it's just weird It's like yoga Nice Chris Thank you The world has changed and you know Like now It's what it's doing Essentially is what should have happened

after that first movie. Yes. Because society would crumble if fucking gigantic alien robot things came to Earth and fucked up a town. Well, a transformer with rubble as its back tattoo. Oh, you're talking about canopy. Is that a real? Is that a real? Or did they invent that for this? Oh, I don't know. They're all real. Oh, they're all real. Canopy's got some great big lips. I'll tell you that much, man. Canopies got, he's got some big kissers on him. That was actually a name that sounded familiar. I believe that is real. Is he on the lip list? He's on, he's definitely on my lip. How high? He's like

above optimistic. Wait, yeah, that's a good question. How big are these fucking lips? Like, compared to a human body? Oh my God. It's like, fucking three feet long lips, right? Yeah, at least. At least. My goodness. Like 30 people could kiss him at once. Oh.

That is hot. Nobody could see that, but Steve just tilted his head back so satisfied at that joke. I'm really pleased with myself But like, yeah, but all of that So it's like a rubble nightmare But also like

It's like a It's like, it's like, daughter's just off at college. Yeah, that's right. That's yeah. So like there's a world where like the world exists. Yes. And then there's just like, like I guess it's Chicago is just this great big hole in America?

Am I looking at soldier? Is it supposed to be soldier field right here? I think so. Oh, right. It's a football field. It would have to be. Right. Yeah.

And it's like it's just like this is like a dead zone. that we refuse to rebuild and like some some little scamp transformers live here and hide out the military is there but there's no team cleaning it up but yeah it makes no sense

because how long ago was that battle and then there's also we find we find out that one of these crashed landed aliens in this battle is one of the fucking knights of the round table I guess robo nights or something well it would make sense

in a Trump universe that they wouldn't rebuild Chicago actually oh yeah that's true We decided to skip the infrastructure spending and instead give tax cuts to the richest 1% of Transformers. Who is the richest transformers? I am, bitch. I'm not even on Earth.

I'm on holiday. Get him out of here. Lock him up. I would say Quintessa. She is probably the 1%. She's like almost a character. That's kind of fun. We're right.

Yeah. I was like, how cool. Cheers for almost a character. Good job, Mike. So, yeah, we got this big battle where we meet Isabella, who is a, like, a 14-year-old girl who is, like, kind of a scrappy kid that, like, has a canopy who dies immediately. And then this other little scrappy little dude.

Squeaks. Squeaks. Oh, God. No. And she's sexualized immediately because we see, like, these, like, stranger thing kids come in, and they're all like, they do. Let's go, let's go plunder. They totally.

We are trying to make, like, like, little 1980s movie kids out of these kids does not happen. And they're gone immediately, but one of them has to be like, oh, man, that girl is so hot. Oh, dude, I got a crush on that girl. Holy crap, it's my first boner. Yeah, like, I don't need to see any of that. Like, just have a 14-year-old girl character that's just a 14-year-old girl, and that's the end of it. But she lives in the rubble, collecting scraps, and this BB8, oh, excuse me, squeaks comes up.

I thought you were going to say, a Wally. No, I got this. No, it's a BBA. We can talk about the plot overall a little bit, right? I believe this is just Michael Bay doing a Star Wars fan film. I feel like there's so much here that is Star Wars. Please go. Cade Yeager ends up being the last night and a long line of nights.

Anthony Hopkins is his wise old man who knows the history about all that shit. Who dies at the end of the movie. Cogman is fucking C3Po to the point of one of the characters calls him C3Pio. Yeah, you can't put a hat on that, man. You can't do that. Cybertron is the death star. Unicron is the rebel base. it's coming into focus.

The fucking Cybertron ends up coming to Earth in this movie. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Optimus Prime falls to the dark side with Quintessa, the Palpatine. Correct. He becomes kind of the Vader-esque figure briefly. Oh, all right.

Fucking, what is it, Josh Dumel? Yeah. Ends up making a deal with Megatron. I'm sorry, they arrived before you did. I have no choice. I feel it's a stack. A race-switched Lando Calrissian. I love it.

Yes. And there are dog fights. upon dog fights towards the end of this movie. Eric, I've known you for 15 years, give or take. It sucks, right? That's the fucking coolest thing you've ever said. This is totally a Star Wars movie.

It's a Star Wars fucking fan film. You know, I'll get to it, we'll get to it to the end, but I think this is one of the, this is probably the best one, in my opinion. I think maybe that's why, because he's just taking beats from Star Wars. I mean, it's not, it's over-bloated in shit. But it's got little,

Star Wars bones. I really... Interesting. I think it's kind of Michael Bay's, and this is going to be out there. This is like Michael Bay's Holy Motors, where he had like all these ideas of movies he wanted to make. And he's just like, I have to put them all somewhere, so I wanted to make a King Arthur movie.

I always wanted to make a Star Wars movie. I always wanted to make a World War II movie. And he just, and I'm going to make another Transformers movie. Thank you for not acknowledging that Pearl Harbor is a World War II movie. Well, there's no, no, not He didn't want to make one of them there Japanese World War II movies.

He wanted to make one of them their Nazi World War II movies. He always wanted to make Sanford and Son, which is why they spent so much time at the junkyard. Oh, I thought he was going to make a Dr. Detroit remake. Oh, man. Well, that's also the craziest part, man. You know, speaking of Holy Motors, because you recall that scene where Anthony Hopkins

like rips out a bunch of his pubs and lights them on fire. That's fucking wild shit. And Evan Mendez is just there for some reason. And then at the end of the movie, that woman from eyes without a face also has a cameo? What fucking wild shit? God damn it. Also, so after we're caught up with like the current state of the world and whatnot, let's cut to Cuba where a bunch of transformers enjoy like living their lives without like being, you know, like afraid of being persecuted by the U.S. government, all overseen by their soccer companion or football companions. opinion for our overseas listeners.

One John Titoro, who has no business being in this movie, he wanted to go to Cuba. Oh, dude, if you think that that's actually Cuba, it is. It is entirely true, is it? They wanted to say, fuck you, Fast and Furious, we'll be number two. Oh, fuck that, are you kidding me?

Yeah, John Tetero just went to fucking Cuba. You went to Cuba to film a fucking phone booth? He went to Cuba to eat some fucking pork, and he's like, Yeah, I'll film a phone move while I'm down here. No, I just mean, like, Michael Bay insisted on filming in Cuba because, like... Because it's the big... He's looking for ways to waste money. It must be, because these Tuturo scenes, we're going on the way of fucking Cuba?

You don't even see Cuba. And another movie he always wanted to do was a Fast and Furious movie, and there's a bunch of car races in this fucking movie. That's true. My favorite part of the movie, actually, is when... Bad Boys 2 happens. When Bumblebee... When Optimus Prime kisses Bumblebee around. in the lips and goes, I knew it was you.

Oh, yeah. And then, Wong was so fucking sensual. Yeah, and then later, bumblebee gets shot in the back of the head while fishing. I wish. Yeah, Bumblebee on a boat. Hey, Isabella, you know how you catch a big fish? I'll show you. I say a Hail Mary

every time I try and catch a fish, Isabella. That is one of the saddest scenes in cinema history. I'm just imagining Bubblebee, like, doing it, like, from his... Oh, yeah, yeah, he's just playing... plays the whole fucking clip. So, yeah, so John Tituro is in Cuba and he is continuing to be a transformer conspiracy theorist. Do we know why he's exiled the Cuba?

Who knows? Francis McDormon broke up with him. I guess so, but also, like, now he knows about the society, which we'll get into of the Witt Wiccans. Like, every time the Transformers lore changes, he's aware of it somehow and he's always, like, on the ground floor. Dude, I think he's like the Alex Jones. the one that's just making shit up. Like, what is it this week? I'm going to

fucking throw a dart at a fucking a little chart and see what stupid thing I'm going to change the lore into. And he's got Anthony Hopkins on the hook for all of this. Totally. So we meet, uh, who saves Isabella and her companions

one Mark Wahlberg. Kate Yeager himself and Bumblebee. Bumbleby now can like disassemble himself and reassemble himself. Now here's the thing. Which is kind of gross. It's very, it's like the thing, like his head is walking around. I thought it was awesome. And awesome.

T-1000 shit. What I thought, though, and don't you think they should have done this was since it's made reference to not once in this movie. But in that last one, if we recall, Mark Wahlberg's K. Deager was indeed an inventor. When Bumblemeat does that, like, split apart shit and then come back together, I was like, oh, cool, it's an upgrade that Mark Wahlberg made. Like, K.D. That would have been a good thing to write. But they did it. They forgot to write that.

Can you believe it? It's like, dude, we've been on this mission. Like, Cade Yeager and Bumblebee were like a fucking team now. Bumblebee's got some upgrades courtesy of Cade Yeager. It then it justifies or proves that Cade Yeager is this great inventor. He, you know, was, you know, saying that he was in the last film. Did you just say the word justified in reference to a Transformers movie? Yeah.

You're fucking. stupid. They've never justified a single element in any of all five movies, in 12 hours of movies. But that has not the... No plot points ever been justified. But that has nothing to do with the robots, man. This is just a human character that it's like, we

spend an entire movie saying that he was this thing, but now let's just do it. Let's show that. They just don't even mention it, right? It's not mentioned at all. And also, he only does it that one time. Does he do the second time in the movie? He does it a couple of times. Oh, does he? But also, I just assume,

and this is just showing you what these movies are I assumed I missed it in one of the last movies somebody had said some bullshit line about oh well bumblebee could do that now nobody they never would want you

to have seen the last movie they're like whatever it's this movie now now it's we're doing this now now it's King Arthur shut up that was last movie shut up Nazis too

what the fuck so he takes in Isabella reluctantly and he's like yo bro hey you got a kid now oh by the way oh my daughter

she's at college she didn't test well she's at college don't worry about it She thinks I should have a girlfriend. And you have to. I'm sorry. Like, again, this is, this is just some lazy shit.

And again, these people are being paid millions of dollars to be lazy and terrible at their job. You need to have something where he's like, not only is my daughter at college, but she fucking broke up with that Irish guy because he cheated on her or he, he's, they broke up because he's overseas racing or fucking anything. Committing sex crimes. Oh, yeah, dude, totally. He's a fucking sex criminal. Oh, no. She aged out. she was she turned 18 he wasn't interested no more yeah he's got to use that Romeo and

Juliet card somewhere oh man what a fucking dirty pervert yeah it's fucking reprehensible but you have you can't just keep forgetting that these other movies exist and like they like he's talking to her like he's like oh yeah I'll text you bro because that you don't have to be in the movie cool oh shit I dropped a text well he is and we can get into Kade Yeager's status in this movie hey Kade Yeager he's not the dean at Columbia but he is indeed a a renegade

he's an outlaw he's a wanted man with a supergun oh yeah well Kade Yeager holds on to super guns and unfortunately Josh Dumel has to stand around and be like wow Kate Yeager we can't get that guy he's too cool he's like I've been in this movie I've been in this franchise longer I'd like a little bit more

guy that's dude why did Judge Dumel not pull seniority on this fucking franchise it's like oh what's that you want me back? I've been in three motherfuck. That shithead one, one movie. How am I not the main deal here? Let's do the Josh Dumel show for once and he's got an awesome Reed Richard's haircut now. Josh

Dumel is turning into his silver fox and I am loving every second of it. Absolutely, I'm doubling down. Now's a great time to get some Dumel stock. And I do. I like Josh Dumas show. By low, my friend. I really, really like Josh Dumas. Wait, why? I just like his

charisma. He's like kind of like he could play Tim Oliphant's like little brother I'd appreciate that sexy older brother Is Josh Dumel older than Tim Olivant you think I think they're about the same age But I mean I don't know like I've never really Super liked anything Josh Dumel's Benin

But I like Josh Dumel Like I wasn't a big win a date with Tad Hamilton fan necessarily even though I saw theaters For yourself Cabin you love that shit I got into it with some theater staff Seeing that movie in theaters I've still not seen that movie

You're totally fine I don't even really remember this is a super fan telling you I fought with an usher about the lights not being down if you see this man coming to your theater closed down for the night

just close down you're not gonna satisfy tell him a hurricane's coming to put down the storm door that happened to me once a projectionist always a projectionist I do not tolerate that shit

oh my lord so Dumel gets into it Mark Wahlberg and there's this other Spanish guy who kind of comes to nothing. I, dude, for the majority of this movie, can I tell you, I thought that was

John Bernthal. It might as well be. And I was like, why is John Bernthal not getting more screen time in this transfer? Oh, that's not true. Or being credited. So There's no opening credits to this movie, by the way. John Bernthal. Just like a Star Wars movie, by the one.

The guy who's the head of like the TMF or the TRF or the TRI. TRF, I think it is. The Transformer relocation fund fund for a dollar a day you can feed transformer you can fix a transformer's big lips

a dollar a day buys enough diesel fuel to enough energy right fucking energon to get their all sparks off well that's the thing why are transformers anyone else notice is transformers are bleeding in this movie you ever notice

they're also vomiting there's like green blood everywhere that happened in the last movie. Did it really? Did I miss that point? I'm pretty sure. Yes, you did because I missed it too because you can't tell what's going on in any of this shit. Yeah, I'm fairly certain. Canopies dies. Blah, he's got blood all over it.

I'm fairly certain. So fucking stupid. It's very stupid. I'm fairly certain as early as Transformers Dark of the Moon, the third film, were kind of making robots bleed. But the liquids have changed immensely because this the green stuff I think is all of it.

Oh yeah. No. Can it He's final scene. He's like fucking Tim Roth in the back of a car. He's looking like shit. Sing the fucking song. You're going to be okay. Say the fucking words, canopy. Mark Wahlberg is like...

Are you a mechanic? Are you a mechanic? I don't think so. Are you Kate Yeager? Are you Kaye Yeager? You're going to be okay. But at this point, Mark Wahlberg is bequeathed a knight by this other night. He gives him this talism.

we're just calling it a talisman whatever and it like adheres to his body and Mark Lauber was like whoa weird and like kind of is all right with it I'll just leave that there for the next month oh it kind of was that cool tribal tat bro oh shit I could get in a

fucking Fenway with this look how fucking cool it is oh shit I can see everything for free in Boston with this look at this fucking sick tribal talisman fuck No, Michael, are you serious? Anthony Hopkins is going to be in this movie?

That's a little, fuck. That guy's scary, bro. Oh, I'm scared as fuck of Sir Anthony Hopkins, man. You ever see Hots in Atlanta? That shit's fucking terrifying. It's fucking bone-chilling. You ever see the movie Magic, bro? Oh, that dummy scared me, bro.

Dude, I watched that movie recently. Uh-huh. Not great. Not great. Creepy dummy, though. Fucking two hours and five minutes. Yeah, that's a bit much. But so he gets this talisman.

We go back to his junkyard. We meet all of the well-defined robots from the last movie that do nothing in this movie. They don't need to be here. As much as I love John Goodman and will fucking weep when he goes. And Ken Watanabe's great. And Ken Watanabe, like, he does this, they have this thing where it's very force-ish, actually, where he's like, there is no life, there is no death. Or whatever he's saying.

It's kind of like, I'm one with the forces, forces one with me. He's doing that thing, but it never comes back. He does it twice, but he never does anything with it. Much like the actors, all we're doing is fucking around. They are just doing the fuck around. Everybody doing the fuck around. And the Cohen Brothers Bathroom Project continues with Steve Buscemi, showing up his day trader, to banter with John Goodman.

It's outrageous, dude. It's fucking outrageous. It has a whole dumpster on his back. Yeah, what is this robot? I don't know what this traitor is a day trader. Good Lord. Or actually, maybe all that junk like a tumor. Oh, I see.

Just kind of work in it. Well, and because they always, like, they all do these weird, like human things. Like, hound John Goodman is always talking about like, I could drink myself to death. And I'm like, really? That is such a human thing. Dude, cut to hound chugging like a fermentation stack. Just like, at a brewery, like, good. Guzzling beer.

That cigarias is a tumor as well. Yeah. They're all too. He's like, I'm just nibbling on my tumor. When Kate Yeager's talking to his daughter on the phone, a hound is like, oh man, I never talk to my dad. And I'm like, what, you have a dad, hound? When did this?

Who ain't stopped the movie entirely. The hound has a dad. Now what is his dad and what did it fuck? My father, retriever, always told me to believe in the nights. It's just so dumb. Also, the thing about DayTrader that it gave me the same feeling. You ever see like a homeless person in the city that's like carrying way too much shit? And you're like, listen, homeless person, make life easier.

It's already hard enough. You don't need to be dragging two shopping cards full of garbage. Just the one will do? Just the one will do. And this day trader, look at all this shit at my back. You want to buy any of it? I think somebody, I think Hound calls him a skank.

I mean, they're all saying shit like that. But John Goodman's round. They're all like throwing up when he shows up. He loves saying, Hound loves saying shit like skank. And in the last movie, he's like, shizzle. They look like shizzle. I didn't count,

but the amount of times people say shit in this movie is out of control. This is the most adult. How many shits equal a fuck? That's my question. Because you only get one fuck a movie. I feel like at least. Oh, infinite.

Six and three quarters. Six and three quarters. is you say six shits, it's one fuck. So you get 12. Now you're, now you're rated R, I feel. Well, but the difference is you can say as many shit as you want. It doesn't make anyone think of the dirty sex act. Well,

it depends on how you do it, pal. Most of the world. G.G. Allen excluded from this. I finally watched that Todd Phillips documentary. I still haven't seen it. It's worth a watch. Man, G.G. Allen was a fucking scumbag. Man, if only

he was alive today, he could have voiced a if he was alive today he'd be dead so the girl there's a lot of business about the girl wants to join him he doesn't want him he doesn't want her to blah blah blah and the what's you don't know but she knows the clock's ticking she has very little time left in this movie

exactly there's so much business about this girl and you're like well she's going to be the star of the movie like the movie's going to be about him and her coming together surrogate daughter fine that's a movie honestly you got a movie right there And that's a movie. They have eight of these things planned after this. Yeah, of course.

Between offshoots and sequels and God knows what. That's smart. So they're probably setting up all these. That's why this makes no sense. Because they're setting up all the other shit. Don't worry, little girl. You're going to grow up in the Transformers world. Oh, ew.

Also, I didn't check the credits, but this is indeed comedian Carmichael. Jared Garmichael? Yeah. He's the dude. Yes, that's the comic. car michael show yeah yes yes yes he's fine he's totally he's like yeah he's one of the best parts he's he's another character the movie forgets is in it

yes they set him up this whole business about like he's kind of doing t j miller's bit not for nothing like he's like i work for you what why am i working here and i'm like didn't i see this before better watch it car michael i know what happens with fucking stand-up comedians that are friends with kadyager hey you funny i don't think that was very funny nobody's laughing at your shit car michael i can eviscerate you I will get the Carmichael show fucking canceled.

Okay, do you hear me? 40 minutes of this movie, you're not going to be in it now. 40 minutes. Dude, 40 minutes. That's being generous. He's out of this movie for like an hour and a half. Characters disappear, including Optum for hours on end. Oh, yeah.

They're just like gone. But with Optimus Prime, though, we are finally granted the wish that we've been bitching about this whole Transformers'athon, which is like, let some of these other transformers shine a little bit. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, you get more bumblebee. And he, they're clearly setting a little bit. up the bumblebee movie that's coming out in like two years yeah next year man is it next year 18 i really i know it's never going to happen but i would love to reach a day you know my old age that there aren't any transformers movies where the transformers movies end and ron howard makes a new

transformers remake ron howard's you'd be long dead by then think about that's fair think about this these movies are going to go on for another 50 years maybe and then they stopped for that were no more transformers stories to tell. Yeah, right. Look, if we got King Arthur this early, there's already no more transformer stories. That's what I'm thinking.

Like, I just want this shit to die. So we're kind of in dispersing. Megatron shows up. Megatron, by the way, in case anyone was wondering if anyone ever gave his shit was actually reincarnated by Stanley Tucci as Galvatron and he had a different mechanism

in which he transformed. But in this movie, he's just Megatron again. And regularly transforming. Yeah, it was that thing where, like, he exploded into, like, a bunch of pixels or whatever and then came back. Because he's not a true transformer. Right. He was made of, like, the artificial...

Transformium. Yes. And that movie, this movie is just like, he's Megatron. And again, you know, and what the fuck does it matter, man? You're just getting paid millions of dollars to write a screenplay for this million-dollar fucking franchise. And you don't have to know shit about anything. And Barricade, who died two movies ago is just back like, hey, everybody, it's Barricade.

I'm like, what the fuck? What happened here? Barricade 2, the barricading. Man, you know what one part I, I mean, I hate them all, but this one part I hate is when Megatron makes that deal with the TFR or whatever. Yeah, yeah. And it turns out of suicide squad for 10 minutes. It's just like, let's go through the stats of all these awesome decepticons.

I'm busting out of Arkham, bro. Dude, I was pulling my hair out at this. I mean, we can just even get to this. Again, it's 45 minutes in, yeah, yeah. Berserker. Onslaught, Dreadbot. Dreadbot was my favorite name. What about Nitro Zeus?

Nitro Zeus. Did we get them all? Mohawk, Dreadbot, Nitro Zeus, Berserker, and we did say Onslaught. Those are all. Berserker is the only one that's not let out of his kids. And we even stopped the movie to have like title cards for these guys. Yeah, that's the thing. That's the suicide squad thing.

Like everybody else does nothing. And I'm like, so then what are we even talking about? They're all like they team up with Megatron for one scene. and they're all instantly murdered by a baby. Yep. The 14-year-old, they go to like some fucking, I couldn't tell if it was a ghost town or not because it's like ghost town, ghost town, ghost town,

old blues musicians sitting outside of a bar. Ghost town, ghost town, ghost town, ghost town. He's just there to meet the devil to sell us. Oh, yeah. Ghost town, ghost town, Max von Sied out, walking the curse at earth. Ghost town, ghost town, ghost town. It means a ghost town, it has to have ghosts. Everyone is here to

I will preach the law to you I thought you I thought you meant the Wait you were talking about Judge Dress Uh huh yeah He wasn't referencing seventh seal How about both of them How about young Max Fonson and old Max?

Oh that's a hologram I'd watch And then somebody else comes out of the shadow Oh you're looking for Luke Skywalker I know him too We'd like to do a play in your town An army of Max von Siders. That's terrifying and stoic. Oh, no, I'm cheating on my wife in New York.

And her sisters. Who here knows what Steve's referencing. Brush up on your Woody Allen here. Press stop to end the podcast. Yes, please press stop. You know what's kind of funny? It's a blink and you miss it. because we're not really

this movie is avoiding any presidential anything except there is a moment where a weasily so-and-so goes to like some army whatever the fuck and has to be like what's the deal with Transformers

anybody else catching the fact that this dude is cast to look exactly like Sean Spicer and it's a total like he had a beard though no this dude did not have a beard and he's like

I have to like get all the facts because I have to know what I need to say. And this is not the other thing. And I was like, this little turd looks like that other little turd and it's kind of funny. I was probably in the bathroom. It's a blink and you miss a thing that happens right before

this suicide squad introduction shit. And also, I mean, this is so fucking infuriating. We have this bit of comedy where it's like, oh, and we've got this team of lawyers here, Megatron, and they're all making fucking phone calls about pardoning these robots. It's like the handoff in lethal

weapon it's in the middle of the desert and you're with lawyers and one of one of course only one of the transformer bad guys is dressed like hannibal lector a little bit anyone get that like he's like yeah of course dude because we're just we're we're we're making all these jokes so people can be entertained and laugh their asses off i will say one thing for this movie less product placement or at least less that i saw big time big time i mean aside from obviously all the cars that you can't get away from i mean that you could get away but they don't cars bud light that's it there's one i mean there but there is that bud light thing we're like mark walberg's like yo yo stop the movie i'm getting thirsty yeah yeah hey little dinosaur robots

hey by the way why are they like dinosaur puppies i don't know give me a fucking bud light where where were these robot eggs hatching who's fucking who that's what i want to know that's a great question although i will admit to thinking that they were very cute maybe they dropped from sacks like in the second one yeah show me that jelly sack because Because there's your opportunity to show me that jelly sack. I'm a great of Optimus Prime goes to Cybertron. No! Where are the jelly sacks?

I was promised jelly sacks! Turns out these sequels are confused and inconsistent. So, there's a big fight, but Optimus does go to Cybertron. He meets Quintessa, who's the Borg Queen. I mean, the bad lady. She looks a lot like Alex Creach, doesn't she? Big time. Is she Canon?

Is this quintess a canon? I was looking it up. There's something called the quintessones who are actually the creators of the Transformers. She's just kind of an amalgamation of them. Oh, yeah, because, you know, when everything's a chock full of this much bullshit, better combine two characters into one to save space.

And what happened to those aliens in the last movie? Remember there was like, honest to goodness, like fleshy aliens dropping bombs? It was the last movie, Steve. I guess you're right. Forget it. Erased from existence. There were humanoid aliens that dropped like those bombs that started our Ice Age, right?

Or something? I don't remember any of that. That's fine. Weren't those robots, though? I thought they were, you know what? Somebody will yell at me on Twitter. That wasn't like lockup or whatever the fuck that dude's name was. Oh, lockdown?

Right. Foot Locker. Foot Locker. Come along, footlocker. So as it turns out, John Titoro is buddies with one Sir Anthony Hopkins. Oh, right. Because we're getting a lot of like phone call. Anthony Hopkins is like,

I thought I told you never to call me here. And he's like, yeah, I know this line is insecure, but we got some transformer talk to do. And he's like, yeah, whatever, click. Next plot point. Who happens to be a main character in this movie, this lady who is Merlin's disciple named Vivian, who is just like a British Megan Fox.

She is 1,000% a British Megan Fox. I thought it fucking was Megan Fox. Did you look up her other credits? She's not stuff. No, she was in both Guardians of the Galaxy as Quill's mother. I actually think she's a good actress. Oh,

I think she does a fine job here. And I think, you know, like she's good in shit, you know, so good for her. Wait, she was playing the woman rotting in that hotel bed

in the second movie or in the first one? Apparently. According to the Tribune. Wow, it's wild shit. And then I guess Kurt Russell plows her in the second one. Oh. She played the young one?

I mean, she must have because that's the only time she was the credit. It was a credit. I saw a credit. Well, no, it's a weird, like, buff guy with a blue screen mask that they're like, oh, they're just got to put like an old fucking big trouble of little China face on that thing later.

Don't worry. But you have to have sex with this blue screen guy. Oh, man. That's amazing. I would love to be. Done and done. I would totally do it. It's getting closer.

Hey, you know what? Getting closer. Hey, the computer wore tennis shoes. so yeah she's like this she's this art curator or something she's given tours like art tours about like medieval art that the King Arthur legend is bullshit

and everyone's like yeah no shit lady can I get my ten bucks back well it's some dumb school trip they don't know no better she's like an Oxford professor she's got a presentation to prove that the work of fiction is in fact fiction

yes great well it's like you know that's how she keeps the lights on given these tours. She's made that same joke a thousand times. Yeah, that's true. She'd get a little comfortable with it, you think? I think that's the idea. Check out some new material. It's, you know, King Arthur's fiction, but you know, there might be some truth somewhere. Yeah, he's a composite

of this and that. It's just like Jesus or George Washington. I'm honestly really surprised neither of those characters are in this movie. Yeah, those are... Neither Jesus nor George Washington shows up here. You know, the next... Bumblebee, I bet you. I bet you he's hanging out with George

Washington. Do you want to know how George Washington actually crossed the Delaware, just ask my friend Bumblebee. He was the one holding the boat. You want to know how Jesus Christ got those scars? I gave it to him

motherfucker. One night, my father, Romans and Jerry. I don't know. So, like, yeah, she's a part of this movie. Optimus Prime has turned into a bad kind of unceremoniously. Nemesis pride.

No, I like it. Speaking of Star Trek, it's speaking of... Yeah. Mm-hmm. Fucking dumb. Yeah, she's just like, you're a bad guy now

and he's like, hey, cool. Now I have this pretty bitching Bowie-esque red mark over my eye. That signifies I'm Evel. And I have magenta lights in my eyes for some reason.

Well, that's the thing, dude. I got the Oliver Wild pendant and now my eyes are purple. Blue eyes are Autobots and red eyes are Decepticons. So he flips. He turns Decepticon in this movie and deceives no one.

Because it doesn't matter. Because he like bows out of the... Evil Optimus Prime is a really cool idea. But it's not really cool. It's cool enough for one of these movies, but it just, it's... This is where he's just cut out of the movie for 90 minutes.

He's like, I'm taking a bus back to Earth. It's going to take a long, long, long. long, long time. Don't worry. I'll get there. Oh, we're transferring at Mars. Ah, shit. I missed my transfer. Keep it together, Rizzo. Keep it together.

We're going to get there soon, I swear. Oh, God. That would be awesome. Then he just like... Fucking curls up and dies. Everybody's talking. I used the bathroom and Pluto. And I missed my fucking stop.

Great. I'll see you later, movie. Ah, shit. Well, he gets there right before it ends. Yeah, you get, yeah. So, um, this big battle with Megatron and these guys that takes 20 minutes to break out happens and nobody cares. No.

And then like this little British robots like, yo, the real movie is this way, guys. We're going to do national treasure for about an hour. Everybody else, sorry beginning in the movie. You guys just do nothing now. And yeah, I really did want to make a national treasure. Me too. I thought they looked pretty neat up there on the screen. You watch National Treasure Book of Secrets, and

you fucking tell me that's not an excellent movie you'd also like to make. And also tell me that I wouldn't have made it fucking better. Well, he probably would have. Apologies to John Turtle Tau. What else did he do? Isn't he not at the museum guy?

Oh, shit. No, is that him? I think that's him. I mean, he's both of those National Treasure movies. I'm almost positive. I'm going to be pulling up the ticker. Is that little C3PO thing named Cogsworth? No, Cogsman is the C3PO guy and the BBA is... Wait, wait, wait, Cogsman, his Secret Service? Wait, what was that for?

The Kingsman. The Kingsman, sorry. Kingsman. Saw a preview for that sequel on this Transformers film. It's so... That first movie's fucking stupid. So yeah, Cogman is like, hey, come with me, Mark Wahlberg, and, oh, Bumble be too, sure. but the rest of the cast that we've been

introducing for a long time, we'll do nothing. And like, Cade Yeager at this point is like, yo, John Goodman Robot, take care of these two little kids I stole. Like, oh, there is, we can't we can't not talk about it. It's my favorite part of all of these movies. He meets this Native American

border agent or something. Oh, it's what's his face? From Hellar Highwater. This dude's having a fucking bang up couple of years. Oh, yeah, yeah. That dude, Heller Highwater, Kimmy Schmidt. All the way, I just looked up John Turtle Tub and I'm kind of like this guy's an auteur like we need to write a paper

this is amazing. I'm sorry to derail us but think big 1989 with the Barbarian Brothers, three ninjas cool runnings phenomenon with that movie fucking statutes. Instinct with Anthony Hopkins. What is instinct? With Cuba Gooding Jr.

I'm like a caveman or something. I've been in the wild. Oh, is that the bear movie? No, that's a... You're thinking of the edge. You're thinking of the edge, bro. Oh, instinct where he's got long-ass hair? Oh, I never saw it.

Disney's the kid with Bruce Willis. Ooh. National Treasure. Book a secret. Book of Sweequitz. Book of Secrets. The Sorcerer's Apprentice, which is awful. That movie fucking Stap.

Last Vegas. Wow. Wow. The bucket list, but worse. Last Vegas. That's correct. So I was wrong. I thought I could have sworn.

I mean, the tint of crap. I mean, don't worry. He has his own tint of crap. So he meets this guy who's like his buddy there who's like kind of watching his junkyard. He also works for the law. And he's like, hey, chief, how's it hanging? And he's like, I wish you wouldn't call me chief. And he's like, why, chief?

And he's like, well, that's not my name. And also it's vaguely racist. Which somebody actually looking at Mark Wahlberg in the face in a movie and saying vaguely racist at him, that's pretty amazing. I don't know, Steve. technically they're talking over the phone. Aren't they not? No. Oh, that's what,

because most of that, most of their interactions are indeed over the phone. No, it's on his way into town after the fight. He's like, Hey, Chief has it hang? And he's like, don't call me. It's before Megatron does a hamlet

with Star Scream's head. Oh, right. Oh, God. Damn it. Oh, that's right, because what's his name, Hatchback fucking found it. What's that thing's name,

Steve Bushemi? Day Trader. Day Trader is like, I got this fucking. head here. Remember Star Scream? Oh, nobody gives a shit moving on. Here, Bumblebee, here's your vocal chords. Oh, it's female. It's bullshit then. Oh, it's a, here's a gay joke

for you, Bumblebee. No, he talks like Siri. Oh, right. It's the Siri boys. And everyone is laughing nuts. That was one of the times I got hooting and hollering in my theater, man. Stomping feet, people were laughing that hard. See, the thing is, when I saw this movie, it was dead fucking silence. There were children that were fucking dead silent it was eerie as other was a children of the corn a grim march to the end of that movie no people were enjoying it in mine oh that sucks yeah that was even worse i think i

was the one making the most noise in my theater so he walberg goes to england and kind of does like king ralph for a while i guess well they're both kidnapped are they not yeah yeah sort of by cogman Cogman. Cogman gets one and then Hot Rod, who's a French transformer, gets the British later. By the way, these are both. Voice by Bishop. This one. This one and Cogman, the hottest, hottest robots of this series.

I kind of thought, yeah, I liked Cogman. I liked that Cogman was like 5'2 or something. Like, hey, man. It was interesting to see something that could like interact with a human one of, you know, it's not looking. Off of the Wikipedia. Uh-huh. Cogman, by the way. Do you know what class of transformer he is?

No, I do not. He is a headmaster. Oh, so okay, so okay, is that on your lip list? The top of it. No, he is a headmaster because he is one of those transformers that forms a bigger transformer, and he's the head of something. He turns into like a little head? Yeah, and I guess it doesn't happen in the movie because we could care.

It will happen in the next one. I don't know. Oh, what. We do see that World War I tank guy that's falling apart. Tank guy does that, and then there's that Minotaur guy later in the movie, and then obviously the Knights themselves do that. I mean, right. Oh, like, like, joined together.

Yeah, there's like a Minotaur. The Minotaur guy's pretty cool. He's like on, I don't remember this. He's on Cybertron. He's like, what's her name's like number two? Quintess is number two. And you can barely, he doesn't talk. He's a big minotor dude that's made of like 12 different dudes.

Oh, I did not notice. Jesus. Oh, wait, this is vaguely. I don't know. I'm thinking about, I'm getting like a whiff. of something, but I don't really. The whole last hour of this, I just didn't know what was going on. I saw this movie Stone Sober

24 hours ago and I hated it. Well, I'll tell you this. Days ago. Yeah. I don't remember anything. I will say what's great about Cogman is he's voiced by that horny Butler from Downton Abbey. Oh, right. Oh yeah, Jim can't think of his name. Yes. Yes. That dude's awesome. My thing

though, is it ever explicitly mentioned that Cogman is a transformer? because this whole time I was like, cool, Anthony Hopkins built that thing. Yeah, he never, they never say transform. He never says I'm an Autobot or I'm a Decepticon. And he's got yellow

eyes, not blue or, nor red. Right. Yeah, I mean, in the film canon, maybe Anthony Hopkins did make them out of various watch parts or whatever. Well, because it is that. And Anthony Hopkins is like, you know, like the world's leading transformer expert. Well,

he's a Wit Wiccan, which we should probably get into. Yeah, let's just get into it. Let's do the Wittwickens and then we'll talk about his watch. So Anthony Hopkins brings Cade Yeager and this, what's her name, Vicki? Vivian. Vivian. Because it features in my favorite line of the movie.

Brings them to his like palatial fucking English estate. This thing's amazing. And he's like, yeah, it's pretty much a castle, I'd say. He's like, I am the last Wit Wiccan. And I am the one who, who's responsible for the line of Wittwecken. Yo, bro, do you have to

like, you have to, like, wear that mask all the time so you don't bite people? Yo, dude, that, that shit's scared. I mean, no, seriously, Mike, does you wear that off screen? No, no, seriously, can he take off that old man mask? Tony, I gotta tell you. I saw Silence of the Lambs and theaters

and it scared me so much. I fucking ran right out of the theater. Beat the shit out of a Vietnamese guy. It was fucking crazy, bro. It's a true story I heard. Yeah, it's a totally true story that people don't talk about with Mark Wahlberg. Then I saw Hannibal, bro. That movie was messed up.

You know, you were like going to the opera and shit. It was like, it was like the last one, but you were walking around. Did you really feed that old guy to pigs? No, shut up. That wasn't Gary Oldman. That was not. No way. No way.

Somebody get me on my cell real quick. I got to call Turtle. Tell him, but Gary Olman was in his favorite. Dude, I keep fucking forgetting. there's a real entourage out there there's a real life timeline turtle and Johnny drama Goober is as we've discussed

and Goober right yeah oh that mask would be good for Goober oh man Mark's doing another Transformers movie he's not doing the movie oh no he's definitely doing the Transformers movie oh Cade Yeager so yeah basically like

there's a line of people called the Whitwickens and I guess it's this family line of all these dudes who have been like assigned to oversee the secret history of the Transformers. That's right. I'll eat my shit on camera. Anything you want me to say. I'll say it with some clas. Including a picture of fucking Shialabuff that looks straight out of a mugshot. But so he's dead by the way. I guess he must be. He says he's the last line. He says he's the last. I think it's insinuated. But that's also the Whitwikins, aren't the Whitwikins also?

just like Einstein and Shakespeare? Are Harriet fucking Tubman? Oh, please. No, I don't know. I don't think family. I don't think Ms. Tubman She's on the wall. Yeah, but that's when he's like, we've helped all these people all over the years.

So they're like honorary Whitwitt Wittins? I think she's a Witt Wiccan, my friend. But all right. Oh man, maybe that's like Listen though, if it's the line of Whitwikins and all these different people from all walks could be a Witt Witt Wiccan, how the fuck is then They're also the family Witwiki.

Well, that's, I, what is, what is Kevin Dunn have to say about this? Don got skipped over. Dude, Anthony Hopkins, like, let me just check in here on your grades and, oh, I'll be back in 20 years. I think that's what happened, right? I feel like they just skipped over a generation. Well, it's, I think it's a belief system, like the original Whitwiki who found the first transformer in the fucking ice shelf. Right, the grandfather.

Grandfather. He was the first one. He was the guy who originally, this presupposes. he isn't. Didn't he say I was one of the original Witt Wiccans? No, because Shakespeare was a Wittling fucking, he says Leonardo da Vinci was a Wiccan. It's like whatever.

His helicopter drawing was actually a fucking transform. That's totally right. Okay, so back in B.C., Ebenezer fucking Wittwiki fucking started this thing, I guess. The Bronzer, that's a name of the bronzes is Ebenezer. That's what we're going with. It's never Canazer Whitwitwikers.

I mean, this whole idea of Transformers have had a... Well, sorry, Jesus, you're going to have to take one for the team for the Whitwikins. You're going to have to go up on that cross, you see. You've got to have to keep this Transformers secret. Sorry. Optimus isn't coming for you this time. I'm sorry, Jesus. I can't be there.

I think Pontius Pilate was a Whitwikin. Pontius Pilate was a fucking Decepticon. Oh, fuck. No, but just I hate this idea. that like thumbs up or thumbs down. Without global history. This is not armor.

It is my body. There's been a fucking transformer having its little robot finger in the world pie. And we had to pretend that that wasn't going on. And it's all the heavy hitters, man. It's fucking Hitler.

It's it's the underground railroad. It's Einstein. Yep. It's Bert Reynolds. They're all transformed. They're all Transformer people. And they all just knew. Everybody. All these people knew about Transformers and nobody said shit.

Nobody got drunk one night and said shit. Well, if you do, if you read a Midsummer's Night Dream, you will see some allusions to the grand robots in the sky. Puck was definitely a transformer. He was like a cog bin. And this is, so he like spews all this bullshit. And then he's like, oh, by the way, Vivi. you're also related to Merlin moving on

she's the only she's the only living relative to Merlin were we talking to her family yeah she's got a family I mean like I guess all of the other ones died out her shitty father who it turns out wasn't shitty well that's maybe it was on the

father it was on the father was part of it too so yeah that mother ain't got nothing to do with nothing I do just like leaving that fart in a room and living yeah you're related to Merlin go on Anyways, excuse me. Well, that's what he does. He just shits exposition.

And there's like a staff, the staff that the Merlin gets in the beginning of the movie, we're given to him by this night. And it's a really stupid, like, it's a big staff that a Transformer is holding. And then it, like, gets really small. It could be like a transformer toothpick, I think, is the idea. Oh, cool, I'm hound. I can put that in my asshole. Yes, he could.

I could butt chug that. Oh, man. If this movie was just two hours and 30 minutes of a transformer butt chugging shit, I would be, I would be like, this is great. Or if hound was like doing a Maria full of grace. Oh, man. Oh, my God. The only way I could hide the talisman is hip.

Hey. By the way, the talism. Just sitting on this plane. Oh, no, that talisman baggie exploded in my ass. That would be very dangerous because I read on Wikipedia with the talisman. is the day because I didn't get it we'll watch the movie even though it becomes a sword. Yeah, it's Excalibur.

There you go. No. It's Excalibur, everybody. And the lady in the lake was fucking Quintessa or whatever the fuck. You know what? Three cheers to the people that wrote this movie because you fucking pulled the wall

over Paramount's eyes. The idea that you could get this movie made. It's just crazy. It's crazy. It's crazy. Nobody gives a fuck. This movie is like, look at how fucking stupid these people are they will you know what put merlin in this movie they'll buy a ticket they're

fucking morons am i or incorrect is this in akiva goldsman did he pen this oh akiva goldsman did he write he had a sent he's the head of the writer's room for all the movies going forward really are there going to be movies going forward though didn't the movie bomb it this movie bombed domestically the global box office china goes to the movies yes yeah it did good enough business this is winter's tale Akiva Goldsman. You know what? Here's the thing. Keep making them. Just put him out over there. I don't want it.

Yeah, that's a good point. Like, release him in China and then like six months later put him out on a Blu-ray. Just only release him in Vietnam, bro. Honestly, set it in Asia, get a full Asian cast, no Americans, just like Hong Kong actors or something.

That'd be awesome. Do it all there. Get a Hong Kong director. It would be a dope movie. That would actually be really cool. That would actually be really fucking sweet. It's rooted in, you know, Chinese or whatever. I don't. Do whatever you want with it. I'd rather see it sub-time.

Yeah, absolutely. It would be more interesting experience. That would be really cool, actually. If it was like a totally like official Transformers movie, but it was subtitled because it's in Mandarin. Get the Japanese director who did the Godzilla movie, the other Godzilla movie. You're going to have to be more specific.

Oh, the one from like 2001? No, the one that just came out. after as a response to oh to the 2014 one oh that dude yeah I didn't know he was like an actual name I mean he's dead and that movie's really good oh really you saw it yeah it's really good is it better than Transformers

the last night it is very much so so he could he could really improve on this so there's a lot of car chases there's my favorite scene in the movie one of my favorite scenes in the movie is Mark Wahlberg so like they also talk about that Mark Wahlberg is indeed the last night and he's a night he was given the pendant

not only because he knows Miss Prime but because he's got all these virtues one of course being chastity and he's like oh bro what's that mean well there's like a joke that he's stupid and he's like no I know what Chase is bro yeah but it's I'm gonna invent I got a degree

I got a University of Phoenix Master's degree okay bro we have to hear about like when was the last time Kate Yeager fucked yeah like that's just a thing and he's like it's been a while come on

just stop I know a fucking Blake Edwards movie for a minute. Oh, I like that. It'd be a lot funny. They're like flirting him and Vivian, and he like quotes like, he's like, yo, bro. It's actually like, is there any difference between like advanced science and magic? Autosy Clark. And she's like, hold on.

Are you a genius? And then the craziest thing was. Are you a genius? And then her pants fell down. Uh-huh. Exactly. And they have this scene, this national treasure scene when they're going around her. father's study. He picks up this horse

and he's like, look at this stupid little horse. It's probably stuck in his butthole. One of my favorite one of my favorite lines in the movie. Because what is it they're looking for? Just a map to who could ever care. An address that he finds in a... Is it like a location of the staff?

Yeah, and then Anthony they go to a submarine. Long story incredibly long. We are skipping over the Nazis. Oh, we can't skip the Nazis. We get this. It's a, it's not just in passing, he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, Harriet Tubman. This is like, I'm going to tell you the story about when bumblebee was a real mean fuck. Bumblebee and what I've been calling

hellfish botanza. Dude, it's like bumblebee rolls up to some like Hitler's castle or whatever. Which I read on my was actually one of Winston Churchill's properties and a lot of people were mad. Oh, wow. It's a Nazi stronghold. Understandably so. So yeah, it's like Bumblebee and all these dudes rolled up to assassinate Hitler. But Eric, who

was it that got the job done in those dark hours in the bunker? Are you talking about real life or in Transform? No, no, in Transformer. Watch. Oh, man. A pocket watch transformer that now Anthony Hopkins keeps in his pocket to threaten

prime minister. He's a He is. He basically, he goes, careful, Mark Wahlberg. That's the watch that killed Hitler. That's like, oh, man. Oh, eat shit. I'm yummy. British Timothy McVeigh.

That's an outrageous thing, actually, is Anthony Hopkins totally sneaks into the prime minister's headquarter. Ten Downing Street. The old entrance. Oh, yeah, I'll just go in the back door. Oh, yeah. He's like, he holds up this watch. He'll tell you men to move or I'll fucking blow. it's all sky high.

I control England now. Well, he's talking, there's, it's, it's a, it's a prime minister that's cast to look like, David Cameron? It's a David Cameron dude, and it's like, oh, you didn't anticipate what happened there, did you, Michael Bay?

No, no, no, no cowardly older woman running the fucking ship. It's kind of awesome, but he's just like threatening this prime minister. And then this guy's like, Oh, I'm sorry. Did you say you're a Wit Wiccan? Security, back away.

This dude rules the world. We go to a submarine because apparently the coordinates they got are underwater. They hijack a submarine. Anthony Hopkins gives, like, it's a famous submarine. I don't know British submarines, guys. I'm sorry. All right, Twitter. I'm going to let this fuck have it.

You don't know no British submarine history. You know what, man. It's spotty at best. And Anthony Hopkins, like, buys this British submarine. This submarine is closed permanently. And I'm like, get this guy out of this movie. It's a museum. Yeah.

And he's like, the museum is out of business. And he's pushing, like, he's pushing people out. Get out of here, that ass. He's fucking yelling at people. He calls someone fucking fat, which is awesome. I would watch a movie that's three hours long. I'm just Anthony Hopkins calling people fat. He's like on the street.

Anthony Hopkins in the Richard Simmons story. Or if you just did like a Tom Green thing. Oh, wow. It's just fucking MTV late night. It's just Anthony Hopkins. I'm going to go to my parents' house and install a where's my dinner bitch statue on their lawn. It will be fucking priceless. Oh, wait.

My parents have been dead for years. I've secretly put an alligator in my uncle's bedroom. Let's see what happens. I'll wake him up by slapping him in the face. I'm going to give. my co-host Ray Winstone's phone number out on the, on air. Oh, and for you, not going to do that. Yes, I am, Ray.

Yes, I am. Three, two, one. Oh, mercy me. It's all so stupid. And by the way, we should mention at this point, like, we're fucking diving the depths here to get the coordinates to the staff, because as it turns out, Earth. Oh, please. What we know as Earth. It's actually indeed planet Unicron, which is like the sister planet of whatever the fuck.

Someone's cybertron. Someone's incredibly baggy, bad jeans just came when they heard that. Well, that's... Man, what a curse if you had to say that every time you come. Oh, man, yeah, that's unfortunate. Saying a fake word like Jinko. At least it'd be like, success! Why would someone have to say that when they come?

Well, that's what I was saying. A wizard's cursed? When the reveal, right, was that Earth was indeed Unicron. You would come in your January. We posited, or Steve did. No, I heard the whole exchange. I just think it's stupid. Wrangler!

Oh, fuck, dude, that's what you do. It's the countrymen out here. That's what you do at Unforgiven. In Kingsman sequel, the Eastman or whatever. Oh, okay. Yeah. That's what I saw. It looks so...

It looks real bad. Can't. Hey, do you remember how in the first movie they killed Obama? Oh, yeah. Oh, that's right. I forgot about that. There is, Buster Bluth is in this movie. God bless him.

Tony. Tony Hale. And he's just doing... I mean, like, he's just like, oh, Armageddon. I saw that movie. I could do that. He's doing a one-man Armageddon play. He is, which is very sad.

But also, why can't you just take the very little scraps that Tuturo is given in this movie. Make Tony Hale say that shit. Because like the character is someone who works for NASA and he knows bleep, bloop, about whatever. Just have him also be a Transformers conspiracy theory.

Because essentially Quintessa is bringing Cybertron to Earth, which we kind of already did in the third movie. We're doing it more in this one. We're like really getting the job done. She's like slowboating it to Earth. And basically when it gets there, if she gets out and push. Oh, fuck.

I got all mud in the tires. Goddamn kids! It's a fucking melancholy thing all over again. It's very melancholy. They're going to merge together, and she's going to suck the life out of Earth, suck it back into Cybertron. Somebody's sucking something. Somebody is...

Fire when we're at here. Exactly. Exactly. Yes. Oh, Optimus Prime. Your ancient religions won't. Right, exactly. Conjure up the stolen data tapes.

Your sad devotion to that ancient religion. Yeah, exactly. The Wiccans. Yeah, exactly. So obviously it ends up being Stonehenge is what they have to like center cybatron. Oh my God. Which comes together with one of my, well, we were talking about Unicron. The second time we realize it's Unicron.

It's Anthony Hopkins, my favorite line. Anthony Hopkins looking at book like, wow, Earth is Unicron. As if he just like found a penny. Oh, didn't see that coming. Wait, now Unicron. I don't know anything about I mean it's a thing that people voiced by Orson Wells

did it It's a planet monster thing From the old show Right all right Just like Orson Wells The Planet Monster of Hollywood Oh the French champagne Tell me how to emphasize

In and in July And I'll go down on you Doing a commercial for fucking frozen peas What a disgrace So whatever I mean, like, that's all happening. We're in a summary... I directed Citizen Kade.

Sorry. It came to me and I just... I had to ruin everything. I'm sorry. Rosebud, oh, you know, Tony. Tony, Tony. Tony, Hopkins. Tony, Tony, put your phone down.

Tony, put your phone down. Stop talking. Did I watch Citizen Kade yet last night? You know Rosebud is his sled? It's his sled, bro. I'll be over here, gobbling up some more shit. That movie made me sad, bro. I mean, it was black and white.

I wouldn't be surprised in like 20 years after they're still making Transformers movies until we all die. They'll do like an old Mark Wahlberg. Oh, I love it. Oh, shit. Yo, I remade the gambler. I could do that. I can remake anything, man. Dude, it's Mark Wahlberg holding a snow globe and he's like him bad and he just goes,

Warburgers and drops it. This snow globe killed Citizen Cage. It's a decepticon It's a decepticone Oh man Instead of a snow globe Could it be a Kevin McAil jersey Could I just be holding a Kevin McAil jersey

Yes It can be your sheets Go ahead So that's coming to Earth We're in a submarine which takes forever We're having dates on this submarine We're fucking taking shits on this submarine I always wanted to direct a 20,000 Leagues

Under the Sea remake Cogman shoots himself out of torpedo tube To get tuna To make dinner And it's like Can you feel the who gives a shit? It's like I don't care The love interest thing doesn't matter in this movie

It doesn't even really go anywhere It doesn't Well that's this was where it became so crystal clear to me That nobody was like that they were just like Trying to get through this movie This is when it became crystal clear Well this is a scene It's like an hour and 10 minutes into this thing

He sets the dinner And they sit down and they like are just spewing language at each other, like, literally. It's a lot of fun improv. And just, like, over each other. And it's supposed to be charming, but it's like, there's that scene where, like, his thing, which is never really fully explained, which is Excalibur.

His thing? His talisman is going all over his body. Oh, it goes down his dick, right? It goes on his dick, man. He's wrapping it up, fucking Excalibur style. And there's nothing to indicate that he feels anything. Like, it just happens. Oh, shit.

Do you think he's got a bump? He's just got no dick down? I just mean it's not the first time a metallic device has wrapped itself around his penis. Of course, he's in angry Transformers for so long. Yo, B. How do you think those little dinosaurs got made? You want to stay in my junkyard, huh? Zip.

I guess we should mention... Get to suck a dinosaur. There are... Oh, shit, I'm getting head from a dinosaur. Oh, fuck. It sounds like a great 80s song. I always thought the mom from that dinosaur show was hot. Now it's coming true.

You're Megatron. Rub my bump. God, it's disgusting. It's all disgusting. And it's all for nothing. And we still have an hour to go. Hey, your bumblebee, I'm going to put some sugar in your tank. Oh, God.

So we finally get to where the staff is located. Again, the rest of the movie is somewhere else. We get to the staff. We find out that Vivian is the only one that can manipulate it. because she is, what's his face is Merlin's descendant So she holds in it, it turns into something That's kind of a weapon

Like Josh Dumel shows up He's shooting at them for no reason And then like all these nights start fighting Blah Blah Blah Optimus Finally reenters the movie And it's all in this underwater Like Jackie Cleese over for a fucking smoke break In the middle of a honeymoon episode

Everyone's like well what's it coming back? Yeah well we are missing when Dustin Hoffman and Queen Latifah show them Merlin's grave at the bottom of the ocean well this is an ancient alien ship ancient aliens but oh sure that's the night transformers are like frozen there waiting for oh right you know a modern night to come and take the grail or whatever oh yeah and they get yeah they get woken up yeah exactly just want to set the stage and then the big base comes up from the ocean and who gives a care and the fucking horns that they were talking about oh those we haven't even mentioned those yeah they're like you know Unicron horns, I guess Unicron's a horned beast. He's horny. Back when the earth was Pangea, which they actually bring up.

Right, because that's apparently, and now you'll probably, if you try this at home, you'll probably find out that it's wrong. That Stonehenge was the center of Pangea. Yes. And that's why they're all aiming to know. You want to know what Michael Bay wanted to do for Transformers 5 colon the last night, which it should be Crimsonor's 5 colon the last night, let everybody know what we're dealing with? He wanted to blow up a part of Stonehenge or like set up. bomb near Stonehenge for like a shot that he wanted to get? Oh like the real deal? Yeah and they were

like no no way absolutely not I was like well fine it's a lot of money I'll give you a lot of money like no it's Stonehenge and shut up also and here's the thing not just because it's like a beloved historical oddity I think people are a little afraid oh you don't want to

you know to like you wake up the goblets yeah like you don't want to fuck with that shit and all of a sudden the Titanic just arrived yeah I don't really than ever. I went to a roadside attraction in the middle of Virginia somewhere. Sounds like Stonehenge to me. Called foam hen.

Oh, I've heard of this. Let me tell you. If you're ever in wherever the fuck Virginia, you can look it up online, there's a terrible website about it. This dude has recreated what I feel is very accurate. A model of Stonehenge made out of

foam shit? It's like a scale model. Made out of discarded sex stalls. Let me tell you, dude, might as well, Ben, you get to this thing, and this is, it's such a fucking nothing story, but like, you get to this thing and there's a sign and it's like, beyond this property, you walk up this thing and there's Foamhenge. By the way, writing on this sign is the person who made this, don't vandalize it. I come out at random times with my gun and spy on people that check it out, cut to me and my wife walking up this muddy hill to see Foamhenge with the threat of being assassinated on the welcome sign. And that really sucks, because Foamhenge does sound like a great sex spot. And it's, I mean, it's fucking huge, it's creepy as shit, and then you leave immediately.

Very weird stuff. You don't get Turner Diaried. No, you definitely don't. And it's totally, that is the fucking first 15 minutes of a bad horror movie. Or a really great horror movie. I don't know. I haven't written it yet. Foamhenge, real thing, fucking terrifying.

So Anthony Hopkins takes a bow from this movie at this point. God, it's great. This is the part where I had to hold my mouth closed because people were really enjoying the movie around me. I didn't want to be a jerk. And when he bites it, it's the funny. It's a Megatron is like trying to do, he puts the staff in Stonehenge.

Correct. Hopkins is like yapping at Megatron or something. Dude, Anthony Hopkins, I'm pretty sure is saying the name Megatron. I'm sure he is. Which. Get out of here, Megatron, you big jerk. That's the exact line. And Megatron goes filthy human and blows him the fuck away.

Just a fucking hole. he gets Kelsey Grammered. It's a big explosion. You see it's like Anthony Hopkins puppet just kind of flew out of the frame. I love seeing that little thing. Shoes on the other foot. Is it not magic's Anthony Hopkins

throwing puppets everywhere? That plump pair in those pants just fucking fly into the air. It's fucking beautiful. And then like this fucking dumb robot is like watching him die. He's like, I will miss you, sir. No, no, no, no.

He does not say, I will miss you, sir. This is the most inappropriate. line for this character. Not inappropriate. Well, I think the most inappropriate line for this character was move, bitch, get out the way. That's correct. God, I can't even believe it.

I can't even believe that that made it into this movie. Anthony Hopkins is dying. His fucking intestines are like falling out of his body and this fucking robot goes of all the Whitwikins I have served. You have been the coolest. The coolest.

Like he's Chester Cheeto. Let's also mention that in this movie, Anthony Hopkins says, dude he does several times oh dude dude dude I ate that

dude's liver with some fava beans in a bottle of kianti oh shit he said it dude oh I can't believe he said it bro

and Anthony Hopkins ass be this oh I'll do it you'll pay but I'll do it and uh eh ha ha ha ha ha

I am cornholio Ian McEllen his butt hat or something I love that movie We need to do like old man butthead, right? Like, this movie needs to happen or old man beavis, whichever. Is that in, is it the movie where they do the, or maybe it's just an episode of the show where it's like Beavis and Butthead is old man. Because it's some video they really like and they just sit watching it for eternity.

Is that what it is? And it's just like it's them just like fat and bald like still sitting on the couch looking exactly the same. I'm laughing. It's Anthony Hopkins and Ian McKellon. Or, I mean, you know, Anthony Hopkins is great, but get a little surpeck. Patrick Stewart in there, keep that dynamic duo going. Yeah, if they could do waiting for Godot, they could definitely do Beemes and Buddy. He could be the little nerd friend of theirs.

Oh, Stewart? Stuart. Stuart. He's got a little bit, what was it, Winger T-Winger T-shirt? He's got the winger t-shirt. I love it. Go Photoshop that, please. Thank you.

Thank you so much. Yeah, so Anthony Hopkins bites it. He's the coolest dude of all time. We get a fight between Bumble. This is, I mean, the funny thing is the trailer makes, obviously, big surprise, makes this movie look, seems so much more epic. You think there's this huge fight between Bumblebee and Prime,

and there's really not. No, not at all. And he gets, like, Bumblebee, like, gets on top of him, and his voice box magically works. And he's like, oh, oh, hey there, Optimus Prime. You remember me? It's your space buddy, Bumblebee. Let me just stop. Oh, God, I was doing stupid radio shit for like 10 years.

Hey, Optimus, how's it gone? I have not heard your voice, that day on Cybertron. Yeah, he, like, it turns him immediately. Oh, my God. Is he crying? No, no. No. No. I mean, they can bleed. They can cry. Well, the, the

Bowie streak goes out. It vanishes. Immediately. That's like a rust stain. Are you kidding me? I am no longer in a glam rock band. The spiders from Mars have gone. It's so, yeah, he's just like,

oh, we are good. You are my best. friend, Bubblebee. Oh, bubblebee. And you would think Cybertron has a better way of fucking killing the earth than essentially hoeing it to death.

Yeah. It's just like dragging these big pieces of shit across the fucking... Tony Hill explains it's going to turn us into a microwave or some shit. Oh yeah, and we're going to pop.

What's great is Tony Hale has this big epic monologue about like this is how you fucking save the day and it fails instantly. He wants to do, so basically, the idea is like Josh Dumill gets everybody in a helicopter and we're going to go on top of the thing and now that we have the no that what's her face has the staff we're going to take Vivian's going to

take the staff back and then we're going to save the day and they're like oh but also we'll just shoot tactical nukes like right in their face like literally they're inches away from these tactical nukes yeah and everyone's like wow that sucks oh look at them go um Isabella stows away on this helicopter welcome back to the movie after two hours and I'm just like you're fucking kidding me. You got to be kidding me. Also, Carmichael, how'd you let this little girl out of your side? He had other things to do, man. He had to fucking make sure hound was okay, although he's there too. He's taken care of baby dinosaurs as well. That's true. He's got a lot of things to worry about. Yeah, I mean, like, yeah, she stows away her and her buddy. The only thing that she actually

does in this movie is a big gun that causes a lot of problems that she kind of encourages the little buddy to blow it up. Is she like, well, she fixes his little squeaks there because like his arm gets ripped off and uh you can tell this movie wasn't working for me because it's a cute robot getting maimed and I didn't tear up I was hoping he was going to die I was gonna laugh my fucking ass this yeah this guy he's kind of cute but it doesn't work in a wally way just like a fucking annoying his balls way no no no I was betting on red with this one so yeah this little guy's got like his cool like gun arm now and he goes up and it turns into it's like this little arm and he

goes up to this thing, he's like, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then it's like, crock, and it turns into this huge thing, and he shoots something. This is R2D2 in the prequels. Yeah, totally. Like, the little thing, she's even like, they're not going to notice you. Like, you get over there, nobody's going to pay attention to you. Eric, this, this theory's fucking coming together, dude. No, bro, you just blew my mind. It's just pieces of Star Wars. This leads to my favorite. So Optimus Prime defeats the Minotaur guys. Like, do you know my fucking name? Oh, that guy. Oh, that guy. Optimus Prime, like, goes away for a while, even after this, and, like, comes back, and he leads to my favorite line in the whole movie.

And it's not even that funny, but it's just funny the way he says it is he finds the cave into Quintess's lair, and he's like, Vivian, get in here. Vivian, I've been leading on my horn outside. Where are you? Vivian, Vivian, we're missing the movie. Get your ass out here. Emma Stone, you have to go to that audition. Vivian, we have theater tickets. Vivian, get in here. Vivian, we made these reservations months ago. Vivian, it's your father.

We're seeing him. I didn't agree to it, Vivian. I didn't agree to any of it, Vivian. And you want to do it. And you're driving. I fucking asked you where you wanted to do Christmas and this is what you answered with

don't back out now Vivian you always fucking do this every fucking holiday is the same round of horse shit from Vivian well great now you've ruined Transformer Christmas again Vivian I hope you're happy

what is Transformer Christmas the day after it's just the 26th. Because it's... Oh, fuck. Oh, Vivian. It just got me the right way, man.

You hear that one. They go down there and Vivian takes the staff from Quintessa. Quintessa is distracted by Prime who's kind of given this monologue and Bubblebee blows her away from behind and bumblebee. There's some... What's the catchphrase here? Because this

This got a fucking round of applause. Oh, a catch phrase? Bumblebee's like, oh, sting like a B or something like that. Yeah, I think he's a sting like a B. Does he do? It's the Muhammad Ali line. Yeah, but he doesn't say float like a butterfly. He just blows her away and he goes, sting like a B.

Oh, your theater erupted in applause. By that, I mean, the one guy down in front of him might have been jerking off the whole time. I'm coming. Who might have also been homeless. Man, that's really stupid. Yeah. Was it?

But it wasn't the, it was his actual voice? Yeah, because he can just talk now. He can just talk now, Chris. He just changed his mind. Because earlier he was a grave robin with J.T. Walsh pickup. They do a J.T. Walsh pickup, and I almost fucking lost it. Oh, really? What is that? When he has his gun pointed at somebody, he's like, I will burn your ass from like,

bu, but, but, but, but, but that is J.T. Walsh from Good Morning, Vietnam. Oh, shit. When he gets up in Robin Williams' face is like, don't fuck with me. He said, I will burn your ass like, you don't. Vivian, pause. Good morning, Vietnam. I have to go to the bathroom. Vivian! Bumblebee will like this one. You know what? You're fine. Just go to the bathroom. Vivian, this looks like shit. Is this a standard definition DVD?

I fucking asked you, Vivian, to not rent standard death anymore. This is a high definition household. It's full frame on top of that. Four by three, really? Don't pause it, Vivian. I'm going to go to the bathroom and fucking throw. up at this standard definition good morning Vietnam DVD what am I doing with

my life with you in it Vivian Vivian get in here it's kind of not a good movie not particularly so they win the day Wow that's crazy Cybertron is still connected

to Earth at the end of this Yeah figure out how to remove that shit That's the thing Optimus Prime is like hey everybody It's kind of Earth is getting a little cooler Earth is getting a little cooler because not only that, I'm pretty sure

if I looked at these bad CGI graphics properly, Cybertron coming to Earth totally destroyed the moon. Yeah, it's kind of, yeah. And what are we, I mean, what are we talking about as far as like, the tides?

I mean, Earth's axis, the rotation. What are we doing? I bet you they will rebuild the moon before they rebuild Chicago. Oh, you know what? We can't rebuild soldiers. your field, but that fucking moon, that'll be fixed in six months. There'll be enough scraps of

Cybertron in orbit that the tides will stay the same. Oh, no, maybe that's a good way to make that. Or maybe Merlin will just say it. Are you in the writer's room, man? I wish, man. Fucking park the money truck up to my house. Oh, God.

Yeah, and that's just, I mean, that's another one of those like, if you're out there, Autobot, come on in. Stop. The water's still fine. Stop inviting other robots. There's too many robots. And also, like, why does he need to invite all these robots?

There's so many fucking robots that are on Earth that we didn't see get there, like fucking Mohawk and all those dudes. Party on Earth. I am digging a pool right now. I'm going to be the most popular boy at prom. What with my man-made pool? Come along, Sam Witwiki's dragon his corpse. The original Wickwicky was Brendan Frickie. was Brendan Fraser

Oh yeah totally Yeah link dude Wheeze the juice Wheeze that fucking juice Vivian Vivian god damn it I told you at 630 I wanted to munch on some grindage

And now I have to grease the Duback That's actually a great cartoon short I'd like to make Is Optimus Prime stars In greasing the doo bag Honestly if they do another one of these stupid movies. You're dumb enough as

it is. I mean, get Polly short a duo of Transformer. That has so much fun. That'd be so much fun. It would be fun. I would be fun. I would actually be like, oh, cool. You know what? You can voice one, like, the little one that's talking about how he wants to fuck all the cars on Jared Carmichael's fucking thing. Oh, this guy's like, is this an

Autobot porn site? And I'm like, can I leave? Yeah. Can I leave? But yeah, you can get Polly Shore on for one of that thing. Or, I mean, we're starting with, I mean, starting with T.J. Miller, we have this grand tradition of stand-up comedians being

in these movies, just have Pauly be the guy. And being incinerated. Yeah, he could get incinerated if you want. And you know, if he's not available, I'm sure Gallagher is. Oh, he's certainly available. Gallagher's definitely available. Sabalba? I don't. I don't know. This might be the one case where

Subalba might be indisposed. Well, Stephen, I don't own Sabalba anymore. You've got to talk to fucking that mouse. So talk to that mouse about subalba. He'll do whatever. I don't give a shit. I don't give a shit, Stephen. Man, I was reading a Star Wars comic the other day,

and a Doug showed up or whatever the fuck they're called, Dig, Dig, Doug? Dig, Doug? The classic video game? What is Subalba's race? Oh, I have no. What? You're really asking. Anyway.

We're the ones that are supposed to ask you that. Anyway, a Sebalba showed up, and I got so angry. Wait, wait, a subalba is talking to Han Solo right now. All right. All right. I guess that's what we're doing. It might be time to put that one down. No, it was pretty good.

Did anyone see the stinger scene? I mean, it's kind of immediately as the credit starts. There's like three credits and then there's a stinger scene. I think I ran to the bathroom again. I don't know. I don't remember now. What was it? It is the actress who played Quintessa, who I'm going to get.

Gemma Chan. Gemma Chan is in like a hood. And she's near, like, one of the Unicron horns. Oh, right. And she's talking to some guy, and she's like, I can show you how to destroy Unicron. And, like, there's, like, a little face. Like, you can tell it's still Quintessa or whatever.

Right. She doesn't really die. It's like the Babe Bot from number two. Yes, which we do, we do actually. I was going to say that at some point in this movie, don't remember where I don't care. There is a fucking motorcycle with a fake person on it. Yes, a hologram.

Yeah. Oh, wait. And Megatron just kind of goes away. He's like, goodbye movie. I'm Frank Welker. Yeah, he doesn't get killed or anything. It is, I find it a little funny that Gimichan, also her main role, the one that she's known for, is playing an android in humans.

Well, did you know that the guy who played, did you know, the guy who played King Arthur, played King Arthur on fucking once upon a time? Like, these movies are one to one. Oh, man. It is one to one. That's stupid. Wait, so was this, was the woman supposed to be the robot? Yes, she's like, in human form.

Yeah, or like, no fucking foolish. It was like a flash. on her that you could tell that she was saying. Oh, right. And she had the same voice, so you kind of have to assume. Oh, yeah. I was... All right. Great. All right. All right. Me and my pen didn't pick that up. Also, but that

would fit in with your Star Wars, your robes, your emperor robes. Robe in a desert? Robs in a desert. Thank you, Chris. Robs in a desert is my band. Max von Schaidoz. Oh, yeah. Vivian. Where the

fuck did you put my Max von Sondon I know's album. No, not that one. Robs in a van. I can't find anything in this house, Vivian. Vivian, get in here. I guess it didn't work out with Cade Yeager. No, no, not at all.

Yeah, whatever. Yeah, that's fine. Cade Yeager calls that little 14-year-old bro. And then she's like, yeah, bro, and they, like, fist bump. And little J-Lo. Yeah, we shouldn't let go. Yeah, he does call her Little J-Lo because she's like, you know, Latina. So that's cool.

That is? You know what? That's pretty cool. That's pretty cool. Man, fuck this movie and hey, we're done. We're done. We don't ever clap for ourselves. No, but that's it.

Now we do. Now we do, bro. Every episode we're going to end with it. That's right. It's been a real slog. It's been a real drag. I didn't think we'd make it. I mean, Chris, you know, checked out pretty early, fucking coward.

fucking cow I will say a lot of people these have been successful people really like these on the I mean some people didn't like them which is fine but a lot of people

a lot more people tuned in and if you're a new fan stick around we got cool stuff coming up totally so would anybody recommend this movie

for formality's sake? No no no no it's I mean I do think quintess is kind of cool looking I do like the idea of bad Optimus Prime there's stuff rattling around in here

that is okay but it's a mess and it's the messiest one I mean, we're all not recommending this, right? No, but at the same time, I'm going to drop something right now. Are we doing rankings? We got to do rankings. We'll do rankings.

We'll do rankings. I guess so, all right, I'm starting off the ranking thing. I'll say, listen, based on all the data that's come in about our complaints for these movies, if you're just going by the numbers, as far as I'm concerned, this is the best Transformers movie. I agree with you. And here's why. Because to what Steve said, it's correct. It's a total mess. Nothing makes sense.

I actually tweeted when I came out of the theater. I'm not sure what I saw is real. But from what we've been complaining about, the biggest complaint, every movie after every movie, this one subverts that. This movie is majorly just robots fighting. The humans are totally thrown away. So that was one complaint we had.

Also, the second complaint, which is all four of those first movies, is our whole gag about 75-9-11's city destruction 9-11 porn it doesn't happen in this movie we're above the sky because we fucking pulled Stonehenge out of the ground or whatever the else fuck it doesn't make sense it is stupid don't get me wrong

but we're not destroying cities we're up we're doing a lot of in space we're fucking underwater in this thing like it at least to me it was stupid as fuck but it felt way different than the four movies of the exact same here's some robots we got

a thing and now a city fell apart. You're also not getting as much of the fetishizing of the military. The military is kind of flawed in this movie. Yeah, and then they just get wiped out, which is kind of weird. But yeah, that's not in there. Yeah, we're not flying the flag in this movie. It's just a really

stupid movie. I don't even know if America exists anymore. That's kind of a problem. Nobody knows. Okay. So your ranking? Number one. So, I mean, so yeah, for me, I guess it would be like 5-4-1-3-2. Okay. That's me.

Eric. Yeah, I think 5-3-1-4-2. Okay. I think I'm 5-3-1-4-2. I'm an outlier here. And I'm not trying to be cool. I'm not trying to be too cool for the room. For once.

Do it. Do it. Do it. My ranking is number one. It is the shortest of these movies. It is the most coherent in scope in kind of... Five. It's just kind of coherent.

You know what I mean? It makes sense as a movie even though it's really bad. It does make sense. You can follow it. One, three, because it's the best cast. You know, you got a really strong cast, you Malcovich. You got Chituro a lot. You got Frandy McDormon in there.

You got your Nimoy. You got your Nimoy in that. And you got like really good robot violence. I love Iron Hyde's death. Five, this movie actually tamps down the robot violence. There's robot fighting, but like, robot. Fats' faces aren't getting ripped off and shit. Then four and then two.

Yeah. One five, one three, five, four two. There it is. It makes sense. That's also my bank code

in case you ever steal my ATM card. And, and mind you, we had to skip over like so much, like you would have to see this movie six times, which nobody will ever do. No. No.

You know what? Someone will really catch all of these lines. People will catch it all. People will see this movie. They will buy this on DVD. But ranking these movies, it's like, oh,

would you rather your loved one die from slow, terrible cancer or shot in the head by a burglar. It's like, well, you know, at least with the cancer, you know, like I could say goodbye to them, they could do their bucket list, but it's slow and it's painful and I have to watch their dignity, et cetera.

But the shot in the head with a burglar, it's quick, it's almost painless, but then, you know, all this unresolved shit and I have someone to hate, like it all sucks, and at the end of it all sucks. Yeah, I'd pick option three, my loved one stomped to death by a transforming. Vivian, this is what you get.

No. That's Transformers, colon the last night, directed by Michael Bay. If you want more We Hate Movies, check out WHMpodcast.com or find us over on the Headgum Network. Rate and review the show, wherever you get it, we would greatly appreciate it. Our Patreon, patreon.com slash we hate movies. We're getting close to the season finale of We Hate Movies.

Just a couple weeks left, but we will be producing new content for the Patreon throughout the month of August. So if you want more WHM, we'll be doing reruns on this main feed, but there will be new Nexus. new animation damnation all out there ready to rock and roll Patreon.com slash we hate movies like us on Facebook and find us on Twitter as well at WHM podcast of course and next week on the program what are we doing we're taking the skies next week I think we are I think we're doing a little

movie called Air Force One oh shit which is kind of a WLM a little bit it's a little bit of a WLM for what I remember on the recording yeah is Gary Oldman in that movie bro yeah he's eaten by pigs at the end. Harrison Ford throws him out of the plane and it lands on food. He plays a fake news reporter. That's William H. Macy. So until next week, when we hop aboard Air Force One, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadeh. Chris Cabin. Eric Cisketron.

Take it easy, Vivian. That was a hate gum podcast.