We Hate Movies - S7 Ep312: Episode 312 - Spider-Man 3

Episode Date: July 25, 2017

On this week's episode, the seventh season of We Hate Movies wraps up with a lengthy discussion of the total misfire that is Spider-Man 3! Why try and jam in three villains when the first two films only had one a piece? Why does Peter Parker continue to be such an absolute LOSER? And why does Thomas Haden Church only say variations on three different sentences? PLUS: Jeremy Renner and Mickey Mouse present together at the Academy Awards! Spider-Man 3 stars Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst, James Franco, Thomas Haden Church, Topher Grace, Bryce Dallas Howard, Rosemary Harris, J.K. Simmons, James Cromwell, Bill Nunn, Dylan Baker, Bruce Campbell, Ted Raimi, and Elizabeth Banks; directed by Sam Raimi. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Now on today's program, my oh my, as time flies by. This is the season finale of We Hate Movies Talking. Ooh, Spider-Man 3. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadek. Chris Cabin. Eric Spideka.

That sucks. Spider-ca. Someone on Twitter told me to do that. All right, start the show. Hello everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in. As always, this is indeed the last one of the season, gang. The Big One, Spider-Man 3 from 2007, directed by Sam Ramey. This has been like one of the most requested episodes. I think Twitter went apeshit when we sort of announced that this was coming out.

Absolutely. And by the way, speaking of Twitter, remember, if you ever make a bad joke, somebody on Twitter told you to say that, just to know. Oh, no, I know. I can find the timestamp on this. Senator, I want to see those tweets. All right, we're recording this at 6.57 p.m. on Wednesday, July 12th, I want to see those fucking times stamps. But his emails, yeah, Spider-Man 3! Who saw this in theaters?

Oh, yeah. This is a Kaufman Astoria, baby. Oh, is that right? I think it premiered there, right? Or they had some screen there because it's all. like, hey, Astoria Queens. It's kind of like Spider-Man Land. I read this.

It actually, it premiered at the Tribeca Film Festival. Oh, boy. It's very strange. They showed some Ramey Spider-Man movie at the Kaufman Astoria. It might not have been, it might not have been like a first premiere. Oh, sure.

Well, he did two others, you know. Andrew, that's what you should do. You work at the Jacob Burm's Film Center in Westchester, the X-Men live in Westchester. Have a big X-Men thing. Oh, fuck. Hey, Fox, are you listening to that shit? I know you're planning three more of them there, movies,

setting them in the 90s. Can your theater house all the generations of all the different X-Men? Because they're all coming. Oh, yeah. We'll get them all on stage. All the timelines, too. Do you have accessibility seating for the blob or no?

Oh, yeah, no, it's fine. We have armless chairs. You're going to need like 16. I thought you were going to say for Professor. That's what I know. We're also true. Well, actually, there's a lot of accessibility seating needed because they're of diverse group.

They're mostly disabled. They're mostly different and disabled. Right, right. But like, wondrous in other ways. Oh, that's right. We have accessible seating for half Japanese girls that shoot fireworks out of their hands. Don't worry about it.

Your problem child, though, is going to be multiple man. Yeah, you know what? He only gets so many comps. Yeah, you got two butt cheeks. That's all you get multiple man. That's it. But this is me too. and this is me too

you think he's trying to get like seven people on one ticket no that's just expensive oh I guess yeah then you can just yeah oh you just walk out to go to the bathroom hand them the ticket and then that one goes back in I would love to be multiple men at the movies because then I could actually save a seat

you know what I mean like oh wait oh you gotta go to the bathroom boom there's another one of lease in here now so that you know you can make an invisible donut of just you oh my god a me donut that's what I want Take a bite.

This, Spider-Man 3 is probably one of my top 10 movie disappointments. Like, really just up there, X-Men 3, The Last End as well. But this was like a real deal disappointment. Because I love that Spider-Man too. I do also. I think... And I loved it even more than. I still...

No, actually, I might like it more now, I'm not sure. Did we all re-watch these movies, all of them? Yeah. Because I did, yeah. Yeah, I did the re-watch. The scripts for these movies. Even though, like, I do like the idea of two. I'm the opposite of you. Like, these didn't hold up for me.

I don't think it's better than when I last saw it. But I remember at the time being like, well, this is the best superhero movie ever made. It was at the time, I think. Yeah. I mean, other than Batman Returns, which I'll get into a fight with everybody later. You'll be fighting dads on August 5th. But other than that, Spider-Man 2 was at the time the best superhero movie. Even like Roger Ebert was like this movie is like a fantastic like four star film.

It's got it's got an arc, you know what I mean? Like it's one, it's really specific about what it's trying to do. You know what I mean? You got Toby doing his stuff. And you're like, oh man, and now they're doing all this stuff. And then the stuff starts to come out. And it's like, oh, Sandman. Yeah, sure.

Okay. Yeah, I can get excited for Sandman. Did you see the thing on the Tribune about how Ramey and McGuire like teamed up and they're like, we are going to do Sandman. And I'm like, who gives this shit about Sandman? No one ever has. Who could possibly care? Because I don't, as we all know, historically, I don't know much about comics in the printed

form, but he's not like, he was never a big deal. I mean, he's a villain. I mean, Spider-Man's got, you got a lot of fucking, you've got 12 common books a year. You're going to have a villain every issue. Well, I mean, I know he farted around on the cartoon quite a bit, which I watch. But like, yeah, as far as like selecting him for a movie, it was like. Never one of the top. He was always a second streamer.

Oh, right. Electro, that was the top. No, no, no. The one that they've always fucking evaded, and it's pissed me off for years now is Mysterio. Oh, yeah. They should have been doing him for a lot. He looks cool. He's got a mask. He's got like a crystal ball for a head, essentially.

Oh, I like that. That's nice. Yeah. They actually said if there was a Spider-Man 4 and or 5, Mysterio would have been one of the villains, played by Bruce Campbell. He would have gotten the nod. Fucking finally, going beyond these cameos that he debases himself in. I like the first

two cameos. This one's really obnoxious and embarrassing. When I re-watched these movies, number one, I loved when it came out. I just liked now. And then number two, I thought it was kind of dull back then, and I still think that way. Okay, really? Yeah. I thought

the first one when I saw it in the theater, it was kind of just like a shrug. I was like, this is cool, but the first X-Men movie was better. And that's where my head was at at the time. And then the second one, I was like, holy fuck. That's great. And it is, it's still, it's still good. Malina's really, like, great.

Like, you know what I mean? He's selling it. But what was killing me, though? That script, though, there's that scene where he goes to interview Doc Ock, like, at his lab. And this son of a bitch is talking to him about, like, you got to read women poetry. Here's how I fell in my, fell in love with my wife. I was like, I could not give a flying. You know what? When I watched that scene again this time, I was like, is Dr. Octopus Anglin for a threesome with this kid?

Like you've got like your sexy wife. For sure. No, we'll do the interview. We'll have coffee. Oh, you want to drink, Peter? Peter. What do you think the motivation for developing those hands were? Because that's the weird thing that you sort of don't remember about that movie.

He's got two projects going at the same time. One is his like, it's the new form of energy that's going to change how we live on this planet. And then also these fucking arms that have a mind of their own. Codename the Gropotron. Yeah. I mean, what do you think? Those things were four. My biggest problem with Doc Ock in that movie is that an inhibitor chip breaks

on the back of the spine, that makes them go nuts? Yeah. What is he fucking data? I just did. You know, it's a comic book I shouldn't judge. But overall, that's a really, we all kind of agree those are good to really good movies. I will sign off. I will add my signature to that.

Ramping up to this third movie where they tell, they, they put the blood in the by saying Venom's going to be in it. Yes. That's like a mighty thing to throw out. So you have to do it right. They do not do it right. It's literally the opposite of doing it right. They do it wrong.

You're wrong. You go to Mashaloo Parkway in the Bronx, man. You say Venom and you can see five guys with Venom t-shirts. Yeah, it's my favorite villain! That's what I was going to say. Now, I was so excited when they announced Venom, not because I was a Spider-Man comic reader, but because I saw a lot of T-shirts in 1990.

I'm like, they're finally doing it. I'm going to see a t-shirt come to life. You'll believe a t-shirt can fly. In the years since, have you seen less and less t-shirts? Yes, I think so. They were replaced by Deadpool t-shirts.

All those dudes that were wearing Venom T-shirts, those got chocked out for Deadpool T-shirts. Anti-hero to anti-hero, man. You've got to switch it around. And I could not give less of a shit. I mean, we'll get to him in a little bit. So opening credit, It's one of these, like, previously on Spider-Man, and you're watching, like, bad clips from those other two movies, just like, ugh.

You're also getting that, the computer, Blackblood, that it looks like a Peter Gabriel video, and I was expecting a to come in and dance a little bit, but no, it looks like absolute shit. These movies never got that opening credit sequence, and it's also because they were just aping how the X-Men movies opened. I also think the music in all three of these movies is pretty bad. I think that it's really over the top. Elfman does not need to be anywhere near these movies. No. You think you're going to watch it a Batman movie. You're like, oh, it's like, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-la-da-la-da-la-la-la.

Yeah, I got it. My wife said during the opening credits, she's like, this music is giving me anxiety. And I don't need like this swooping score for fucking Thomas Hayden's true. Exactly. I mean, the man is made from wood. Here's a question. The first two movies are super of their time, like really, really, really. of their time. And this one for

some reason exists in like a Dick Tracy world where like all the cops have like weird like you know hats on all the time and like police police caps. I noticed like it just seems very like even more cartoony than the other ones. Yeah. I don't think you are

and I think it's just because like and all the disco shit. Oh God. Because these movies get more cartoonish as they go on. Yeah. And this is just silly town. And It's that thing where, like, and it's all ramy, because, like, you watch that first Evil Dead movie, there's some, like, comedy in it. Then you get that second one, it's a fucking flat-out horror comedy, which is, I mean,

Evil Dead Two is an amazing movie. Army of Darkness, it's still very silly. Like, so that's, it's that. And that's why I hate those Bruce Campbell cameos, too. I'm like, it doesn't fucking belong here. It's already silly enough that there's a guy fucking swinging around on webs that come out of his wrists and a dude made of sand. I mean, I like that they doubled down on silly kind of

because what else is it? I think it's just they stuffed this movie so full of shit that you have no time to actually meditate on anything in this movie. So it has to be a cartoon. What else is it going to be? Every plot point just gets like skipped over, skipped over, skipped over, we're going to the next thing. Also, Ramey didn't want to do Vennam.

And I think that this is like a weird thing where like the first two movies were like successful and both financially and critically and then they like kind of like the studio wouldn't shut up like usually you give the guy the third movie like Nolan's Dark Night Rises it's entirely for better and for worse

all Nolan nonsense you know what I mean like it's not like some studio being like well you know Venom sold really well in the comics so we're selling a lot of Venom T-shirts these days well that's the problem it's like the first movie's got one villain the second movie has one villain correct me from wrong I might have

No, that's just one of one. I mean, it's just doesn't Goblin kind of come in towards the, or is he just realized it at the end? He's just kind of thinking, am I going to be green Goblin? Am I not going to be Green Goblin? But this movie has three villains, right? Yes. Goblin 2.0. Right. Is that Hobgoblin? No, they've referred to him as new

goblin. I've been calling him Hobgoblin. Was that not a thing? Is he a different person? It's a different villain also called Hobgob. He's like more yellow in color. Well, James Franco is more yellow than Will I'm the that's just jaundice it's just the filter on the camera

well then you got Sandman and Venom and it's just too much it's way too and you're you're starting three villains like yeah and the Harry stuff is like it's in the first two movies so like you don't have to spend so much time on it but clearly that's what everybody was most interested in who was making this movie but we should not be in a third movie situation and I'm still seeing a fucking glider floating around like a

snowboard glider you better believe it it's God yeah it's the fucking X games of the Marvel Universe. So we start with Mary Jane's Broadway musical, which looks atrocious, which is called Manhattan Memories. Did I get that right? And there's like, honest to goodness chorus girls? And I'm like, what the fuck year is this? You could go, they got shit on Broadway right now like that, right? What was, there's this Chicago? Sure. And then there was something else.

Oops, I farted. There's always that like, oh, no, the play that can't go right or whatever is going on right now. There's always like a revival of some like old hat thing that you're just like, I don't care about this. Did you check that script and take out all the racism? No. But whatever the fuck she's in. Let's hire an actual Asian actor for hop hop.

You know, the character that everybody loves to just play hop hop. Man, I forgot how weird Spider-Man turn off the dark. was. Oh, shit, man. I saw that and I saw it. In the theater. I was not saying it. Where else could you see it? Broadway theater. How was that? I did not see that. Did Spider-Man die during your production? I saw the, I saw the

first version of it because it was in previews and then they like revamped it and took it away from Julie Tameur. And it was weird. It's bad. It's got like, it's very much that first movie down to the really bad green goblin costume. Oh, that exact thing is that exact

costume. It looks like that Power Ranger villain. I didn't mind it. When you saw it on Broadway? No, no, no, no. The, no. The, uh, the, uh, Willem DeFoe's costume. It's all right. I noticed actually watching it in high depth that you can see his eyeballs through it, which I'd never noticed before. So that kind of made it easier to

watch this time. It's fine. I think it's after seeing the test footage of the other one. Yeah. I'm like, that should have been the thing that because that was much more. It did look good. It was like a latex max. Yeah, like a weird animatronic. You can move. And that was the comics like this dude would just put on a fucking latex man. Yeah, like he was

a real fucking creep and like, yeah, I don't know. Then you know what, you know, if they were going to do that in the first movie, they would have to definitely at least show one or two scenes of Willemdafo jerking off in a theater. You know? Like he has to be a real weirdo. They've been doubled down on that weirdness because like... Is he wearing the mask

wilst jerking off? Oh, that's interesting. Everybody come, everyone comes in with a package under their arm. You can find me at the AMC empire. doing the business now dig for the popcorn avenge me

oh yeah avenge my masturbation there's no reason for him to be in this and he's in it and I fucking hate it as a mirror ghost no he's not even in a mirror he's fucking just standing in front of James Franco well yeah but he's in the mirror for a while and there's that great Willem Defoe painting

which I kind of want I do want that wall-sized painting of Willembourg that should replace the cream posters in dorms. And maybe it has. Nobody, no fucking college kid knows what Seinfeld is these days. No, they do. Of course. People love it. Is that right? It's on the Hulu, man. Are you... The 90s

are back. Are you like a 17-year-old kid watching Seinfeld? More than likely. You think so? Yeah, because... You're probably just finding out about it at 17. It's got to be like a fucking alien coming to Earth. You don't understand any of the references. Well, I'll fucking catch up because a senior man at my office.

Uh-huh. I overheard. He was a top man. And he's got a daughter who's 20 love Seinfeld. Yeah, they're out there. That's weird. The truth is out there. I figure you're watching it and they're like, why is everybody calling him on that phone?

Who the hell is Saddam Hussein? Keith Hernandez. Those things are all relevant. And then you would ask your parents, you were like, what, did everyone drive around in New York? And the 90s, like, no, they didn't. Nobody had cars. No, nobody had cars.

No one's ever had cars in Manhattan. Sorry. So, like, the beginning of the movie, he's like, wow, G. Willickers, it sure is fun being Spider-Man. And he's like, sure I don't have a downfall at some point. He's a fucking turd. A baby. He's a fucking baby.

Throughout this movie, I can't fucking stand it. Especially this movie, but throughout all the Peter Parker is a fucking turd. This Peter Parker, specifically, is such like a golly jeesh motherfucker. Like, he'll, like, he'll, just stand in the middle of a street blank, wow, that's great. You were not from Queens. You are not from Queens. He's so not from Queens.

He's so not from Queens. He's so not from Earth. I mean, like, talk about fucking aliens, man. I also, I mean, I don't like the idea, and this happens in the second movie. I hate this notion that, like, the whole world is against him. Yeah. Like, you can be a nerd and unpopular in school and whatever, but there's the scene where, like, as a fucking college-aged adult, he's going to see his girlfriend in a brooky. Broadway play and he stops off

to get her flowers and it's this gag of like he buys a bouquet of flowers the fucking bodega owner looks at it like the money that he gave him and then takes a bunch of flowers back fucking fuck you well that is so fucking stupid things have prices and if you can't get

if you don't reach the top the price of the thing they don't give you any of it you're not going to get one M&M I've tried no it's like an M&M lucy Oh, man. No, they'll kill you for that. But it was like, it's like a Buster Keaton bit or something. It is.

It doesn't belong. It has no fucking place in a superhero movie. But bring you back right before that, in Columbia, you know, at Columbia, he's getting spitballs. That's in my notes. He's getting spitballs. There's a dude, there's a dude refracting light into his eye with a mirror. What the fuck are you talking about?

I'm like, excuse me. By the way, we're in a pre-doctorate program. program at Columbia. Could you stop? Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. This is costing me $80,000 a year. Can you not shoot spitballs at me? Because you're paying it too. And what year was this? I mean, he should be...

2007. Oh, man. Well, Columbia, like, Facebook started unrolling in the Ivy League's first. So you should have focused on cyberbullying. Oh, right. Yeah, because then maybe Peter Parker would have killed himself. Then Miles Morales could have come in. That'd be cool. I don't know if he was invented in 2007. No, I think he's like closer to 2010. Oh, I see.

guess. Yeah. Um, so yeah, uh, Harry, by the way, is just at, it's just at the, uh, what do you call it? Is it at the play? He's in rich people's seats. He's like creepy, like, smiling at her. And then like, here's my question. Do Peter and MJ talk ever? No. They're dating. We don't know if they have sex. We don't, there's no, no, I guess not. Nope. He praises her an awful lot. That's kind of it. Well, because it's like he's so desperate to hang on to this girl that he's been eerily obsessed with since high school. That it's like, oh, it's just all about you, MJ. You're just the best, MJ.

Oh, golly G, MJ, it'll get better. Maybe when we're married, I'll be on the pedestal too. Oh, MJ, when you left your shoe here the other day, I lost it. Just can't find it. I cannot find that shoe you left in my apartment, MJ. I'm sorry. Oh, MJ, wait a second. I'll be right back.

Oh, shoes. Oh, actually, I found the shoe, but the soul is missing. Peter, is this is this spider webs or human webs? Oh, yeah. But my question is like, why aren't you the first thing

like, oh, by the she finds out he's Spider-Man in the second movie, be like, by the way. And she's always like, oh, that Harry, he's great. Like, oh, yeah, I guess I'd be great too if my dad was a green goblin. Like, wait, what? Like, I would say that immediately. Yeah, totally.

A for gossip and B for safety. Like, you know what I mean? Like, that's, da-da-da-da. You tell, you tell, you tell, partner everything. Exactly. You know what I mean? And like, that's a pretty big thing. Hey, our friend who I kind of don't like it anymore, and you don't know why. I murdered his dad, who also happened to be the Green Goblin, if you'll recall that. Remember, you remember that time you were like on that balcony and that shit fucking exploded and then I saved you? Remember how bad

he was? I mean, he killed some defense contractors. Remember that awkward Thanksgiving we had? Yeah, that guy was the Green Goblin. Boy, oh boy, is that awkward as that's as awkward as it gets that Thanksgiving scene in part one holy shit but she's she doesn't know so she's at risk this entire movie like and they don't say anything about it so uh he goes

to Aunt May to ask for a wedding ring we have to talk about fucking Ben Parker like he walked on fucking water he doesn't he doesn't go there to ask for that ring he goes there just to be like hey Aunt May I'm going to ask MJ to marry me and then after that fucking Ben Parker

post death blowjob sob story about how saintly that guy was. She's like, here, take this. I just spent 10 minutes telling you the story of our engagement. That's why this movie is two hours and 17 minutes. I've heard about a

ghost giving a blowjob, but a ghost getting a blowjob? So you haven't seen the director's cut of The Frighteners. Oh, man. Yeah, Michael J. Fox got up to some weird shit and that director's good. All right, now it's, it's like a reverse ghost busters, the frighteners, right?

So, what if a ghost gets a blowdrow? It's me, Peter Jackson. All right, Jake, it's coming from you. Jake Busey's the ghost. You'll get me. Michael J. Fox, Michael, you want to get down there? We're going to be flipping the script. Flipping it.

Dude, if this exists, someone hooked me up, man. Well, certainly, everyone's going to remember the frightness. No, and I'll forget this paranormal comedy. Dan Eckroyd's going to step on a marshmallow. everyone will get it. I remember liking the Frighteners. I like that movie quite a bit. Yeah, but so he gets this ring

and then Harry attacks him dressed like the X games as we've discussed. And it just this scene... I don't mind the spider action in this movie, actually. It's pretty good. You can see... Oh, you texted last night about the CGI.

The CGI is the worst. The CGI is pretty bad. I don't think so. I don't know. All the spider manning, I think it's totally fine. I'm kind of on your page here because I felt like the Transformers movies looked worse. No, I mean, I actually think that it's good until the end

until there's too much CGI going on. That's, yeah, that's true. The Harry and him fight is fine because it's a lot of green screen and a lot of like whatever. I actually really like the Peter Parker versus Harry fight because it was, I thought it was interesting to see Peter Parker fight with Spider-Man powers without being a suit. Yeah, that is pretty cool.

You don't see that often. It's a very big thing in the comics. He'll be walking up around. And it's a pretty good suit. But also, he is walking around in this suit without the mask on, a whole fucking bunch in this movie. He really does not get a shit anymore. Steve was talking about the suit that he was wearing in the theater. But no, but I agree with you.

I mean, that's kind of the problem with all of these movies. And we'll get to Venom, the same deal. It's like, you pay for this actor. Well, you got to see the actor. Well, it's like, well, that's what Deadpool shows you don't have to do. Like, we're there for Ryan Reynolds, but we're hearing him. He's doing it. It's fine.

And the costume's cool, man. And also, I fucking hate faces. anyway. Toby Maguire's face specific. It's a real punchable face. This one, man, this guy looks awful. Well, he's 35 years old. Like, what the fuck do you want? Oh, my God. Thirty-five years old playing a Sprightly 20. I know. It's crazy. I mean, I don't know if he's 35, but he's older than he's playing. He's older than Star Wars. That's for sure. But it's like, it's like, you know, yeah, you know, don't have Spider-Man. Like, there's the scene, it's like, is after his first encounter with Sandman, I think, where he's sitting up on the rooftop and he's,

like knocking sand out of his boot with the thing off. I'm like, you're in Manhattan man. There's buildings taller than the one you're fucking sitting on. Someone is looking out at you. Hey, Spider-Man. Exactly. The worst one, and I don't mean to get us too ahead of ourselves here, but I'm just, I have to, when

he is the guest of honor at like a New York Day to celebrate Spider-Man. Spider-Man parade. When he gets the key to the city, which is a thing that only happens in Dick Tracy comic. He is on a building catty corner from the celebration with the mask off looking down at everybody.

Yeah. It's nuts. It's like this is a celebration where you know the celebrated, you know, is going to drop from the sky. Everyone's going to be looking up that entire time. What are you doing? His cover is blown. Find a green room. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Somebody's going to, some lunatic has Spider-Man suit on and he's going to jump off the ledge. Would it be the worst thing in the world if he pulled like an Iron Man and was just like, Hey, I'm this fucking loser who's in college right now. I'm also surprised. Everyone's kind of weirdly obsessed with him and he weirdly always kind of knows his villains anyway so that he's the most vulnerable.

Everyone's like, oh yeah, it's Spider-Man for my fucking poetry class. But Steve, as a Spider-Man aficionado, you subscribe to the magazine Spider-Man aficionado as well. But if Peter Parker were to do that and say, hey, I'm Spider-Man, everyone. Sure.

Would you shit your britches? Would that be like, would that be like sacrilegious to the comic book? I mean, it probably is, but, A, I can't tell you it didn't happen because, I mean, there's been a billion of these comics. But yeah, you read every single one. Uh-huh, yeah, I'd have to. Well, you couldn't say you're a fan until you read every single one. I read them last night in preparation for this podcast. Oh, nice.

Yeah, that Marvel Unlimited Apple. Oh, yeah, forget about it, man. You know, it's a bullshit thing. So, yeah, it's, you sort of mentioned it, Steve, when, when, after Harry leaves the play and he goes home and he's like, I'm going to do this goblin experiment, all you get out of it is just James Franco stands in the chamber and you see the green gas like coming up and he's like, okay. And then it cuts and you don't know what the fuck happened to him. No, you'd have to have recently seen the first movie like, oh, that's the goblin gas. And like, there's not like, he's not a test subject. There's not like

nothing. And that's the problem with this movie is like there's so much shit going on. That's all you get, James Franco. It's a shot of you with green fake gas around. He gets in there and he farts. and that's it. And then so they have this fight and Peter Parker winds up fucking him up something real good and then he takes him to the hospital because like Franco wipes out

Harry Osborne wipes out and like falls a bunch of feet and whatever. Harry, that's why I wore that green stupid mask. What are you dumb? Protect my head! Concussion! But yeah, so he's in the hospital and he conveniently like doesn't remember

anything about how he thinks Spider-Man murdered his father and his hatred of it. He knows at the end of the second movie. He knows at the end of the second movie that Peter is Spider-Man, so he forgets all of that. How are you doing a blockbuster movie and...

There's a subplot from a fucking bad soap operas? Yeah, I don't know. Eugenia plot line? Yeah, I don't know. It's fucking terrible. It's insane. It's hard. It's jaw-dry. Because I forgot about this. I was like, you've got to be kidding. And it just, it lasts for 25 minutes. I'm like, who cares? And in general, I prefer evil James Franco to nice guy James Franco.

Well, he's like, if we're going to be really honest about him in general, I prefer him as a shit. It's a little regarding Henryish. Like the way he's playing it, like, come on. I'm just saying it's a big, it's a big wide smile. He even goes to somebody's like, do I have any girl friends? And everyone's like, oh, man, I feel so bad for him. I feel so bad for him. Is this music?

Is this music? heard so much about music. Devere you tell you about the time a person I went to high school with totally claimed they had amnesia. No. Wait, did you fucking, did you figure this? Oh, I remember.

Okay. So one day, one day this girl comes into science class and this other girls with her and the other girl's like, so yeah, they found her on the side of the road and she totally has amnesia now.

And I was like, this is garbage. and so like they were playing it like this chick had amnesia and we're sitting i sat in front of her in science class and she just goes are we friends oh man oh dude was you ever exposed yeah i you know what nobody ever really followed up because everybody was kind of just like yeah okay whatever it was like everyone just let it go it was like the last two weeks of senior year oh yeah And we were like, first of all, I'm going to have amnesia in two months, it's a fucking small town. If somebody's found on the side of the road, it's all over the news.

In my high school, they found a girl on the side of the road. Turns out she died in a car accident. Well, that makes sense. So she, yeah, so she didn't remember anything. What with being deceased? Yeah, she died. So she had amnesia too. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

That was just, it was a weird thing because I was like, no, no, no, this is reality. And that's like one of the rarest medical conditions of all time. Speaking of reality, Spider-Man being able to see the stars in Central Park. Oh, my God, shut the fuck off. That's the fakes shit I've ever seen. Yeah, he makes it also, that's another thing. It's him and, it's back in the Gali G times. It's him and MJ is sitting in a web not doing anything.

Yeah, come on. Literally one homeless person looks up and you're done. Exactly. It's like, oh, Spider-Man and his girlfriend. Spider-Man's dressed up for a date. Oh, Spider-Man gets off fucking in public. Wait, no, but he doesn't fucking publicly. What you're doing to that lady's shoes?

Happy birthday to me. Also, it's disgusting because it's like, oh, yeah, MJ, let's go fucking romantically sit and shit that comes out of holes in my wrists. I know, no, we need to talk about this. It's disgusting. I'm thinking about this. So all this web stuff, right?

It comes out of his body. Yes. And he shoots. He's got two little, like, little fucking wrist. Wrist vaginas. At least. It's a real fucking James Woods thing. He shoots at least like a football field in this movie alone.

Yeah. How is that? What is going on? It's a great question. Why isn't he like the blob? And he's like, oh no, MJ, I gotta shoot. I gotta shoot it till I look normal. Well, like a baby, he's a fan of milk and cookies.

So maybe it's milk. Maybe it's just a protein. Really? You think so. I think what Eric's getting at is he needs to be milked. Does he have to clean these things with like Q-tips? afterwards. You got to get in there

with rubbing alcohol. Oh, really? Some iodine or something. Oh man, do you think he gets like infections in those holes? He was going to do. Of course there's fucking holes

in his list. He's fighting. It's like debris is falling in there. Like fucking taxi juice. My God, the sand. The sand is everywhere. I got to get into my little holes.

I don't understand. Like when you're writing this first movie and someone's like reading through the script and they're like, oh, well, I've read a Spider-Man comic or two in my day. Doesn't he just have

like little pockets He's invented these little packs And they do it And they're like, no, no, no, no, we're going to save a bunch of time It's just going to fucking come out of his body At the very least, you need Moistreiser for these spider holes Right, and shouldn't he have like a big bulbous ass

Like a spider, right? It's in that where they keep their web, I don't know And then he shits poison? I mean, like, yeah, I mean, this is the fucking eats bugs If we're going to do it, let's do it then, guys. Eat a bug! Eat a fucking bug! You're going to be a spider man, you're going to eat a bug. So Harry has amnesia, that's false.

We do meet Flint Marco who just breaks out of prison and has to go home to say hello to his precious baby daughter who is, you know, she's got like five fake diseases at once. She's got a respirator and like a super cancer, I believe it is. She's got fucked up little kid teeth. That's not helping anyone. Living off of Astoria Boulevard. Oh man, it's tough. It's tough. His wife comes in and starts chewing him. I was like, listen, lady, I'm just here to get my sandman shirt. I'm getting out. Like, look, I just came home. this fucking shirt. This is your Dick Tracy connection. This fucking shirt

and Thomas Hayden Church in general God. God damn it. Go work for proof face assholes. He does look like flat top actually. He's fucking terrible in this movie. He says, I think he's got like 12 lines of dialogue. Most of them occur at the final scene

with Peter Parker. But like he's awful in this movie. And I'm not the biggest fan of his, but I've seen him be good in things. No, yeah. I like sideways. I like him with stuff. This is not one of those times. It's just like, you know, Stacey, I'm the Sandman. He has 13 lines and they all

end with For My Daughter. Hey, you think 20 year olds are watching Ned and Stacey on Hulu? No, I don't. So we can go through his plot. So basically Oops, by the way, he actually killed Ben Parker. Besanted Ben Parker. The only good thing about this is I get to see this fucking old piece of shit assassinated seven times over in this

Oh, man, yeah, you get to see that a bunch of times. Just him fucking bleeding out in the street, finally. It's beautiful. God, I hate it. I hate it so much. Because apparently, like, he was the accomplice to the blonde guy in the first movie that Peter definitely kills. Oh, he murdered that guy.

Everyone keeps being like, oh, and then there was a scuffle and he fell out the window. He tripped. Yeah, but. But it was definitely related to the- The situation. The bloodthirsty fight. It's definitely a manslaughter charge of the very least. Because he, like, Peter Parker, like, steps to him, like, to fight and he, like, backs up and falls out a window.

You murdered that guy. But doesn't, and doesn't he say, like, I'm sorry I did it at some point, and they just cut around it? He just felt bad, I guess. He didn't give it. Who says sorry? There's an awful lot of saying sorry in this movie. The guy who got killed in the first one. Oh, if I'm remembering the first one, right, I think he says something to the effect of, like, he acknowledges, like, yes, I did do it.

He sounds like a Muppet or something when he says it to him. But he was protecting Thomas Hayden. He was protecting Flit Marco, who I guess was doing something else. What, you're, you're, oh, God, I hate it. Your dirtbag criminals. Throw that fucker under the bus. No, there's a big fucking Thomas Hayden church

looking motherfucker with huge wrists. Dude, this, he is jacked out of it. His arms are disturbing in this. For no reason, because he's a sand person through most of this movie. Um, we can get, so he goes, he's getting, uh, he, his wife kicks him out. He gets his, luckily gets his sandman shirt. He goes, he's like, running, escaping from the Dick Tracy police. He, he goes into an open research facility and falls into a hole. That's why one of my, science. Dude, one of my, science science. One of my favorite details in this entire movie is this part because he jumps this fence. And there's this, this sign that says like, caution, quantum physics experiment in progress. I was like, no one's ever made a sign like that.

Where'd you get that one made up from? Like, which, you know, how about just fucking caution? That's enough. Or have a guy out there and be like, hey. Well, you're doing an experiment of this magnitude. Yeah, you better have a security force. Well, I don't, and I don't think anybody foresaw that science plus sand equals sandman. Well, the guy that they're like, there's a bunch of scientists.

It's like, oh, I think something's in the, uh, the facilitator there. And they're like, eh, probably a bird. It's a Simpsons joke. Because it's like, ah, it'll be fine. And those eight cameras we had trained on it. It all went down at the same time. Who cares? It's so dumb.

It's a thing. It's a bird. It's probably just a bunch of birds. They'll fly away when this thing gets started. Or it's a rat king. So he turns into the Sandman. And the first scene is like this weird, like, artistic animation thing of him, like, building himself. Talk about Peter Gabriel video.

That's true. It looks like the best animated short nominee from Yugoslavia. You know what I mean? It's like, and Gorky Breschenikov's Man of Sand. It's a bunch of shit. Also, a farting thimble by Pixar. The winner, the farting thimble by Pixar. It's a bunch of fucking shit that like Nicole Kidman would pretend to clap for at the Academy Award.

Exactly. Oh, I definitely saw that. Oh, I voted for that one. Sure did. Well, and Jeremy Renner is going to introduce it. Yeah, yeah. It's Jeremy Renner and Mickey Mouse. Well, you know, Mickey, there's a lot of things we can learn about the.

soul through animation. Oh boy, you're fucking hot. And these shorts really hit the bullseye. Oh boy, that's terrible. Hope they're paying you.

They are. Somewhere Bruce Valanche is like twisting a script like, you're butchering it. Yeah. Ooh, it was perfect before.

It's your delivery. That's the issue. So he makes himself out of sand and he's like, oh, it's pretty cool. He's not too worried about it.

But if he's like condensing. a bunch of sand together like that. Shouldn't he turn into glass? Yeah, that's what happens to sand. But also, this is my other question is like, what if you, throughout this movie, he's leaving himself all over the place, right?

He's making, he's punching, he's dripping all over the place. Shouldn't he just be a ghost? He's basically ripped apart by this sand. It's a sand ghost. Yeah, it's a sand ghost. Because like, what, like, does he, if he doesn't have all of his sand back, does he not have, like, enough lungs or something?

Is he a little shorter? Exactly. Because that, also, you're like, flying. that's the bigger thing is dirt bird shit all the sudden is a sandstorm and he looks like it's like what they did with it in green lantern when they just made him a fart monster yes yeah like no longer is it good enough for him just to be a big sand monster he has to be a flying fucking fart i guess you got to get like enough sand that you don't accidentally leave your dick behind or anything like that right you gotta have like enough sand to be yourself i think it's a bump eric i want i just i don't think he's

going through all that. Rub my bump. Hey, ex-wife, rub my bump. Stacey, get in here and rub my bump. Your parents are coming over soon. But your hand might go through it. Don't worry about it. Like the sand experiment, like annihilated his dick before the sand

actually fused with his DNA to make him the sand man. So it's just like, you can only regenerate what is there after you become the sand DNA, right? Oh, wow. So that dick's just gone. Because he's always wearing that t-shirt. So, yeah, that dick's just gone. And he's always carrying that fucking necklace of his dumb daughter. Oh, no, do I save my dick or my t-shirt?

I decided to fight Spider-Man on Orchard Beach, and now I'm manipulating all of these syringes. Go my minions. That'd be amazing. A bunch of condoms flying all over the place. Picking dead squirrels and birds out of himself. Fucking Sandman's resorting to, like, chemical warfare, basically, at that point. He's just covered in, like, wet, fucking used.

diapers. God damn you, Orchard Beach. They should have called him Biohazard. No, he should have a sidekick and it's just made of all the Red Solo Cups left on Orchard Beach. Yes, exactly. Come along, trash can. My time to shine. I hate this necklace that he's carrying around with this picture of his daughter.

It looks like she fucking died on the Titanic. It does. What the fuck? Where did you get this photograph taken? Fucking Anne Frank's author photo, man. Like, get out of town with this shit. That's so stupid. It's like when they went on vacation to a fucking Old West exhibit. So that's the Sandman.

Harry eventually, and we meet Eddie Brock because the Sandman's like attacking. By the way, Gwen Stacy's in this movie for no goddamn reason. And when I saw who her father is, I actually literally, I sat up in my seat at home and I was like, okay, now I got to pay attention to this. James Cromwell. James Cromwell. so wasted in this fucking movie. He's in it for like two seconds. I would say even

even Bryce Dallas Howard is wasted in this movie. Of course she is. She's in like three scenes and she has no conclusion to the character. She's just kind of there like to wear a tight sweater and like be a rival to Mary Jane sort of kind of maybe.

Least favorite thing. You turn her into a character right at the end because she ends by saying that's fucked up when he does the whole the jazz ensemble thing we'll get to she actually says something like meaningful like I'm sorry I didn't want to be part of this

I'm a real person goodbye from the movie before that she is not a real person before that but I think that's the thing cab and you hit the nail right on the head once a character in these movies becomes a real person a race from existence

you got to get you're fucking driven to the end of movie time the trick is to be made out of sand You know, that would be an interesting, like, movie. Like, we're doing, like, a Spider-Man type of movie, right? And then we find, like, a female character because they often aren't real people in these movies. Definitely not in these three. And then, boom, she has, like, an opinion of her own or whatever.

And she becomes a real person. And then it's, like, through the looking glass. Now she's, like, in real Manhattan. And now we have, like, an indie movie for the last 30 minutes. Oh, that'd be cool. It turns into, like, a Manhattan set Lost in Translation. Right, yeah. She's all alone.

She's looking for everybody. And only James Cromwell is there, but he's the actor James Cromwell. She's like, aren't you my dad? And he's like, what are you talking about? And then he whispers something sensual. We don't know what it is. We don't know, but we can think. It's pretty meaningful, whatever it is.

She's like, aren't you my dad? He's like, what are you talking about? You're 25 and I'm 87 years old. What do I look like? Do you fucking Tony Randall? So let's have kind of like a little romance and maybe like cook some fucking meat in a boiling. pot of water. Let's go to karaoke and see what happens.

Go to cats. When I, when looking at James Cromwell as Captain George Stacey, I guess his name is, I was like, oh man, I was just thinking about Captain Dudley from L.A. Confidential and beating this shit out of fucking Danny DeVito. I was waiting for him to go corrupt in this shit. Sorry, Spider-Man, it's the city of the angels and you ain't got new wings. That's a great, but I've got a wham! A shot in the face. Exactly. Russell Crow just beats him to death. what are your powers hate

I mean yeah I don't know say what you want about those the Andrew Garfield movies like Leary's more of a character as Captain Stacy because he's in the movie he's a part of the movie yeah you want to have a movie there it's just astounding

to me though that like and the problem is it doesn't matter because this was the at the time most financial and successful Spider-Man movie at the box office but it's like does no one look at this shit there's too many cook situation too many producers fucking suggesting things to Sam Ramey

and someone has to be like you know what man there's like a fucking bevy of important characters here and there's no way without making a six hour movie that we can give everybody equal time which these characters all deserve. They were going to split it

actually. They were. The screenwriter wanted to split it. They should have shit going on here like let's put this into two movies like yeah it's a good idea and then he just couldn't figure out how to end the third movie. No the finger thing means like we need one month. We need one movie, one box office. That's all we're, it's all you get.

Um, so yeah, there's a big Spider-Man fight. Gwen Stacy falls out of a building. This is what I refer to as a crane 11. This is a crane 11 and I got to tell you I'm thinking what's a crane 11. Okay, so Gwen Stacy's at a photo shoot. Uh-huh. Right.

Yeah, because she's like a model. But she's also in Peter's fucking science. She's a model scientist. Uh-huh. And just like a James Bond female and then the crane comes into

the shot and the guy's like what's your crane doing in my shot? And then it goes through the building then it goes through like seven other buildings and she's falling from the sky

you know she didn't think she was going to die today no one ever does. It's yeah just like on 9-11 man. Oh wow. Well it's obnoxious

because I mean listen I've been living in this city for 11 years okay there's been plenty plenty of fucking crane collapses in my time in this town because you know what it's fucking you know

Manhattan building companies the fucking cheapest bidder does it dude what happened today the day we're recording this episode on 58th Street they're falling all the time and it's never like this is like it's not an accident someone is fucking I was like are we going to cut to a genie somewhere who's like minip because this thing resurrecting all these dead bodies because I can see okay it fell whatever Or they're a Sandman or no, it's not. No, it's just this guy's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. And then this crane is slamming, cutting through this building like a hot knife through butter.

It's like, you know what happens when a crane collapses? It fucking falls down one time. Cranes cannot melt steel beer. It's a crane 11. It's a total crane 11. It's ridiculous. It's blown out of proportion. Crane hits into one building.

All right, I'll give you that. This crane's favorite movie is a Michael Bay Transatl, The Transformers movie. Yes. This crane might be a Decepticon. Another reading of Crane 11. You know, Niles, I could rush the cockpit if I wanted. Oh, dude, man.

How about we're dealing with the aftermath? Crane over me? Man, they tried. They were so serious about that movie. They were so serious about a sad Adam Sandler 9-11 movie So he saves her and they throw him a party And there's a big dinkist like You get to watch Toby McGuire kind of dance a little bit

And it's just we do get the worst Stanley cameo of all Marvel movies of all time This will never be topped It is the absolute worst Because we're trying to say something He just looks at him and he's like Well you know I guess one man can make a date

difference. And then he looks at the camera, looks back at McGuire, and he goes, Nuff said. Bye everybody. Bye Steve Ditko. Hey, Ditko, you're watching it? You're paying attention down there? Hey, Dicko. They got HBO

down in the hell of life. He said he's alive. Not for long. Steve Ditko's really alive. Hey, hey, Dicko. You see how they're using their costume? You didn't make a fucking scent? I got to dance in this movie. Yeah, he's alive. lives under my foot so mj gets fired because she's terrible and she has to like go to a

she has to go to a parade for her boyfriend and she's like oh man this sucks and she gets like she shows up and they're just like oh yeah we forgot they're like showing for new people oh yeah we just fired you it's a real fucking fossey move man it would never happen like oh come on cabin i'm sure that's happened before no you have to like oh we have to like oh we didn't tell you, oops. No. Well, the actor's equity, something or other, right? She's, if it's on Broadway, she's an equity actor.

Yeah, she's got like an agent. Unless it's like previews and they, she's fired during previews, maybe. I mean, whatever. She got fired, right? Yeah. You know, I mean, but so it does get fired. She has to go to a parade for her boyfriend who makes out with the Gwen Stacy because everyone, like, she gives him the key to the city and like he's upside down and

everyone in the audience like, kiss her, kiss her! Oh, Spider-Bin' kisser! He's just, like, so ready to shoot his webs. He's like, give the audience what they want. Give it to me. He's hanging upside down, man. He's got his webs all over his feet. Oh, yeah, give it to me.

He's already halfway there. Oh, give it to me, yeah. Oh, just take my, oh, just a little bit. Take my mask off a little bit. I should be raining. Somebody, somebody get a hose and weighs us down. Obviously, it's reminiscent of the kiss in the first movie. Right.

And Mary Jane's like, man, this day fucking sucks. Totally. And she starts running out and Franco's there, you know, Harry Osborne. He's just like, oh, MJ, what's going on? And she has to be like, oh, nothing. I'm fine. I'm so happy for my boyfriend. I mean, I like Spider-Man. Also, what are you doing here, MJ? Why are like grown adults attending this thing? Yeah, it's for kids. Also, no one gets the key to the city. No, I ruined a parade once when I was a... Oh, and it's, it's, it's... It's thematically appropriate. Exactly. Proceed. Have I ever told the story on the other? I don't think so. So I was lucky enough about four, three years ago, I was lucky enough to be, to hold the arm

of Spider-Man, the, that the Thanksgiving Day Macy's parade. Right, the balloon. The balloon. The Spiderman balloon. You didn't escort him there. And the way it works is, you know, come along now, Spider-Man. Whoa, whoa, whoa, we're crossing the street now, Spider-Man. Look both ways.

I'm going to hold your arm while we do it. No, so, and like, you know, there's like two people in the legs. There's like 12 people, but I've got the arm. And I think I've got the spidery arm, the web shooter there. And it was an unusually blustery day. And I mean like, and you're on like 82nd Street and 5th Avenue or whatever the hell you're on up there. I don't know how, I live in New York. What?

At some point, it's like Harold Square. It goes up to the park, right? Yeah, but you start really high up. They're a Columbus Circle, I'm sorry. You're a Columbus Circle. I don't know, Joe. Going down Broadway? You're going down Broadway.

Do they not prepare you for a windy day? Oh, no, they do, but they don't say about how the wind, and we all thought it was going to get canceled. The second I get, I move like three steps, this arm goes into a tree line and gets cut right in half, and his arm just starts, da-da-da-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-dang. You killed Spider-Man. I did. They were, like, very politely, like, oh, it's fine, it's fine.

By the way, hey, why don't you just stop holding this now? You could just stand in the front. This is a professional. He's going to take it from here. We've got Rick. So the arm went limp, and then they just said, no, you go and just walk in the front, like a, you know, like, you get a trophy for showing up. Exactly.

At that point, he just became a mighty marvel at. I did. And I was like, yay, it's fine. I was pumping up the crowd. I got on TV. and this was where my life became the most like a Seinfeld

episode at this point because we were watching this. Yeah, because I told everybody, obviously. Oh, God, it was a big event that day. You didn't hear the end of it. Steve's going to be in the Macy's Thanksgiving a parade. It's a real, yeah, it's a big deal. Yeah, sure. And we're just watching it. And it's like, well,

it appears Spider-Man's arm is having a... I don't remember if we were watching it if we were maybe in the car driving up, but it was like, oh, Spider-Man's arm, oh, something's going wrong. And I remember turning them my wife, and we just went, Steve. And then it turned out to be true. It turned to be totally true. True story, man.

That thing, I mean, like, it's, well, they can't, they can't sue you now, right? No, that you've admitted this on the air. Yeah, exactly. It's all fine. I mean, they, these corporations, not going to place in life. Those things are dingy up front, man. Those balloons, they've been used. They get, like, wot.

They got, like, hose down. They put that shit in, like, a toilet on Staten Island for the fucking, it's whole year. It's actually, yeah, it was a real wake-up call because we went, you can do this. It's kind of become a big, thing now? Because listen, if you're in the city on Thanksgiving and you go to the parade, you're a fucking maniac. But there's a cool tradition that they have that's kind of too popular now, so it's almost ruined at this point. Yeah, as a kid. Yeah, the balloon blow up. And so we went to the balloon blow up a couple years ago. And it's pretty cool because you go into Central Park

and they're blown up all the balloons. You get to look at them really up close and everything. There's so many patches on these things. Oh, yeah, dude. That you're just like, this shit is held together with like spit and a prayer. And you can't tell on TV because it's like another pixel. Yeah. Well, I mean and Eric's right. They say they put them all at the end of when it's all over. They put in a big inflatable toilet.

Yeah, it's very true. And then everyone uses the toilet. But I will say being in New York City on Thanksgiving is amazing. It's awesome as long as you don't go to the parade. Yes. It is incredible. It's like the end of vanilla sky, man. Exactly. No one is there and you know, nothing's

open pretty much. But it's still awesome It's amazing I fucking love that The night before is great Christmas Day is the same thing Oh it's a fucking ghost town If you happen to walk around

Times Square at like 10 o'clock in the morning Or call it 8 o'clock in the morning On New Year's Day That's some eerie shit man Oh yeah I bet You would have thought You're vanilla sky and all over the place

You know who's a gift In all three of these movies Who's that? Is J.K. Simmons. Oh, Yeah, big time. I mean, he's ruined that role. Like, they still have not recast it.

You know what? I know whatever. Just bring him back. Sure. Just bring him back. Because no one is going to be able to do that. I mean, that guy was born for that. Just don't do it as the character.

Like, make it a different character. No, it's got to be JJ. Yeah. I mean, but like, what's his, uh, the Perry White isn't like the same character every single time. Character? Perry White's Perry White. Are you talking about because like Larry Fishburn plays them in those new ones?

No, no, no, but, like, in every... I mean, we've seen, like, what, five versions of him at this point? Oh, no, yeah, different actors, you mean? But they all have a different, like... Oh, they do a different... A different take, I'm sorry, I was confused. Like, Jay Jonah and James... He's doing exactly with the cartoon.

Yes, you can find a different way to do that. You can do a different version of him. Yeah, I buy that. Like, yeah, exactly, it doesn't have to be so big and blustrous kind of a thing. I don't know that I buy J.K. is this fucking Jim Gordon coming out. Just Jack Jordan they got going on? He is, like, fucking buffing this movie. Because everyone has to be buff

You have to be so fucking buff To be in those X-Niner movies P90X backwards forwards God, it's so stupid Elizabeth Banks is good in these scenes All right, she's like his assistant Betty Brandt I totally forgot she was in these movies

Yes, you will forget that She's a different haircut Exactly Different hair color Yes Speaking of different hair colors We'll get to it And fucking RIP

Bill Nunn Bill Nunn as Robbie Robertson God you And Ted Ramey as the director's brother he plays that in all those movies he really does i mean honestly though dude like and bruce campbell as the director's friend yeah i read somewhere that ted ramey plays hoffman i'm like give me a fucking break he plays ted ramey that is ted ramy Hoffman is the character's name i love i love army of darkness i love those evil dead movies and i love ted ramy in those movies as well he plays

multiple roles he's fun i'm sure if you met ted ramy he's a blast yeah yeah God willing, I will get to that point. It's a high watermark for you. It would be. But it's just another moment to waste time with bad comedy. Well, no, this is where we start getting into Tofer Grace. Tofer Grace shows up. Hi, by the way, I'm in this movie of Eddie Brock.

I have really bad early 2000s blonde hair. That haircut, those fucking frosted tips. Ooh, you want to throw right up. You really do. He looks like a fucking singer and yeah, yeah, one of them there. I was going to say LFO. Oh, yes. Same shit.

Because, you know, Eddie Brock is a blonde, but if you're not going to cast a blonde, don't just... We've learned this through the fantastic four movies. Thank you for bringing up this again. They're robbing from a blonde actor. But if you're not going to get a blonde actor,

almost nobody looks good with fake blonde hair. Yes, just fucking give him brown hair. Who cares? Exactly. The internet. Steve? Does the internet care? The internet care.

When we saw, me and Andrew saw Spider-Man Homecoming the other day, The guy behind me, as the movie was ending, was just went to his friend. I swear to God, he said this. He was like, oh, man, I can't believe they changed Mary Jane's race. And I was like, what? We're in New York City, friend.

Oh, my God. Yeah, it was pretty outrageous. Speaking of which, by the way, Spider-Man Homecoming on screen coming soon to an RSS feed near you. If it hasn't dropped already. Yeah, you never know. You do never know. So, Eddie Brock, there's a staff job at the Daily Bugle.

which, I mean, it is kind of fucked up that, you know, Peter Parker's been like licking Jay John and Jameson's bunghole for three movies and they're like, I don't know, there's other kids got blonde hair, so sure. Yep, yeah, no, it's a real problem. Peter Parker has a great point in here. Bill Nunn stands up for him, which is nice.

But there's a thing where basically, like, the first person who gave me a picture of Spider-Man doing something illegal will, uh, the first person to give me the pee tape gets the job at the Washington Post, essentially. Well, no, the thing it is, Steve, see that's what that's why that doesn't work is because Jay Jonah Jameson is asking

for something that doesn't exist. Oh, I see. I see. So, yeah, the first person to get that is going to do it. Brock is like, buy movie. I'll see you later. Yeah. And you know what makes for like exciting movie watching is competitive photography. Pretty great. It's a rare subject.

You don't see it often. That's true. There's a reason for that. So this is where we get into well, what, the venom juice comes out of the fucking, The rock. It's like an airplane toilet gets flushed and settling venom. A venom juice falls on them.

A tiny baseball of a comet hits Central Park and the little fucking... Venom thing falls out. And makes a V. A V! Does it? On the end of his little motor scooter. Oh, I miss that. I'm venom.

That's sorry. And I mean like, you know what? Maybe if we're going to introduce aliens into a franchise that doesn't have aliens. wait five minutes maybe five minutes can you tell me what venom really is is it an alien it is an alien it's an alien that was uh introduced in the 80s it was part of uh spiderman gets a new suit in something called the secret wars actually the funny thing i was reading about this today somebody some reader wrote marvel comics is like you know it would be a cool idea and came up with the idea of the symbiote costume and like hey cool we'll give you 250 bucks for that idea oh wow and this dude got a check for 250 bucks in the like 20 years later I got to see fucking Tofer Grace in his costume

Oh, that sucks. But yeah, so basically it's a thing from outer space that it's very much this. It's like it bonds to you, it makes you evil. Right.

He wears it. He stops wearing it. Then Eddie Brock wears it. It makes him even more evil. And that's kind of the thing. But does, uh, do the comics explain why?

It explains a lot of things, but this movie doesn't. But like, you know, like Peter Parker has it. And it's like, oh, I just have this like, admittedly pretty dope looking black costume.

That black costume is an A plus. It's fucking great. But he's still just like farting around his shitty old Peter Parker. He's just like shittier. Uh-huh. Why, though, does it turn Eddie Brock into a fucking goblin monster? The fucking teeth on this guy is in and out of mask. Well, the teeth is, that's a fake.

That's canon, right? No. No, his, the teeth in the mask, yes. Yeah. But when he takes it off, he's just got regularity Brock face. Really? In the comics? No, he does have weird teeth.

Oh, does he look? Okay. Okay. In the book? No. that's just tofer grace that's what i'm talking about tofer grace is weird he has weird teeth when he's when he comes out of the venom well yeah no he does he has like the stupid vampire teeth but like his teeth as

venom and his eyes are like clearly alien yeah so i feel like when when this alien merges with eddie brook boom that's just a new thing and you don't go back and forth yeah i mean for for consistency's sake also who was going to be pissed off that you didn't get to look at Tofer Grace. That's the question. Nobody. And they really wouldn't have cared if you do Venom right. If it actually looks like Venom looks. Well, exactly. I mean, and actually the Venom thing doesn't look that bad when he's the 39 seconds that you actually get the venom look. Yeah. But yeah, so often it's like, let me reveal my Tofer Grace face. Like, yeah, that Venom is 80. Oh my God. I don't know what's scarier. Ninety-nine percent of the appeal of Venom is the look. Like, that is

99 to 100% of the appeal of the character. And this guy had one hit TV show and then he was in In Good Company with Dennis Quaid and Scarlett Johansson. Who the fuck cares that you can't see Tofer Grace in this movie? Exactly, he's doing the voice. He's getting a check.

He doesn't give a shit. And we had a bunch of fucking Eddie Brock at the midpoint. So who gives, like... You already wasted my time. You can waste more of it, I swear. Do a fucking voice, get in the booth and get out of the movie.

And again, that's what Deadpool gets right. It's like, this is what people like about the character. They like the mask. They like the look. So that's what the whole movie's going to be. Well, because you certainly don't want to look at Ryan Reynolds with that fucked up face in that movie. There's that. But so Eddie Brock is doing what he's doing.

James Franco comes out of his amnesia. Mary Jane is kind of pissed at Spider-Man for making out with Gwen Stacy at the parade. They have a very awkward dinner scene where he's going to propose. Bruce Campbell is there doing French stuff. Some people in this room

like it. Some people don't. I think it's one of the worst things I've ever seen. It's really bad. I think it's fantastic. And I love Bruce Campbell. I mean, you know, if it was in something else, yeah, sure. In the middle of a fucking already terrible Spider-Man movie. Yeah, but the thing is like, this is, I guess this is the point.

This is when it really starts to nosedive. Yes. And this is after this is when we get Peter Parker as, uh, denim, emo as emo Parker. Right. He gets his hair dyed black. and he starts a brand new kid acting like a fucking asshole looks like fucking taking back spider man it's just yeah good spider man or spider man charlotte my chemical spider man

all spider man rejects saves the spider man yeah no he looks like garbage my thing also about here's why the bruce campbell things are terrible i think they get perpetually worse this one is the fucking longest think about that first movie where he's just like the wrestling promoter and it's like get him out there you're in and out

I like him in number two man he's making me laugh at number two I like this one better than number two I don't know why I guess it is so criminally stupid that it makes me laugh it's just like

remind me what two is he's the usher oh with the theater oh that's long as shit too God damn it is long these these cameos need to be one beat. It's a fucking cameo. And in this

one, though, this is the longest. He's part of this scene. He's, like, doing all these gags with this army of waiters. It is obnoxious. I hate it so much. Because he gets to be, I think he gets to be Bruce Campbell in the second one. Yeah. This one, he's a stupid character.

And it's a crappy stereotype to begin with. And you already know the joke. So, even before he says a word, you know the whole joke. You are Abe Froman. the sausage king of Chicago? So, yeah, I mean, like, and then Gwen Stacy comes up at a restaurant. First of all, you never approach anyone

in a restaurant if they're just having a dinner. And I'm like, oh, hey, let's catch up. That happens, man. It should not. It's a dark timeline we live in where that happens. I approached one time at a restaurant. Wait, you got approach or you, you initiated the approach? Well, here's the deal. And so it was, it was a tough call Because we were at, it was a restaurant in Astoria, we were in the back garden area that was very small.

A garden that's a little open too there, yeah. Very small, though. There's no way the other person didn't see me. So in my head, and this was like a guy, he's like a colleague, he's older than me, he's got a great job. And so I was like, if I don't say hi, it's a snub. Sure. He walked into this restaurant and definitely saw, it was, you're in like a six by 12 garden space. give the wave.

Yeah, it sucked. And you run into them, if you run into them in the bathroom, they're like, oh, hey, I didn't want to drop. How's it going? Or next time you see him,

like, oh, hey, I didn't, I see you at the, blah, blah, you never want to go up to somebody, stop their dinner. Okay.

Because, and especially a couple, you don't know what they're talking about this time. They might be fighting about you in this instance. Steve, I want to hear it.

Oh, shit. Even worse, because it was like a new lady friend after a divorce that wasn't quite finalized. Oh, gee, what are you doing? doing?

I didn't fucking know. You ruined this. That dude. Because then you have to like introduce her as something. So what happened? Three. This is, yeah.

Angled. It was like, you pull that fucking off? It was like, this is my friend Barbara or whatever, you know, and I could just tell like, oh fuck.

Yep, for sure. I remembered after the fact. I was like, oh yeah, that's not what his wife looked well. I was just 25 years younger. That's weird. But, I mean, Gwen Stacy is also being very inappropriate.

She's, like, fucking fondling his shoulder and whatnot. It's just like, I'm ruining your night. He's like, thanks for ruining my night. And he's so fucking cool. He doesn't get it. Yeah, he's a, because he's a baby. Because when Mary Jane calls him on it, he's just like, that's just a girl from, that's just a girl from my class.

My class. Wait, I wasn't flirting with her. MJ, you're you. That's just a girl I know. Like, fuck you, Muppet, baby. Yeah, exactly. That's what she should say. And the way, it's weird because he's being, like, a yuck.

And she's like in a Sophia Coppola movie, not for nothing. It's like, Brian's like, you ruin this for me. I'll never forget this. And none of that matters because then we do a rack focus. And Bruce Campbell's fucking juggling champagne flutes in the background. It's all so terrible. Four Zootalores later. I hate it so much.

So, uh, hated it for 10 years. He finds out that Flint Marco killed his dad, or his uncle, I'm sorry. And he gets filled with revenge, rage. He goes to sleep and whoops, he wakes up in the black costume, which gives him more powers that's consistent. And it does look great, you know. It looks great. It looks great looking costume.

Did we mention, by the way, that the thing that makes, or I guess like gets the ball rolling on Harry, ditching that amnesia is a really fun omelet-making scene set to the twist? Let's get together and dance to music that happened 40 years before we were born. That's a great idea. Well, that happens a lot, right? Come on. But big chill happens all the time.

There's a big jill happening right this second. Somewhere in the world, someone is big chilling. Let's twist again like we did last year. It is so obnoxiously and embarrassing. It's just like, they must have been making so much money that they're just like, just dance to this song. Just dance to this fucking song. cutely make an omelette. James Franco's going to drop it on the floor. In his

defense, he is amnesia. He could think this song's new. And somewhere Thomas Hayton's church like, hey, Sam, could there be a scene where I twist? Could I be in the movie too? Yeah, you'll twist around is sand,

okay? Now moving along. It'll be a sand monster when you do it. So we don't need you. It'll be to a useless Danny Elfman's score that kind of takes everyone out of the movie. It'll go like this. Bampi Bampi Bampi. Bampi.

You like that? You want to move to that? I will say this, though. So we didn't mention this up top, but I think I was the only one that watched this editor's cut. Yeah. The Elfman score is gone. No, there is no Elfman's that's what I was going to stop somebody's tweet.

Elfman did the first two. Some other guy did this. It's a different guy, right? And it was a different guy for both cuts? I think it's the same, I imagine it's the same score. It's the same score. I imagine. Okay. Does it not sound exactly like a Danny Elfman's court? No, the guy is doing a Danny Elfman, which is, it's worse.

James Newton Bowered or something. So he fights the Sandman as a dark venom or whatever the fuck. And like, he's a little more evil. And like, hey, guess what? If your weakness is water, you're not a super villain. You're just a villain. Like, you know what I mean? Like, you just

take that Bruce Willis. Well, that's, that's why they add the stupid fucking Uncle Ben shit is to make him like a more meaningful he's just a bank robber in the comics. He's always, even in this one he's always walking with money under, like a sack of money that he just procured illegally.

Which is cool if you want to like keep it low level like that but then he can't turn into a 12 story mom star at the end of this whole thing. How can you start taking on more and more sand? Wouldn't you lose yourself and just become a puddle at some point?

Well, how does he reconstitute himself once the water washes him away? Once he goes down to the sewer drain to the mystery place where all the fucking Macy's Day balloons are stored. Yeah, they go down. It's a magic New York City tunnel that we have. We keep the balloons down there, all the subways. If you get down to the bottom level, you can see them all criss-crossing above you. Splinter lives down there. And a place for sand to dry.

Clearly. Oh, man, it's taking me a while to clump all this shit out of my body. Yeah, totally. Oh, man. He's dead homeless people. The chuds? My God, the chuds! I need a scene where Thomas Hayton Church is half sand,

and he's kind of just like working turds out of his body. Suddenly he's like fucking shitting out of his chest. He's picking him out like Logan, picking out pieces of glass. Exactly. Yes, exactly. Oh, that'd be great. Oh, man, if you ever tried to like find a dime and a stack of pennies,

it's just, you got to sift through it, man. You know what I just- You got to sift through my nipples. You just realized it's both the. dudes from sideways ended up as Spider-Man villain. That's absolutely true. Oh, man, that fucking rhino, that's embarrassing. That's crazy.

That's bad. Hey, Paul, I win again. You were worse. Fucking son of a bitch, he did it again. I wasn't even nominated for an Oscar and he gets to be the sandman. I got to be a fucking rhino and a goddamn Power Ranger costume. Well, since Rhino happened after, though, you think he was like, yeah, I'll be a fucking rhino?

Yeah. Yeah, that's a huge one. Yeah, you did it. You did it, PG. You're going to beat that fucking son of a bitch. And then they're like, well, you're actually just like this Russian slob and an Adidas jumpsuit who were going to put in a mech suit. Oh. And I was, and I was directed by Sam Ramey. You were directed by Mark what's his? Web. Is that real? Is that real, Paul? You were directed by a guy who got fucking hired because it would have been a pun. Yeah, well, I didn't play Matt Damon's brother and we bought a zoo. Bye! And he got to run.

out of the restaurant. Paul, I'm not paying it. Oh, Paul. You were in San Andreas, though. Oh, he sure was. He chases him into the parking lot. They're driving alongside each other. He's like, big fat liar.

You'll never win, you bald fuck. Divorce. You were in divorce. Nobody watched it. Everybody watches billions. Oh, man, Stacey. so like he washes away like so much shit and um there like the weird thing is so like now harry's doing his Machiavellian scheme because he realizes that he's evil again and he blackmails

mj into breaking up with peter and i'm using air quotes because this sort of happens off screen but you know it's happening and then like she breaks up with him on a bridge and he's like oh but i bought you this my god i stole mace wedding ring like What, Graham for a dream? I hawked that old bitch's TV. She keeps thinking

that the refrigerator is going to eat her. I don't know what to do. Oh, Peter's coming with Mary Jane and I'm going to be on television. Oh, does this bus go to Madison Avenue? Come along, dead husband of mine.

Oh, man. Oh, I hate it. But so she breaks up with him And then, like, Harry, like, tense his fingers. But then, like, wouldn't... How does she... Like, what is the black male? Is she, like, always in danger?

Because wouldn't she, like, just... Yo, I'll call you in a minute. We have to pretend we're broken up. By the way, Harry's the Green Goblin again. Exactly. Say all of this shit. I think she's wired. Oh, she's wired for sound, huh?

I honestly... Like, I was probably, like, not paying attention. And I was just like, oh, good, she's finally breaking up with him. Well, thank God. It is the most... It's just... so desperate. She's like, we have to stop this. Yeah. I was

gonna marry. Oh, you can't bring that ring. Oh, dude. He's crying. He's doing the like, I know I've been selfish, but I can change. People have problems. And they're just like both bawling and I was like, I purchased a ticket to a movie in where I want a cartoon to fly around

skyscrapers with webbing. I purchased a ticket for a movie where Thomas Hayin Church turns to sand. Where's that shit? I would take that over there. I would love to know. Hey, speaking to him getting wet and turning into sand, this producer's cut or editor's cut business tosses back in a deleted scene that you slubs missed.

Oh, yeah. And it is about as useless as a scene you could get. Are you talking about the sandcastle? Yep. So cut to a park somewhere in Brooklyn. And you see they're like right on the water. And it's the, it's the, it's the, it's, the ex-wife and the sickly daughter.

I guess she's getting some outside time before she's got to go back in the bubble. And it's like, you know, your dad, you know, he's a loser. Never forget that or whatever it is. And she's like, now we have to go. And like the girl, like, starts walking and you see what she's looking at. And it's this big sandcastle, this big beautiful sandcastle. And she goes up to this sandcastle and she's looking at it. And she fucking puts her hand up and touches this sandcastle.

and boy oh boy doesn't a sand hand imprint come out what a nightmare i didn't see this and she smiles and kind of like hugs this sand castle and then the wife's like all right we got to go and she turns around to like walk back to the mom and then she gets one last look and the sandcastle's gone oh mommy i met a samarian demon why would you put that in a movie it's terrified that is creepy as fuck you're gonna give that little that little weak girl a heart attack exactly some scenes are meant to stay deleted absolutely um and so like harry starts like amping up the the the fuckery here and like basically black spider man fights harry and blows his face right off which is pretty fun yeah and what's great actually actually about this editor's cut that I enjoy is, I guess this editor was doing some flip-flopping

and he changes the, or he or she, whoever cut this movie, changes the order of some of the scenes. So they have this fight where Peter throws a goblin grenade at Harry and blows his fucking face like thinking he murdered him. Yes. It then cuts to the strutting.

So it looks like he's walking around like, I just fucking killed that guy. Oh well, he's fucking dead. I mean, that's kind of the progress. like there's more between that but like to cut right to that it's kind of fun it's pretty fucking funny so he's like oh you know i killed him the weird thing is like he it's not like he's always wearing the costume it's underneath usually like the venom thing like you can make your own clothes it's kind of like oh is that right shape shift tour oh shit but he's got to go into some

like soho boutique store and buy all this like black clothing and whatnot he ruins eddie brock's career because Eddie brock uh photoshop's spider man robbing a bank or something also Fuck Eddie Brock. Yeah, of course. I mean, like Eddie Brock acts like he's such a victim after this. Yeah, fuck that dude. He fucking shattered glass. Like, come on.

You can't shatter glass. No, man. He, yeah, the Daily Bugle, by the way, the notoriously cheap daily bugle throws a champagne party for the new photographer by ass. Yeah. You know what? Did we check on that, though? Are you sure it's not just like sparkling apple cider?

And like maybe Eddie Brock bought it from home? oh that could be yeah so they're having this party and like one of my favorite lines of this movie is Peter goes up to Brock you're trashed Brock it's true it's true and then like he outs him that he

photoshopped it they fire him he's humiliated because the bugle publisher attraction with his face on the front page what to fuck you yeah you'll never work in this town again and what's funny is the most disappointed person in that office is Bill Nunn yeah he's the one that's like come on

bra. Even though he's always fought for Peter Parker in all of these movies, Bill Nunn is playing it like so let down. It's like finding out your kid killed someone over drugs. Or that. That's the level that he's got at at, man.

So Peter is real, you know, we get the strutting, we get the disco. He's literally just dancing in the street and you're checking your, I almost walked out. I remember being in the theater. Checking your what? Oh no, you're checking them out because every babe on the street wants

a slice of that. What world is this? It doesn't make sense, though, because when I noticed watching it this time, when he's walking and he's dancing, he's fucking pointing at ladies and stuff, when the camera is behind him and you see the women's reactions, they're all

looking like, who's that fucking idiot? So the gag, which is actually mildly amusing, is like he thinks he's being cool and all these people are like, look at this fucking bonehead. But then when it cuts and you see him head on, then they're turning around and looking like, say. And I was like, what changed from six feet ago

when these other people were like, look at this moron? If we're going to play with Venom Vision, we really just need a lot more happening. Give me a filter or something's got to happen here. Is this full-on Pussy Posse Maguire we're thinking? That's what he's drawing on. His experiences in the Pussy Pussy. Do you think these were some of his secret moves?

Just think about your days hanging out with Leo. Do it. Can David Blaine be in this movie? Could he play Mysterio? No, he cannot. I'm just going to dance in front of this doorway. Sexy, sexy, sexy, sexy. So what happens now? Do the cartoons fight each other?

No, now we have the jazz clips. So Mary James been unemployed, right? Everyone is... Sorry, never mind. Go on. Everyone is cringing in their seat from that. Like, oh my God, is the strutting over? Is it okay? Maybe the rest of the movie's good.

Samuel would look kind of cool. I don't know. And the Green Goblins dead. So maybe this movie. And Venom hasn't shown up yet. So maybe it's going to get good now. God damn. And no, we go to this jazz club.

He brings Gwen Stacy. Oh, Gwen Stacy. Hey, how you doing? Welcome back. And she's like, wow, this is cool. And she's like, hey, is that your ex-girlfriend? Do you want to go? No.

And he goes, no, it's cool. Mm-hmm. This is a scene that inspired Lala Land. Pro tip. if a guy brings you to a restaurant wherein his ex-girlfriend is working and she goes, oh, isn't that your ex-girlfriend? Do you want to go?

If the answer is anything but, oh, my God, let's go. You have to leave immediately. This is a creep situation. Yeah. Fake phone call. Fake phone call right as soon as possible. Oh, man, oh, I forgot. Yeah.

Oh, hello, what's that? Got to go because this is now I'm being shown off for, I'm in some kind of sex, I mean, they're in a sex game or revenge game or both maybe? It's a lunatics game. I mean, you do not want to purchase a ticket to that. So, yeah, MJ is, like, singing in a club,

and Spider-Man starts playing the piano. And I'm like, where is he learning the piano? This poor kid from Queens. It's so dumb. Aliens. Oh, the alien did everything. Everything, the whole thing. The cenobite or whatever the fuck.

Well, we never explain. You know what? We never explain it. So, yeah, I can do whatever. Oh, Dylan Baker's trying. Dylan Baker keeps calling the movie and he's like, hey, guys, hey, by the way, so you got this symbiote on you, right? And I'm like, dude, just don't. He's trying so hard to be in this movie.

Like, that's the thing is like, this cast is so big, like Dylan Baker should be the first to get cut. Yes. Yeah, I mean, cut him out wholesale. Get him in the third movie and like, oh, now Kirk Conner's is the lizard. Cool. Exactly. You've been teasing this villain by just having him exist in these movies. Like, come on.

What are you fucking wait? for. What's also embarrassing, by the way, in this jazz club is like, so Mary Jane is working there as a waitress because she got fired from Broadway, which also they act like it's the fucking most outrageous thing in the world that a working actor in New York City would have to slum it as a waiter. And she's 20 years old. The fact that she was on Broadway at all is a huge achievement. You can walk on any TV guest spot. Exactly. From what we've seen of her career so far, she was in the importance of being earnest on Broadway. She had a fucking perfume billboard and she

got fired from this fucking gold diggers of 1933 or whatever these musical So she's waiting tables What that's the life baby You're not fucking Meryl Streep That's what you do get back to hitting those tables Have you seen this apartment of hers? Yeah it's a beautiful fucking apartment

of hers totally so um But so what's humiliating though Steve is this fucking jazz band is like Come on up here Mary Jane you do the next one And she's got like a tray of glasses And I was like, no, she's busing that table. You keep singing. That's what you're getting paid to do.

She's getting paid to fucking bus that table. Someone who ordered chicken fingers is just drumming the fucking table. Exactly right. That's going to be a while now. Exactly right. Because she's got to fucking get up there and sing as time goes by. I'm waiting for my fucking chicken finger. No, she had to put it in at least.

Did she talk to the cook? Did you see? Because I was expecting a Zucker brother's gag where she throws all the glasses and everyone gets a face full of shawards. Can we just like put down a few 20s and go? I don't think we're going to get the check for a while. Yeah, the waitress is thinking. They're understaffed as it is.

I cannot believe this place. How many coronas did you have? Did you have three or four? Okay. That's, but I think that's a fine walkout, though. If you're fucking service person starts just singing and dancing, like, no, no, no, no. This isn't fucking Johnny Rockets. I'm out of here.

I'm fucking out of the cold John Cremery I'm actually Johnny Rockets they fucking dance They fucking sing and dance I don't know if they do it anymore But they do There's a place in the city

What is that that fucking shitty Diner on 50th and Oh that old school Oh Johnny Rockets No It's like the stairway diner It's like hey look at all these people

That want to be on Broadway They're going to sing when they bring your water And the line of tourists Are down the block Oh right That's the worst thing in the world I call those restaurants places where my dad would commit

public suicide. Yeah. So, Gwen Stacy leaves. She's like, this is no, no, no. I'm not being in your, your erotic thriller right now.

Goodbye movie. This is after five minutes of him gyrating to whatever fucking. Oh, he's just dancing. He's jumping on tables. To the point of like, he's like demanding to talk to her

after this fucking number he does. And then like this dude's like, this dude's like hey buddy is there a problem the bouncer comes over and he starts murdering this guy and Mary Jane tries to pull him off and he smacks her across the feet this should stop the movie dead

how about this this doesn't belong in a Spider-Man movie thank you very much yeah there's no business being in any of these movies and if that's the thing like they never spoiler alert they never talk about it she's like what happened to you is I don't know and this is kind of what his like

fall from grace and he kind of realized he has to change his shit. But like there's never a scene later where he apologizes, he realized like, oh, that suit, it did this to me, but it's also sort of my fault, by the way, no one should ever do that to anybody or any. Like, there's no discussion whatsoever.

Well, I love is, what I love is the suit for my understanding, at least in this movie anyways, it functions kind of like alcohol. Sure, yeah. It's like, you know, your inhibitions are totally depleted. It amps up your normal opinions and emotions and aggression. It's like booze and coke.

Somewhere around there, inside of him somewhere, he wants to hit her anyway. I guess so. I mean, like, that's what the movie is telling me. That's what, this is your movie. I guess he's got to be a man now. What do men do? It's just so, like, and I mean, like, I don't think this would be in it. Like, obviously it's not in home, Spider-Man homecoming, but it wouldn't be, like,

what we talk about domestic violence. Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Spider-Man's not hitting girls in this movie? No. I might skip it. we don't talk the internet would explode if that happened now.

You know what I mean? But like in this movie it's kind of just like the Jesse Spano I'm so excited moment. Like it's just like oh man he's losing control. Like no no no no no no

that's not that's not this movie. So now it's just fart fighting. Well this is it cuts to my favorite moment of the film. My all time favorite moment of Spider-Man 3 Eddie Brock goes into a church and asks God to murder Peter Parker?

It's a good scene, man. Bravo. That is how Christianity works. Hey, man, upstairs. It's me, Eddie Brock. I need you to do me your favor. Murder Peter Parker. What the fuck?

And the priest comes out and, you got 20 grand. Hey, man, that's going to cost you. It can look like an accident. Okay. It's me, Jesus Whistling, Hans Christ. No, keep that to a minimum. He's going to hear you coming. That's the only one who could kill Spider-Man is Jesus.

That would be an amazing fight. Think about that. Fucking, like, turning the Hudson into wine and throwing it on them and then, I don't know, maybe like beating him with fish. Oh, like a bunch of fish, man. Where did all these fish come from? Oh, it's raining fish. You can't swing from a building if it's raining fish.

And he keeps dying, but keeps coming back. Like, you know what I mean? Oh, like a video game. Like a video. He's respawned. Hits him with a chair that he made because of a carpenter. Oh, now we're in celebrity death match. Oh, fuck, yeah.

Where's Mills Lane? No, me, you got to write Mills Lane. Oh, God, fuck, thank you. He's busy filming that judge show. Is that still around? No way. Good Lord. He's probably long dead.

No, I think he's a lie. He's not dead, but please. The way these daytime judge shows exist, that could, that's totally plausible that that shows to love you. No, I think it's more plausible he's pushing up. pushing him daisies I think it's plausible he probably stumped for Trump

man oh sure why not well I saw a lot of shit in my career and Donald Trump will fix it it was him and Michael Buffer

there's a fucking bullshit VFW I would like let's get ready to Marga my nominee for the Supreme Court is Judge Mills Lang and thank you very much

He's always wearing rubber gloves And I was a little creeped out by it I don't want to get blood on me You never know when blood's gonna be shed He goes to church And there is It's a comic thing The weakness of venom is sound

Right The bell makes him allowed To rip it off the Rip off the costume It goes on top of Eddie Brock And whoops Now we get a cut to He's just like

Finds the Sandman on the street And he's like Thomas Hayton Church, you want to be in this movie? Hey, buddy, he drives by in a car. Hey, man, you want to be in a movie? Yeah, I'd like to be in a movie. Heard you're looking for the Spider-Man. So he calls him The Spider.

The Spider, yeah. At 106 minutes, we finally get Venom because I paused it to check it out. Sure. So, like, close to two hours, he finally comes in this movie. But yeah, how? How does he fucking know who Flint Marco is? Because he's even like, hey Marco or whatever. And he's like, oh, I heard about your daughter.

How do you hear about his daughter? Where did you find him on the street? What are you talking about? The fucking the commandant from Spaceball shows him the beginning of the movie. And he's like, oh, okay, got it. This is now now. They kind of team up. And you know, and here's the thing because, you know, you think,

speaking of Cabin mentioned Batman Returns, but like you got two villains in that movie. and they team up way earlier in the fucking film than the last like 25 minutes. It's a better written movie. It's like it's actually written like a movie. Yes. And they have a connection.

They thought about the script. It isn't a fucking afterthought. And like, you know, they know where to find each other. Like Oswald Cobble Potts like out and about. You know what I mean? It's not just like he randomly stumbles across her on the street. Start with Eddie Brock. already have been,

already was disgraced or has a grudge against Peter Parker for being such a quote unquote good photographer? You know what I mean? These shots aren't that great. Let him be at the bottom just like Sandman at the start. Exactly. Or like just do any of this earlier and cut out

a lot of the other stuff that, if this is what the movie you're making is. How about cut out some of those Uncle Ben flashbacks? No, we can't. Then he wouldn't die. So then like set up this gag where Mary Jane gets into a cab and it's Thomas Hayden

Churches behind the wheelers Eddie Brock he's like, where you go and he has like a weird tongue. Oh right, yeah. It's kind of like a, it's kind of like you know, like that Ghostbusters. Is it Ghostbusters Two, Ghostbusters one, the cab gag? Yeah, I think it's the first one where the guy is just a big zombie

guy. Yeah, that's the first one. Yeah. But that's kind of what they're doing here because he turns around and he's got his fucked up weird teeth and all that shit. And I mean like not not to be this guy but she gets kidnapped at the end of all of these movies

like every single movie ends with this redheaded lady getting kidnapped. Yep. Well, that was another thing on the Tribune is that it was originally written that this was supposed

to be Gwen Stacy. Oh. And at the very end, they changed it that it was Mary Jane and like Sam Ramee had to apologize to Bryce Dallas Howard.

No, to Kristen Dunst for making her be kidnapped bait once again. Like you need to have her branch off and her responsibilities to this story lie with Harry Osborne. And that's just whatever.

Like she knows that he's the goblin. She goes and talks to him and whatever else. And that's that. But because you didn't fucking bother to make what's her face a character. Yeah. Bryce Dallas Howard, like it wouldn't make sense that all of a sudden

she's just like kidnapped at the end of this movie. It's just more economic. But I mean, also just don't kidnap anybody. Like have them fight them. There's a great line Aunt May, because when he'd kill him, I'm going all the way back because I just wanted to tell this joke.

See, rewind. Aunt May, he goes up to Aunt May's, Oh, Flint Marko's dead. Spider-Man killed him. And then Aunt May's like, Spider-Man doesn't kill anybody. Spider-Man just kind of dicks around for two hours, and then, you know,

the guy accidentally kills himself at the end. Isn't that how these things work? Somebody shouts, I will not die a monster. And then that's that. done and done he fucks around for two weeks and then all the guy kills himself Spider-Man case closed

fast forward so yeah so she's taken up into like a giant fucking venom web because we just love sitting webs just to save time we cut to a news report and like who could ever care about it this news reporter is the worst actor in the movie

this woman she's got like she's putting on an English accent Don't know if it's legit or what, but we don't have fucking English people on New York local news here, but okay, let's just keep rolling. You guys, you're talking about that instead of Hal Fishman.

This guy named Hal Fishman and he looks like a fish and I'm like, wait, is this a, I was going to ask you, Steve. Is this BoJack Horseman? Well, no, is he like going to be a Spider-Man villain? Is he in the comics? Does he turn into a fucking fish?

This old bastard that looks like Sidney Pollock, is he going to later become a villain? Yeah, like a film. Fish man, maybe Jesus, whistling hands Christ, turns him into a fish. Oh, I like it. Vulture's an old man villain, so like the swordfish could be a... Right, the swordfish, yeah, I remember that. Get a blowjob while you hack this computer.

Previous episode, by the way, if you want to check out the back catalog. But this woman, like, she is like, oh, she needs to be like, there's another Spider-Man fight. Yes, exactly. But instead, she's acting like she is watching the fucking Hindenburg go down. I can't believe it's such a tragedy. And they're like, oh, we believe. And somehow they know it's Mary Jane Watson inside the fucking cab. That's great.

They're like failed actress Mary Jane Watson has been kidnapped. Oh, way to rub it in local news. And then somewhere that guy's like, oh, is that? Shit, that's our waitress. That's our, we're never going to get this. We're never going to get the check. She didn't get someone to cover for this ship. She just took a smoke break and now she's getting great.

So Peter Parker would be like, failed pizza man Peter Parker Oh right there's a brief moment where he's delivering pizzas in this movie that's the second one

I watch them all in a row he's working for Ossif Monveh that's a fun scene yeah that's in a much better movie um

he got some fucking hell sparks in that scene in that second movie oh fuck geez how well back to you in the studio John so he

so Sandman shows up and starts pound in the fuck out of spider Again, like Thomas Hayden Church put on all this muscle just so a cartoon can be his character for the last 20 minutes. And it's not even him talking.

No, it's just roars. It's pretty good. Guess what? Franco Goblin shows up after all to help Peter Park. The bifler scene. We got to talk about. Bernard. Bernard.

Bernard. He's just like, he's like, I tended your father's wounds when he died and I've seen things in this house. You wouldn't believe, young man. Lots of group sex. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. The entire plot of To Live and Die in L.A.

Happened in here in New York. There was a car here and there. It's like fucking, he's like Woodhouse on Archer. It's just like, who is this guy? He's never talked before. There was something on one of this. This is one of the greatest trivia pieces. It's like that character was supposed to be a figment of Franco's imagination,

which would fix the plot hole of like who is this guy and who cares. Right. But they just didn't do it. They were like, oh, no. But also then it makes it very weird when he is at least seven times his movie saying, B'ner! Yeah, he's yelling it in front of people, which is the problem. And like this guy is just like, oh, and I saw, I tended your father's wounds for some reason.

And I saw that the glider, it was his own glider that killed him. And, you know, here's a total change, by the way. That doesn't exist in that editor's cut. Oh, really? He fucking looks at a broken photo of him, Peter, and Mary Jane, and he's like, I'll go help. That's better. It is.

It's a lot better. There's no woodhouse. It's certainly shorter. Help for Mary Jane. Like, who cares about Peter Pan? Well, she was the one originally, it was written, that she went, she finds out he's Green Goblin, and then convinces him to help. That's also something.

Instead of fucking Peter Parker and him, yet again, yammering. Oh, and they're high-fiving, dude, they're, like, he flies in, and they start, like, the old gangs back together. It's been ridiculous. It makes no sense. He's disfigured. He mentioned his face is sagging all the way to fucking. Dude, he looks like, it's like half him and half Robert Davy.

Like, you know what I mean? Oh, my God, you're right. That's terrible. So half of him is writing for Brightbart. His left hand writes for Brightbart. Man, fuck Robert Davy. Yeah, absolutely. Do you think that when they were filming the disaster artist,

Franco was showing the makeup artist like clips from this movie? He's like, look, I look like Tommy Wiseau in this movie. Yes, I do. I make my face fucked up like that. It's stupid. So, yeah, we're slapping high fives. We're woo-hooing all over the place, saving the day. And they're like doing like a bunch of combo moves.

Like, you go high. all whatever this nonsense is Marvel versus Capcom dude I mean that's exactly what it's there's a lot of like oh there's and this I hate in these types of situations there's a line that's definitely a I'm a little busy at the moment oh fucking shove it it might as well it might as well be we got company it's very close oh yep yep holy shit you unlocked sand man oh man awesome oh man I'm gonna play a salmon oh wait sang soon wins

Fuck, fuck again. So, Peter, the guy, the, the, the, um, Sandman is like, oh, sorry. No, no, yeah, but you're right. Sam, like, there's fucking pumpkin bombs at this dude. Get a fucking fire hose. It worked once. It's always going to work. This guy is fucking cat litter come to life.

Well, that's what drives you crazy. He does a loop-de-loop. Harry goes out of the thing. He circles a water tower and doesn't use it. It's like, that's what we know this guy's weaknesses, motherfucker. But these pumpkin bombs are, like, they're blowing up inside him, and they're turning him to glass and he's shattering. Oh, that's right, yeah.

So it's like, because, I mean, he came back from water. Also, spoiler alert, this doesn't kill him either. Yeah. But he's, like, briefly vanquished so we can focus on venom. Bar, bar, bar, bar, bha. That's, that's, uh, Sandman singing the NBC call signs. W.NBC. I got damn it, Paul.

You said it better. come on so then it's like Peter starts banging pipes together and he's it's very much I mean the end of Daredevil which happened two years ago oh right oh right yeah I didn't even think of that

four wasn't because Daredevil's 2003 yeah yeah we're just banging these pipes and then he starts like shoving these pipes in the ground it's actually he's laying pipe he impaled first before this happens Venom impaled oh right

Franco with his glider and he has like father like son yeah frank goes like my like my father before me I will be impaled by sports equipment for my best friend who I hate yeah like what the fuck you just came back

so yeah then they they just makes the sound wave that kind of kill removes the suit from Brock he takes Brock out and this is kind of a great moment it's a really fucking good moment and so like Eddie Brock and the suit's like just a big monster

yeah and that it looks pretty cool it's screaming and yelling it kind of looks like a xenomorph it's not bad yeah and then like he peter grabs a pumpkin bomb and goes to toss it and eddie brock's like well no what are you doing and he jumps in it and just they all go up so fucking stupid and you can see if you pause it just right his skeleton oh oh i didn't do that dude fucking crispy critter man he's evaporate the one the one thing about all these movies is ramy always gets a little bit of weird horror and all these movies He's like, even with one of the Sandman fights, he's like pushing, it's kind of great. He's pushing his face up against a moving train and his face kind of evaporate.

Yeah, it's pretty cool. Yeah. Yeah, so he's dead. He's like for real, real dead. He's not coming back. And then like Harry is just dying on the rooftop. They're crying. Yeah, they're crying.

A lot of crying. Hell yeah. But he's redeemed now, Chris. Oh, that's great. Boy, that really is. And the butler's like, that's fucking fantastic. excellent now I inherit the estate oh yes

I'll cut to the evil butler that's what the villain of Spider-Man 4 that's both of them in a mirror the butler's taking a shower Avengers I will clean the city for you my master instead no it's cut to Harry's funeral

pretty great Joe Manganollo just standing in the background is Flash Thompson for no reason sure sure bring him Who cares in this movie? Why not? Well, nobody gave his shit back then. Now you get Joe Manganollo in the movie. I'm like, all right. Yeah, how we're talking about. He's still in the frame, too.

I'll tell you that much. Oh, absolutely. Beef. Because he's not that second one, right? He's just in the first one. He's in the first one as a 45-year-old high school school student. So, yeah, what my thing in this funeral scene, why is it that Gwen Stacey and Captain Stacey are in attendance? Great question. What are you there for? Joe Manganella's got more of reason to be there than they do. I used to beat that guy up in high school

I really should go to him He probably covered up quite a lot For Mr. Osborne Osborne Senior Oh you think so? I think he's probably Wait so you're saying Cromwell was crooked Probably I mean like back in the 90s

The old old New York Then you know when Giuliani came in And killed all the homeless people I'm so sick of these sandmen Sandmen ruining construction sites Sir they're homeless people No, they are made of sand. I've seen this.

That's a skeleton. No, we wash them away with water. That's the only way to get rid of sand men. Chuck them across the other side of the huts and make them Jersey's problem. And then Christy starts eating them. Oh, my God. Is this like a 9-11 thing? Yeah.

Is this racial profile? Stronger than the sand, man. People in New Jersey, New York area will get that reference. So, yeah, so he's dead. there's a funeral. Nobody cares. I think at this point though, our versions change again. So then Peter and Mary Jane

sit down in a coffee shop and he explains exactly what was going on and he decides to go to counseling. No, they just apologize for the domestic abuse and they just decide that they're safer apart. No, no, they don't. Oh, that doesn't happen? No, no. Not in any version. Oh, really?

No, that's just in your head. It's a fever dream Steve. Wait, so how does your version in? I don't remember. I mean, it's just he goes to her restaurant and proposes that I stood up She's asked to sing again Yes So many mozzarella sticks

But like no And she starts singing cold I see them in the basket Oh fuck I see them in the basket She's singing again I see them They're getting colder in the basket God damn it

And then he he escorts her down from it They dance for a bit And then he's gonna propose it Yeah And who cares And there's like no dial Oh, yeah. No, zero. I am. No, no apologies. I am asleep. See, there's no indication of a proposal from what I saw. Like, he goes to the club and they like awkwardly hug and they're both like miserable. It's kind of a weird like we still hate each other at the end of this movie. Okay. And then it hits credits. That'd be better. It works a little better. Is that your cut? That was that editor's cut. Oh, okay. Yeah. Because like in this one, they're like super happy and they love each other. No, no way. They just kind of hug like, yeah. All right. Everything fucking sucks.

Yeah, exactly. That's what being in your 20s is all about. That's true. That is very true. And your 30s, too, weird. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Does everything suck forever? Okay, great. And that is the end of Spider-Man 3. Except for my favorite credit in the world, which is nowadays

VFX Master, I guess just FX Master, but the Walking Dead's Greg Nicotero. Uh-huh. Credit in this movie as operating a dog puppet? What dog puppet? I don't know. Where was there a dog in this movie?

Did the Sandman get into a dog? You know, that Sandman went into that dog. I don't know. It was just dog puppet. Gregory Nicodagh. Get out of there. Get out of it. Get out of that dog.

I left the sand that was supposed to be my dick in that dog. No, it's not what you're thinking. I just got my sand everywhere. Oh, hey, Peter, when you showered this morning, Could you mail me some of that sand that fell out of your pain? That was my ring finger. Some of the sand man probably got inside of Peter Parker.

There is that scene where he takes his boot off and all this sand comes out. Have you ever been to the beach? It should turn back into parts of that shirt. Have you ever been to the Thomas Hayden Church? Actually, we didn't mention, but he makes good with Spider-Man. And then he blows away.

I'm sorry. I have a sick. daughter did you see the movie goodbye yeah it's a sick daughter oh cool you ruined my life yeah I know you kind of no you didn't but whatever

and that's that's the end of Spider-Man 3 and then they were going to make a fourth one and abruptly cancelled it and rebooted it yep take that would anybody recommend this movie no no no no you can but I do think the first two were great

if I had to I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm coming is really new in my head. I want to say it's the best one, but I still like Spider-Man 2 after all these years. So I have to give it more credence, I think. Okay. But it's probably two homecoming, Spider-Man one, and then it's just a fucking cliff. It's like probably it's probably, it's probably amazing Spider-Man, then probably three. And then, yeah, and then Spider-Man 3, then Amazing Spider-Man 2. Because I do think Amazing Spider-Man 2 is worse. I disagree on that effect but that's fine I just hate this fucking movie this is my least favorite Marvel movie it's wow

it really is of all of them all of them I would watch the last stand happily Wolverine Origins even that because it's so stupid Silver Surfer yes

you're crazy you're not fucking nuts I love how much Chris dislikes this movie I hate this fucking movie but yeah so don't see it ever if you can

can avoid it. I do like both the other Rameys. I haven't seen Homecoming yet. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, I mean, you know, see one and maybe two if you're curious. That's it. I didn't see Homecoming yet. And I hate the amazing Spider-Man movies, probably more than all of these.

Yeah, yeah. That's it. That's it for me. Bye. Orc left. Bye, Eric. Door slam sound effect. Yeah.

I would say that these three Ramey movies are all totally reliable hangover movies. Yes, that's fair. This movie is a fucking turd salad. If you ever saw one, I did see Homecoming. I love it. I think it would be Homecoming, Ramee 2, Ramey 1, Amazing 1, Ramey 3, Turkish Spider-Man, and then Amazing 2. Where is Italian Spider-Man? Oh, is that what I was thinking of?

I thought there's also a Turkish one of those silly. Oh, wait, I'm back. Oh, no. I'm back. I'm back in podcast for... That fucking Jamie Fox one that we did. Actually, funny enough, at the start of this season, is the most rants one.

Oh, that is weird. We kind of bookend with Spider-Man. I didn't even realize it. Yeah, how funny is that? It was on purpose. It was a funny joke. It was a funny, funny joke. We were building the arc all through the season.

Oh, yeah. See it. Now you look back. All the clues. Oh, the clues are so there the whole time. Go re-listen to the whole season. Right. The Transformers'athon was kind of like the venom at the very end. That's Spider-Man 3, directed by Sam Ramey.

If you want more WHM, check us out on our website, WHMpodcast.com, or find us over at the HeadGum Network. Rate and view the show wherever you get it. We would greatly appreciate that, of course. Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. We are at WHM podcast and right into that mailbag. I guess for a September issue we are coming back

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please respond we all hate movies at gmail.com yes this is indeed the final episode of we hate movies season seven thank you so much

for your continued support over the years and months we all hate We Hate Movies. We will have in August new episodes of the nexus and animation damnation.

That's correct. So we'll be going away but not going away if you're on Patreon. We're also going to have... We're not going away here either. There's reruns going on. There's reruns.

There might be a couple surprises. And just FYI, what reruns are, everybody, our episodes, our first 100 episodes are not really available on anyone's feed. So we take old episodes that aren't available, make them available again.

on the main feed to put a fun little bumper there. The first next week what are we doing everybody? Batman forever. That's right. The superhero thing continues. Yes. That's a great episode. People really like that one. People like Batman. So revisit that next week.

And then we'll be back with new episodes on this main feed sometime in September. After Labor Day. Some time after Labor Day. Well, we can't wear white anymore, but we'll be back making new episodes. We Hate Movies Season 8 will happen. Thank you. so much again for your continued support and you know what spend these next few weeks just

spreading the word about the show you know what i mean like tell that grandma of yours like hey you don't have a lot of time left aunt may why don't you start listening to we hate movies how about a two hour episode on spider man three you haven't seen it oh those we hate movies boys also uh rate and review in iTunes right wherever you already said that motherfucker oh he did well sorry Christ all right all right but marketing machine it's uh you know it doesn't hurt to remind people right you want if you could why don't you rate and review in iTunes honestly oh great idea Eric thank you so much for bringing really I really final I think we bring that up people don't realize how much it actually helps if you want to support

the show you cannot you know contribute to the Patreon we understand give us a rating or a review you second me so anyway before we end the show I just want to say before we end for the season right I also want to just quickly say please rate and review on iTunes it would really help the show It's true It's a good one Great job Eric

Thank you so much I can't believe you caught that That's so great Thank us all Thank us all Right now So until the fall I'm Andrew Jupin

Stephen Sadek Chris Cabin Eric Siska Take it easy