We Hate Movies - S7 Ep313: Episode 313 - Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer: Live in Portland!

Episode Date: August 15, 2017

Recorded live, Saturday, June 24th, 2017 On this week's episode, the guys are live from Mississippi Studios in the gorgeous city of Portland! Taking a break from the beautiful world of recreational dispensaries, the fellas try to get to the bottom of: Why wasn't Paul Giamatti cast as Galactus? Why did they bother jamming Doctor Doom in this sequel? And would the Thing really be able to fly on a commercial airplane? PLUS: Remember on Friends when Ross had to murder his own monkey? Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer stars Ioan Gruffudd, Jessica Alba, Chris Evans, Michael Chiklis, Julian McMahon, Kerry Washington, Andre Braugher, and Laurence Fishburne; directed by Tim Story. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Thank you. I'm going to be able to stay. I really know it's not very far away. I really know it's not very cherry. You know what we're going to be. Hey, I'm sorry. We didn't eat. Go back to the ring when you knew.

What's new is where I wanted to go. Yeah, yeah! Portland, what is happening? Yeah! Yeah. All right, you all right? Yeah, you good? I got it.

So, could you answer him, what is happening? Individually start from there. One thing about yourself and your name. My name is Andrew Jupin. My name is Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. Steven Sadeh. And we are We Hate Movies from New York City.

How are y'all doing this evening? Good, good. How many true believers out there in the audience? It's a question. In We Hate Movies terms, like, what does that mean? Oh, no, I mean just like people that believe in Stan. Believe in, like, his existence, or believe that he created all those characters? And that he's the son of God.

Yeah. No, it was a false flag operation. Stanley never really existed. I have video evidence that proves that Stanley is a reptilian. I'm going to tell it on Megan Kelly, that lying witch. InfoWars.Surf. He's either that or some type of ventriloquist dummy. Info fart.

I think that I was smoking a day next to the sack of shit and I was like Alex Jones Alex Jones could be a Marvel character Exactly Oh radioactive piece of shit He'd be like

He'd be like King Pins loser brother And his sidekick YouTube boy I think in that Stan Lee commercial that we played He's fucking lying through his teeth. Nobody

cares about Galactus. What are you talking about? He's also lit up. Oh, he's high as a kite. I was like, what am I doing today? All right, great. Galactus? I know that guy. This one, he went, I got this. Hold my mustache.

Yeah, that's right. He doesn't have a mustache. It's bone chilling. Oh my God, a mustacheless Stanley. It's like a cat without hair. Anybody know any people that got them their hairless cats? That's creepy shit.

So I was smoking a J and I decided to eat a planet and I was thinking Galactus. And a real case of the Munchies, man, real fucking bad. So let's talk about Galactus or the lack thereof. Well, sure, right? Well, this is, hang out a second. Hang out, this is a very important question. Okay.

How many people are familiar with the show we run on the internet? And any first-timeers out here? Did you get tricked into coming to the show? here against Joan Will. Apologies in advance. Apologies in advance. Apologies in advance. Also, by the way, this is your first time. This is a late show.

Guys, we're going to get fucking disgusting. It's the age-old we-hate movies question. Why does this alien not have a genitalia? We are going to figure it out. It is Fantastic 4-Colon, Rise of the Silver Surfer, from 2007, directed by Tim Story, Barbershop's Tim Story. Ride-alongs Tim's Tim's story. Ride-along's Tim's story.

That's cool. Taxis. Taxis Tim's story? Yeah. I got a legitimate laughing taxi. Oh, wow. Cut to me like seven years ago, I laughed at that movie. That was a Latifa laugh, though, right?

I was definitely at Queen Latifah. I'm laughing at Jimmy Fallon. What are you fucking crazy? Oh, I'm in movies. Blah! Thank you for your service to this nation. Can I? Can I? Yeah, yeah. Oh, oh, feel me.

Feel me. Feel me like my wife won't. Bravo. Wow. You know what, Eric, that made you very relatable. I'm going to vote for you now. Somebody tussled your hair, even though you're a huge racist and a piece of shit. That is true. I want to vote for you. That was fun.

I thought that was fun. It's very cute. It's very cute, Eric. So, Silver Surfer, you were making a point about. the Silver Server before he interrupted you. In June of 2007, this movie came out. Ooh, I like that. In February, they were still figuring out

if they were going to have Galactus in this movie or not. They were like, oh shit, man. We kind of slept on that Galactus thing. I don't think they made a decision, though. No. Lawrence Fishbourne was hired, and then they were like, oh, you want to be the Silver Surfer instead? Because we didn't get any of them graphics.

We couldn't figure that helmet out. We've been working really hard on Alpa's tick bouncing. We got that down to a good science now. How do you make an invisible tit bounce? Still trying to crack that CGI science. We've been dropping a lot of water balloons on the floor gently. Could you guys animate Galactus already? God damn it? All right, man. What do you think?

It should just look like a big asshole. A big... There's like a galactic chocolate starfish. Just right up there. Chocolate starfish. Yeah, man. Lip biscuit. Chocolate stop is.

Chew it, chew it, chew it, chew it. But here's my question. Just hire an actor and put a stupid helmet on him and call it a fucking... Well, put it that Pope hat on, right? Yeah, yeah. Galactus has... Oh, he's got like a Pope hat,

but it's got like branches. No. Get Paul Giamati in there as Galactus. I'm gonna eat these fucking worlds. I'm gonna eat them out. Oh, PG, you fat fuck, you ain't two planets today, Galactus. You had to eat two.

Two worlds. You forgot your stupid fucking Pope Hat? You fucked it up again, you moron. Oh, man, I gotta go crew in space, Virginia Matson. When you get home, I'm gonna space kill yourself. I know you think I eat planets, but I'm not that guy. What was Larry Fishburton's thing was like, oh, you want me to do a different voice?

will I still get money. So we start with a cloud of Galactus just kind of farting on some planets and I was like wow that's impressive. And then you're watching it and you're like caught up in this like galactic fart cloud and then it's like squeak and the silver surfer

comes out and just darts across the universe and you're like look at that. I paid $13 for that. It's like a little piece of shit that comes out right before a fart. It just goes. Galactus sharded and that was the an inciting incident for this movie. I do appreciate that Silver Surfer

makes bowling ball holes for each planet that Galactus needs. Oh, right. Oh yeah, the sinkholes. So he can get his fat fingers in there. Right. Here's the thing. This is a Fantastic Four movie. It's a sequel. Is it? We should start with like an action scene

starting the Fantastic Four and being like, I remember these characters. That's cool. Because we already spent 93 minutes the last time learning all about them. And they're squabble. and the ins and outs, the ups and downs, the ups and downs. I know they can bicker. I know they can bicker. Yeah, oh, can they ever?

It's legendary bickering. That's all they do. Yeah. We start with them getting on a plane. I'm like, come the fuck on. They're like at a fucking commercial terminal, too. They're flying like southwest. I was like, don't you own a building? You own a building in downtown Manhattan. You should be able to select your fucking seat on an airplane. Also, aren't you the protectors?

of the planet at this point? Well, in this particular part of the Marvel universe. Are they? Yeah, probably. Like, there we go. Hey, cool. Here's about, how can an orange rock monster get on any plane whatsoever? That's a great question. It's got to be like a freight plane and stuff. He's too fat to fly. He is.

He is. Like, he's not going to fit in a normal seat. He's a rock monster that could lift cars. Dude, he's not getting through airport security. You can't fit through that thing. Like, put your arms up over your head. Also, is the TSA just ignoring all the footage of Chris Evans setting himself on fucking fire?

Yeah, totally. I can't bring a book of matches, but that dude can get on a plane? I think I heard him say Al-A-Aqbar once, like before it happened, so I don't know about this. Oh, my lord. I didn't say it, he didn't. I don't know. I think Johnny Storm said it. He does have a shitty line here where they all get stuck together in the back of the plane,

and they're like, where you going, Johnny? And he goes, I don't fly, coach. I was like, I fucking hate this movie. Keep your fucking jokes, man. Yikes. Yeah, and so much of the... It feels like a late period friends episode. Like, everyone's just on autopilot

and just hanging out, you know what I mean? Like, oh, the monkey's long gone at this point. Oh, no, I had to put my monkey down. You remember that episode where Ross had to shoot his own monkey in the head? What? No, it was fucking tragic, man. censored that a lot, though. Yeah, it was nominated for an Emmy.

Did he put the gun in its mouth, or how do you do it? It was like a little capuchin monkey, man. You just needed like a 22, phew. Could that monkey's brains be all over my walls anymore? Or something to that effect, right? Sweet friends, really. Yeah, no problem, man. You know what, do you guys know what the world is obsessed with

at the very moment this movie starts? What's that? The Wedding of the Century. Oh. Because we give a shit that two superheroes we kind of don't even know are getting married. But the world is stopping for the pending nuptials of Dr. Fantastic and the invisible woman. But he is a doctor. Oh, dude, he's got like nine degrees.

What are you even talking about? He's not allowed to be called a doctor? I mean, he is. Dr. Richards. Here's your male, Dr. Richards. It's Stan Lee. Oh, it's Mr. It's Mr. Fantastic.

So he's only Mr. Fantastic, but he's Dr. Richard? Yes. But no one ever was like Dr. Fantastic? I mean, maybe somebody. That is so stupid. I guess Dr. Fantastic sounds like a floor cleaning thing. They're like, man, my toilet looked terrible. But Dr. Fantastic took care of it.

Like maybe when he goes to the CDC, maybe there they call him Doctor Fantastic. Oh, yeah, dude. Reed Richards stretching around all those viruses in there. And what's this guy, the actor's name, Ian Griffithor? No, it's Andy Griffith. Oh, perfect. We looked it up on YouTube, and I already forgot it. Yeah, the Yohen Griffith.

Yoan Gryffitt? Yoan. Yoan. Yoin! Yoin! You're going to be kidding if he came in, yes. Yeah, he looks like shit when he stretches, doesn't it? It looks an absolute garbage.

We also didn't concentrate too much on the stretching technology in the CGR room. Oof. Well, it's to do just mind-bending things like him. Mind-bend. putting a suitcase in an upper already stretches across the cabin oh man my heart is in my throat when that scene happens right the pulse pounding action of fantastic this is a this is a superhero my god

so he's like being an aloof dick and they're trying to plan a wedding and he's just kind of being a jerk about it and he's he's obsessed with this PDA because it's 2007 we're saying PDA too it's pretty cool I thought he was going to pull out a Newton. Oh, you think you lost his stylus? Oh, no. Beat up Martin. That's not a wizard. That's a Willard. But why do we care about this wedding?

Like, who thought, and this is, didn't Mark Frostco write this movie? Yeah, yeah, Mr. Twin Peaks. Mr. Co. Twin Peaks. What are we doing? Meester. Fantastic. You have to get out of the Black Lodge.

Dr. Richard. Don't eat that clue Yeah I just don't Who gives a fuck That two superheroes are going to give me Have them be married at the beginning And let's get

Sure No you do need a sweet Brian Possein cameo So you want that You want to write that in Man you know I love Brian Possein Brian Possein as the officiant in this movie Are they Catholic by the way He's like a Catholic priest

that makes sense I don't know honestly ask the person in the Pope have but like a stretchy person that's a fucking abomination to the Lord Christ I don't know this sounds like unitarian to me

there's a there's a there's a wallman that can put force fields on her feet and walk across water sounds like unitarian to me they're cool with stuff yeah so there's like a lot of

the Silver Surfer comes on earth and starts like comes on Earth? He arrives. That's even worse. All of this land will be flooded with my seed as I, the Silver Surfer,

come on Earth. Okay, while we're talking about it, what does he come out of? Because he's just got that bump. It's just that bump. Is it like a liquid metal, or is it like just, does it excrete?

The bumps excrete? The first one was sounding pretty good. Like it just extends out of it. Or maybe it comes out of the surfboard. Yeah! Or the surfboard attaches, like Power Rangers? Oh, shit. It's Morphan Time.

Wait, the board becomes a dick? Yes. I love it. Yeah, that's great. I love it. Come to me, my board, and rub my bump. Merge with my bump. He doesn't say, come to me my board in this movie.

No, I know. That's like his thing. It's like Bart Simpson saying, Calabunga. How do you fuck that up? There's even a part where he's off the board, and the board comes back. and he doesn't say anything. Well, that would be just too silly, Andrew.

That's just, you know, it's going to run the day out. Oh, we've got to concentrate on his wedding. That's the thing. Stanley wanted more for that. So he freezes some pyramids, and then he causes the cheapest blackout effect I've ever seen. It's just a picture of Dodger Stadium, and they, like, turn the lights down.

And you hear, like, a bunch of like, oh, no. Like one single carhomb happens. I was ordering a pizza. Again, all the budget is going into invisible boob technology. That's important. It's a very important thing. It's not wasted.

No, you know what, sir? Turns out they figured it out. What a shock. They figured that part out. So not only are you going to see the fucking awful wedding, but you got to go to Reed Richards Bachelor Party. Oh, man.

This is the best part of the movie. Oh, yeah. As far as, like, if you were like, man, I wonder if there's something I could watch that would give me instant diarrhea. It's Reed Richards' Bachelor party scene.

Johnny Storm's organizing the whole thing because of course he is and they walk into some hot shit club. Yeah. And there's all these people and he's like, well say Johnny, I don't know any of these people. He's like, yeah, because you don't have any fucking friends. Here we go. Well, the best thing is the thing is dressed like Tony Soprano because

he always is. Dude, the stretchier, the better man. So he meets some ladies and he's chatting him up and then he starts to dance. Oh boy, yeah. And this is like the worst cinematic decision I've ever seen.

Like this was kept in the movie, like the Twilight Zone helicopter shot, like, pf. Better decision than the dance. Wait, wait, wait, wait. You could, in that movie, you could actually see those kids dying? No, I'm just saying, like, the guy that was like, yeah, we'll shoot it at night.

That guy did a better job than the person was like, no, he'll dance. I definitely agree that the Twilight Zone movie is a better movie than that is. Oh, even with Dan Aykroy dressed up as that Howie Mandel Monster character. Especially.

So yeah, he's like dancing and stretching and these ladies are like, oh, that's fun. No, and that's the thing. They don't know if it's fun or fucking disgusting. Yeah, that's true. Because you're on like a crowded dance floor, and this dude is kind of just doing this. It's pretty much this. And then he goes, whoop, and this leg

goes out, like 11. and you're like, is that disgusting? I don't know if I'm turned on or nauseous. Also, you're definitely kicking a knee out when you do that. There are at least five people falling over one to their death. At least one person would throw up if they saw that, right? Like on the dance foot, bloc. Dr. Reed Richards causes nightclub tragedy.

But also, no, if the thing goes up to a dance club, everyone leaves. Like, most people leave. If a rock monster isn't a club, I'd leave. It's a rock monster. Oh, we both did. I want the B-52s to do my wedding. Fred Schneider will play your wedding. He also, the thing is doing a lot of fat guy shimmy.

Yeah, yeah. Like, he's dancing like the little caddyshack guy. I'm all right. Ain't about to worry about me. I got no friends. It's just disgusting. And he's on this dance floor. Oh, the thing is drinking pictures of beer, too.

That's hilarious. Because he realizes that he, like, had a chance to be... At the end of the first movie, like, he could be normal. And then he's like, no, I got to stick up for my friends and live like a rock monster for the rest of my life. It's a rock monster. And every day, he's just drinking himself after death, right? Totally.

Well, because you have Carrie Washington at home, like, you did what? You were one way, and then you had the chance... Oh, and then what happened? Oh, fuck this. And that first movie they kind of played as, like, we both have a disability because she's blind and it's like that's what they bond over. Not the same thing. Not anymore, motherfucker. Wait, we had

a chance to have like sexual intercourse and you did what? Fuck you. Do your fucking fat guy shimmy alone forever. And for what? Mutant honor. Honor amongst the mutants. So Andre Brower shows up in this movie. Yes. He's like the general

of something. Yeah, no problem. Thank you. We are not known for smooth segues. Hunter Brower shows up and he goes to, he breaks into Reed Richards, he goes to the Baxter building. There's a holographic secretary because someone thought that was a good idea. I thought, is this a thing from the comics? I don't know.

Was someone like, fucking sweet, it's Dawn. The holographic secretary. Awesome. This movie's got everything. No, not Herbie. No, not Herbie. No, that was the love bug, sir. It was a sentient, shitty car.

So... Slash matchmaker. They all break into this dance club and, like, Jessica Alba's like, he's dancing with two women. I'm mad or something. I don't know, because why would I act? Look at my...

Look at my natural blue eyes. Yeah. Ooh. This is weird. It's like the Wayans brothers in white chicks. where they look like robots? She looks like a robot in this movie. Don't bother.

She's fine as she is. Don't put blue contacts in there. It's fine. Just let her be Jessica Alba. No, it's going to be like, that Sue Storm has blue eyes, you fuck, and leave the theater. No, no, no, they wouldn't leave the theater,

but they would definitely write that on the internet. Well, that's true. Dear Reddit, I just watch this fucking bullshit trailer and I have some things to say. I honestly don't think she should be stealing parts from potential blonde actors. Not enough friends. I know you're sensitive on this point.

He's also doing weird like I'm gonna wrap these babes up like a snake coil. Oh, bad, dude. You're not getting away. No, man. You're dancing with Doctor Fantastic. Can you imagine what this would be like naked?

Let's explore that. What's that dick doing, man? You know, dude. wraps around him like a boa constrictor. Oh, no, dude. I got to tell you, man, if I could do that, I'd never leave the house. I'm just saying, let's get real, man.

He could stretch out and like jerk itself off. Now I don't have to stop playing video games. Perfect. We fucking told you. Did we, though? So that happens, and they have a conversation. Andre Brow's like, oh, the world is ending. And there's some, like, bad blood from back in the old days

between Andre Brower and Mr. Fantastic, and no one could give a shit. Dude, it's briefly mentioned the thing garbles something about how Reed Richards testified against this guy. I was like, show me that. Show me that dude, hit in the courtroom. Absolutely. The woman's, like, coming over to give him the Bible, the swearing.

He's like, don't bother. Stay where you are. Is that disrespectful? Might be, right? No, who cares? I'm just saying it would be pretty cool. You see that happen on a law and order? You shit your pants.

Are you up in the middle of a law and order? Someone stretched, absolutely. And nobody mentioned it before or after. Like, Raoul Asparza looks over a chart and he's like, oh, hang on a second. I forgot my notepad. Fwreau. And it goes like back to his office.

And he just vomits for an hour out of fear. Yeah, totally. It would be great. So we cut to the wedding of the century. Of the century. And we get more like weird sex shit because Johnny Storm shows up with a woman. And they're like, oh, what's it like to date the human torch? And she goes, well, fireproof lingerie and a lot of aloe.

And I'm like, ew. Ew. Is he, he's burning these guys? Yeah, I'm burning them, read. Stop me. Read, teach me how to fog. You build something to fix them. Instead of edging, he's singeing all night.

Oh, mercy me. Yeah, yeah. It's a late show. That's a weird line for essentially a kid's movie. Yeah. Is it actually PG? What? I don't think Tim Story doesn't.

PG-13. It's too dirty for him. That barbershop movie's PG-13. Is he going all on fire when he's in, on them? Wait, who? Or does he just shoot fire when he adjusts? No, no. That come is room temperature. Well, that's nice. Maybe that's how he like

puts him out. So, Brian Possein is there. The Silver Surfer just so happens to fly over, causing a helicopter disaster at your wedding. Speaking of Twilight Zone. But we... Too soon, come on.

Movie came out 30 years ago. They're all long dead. And it's stupid because they start fantastic foring all over the place but they're not in the suits. So you're still just like, well, there's nothing I came here to see. I want that dumb blue jumpsuit.

All of them. The thing's dumb blue pants. And then. human torch starts to chase the silver surfer and he touches him for some reason and now the rest of the movie he can switch powers with everybody? Well, because the first

one, each of them got to show off their powers. For 47 minutes. For the entire movie. By the way, wedding of the century, you're calling that in 2007? Dude, that's what we were doing though. It was like, it's early on so we can sneak

it in and then better beat it. It's like, though, the wedding of the century, the movie of the century. Like, we had all that shit go in me. But to be fair, if an elastic man married an invisible woman, that would be a pretty spectacular event. It would be quite fantastic. You know, I know it was terrible.

Mr. and Mrs. Fantastic. Oh, yeah, she's taking his name? Maybe. All right. I don't know. I'd take her name. Mr. Storm. Yeah, that's pretty cool, man. Mrs. Fantastic. Sounds like an American God's character.

Does it? Yes. I don't know a single person who's watching that show. A lot of people watch that show? Yeah, all right. All right. Maybe someday I'll get stars.

You all know you're bootlegging it on Torrance. You don't have stars. Come on. And I don't know. Oh, wait. Totally non-important plot point, or at least it should be... They're all non-important, Andrew. On his, like, little trip of, like, poking holes in the planet,

and he flies over Latvier. and wakes up a character who should not be in this movie is Dr. Dune, played by that guy from the plastic surgery show Julian McMahon. Yeah, yes. And his eyebrows that just kind of go like this. Oh yeah, they got a mind of his own man his eyeballs? It's disgusting. That's 80% of his craft. He's great. I love this dude's acting style. It's like his style is almost coming.

Like if you give his character like a juicy piece of information and he's like I believe they'd call that ever edging I like him more now that I know this wasn't ever edging that dude who was like a Boston rapper and now he's a blues artist no that's Everlast oh that was ever edging

you might have also been thinking of Everwood Oh no What is Everwood? Is that a show? Yes Wait it was that guy was a criminal that was on that show The guy from Substitute 2 The Treat Williams? The Treat Williams on a show called Everwood.

Yes. What was he doing, chopping down trees? Yes. Was he seriously, a lumberjack? I don't know. I know. I was thinking of seventh heaven. Oh, no, that guy's got a series of troubles. That guy's why you can't watch Star Trek

the motion picture anymore. That's a problem. I'll watch it, but I won't be happy, but I'm so mad I'm watching this movie. That's what I was thinking watching this, actually. I'll watch it, but I'll be. haunted for a month. Yeah, I don't know.

So, like, the Silver Surfer is fucking around now Dr. Doom's involved, and, like, I don't know there's a lot of stuff happening. But we agree that Dr. Doom shouldn't be in this movie. No, not at all. Like, just give those lines to the Silver Surfer, and or hire a Galactus dude. Paul Giamatti.

Oh, boy, I'm doing voice work up against the great Larry Fishburne. What's that? We won't share a studio? Checks out. Hey, Larry, it's my bird. Oh, you laugh. So what is the point of Galactus? He just eats planets.

Yeah. That's it? Yeah. That's it. You ever been to Assisi's a pizza buffet? No. No, I haven't. Is it Galactus in every one of those?

Yes. Oh, Galactus is a franchise owner of a C.C.? Yeah, that makes sense. I figured it more for a CPK, man. Oh, California. Or a Pizza Hut. That'd be nice. Pizza Hut.

It's a big dude who looks like an ass. asshole owns your pizzeria. That checks out. That's almost every Pizza Hut chain ever. Find me a polite Pizza Hut manager. I'll give you $1,000. So, the thing and human torch, we find out that they

switch powers because they switch powers. This is disgusting. I think Mr. Fantastic is like, oh no, I think you might be able to switch powers. And the thing's like, yes, please. And grabs him, and he's like, oh, now it looks like Michael Chickless. Trade up, I guess. And like, the

weird thing is, like, Chris Evans' thing is disgusting. That'll keep you up at night. He's got, like, hair. It's a street fighter character. Yes. Yes. Of some kind. It doesn't have a name, but it's a street fighter character. It's one of Blanca's

friends. Yeah. He's a member of Blanca's support group. It's okay, Blanca. But first he switches with Sue, right? Oh, right. That's where we get the nudie scene, the fire crotch, and everything. Yeah, dude.

She's, like, screaming. She's flying around like... She's burning. Well, she's completely nude. Her cartoon character's nude. Yes, to be fair. Are you talking about naked cartoons? Oh, shit.

Dark corner of the internet, man. Oh, man. We're going to be mainstream soon. You just wait. Alt-right's already there, man. We don't have to hide on the dark web anymore, naked cartoons. Some tentacles?

They were shaming cartoon fetishists at their show. Yeah, somebody did. You know, if that's what you like to do, that's totally fine. It's okay to like a pornography. However, if you... I feel like if you turned into the thing

and I knew that whatever the thing was, I would go to the bathroom immediately to see what the dick situation was. Yeah, yeah, yeah, one second, Ben Greggone. Oh, wow. It's just a bunch of pebbles stacked up to each other. That would finally, like, shut Johnny Storm up to, right? Because he's constantly doing this.

He makes some gross joke. He's like, oh, so when you're having sex with your girlfriend, what's the Mug Slide situation? And I don't even know what that means, Johnny Storm. I just know it's gross. Actually, we call it Skippin' Stones. Oh, man. Actually, Johnny, I just jerk off on her feet and cry.

That's just, that's all I could do. That's the beginning and end of it. The beginning, man. Yeah, so she's naked. There's a bunch of people like taking photographs of her. Oh, yeah, like E does a story on it. Yeah, E without an exclamation point, right?

Cheaping. We're only paying for the letter, man. I'm not paying for that exclamation mark, trademark. Oh, we skipped Stanley's cameo. Oh, this is some meta- shit, though, man. I don't know that this makes sense entirely. Well, because he's in the last movie as a mailman, and in this movie he's posing as Stan Lee, I guess.

No, dude, he is Stan Lee. That's what's crazy about this. But everyone hates Stan Lee in this world. Stan Lee is IRL in the fucking world that he also created. And he's like, I'm Stan Lee. My characters are getting married. Let me in. You bitch!

Sir, do you have your medication on you? Are those my marvellites in there? And he's, like, thrown off the roof of the Baxter building. He's never seen again. I think he's presumed dead. He's definitely dead. That dude is dead. Pavement pizza, man.

Well, it's in my will that when I die, they have to dig up Jack Kirby and throw him in a dumpster, and then I take his grave. I'm sleeping in Kirby's grave. It's just, look, it's my final wish, Mighty Marvelites. You can't say no, it's my final wish.

So, he was very clear on this point. You are to resurrect Jack Kirby and get him to dig the grave. Oh, man. For Stan Lee. And then you kill him again. That's right. We're going to enact some necromancy,

and you're going to dig my fucking grave, Kirby. How about that? We were best friends. And then thank my fucking corpse for it. That dude, rip. that guy off. That's what that bit's about. That dude fucking robbed that

man. Blind. So Silver Surfer is making it snow everywhere and Oh, the weather outside is frightful. And this movie is not delightful. Nice. Yeah, no. I thought it was pretty dulcuit. No, and then there's a bunch of science

shit. There's so much research going on. A lot of research in these movies. Oh, and then the Dr. Doom meets the Silver surfer. He's like, hey, I'm in this movie. And he like heals him. He's like, oh yeah, I'm so mad at you. I'm going to heal your rotten face. Well, we're ripping off Batman a little bit in this movie because like Dr. Doom is in a

thing, like in a chair. He's like strapped in. Some dude's like soldering the mask off of his rotten face or something. And you see his hand and it's doing like the Jack Nicholson like hand twitch thing from like 89 Batman. And then he like throws the doctor out of the way. He doesn't break a mirror though. That would

have been cool. Well, then he's just walking around like a Sith Lord. Yeah. Well, hoods were big. Yeah, especially in Latvirian. Oh, yeah. Latvarians love hoods. The ceremonial hood.

But Silver Surfer turns him into fucking dust, and then he's better. And now he's actually full Julianne McMahon with any of the robot scars. Hold on, maybe the Silver Surfer is like the Genesis device, you know? Oh. It'll bring a planet that's dead to life. It'll bring a life planet to dead. Right? You know what this is all right?

Your galactic math is correct. Star Trek 3. Oh. That's the search for Spock. Oh, I see. That one. He's the Genesis device. Why you're trying to fucking find him, Chris.

So, like, Andre Brower is upset because Reed Richards is getting results, and he's like, oh, let me go to this known terrorist. This is a bad decision by Andre Brower. Yeah, because literally he, like, destroyed Midtown like six months ago and like, oh, this guy's back from the dead? Awesome. Be part of our team, please.

And you feel terrible, man, is one of the best actors we have working today. He's fucking awesome. And you're like, oh, man, Andre Brower, this movie. We wind up in England for some reason. The Millennium Wheel falls off at steeple there. Well, because we are, yeah, so we're doing a bunch of math, which is so fucking exciting.

Oh, yeah, for sure. And Reed Richards determines, like, oh, he's like doing these holes through a mathematical sequence. And the next spot is cut to London, is the idea. We're chasing this guy all over the globe, Oh, it's exciting. Yeah, it's like a James Bond film. It's globetrotting from one green screen location of the next. Oh, this is when they act like

they overhear that Mr. Fantastic and Sue Storm are going to break up the Fantastic Four. Oh, right. These two grown adult men act like babies for an hour. They're like, I can't believe it. I'm like, just talk to them. Well, one's a grown adult man, the other one's a grown adult rock monster. Well, I might only point out that they're

pissed off that they took a 20 minute break between deciding to do it and doing it. Yeah, they're like, oh, you didn't tell me. I'm like, I just had that conversation. Like, we had this conversation, and then we went to the airport. It happened one right after

the other. To go to London. Do you not remember this, Johnny? We had this conversation. Stop hiding things from me. Oh, man. And also, by the way, the thing is not in a helicopter. Yeah, that's true. That thing's not getting off. He can't be on a plane. He definitely cannot be on a helicopter.

Jesus. Yeah. He needs reckless shit. He needs a special like forklift that just like like get me the worst

and riskiest pilot in the world the thing has to go to England because he he's got away

5,000 pounds he's a rock monster one of those planes that can like fly a fucking tank over to Yemen

that's what you need you get you transport them like Dracula you put a bunch of dirt

dirt on him put him on a boat and strap them down You got to cover them with dirt so no one asks questions. What's in there? Oh, dirt and rocks.

So many rocks. It's a geology experiment. I'm studying geology. Oh, and pants for some reason. Oh, yeah. There's a pair of pants in there. Don't mind that blue pair of pants. I wrap those nice rocks around with the pants.

Those are nice rocks, man. Why do the things sometimes want shirts and other times not. Like, does he get hot? The shirt comes off when it's clobbering. Oh, that's right. I was said battle time.

I guess it's the same thing. But, yeah, but, like, you know, it's like dinner parties, your friend's wedding. Where you're wearing a shirt. Yeah, that's when you're putting a shirt on. Around the house. Yeah, sure.

There's nobody wants to look at that. On vacation, question mark. No, that's where the shirt's off. Oh, yeah, I think so. Totally. You let like an iguana sun on you. Hey, Reid, look at this little guy. Oh, can I keep him?

What a superhero. You go try to get food on the boardwalk, and they're like, no shirt, no shoes. Come on, I'm a rock. It takes me an hour to put a shirt on. Oh, stupid. So we have this big botched rescue mission. They're trying to save these people from a ferris wheel.

Like the human torch fucks it up, and then everyone's like, You fucked up, Johnny. And he turns into Reed Richards that he looks disgusting. Oh, yeah, because he just turns into, like, a blob. He doesn't know how to keep himself together. Yeah.

Oh, it's gross. It looks like Water Jelly Man from X-Men. Yes. Oh, yeah. Oh, beloved Water Jelly Man. Wait, which one is that? That's, like, half of them, right? Bruce Davidson.

Oh, right. The Senator. Yeah. Senator Water Jelly. The floor would like to recognize Senator Water Jelly. The floor would like to recognize Senator Water Jelly. Senator Water Jelly Man definitely doesn't believe in global warming. Or health care.

Hoax! I'm a water jellyman and I'm fine. No, it's paid for my health care. Slip. Magneto paid for my health insurance. Well, that's fair, though. If they were actually honest to goodness, like Rock Monsters, like I would not want to pay. for their health care. Like, you know what I mean? Like, that's my limit. Like, because the thing about that, the ERs are not going to have

like, what, jaws of life in there. Jack hammers. How do you open that? You cannot put the thing in an ambulance. Not at all. He just can't fit. It's not going to happen. No, that's like a do not resuscitate order. Where would you put the paddles? That's a great question.

The pants. Definitely the pants. I think one in the groin, one in the face. Yeah, the eyebrows. The eyebrows are probably good. Dude, Michael Chiklis totally has lips in this movie and he claims that he doesn't. Yeah.

And he's just... It's disgusting. It is fucking disgusting. You can see a rock monster's human tongue in this movie. Yeah, it is disgusting. He's like, boy, it's terrible being made entirely of rock.

La la. Well, he's also dating an alcoholic. Yeah, she seems drunk. This stinks. Yeah, Carrie Washington plays Alicia Masters' his blind girlfriend. She seems drunk the entire movie. Like her playing blind is drunk. Yeah, she's like, I don't know, Johnny.

She should just relax, man. Just chill out, dude. You ready? You ready? You're ready? You're ready for that? It's direct quote. So they, like, catch up with the Silver Surfer. Dr. Dooms, like, yeah, I'm part of the team now. they go to like the forests

of Canada for no good reason because the next you know it's well you gotta hide somewhere yeah the thing like fights a bear like a little bit or like what are you looking at smoky he gets into an argument with a bear he talks to it that's it

dude and it's a light moment of cute comedy from Michael Chichlis and a bear and I'm like this movie's only 93 minutes what the fuck man I would be terrified of us Michael Chichlis because the last thing I want to do is be mauled to death by a bear

while dressed like a rock monster. Oh, you think Chicky was like right next to that bear? Oh, yeah, man. That's the idea? You're not going to gnaw through this rock suit, are you, bear? I'm terrified for the bear.

That's like putting it in a harmful situation. Seeing that thing. Yeah, bears shouldn't see monsters. Yeah, or Michael Chickless. Not that there's a difference between a monster. Oh, bear. So they do see.

some zapping to the silver surfer and knock him off his board. It's a tachyon pulse dude. Oh, right. That's a word that's made up. Tachians? Those are really hurt on Star Trek. Oh! But, so he turns into a less silver, he's

like a gray surfer at this point. And they immediately start zapping his balls. Like, they take him to a facility. There's no balls. It's a bump. They're zapping bumps, man. Zap my bump. Try it, motherfucker. Zap my bump. Joe Pantleiano all of us.

Why not? Dude, listen, he's on the board. He sounds like Larry Pishburn. He gets knocked off. He sounds like Joe in pants. You know how long it takes me to get to Hoboken on this thing? So they put a car battery to his bump. Well, the guy is like, oh, you know,

testing people this way is a human rights violation. Good thing you're not human. That's great. Yeah, all right. Oh, Abu Grave. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, stack them high. No, I don't endorse that.

I'm just remembering the news. That's all you got to do, man. And I don't know. Well, they're also, the fantastic for it, this is another boneheaded move by Colonel Andre Brower, man. Because he's like, I have these four people who are known superheroes.

Good guys, that I'm going to lock in a room. While this other dude, known villain, also recently raised from the dead. I'm going to give cart blops to this military facility. What are you fucking stupid? And one of these people I'm going to lock in the room that can open is invisible. Yeah, yeah. Well, these guards get fooled awfully quick.

Pretty quickly. Well, he's like, oh, Johnny Storm's like, it's hey, it's 2007. Can I get some DVDs in here? Hey, can I get a couple of DVDs to pass the time? Do you have Firefly season one? Oh boy, I hope these DVDs have anamorphic menus as a special feature. Van Wilder, terrific.

Thank you very much. Thank you. So Sue Storm, like, sneaks out, right? And she gets into the Silver Surve, like, the busted trailer hitch chrome surfer at this point. His little... The Rust Surfer? Yeah, he's held to aboard, Lector style.

And then she bonds with him. And she's just like, I know you're not a monster. What are you doing? you saved me earlier in the woods when there was this battle that these guys didn't talk about. And he's like, oh, I didn't let you die because you remind me of someone. And I was like, sweet exposition.

You nailed it all, Mark Frost. Great. Oh, you knew someone. Awesome. And we know that the backstory is like, so this dude, Norenrad, is the Silver Surfer, right? Norm? Norm. Norman. Norm!

Oh, geez, Mr. Peterson. You look awfully shiny. Man, that cheers joke playing out like that. Wait, what's his fucking name? No, George went as Galactus. Now we're thinking. Yeah. Man.

That dude can gobble. Yeah, he could devour worlds. He's just like approaching planets. Like, got a beer? He devoured the Tommy Westfall world. Oh, yeah, totally. So he's Norin. Norin.

Norin. Norin. Rad. Rad. Yeah, like, cool. Oh. Yeah. Okay.

So he gets into this deal with Galactus. Galactus is like, I'm going to fuck your planet up. He's like, hey, man, I could be your herald if you just let my planet go and don't kill my lady friend and are out of wedlocked child. Yeah, this is the Silver Surfer's story. Oh, so it's like the end of Goodfellas, you know what I mean?

Like, he flips on his buddies just to keep his own deal. Nor and Rad, the good coats are in the back. No farther. Oh, now. Now I live like a schnuck. The other day I had pasta with ketchup on it. I am Norenrad in Arizona.

It's the silver surfer in a bathroom. He's getting the paper. Yes. But this confirms that he like, he impregnates stuff. Wait, why? Well, because you said he had a child or something. Does he have a kid too?

He's not a lady friend. I'm not sure if he's got a kid. Well, that means he's doing some. He's doing something to some. I just wanted to know what. You make other silver surfers then. Well, that was the ultimate price that he paid. What?

The bump. Wait, Galactus took this... Oh, that was Galactus's price? Yeah, that's right, man. It's like, all right, I'll give you all limited power, and I won't eat your world, but... Got to go.

Now I got this... The silver dick is a little lucky charm. That's keychain. Yes. Yes. Why does the silver server need a keychain cabin, or his Camaro? Oh.

Sorry So they bond and she's like You're not a bad guy As a guess I know And then like Dr. Doom Oh wait a second Sorry to interrupt you dude We have a video drone moment

Oh that's right Because she's like Tell me more about this Intergalactic asshole That follows you around the universe And he's like Well just take a look at my tummy And this dude's stomach

turns into a TV I'm like a ripped telotubby A ripped sexy teletubes Doug Jones by the the way, is looking fit as fuck. Oh, yeah, man. Yumtown. It is outrageous how in

shape a dude who constantly plays monsters is in. Are you fucking kidding me? And Andy Circus is like, what are you doing that for? All you need to do is be green screen potato chips. Kane Hodder's like, why bother? Cain Hodder?

He's playing a monster. That's true, yeah. Robert England's like, why bother? Does that work for you? I don't know. They're not as good. They're lesser monsters? I think so.

Anyone can play Jason. Come on. That's actually true. Literally anyone. That's true. And I love those movies. I have them all on Blu-ray. But if anyone is telling you

one dude's Jason walk is better than another, stop. Just fucking stop it. I Jason walk to work every day. Oh man, you see that blonde guy? He does good Jason. It's like, what is that? Cain Hunter Jr?

I'll just say it's just a person and a hockey mask. There's no one better performance than another of Jason. So, Dr. Doom gets the board. He kills Andre Brower. He turns him into like, I don't know,

a puzzle or something. A brick? It's like an ash puzzle. Yeah. And it's great because he... And Andre Brower kind of like brings his retaliation on. Because at first he's just like whooshy, he like

whooshes Andre Brower out of the way and he's trying to get out of the office and Andre Brower starts lighting this dude up and he's like, oh, okay well I guess we have to and the greatest actor in this movie is vanquished in a bad special effect there's no fucking final line

there's no like cool sketch phrase and he ends up looking like a stuffed animal that the dog got to like half of his head is chewed off It's stupid. It's dumb. And then we go to China for a little while. Sure, why not?

Dude, globe-trotting James Bond Adventure. Oh, we get the fantastic car, and nobody gives a shit. Like, it's like, oh, well, let's build this up. And he's like, I know how we're going to get to China. Beep, beep. Fantastic car. And everyone's like great. And this is like a big deal.

Oh, it's a big deal. It's like the second most famous, well, maybe like third most famous vehicle in superhero history. Absolutely. Like the Batmobile, Wonder Woman's Visible Jet and then this fucking thing. No. What else? What's a more famous? Ghost Rider's motorcycle.

No, no, Chris Cameron. Yes, I agree with that. Really? Compared to this? Whoa, let's see those Ghost Rider tattoos later. And Silver Surfer's Camaro. I keep forgetting I miss this Camaro you saw in this movie. To me, my Camaro.

Oh, we do get a sick 2007 joke because the fantastic car shows up. And then everyone gets all excited and Chris Evans. is like, whoa, hemmy, right? Remember those hemip commercials? Hemmy? And then, like, Reed is like, you better believe it. And then Larry Cable Guy's like, cool, it's a hemie.

Hey, it's got a hammie. You remember those commercials? Hire him to be galactic. Yes. I hope this planet tastes like pork. Earth is nothing but a chicken wing. You ever fart so hard you create a black hole?

Yes, I have. Man, it is all right there, Mark Frost. And then you get Jeff Foxworthy to be the Silver Surfer. Oh, that could work too, yeah. If you're flying around on a surfboard, you just might be a herald of Galactus. If your penis has been replaced by a metallic bump, you just might be a herald of Galactus.

If your aunt is fixing her hair while looking at your face, you just might be a hairling galaxia. If you have a TV on your tummy on top of another TV tummy, you just might be a hell of the Galactus. Welcome back to Nornrad's TV tummy. That'd be great. You just watch, like, inside him from your TV. Oh, that's exciting.

It's pretty cool, like a DVD menu. How do I click out? You can't. How do I click in more? So they're all fighting him on the thing and they can't beat him. And then Sue Storm gets fucking Elliot Smithed by this fucking

this whole land. Good God. Good job, save. Yeah, it's like, yeah. But it's weird because it's like Dr. Doom rips a piece off the surfboard and just throws it. It's like a needle in the hay.

Good God. It's okay. Hey, he's long dead. Oh, yeah, that's right. We're in the wrong part of this country. Did he make that joke? Dude, that's what I was trying to tell you. I forgot.

Fucking get the net, man. Wait, is Galactus from here, too? No, he's more of an Astoria guy. Close. Yeah, so she gets, like, ganged really hard, then everyone feels really bad. But nobody, it's so dumb. Because of course she's not dead.

What are you talking about? This movie has no stakes? There's a wedding that's going to happen. I'm still waiting, waiting by the phone for that wedding. That is the major event of the movie. It's the planet eating monster. It's the wedding of the century. Planet monsters will happen all the time.

Kurt Russell was just a planet monster. But the wedding of the century? Once a century. He was the best planet monster. He was a well-developed planet monster. Exactly. Except all those weird statues of him fucking... That's a weird detail in that movie.

He's also probably, as compared to Galactus, he's also probably the hornier planet. Oh, yes. He's just going everywhere. Oh, yeah. His character's name was libido. Ego. Oh, ego.

You actually thought that? No idea. All right. I didn't remember what it actually was, but I knew it wasn't what I said. So the producer of the movie was like, hey, only one of these actors will be working in 10 years. So why don't we give all the

fantastic force powers to Chris Evans? Dude, I think he already had, he already had the first draft of a Captain American contract ready to go. And they're like, better give him everything. And it's this stupid thing where the thing and Reed Richards

are already like holding her chest or something like already touching her. So then he just like grabs on board of that and he gets all their powers. This is gross because it's Michael Chichliss like on fire and stretching at the same time and it's Chris Evans

with this fucking hair cut this thing is so dumb and he's like snaking around everybody and Michael Chichiklis Richard's snake moves Michael Chichols is like Felicia Alicia how soon can you get to Japan I need you here get on a plane baby it happened we're ready to go

I'm a human for like an hour please get here no see and that's the thing he just needs to leave like he needs to get on a plane because he can fucking fit the seat first of all right ride comfortably back to New York change his name totally

do just walk away start calling himself Michael Chickless and just live a new life with Alicia he just runs away and Dr. Strange comes it's like same set as Dr. Strange's climactic battle that's right oh yeah we're not in Japan we're in China we're Japan

sort of awkwardly at the end of the movie because they just didn't know nobody cares Nobody cares. Nobody cares about anything in this movie. Who would and who I? So they knocked the Dr. Doom off his board. He kind of and then like the thing hits him with a rebar

pipe and he goes into a puddle and he just kind of does like bing! And he like falls into a river. That's the end of that. Classic character. Pretty cool. Glad we brought him back for this movie everybody. The Silver Surve gets on his board he heals Sue Storm. Because why not? Who knew he had healing powers? Who cares?

And then he like goes into the cloud of Galaxus and just kind of charges up and it's like in Super Mario 2 when your character crouched down and then you started like glowing and then like toad farted and like jumped six feet in the air that's what he sort of does and it's kind of weird too because he turns around and it's great

and this is Doug Jones is a great actor he's a classically trained actor because he turns around and the look that he gives at the camera is did someone just grab my ass and then what you see my bump when the camera fucking cuts around man it's Chris Evans pushing his ass

as Johnny Storm like getting him closer to Galactus's asshole. What is going on here? He's helping him out. He's like, okay now turn the key on the board. I'm going to push you. Yeah. He's trying to get him going. Give you a jump. And Silver Surfer kind of gives him a thumbs up

for things. Yeah. It's pretty cool, man. And then like there's a shadow of Galactus's helmet and who cares? I also like that the Silver Surfer has led to a billion and a half alien deaths, but one lady kind of looks like his old

fiance, and he's like, all right, that's cool. I'll just turn it by back on everything. That's all it took was the beauty of Sue's storm, man. Oh, wow. Hundreds of planets decimated. This one lady. Those blue eyes. Yeah. Those enchanting fake blue eyes. It's so weird. It's so weird.

It's a bit disturbing. It's a robot. So why is the moon not destroyed? Now the cactus is gone. Why is the moon still here? I think because he came in from the other side No, I definitely saw a moon involved in that fart, man. Oh, is that right?

I thought I did. You got caught up on it? It was that her fucking silver surface bump that I saw. Yeah, dude, you never know. I feel like... It's up full moon, man. At the end of this movie, it's like, oh, wow, we beat Galactus, but by the way, every planet in the solar system's rotation is turned off, so we're fucked.

Everything's going to crash into each other. You see Galactus, like, coming for Earth, and he fucks up Saturn's rings, like, excuse me. And that, like, beautiful planet is just destroyed. It's fucked up. Maybe that's why Pluto's done a planet anymore. Oh. Oh, you guys like Pluto out here, too?

Is Pluto from this city? But is Neil deGrasse Tyson in the audience tonight? Oh, he'd have a fucking field day with this. Yeah, that's right, right. So we're done with Elliot Smith jokes. Now for the Clyde Drexler jokes. No, no, no, no. We get run right out of town.

There's no motivation for, like, the Silver Surfer to do this, but he does it, like, kind of unprompted, aside from, like, Jessica Alba sort of looks like his lady friend. But, like, I tuned in, or I bought a ticket, or I snuck in, or whatever I did when I saw this movie originally. Torrented. No, I saw it, my wife and I saw it in the theaters. Yikes. That was a tough train ride home.

Very quiet. She was cool about it. No, but, like, this is the fucking fantastic four, man. Why don't you do something to stop the villain? you shitty superheroes. Yeah, he'll take care of it. You were watching, I don't know, a computer, fight a computer.

I don't, they've never done anything. No, they don't. The Fantastic Four is fucking terrible. Stop trying to make Fantastic Four a thing, honestly. That's the way. Anybody see that new movie? Yeah, totally. That's exactly what I'm saying.

Just fucking give up. Give up. I think we have. I think we're done for a while, yeah. Cool. Take that Miles Teller. Do you see from here? No, this isn't hell.

Eap. Yeah. So, yeah, so this, like, FARC clouds sort of just decimates. Yeah. Disciates. Yeah, somebody opened a window. Somebody opened a space window.

When someone closes a space door, someone opens a space window. Not enough about the Lord Jesus Christ in this movie. No, not much. I agree with that. Is he from here? And now we go They're like, oh, let's have the wedding of the century

Finally in Japan And we're going to fly Brian Possein to Japan Come on! Come on! No way are you doing that! Let's just get anyone around. I mean, like obviously Alicia Masters has to come to Japan Because that's the thing's lady, right?

Plus she was already on the plane with the fucking. She got there, she's like, oh shit. Hurry up, baby, we're not doing live from Red Rocks this time. Would she take that last name Become like Mrs. Thing? Alicia Grim? Yeah, Mrs. Grim. Oh, I forgot it was Grim.

Grim. Yeah. Pretty cool. Ben Grim, right? Or she could just be called the other thing. The other thing? Thing one, thing two? Yeah, that works.

Yeah. Are they from here? So... They all have like, Wakowski, siblings, hairdues going on. Yes. It's pretty wild shit, man. It's awesome. And they're having a wedding and like, oh, oh, there's some other adventure

that we won't see. Venice is sinking into the Adriatic. Yeah. Says Reed Richards. And so they rush off to save the day and Alicia Mass is like, okay, great. I'm stuck in Japan now. And I don't know how to see and no one speaks English.

Brian Poseid, will you take me home? Yeah, sure, I'll do it. Seriously, like, that character was already the backup officiant anyway. Yeah. Why would you ask that dude again? All the way back.

Someone in Japan could have done it. There's like some fucking person over there teaching English on one of those abroad programs with them to do it. It's, you know, we're not doing the blockbuster merge superhero universe thing, but like get Patrick Stewart in as...

Can you imagine? As Professor X. What a fucking teaser? Right there, right. It's like you see the two of them but it's like behind and you just see the bald head Yeah Oh yeah I've seen him from behind

Well ladies and gentlemen We're gathered here today And you're like say what And it cuts around And it's Patrick Stewart Professor Xavier is officiating that wedding That's how you fucking make people care about the movies

Then maybe they would have made the third one Totally No they would Unfortunately No By that point everyone had left the theater Yeah actually this movie is so bad Not even a Patrick Stewart cameo

guarantees you another movie No. Unfortunately, and he's a fucking legend. Legend and a treasure. So they go off. Oh, and they make, this is great. This is great. We make the Fantastic Four logo in the fucking sky.

Even though people in Venice, their lungs are filling with water, but they're like, cool, four. Well, actually, there's nothing cool about chem trails. Those Fantastic Four Chemtrails are making the freaking frogs gay. Fucking Fantastic Chem Trail, I saw these two male frogs and they were going at it.

Catch them in bed with the silver circle. These New York elites with their stretchy skin and their invisible flesh. Galactus wants your money. Oh yeah. Yeah he's got an agenda man.

Look at. Oh and there's a teaser though because there's a dumb teaser. Dude, we watched this teaser like three hours ago. Not but, yeah. Were you there? Do you remember this? Do you remember what happens?

So it's like cut to space, cut to space. We were just there. And it's like fucking Silver Surfer's corpse is like floating past the camera. And then you see the board like off of the distance so he's totally wiped out, right? Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. And then like right, like his one eyeball passes the camera frame. And then when the other one's about to, he's just like, say!

And his eyeball opens and you're like, sequels? I guess so. Who cares? I think I heard that... I think I read that they wanted to do a solo film of him. I'd watch that. But it didn't happen. No, it didn't.

It's been fucking ten years since this movie came out. Cosmic Point Break? Oh, yeah. That's it. That would be pretty fucking awesome, man. Too bad Swayze's gone. That's a sad story. We're just breaking all the hearts tonight.

Oh, just bring it back like Tarkin. Oh, yeah. Who cares? Whatever. Fucking, go watch your ghost movies. You're dead, Willie. So would anybody recommend this movie? Because it turns out 93 minutes later,

this movie's over, would you? No. No. No. No. Not even for the bumps, man. Not even for the bumps. Not for the bump rubbing?

No, man. Not for master torture, Zach Grinier. Oh, right. We forgot about that. Yeah, we talked about it a little bit. Yeah, he's just a character actor. Nobody knows the name of except for us. That's all right.

Grab my fucking bump on DVD. Was this movie big on DVD on? No, it was... No, I think. No, if you can buy this for $3 now, it wasn't big on DVD. The $5 bin. Yeah, so that is fantastic for

Kohl and Rise of the Silver Surfer, you guys. That's it. That's how I'm right. Yeah. The total not recommend. There's not a hangover movie. No. We do have posters on sale in the back there.

We also have the man that draws all of our posters here. A special shout out to Chris Walton. You're still here? Yeah, yeah. You guys didn't take the cups off yet. I'm still here. No, but seriously, we've had a fantastic time in your fair city these past few days. So thank you, Portland for coming out.

If it sounds random points. Now, before we get going, we like to just sort of always end with a little bit of internet correspondence, you know, because, like, these people out there, man, love movies. I don't know if you guys know this. Well, there's the magic of the movies. Well, that's, dude, that's like the magic of motion pictures,

men, do you hear about this? Yeah, you can have fun at the movies. The power of movies, man. It's not illegal to have fun. Yeah, no, nobody's got a gun to your head. I have some fucking fun at the movies. Like this guy. This is from G.B.

Sparta 48. I don't like him already This guy didn't like this movie actually Subject line Complete mutilation of a cherished story Still four out of ten stars For a complete mutilation Pretty good

Wow Where to begin Let's start with the positives The Silver Surfer looked excellent he really did I was impressed and excited when he first appeared which by the way is like blasting

in between a building with like two American flags on it fuck yeah dude find your hemi now the negatives apparently Tim's story decided Stan Lee's work which has lasted for years

because it was a great story that stood the test of time wasn't good enough for his motion picture. Is this Stanley writing this? Yes. And there's too much service to Jack Kirby in this movie. I saw Jack Kirby's name come up on screen and threw up.

Apparently, the Hollywood Big Wigs. Man, when you're ranting about Big Wigs, shut the fuck up. Sat in a big executive boardroom around a large table. It gets bigger by the second. Dude, I think this dude had a fucking microphone in the room. A camera or something.

And decided that they could come up with a better storyline along with changing the powers slash abilities of various characters and basically murdering a storyline that was near perfect. Murdering.

Basically murdering. There's been a murder tonight. There's been a Basically a murd. It's no longer a mutilation. It's a murder. Mutilated her, Jack. They found silver in her Jack.

Man, we get so much mileage out of Alicia Silverstone's The Crush. Oh, poor Carrie. Always in that movie. He gets framed. Yeah, yeah. I was just thinking about the Seaman. line now, go on. Give me a break.

I know Stan Lee was part of this movie. See, he knows it was actually Stan Lee in that camera. But it's widely known that the silver surfer, oh, actually it's just the surfer, he's friends with him, is perhaps his most

favorite creation. Is that true? Probably not. Someone's friends with Stan Lee. Along with most comic book fans loving this specific character. What? All right. So why would he go and let

Tim's story literally murder this character on the big screen? It was a mutilation, then it was basically a murder, now it's literally a murder. He's murdered on the big screen, but this dude didn't stick around for that stinger. No, he didn't. That's the problem. And it's like a beginning credit

stinger, too. This dude couldn't wait like 15 seconds in the theater. He had to run home and get to the internet. He had a big soda. You're in a big soda watching this. Being my big soda are going to go fuck this movie up on the internet. Oh, mercy. Literally murder, big screen.

Well, I have the answer, folks. As if anyone until tonight has read this. This was written in 2007. When you start getting old and senile, oh fuck. And someone hands you a big waddle. of cash. What indeed? What are they asking for, man?

You pretty much stop caring about what's going on and what someone is doing with your most famous storyline. Silver Surfer most famous storyline. Wait, did you just call Stan Lee like stupid and old? Yeah. This guy I love is a stupid old piece of shit. With a lot of cash

and a bad decision in his pocket. But you should respect him. Yeah, oh yeah, dude. It's coming from a a place of fandom man. Of course. I'm a fucking fan man. These people.

Congratulations, Avia Rod and Tim's story. Thank you for nothing. We are We Hate Movies from New York City. Thanks a lot for coming out. Portland. We'll see you next time. Bye-bye. Thank you, Portland.

That was a hit-gum.