We Hate Movies - S7 Ep315: Episode 315 - Mac and Me

Episode Date: September 5, 2017

Recorded live at the Bell House in Brooklyn, NY — 8/05/17 On this week's episode, the guys finally get around to trashing the feature-length McDonald's commercial, Mac and Me! How is it these alien puppets' mouths were shaped so it was impossible for them to eat McDonald's products? Why didn't that mother tell those kids about the cliff? And you can NOT just jump to a citizenship scene like that! PLUS: Lots of talk about UFOs and aliens "coring out" livestock! Mac and Me stars Christine Ebersole, Jonathan Ward, Tina Caspary, Jade Calegory, and Ronald McDonald as 'Himself;' directed by Stewart Raffill. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Thank you. Don't know Oh Hey Oh Yeah Oh Yeah

I Oh Baby's Oh Baby's Oh Yeah Oh

Oh Yeah Oh chocolate Stop bitch I'm Baby

Brooklyn, what is happening, bowling, bowling, bowling, bowling, keep bowling, bowling, bowling, rolling, rolling, and bowling, keep bowling, bowling, rolling, rolling. Now I know y'all be loving this shit right here. Brooklyn, what is happening? Someone brought us treats. Can we be clear now that Limbiscuit's like a joke, right? Like, that's just like a joke.

You know that we think that that's a shitty song. Okay, I just... We stopped buying the records right after that one. We want to thank Fred Durst, our warm-up comic for the night. It's food. You eat it, you green-blooded Vulcan. No. No.

That was a heavy thud when this hit the table. Well, it's McDonald's. It's going to be a head of it. When did you buy this? Disgusting. Yeah, this is cold. We like cold burger cake. I love you. I love you guys. Here's some cold garbage.

Throw out this cold food. Thank you so much. My name is Andrew Jupin. I'm Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. Stephen. Wow, a rowdy crowd. Stephen Sadek.

And we are. We hate movies from New York City. All right. So how many people here are familiar with the little show we do on the internet. I like that. So about a dozen. We'll cover numbers later.

It's a baker's dozen because there's more. Like a baker's dozen mean it's a dozen but more. Yeah, it's like when the baker's like, look at that Steve Sadek, he's getting extra on me. Baker's just suck at math. So for those of you who got tricked into coming with a date, We're sorry, first of all. Or you're here early for the dance party that's after this.

We're a comedy show where we take movies like that and brutally make fun of them for about an hour or so. We're a competitive eating show where we eat cold, disgusting food in front of people. We will be eating these cans after we're done. Like the goats we are. Yeah, go ahead, Steve. I'm going to drink this beer.

We did this last time. who thinks that they came the farthest for this show because there's a really expensive gift that we can give you like it's really expensive it's really nice it's pretty crazy you guys no no no no

it's so much better than that so much better so who thinks that they came that so this person I can't see Manchester New Hampshire that's good I don't beat it holy fucking shit oh my gosh

sorry All right. Oh, we got one all the way in the back Yeah, all the way in the back. Montreal, I don't know, yeah. I mean, it's a different country. That's customs. That's customs. Yeah, that's customs. You dealt with customs. Get on up here. All right. We've got a prize pack And it is really expensive. And I mean like...

Come on. Come on. She's on her way. She's on her way. It's fine. No one needs to rush. We have the stage for an hour. It's fine. No one fall. Yeah, can you get up there? No, that's it. Yeah, please don't fall. We have no insurance. What's your name? Hi.

What's your name? Her name is hi. Weren't you listening? Okay. Catherine, we have a very expensive gift. McDonald's? She's not coming up to it. It is a signed DVD.

This has a cash value of less than $5. Yes. That is a yes. Thank you. Yes. Please don't watch it. We're going to have a big garbage bin for the McDonald's and for the DVD and for your ticket stubs,

it's going to be great. Well, maybe customs will just take it away and everything will be even. Oh, we don't want this back in Canada. This has to stay in that stupid country. A round of applause for Catherine, everybody. Now, how many of you have seen this movie before? Wow.

How many of you watch it for the first time in advance of this show? That's about right. That's an apology. That's an apology. Now this is a movie called Mac and Me. From 1988, which was a grand year. And I don't know if you know that.

It's a grand year, 1988. Directed by a guy named Stuart Raffle. Yeah, this guy's got quite a filmography. Is that how he got selected to direct it? Bravo. He wrote Passenger 57. Stay tuned. Yeah.

He directed some other stuff, too. We were talking about this backstage. The Philadelphia experiment, the first one, Eric. Yeah. Oh, the good one. Well, no, the lesser one. Steve, if you had to sort of like condense just really quickly, like, what this movie is about

or what it tries to be about, what it tries to say to its audience. It's an E.T. rip-off without the charm or the talent that promotes obesity in children. that like heavily aggressively promotes obesity in E.T, they're kind of like trying to hide the M&M's in this, it's just Coca-Cola. They're Reese's pieces.

Wrease's pieces. Wake the fuck up. Watch a fucking movie. But to be fair, there are less cigarettes than this movie. E.T. is rotten with cigarettes. Oh, man, D. Wallace is like smoking cigarettes and blowing it in the puppet's face. That's what I want. 80s kids movie, by the way. Exactly. Adults smoking in front of children

the way it should be. Just like our childhoods, yeah? Exactly. So this movie starts off in a hellscape. Planet of some kind. Yeah, I mean, I think it's like Arizona, probably. And these aliens look

like this. And CEO Ronald McDonald was like, yeah, that's fine. I feel like he was very upset, because If you look at the mac and me, aliens, their mouths are like this big. Yeah, they're like little tiny assholes on a face. It's like, it's like a urethra. Ooh, oh, ooh, oh, oh, it's just this big. But you know what?

If I'm Ronald McDonald, I'm like, hey, yeah, I love the dailies. They're great. The mom's fantastic. How the fuck is that thing going to eat a cheeseburger? Because I paid for that thing to eat a fucking cheeseburger. Like he's a tyrant behind the doors. Like, you know, he goes out. I was like, hi, kids.

And he's like, I paid that money. That's like Ronald McDonald's in that board meeting. He's all done up because that shit, like, never comes off. And he's like, so the cast is really great. I think Christine Ebersol is so much fun in this movie. It's fantastic. And then he's like slowly taking the wig off. And when it comes off, it just changes.

And he's just like, and the comedy is really good. And, whoa, now wait a second. How the fuck is a fish fillet going in that alien's fucking mouth? Tell me! And the CEO of Congress. Ogacola's like, no, straw, straw hole. His mouth is a straw hole. His mouth is a straw hole.

I think that's a limp biscuit lyric. So NASA, as it turns out, has sent this landing craft to the moon of Saturn to take rocks or something. We're just taking rocks. That's all we've ever done in space. Steel rocks from other places. And it just

happens to land right in front of the Mac and me family. You got aliens. Oh man, what a fucking, what a lucky, you know, it's a big deal. You'd think it would be a big deal. You think that this would be treated like a big deal. As it turns out there, no one cares. There should be an alarm that's like something is moving out there, by the way. Exactly. There's something here other than

rocks. I think they could shoot the nuke. Oh, just blow up the moon. Oh, yeah, I nuke that moon. You should kill this fucking family, that's for sure. I like how Harvey Firestein is there. signal officer. Oh my god, we landed and there's a fucking alien. Oh, my goodness gracious. Look at these disgusting burlap aliens. Oh, I'm going to fucking vomit. Does everybody

see these aliens? All right then. Self-destruct. Oh, he's just the voice in the spacecraft? I'm sorry, I can't do that, Dave. I have to self-destruct. those things are so fucking gross I'd rather die it's 1988 so clearly I smoke cigarettes even though I'm a space-faring robot

Harve 9,000 Sure what the hell So he's just sucking up rocks And oops these aliens are made of jelly So they all just get sucked up inside this thing This is like a bad Nickelodeon effect. Like the little baby, like the titular

Mac, he gets sucked in first and then there's also like parents and then what we're told is a sister. And they're like, well, our child is dead, let's all sacrifice ourselves like you would if you're the last of your kind. And they all get sucked into this spacecraft

because it's got a vacuum cleaner attached to it. It's got an arm to pick up rocks and a huge vacuum cleaner. That's it. I think I'm coming in a little heavy today. I'm carrying four disgusting aliens with me. And they don't die in space.

Yeah, everything's fine. There's no sugar water on that thing, so how they stay in alive? Well, it's like, this is like Ripley going to meet the aliens. This is like far off. This should take years to get back to Earth. It's like 10 minutes.

The next week, maybe. It's outrageous. And they're like, oh, let's just see, we're inside this darn spaceship we got here. They're just like emptying it out like you went to the beach and took your shoes off. Like, rocks, rocks, oops, a bunch

of aliens. And the guy running NASA looks exactly like John Williams. He does. I thought it was John Williams until like 10 minutes ago. There's John Williams, there's a dude that looks like Keith Hernandez. I mean, this is a who's

who of shitty celebrity lookalikes. I mean, Silvestri did the score for this, as you'll find out. He must have kicked John Williams out, and John Williams like, well, I'm not going home without nothing. He refused to leave the Mac and Me Project? You put me in this fucking movie, or I'm getting Allen, and we're getting out of here.

All right, all right, all right, it's fine. We'll have the aliens not eat hamburgers, but John Williams will be the head of NASA, said Ronald McDonald for some reason. I could use more Ronald McDonald in this movie. Yeah, of course. He's got a real role. He's got charisma, you know, he's got star power.

Here's the thing, he shouldn't be playing himself. He should be playing a scientist. Thank you. But he's still dressed like Ronald McDonald, but he's just got a lab coat on. And he just be like, uh, we got something. I would watch, that's an endlessly watchable movie. Ronald McDonald playing a NASA scientist. Are you kidding me?

That's awesome. And then, you know, he can do the, instead of that, I think the kid says it, but like the titular line of like mysterious alien creature. Right. Ronald McDonald could be like, we got a couple Macs. Oh, we got a Big Mac. Oh, this is a small Mac now.

It actually took me, like, we've been promoting this show for like 400 years. And I've never seen the movie until this Wednesday, and it took me until Tuesday to realize that Mac and me was a pun on Big Mac. I'm really not kidding I've been thinking about this movie for months I kind of just put that together right now

because I wasn't thinking about this movie while watching it at all because why would you so NASA might as well be run by clowns because they let aliens escape if there's one thing NASA should be doing is be prepared for aliens to keep them inside

every single chamber that has anything from outer space needs like a gas like gas to come in or something like gas like instant flash flaming or something. Like an ED-209 or something coming around the corner? Just fry these fuckers. These things need to

kill them and cut them open. NASA needs a death squad. Just a bunch of guys with ski masks that go to work every day. The moon troopers. Exactly. On the off chance that, whoops, we've got an alien. You know what I mean? Like, I don't care if all you're doing is picking up rocks.

There could be aliens that got sucked into it and you need to be prepared to kill them instantly. You can, like, paint some M16's white. It's pretty cool. I like this movie. I think it sounds good. So, yeah, these things escape is the idea.

They all go different directions. Mac get separated from the family, you see. And this is, it's, like, kind of a puppet, but it's also, like, either, like, a little kid or a little person sometimes. It's so disgusting. And I think he turns into a cartoon once or twice, maybe. Oh, it goes cartoon, you're saying?

When he gets zapped by the, fence, he gets really skinny and even somehow more disgusting. Is that when he's being blown back, it looks like? He looks like he's made of Gack in that scene. Yeah, he gets caught on the wind and then lands on some, you know, some windshield

and that is just like that's awful. Like he looks like Christopher Lloyd should be throwing him in a dip bath. It's awful. Hey, Ronald. It's Tom Nickelodeon here. I am calling you on my enormous cell phone. Yes, it's 1988. We need to move some GAC.

We've got all the... We've got warehouses in Zoccas that are filled with Gag. Okay, all right. Well, we will put Gack in McDonald's food from now. Look, we only have beige Gack left. We took a bath on the beige Gack. Every other color flew off the shelves, but the beige Gack, we could not move it.

Magenta went really quick. That was a surprise for all of us. What was like your standard gag? Oh, green? You gotta go green, yeah, green, yeah. That's the classic. They still making that, or what? Kids eating it?

And they had to take it off the market? No, I'd probably. I love that Nicolode would just sell you garbage. Like, here's just garbage. And you just, like, whine to your parents about buying it. Like, you know, you work five days a week. You fucking barely like this life you have here. Spend this hard-earned money on garbage I want.

Oh, by the way, that's going to have hair in it in three fucking seconds. And it's ruined. So, yeah, he hits the windshield and causes this car accident. Oh, shit, man. This car accident is outrageous. Not only would there be fatalities. Big time. But then the government would come by and be like,

these people probably saw an alien and they'd shoot them all dead. Or they should, at least. In my opinion. You've got to contain the scene. You've got to contain the scene. Exactly. Have these moon troopers around. Deploy the moon troopers and kill everyone in this auto accident.

I'm going to deploy the moon troopers. That's a real thing, right? Wait, it's not real. Mac and me lied. All right. I'm going to tweet that we need to get moon troopers. We need the moon troopers. Many people, many people say we need moon troopers.

So in this car, by the way, is child actor Danny Cooksey. Oh, yeah, Budnick. Budnick, man, from Terminator 2. And he was on a sitcom there. He was on, gosh. Salute your shorts? He's on Salute your shorts, obviously. No, he was the kid.

The Gary Coleman show there. The later, different strokes. Thank you. The latter reason. Thank you. They were like, ah, this too. Gary Coleman's looking a little old. We need like a little kid, like a real little kid kind of a thing.

Get me a real little. kid. Television executive. No more tricks like last time. Fool me once, casting agent. I want a real little kid. I want to see papers. You lucked out, Coleman. The show's already a hit.

That's monstrous. Yeah, television is a tough industry. So the family is driving in this amazing Volkswagen van that has blinds on it? Oh my God. To drive a car that has blinds in it. You know why that's there. Fucking. Yep. Yep. It's for fucking. I think both of those kids were conceived in that van.

That would make sense. So, I mean, we've been talking about the family. They have an odd gate, odd walk they do. the family of aliens. Oh, the alien family. Oh, yes. Now, Andrew, I understand that you have an impression of this walking. These

people, these good people, came a long way. Can you, can you, can you, can, yeah, can we convince them? Let's let's see, let's see, let's see the alien walk. Now, the only way I can do it is to do it like how

the dad is walking at the end of the movie. Which, of course, by that I mean holding a gun and waving it wildly. So the gun is kind of like out like this and he's kind of wide stance like this and they lead with their gut

and he's drunk. Oh, he's doing it. He's doing it. And he's just like threatening these FBI agents and firing this fucking gun

and they ice that fucking family. Yes. Shoot the hole. Which we will get to in about 45 minutes. So go to the bathroom now. So, yeah, it's the mom. There's a brother who used to be on Charles in Charge, the first iteration of Charles in Charge before they hit the reboot

button. Everybody knows what I'm talking about. Of course, Steve. I'm really not even worried about it. And then the son, who plays Eric, who is blonde hair. Yeah, I was a child actor. And so they're moving from Illinois to California. I think because that dad died mysteriously. Oh, not a lot of details about this dead dad.

They went on a fishing trip and he never came back. Never came back. I'm telling you, she sunk him. Scott Peterson shit. Oh, really? Yep. That's wild, dude. That's my hunch.

I think that they might have went down in Mexico because the one picture we have is them in a car having a great time in front of a Dosakis back? which wasn't wildly available in the widely available in the maybe the cartel buried

oh you think so oh yeah dude he was trying to smuggle in that he put the blinds down in his van trying to smuggle some shit dude he fucking crossed Tortuga and that was the end of it that's how they afford this amazing house it's cartel money that makes so much sense

or just the life insurance policy all right yeah because he died on a business trip oh it pays that double I think they got kicked out of Chicago because they bought all of the affiliate, all the Chicago banner, Chicago Bears T-shirts,

Chicago Cubs Caps. They were driven out? Everything that was available to buy had the word Chicago on it, they owned it. It's outrageous. The licensing for all of these T-shirts, calendars. He's got a poster of the team doing the Super Bowl shuffle.

What the fuck for? He has a WGN sticker. Hey, Ronald, it is Don Chicago Cubs. We're still about 20 years away from being relevant, so I just need to get this merchandise off my hands, man. This is Mike Dick. Get some bears in there. So, you know, there's so many stimulating scenes of this family moving into this house, unpacking.

The mom goes off on this mover. You remember this part? Oh, my Lord. What was that about? This dude kind of like gently tosses down a box. It's like an empty box. And she's like, hey, what the fuck are you doing with this? And he's just like, hey lady, it's just our moving bags.

And she's like, oh, sorry. It's a real shit heel thing to do. I don't think she's saying sorry. It's actually kind of endearing because they buy this house. It's a ranch house and like the kid is paraplegic. And she's wheeling him in and she's like, look, Eric, like there's not a stare in the house. And I get a little misty about it. What you did?

But the house... Wait, wait, did anyone else cry during Maconby? The house happens to be on a cliff without any kind of a gate or a fence. So it's like, all right, no steps in the house. Great job, Mom, and thank you so much. Well, there's a choice between stairs or cliff. And cliff is like one big stair.

That's true. That's very true. Let me tell you, Steve, wheelchair or no, a kid can fall off a cliff. Yeah, exactly. If you have any kid, you want to guard that cliff a little bit. Or even have a conversation about the cliff. The cliff is not a toy. Don't go playing with the cliff.

It's purely decorative. You know what's funny is I grew up with a cliff. Did you really? My backyard was a cliff. Wow. You ever think about going over? Oh, yeah. Do you have a fence at least or what?

No. Wow. Wait, what kind of a drop are we talking? Like 30, 40 feet? Yeah, that'll kill you. Yeah. It's my backup option. So the alien

has snuck into their van at an FBI checkpoint back of that massive car accident the night before. Yeah, it's good for smuggling cocaine and aliens. I mean, the FBI does a really lackluster job of checking that car. It's just a maglight across the windows. Again, you'd round all these people up

and shoot them. Every last one of them. Or detain them for quite a while, right? Dude, you're going to be probing them, you know? You never know when an alien's hiding somewhere. Yeah, exactly, get those like Geiger counters going, figure that out. Those make fun noises. They do.

They do. So he's like sneaking into this house, and a lot of the early moments of this movie are the two kids separately not talking to each other being like, are we fucking crazy? Are we seeing this little beast? What is this? And the alien is like fucking with them. Like the one little kid's got an RC car because it's 1988. Sure.

And I guess one of their things is like they can touch devices and make them go without electricity. Yeah, sure. That's a neat power. Yeah, the government would round them up and like use them as batteries or something. It's a neat power and a cheap special effect. It's like, oh, wow, that RC car is running.

But look, I just showed you the batteries out. That's kind of a special effect. This television's on, but it's clearly unblowed. Whoa! Ronald McDonald's like, look, we took a bath on this shitty-looking puppet. We need some cheap special effects. But also, are they not like smelling this thing? That's a great question.

It has to smell like shit. I'm sorry. Of course. It's been stuffed in a small space with its family without a shower, without water, with nothing. Yeah. And then it comes out and it just sounds great. Smells great. It's got to be like shit-covered, rotting,

flesh. It just, it has to stink to high heaven. You know, they have to defecate at some point and they're doing that, they're in that like container going across space and time.

They're just shitting in there and whatever else. You know, maybe, I don't know if they ate enough. They're definitely drinking. They're drinking their planet. So they at least smell like piss. Fair enough.

The point is they should be able to smell these creatures. They do not. By the way, where do they piss? Can we talk about that? Yeah, let's get into it. Let's definitely talk about it. Okay, they have bumps.

I don't know where their genitalia is because for a proper bump, it needs to protrude a little bit. You know, this is like a real flat bump. A proper bump. I'm going to stop you at proper bump. So, Eric, in your professional opinion, yeah.

These bumps are unsatisfactory. They're unsatisfactory bumps. But they do have little like bumps or horns on their heads. Yeah, I don't know. Are those genitals? Those could be genitals? Are those little scrotums? They could.

They have like weird little bubbly knees. Oh, yeah. You never know. Oh, Star Trek 6 had a guy with a knee dick. Oh, that's right. Remember Captain Kirk kicked that guy in his knee dick? Yeah. How did Jim Kirk know that was going to happen?

Okay, I'll do Star Trek 6, but there's got to be a knee dick in it. That's my one condition. James Tiberius Kirk is watching all this type of porn, man. Oh, I see. Fucking across the universe. dude. Oh, that one's interesting. What is that?

He's got to learn the, you know, the battle map. Yes, Eric. So, he's kind of like haunting the house. He like does some weird, he does take a shower. So to your point, maybe he's trying to, you know, it's like, oh, man, that long flight, my God.

I love that he knows what the shower is. Yeah. He turns it on, it's really hot. He's got like footprints all over the the yard and everything, leads out into the yard, rather. This kid's just like, something's not right.

There's like all these things turning on by themselves, little monster-like footprints all over the place. Because they're not sure, it's a new house. They're like, okay, is it a ghost or is it an alien?

And everyone in the movie seems to think ghost is more plausible. Which, I mean, like, I don't know. All right, who believes in ghosts in this room? All right, all right, we got ghosts? Okay, wait. Shh. now

who believes in aliens all right and who believes are the same thing no you don't that doesn't make any sense but I feel you need to get like an expert in there

yeah right like a Zelda Rubinstein yeah exactly you're like a paranormal investigator oh no child it appears to me in my professional opinion that this is an alien you're dealing with, child.

It's just out of my jurisdiction. If you had a ghost on your hands, I'd be able to help you out. Are you sure it's not my dad? No, child, your dad's long in hell.

But... He got killed by the cartel. Hold on, Zelda. You said you specialize in TV apparition. My TV's been going crazy. Because of an alien. Can't you smell that child? It smells like an alien's dank ass.

So then this alien turns into leather face for a while. I don't understand this part. So he's like trying to, I think he understands that the family is a good thing and he wants to like announce himself but he doesn't want to get murdered, which you know, I understand. Sure.

So he starts, like, assaulting this kid with power tools for some reason in this scene. This is bone-chilling. I think he might have recognized them as, like, prey or something. Oh, wow, yeah. Because he's got a chainsaw and, like, carves a triangle in the door? Yeah, it's beautiful. And then he, like, pokes it through, and he puts his little gross fucking face in. Here's Johnny.

And this kid's screaming? Well, you could really dub the, like, take out the R2D2 whistles and put in the fucking, like, whee, whee, whee, whee! Oh, the leather face shriek. Yeah, I mean, like, let's talk about the whistles. What the fuck was...

That's the noise that comes out of the straw hole. Yeah, that's the only thing they could do is whistle. That's the... He's trying to speak, but that's really the only thing that they can utter.

Whistling. Why are their faces, like, stuck in this grimace forever? What happened? I don't know, man. It comes from eating your own kind, I think. Oh, wow. Oh, it's like a lock jaw type of thing.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. It's going right to their brain. So that happens. The mom is like, what the fuck? Because the whole house is destroyed. Because this alien wanted to show them something. I guess it's like, hey, look how cool I can be.

But he's like dragged trees from the outside and put them inside. He's vandalized all this furniture. Their house is rotten with crickets as well. Oh, God. Can you imagine trying to get crickets out of a house? Oh. And she's losing it. And she goes to the kid who's paraphrase.

And he's like, what did you do? Now, she just sat back for a second. Maybe blame the other kid. Start there at least. You want to start there. And even then, digging up trees and dragging them into a house. Just think about this. And they're like, we swear to you there's a monster in this house. I don't know how else to try to convince you. How does Mack do that?

You know? Like, is he using telepathy or something? Is he floating shit around with his mind? Why can't I see that? Oh, money. It's very expensive. Yeah, you're not going to see floating anything. You need that to make a real movie. We got to blow up a grocery store at the end of this movie.

For no reason. That's where all that money is going, the blow-up budget. So she's really upset, and they have a fight. And then the kid's like, oh, I think this alien, how do we get to the clip? How someone walk me to that cliff Because that's a scene So what happens is There's like a big domestic dispute

You know because she's like screaming at these kids So you know Eric gets all upset He goes out in the backyard And he's like mad at his mom and he just keeps going and going And then his wheelchair rolls down a cliff Isn't he chasing Mac? Because Mac's like oh come on come on He thinks he sees him right? Oh right

Yeah And he just goes and it is the funniest fucking thing this poor bastard one turns into a puppet and then just rolls off this cliff and falls into a pond or something and then Mac has a little list with all the family's names on and he crosses Eric's out

it's amazing because the kid hits the water and they have that terrible shot of like the puppet head just springs up and he's watching this kid die his dumb frozen face is like wide-eyed and his mouth is just in his circle and he's just watching

this child die and then like the mom runs out and she's like Eric the fuck did you do that for I don't know mom it's a fucking cliff you didn't tell me about a cliff in the backyard couldn't buy a fence

Or a gate, God damn it! So they revive him, they get him out of the water, and this doctor, this really cool doctor, is like, so, I hear you're seeing either a ghost or an alien or some odd thing, here's a sedative, and the kid's like, no, no, I don't need it. First of all, guys, never turn down a sedative. Like, if someone get, even if you don't need it right then and there,

you hoard that shit, right? Totally. Even if you want to take it later or sell it, Like, you know, or you got a buddy having a hard time? This guy is handing it out like the fucking candy man. So I would just take it. Well, I think this doctor's looking to just get out of there. You know what I'm saying?

Like, he's called to this house. A kid just fell off a cliff. He walks in, there's trees all over the living room. Someone chainsawed the door. The kid won't stop talking about an alien. Yeah, I'm just going to pump this kid full of pills and get the fuck out. I think the whole family should be committed. Oh, yeah.

Every last one of them. Was this before CPS? Did George H.W. Bush invent CPS or not so much? I don't think so. Yeah. I think that predates George H.W. Bush. Yeah, no, they could have been removed from the home. They aren't, unfortunately.

No, no, they stay. He fake takes that pill, though, so maybe he is going to plan on selling it later. Oh, that's a good idea. He does the old, like, this pill's great. The doctor leaves, and he pulls it out of his mouth. So they have some neighbor friends, these two girls. One of them happens to work at McDonald's. What?

Weird. She's wearing a McDonald's uniform through the whole movie. It's the only thing she wears in this movie is her McDonald's uniform. So at all times, if you're not already thinking about McDonald's, you are reminded by a patch on her shirt that McDonald's is in this movie. But the Coca-Cola Corporation, I think, has a bigger stake here. You're totally right. That's why they're straw-mouthed.

Well, bigger thing is that Coca-Cola not only gives Mac life, it revives people later. Yeah, that's true. No, it truly is life water. If this little alien drinks so much Coca-Cola, how does he not have diabetes? That's a great question. This alien's losing some fingers, man. All I'm saying, though, is like, let's start with water first. We've got a brand new creature.

It's 1988. Coca-Cola is water. That's true. It wasn't bad for you yet. No, it was good for you. Now, uh... I drank that shit non-stop. You know, I read the script.

This is Ronald McDonald talking. And I thought we agreed that the lifeblood of this movie is fucking. fucking chicken McNuggets. And here I see Coca-Cola revives this little fuck-up. Well, I beg to differ, I'm Thomas Coke. Oh, are you a Coke, brother?

You may know my monster siblings. I make sugar water and fund elections. But it's amazing, though, because watching this movie for the first time, you know, all I ever heard about was like, oh, my God, the McDonald's. Oh, the McDonald's. Oh, look. Lordy, the McDonald's.

Or Lordy, I hope they're McDonald's. It's Coca-Cola, man. We've got to set the record straight about this. This is a Coca-Cola movie. Well, actually, I just thought there is one thing McDonald's could have done. You could feed one fry. Oh, yes. You're totally right.

Slipping fries. Slipping fries. One at a time. Like, yeah. Oh, you better go slow on those. Those are my sipping fries. No, they cut that. it was too sensual.

Am I allowed to throw up on stage? Is that possible? Is there a bucket? How about at least you pour a milkshake down their throat? Oh, yeah. Get some protein or something. Yeah, a milkshake protein? Yeah, I mean, no, I don't know.

I'm not a dietitian, ladies and gentlemen. Wait, what? I know, right? We take some ice cream and some chicken McNuggets and a blender. Yes. So, the alien finally reveals himself. the whole movie is like everyone not knowing what this alien is

and like there's these flashes of his family like in the desert looking for work I guess just toiling in the dust bowl man it's like Jerry yeah it is dude how great would it be if just the one dad alien like lost it and beat the other two to death

because he was like we're all going to die and I want to put my family out of his misery and he beats them to death and then he looks and the road is just right there Oh, no, we spoiled Jerry for all these people. Oh, man, who hasn't seen Gus Van Sant's Jerry and was planning on doing it any time soon? Oh, I'm sorry. You were planning it on watching it any time soon?

You know what, don't bother. Now definitely not. Yeah, you're fine. So they... Well, they trap him. Yeah, the alien gets sucked in a vacuum again, which is his weakness, it seems. But how does this kid know that?

That's a great question. Turns out there's a plot hole in Mac and me. He's like, I'm going to catch this stupid thing and prove this monster mother of mine wrong. And he enlists the help of the little girl from next door. And they suck this thing into the vacuum. Lucky. Lucky that this works.

And then this thing starts losing it inside the vacuum. I thought you were jealous for it. second. Oh, to get, no, I would love to get sucked into a vacuum. Are you kidding me? Would you? No. Okay. But then the alien has its sweet revenge, though, because the girl's wearing this vacuum cleaner on her back. Oh, shit. Like a Ghostbuster. Which is kind of cool. And this thing starts dragging this girl all over the house. Like, it's like Zool shit. It is. It's dancing on the ceiling, man. There is no

Dana, only Mac. Sure, she, she turns into a puppet, too, and she's falling in. Oh, she gets pupified. There are so many child puppets in this movie. But what I think we're dealing with here is one puppet, different wigs. Yes, absolutely. 100%. I think that's exactly what we're dealing with here.

Puppet in a wheelchair? Uh-oh, it's Eric. Puppet with a little bow in its hair? Uh-oh, it's a girl now. This is a great movie you want to see kids get, like, beaten. It's brutalized. And it's awesome because this puppet just, hits the floor and its legs

go the wrong way. Like this thing just bends so unnaturally. It's fucking horrifying. She's also wearing a football helmet, by the way. And at that moment, Ronald McDonald's under the screening, is like, I don't think this is going to be a good movie. I think we really

made a blunder here, guys. His face is just getting redder and redder. Thinking about all the fucking McDonald's bucks he's wasted. Now, Ronald, hold out. Let's watch. Watch it till the end, Thomas Coke. Is that how the founder ends? He turns into Ronald McDonald?

I never saw that movie. I don't want to spoil that movie for you. It's like the end of usual suspect. The clown! The clown, did you see him? Michael Keaton's walking down the sidewalk and he takes like a handkerchief out and he wipes like, just like white dude makeup.

And then it's clown underneath. Much like the Joker. His limp straightens out and suddenly he's got big clown shoes on. Like that, he's gone. So, yeah, we decide to go, we have to go, early in the movie,

Eric gets invited to a birthday party, and it's like really nice that he gets invited to a birthday party. New to the neighborhood, instant party invite, pretty sweet. It's kind of a dropped line, you're like, oh, there's a birthday party. Mac, overnight, after getting sucked up into the vacuum, I guess, realizes what he did was wrong,

and he magically fixes their hands. house and like puts flowers on everyone's pillow which is terrifying. I never want to wake up to a flower that I wasn't expected. Wake up to my flower wake up to my flower. It's a calling card.

It totally is. I would be shitting my fucking pants. I would much rather a horse head than a flower. Like at least you know where you stand with a horse set. The mafia is going to kill you. You're totally right. Halfway through Alex Cross kicks down the door. Exactly.

So this mother is so stupid again Because she looks around at the house The repaired door The undestroyed wall And she's like, guys, thanks so much You fucking moron These kids aren't spackling the goddamn wall

They're not buying a new door All the new drywall you guys shouldn't have Eric did you do all this You got all those crickets out of here. Man, crickets in your house. Just ugh. Ew. I was in a movie theater one time and there

was crickets. Oh, really? Yeah, it was John Waters a dirty shame. And I'm watching this movie and I'm just hearing crickets. So the movie didn't go over well with the people? We were the only ones in the theater at the time.

But I'm like, man, you know, John Waters is such an innovator, man. Just putting cricket endlessly on this soundtrack. What a fucking genius. And then, like, after the credits finished, the crickets were still there, and I was like, ah, and I go out.

Wait, were you looking for crickets in the uncredits? Crickets as themselves. Oh, this theater manager is just a genius. Such an innovator. So I go out to this dude, and I'm like, hey, man, by the way, I think there's a bunch of crickets in that theater. And he just goes, oh, yeah, the crickets?

Yep. They knew about that cricket problem and had accepted it. So, the girl from next door and her mother come over to pick up Mac, not Mac, Eric, for the birthday party. And this is a whole thing. And they're like, the girl's like,

oh, let me go inside, I'll bring Eric out. And Eric is like, Mac is, like, crying on the couch. He's got all these tissues all over. He's got a bunch of tissues all over his crotch. Wait, wait, so this is actually proving the bump theory. I've got to go back to the bump. Maybe that bump is something, because he's wiping it down afterwards. That's right.

Do we need to go back to the bump? They want to know? Yeah, everybody does. Well, is this a proper bump, Eric, or is this an improper bump? Wait, Max, in this scene? You know what, I would say it's definitely improper, but it makes it proper because they're like addressing, it's secreting things. Okay, so like a seven.

Yeah. maybe a six out of ten I give this alien genitalia six out of ten bumps what a disgusting thing how many people how many people left no none none

that's aliens you want to talk about aliens you gotta talk about bumps you gotta know about bombs so the they're like oh but we can't leave mac he's so upset they say the word depressed which is kind of odd A why would you why would a kid say that and B why would you say that about an alien Why would you ever think an alien was depressed?

Come on. It's an alien. Also, why would you care? Also, more importantly. It's unhuman. So they're like, oh my God, but we have to go to this birthday party because my mom is demanding that we do. So they're like, okay, let's dress him up. Let's skin a teddy bear and put this thing in there.

And it's the creepiest. This is so annoying. How? Go ahead. But I have a question. It's functioning as like, it's got like human limbs. suddenly, and it's moving around like a human might.

Listen. You showed it functioning one way, and suddenly it's in another costume and it can do anything. I don't like that. No, it's inconsistent. Yes. But that's my question. How do you make this disgusting piece of canvas jerky more

disgusting? Have it wear a teddy bear flesh suit. Yep. Is the answer. And it's the only answer. And the writers of this movie knew that. A teddy bear skin suit that hasn't been washed, by the way. No, no, this is a dirty skin suit. I feel bad for, like, the merchandising

department's like, all right, you want me to make a plush toy of Mac, which is disgusting. And then there's the alternate costume, which is a plush toy of Mac in a loose-fitting teddy pear costume. It looks like, have you ever seen a picture of old toys from the Great Depression?

Yeah. That's what it looks like. It's fucking horrifying. Or I also Bobo, Mr. Burns is bear Yes. That's what it looks like Except there's a person dancing in it So we go in the car, we get to thank God

Ronald is like checking his watch Can I just say something Steve? Because there's something It's so offensive. Oh, please. This soulless next-door neighbor lady is taking the Eric in his wheelchair up to the car and she just goes, now how am I supposed to to do this.

Are you fucking serious? What is he going to say? Strap me to the roof. You fucking moron, take me out of the chair, put me in the car, and put the fucking thing in the trunk. How do I do this? You got a belt I could hold on to? That's how I go from place to place.

You've never seen... So do I just tie the chair or the bumper? I just strap myself to a belt and get pulled places. You've seen that, right? It's just outrageously dumb. I'm sorry. So we get to McDonald's, and I don't know.

Is everyone on drugs in this McDonald's? Yeah. I mean, that's, what else is going on here? It's a bunch of horse, dude. Everyone took a bunch of fucking horse. Because we get there, people are immediately having a dance competition. In the parking lot. Yeah, you can't even pull into this McDonald's.

Oh, we'd be furious. Oh, I'd be laying on that horn. Are you kidding me? Get out of the way! I need McDonald's! Dancing at a parking lot! Also, you're fucking blocking the handicapped parking space.

Very true. Which for the first time of my life I get to use. Very exciting. Yeah, it's an exciting day for everybody. Don't take that away from you. So we go in and then there's more dancing and Mac turns into Mr. Fantastic which should fucking stop this party dead.

Like, he's like, oh, I want, he desperately needs a Coke, so he reaches out. Oh, God. He's like, I'm drying out. Bluh. And I am puking. Just straight up puking. It's a John Carpenter nightmare, man. It's like, ew, ew.

Oh, God. They don't want to be Mac. They want to be ours. Exactly. And, like, fucking horrifying. Then Mac also gets into the dancing, and everyone's like, what is that creepy? Like, best case scenario, who is that crazy little person dancing in a bear suit? But that's not the only thing that's fucked up about this stuff.

The managers tap your shoulder, like, yo, dude, what's going on? The story, the story that they lay out there is that it's this kid's teddy bear that's got, like, microchips in it. Oh, shit. So it can, like, move around realistically because it's got microchips. Killer robot. But then it's stretching. And then it's just dancing like a person. That story's falling apart in two seconds.

Well, also, this is supposed to be a birthday party for a little child. And can we just take a step to... There's a football team. Yep. The Washington Redskins. Yes, 40 or, you know, 30-40-year-olds. And then you have ballerinas being skeptical of the other dancing. It's like...

They are throwing some fucking shade at everybody else dancing. It's like the afterlife at Beetlejuice. Where did these people come from? Dude, that's the thing, man. I think this McDonald's is hell. Oh, I see. It's just a waiting room in hell. And Ronald is in this scene.

This is Ronald's cameo. He might be the devil. That checks out. Everything about that checks out. And they're like, Ronald will he fix your makeup? Don't go, don't fucking touch me. Oh my God, that's not Ronald McDonald at all. That's John Wayne Gasey.

Again? Again. He always sneaks in there. But it's interesting because in this scene, and we don't get to see this a lot in the commercials and everything, you get to see Ronald practicing his craft. Because here he is, making a scarf come out of a fucking happy meal box. And I was like, oh, you're being a real clown.

That's cute. It's real fucking hard. The government agents become a force in this part. Like, they start chasing. They dispatch like three 60-year-old government agents to catch this thing. Like, this is not top men. Moon troopers would be top, man. Yes, exactly.

You get some moon troopers of boots in the field? I think you got it. We want, like, Joe Pesci's gang from Moonwalker. Like, that's what we're thinking. Yes. Yes. That's what you want. How about this? Save everybody the trouble and just nuke that fucking restaurant.

Yes. First of all, there's a gas leak no matter what. Oh, totally. There's an alien in there. You don't know how many people in that restaurant might have seen... Restaurant. Might have seen... Might have seen this fucking thing.

these government agents have no recourse but to like lock the doors and burn it down. Yep, totally. Chain up those doors, light that grease pit on fire. McDonald's burn all the time. It's plausible. All the time? Enough, enough.

Actually, now that I think about it, a McDonald's in my hometown totally burned to the ground. Oh, maybe there was an alien in there. They turned it into a Boston market. That's always, that's the cover, man. Boo is right, sir. Boo is right, sir. Boo indeed. So they wind up, they escape the government agents,

and everyone's just dancing around. And now we have like a chase scene where these three 60-year-old men cannot catch a kid in a wheelchair. They can't catch a breath either. To be fair, at one point. He does hang on to the back of a van at one point. He does a little skitchin, yeah.

But these dudes are kind of keeping up with it, which is totally unrealistic. Two of the three would drop dead after like the first half mile, you know what I mean? So the mom has traveled cross-country to manage a Sears, as I understand it? Yeah, as we found out, this is her first job in 10 years. Well, because that guy that she was married to, I guess, was working, and now he's dead. Well, I had drug money.

Right, but I guess that's the cover. She's got to work at his sears. He does look like that. He does look like that guy. But she's got to pretend to go legit, right? You don't want anyone asking questions. Totally. So apply at Sears.

Exactly. Is Sears still a thing? And you know what happens when you apply at Sears? You work at Sears. Welcome aboard. Yeah, exactly. Yes, Sears still exists. That's cool.

They also, what, what are we saying? They own Kmart. Oh, that's cool. They own Kmart. Wow. The application's two-sided. On the front side says, are you a living person? And you hit the check mark, and you go over,

and it says, welcome aboard. on it. So they'd go terrorize this innocent Sears location. Oh, Jesus. And this alien is just lighting up all of these appliances trying to escape these people.

Firebombing people. And the Keystone cops are like sliding through aisles. Oh, it's embarrassing. You work for the fucking FBI. FBI and NASA. They're buffoons. My favorite part is when they leave the Sears they locked the door behind them and like

this FBI throws a TV through the window and I'm like, oh it's great and then he's like kicking the rest of the glass out I would do the same thing if I thought I was locked in his ears. Are you kidding me? I'd fucking lose my mind. Get me out of here.

I just want like right after it the manager from off screen what the fuck! Yeah. Well that mom is instantly fired. She has to lose. She's gone. Yeah. So then we enter what is like the road trip part of this movie. Right? Like a good old-fashioned American

road trip. Because there's like a high speed like pick up the kid and the alien in the van all at once. Oh it's like a Fast and Furious stunt. Exactly. And these like beleaguered fucking FBI is like, oh man. We should have thought to get a car. Yeah. Fuck.

At one point we had a car. Damn it. Turns out running down the street in dress shoes isn't as practical. So yeah, they They drive, they hit the road, and they're like, oh, Mac has been giving us signals. There's, like, horses involved. There's windmills, et cetera, et cetera.

We get to this area of California. The horses are running after the car. I thought they were trying to warn, like, the people inside. Like, dude, man, these aliens have been coring out our assholes for years. You ever read about that? All livestock get their assholes cord out by aliens. Like, fucking cord out. The council of horses.

Now, for the people who, you know, revel in this kind of alien talk. Yeah. Do they have any ideas as to the function of the asshole coring? Yes, yes. Now, this is very interesting. There's so much you could tell from, like, let's say we take your asshole out. Okay, I'm with you so far. You could find out your diet.

You could find, like, oh, what interesting bacteria is out there, you know? Well, it's just interesting. these like intergalactic beings right and their way to analyze something is core out an asshole I just think it's a little primitive are the doors sealed

why are you all here now you can't leave oh yeah yeah we're gonna burn this place down we're gonna throw pig's blood on Steve's head up there's exciting yeah and the horses are like, get out of here, go, go!

Don't say you weren't warned! They find an abandoned mine where I guess all of Max's family was dead. They were like, maybe they hitchhiked with the wrong guy when I stashed the bodies in the old mine. I was watching this at like 1 o'clock in the morning, and I was kind of like dozing in and out, you know, because it's Mac and me.

Sure. And I sort of just look at the TV, and when they show the alien family in this mine shaft, they clearly have just thrown these puppet suits on the ground. A kimbo. And these things are just lying with their dead eyes open. And I swear to you I did this. I looked at my dog, and I was like, is that real?

What the fuck are you doing with the eyes open? So they have to be dead, right? They've got to be dead. Yeah, they're dead. And they're resurrected through the power of Coca-Cola. Yep. A cold can, man. So the older brother, what's his name?

Craig? Michael. Thank you. Some of you guys really like this fucking movie. So Michael's like, I'm going to take Mac on my back like fucking Yoda and we're going to venture into this cave. The rest of you

stay out here. And then he runs back out and he's like, get the Coke! Get the Coke! And at this point, Ronald McDonald is grabbing John Coke next to him. This wasn't part of the deal. This is bullshit. This is fucking bullshit. It's Thomas Coke. Fuck you, Ronald.

Look what you did. Dave Thomas is going to win! It should have been French fries. That was a deal. you son of a bitch, I saw that script. You fuck me for the last time, Coke! Oh, man, imagine if they switched to Pepsi and McDonald's.

Oh, man. Oh, man, that's a betrayal you can't walk back from. I don't know if the American economy could stand it. They really don't. It would sink like a stone. So they fucking pump these disgusting things full of soda. And they, like, one by one cough back to life.

I mean, let them die. Yeah, please. They'll be easier to dissect. Yeah, totally. You don't want to dissect a living thing. That's tricky. Well, maybe. Depends on how much rope you got.

What with all the coring? And we're driving back. We're like, okay, well, you know, I don't know what the plan is. I guess we'll just go home. Yeah, I mean, that's, what is the end game here? Are you just living with this family of fucking freaks now? Is that what's going on? They're really annoying.

They're so annoying. The dad's being, like, kind of aggressive. They're all whistling in this van. My God, living with this? No. And the only answer is execution. I can't live with that constant whistling. And much like a Quentin Tarantino movie,

like, we pull off the side of the road and this, like, and you just watch it a family comedy or whatever. And you don't know that this, like, huge shootout is about to take place. Like, it's just like this, it's a really still country road. You know, we establish the grocery store. The climax of heat's about to go down. Fucking Val Kilmer's walking out with a machine gun. Ooh, he would be a great moon trooper.

He would. He'd be the leader of the moon troopers. Definitely, yeah. Tom Seisworth's picking up a kid looking around. So they stop off for gas and classic mistake when you're dealing with stupid kids. The two sort of adults, like these teenagers are like, all right, we're going to go into this convenience store. You two children

watch this family of monsters for us. And so this Volkswagen convertible pulls up Volkswagen a lot of money in this movie. And these two ladies are... I'll give you like $12,000. Welcome aboard.

Oh, we believe $12,000 is plenty for Mac and Me. That buys you like, what, 15 puppets? I've seen those puppets. They're cheap. Now Volkswagen is the majority shareholder in your stupid little movie. You will all drive Volkswagen

cars now. So these two ladies pull up and one woman's like, all right, I'm going to go pay for the gas. You hang out here and drink this delicious Sprite. And so this disgusting alien looks out the window and he's like, Sprite, well that's a Coke product.

And smashes his disgusting paw. Soda! And grabs it out of this woman. and she starts screaming because of course you would, you know. And so everybody's losing their fucking mind. This kid's like inside on the pay phone

trying to call the mom or so. I don't even know. Who cares? Good call. The aliens come into this grocery store and the world stops, right? This is, I mean... How does no one throw up? Like not one person in this grocery store is going to throw up, look at these things? The reactions are so unbelievable.

Because I was getting nauseous watching this movie. I was like gagging looking at these fucking things saunter into this grocery store And I love that there's this like Hillbilly because they're trying to show like the duality between aliens

There's no difference Between man and beast Because there's like this hillbilly ladies Got her baby totally naked In a grocery store And look at Mac and me's mom She's like yep we're the same See on Sunday

Ain't that something And so all they want Is delicious ice cold Coca-Cola and they just grossly walk into that grocery store to get it and someone's like, somebody calls security, here comes this fucking hillbilly, gun drawn. But there's a watermelon in this scene and I think the dad is figuring out like,

this shit's gonna kill us. We need something more natural. Oh, well, that's your sin in a movie sponsored by fucking Coca-Cola and McDonald's. Trying to eat a piece of fruit. Are you kidding me? You deserve to have a gun drawn on you. Dude, it's like fucking handling an orange

and the godfather. You're fucking mark for death. Are you kidding me? So this security guard has a gun in a grocery store. Really a bad idea, right? I mean, you're gonna fucking blow somebody away for stealing Twinkies?

Like, I know, this man does not need this. And he's just pointing it right at this alien. He walks right up to this alien. He's ready to go to hell tonight, man. Yeah, point. Like, let's both go. Let's go see Ronald's down below

sits down with the alien plays Russian roulette a little bit and this is truly harrowing because everyone in this scene is screaming and like the littler kids are crying more cops are pouring in oh yeah out of nowhere the sheriff's office pulls up and all of a sudden Michael turns into fucking

you know Chris Penn at the end of reservoir Stop pointing that gun at my alien! No, drop the guard! Drop the gun! I'm like, what am I watching? And this security guard is a coward. Yes.

This alien walks right up to him and just plunks it out of his hand and starts waving it around. He doesn't even do it fast. It's just like, fuck you. I think I forgot how these aliens walk. I think I forgot how that happened. Well, these people came

A long way to be in there. Steve, it's kind of like he's got the gun drawn. Uh-huh. Right? And he's got his legs spread. His knees are bent. And he's leaning with his bump. And he's just kind of doing a little of that. You know what I mean?

Like shoot it dead. I want to shoot you dead right now. I want to shoot myself dead after that. And they go outside. They're like, we've got this. gun and we're leaving. It's kind of the most awesome part of the movie because he's just like, do something.

Yeah, exactly. I got your gun, I got your soda, fucking do something. I so dare you. I got enough soda to make it to Mexico now. I'll stretch my disgusting arm around your fucking fat body like a boa constrictor. I dare you. So then

like the ATF shows up or whatever the fuck, they finally make a perimeter and they're like, well, we should start firing while a kid in a wheelchair is caught in the crossfire. It's the same team that fucked up Waco, man. I mean, this is outrageous. That's why they're like cautious and they don't...

Oh, wait, they do blow up the fucking place. All right. Oh, yeah, no, yeah. All right, good. Yeah, no, that's... I'll text it. It all texts out. Now, a lot of people die in this, I assume.

I mean, this is outrageous. So, like, they're just firing wildly. The older brother gets locked up. What's his name again? Michael, thank you. Michael gets locked up because he tries to stop the cops from shooting, so he's in the back of a squad car. And this kid, the little brother, Eric, is like,

no, no, I got this, don't worry. And they're still fighting. We're talking shotguns are going off. And this guy just zips out to go to these aliens. They fucking fire at some, I don't know, someone's got a grenade. As something happens, this store just blows up. Well, they hit the grocery store's gas tank.

That's it. And you just see, again, it's a child puppet in this wheelchair. Just go, and this thing just whips back. And this kid is D, E, A, D, D, dead. Oh, my Lord, is he dead. And the mother lands in a helicopter somehow. And she's like, no, my son was shot dead. And I'm like, did the movie change?

Well, can you imagine? So cut to 1988. you're one of the seven families that saw this in the theater. Sure. And you're just the parent, and you're just horrified. Like, what did this devolve into? My God! And so they, you know, they bring Michael back,

who doesn't, he should look like, I don't even know it, like Hitler at the end of Inglorious Bastards. But he doesn't. It's a good look. They get him down on the ground, and it's just like, some doctor runs out of nowhere, and he's like, yeah, he's dead.

I subscribe him a sedative. Here you go, kid. He's been like sedative in his dead mouth. And so like all of, like the two sisters, the brother, they're just weeping in a kid's movie that's sponsored by McDonald's. Tears are falling on this kid's fucking corpse, raining tears on his dead face.

You know, you didn't know that these aliens knew black men. magic, but they do. And then, in one of the most chilling images in all of cinema, we cut to a wall of fire. No, we cut to the DVD screen for T2.

And it's just like, dun dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. And this fucking alien family walks through a firewall. What of it? and then they start doing like this prayer to the Lord of the Light

Oh my God it's all sorts of gleep-glop religious horseshit I was kind of expecting it to be like at the end of Indiana Jones in the temple of in the last crusade when like they give Sean Connery

the cup of life and it's just like them feeding this kid Coke a little bit they pour coke over his bullet wound and it washes away no no then it's just like oh that didn't work well we're out of ideas He is, he's dead.

Well, he's dead and infected now. Try Diet Coke. Sprite? I don't know. We're running out of Coke products. How about French fry? Stick a little French fry in that wound. Yeah, it's salt in a wound.

Yeah. Potato salt. Yeah. The best kind of salt. So this kid's still dead. And then they do this weird thing where they're like, all right, everybody holds hands. And the mother, who's just got.

gotten there 20 seconds ago. It's like, yeah, all right, fuck it. I mean, what do I have left to lose? This is the first time I think she actually sees the aliens, and she's like, oh, my dead son wasn't lying to me. And then they put the soul of the dead father into the boy. No, it's dead.

And then it's vice versa. And mother to me. Oh, man, that'd be great if Yannosh Pohar just showed up. Ghostbusters, too. They just, like, spirit this kid back to life because they can now. So, like, this is what we learn about these aliens in, like, a three-minute span. Really great at firing weapons. Impervious to Flame.

Experts in necromancy. Okay. Can also stretch, can live off Coca-Cola, can magically fuck up a house. Apparently, don't smell that bad. I don't know how. Whistle. constantly. Well, it's not just Coke. Their diet also has a lot of

Skittles in it. Oh, that's right. A whole lot of candy. Well, that's the, like, it's the only thing that fits. It's like the only solid food that fits in that little hole. Man, Skittles. Spielberg had a fucking case, man. He had a case

against these people. It's H.R. Mars of the Mars Corporation. We would like some Skittles in this film. Also, I smoked too much. Yeah, just. put some skittles in their mouth urethrus. So this kid comes back to life

and it's kind of like nobody cares. Yeah, that's cool. Like they're like, oh, you're alive? Good. You know what? You know who cares? The sheriff? He's like, oh, thank God. Yeah, oh man. Who! Not losing my job today. That would have been a lot of paperwork. I've gone from villain to hero in two seconds. So a young boy in a wheelchair was instantly incinerated by a wall of flame your men set off in a parking lot. And wait, hold on.

He's white. What? Yeah, our body cams were off for that one. Oh, wait, he's okay? They were on. So cut to these aliens getting citizenship. Just, you, there's like 29 deleted scenes in between kid coming back from the dead

and naturalization to become United States citizens. I'll tell you what, they better learn how to speak English, okay? You got to speak English before you get here from Mars, all right? And you don't know necessarily what's happening because these two bungling FBI agents are running into a courthouse and they're like, oh, we're so late. And they get in and it's really crowded

and I was like, what the fuck's going on? I think they're trying to arrest them before they come citizens. Get it before he makes it legal. So then it's this crowded courthouse and I'm like, I still don't know what's going on. They take their seats. There's a judge and it's like, oh, you know,

do you swear to throw away your allegiance to any other nation? I was like, oh my God, wait a second. Wait, no, what is happening in this movie? or are they becoming citizens of these United States cut to these disgusting creatures

the dad is in a suit the mother and the daughter are in like Sunday church gowns we taught them shame and genders all at once and gave them all these clothes like yeah there you go nice little cube and the fucking baby

is wearing like a Mick Kids t-shirt just to really fucking core out your ass one more time that McDonald's bought this movie which by the way wearing a McDonald's t-shirt

to your naturalization ceremony I don't know how about just a polo shirt Mac everybody else dressed up it's a nice button up that's all you need I think you had said this backstage but this guy this judge

who's giving the speeches a bunch of people getting their sins and chip does not like stop to be like, and by the way, this is the first time we've ever given an alien citizenship. So it's kind of a historic day, I guess. I counted one video camera and maybe two like still cameras.

Like the president would be there. This was a global event. You wouldn't do this publicly. I mean, they would get their own ceremony. Why are you just lumping them in with everybody else? This is a special thing. These are aliens. Have we given them a physical yet?

Are they cancerous? Are we sure they're not? cancerous? These guys might be radioactive dude. Nobody is testing shit. There's a lot of them. Cut one up. You make the rest citizens, but you need to figure out what's going on. Like Max's a character. We kind of get to know those parents a little bit.

That older kid? Yeah. I agree. I think that's the one that should die. I don't know, Barr. I don't know. They want to give these aliens. They want to give them citizenship. I don't know. I think Quail signed the check on that one.

Oh, it's a public ceremony? God damn it. That means I have to write a speech and everything. Yeah, he would be there. Yes, of course he would be there. Not this Judge Edo knockoff, where this dude is. I don't know, Barr, as long as I don't touch them.

It's an 80s movie, so we all got to pile into a Cadillac and just drive away. Where did they get the money for a fucking car? Are they working What is happening? Gotta stop these government handouts bar. And the thing that stinks is you know that this family is just forever tied to these things.

Like you're not ditching this at any point. This is your life now. Now you've got to wipe their ass, whatever that is. You got the mom, her two sons, and then just fucking every week with these things. Forever. Holidays, vacation, weekends. I'm sure you'll tell them what Easter is. You know what I mean?

They keep calling me on the phone and whistling. It's really irritating. And then the audacity. The audacity is right. You're not going to believe this. They're driving and the stupid fucking alien is

chewing gum and blowing bubbles and then like, you know, We get like a nice high shot of the highway, right? And a cartoon bubble gum bubble blows up and it just goes, we'll be back! My fucking foot! You'll be back! Are you kidding me?

Cartoon outro kind of, right? Cartoon outro technically. I'll count it. That's a rare. Well, the sequel would have answered a lot of questions, I think. A lot of the questions we had tonight would have been answered to that sequel. probably the bump questions more than anything

oh and that's Mac and me you guys now we got a we got a ski dattle here so we want to thank the bell house for having us back thanks to all of you for coming out you've been a fantastic audience as always now we like to end each show with a little bit

of correspondence here, and I think I'll open up my burger here. Don't, don't do it. Don't you fucking do it. You didn't do anything to it, right? Oh, no. Oh, man. I wait, I could oh, God.

Oh, wow. Well, there's no pins in it or nothing. But there are a bunch of pubes. That's not funny. That's awful All right So here we go

Subject line Leave it alone Six out of ten stars From Goon 2 Oh he got in early, huh? Well, Goon 1 is taken Well, let me see

Goon 2 Let's try Goon 2 Oh, I got it These are people, man so it's not another Gone with the Wind it's not another super long totally racist movie

is any movie that was designed for a very young audience really going to be that great yeah yeah I mean that's plenty of times the Iron Giant Wow Killed with the Iron Giant

What did you say? Iron Giant man I just killed Yeah, that's a good one. I just killed with it. Killed with it. Mac and me, by any terms, is not considered to be a great movie or even a good movie.

But it's entertaining. All capital letters on that entertaining. Oh, yeah. I thought the alien was adorable. The relationship between it and the kids wasn't bad. And, I don't know if this next part's like internet speak or what, but they go, And Blugue.

What? B.L.O.O.G. Okay. Blug. Oh, that could be. I loved the alien's parents at the end. I guess waving that gun around. I wonder who played those people.

Especially the father? Oh, it was George C. Scott. And George C. Scott has Big Mac. He had a day off from hardcore. Played a fucking ass. God you're Mac and me! You're gonna shoot me, huh? You're gonna shoot me?

That would be awesome. Yeah. I wonder what it would be like to walk around in an alien suit. Ew. This movie review is veering off course. It was a cute alien suit too. So like they don't care about walking around

like a xenomore for a predator or some shit, but these fucking gross things, yeah, cute. Predator is cuter than this thing, I'll tell you that, but... Guaranteed. Guaranteed. I would love a baby predator movie. That'd be adorable. Anyway, who cares if it's not a good movie?

How can anybody hate those sweet little creatures? If you do hate it, if you do hate it, show it to your younger relatives, or leave or something. You don't have to watch it, and put it down. We are We Hate Movies, everybody. Thank you so much for coming out. You've been awesome.

We'll see you next time. Bye-bye. That was a hit-gum podcast.