We Hate Movies - S7: WHM Mail Bag - Broken Remotes, Soviet Cinema(s), Gross Rags, and Creepy Dude Teachers

Episode Date: July 1, 2017

On this month's WHM Mail Bag, the guys once again welcome Hooked on T.J. Hooker's Ben Worcester to read letters covering such family-friendly topics as insane dads with remote control control issues, friends wasting time in an ex-soviet movie theater, a creepy-as-hell male teacher terrorizing an all-girl private school, and one dude who needs to clean his car out way more often. PLUS: Eric gets denied a "Jay Walking" appearance! If you want your weird stories read on the air, or if you have questions for the gang, write in to the WHM Mail Bag: [e-mail]! Be sure to get your emails in now, gang. We're doing a Mail Bag for July and then taking August off! Don't wait! Write now! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Welcome to WHAMailbag, everybody. Wow, beefed that. Wow, I'm just going to keep going. Everybody. Listen, if you have a body, this is for you. Everybody. We're doing it for everybody.

If you don't have a body, you're a lost spirit, and you've got to get to hell. Get to hell. You know what? I'm so thrilled to not be talking about Transformers. I don't think we're going to say this will be the only time this entire month. Yes. I don't know why you're even saying it. I know, I'm ruining it.

I just want to put a bullet in my brain. Now, I, of course, I'm Andrew Juppin, alongside who you've heard, Stephen Sadek and Eric Siska. And also in studio, we're continuing to be joined by our good buddy, Ben Worcester. Happy to be back for another mailbag. Now, Ben, of course, just laid down Transformers' Colon, Age of Extinction with us. So we stuck around for this. He's also finishing dinner.

So we'll let him continue eating that pork and rice. And we'll get to some letters here. Steve Sadek, why don't you start us off? Alien versus Predator versus Romance. Uh-oh, getting sexy. What? This week's AVP Stravaganza reminded me of the, time I met a girl at a party in

the university. I like that. She was smart and funny and we hit it off. I like that too. We somehow got on the topic of B movies, which we were both fond of Jerry Seinfeld? Do you like B movie? I do too.

Let's have sex. Are you a giant? Step on my balls. Which you both fond of. She was especially fond of Alien versus Predator. Maybe too fun. I had only seen bits and pieces of it,

so she ended up describing a pivotal scene where the predator takes off his mask and he has dreadlocks and Sanal-Lathen. There it is. Isn't that Seinfeld's first wife? And they almost kiss. And it is so hot. This is in quotes, by the way.

This woman is saying this. In quotes, in caps. So she was really saying. She got turned on by the predator. perhaps despite my better judgment we ended up going up on a couple of dates once to x-men the last stand which she enjoyed that's another fucking warning sign two strikes but it didn't really take off looking back on my subsequent dating history I think I should have maybe married the girl well well maybe you should have honestly like what does it matter you know she likes oh you know me you know she likes big predator dudes you're a big predator if James Carville can be married to a to a to a Republican, and they keep it going, they keep it hot

while analyzing politics. You can hate Alien versus Predator. She can love it, and you could have maybe had some cute babies. Oh, shit, I think I married a predator. Oh, shit, look at that predator there. Her ugly face and a stupid dread like, oh, I'm sorry, that's just my Republican

wife. So he's a xenomorph. Have you seen James Carville lately? Of course he's a xenomorph. A little, a little James Carvel comes out of his mouth. Oh, look at that. I'm bleeding acid. My Cajun blood.

You know what? Keep a temple, stupid. It just, honestly, I don't need to be from Michael Fossbender's machinations. I could just be an alien in space. James Carville, not of this earth. No, no way. I don't understand what's going on here, though. She was smart and funny.

Yeah. What's the problem. Maybe she doesn't say. Maybe she was making a joke. also by the way maybe like oh it's so hot we say that stuff on the show all the time this well yeah true but this is the thing he says it didn't really take off but he doesn't

specify that they broke up because she liked excellent so that might be something else she was into something like it could have maybe she was stealing stuff from it maybe it was his night terrors you know you never know maybe this guy's got night terrors he started screaming and his sleeping

fucking flams flying around and he just neglects to mention it in the mailbag I mean, we don't have enough details here. So, I mean, I think alien versus predator versus romance, I got to go with Predator. I agree. All right, Ben Worcester, take the next one here. We're doing back to the remote. There's go.

Yep. This one is called Back of the Remote. Thank you for your podcast service. You're welcome. Your podcast gets me through my morning commute and most of my day. You're welcome. Consider contributing to the paper. Patreon.

God damn. I said consider. Just, yeah, I mean, you know. Just think about it. I mean, the mailbags are free, so, I mean, you know, you might as well consider it. Or patreon.com slash we hate movies. This is one big commercial. You're the star of the commercial.

On your May mailbag, Andrew's story of the back of the remote being removed transported me. there's that word again well no no it wasn't transformed me it's the transported it's just the way we also hate the transporter movies right guys that's actually true those are terrible all right let's get in the face car oh shit I'm gonna turn into a fucking truck

it's just it's close enough that it gives me the willy yeah you're totally right all right continue transported me back to my formative years of being a shit little kid. I like this guy already. In the late 90s, when my household somehow had more remotes than it does today, I would constantly play with the back of remotes while watching TV.

Hmm. The most common offense I committed would be playing with a little, quote, springy plastic portion of the back of the remote that was necessary to lock the remote and cover the batteries. I think I know what he's talking about. Yeah, like a clasp. Yeah. Yeah.

He's the back of the remote there. He's a fidgeter. I know what that's like. I would often fiddle with this piece until the plastic clip broke off, thus making it impossible for the back of the remote to stay on. Oh, yeah, I've been there.

Come on, you gotta respect the remote. And also, Steve, he's a fiddler, not a fidgetter. He needs one of those, uh, what's the thing nowadays? Oh, Christ, these fidget spinners, whatever the fuck. right one of these things sure that's what the kids are into they though yeah but back in my day they just told you to sit and spin and you did oh man did i ever that poor broom it's only a matter of time before these things start exploding right oh yeah absolutely catching fire someone's murdered four or by one there was like that two week period it was like oh look hoverboards guys and

oh no those are actually like just bombs i saw i saw someone i'm telling you this right Right now, we're recording this on June 1st, 2017. I saw in May of 2017 a girl on a hoverboard thing on a crowded sidewalk and she was like trying to do it. And I just wanted to be like, get with the rest of human society and throw that in the garbage. You should have dropped kicked her. You're fucking like a year and a half too late with this shit. Stop it. You should just yell, be able to yell, bomb!

And, like, it's what it is. I love yelling that in the airport. Or just tackle her. For the safety of everyone. Yeah, absolutely. I saw something and I did something about it. The hero of New York. Yeah.

All right, let's continue. As you can imagine, this drove my father to madness. Fucking remote. Due to the condition of the various remotes for the living room, the batteries would often fall out. I'm getting mad already. My father would then have me duct tape the remotes back together to keep the batteries from falling out. I was going to say, speaking of fathers, my father, you fucking put duct tape on the back of that thing.

Dude, sweet. These batteries aren't falling out of shit, young man. If you take that lip with me again, you're going to get that duct tape across your face. Yeah, that's what it was like. And then you're going back into the box. The boo box. Boobox. Man, poor gling close.

dressed as a pirate. This, in turn, would infuriate my mother who objected to the aesthetics of four or five duct tape remote controls. If you have more than four remote controls with duct tape on them, you might be eating a golden corral tonight. Oh, bravo.

Yeah. Seriously, though, why did we have so many remotes? That's a great question because this person is saying we're talking the late 90s we had definitely invented the universal remote

by this time. Oh, keep reading. Oh, all right. My mother's rage. Oh, man, this poor family. He's an angry family. Right they all. We're the hates.

The hates. This is Adolf hate. This is David Koresh hate and a little Donald hate. A little Tim McVeigh hate. Don't forget Pol Pot hate. Oh, Paul Pard. Hey, yeah, the exchange student. Arlene Wernos hate.

Nice, Steve. Full representation. Absolutely. The D.C. Sniper hate. He's my favorite part of the show. He always comes. in. He's got the best shots.

My mother's rage only drove my father to further madness. Fucking David Cronenberg movie is this. Body horror is sure to come up next. Who just...

My father tried to turn himself into her. He's just going to go mold with the TV next. Videodrome style. Put the remote in my chest vagina. All right, you know what?

You keep losing the battery. Just put it in my chest vagina. I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of the whole damn thing. Ripped the duct tape off and just open that vagina right up. You want to see my handgun? I'll show it to you. Ooh, that's gross.

Mm-hmm. Further madness, who just, he just wanted to turn on the goddamn TV guide channel and find out what's coming up next. Man, those are days I miss. The TV Guide channel. With the fucking just relaxing, Zen. And this was old TV Guide channel

where it was just like music. Uh-huh. And then the shit just scrolled by. Then they started putting like videos in there. And it ruined the whole thing. It cocked it right up. The whole aesthetics were ruined. Speaking of,

yeah, speaking of ruined aesthetics. I blame, um, well, Roger Ailes. that works the the end result

was the purchase of a oh ding ding ding ding ding ding universal remote there we go that was an overpriced piece of shit they usually were after a week of programming we got the remote to work

however come on just take a few minutes I mean well as as Steve said this is a family that you know was fueled by rage They might be angry. However, I was prohibited from using the remote

without the supervision of my father who kept it in his locked glove box. This guy is a grade A maniac. You're driving around with a remote control to your TV and your living room? Do you imagine that dude gets pulled over and he goes to get like the insurance information out of the glove box and the car?

He's that. He's like, what's that? Oh, sorry, sir. That's just my universal remote. I'm going to have to ask you to step out of the vehicle, sir. You drive it around watching TV, buddy? Get out of that car. I know what his favorite movie is. Click.

What's the name? Oh, the Adam Sandler movie? Yeah. Oh, rewind my prom night or whatever the fuck. Dubba. Dubu do do do do do do do do do dabba. Andrew cried at the end of that movie. Oh, come on.

I didn't even see that. Because I got got by him, like he's dying in the parking lot. and he's dead. He rewinds it and he's okay now. No, well, no, then he just like wakes up and it's all a dream. And I think Billy Crystal was working on that bed bath and beyond. No, that's Chris Wachan, my friend. Oh, that's right.

God, who could care? Nobody will. Probably stay tuned. I mean, you were only being manipulated by the remote. And I was only fucking 25 years old when that movie came out. All right, let's finish this one up. Ah, there's more. This lasted for only a couple of weeks before the rest of the family.

flipped out over not being able to watch anything if my father's car was gone. Because he's a fucking maniac. This is ridiculous. This story is pretty good, by the way. With my father's car was gone without having to engage in the lost art of having to manually get up to change the channel. That's torture. Okay. Eventually, the universal remote made its way back into the fold, and I, of course, eventually broke the back of it.

You see, Linda, you see? You call me crazy for driving around the remote, and now it's broken. And now we were the same mess we were before. Oh, you better believe Billy's going to military school. I don't win me anywhere near by me row. Bhabo do do da-bado do that. We're all going to hell tonight, Linda. Gasoline, gasoline.

Wait, what's on the preview channel? Oh, man. Oh, calming down. Oh, yeah. Is that, that's how Chris Benway did it? Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

It was not over. How do you know? That's a good point. Yeah, you know what? Eric's right. You don't know. I mean, he was ready to give the crippler cross face to anyone who looked at him ascans. He clearly had fucking stage 7 CTE, man.

Anything could have set him off. I'd love to hear any similar stories from you regarding any family rules pertaining to the operation of the television. Keep up the good work and make your way to St. Louis sometime soon. Yeah, we got to get out there. I can give you some venue spots if you're interested, sincerely a friend. I like that little disclosure reference. I had no rules, so I don't know if I can add anything. We, this is going to take you back.

We used to have, and me and my brother's room, we had a TV that was a dial. Oh, sure. You change a channel. And the knob came off, and we would use, and here's the problem. So to fix it, or not fix it, to be able to change a channel, we would jam forks in the teeth. So how many times did you get electrocuted? No, none.

Not into the thing. But it was like a peg basically and you'd jam a fork in it and it would like you'd be able to twist the thing to get to the channel, the desired channel. Now the move would be to use one fork to do this and have one fork at the ready. A universal fork if you will.

Yeah. So you pull the knob and you get pegged. And the problem was we would use we used all of the forks so literally by the end of it every single fork looked like weird buck teeth like you know what I mean it drove my mother fucking mad now we didn't have regulations at all it was always like multiple TVs and multiple rooms in multiple rooms with TVs in them

and everybody just kind of fanned out Ben Wester there was one rule for a brief period we had like a premium cable thing where we You could have access to stuff. Showtime Extreme. Yeah. Stars 5. And my dad, this is, this is, stars five.

Well, Showtime comes up with cool names for their alt channels. And I figure Stars is like, ah, it's just another stars. Sounds right to me. This was kind of right around when, you know, Ben is entering his, his teenage years. Here we go. I like this. And so dad had a, he just had a rule with me where, He's like, he gave me the freedom.

He's like, if you want to order a nudie thing, go ahead. But just pay me. I've never heard this in my life. This is great, though. This is the show, this gives you work ethic and jerk ethic. Oh, man, I got to mow a lot of lawns this summer so I can jerk off. So, uh, well, Mother, uh, Benjamin is learning a lot. Uh, he's a picture route.

Um, the porn bill is through the, Roof. Picking up new language skills. Conalingas, he's a word he learned. He's very industrious this summer.

So you see, Mother, this wasn't a terrible idea at all. I'm sorry, cut you up. That was it. He's just like,

it's fine, whatever, but so, yeah, I paid him a couple times. See, that was the problem with the cable bills,

though, was it told you what you were ordering? Yeah. Just say, like, pay-per-view total for the month is $400. Sure. You bought a movie. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Or just bought a movie. Even adult movie. Let's just call it blanket adult movie, not like Brenda's whatever. I don't need my parents to open a cable bill, and it says fucking Bukaki Fest 28. Not on the Playboy channel. We're talking Busty Cops. That's where the Busty Cops patrols. No, well, yeah, but yeah, you had those harder channels.

I think that stars five, maybe. It was that pirate show and then just hardcore Bukaki videos. Jesus, HWs. All right, Eric, Cisca, keep us going here. Soviet cinema experiment. Oh, I like Soviet cinema. Darling, W.H.M. When Hunger Games was a franchise running in theaters,

I was living in one of the less good former Soviet states and therefore struggled to get a hold of good movies. Uh-oh. The internet was terrible, and I could never stream anything, and with no theaters around, I was reduced to watching kids' movies, and the one Sherlock season I had downloaded from iTunes.

This is the thing Americans or wherever's abroad. You got to prep for this shit. You got to bring, like, a big CD case full of DVDs. Right, but I don't know if that, but maybe they're from there, right? Yeah, you're born there. You're kind of fucked. I was born in it.

You think the former Soviet bloc is your ally. I was just making some sort of assumption that it was like they were there on like a fucking teach English thing or something. You might be. But you know what? We have a beautiful and diverse and expansive listener base. That's very true. We are downloaded all over this globe and in certain planets that we're not. I've said too much.

And also if you have the P-tape, let us know. It's just all I'm saying. I know some of you out there have the fucking p-tape. I just got to. I want to see those sheets get ruined. Send it to our Gmail. But don't, I mean, make sure Barron is not able to see it. That'd be terrible.

Oh, yeah. Fuck that little turd. Oh, all right, here we go. Obviously, it was miserable. And so when the first movie theater of the country opened, my friend and I were ecstatic. Nice. Christmas time, they were playing the first mocking jay movie and we decided to go we got tickets in a cd booth by gesturing and speaking broken russian

see okay you're right well you're right when we got in the whole place was dark and empty and we were a bit apprehensive since we were probably the only people there the movie started and when it when it did we became to the realization the whole thing had been dubbed into russian neither me or my friend knew the language but we had already bought our tickets uh and so So we were desperate to see something new, and we decided to stay. After struggling through the first half of the film, the screen suddenly went black and everything shut down. This is good.

The movie is over. I'm sorry. The end. Movie over. The end, she live. Okay, goodbye. You know, instead, a movie has a problem. Do not talk very good about government.

Now you watch clips of jaywalking. Okay? You want clips of jaywalking until you leave. No, you stay in seat until movie over, until jaywalking clip over. So are you guys from around here? You've got a great J. Ledo, by the way, Ben. Oh, you're putting them on the spot like this with impressions. Oh, come on.

Come on. You've done it before. So it's jaywalking, all right? You want to be a star, don't you? Hey, you guys, hear about this? go over to Russia I'm not lying I'm not lying

I mean put me in a spot I don't know I was cut out of Jaywalking once Oh that's right You didn't make for good TV You're a stupid American

I you know He because he asked you questions And I got them all right Except for one And I apologize to the man afterwards. By the way, really nice guy. One of the nicest fellas you've ever met.

That's right. Denim shirt and no denim shirt. Oh, baby, was the denim out tonight. Wasn't that day that ended in why Steve say that? Come on. Canadian tuxedo. Anybody watching any of that Jay's garage or what? Come on.

What about your grandfather? No, he just died. Jay Leno died? No, Jay Leno's alive. My grandfather passed away. Your father's Jane. all right is that garage thing on a channel yeah cnbc of all places oh wow figure that shit out after 15 awkward minutes of sitting in the darkness we decided the movie

wasn't coming back 15 minutes the movie's not coming back you'll sit and see it for 15 minutes the movie has been taken that's another 20,000 rouble finish your white fish and potato then you leave. And we got up to leave. You finish your bucket of borsh. We walk. With your hands. They have spoons.

No, this is movie theater. You eat borsh with hands. Like it's popcorn. You hear of popcorn shrimpis borsh. It's a popped boresh. Guys, I am getting so hungry. I am getting pretty hungry too. We walked in the dark to my

and we got there we heard the whole city had a massive brownout i guess since they turned on that film projector oh no we lost nuclear weapon because film projector went on oh we spent the rest of the evening freezing huddled around a small gas heater watching monsters incorporated any fail any other failed theater stories love the show christina i don't think we can top that and if you you're listening from a former Soviet Republic, we apologize for the impressions on this show, but yes, Jay Leno is a real thing.

Yeah, I mean, I've got a thousand of them. I worked six years in a fucking terrible multiplex. I'll tell you the most terrifying one, though. I don't know if I've told this on the air before, but it's appropriate to this and new listeners may not have heard this. So it was New Year's Eve.

Nude Year's Eve? Nude Year's Eve, exactly right. And it was, whatever year it was that castaway came out. Like 2001 maybe or something like that. I've got a castaway story for action. So I'm walking into work and this

dude who also worked there is like on his way out like we're like you know, evening and Sam morning Ralph, whatever. And he just looks at me and goes good luck and keeps walking and I was like, oh what could that possibly mean? And cut

to what had happened was it was like the opening-ish weekend of Castaway or maybe like the second weekend or something. Oh, what a time to be alive. Oh, yeah, dude. And it's New Year's Eve and it was like the like 4 o'clock show or something like that and the film broke. Like the print crashed and they could not

it was like it was a bad one. Some of them like I could get it fixed in like 10 minutes. You get it back up. It's fine. This was like a old boy. What are you talking Scotch tape? No, like they have like projectionist tape. You know, it's kind of like scotch tape. little stronger. Wilson's full on melted. And so

they're like, they can't get this fucking thing fixed. And it was we're going to have to cancel the whole show. This is a sold out. It's the largest theater we had, which is like 300, 400,000 seats, something like that. Totally sold out. And it's all these people that are like,

we're going to go to this nice Tom Hanks Roberts Zemeckis movie and then we're going to go out to have a nice dinner and then go celebrate New Year's Eve. And the movie broke. I just imagine all these all these kind of doughy, fat, middle-aged men in, like, half-zipped sweaters, like, getting wrestlers going, castaway, cast away. See, and that's the thing. There was a lot of those dudes, but because it was New Year's Eve and they all had other plans, they were all dressed

really nicely to go watch Castaway, and these people were pissed off because they'd been left in the theater for a really long time, so they start coming out, like, hey man, what's going on with this movie? What the fuck's going on? And, like, I can hear, like, as the profanity is amping up like these people are getting pissed and finally because like the manager was upstairs trying to deal with it like he was managing and doing the projecting and whatever and I'm like I just got here I don't know what's going on and they start going like where's the manager and I was like he's upstairs trying to fix it and this one dude he starts the whole thing he's like well I'm going to go up there and give him a peace of my mind so this dude tries to

come back there was like the concession stand like swinging saloon door you've got to respect to swing the saloon door. And then there was like a door like a regular door with a handle and you went up the stairs. This is why tasers were invented. Yeah. And so this dude starts coming to like get behind the concession stand and I went behind the door, slammed it

shut and he starts trying to push it and I put my, it was like a really small like totally square like three by three kind of stairwell space. And it was like you went to the right and the manager's office was there and you went to the left and the stairs went up to the boot. Did you install a bunch of home alone ask

Booby traps. No, I fucking slammed the door and put my back to it and put my foot up against the wall across from me and held this fucking door closed as this... Hold the door!

Hold the door! Dude, as this fucking army of zombies tried to break through this fucking concession stand door because cast white men are so like all these white arms. Dude, you better believe the fucking white walkers were out that day

my friend. Thanks. It was outrageous. Is that the end of it? That's how I mean yeah, it ended and it was basically like this manager had to come down and fucking eat shit in front of 400 people. The showing was canceled? Oh, it was it was a real mess up there.

Question, how far into it did that happen? That I don't remember but it was enough where they were invested. He was already cast away. Oh man, you know, it's almost like I was in the audience for this because I wouldn't saw a cast away and they like

where the sequence where the plane's going down like the FedEx plane product placement and like kind of bad product placement now that I think about it so packages never got where they needed to go the plane is going down the packages are flying around the cabin

the hanks is flying around the cabin and then like all these like the sound is amping up and like these lights are flashing in the theater and I'm like, this is a really good movie. Back when Robert Zemeck has made good movie. We're being evacuated because of a fire? Wait, is this in the movie or is this here?

Is this here? This is really here? I have to leave. So then I had to leave the movie. That's amazing. There was like a fire alarm went off and I guess there was some minor thing. I don't think anything got damaged or I don't know. I didn't give a fuck I left.

Have you ever seen the rest of Castaway? That's the thing is I was long enough in it. It's a long fucking movie that I was like, Do I want to see this again? Well, I have to know what happened. So I went and saw it again. I mean, it's worth it's, yeah. Yeah, but then at the end, he's at that two-way road.

And you're like, well, what the fuck did I even bother? When he's got, when he's, when he's, when he's all. Give me some finality, Samacus. When he's with that, when he's got that beard and he's looking at all the crab legs and shit, fuck that. To, to dovetail off both of those stories. And I'll make this quick. I'll make this as quick as I can.

Yes. But in college, for the Lord of the Rings movies. I saw one, midnight showing, a bunch of drunken buddies. Sure. I saw two, midnight showing, a bunch of drunken buddies.

You guys dressing up? No, no. You would make... We're smoking up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yep. That means he dressed up as an elf. In my mind, I was... Every character.

Oh, man, I'm told her that everybody's a bunch of hobbits. I'm tree beard, man. So the third one We're the same pattern We go through the entire movie And you remember how the third one is Where it's the whole movie And then just when you think it's the end

They re come up on that scene Where everyone's like at the crowning ceremony Or whatever You get jerked around six times They ended nonstop So as we're fading into Where it's like movie's over Oh no wait there's some more

Okay As we're fading into that scene, the movie decides to fade out permanently. Wow. Producers cut. Lights come up. We realize, like, we're not going to get to see the end of this movie. That's crazy.

The crowd is like, what? Like, we just spent the last, like, three years invested in this. And also, is this like a Thursday midnight or is it a Friday midnight? I believe this was a Friday midnight. I think this was before they started doing that. Oh, doing the Thursday, midnight. Yeah. And to that point, additionally rowdy.

Yeah, of course. Yeah. People are mad. And my friends and I, you know, right along with them, it's like, this is bullshit. So we're leaving. And, you know, so above this, this is a theater somewhere outside Boston. I'm incriminating myself here. But, you know, there's those giant posters that they'll put up.

It wasn't Coolidge Corner. This was like in Somerville or something. Oh, right. I really like the Coolidge Corner, dude. But there was this giant Lord of the Rings three poster above, like, as you're walking out the doors. And we're walking out and, like, we leave and we kind of, we're looking at this poster as we go and then we kind of back in. Uh-oh. You know, it was kind of caught our eye.

Yeah. And then I kind of gestured to one of my friends like, boost me up. Whoa. And I tickled your fancy. I grabbed the poster and they're kind of holding me up. And I just, I kind of, they let go of me. And it's not that big of a fall, but I came down with the entire poster. Oh, because they had that thing propped up on thumbtacks.

Yeah. Yeah. It just, it came right down. Uh-huh. So we're, I mean, this is, we're unruly, like, you know. Teenagerie. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ripping the poster down, we book it out of there.

No, no one is following us because, I mean, it's a shit show to begin. with. You've been watching that movie at a midnight show it's four in the morning. That's right. It's four in the morning. You better believe

they had a full fucking preview reel on there. We're leaving this theater like, you know, the Gestapo is after us. But to the, in my apartment. Really?

I have this enormous poster. That's amazing. I've held on to it this entire time. Nice. I'm wondering, we hate movies listeners. Patreon exclusive

Do you want this? Hello, Ben, it's Peter Jackson. I'd like that back, please. Oh, my Lord. Hey, it's Bob Shea. I'm the lunatic that used to own New Line. Give me back my fucking poster, please. Oh, man.

Ben, call me back. Actually, can you edit this out? No, no, this is in. No, this is it. Yeah, maybe for Patreon we'll have your garbage. Who wants to Ben's garbage? For just $9 a month, you can participate in Ben Worcester's garage sale. All right, so here we go.

As to ass in high school. Hello, dear WHM Casters, several mailbags back. You joked about the idea of having to watch Requiem for a dream in a high school classroom setting. I'm here to tell you that exactly, that is exactly how I saw it the first time. I graduated high school in the early 2000s. Senior year, if you weren't taking AP English, that's Advanced Placement English for listeners whose states don't have that.

You could choose more genre-specific English classes. Such as ass-to-ass. That's what I did in senior year English. I took film criticism. I took Jennifer Connolly movies. I'm just watching fucking her and Muppets all over the place. I took, I didn't take it out for air. I aced the Rocketeer.

Well, Ben, you finished the Rocketeer. Here's your A. Wrote my final paper on Dark Water. And I chose one based on modern horror. The teacher of this class was probably late 20s or early 30s at the time. Son of a bitch bastard. Instead of wearing a blazer in tie like most male teachers at the school, he wore a hoodie every day to class.

What a fucking... Son of a bitch bastard. Totally. Wow. Cool. Dude. Yeah, pretty cool, man. Pretty fucking cool. Add on to the fact that this was an expensive private school built in the early 1900s, and he looked severely out of place. Why, were the rest of you dressed like it was the early 1900s?

We've been here forever. We're all dressed like it's Crimson Peak. Here at Crimson Prep, we have a very certain way of doing things on this snowy mountain. This particular teacher decided to come into class the first day and announced to a room of only 15 students that he wouldn't bother learning our names and we'd better get used to it. Oh, whatever, dude. That's awesome. That's how I would teach, right?

Why wouldn't you teach like that? Yeah, whatever. You... I just, I admit up front to the fat one in the back. Yeah. You can't say the fat one. No, you say the big one. That's what they called me, man. I don't think you call them the blank anything.

What? Gotcha. But I do say to my students that, the start of every semester that I'm fucking terrible with names, and it's no offense to you. Uh-huh. Real nice. That buys me a couple weeks.

Are you wearing a hoodie when you say it? Probably. No, I'm dressed like a fucking professional. This guy sounds like a real douchebag. I'm sure he practiced that line before he came in. Anyway, the curriculum involved reading and watching Fight Club, reading and watching Laleita, watching Jeff Goldblum's The Fly. There we go.

And watching, of course, Requiem for a Dream. Those are the four coolest movies. of the early 2000, including the fly. This was on these guys' Facebook profile under favorite movies. Totally. And I bet you anything, it was the fucking Jeremy Irons' Lolita remake. I'd never heard of it before. That's Rec Room for a Dream.

So I had no idea what we were getting into. We watched the entire thing uncensored in class. Yikes. And here's the part where I tell you that this is an all-girls school. Hello. So if it was Jeremy Irons' Lolita, you got to see Franklin Jella's dick ding dong fucking flapping around in that movie but you do see to her point

ass to ass in Requiem for a dream you have like the Jennifer Conley bathing scene like there's a lot going on in that movie yeah man yeah it's mostly female nudity though also and fight club you got ding don'tongs oh yeah fight fight club well briefly aren't those digital ding don'tongs though

I mean I don't think it matters if you're in all girls school man I guess you're like no excuse me headmaster hold on a digital ding dong hold on Are we four for four on ding-dongs? I feel like there's a ding-dong in the fly, right? Don't you see Fly Ding-Dong?

Dobleum's dick in that movie? Is it a Cronenberg? I think you see a fly's dick. But also, if it's the Kubrick-Lolita, you're not seeing... You're not seeing Inspector Glouzzo's dick in that movie. That's a Peter Sellers. Playing quilting.

Man, thank you for specifying that, because I almost forgot because I was like, James Mason. That makes it way more sense. Keep it together, old boy. We're almost done with this. No. My ding-dong.

Look out for my big dick. And call it the humbear, hum bears, humbear. No Peters in this movie. Look out, sellers. It's my cock. That's awful. What would they be doing? I don't know.

Dude, on-set pranks. Dude, they had a time, man. Did they have a time? Hey, Sellers wanted donut. Uh-oh, it's my cock. So this too cool for school male teacher ended up showing a room of 17-year-old girls in plaid skirts, the very graphic famous ass-to-ass scene.

If you're wondering, if he asked parental permission, he did not, and I'm probably guessing he did not inform the school what movie we would be watching. And we've heard stories about having to get permission slips to watch Saving Private Ryan. You know what I mean?

Like that's a very different movie. If this is a class that's based off of this shit, you have to present a curriculum. Eh, you never know. Man, this guy just fucking slipped it under the radar, I guess. He's a rebel. But it's also, it's one of these crazy people's schools

like, you know, like specific rule. You know, they let anything go. Just garbage. Because it's like a private school so you could do whatever the fuck you want to these kids. Whatever the fuck you want to go. Private schools that you don't have, you don't even need a master's degree for most of the part. No, you could be a monster off the street.

You don't even do a teacher. You went through those, right? I did. Twelve years of Catholic, my friend. Wasn't like a science teacher of yours, the former drummer of H-2O? He was. He was. My religion teacher was the former drummer of H-2-O.

And my art teacher was a current sex extortionist from different students. There you go. Were you insulted and didn't choose you? Yeah, a little bit. so I did of course what any normal teen would do after seeing this I went out and bought the DVD and soundtrack and showed three of my friends who weren't in the class and my brother all separate viewings suffice to say I was not perhaps the right age to digest the horrors of this movie properly to this day I do not find it as upsetting as most people because of how used to it I got and I have to say that I think I've seen it at least seven times oh yeah that's a teenage thing though and like you would show people movies Oh, I just found this really cool movie. I got to sit down with everybody and watch it with them. Yeah, that's a big time.

And it's like, oh, man, this is so extreme. I don't know if you're ready for that. Blow your mind, man. I did that in high school. It was actually this movie. I saw this in theaters with Chris Cabin. You want your life to change? Yeah, dude.

It was this. Donnie Darko, dude, definitely. Saw that in theaters. Immediately got that on DVD when it came out. I made my mother watch Boondock Saints. Like, Mom, get ready for it. You're not even ready for it. It's such a cool movie.

Dude, I took my bow. Both of my parents, my parents, to see Royal Tenenbaum's. Yeah. That didn't go over well. To quote my mother, that was supposed to be funny. I'm like, yeah, okay. I didn't care for Gene Hackman in this movie. Uh, hib-de-bib-da-bib-di-bib-de.

There we go. By far, the worst thing I felt I witnessed in this teacher's class was not recommending for a dream, but in fact, the deleted scene monkey cat from the fly that he played for us while laughing hysterically that can never be unseen. This guy's a monster. Yeah, no, yeah, this hoodie wearing monster. I'm terrified he might listen to your podcast

and recognize himself, but there we go. Thanks for the great podcast, guys. I love listening to you at work and you always make me laugh on my desk, sign Carrie. By the way, that's an alias. So if this sounds like you in your head and you're like, well, I didn't have a student named Carrie. No, it's you, dude. Yeah, definitely. It's totally you,

you fucking weirdo. The only way to make up for your cinema sins. is to donate to the Patreon Patreon.com slash we ate movies. But this is a weird dude man. You shouldn't be like showing this to a bunch of 17 year old girls. And I'm not saying I've watched

every single episode of Law and Order SVU. But I have. But I'm kind of putting some pieces together here. Dude wearing a hoodie. Not bothering to remember names. Pretty cool dude. Showing you salacious shit. I know what's

fucking going on here, you pervert. Mr. Johnson or whatever your name is. That is a perverse name. Oh, bad example. You don't want to be Mr. Anderson. Mr. Cool guy. Yeah, we see. Who are you being cool for, Mr. Anderson?

Yeah. To what end? Yeah. I'm the least cool teacher you'll find, man. And that's the way it has to be. That's the way it has to be. All right, Steve Seda, close us out for the evening. Okay.

What does your dad do? Oh, he's a cop. Hey, gang. I've been sitting on this draft for a while, waiting for the right episode, but it's about time I shared the entire WHM audience. I like this. People like this taking a leap.

Of course, bodily fluids are involved. Well, they almost have to be. Oh, no, it's my dick. Look out for my ding-dong, quilty. Here it comes. Hey, Stanley, here's my big swinging cock. Try to keep a controlled set now, you fucking weirdo. Oh, you want to play chess?

move the queen with my dick. My senior year of high school was a lot of fun for me. At one point, a friend of mine told me that she thought it'd be fun to give me a blow job, which I also thought would be fun. That's not a fake story to me. Yeah, that didn't happen.

Late one night in a Michigan January, I pick her up me driving my 93 Mercury Tracer. Yikes. And we go to a local park's parking lot to make out. after a hand job well wait what did the

wait wait the menu said something never yeah I guess it wasn't it appeared less fun IRL you know what hand job I oh Jesus thanks for giving me this one

after a hand job I finish in her hand and she's like what do I do with this being the quick-witted teen I was I hand her a rag underneath the seat in my car for related mechanical emergencies that I handed her. Sure. Mechanical emergencies.

Hey, baby, here's my bait and cloth. Oh, yeah, I use this for mechanical emergencies. My car runs on white blood like Ian Holm and alien. That's why that rag looks like that. Oh, that's... I'm never going to see that scene again. in the same night. Yeah, it's just, dude, it's just cum pumping through his body.

His heart is pumping, come. And as we know from all these fucking Wayland-Utani prequels, man, that's fucking Guy Pearce's come. Like it. Oh, to be a teenager again. As I'm about to return the favor, oh. Right, like,

hand that rag over here. Wait, what? But good for him for returning that. Oh, no, yeah. That's the polite thing to do. I just don't like reading about people's sex lives. As I'm about her in the favor, bright lights appear behind us. It was the police checking out the fogged up car. Eep. We freezes the cops to make sure that she is of legal age. She was. She refused to get her ID because all she had on her was a hunter's license. Ben there slash no, I haven't. I'm only carrying the thing that allows me to shoot a gun at animals. Will this do as an ID police officer?

This is animal blood. This isn't a bunch of human semen. This is animal blood. We're hunting Ian Holm. I just shot a robot 500 yards away. Did you know these robots have common? blood. You're all under arrest.

We're going to go to the station and figure this out. I awkwardly drove her home and that was the end of our sexual experimentation. Fast forward about three weeks. I had met my future girlfriend and we had been flirting hard for a week or so. Being a pretentious teenager that I was, I asked her out to see the Paul Giamatti vehicle sideways. Chris Cabin did the same thing to me. Yeah, you got the second place. Happy ending?

I've had my mechanical rag in the car Hey Andrew you still got that mechanical rag Hey you want to see sideways Hey Andrew let's split this bottle of Pino Noir if you know what I mean

Well I'm not drinking any fucking Merlo It's got a hint of a nutty cheese And I'm not talking about the wine Your cabin sounds like Dennis Miller Babe he is indicted we watched the movie

enjoying the antics of people over twice our age grappling with sex wine infidelity depression aging you know stuff teens love to think about I briefly wondered if I fucked up as we saw a floppy old man dick

pressed up against the car window but she laughed so I figured it was okay was that MC Ganey's dance that movie I was trying to remember who's big floppy cock that was in that movie Yeah, dude.

Love it. Love M.C. I wish you. The only thing I would have made it better if it was James Mason. Oh, look at this, Paul Giamatti. My big floppy cock and your stupid wine comedy. He's like actively trying to take the movie. Dude, he's sabotaging it.

He wasn't even cast. And he'd been long dead. He just shows up. It's the ghost of my big floppy cock. It haunts Hollywood. Titanic, eh? What if it wasn't sunk by an iceberg, but my big dick? Speaking of Titanic, zip.

Stud. As I mentioned, my car is old and shitty. It wouldn't defrost my windshield very quickly or well. I had started cleaning the ice off my windshield with this rag that I had found underneath my seat. Uh-oh. It didn't work great, though. I noticed my window is getting what would best be described as foggy or dusty over the past few weeks. As I was driving home after the movie, I reached out to the windshield to brush my thumb across it, creating a clean spot where one wasn't before.

As my date mentions she's a cop, I realize... No, that her dad is a cop. As my date mentions that her dad is a cop, I realized I had been smearing my own semen across my windshield. somehow I kept my car on the road and long enough to drive her home and wish her a good night later I would go on to lose my virginity to her

what is this fucking stand by me I need the goddamn post script who went to Vietnam and died and break up with her three times over the course of my freshman year in college she is now happily married to someone else and I just had

and just had her first kid so good for her her name is Virginia 472 or at least that's what it was the last time before she set her Facebook to private thanks for all the laughs though you don't know it you guys have helped me through some of the roughest parts of my life by keeping humor and spirits up and I'm a proud patron supporter whoa whoa okay so thank you and now I believe your story best wishes to you all and keep up the good

work sincerely Matt. There it is. Best wishes to you, Matt. I hope you realize that there's better ways to clean your windshield. Anybody got any comrag stories? Ben Worcester, the cum spurt. Come expert.

Pardon? Well, I had this huge poster from Lord of the Pink. For mechanical issues, right? Again, if anyone want, oh, now it's getting listeners. It's getting more and more valuable by

The second, want to own a part of me. Oh, boy. Wow, that is priceless, gang. You're going to want to sign up for this page. Yeah. Up for sale. That's W.H.M. Mailbag for the months of June. If you want more, we hate movies, check out Wichmpodcast.com.

And also find Ben Wister, of course, unhooked on T.J. Hooker podcast. Yes. That's the idea. Right alongside this old luck here. Yeah, yeah. Ben and I do a little side show where we recap a television show named T.J. Hooker, hooked on T.J. Hooker. And it's T.J. Hooker Podcast.com. There it is. So until next month, I'm Andrew Jupin.

Steven Zedek. Eric Siska. Ben Worcester. Take it easy. podcast.