We Hate Movies - S7: WHM Mail Bag - Dating Transformers Fanatics, Bad Hangover Films, and Ruining Your Parents' Social Status by Listening to WHM

Episode Date: July 23, 2017

On the final WHM Mail Bag of the season, the gang reads some letters about dating obnoxious Transformers fans, using the wrong film for a Hangover Movie, fathers mistakenly thinking their kids are perverts at the movies, getting grounded for listening to WHM, and weirdos pleasuring themselves in South Carolina second-run theaters! PLUS: Edward Snowden fights the good fight against obscene video store late fees! The Mail Bag is taking the rest of the summer off, so for September, we want to read your school-related letters on the air! Bad film-themed college parties? Common room movie nights gone wrong? Lazy teachers showing you Fern Gully? We want to hear about it! Write into the Mail Bag: [e-mail]! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Christopher Cabin and Eric Siska. We're here to read your letters. Oh, did you say Stephen Sadek? Yeah, I did. He was the second one. Hey, Steve. Did you say it first next time?

Oh, holy talk. Like before me? Yeah. Top billing? I would like, introduce yourself as Steve. Oh, I see. My name is Stephen Seda. And I'm king of podcasting.

We're talking about Hawkman? this week on the mailbag we're talking hawkman oh man fucking four five hawkman letters send us your hawkman letters and we all are in movies at gmail.com any hawkman stories you might have or maybe just like write it down on a real piece of paper

and throw it down a sewer or if you have to get to us eventually we all float down here Eric Dustin Hoffman stories as well oh yeah yeah just Hawkman Hoffman's look back to Hawkman and Hoffman dude Dustin Hawkman

pretty great. You know what, Felipe, I know you're listening. Make that happen. I've never called you at Zoom. If they did the Watchman in like 1985 and they got Dustin Hoffman to play. Nighthawk? Yeah. Or Night owl.

Night owl, yeah. So we're here for the final time this season to read your letters before we go on break. So let's get right into it. Let's start with Chris Cabin. Sure.

You just cut me right out, huh? Yeah, that's right. You want to go first? guess what motherfucker dead last more than meets the eye nudge oh oh hey guys love the show

etc thank you for yeah just emailing you to let you know that I am that guy from one of your passing jokes in your Transformers episode

I went to see the first Transformers in the cinema with my dad both enjoyed it but I think everything that follows is pure trash

with age of extinction being the absolute worst movie i have ever seen i feel like this bot guy probably didn't like the last one the new one we did yeah i didn't check to see when this email came through yeah maybe it hadn't come out yet a real leboofman um anyway let's continue oh wow sorry sorry to hold you up we're waiting anyway when we were sitting watching the movie the scene came up where shah leboobo

says Megan Fox is more than meets the eye. Oh, right. I remember that classic line. It's a great one. This is exactly the point where I nudge my dad in the side to say it's a reference to the cartoon. Oh, man. Nudging! Oh, man. Dad, dad, they shit that into cartoon.

You know what? If you're ever lucky enough to see a movie with me, gentle listener, don't nudge me. No. Yeah. Yeah. Cartoons. Oh, my goodness. that's gross he didn't get it though and just

just turn to me slowly and replied with you dirty bastards of course he thought it was going to be a boner jam right yeah you're nudging your old man and when the sexy ladies on the screen the cartoons and the guy just said like he didn't say cartoons that was maybe the no your dad wouldn't even understood it if you said you're not your dad when there's when there's a sexy lady on the screen and say the cartoons

he's going to, you know, not know what you're talking about. This is just can you imagine you say something to your father and the response is basically you fucking pervert. Get the fuck out of you fucking pervert. You dirty. In thinking I meant something much more sexual than referential.

Yeah. He then ignored me for the rest of the movie. Which is fine. You're at the movies. Yeah. You should ignore everybody at the movies. Yeah. He also loves the rest of the Transformer series. So I really don't know what to make of him sometimes. Kevin.

You know what, Kevin from Dublin? He's your father and he loves you. It doesn't matter that he loves Transformer movies. Anybody ever be the subject of a nudging? Oh, no. Tell me more. No, I haven't. I'm just curious. Oh, like you're watching something and someone nudges you to like get the thing. Well,

I never got a nudge. I have gotten the, eh? What does that mean? Like, just like guys behind me at, I I think it was Force Awakens. Uh-huh. And like some reference to some other character and just like this choir of, hey? All right.

Don't hear it. You know what happened to me when I saw Force Awakens, Chris Kavana? I didn't have any of that. I saw it in an Alamo draft house, not the Brooklyn one. It was not open yet. It was another Alamo draft house in Yonkers. And I was sitting next to this dude who was king of the draft house slash king of the internet because this dude he was king of the draft house because he was fucking complaining constantly

about the pizzas that he was ordering pizzas plural uh-huh and then when the movie's over with he literally said to his girlfriend like we got to get going i have to get to my computer and complain about this movie oh my god are you shitting me i am not shitting you i'm not shitting you know i can't remember what happened when i saw the force awakens because it was a religious experience and i saw it like six times in the theater uh that's awesome I'm not good at receiving whispers. I have bad hearing. And that happens to be sometimes.

People will be like, Yeah. Hey, man, oh, we're watching a movie. Then this. And then, like, I'll just, like, instinctively fake laugh. Like, oh, cool. I will say, I have.

I just ran out. I got pancreatic cancer. Oh, that's fucking hilarious. Hey, Steve, I know we're watching Shiddler's list, but I just want to tell you this. I think you just start laughing. Actually, wait. I think you pulled. that on me during collateral beauty.

I'm probably sure that I did. Certain whispers, I just cannot pick a... I have been nudged by Stephen Sadek. Oh, no. For the fish, the David Lynch nightmare woman. Well, that was, yeah, that's a different nudge. If someone in your row was doing something, like eating fish, like a candy bar, you got to be like, yo, dude.

What movie was that again? That was the secret window. Oh, my Lord. See previous episode's Secret Window. You stole my fish snack. All right, Eric, Cisco. My date to go see Transformers' Age of Extinction. I think there's a lot of Transformers-related material on this mailbag

because obviously we just did all those episodes. Sure. Dearest W.HM, I have absolutely loved the June Transformers'athons so far. Thank you so much. Take that naysayers. Oh, no, now I'll get to the letter. I also assumed you were joking when you said the last night in Voltaxon. King Arthur, but nope, the Tribune

has confirmed it. I'm half tempted to go see it just to prepare for your episode. That said, I once went on a date with a guy who loved these movies. I love these movies. This is what cinema is all about. Welcome back

to We Love Movies. I'm joined here with my crew of movie haters, I mean movie lovers. This is Steve Bannon. There's Steve Bannon. And we're also, we got Stephen Miller. And my favorite, Sean Spicer.

Door slam, because I left. These Transformers movies are incredible. Go see every one of them, number three, especially because it mentions Trump Tower. And there's a mechanical worm in it. Yes, Steve, we, Steve Bannon, not Steve Miller, shut up. Yes, you are in the movie. there's a little Mexican girl in the new movie We should not love that one so much

It's me Stephen Miller, a noted racist I look like if Voldemort was a real person If you got stuck between dimensions And almost got flesh but didn't That is a terrific note, Mr. Miller Now, what we need is to build a wall of Decepticons Covered in Confederate flags Look, I know he just said Confederate flags, but he didn't mean Confederate flags.

He just meant fucking flags. I hate my job. Kill me. You're nice. That's how every episode had. All three of them don't know who he's talking to. Oh, me? Him?

Huh? Huh? All right. Oh, wait, this letter. Yeah. I'm sorry about that. Okay. So that said, I once went on.

to date with a guy who loved these movies and especially loved talking about them. I joined an online dating site after college and started chatting with this guy. Steve What, what, what, what, wow. No, no, no. No.

She was a three. Yeah, that one. Oh, yeah, it was Steve Bannon. He seemed to be right up my alley. Funny, smart, dirty. His avatar was a blue star of David inside a red circle with a line

through it. Oh, man. Seems like a fun, smart, nerdy guy. Yeah, yeah. The country is over. It's done. It's a wasteland. Welcome to new Unicron. And he seemed to have his head on straight. We grabbed lunch together for our first date.

I like lunch. And it went so well. we decided to meet again that we can go see a movie. Nice. I let him decide and oh boy was he really quick to pick the movie Transformers Age of Extinction.

Not a date movie. No. Not a movie. Especially like a second date movie like no date movie is two hours in fucking 45 minutes. And has Mark Wahlberg in it. Well maybe it's like

look at that dude versus what I'm sitting next to maybe I'm doing all right. Right. I mean go see fear. Go find a road. Repertory theater showing fear. Oh, find me that. He's in that, right?

He is definitely in that movie. I got to watch that again. That's fun. I'll mention right now that I remember almost nothing about the movie's plot, neither do I. It's like a fever dream now. I remember the dinosaurs robots,

robot dinosaurs. I remember Stanley Tucci as a jerk businessman who maybe redeems himself. Confirmed, he redeems. I don't remember that either. He redeems. And I remember T.J. Miller being violently roasted alive on screen. Also happens.

And the infamous Romeo and Juliet Law scene, which grossed me out majorly. Oh, is she going to go on to say that this dude was turned on by it and told her about this one time he had one of those? He had it in the popcorn, dude. This is so great. Hey, just doing anything for you. We're not going to get out of this until one. man that's fucking true i also remember distinct i also remember distinctly thinking thank god the movie is almost over when marky mark is on a spaceship shooting robot dogs uh and then sitting

there for more for for for 40 more minutes at least 40 more minutes at that point in the movie i don't even remember any of this shit oh it's horse shit anyway the movie ends and i'm thinking i know Steve pretty well. I started making jokes. Just ripping into the movie, the acting, the plot, all while thinking he was going to find me witty and charming. I ended up, I ended my rant with

saying, we should have just flushed our money down the toilet and that would have been more entertaining. He was silence and my stomach dropped. I knew at this point that in our relationship, such as it was, it was over.

I really liked it. that's probably the best one so far and they're all really good so far you really you really hurt my feelings get over it and i think you you better leave i was going to say aren't they in the parking lot at this point i tried to awkwardly make things right but he told me to just go home what god because he needed to think hate jerk off he blocked my phone number and he blocked me on the dating site too what no never spoke to him again. Steve, if you're out there, I hope you enjoy the new Transformers movie. That's what

I like using a global platform to get at this fucking loser. All the best, Bonita. Yeah, that's something, you know? This guy... You know what, Boner? Shut up, Boner. Shut up, Boner. Shut up. My brain says, no. My brain loves transfers.

Even if you even love a movie, who cares if someone kicks it around a little bit? I can't even imagine the place, like the god father. Oh, well, if you don't like the godfather, I can't fuck you. Like, who, who cares? I, a healthy relationship, you're making fun of each other for things that you like. That's how that works. Absolutely. Absolutely. That's how that works. Oh, Steve, he's dead and alone. Or alone and dead. No, I'm not optimist.

Welcome home. Jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk. I've got an optimist sex pillow are fucking. Oh my god. I bet that guy's got like cardboard cutouts. Oh yeah. I just thought he had like a bunch of U-Haul boxes in different shapes. Oh, definitely. Oh, he's making them transform. I love you bumblebee. A little wet kiss you bumblebee. Do you think he was jealous of that little kid in the internet video that had the little Optimus prime Halloween costume? Yes. Oh yeah. He hates that fucking kid that fucking spoiled little brat with his fucking great Halloween costume. I wish he was fucking dead. I think you better leave. I actually, you know

to be fair, I do always kind of wish I've ever said, I think you better leave. I really always kind of... I've just never had the guts. It's a crazy fucking thing to say. It's a nuts thing to say to somebody. It's a bold thing to say. I yelled at a dude on the quiet car on the train

today though. Oh, really? Tell me about this. So this dude, so the quiet car is like when you're commuting, they have like the front two cars of the quiet car. You can't be on your phone. you can't talk loudly, blah, blah, so people on the train, like the commuting train, take that shit seriously. I love the fucking quiet car. It's amazing. And you will get people that will fucking just yell, quiet car! Like, they will just go off, right? So today, this dude, he's fucking doing it. And it's like the middle of the afternoon. And so that's when, like, it's non-commuters. You know, this dude's just like joyriding. Oh, sometimes you get these bumble fucks. Yeah, these weekend warriors and whatnot. And this dude, this dude's on the fucking phone. This dude is on the fucking phone. This dude is on. fucking phone.

Show some respect. He's on the fucking phone, dude, and he's talking really loudly. And everybody's yelling quiet car. Everybody's yelling quiet car. And he, like, gets up and walks over to, like, the door and thinks that that's making it better. And it's not making it better.

It's making it worse because he's closer to me. So finally, I got up. And I never do this. I never get up. I never do anything. You pulled out your Glock. I get up and I walk over. And the dude, this was pissing me off even worse.

He's literally sitting right. under a sign that says quiet car. I get up and I just, I get right. Do you tap the sign? No, I pointed to it. I stuck my arm in the air and I pointed to it and I just went, you are killing me, sir. You're killing all of us.

And he looked and was like, huh? And he got up and left the car. I was the hero of the quiet car. Did you get a slow clap? Nah, come on. But everybody knew I did the right thing. It's a quiet car. You can't clap.

Maybe you got some nods. You start hushing the crap. I'm cheering you on. Hey, stop that. Do you see what I just did that guy? You want that? You're all next. But no, I mean, I think you better leave as like you're in a tense situation.

Sure. You grab someone, pull someone aside and be like, you know what, Buster? I think you better leave. Yeah. I wish. Oh, man. What power that is? One day to wield that.

Mm-hmm. I want to invite you to dinner just to do that. Just immediately kick me out. I think you better leave. Oh, he did it. Did you just add salt to my spaghetti? Oh, ew. You better leave.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. You serve spaghetti. You put down a plate in front of everyone. And then you lean over and put salt on someone else's spaghetti. I'm trying to figure out the scenario you're talking about. No, he gets a plate of spaghetti. He puts it salt on himself. Like, I made spaghetti.

You put salt on my spaghetti that I made for you is what we're saying. Okay. Either way, it's rotten. Anyway. Rotten behavior. Sounds disgusting. All right. Here we go.

Oh, I like this. We Hate Movies ruined my life. Ours too. Hey, guys. First, I want to thank you guys for all the laughs of all the podcasts I've listened to. Yours is the best hands down. Well, obviously. And thank you.

Thank you. Do you support the Patreon? Patreon.com slash we hate movies. We hate movies. We'd greatly appreciate you supporting the show. I wanted to tell you guys about how. your podcast gave me the longest and most severe grounding I've ever received. Grounding?

Yeah. You know, some of our fans skew younger. PG-13? I come from a very religious family. Uh-oh, so profanity and explicit content or forbidden, uh-oh, again. So I have to listen to your podcast with headphones on or when I'm alone. Good move. One night we had a dinner party with a few other families from our church and their children.

All of their children were much younger than me. ages 3 to 11, so I guess this person's 12. I don't know. So instead of playing with them, I decided to go upstairs and play some video games while listening to your podcast, one of my favorite pastimes. I'm playing, and the next thing I know, I got a sharp slap on the back of my neck from my mother. Oh, a neck slap. Oh, Lucifer himself.

Neck slaps. That's insane. That's an unchristian thing to do is neck slapping. A stinger, you call that. Yeah, dude. Get slapped with that stinger. fuck. Turns out my phone had connected

to the mobile speaker in our living room and had begun blaring your profanity-infused rant to the whole house. I think you guys were talking about I think you guys are talking about Batman v. Superman. My parents were furious

and all of the guests excused themselves from our home never to return. After an hour of yelling, my parents decided that because I had been listening, to quote, earthly garbage. We are, by the way, we're now, I know right now we're in the

TV movie section of iTunes. I will soon be moving to earthly garbage. This is a perfect time to announce that. I thought it was unearthly garbage. Well, shit, I don't know. I think that's a hard category. Yeah. I didn't need a phone or to hang

out with friends for two months, they said. Thanks, guys. But seriously, I love your podcast. keep of the good work. Ben from Tejas. Wow. Grounded. Grounded. Next slap it. Imagine that that we have affected change in this

world for the good that this poor family had to endure minutes of this podcast. I just, I want that scene set. Like, I want that film. Like, they're all sitting around talking about, I don't know,

whatever. Jesus. Well, mostly Jesus, I'd wager. Palms. Jesus Whistling Palms Christ. And the calendar, of course. The calendar, obviously. Yeah, they're talking about all of that. They're talking about, you know, maybe it's a bunch, no, but here's the other thing, the church

people love doing. They love gossiping. So they're trashing other families? Right, right. Like how dare Lorraine and Dave, they got divorced. Can you believe that? See that little tart he's with these days? Yeah, exactly. A little tart. All of that shit. I feel the people use the word tart a lot.

Tart, totally. That hellbound sinner. Oh, yeah, dude. And then all of a sudden, like, their fucking Kenny G. CD turns off. And what turns on is blasphemous four guys from New York City talking about a bad comic book movie. Steve talking about piss.

Yeah. Piss and shit and got us. Granny's peach tea and doing really terrible Holly Hunter impersonations. Why don't you look at Jesus whistling hands Christ? and say, you know what, I'm going to follow this example. I'm going to turn the other cheek, not slap necks. Walking around slapping necks. What are you doing, you fucking ape?

I choose to turn the other cheek, not abuse my child. Now, I'm sure your parents are fine. Yeah, yeah. Everyone gets a neck slap here and there. I'm sure Bev and Marty are great. But the diamond probably left a mark. Yes. You know what?

It always does. Yeah, we've been all beaten. within an inch of our life. Yeah, sure. That's why we grew up at a different time. Different time. Different time in 1991. Yeah.

Back then, you could box your children. You know, and the light at Universal Studios is long and this kid is being annoying. Well, I guess what I'm trying to say, Ben, is, you know, you'll be 18 soon enough. And then you can enlist.

Jesus. Anything do more than that if you'd like. Although there's nothing wrong in enlisting. Yes. Thank you for your services You can do anything that gets out of that fucking neck slapping we hate movies hate and household I'll tell you that much. All I'm saying is anything to escape

Texas. Yes. There you go. Go to that Austin Oasis I keep hearing so much about. Austin, possibly we hate movies lands 2018. I like this idea. Worst hangover movie. Yeah, let's keep it going. Hey guys, I've been listening to the show for a few years now and the discussions and around whether a film qualifies as a hangover movie brought to my to tale for my college days.

After high school, my main group of friends all ended up going to different colleges, and so one weekend, three of us went down to visit another one of our friends at school. Those were always like rough weekends. Big time rough weekends. You're just going to somebody else's college. You're meeting all their friends who you hate,

but you're just getting wasted with them. You don't want to befriend those friends, but you want to stay on their good side due to alcohol. And or a little tall glass of water. So you see who's doing what? What kind of gravity bong might be going on? Big time. You ever do it a gravity bong, man?

Oh, yeah, dude. That's a waste of time. That's just like, hey, ruin your night. It's going to take six seconds, and it looks like trash, and it's just going to ruin your night. Yep. It's sneaky like that. I had something going on Friday night, and I couldn't make it that night. So two of my friends, something's going on.

I like it. So two of my friends got to do than hang out with my two old friends. I want to know what that was. What was going on? I think he had a date. Maybe he was going on a date to see Age of Extinction. He's just like, I think you better leave. I have to see my friends in the morning.

One of the best films I've ever seen. And you should leave. Guys, we got to leave college and go see Age of Extinction again. I made the drive down on Saturday, arriving in the early afternoon. God, are you going to tell me the whole goddamn thing, huh? No. No. It was half past two.

He's setting the scene. You fucking jerks. I was wearing a t-shirt at the time. When I entered the dorm room, everyone was still in bed, recuperating from the previous night's revelries. They begged me to turn off the TV as none of them had been able to muster the energy to get up and do it themselves.

I've been there. When I saw the movie they've been watching, I was taken aback. It was Pink Floyd's the Wall. For the past hour and a half, the alcohol-stued brains had been subjected to depressing World War II era flashbacks. disturbingly violent animated sequences

and an eyebrowless Bob Geldof studying around like a Nazi I couldn't imagine anything less appealing to be watching while hungover that is really like while you're doing the gravity bar

yeah that's not an alcohol kind of movie that's the night up yeah that's not the morning after exactly you need some get yourself an Adam Sandler movie Or a super troopers, if you will. Oh, yeah, just mellow out.

Something to get really fucking stupid. When I asked why they had chosen the wall of all things, I got the full story on the previous night's activities. After a full night of carousing, they had, wow, wow. I've been carousing. We called it cruising back then. It was a different time. It was a different time.

You know, parents beat their kids and you went cruising at night. They had decided to render a movie and retire for the night. When they arrived, wow, what carousing. When they arrived at the local blockbuster, and I like this. However, they realized that none of them had a blockbuster card. To get a new one. Rather than attempt the card application process, which was lengthy and laborious. And, you know, it was crazy about it.

I thought, because of that fucking heinous experience I had getting a blockbuster card, that all, like, when I ruined your blockbuster credit for a little while. That was terrible. My dad had a real problem with that. But I thought all store cards were like the same way. You know what I mean? It was like this arduous, endless, just fucking sheets of paper. I had to take a quiz.

You know, I mean, it was outrageous eyewitnesses. By the way, I had a blockbuster card very briefly. Uh-huh. And I sweet talked my way not to doing the whole application. Really? So they just had my name. You fucked the clerk? It was definitely an option, but now.

But, you know, I just gave my name and my address and all that, and that's it. I never gave a credit card. I never gave a phone number. And then when I returned something supposedly late, and I believed it not to be late, and I refused to pay it. He just burned him? No, yeah, I burned him. He burned the whole store down.

To the point of which they reported me to creditors. What? And fucking tanked my credit. No. And I was like, fucking in high school or whatever the fuck. Oh, my, you know, like, it ruined my credit for college, yeah. So it was a, it was like a 10-year hurdle because I returned ghost world late. Wait, you just admitted it was late?

Yeah. They went after him, his parents, and his parents' friends. Cut to, like, the manager of the blockbuster. I want him dead. I want his family dead. I want his house. Brink to the ground. Yeah, it was Al Capone.

Al Blockbuster Capone. Just imagining the head of Blockbuster. We're going to get this Cisco character. There's like a bunch of people like, what you call, IG88 is there. Boba Fad. They're like, we're going to find him. Franklin Q. Blockbuster. What is America like more than Terry Swigoff movies?

You know, some little girl who is 13 years old wearing black shoes. came in here trying to rent Ghost World and Eric Siska ruined it for her. Now that girl might not go to art school. Confidential. Yeah, there we go. Where the hell are we?

Okay, so rather than do the lengthy application process in their inebriated state, they decided it would be easier simply to steal some movies. Well, they're not wrong, I guess. Two of them grabbed movies, one of which was the wall, stuffed it under their shirts, and they all strolled casually towards

the exit. Now, here's my question. This is great. fuck blockbuster i mean you know that they they they tag that shit right you know they're tag that shit they're tag in there they're gonna find you they're gonna track you they got the tape it's gonna run off they're gonna find jess edward snowed that's what it was about is this a creature living underneath the blockbuster yeah like whispering through the viz we all float down here yeah you get your blockbuster tapes they all float down they thought they thought that that dude died it turned out he was living in the basement of the blockbuster playing an or I returned crumb late, all right?

So now I'm damned to live under the blockbuster, all right? I'm telling you, I'm warning you, all right? I'm warning you, kids. Never even got to see Bad Santa. Never got to do it. It's funny. You mentioned Edward Snowden. That's why I'm in Russia right now.

Returned a copy of Louis Blewey too late. They fucking nailed me on it. I tried to expose the renting practices He was a blockbuster? Right, he was trying to fly to like Venezuela for shelter, when everybody kept getting burned. All these countries allied with Blockbuster to he was trapped in Russia.

I had to go to a country that Blockbuster never existed in the first place. Russia. Thank God Terry stopped making movies. I'd be in a real pickle. Soviet block. Buster. The clerks saw through their shenanigans and immediately called them to stop.

My friends decided to make a run for it. hauled us out of the store not stopping until they were safe and back at the dorm. By the time they got back, no one was in any state to stay up for a movie, so they all just ended up passing out. I do kind of understand, like, being messed up, being like, oh, man, it'd be cool to watch the wall.

Yeah, that's why it wasn't just like a grab the nearest DVD. Yeah, it was like, who's like, who's the fucking good one? But it's not even like, oh, yeah, man. Oh, man, these kids are going to be sorry. He said from the garbage vent. The Unterveldt under the... The fucking bowels of this blockbuster video.

Oh, my. The next... The all band of passing on, the next morning during the trip to the bathroom, one of them decided to sample their ill-gotten wares and put on the wall. So we only know about... They grabbed a couple of movies.

They got the wall. What else? I guarantee you whatever the other movie was was better. Sonny. I read ahead. It is. Oh. Oh.

The next morning during the trip... bathroom to the wall before crashing to the couch and crashing out again, and thus ended up suffering through it until I arrived. It turns out that the wall wasn't the only movie they had stolen. The other was none other than 1995's Fair Game, starring Cindy Crawford and William Baldwin. You had the answer right in front of you guys. That's your hangover movie. It's an inept action movie. You got your babe. There is some fucking hot sex in that movie. In a train car. Yep, it's, oh man, it is sexy. Excuse me, it's a quiet car.

Quiet car. Turn down those sex noises, please. Quiet car. But that's the greatest thing. You know, Billy Baldwin is a star. That guy never raises his voice. No, that's true. He's constantly whispering.

So that's exactly what you want. I've never seen it, but I have no doubt it was awful. But I'd have to guess it was better and it would have been a much better choice than for a hangover movie than the wall. Of course. Any suggestions from you guys for the worst hangover movie. I love the podcast.

Thanks for keeping it rolling And thanks for keeping it with good work Maybe look at the Patreon, buddy Best George from Baltimore George could be a Patreon Subscribering very well could be You should be George if you're listening Patreon.com slash we hate movies

Worst hangover movies I don't know Derek Jarman's Blue When did this happen? It just popped in my head Wow, what up. It just popped in there What an obscure fucking I mean that's amazing

But actually I think that would be a great hangover movie His dulcet tones. I mean, folks at home, look up what this movie is. I think it would be a thing that that's actually quite soothing when you have a hangover. You just ignore the circumstances around why he made the movie that way. You have to think, though, I think. Oh. Kind of, right?

Like, you have to kind of. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That'd be a bummer. I'll tell you what was a bad hangover movie. And it's kind of surprising, by the way, is The Rock. Oh, really?

That one's loud. I'm surprised. But Chris Cabin, it wasn't due to, like, explosions in what? whatnot. So cut to me. A hangover movie. Winners don't watch hangover movies. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen. Why don't you get off your ass, you fat fuck? Yeah, he wasn't that motivational. But it wasn't Connery's fault though. So this is what happened. Cut to me, this is like circa, let's say 2005. And I was like out all night just fucking drinking. We're talking like I got home at like six o'clock in the morning. It was a real bad one.

One of those, like, I took a cab because everybody was so drunk, and it was like a really long cab. It was terrible. It's one of those mornings you wake up, be like, do I still have my wallet? Okay. All right. Yeah. Exactly. Wow, I won last night. Yeah, exactly. I got home at like 6.6.30, something like that. I slept till like 4.30 in the afternoon. Real bad deal. Wake up feeling terrible. I got a haul ass to the multiplex in a couple hours. Work a long-ass shift. I believe there was some sort of blockbuster out at the time

that was incredibly long. So, of course, we're going to start these things at 11 o'clock. Why the fuck not? Fuck it. Revenge of the Sith. It might have been. So I'm like, all right, I just got to sit for a second before I get in the shower. Let's sit down. So, like, nobody was around. So, like, my dad's chair was

empty. You get that dad chair. And I was like, just like, you're getting right up there. Like, oh, yeah, just settle into this dad chair. Let's see what's on TV. I turned the television on. The first thing that's right there is rock and I'm like, fucking sweet. I love this movie. Let's just do it. For whatever reason, this particular hangover, and I don't recall what I was drinking, which is what has always pained me about this memory, because that could be an answer that someone could use later on,

right? Every time Nicholas Cage spoke in this movie, I started getting heinously nauseous. I'm not kidding you. And when he stopped talking, it would subside. But every time he spoke up again, I started getting heinously nauseous. Stanley Goodspeed. It was like... I'm a Beatlemania. I watched it to like maybe like the last half hour of the movie. It was a TV broadcast.

I thought it was a movie John Spencer hanging from that building that'll get you. No. Hey! You're going to rip my fucking arm on! No, that's one of my favorite parts of that movie. No, it was just for whatever reason the sound and I should have cross-checked it. I definitely had some Nicholas Cage movies on DVD, maybe toss in a raising Arizona, see if it was the same effect. So I

didn't see what the variables were in this situation, but every time that character spoke, I got heinously nauseous. And in the last, like, half hour of the movie, I fucking vomited horribly. Yeah, so that at that time was a bad hangover movie, but I would wager that the rock overall

is a good hangover movie. I would say any and all documentaries are just out. Oh, yeah. Documentaries are out. Because, like, your brain will start churning because, like, you're learning things. You don't want to learn a thing. That's a great point. Nothing. You want to watch like tremors. Exactly. You want to lose dollars.

Something that you would be bored with the night of partying, but the morning after it's like just enough to keep you going. It's like a baby shitting its pants. It's just enough to qualify as a life form. Yeah, that's my one hint is don't get your brain juices flowing at all. I'd say maybe like Stan Brackage's entire filmography is off the table. Probably good. All avant-garde cinema. I will say I didn't watch it, but one morning I woke But this is like my last roommate before I moved in with my wife. And at like, I'm not kidding you, 8 a.m. I'm hung over as shit.

I had just been out all fucking night. And this motherfucker decides this is the time for the first time he's going to watch Eraserhead. Oh, no. At 8 o'clock in the morning? At 8 o'clock in the morning. That is a sundown or bust film. That is literally a midnight movie.

Oh, that's correct. And, like, you can, and he has the thing cranked. So every time the alien baby, Oh, no. Oh, God. I was love. There's chilling sound design in that film, yeah. That might be the worst hangover movie, but it is also a great movie.

It is a great movie, yeah, absolutely. Any David Lynch project would be terrible for a hangover, I feel. Yeah, I mean, just do's and don'ts, man. Just definitely, you don't want to learn anything. Like, if something is, like, avant-garde, like you said, yeah, sound design's a problem. Yep. I mean, you just want to go, like, real easy piece. Grumpy old men, great hangover movie.

Oh, man, you're ice fishing with Walter Mathau. This is kind of nice. I'm helping you not feel like shit, Steve. Remember that time we went ice fishing? No, we didn't. All right, what we got? One more there. Last one.

All right, Chris Cabin, take us home. W.H.M. Mailbag. You've got the wrong theater, pal. Hey, gang, love your show so much. This is my first time writing into the mailbag. Nice. Come on in, the water's fine. Though you might know me as the girl on Twitter who is always asking you to watch Twilight. Well, not only, by the way, do we watch Twilight, we did a commentary on it.

We did indeed. Patreon.com slash We hate movies. And we're doing another one. Yeah, we're going to announce that, right? Right, yeah. We're going to do, what's the next one? New Moon. New Moon.

We're going to do that in the summer. Yeah, you know, that might be out during August or September. That's right. August or September. That's correct. Yeah. All right. Andrew recently tweeted about having watched Encino man for the 100th time,

and it reminded me... Great hangover movie. Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah, just... Son-in-law might be better as a hangover movie. Ooh. I would say most...

Other than in the Army now, I think they're all actually... What about an infographic about Polish movies? Oh, yeah, definitely. I got a great idea. Let's get super drunk and then watch both of them hung over and see which one makes us feel better. Sure. What the hell?

All right. Research. Would you like vodka with that? Sure. What the hell? And it reminded me that I've been meaning to write in with this bad movie experience for a while now. Nice. When I was about 14 back in the dark ages, that was ages of the early 90s, my parents decided we would have a movie night.

So we went to the only second run theater in Columbia, South Carolina at the time. We're the only second run theater in Columbia, South Carolina. Carolina at this time and we're only showing malice oh bad malice all right let's get going it's not that

my parents wanted to see basic instinct and so I was told that my younger brother and I would be seeing Encino Man at the same time because basic instinct was too adult yes it is

so off to Encino Man we went smart parents very much so my brother would have been around 12 at the time so we were at a good age to enjoy this movie. He's just starting to wheeze the juice.

He's just starting to wheeze the juice himself. Yeah. And he's talking and he doesn't understand anything he's saying. It's nonsense. He loves nonsense. The wheezer begins. How is there never a fucking cartoon where Pauly Shore was a kid? Oh, because everyone hated him

at that point. Like that was definitely in development. They're like, oh, no, no, everybody hates him. Life with Louis. Yeah. But just do a life with Louis with Paulie. He was a famous cartoon in the Goofy film. The goofy movie.

Goof Troop movie, yeah. All right. You adopted The Grindage. I was born in it. To be born in the grindage, by the way. Oof. We sat down and I'll admit I was enjoying the stupid thing when somewhere around the link becomes cool and popular montage.

My brother started elbowing. Jesus, with the nudging. The nudging. We're starting and ending on nudging. Me rather urgently. Instead of edging. He points a few seats down where a man in his 40s or so is open and vigorously, openly and vigorously jerking it. Oh, my God.

This is an honest to goodness sex crime. That's all, that is it. You are, if you, hopefully this guy went to jail for life. Well, maybe there's the, uh, the cave babe at the end. But you're in a room with children masturbating. That's true. You're just kind of done so from that point. Oh, my God.

Openly and vigorously jerking. And I mean, if you're that attracted to Sean Aston, I'm sure he would take you out on it. That's what I want to know what. That's what I'm kind of getting at. Was it just that you wanted to jerk off in public or was there something in the content of the film that changed the temperature of the day? Well, that's the thing. Did this guy go into the theater? and was like, fuck it, whatever, starting, you know, closest to the time that I'm at the

box office, and that's what I'm going to jerk off in, or was it, I'm watching Encino Man, I'm a fucking huge Sean Aston fan, and you're watching this movie, and something about Encino Man got you so fucking horny that you just had to start jerking off. See, he meant to go into malice, which is a much more sexier movie. I think the gist is he meant to go to the basic instinct. That's the funny thing is, yeah, you've got, like, I mean, like, it's a much more. It's a movie with sexy imagery right down the way where only adults will be, but you go to the

kiddie movie and start tugging it. It should do. Just jerking it to Wully Bully, man. No thanks. Wola, bully! Yeah, any kind of fucking 60s rock and roll. You cannot pleasure yourself to that. Or anyone else for that matter.

I got up to go tell someone, well, yeah, dragging my brother out with me, good on you. When someone else on R.O. looks over to see what all the fuss is about and yells, you've got the wrong theater, pal! Oh, yeah. What are you talking about? It's like me yelling at the quiet car guy.

That's pretty funny, but there's no right theater for that. I don't know. I mean, basic instinct was right there. Yeah, that would make sense. At the time, I was horrified, rightly so, and couldn't decide what was worse, this guy jerking it to Encino Man or that he actually had gotten the wrong theater

and decided, fuck it, I'm already here. Needless to say, the cops came, the man was arrested and being a shitty 14 year old, I made sure to look at both of my parents and say, too mature, huh? Fucking sick burn. The sickest of burns.

We grew up tonight. You know what, Mom and Dad? We wanted to watch a nice Sharon Stone performance and said you fucking had us cursed for life. An innocent Paul Verhoeven picture. Exactly. You could have saw a beaver on screen or that in person. A beaver.

Is that what they call it? Loaded weapon. Yeah, loaded weapon. Isn't that what they do like a basic instinct? Yeah, it's called beaver shot and it's like a little beaver smoking a cigarette. Cartoitous beaver shot.

You got my reference. That's exactly what I meant. We're the only people that are talking about loaded weapon on the internet right now. Whenever you're listening to this. Wait a second, wait a second. Oh, I thought I heard someone else on the internet talking about loaded weapon part one.

I'm smelling something in Reddit. Yeah, sad guy. 69 is typing a post. Thanks, WHM, for everything you do. You guys are a bright light in a dark world, and I'm so looking forward to seeing you at the Portland Live show. Hey. Oh, we probably met you.

Thank you for coming out. Bow in Portland. Awesome. We had a lot of fun in Portland. That was a fucking blast out there. I'm still high on our trip to Portland. It was really great until that guy in the third row of that fucking Silver Surfer show just started tugging it.

Yeah. And we all chanted and cheered for him. You know what? You got the wrong theater, pal. That was the thing. I had to snap out of it, dude, when I finally realized that guy had the wrong theater, pal. That's WHM Mailbag for the final time

in WHM's season seven. Until next season, I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadek. Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. Take it easy, pal. That was a hate gum podcast.