We Hate Movies - S7: WHM Mail Bag - Dying at the Movies, Public Freakouts, Cheeseburgers Down Your Pants, and Crotchety Dads

Episode Date: May 31, 2017

On this month's WHM Mail Bag, the gang reads off stories about angry dads ruining seating arrangements at screenings, a dude possibly having cheeseburgers shoved down his pants, a guy dying during "300", people freaking out after shrooming, the rough days of suffering through "Arli$$" waiting for "Taxi Cab Confessions" to come on, and more! If you want you weird stories read on the air, or have a question for the guys, write into the WHM Mail Bag: [e-mail]!Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a Headgum podcast. Welcome to WHM Mailbag, loyal listeners. This is the show where, of course, we read fan correspondence, questions, weird stories, a lot of gross shit. The electronic mailman just delivered this. That's right. We're doing the loyal listener thing. So if you've ever listened to another podcast, you have to turn this off now. That's true.

It's only for loyal listeners. Good call. Thank you for your loyalty. But what we have noticed, by the way, is a lot of people just saying, oh, my God, the mailbag is so fucking funny. It's just as good as the show. Here's the deal, man. You've got to tell other people that. Spread the word about the mailbag.

People don't listen, you know, this is a little inside baseball, but... People don't listen to the mailbags as much as they do the regular show. So tell people that the mailbags are good. Look, all you need to do is embarrass yourself for our pleasure. Yeah, that's right. So email us your embarrassing stories and we'll read them. You can use fake names, I think. Yes.

And do whatever the sign off. Do whatever the fuck you want, man. Fan in Cincinnati. You don't have to be saying. In the last mailbag that we do, which I think it's in two years from now, we've got it scheduled. We will be giving away your email address. That's right. Yeah, we've been collecting them all this entire time.

The show is ending in 2019. Oh, that girl who shit herself, her name, and then who just decided her going to go to the whole thing. We're going to say the whole email address. Whole thing. All right. So Chris Kavan, why don't you start us off here? Okay. Our mushrooms.

No, no, no. It's just mushrooms. I messed up making this thing. Ah, real mushrooms. Oh, real mushrooms. Hey gang Just wanted to share a quick story About the first time

My now wife, girlfriend at the time Nice Did mushrooms Upgrade You did it Ooh doing shrooms It was the summer of 1992 And we decided it would be okay

To do mushrooms And be in public Right Wrong indeed Yeah probably But you know what Stay home with some Christmas lights Depends

We ate them in the parking lot Of bush gardens in Tampa. Oh my God. All right. You know what? Being public is one thing.

Be in public at a fucking amusement park. Bush Gardens is a hell of another thing. And Tampa, you're going to wind up like Marlon Wayans

at the end of fucking Reckham for a dream. Some like southern work farm. Well, the next three words are my nightmare. I love roller coasters. Oh, Jesus, buddy. But I have never

been more terrified in my life. Oh, you don't say. My girlfriend was terrified as well. she also thought the giraffes were talking to her and complimenting her on her early 90s Guns and Roses t-shirt. Which, in fairness to her, I believe a giraffe would make such a compliment.

An amusement park in normal circumstances is enough to give you a panic attack. On a good day. No, I'm not going to set foot in one of those. No, man, those fucking germ cesspools, are you getting me? It's the heat, it's the line. It's the kid that's screaming behind.

The kids, the kids. And it's like, oh, did I buy? the fast pass, the super fast pass or whatever. I mean, I've gone to some amusement parks. I love amusement parks, baby, but it's a certain thing. But here's what I need. I need an amusement park to tell me, hey man, on Thursday

afternoon, between 1 and 4.30 p.m., there are no children allowed in this amusement park. Oh, adult swim. Yeah, exactly. Do you blow a whistle and it's adult swim time. Welcome to adult amusement park. Yeah, see, actually, I like this idea

a lot. Those adults would ruin it immediately. Oh, wait. A fun house, huh? It's a fun house mirror. It turns into an orgy immediately. Anytime you put it, that's the problem with the word adult.

It just has orgy in parentheses. Everybody's just public sex. Has to be fucking. All right, go on with the fucking. And I couldn't tell you how it was in the middle. But when we finally came down, we swore we would never do them again. Right.

Been there. Yeah. We did eventually do that. Yep, yep, been there. But that is a story for another email. Any of you have any being in public weirded out high stories? I've told a few. Great show, as always.

Chris is in Kansas City. P.S., any plans to do a show here or within driving distance? Kansas City, that wouldn't be bad. Yeah, as always, man, you know, send us venue recommendations. Our tour dates are amping up. We're able to do more and more throughout the year. but you know it's always it's always a fucking crapshoot man you never know uh we're trying you know uh patreon dot com slash we hate movies there you go would help us uh do more uh road

dates if you support the show um yeah i never i intelligently never did mushrooms uh walking around in public that's just terrifying to me but i have had many encounters uh in public as a teen i thought i was above the law like sure as most teenagers do we would smoke pot around my friend's neighborhood just just like and this is the Bronx Colorado the Bronx Colorado

where we were and we would just like we would always be afraid like oh my God I think that that guy knows my dad or whatever put it down and like you're in the middle of the street with cops everywhere

yeah one time this was at our alma mater it was the spring fling weekend we decided we were going to have some fun. Steve's brother was visiting. That's always a recipe

for disaster. Always a great time when Mark Sadex involved, a friend of the show. He's been on a few times. Sober is a jailbird that Mark Sadeck. Oh, yeah. I'm not speaking of... Straight-eyed and himself. Sober's a j-bird. This has nothing to do with him. He wasn't even

there. I was lying. He only goes to Colorado. Yeah, yeah. We had some tall glasses of water and we decided we were going to go out. they rent all these like carney rides and whatnot oh i know this so we go we're like oh man it's going to be great let's go on the fucking ferris wheel and so we're all pairing off and i'm sitting with a buddy of mine and it was the first time ever he had he had consumed a tall glass of water

ever ever so we're sitting on this cart and they do the thing that's obnoxious with ferris wheels but like whatever you have to do it this way when you're letting people off you got to go like cart by cart. So, you know, we start, like, we do the ride and it's fine. And then he starts freaking out. And he's like, oh no, oh no, my body's heating up. My body's heating up. And I'm sitting there like, what? We're on a ferris wheel. What are you talking about? And he starts screaming. And he's like, I'm on fire. I'm on fucking fire. And this dude is just yelling. And this is like, it's a state school spring fling. So it wasn't the biggest Ferris wheels.

These carnies were never seen again. No. Well, so I'm looking. So then it starts getting to me. And I'm like, well, I know he's not on fire, but I know also. Maybe I am. That he's making a scene. And then so then I look down and I look at this carny that's operating this fucking

Ferris wheel. And in my head, I start going, oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. This guy's an undercover cop. Oh, man. This dude's an undercover cop, man. No, that dude is killed undercover cops. Yeah, he's part of the biker gang that murders undercover cops.

I don't know, man. Coming this fall, Jeff Fahey, undercover Carney. I would fucking season past that shit. Six seasons in a movie. That's on Amazon. It's next to Bosch. You need a big horn intro for that. Fucking totally.

He's worked at the Carney circuit. Oh, man, this would be a great show. Trade market. Then we just, we got off the Ferris wheel and nobody gave a shit because it was a fucking Carney pulling a lever. Yes. I got a little story. I mean, Chris Cabin may have been in the background

and he might have perspective on this too. Sure. Chris Cabin was a featured extra. I was living with him at the time in Astoria Queens, Colorado. Oh, is a huge mistake. We, I was really on something at the time.

Sure. And we were, it was tall glasses and water. Sure. And then we went to the 7-Eleven in the story of Queens, Colorado on 30th Avenue. Oh, right. And I remember I was buying something, probably like a drink

or something. We were out in public. And we remember which was a mistake. And this dude gives, like I don't realize he's given me the change back. So I just keep handing it back to him. He takes it and then he hands it back to me.

And this keeps, this goes on for like three times. to the point where the cashier the cashier at the 7-Eleven starts laughing in my face because he knows I'm so fucked up and eventually I realized once he started laughing at me I was like okay I'm just going to walk

away from this situation was this the one where you were you getting a slushy yes yes I was there because we this was your fucking plan because Chris Kavana's always just like we're getting fucked up but dude there might be slushies

we might be going out of Not for slushies. Here's the problem. But you've got to fucking make change on your own. You took five minutes deciding which slushy to get. Well, it's important decision. Like, just stared at it. Do you remember the flavor I got?

I think it was cherry. Stay away from those crystal light ones. That's poison. I would rather, like, play death chess in fucking the seven seal rather than go to a 7-11 while messed up. You know what I mean? That's how it felt. It's an intense situation.

There's bright lights. Everyone's looking at you. It's like a hospital light. And everyone's like, why are you doing that wrong? And I'm like, why did I do it wrong? Listen, here's your first fucking mistake. Using cash money. That's a silent debit card transaction if I ever heard one.

Keep headphones in. There are ways to bypass all this. Constantly wear sunglasses, no matter what the time of day. I will tell this story. So the same math teacher in high school, so we got stoned in minivan almost every morning Albany, New York,

Colorado. Albany, New York, Colorado. And, like, we'd hotbox the whole thing. So if I wore a hoodie, it would just cling to it. Well, yeah. That's what science is like.

Ooh, hashtag, wait, no, Neil Tyson. After many, many times. So it would just get, like, kind of kicked in there. Yeah. So one day, I'm in math class,

same math class where my friend tipped his, desk over oh right killed himself this math teacher comes up to me takes a piece of my hoodie kneel like bends down and just goes was he trying to get a contact and then like let it go and just like waved at me with his finger yeah he knew oh the finger thing means the weed smoking. And I felt like I was having a heart attack for the next

for the rest of the day. Like I just was like, I was like, oh my God, oh my God, I'm dead, I'm dead. You're waiting to get swatted when you get home. Oh, mercy. All right, Eric, Cisco. W.H.M. Mailbag, my father the Marine at the release of flags of our fathers. This sounds like a bad idea.

Greetings W. W.H.M. crew. I love hearing about everyone's awkward and shameful movie theory. movie theater experiences since so many of my own formative moments can be traced back to the specific movies and movie theater outings. So, all right. Here's a story of my own, well, I hope so.

From the terrible year of 2006, which is terrible. Well, not me, but a guy I know. Right. I am the story thief. When I was, you stole my story. When I was 16 years old, I was going to see flags of our fathers on opening weekend with my own father,

the intimidating Marine. Oh, John Sina stars in the intimidating Marine. The John Sita's dad. I can relate to this because my... Wilbur Sina. My father was also in the Marine Corps.

Oh, shit. He's got his tastes. My dad and I don't have a lot in common other than our enjoyment for both movies and history. So flags of our father seem like a great idea at the onset. Flash forward to opening night.

And to my horror, my father takes the seat two chairs down for me, leaving an ever-confusing gay panic. We're not together, seat between us. What? I don't know if anyone's going to think that, that, but. Yeah, I mean, that's crazy. But it's, but it is, it is stupid to, like, go to the movie theaters and be like, oh, we need a buffer space, unless you're going, like, to an afternoon showing.

Exactly. If it's empty. Yeah. Usually I'll do, like, I'll, I'll, I'll have that buffer, but no, like, we'll condense. if it gets kind of crazy. Sure. Yeah, I don't even like the buffer, man. Just fucking get right up on me, man.

We're watching a movie together. I want to fucking smell you. I kind of want to be nudged every so off. Totally. Say a little comment. Yeah. Come on. Give me a nudge.

So, and to make things worse, he sets his popcorn in the middle seat to signify that no human shall be using. Come on, Sergeant. Or whatever your rank was. As the theater filled, I began to squirm with the dread at the thought of someone

calling us out for taking an extra seat. Oh, that panic. I know that panic too. Like when I'm just like, all right, like, it's getting dark soon, right? All right?

Like everyone's here, right? We could just fucking watch this movie. I don't have to worry about someone coming and sitting down next to me. Knowing full well that my dad wouldn't back down and would most likely cause a scene while lo and behold, another angry old man shows up

and asks my dad to move over one. Not going to do it. was his reply he herbert walkered him yep the man quickly became irate after a few feeble come on buddy and what's the problem here yield him no results from my stoic father quickly more and more people were beginning to tense up and stare at these two angry ass old men arguing over seating while i'm attempting to ignore ignore the escalating situation and hope that no one realizes my familial connection to the whole fiasco. See, this is where the buffer is

actually paying off for this kid. Right. I'm not with him. Finally, my dad stands up. His feet planted, eyes blazing with the resolve and a finger pointed directly at me and he shouts, I'm a goddamn

Marine and I'm watching this movie with my son. Instantly, deep horror crept over me. As everyone turned to look at my chubby, acne-ridden, 16-year-old face. Keep in mind, no one was trying to stop us from watching the movie.

Agreed. Agreed. Only to have a little common courtesy and not take up an extra seat during opening night. By the way, feel bad for this old man who has to come to flags of our fathers alone. Jesus Christ. He was probably fucking there. Yes.

Exactly. This movie's about me. Can I sit down? No. This seat is for my popcorn, you blind old fuck. I'm watching. this movie with my son

my son's name's popcorn I need an invisible chaperone between us if you were in a movie theater and you're afraid you know where that goes yeah yeah I can finish that

the other old man although almost definitely in the right was dumbfounded and only let out a few weak grumbles before leaving the theater I assumed to get an usher but to my surprise he never returned he probably killed himself he went out and died

that was the thing in the cold my father's face was a dark shade of red and he wore a deep scow for the entire film wow that's because he was watching flags of our fathers we didn't speak on the ride home I can relate to that

yeah I can fucking relate to that's every fucking day with my anyway this shame was so great that to this day I won't go to the theater with my father unless my mom agrees to join us and fill that shameful and possibly homophobic middle seats.

Well, you know, I don't know if your day... Well, I guess he would know his dad better than I would know his dad. If his dad hates gay people and seeming gay, I guess that would be an issue for him. But I just don't understand. Especially if you're a 60-year-old kid, everyone's like, oh, that's a dad with his son. It's a dad movie, by the way.

That's the thing. And I think what... You're not seeing as existends. It's like, one of these two kids do it here. No. Is that movie a... What is that? That movie's not even that gay, is it?

No, no, not even, quote, unquote, gay. I just mean, like, it's a movie, like, clearly a dad and his son would go see. This is a dad movie. It was like the time I took my dad to see The Majestic. Yeah, that's a dad movie. Exactly. Now, here's the thing, though, and I think something the author of this correspondence doesn't seem to realize, but, dude, I think your dad hates you. I think maybe you have to stop arranging dates with dad.

It was a odorant situation back in high school, by the way. Here's a thing, guy. All right, and I can speak to experience as having a fellow Marine Corps father. your dad definitely does hate you. Yeah. The last movie I saw with my father was saving Private Ryan. Similar circumstance. Was your dad leaving a buffer or what?

I don't remember. Maybe not, but I definitely wasn't sitting next to him. He purposely went to a matinee show so he wouldn't have to worry about it. Yeah, that was part of it. That was definitely part of it. Yeah, no, he wouldn't, yeah. Can I combine the last story with this story? Sure.

Me and my buddies. would get stoned and go watch cool movies on the weekends bra doing some wakes and bakes bra and we did a Memorial Day weekend broad as he's saving private rye oh you idiots almost instantly we're like

oh this is disrespectful eish oh isn't that mortal combat sequel out of what? Shouldn't there be an alien in this movie? Yeah dude historical drama is not the way to go so that's basically and he says best wishes and all that

there you go yeah i mean dad stories i mean like it's it's tough it's tough man that's like having a father's something else it's really hard man it's hard i mean also i think just the idea of like trying to gauge your dad's interest in movies like my whole thing was like dude my dad is always watching turner classic movies how cool is that yeah all right you know what i'll do my dad loves john Wayne. I'll get him a bunch of John Wayne DVDs so my dad doesn't have to wait for them to come on a Turner Classic movies. Man, you want to see a fucking $20 coaster.

Yeah, exactly. I'll show you a DVD I bought my dad 10 years ago. Uh-huh. All right, let's see, Rhino Heart Attack. I like this. I had to write in when I heard Steve State if he saw a rhino in battle and never saw one before he'd have a heart attack. Mostly because almost this exact event occurred at my

friends and I's screening of 300 when the movie was released. 300 was our 300th episode, by the way. There it is. Pretty recent. Pretty recent. We were entering the very montage when the rhino hits the screen

for the first time charging. It was this exact point when my friend pointed, or my friend next to me pointed a few rows below us where an older gentleman had collapsed out of his seat and onto the theater floor

catching his chest. Ooh! His family frantically rushed around trying to lend, tend to him and call 911. All the while, the cacophony of 300 battle sounds raged around

Tonight we dine in hell. A theater employee ran to the booth and stopped the movie, switching on the lights. The ambulance arrived and took the man away. Unfortunately, there, oh, Jesus Christ, unfortunately, there isn't a happy ending as the man passed away shortly after. We all received vouchers to attend another screening of the film, but didn't use ours for 300 as it felt wrong for some odd reason. Our arrows will blot out the sun. So there you have it, hard evidence of rhinos causing heart attacks at Zach Snyder movies causing chaos. Charlie and Louisville.

Oh, my Lord in Heaven. Wow, there you go. Yeah, I compiled this one. That's brutal. That was a funny email. That is dark. Yeah. Yeah, it sucks, but it happens.

It always, I mean, everyone's got to go. You know what I mean? Like, it's always going to have. Oh, yeah. But dying in a movie theater and it is kind of like very ignominious at the end is like, always like, oh, man, did you see that guy had a heart attack? during this horror movie and it's like well that's not really

he just had to go at that people have heart attacks in every movie exactly it's like this horror movie so man the Blair Witch 2 had a guy called to have a heart attack

and he died it's like great now I'm Blair Witch 2 guy in the afterlife yeah exactly Anubis is fucking me in the ass called me Blair which 2 guy at least this guy

got out of there before all that Xerxes speaking of gay panic stuff happened yeah that's true here's my thing I realized the other day It's funny that this letter comes up.

If anything happened to me like that, like in a movie or some kind of situation similar, I definitely would just die because I'm so neurotic about, like, making a scene in public that I'd be like, oh, no, no, no, don't do anything. I'll be fine, it'll pass. Or I'd try to, like, make it out of the theater

to the lobby. Keep enjoying this new Jason-born movie. Well, exactly. Like, can you imagine, like, being that person who the movie has to stop and the lights come up because you're fucking selfishly having a heart. heart attack? Like, that's the way my brain works. And I'd be like, oh, sh, no, it's

fine. It's fine. Bo, you ruining the last Jedi for us, you dick. Oh, man. I wouldn't hate to die during a Star Wars movie. I want to see how it ends. All right. L.L. Cool, J. Not so cool. Oh,

shit. Hey, gang. I've been listening to the show for about a year now. Where the fuck have you been? It's been seven. Yeah, come on, buddy. Get it together. No, no, no. You can't do that to the new ones, man. You'll scare them off. Oh, thank you so much for listening. No, we actually do appreciate all. No, no, yes. I love the new guys and the new gals that come in.

They say, oh, I've been listening. I would burn them through the back catalogs. A lot of back catalogs. Yes, please listen to them all. For about a year now, and I've slowed my way, made my way through the back catalog. I noticed L.L. Cool J has made a few appearances on your show from SWAT to Deep Blue, to Deep Blue C to Halloween H2O. I thought I'd share my... Did we do Halloween H2O as an episode? No, we didn't.

Wait, what did we do? we did something, right? Did we rank the Halloween movies? We ranked the Halloween movies we probably talked about. Is sure we didn't do H2O? Yeah, positive we didn't do it. We did the curse of Michael. We did resurrection.

Yes. Oh, we did do resurrection as an episode? No, we didn't do resurrection either. Whatever. We did the curse of Michael Myers. We watched those movies last year. We do have to go. Both of those are stay tuned, by the way.

Absolutely. So this guy will be right eventually. I thought I'd share my story with my brief brush with this celeb. Ooh. I like where this is going. I just. recently got out of the Marines. Oh, man.

And I told this fuffer seat, buddy. Sorry, LL. Cool, Jay. This is my popcorn seat. Hey, come on, man. Just move over. It's a movie premiere. I'm in the movie. Could you just please move over?

I'm watching this with my son. Popcorn. Thank you for your service. Of course. I would have been trying to say, you baboons throwing stuff out there about popcorn. Thank you for your popcorn.

Anyway. How does you just say the movie's going forward? To every usher salute them and say, thank you for your popcorn? Just like that, man. Yeah, all right. Movie patriotism. I was a trumpet player in one of the ten bands.

Every year, the base held a huge Fourth of July celebration where a celebrity came and performed after the Marine rock band. In 2014, Cool J was a celebrity. I was slotted to play the evening colors, a bugle call, and at a sunset just before Mr. Cool J. The rock band and I were waiting in the green room, and we were told to leave because in order to get his private room, Mr. Cool J had to walk through the green room and didn't want to deal with us. Not that big of a deal. Obviously, we were annoyed, but it didn't end there. After the rock band played and got off stage, it was just Mr. Cool J and myself. This

performance, for reference, was an outside gig, and the audience was about 3,000 strong. I like that. Needless to say, I was a bit nervous. I was announced and I was about to walk on stage when I heard, hey, kid. And I turned around to his L.L. Cool J. motioning me over to him. Maybe

he was offering some stage performers advice. Maybe some good vibes. It wasn't. Don't fuck this up. Got it? He says, before I could respond, I was being rushed on stage with thousands of people by the grace of whatever the gods you believe in,

I made it to the bugle call without fucking it up. As I went backstage to give L.L. Kool-Jay a piece of my mind, his very wide six-foot-six-ish body guard stepped in front of me and said, do you have something to say to my boss? I weighed

all possible scenarios, each of which ending with me getting my ass kicked or forcefully removed. I hope he has a great show, I said, with all the sarcasm I could muster. I'm sorry, I'll take that again. Yeah, I was going to say, so you've got to do that over. I hope he.

as a great show man sarcasm never works doesn't it? You're always like oh yeah this is awesome and everyone's like I don't care It's so annoying Thanks for your help And the waiter's like yeah you're welcome

Bye Yeah this food was great I'm seeing this movie with my son LL Cool J wherever you are go fuck yourself What's the oldest what's the oddest brush with a celebrity you ever had?

I will, Derek, by the way, and thank you for your service, obviously. Yeah, by the way, first of all, yeah, fucking eat a dog's ass, L.L. Cool J., that you're fucking talking to a Marine like this. Allegedly.

This guy might have an axe to grind. I will say, I have a good L.L. Cool J. Story. What? I don't. Deepest bluest. Wait, you don't? My sister does.

She was, I'm trying to remember the story. right now. No, she was actually just waiting for a bus on the street, and L.L. Cooljay was walking by. She was like, oh, fuck, it's L.L. Cooljay in Manhattan. And he stopped, and it was apparently the nicest guy in the world. He took pictures with her. They talked for a while. It was very nice. She had nothing but good things to say about

L.L. Cool Jain. It's a hilarious picture, because he's a really big dude. That's, that's my... Here's the difference. One was a Marine about to play a show with L.L. Cool, J. Sure. The other one is a pretty lady is the problem. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, there's a little bit of that. Yeah, it's not shocking to me

that this dude would be a dick to another dude. You know what I mean? All I know, I've heard nothing but good things about Mr. Cool James. Mr. Cool James. Did he tell you to call him there? No. Odd brushes with celebrities, anybody? I don't know.

A lot of folks, like, come through where I work, and it's, you know, I try not to do those, but I will say, I don't care about this when Edward Norton was not kind. Oh, really? That dude was kind of a big jerk. Allegedly. No, no.

He literally was a big jerk. And it was annoying. And I felt really bad about it because I like Edward Norton in movies. And maybe he was just having a bad day. I don't know. I will say, I believe I've told this before, but I told it, I believe, on the Dracula 2000 episode, I was in a Virgin Megastore one time, and I

was browsing CDs, and a bodyguard came up to me and kicked me out of the aisle, because Limp Biscuits Fred Durst was trying to shop. And I just, it was amazing because I was like, why the fuck can't this hurly backwards hat wearing asshole be in a fucking shopping aisle with a plebe? I couldn't believe.

I was like, first of all, you rap rock piece of shit. This is a huge aisle. All I do, and I think about that story is, man, I love that Virgin Megastore. Union Square was a great one. It was the Times Square one. Oh, even worse is gone. They're all gone.

They're all gone. They're all gone. There used to be a movie theater in the basement. Yeah. What a porno theme? Welcome to the Times Square basement. Ooh, adults only.

Squish, squish. Yeah, I don't know. Also, I guess in that instance, like Fred Durst wasn't directly being a jerk. Maybe this dude was over emphasizing the power that he had. Could have been the security guy. Who knows?

That's what I'm saying, yeah. I got, I mean, we've told the story, we've told the story, and being punched at the back by Al Franken. Oh, right. Did we tell this story? I don't think so.

We were drinking at the IFC Center. Yes, sir. And this was, we were just, I was there with you. Was anyone else there? Were you guys there? Victor was there. I got, I was one of those. I arrived after the fact that it was one of those like,

you're not going to believe this. We were getting so fucked up. Now, for the younger listeners in New York City, back in the day. I was every listener because no one knows the same. Well, the I have one of eight people that drank. So Al Franken used to be on S&S. I'll start there. Stuart Smalley.

No, the IFC center. is it's a movie theater in Lower Manhattan that when it reopened a few years back, like maybe 10 years ago older than that. They had like a cool little like bar area thing. We had a friend who worked there and we went there and drank for free all the time

and just tipped him and that was the end of it and then it went out of business and they turned it into two extra theaters. Right. Which probably makes more sense. So we were drinking crazy that day and Al Franken was having a screening of, I I think it was God speaks.

God's, God's book, the D.A. Pennebaker film. Right. And we, and, you know, it was kind of assumed that everyone there had seen the film, and we were just there just getting drunk. And he came up behind Cabin, and he, like, fell over himself and, like, he, like, cascaded over Chris Cabin. Al Franken, now Senator, laying up and over Chris Cabin. And it was a great moment.

So he tripped, is what we're saying? Right, yeah. And his family. family was there and he's talking to them. He's just like, just go. I'll meet you up. And then, yeah, did you say anything else to you? Mr. Cabin.

He said, sorry, he slammed my back. Yeah, yeah, the slam back. And then he was walking away and I was like, I'm not letting L. Franken get away. So I approached him. And I was just acting like I had seen the movie. And I was like, oh, it was so good, Mr. Franken. And I shook his hands. It was a sturdy little handshake right there.

I was drunk strength. He was like, calloused hands. Very nice. Well, can you imagine, I mean, you're Al Franken, right? You're a senator, you're in Minnesota, right? You're fucking, you're kicking ass? You think you ever got, you think Jesse the Body Ventura ever brought him into his own? All right, Franken, you're flying off the handle too much.

This is getting a little out of control here with this legislation you're trying to pass. It's not Saturday Night Live. There's not going to be any fun. A cue card. That's it, Franken. Arm wrestling time. On the desk. You want me to sign off on.

this bill. You're going to have to beat me at fucking arm wrestling, buddy. Here we go. I think there was like 10 years apart. I don't think they cross paths. But my point is how cool is it. Like you're working in government. You have to be whatever. But then you're back in New York City. Your old S&L stomping ground. Of course you're getting shit face man. He's acted like it's 1985. Guaranteed. And it was awesome. Jeff Goldblum also called me young man once. Oh, really? He was holding the door open from me and said,

there you go, young man. You know, another Chris Cabin story with you as I was... Wait, Jeff Goldblum held the door for you? Yes. Did he think you were somebody else? First of all, could Jeff Goldblum get me sexier? The answer is no. I was dumbstruck.

I just looked at him dreamy eyes. He was like, ha, ha, door. I was once in the restroom line with, the New York Times film critic A.O. Scott. Oh, yeah. He then, you know, we were waiting for a while for the men's room. And then he just murmured to me, just used the ladies' room. So I did.

That's an awkward, you know what? That's, it's an awkward situation. If somebody tells you what to do a celebrity, like, all right, Mr. Celebrity, I guess I will. I guess I'll just do this. That's funny. All right. This is, I think, I mean, we'd be doing the mailbag show for a number of years. now this is my favorite fucking subject line of all time yeah that's it's a pretty one is there a

cheeseburger in my ass i love it i love it alternative reading is there a cheeseburger in my ass yeah that's how i've been reading it actually okay hey guys love the show yep i work in neuroscience laboratory and your show has become a distinct talking point throughout the day Dude, they're talking about us in the lab. With me and my co-workers. Oh, thank you for your service. Lab chat. Name a neuroscience thing after me.

Like a disease. Oh, like a stroke. Like a very specific stroke. The SADAC worm. Oh, the SADC worm, man. You don't want to get that. You shrink six inches and lose your eyesight. It just makes you feel like you haven't showered for two weeks.

Oh, Steve Bathes. Usually. I've lived with him, Steve Bathes. Anyway, your recent three. 300 episode and the talk of McDonald's Down Your Pants Reminded me Of a similar situation I found myself Back in 2008

I was a senior in high school And my mom went over to her boyfriend's house For the night You know what was going on there Jesus No I don't They might have been waiting for marriage Would you stop it?

All right, I'm sorry Nice companionship, how about that? Yeah, you're right. You're right. Well, you're right. So my awesome friends, sarcasm. Oh, geez. I hope the friends are listening. Sorry.

So my awesome friends, thank you, invited themselves over for a night of drinking. I like that. Not bad. We decided we would play a movie drinking game, and since the movie Wanted had just come out on DVD, it was off to the Glorious Town Blockbuster. A simpler time. It is such a bad movie. It is bad. On our way out, we decided it would be a good idea to grab some food now since we wouldn't be able to drive later.

You know what? That is responsible planning on that. I like hearing that. As luck would have it, we passed by a McDonald's and decided to order a ton of shit, literally, of the dollar menu. What do you mean as luck would have it? You're in America. There's a fucking McDonald's on every corner. There will always be. These golden archers will always cascade down. down on me. Wait, am I talking about

Pierce or McDonald's? Two McDonald's in every driveway. Well, to be fair, we don't know this episode will come out. He might not be president anymore. Oh, that's true.

RIPD. No, he will be forever. He might be forever. Dollar menu, let's keep going. We got back to my place and began the movie.

After a few beers, it was someone's bright idea to switch to shots of Bacardi. Oh, fuck. What the fuck was the rules of this game? Bad idea. Never switched to shots

of anything specifically Picardy. Never ever. I can't do shots I'm a grown ass man I can't do it order me a whiskey I will drink that whiskey I'll sip it

and I'll have a great time if I do a shot I'll throw up in your face I'll do a shot but that's it I can do many shots you ever try to do a power hour what's that

oh what dude we should do we should do a power hour and record it oh that's a good idea what is this a power hour is when you sit around in a room

I'm way ahead of you and you take a sip of beer every minute for an hour. We could do that. No, so you think you can. That's the... Wait, that's called podcasting. That's the... No, but see, like, I've been consuming alcohol the whole night,

but I'm just sipping as we go. This is a very strict, every 60 seconds, you take a big swig of beers. Yeah. And, uh... It sneaks up on you. Yeah. Oh, interesting.

Oh, Lord. We should record that for Patreon. Ironically, that's how I met my wife was getting drunk at a power hour. I was there. Yeah. You know what we should do, actually. I wasn't invited. And maybe delete this from it.

We should do a commentary. Yes, on the power hour. With the first 60 minutes is a power hour. Oh, that's a great idea. I think, I think I'll leave that in the recording so the public can hold us to it. That's a good idea. Okay, we're only 33 years old, so we're definitely young enough to do this. Yeah.

We hate movies found dead. I'm 34. Vomiting everywhere. I am sorry. You go. Shots of McCarty. An idea which was about as bad as the movie wanted. The idea is worse than the movie, but I get what you're saying.

Since I was not accustomed to drinking as much as the rest of the gang, I passed out about half way through the movie. I woke up the next morning in full hangover mode. As you would. Or possibly still drunk. Definitely a little bit of both. That's actually the worst of all situations. When you still have to wait for the drunk to end for the hangover to begin? I mean, it's like I still feel like shit, but I'm just waiting to also feel.

like shit. And you're just like, you're heating up. Like, you feel like you're baking. Yes. Yep. I'm on fire. Yeah, I'm on fucking fire, man. Exactly. Just like sweat pooling up everywhere. And you're like waiting for those hangovers to start and you just get on a ferris wheel. The deafening sound of the DVD menu and animation of curving bullets playing over and over again. As I set up off the floor to turn it off, I felt something squishy in my pants. I thought, Jesus Christ, I finally did it. I shit my pants. I shit my pants.

David Letterman laughed. That deserved it. To figure out how bad my situation was, I decided to not make a run for the bathroom, but instead rocked back and forth to feel it out. What? First of all, you stand up. And you want to make sure... This is an expert talking, by the way.

Yeah, you want to know what to do after you shit your pants. Ask Dr. Steve. You don't want to spread the situation any further than it needs to be and rocking back and forth. You're just cream in your drawers. Yeah, you're just... You're fucking kneading the dough. That's disgusting.

All right. Feeling it out, Cathy. Continue. Feel it the fuck out. I started to realize, though, it wasn't a shit. instead I reached down my pants and yelled to my friend who had just woken up

is there a cheese bigger in my ass oh no speak of never mind what a waste of a cheeseburger unfortunately there was not a cheeseburger down my pants but three cheeseburgers

three cheeseburgers to this day I honestly believe shitting my pants would have been easier to process than why and how my friends shoved three McDonald's cheeseburg burgers down my pants. The only reason I could think of is they wanted

them to stay warmed up for a hangover breakfast. Oh. No, that's disgusting. That would just be so awful. That's disgusting. You don't want to eat asperger's. No, no, no. The next morning, which may have been the initial idea since

two of the three were still wrapped. Oh, man, just put them in the fridge. I'm just trying to hold back the vomit here. Shane from Philadelphia. well thanks for your email Shane I hope that's working out I hope nobody ate those hamburgers

I drunkenly gave myself food poisoning once what oh this is great friends I went out to Chicago like seven years ago to celebrate my birthday with some of our Chicago friends and they were generous enough and we were getting older it wasn't like we're not just going out getting drunk

we're going to take you out to a nice dinner first and then we're getting a fucking ripped exactly we were old enough to not do that, but not old enough to not do that. These are our friends, Chicago land listeners who run the Lincoln Loft. Check them out in Chicago. It's a great theater. Wonderful theater. We performed there. It's awesome.

And very gregariously took me out to a nice dinner. I got lobster ravioli. I was like, oh, this is delicious. Oh, man. It was, oh, my goodness. It was too much for me to finish. So I left it in my friend's car. And then we got shit-ass wasted. Sure.

And so drunk, I brought it up to his apartment. And I was like, man, I got the midnight munchies, and I ate this lobster ravioli, which was sitting in the back of a car for about three and a half hours. Oh, no. And on a balmy, an unseasonally balmy October night. Oh, that's awful. And I just woke up with the absolute worst food poise I ever had about. And I wished I was dead.

I read most of the All-Star Batman from Frank Miller. Oh, well, at least it wasn't always. Eric Siska, this next email is perfect for you. The Quest for Sleeze, staying up for HBO late night. Hi, you gang, this is Matt in actual Colorado. Oh, show off. A story of Queens is in Colorado. Look at up.

It is. Yeah, seriously. It's around Denver, Boulder. Den Boulder. Eric's admission that his totally progressive folks were totally cool with him watching the Playboy channel reminded me of an unspoken but very real struggle between me and my father and myself in my quest to watch

blurry HBO late night programming in the heyday of shows like taxi cab confessions and real sex I watched it there oh man I've watched so much taxi cab confession I've watched so much real sex

oh my god so you're just taking this cab to go out of a night of sleazy sex huh so are your swingers yeah we are Yeah, we... Are you swingers?

Yeah. We fuck each other. Oh, wow. That'd be fucking... Do you fuck dolls? Yeah. Oh, you fuck dolls? Great, 750.

Because it's always that, or it's like somebody really drunk. And it's like, oh, great. Hey, man. You cool? Yeah, I'm fine. Awesome. That's nine minutes of that. That's a slow night on taxi cab confessions.

Well, he signed the release. You know, uh, you know, my taxi cab confession is, turn left here my taxi cab confession is what is that I have these headphones on so I purposely don't have to fucking talk to you no that is not a cheeseburger

I was maybe 12 or 13 and we technically had cable even though it was basic cable as it gets local channels home shopping at TBS but not TNT what that's a crime that is a crime oh that was during the Turner Civil War

that's bloody right that's both yeah that's weird through some fluke of signal leak I never questioned we were able to get fuzzy showtime blurry MTV and warped but very watchable by the standards of a pre-internet

adolescent HBO I love the idea of very watchable I've been there very quickly I realized that after a certain time repeats of arles showings and showings of tremor gave way to the dirtiest lees yeah that was the thing with 90s

HBO man, you just had to sit through fucking Arlis. If you could get through Arlis, the pornography was right around the corner. Robert Wohl was the boatman de Bonertown. He really was. Cross the river sticks, that is Arlis. And then you fucking entered into a beautiful field of pornoes. Oh, hey there, 13 year old boy.

You want to jerk off? You got to get through me. You have to start caring about sports management. Aha! And laugh at the same time. surely tame by today's standards then to a 13 year old mad it was mind blowing given that i didn't have a tv in my room i decided gawk at weirdos masturbating on mountaintops and middle-aged women eating vanilla frosting off one another in l.a swingers bars and keep my finger firmly pressed on the last channel button of the remote yeah man i remember the fucking days of fucking surfing last channel buttons dude yeah just always have it

it ready you're like whatever you're watching dude the entire time you're just sitting on that your fingers on the button dude i was like the gun slinger at the okay corral man fucking fastest draw in the west so this guy was smart enough to do his last channel button with ds9 rerun because that is a you want to fucking kill a boner put on ds9 real my dad thinker that he is got wise to my scheme and started staying up later and later on weekend nights to watch Watch Trek reruns and whatever Drek was on TBS at midnight. Oh, that stinks. From then on, ours was a battle of Stanima.

My dad would say, getting tired, man, you should go to bed. And I would reply, huh? No, I really want to finish. You only live twice for the fifth time in two weeks. I think dad was trying to get in, not get in on it, but like, I think he wanted. It was his jerk time. Exactly. I think it was like, who's going to, I wish this kid would go to bed so I could master it.

right i mean i'm sure that's most parents thoughts exactly i would wait let me see where i was here uh sometimes i would doze off and give up and sometimes my dad would be the one to not off and surrender it's like a standoff most of the time though we'd we'd both manage to stay oh wait i don't know where is this going we both managed to stay up past the hbo smut block and and truttle off in our rooms doffing our caps in silent recognition of respective commitments mind to watch blurry wobbly sex freaks

waggling appendages at one another while popping balloons I think I remember that episode to quietly apply good parenting then we got AOL Not sex freaks balloons are balloons man

Are you a ballooner Steve? No I'm not a ballooner but I'm just I don't like to sit on a high horse and say culpable freaks You blow? I did Okay I'm hoping this stimulates conversation

about times you all battled your parents for sleaze as teens. As always, thank you for the hilarity. Matt, thank you for your email and thank you for your service and jacking off at night. There was one time I definitely had that finger on the old last channel button and

you know, things were what they were. He was getting some viewing time in and whatnot and then out of nowhere, my mom wakes up. This is the middle of the night. Oh, that's against the rules. And now here was the problem. We definitely had a broken remote.

Oh, fuck. Got to check the batteries first. Well, no. Speaking of the batteries, dude, the back of the remote was broken. So you couldn't put it in. So it just always fell off. So those batteries were just exposed, right? I got so spooked by her coming around the corner.

I dropped the remote control. Not only did I drop the remote control, then the batteries fell out. Wow. And it was just a whole situation of me. pathetically trying to crawl to the cable box to switch the channel manually thank God she didn't have her glasses on well thankfully you had a third leg to get over there faster

I will say I wish God bless the old analog days because if not you would be fucked because now cable boxes are little pots you know what I mean there's nothing I can't push a button on my Roku yeah I guess that's true never thought about it

Chris how about you jerking off at night. What do I think? I think of the night terrors. I had like a lot of tapes. Oh, you know, I've had some tapes. Tapes of like very... It's all smof films.

All right. Here we go. Last... Now I like the idea that that story ended where it did was I had a lot of tapes. Yeah. I had a lot of tapes. And then like period of this...

Because everybody gets it. Yeah. Everybody gets it. End his story. So here we go to wrap up the evening here. My Tangential 300 story. Hi, guys. I've been listening to your podcast

since I heard the Every Which Way But Loose episode and became hooked. I'm breaking in with a story from the last thing. Just on tapes. Yeah. A friend of mine's dad was a meticulous VHS labeler.

Oh, sure. So he would label like it was Fight Club. And he would write Fight Club starring Edward Norton and Brad Pitt. Jesus Christ. Or Crimson Tide. with Gene Hackman and Denzel Washington. Sex tape starring that girl.

When you peeled back two or three layers of these labeled VHS tapes, it was like Busty Cops 3 starring Marie St. Clair. Dude, you can't tape over Busty Cops 3. That was the best one. And like whomever, like he would label the second, the soft core porn stars?

The softcore pornography that is. It was just softcore though? I mean, yeah, it looked that way. Was it the actual title? yeah no it was he would he would he would meticulously just to know which was which and like he was a big like time code guy too like what yeah where you're like so if there was more than one on the tape yeah exactly like from oh this to 91 oh shit he's taping on extended play mode yeah that's gonna lower the quality that's off poor point in play dude let's see

I can go for the whole tape six hours oh this tape you won't even last six second. Oh, gross. Yeah, gross indeed. All right. I've been listening to your podcast since I heard the Every Which Way, but loose episode and became hooked. Thank you for all the laughs. You're very welcome. Your recent episode on 300 brought to mind a story I can at least now in hindsight laugh about for the most part. Years ago, I had my very first girlfriend and she came... And last. Jesus Christ. No, probably not. You don't know that. I don't. And she came from a religious family with us being.

in South Texas. This is a real fire and brimstone kind of religious. At the time, I also had a best friend who I'll call Tea. Tea and I hung out almost every day and told each other everything. On one of these days, he insisted we had to watch 300 which had recently come out on DVD. Yeah. I fell asleep watching it. No kidding.

And once the movie was over, he got somewhat upset after I told him I didn't like the movie. Whatever, dude. Now being that T and I were such good friends, when my girlfriend, who had been seeing for a bit at this point, and I finally had sex for the first time, naturally I told him. He congratulated me and all seemed well until the very next day. I got a call the next day from my girlfriend's mother informing me that she had learned I'd had sex with her daughter. And she was furious.

After I escaped that phone call, I rushed to my friend's house where he informed me that, of course, he'd looked up the number of my girlfriend's mother and had called her to tell her to, and I quote, make sure we were being safe. Wow. That is a dick move, man. I promptly told him to go fuck himself and left.

We never spoke again. The last time I saw tea was at a gathering of mutual friends. I thought they were going to say Gathering of the Juggalo ran into tea at the gathering, brother. You're like, is that U.T?

He was spraying everyone with Fago. He was slugging Fago, man. Slugging Fago. Slugging grape Fago. Gathering of mutual friends where they all told him that that was a fucked up thing to do

and cold-shouldered him for the rest of the night. To this day, I always think of tea in that story whenever 300 comes up and sometimes I wonder if he did it to get back at me for not liking his terrible movie.

He did it to get back at you for not liking him. Yeah, right? I mean, come on. That's possible. Anyway, at least now I can laugh about the whole thing. Love the show so much, you guys,

keep being hilarious. Kylie in Texas. That's something. That is really something. That's fucked up is what it is. I don't know, man. But why would you? Yeah, but the thing is like,

Why would you do that? Over a movie, man. Is it over a movie? Well, I mean, that's the thing. It seems like there was something else going on. Kylie, we're going to need to know everything about your life. Every little, every detail. But I don't know.

At the same time, dude, people were mad for that movie. They were. People get mad for movies, man. There's a fucking grown-ass man who told me, Avatar changed his life. So what the fuck are you going to do? James Cameron, you were talking? Yeah, I decided I'll stop making good movies. I want to keep making all these movies forever.

That movie took seven years of my life. Now, it's amazing to have to look a grown man in the face and not laugh when he says Avatar changed his life right to you. Well, I pretend I don't know what that. I just pretend I didn't hear it. Oh, what was that? Just keep walking. Okay.

How about them giants? Talk to you later. Yeah, I like Avalon, too. with Armand Mueller Stahl? Yes. Armand Mueller Stahl? Yeah. Oh, nice.

Deep Paul. He's great in the 13th floor. Oh, is he in that? Yeah, he is. He's in, God, what is he? He's in, with that Michael Douglas. What movie is that? The game?

He is in the game. Is it the game? Michael Kane is not in the game. Armand Muller Stahl is in the game. Michael King, no, no, Michael Douglas, sorry. Yes. Yeah, he definitely said Michael Douglas. Yeah, I thought he said Michael Cain.

may who knows it's getting late no that's what he said michael douglas and that's why i then said the game there's a scene where michael douglas goes into arman muller schall's office yep and he's just like and it's like a takeover or something and he's he's like there's no bear grant without you know there's no bear grant publishing without uh anson bear or whatever yeah yeah whatever his fucking name was and and michael douglas's like well then where's grant and you know they're out sailing man And where are you? You're waiting. You're sitting here.

Anyway. The best part of that movie is when he breaks into Armand Muehler's doll. He's having, like, lunch with his dog. Because he's, like, retire, Armand Moulish doll. He's having, like, lunch with his daughter and his wife. And he's like, well, I'm retiring. And he thinks he's behind the game. So he has this, like, this suitcase full of pictures of him having sex with Debrakehr-Carr-Unger.

You think this is going to make me back off the deal? You could have me with nipple rings, fucking Captain Kangaroo. And I'm not going to do anything. What are you talking about? I wanted to retire. This is my wife and my daughter. Are you confusing me with Udo Kier? That happens a lot.

I'm not like a... I'm a really nice guy. I'm Aminullah's dog. I mean, I guess in that regard, you know, you know... What T did wasn't that bad. No. That's W.S. HM Mailbag for the month of May, everybody, if you want your weird stories read on the air,

or if you have questions for us that we can embarrassingly answer for you right into the mailbag. We all hate movies at gmail.com. Until next time, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadak. Chris Cabin. Eric Siskin. Take it easy. That was a hate gum podcast.