We Hate Movies - S7: WHM Mail Bag - Hurricane Late Fees, Parking Lot Hitchhikers, and Movie Theater Perverts

Episode Date: November 28, 2016

On this month's WHM Mail Bag, the guys read letters about insane Blockbuster Video late fee policies, creepy multiplex parking lot hitchhikers, one totally insane X-Men marathon, and a creepy dude getting creepy in the wrong kind of movie theater. PLUS: Chris Cabin—total babe. If you want your questions answered, or your weird/creepy stories read on the air, write in to the Mail Bag: [e-mail]!Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Thank you. Welcome to W.H.M. Mailbag, everybody. This is for the month of November, if you can believe it. A little bit of Knove. This is the show, if you're unfamiliar, if you're trying this for the first time. The month is 11. The month is 11. And this is where we read letters and correspondence that we get over the weeks and days and months and hours and whatnot.

You know, kind of poke some fun at them or maybe tell some stories that inspire us from reading things and whatnot. But if you like this extra thing, May I remind you Patreon.com slash we hate movies That's a place you can go to And for just dollars a month Get yourself even more WHM content Us making fun of cartoons

Us making fun of Star Trek Oh Star Trek is great There's commentaries that come out there Quarterly there is Some side orders of slees that happen as well Every now and again we talk about movies That we just kind of Sort of like take a step back

And revel in the grossness and try to tell some jokes here and there. There's a fun newsletter you get in every tier, which is it's a nice little way to get to know everybody. What's the name of that newsletter, Steve? The Big Daddy Dispatch. That's right, Big Daddy Dispatch. And if you don't get that joke, see the Con Air episode.

Sure. So that's it. That's the plug for that. Patreon.com slash we hate movies. Now let's get to the correspondence. Steve Sadek. Want to start us off? Sure. Hi, Andrew, Chris, Eric, and Steve. Hey, what's up? I'm in the letter of writing voice.

Supp. How's it going? You got a break. You've got to get out your bubble. Too much rye in that. Weird to be writing an email that you know is going to be read aloud and recorded in your own home. What? Whoa, what?

I'm Chelsea, Andrew's wife, and a big, in parentheses, if biased, fan of the show. Hold on a second. The letter's coming from within the house. Let me tell you, the bigger surprise. I didn't know she listened to the show. Yeah, she wrote this. And yeah, yeah, we're going to read it. I know some people are going to be all up in arms.

You know what? Shut it down. Shut it all down. You know what? Hashtag, get over yourself. It's rigged. It's rigged. The We Hate Movies mailbag is totally rigged.

Those four guys are a bunch of fat phonies. Lock them up. Lock them up. They claim to be a show from New York City. Two of them don't even live in the city. One lives in another fucking state. A governed by my former fat pal Chris Christie. Whatever.

This was in response to our... Fat pal. We're a bunch of... That was the original name. If somebody's like, oh, by the way, I own We Hate Movies from like years ago, maybe I had some like video store that was called We Hate Movies,

we just changed to Fat Pals. Yeah. Also, sorry, your video store has been out of business for 12 years. This was in response to our call for hurricane correspondence. Oh, right. The title is Hurricane Movies. I should have said that. Yeah, there you go.

I never thought I'd write it to the mailbag. One, because I know you all. it's weird. And two, because I have a pretty tame movie going live so far, without any vomit in theaters or anything. But then you called for hurricane movies, and it turns out I have a pretty good one, even if this might be a story I've told to you all in person. But then, you know, a lot of the audience wasn't there that time. Most, if not all, the audience wasn't there that time. They were all drunk anyway. They don't remember. That was a crazy night. Even if I have Blockbuster video deserves to be shamed for this.

So I thought I'd write it up for you all. I grew up in Miami, Florida, and in 1992, we were hit pretty badly with Hurricane Andrew. It sucked a lot. Don't get me wrong. We were really lucky in comparison to a lot of people. And then you married him? Yep, figure that out. Oh, that's good.

It is. I never actually put that together. Is it? It's not. Studies have shown it's not. lucky in comparison to do a lot of people our home could be repaired and we were all safe but we were without powder for three weeks

man I was out without power for a week in Hurricane Sandy and that was tough oh yeah well I didn't lose power during Hurricane Sandy but man the wind I was trying to watch movies god damn you had a mildly competent governor I had fucking fat Chris Christy dude those fat pals man

ex fat pal Steve's fat pal Steve's fat pal with that three weeks which put us in sort of a middle of when most people got theirs, restored and if I'm remembering it correctly. Sorry. Still no electricity for three weeks.

In August, in Miami's not fun. We didn't watch anything during the actual hurricane, too busy hiding out in the bathroom. The only room without windows. But my story instead comes from the end of those three weeks without power. You see, sometime before the hurricane hit, we'd rented Disney's the Great Mouse Detective from Blockbuster Video. I don't understand why that's just not an outright purchase, by the way.

Yeah, why don't you own that? Why don't you own the whole? It's a weaker entry, you know what? No, it's not. You go to a strawberry and you buy that immediately. I bet they had rescuers down under. It didn't have. That was, yeah, I mean, the two sides of a shitty coin here, Chris.

All those mouse movies. Me and you outside later, Sadek. All them mouse movies. That's right. I don't think I saw this movie. Oh, you missed it? Oh, what? Great Mouse Detective?

No, thanks, God. It's excellent. It's a mouse as Sherlock Holmes. And a fat mouse as Watson. Isn't he the mouse of Sherlock Holmes as well? Isn't like actual Sherlock Holmes in it? I don't remember. Really?

Yeah, I think so. Something like that, maybe. Whoa, that's like a mind fuck. Well, he's like splinter, like, uh, learning from Heroku Saki, you know what I mean? Like kind of, yes, I know what you mean. Eric Siska's mind fuck. It's you doing failed magic tricks. You know, I'd love to, I could fail at that.

I'd like you to open a, uh, a sushi restaurant. called Heroku Sokis and like everyone thinks it's super authentic and then they're like, you know that's just that fat podcaster and it's named after the guy from Ninja Turtles and then everyone, that it's a failed business. Did you know that this sushi's actually ham? Do you know we're eating ham right now? And this isn't right. What is this popcorn?

Yep, popcorn at Roku Sakis. Eric Siski's sushi restaurant. It's called the America Roll by the way. Absolutely. so sorry you see sometime before the hurricane hit we'd rented the Disney's the great mouse detective from Blockbuster

Video sometime after the hurricane we realized we left it in the VCR with no electricity we couldn't eject it and at least without tearing apart the VCR first of all I could tear up I could I can uninstall and take off the casing of a VCR like that yeah you're like a Marine but for fat

nerds SADAC the professional you ever see those commercials where it's TV VCR repair? Yes. Who would you do that? You went to the Sally Struthers School? That was the thing. I was the designated VCR. I could fix the VCR. I could clean the heads. And my mother would always like, you should go into that.

I'm like, what a failing business. So instead publishing. Yeah, I'll take my liberal arts degree and make no money. So then after Hurricane the out of it. Considering the city was going through a state of emergency following, what was at that point, the most destructive hurricane. came to hit the land and in the country, we figured it wasn't high on the priority list. So instead of my parents focused on stuff like our safety.

After we got our power back, we returned the video, the clerk or attended or whatever working at Blockbuster informed my dad that we were being charged a really significant late fee on the Great Mouse Detective. I was only eight at the time, but if memory serves me correctly, it was about 50 bucks or so, and that's 1992 money. Yeah, that's a big deal. That's like $16,000. Exactly $50,000, I think, at the time.

That was livid. We had all survived a literal disaster and Blockbuster wanted to charge a late fee profiting off of people's suffering blockbuster. That's Blockbuster for you. I'm glad they're dead. Why? Who had missed out on renting it? Nobody.

People had just started getting electricity back. I can't imagine even people using generators, let alone having movie nights, which is kind of like, well, honey, we've got the... Got the power back. Do you want to take a shower? You want to watch The Great Mouse Detective. No, I feel like an asshole for asking for hurricane movies.

Oh, wait. Oh, hurricanes are a big deal. Honey, I got sibling rivalry here. Ooh, I got Madhouse. Look at this mother, problem child, too. True colors. Sex lies and videotape. My dad's an attorney, and so I don't know what was all said in response,

but I know we did not end up having to pay the late fee. but it took a fight and after all that I couldn't tell you a thing about the Great Mouse Detective Chelsea by the way

in case you're wondering I think he's Sherlock Holmes's mouse who cares it's awesome so it's Sherlock Holmes that is also Sherlock Holmes

yes exactly that's the weird and he's got a parasite that's Sherlock Holmes yes the parasite has Adams that are Sherlock Holmes Christopher Nolan's

oh wow Christopher Nolan's the Great Mouse Detective I'd watch that I gotta get into a book case mouse detective. Makes sense. He's small.

I'm tapping on these books because I'm a mouse detective. Oh, what's that? My daughter's 90 years old? That's weird. Mmm, cheese. Hey, Ellen Burstin. Remember when you used to be jealous, Jessica Chastain? That's pretty weird. I can't believe that black hole

was just a piece of Swiss cheese. My family never really forgave Blockbuster video. And while I could close with some sort of snide comment about the current state of affairs. I'll just close out saying I love the show. Keep doing a great job and hurry up and stop recording so Andrew can take

the dog out, Chelsea. I will be doing that after that. Let me tell you what you're Yeah, that refers to me, right? Yeah, yeah. I'm going to take you outside you can piss on the sidewalk. Listen, I do it after every show. Here's the thing. I've heard this story before and the first time I heard it

and here's the thing. You're this blockbuster clerk. Know what's going on. Yeah, it's two days you just opened again more than likely. you were closed for yourself. I have a similar story, actually. It doesn't involve a hurricane. Was this the time you had a blockbuster account in my name

and it was ruining my dad's credit? No, that's a different time all together. That's a true story for another day. It wasn't ruining his credit. Oh, he thought it was. Dude, this was barely a year after his identity was stolen. I had nothing to do with this. No, I did it.

I want that to be very clear. I've never stolen it. It sounds like a rough road for Jupin. senior there. Oh, yeah, he was fucking pissed for like four years. Eight out of ten of my friend's dad's hate my guts. Just putting that right out there.

So, yeah, we had rented Buffy the Vampire so the movie when it had come out. So this is way, way, way, back when, you know, 92 or whatever. And my sister rented it. We watched it with my dad. My dad, my parents were divorced, so we would see my dad on the weekends. We rented on my dad's card

and like two weeks go by and my dad's like getting all these letters like blockbuster is telling me that I that I didn't return this tape now you know I got to spend all this money et cetera et cetera my sister's like dude I return that I swear I remember I went with my friend we returned it we put it in the slide I know it happened so my dad who does not like the man to get over on him went over to blockbuster video and fucking told them a thing or two in front of me tore this kid up to shreds how are you call it got to are you calling my daughter a liar territory that's where that's where the other person has no response. Don't tell me it didn't happen. I saw it happen. Exactly. So they're like, look, you know, I guess you did return it.

We must have lost it in inventory. Talk to you later, Mr. SADAC. We go home and it's right there. The back the tape is right there. Did you bring it back? No, no, no. We had that forever. Oh, yeah.

That was a house copy. Mr. Sadek, we can give you a free pack of red vines. Or that gross little. weird popcorn that comes in a plastic sleeve if you wanted. Jesus Christ, who bought that? Who was buying that? Act two popcorn for you? Act two is what exactly

what was it? Like microbial popcorn single, so it wasn't a box. Why wouldn't people buy microwavable because buy popcorn at a store like a human being at a grocery store? It's disgusting. I'm not buying fucking Lucy popcorn packs, man.

Come on. We'll get you killed in the five boroughs. All right, next story. All right, Chris Cabin. Thank you, Chelsea, by the way. Thank you, very much. All right, Chris, Mark Schnell. Jesus.

Predators. Predators story. This is going one of two ways. This is about Chris Cabin. Hey, gang. I saw 2010's Predators with a good friend, why did you do that? With a good friend in a moldy-ass theater

that now mostly plays Bollywood films. The movie is pretty mediocre. Joker, but a decent matinee. Now, this is the one that's produced by Robert Rodriguez, but he just couldn't get out of bed to direct the fucking thing. It's that the guy who did Armored. Nimrod Atal. Yeah.

He was great. Robert Rodriguez getting ready to start a pretty okay TV network that I kind of like. The L. Ray Network? What's on there besides the Dust Till Dawn show that I'll never watch? You'll never need to watch that. But it's just like a bunch of like Grant. You'll find Chud on there occasionally. Get out of town.

It's pretty well curated movies. after 10 o'clock the watershed rule goes and everything's uncensored during the day you'll get you know mute whatever but everything after 10 o'clock is it's it's it's you're getting fox and yeah yeah yeah you get fox on the LRA network I believe so all right okay anyway sorry Chris oh please mark snow stop just stop fucking Steve banon over here it wasn't packed but the two people in the row in front of us had a sort of weird energy.

They showed up late and seemed like mother and son, but after the show I saw that they were actually an age appropriate 20-something couple. That's a weird mistake to make. Well, it says a lot about this couple. I'm actually really glad you're writing this letter because I just realized what the next line is. Yep, go for it, Chris. Oh, sweet.

Fucking say it. Oh, sweet universe. The dude was a cute, chubby nerd. Not a total babe like Chris Cabin but not far off I do need to say that this was written by a gentleman and I actually was at when I was in Washington, D.C.,

I went to a bar after the show that we did and it was a big venue that had a bear night and I swear it was like a Chris Cabin convention man. It was like Chris Cabin fan film. Everybody looked exactly like you. Chris Cabin cosplay. I have

an honorary night at that club. It's Chris Cabin night. They were doing cab play. A lot of stained t-shirts in that room. Next live show, I want to encourage people to do some cab play. Oh, absolutely. The show is Chris Cabin. And I mean, you know, acute chubby, that's not even, I'm not even a cute chubby nerd.

No, but Chris Cabin's a total babe. That's the problem. I am jealous. You've got four fat guys in a room and one guy's a total bath. If you, like, look, I don't need the ruby red cheeks right now, okay, trying to concentrate on the. folks, he ain't even dancing. Oh, forget him. Dancing, your pants will fall right down.

Now you're just jacking up expectations. And now I have a responsibility. Expectations. Welcome to we hate movies. Were we jack? Expectations right up. It's the Circle Jerk podcast. Sorry, total babe.

Oh, keep going. This email's long. I know. They're all one. They're all like that. He was really excited about the film, and his girlfriend was a spaced out brunette who looked like she lived a hard life.

You know what? I've also been, people have also said that about me. You look like a spaced out babe. A spaced out brunette with a, yeah. Oh, man, I'd rent that movie. They actually approached us and asked for a ride to the train station. Nope, no, that's a big, that's a hard, nope.

Sorry, I'm going to the airport. What are you? Excuse me, I am actually going to drive this off a cliff. I wanted to get in a quick matinee of predators before I got on the plane. I hear Adrian Brody's great in it. All right. You can see the train station from the cinema.

So it seemed like an odd request, but my friend and I are super awkward, so we're like, I don't know, fine. Into the car we go. The dude continues his awkward nerd shit in the car. This guy fell down a cliff fast. First he's a cute chubby nerd. Now he's doing his awkward nerd.

Well, I guess after they asked for a ride, it's awkward nerd shit at this point. Even in Adonis, like Chris Cabin becomes a fucking awkward shitty nerd once you ask me for a quarter mile ride to a train. And also he's got a girlfriend there, so nothing's going to happen. No. Clearly not. Dude, that stinks. The girl says nada and we drop them off. No big deal.

No crisis. Yeah, that accurate. Everything is cool. A week later, I, I see said nerd on the local news. Oh, no. His girlfriend had stabbed four police officers and was eventually shot to death by the police. What?

The same girl we gave a ride to a week ago. Oh, man, you got out lucky. Yeah, seriously. Now, there's people on the internet. I call them cool kids. Uh-huh. That likes to say, shit on this mailbag never happened. Sure.

We're being punked. but this dude also did a follow-up email where he sent us the news story. Oh, oh, really? The Somerville Times.com slash archives slash 5.0. Yes. 5.2.1. It's short. Oh, all right.

I hear you saying archives slash a number. If there's more than one backslash, we're out of here. So say it again, say it again because I talked over it. Yeah, yeah. I thought there was going to be like, you know, fucking exclamation marks. trying to save time by shutting down this URL. Look, he's trying to jack up expectations. Jack him right up.

The Somerville Times.com slash archives slash 5021. There you go. There we go. Okay. Proof. See, it happens. And you know what, though? That's what we need more of on the internet these days is fucking sources. Cite those sources.

I should probably say this now. This is one of two emails we got in the mail. bag involving female slashers, as you would call it. Dude, I love it, man. Bring it on. All the female slasher. All the stabbers. All the female

slasher's carry it to All right, keep going. Okay, so not only did we see predators with her, we gave her a ride. A crazy person in the last week of her life. Wait, that's chilling. That is a chilling sentence. That's the scariest thing we've ever said on the mail bag.

Oh, God, and I didn't even read the next line. it was a 12-inch hunting knife she kept on her person always Oh, the knife was in the car The knife was in the car Oh God Nobody signed it Probably for the right

Probably good reasons Yeah yeah Oh well that's that's a bone chilling Thank you very much But Chris Kavan is a total babe though We all know that Oh god Guys

What are we watching Is the subject of the next email I like that Hey gang a few years ago I was at the theater with my dad and my brother to see Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. Big mistake. I saw it twice in theaters. What? I saw

it once with theater friends and then my little brother really wanted to see it. Record scratch. Dental plan. But I saw that in theaters once and I was furious. That was the end of my Kevin Smith Love Affair. It was kind of like, oh, this is embarrassing. I was like, oh,

he got me. Yeah. While we were waiting for the movie to start, a woman in her 20s came in and with what appears to be her mom and her grandmother. They sit down in the row right in front of us. My brother and I exchange a confused look, but whatever, we're here with our dad, so who are we to judge?

Right. The movie starts, for those unfamiliar with the movie. Oh, don't tell me what it's about again. If you're unfamiliar with the movie, stay that way. The first thing we see is Jane Bob as toddlers in front of the quick stuff with Jay's mother cursing out a guy for, questioning her parenting skills. This was when I was like, oh, this is going to be a bad movie.

Anytime you see characters you're familiar with as little children and the little children act exactly like the character you're familiar with, get me out of this fucking theater. A fat child duster, no, thank you. Doesn't the little kid have a fake beard on to? I think he does. I believe that he does. Did he learn nothing from episode one?

Toddler Jay then starts saying fuck repeatedly, and it fades into Jason Mews saying, about a dozen more times and wrapping rapping poorly about drugs. Yep. That's, you know what? That's the most accurate way to describe death. Man, that guy got rich and famous off of that.

Yeah, I sure did. Good for him. It is at this point that one of the women leans over to her companions and loudly whispers, I don't think this is the Princess Diaries. It's the Princess Diaries set in New Jersey. Is Brian O'Henai?

Calleran and the Princess Diary. Oh, no, you know what? No, he's not. Oh, my God. And Kevin Smith asks, the Duke. The Silent Duke. The Silent Duke. And Jason Mews as Mia Thermopolis.

They look back at us, and my brother politely informs them that they are, in fact, in the wrong theater. We managed to keep from laughing until they were out the door. The movie may have been a piece of garbage, but it's one of my favorite things that ever happened. at a movie theater. Thanks for the countless hours of entertainment, Emily and Brooklyn. There you go. Thank you for the letter. Actually, if you subtract, if you divide countless hours of entertainment by $8 a month,

that's not that much. Oh, wow. Smooth. Yeah, no, don't worry about that. Also, just so you know, you cool kids out there, that really happened, and you could go to the Somerville Pax. Old lady's going wrong movie theater, question mark. Has anyone ever been in a wrong movie theater? You ever sit down and you get to the wrong theater?

No, that's never happened to me. Me neither, actually. No, I'm just such a diligent moviegoer. Yeah, I'm not going to do that. Yeah, I don't think that's happened to me before. I got a fucking brain in my head. Jesus, I don't know. No, it's just never happening.

Well, if you ever go to the wrong movie theater, right in. Now, we don't need to read any more of those. Whoa. Because one of the odds, it's as funny as that. You're as cold as that. Movie crying. Hey guys, I was listening to your Dragon Heart episode. By the way, special guest Mark Sadek on that episode, Steve's brother.

Missed that Mark Sado. At a job for whiskey. That's him on Twitter. A job for whiskey, right? You sort of ate it. Oh, not a jub. It's a job. The job for whiskey.

At a job for whiskey. It's all one word actually. A job for whiskey. A dragon heart episode and was inspired to write in to tell you about the first time ever cried in a movie. the year 1998, the movie WHM favorite Godzilla.

Your God. I was an eight-year-old boy and was obviously obsessed with dinosaurs and monsters. And the baby, the total babe, Chris Cabin. That's right.

Yes, I was there too. Cub favorite, Chris Cabin. So when I saw that there was a movie starring what was basically a giant dinosaur monster, I couldn't wait to go. I didn't care about all the dumb people,

but I love. loved that that stupid lizard. I even had the novelization of this movie. Nice. That ain't bad. That's a good Christmas. Does that have all the McDonald's appearances in it as well? It's just, it's like brackets, McDonald's. They are eating McDonald's.

This page just says McDonald's over and over again. It's the only color page in the book and it's a golden arch. They fought the baby Godzilla's outside of a McDonald's and an anteant. And now this page just says, no McDonald's makes, makes Godzilla writer go crazy a dull boy my mom took me to see it and I was so excited and happy that is

until Godzilla seemingly gets killed by a submarine I burst into tears heartbroken that in my mind the hero of the movie had been murdered my mom managed to calm me down and keep watching and wouldn't you know it Godzilla triumphantly returned I was overjoyed

then they did it to me again Godzilla was killed and they There was no coming back. I started sobbing hysterically. It was the beauty of Chris Cabin killed the beast. Doesn't he die at a bridge? Is that it? I think he dies on a bridge, yeah.

They get him like wrapped up in the... Wrapped up in garbage bags. Your friend Godzilla is dead on a bridge. Why won't the sunset? Wrapped up in Staten Island. Oh, yeah. That's where you just... They put a nice...

racist house on top of them. I started sobbing hysterically and there was no consoling me. That dumb raptor egg hatching at the end wasn't good enough, obviously. As we were leaving the theater, an employee saw me crying and asked, oh, poor kid, was it too scary?

My mom simply said, no, he's just sad because Godzilla died. They cut off what the guy's response was, which was the fuck. Crabble. Thanks, guys. You got the best podcast around. Charlie from New Hampshire.

All right, let's think about this. When is the... We might have done this in the Dragon Heart episode. Did we say when the first time we cried in the movie was? Probably not. I think we've mentioned that before. I don't think that I cried watching Dragon Harbor. Yeah, I don't actually think we were talking.

So what was the first movie you ever cried at? Oh, Jesus. I don't... That's tough. Zepruder film? Always goes back. Armageddon for me I was bawling in that movie

You know what? Let me tell you, that's funny I remember seeing Armageddon in the theater and he fucking closes that stupid door on Ben Affle And I wasn't feeling it And then I turned I was sitting there went with a bunch of family And I turned I had There was an aunt sitting next to me

And I turned to my aunt and she was sobbing And the look of her sobbing in the movie Made me lose it Oh wow Yeah, yeah But it wasn't Armageddon that shed the tears Serious answer would be Edward Scissorhands, I think. That's a, that's a, that's a, that's a, that's a, that's a respect.

That'll make you cry. I actually don't think I have, I'm trying to think of the last time. I was to say, have you never cried in a movie, Chris? That might actually be true. Since I was a kid, like, Fox in the Hound. Like, when I was a baby, like Fox and the Hound. Oh, and it was baby shit, I cried. What about adult movies you watch at home?

Any crying? No, no, not at home. In the theater? I will say, I came. I also. came very, very close in Armageddon. And it was... Armageddon?

Yes, I came loudly in Armageddon. Come on. Especially when... I can stay awake. Oh! Man, edge during that whole thing. It's tough. Dude, that's a four-hour movie.

It's a long movie to edge through, man. That's like, that's advanced level edging right there. But hey, Billy Bob Thornton's in it, so it makes it a little easier. It does. But it was a similar situation where, like, I... My girlfriend at the time, like, was sobbing. Oh, yeah. I was just like, look.

I was like, oh. I'm crying a lot more of things. I cried at the end of Stranger Things for some reason. Really? It got me, man. Wow. You know, music and people like putting together, putting their friends. Putting their friends to rest.

That's just kind of, you know. I just remembered one when, I don't know why, because it's not necessarily music, but, and it wasn't the first time I cried in a movie, I don't think. No, because this is after Armageddon, I guess. but the Disney hockey movie Miracle. Oh, sure. When Kurt Russell goes off the ice and he gets like halfway down the hallway and he sits, he like collapses and starts crying, holy tits, I lost it. I thought of one actually.

Nice. And an adult one too. It was that seven-minute bang bus preview video you watched. Not that stupid baby shit. No, when the house is disappearing in internal sunshine of the spotless mind, and that really like soft piano songs going, John Bryan, of course. Yeah, I was bawling like a baby. All right.

There you go. So we've done it. We got hearts. See, we do. Let's keep this going, Steve Sadek. Okay, bad movie dates. To the extreme. Oh, shit.

Guitar solo. Dearest W.HM. Thank you so much for providing some sanity in an insane world. You got that straight. Yeah, I cannot imagine my morning commute on Tuesday without your newest episode and the on screens and mailbacks. just make the week even better. Please make Steve Bannon not take us off the year. We're just going to try our best to exist in this world here.

He'd have to shoot me in the fucking head. He just might. Hey, he just might. He'd be worth it. I'm a single guy in the big city. Oh, I like that. Hey, Chris Cabin. Yeah.

Oh, nothing. Which means they use online dating sites on occasion. On occasion. Come on. Come on. That shit's bookmars. On occasion. You're on it right now.

You type WWW into this space It just clears it It's a fucking home page Sorry A few months back I started chatting with a girl And we hit it off pretty well

I eventually worked with the courage To ask her out And we had at lunch together It went extremely well And we went to go see a movie together The following weekend That's nice Fuck yeah

That went even better And I started to think I had found somebody I could really relate to Then we did a movie at her apartment. And she had Stephen Bannon posters all over the place. And she took off her face mask

and she had Steve Bannon nose. She had a face mask? Were you dating Kane? That's stupid. She didn't even Sorry, I don't know where I was. She didn't even give me a choice of movies. It was X-Man.

Like 2000? Yep. That's what it sounds like. Which, don't get me wrong. It's a good enough movie, but it seemed odd for a date night movie. Sure. Until we finished it, and she told me to stay seated. I expected some kind of sexy shenanigans to begin. Yeah, I'm

getting titillated. Uh-huh. But I was wrong. She just put in X2 in the DVD player and started playing it. What? Again, enjoyable movie, but I was... This is like a five-hour investment. Yeah, I mean, both of those movies are two plus. Plus, you're talking... You're going to the bathroom

at least one story in the movie. Please pause it. Right. I'm thinking, but I'm thinking... Don't pause it. But an hour into X2, you must be thinking, okay, I have to, like, I just have to bear it, and then I get sexy times at the end.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Excuse me, I got to take an X2 of my own. That's a mutant shit. Hey, Lady Dead Strike drowning in that pool doing anything for you? What about Brian Cox strapped to that wall? Here comes the wave. There's nothing out there for you, Wolverine.

Brian Cox's character, who would have thought that that character would be played by 14 different actors? Dude, every time that fucking striker comes up, I'm like, Jesus Christ, here he is again. I finally saw Apocalypse and when he came out, he just shitting me. Dude, he's like fucking Waldo in all sorts of time periods. I got to say, though, I thought it was a decent, enjoyable X-Men movie. Like that X-Men Apocalypse quite a bit. like it. We like it here on the We Hate Movies. X2 ended and it was almost midnight. And I thought

about going for a kiss. I mean, come on, dude. This is a, this is during the movie kind of stuff. Yeah, totally. You make some kind of, you know, watch a movies with X in it. Yeah, come on. There's something. Oh, yeah, we're about to get on the third one, right? But it was instantly thwarted. She stood up again and put in X3.

Oh, no, three X's! At this point, we have to have a conversation. What is going on here? The last stand? That sucks. And also, I don't know if it's like, it's accurate or he's just writing it this way. Are we watching standard deaf DVDs? Is that what's going on? That sucks.

Well, jokes on you. Kelsey Grammer gets me hard as a rock. Also, does making out during the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, Auschwitz sequences count does make it out during Shindler's this kind of? That's pretty close. Funny you mentioned that, Eric. Here we go. The second amount, Brian Cox's striker shows up.

a bunch, but I think Auschwitz might edge it out in terms of like appearances in X-Men movies. It's like that location is a character. It's like sometimes you say the city's a character. New York, yeah. New York is a good. Yeah. Supported role.

Oshowitz is one of the most powerful X-Men. All right. So where is this going? She stood up and put on X-3. I marathon them all every few weekends. These movies are really important to me. Okay, here's the thing.

that's fine sure it's fine it's fine it's okay to like a movie we've said that a lot it's totally just just make sure you watch or make your drinks is all i'm saying also advance notice mandatory yeah the absolute minimum mandatory is hey let's go back to my place and i'm going to show you six hours of x-men movies and i'm sorry long term think long term here, people. If he, if this is going to keep on going on, is he now going to have to watch X1, 2, 3, and then first class and then fucking days of future pass? Keep reading the email. We get there. You know what, fucking spoiler alert. How about that? How about that X-Men movie? Read a fucking email. But to your point, Chris, that's, yeah, yeah. And we're talking

every few weeks. Jesus, Chris, listen, I love. Once a year is something. I love the back to the future movies. Back to the future is my favorite movie of all time. The other two, whatever, I still have a place for them in my heart. And yeah, I go through a maybe once a year. This every few weekends nonsense, that's psychotic. And it's starting at 8 p.m. That's a 3.30 a.m. getting out of time.

And then nobody's doing nothing. Talk about too tired to fuck. Wait, were we talking about two times? We were actually talking about earlier. today. I thought about leaving at this point, but I really did like this girl, and I thought that maybe this is a weird quirk I can see past.

Every few weekends, friend, every few weeks of us. I mean, this is as bad as eating cushion. No, it's not. My strange addiction. This is my strange addiction, yeah. Like, if she's going to marathon those movies every few weeks and you are in a relationship at this point, like, that's when you have your guys.

You're going out to the bar with the buddies. Or I'm waiting outside until you go to sleep. Well, that's a waste of time. Well, yeah. That's weird, man. Now, if she needs somebody there with her to do it, that's a problem. And you have to leave immediately.

I don't trust myself to watch these X-Men movies alone. That went out the window by the end of the night, or should I say, the next afternoon? We watched every single X-Men movie, not including Apocalypse, since they didn't have it on DVD yet. God damn it, get a Blu-ray player. I should, I don't know why I. didn't leave. We're talking the Wolverine movies now at this point. Dude, this guy's being held hostage.

I don't know why I didn't leave. I guess fear mixed with some small hope that this was leading somewhere. Where could it leave? Deadpool on home video? I mean, like, I guess the thing is like, oh, you know, it's that thing when you're like waiting for something. It's like, well, I've already waited two hours. I might as well wait. I might as well continue to wait to not have sex.

There were no breaks for food, drinks, or the bad. That's This is getting a little bit. Somebody must have gone to the... Question, sir. Question, sir. Were you chained to a chair? Give us the whole fight.

She's into it. How can you not get up to go to the bathroom? You have to. I go to the bathroom six times. He went to the bathroom during this mailbag like four times. You don't hear it. We edit it out. Oh, sure.

Seamless. That's why you get that dead air out of here, man. I don't think she... Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, the bathroom. I farted a few times and she never noticed. Well, great. Well, thanks for that sentence.

She would have definitely told you if she noticed, too. I don't know. She might have noticed. I'm thinking she noticed. Yeah. The other day, actually, yesterday I was saying good night. Saying good night to a female co-workers. She was like, good night.

And I went to wave good night. And I opened my mouth and a huge burpice came my mouth and nothing else. And I was like, oh my God. And what did you say after that? This is like, hi, good night. Good night. What the fuck is the matter? I just had a seltzer.

It was a very carbure. I didn't need a drink. I didn't need to see him coming. I was going to say, did she just eat a pig nose? Ew. Chewing on Steve Bannon's nose. Blah, blah, blah, blah. I don't think she noticed me at all during those movies.

When Days of the Future Past ended, that movie is like three hours long. Jesus Christ. You know, Peter Dinklage cannot. Once we get into the new timelines, it's like, you know what? Fair Trask, you mean? Yes, exactly. Oh, yeah, that's right. when he goes from that heavyset black gentleman to Peter Dinklidge.

Is that Bill Duke? Oh, it is Bill Duke. You're totally right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was kind of falling asleep, but started ahead for the door, I'm expecting her to attack me with a replica Wolverine Clause or to try to stuff me in some kind of bizarre weapon X tank and replace my bones as adamantium. I'd be okay with that. You got animantium bones. But instead, she just said goodbye and thank me for a great time.

I went home to sleep for a few hours, winging up to a text message from her. Thanks so much for an amazing date. I can't wait to see you. Up for a marathon of Star Wars, question mark. Smiley face. And you know that's all six movies. That's seven.

That's seven. At this point, at this point. And you're getting that goddamn Clone Wars cartoon movie. Maybe, uh, the Ewarks. The Ewarks. She might have the tapes.

Oh, man. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. All right. I might be up for that. I still believe that maybe this was her way of scaring me off. Maybe she didn't like me and wanted to freak me out rather than letting me down easy.

But man, man, she may be. really likes demarathons of movies. Here's the thing. That's it. No, no answer there. This is, this is an insufficient email. Okay. Oh shit, demerits.

It's a total demerit because what the hell happened? Incomplete assignment. Yeah, like did you stop talking to her? Did you do the Star Wars Marathon or didn't you? I'm assuming he did not. He did not. I mean. They never talked again. No, I don't think he never answered that.

You guys aren't romantics like me. No, no, no, no. Dude, that's the thing. They did Star Wars, right? And then they finally made love. And then the next weekend, all the earnest movies. I think they have a falling out, and he has to run to Comic Con to embrace her. And then they decided to do all of Star Trek, and they don't leave the house for two weeks, and they die in their own.

Yeah, man. It's poetic. Can we just watch fucking train spotting? Just a one-off. I want a one-off for once. You know that sequel's coming out. God, I got a one-off. Do you want to, hey, let's watch Uncle Buck.

No, we have to watch all the John Candy movies. Let me tell you, that train spotting teaser, that train spotting two teaser is the best teaser ever made. It is Danny Boyle, too, right? He's directing it. I didn't even bother to watch that. Oh, it's awesome, dude. It looks good. It's awesome.

Anyway, so that's the last one of the night. Last email, and then we got a surprise at the end. All right. Man of the House story. Oh, boy. Hey, dudes. How many people here know what this email is? I don't know.

I know the movie. I'm far too busy to read these emails. I do. Back in 2000. Hey, this is getting good. This is getting good. Here we go. All right.

All right. All right. You're a total babe. All right. Thank you. I'm a fucking star. Did that before I got on. You go home.

You know, mother. Somebody called me a total. babe on the internet today was that me going home to my wife yeah you're putting your hat on on that rack there

she goes shut up you whore and then he goes to the bathroom man you do a good my wife borat very nice

and then you go to the bathroom and you edge the night away watching X-Men movies oh that is that is some prime edging right there dude your fucking insides would

blowed. Not even Sting could handle that. That's how spontaneous combustion happens. It's hardest in every sense when Leav Schreiber comes on screen. Oh, sure. Of course. Yeah. Are you fucking kidding me? Maybe we should read this. Yeah, sure.

Back in 2005, someone spent 40 million on a movie wherein Tommy Lee Jones protects a bunch of college cheerleaders who were witness to a murder. Oh, I remember this movie. I'm a mayor to the house. Hey! Get your cheerleaders out there. I don't care.

Did I just snipe you? Yeah, I like it, though. All right. I like it. Good sniper. Well, when my friend Kate wanted to see it, I obliged for some reason. I can't tell you... Because you're a good friend of Kate's.

Yes. Maybe lusted after her as well. Oh, that could be. You never know. I can't tell you anything about the movie except Old Melty face. Yikes. Are you talking about Christine Milan in that? I don't face.

Old Meltie face was in his surly prime, and a dude in the row in front of us started pleasuring himself during a scene that included the young ladies in revealing clothing. Stop! Now, if this next sense isn't, I dashed for the door. Can we fact-check this on the Somerville Times or what? Maybe, I don't know. Get on that X-Men story, too.

Summerville Times' old. Give me some research. Give me some good research. So you can dig up about that. All right. When another patron called him out, he adamantly denied it. That's what they all do. Thank you for supporting our Patreon, by the way.

People started shouting. No, I'm not. What are you talking about? Why? No, I will not make out with you. I was just itchy guys. God, I was itchy. I'm just trying to find the right amount of change in my pocket.

to buy a bubblegum afterwards. And it made me grunt. Ew. People started shouting and the movie stopped. The lights came up. Wow. This is a scene. There it was.

A flaccid penis wriggling down the steps of the theater. Yeah, that was a long penis. Did I leave before he did? Is he old melty face? Oh, man. He's just running down the theater, left, right, Dick, left, right, dick, bounce, bounce, got to get out of here. Snuck into a screening of his own film just to see, just see the audience reaction and then

started jerking on it. I'm masturbating in the theater. I'm hung like a horse. They had to cover a lot of it up during U.S. Marshals. Dude, you know what he was definitely jerking off when he's in that chicken suit in U.S. Marshall? Yeah, for sure. God, that's a humiliating time to be Tommy Lee Jones.

Eo. Clucking a bucket out. A flaccid. Okay, so let me reread this part. A flaccid penis wriggling down the step. of the theater as the man fled. Yeah, I needed that a second time. Sure, yeah, I thought that that was for you.

He was stopped by security as well he should have been. And as his screams subsided, his screams. No! No! I want to finish! I was framed! Framed! This is rigged!

It's rigged, okay? I was not jerking off to my own daughter. if I don't care. That I would love if that's the thing. That's the inevitable, impeachable offense. He's jerking off in a movie theater. I will say I would shout, lock him up if somebody was jerking up in a

theater and is escorted by security out. Oh, Fred Willard? Oh, no. He's okay. He's America's grandpa. Pee Wee Herman, he's America's pervert. But I like him. He's got Netflix. But those were both theaters wherein that was all right. That's what I understand.

what the big deal was. Who was making the complaint in that case? You're all there for the same reason. I was there for the story. The one guy in the history of pornography that was there for the story busted both Paul Rubens and fucking Yeah, but you're not supposed to jerk off to a

PG-13 quirky comedy wherein Tommy Lee Jones puts a bunch of cheerleaders in witness protection. No, I'm not saying this guy was right. No, no, I know. This guy looks like a testicle. Tommy Lee Jones. So you're like, well, If that one's out, why not these two? Let it all hang out.

Gross. Okay. As this screams subsided, us survivors were left puzzled and traumatized. A manager came out and said they would restart the movie where it left off, but none of the other 10 people seemed like they could continue. We were given free passes, which I believe we used to see a hitchhiker's guy,

which I kind of like, actually. I'd rather watch someone jerk off again. I do in between. I want to see someone jerk off at that. I mean, Sam Rockwell, I mean, come on. We were given, so I guess I came out on top. Did you? But now I can't see the University of Texas Colors or Tommy Lee Jones without vivid

flashbacks of a floppy circumcised Johnson. God bless, MJ. I appreciate the detail that we got the circumcised. paint a picture in these emails guys please do please do well that just goes along with good writing you know descriptive as possible now the last thing for the evening

we got actual snail mail correspondence right here got ourselves a postcard oh wow I'm afraid of that addressed to the gang it we hate movies signed by wait what is this the zodiac no from Chris and Sarah

so I opened up this postcard I got delivered to my office. What's a return address on that? It's, uh, yeah, seven, it's him. Uh, dated October 3rd, 2016. That's a little bit of, go. Hey, gang, greetings from Jolly Old England. Wow.

My husband and I have been fans of your podcast for years. You've even read a couple of his emails on the mailback. A couple. A couple. A problem, yeah. Uh, we're American, but live in Germany and are currently on holiday in Yorkshire. you're American and you're saying

on holiday by the way I think we can fucking can that thank you very much oh no no that goes your citizenship assholes in Trump's America that's a lift it's not a lift

it's an elevator get him out of here okay get him out of here it's not a loo it's a fucking can you know what take your water closet and shove it up your ass

I'm not even too hot in the word pop all right it's soda so da I will deport you if you say pop. You're going to go to the pop camps. And if you're not going to do soda, do Coke. And they're heroes, okay?

Not sandwich, not huggies. We're not doing hoagie fest. No wawa's in my union. If you try to give me a wedge, I will kill you. Since we traveled to this part of Northern England primarily to hike the moors, my husband has become obsessed. Stay off of the moors. With finding a werewolf bar. Nice.

Baldoons, if you will. That's a floated lamb. Also, watch yourself folks at home. You know, this is, can get a little hairy. You're playing with fire. You're playing with fire. You're not a regular alcoholic. You might be shonder.

And also, can I just get in a soapbox for two seconds? Just think we all just skip the American Rail Wolf in London remake with Max Landis? Yeah, you can fucking shove that right up your eyes. Directed by a personified silver spoon. It's sort of like clippy. but for movies. Oh, you're talking about a Marty Sue?

A Marty? He's entirely a Marty Sue. Yeah, I won't see that movie. I'm okay with that. First movie, great movie. Yeah. Yeah. While ancient and atmospheric pubs are plentiful,

everyone is very friendly, and no one gives warnings to depart, so we haven't found a true werewolf bar. Undeterred, we went to, Whitley See photo on card Well that's a very nice town There's a couple of houses

On the water There's like a castle Picture as another castle Is that a tugboat Chris Tugboat? No Lighthouse That looks like a tugboat

They got it all in Whitley You're not allowed to tugboat at my movies Or maybe it's Wittby Handwriters I don't care I was jerking off to your movie It's a clone of Tommy Lee Jones Jerking off at a Tommy Lee Jones

Oh, that's perfect. And then they go back and forth and fight each other. I think that's the plot of men in black four coming soon. The violence these days, you just can't imagine. It's a ball chittian. Yeah, Whitby, which was a major setting in Bramstooker's Dracula, the book, not the shitty Coppola film, or the excellent Todd Browning film. So, Dracula Bar, I can say we hit every pub in the city with no Dracula's in sight.

That's a bummer. Many pubs were overrun by adorable. dogs, though, so have a werewolf bar? You know, for the werewolf bar, I think the dog needs to be kind of, like, either lethargic or sick. Yes. Or, you know, an alcoholic dog.

I mean, and this is, you know, don't do this, but if you happen to kill that dog and it turns into a person, then you know. If a naked dude is there, where the dog was, that turns out. That happened to me once. So, yeah, if you're at a bar with a naked person on the floor, then that counts,

I think. That happened to me twice. We are now, writing from York, the most haunted city in Europe. So ghost bar? Problem is we do not know how to identify a ghost bar. Would it just appear empty? Would we see Dan Aykroyd

getting a ghost beege? Please advise your humble servants, Chris and Sarah. Oh, I like that. Servants. We need some for the afterlife. Well, you're amassing a whole horde, aren't you? I got it. I think a ghost bar, a ghost bar

is a situation where it's like you walk in. It's totally empty. You hustle up to the bar, you get yourself a beer, and then you turn around, and where did those six people in the back come from? You ever have that happen to you in a bar where, like, you think it's empty, but then there's people there

hiding behind like a pinball machine or something, you didn't see them? I think it's also pretty damp in a ghost bar. Oh, yeah, yeah. There's a lot of moisture. I mean, there might even be rugs. There's a great ghost bar in the Shining. There is. Oh, that's right. What'll it be, sir? Hair of the dog that bit me, Lloyd.

If you get a bathroom attendant in an empty hotel. If you have a very red bathroom. That's true. I want you to kill your whole family. If a British man weirdly drops the N-word in a bathroom while it's cleaning off your jacket, you're like, where did that come from? I thought we were just trying to kill my family. You're in a ghost bun.

That's how you know. And probably, if you're really looking for it, I would say most likely, as far as like just amassing the amount of dead people, Louisiana. Oh, sure. Period. If you want to ghost bars, I think they're plentiful there. That's WHM Mailbag for the month of November, everybody. Again, if you have questions for the crew of We Hate Movies or want your wacky stories, red on the air.

We All Hate Movies at gmail.com. Until next time, I'm Andrew Juppin. Steven Say that. Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. Take it easy. Thank you.