We Hate Movies - S7: WHM Mail Bag - Potentially Lethal Duck Movies, Cinematic Conspiracy Theories, and Confirmation on Amy Adams' Niceness

Episode Date: February 1, 2017

On this month's Mail Bag, the guys read letters about cinematic conspiracy theories, Amy Adams being pleasant at a coffee shop, someone almost dying watching Howard the Duck, phony film professors, Thomas Haden Church crushing children's dreams, and much more! If you want your weird stories read on the air, or have burning questions for the gang, write in to the Mail Bag: [e-mail]!Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. W.J.M. Mailbag, everybody. I'm Andrew Juven, alongside Christopher Cabin, Eric Siska, and Stephen Sayatic. We are recording from the HeadGum Studios here in beautiful Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. Again, we're happy to be on HeadGum.

This is a new relationship, and we just debuted with Independence Day Resurgents. Yeah, so there you go. It's a fruitful relationship. A what? A fruitful. Oh, fruitful. I thought you said fru-fru-fru. A fru or foodful. It's going to be fruitful. It's always foodful. us here. I love food. And I appreciate the fact that, you know, I kicked off, you know, kicked

over their China hutch. They really have no reason to like me. No one has any reason to like you, Chris. Oh, that's not nice to say, Steve. So, okay, so, you know, this is the mailbag. We read emails that people like you, the listener, the gentle listener, send us. So Steve Zaidat, kick us off with this one. Howard the Duck nearly killed my friend. Hey guys, I'll go ahead and get the praise out of the way here. I'm going to skip that part. Yeah, just, you know what? That's fine. Hey, thanks. I just want to at least let everyone know that this person likes me.

It was the summer of 2008. I was working at our local Taco Bell. Nice job. A lot of... That's like, it's... I almost said it was a dream job. It's not a dream. It's not a dream job.

But like, worst case scenario, if I was working at a Taco Bell, that's pretty cool. Speaking of a food full. When you just be ransacking all the hot sauces? Yeah, I'd be fired. The mild and the hot. So cut to six. months from now. A lot of my friends had come back

from college for the summer to work. My friend Eric, not this, Eric, invited me to a mutual friend, Kurt, over his house to watch some movies and drink a few tall glasses of water. Now, I just need to say this. Yeah, we got to clear it up. A lot of people are saying, a tall glass of water is marijuana.

Well, well, let's just say it's marijuana. Allegedly. You can't prove anything. But you know what it's not? Is literally drinking something. Yes. Not like drinking a beer. it's uh it's it's a it's a it's a it's smoking something well yeah but there's nothing wrong with drinking liquid yeah and i mean like we only use a tall glass of water so google gets off our ass right you know what i mean if you're if you're in a g chat you're like hey man you want to

bring over a tall glass of water that's how you do that you're not on emperor trump's list um so uh yeah uh good summer fun right we ended up only watching one movie that night howard the duck which we should plug by the way that's the whole point I'm yeah yeah yeah so March the March the 4th we're at the bell house

still a couple of tickets of them just a few handful I want to jump on that a bill a duck bill that's the bellhouse n.com for tickets

but how are the duck we sat and enjoyed the film like anyone would by laughing hysterically a duck boobs Jeffrey Jones shooting fire at his eyes and the film's attempt

to make bestiality I'm assuming that's correct spelling I assume that's correct spelling I Googled the word to double check and I'm pretty sure I'm on a list now yes you are on a list with Jeffrey Jones did he spell it right let me see actually I don't

think so resident bestiality expert Chris Gavin so I will say about this no I don't know come off is fun and lighthearted I can't recall the movie in much greater detail as I haven't seen it since that night You know what? You did a fine job. By the time we had selected a movie to watch through to the end, it was pretty late, and we decided to call it a night.

The next morning, Eric and I showed up for work as normal, but our friend Kirk was a no show. Oh, man. No call, no show at Taco Bell, man. That's not how you're going to keep that job. Especially once they win the fast food wars. No more gorditas for you. We're going to dock you approximately six gorditas. About that time, the store manager let us know that she'd be on the phone with Kirk's parents.

and they would let us know that he wouldn't be in for work and left it at that no big deal we thought probably just sick and sleeping it off it wasn't until after work there was that Kirk's lung had collapsed suddenly in his sleep

and nearly died apparently this is something that can occur to tall thin people like Kurt something I nor anyone reading this will ever have to worry too hard about you know what the parentheticals you know what they got you pegs to eat more Taco Bell solves everything

you keep your lungs intact I don't want my lung to collapse better eat more Gordon. Yeah, you just need that fatter rim, out of rim of the blubber. I'll take a number six and I'll have another double-decker taco. I just want to keep my lungs lungs together here. It's for my health.

Yeah, Chalupa and a pack a day. You'll be fine. Just in case a bowling ball falls on my chest while I'm sleeping. He spent a few days in the hospital, but since we didn't know how to get a hold of him, we just sent him a few Get Better Soon texts. We knew he'd get once he got back home. A week or so later, Kurt was back at work And the first thing he said to me

Is that movie fucking nearly killed me Wow I did later watch part of the movie at a friend's house But before banging my knee on a table Pretty good I decided not to tempt fate anymore Well I guess there's like some ring-esque problem with that

It's like a final destination there man Like fucking Tony Todd's watching you know Jeremy from Quincy Illinois Oh actually I do have to say this P.S is a wedding present My cousin Bobby, who introduced me to the show. Well, thanks, cousin Bobby. I bought tickets for, uh, bought me tickets to your show in Chicago for Predator 2.

I actually saw Andrew and Eric before the show, but it was in the bathroom of the venue. And I didn't feel like gushing over the show while we all had our dicks out. And the best, uh, and I felt that was not the best way to introduce myself. Good move. Good, good, good move. You thought wrong. You know what, I don't need anyone gushing in a bathroom. I met a, uh, I met a, uh, I met a, we eight movies fan in the bathroom.

Oh, yeah? At Sturgle Simpson concert in Brooklyn, it was good. Yeah, yeah. You got to be by the sink, though. Eric shakes dicks with everybody. Yeah, you got to get out there, shake some dicks. Listen, you need a firm dick shake. I know.

And you meet someone. I'm not, I'm not, you know, judging you for it. I just know that you're a fan. Note to everyone, regardless of what Eric says, don't fucking talk to me in the bathroom. Yeah, I mean, like. Only if he's in the stall. Well, Lou, you did fine. It was by the sinks.

Yeah, that's fine. Well, then he's talking to his buddy. His bathroom. Oh, you're a guy I met in the bathroom. Let's continue. This sort of reminds me of I went to the dentist like 10 years ago or more than that, as you can tell. No, a while back, and right before he's about to put me under, he's like, you're not allergic to anesthesia. I'm like, I don't think so.

And he's like, oh, good. Last time I did this, it was a six-year-old girl. And I put her under and then she had a heart attack and died the next day. All right. Let's get into it. Now go into the abyss. How did it, wait a second, I'm sorry, how did someone talking to Eric in the bathroom remind you about this murderous dentist? The guy that's the collapsed lung there.

Oh, the collapsed lung. See, because we were talking about the male. Eric's friend from the bathroom also died of a heart attack for different reasons. It was just an odd thing to say for a dentist. You know, I mean, ask if I'm allergic to anesthesia, absolutely. Yeah. Not, you know, that you killed a girl. Yeah, and right when you're about to be knocked out, that's not a good time.

I don't want to hear about, like, the marks on your track record. The last person I did this, too, wasn't heard from again. Gazz. All right, Eric. The next one is called Stay Puff Truthers. Hey, guys. Love the podcast. Thanks for listening.

Thank you. So I was saying today about the post credits world are the first Ghostbusters, as most people do when they have downtime. And I started to think about how people would have reacted to a 55. but marshmallow man stomping through the streets in New York City. The conspiracy theories to come out of that would be insane. I mean, the official story is that a Sumerian god appeared, manifested a giant snack food mascot only to be vaporized with no witnesses. I didn't see any helicopters up there.

Not one chopper shot, he says. Yeah, and nary copter shot. Not in the nary copters or choppers. I honestly don't know if that's the official story, right? Oh, from what happened? Like, that's what happened. But do people know that? Did the government cover it up?

In Ghostbusters, too, am I wrong? They're ruined by this incident. They are blamed themselves. They said that it was them. They started this whole thing. They were like they unleashed it. Yeah. But how do you explain like the church that got stepped up?

And nobody steps on a church in my town. Exactly. But that church was definitely still demolished. Yes. And that priest's still dead. Yeah, probably a bunch of dead nuns in there, right? I just feel like it's William Atherton probably pushed everything really hard afterwards kind of a thing you know what I mean

he hit the circuits these people ruined our city he was on Fox News every day talking head William Atherton absolutely even Mark Furman talking about the that would be around yeah you know what Mark Furman had a couple of ideas as to who caused that marshmallow incident

but no I feel like actually William Matthew would probably on maybe a CNN situation because he was like a hippie liberal guy worried about the environment right we're supposed to hate his guts because he's like, you shouldn't have a nuclear reactor in the middle of a major metropolitan area. Yeah, you know what?

Atherton had a point with that one. He really did. He might even be on MSNBC at that point. They should shut it down. Move that shit to New Jersey. Exactly. Or just go to Indian Point or whatever. Like, you know, let's just keep everything centralized.

Indian Point, the nuclear facility up by Westchester is closing. Oh, now. There's a vacancy. Now the ghost buster is nowhere to go. Yeah. It's closing, but they're keeping all the waste at it. Yeah. That's great.

Do you still have a nuclear reactor in the new movie or not so much? didn't see that yet. Neil Casey builds some sort of reactive thing I don't really remember. So continuing with the letter

at the end now. Anyway, my guess anyway, I guess my question is what movie universe would have the

craziest conspiracy theories to pop up post credits? Oh, I see. Signed nobody smart moon.

That's how you keep them off your tail. If I ask the hard questions, but don't leave your name.

And also go into a private window if you're going to Google Beasty. You want to go incognito. You want to have that purple mask in the right hand corner of your screen. You know when it looks like a guy in a trench coat?

It's good for two things, looking up conspiracy theories and watching pornoes. And if you must, if you must sign a paper, I would say nickname all the time. I call myself Reckin Ball. Or Reckin Ball is going to find out how to spell Beastiality and a couple of other words. Yeah, I don't know Like, those fucking Marvel movies, right? Avengers is the big one The game, I would think

Oh, with the game? David Fincher's the game? What? If you look out a skyscraper one day, you look And you see Michael Douglas Hurling himself off of a building. Who's a billionaire? A millionaire that everybody knows.

Curls himself off a building crashes into another building and then nothing happens. There's a party. There's a party afterwards. I do feel like those people would have to get run out of town like Carney style if you're one of the game

people. But yeah, I mean, what would there be conspiracy theory be? Like he's in a movie or something. I ended up just filming a movie. Because they don't know what the company is. Nobody knows what the company is. So I would imagine there's all these different theories of what they do,

what they fund. Pardon me. What they fund. Because you go in there for a free survey, right? And they're dangling. They're touching your balls for sure. The dangle. That's one of the first things they ask is like, how often do you masturbate? I mean, James Red Porn's got his fingers in your asshole and you don't

know. Why did they need to know that information? That's how they craft the game Andrew, all right? Start with the basics. A lot of barriers. You know what? You could wrap me up in a pretty tight conspiracy type game without knowing how many times a week I jerk off. I don't think so.

I think you need to know. But would it be worth it? No. But just so you know how many times I'm going to get like a longer shower in? Or maybe like, like could you be like if they put a sexy lady out there or whatever you like or bestiality or whatever

would you spring for it would you engage would you oh I see would you follow that to know what I'm going to fall for they got to map your whole mind James everyone's like how many times a week do you masturbate and Douglas is like how much time you got

you might want to order lunch I definitely have to rewatch the game oh yeah that's a good movie that's a good one Avengers for sure like they got James Eckhouse at the end of that movie being like James Eckhouse the father from Beverly Hills 902-1-0 oh yeah of course don't worry about it he's playing like sub-senator and like thank God for the Avengers I'm like no way no that wouldn't happen so

did they actually now and Daredevil even goes so far as to be like the event in New York but no one ever talks about it no let's just say ISIS that's what you want to fucking say like so much of this would blame it on Hydra mm-hmm oh yeah but like because Hydra would probably run ISIS I imagine Or they would be like, oh, it was those Syrian immigrants. Let's pass the legislation so no metal dragons come in because of those Syrian immigrants. Syria is known for their metal dragons. That wasn't a metal dragon.

That was a thousand babies in armor. Trying to just find a place to live. Any way you can pass the legislation against it. You know who can rip a hole in the sky? The Syrian. I totally agree with you. Another franchise that does that shit that was like those Transformer movies. Oh, my God.

Explain that devastation. How am I supposed to go to work, you know, working 9 to 5 knowing that a car can turn into a robot and fucking cut my hat off? That's a real problem. I'm not going to work that day. I'm looking over my shoulder. Work canceled due to robots. Wait, am I getting on the bus?

Or is this the belly of a monster? Actually, speaking of Ghostbusters, though, I think Ghostbusters too would be like the harder thing to get over. The Statue of Liberty fucking falls down in the middle of the street. By the way, tourism is way down. after that. Oh, yeah, Dickinson's

hand film. After walking around, too, how did those joints work? Oh, of the statue? Yeah, it turns out it's a stupid movie.

Oh, you know, speaking of stupid movies, Ninja Turtles, too, out of the shadows, that's a conspiracy theory. No, like, nobody's business because...

Oh, a big thing appears in the sky. The Technodrome shows up, and the turtles stop it, and then, like, Laura Linney's like, oh, nobody knows, but some people are at an event

with the turtles. Those people are talking. Those people are totally, you're getting a leak left and right. Right, Laura Linney. I don't care what you say. And also, Man of Steelers was like, oh, well, it's just a Superman. Yeah.

And he's just a, he's not an alien who came to Earth to destroy half of our planet or so. Yeah, you need those nut jobs. Where were those nut jobs in BVS? Like, that's like, you know, you have to have more voice from the anti-superman community. Oh, but he's handsome. He's nice. I just feel like anything that has casual aliens in it has to be a huge conspiracy. Like, he-man, casual aliens. Cone heads.

Yes, exactly. What's their deal? Was there a more casual race of aliens than Conads? They're just having that. They were pretty casual. They like to eat a hoagie, just like the rest of them. They got Subway got their money's worth out of that movie. Also, has anybody else seen the Red Dawn remake?

Oh, no. Who do they believe it on that, North Korea? Oh, I've seen that. Or is it the Chinese? It was supposed to be Chinese, and then they changed it to North Korea because they didn't want to give up the Chinese rights. Yeah, the box office. Oh, yeah, that makes total sense. They have a whole scene in it where in the middle of a crisis, they have to stop at a subway.

And the guy is actually calling the guy a sandwich artist. Oh, come on. Yeah, sandwich artist. You put more pepperoni on that. We got to go. No way. Does that have to say something like that happens? If North Korea were to invade and take over the United States, one of the best possible outcomes is we no longer have to say sandwich artists.

All right. So Chris Cabin, moving on here. Amy Adams, niceness confirmed. What I like to read. Hello, gang. Greetings from Los Angeles. I'm a big fan, and I'm so glad you guys came out to do a live show. So are we.

Afterward, I met a damp-shirted Steve and Sadek. A real pleasure. Now, if you don't recall, that's because Steve sort of like half-vomited on a bunch of people from the state. Half-voss. All right. You rule spit vomit. Speaking of conspiracy theories, I was drinking, something went down the wrong pipe. It went spraying everywhere all over the front row.

hitting a woman and you know maybe a baby too i'm not sure i think you probably you ruined her chicken fingers that's for sure she's not eating or maybe she was pregnant she was no more because of that oh come on all right what else here uh real pleasure i hope you all i hope you all get out here again soon we will at some point i am writing to verify that amy adams is the nicest lady in hollywood finally yes confirmation that's what we needed i'm an aspiring writer out here in Los Angeles, which means I work at coffee shops. A few years ago, I worked at a real fancy pants joint

in the wealthy Brentwood neighborhood. Oh my God! Former O.J. Of O.J. Simpson. Next time we go to L.M., definitely driving around Brentwood. We got to drive around Brentwood to see the house. Yeah, we got to get the Ghostbusters.

You morbid fucks. Okay. Noted coffee enthusiast O.J. Simpson, maybe. The wealthy Brentwood neighborhood and as such served numerous celebrities. Some of them were pretty

normal. Christopher guest, Christian Bale. I fucking refused to believe that Christian Bail's normal. How's he had a normal list? No Batman's ever been normal. I mean, I guess the idea is when Christian Bale comes in, everybody tightens and it's like, oh God, here it comes. It's your asshole. Here comes Batman.

And like he orders a coffee and everyone does it exactly right. You could hear a pin drop. He's like, I'll take a little. soy milk and all a squeeze out of it and I was like no other order

is being prepared like every the place like shuts down and it's like make Batman's coffee and get them out of here without strangling

I don't want him to trash my lights man he looks down he looks down at the cup and he's like he looks over at other people everybody else got on Maple Leaf why didn't

I get over oh no all right so yeah some were a little intense and odd Christoph Walt checks out. Makes sense.

And some of them were quirky, self-conscious, but well-meaning. America's greatest white actor, Michael Keaton. Wow, he served two Batman. Wow. You got to get Velikilmer in there. A lot of Batman. Yeah, well, yeah, you have to start serving whiskey if you want Val Kilmer to come in there. Clooney's not showing up, though.

He's got that, like, Nespresso machine that he and Danny DeVito party with. They're just partying with it. They're bringing everywhere. I just imagine that they can only use it if both of them are in the same room and they have to, like, turn their keys at the same time. George, I want a coffee. Get over here. What a little lemon cello in my George.

Oh, yeah. Hello. I was having lemon cellos with George. Clowny. Oh, that's a great viral video. But only a few were truly nice. There's an asterisk. I don't even know where they're.

Don't worry about it. No. One of those people. Okay. One of those people was Amy Adams. Great. Nice. She came into the store.

this was Circa American Hustle. She's the only watchable part of that movie. I would say that's probably accurate. I think it's a totally good movie. Yeah, it's okay. It's fine. All right, all right, all right, all right. In order to coffee.

Then she struck up a conversation with me. We'd both spend time in the Midwest, and we talked about our time out there and our favorite beers from that area. I love that detail that Amy Adams is knowledgeable about beers. Absolutely. That's fucking cool. It's good to know.

I like that. She was genuine, very nice, and so, so polite. She stood. you so much. Oh, you're from the Midwest. I've been there. You've got a lot of nothing out there. You guys like beer, right? Yeah, I like beer. No, I'm not, no, she's not playing a guessing game. She knows what these beers. I, that's what I choose to believe. She stood out as one of my nicest interactions with a customer from that Ritzie neighborhood. Nice. Unfortunately, our conversation was interrupted by another customer who had already been served and was hanging out

in the shop talking loudly into his phone. Hey, you, take a selfie with me. He yelled at American treasure Amy Adams. Clearly not understanding what a selfie was. Take a selfie with me. You, come on. Hey! I'm just picturing some ogre berating this poor woman.

Just barking at a national treasure. A lot of exclamation points in this. If he was doing this, I would be trying to take him down. Amy Adams Graciously agreed That's when you need a Batman in the coffee show One of the few times A Batman wasn't in the coffee

Any of them just chop them right in the throat You should just have one in the back room All the time Or maybe Kevin Conroy was there But nobody noticed Here I'm here Let me do my Batman

Oh my God It's gonna go Oh Amy Adams Graciously agreed Why would you Apologized to me Or the interruption and then took a picture with the guy.

She's amazing. Not only that, but she moved them to a different part of the store where the light was better, so he'd end up with a really good picture. And you know what that is? That's her being incredibly smart because she knows if he gets a good one the first time, he's not going to fucking come back for round two. No matter what, you can't come back. It's a one and done.

Even if it's done. Yeah, exactly. That's my problem. What, you've been getting a lot of them? No, no, I mean, like, literally that's your problem. As a photographer. I had your shot to get your selfie. Don't say selfie to Amy Adams either, please.

Would you mind taking a picture with me? No, it'll be an animal. God. Afterward, she came back over, thanked me for the coffee, and said goodbye. Still goes down as one of the nicest interactions I had at that shop. And I'm sure that if I'd run a podcast at the time and asked her to be on it, she would have thanked me profusely but politely declined. Oh, no, I don't know what those are. That's okay.

Oh, that's so nice. nice of you. I can't do that. I'm really busy with anything else. Oh, is that one of those things that's not a movie? I have a ton of laundry to send out. I have David O. Russell's cell phone number. That's no excuse. I just have a phone number.

I just wanted to let you guys know that you're right on the money with the fact that Amy Adams is a class act. Keep up the good work. Andrew. Yes. Uh-oh. I support you guys on Patreon and want to let you know that I'm... Oh, thank you so much. That's nice. I'm so glad to do so.

You provide me with a lot of great entertainment. I hope that my contribution makes it easier to keep doing that. I'd feel a real Midwest guilt if I didn't mention that on Mother's Day, Jennifer Garner came in, gave us a $100 bill for her $15 coffee order, gave us a $20 tip, and then asked us to use the rest to buy coffee for the customers who came in after her for Mother's Day. Oh, my, that's so nice. She was delightful and gracious and made a lot of people.

Yeah, she's no Amy Adams. But I guess that's okay. He's up there. She's in the same category. She probably stole $100 from Ben Affleck and it was like, I'm going to fucking waste this. I have my own money to waste. I'm a millionaire of my own, but I'm going to waste this son of a bitch's money. That's exactly why she's not up there with Amy Adams.

She's got Affleck stink all over. Oh, my goodness. Good Lord. Yeah, Google. Did that come up when you Googled Beastiality? Affleck stink. The Affleck will spray his mate before penetrating. oh man that's why nobody saw live by night that's one of the reasons uh okay let's see here

spraying a lot man spraying all over the place the kKK's in that huh yeah that's pretty cool it's like gangsters v the kKK essentially yeah yeah how do you fuck that up give that to walter hill yeah that oh that's it three months later he's got you a movie and it's out i wouldn't give anything to walter hill these dude with that fucking michel rodriguez movie that's a story for another day uh all right next letter. Thank you for not racisting. Dear W.H.M

crew, praise B for your podcast. Nothing breaks up a boring 9 to 5 like finding new ways to disguise my cackle. From your impressions to your film school references, to your characters you make up, you never fail to make me laugh out loud. I've listened to your episode for The Watcher five or six times and Keanu yelling as

assistant Brian always takes me out and the mailbag is just everything. Anyway, once upon a time in college, I was forced to take a 101 film class forced. All right. Oh, that I had already taken after transferring from a school, right? I've taken two semesters worth of film. Yeah, that stinks.

While lecturing us on early cinema, D.W. Griffith's innovative shit pile, birth of a nation, came up. And the professor said, yeah, some people think the film is racist, but that's just one opinion. As as one of four black kids in the class,

I immediately got hot. I turned to my also black friend next to me and whispered, girl, have you seen that movie? She shook her head. The KKK is the hero of the film. Isn't the KKK the hero of the film? She raised her hand, but she didn't wait to be called on. The class turned to her, then looked at the professor whose face was about 50 shades of bright pink.

Oh, maybe, he said, changing the slide on his PowerPoint. I haven't actually seen it. He's not qualified to teach this film. Now, this is from the man teaching. Also, if you haven't seen it, why casual, why throw away the one thing everybody? knows about it. Yeah. That's like a racist movie. Okay. Also though, like if you haven't seen it, yeah, you should totally

know that maybe like it's just no. If you're not going to mention the black face and all the other stuff that goes on in that movie, you just do a casual nice fact like, oh you know Raul Walsh played John Wilkes Booth. Yeah, that's a nice little trivia bit. Well, I mean,

also I assume you had a weekend sometime around there. Why not watch the damn movie since it's your job? You had to put together at this fucking PowerPoint. Like, what are you doing? Also, you can just literally look at the poster and you can know that that movie's

racist. Anyway, back to Ghostbusters. And like, everything is about Ghostbusters. That's the only movie he saw. This is from the man teaching development of motion pictures. Development. And he hasn't seen one of the first. I was taught that it was the first, but I read somewhere that it's not, feature

film in the US. So anyway, I was wondering if you guys ever had similar experiences, either in school or in regular conversation where someone just totally misses the point of a film, show something, or has a really unfounded opinion of a movie actor, etc. And it makes you wonder, is this person an idiot?

Thanks for reading, Grace. Now, first of all, yeah, that movie's racist because the clan are the heroes of the film. Sure. That's what that is. And killing black Americans and it is seen as a heroic act in two or three scenes.

It's also responsible for creating this view in like American culture of like the black man as a criminal. right just watch the 13 yeah just go home to watch that's streaming on netflix which this movie isn't but the reason you still teach it in film classes like i do and i've seen it because i'm a fucking professional this idiot i want this dude's name but the reason you teach it one of the reasons is it was innovative in its editing style of cutting in which is like you go from establishing shot to like cut in further into like you know if it's like a establishing shot of a house then we cut inside the house and then we're cutting like shot reverse shot of a conversation it started doing things like that it's a whole horribly racist movie. It's technically innovative. That's the end of it. I don't show it. I just, like, show a clip of it and say, hey, that's racist and let's move on.

But yeah, as far as, like, people, like, getting caught and stuff like that, like, one of the biggest things I found in film school is it was always a pissing contest about, like, who had seen what? And everybody, like, fucking fighting over, like, you know, oh, I saw this. Oh, but did you see that?

Yeah, I saw that too. And eventually you get to this thing where you realize after a while, like, someone's lying about something. You know, like, someone like I definitely caught some folks that like they'd be talking about something and you're like, you haven't seen that fucking movie. What on earth are you even talking about right now? That kind of thing happens quite a bit. I was in a film class once and we were talking about movie sequels and Jamie Kennedy was cracking all these funny jokes and like there was actually no class structure at all. It was just like Jamie Kennedy doing bad Arnold Schwarzenegger

impression. Right. And then the class was over. Oh no, that's Scream 2. I'm sorry. I haven't taken a film class. I've only seen Scream 2 a lot. I was going to say, is that Jimmy Kennedy's experience? What was that show? The experiment. J.K.X. Excuse me.

You better not be fucking lied about it. I haven't seen that. I've never seen it. I just know that in like ads they'd be like next week on JKX. If anybody watched that. Did you know how horrible that is that sketch show? Is it a sketch show? I don't know.

It was a prank show, I think. Oh, is that what it was? Jamie Kennedy is the hero of this show? Oh, no. I haven't seen it. That's why I stopped teaching it. history of modern comedy you know what you can instead teach is that

disastrous New Year's Eve thing he hosted on that like LA syndicated thing that is pretty hilarious or Macy Gray's wasted and like a fucking fight breaks out right when the clock strikes midnight cabin have you never seen this? It's like 2015 or something or 14 maybe it's I have not kept up with the doings of Jamie Kennedy

it was some like L.A. like local syndicated thing and Jamie Kennedy was hosting like a shitty L.A. version of like Dick Clark's rock and New Year's and it got totally out of control and like Macy Gray was singing on it and she was wasted

and then like the end of it he's like all right everybody we're happy new year and then like two people got in a fight like live on camera it was great it was on YouTube for a while I think it probably still is you might want to check that out in between your Googling

okay in between my Googlings Pat and Oswald did an amazing like live tweet like of it being broadcast it was pretty awesome all right the Santa Claus 3 store Oh, oh. Dear, We Hate Movies, first let me preface a story with a quick but important bit of information.

I am one of the youth that you often refer to. I was born in January 1994. Eric just had a heart attack. Everybody help Eric. He just had a heart attack. And thus only get about half of the references you guys make about the late 90s and early 2000s, thankfully. However, you better believe that I get all your wrestling references. But I digress.

I started listening to your podcast in 2015, blah, blah, he likes it a lot. However, back to the prior December. I didn't have a story that accompanied any of the episodes that you had ever done, but after listening to your episode on the Santa Claus 3, I gladly realized that I finally had a story worth sharing. Back in the long and thankfully lost year of 2006, I was young and remarkably stupid kid. I was living in Salt Lake City, Utah, and was thus raised Mormon.

Oh. While not all Mormons are raised as strictly as I was, my mother and my mother certainly censored my view of pop cultures and film. I wasn't allowed to watch the Goonies, Black Caldron or ants. You're fine on all three man. Good job mothering

because they were all too violent or scary. Wow. Ants would keep me up at night. Everybody forgets that massacre scene at the end of ants, man. It's a it's a it's a hive of like those red fire ants and they just fucking eat a kid alive. Hey, Sylvester. Stallone aunt. You want to go commit

genocide? Yeah, let's go eat this little baby. I mean, I forgot that whole the flashback scene to Cambodia and the Goonies. Oh, yeah, that's where the, oh, the sloth origins. Yeah, that's right. It is. Sloth begins. That's a movie.

He yelled, hey, you guys, and got captured. Oh, no. Yeah. They did all sorts of stuff to his genitals. And head. The gang of four didn't say anything. gang of four. Although he did sell a share with that. He did sell a cell.

He did share a sell with John McCain. Oh, wow. That's a little known fact about John McCain. I hate the goonies. I don't like movies about people who are captured. I like people that weren't captured. Chunk. Chunk is weak. So I should just get out of here. Just leave. Data is not a

real American. You know why. All right. I even had to steal my older my older brother's copies of Star Wars and watch them when my parents weren't home. Why did he get to have Star Wars? Why wasn't the brother like Hey man, our parents are at home? Let's watch Star Wars. Secret Star Wars.

Yeah, totally. With all that in mind, my mom took us to see as a family to go see the Santa Claus 3 in theaters. I was 12, nearly 13, and was thus not too into it. You know what? We watched that movie at plus 30 and we weren't that into it either. I don't think any age is appropriate

to watch Santa Claus 3. I don't know that over the goonies. I'd say that is much more demented for certain. I have a question because it's going to come up and I don't know if it's a spelling error or not. So I'm going to read the sentence and you guys tell me if I'm missp- Why is this guy writing that?

I wasn't 12, nearly 13 and was thus not too in it. But thus being a moron I wasn't offended by it. Now, I'm curious, did he meant to say Mormon there? Probably. Right? He says it says moron. Yeah. I mean, I don't know that this person's a moron.

I think he's not I mean like he's like Oh at the time I was a moron Oh yeah He's being a moron Okay I wasn't I mean I thought that might have been a Freudian slip

Yeah Well also I mean we watch I wasn't offended by that movie I'm not a moron That's fucking stupid movie And also he didn't capitalize If it was Yeah that's a good point

It would be a capital M moron in that case Like Steve say that's a capital M more Grow up I have since We watched it And there was more disturbed how bad it is. As a movie

came to a close, my dad began to get all of our stuff together so that he could leave as soon as possible. Oh, yikes. My dad is one of those people who absolutely needs to be the first person out of a whatever venue we're in. Yeah, that's just called dad syndrome. Let's go.

We're leaving. There are multiple instances where there are multiple instances when we would have to talk to him into staying for Stinger's scenes at the end of a movie. He made us leave a jazz game with two minutes left in the fourth so we could beat traffic.

The game ended up going into double overtime and ended with a buzzer beater. Wow. What a piece of shit. I put my finger in my father's chest over that shit. When we got tickets to go see Journey and Cheap Trick, he He demanded. That is a bill, man. That is a

bill. The bill and a half. He demanded once again, we beat traffic and we had to listen to all three encores from the car while we waited to get out of the parking lot. Come on, Dad. like what are you paying for exactly paid money to see those three that's a hundred dollar ticket man come on be the first one out wait wait journey and cheap trick is a hundred dollar ticket that's more like radio station giveaway i think it's also it's utah you're right depending on like it's an auditorium or is it like an outside auditorium welcome to this high school

gymnasium ladies gentlemen cheap trick yeah yeah again journey and cheap drink pay 30 dollars to see that bill in a high school auditorium So America played our college at one point, and that was like $20, maybe. America? Did they really? Yeah. You didn't call me? Oh.

I don't remember that. I certainly wish I did. I also want to know about that jazz game, though, because, like, what era of the jazz are we talking? I'm going to guess 2006-ish. Well, this guy's young. Yeah. Right. Oh, right.

Yeah. So it was probably like a week ago. It's definitely post-stocked to Malone, I'm guessing. And that's what I was like, are you talking to Carlos Boozer? era. Well, that's what I was like, if you're walking out on the mailman, that's one, that's like, that's the said. That sucks, man. But if it's just, you know, yeah, if it was last week, who can care? Uh, I however, blah, blah, blah. So as the Santa Claus 3 ended, and I also hate these people, you'll see this like, as a movie, like, as a third act, people are putting their coats on. Yeah. You don't know. You don't, I mean, like, some movies, you're like, oh, that's the end of the movie. But, like, people leave and miss real information sometimes. Totally. I mean, I don't. Real information. But again, like, you paid a ton of money. You probably, you're fat. You're fat. You're That ass got a bunch of fucking snacks from the concessions, Dan. Like, finish the movie. Finish that movie.

Where else do you have to be you allotted time to leave your house to go see this movie? Maybe the trailers went long. You never know. It makes, to me, it makes more sense if you're doing the basketball game or at the concert. But like, if you're watching Santa Claus 3 and I'm a father, I would go out into the car, do a little Spanish flees. Hang out. Just wait for them to come out. Wait for them to come out.

Yeah, that's a good move. Okay, so as in Santa Claus 3 ended, he stood up to run of the car, determined to beat traffic out of this hardly crowded matinee. I, however, still had some popcorn and a Dr. Pepper that I was determined to finish. Good for you, kid, but you also bring the soda with you. Yeah. Well, I don't know, man, they're Mormons. Maybe you can't have. Actually, wait, Mormons. Isn't Dr. Pepper filled with caffeine? Yeah. What is going on? Maybe, I don't know. Oh, Jesus. He got up, long jumped down the five stairs, then glared up back up at me, and did the dad head flip, which. We are leaving.

Yikes. Don't cross this guy. When those bloopers came up on the screen to my glee and to his horror, I looked at mom and suggested we stay because these could be funny. She rose and said we should probably leave. Yeah, she doesn't want to fucking hear it after you go to bed. Yeah, yeah. You'll go to sleep and this discussion will continue.

She rose. She probably should leave my little brother following in her wake. I, however, was determined to stay. not because I cared about Tim Allen, but because I needed to change my dad's leaving two early ways. Maybe this is like the week after the jazz game and you're like, you know what, Dad? This ends here. He then, this is the driving line. Son McClintock is starting at 5 p.m.

Oh, that's right. He then proceeded to walk to the row in front and lean over and say in a tone, I can only describe as almost yelling that this stupid movie is over. we will be in the car as a family in five minutes holding up his hand presenting all five fingers in my face if you are not there then feel free to walk home holy shit this dude's drawn a line in the sand well you just saw Santa Claus 3 yeah tensions were running high yeah I feel like you gotta give dad a little leeway here I was a shock and through the smell of Diet Coke and red vines I could tell how seriously he how serious he was. And now this Mormon dad

is drinking diet. They're all hepped up on caffeine now. Caffeine and sugar, but they got no idea what to do with themselves. They can't do anything else that I think is the rule. What? Like they can't do alcohol. Yeah. I thought caffeine was in that camp though. I think some, but not all. You know, that might be like the

orthodox. Like the ones who are the branded at birth. Those branded at birth. The re-magic underweared. I just had to watch Santa Claus 3 wearing my magic Mormon glasses. As he walked on the stairs, I decided to call his bluff. Remember, I was a stupid kid.

As I left the theater, 10 cringy and laughless minutes later, I went to our parking stall, which was notably occupied by another vehicle. Wow. That old silver-haired bastard actually did it. Touche. I then proceeded to go to the front desk and call my mom for a ride and was informed that I would have to call my older sister for a ride home. Wow. He burned all the bridges. Wow.

Being adopted, there are boundaries I like to push. This is a very... The third act adoption mentioned, by the way. There are boundaries I like to push. However, I had gambled with my adopted dad's patience and lost. You guys talking about those goddamn bluebirds or whatever they're called, brought it back in the memory, which I now find hilarious. My childhood is filled with stories of me testing my parents' patience, and your episode brought me that one to the surface. I have since empathized with my dad's need to flee the theater that day.

And though I am rarely in a rush to leave anywhere early, I understand his desire to be traffic. Do you guys have any story of your dads losing their patience in public or perhaps even have a your walking home tale? Keep up the hilarious and give up my regards to Eric movie, The Ghost of Chris Cab and Andrew Drupin and fan favorite human super soaker Stephen Zaidag. Now, if no one remembers, that's because one time in L.A., Steve accommodated up. story about it. I did not vomit. Coughed up a liter of water on to a poor young woman. A liter is not

correct. Two liters? Yes, two liters. Okay. So let's answer the question that we were asked, okay? One time, man, I got a lot of memories from this Myrtle Beach planet Hollywood. One time we went and because we would go to Myrtle Beach like every year for vacation, right? So it was like you always

got to drag your idiot kids back to this chain restaurant. And we went in this, it was a particularly tough year. My grandmother had just died. and then it's like so we had like the funeral we did all that and then it was like look we got this thing booked like let's just go

let's get the fuck out of here right so we get down there and wouldn't you know it seven days later six days later whatever it was my great grandmother died oh shit yeah and so my mom was like listen I'll go up I'll be the representation you know she says to my dad like you stay down here with the kids

and just you know whatever so my dad is now left with these three monsters that he has to deal with for like a whole week, right? So he takes us to the planet Hollywood. And they do the thing where it's like, okay, like this is a planet Hollywood, blah, blah, blah. And the waitress is like, like, takes out like, it's a little

like drink menu or something. And she's like, and I'm just going to leave this menu right here in the middle of all your condiments. So we know that the table's still taken. And this way you guys can get up and walk around and look at all the merchandise. And before this woman could put the menu like down to the table, my dad grabbed it in midair and gave

it back to her and just said, that won't be necessary. Because my dad was not walking around looking at movie merchandise. You better believe it. I will say my dad and me went to go see. I mean, my family was pretty practical when it came to movies. Like my mom and dad would go see separate movies if they didn't like the movie that they had chosen. So at this point, my dad had known that Mulan Rouge was going to get nominated for something.

So he was like, all right, let's go see it. And so it was me and him and my mom went to see something else. She went to go see an action movie. Probably. She had to go see Devolition Mandela Probably while smoking a Stoge So my dad and me We get in there

I'm watching the movie About 20 minutes in I'm like this is stupid And like I'm just waiting there I'm like watching it half in half out At one point my dad just comes over Doesn't come over Just whispers in my hair

He's like I'm gonna leave in like 10 minutes I can't do this If you want to say you know You can or do you want to go see something else. I'm like, uh, I want to see something else. So instead of going to see Moulon Rouge, or finishing Moulon Rouge, we went to see the mummy returns.

Oh, nice. Well done. Yeah, step up. Much, much better movie. I don't have as similar of a story, but one thing that comes to mind is, uh, I was once, I was taken to the dentist's office as a child. Oh, yeah. I hear that. Right. You know, like,

I, uh, yes. So, I got out and, uh, you know, my father wasn't there to pick me up. So I was like, huh, so I wait. No, he doesn't seem to be coming. You know what I'll do? I'll start walking down the street. And then when he's driving to pick me up, we'll have a little laugh about it.

This is a mistake. I can smell it already. Five miles later, I got home. Did he like, did he go home like watching TV? Yeah. He just forgot about it. Yeah. That's awesome.

I had witnessed my favorite Iraq. It wasn't my dad, but it was my, friend of mine's dad the most irrational dad argument like you ever see those dad arguments just for the sake of arguing like a dad just for something

my buddy wanted to go to this video game store is like a big retail place called Corners it was like 7 o'clock they closed at like 7ish maybe nobody knew the internet didn't exist

we're driving around he's like hey dad you want to drop me off at corners and he's like well they're probably going to be closed and he's like well no no I think they're open to 7th James they're closed

it's corners they're going to be fucking close. You're not going to corners. And he's like, yeah, you don't know what they are. You don't know what they're old. But I was there at 7th. No, now you're not going to corners. He's going crazy about it. Right. It's like all about not going to corners. You're not going to corners. And then

like, he loses it. And then like, he's like, fine. We'll just go home. And he's like, the dad's just driving. He's like, I don't know. They might be open. What are you talking about? You can't go ape shit like that one second? They just turn around and say they might be open. Drove me nuts. It's amazing.

Do you want to know why I've never seen the end of the Keanu Reeves Gene Hackman filmed The Replacement? Yes, I do. Because you left. Against my own will. Kind of. So what happened was I went to see it with a friend in mine

and it was at the old multiplex that we used to work at Chris Cabin. And it was like a late night show. I'm like a Sunday night or some such business. So there was school to be had the next day. And I got a ride like with this dude like to the theater and his parents were going to pick us up. Yeah. And this guy is like getting into it with his mom. Like the mom was like,

texting like it's late like I'm coming he's like the movie's not over with kind of a thing and like they get in this huge you know brew ha ha and he's like he's like all right yeah like my mom's taking me you know we're going home and I was like I want to stay and watch the end of this movie uh-huh if they win the big game or what have yes see what happens and so he's like all right well we're not your ride then if that's the case and I was like all right all right fine fine And I specified to this dude. I was like, let's just leave. Let me go to the bathroom.

Let me chat in the parking lot. Motherfucker left without me. Oh, wow. I had explicitly agreed to leave this movie and his mom just peeled out. She had somewhere to be, huh? Yeah, home. So then I just called for a ride because in the middle of all this, like I missed like 20 minutes of this fascinating football comedy.

Yes. Very fascinating. There's a great PS on the end of this email, by the way. Okay. P.S. That's PostScript. That's right. Wait, nope, that's not it. Sorry. Should I read it? Yeah, please. P.S., I will reiterate that I was born in 1994 and didn't know what corn, limp biscuit, or Slipknot were.

But thanks to this year's episodes, I went and checked them out. And you know what? They're shit. And I hold you people accountable for putting the idea into my head that I should go check them out. No one told anyone under the age of anything to go listen to this music. It's a, you know, we're a product of our time and we were exposed to that stuff. We weren't encourage anyone else to check it out. I believe we warned profusely that it was garbage. Yes, yes. I mean, you know.

Auditory garbage. Your generation has Justin Bieber. We had Jonathan Davis. Well, it's more like Imagine Dragons, more like like Beaver's pop. So like a big rock and roll asshole. Yeah, yeah, that's a good point. A big rock and roll asshole. All right.

Final one. Here we go. Sandman. killed my dreams. Hello, WHM gang. First off, I started listening to the podcast this year. Thanks a lot.

I've blown through nearly every available episode on Spotify in about a month and a half. I grew up in a house where movies were not super important unless they contained some kind of lesson.

So I feel as if I missed out. Yeah, you definitely did. They all have lessons. You just didn't look hard enough. Not all of them have nudity, but all of you have. Also, how do you know whether or not the film had a lesson?

We're talking like pre-screening. That means your parents lied to it. And the lesson of zoo, Chris, and correct me if I'm wrong here, to not let a horse fuck you in the ass because you might die. I mean, there are several themes being juggled, but that is one of them. Running with pornography, not a great idea. And what is the lesson of birth of a nation? The new one or the old one?

The old one. The old one, be racist. That is the lesson of that movie, actually. All right. They all have lessons. They don't have to be good. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Growing up on bad movies is a rite of passage in the United States, and you all are helping me pay my dues.

You guys have kept me sane and made it so I don't have to talk to my roommate. Yikes. For that, I can never thank you enough. Now, for the reason I'm writing in, I heard you guys like asshole actor stories we do. I grew up in a small... Not Amy Adams, though. No, no, no, no, you'll never hear an asshole tale. The queen? No. I grew up in a small rural town in Texas.

Hunting, football, and church were the favorite pastimes. while my mom was born in Brett my mom was a born in bred Texan my dad was a first generation Korean immigrant turned California pawns sounds like a cool dude I like that guy already since my dad was my main caretaker as a child I didn't care about any of those

things instead I started dancing and doing theater I was in my first community theater production when I was in the seventh grade so when it was announced that a real life movie actor was coming to career day I was over the moon this was two or three years after Spider-Man 3 came out

but superhero movies were something of a rarity then oh the golden age huh yeah when you had like one a year you remember that one every other year even like that's where you want to be not five a year guys in my grade had Spider-Man graphic t-shirts and some

girls still had web stickers on their binders well this high school was Spider-Man crazy never seen a web sticker maybe I'm too old all of this lingering hype for the tragedy that was Spider-Man it was a dark time. Anyways, you might remember Thomas Hayden Church,

the man who played Sandman. Yeah, he's in that show on HBO. Nobody watches divorce. Wasn't he on wings? Yes, he was. Of course he was on wings. He was on Ned and Stacey. Stacey, something wacky's happening this week.

He was, what, nominated for Sideways. He was over Paul Giamondi. That's fucking, fucking. We see each other sometimes. We don't shake hands. Oh, hi. Hi, Thomas. Oh, it's you.

what are you doing here how Sarah Jessica doing I could have been on that show stuck on another one instead all right let's see somehow someone at my school had coerced I say coerced because I'm sure

he didn't volunteer him into speaking at our school he lived in the area and I suppose they'd tracked him down the day arrived oh no they found me Stacey they found me they're going to make me finish the day arrived and my fellow classmates and I were ushered into a large classroom

where four large tables have been arranged into a square with all of our chairs on the outside Mr. Church's name was on the board next to the time of his presentation under that was written resume classes or resume classes I'd never been to a career day before and none of my schools ever hosted after that so I assumed it might be normal to only have one speaker Now, I think that maybe the school was so confident in this catch that they hadn't thought to ask anyone else. Mr. Church arrived about 30 minutes early. Wow.

And one of the classes hadn't come in. He was obviously perturbed and he pulled my math teacher to the side to ask if he could wait somewhere. Every classroom in the vicinity was taken. So she said he could wait in the hall. He didn't. I was sitting with my back to the door so for 15 minutes, Mr. Church just stood behind me. I was... Never see wings?

Stacey, he's never seen wings. Miss the golden age, kid. Do you think Thomas Hayden Church talks to either A, Tim Daly or B, Tony Shalub anymore? They get dick sometimes. No, Eric says no. I'm guessing. To who is Shalub or Daly? Daily.

What about Amy Yazbeck? Anybody talking to Amy Yazbeck anymore? Well, not unless they want to talk to a grave. She's not a lot. I don't know. Why would you just present? I presume that she was dead. Because I hadn't heard from her in a while. She didn't send you a Christmas card this year.

You haven't talked to her either? No. I mean, right. She used to do those yearly Christmas cards and they were wonderful. Oh, mercy. I was too afraid to turn around to see what he was doing back there, but I assume he was slumped dejectedly against the door frame. Finally, the other class came in. We were all thinking it, but Mr. Church actually. said finally i do i i i sympathize with mr hayden church here like he got there 30 minutes early

well listen you get somewhere early because it matters but if they don't have any like a green room yeah to hang out i just find that a little heartily you couldn't find anywhere in the school for this dude to go come on so yeah i i'm agreeing with mr church so far yeah um the other kids filed in and took the table closest to the whiteboard so now all of us were staring at each other from across the room like this was some kind of seventh grade business meeting. Thomas Hayden Church walked to where the kids had just sat down and started motioning for them to stand up.

I'm sure of what to do, terror in their eyes, they did as he asked that smart move. He then lifted the corner of the table up and moved back so he could walk into the middle of our table square. He's probably grumbling at this point, I'm sure. If he wanted to rearrange the classroom,

he had plenty of time. Exactly. Or at least plan your entrance here at this point. Yeah. Knocking all of their chairs over. in the process. The class put the table back to where it had been, effectively trapping Thomas in our table cage,

picked up their chairs and sat down. This was how career days were supposed to be, right? We didn't know. We were so young and naive. To his credit, Thomas Hayden Church did greet us and start with a normal introduction. He told us where he went to school, what movies he'd been in. Probably more your TV work.

He's been in some movies. A couple of movies. Dude, I would be telling everybody I was on wings. Are you kidding me? Ask your parents. It was hilarious. What do you mean? You don't know Ned and Stacy. Something needed to hold

anchor that Tuesday night's slot. And it was wings. Younger listeners might be thinking, oh, corn slip, Matt, let me go back and see what that. Do not go back to wings. No, there's nothing there for you. Come on, Monk was in it.

And I dare you to find fucking Ned and Stacy. I dare you. Uh, bah, blah, blah, blah. And what he did on a movie set on a typical day. Cool. I'd say he did a good job of giving us a realistic look at acting as a job. That's nice. Then came the rest of his speech.

And I'm not sure what happened here. Did he walk in ready to crush our dream? Did he only have a tight five and now he had to find a way to kill time? Why didn't he do crowd work? Why didn't he just leave? He had so many options at his disposal. But what he chose to do is tell us that getting into his position, was impossible, not nearly impossible like the odds were against us, just flat out

impossible. A town like ours didn't have the resources. We clearly didn't have the drive or we'd be at a private school in San Antonio. And he could almost bet none of us had taken acting lessons. You know what? I could bet none of you'd take an acting lesson. This is yelling at 13. I could outact you. I could out act you. You know how difficult it is to be in front of a green screen and pretend you turn into a bunch of sand do you have the ability the drive the ability to capture that

moment and you know what and you know what people are going to tell you differently and that's they're right that's the right but that Jeremy Lipnicki he was one in a million none of you are going to get to his position in this world none of you could act like inanabic objects like sand like I can

raise your hand if you were in Spider-Man three exactly Toby McGuire's in the room. Oh, it's you. The trick he said was to start young and our time had passed. What? Yikes. You know what? He's kind of telling the truth. You got to

get you got to... What it's like? A special speaker at Steven Sade X what it's like. Absolutely. Yeah, somebody's going to tell you. Oh, come on, man. Rodney didn't get big until he was like in his mid-40s. And Harrison Ford was like a carpenter and all that stuff. Yeah. Yeah, you know, they're exceptions to the rules. Plus, everybody hates child actors.

That's true. Let's see. The trick, he said, was to start in our time of past. If our lives were represented by a year's worth of seasons, we seventh graders were in autumn. Furthermore, he said he'd seen our community theater and that it was, quote, amateur hour. More often than not. First of all, how many performances has he been to in this community theater that he hates so much? All of them.

them. Oh, man, it's amateur hour. He's heckling through Joseph and the amazing Technicolor dream code. Just so at cocktail hours he can say, ugh, it's not good. All of this was said as he spun in an almost continuous circle so he could look at all of the students surrounding him. And then

just like that, it was over. He said that film and theater were beautiful arts and that we should support them, that this had been a pleasure and that we were out of time. Then he waited in his table cage for our teachers to remove us from the room.

Quietly sobbing to himself. Wow. That is disturbing. That is creepy. That's nuts. That's the end of the email. That is the end of the email. That's crazy.

That's no way to talk to seven. If you're going to a school, you should try to inspire people, right? I am actually kind of curious, though, these school administrators that were like, oh, you know who we should go after? Thomas Hayden Church. I think I heard him yelling about how,

shitty our community theater is he lives here he lives here oh man I don't know any bad public speaking experience no this is actually kind of cruel to say but I'll say it anyway there was a career day and it was a real we didn't have the resources

at our Catholic school to get a Thomas Hayden church type right so it's just the gym teacher who I hated so that's why I'll tell this cruel story and he's talking about like how hard it is to break into the world of competitive coaching and how he was trying and how he was like 27 28 the time and he's like and he got really emotional and he was already in the autumn of his career but that's the thing

he's like and you know i've had some setbacks in my life which i'm assuming means this job he's at currently he's teaching jim at a fucking catholic school the bronx probably he's like yeah i've had some setbacks in my life and this that and the other thing but one day you're gonna look out on that sideline and you're gonna see me there and like tear rolled down his cheek and everyone was like well that was really uncomfortable oh that's weird it was super weird and to this day he hasn't broken in man oh you know it keep fighting the cards are stacked against them you know yeah i'll say this to all our seventh grade listeners out there who are thinking about starting a podcast you're already in the auto

don't bother don't if you were really serious about it you would have had a whole library show is under your belt already. If you haven't already been in the bathroom with a tape recorder pretending to do radio shows, you can't do this. You just don't have it. You just don't have it. No, no. No, no. Take Chris Cabin's

podcasting course for $3,000. It's getting in there. It's called Getting In There. It's called Getting In There. Guide to Podcasting. Getting in there. I taught a podcasting workshop one time and the entire weekend I was like, you Roobes.

What are you doing here? I mean, I'll take it, but what are you doing? Do you want to make $20 a week? That's W.HM Mailbag for the month of January. Dream big, everyone. Dream big, yeah. That's the lesson learned from this month. If you want your stories read on the air,

have a question for us right into our mailbag. We all hate movies at gmail.com. Until next time, I'm Andrew Jupin. Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. Stephen Sater. Take it easy. That was a hit gum podcast.