We Hate Movies - S7: WHM Mail Bag - WHM Origins, Break-up Recovery Films, and The Absolute Worst Way to Ruin Blade II for Someone

Episode Date: October 26, 2016

On this month's WHM Mail Bag, the guys reveal some WHM origin stories, recommend their favorite post-break-up recovery films, read a story about abhorrent films to watch with your parents, and find out the absolute worst way one human being can ruin Blade II for another. PLUS: Hamster man a-comin'! If you want your questions answered on the air, or have some crazy issues you need us to help you work through on the air, write in to the mail bag: [e-mail]! Cover art by: Felipe SobreiroUnlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

We all go a little mad sometimes. You know, it's Halloween. I guess everyone's entitled one good scare. Sometimes, that is better. Zombies have entered the building. They're at the door. They're coming in! It is time to keep your appointment with the wickerland. They're coming to get you, Barbara. He's sick for fucks. He's seen one too many movies.

Now, Sid, don't you blame the movies. Movies don't create psychos. Movies make psychos. What's the fucking world? It's an excellent day for an exorcism. Hello, everyone, and welcome to the October edition. of the WHM mailbag. I'm Andrew Jupin.

Stephen Sadek. Eric Siska. You were doing something weird with that microphone, by the way. Wait, is this the end of the episode? Why did we do that? That's a good point. And I was just...

It's late. It's late at night. It's late at night. There's a ghost in the studio. Anything can happen. I'll say this, by the way. And, you know, folks at home who like the mailbag, who enjoy the mailbag,

someone made an interesting comment on social media. What's that new? It's like the things like the Facebook and Twitter and whatnot. I think it was on Twitter. Somebody was like you know, I love the show. I never really listened to the mailbag because I didn't think it was as good. But this dude says he finds it

better than the show itself. There you go. Here's the thing. Spread the word about the mailbag gang. This isn't just us lamely answering a couple questions dryly and moving on. This is us telling rich, hilarious stories. I hope so. Well, we'll see what happens. I don't want to get ahead of ourselves.

Yeah, no, it's not going to live up to that. Well, now we'll see what's going on. Steve Sade, kick us off with this month's letter reading. Mailbag question, colon, WHM, men origin. Oh, WHM, man, I like that. Ooh, I can get a show on AMC with that title. That's true. Yeah, we can show everyone that were men. After listening to your great show, look at that. It's become clear there's a history deeper than the inception of WHM.

From what I can gather, Andrew and Chris went to high school together. That's true. And Steve were at the same college, question mark. And that's a question mark that you put in there. And Eric was found abandoned on the church steps and raised by Ben Worcester and Justin J.Ks. Huh. Well, it's half correct. I would like to hear the W.H.M. origin story told through film.

What are the first movies you remember seeing together or connecting over, whether you love or hate? Did Eric and Steve first lock eyes to the sounds of well? White Guy Karate? Did Andrew and Chris watch seven and make a movie with Kling, Kling, Kling, Kling, Kling, Eric Stoltz? Did I just make a joke about child pornography? Thanks for all that you do. Michelle. Wow. Thank you, Michelle. Sure. Yeah, Chris Kavana and I did go to high school together. That's right. Let's have a rich story of the early days.

Yeah, we went to high school together. What's the first movie you remember seeing with Chris Kavana? Almost Famous. Oh, really? It was one of the first movies I remember seeing with Chris Cabin. He had already seen it. Of course, he did. That's what he says about any movie.

You say, hey, did you see this movie? And he's like, yeah, I already saw that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'll go again. Yeah, we became fast friends in high school. And, yeah, we worked together at the old multiplex. I got him a job there. Regretted it every day.

A couple red vests. Yeah. Oh, yeah, dude. We looked sharp. Sharp as sharp as attack. And then he went to purchase college where I then followed him a year later and met you two schmucks. We all went to college together. We did.

We all went to college together. I was on the same floor as Andrew. Andrew wore a lot of bandanas that first year. I knew him as bandana guy. Bandana beard guy. The first, yeah. And then we started almost kind of an impromptu film club on our floor where we watched Charles Bronson movies.

Yeah, that's right. Oh, those were the days, huh? Yeah, we would just, we would rent them there Charles Bronson VHS tapes when you could go to a CD VHS store. There was a mom and pop video store. Was this like 1981? We're all 50 years old. No, no, no.

Do you ever go to that mom and pop video store near campus, Eric? I think I might. It was like kind of near Greenwich. I think I still owe the money for aliens, to be quite honest. There was a big to do about that. I remember trying to return that tape. That was fucking 90 minutes of my life. I'll never get back.

But yeah, we did a lot of Charles Bronson movies. That was kind of the first, if you want to talk about the email here, it's like, what you bonded over. We bonded over Charles Bronson. he's in a bad Charles and Broughts an impression that we break out from time to time

on this show. You better believe it. And then Eric? Yeah, I was in like the film studies type classes with Andrew. Yeah, that's right. You know, it's funny.

I guess probably some of the first movies we saw together were birth of a nation. Birth of a nation. Thomas Edison shorts. The man in the movie camera. Yeah, totally. I remember like

there was something like, something like you made some comment on some silent movie that was really funny it was like an american beauty joke oh no i remember what was that i remember exactly oh this guy remembers all his jokes no no i remember i remember he's pulling out a notebook everyone i remember explicitly what this was because i got a round of dirty looks from people oh nice because it was um i it was like a I think it was a class we took on Weimar Cinema or something like that

And there was There was some I don't remember what the movie was But there was you know Just a paper bag floating It was Berlin Symphony of a City Oh yes yes yes So it wasn't Weimar cinema

But I don't know what the hell we were watching Maybe it was like sound and film I don't know some class But yeah Berlin Symphony of a city And there's just a bag floating around And like none of us were in the movie at the time. We were all like tired or hung over or something. And I did

the old, that's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. And there was a bunch of kids in the class who were like philosophy majors. They weren't like film studies kids. And they all just turned around and just gave me the absolute dirtiest fucking look like who's this fat pig

fucking with this old German movie. And I was chuckling in the back because now take you back in time it was more appropriate. It wasn't as old of a joke. It was still a little bit of an old joke But it was not as old of a joke The joke was like two years old at that point

Exactly And then I remember One Because then I didn't really join the gang Yeah you were late bloomer I was late bloomed You're the Jeffrey Dean Morgan Maybe like

Maybe like end of sophomore Or junior year maybe junior year And then I was a fixture Yeah Yeah you became our wacky upstairs neighbor literally I would come down Stairs like Kramer. Yeah, it was great.

But then one summer I worked on a really bad movie that was made in Poughkeepsie. Oh, right. Mr. Gibb now has been retitled the Good Student. I think it's been, it's been over 10 years. I could mention that. Yeah, I think it's fine. And one of the movies I remember first really watching with you guys was that movie. You were so excited about it.

I brought the work print on a DVD or whatever. And my God, was it terrible. Oh, it's awful. Oh, yeah. Because it's like a, it's like, it's Tim Daly and Hayden Panetier. and it's like a teacher fucks the student movie. Yep. Yes.

And she was like 15 and she turned 16 on our set and she wasn't really that famous yet. Yeah. And hey, check those credits. I'm in there. Oh, wow. Yeah. Oh, does your name stand out in the credits, you think? No.

Wait. Oh, why, because it's crazy. He's got one of those. He's got one of those quotes. It's Eric Wild Guys. Eric slap Siska. This is what? This is a fun male, big story for people who are fans of the show and fans of wings.

I spent an actual summer driving Tim Daly around Poughkeepsie. Not many people can say that. Not many people can say that. I think we can move along. Yeah, totally. So that's, you know, Michelle, there's a little bit of the origins there. And Chris Cabin was floating around. Yeah, he was there.

He was there. So should I read this next one here? Yeah, go ahead. Yeah, the title is Experience. Greetings from the Poor Persons, New York, aka 5.5. fucking Newark or something. Or something. Do you know where you're writing this? I'm imagining this is Newark.

I guess so. I know a guy who went into cardiac arrest while watching Van Helsing. Oh, wow. That's how I know not to watch it. Thanks, love the show, Daniel. I love these. We got a couple of these words, one bizarre sentence and goodbye. Yeah. Oh, weird.

It's fun to highlight one of those little nuggets. Sure. It does remind me sort of like a famous tale of when I started working at the multiplex. And I've mentioned this before, so I'll just do it real quickly for new listeners. There was one theater, theater, number five. The cursed theater. It was cursed, dude, because a fucking old man went in to watch

X-Files fight the future and passed away before the closing credits. Conspiracy, dude. And this dude who was like... X-Men fight the future? Or X-Files. X-Files. X-Files. X-Files. X-Files. Yeah, they both fought the future. I mean, everyone's fight the future. Days of Future's Files. Yeah, X-Files. The first

X-Files movie, and the guy died in the theater and the guy who's telling us the story was like the manager at the time like the assistant manager but he was like just like the red vested usher and it was like the end of the critic like Mr. Sherman the movie's over he's like shaking this dude the dude was fucking dead

I mean that doesn't have anything to do with the X-Files movie or maybe Van Helsing though that movie gets a little something right there's like excitement there there's like wear ladies in that that turn into like bats and stuff I don't I don't remember much about that movie movie man I remember him chasing

and Mr. Hyde on the rooftops of foggy old London town. There was dueling Mr. Hydez, man. Oh, that's right. Dueling CGI Mr. Hyde. What a time to be alive, dude. Hey, that fucking sucks. Uh, all right, so here we go. Question for mailbag and special shout out.

Uh, dear hosts of we hate movies, Andrew Stephen, Eric, and Chris. Did he be, you know, my name's misspelled and it really bothers me. He's a pH, guys. He's really sensitive about it. Really? That's funny. I was, my name was misspelled at the Hollywood Improfts. Well, what do you expect? Look at that thing.

Okay. If you want me to take it out, I guess I will. Wow, Runchfest. Save it for the Patreon where it belongs. First of all, I want to congratulate you all on a wonderful show in Rochester. That's a gig we did over the summer, talking Turtles 3.

I had the pleasure of attending, and I never thought I would laugh so hard at the distinction of gun pirates v. Sword Pirates. and the particulars of turtle taints listen to that episode if you are grossed out and confused by what this man's talking about. This person, I don't know if it's a man. Thank you so much for the

interracable mental images. I think also thank you for the warm reception afterwards. Each of you is incredibly down to earth. It truly was a wonderful experience. And the trek from Vermont, Hachimachi was definitely worth it. Well, thank you for driving all the way out to see us. What did that take you? Four days?

And I also consider myself down to Maas. I wanted to pose a mailbag question. I recently underwent an especially painful breakup. I will spare you the reasons or details. Thank you. I'm just kidding. But I am doing okay. Good.

Partially in part to cinema therapy. Repeated viewings of Raising Arizona, dog day afternoon, question mark. And oddly enough, the Princess Bride have helped me cope with the new single life along with consuming my body's weight and Ben and Jerry's ice cream. From what I gather on your program, each of you is in a half. happily committed relationship, and I wish all of you, I wish all the best to you and yours. However, if you've ever experienced a breakup, which movies have helped you heal and move on? Thanks for the great shows and for reading, Christine from Vermont. Can I, can I tell two

stories? Yes. One involves me and one actually involves you. Oh, here we go. Okay. One, first of all, I never broke up with anybody, so now, I'm not a loser. I don't know what you're talking about. The last waltz was my, I had a bad breakup. Had some last waltz. That's a good, you know what's good about the last waltz

in that regard? You don't have to pay a ton of attention to it. It's a concert documentary. Like, it's kind of like almost listening to sad music, but also kind of watching the movie. Well, it's weird because like you got things like the closing number of like forever young

and like you could possibly be hanging yourself. But then like there's those, what I think is the weakest part of those movies. is the fucking interstitial interviews that Scorsese's doing and everybody's on cocaine and there's that fucking crazy one where Levin Helms just like

eerily talking about their first time in New York City and he's like then we went to this hotel off of town square and it was just one of the most disgusting places you could have ever been in here and he's like staring straight through Martin Scorsese's fucking soul

so yeah you could go either way with watching that in a breakup I remember when you had a breakup in college, I took you. I was like, hey, man. Oh, God. Now I remember where this is going. I was like, you know man, you feel bad. Let's let's walk to the movie theater,

which is about a quarter, like two miles. Yeah. Let's walk to the movie theater. And whatever you want to see, dude, whatever you want to see. Underworld the second one. Yeah, whatever that was called. Yeah. Did you feel better? I felt differently. I felt terrible for different reasons.

Oh, man. We walked. two miles to watch a fucking underworld sequel. Yikes. I think that was the last one. No, they're all theatrically released. Oh, they all keep coming out in theaters. That's the last one I saw those movies.

I didn't see Underworld. We're fighting each other. World at War, whatever that one was. One time I watched Taxi Driver five times in a row. That is not a joke. You know what? That checks out. That fits.

You know, you feel better afterwards. It's the, you know, it's a cartharsis. Totally. I'll add another one in their high fidelity. Oh, that's a classic. You know, you got all that he's talking about the breakups and John Kuzer can get a droopy face. Yeah, it's a little on the nose, but it works. No, no, no. It's like shit that movie.

That actress that's never seen again? Yeah, who was that? I don't know. I feel the same way. I'm like, who was that? John Cusack. Because you're like, oh, it's high fidelity with Lily Tomlin and, no, Lily Talman. John Cusack Lily Taylor Oh it's Lily Taylor

And Catherine Zeta Jones And the main woman Who's just great Is what her name is I bin Hesiel Yeah yeah Exactly Yeah exactly

All right moving on WHM mailbag The Ultimate Cosmic Exception Okay This is gonna be a weird one I think Dear We Hate movies That's us A long time fan

Love the show That's him I wanted to write in to say that I think I could beat Chris Cabin and Eric Movies Cosmic Exceptions Can I say we made the Eric movie joke Like twice three years ago

I honestly don't even know what it is anymore I don't even remember he was like a script doctor With a you doing a gruff voice Yeah people love it I think I did like what was like a mailbag or something In character once You did I think that I guess that was enough I guess that was it

That's it Everything that guy touched turns to a bit. A bit. Everything's a fucking joke to him. Cosmic exceptions. Cruising and happiness are definitely up there, but I never tried to get some while watching Schindler's list. Signfeld reference.

But I did grow up with a very bookish intellectual parents. My father, in particular, being a huge film snob slash buff, the type of guy that adores Fellini and Herzog, black and white and to our foreign movies that bored made of tears as a kid and gave the dark night

a solid C plus when we saw it together he might not be wrong I mean it's a great movie but if I was like 60 years old I saw the dark night you don't give a flying fuck about the dark night

exactly cartoon movie sure it's cool so this guy dead after making it great Bruce Batman alright

another one of your Bruce Batman movies Mother, we saw a Bruce Batman movie tonight. I guess it was good for a Bruce Batman. You know, the guy who really got into it. He was talking. Yeah, it's good.

I like that other Bruce Batman movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger in it. Now, that's a picture. Is Danny DeVito dead? Had to convince him it deserved more than just to see. That's a fight you don't want to have. Yeah, what the hell's the point?

Well, you're arguing with your father on the ride home. Whatever. You're arguing with your dad about Batman, dude. Come on. You know, at least they're talking. You know what? That's true. Better than cold silence. I owe a lot of my love and hate of movies for him,

so you can blame him for being a listener as well. I had very open-minded parents. Some highlights of the uncomfortable films I saw my parents, which include basically any artsy-fartsy-for-se or foreign film you can name, including happiness, but not cruising, are basically every Michael Hanneke, Lars von Trere, and Gasper, No movie. No, as everybody knows. The NOAA, by the way.

There's an accent that's missing on that E. I see. Noe, as everybody knows, is all about family. Oh, yikes. And way too much to Takashi Miquet and Vincent Gallo. Oh, my God. Yeah, this is protective services. It's a fucking call CPS fan.

I know I saw cruising with my mother, but this is obscene. This kid's getting all in. Well, at least you were in the privacy of your own home. Yes, exactly. We don't go into the theater. I saw, I'm sure you'll get a kick out. of picturing me silently eating breakfast serial in my parents' living room on a Saturday morning

we all awkwardly, distressingly endured Monica Bullichie being horribly raped for like 10 minutes but for my money there's no movie more awkward to watch with your parents than visitor fucking cue. I think I'm unfamiliar with this one. It's a Takeshi

me AK movie that's fucking it's out there, man. It's not... CPS. C. P.S. CPS. Holy shit, dude. I feel like this is how Chris Cabin is going to raise kids. You've got to learn sometime.

The Monica Balucci, it's Gasper, no way. It's irreversible. Oh, my God, visitor cue. You know, that Bruce Batman movie was fine, but nobody got raped in it. So what are we talking about? It's not really saying anything as someone's not being raped in it. It's no visitor cue. I mean, Maggie Jildenhall was fine in all, but she's clothed the whole time.

Nobody, you and McGregor's Dix not in that movie? What am I, what am I watching here? What are we supposed to be watching? I just, I wanted to, I wanted to read you, the IMD Tribune, because you guys haven't seen Visitor Q. No. The IMD Tribune plot summary for Visitor Q. Okay.

A troubled and perverted family find their lives intruded by a mysterious stranger who seems to help find a balance in their disturbing natures. Ooh. Okay. Plot keywords include such things as incestuous desire, prostitute, stranger, heroin addict, breasts, murder of a child, murder of a nude woman, defecation, dead woman with eyes open, dead woman in car trunk. Well, click on dead woman with eyes open. Man, that is a, that's a scary hyperlink. That's, I got to watch all the, every October I watch all the dead woman with eyes open movies.

Think about there's a guy on the IMDB Tribune. Always updating. Oh, was there a dead woman with eyes open? Oh, you've got to update my list. Put the keyword in. Update IMDB. Oh, was there a dead woman with eyes open? Oh, no, no.

She closed them. Oh, all right. Partially censored. Dead child. Triple child murder. Child shot in the forehead. And on and on. And on and on.

How prominent is a dead woman with eye open? Is it one of those things? Is it a tease? If I get there, is it just going to be like two seconds? Is it both eyes? It needs to be both eyes. This is a movie that's too extreme for Martin Cinemax the third, by the way.

Anyway, sorry to derail it with Mr. Q plot keywords. Stop it off, my father snuck me into a showing of the brown bunny. I was not of age, and I'm pretty sure it was beyond R. It definitely was. It's not rated, I believe. One day, after having already seen another movie, I can no longer remember, is memory loss

a sign of psychological trauma? story is. Anyway, we'd seen the poster on our way out, and it said something like the most controversial film in America. We were intrigued what sort of profounded, disturbing intellectual concepts could be this film being

exploring. Better than your Bruce Batman movie. It's the Brown Bunny. You might like it. It sounds like a super hero. Oh, what's the Brown Buddy getting it to this time? Oh, no. He's getting a blowjob. He's going to get a blowjob from the deranged clown. oh what's this this penguin looking fella oh wait he's blown him too

well it's saying something well as anyone unfortunate enough to have seen the film knows this adventure ended with me watching those tedious film ever for what felt like eight hours in a theater with my dad and a bunch of old people it ended with a real on-screen blow job in quotation marks the controversy which I realized I type as I type means I just watch someone get blown with my dad. Yikes. Yikes is right, buddy. Well, there's plenty of people who went to 42nd Street back in the day. With their dad? Yeah. That was a thing that happened to America. That was old Americana. Exactly. It was another America, man. It was a bonding experience. You know, you go

into the nudie booths. You put it, you throw down a couple of shackles and they open up the gates and you see some ungodly acts. And your father says, well, that's the birds and the bees. Now let's go get McDonald's. And then 30 years later, you're shouting, lock her up. Lock her up. You sure are. But hey, at least I never had to watch,

Blame it on Rio with my parents. That would be a line too far. Yours, always and forever, sand bud, in quotation marks, the man bud. Totally. I'll allow it. Oh, yeah. That's great.

I'm into sandbutt, man, but I like that. I still can't get out. Send us more emails. That's a morning show. Send us more emails about your father. I cannot get over. What penitentiary is here? What?

What? What penitentiary? Oh, oh, oh. Right? Is that a word? Lock him up. Lock him up. For showing your child visitor Q, absolutely.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't get over it. Well, like, you know, here's the thing. If I see one dead lady with her eyes open, in the beginning of the movie, can I leave? Is it another? That's the thing that drives me crazy. I'm just in it for the list. Is there one after the credits?

I mean, I want to go. go home, but I need to shoot it. Is there a stinger scene with two open dead eyes? You see it and you're like, all right, now I know it's here,

but now I got to know. Is it more? I got a couple of different lists I got going here. Am I up now? Yes, yeah. The subject line is Re, Spider-Man.

What up, fam. Listening to the episode on The Amazing Spider-Man 2, awoke a dormant memory of one of my worst movie experiences. Oh, shit. I saw this movie

at the theater with my sisters on opening week. As this is a Spider-Man movie, there were tons of kids at this particular showing. A mother and three children, all boys sat behind us. Since these kids aren't fond of sitting for very long, they began running around the aisle behind us. This is a problem.

You know what? Everybody needs to remain seated. We've talked about this before. This is the opening week type of shit you get. This is what happens. This is the crowd you're with. Sunday morning. When Stacey dies, what happens? Does her eyes stay open?

Because if they're closed, I'm just going to leave. I get it. What's this story? Is Sally Field die in that movie? And if so, the second question, what's her eyes doing? Is Peter Falk so obsessive eyes? Just one more question. Does her eyes stay open?

Oh, God. So, okay, the kids were running around around. time Paul Giamatti showed up for the first time on the screen. Okay. Wow. That's a time for a break anyway in that movie. Yeah, go run around the theater. If this wasn't bad enough, about halfway through, one of the younger boys needed to use

the bathroom. As any good mother would, she wouldn't let her young sons go to the bathroom alone at this movie theater. However, she apparently was so enthralled by the action on the screen, she didn't want to leave her seat to bring them to the bathroom. That's a movie you can go to the bathroom too. Oh, yeah. You can go get a sandwich?

It's two and a half hours. There's just so many bathroom break. hang out in the lobby for a while. Play one of those Terminator arcade games. Yeah, you know they're out there. That cruising world, whatever you want to do. Don't tell me they're not out there. I saw them out there.

If Campbell Scott is on screen, you could go outside and smoke a whole fucking cigar. Yeah, yeah. A slow burner. So naturally, the little kid started peeing into a coffee right behind our seats. Ew, yikes. That is grisly.

Anyway, fortunately for us, the kid had particularly good aim. Unfortunately, the movie still had about an hour to its run. Meaning we sat with an inches of a piss-filled cup with kids running around. The tension was palpable. But luckily, nothing tragic happened. Nothing spilled out. In the end, Mr. Webb's movie was less exciting than a cup of pee.

Love the show. Keep it up. Adrian from Minnesota, I believe that is. There you go. The Great White Way. That is terrifying. I don't like that idea. That is terrible. I'm not a big fan of peeing in a cup.

No. People always like, oh, you're a road trip, right, peeing in a cup with your buddies. I'm like, what are you talking about? No, no, I'm not a surly trucker from the Great Depression.

Yeah, let's just stop to go to the bathroom. I don't get it. Have you seen like on the side of the road? Sometimes you'll see that bottle full of urine. Oh, yeah. It's like, dude, not only you're peeing in a cup, you're chucking out the window like a, oh my God.

But this is New York City. Johnny Piss seed comes around. And, like, fill there's bottles all around the world. Oh, yeah. It's just a magical time. Well, people say New York is dirty. You go to the Midwest. Fucking piss bottle heaven.

I don't know what you guys are talking about. Let's go Vikings. Okay. Sex in the jungle. So I'm listening to this week's episode on Anaconda, and you guys asked the question, who has sex in the jungle? Well, I'm here to tell you, it happens. Don't tell this person.

The year is 2009. My girlfriend and I were visiting Florida and decided to take a hike in a nearby state park. That's the same year, Star Trek came out where that line is from. That's right. How about that? A little trivia. Little Tribune trivia. One end of the trail ran along a small babbling stream.

Among the wildlife we spotted were small alligators and black racer snakes moving through fallen leaves. I'm terrified of snakes. and, to be honest, alligators kind of make me nervous, too. Well, it makes sense. Sarah assured me that if we stayed on the trail. I didn't see you back there. Oh, hey, come on out, Sarah. You're in this email, too. Come on. Hi, Sarah.

Sarah assured me that if we stayed on the trail, we'd be fine. We came to a picnic area where the stream became a river. There were people in canoes and what seemed to be a church outing of some sorts. Look out. Speaking of pissing in bottles. I don't know what that means. We crossed over a bridge to start a three-mile loop further into the woods. Sarah was very interested in where people rented the clues from as she spied them through the trees and over the bank of the river.

She was about 10 yards ahead of me when I thought I saw someone who had tripped and fallen on the trail. Sarah! I called out to her. You know, this is very falk near and it starts out with this guy's story, but it actually turns out to be Sarah's story. Yeah, you didn't see this coming. Yeah, he's just the vessel through a... Sarah's story is being told. She wasn't looking at the trail

ahead. Sarah! I called out again. To this day, she still remembers that there was something in my voice that second time I said her name, something that made her stop dead in her tracks. Oh, wow. A mere ten feet in front of where she stopped was something we didn't

expect to see. A white ass bouncing up and down on what we both remember to be unusually red balls. Is she fucking a dog? That's amazing. The hyperlink unusually red balls. I only got one movie where it's in.

Vision a cue. Oh, another one got cued up here, boys. It's a nature dog. Baboon. The movie. Man, I would watch Baboon the movie. This girl had a... Sarah!

No, this is a different. girl. This is the girl having intercourse. Okay, got you. Sarah's just watching. Okay, cool. This girl had her jean skirt up around her waist riding this guy. These two kids were so horned up. They felt like they just had to start fucking right there on the trail. Nice.

It was the first time either of us had caught someone having sex, and frankly, it was kind of uncomfortable. I've lived a whole life. I've never seen two people having sex in the park. Oh, wait. I was like, really? Like, not even a video? I think he means stumbling across someone in public. Yeah, no, I don't think I have either. Movie theater business, man. No comment.

I'm from Andrew Jufin. We turned and walked at a brisk-paced giggling all the way home. Of course you were. We didn't see them again, but I regret not being able to ask them what it was that got them all hot and bothered. Was it the snakes? Was it the alligators? We would later rent a canoe and realize,

that the river was full of gaiters, including a 10-footer named Big Moe, a scary motherfucker who hangs out on the riverbank and hissed at you. What, tourist trap, man. You get a Big Moe T-shirt. This was not too far from where these two decided to lay pipe. Now, I'm sure that in Florida, most people would just call this their backyard, but where I'm from, a humid forest with snakes, alligators, and God knows what else, well, that's called the fucking jungle.

And you guys are right. No one needs to be screwing there, period. True story, you guys are awesome, Josh. Thank you, Josh, and Sarah, for reporting your finding. You know, I don't think it was the alligators. I don't even think it was the humidity or the jungle itself. I think they just were... Young love?

I think, yeah. I think they just caught each other's eyes. You know, it's like those, you know, the commercials for the boner pills, man. Like, you just never know when the mood's going to strike you. You never know. You could be getting off your bicycle. You could be helping someone off a ladder Staining a deck

Oh, that's what gets me, man Stand clear It's pretty sexy Because it's like kind of like paint But not really Yeah, you're using that thing Like with a hose spraying shit I'm sure, whatever else happens

Whatever else happens in homeownership Dead Hamsters and Kill Bill oh hi guys love the show loving the show okay good so yeah that's good that's the positive you know I didn't just love the show I'm still continuing still there to continue to love it yes I've listened people yeah do the past tense they've moved on I've listened to all episodes on movies that I've seen and I'm watching movies I have it so I can listen to those podcasts I've reluctantly started listening to the mailpack episodes oh this is the one I was talking about and I was surprised to find that they're even better well that's so nice look at that just listening to you reading a letter of

about a psychotic dad shooting hamsters. That's an old one. Yeah. And it made me remember my hamster Splinter. It was the early 90s, and he was rat like, I guess. Nice. Splinter died when I was 14 and my sister was 10. We were at school and came home to the news.

My mom told us that she had given the corpse to a man who would bury it for us. Yeah, yeah, you got a hamster there? Professional hamster barrier. Hamster man? Is there a dead hamster in there, Mrs? Keyword, dead hamster. No, no, I only take dead hamsters. What have you got for me today?

I'll come back in a month. Dead critters. Ring it a bell outside. All right, he's a fairy ill-fit. Just throw him on. Making a stew. I'll give him a proper burial, Mrs. I promise. Jackpot.

guinea pig you see these very often my line of work I love this guy oh I wish that happened so we were upset but happy to see Mr. Splinter would have a final resting place sure

Yo-ho, yo-ho I want to make Mr. Swinter into a slipper I'll get a none of want to make a pair of it. Played by Bob Hoskins, this gentleman. Merry Christmas, Mum, is your hamster slippers. Hey, Billy, I'm only here because I know four years ago you got a hamster

and they don't last year a bit long. I'll give them a good home, I will. Good God. Just checking in every time. make sure your amster's all right. Oh, Bowie. Splinter doing all right, is he? Too bad.

Getting on in years, isn't he? He's like the final destination, but for rodents. Oh, yeah, little splinter. You've got more sunsets behind you than ahead of you, don't you? Takes out a little hourglass, like a tiny one. Oh, it comes for his old, Mr. Sprinter. one day someone will bury me oh yeah mr splinter

I brought you a Christmas present probably be your last time around the holidays it's gonna be a harsh winter I like that he's just taunting this hamster he's moved from beyond a man that you give a dead thing to yes my goodness oh my god sorry that tickled me

later that evening we were set to go by the task of getting rid of the cage of the bedding etc the cage was in rough shape as Splinter had spent his entire life trying to gnaw his way to freedom so we decided to put it in the bin this guy is from the UK so the character

is accurate so yeah he's taking the cage and throwing into the trash so the character was accurate yeah okay just just my sister and I Went and opened the lid of the bin, and before we dropped the cage in, we noticed movement at the bottom.

No. The garbage bag. No. Quickly, I leaned in and tore the bag open, and there was Splinter running around well and truly alive and covered in spaghetti songs. Oh, my mistake, Mr. Sprinter.

It's a fucking Peter Jackson movie. That's why I put the bells there, Mr. Splinter. If you come back to life, you can ring it And I'll spring you free It's so hard to tell when you hamsters are actually dead He had obviously done that thing that hamsters do And seemed dead

But it was actually in a hibernation frozen state I didn't know they did that Not at all And my mom had bended him with the rest of the trash After going through a range of emotion Shock relief and fear of zombie hamsters As he won wood We got splinter in the house

gave him a bath and rebuilt his cage. He lived for another four years before finally dying of death. I've been waiting a long time for this. He tricked me once, Mr. Splinto. You can't evade me forever. You know how many things can happen in four years? I've claimed hundreds of hamsters.

He's like missing an eye now. He's got an eye catch. Yeah, it's been a long way. Somehow has a wooden leg. It's been a long time, Mr. Sprinter. You look well. Oh, Lord. All right.

Yeah, whatever. That's fine. Yeah, thank you guys. Lee Main in Scotland. Milne. I'm sorry, Lee Milne in Scotland. Yeah, there you go. Oh, yeah.

He also mentions quickly that he doesn't have, he's in Scotland, and he doesn't have Taco Bell there. Oh, which you are missing out. Oh, I guess. so it makes sense because it's in the fucking subject line of the email he also went to see Kill Bill and two old ladies didn't like it and said that was rubbish I heard one remark

and her friend's response was it might have been better if we'd seen part one well yeah figure that shit out ladies yeah so speaking of sequels final mailbag entry of the evening everyone we're coming to that how can you it's just it's that time again

okay so Blade 2 and a soft Kidnapping? Oh, yeah, speaking of sequels. Hamster man. Coming after you, vampire hunter. Sorry. You know, I heard that someone I know saw hamster man and had a cardiac arrest. I love the show.

End of email. Okay, so Blade 2 and a soft kidnapping. Hey, guys, love the podcast. Just wanted to send you an email and tell you about an experience I had in Berlin this summer. This is probably the most memorable and disturbing experience I had watching a movie in my life. I'm writing in partially because I think it's an odd story and partially because I can't afford a psychiatrist. All right, everybody. We've got to be on our A game here. This person needs help. All right. Let's fix our ties. Let's get our voices ready. Some friends and I had gathered

money for the trip to Berlin over the summer and we were hugely excited. We managed to get there safely without any major problems and eventually two trains and walking in the sun for a while we found in our accommodation. We were staying for a week and planned all the best ways to get around and see the sights in the short time we had there. God, it's like

Bram Stoker's Dracula. The whole story of the journey. You know, like... The carriage going around the mountain. Were they in a carriage with a horse? I think so. Well, this is another email from Old Europe. I know what thing about Old Europe, you

They put a couple horses onto a Volkswagen, and they travel around the countryside selling their wares of blankets and exotic cuisines of sausage. Sure. And it's delicious. It is. It's wonderful. That's what I know of Europe anyway. Sorry. We were staying for a week.

All right. I already said that part. So thankfully, one of my friends is a very organized person and figure out this all beforehand. The trip went well by all accounts And we'd seen pretty much everything We had set out to see When the last night rolled around We decided we'd hit the town hard

At least once before we leave Nice You want to do it on the last night By the way When you gotta get up to go to the fucking airport That's always a bad idea It's a mistake I actually made that same mistake in Berlin

I was super drunk And I felt like dog shit the next morning I did that in Mexico Yeah That was even worse though I did it at the airport You woke up in a coffin I rang the bell, though.

Hamster man came and got me. Sorry about that, Andy. You're not a hamster, and all? You just got a great big beard, don't you? Biggest hamster I of yourself. He's catching the big fish. It's like a big thing.

I could retire now, Mom. I got a big one. Oh, shit. It's just Andy. Get out of here, Indie. Get drunk again. We had been out a couple of times And never stayed out too late

We had one recommendation from some shady guys In a pub for a nightclub That was pretty close to where we were staying Oh and by the way I guess since it's Europe These teenagers can go out and drink And have a good time Unlike us Americans

Oh right You gotta wait till you're 21 We ended up walking to an unfinished train yard Oh wow This is a set of Blade 2 I think I think it is Because look at this We could hear loud techno music.

Yeah, there's a fucking blood rave coming. What we found was a weird open-air venue with a stage and a couple of bars, the patrons of which seem to be exclusively drug dealers and alternative punkish-looking young people. Whoa. It sounds like you found the right place. It's something you found green room, dude. This is a bad situation. Yeah, well, it was techno music, though.

Thank God. It wasn't racist punk music. Just the kind of place. pasty Irish kids would fit in. We wandered for a bit until my friend was approached by a guy who offered her some tall glasses of water, which she

turned down because we were taking out our wallet in this place. She turned down because taking out our wallet in this place seemed like a terrible idea. Once she had refused this guy, he grabbed her arm and began walking towards a dingy bard in the train yard.

Oh no. I was the only one who noticed as the rest of my friends continued walking. I tried to shout out. Your other friends noticed, by the way. Yeah. That's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's terrifying. Um, but, you know, apparently they couldn't hear because a DJ was playing music. Yeah. I followed them into the bar where I tried to confront the tall guy who'd grabbed my friend. She was visibly frightened. When I told him to let her go, he just kind

smirked, oh, you too like that, are you? Uh-oh. I guess he's assuming there are a couple. Yeah. Yeah. When we are not all like that, this writer confides in us. After telling them that we needed to leave, a couple guys in the bar stood up and blocked the door. So now the bar has abducted you. Okay, now it's green room. Yeah, okay. At this point, I think we had pretty much accepted our deaths.

As would I. I would have literally shit my pants. Like, literally, oh, let that guy go. He just shit his pants. Get him out of here. It's really smelling bad in here. So the tall guy walked over and said, Hey, it's all right.

We'll hang out for a little bit. At this point, he told us to sit down besides each other with him sitting across the room. His friend pulled out an old TV and a PS2. Oh, come on. And hooked it up and put on a DVD.

Dude, could you imagine being in this threatening situation and this dude's fucking fiddling with those cables? I mean, the tension would eat you alive, wouldn't it? Who was playing Donkey Kong Crunchery? I was like, oh, no, why can I only hear it? And you're like, so scary.

Like, you didn't put in the red wire. You didn't, you can only hear it. Dude, I would. I would not offer AV assistants in the situation. Terrified, we sat not knowing what's going to happen, and the title screen popped up. It had, he had put on a German dub copy of Blade 2. The movie.

Well, these people aren't going to be able to watch it anymore. So we sat in a poorly lit bar and smelled, it smelled curiously like piss. All of the guys in this bar sat down and cracked open some beers. Is it a bar if it's just a bunch of people watching Blaine 2? One of those creepy members only. Yeah, members only in this fucking abandoned train car. This is where they signed the Treaty of Versailles. Weird, wild stuff.

So, okay. So they even handed them some beers that we definitely didn't drink. I guess they think they might be drugged or. I wouldn't touch it. Great idea. The film played in German for about 30 minutes while the guys in this bar laughed and howled anything happened. The tall guy at one point had his hand on his crotch while he eyed us from across the room. Eventually, he pointed us and says, you've got the go, yeah?

When we both nodded sheepishly, he looked at, he looked for a minute and then smiled, okay, big kiss fast. no we weren't sure what he meant at first but as soon it became clear that he wanted us to kiss each other before he would let us leave god damn it after a couple minutes of trying to talk our way out of this my friend and i who have known each other for a long time non-romantically kissed no big deal just a little peck however this guy was not pleased and he forced us to do what he called a big kiss until he clapped

Oh, God. Now it's worse than the green room. Now it's rules like, you've got a kiss, and when I clap, you're finished. Oh, but not a second sooner. You probably hear the cock of the guns. Oh, if you don't answer the rules, you'll be in my domain. The domain of dead hamsters. Hempterman.

You wish the Hempsterman would clean up. He would save these people, I think. The Hempsterman would be the hero of this story. What's to say next? A figure appeared to the doorway, a portly British gentleman. And an oil black slicker. He smelled of peltz. Pulled out of a billy club.

Man, that would be awesome. Instead, this story gets worse. All right, well, we, all right, all right, let's go on with the story. Five minutes later, I'm tongue-kissing a long-time friend while this guy and his bunnies watched. This is terrible. We shouldn't be laughing as much as we are, but it's such an uncomfortable scenario. You got to yiggle.

After what was the most awkward five minutes of my life. Five minutes of tongue kissing. This guy starts clapping and laughing and telling us to get out. He slapped my friend's ass pretty violently on the way. We left in silence. We walked home in silence. We got a few blocks to the place where we're staying. We managed to avoid telling our friends who had already gotten home what had happened.

These fucking friends, by the way. Oh, we didn't hear anything. We don't know where anybody went. Go to send a fucking hamster man after these people. Get their fucking belts. This is our horror franchise, by the way. Oh, yeah, it's like, yeah, it's like, it's sort of a mix of pet cemetery, mix of Jason. I don't know.

Yeah, and you know what? It's totally steps above Gary Busey's Ginger Dead Man series. I'll tell you that. Anything is. So the plot is, you know, the kid's hamster dies. This guy shows up, right? On the eve of every hamster's death. To claim it.

Yeah. And then suddenly he wants you to be a hamster. Oh, it's like a Kevin Smith movie. No, it better not be. No, it's got to be better than that. We'll figure it out. So I was still shaking and found it hard to sleep at around 4 in the morning. I'm pretty sure.

I heard her crying in the next room. Oh, geez. We remained friends, and we managed to start looking back at this incident with, oh, boy, the suspense of the page turn. Some levity, although we don't often bring it up until you wrote it into a podcast. Thousands of people. I don't think I will ever be able to watch Blade 2 again without that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Well, I'm sure.

I love the podcast. I can't wait to hear more in the future. Andrew, Andrew, thanks for writing in your harrowing tale. That was terrifying. And I'm sorry that you and your friend had to go through that. Totally. Right in time for this fucking spookacular.

I was like, oh, we don't have a Halloween story. I do have a similar story. It's not super duper similar. Oh, please tell it. We were forced to make out with a hamster for five minutes. Your closest friend, hamster. It was me. We were both longtime friends.

No, me and my fiancé were just walking around. We were on, around South Street Seaport. Ranging out. We're just literally like looking at the water, having a nice time. Oh, that's what you do down there. And a sweet old man comes up. He's got a tripod and a camera. And he's like, oh, you're a beautiful.

Like, oh, thank you so. Oh, you're gross. He's like, oh, it's such a nice couple. I'm like, oh, thank you so much, man. You know, you're doing that thing where you're like, I'm ending the conversation in every sentence. where it's like that like hold oh cool

that's great oh that's so cool yeah yeah oh you're beautiful beautiful thank you so much it's a beautiful

day isn't it's like yeah I want to take you a picture I'm like okay sure yeah you know what

whatever happens next is all you're fucking oh my god that's on a wall somewhere it's covered in splatters you know what why don't you kiss her a little bit

oh no Why don't you kiss her? Like, no, you know what, dude? No, thank you. And we just walked away really. Oh, thank God you didn't do it. What am I going to do?

Perform pornography, sir, for some old pervert? Well, now, let's not get nuts. Perform pornography. Is that how this tall German guy defended his actions? Let's not get nuts. It's not like his pornography. Hey, why you get nuts, eh? Why don't you kiss her a little bit?

It's not like his pornography. It's not shy's a pawn or nothing. Why don't you eat her, Tud? Oh, no. Lord Almighty. What a harrowing end to the October mailbag. Spooky, scary. It's very scary.

You know, I feel terrible saying this, but I'm sorry for everyone's traumatic experiences. I'll say it again. This whole mailbag's been terrifying. I was going to say, I feel terrible saying this. But after reading that last letter, I kind of got a hankering to rewatch blade, too. Listen, because, listen, no, it kind of, it only just sealed the deal. because... You rub your crotch from across the room.

When we were out in L'A., we went to Lackmo, we saw the Guillermo del Toro exhibit. It was awesome. There's fucking blade shit in there a little bit. And I was like, I got a rewatch Blade, too. And now this happened,

and I was like, yeah, just rewatch Blade 2. Oh, it's Kismet, is it? Karma Kramer. That's W.H.M. Mailbag for October. If you watch your weird or harrowing stories read on the air, or you got questions for the gang right into the mailbag.

We All Hate Movies at gmail.com. Until next month, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadek. Eric Siska. Take it easy. We all go a little mad sometimes. You know, it's Halloween. I guess everyone's a title of one could scare them.

Sometimes. That is better. Zombies have entered the building. They're at the door. They're coming in. It is time to keep your appointment with the Wicterland. They're coming to get you, Barbara. He's sick for fucks. He's seen one too many movies.

Now, Sid, don't you blame the movies. Movies don't create psychos. Movies make psychos. We're a fucking ocean in the back. What an excellent day for an exited. Thank you.