We Hate Movies - S7: WHM Summer Rewind - Freejack

Episode Date: August 8, 2017

On this week's Summer Rewind, the gang looks back at their episode on the sci-fi classic, Freejack! Why wouldn't they set this film a little farther in the future than 2009? Who thought about hiring Mick Jagger as the main villain? And how many movies does Emilio star in where he's constantly sitting in various automobiles? PLUS: The birth of our terrible Jonathan Banks impression!  Freejack stars Emilio Estevez, Mick Jagger, Rene Russo, Anthony Hopkins, David Johansen, and Jonathan Banks; directed by Geoff Murphy. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You know, we don't go to the beach here in New York, because you can't do that without getting poisoned or driving out to Long Island. You know, you get stuck with a syringe. Yeah. That's like, that's a New York jellyfish. when you're going to fucking orchard beachman, look out for that. Or you get, you know, globbed up by Thomas Hayden Church, right? That's also true. That's the other thing you got to look out for.

So that's why we just put a bunch of sand in the studio. We're hanging out. We got our umbrella drinks. You know, I refer to it as just, you know, our own personal litter box. Oh, you're the one peeing in the sand. Wait, you guys haven't been going? Oh, man. I'm not talking to you because you deflated my beach ball.

I told you already I'm not talking to you about this Yeah I belly flopped on that thing Yeah that's not a euphemism folks He really did deflate an actual Oh I thought he jerked him off until he came No no no no no That's what I thought people were thinking

Oh okay Yeah yeah yeah So we're here to introduce An episode of a little known movie called Free Jack Now this movie stars one Emilio Estavez From Mighty Ducks fame

And Brat Pack fame Did you hear about this? Did you hear about this? I mean, by the time this is coming out, it's like weeks old, but Goldberg just got arrested for petty theft. Goldberg got arrested for petty theft? Get out of town. The wrestler? No, the goalie. Oh, really?

I thought you're talking about the wrestler. No, no, no, no. I thought he pulled an OJ and just was like taking old dolls of him off the shelves. I want my memorabilia. Give me that belt back. Maybe that's what, maybe that's what I didn't look at up. I just saw the Twitter headline, but I, oh, maybe he stole a bunch of DVDs and VHSs of by detox. These are mine. And whatever

cameos on Nickelodeon shows he had or whatever the fuck. That guy, he was one of those things, he's not fat anymore. I remember that being a headline one time was like, Goldberg ain't fat. What the fuck? You know, fuck him then. Rot in jail. I think Thudbud is still obese, though.

So, well, you know, that's sometimes you can't be. Better be. You know, you need something to fall back on. This movie also stars Rock and Roll Sensation Mick Jagger. Yeah, oh yeah. He's the bad guy of this movie. Jonathan Banks is also a bad guy in this movie of Better Call Saul fame

Tony Bank Tony Hopkins Oh of course I totally forgot about that Westworld's Tony Hopkins Yeah totally Transformer of the last night Tony Hopkins

So yeah this is a movie where Emilio Estavez is a race car driver Who is like a half a second Before his demise in an auto wreck He is what they call freejacked into the future for some reason that I don't remember. They, like, rich people, I think, go into their bodies.

Oh, yeah. Oh, that's stupid. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, they take people who are dying from the past and just, like, recycle them. It's pretty, it's a good program, I think. You'd fund it. I would. A president, Cisco, would put funding into that.

Definitely, I'd put all of the funding into that. You know, AIDS and cancer, take a backseat. to the Freejack program. So yeah, we are going to continue our summer vacation. And if this is new to you, because like we said, this is not a main feed episode. Enjoy us talking about Free Jack. You know, for something like this,

you have to set your thing a little bit farther into the future. There's no way that this movie's possible in 2009 from a 1992 standpoint. No, there's at least a hundred. hundred years in the future. By the way, the whole thing involves time travel and body snatching. Bone jacking. Bone jacking. It's not body snatching per se.

No, it is exactly body snatching. Let's just call it something cooler. Did I say that the film is Free Jack, by the way? Maybe. If not, it is. Stephen Freejack. I don't know. A little theme episode here for no one.

It stars Emilio Estabez, other high. Hollywood luminaries such as Renee Rousseau, Sir Anthony Hopkins, and Sir Mick Jagger. I don't know if he might actually be. He's got to be. Probably, right? What do you mean he's got to be? Why not? At this point? I think the stones are a little too grungy for the queen. I don't know how that goes. Really? They partied a little too hard, stayed out a little bit too late. I heard that chick gets down though. What? The queen moms. She gets nasty, you think? She might.

So we start in 1992 on some sort of racing circuit that's not Formula One, but is pretending to be that? That's in New York. What is the racing scene in New York that I'm unaware of? Now, correct me if I'm wrong. And no one in this room can because none of us watch it. But there might be a NASCAR track somewhere on Long Island. Am I wrong? I think that's what the movie's trying to say. I don't know if that's right.

I thought there legitimately was one. I know there's one in, like, New Hampshire. I'm sure there's one out by, like, in, like, western New York that, that, uh... Oh, the Free Jack Expressway. That's what you're talking about. The Free Jack Expressway. Yeah, it connects under the Matlock Expressway. So Emilio Estabez is this race car driver who kind of drives these Formula One looking

funny car things. Because it's smaller than a Formula One car, too. It's kind of like he's one step above like a, like a funny car racer. it's a race car i mean we we just say that i mean i don't think you know we don't know i couldn't tell you yeah i couldn't tell you a goddamn thing about an actual race car it is it's a funny car because he's such a tiny man that they probably had to make it a little smaller for him i think it's a hot wheel i think you know honestly because the majority of my amelio estuvese experience is either the mighty ducks movies where he's starring alongside a bunch of little kids or men at work where

he's just next to his similarly hided brother. Yeah. I didn't realize how terribly short he is. He's on all sorts of apple carts of this movie because he's supposed to be like the dramatic lead, you know, and like intense and interesting and sexually attractive. I mean, he's not a bad looking dude.

You get a little bedroom scene here at the beginning of this movie. Are you saying you're sexually attractive to him? I'm saying he's a sexually attractive guy. Of course. A 1990s, Emilio Esfuss, that's the height of his powers. Because he's still got the golden boy good looks from the

breakfast club and that voice is definitely the same octave and probably still is today and he gets that Martin Sheen punch as he gets older like that's something that's a bug that never got his brother his brother had other kinds of bugs to get but not that one all sorts of

bugs enough coke and crack and you don't have that that eliminates that yeah there is zero possibility for a punch on Charlie Sheen so yeah so he's preparing for this race car race that he's going to. And it's, it's kind of like your race car race. This is kind of, it's your standard, you know,

something, this race isn't going to go well thing. Because like, you know, René Rousse is trying on all sorts of dresses. And she's like, when are we going to get married? It's like, soon as I win this race, baby. It's going to be all different. It's like, just this one last race. One more day till retirement. And there's a great, great point here where Emilio Astavis asks her to nibble his ear for luck. Like, it's like this little cute thing that they have together like oh you're gonna go off and do something big where i'm gonna nibble

your ear for a little bit you know and here's the thing about that rene russo's character in this movie like okay i'm not one for like you know i walk by someone on the street or in the subway station and whatnot and they're like totally you know two people just go into town on each other and i'm like you know all right but in this situation they're outside this big race course he could go up in flames in a matter of minutes and all he wants is a little good good luck nibble and she is so disgusted by it oh man she's going to feel really bad about herself in about 15 minutes when this when this doesn't shake out when not so much this movie but him goes up in flames movie kind of goes up with so at the same time that he's prepping

at this racetrack and he's walking around meeting all these potential sponsors with his manager uh i'm going to just call him buster poindexter but it's the date david johans David Johansson, Buster, Poindexter for the rest of this episode. He was also in Scrooge with Bill Murray and Car 54, where are you? Stay tuned. Yeah, he kind of looks like Benicio del Toro if he was a nightmare. Yeah, he's kind of a funhouse mirror. He is.

And I mean, that's a bad situation. It's a really bad situation. He also looks like, funny enough, if Benicio del Toro fucked Mick Jagger. and one of them had a kid, which is very interesting. Very probable. Because crosscut with this race prep scene is our friend, Mick Jagger, in 2009, getting ready for some sort of experiment. We don't really know what's going on, but they're triangulating coordinates, blah, blah. And they're just, they're in tanks.

They're in, like, trenches and, like, Esai Morales has one eye, and he's, like, doing, like, all sorts of supercomputer. action. I'm like, this has to be 3,07, right? That's where we are right now because it's so far in the future. But it has to be at least farther than, what is that, 18 years or whatever? Like, come on.

What is the fucking problem set it at least 50 years into the future? There's, because we were talking about this before we went on the air, but like this whole freejack thing that we're going to get into, this whole system is predicated on the already existence

of time travel. So we had to solve the time travel problem. And then someone came up with free jacking or bone jacking rather. Right. Yes. Shortly after that, a month after that. The system basically is in the year 2009, the horrible year of 2009, there's nothing but the

mega, mega rich and like the dirt poor and the mega rich decide that they need to live forever. And they can't, I don't know why, just take a poor person's body, but. They need to take body from time travel where someone gets killed and they zap them from that time right when they're about to die to the present day 2009 so that they can bone jack them. Right. So they put the consciousness of the dying person into this free jack.

Yes. The free jack who have they recently bone jack. Now, here's these terms right. Here's something I need to know. Now, is a free jack? Is that a term just for anyone who is being. donated to this process, or is that just one who escapes? So are

they just known as jacks if they are in captivity? Oh, that's a fancy looking jacking got there. Very nice, Jack. Freejack is kind of like the unused computer game you get. You've got like your solitaire, your minesweeper, and then there's something called

Free Jack that you never click on. Hellariously enough, I was Googling it today and there is a video game called Freejack and I think it's not related. premise of no i think it's like i think it's like a parkour game or something sure it is let me tell you something my father was at the height of windows 3-1 and windows 95 also i believe it carried over into my father was obsessed with free cell yeah is what you're thinking of uh tripeaks and uh there was another one golf i think

was another card game all those random non-solitary games that i have no idea how to fucking play i love those games because there's all you're always playing with fake people like Bill and Tom and like all these like it's like before the internet so they just had to make you feel less alone. Oh yeah totally. I never wanted to hang out with any of those guys though. Like in some of them they have

like a little little cartoon person of Bill and Tom and it's like that guy's from the old west and this one that guy kind of looks like bogey. He must be good at cards. Yeah exactly. You were always playing with people from different time periods though. That guy's

Mick Jagger. And there's that That sassy little trollop over there named like Margaret or something. Scarlet or something. Yeah. Oh, yes, Scarlet. Scarlet, the female card shark. So, yeah. Well, it's on the process of free jacking doesn't stop there.

I mean, it's Jagger and his crew of bonejackers are looking at footage of the day of Emilio's explosion death. and they like have to they pinpoint like the they're using the footage to pinpoint how to get them out of this situation so that makes me think that you can only be bone jacked if you die on

broadcasted footage of some sort or film either that or you know like it's like back to the future you never know where and when lightning's going to strike unless you do so maybe if you flat out know it's well documented

When someone's going to die. Yeah. Maybe then you can kind of, you know, triangulate those coordinates somehow. It just so happens in this situation for some reason. Because that's the other question, right? Who is filming this? What is this on ESPN4? Maybe what he was a car racer.

They like car racers on TV. Also, I mean, because the whole thing is like, you know, he, hey, cool. Hey, cool, it's a car racer. Oh, no, he got bone jet. I hate one of my favorites get bones. Bone jack. Good thing I'll never be bone jacked because I'm physically unfit for bone jacking. Is it a thing where you have to go up in flames, it kind of a mysterious thing?

Because, like, couldn't, like, Kennedy have gotten bone jacked? Wouldn't that, like, destroy the space time, continue? Era, I've gotten bone jacked. It appears as if I've been bone jacked. He would have to be one of the... Oh, no, I'm the Prince of Nigeria. This didn't work out well for me. They didn't have the money for the bone jacking.

It was all a rude. here right now I'm just living in a hut but he would have been had to have been the JFK was definitely bone jacked he would have been he had to have been like one of the first to have been bone jacked yeah because he's the most famous one yeah wait a second though was Reagan a failed bone jacking probably like Mick Jagger's like at the cord

and it's like now he's gonna get out of this cart this particular time oh what's that you canceled your order oh well he's just got Someone canceled transaction I couldn't get him then I got Megan a little older But what came back You wouldn't want

You know it sucks The whole grave digging industry Is destroyed in this era Because everyone's just Everyone's just bone jacket and bone jacket Well no Because you can still rob like You know

The sickly And the you know Like Larry the cable guy Like a physically unfit for bone Yeah, that's true. But they probably don't have anything worth it. I think at that point, you're hunting for time capsules and stuff? Time cops?

You're looking for time cops, you think? Time capsules. But there really should be time cops in this to monitor all the bone jacking. Yeah, that's absolutely true. Because as we find out in this movie, like, it's kind of some shitty. I mean, well, that's the thing. I don't know. Anthony Hopkins kind of does go through all the proper channels to bone jack Emilio Estevez, right?

He dots his eyes and crosses his team. That's what's kind of ridiculous about this. Like, you know, Bill of Sale, man. Hopkins has to have a receipt of some kind. I'll get into it right now. I actually see nothing morally wrong with bone jacking. Right. Okay, let's have this conversation before we get into the rest of the movie.

Because honestly, it's kind of just a bunch of car chases and Amelia Westavis looking and not sounding tough. But so the ethics behind bone jacking. Is everyone in this room totally fine with it? well you're gonna be dead anyway if if the stipulation of bone jacking is you have to be you're gonna be fucking blown to smithereens there's no point you're definitely dead on impact fuck it like if there's gonna be nothing left fuck it i think i'd be better with bone jacking if i was the bone jacker than the bone jacky oh right so if it's in service to you get your consciousness putting amelio estavez well i didn't say that one but but but but Or Larry the cable guy You know whoever you pay Hey cool

I would Like think about this What if every serial killer's victim Gets bone jacked Like the guy's about to put the knife in And it's just like Ah shit he got bone jacked That guy I would be thankful

I would be happy To not get raped and murdered And fleshed and skinned Then just get bone jacked And then they lobotomize you really quick They put you out They put you under Well when you put it that way

I guess I am for bone jacking However the reason why there's a big hole in your thing, right? Like, who, what serial killer is publicly murdering someone? Yeah, I guess it's. So then if you're bonejacking all of these people who are about to be killed by Jason Voorhees in the middle of the woods or whatever, they're just going to be people that are gone missing.

That doesn't solve a problem. But that's the real question. It's like if they, yeah, if they go missing, but if they find like a dent, like, let's say, you know, they dig up Dahmer's basement and they find a bunch of people, they do the autopsies. Carbidating. Yeah, the corpse carbonated. Well, like the time of death, you know, like if an autopsy comes with the time of death,

can that person then be bone jacked? And if so, that opens up almost all of humanity to bone jacking. Yeah, except, see, now we're getting into all sorts of time travel wormholes here. And now it's kind of like looper. You need to start communicating with the future to let them know, hey, man, we're going to dig up this thing. So feel free to clear out this basement. maybe, you know, will, like, a plane's going to crash? That's, like, 50 for one right there.

But I was thinking about this when I was watching this movie is it would be great if they had, like, a looper-like scenario like that. But they had, like, maybe like their own, like test facility, like a crash test dummy facility where they just keep on ramming people into the wall to blow up and then just transport them for the bone jacking, you know? They get a couple, like, real lemons of cars. It was ram against walls. Just a bone jack in fact. I think it's safe to say we're all in one way or another kind of okay with what's happening

in this movie. Absolutely. So Emilio gets bone jagged. This car goes flying into a wall hilariously and just bursts into flames. He's shot forward into 2009 into one of McJager's tanks and they're going to take him to the facility

and trade his consciousness with a mysterious person who's paid for it, which I totally spoil. like 28 minutes ago, it's Anthony Hopkins. Who cares? He's the one who's paying for this whole thing. That's a big twist for some reason, obviously. But even though it's obvious that it has to be Anthony Hopkins, because, like, you see

his name in the credits, who else is going to be doing the bone jacking? It's, you know, he's a rich guy and, like, you only see him in video and you're like, oh, that's interesting. Like, it's a video phones are huge in 2009. Man, they really overshot the importance of video phones. We didn't even have FaceTime yet, actually. We didn't get there. They call them vid phones.

For short, you know? A little hip, yeah, sure. Well, it's almost like iPhone, so they were close, kind of. Well, sometimes not really. I mean, like part of the vid phone thing is like Mick Jagger's wall of his apartment. Well, no, it's a vid phone. It's back to the future, too, kind of video phone technology. You got Mick Jagger, betting needles, all kinds of shit up there on the big screen.

Actually, David Johansson kind of looks like Flea also. He got it does. So he gets, you know, grabbed into 2009. And before he can be lobotomized, which I guess is a process, you know, because they're going to swap out your brain anyway. Yeah, you got to clean, you got to clean the, got a clean slate going. Yeah, exactly. You got to erase that three inch, a three quarter inch floppy disk.

Their caravan is like attacked by rebels because it's also kind of dystopian. And not post-apocalypse exactly. right and it's all set in new york city so this band of rebels are attacking them in i think it's like spanish harlem or something yeah it's all because it's definitely like upper upper east side the geography is very sketchy yeah it's a loose new york city geography so they're hit by like a rocket or something and amelio doesn't get the lobotomy he wakes up he's like he thinks he's in a hospital you know what kind of hospital is this kind of a thing escapes and then the movie is fucking mick jagger trying to track He also kills a bunch of those, like, scientists, surgeons.

Those are some of the rudest doctors you'll ever hear in a movie. Well, you know, they're not, they're not, like, dealing with a patient they want to keep alive. Yeah, I guess they don't really need bedside, man. They're a bit indignant about it, for sure. Yeah, they're like, honestly, it's like Emilio Estabez woke up and was like, I'm like, he woke up in a vet's office. Like, you're just being treated like a goddamn animal. Well, that's what, you know, it kind of makes you terrified, like, if you ever have to have an operation or something.

thing like what these people are saying about you once you're under. Because they think he can't hear. And they're like, oh, who's this? Oh, look at this ugly guy. Yeah, he'll make a good replacement for this rich customer. Are you coming out against bonejacking now? No, I'm coming out against rude bonejacking doctors.

Just be nice about it. Here, it's a, it's a 10-hour day. Imagine you're working on a spreadsheet and all of a sudden starts running away. You'll get pissed off. You know what? If I was sitting there and somehow a spreadsheet ran off. my computer. I'd let it go because that little guy earned it.

He somehow found the means to come off a computer screen and run away from him. Yeah, that's when I go home early for the death. So Mick Jagger has to report this problem to his direct superior. And there's a big overall, like you know, like an over it owns everything kind of

a global company in this movie. As you do. In a post-apocalyptic 2009. Yeah, like McCandless enterprises or whatever it is. It's some take on Anthony Hopkins' last name. Yeah, his last name is McCandless. Right. So it's like a mechanic or, yeah. Who cares?

So Mick Jagger's got to go report to the dude who hired him, which is Breaking Beds Mike the Cleaner, Jonathan Banks. It's always amazing to see him not play Mike the Cleaner. Like he's done a guest spot on Modern Family playing Ed O'Neill's brother, which is kind of interesting. Oh, and he was also in Parks and Rec is what's...

Oh, yeah, he's Adam Scott's father, too. And I'm just waiting for him to beat the shit out of somebody. But in this movie, he's just like, now, Mick, you told me you were going to get this free jack. He's, I mean, it's a very robocop

scenario. Like, he's just anything to get ahead in the cooperation, Walter. You know, like, whatever it is, it's just, he will do everything. It's so robocop. It's a bit, It's a bit much.

Yeah, dystopian future, big corporation runs everything. And this guy's, like, looking to get to the top. Yeah, I can see that. He's kind of just like, look at my evil bad guy ponytail. That's the size of a Mike and I. He's got a miniature ponytail in this movie. It's not even a ponytail. You're just putting a little rubber bed at the back of your kind of long hair.

I mean, I guess, you know, I mean, we all know what Mike the cleaner looks like now. Like Jonathan Banks is a bald man. So maybe, you know, it's just one of those your hair. hanging on to whatever scraps he got left. Make a cool ponytail out of it if you're playing a villain. It's working for George Carlin, I guess. Jonathan Banks is going to come to my house and beat the shit out of me now. I would love to watch that.

Make fun of my ponytail, Walter. Why are you calling me Walter? It's the only way I can relate to people, Walter, and he just kills you. There's a great moment in this scene where Mike the Cleaners got a collection of Fabergeet eggs on his desk. It's such a shitty, like, movie rich person thing of like, well, he's got a bunch of money. What's he going to spend it on? Oh, I know Fabrijeet eggs. And like, what's his name?

Mick Jagger picks one up and like he's a genius. Oh, an interesting egg. What's his? Fabrije. Like, of course it is. Yeah. You can tell the Fabrizier egg because it's a fucking Fabrizier egg. Actually, Walter, it's hardboiled.

It's my lunch. My granddaughter was really. overzealous at Easter. Decorating eggs is an art form, Walter. Isn't it ironic that I have this very sweet relationship with my little daughter, but I'm also really a

hardcore criminal? I love that show. I do too. It's just great making that voice. Mick Jagger has like his bonejackers. And they're just like this, this crew of like gray stormtroopers that have laser guns that never really hit anything. Yeah, again, by the way, laser guns in 2009.

It happened, man. Well, that's kind of the weird thing about this movie. And, like, I think John Shea, Lois and Clark's Lex Luthor, explains that he's like, this is how the future is everybody. You've got the people at the top, you've got the people on the bottom,

but there's nobody in the middle. And that's what the production design is in this entire movie. It's like it's either shithole nothing or it's like bubble cars and laser boats. Yeah, why can't I just, get a nice shot of like a raised ranch house somewhere. You know what I

mean? A nice quaint three bedroom, two and a half bath. No, it's either squalor or palatial estates. What's his face? Romero did that in that land of the dead. It's the exact same thing. Replacing Mike the cleaner with

Dennis Hopper, though, that's a trade up. No offense to Jonathan Banks, but that's a trade up. Placing freejacks with zombies. That's a trade up. Man, how fucking unfortunate would it be if like you accidentally free jacked a zombie here's a good question

trade up or trade down from Emilio Estevez to John Leguizama which way are you going there Wait wait because John Legu Zama's in Land of the Dead Oh right right For acting or who I would I rather freejacked I mean bone jack Who would you rather bone and or free jack

You know boneberry kill or whatever BoJack Or screwjack or screwjack? Yes. Or the less popular yellow jack. Bojack, freejack or say jack. It's annoying because the outcome's always two different people and then Pat Say Jack. And he's always wasted.

I would not trade for Pat Sayjack any of those times. I guess Emilio Estav as most definitely I think has to be the answer. Yeah, he's better. I just can't suffer John Leguizamo in anything. Anything under the sun. I don't think there's been one thing where I'm like, you know, John Leguizama was okay in that. I mean, anything?

No. No, right? Well, we could talk about Emilio Estevez because he's the star of this movie and this movie we're doing in an episode. That's probably a good idea. I mean, he, I think he's a, Charlie Sheen's the better actor. I mean, it goes, you got your Martin, you got your Charlie,

you got Emilio, and then you got that weird twin that looks like, I don't even know. Wait, what? Is there another one? Martin Sheen's like brother. Joe Estabas. Oh, yes. From Soul Taker.

Yo, all right, I'll take Joe Estabez. He's got a list of credits I can get behind. I mean, these movies are so crazy. But I mean, I just feel like he's, Emilio Estabez is fine. Like, he's great in the breakfast club. Comedic and stuff, he's a little bit better. He cannot play a hard ass at all.

No, and that's what, I mean, I think he's great. in comedies. Yeah, I think Loaded Weapons are really hilarious movie. Yeah, he's funny in that. He's pretty good in those stakeout movies. I like him in those.

The Mighty Ducks movies are fine. Who cares? But he's not an action star in any capacity. You know, at least not a tough action star. Action comedy? Sure, I'll get behind that. But yeah, it's just,

you're supposed to be like, all right, one, he's a race car driver, which I guess is okay. I can accept that part. But like, he's shooting people and pointing Uzi's and Mick Jack tiger's face and it's just not happening. The weird thing about the Emilio Estevez

non-comedy roles is he's kind of like he's always in a car because you got Repo Man, you've got this movie and you've got that maximum overdrive. And men at work is a garbage truck. He's kind of like a what do you call it a little happy meal toy with a

different little car every time. Which I would love that set by the way. You got Emilio in a garbage truck? Emilio in a flying alien Cadillac or whatever, Harry Dean Stanton's driving around in that movie. By the way, I'm excited for that to come on Criterium Blu-ray. That'd be a great toy. It'd be just like this little

Cadillac hot wheel that glows in the dark. Yeah, totally. And this one is him and like Mick Jaggers in his dumb little tank and he's got a little bobblehead. Mick Jagger kind of is like a bobblehead anyway. He does. You know, if you got that character in the Happy Meal, it would be like when you ask your mom to ask the McDonald's attendant for a different toy and you're like, just Tell her I already have this one. It's, I mean, so the first real thing, like, he gets, you know, he's looking around, he goes to his old apartment and like in every futuristic future gone wrong movie, a black family lives there, which is, I don't get that.

It always rubs me the wrong way. Wait, what the fuck are you doing in my house? And it's like, well, they just live. It's the future, man. They just moved in. It's fine. That's the other thing. It's also, I mean, it's shitty because they.

The future's way too progressive for my taste. They bring in all the whole, you know, like economic part of it, which. which is really shitty. But the other coin, the other side of that coin is like, look, it's been 18 years. What if René Russo's just banging a black guy now? Amelia Westefez is like, how dare you open this door? I don't understand it.

It's like, it's always like, oh my God, the future is not what I expected. Like, so black guy lives in the house? That would be great if René Russo was behind that door too. And the dude just like turns there. He's like, Julie, you know, this clown. It would be. Kind of a better movie. But no, of course, it's like, it's some other family.

And of course, the guy's got a sawn off shotgun that he points in his face. Like, get out of here, Turkey. And you're like, oh, man. And the wife is like, oh, I know where that woman lives. She moved out of here years ago. I don't know what the fuck lives in my apartment before they did. Because he's like, oh, I'm looking for Julie so-and-so. And she's like, oh, well, she hasn't lived here for years.

I'm like, what business is it of yours? What's great is the lady starting? to put together and she's just like oh my god he's a free jack no that's impossible i was with her here this morning oh my god he's a free jack what we can't help you can anybody help you get away i'll call central now move now all right the whole the world of body jacking or bone jacking rather and being a free jack question I have right so she's like oh my god he's a free jack you know Henry close the door whatever you know this this is what I want to ask is like the whole thing of a free jack getting away such a huge problem that society knows like oh my god one he must be a free jack

and two I'm going to be reprimanded for harboring a free jack I can't let him into my house How many times are other, you know, Emilio Estevez is breaking away from Mick Jagger's clutches? I think I just cracked this nut. And I believe that we were talking earlier about JFK, possibly being the first free Jack. Jack Kennedy, free Jack. They got Jack Kennedy, blasted him into the future. And I'm not going to go along with that. And then he was the first free Jack.

And that's why the term is so popular because you had an ex-president running around the streets blowing people to hell. So Jack Kennedy was like that monkey at the end of Planet of the Apes who says no, that rise of the planet of the Apes. Jack Kennedy was like, Ira, no, I will not be your body double. Yes. That's what you say? I want to see that movie.

I'd like to see that free Jack. Jack Kennedy and a talking chimp just going around trying to take down Anthony Hopkins and Mick Jagger, way better movie. I think it has as much to do with the sci-fi source material as this project does. Whatever bullshit novel this is written off of. You know, some 1950s book that's kind of essentially just about time travel. I think it's called Immortality, Inc. Yeah, you know, and it's like time travel as a business, but that's pretty much where it stops.

So, yeah, so he goes to that apartment, gets shot out by those people and seeks refuge in a church where we meet, what I think to be one of the most annoying. character actors working today, Amanda Plummer, playing a hard apple nun. I like Amanda Plummer. I think that she's got an off-kilter sensibility. I think she's great in Pulp Fiction. I give her a pass on everything. And so I married an ex-murderer. Steve's just like, you know what, guys, she's always playing the same bipolar chick. It's great. In this Congress of We Hate Movies, I will abstain

my vote on Amanda Plum. Oh, wow. Sit Downs. So he goes to this church and passes out And not even in the wretched year of 2009 Can you find sanctuary anymore? Because she's like, does she pull a gun on him right here? She does. She's a big old nun with a gun.

Mother Superior Exposition comes in And it's like, okay, you're a free jack. This is how it goes. You got to get your three tokens. I mean, I don't even know what the hell. The point is he just has to outlast Mc Jagger in this movie. Well, that's the thing. There's really no.

kind of goal like he's trying to find the person who bought his body right but there are some stakes here also for the antagonist that is anthony hopkins because he's in the spiritual switchboard which Jesus Christ is you know he uploads via the Jesus Christ uh colon backslash computer and he's in this grid that's like some type of internet and he's only there for 36 hours they need to get a nice jack in that seat within that time. Do you think, so Mick Jagger comes into the

where Anthony Hopkins consciousness is being held, right? And, you know, you can communicate with him. Like, he communicates throughout this whole movie electronically. It's kind of like Ghost in the Machine. And, you know, Mick Jagger walks in, he's like, hey man, uh, totally lost Emilio Estevez.

Like, it's just, it's not going to happen. But guess what? I have this really cool Chinese guy that we just bone jack you think anthony hopkins is having a problem with that I hope not being the body of a Chinese man I think he would have a problem with it

oh that's one vote you'll pass where is anthony I mean this is right this is right before Silence of the Lamb no this is his first theatrical film after playing Hannibal Lecter it must have been filmed before

you know right before he got not nominated. Ah, I mean, it's possible. Do you think they reject him into this movie? Where am I? His contract reject him. Yeah, I mean, I don't know if this was a movie that was kind of shelved and then maybe

released when he won the Oscar kind of a thing. But I mean, this is right there. Like, when this movie came out, I mean, he had been Hannibal Lecter already. He could have done Hannibal Lecter and then immediately booked this afterwards before it was released. Yeah, not knowing what was going to happen. I mean, he also, I mean, There's no way in hell he didn't just film this role in a day.

There's just, yeah, it's mostly him doing, like, like, video, talking into the camera stuff. Yeah, Vid phone. Yeah, he's talking into his Vid phone. Yeah, please. So that's like, he's doing those in one take because he's Anthony Hopkins and he's a professional. He's just like, change my time, we'll do the next one. You know what I mean? Like, that kind of thing.

And by the way, yeah, the whole thing with him is he owns this big corporation that has developed the bone jacking technology, among other things. It's one of those corporations, like I said, it's got a finger in a lot of pies. and he is Renee Rousseau's boss. René Rousseau, we come to find out, is this very high-powered businesswoman in 2009. She's really made something of herself. Honestly, probably wouldn't have gone that way if she stayed with that deadbeat race car driver.

Well, that's the weird thing with this movie, is it also kind of thinks that that's a bad thing? Like, the fact that she works for this bullshit fucking corporation and she's not living in a fucking squat, makes her a bitch. And it's like, I think that's fine. Well, I mean, it's sort of like this socioeconomic. economic complaint that this movie has against her is that she lives down at battery park in like this this fancy skyscraper while only part of the city is in this normal zone and the

rest of it's like escape from new york yeah what's kind of ironic about this 2009 new york city is that if you look at that map i think like the golden part of town is just everything below 14th street which isn't necessarily true some of those areas below 14th street well you know, the more and more rich people move to the city every day and they just, that's what they do, man. So this is 2009 was like when gentrification really hit a peak.

I kind of got freejacked out of New York. I live in New Jersey now. You got freejacked right out of this town. You know, it's true. The rent is too damn high. I could have to freejack that joke back to 2008. You know, if anyone

wants to swoop in here and joke jack some of these, go for him. So he meets up with this pal Buster Poindexter. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. So, like, he's like, oh, hey, it's you. Oh, my God. You totally got freejacked. Like, everybody, no one's shocked

about the freejacking. Everyone's like, oh, look, it's a free jack. Like, yeah, totally. Buster Poindexter acts like he saw him yesterday. Yeah. Oh, come on in, Emilio. And you're just like, really? Not any kind of like, hey, man, where are you been? You're a living ghost.

like nothing that would be great if it's just like someone gets like oh man you're a free Jack blah blah blah blah and this is like turns out he was just a ghost

he's a ghost the whole time that would be a great twist ending he actually died yeah and he's just been a ghost the whole time that's somehow tangible yeah that time

in the jewelry store when he breaks the mirror that his wife's looking at that's because he was a ghost Buster Poindex has got a bullshit thing where he lives in a slum But he's kind of like a low level criminal So he's got like a stack of boxes

That's actually like a Murphy bed Type situation Like it's a fold down wall And he's like You know in this kind of society You just got to keep all your worldly possessions Out of harms away And I'm like oh he's a secret rich man

That's cool And this wall comes down And it's kind of just the same apartment On the other side It's got one of those like a blue liquid like bouncing back and forth kind of things. Behind the false walls where I keep my swans and dinners. There's a lot of cartons of like cool cigarettes hanging around.

And he lives in, this is for our New York listeners, this will make sense. He lives in Park Slope, the neighborhood of Brooklyn, which has been just dilapidated to the point where it looks like the set of Deadwood, but it has porno theaters. It is Deadwood with 3D porn. theaters. Oh, yeah, they're 3D nudes. Jim J. Bullock would love that. That's not his name. What's his name in that movie? Seth Bullock, isn't it? Yes. Yeah, there you go. Who's Jim J. Bullock?

That's the guy that used to be on... He runs the Daily Bugle in New York City. It's Joe to Jameson. Oops. Jim J. Bullock played Monroe on Too Close for Comfort. Oh, my God. Yeah, you're right. Yeah. We'll watch them Too Close for Comfort. Is that on Netflix? I don't think so. That's too bad.

So back to this movie. You can see, by the way, I mean, this is a movie where we're just going a little tangent heavy Because seriously, it's bone jacking, eight car chases, and then the end of the movie. That's really all we're dealing with here. The one thing, the thread is, and it should be, it should be your Jean Valjean and your whatever the fuck fat Russell Crow is in that movie. Oh, Judge Dredd. Yes, Jean Valjean and Judge Tread. the classic Victor Hugo

pairing. That lay miserable Les miserables. His name is Javert Javert yeah. It should be that right like it's just he's chasing them up and down and you know what I mean like and they hate each other's fucking guts and that should be kind of the core of the movie that they're on opposite ends

even they could be friends but they're not because they hate each other so much yeah you know I would have loved actually if this movie ended with Mick Jagger thrown him into whatever fucking water cesspool that was. That is the suicide of the century. Russell Crow in that movie. He just bites it on that thing. Thud. Oh man. Take that Javert. Whoa. Spoilers.

Spoilers from a fucking 20-year-old musical. And quite possibly the best picture of the year by the time this releases. Yeah, actually, that's true. Possibly not. So Buster Poindexter takes Emilio

to this park slope bar and uh you can really tell we're in a dystopian time period because the only signs on the walls for the only beer ads on the walls are shafer and schlitz yeah schaefer and schlitz only visible beer labels in a park slope bar you know what you could bone jack me 25 years of the future if that's the case keep bone jacking me until until microbrews come back just a holdover I mean, you know, I like Schlitz and Schaefer as much as the next person needs an emergency backup can of beer in the back of the fridge. But, you know, if it's a society where how the fuck did Budweiser lose out to those people? I mean, this truly is a wretched society.

Franchise wars, man. We've seen them in demolition, man. Oh, man. Those fast food wars that Taco Bell somehow won. Yeah, so it's just Taco Bell and Schlitz and Schlitz and Schaefer are the only ones left Duke in it out anymore. So I guess then the state of Wisconsin is the only place that's allowed to brew beer anymore. That's right. There's an American purity law and they also manufacture helmets.

It's like a little oasis in this Midwestern death desert. So in the shock of the century, Buster Poindexter turns out not to be a reputable person. What are you talking about? With a voice like this, how can I possibly be crooked? How can I be human garbage? Go sit out, Emilio. I'm just going to make a phone call. And he, of course, calls Mick Jagger and the Bone Jacket Brigade.

1-800 Bone Jacker. The Bone Jacker tip line? Let me handle this, please. Red, I got to talk to her. Listen, man, these things can see you. They can hear you. Your voice goes out of one of these lines you're done for. Now, trust me.

But he's like, he's saying to him, like, listen, I'm going to call René Russo. You can't use the phone. because if your voice goes over these futuristic telephone lines, they'll catch you in a second. And he calls Mc Jagger. He calls the cops and whatever. And there's a big struggle. All the Bone Jackers show up.

And he's like, oh, you rated me out. And like, you'd figure either Emilio Estevez would kill Buster point Dexter or Mick Jagger's crew. Yeah, that makes sense, right? But he was just kind of messing with this hobo's lunch,

like trying to be in a dick. And the guy pulled out a gun and shot him in the chest. Fuck was my plate of beans, will you? He spilled some of the grueler slop on him or something And it just takes him out It just kills him. Just shoots him dead. Well, you know, he's kind of a dick to him when they walk in though

Because he's kind of flirting with this waitress. And then like he does pick food off this dude's plate. So that hobo by 2009 law has every right to assassinate him. Yeah, I mean they are in Deadwood, Brooklyn. So he's dead. And now we're just in another. This a series of car chases And a motorcycle chase.

Motorcycle car. It's a low speed motorcycle chase. It's like Emilio Estevez for the first three quarters of this chase is on foot, outrunning motorcycles down alleys. That is the level of high octane we're reaching with this movie. And, you know, he commandeers a car and like he's kind of talking to Mick Jagger via a laptop. And like it's a stupid thing where he keeps. closing the laptop and Mick Jagger keeps making it pop open from somewhere else

trying to get rid of me, eh? Not going to happen today. And it's like, oh my God, shut up. These like 1990s filmmakers, it was like yeah, by the time of 2009 rolls around, sure laptops can pop open on command. What are you crazy? We're going to get tired of opening these

computers with our hands. They predicted Skype. So blah, blah, blah, big motorcycle chase. He makes his way into a car and then it's a car versus tank race. and he finally gets to Renee Rousseau's apartment building and breaks in.

He got her home address off a Poindexter there. And it's just, you know, it's like, she thinks that he's whoever bone jacked him and she's like, you know, don't just cut. So I guess that must happen is like, you look through the sexual history of whoever you bone jacked. You're like, hey, maybe I can make this happen and you just go visit.

Also, a big problem with this movie is Renee Rousseau and Buster Poindexter, Need age makeup, but they don't have it because it's 20 years in the future. How on earth was this skipped over? And it's not like we're complaining like they did a poor job and we're being picky about it. Literally nothing has happened to these people in 18 years. You couldn't even put fucking baby powder and Buster Poindex's hair. No, there's no sign of like older hair, no like fake crow's feet or anything.

Maybe it's Mabelene. Do you think it's one of those things they didn't really like. maybe it's a deleted scene where it's like, you know, like Brazil. By the time 2009 rolls around like, you know, like cosmetic surgery is just like through the roof rate. That's what it has to be.

And I'm guessing that these old rich men probably live to like 200 before they need a good bone jack. Yeah, I mean, who knows what's going to happen in 2009? I guess we could just all speculate. Just sit around and speculate at the magical, wonderful year of 2009. It was just, it was a far.

off dream to these people. Like, they're sitting around making this movie like, well, we're all going to be dead by then, right? So who cares? You'll be 41. Like, what do you think? Jeez, might as well be bone jacks. I just don't understand it.

She'll only get bone jacked before I'm 40. So she starts freaking out and, you know, calls security on him and everything. And then Jagger shows up again. And then, yeah, and then exactly, Jagger shows up again. And we're just back in another chase. scene it's just yeah i mean like that's the problem with this movie it's just a soggy middle of

it's cat and mouse but it's not the action isn't really choreographed very well there's not a lot of thought about what the future is you know what i mean it's just the really the only thing this movie's got going for it is like who who really is behind it all but obviously it has to be anthony hopkins from scene one you know that he's behind this entire bone jacking scandal there's no reason to keep it a secret the the three the three the three the three twists at the last parts of this movie are one Jonathan Banks is more evil than he said out to be big fucking surprise Anthony Hopkins is on top and

Mick Jagger's kind of best pals with Emilio Estabez yeah that one is probably the most surprising but I mean the Jonathan Banks thing too it's out of nowhere where he's like by the way Walter if Anthony Hopkins doesn't get into Emilio's body then I'm going to somehow be the head of this corporation. And you're like, oh, so, oh, it's a power play? Well, whatever, because that's the other thing, right?

This is how this Mick Jagger, Emilio Estevez's friendship blossoms because Jonathan Banks, being crooked like he is, hires mercenaries to go and, like, counterstrike Mick Jagger's squadron and wipe them all out. And Emilio Estevez, for no reason, saves Mick Jagger's life at the end of one of these car chase slash shootouts which is really ridiculous I mean this guy's been hunting you from day one and he

drives around in a candy red apple tank and he I mean you should have just killed Jagger there. Kill Jack him yeah you gotta kill Jack him well because what is that setting up so like oh he's our grand hero

so he's not going to take a level what is he fucking Batman just kill this guy exactly they're like giving him like a higher sense of like moral being or whatever and they're also playing up that stupid like oh well we both respect each other so much even though we're fighting each I hate that

what happens what if at the end of no country for old man Antron Sugar just comes up to fucking Josh Bulls like hey want to go get a beer instead of fight each other and like they just go and just hang out somewhere isn't that a better movie? No of course not they need to be at odd but here's the thing

is at least with that is they know like In No Country of Old Men, Woody Haraldson's character knows of Harvey Bardem's characters, like, sorted history. So there can maybe be some type of like, well, I, you're so good at what you do type of thing. But this, they just, Mick Jagger and Milo Estabez met the other day. Like, why would you have a respect for each other? He's just another freejack, man.

Yeah, totally. It's just another free jack. You've presumably, because you are billed as like the best freejack bounty hunter in the whole world. you've done this before he's an Excel spreadsheet that you never you forgot to click save on now he's running around town you gotta get him professional bone jacker

and he calls towards the start of the movie when Emilio initially gets away he he tells his troopers to get the meat yeah okay get the meat this this movie takes place total tops over 48 hours

it feels like fucking 48 hours I'll tell you that much there's no way this dude's going from mate to Best Buds were winking at each other as you let him go at the end of this movie. Because by the way, he literally just

lets him drive off into the sunset with Renee Rousseau. It makes no goddamn sense. And it just guts this movie. I mean, like, he's like, I mean, he's not a great character and Mick Jagger's a pretty terrible actor. So like, there's not, but like he, if there is a cool character in this movie, if you're trying to make

a cool character, it's Mick Jagger. And the way you keep him cool is became as a villain. They definitely wanted to make him a cool character. Yeah. Oh, without a doubt. What was his name again in this movie? Oh, that's right. Vesendac. Vesndac. It's me. Hello, it's me. Vesndac.

You're bored yet? And everybody is calling him Vicendac. Everybody knows who Vesendac is. He's a citywide figure. That's his name. He has a red tank. Yeah, he's supposed to be a cool guy. He's like

Ray Kelly, if he was a rock star, the chief of police of New York. I don't care if your name's Vesendak. I'm going to call you Walter regardless. The only way I could access this impression. I refuse to

I refuse to pronounce Polish last name, Walter. You're Walter White. How about that Vesendac? You know what? You just did it. You know what, grandpa, you call me Walter one more time. I am leaving today.

look Walter who's going to provide for your future your deadbeat mother that we don't really know too much about on this show I don't get that what's with Mike the Cleaner's mother or daughter she's just you know she's figuring it out you think they had a falling out

because he drops her off that one time and he's like say goodbye Walter it really is the only way I could sort of drop into doing that voice is saying Walter I mean the third act Now we're the third act of this movie

I want to quickly touch on something is There's not many of them in this movie Of the action star quip But at one point A bonejacking Stormtrooper Falls upon Emilio's car And he does this maneuver

To throw the guy from the car And he says Mom told me to never pick up hitchhikers Oh classic movie move. And you could just tell because Emilio Estevez's voice is just a little too high to pull it off. It's like this guy's not destined for action movie

stardom. Well, okay, let me ask you this though. Everybody caught Emilio Estevez doing an Arnold Schwarzenegger impression in this movie, right? No. He totally quotes Terminator in this movie. He's yelling at Mick Jagger and he's in his like, you know, sort of

high crazy Emilio Estevez's voice. And then he just goes, fuck you asshole. Oh, yeah. yeah that's right he does he does the terminator slash commando line in this movie and his last his character's name is alex furlong i kept thinking about edward fairlong and terminator through the whole thing talk about wanting to watch another movie while fucking free jacks up holy shit another great thing that they set up in this movie is that uh they actually give a a price of how much emilio stevese is worth this is exorbitant he's the ten million dollar man

$10 million for this guy. That's how much Anthony Hopkins doesn't want to live in a Chinese man's body. I mean, wouldn't you want somebody that's 5-8? Like, literally, if you're going to spend 10 million bucks, I'm going to get LeBron James. That's a great...

It's perfect. I'll finally get into my crawl space. I'm like, I always wanted to be a... The next hundred years, it'll be a little man, you know? Just getting into things. Well, okay. You own the company that does, is bone jacking so you're probably

if not getting it for free maybe an employee discount that's pretty sweet but if you are paying it it's not cheap right like you're stealing someone from the past and putting your consciousness into their body pretty heavy price tag yeah so on top of that

stupid Vesendac lets this dude escape now you got to throw out another 10 million dollars the way of the way the way he's like just goes under things all the time The FedEx got a big net. They just go, whoop.

Now, and this is also something that's stupid. Like, $10 million is a lot of money, too, idiot, you know, people like us. But to McAnlis, who pretty much owns the city slash America, maybe, that's not a lot of money. Why wouldn't you at least have a backup? If you're like, this is the day, I got to do my bone jacking, get a backup. Oh, you know, I think part of it is, and this is kind of in the movie, and I'm not making this up entirely, is that he wants to be with Rene Rousseau. And he knows that she's got a thing.

So it's like kind of, it's like being... She's got a thing for that guy. That dead guy. Like, it's kind of like being... You're the creepiest boss in history. Like, you can't even make it happen just because you're the rich old guy at work. So you have to like steal some young man's body

that she used to bang. That's great. Now, the next, you know, if the next girl you meet, you like her, what you should do is just steal the body of her ex-boyfriend. and then put your mind into it. I mean, I can understand Anthony Hopkins logic, but like seriously, he just walks in like, hello, Jew, remember me from 18 years ago? And she's like, oh, that boyfriend I had, like, you have to have details down pretty hardcore.

This theory is a lot better than my theory, which was that Anthony Hopkins is a fan of long, deceased, amateur, funny car racers. He's been them all. just cycling through them number three rip so uh he jumps off emilio estuvez that is jumps off the manhattan bridge at one point in a big detour that this movie takes for some reason and i want to talk about it really quickly because it sets up a really stupid thing that never really gets paid off in this movie so he washes ashore which you know jumping into that east river in 2009 like even mcjack It's like, if he swallows any of that water, he's dead.

And I'm like, yeah, that's right. They got 2009 right there. But I mean, or, I mean, look how bad that water would be in this post-apocalyptic New York. Mr. McAnlis, I'm calling it off. He's got herpes. He's got to have herpes. You're going to find some other racer that, some other wacky racer that died. Maybe Snithely Whiplash.

That would be the perfect body. It's a little taller than Emilio Estab. Could you bone jack that dog to put Jonathan Bakes in him? Woof, woof, Walter. So he watches a show in Brooklyn and he runs across character actor Frankie Faison. Also, his biggest movie since playing the orderly in Silence of the Lambs. And Frankie Faison is kind of this, you know, prophetic homeless man who's eating grilled river rat because that's the future and it's either

rich people or poor people eating dead rats and he's he reveals that somehow and again this makes no sense but somehow over the course of his short adventure in 2009 amelio estuvese has become a modern day folk hero to the poor people of new york city why what why Why? 24-hour news cycle. They got to print something, I guess. I don't get it either. What is he inspiring?

He's a white guy. He could get away from the mega money men. Right, but the whole thing is the reason why they're not bonejacking people in present day, as Buster Poindexter explains in his expository monologue, is because, again, in just a short 18 years, the ozone's been completely eradicated from the planet. So everyone's got a bunch of health problems. So he's like, it's pointless to bonejack a person who lives in the present day because they're so fucking disgusting and riddled with diseases. That's bullshit, man.

If I was Anthony Hopkins, I would get a bunch of babies and raise them until like they're like, you know, like two or three. Well, you know, you have people to do that. Anthony Hopkins baby farm. Yeah. And then you put yourself into a baby, you know? I mean, you still have your mind and everything. How annoying would that be, though? If your adult consciousness went into a baby and you're just pissing and shitting yourself and you can't talk or you can talk and then you're a creepy talking baby, which nobody wants to deal with.

Baby genius, man, sign me up. You'd be fucking butcher. They would be like, holy shit, this is a mistake from God and kill you. What's the mistake? A talking baby who sounds like Anthony Hopkins, but he's still shitting his pants. It's a mistake. I don't think that's God. I think that's Satan.

But I would totally do it. That'd be great because then, I mean, think of how powerful you will be once you come into your own again. Eric Siska's baby farm, I guess. Baby Jack. Is that creepier to Jack babies? I mean, yes, it's creepier to Jack baby. At least they haven't had a life yet, you know? It's not like I'm taking anything that they've experienced.

Apropos of nothing, which is the subtitle of this episode, is I was looking at a catalog from the 92nd Streetwide the other day, and one of the classes or courses they offer is baby massage. And I've been sitting on this for a while, because I find it really disturbing and weird. Why is the description? It's just like, you know, come with your baby. I got to bring my own baby. You're going to provide the baby. for this baby massage or what?

Like, what the fuck's a baby got to be tense for? Unless they're Anthony Hopkins. Yes. You know what? Sign me up. Put me to baby. Give me a massage. Thank you, 90 seconds.

Street Wife are offering this course. My baby's constantly tearing muscles on the uneven bars. What the fuck do you need to massage a baby for? Well, they're in taxis and everybody's a little tense. Well, maybe it's a thing if, like, your baby has some sort of health problems, then they're like maybe it's justified but you know what just don't call it baby massage okay everybody you could check that out that's a real thing and it's gross and it's weird steve say an ex baby massage real eric siska's baby farm not just yet maybe in 2009 you can

have a baby exactly i'm holding out for that other dimensional 2009 so he's a folk hero and it comes to nothing because no one ever brings it up ever again. And, I mean, it's not even like anyone gives a shit aside from Mick Jagger. So, like, yeah, he saves Mick Jagger. And now Mick Jagger's kind of on his side, but still kind of going after him because he's like, he's a guy. Like, you know nothing else about Mick Jagger. So he's defined by his job. So he has that, that he's nothing.

He's just a shark. He has to continue hunting or he'll die. Yeah. And one place where they track him down is at 42nd and 8th Avenue, which is this, this like, club called Industrial Revolution and it's basically it's a little weird it's a little weird club well this is what's kind of stupid it's your standard future bar it's a it's a future bar slash gay club if uh you know your society is so terrible now right with like there's no ozone and everybody's got health problems why would

you name your club like after an era where there was nothing but fucking black lung and child labor, death. Because we can relate to it and we like putting gears on the walls. Because we have fun here. It's like fucking Fridays. And yeah, of course, it's like, again, it's 18 years of the future. And of course, we're drinking fucking Romulan

ale because it's so out of control. It's totally Romulan ale. It's blue and it fucks you up real good. It doesn't make any sense. Like, it's, there's no way time changes that quickly, everybody. Maybe by 2009, we would have made first contact with the Romulan

empire. Oh, that's true. You know what? Maybe first contact split our dimension, too. We're just in this bullshit 2013, which is boring. I know. And then you got the Romulan 2009, and you got the Borg one. So we're in the Borg one

where we're not lucky enough to have baby farms. That's what you're saying. Yep. We got the baby massage I did the stick. There is a God damn you, 90 seconds for you. Why? What is that? There is a great sex seen in this movie between, of course, Emilio Estevez and René Russo, where he finally convinces

her that he's not Anthony Hopkins or whoever she thinks he is. And there's a great line where like he tries to make a move and she's sort of not having it. And she just goes, I watched you die. And then he, without saying anything, grabs her face and they just get it on. And totally awesome sexy saxophone is playing. I watched you die There's actually There's actually a sexy saxophone in this movie that you think that's like oh yeah they're just laying that's like oh yeah they're just laying that on there that's great And then I saw a hobo with a saxophone.

You got homos in the bedroom? Oh, maybe, yeah. Well, that's like the ultimate thing for the rich, right, is that you can subjectate a homeless person so much that they have to play the saxophone while you have sex with somebody. My name's Joe. I live in the closet.

I play the sex. Emilio gives an interview on television at that club I was talking about. Then they can find them again because all the, you know, the ding-dongs go off in the, in the, bone jacker lab and they're like oh we traced him he he's at this club because his ringer went off and then they go down you know they they go to chase him again so we get more chasing him again what i love about what those exchanges were at the bone jacker headquarters was like hey i found him boss

oh really what piece of sophisticated technology did you use to track him down oh nothing he's doing a television interview right now and he's all drunk because he's like pissed on this romulan and he's just like, my name's Emilio Aceviz, and I'm a race car driver, and I'm also a free jack. Whipty fuck. I'm sitting there like all right, like I know you're drunk,

but really, you're giving away every detail of who you are. Yeah, I mean, your character name is supposed to be Alex Furlong. I couldn't think of what it was. And I mean, like, Mitch Jack's like, oh, good, because I was standing here doing

nothing, because he's just, every time he's not thrown that he loves the good stand prolog has it thrown to him he's got no move he's not some like fucking brilliant detective and now we wait like esai morales

is like hey boss i tracked him down and mick jagger is literally playing video games over in the corner he's like that's pong 2009's great oh what you found him i have to go back to work all right it's weird at this this 2009 that video

game technology stalled to a crawl. He is playing a really shitty video game. Also, by the way, great scene where we finally discover that Jonathan Banks is more crooked than we'd realize is he somehow is able to bring

in Amanda Plummer's Nunn character again. And it's a lot of like, now Walter, tell me where the free jack is. And she just kicks him in the balls. Classic ball kick. Man, is a big old nut kick.

They focus on this for a while. It's like 10, 15 seconds of him just heave it about his nuts. And he does the classic Jerry Lewis I cross gag. It's like one of the surf ninjas kicked him in the balls. There is a huge tone problem with this

movie because it's like it's trying to be gritty in this like cool sci-fi thing. But it goes for like such dumb gags and like Arnold impressions. Yeah, I don't get why we need so much goddamn comedy in this movie. And it's bad. Attempts at comedy. Yeah, it's not good

comedy. Because Emilio can't handle. We've seen, we've evidence he can handle a comedy. So third act of this movie, they get to the top of the fucking tower which is, it's kind of awkward because it's located where the World Trade

Center was and this building kind of looks like the Freedom Tower. It's actually next. Is it right next door? Yes, because the twin towers are standing in 2009. I don't know if you guys knew that, but they're still up. Then there's the giant like Freedom Tower thing. It's like McCandless Corporation Tower, but it looks exactly like the Freedom Tower.

You think those, uh, those, those mafia connected architects that design the Freedom Tower, watch this movie and they were like, yeah, that'll do. I'll do a Free Jack, the Freedom Tower. We're going to inject that building from the fake year 2009. And then they, they zap that building from that fake world into the real world. Sort of like how King Cooper did it. Yeah, it took a pit stop in the King Cooper dimension and it took a left into our world. I mean, it's just the, it's your standard, I guess standard.

It's we're all in the tower together and like everyone's going to sit you down and tell you what the movie's been about this whole time. So like, John of the bank's like, all right, Walt, they're sitting. sit down. I got a really long story to tell you, which you clearly could not give a shit about, but I used to be a cop. So listen to me. He just goes on and on about like, you know, now I'm going to, you know, once he's dead, then I could take over the corporation. God knows what. And, uh, you know, this guy was beating up on his girlfriend. And I had to keep going over then. She didn't want to press charges, Walter. And he gets out and he sings Danny Boy. And it just, just rubbed me raw.

All right, everyone press pause and go watch Breaking Band, the entire series, and then come back. Get that fix and come back. Yeah, so he's like, all right, you know, here's my whole plan to a degree. He doesn't let in on this whole head of the corporation thing, but he's like, oh, you're aiding this free Jack René Russo. Well, guess what? You're fired. Anthony Hopkins wants to talk to you.

And then they go into what is a total ripoff of the X-Men danger room. Like, they walk in, and it's just this big, like nothing room. And then all of a sudden, it becomes a whole hologram thing. And Anthony Hopkins comes in and he's like, by the way, I've been dead the whole time. And in this hologram world, like, the way the world looks is weird. There's like clouds are going real quick. They're like in a weird desert. To me, I thought it was Saturn from the Beetlejuice movie.

And I thought a sandworm was about to get them. You imagine if that's how Mick Jagger's character was killed off. He's just eaten by a digital sandworm. This movie could use a beetle juice. It could use a couple of beetle juices. It needs an anarchic character that's going to stir up some trouble. That's not fucking Emilio Estavit. Yeah, you know, an interesting character, I wouldn't mind watching.

It needs both Michael Keaton and the Howard Stern sidekick beetle juice. All of them. Both of Beetle juices need to be in this. movie to save it. Did that other Beetlejuice die? No, that was, uh, that's a shitty Beetlejuice impression. Uh, no, that was Hank the angry, drunken Dorff passed away. Okay. Beetlejuice is going to come up from time to time on low, like, D-level direct to DVD horror movies. Yeah, you'll get that. So, I mean, and now Anthony Hopkins has got a yard to talk to you about, about all of the things he's done in his life. So many snake oil salesmen in this movie.

So many goddamn life stories that I don't need. The end of this movie is like that movie Waking Life. Everyone's just like fucking blurry and just jawing on about shit I couldn't care less about. It's like, wait, what? Is this a dream? Am I in the future, the past? I don't, am I being jacked? Yeah, you know, when I sit down to watch my sci-fi action thriller, I want a bunch of philosophical musings about the end of your life.

Thanks a lot, Anthony Hopkins. I'm sorry, Jew sorry to deceive you Mr. Furlong, please believe me I never meant you any harm either we took you out of affection of the second before your death the process however did not shorten your natural life

What about trying to shorten my unnatural life? And I always fancied shorter men I always, I like Napoleon I like Mugsy Bokes My favorite basketball star Why would you want a guy so short? I don't get it.

Unless the theory about him wanting Renee Rousseau works out. So he gives his whole long spiel. And then he's like, all right, you know, I'm sorry, man. I can see that you guys are really meant for each other. Just punch in this code on this keypad and you'll delete me. Now, Amelia Westavis totally falls for this. And it's really disappointing because as the star of this action movie, you should know by now, to trust anyone that's associated with this

corporation. You can't trust the hired hand bounty hunter in Mick Jagger. You certainly can't trust Jonathan Banks as his like number two guy and whatever. Why then would you immediately trust the top of this corporation? Well, because I guess what else are you

going to do at this point? You're at the final level in the video game. There's literally nowhere else for this movie to go. You can't beat up a hologram. And I mean, like this should be a race. Like, he's a race car driver. Like, maybe it's like, if you can out race me, then you win, Free Jack. Like something.

Right. Just turn the bullshit hologram. Holy shit. He makes him have a Tron legacy race. Yeah. On those awesome neon motorcycles. Oh, shit. And daft punk starts playing.

Yes. You see, Alex, I'll be trapped in the grid unless I get into your body by midnight. Ah, so he's a big liar. And then Jonathan Banks comes in and he's like, no, Walter. I told you that you. You got to get in his body. This is getting a bit ridiculous. And it's like literally a, like,

deffy duck cartoon where, like, they each have their hand on one, like, pod and, like, there's a dumb, fake science electricity going. So much force lightning is happening. There's some, they fall into an ocean of JPEGs. I mean, this is, I mean, this movie's 92, and I believe, is lawnmower

man's around the same time Yeah Lawnmower man Looks like it was made in 2009 compared to the graphics And it's a series of shitty quality JPEGs Of like

Shots from the movie Like I guess it's memories Of Emilio Estevez Oh and listen to Emilio Estevez's great action movie Scream Stick to to family-oriented hockey comedies.

So after all this, you see his body like float into like a black nothing. René Russo in the middle of it takes a gun and blows like there's a force crystal in the middle of it. It is a force crystal. She blows Jorella away. This whole machine goes up.

Anthony Hopkins is deleted from the Matrix. Well, but the thing is enough time has passed that there have been bone jacking transfer is done in that matter of time. So there's this whole thing that everyone in the room is like, who is he? Is he McCandless? Is he that dumb race car driver?

What's going on? And this is where Emilio Estevez has a time to shine as portray, we were treated to him playing Anthony Hopkins, trying to do Anthony Hopkins like dialogue as this evil character. Right, but he's playing it as like

I, Emilio Estevez, the actor, I'm not trying to do an Anthony Hopkins impersonation so much as I, Emilio Estevez, the actor, am doing like a, this is what a rich and powerful person sounds like. Say there, René Russo, get in the car. Hey, you, Mick Jagger, bring the car around first. Like, it's just, it's so unconvincing that if I am Mike the cleaner or fucking Mick Jagger, I'm instantly like, well, this transfer didn't work and you're still the dumb race car driver and you know like Mike the Cleaners are all

Jonathan Banks is like oh I finally won Walter now I'm the king of the company and then like Mick Jagger's like I don't think so I think that's McCandless and they go through this whole thing and he's like what's your personal access code and it's like are you kidding me numbers yeah okay it's the movie's

over let's just sit around while Emilio Estevez recites a couple of numbers for everybody and it's just like you start saying numbers and like Mick Jagger's like yes that's correct sorry Mike the cleaner and he blows him away and it's like oh my god it's Anthony Hopkins now I I guess but because we've seen all the rest of the movie free jack yeah we know that it's obviously just going to be Amelia west yeah it's like at the end of the day if he's like actually Anthony Hopkins in there and the transfer worked like that's kind of a redeeming like you know

a negative side to the story you're ending on like okay your movie's got a little bit of stone attached to it. But in this case, you just got a Rolling Stone who's fucking talking Emilio Estevez and pretending like he doesn't know what's going on. And everyone in this movie is fooled, but the audience. You know what I mean?

And he goes to drive away. And this is the end of the movie. He tells René Russo to get in this car and they're going to drive out of this battery park city compound. And then Sugar comes up to Josh Froland is like, my birthday parties next week. Would you like to come?

You know, Zool and all the Ghostbusters go out for coffee. They just decided to call it a draw, you know. I think Katz's is still open, Zool. You want to go grab a bite? So they get to this fucking driveway. And Mick Jagger's like, you know, hey, just so you know, you blew it when you decided to drive yourself because apparently Anthony Hopkins is incapable of driving a car. Yeah, I'm going to live hundreds of years.

Or whatever the fuck. And I'm never going to learn to drive. Okay. And he's like, all right. I just thought you should know. That's where you slipped up. And he like points and he's like, God's out of the way.

And then it's Serpico and the rest of the New York cops form of a fucking fantasy football league. Because that's the kind of movie we're making now. Why not? That's the end of it. Yeah. And those numbers he recited. Mick Jagger lied about them.

And because he just spouted nonsense. I guess. There is no reason for Emilio Estevez to save his life earlier in the movie. And even if he does, well, fucking foolish you, Emilio Estavis, because this is supposed to be a true villain. He should be like, oh, you thought we were friends just because you saved my life. Well, guess what? Blammo. shoots him in the head right in the car. But what would all, I mean, the thing is like, you're transferring Anthony Hopkins mind into Emilio Estabez. Is it that far fetch that maybe some would stay behind? Like, oh, he would know the number maybe, like, I don't know. Oh, you're saying, like, some of Anthony Hopkins, like, trickled off. Yeah, like, why not, right?

That would have been fine, too. Like, oh, yeah, I got half of his memory or whatever. That's what I thought kind of happens right away, because when Emilio is, like, getting up off the ground, he says, like, you know, like, hold on a second or something like that. And it sounded kind of like they dubbed over Anthony Hopkins. And I was like, oh, no, is Emilio Estevez just going to have, like, Anthony Hopkins ADR? for the rest of the movie. Ew.

Like that Superman 4 with Oh, yeah. With that Atomic Man as Gene Hackman or something? When Nuclear Man sounds like Gene Hackman? I saw a league of their own the other day

doing a little research that didn't turn out so well. And at the end, this old lady's got Gina Davis's voice. It's like the worst version of that. And it's just like everyone else like,

hello! And she's like, hi, everybody. I'm Gina Davis. I'm get the fuck out of here. Uh, and so the last line that Emilio Estevez has in this movie, well, first to like, Gina, or Gina Davis, geez, uh, Renee Rousseau is like, oh my God, you are Emilio Estabez. And he brings up the whole like, nibble my ear thing again. And she's like, oh, clever dog. And then he just goes, buckle up. Let's see if this baby will do. And that's the last line of the movie.

You think Renee Rousseau is then like, okay, a lot of has happened since you died. Um, first off, never. say that again and buckle up buckle up Renee Russo where we're going we don't need this is pretty great the DP of this movie Ammer Makri

he's this this Iranian cinematographer who's was asked to be taken off this movie which good for this guy but I just wanted to list off the credentials for this fella because it's pretty intense he's got under his belt

since since shooting this movie or some of them are before Blue Steel with Jamie Lee Curtis Pacific Heights with Michael Keaton whore Ken Russell's whore He shot that

Then free jack then It starts going up from here The Joy Luck Club Coyote Ugly don't say a word The Salton Sea Bad Boys 2 Taking Lives Lord of War with Nicholas Cage

National Treasure Book of Secrets With Nicholas Cage Vantage Point Fast and Furious Transformers Dark of the Moon Season of the Witch with Nicholas Cage and Man of Steel So he's got like a 2.3 average

I guess Out of five stars Now you see Hollywood is the latter You know you gotta start at the bottom And you know you start with your whore You go up to a free jack And eventually you can maybe get to a man of steel And speaking of hilarious credits

Director Jeff Murphy of this film did Under Siege 2 Dark Territory and Young Guns too. That is Emilio, all right. Working again with Amelia. Hey, Emilio. Ah, and that's Freejack. I mean, Jesus, Lord, what a nothing movie disguised as a sci-fi actioneer. Like, you watch this trailer, you're like, okay, yeah, Freejack, I'll sit down and watch this.

Get ready for really boring car chases. Yeah, it's kind of my, I mean, I wouldn't recommend this movie. Yeah, that's where I was going. Yeah, yeah. And it's a shame because it's kind of my sweet spot. Like this is a thing aside for people who have to wear capes is like the kind of movie that I like to watch is like, you know, futuristic dystopia, blah, blah, blah, overly complicated. You know, these kinds of, you know, your virtuosities I'll watch. Yeah, that's a real stinker.

That's a stay tuned. But yeah, there's nothing here. I actually would recommend it lightly just because I'm a real. sucker for stupid stuff because I'm stupid about, like, 2009 happened and Free Jack didn't. So I like watching it just to giggle at it. Like, oh, like, it's, it's adorable that they thought there'd be lasers. I think there's a certain degree of seeing as believing with this title. But, you know, if you get something else better to do, you know, put your shoes on go outside.

I mean, I don't think I would recommend it. any kind of strong capacity. I would say if you want to see Mick Jagger be really terrible at acting, because it hasn't really happened that much. Like, he did a couple of things away before this movie was made, and not really much since, but he's

just, I mean, the Rolling Stones are awesome, but he's not an actor. Like, it's just really awkward to watch him in this movie. Playing a villain. Like, it just, it doesn't work out. Like, sometimes you get, you know, an entertainer and it works out okay. Like, I think Bowie's a pretty competent actor.

Just talking about like some, you know, like, colleagues and whatnot. But, yeah, just, yeah, I don't know. This, yeah, this movie's totally not worth it. It's just so weird why he would even do this movie. Like, you'd probably do okay in a movie where he had to play himself. You know what I mean? Like, yeah. Like a wacky, like, you know, he has to play a heightened reality of himself as a cameo.

I could get behind that. Yeah, some sort of charming Christmas set English romantic comedy. Wherein he has to go back to high school. That was a hit gum podcast.